Original subtitles

Do you think a pigeon knows when it's fat?

What?

Well, like, do you think a pigeon ever looks

at another pigeon and goes, "Whoo, you're overweight"?

I'm trying to read.

Cause there's always one, isn't there?

There's always one in every flock that's fat.

I wonder if they all stay away from the fat pigeon.

Pigeon fat shaming.

Jesus.

It's a thing.

Here's a question, right.

Mm.

If you stand inside a moving train and you jump,

the train moves with you, but if you stand on top

of a moving train and jump, the train moves underneath you.

Can you just shut up for two minutes?

I'm trying to read.

Fuck me.

Yo.

Mm-hm.

Guy's about to blow up your car.

You're like a fucking five-year-old, do you know that?

Need constant attention.

Get a grip.

Humor me.

Unbelievable.

Shit!

That guy blew up my car. Told ya.

What'd you do with the shotguns?

W...

You didn't think to take them out?

What fucking point did I have time to do that?

Ah, it's like a fucking video game.

So what's the plan?

Sixteen shots right here, mate. That's more than enough.

It's all right for you. I've only got six.

Huh. Well, you would insist on going old school.

Yeah, well, it's for sentimental value.

Oh yeah? Let's see how sentimental

you get when they shoot you in the fucking face

'cause you're out of bullets.

Yeah. I'd best get creative, then.

Whatever, Picasso. Here they come.

Size ain't everything, man.

Huh. Would you look at that?

I see that hostage safety course paid off.

I wasn't on that course.

Shit. Rocket launcher dude.

I've got an idea.

I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna blow us all the hell up!

Shall we just take their car?

I ain't driving around with a bomb in the car.

We'll just disarm it.

Do you know how to disarm a bomb?

Can't be that hard.

Red wire, green wire,

et cetera.

Mark Preston, isn't it?

It is. How are we?

Miles Steiger.

We're all good.

Short notice, Mark. Must be important.

Isn't it always?

Indeed. I like to think of it

as a matter of life and death.

But mainly death.

We have here 250 AK-47s.

500 corresponding magazines, 30 round capacity

and 100 boxes of ammo.

250 Uzis, nine mil, 32-round capacity.

Same quantity of ammo as the AKs.

All 3D printed, no serial numbers,

and each one test fired to ensure quality.

Changing the face of warfare?

Ah, I wouldn't go as far as saying that.

Even 3D printed AKs will be obsolete thanks to drones.

But businesses have to develop, innovate.

You said on the phone you want to transfer funds.

Yeah, that's correct.

Wire transfer, eh?

What happened to good old green?

You know, stuff you get to hold and smell.

Stains of a hundred hands,

wondering what dirty wee deals they've been exchanged in.

Call me OCD...

...but I prefer the hygienic way.

Hygienic?

That thing's crawling with bacteria.

Hope you don't text back when you're on the toilet.

625,000.

What's your delivery arrangements?

I have a truck parked a couple miles away

at a service stop.

Ideal?

I'll alert the driver as soon as the transfer is complete.

Apologies, but it's customary in this line of business

to ask, what's the nature of the use?

Nature of their use?

They're guns.

You don't ask a fisherman

what he's going to do with his rod.

Yes, but these are not for catching cod.

These are automatic weapons, sans serial numbers.

I need to make sure that this transaction

and these guns can't be tracked back to me.

It's ironic,

but I need to know they're in safe hands.

The weapons are to be shipped to the Middle East

for use in a military coup.

Bullshit.

Middle East is saturated with substandard AKs,

fit for the purpose.

Is that the best you can come up with...

Agent Stokes?

What?

What?

Do you think this is some pissy wee backstreet operation?

All the red flags were there.

First-time buyer, short notice.

Only, Mark Preston isn't a first-time buyer...

and you aren't Mark Preston.

Hummingbird.

Code word?

Falling on deaf ears, I'm afraid.

Oh dear. Oh dear.

Goodbye, Agent Stokes.

Morning.

Hm, is it, already?

Oh! The light's blinding me.

What are you, a vampire?

I need sleep.

I thought you said you were going

for an early morning run.

Mm, did I?

That's what you told me.

I thought were gonna do something fun today,

as a family.

I already told you. Maddy's got school camp this week.

She's getting picked up this morning.

So it's just us two.

Yeah.

We can do something.

What did you have in mind?

Well...

Something dirty.

Something really dirty.

Something really, really dirty?

Mm-hm.

Mm. Go on, then.

Well...

You promised to clean out the shed.

It's absolutely filthy.

Oh my God, is that the time? I was gonna go for a run.

Oh, man, that looks good, greedy guts.

Nick, you'll make her spill that down her clean pajamas.

So, are you looking forward to camp, Champ?

Yeah. Are you looking forward to cleaning out the shed?

Ah.

Ah, who have you been speaking to?

If I told you, I'd have to kill you.

What?

You're so lame.

I'm lame?

I'm lame.

Is there an echo in here?

Oh, you've done it now.

-Bye. -Give me a hug.

-Love you, Dad. -Aw.

Okay, bye, Mummy.

-Are you excited? -Yes.

-See you later. -Have fun.

You be good now.

See you soon.

-Bye. -Bye.

Thought I might find you here.

Hey, how's it going?

Not bad, how about you?

Eh.

Really? You're gonna smoke a cigar right after a jog?

I'm all about life balance, bro.

-Clearly. -What's happening here?

Ah, just thought I'd try out some of these bad boys.

Mm.

Aw.

Surely you're not retiring the trusty old pistol.

Sadly, yes. Finally fell apart.

The hammer split

It's been around since the war, bro.

Yeah.

I'm just trying to see which one of these

is a good fit for me.

Mm.

You thought about moving the target closer?

You got some good shit, yeah.

- Colt 1911. - Classic.

Beretta 92.

PX4, haven't seen one of these in a while.

Yeah, it's a little bit more feminine, that one.

Hmm. That should suit you to a T.

Watch and learn, boy.

Maybe you should stick to talking people to death.

You just come here to try and piss me off, yeah?

Thought today was your day with Emma and Maddy.

Maddy's got camp.

Oh, yeah, 'cause Maddy's got camp.

Yeah, she's got camp, you fucking asshole.

And Emma mentioned something about spring cleaning,

so I got out of there sharpish.

That makes more sense.

Hello, Nick.

Hi, Kate, it's good to hear from you.

Sorry to call you today.

Nah, that's all right.

We're never that busy on bank holidays.

So, how are you guys then?

Andy didn't come home last night.

Was he drinking?

No. They called him in first thing yesterday morning.

Said he had to go.

And you haven't heard from him since?

No.

You tried calling the agency?

I can't get through to anyone.

Listen, we'll swing by in half an hour.

- Are you sure? -Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

We'll see you soon, okay?

So what's going on?

Stokes is missing.

Okay, I'll pack the stuff up in the car

if you wanna get changed.

Yeah.

He got a call round 8:00 AM.

They said they needed him in for an urgent operation.

Hmm. Does he ever talk

about his work at all to you?

I thought that was against protocol.

Well, it is, but is there anything he might have said

to give an indication something was wrong?

Well, over the past few weeks,

he was feeling a bit uneasy.

He said that the department was investigating

possible corruption, and that he'd likely be questioned.

Yeah, but that's usually an ongoing procedure.

I mean, all the units will have

an anticorruption department.

No, the way he was going on about it, though,

it seems like it could be more close to home.

You don't think he'd actually be involved

in anything, though, do you?

Andy?

No. I can't imagine it.

Why, can you?

No, not Stokes.

Do you have his list of agency contacts?

Yeah, one minute.

This is the list that Andy leaves me,

if there's any emergencies.

They're all close contacts of his.

Names, phone numbers.

I think given the possible corruption situation

we should exercise a little bit of caution with this.

Maybe before we call any of the names on here,

we go check out the safe house.

Yeah, okay.

We'll keep you updated.

And try not to worry.

I'm sure if anything had happened,

someone would have contacted you.

Thanks for doing this.

How do you know the location of his safe house?

He told me.

That's not very safe.

I can keep secrets.

No, you can't.

You're the first one to spoil season finales.

Who the fuck are you?

Take one more step and I'll fucking shoot you.

What are you doing here?

I swear...

Wouldn't do that if I were you.

What the fuck are you doing here?

This is Stokes' place.

Sam Logan.

Agency side.

And where's Stokes?

Sting operation went south. Stokes went missing.

I'm lying low here.

Are you guys agency or...?

Well, freelance.

Yeah, we go way back.

Who was Stokes after?

Like I'm gonna tell you two clowns.

Listen, I think you need to remember

what side of the gun you're on.

Miles Steiger, international arms dealer.

We got word that he was gonna deal

with a gun runner named Mark Preston.

So we seized this guy Preston en route to the meeting.

Stokes took his place.

So you could apprehend Steiger?

Right.

So how did you guys find out about the meeting

between Steiger and this Mark Preston?

We got a guy on the inside.

In Steiger's organization?

Yeah.

How do you get in touch with him?

Well, we don't.

He gets in contact with us.

Security protocol helps protect him, keep him safe.

Standard.

So how do we get to Stokes?

There's more to it.

We found out that Steiger was closing a contract

with a terrorist known as the Chess Master.

We don't know anything about this guy.

Fuck, we only found out

what Steiger looks like two days ago.

Anyway, according to our guy,

it's a major deal.

We been working on it for weeks.

In fact, the first meeting between the Chess Master

and Steiger is due to go down at 4:00 PM today,

according to his intel.

Jesus, doesn't anyone take days off?

And who the fuck calls themselves the Chess Master?

Why not wait and get the both of them?

Why get this Mark Preston instead of the big fish?

The plan was twofold--

Capture Steiger then break into the meeting

with the terrorist group.

Substitute Steiger for one of our agents,

a lookalike so on approach,

no one could tell it was him.

That way we get all three.

We get the guns off the street

that Steiger sold to Preston...

stop the subsequent deal with the Chess Master,

and Steiger would be banged up.

Still sounds a bit rushed to me.

Yeah, well, it was, so...

Yeah, I mean, how come you only just found out

what Steiger looks like?

I thought you had an undercover in there.

What the fuck was he reporting on, the weather?

Look, the guy had only been inside for a few days.

Once we got that information, we decided to strike

while the iron was hot. Simple.

Bottom line, how do we get Stokes?

- Well-- - Aw fuck. Strike team.

Yeah, two approaching from the front.

I'll check the rear.

Said the archbishop to the choirboy.

Jesus.

Nothing out back.

-What are you doing? -There's been a gas leak.

Come on.

Come on.

Let 'em have it.

-Do you smell gas? -Mate,

you know I've got a blocked nose.

Ain't no bank holiday without a barbecue.

Is there a fail-safe to pull this undercover out?

Yeah, you're telling us you sent someone in there

you couldn't communicate with?

There has to be a way of contacting them.

There is.

You're looking at him.

What?

Why the fuck didn't you say something before?

I didn't know if you were with Steiger.

Come on, surely if you were undercover

and the sting operation went south, you'd lay low,

especially being the new guy.

Stokes made the decision to pull me out.

He told me to go to the safe house

before the sting operation on Steiger.

I wasn't even there.

Yeah, but you do know where the deal went down, right?

Yeah, but tactical response already swept it.

It's vacated. There's nothing there.

So what's the location of today's meeting

with this terrorist guy?

Same location.

Yeah, so that means that they've changed the location

of today's meeting, especially after the attempted raid.

Yeah, meaning there's nothing to go on.

Yeah.

I'd still like to take a look at the place

where the deal went down.

I'll take you there.

Well, we found planes.

Well, there's nothing here.

I just had a thought.

What?

Do you know how to contact this guy, the Chess Master?

Yeah, I caught sight of his number

when Steiger made the call.

And what use is that?

So, how about we call him up, right?

We pose as Steiger,

change the location of the day's meeting, all right?

Now, we use the Steiger doppelganger

as originally planned, and we capture the Chess Master.

That doesn't help us get Steiger or Stokes.

Yeah, yeah, no, it does, right, because

assuming today's meeting is still going ahead,

Steiger will have already called

the Chess Master to change the location.

When we capture the Chess Master,

we get him to tell us the original location,

we run up on Steiger

surrounded by illegal arms waiting for his money.

Fuck, this is getting complicated.

But won't he have heard his voice?

No, he uses one of those voice distorters

attached to an old telephone.

That's how he's able to track the contact.

Number redial.

But won't he be suspicious that we've changed

the location for a second time?

It's all we've got.

What's the name of this guy that's posing as Steiger?

Darren Bundy.

Let's get him involved.

Because we have three hours to pull this shit off.

The two wild cards.

Steiger was wondering what your interest in all this was.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you tell him to come find out?

Drop your weapons.

That includes you.

Everyone, back the fuck away from your guns.

Always lets the lads get in some real-life practice.

Oh, oh yeah? You're gonna regret that.

How about I make that smile permanent?

Lord have mercy, you're good.

But what do we do about this little situation right here?

Just go after Sam. He can't get us both.

I'll make do with just one.

Nick.

We've got him. Ready to go.

Little something to remember me by.

It's a fake!

Fuck!

I'm fed up with this shit.

Yeah, Darren Bundy's name's on this list.

Hi. Darren Bundy speaking.

Yeah, hi, Darren. My name's Nick.

I'm close friends with Andy Stokes.

- Okay. -Yeah, listen,

his wife gave me your telephone number.

Are you able to meet with us at all?

Is that Nick Spencer?

-Yeah, it is. - Andy's told me

all about you guys.

Is everything okay?

Not really. Stokes has gone missing.

It would be best if we can meet in person, if possible.

Can you meet me in half an hour?

Do you know where the old archives building is?

Darren?

Yeah, pleased to meet you both.

Andy mentioned you guys a few times.

I trained him up when he first joined the service.

You know he hasn't been seen since yesterday, right?

Not seen by who?

What do you mean?

Well, how do you know he's missing?

My instructions were to wait

for a meeting place to be confirmed.

That's all I was briefed on.

For the meeting at 4:00 PM?

Yeah, that's in two hours' time.

Well, where did I--

Sometimes you don't receive critical details

until at least an hour before.

Such is the nature of fieldwork.

Hmm. Well, Stokes is nowhere to be seen.

An undercover agent named Sam Logan

has been taken by Steiger's men,

the arms dealer you're set to pose as this afternoon.

Yeah, that's right.

Steiger was supposed to be

in a secure facility by this point.

Nobody's notified me otherwise.

A secure facility?

Can you access government detainees?

Yeah, of course.

Depending on if I've got the level of clearance

needed to speak to the prisoner in question, why?

Would you be able to check and see

if there's a Mark Preston in custody?

Who's Mark Preston?

He was the buyer that Stokes posed as yesterday

and that was the last time that he was seen.

Yeah, he's our only shot at getting Steiger.

I see.

Okay, let me see if he's been held.

Release.

Move it.

You know where you're going.

Take a seat.

So,

Mark Preston?

Yeah, that's me.

Who brought you here, Mark?

How should I know? Some hooded goons.

Have you been questioned by anyone since?

No, ain't heard a peep out of anyone.

Not least why I'm here.

Why you're here?

You're a fucking arms dealer.

What's your business with Miles Steiger?

That's no hard question.

Is there a reduced sentence attached to this conversation?

That depends on how helpful you are, Mark.

Now get back in your chair.

Hm.

I'm a gun smuggler.

I was acting as a liaison between Steiger

and a despot in the Far East.

Steiger was 3D printing a load of weapons for him.

What was in it for you?

I was just acting as an intermediary

for a percentage of the profit.

You know, like a broker.

Normally, I would smuggle the guns myself,

but Steiger has a channel

for getting the weapons outta the country.

What, the airfield?

Yeah, he owns that private airfield.

Planes carrying contraband take off and land all the time,

and he oversees everything.

Is that the only place you know

that Steiger operates out of?

Hmm, there and one other.

Some old disused plant used to make pipes,

components for buildings.

Like a steel plant?

Yeah.

That's where they keep the printing equipment.

Down by a railway line.

Yeah, I know the one.

Hm.

What's with this photo? Is it supposed to be you?

No.

That's Miles Steiger.

That's not Steiger.

How do you know?

Because I've seen him lots of times.

He's a younger bloke with a slick-backed brown hair.

Oh, my God.

What, Sam Logan?

-Are you sure? -Yes.

He's a close contact.

Not many people meet him face to face.

Do you have a picture anywhere of Steiger?

I just told you. He's a private person.

You think I've got a bunch of fucking selfies

taken down the pub with him, eh?

Give me your phone. Let me bring up his Facebook.

Don't get smart.

Watch yourself.

What is this then? Good cop, bad cop?

I told you everything I know.

I ain't a cop.

We ain't got time for this, Nick. Let's go.

Yeah, we ain't got time for this.

Piece of shit.

So what's the plan now?

Storm the steel plant. I can assemble a team.

Listen, Darren.

Stokes got word of a mole in the agency.

How do you know who you can trust?

In that case,

we want it to be just us.

Let's not take any chances.

I can imagine this has got something to do

with Stokes' disappearance.

Three missed calls from Emma.

Do you think you can get your family

to Stokes' safe house?

Eh, there might be a slight problem with that.

Yes, um ...

Yeah, we blew it up.

What?

Yeah, it was a gas leak.

Gas leak, very nasty.

Stokes was right about you two.

Go check on Emma. Get yourselves cleaned up.

I'll get some gear together and text you

another address where to meet me at.

We have just over an hour to that meeting.

Jesus. A fucking gas leak.

Steiger.

Your name's like a bad word in my camp right now.

Why's that?

Well, first you postpone the meeting by three days,

and next you wanna change the location.

I don't appreciate being dicked around.

This is a sensitive deal. Timing is crucial.

I appreciate that.

And let me assure you, security is a priority

and we both need this deal to get through

as safely as possible.

Meaning what? You've had issues with the law already?

Not the law exactly.

Rebel army representatives.

When they're ready, I'll incentivize the deal,

and you won't get your hands dirty.

Getting my hands dirty is my business,

and I've never been afraid of a little bit of cleaning up.

What's the problem with a ragtag band of rebels anyway?

We need to increase our carrying charge.

I've had to pay off a couple of customs officials.

Corruption in a fucking banana republic.

Who would've guessed?

What the hell's going on? I called you three times.

Jesus, you two look like you've seen a ghost.

Well, the front door was open.

I'm actually just in the door.

I was carrying the shopping.

What's happened to your face?

-It's just a scratch. -Emma, we're in the middle--

Guys, what the fuck is going on,

and what is he doing here?

Stokes is missing.

Andy?

Yeah, Kate phoned us earlier.

Listen, we don't have time to explain.

We're about to go on a raid

but the clock's ticking and we need to move.

I'll phone you when we're through, okay?

Sharing's caring.

And lock the door.

I'm gonna make a quick phone call to Kate

and let her know what's going on.

She must be worried.

Yeah, maybe we've been a bit insensitive there.

Oh well, it's been a tough day, man.

I am starting to dread bank holidays.

Yeah.

Remember this time last year when you said you wanted

to quit all of this and have a normal life?

Yeah.

What made you change your mind?

I don't know, man. It's difficult to describe.

It's like an addiction.

Like if you stopped there'd be

something missing in your life?

Yeah, cause nothing's gonna replace doing this.

No, it's not addiction. It's passion.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Don't worry, I'm cringing too, man.

And I'd miss all these fucking inane chats

in the car with you.

Well, you could still meet up

and have a chat in the car, bro.

Yeah, cause that's not weird.

And gunpowder. I'd miss the smell of gunpowder.

Spoken like a true psychopath.

What about the fistfights?

Oh yeah, love a good fistfight.

- And explosions. - Yeah.

And, those inconveniently timed ambushes.

You know when you enter a building all stealthy and shit

and then some fucker knocks you out,

gun butt to the back of the neck.

Yeah. It's a classic, but I hate it when it happens.

-Ah, such a cheap shot. -Yeah.

Where do you think Darren's got to?

Don't know. Said he was gonna meet us here.

We've got less than an hour, so I might go inside

and check and see if he needs a hand.

Yeah.

Want me to come with?

We don't have to be together 24-7.

Yeah, I get jealous.

Hi, Kate. Yeah.

Just wanna give you an update as to what's going on.

Darren?

Nick?

Shit.

Nick, wake up.

-Shit. -You all right?

-Wake up. -Fucking hell.

Did you break anything?

Just the world record for the fastest

arse-kicking in history.

Yeah, well. Come on, get up.

Shit. We need to get to that meeting.

Where's Darren?

Nowhere to be seen. Just have to go without him.

So, Sam Logan is Miles Steiger.

Yeah, so Stokes, he must have been suspicious of Sam.

Sam volunteers to go undercover to try and prove himself.

Yeah and instead

he lures Stokes in with this sting operation

and uses it to get rid of anyone that knew

about the agency mole.

Who's this bald guy that Darren was posing as?

He's Steiger's face. He's his salesman.

He's the guy that allows Steiger

to continue being Sam Logan the agent

and Miles Steiger the weapons dealer.

Yeah.

And Sam Logan remains an active agent so that if anyone

gets close to Steiger, he can take them out.

Gotta give it to them. That is kinda brilliant.

Yeah. Well, they're about to be dead.

Come on.

What's in the backpack?

Fail-safe.

What are you doing?

It's just--

Why are you making those noises?

It's just, you know ...

Hyping us up.

Well, I don't need hyped up.

I like to enter quietly through the back door.

It's called stealth.

See, I like to smash through the front door

making as much noise as possible.

Yeah, well, some of us don't need to make any noise

to let them know we're inside.

Just drive the car.

We should get rid of the dead agent's body.

Is it still at the airfield?

I put him in the back of the car.

They'll come looking for him.

Right, slugs out his chest, put him in the driver's seat,

run it off a dock.

And when they find him?

He'll have rotted away to nothing.

I'll finish up here.

Must've hurt your head in the fall when you got shot.

You bleed good, Agent Stokes.

Yo.

Come and have a look at this.

Jesus Christ.

He's risen from the fucking dead.

Good job making sure he was dead.

Didn't you realize when you lifted his body?

Must've been out cold.

Dear, oh dear.

Hi there.

I'd like to say you're in heaven,

but I'm afraid you're in hell.

Concussion?

Hope it's not amnesia.

I was rather hoping you would tell me who your friends are.

Who?

The two cowboys that are intent

on making this a bank holiday to remember.

As long as you've got breath

in your fucking body,

you'll never be safe from them.

Wait a sec.

I've got someone who's gonna want to say hi.

Arms up.

Go.

Arms up.

I think I'm okay.

Go through.

You are the Chess Master?

You?

Surprised?

I'm never surprised by what a woman is capable of.

Wife or mistress?

Mother.

Are we gonna sit and chitchat or

are you gonna deal me in?

Buy-in's 200K.

Ante's 500.

I assume you didn't want to see me for a game of card.

No, I prefer chess.

The deal is still set for next week?

Yes, it is.

What is it?

Well, there's been a change.

What change?

The price.

I bet 2K.

Well?

Are you gonna play your hand?

Fold.

I call.

I fold.

Deal the flop then.

Let's talk business,

or are you just gunning for my small change here?

Out with it.

Look, the price has gone up 30%, okay?

I didn't even see your lips move.

There has been a rival bidder.

A rival bidder?

Who?

We are the People's Army.

But they offered 30% more.

And besides, we've had tighter border control,

additional expenses.

Long as you can match that, the guns are yours.

You are crazy.

I bet 50K.

I'll tell you what.

You win this hand, I'll give you the guns for nothing.

And if you win?

Then you up the price by 50%.

Deal.

Is that it? You should stick to chess!

Yes!

Still got two cards left.

Well?

Deal the fucking turn and river.

Next fucking card!

Now you know the terms.

We'll be in touch next week.

Wait!

I think he wants to renegotiate.

Yeah, well, I'll be outside.

Not scared of a little scuffle, are we?

Don't fucking speak to me like that.

I keep a low profile.

You do you.

Think you can play with me?

You know my name, right?

Shit.

Jesus Christ.

What would you have done if he'd won?

I was gonna kill him after the coup anyway.

Whoa, down boy.

You want a job?

Aye, all right.

How much you paying?

I'll go high. You go low.

No, I'll go left. You go right.

Yeah.

Nick!

Oh. Oh!

The old gun butt to the back of the neck.

I wondered when that was gonna show up today.

Thank fuck for that.

You were snoring.

Fuck you.

Didn't quite go to plan, huh?

Nope.

What do you think they've got in store for us?

Who knows?

I haven't seen anyone yet.

Maybe they're just gonna leave us here to die.

Somehow, I don't think we'll be that fortunate.

Got a plan?

Not yet.

God, what a day.

To think, I was looking forward to some peace

in the country, drinking beer

and shooting the empty cans.

What, is your aim better when you're pissed?

Day's not over yet, bro.

Yeah, I'm in the mood for some more target practice.

-You know it's funny, right? -Hm?

Tied to this chair, my head hurts like a bitch.

Probably gonna die at the hands of a bunch

of bloodthirsty arms dealers, and yet

there is no place that I would rather be

than with you, babe.

You know that's horseshit, man.

You'd rather be with your family.

I'd rather be with your family.

See, now we just need to figure a way out of here.

Fuck me.

Jesus. All my worries are over.

Sit.

Hey, man, how you holding up?

Well, the accommodation ain't great,

the staff ain't very friendly,

and don't get me started on the food.

I guess this wasn't part of the rescue mission?

Oh, no, everything's, like, totally gone to plan, bro.

Yeah, we're just about to act all heroic and shit.

Are you finished?

Where's that rat fuck Sam at?

He's on his way.

Don't you boys look a bit banged up.

Did they relent?

If by relent you mean they died, yeah.

We'll go with the other buyers.

Gentlemen...

this is the Chess Master.

Something I been wanting to ask you all day.

Why the fuck do they call you the Chess Master?

Cause everybody's a pawn in my name.

- What-- - The--

Fuck.

You're gonna love this, lads.

This is genius.

Tell them your angle.

Come on, we're gonna massacre them anyway.

We target third world countries

with volatile political climates.

Then, we flood the market with weapons

to incite nationwide conflict and unrest,

by arming underfunded terrorist groups and rebel armies.

Why?

To crash the stock market

and devalue the currency.

Then we buy the stocks and shares

in collaboration with a business consortium

of bankers, wealthy investors and crime syndicates.

At which point, we facilitate the neutralization

of territories stricken by unrest,

using mercenary groups of rogue former black ops,

and profit off the subsequent recovery of the economy.

It's fucking genius, isn't it?

That's her elevator pitch. I love it.

I'm bored.

Yeah, you and me both, mate.

Let's get this shit over with.

Do you know the good thing

about hitting people in the face with this?

I don't feel any pain.

I could punch you all night.

And only stop because I get tired or bored.

Lost it in '82, Falklands.

Gunshot wound gone septic.

Originally, gave me a clumsy looking prosthetic.

Then I 3D-printed this motherfucker.

Oh...

What?

What's so funny?

What could possibly be so funny?

Oh ho, see, he's an arms dealer, right?

And he's only got one arm.

Mocking the afflicted.

Hey, try me, motherfucker.

Don't worry, we will.

Time's up. Snuff them, and let's get back to business.

You know, I got a last request.

Sure.

Have I got time for a cheeky cigar?

I don't see why not.

It's not as if you're gonna have time

to die of lung cancer.

I've been telling him that for years.

And he's still here.

Do you wanna do the honors?

Don't tempt me with a good time.

Well, I'm kinda tied up right now.

You're so lame.

You're the second person to tell me that today.

You know, I really gotta give up, man.

These things'll fucking kill you.

All right, enough

You didn't develop Stockholm syndrome, did you?

Does that answer your question?

Shit, there's more guys coming.

Team Two, initiate response.

I'm shorter than you guys.

Come on guys, go, go, go!

Sam!

Get in the car.

Stokesey!

Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo.

Team Three, initiate.

Find a weapon!

Fucking get them!

Grenade!

Check on Stokes!

She's mine.

He's going after the agent.

Get upstairs and head them off.

Operator. Please proceed.

This is Special Agent Sam Logan

requesting emergency extraction.

Can you please confirm your coordinates,

or enable GPS tracking?

Better tell them to bring an extra body bag.

Come on, Stokesy boy.

Stokes. Stokes?

We're on the same side, asshole.

We're on the same side.

I'm sending you to the other side.

-Nick. -Hey, Stokes.

Drop it. Drop it.

Let's finish this.

Hit a dead end, have we?

You love this shit, don't you?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Me, too.

Oh, you are all leg, aren't you?

Still having fun?

Oh, heaps.

Oh, that's disappointing, isn't it?

You guys are all the same, aren't you?

All bark and no bite.

But it's over now.

You really need to mix things up a bit.

Your kicks are becoming predictable.

Fight.

Maybe you should have stuck to using your legs.

Ah.

It's like cracking a cold one.

Welcome.

I don't need this to kill you.

You're gonna regret that.

Yes, too easy. Too easy.

You all done, yeah, huh?

What?

Don't I get a cool death?

Little something to remember me by.

Thanks.

Ho ho, ho ho!

Welcome to the Look Like Shit, Feel Like Shit Show.

And today's special guest, Mr. Agent Andy Stokes,

recent kidnap victim, horticulturist

and master of guerrilla warfare.

Agent Stokes, now that you are what we would like to call

a true survivor, tell us,

who beat the fuck out of you today?

Do you guys ever stop?

Oh! Wrong answer.

Uh-uh.

Too many hits in the head.

Oof!

Listen, I know it's late,

and you guys have had a fucker of a day

but my boss has invited you to dinner

as a token of his gratitude.

I could eat. What about you?

Yeah, sounds good.

I'll give my boss a call.

Feel free to go home and get cleaned up.

Well, I thought I might just wear this.

Yeah, smart.

Casual.

Yeah, you are a fucking casualty.

Hello. It's Stokes.

Andy's boss seemed pretty impressed.

Maybe there'll be a job in it for you guys.

Well, too much risk involved.

Yeah right.

We like to live and play by our own rules.

Isn't that right, Nick?

Whatever. We're gonna be late.

Since when did you become the timekeeper?

Guys, listen, I just got called.

Forensics need me to swing by and identify the bodies.

You two go on. I'll catch you up.

- Can't it wait? - Apparently not.

Oh, well, we'll send your apologies.

Bye, then.

You know it's really good to talk to someone

who goes through the same shit

every time this lot leave.

Yeah.

At least Andy's got some kind of structure, though,

and government protection in his role.

Whereas these two idiots...

out gunning for everyone.

How was it you guys met again?

I worked at the American embassy in London.

It was just after Andy had been discharged from the army.

He was stationed there as security for a few months.

Ex-workies. How romantic.

What about you and Nick?

Mm.

Now there's a proper fairy tale.

We fell over each other drunk

one Sunday about 2:00 AM in a club,

and we've never looked back.

Head over heels.

Literally.

Do you want another drink?

Yeah, sure.

Ooh, ooh.

Do you know where they're going for dinner?

Tony's country retreat.

He's got a cabin somewhere up in hills.

He's staying there for bank holiday weekends apparently.

That's the first I've heard of it.

W-What do you mean?

Well, Andy was saying that they're going

to some Greek restaurant in town.

Nick got a text when Andy was getting changed.

Saying what?

Saying that the plans had changed.

Andy's boss has just come

from an secondment in Canada.

Has he?

Yeah. He sold out before he left.

He's been over there for five years.

Unless he's renting it for the weekend.

Hm.

Where did you say the cabin was?

Hi, Dex.

Andrew.

Couldn't this have waited?

I've got to go home as well, you know.

Something good on TV?

No, I've got the grandkids tonight.

Now just sign down the bottom, as per usual.

The first one here is...

Miles Steiger.

Now, are you ready for this?

Dex, you ask me this every time.

It's just my wee catchphrase.

I've seen a million dead bodies.

Well, we all need a hobby.

But are you ready for this?

This is one clean cut to the neck.

He bled out.

You guys need to cleanse your soul,

watch a romcom or something,

because this...

is sick.

Fuck.

I did warn you.

Who brought the body in here?

It came with all the rest from the steel plant. Why?

Stokes, what's wrong?

Shit.

And what are you looking at?

It's a shitty night to be driving up here.

You said you wanted to spend some time in the country.

But not like this.

Yeah, don't be telling them that joke

about the archbishop and the choirboy,

for the love of God.

-Nick. -You know, man,

I think we've taken a wrong turn somewhere.

We were meant to be there like five minutes ago.

Nice night to die.

You first.

Hey!

Looks like a farewell to arms.

You all right?

-Need a hand? -Derek!

Don't turn your back on me, boy.

You mother--

Oh!

Try getting back up from this.

Derek, Derek.

Fuck.

You all right?

I think this is in line to be

the second worst day of my life.

Oh, yeah? What's the worst?

The day I met you.

Derek, Derek, there's no signal out there.

Oh, just leave it, man.

What?

There's nothing you can do.

Don't say that. Come on.

There's always a way.

I love your optimism.

Can't keep me alive.

Yo, yo, remember this time last year?

I was lying, dying in your arms.

Now you're lying, dying in mine. Fuck.

Lucky nobody's ever around, aye?

They might start to think that we're romantically involved.

I'm game if you are.

-Oh, yeah. -What's that,

your last request, huh?

Oh, actually, I could really do with a cigar.

Stokes! Stokes!

Fuck. You all right?

Don't worry, Derek. Help's on its way.

Foiled again.

What's it take to get a bit of privacy?

Yeah, I mean, we were just about to start making out.

Maybe we could have a three-way.

Oh, Agent Stokes gave me a kiss.

That banter between you guys is far too homoerotic.

Yeah, fuck that.

Next time we'll have, like,

a shootout in a strip club or something.

Won't be the first time someone's blown a load in there.

T-minus five minutes.

Yeah.

Stand by.

All right, roger.

Time for a cigar?

There's always time for a cigar.

There you go.

Ah, it's a nice day.

Yeah, it's kinda peaceful here, right?

Yeah.

Need a light, hm?

Derek.

Oh, shit.

Shit.