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1
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:02,370
EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS #040
"Everybody Hates Baseball"
Closed captioned
2
00:00:02,403 --> 00:00:04,305
* I see the crystal
raindrops fall *
3
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,640
* And the beauty of it all...
4
00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,642
CHRIS ROCK:
When I was a kid,
I never had a chance
5
00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,344
to hang out with my dad much,
6
00:00:10,378 --> 00:00:13,614
because all it seemed like
he did was work and sleep.
7
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:15,283
I tried working with him.
8
00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:16,650
Come on, Chris, we got
to pick up the pace.
9
00:00:16,684 --> 00:00:18,452
We only got five minutes
at this spot. Here we go.
10
00:00:18,486 --> 00:00:19,587
(grunting)
11
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:21,189
I tried sleeping with him.
12
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:23,324
* Just the two of us
13
00:00:23,357 --> 00:00:25,659
(bones crack, Chris whimpers)
* We can make it if we try
14
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:26,827
* Just the two of us...
15
00:00:26,860 --> 00:00:28,296
But the one thing we loved
16
00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:30,098
doing together
was watching baseball.
17
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,200
(sportscast playing)
* Just the two of us
18
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:35,169
(cheering, laughing)
19
00:00:35,203 --> 00:00:37,338
* ...in the sky,
just the two of us *
(knocking at door)
20
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,173
Oh, I'll get it.
* You and I
21
00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,209
Nothing could spoil
family time like
22
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:42,843
a visit from my Uncle Michael.
23
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,478
Big man!
24
00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:45,679
What's going on, Michael?
25
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,748
Besides Mama being mad
at me for eating all
26
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,750
the Captain Crunch, nothing.
27
00:00:49,783 --> 00:00:52,553
(baseball game continues on TV)
28
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,389
Who's up?
29
00:00:55,423 --> 00:00:57,425
Mets by one.
Mmm.
30
00:00:58,592 --> 00:00:59,793
Hey, big man,
31
00:00:59,827 --> 00:01:02,496
you want to see the Dodgers
and the Mets play on Saturday?
32
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:03,197
You got Mets tickets?
33
00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:04,865
Where'd you get 'em?
My man.
34
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,500
He used to work
in the box office.
35
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:07,735
He got 'em from his girl.
36
00:01:07,768 --> 00:01:10,171
Michael, I can't
afford those tickets.
37
00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:11,439
I'm not selling them.
38
00:01:11,472 --> 00:01:13,541
We're family.
You can have them.
39
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,676
What's the catch?
No catch.
40
00:01:15,709 --> 00:01:19,380
My father would accept
free tickets to a funeral.
41
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,183
Box seats, huh?
42
00:01:22,216 --> 00:01:24,518
Big man, can I borrow $40?
43
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:26,887
Michael, if you needed $40
44
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,390
why didn't you just sell me
the tickets for $40?
45
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:30,591
That's against the law.
46
00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:32,526
My uncle was a lazy bum,
47
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:34,495
but he was honest.
What you need $40 for?
48
00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:35,863
I need it for a date.
49
00:01:35,896 --> 00:01:38,599
I want to pay so I can make
a good first impression.
50
00:01:38,632 --> 00:01:40,501
Especially if your second
impression is
51
00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,203
"can I borrow $20?"
52
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:43,437
So who you going out with?
53
00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:44,738
Mm-mmm, I ain't saying.
54
00:01:44,772 --> 00:01:46,274
I've been in a slump lately
55
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:47,508
and I don't want to jinx
56
00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:49,177
this one.
Why don't you
get a job?
57
00:01:49,210 --> 00:01:50,811
And move out
of your mother's house.
58
00:01:50,844 --> 00:01:52,680
So can we go, Dad?
59
00:01:52,713 --> 00:01:54,415
Yeah, Gooden's pitching.
60
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,350
All right.
61
00:01:56,384 --> 00:01:58,552
Cool, y'all 'bout
to see a good game.
62
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,688
Y'all 'bout to see
Gooden and Strawberry.
63
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:03,724
A few years later, you'd have
to go to prison to do that.
64
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:07,395
Captioning sponsored by
CBS PARAMOUNT NETWORK
TELEVISION
65
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:39,327
CHRIS ROCK:
While I was planning
on the game,
66
00:02:39,360 --> 00:02:41,329
Vanessa was about
to get played.
67
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,796
Girl, guess who
asked me out?
68
00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,632
Who?
Michael.
69
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,534
Mailman Michael?
No.
70
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,569
Garbage man Michael?
No.
71
00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:50,471
Her man Michael?
72
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:52,373
She went out
with him last week.
73
00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,641
Your brother Michael.
74
00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,476
What? Vanessa,
75
00:02:55,509 --> 00:02:57,645
stop playing.
Girl, I'm serious.
76
00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,647
He wants to take me
to dinner and everything.
77
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:02,816
Everything means nothing
but dinner.
78
00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:04,252
Well, what would make him think
79
00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:05,519
that you would want
go out with him?
80
00:03:05,553 --> 00:03:07,255
Because I said "yes."
81
00:03:07,288 --> 00:03:09,290
And you know I never
turn down a free meal.
82
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:10,824
And I think he's kinda sweet.
83
00:03:10,858 --> 00:03:12,626
Just like diabetes.
84
00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:13,727
And besides, you never know
85
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,829
where you might find love.
In the arms of a bum.
86
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,698
Mm!
87
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,433
What do you mean, "Mm!"?
88
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:20,901
I just don't think
it's a good idea.
89
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,570
That's all.
Mm-mm.
90
00:03:22,603 --> 00:03:24,872
It's just dinner. You act like
the man is moving in.
91
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,307
Keep an eye on your keys.
92
00:03:26,340 --> 00:03:27,575
I'm just saying,
93
00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,277
every time you go on a bad date,
94
00:03:29,310 --> 00:03:30,878
I end up with a bad perm.
95
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,647
Don't worry, your hair's going
to be just fine.
96
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,518
After six months on the block,
97
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:39,387
Tasha had me confused.
98
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:41,555
She was a cute girl
who didn't hate me.
99
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,359
So I'll see you guys
at the theater.
Bye, Tasha.
100
00:03:45,393 --> 00:03:46,894
Bye.
Hey, Tasha.
101
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:47,928
Hi, Chris.
102
00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,497
So, what's going on?
103
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:50,731
We're going to the movies
Saturday.
104
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:51,932
You want to come?
105
00:03:51,965 --> 00:03:54,268
What are you gonna go see?
What are you,
106
00:03:54,302 --> 00:03:56,404
Siskel and Stupid?
Just say you want to go.
107
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,038
Back to the Future.
108
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,508
Well, let me just
get one thing clear.
109
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,577
You want me to go with you
to the movies on Saturday?
110
00:04:03,611 --> 00:04:05,313
Yeah. It'll be cool.
111
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,880
Yeah, it'll be real cool.
112
00:04:06,914 --> 00:04:09,583
Like, cool is the
word, too, so...
113
00:04:09,617 --> 00:04:11,652
Man, shut up before I build
a time machine
114
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,821
and come back to smack you
upside the head.
115
00:04:13,854 --> 00:04:15,689
So, I'll see you Saturday?
116
00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:17,391
Yep, you'll see me Saturday.
117
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:18,626
Okay.
If I don't have
118
00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,694
a heart attack by Friday.
119
00:04:20,728 --> 00:04:24,064
Tonya loved Billy Ocean,
so naturally, she
120
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:25,566
joined the Billy Ocean fan club
121
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,568
and sent off
for an autographed picture.
122
00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:28,802
But it wasn't the first
123
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,438
fan club she joined.
124
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:31,905
There was the DeBarge fan club.
125
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,710
The Shalamar fan club.
126
00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:41,682
Even the Terence Trent D'Arby
fan club.
127
00:04:41,715 --> 00:04:44,918
Too bad they were bought out
by the Al B. Sure fan club
128
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,454
TONYA:
Is that it?
129
00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:47,921
No.
130
00:04:47,955 --> 00:04:49,757
Is that it?
No.
131
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:52,626
Is that it?
No. I got the light bill,
132
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,495
the gas bill,
and the telephone bill.
133
00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:55,829
There's nothing here
from Billy Ocean.
134
00:04:55,863 --> 00:04:58,699
Not unless his picture's
on one of these bills.
But you mailed it
135
00:04:58,732 --> 00:05:00,033
almost a month ago.
136
00:05:00,067 --> 00:05:02,770
A month ago?
Baby, it's been barely
137
00:05:02,803 --> 00:05:03,737
four weeks.
138
00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:05,973
Relax, you'll get your picture.
139
00:05:08,676 --> 00:05:11,845
Hey, Mom, can I have
a piece of gum?
Sure.
140
00:05:16,717 --> 00:05:19,086
Uh-oh.
No gum?
141
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:21,655
Yeah, I got it-- here.
142
00:05:24,658 --> 00:05:26,860
That look means "Damn!"
143
00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,462
Damn!
See?
144
00:05:28,496 --> 00:05:30,531
My mother had lost more stuff
145
00:05:30,564 --> 00:05:32,666
in her purse than
the Bermuda Triangle.
146
00:05:32,700 --> 00:05:34,968
She lost little things.
147
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,671
There's my lipstick.
148
00:05:37,705 --> 00:05:40,674
She lost big things.
149
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:42,710
There's that skillet.
150
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,145
She lost great big things.
151
00:05:45,178 --> 00:05:47,381
There's that gallon of milk.
152
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:52,019
And things she didn't know
how she lost.
153
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,155
There's my purse.
154
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,890
They might have found
Biggie's killer
155
00:05:56,924 --> 00:05:58,826
if they looked inside
my mother's purse.
156
00:06:02,563 --> 00:06:03,764
What's that?
157
00:06:03,797 --> 00:06:05,165
Tonya's waiting on a picture
158
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,767
from the Billy
Ocean Fan Club,
159
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,502
but I forgot to
mail the letter.
160
00:06:08,536 --> 00:06:10,170
Now I don't know
what to tell her.
161
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,973
How about "I forgot to mail
your letter to Billy Ocean"?
162
00:06:13,006 --> 00:06:14,475
Are you crazy?
163
00:06:14,508 --> 00:06:16,444
I can't just
tell her I forgot.
164
00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:18,178
What are you going to do?
165
00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:20,581
I'm going to get her
a picture of Billy Ocean.
166
00:06:23,050 --> 00:06:25,819
Monk was always on guard.
167
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,187
Is that your brother?
168
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,790
Yeah.
169
00:06:29,823 --> 00:06:31,692
Just checking.
170
00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,561
I'll be back in 20 minutes.
171
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:35,463
Okay.
172
00:06:35,496 --> 00:06:37,064
Hey, man, was that Tasha?
173
00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,732
Yeah, she just invited me
174
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:39,967
to go see
Back to the Future.
175
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,835
Oh, for real? That's cool.
176
00:06:41,869 --> 00:06:43,671
Yeah, I didn't know
she liked me that much.
177
00:06:43,704 --> 00:06:45,806
No, I was talking about
Back to the Future.
178
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,541
Oh.
So it's just you and her?
179
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:48,876
No, some other people are going.
180
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,010
Oh, cool.
181
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,812
So you gonna sit next to her?
182
00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:54,548
I hope so.
(chuckles)
183
00:06:54,582 --> 00:06:56,650
So when you going?
Uh, Saturday.
184
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,185
What Saturday?
185
00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,553
This Saturday.
186
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:00,788
How are you going to see
187
00:07:00,821 --> 00:07:01,889
Back To The Future with Tasha
188
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:03,924
and we're supposed to be
going to the game with Dad?
189
00:07:04,925 --> 00:07:06,760
Shoot, I forgot about that.
190
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:07,761
I thought about one girl
191
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,564
so much when I was 16,
I forgot I was 30.
192
00:07:10,598 --> 00:07:13,767
Well, maybe Dad won't mind
if I don't go to the game.
193
00:07:13,801 --> 00:07:15,969
I think he's probably
gonna be crushed.
194
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:18,138
I mean, plus he got
those tickets for free.
195
00:07:18,171 --> 00:07:20,741
It's a Saturday
and he got a day off work.
196
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:22,743
I mean, who knows when
that's gonna happen again.
197
00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:25,078
This was gonna be one
of the best days of his life.
198
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:26,914
Now it's ruined.
199
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,249
I'm glad some girl didn't
ask me to go to the movies.
200
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,085
I'm glad I'm not you.
201
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,954
Oh, well. See you later.
202
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,959
Where's a flux capacitor
when you need one?
203
00:07:43,030 --> 00:07:44,532
Tuna on the top,
204
00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,266
sardines, then the cat food.
205
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:49,503
CHRIS ROCK:
For working people,
broke people and old people.
206
00:07:49,537 --> 00:07:51,805
So your daddy's got box seats
to the Mets game, huh?
207
00:07:51,839 --> 00:07:52,940
And you're not going?
208
00:07:52,973 --> 00:07:54,675
I haven't decided yet.
209
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,109
Well, what's to decide?
210
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,578
Is she cute?
211
00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:58,879
It's Tasha.
212
00:07:58,912 --> 00:08:01,081
Tasha!
213
00:08:01,114 --> 00:08:03,917
That was the code name to my
first field exercise in Qatar.
214
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:05,953
Man, forget that game.
215
00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:08,221
They play 180 games
a year, every year.
216
00:08:08,255 --> 00:08:09,957
That girl asked you out once.
217
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,125
Now don't expect her
to do it twice.
218
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:13,961
Anyway... I couldn't imagine
219
00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:15,295
going to a baseball game
with my father.
220
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:16,864
Why not?
Because they didn't
221
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,799
have baseball games
in the Quang Ngai Province.
222
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,834
Was your dad in Vietnam?
Nope.
223
00:08:20,868 --> 00:08:21,802
Queens.
224
00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,571
I don't know, he disappeared
when I was two.
225
00:08:23,604 --> 00:08:24,705
I haven't seen him since.
226
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:27,908
20 years later, Monk found
his father on MySpace.
227
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:30,844
Profile name:
Military Mike-tastic.
228
00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:33,080
Look, you ain't gotta take
my word for it.
229
00:08:33,113 --> 00:08:35,082
I'm not.
But ask anybody,
they'll tell you.
230
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,217
You can always hang out
with your daddy.
231
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:38,719
Go to the movie.
232
00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,220
Go to the game, man.
233
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:41,855
You know if my father
wasn't in jail,
234
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,190
that's what I'd do.
235
00:08:43,223 --> 00:08:45,759
Yeah, go to the game,
but whatever you do,
236
00:08:45,793 --> 00:08:47,260
don't sit behind home plate.
237
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:50,097
My father was killed
by a line drive
238
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:53,166
to the the medulla
oblongata.
239
00:08:53,200 --> 00:08:54,234
Tragic.
240
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,836
Go to the game.
241
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:58,305
My father never took me
'cause I was a test tube baby.
242
00:08:58,338 --> 00:09:00,007
Want some peanuts?
243
00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,909
Why don't you and the girl
go see a movie
244
00:09:01,942 --> 00:09:04,211
about the game that
your father's going to.
245
00:09:04,244 --> 00:09:06,279
Hurrah...
246
00:09:06,313 --> 00:09:08,949
sowah...
247
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:09,950
I don't know, man.
248
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:11,585
That's a tough one.
249
00:09:11,619 --> 00:09:13,921
Game-girl,
girl-game. Well...
250
00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:15,322
if you pick the girl,
251
00:09:15,355 --> 00:09:16,824
there's a good chance
you're gonna hurt
252
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:18,158
your dad's feelings, but..
253
00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:21,662
it is his job to love you
unconditionally.
254
00:09:21,695 --> 00:09:22,896
Now, if you pick the game,
255
00:09:22,930 --> 00:09:25,032
you might hurt
Tasha's feelings...
256
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,734
not to mention
(locker unlocks)
257
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,035
you'll miss
Back To The Future,
258
00:09:28,068 --> 00:09:29,703
which is supposed
to be one of the best
259
00:09:29,737 --> 00:09:31,805
movies out
this year, but...
260
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,206
it will be a pretty
good game,
261
00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:35,308
so I'd have to say girl.
262
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:37,010
No, game.
263
00:09:37,044 --> 00:09:38,045
Girl.
264
00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:40,347
Wait, no-- game!
265
00:09:40,380 --> 00:09:42,916
Girl!
266
00:09:42,950 --> 00:09:44,785
Game!
267
00:09:48,155 --> 00:09:51,024
(singing softly)
268
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:52,159
Get your butt over here.
269
00:09:52,192 --> 00:09:54,394
Rochelle?!
What are you doing out here
270
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:55,863
sneaking up on people?
271
00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:57,330
You could've caused me
to have a heart attack.
272
00:09:57,364 --> 00:09:59,066
Michael should've
died years ago,
273
00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,068
but his heart was way too lazy
274
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:02,903
to attack him.
What do you think you're doing?
275
00:10:02,936 --> 00:10:03,904
What?
276
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,874
Why did you ask Vanessa
to go out with you?
277
00:10:06,907 --> 00:10:08,208
Because she cute,
278
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:10,177
she got a good job,
she need a man,
279
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,912
Mama said I need a woman,
280
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,247
plus, I hear she
co-signs on loans.
281
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,784
Well, you need to ask
somebody else out.
282
00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:19,019
You don't see me
going around asking
your friends out.
283
00:10:19,052 --> 00:10:20,954
What're you saying,
I'm not good enough
284
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,956
for your friend?
No, Michael, I'm saying
285
00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,892
that if you go out with
her and have a good time,
286
00:10:24,925 --> 00:10:26,393
she's going to expect
you to call her back.
287
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:28,161
You ain't got no money,
288
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,763
you ain't got no phone,
289
00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,231
and if she hasn't
heard from you,
290
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,867
she's gonna be distracted.
291
00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:35,202
And if I end up with
a bald patch in my head
292
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,837
'cause she left the
perm in too long--
293
00:10:36,870 --> 00:10:38,138
oh, you and me...
294
00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:40,273
...we gonna have problems!
295
00:10:40,307 --> 00:10:41,374
Well, I'm sorry, sis.
296
00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:42,943
She already said yes.
297
00:10:42,976 --> 00:10:45,412
I can't cancel right now.
What would I look like?
298
00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,379
Like a bald patch.
299
00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:48,716
Don't you walk away
from me! Don't you walk...
300
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:49,950
I'm gonna get my woman.
Michael!
301
00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,351
Back at home,
302
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:54,187
I was about to call
the game on a technicality.
303
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,289
Mm! The Dodgers are
on a three-game run.
304
00:10:56,323 --> 00:10:57,791
They're going
to stomp the Mets.
305
00:10:57,825 --> 00:10:58,692
This game is
gonna be good.
306
00:10:58,726 --> 00:11:00,728
I thought we wanted
the Dodgers to lose.
307
00:11:00,761 --> 00:11:02,696
Usually.
308
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,698
But the Dodgers
are the only team
309
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,366
that weren't mean
to Jackie Robinson.
310
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,902
You hire the only black guy
playing, I'm on your side.
311
00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:10,771
I feel the same way
about midgets.
312
00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:13,306
Baby, I haven't seen
you this excited
313
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,175
since you found that
book of food stamps.
314
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:16,243
She should have seen him
315
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:18,378
when he found a meter
with time left on it!
316
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,480
Look, we got great seats,
free tickets,
317
00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:22,482
I got the day off, and I get
to hang with my boys.
318
00:11:22,515 --> 00:11:24,017
If you threw in a nap,
319
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,085
he would die and go to heaven.
320
00:11:25,118 --> 00:11:28,221
If you threw in a nap,
I'd die and go to heaven.
321
00:11:28,255 --> 00:11:29,222
See?
322
00:11:29,256 --> 00:11:31,358
Tonya, you want some cornbread?
323
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:34,394
No, I'm not really
all that hungry.
324
00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,296
Baby, you got to eat.
325
00:11:36,329 --> 00:11:37,998
You don't want
to die of starvation
326
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,032
before your picture gets here.
327
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,368
Oh, okay.
328
00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:44,104
DREW:
Hey, Dad?
329
00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:45,939
Can we eat whatever
we want at the game?
330
00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:47,140
Yeah.
331
00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:49,743
As long as it costs
less than $2.00.
332
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:52,212
I'm going to get two hot dogs,
cotton candy, and peanuts...
333
00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:53,413
Chris, what you gonna eat?
334
00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:55,849
My words?
335
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:56,950
Nothing.
336
00:11:56,984 --> 00:11:58,451
Because I'm not
going to the game.
337
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:01,221
What do you mean?
338
00:12:01,254 --> 00:12:04,457
Well, Tasha asked me if I wanted
to go to the movies on Saturday,
339
00:12:04,491 --> 00:12:05,492
and I said "yes."
340
00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:08,862
My father never
really showed his feelings,
341
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:12,532
but when he was hurt,
he'd always say the same thing.
342
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,067
Cool.
343
00:12:15,202 --> 00:12:16,536
Cool.
344
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:20,007
That's not cool, that's cold.
345
00:12:23,510 --> 00:12:24,644
CHRIS ROCK:
After giving it some thought,
346
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:27,047
Vanessa decided to give my mom
a piece of her mind.
347
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,081
Rochelle.
348
00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:32,052
Ah, hey, Vanessa,
what's up?
349
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,021
Well, you tell me-- why don't
you think I'm good enough
350
00:12:34,054 --> 00:12:35,022
to go out with your brother?
351
00:12:35,055 --> 00:12:36,456
I never said that.
352
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:38,258
I tell you what,
Miss High and Mighty,
353
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:39,526
when you figure out
what you are trying to say,
354
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:40,527
you call me at home
355
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,195
and then say it.
356
00:12:42,229 --> 00:12:45,498
Until then, find somebody else
to wax your mustache.
357
00:12:45,532 --> 00:12:48,368
What about the soul patch?
358
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:53,807
My mother went from
making a snap judgment
359
00:12:53,841 --> 00:12:55,542
to looking for a snapshot.
360
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:58,045
Oh, Risky, Risky, Risky.
361
00:12:58,078 --> 00:12:59,579
Oh, hey, Rochelle, what do you
need-- a butter roll or bagel?
362
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,582
Do you still have those
celebrity autograph pictures?
363
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,317
I might have a few.
364
00:13:04,351 --> 00:13:05,585
You got Billy Ocean?
365
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,921
What you want with a
picture of Billy Ocean?
366
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:08,922
It's for Tonya.
367
00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:11,859
All right, Tonya.
368
00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:14,561
All right, let's see here.
369
00:13:14,594 --> 00:13:20,167
Okay, uh, Billie Jean King,
Wild Bill Hickok, uh...
370
00:13:20,200 --> 00:13:21,068
Billy Joel...
371
00:13:21,101 --> 00:13:22,836
What do you do with
these pictures anyway?
372
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,304
Oh, I sell 'em to
soul food restaurants.
373
00:13:26,006 --> 00:13:30,844
Okay, Arctic Ocean,
uh, Atlantic Ocean,
374
00:13:30,878 --> 00:13:32,545
Pacific Ocean...
Billy Ocean!
375
00:13:32,579 --> 00:13:34,014
Ah! Yes!
Billy Ocean!
376
00:13:34,047 --> 00:13:35,048
Yes! Thank you.
377
00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:37,284
Two dollars.
Okay, here you go.
378
00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,285
All right.
379
00:13:38,318 --> 00:13:39,286
You got a bagel?
380
00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:40,353
Oh, sure, sure.
381
00:13:40,387 --> 00:13:43,223
Oat, uh, honey...
Thanks.
382
00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,558
Out of all the people
I talked to
383
00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,294
the only one who
didn't tell me what to do
384
00:13:47,327 --> 00:13:51,498
was the one who
it mattered to most.
385
00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:52,499
Hey, Dad.
386
00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:54,267
Yeah?
387
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:55,335
I'm going to work.
388
00:13:55,368 --> 00:13:56,636
I'll be back
in a little bit.
389
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:57,871
Okay.
390
00:14:01,008 --> 00:14:01,975
Dad?
391
00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,243
Yeah?
392
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,512
Can I go to the Mets game
with you and Drew?
393
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:07,881
What happened to your movie?
394
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:10,083
Nothing.
395
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,085
(baseball game playing
on TV)
396
00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:13,220
I'd just rather
go to the game.
397
00:14:13,253 --> 00:14:18,125
Okay... Cool.
398
00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:20,493
Cool.
399
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,263
For the first time, "cool"
actually meant "cool."
400
00:14:23,296 --> 00:14:25,132
ANNOUNCER:
It's Mets against the Dodgers
401
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:27,267
this Saturday, from Shea,
on Mets Network...
402
00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:29,069
Ain't you supposed
to be going to work?
403
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,971
Yeah.
404
00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,548
Letting my father down
was hard,
405
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:45,185
but bailing out on Tasha
was going to be worse.
406
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,353
Hey, Chris.
407
00:14:46,386 --> 00:14:48,655
Hey, Tasha.
408
00:14:48,688 --> 00:14:49,923
Um, I've got
some bad news.
409
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,258
What?
410
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,093
I can't go to the movies
with you on Saturday.
411
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,494
Why not?
412
00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:56,296
I've got to go to this
baseball game with my dad.
413
00:14:56,329 --> 00:14:57,330
That's okay.
414
00:14:58,598 --> 00:15:00,433
Hey, Eric.
415
00:15:00,467 --> 00:15:02,002
Want to go to the movies
Saturday?
416
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,336
Sure.
417
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,105
See you Saturday.
418
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:06,406
Okay.
419
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,108
If Tasha were here
to do her voice-over,
420
00:15:08,141 --> 00:15:09,409
she would admit that
she's heartbroken.
421
00:15:09,442 --> 00:15:11,178
ADULT TASHA:
No, I wouldn't.
422
00:15:11,211 --> 00:15:14,347
I wasn't heartbroken, I don't
even remember this happening.
423
00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:16,349
So I'll see you later?
424
00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,685
Um, yeah.
Okay.
425
00:15:18,718 --> 00:15:20,653
CHRIS ROCK:
While Tasha silently
suffered in Brooklyn...
426
00:15:20,687 --> 00:15:22,222
TASHA:
I wasn't suffering then
427
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:23,623
and I'm not suffering now--
I don't care.
428
00:15:23,656 --> 00:15:26,159
CHRIS ROCK:
Be quiet.The next day,
outside of Shea Stadium...
429
00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:27,127
Man, I can't wait.
430
00:15:27,160 --> 00:15:28,728
Hey, Dad, during the
seventh-inning stretch,
431
00:15:28,761 --> 00:15:29,829
can we get some
caramel corn?
432
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:33,967
Yeah, but let's not eat so much
we get sick-- Come on.
433
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:36,203
I would've enjoyed
Back to the Future with Tasha,
434
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:39,539
but it wasn't better than a day
in the present with my father.
435
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:41,541
Here you go.
436
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,978
Hold on--
you can't use these.
437
00:15:45,012 --> 00:15:45,478
Why not?
438
00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:46,646
Why not?
439
00:15:46,679 --> 00:15:47,647
What do you think,
I can't read?
440
00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,082
What are you talking about?
441
00:15:49,116 --> 00:15:51,985
These are from
last year's game.
442
00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:54,054
Let me see those.
443
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:55,722
April, 1984?
444
00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,490
Otherwise known as last year.
445
00:15:57,524 --> 00:16:02,162
I'm going to kill your uncle.
446
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:03,730
Do you mind?
447
00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:05,532
Uh, where's the ticket booth?
448
00:16:05,565 --> 00:16:07,734
Maybe we can buy some
bleacher seats.
449
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:10,003
I don't think so.
450
00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:11,071
The game's sold out.
451
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:12,505
Did I ask you that?
452
00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,174
Fine, go to
the ticket booth.
453
00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,076
They're going to
tell you the same thing.
454
00:16:17,677 --> 00:16:19,512
Down and to the left.
455
00:16:19,546 --> 00:16:23,550
Let me know how that
works out for you.
456
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:30,657
CHRIS:
So, did they have anything?
457
00:16:30,690 --> 00:16:32,359
Nope.
458
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,426
Bleachers?
459
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,494
Sold out.
460
00:16:34,527 --> 00:16:35,495
Nosebleeds?
461
00:16:35,528 --> 00:16:37,330
All full.
462
00:16:37,364 --> 00:16:38,331
I'm sorry, Chris.
463
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,433
It's okay, Dad.
464
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,669
Too bad you didn't get
to see Back to the Future.
465
00:16:42,702 --> 00:16:44,371
You probably could have
sat right next to Tasha.
466
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:45,805
I know.
467
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,040
And afterwards,
468
00:16:47,074 --> 00:16:48,108
you could have
gone to the park,
469
00:16:48,141 --> 00:16:49,142
got some ice cream...
470
00:16:49,176 --> 00:16:50,643
Yeah.
471
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,046
Probably chocolate, 'cause
I know you like chocolate.
472
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:54,747
Yeah, I know.
473
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:56,049
It would've been one of
the best days of your life,
474
00:16:56,083 --> 00:16:57,784
and now it's ruined.
475
00:16:57,817 --> 00:17:00,120
I'm sure glad I didn't miss
the movie to see this game.
476
00:17:00,153 --> 00:17:01,321
Okay!
Okay!
477
00:17:02,622 --> 00:17:03,590
JULIUS:
You know what?
478
00:17:03,623 --> 00:17:06,726
I told you guys we were
going to see this game
479
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,095
and we're going
to see this game.
480
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:09,662
Come on.
481
00:17:18,171 --> 00:17:22,242
Tonya! I have a big
envelope for you!
482
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:24,177
Is it my picture?
483
00:17:24,211 --> 00:17:27,580
Oh, I don't know, but...
smells Caribbean to me!
484
00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:29,649
Maybe he wrote
your name.
485
00:17:29,682 --> 00:17:34,421
He probably said
something special!
486
00:17:34,454 --> 00:17:36,823
Ma, this is not Billy Ocean.
487
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:40,093
This is Billy Dee Williams.
488
00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,461
What?
489
00:17:41,494 --> 00:17:43,730
Let's see that.
490
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,832
Damn it, Risky.
491
00:17:52,439 --> 00:17:53,406
Baby, I'm sorry.
492
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:55,175
Why? What happened?
493
00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,810
Well, you gave me your
letter for Billy Ocean,
494
00:17:57,844 --> 00:18:01,748
and I lost it in my purse,
and I never mailed it.
495
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:04,251
So I'm not getting
my Billy Ocean picture.
496
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:06,619
No, I'm sorry, baby.
497
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,488
Do you still have the letter?
498
00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:09,756
Yeah, why?
499
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:11,124
Can I have it?
500
00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:13,826
Oh... here.
501
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,762
Thanks.
502
00:18:15,795 --> 00:18:17,397
W-wait, wait, wait
where you going?
503
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:18,765
I'm going to go mail this letter
504
00:18:18,798 --> 00:18:21,268
so I can get my picture
of Billy Ocean.
505
00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:24,304
My mother always did the
best for us that she could,
506
00:18:24,337 --> 00:18:25,338
even if it didn't
make a bit of sense.
507
00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:28,241
(cheering)
508
00:18:28,275 --> 00:18:33,413
Me and Drew had never been
inside Earl's bar.
509
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,482
It was a place where men
got together to act like men.
510
00:18:36,816 --> 00:18:38,285
Hitter's got a full count.
511
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:39,852
That don't mean nothing.
512
00:18:39,886 --> 00:18:41,421
I'll tell you what it means.
513
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:42,422
It's going to be tragic.
514
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,157
Tragic?
515
00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:45,592
Want to hear about
something tragic?
516
00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:46,826
You ever been lost in the
Peruvian Jungle
517
00:18:46,859 --> 00:18:47,794
with a mine
stuck to your butt?
518
00:18:47,827 --> 00:18:50,463
Man, will you be quiet
and watch the game?
519
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:51,864
When I was a kid,
520
00:18:51,898 --> 00:18:53,200
I never got to hang out
with my dad that much.
521
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,202
But not going to
a baseball game
522
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:57,204
turned out to be one
of the best days ever.
523
00:18:57,237 --> 00:18:58,338
You okay?
524
00:18:58,371 --> 00:18:59,339
Yeah.
Yeah.
525
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:00,540
You need anything?
526
00:19:00,573 --> 00:19:01,608
Can I have a beer?
527
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:02,409
No.
528
00:19:02,442 --> 00:19:04,177
Can I have a beer?
529
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:05,445
No.
530
00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:09,216
(cheers and applause)
531
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:14,387
My mother lost friends
over money, and over men,
532
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:16,356
but she wasn't about
to let anybody
533
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:17,957
get in the way of a good perm.
534
00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:18,958
Hey, girl.
535
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,460
Hey.
536
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,262
I'm sorry.
537
00:19:22,295 --> 00:19:25,932
I shouldn't tell you who
you can and can't go out with.
538
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:27,767
I know you was just
looking out for me.
539
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,236
So how was it?
540
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,237
Awful.
541
00:19:30,270 --> 00:19:31,971
I never been with a man
that cheap in my life.
542
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:34,274
He's not cheap, he's broke.
543
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:35,742
Trust me, there's
a big difference.
544
00:19:35,775 --> 00:19:36,743
Well, then why
did you let me
545
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:37,744
go out with him?
546
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:38,911
I tried to talk you out of it!
547
00:19:38,945 --> 00:19:39,979
No, you didn't.
548
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,482
You said, "I don't think
this is such a good idea."
549
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:43,950
Well, what was
I supposed to say?
550
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,585
You supposed to say,
"He broke, don't
go out with him."
551
00:19:45,618 --> 00:19:46,819
And that would
make a difference?
552
00:19:46,853 --> 00:19:47,820
Not to Britney Spears.
553
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:50,223
Yeah, well, when I'm doing
something stupid,
554
00:19:50,257 --> 00:19:51,224
you're supposed to stop me.
555
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:52,959
Don't blame me, heifer,
you're a grown woman.
556
00:19:52,992 --> 00:19:55,762
Believe it or not,
that's how they made up.
557
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:56,929
You still got me on the books
for Tuesday?
558
00:19:56,963 --> 00:19:59,732
Does Diana Ross wear a wig?
559
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,936
Oh, that game was great.
560
00:20:03,970 --> 00:20:04,937
Yeah, thanks, Dad.
561
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:05,972
Yeah.
562
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,009
Whoa, cool.
563
00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:12,845
Yeah, if you want a car that
looks like a belt buckle.
564
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,914
Kill Moves, where'd
you get this car?
565
00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:16,015
I went to see
Back to the Future
566
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:17,884
and they were giving them away.
567
00:20:17,917 --> 00:20:19,352
That explains the car.
568
00:20:19,386 --> 00:20:21,254
What about the white lady?
569
00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:22,955
* Everybody hates Chris.
570
00:20:22,989 --> 00:20:26,793
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
571
00:20:32,799 --> 00:20:34,934
* Oh... make it funky now!
37032
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