Original subtitles

♪ Today's the day

♪ I'm afraid to say

♪ That nothing's due to happen

♪ But here's the post, you never know

♪ It might supply us with a show. ♪

Whoa!

Nice entrance there, Vic. Ha-ha-ha!

Thank you, I've just had it polished.

Yeah, you should maybe have had it trimmed as well.

Right, well, so, Bob, today's the day

that we haven't got any plot at all... Yeah, I know.

..for the ladies and gentlemen to enjoy.

Yeah, it's a shame, isn't it?

I mean, unless there's something in

those letters that would suggest a plot. Well, fingers crossed,

otherwise it's going to be an early bath. Yeah.

Not just for us, Vic,

but for the ladies and gentlemen at home as well. Yeah. Here you are.

OK, let's see.

Well, the first one's a bill, put that in the furnace.

Right, will do.

Gas bill. Ah, yeah.

Next one...

Oh, it's handwritten. A little bit more hopeful.

"Dear Vic and Bob, several hundred boiled eggs have once again

"fallen out of the space shuttle and are making a beeline for your flat.

"What...?" What's that?

"What you going to do about it, is it?"

It's signed, Tinie Tempah.

Oh, it's Tinie Tempah.

Always writing this shite, isn't he?

Well, I think that's already been done on Emmerdale, Vic. Furnace it.

Oh, beautiful work, Vic.

Hey, this one looks a lot more hopeful, it's from America.

From where, America? America.

Right. It's from America.

Eh, maybe it's one of those, like, Homeland, CSI, 24-style plots.

That would be something.

No, Bob, I think I might know what this is and it's not good.

Sorry, what?

I think I might know what it is.

Look, sit down.

I am sat down, Vic.

Yeah, you are sat down, aren't you?

All right, well, have a...have a tin of Chum or some Whiskas.

I don't want any, thanks, Vic.

Well, have some Trill or a lick on a fat ball or something.

Well, Vic, I'm not a pet bird.

You know I'm not a pet bird.

No, no, I know you're not a pet bird.

God, you look really worried.

Get up a minute, just raise up. OK.

There we are.

Who's been a busy boy then? Who's been a busy boy?

Been a busy boy, haven't you?

Been a busy... He's been a busy boy, ladies and gentlemen.

You've been a busy boy, you've been a busy boy.

Look, you've been a busy boy.

Yeah, Vic, can you stop stalling?

What's the problem with this letter from America?

Argh... Right, you know I go to the swimming baths on a Tuesday night?

Yeah, right, when I'm doing creative shot put. Yeah.

Yeah. Well...

I was there this week

and it was little chaps night for all the little superstars.

There was Tom Cruise,

there was Hammond, there was Prince, Stallone.

Oh, right. All there in the shallow end, you know, like, the

2½-foot deep end.

Anyway, so, I thought, I'm going to introduce myself,

so I thought, "I'll do a super splash,"

and so I called, "Look out, here comes Splashbo,"

and I did a super dive,

a super splash, and right into the face of Stallone.

Right. He got a mouthful. He was distraught.

Yeah. He was going, "Adrian, Adrian!"

Hold on, hold on a minute, Vic, who's Adrian?

Adrian Lewis, the lifeguard.

So Adrian Lewis got his long pole, with a hook on the end of it,

and hooked him up by the... by the trunks,

hoisted him out into the air and said, "Who did this to you, Rambo?"

So I ran off past the cubicles and the last thing I heard

was Stallone shouting, "I'm going to sue your ass."

Honestly? So I'm really worried that that...that might be a letter

from his lawyers. Oh, you think... Going to... He's going to sue my ass. From Stallone's lawyers...

Come on, let's find out, let's grasp the nettle, as it were.

Come on! Tangible reality, this letter, it has to be faced up to.

Open it.

No, this isn't from Stallone's lawyers, you're fine,

absolutely fine.

Nothing to do with Stallone at all. Oh, thank goodness.

Yeah, but let's see if there's a plot in here, Vic. I hope so.

OK. "Dear sirs, greetings from the White House."

The White...

The White House?!

The home of the President of America?

Yeah, you... Hey, who is the President at the moment?

Is it that cowboy fella?

No, I think it's that lad who used to be in Kool and the Gang.

Oh, it is, you're right. No, you're right. He's good, him.

Sorry, I'll go back again.

"Dear sirs, greetings from the White House."

The White House? The home of the President of America?

Yes, yeah, yeah.

"We are pleased to inform you that your family has been selected for

"a special state visit by the First Lady of America, Michelle Obama."

Michelle Obama?

"It is thought that you represent,

"perfectly, the average British family.

"Michelle will be over at five-ish

"following a traditional cream tea at Julie's Bistro."

Don't...

That one had hardened a little bit before it was expelled, hadn't it?

Yes, it had. Well, to be honest with you, Vic, no-one's going to believe

that we represent the average British family

so as a plot, I'm sorry but it's horse water.

It's horse water. Put it in the furnace.

All right.

No, hang on a minute.

I'm going to keep it there, just in case. This might be a plot.

Well, maybe.

Oh, hello.

All right, Erik? All right, Rachel?

Lovely to see you, really is.

And we've got a little bit of a problem with this episode,

we haven't actually got a plot,

wondering if you've got any ideas, Erik? Oh, yeah, Father, I do.

How about you get really fat

and more ugly and nobody likes you,

so you have to go and live in a refugee camp in Calais?

It is a strong idea, Erik, but this has already been done.

Every week he is fat, ugly and unpopular.

I love you, Rachel.

I love you too, Erik,

but not as much as I love the Vic Reeves.

Hey, Vic, you look great.

Like you grew up in the gym.

Yes.

Why don't you do what Vic says?

The guy is a genius.

Yeah, he's a guarantee of quality.

Right, well, that was a great help, wasn't it?

Still haven't got a plot, Vic.

I tell you what, hang on,

what about having a look at some of my plot ideas?

Oh, what, your pocket ideas?

How about this, then?

Ooh, Bob gets a gorilla pregnant.

No, I'm not doing that again.

Bob grows antlers and is employed as a hatstand at Harvey Nicks.

That ain't half bad, that. If I could grow some antlers...

Yeah, go on, try. I'll give it a go.

Hey, just some ground antlers.

Not really what you needed. Sorry. Anything else?

How about this one? Go on.

We've run out of butter.

Yeah. Yeah, and? And?

What do you need butter for?

For your toast, for your crumpets, for bacon.

To oil up your greyhound before it goes in the traps.

No, you soft bell, you use it to treat your burns, don't you?

Butter for burns. Yeah, I like it.

But Vic, plot-wise, I'm not burnt and you're not burnt so...

What?

Just you wait there.

OK, and what do you want me to do, Vic?

Sing your little song that you sing on a Sunday. Oh, OK.

♪ I'm just a little bird whose legs got crushed

♪ When someone threw a bottle in my favourite bush

♪ I've got a lovely smile and a clever face

♪ But all the other birds think I'm a fucking disgrace. ♪

Bob. Yeah?

Right, now, now you've been set on fire, what are you thinking?

Well, I'm thinking I'm pretty badly burnt, you know? Exactly.

Oh, and one of the good things is

we can now confirm that that wig is fire retardant.

Oh, so it was worth paying that little bit extra.

It always is.

Yeah, so I'm thinking, I'm badly burnt but that's not a problem

so long as we've got some butter.

But the problem is...

We haven't got any butter!

Plot on.

♪ Back from Calcutta with a cart-load of butter

♪ It's what they use for currency

♪ And on my way back from Durban I've picked up this turban

♪ They say it harbours magical properties. ♪

Well, Beef, you manage to have ruined

the plot with your cart full of butter. What?

Yeah, Beef, we had a perfectly serviceable plot that you have

ruined by bringing butter into the house.

Having said that, I do like your hat.

It's not a hat, it's a turban, made from Gandhi's ceremonial underpants.

And when worn, it says it gives

the wearer the power to add and subtract.

Beef, I can add and subtract, you know?

Yeah, some say.

So what's the big deal, Beef?

The big deal is better men than us

said that whoever wears this can only tell the truth.

Ooh!

Did you hear that? Could be a plot here.

Truth turban... Ask him something.

OK. Put it on.

Put the hat on there, Beef.

You say you got this turban in Africa, yes?

No, no, no, I got it in a skip round the back of the dairy.

The truth! Try another. Try another.

Beef, Beef, you can't actually grab words and put them

back inside yourself.

Haven't been able to do that since, what, the '60s?

Can you not? Absolutely sure. I'll ask him something else.

Yeah, go on, then.

Oh, Beef, I just wondered, are you a virgin?

Yeah.

Damn this helmet.

The truth will out. What?

Let's make him do it.

Yes. Why? You put it on. Go on.

Yes. Well, all right, if it moves the plot on.

You look like Aladdin.

Yeah, Aladdin what?

A lad in a turban.

Well, come on, then, ask me something.

Yeah, go on, then.

Good one, that, yeah. Go on.

Bob, describe Vic's face.

Oh, yeah, that's easy. Vic, he's got a face like,

I don't know, a ton of welts in a gym bag, you know what I mean?

Or a bit like a monk sticking his head out of a bison's arse.

I just can't stop myself, it's great, this hat.

Take it off. Take it off.

We should've stuck with the butter plot.

All right, Vic, it's not me. Take it off, man.

Don't blame me, it's the turban what's doing it.

Don't blame the turban.

Hat or no hat, I'd never reveal your secrets,

eg the fact that you're always telling people that you're a zombie.

I am a zombie, aren't I, Beef?

That's what I was always led to believe.

Well, go on, then, put it on.

Yeah, I will.

Are you a zombie? No.

Ha-ha, there!

What? Oh! You're not a zombie? Well, then what the hell are you?

Some kind of shape shifter?

No, he's not, he's just a man,

just an ordinary man, like Mr Kipling or Uncle Ben.

Or Ken Hom.

Maybe, maybe.

That turban is evil, we should get rid of it.

It'll split this family in two.

But, Beef, it's the only plot we've got.

Hello. Hello, yes.

And first of all, may I say good luck

to everyone involved in this plotless episode?

Personally, I'd have gone for something a little bit more structured,

like what Miranda does, but,

sadly, I was outvoted by this

pack of twats.

Oh, you got snagged there.

Got snagged.

Got himself snagged. Oh, right.

Oh, thanks, Bosh.

Are you going to work? Yeah.

Could you do us a favour, take this down to the bistro with you?

It's just to move the plot on.

Yeah, all right.

If you do that for us, thank you.

Yeah. Listen, did I hear that

Michelle Obama was coming down later on?

Well, that plot's still on the back burner, just in case

this plot starts getting a bit thin.

Oh, OK. Right, I'll nick off then.

OK, see you later then, Bosh.

Yeah.

Well, hello there.

My name is Bernadette Devlin, from the Environmental Health Department.

I have three qu... Eh? Bernadette?

Kind of a name's that?

No, use Bernard. Bernadette would've been for an old, previous script.

Anyway, you're just a plot device so it don't really matter.

Oh, right. Tell you what, I'll start again.

I won't go all the way out.

Hello, I'm Bernard Devlin from the Environmental Health Department.

I have three questions regarding this establishment.

Question one, do you have any vermin?

Yes, we do, we've got rats, we've got mice

and the occasional cockerel.

No...cockroach.

Here, I shouldn't be telling you all this, you know?

Question two, are all food preparation surfaces

regularly sterilised and cleaned?

No, no, never, never, no.

We used to have some of them cleaning chemicals that

Tony Blackburn used to advertise, you know, for the plughole

but they were so strong that, you know, we chucked them in the river.

And finally,

are your fridges kept at minus five degrees or less?

What fridge?

I've heard quite enough of this.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to close this restaurant

until further notice.

I will be back in one hour to reinspect.

Good day, sir.

Bosh.

Have you heard the terrible news?

A juggernaut has crashed into Bob's dune buggy

and he's trapped underneath and we can't get in touch with Vic

because he's getting his hair permed in Cardiff.

We dropped that plotline ages ago, Julie.

Oh, right, so what are we going with? Bring me up to speed.

I'm a little bit out of the loop myself but just to say that

there's been an environmental health inspector who's just come down

and shut down the bistro. Eff off. You serious?

Yeah, I told him about the vermin and the lack of the fridge.

What did you do that for?

I don't know. I just felt compelled.

It just sort of came out.

Anyway he's going to come back in an hour and reinspect.

Oh, is he? Yeah.

Oh, is Michelle Obama still turning up later?

Well, Vic said there's a chance she may come down a little bit

later on if the plot gets a little saggy.

Oh, right.

Oh, well, in that case, I'll need a hat, won't I?

Can I try that one on?

Yeah, here you go, Julie. Get it on.

Ooh.

Eff off, you. Get out of my shop.

You're sacked, you useless ape.

That's it, yeah, get another job. I told you,

get another job. I don't know what as,

beggar at a shit farm, selling black carts to mourners

at the cemetery gates?

Get out of here!

I'd cry if I were human.

I say, Vic, what's this about this Obama plot still being pertinent?

Well, you see, the thing is, Bob, I've recently discovered that

Michelle Obama is in the area today

visiting Grout County Building Supplies. You know,

where everyone goes to get their asphalt?

To get their ass felt?

Yeah.

You go there to get your ass felt. Where do you go to get your ass felt?

To get my ass felt? Yeah.

I get my ass felt down the docks.

I generally go down to get my ass felt down the docks.

Off the sailors.

Beef, could you stop doing those paradiddles on your drum?

What drum? That wasn't a drum.

That was the radishes I got from the farmers' market.

Beef, you idiot.

What did you say? No...

An idiot? All right.

If I was an idiot, would I be able to do this?

Oh, what's he going to do...?

I used to love looking at that wall.

What's all this hokum about Michelle Obama coming round?

No, no, she's probably not coming, Beef.

It's just a hangover from an old plot we've replaced with,

you know, the truth turban.

Well, that is a pity cos I was hoping to have some

experimental sex with her.

No. You do not do that and especially don't put that hat on

and start displaying your true feelings to her.

Yeah, you could cause an international incident, Beef.

Between the President of the United States of America

and our current Prime Minister, Stephen Fry.

Fancy that.

Julie. Yes?

What's going on with Bosh?

He says that you've sacked him, he's really upset,

he's crying like a baby, we can't get him to come

out of his cot, he's just laid there, cuddling Mr Wilkins.

Oh, is that his teddy bear?

No, it's Mr Wilkins.

He came free with the Nationwide when you joined in the '80s.

Oh, come on, don't be silly, we're by ourselves now.

Yes, exactly. Fancy a quick waddle up Ramsay Street?

No, I'm just worried about Bosh.

Oh, come on, can I put my finger up your nose?

No, you can't, no!

Oh, come on, what about a quick rummage round my bin bags?

No.

Fine, well, that's a shame.

Oh, will you try this hat on before you go?

I want to see how it looks. No, I don't want to try that on.

Oh, come on. I don't... Don't be such an A-hole. No.

I want to wear it for when Michelle Obama comes round.

Don't wear it when she's around.

Ah, no!

Oh, I like it.

Do you think it will go with this dress?

Do you fancy me in it?

To be honest, Julie, no.

I really, really don't fancy you, and that frock is awful, it looks cheap.

Turn around.

Oh, that's worse.

It's all lumps and bumps, looks like a profiterole.

In fact, it looks like a pile of profiteroles at a totter's wake.

Damn this hat!

Damn this treacherous bonnet.

I've got to go. I'm sorry.

I'd cry if it weren't true.

Oh, that would never happen.

Oh, I've spilt my tea.

A chicken would never say that,

and who the hell is that clown with the bucket on his head?

Alan Titsmarsh.

Well, why did you ask me if you knew who it was, Beef?

Don't move a goddamn muscle.

No, no, don't harm me, I'm Christopher Cockerell.

I invented the hovercraft.

Yes, and without me, Calais would be laid to waste.

Sir, we are the security detail for the First Lady's visit.

Oh, Beef, Beef, calm down. It's all right.

This is a hangover from the Obama plot.

They must still think it's on, you see.

Thank God for that.

Yeah, we just need to carry out some standard residential appraisal.

Yeah, yeah, that plot is barely hanging on in there.

You know what I mean? It's very much on the back burner.

Oh, what a bugger.

We turned down roles in Springwatch this week for this.

No, he's being serious, we were going to play a couple of foxes...

Ah. ..looking startled on the high street.

Oh, no, they'd have been really good at that as well.

I would've liked that, yeah. Thank you.

I'm sorry we're not doing that story

but if you'd like to hang around in the bistro downstairs with

Julie, she'll get you a biscuit or something like that.

There's a bistro, you say? Yeah, just downstairs.

Yeah, we can get you a Bolognese.

She'll look after you.

Thank you.

You see, this is Vic's fault.

It's Vic's fault. I don't know my arse from my elbow.

Oh, here he is.

All right.

Who were those lads?

They're the FBI wallahs from the Obama plot.

You didn't tell them to leave, did you? I'm still keen on that.

No, no, they're on standby in the bistro, Vic. Don't panic.

Oh, hello, Erik.

Eh? All right, Erik? What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, screw it. Yeah, yeah, no.

I see now.

I just said, "All right, Erik?"

All right, forget it. What is that? A turban?

Yeah. I tell you what, Erik, why don't you try it on and

go and have a wander with your dad?

Oh, Vic...

Go on. Oh, thanks, Vic.

Come on, Father, let's go to the kitchen,

we haven't had a chat in ages.

What's this you're watching?

Inside Hitler's Bunker.

Come on then, Erik, let's get this over and done with.

What have I done wrong today, for example?

Nothing.

In fact, I was just thinking how lucky I am to have you as my father.

Wow, really?

Yeah. You're a really special guy.

So wh...what's... What's your favourite thing about me, then?

Well, I love your physique.

And you're so funny

and whenever you enter a room, you look in command.

But, Erik, what about our plan to murder him?

To destroy him,

to stow his body under the stairs

and leave it there to rot, like an old Pot Noodle?

No. Plan aborted.

Women... Yeah, yeah.

You can't live with 'em, can't live adjacent to 'em.

Yeah.

She's such a slag.

Yeah...

She's known to be quite loose.

So, erm... Am I kind of like your hero then, Erik?

Yeah. Actually, that's what I'm thinking.

Well, Erik, that makes me really happy,

thank you, thank you very much.

Oh, that's nice. Oh, yeah. Oh, I like that.

Oh, oh, harder, grab me harder.

Oh, that's... No, no, wait, wait, look at my face, look at my face.

You're beautiful.

This is stupid,

who in their right mind would write "bomb" on the side of a bomb?

It's ridiculous, and if that man puts that dynamite into that other

man's trousers, there could be serious consequences for his cock.

Pardon?

His Hampton.

His hickory dickory.

There you are.

Guys!

The inspector's come back and he won't reopen the restaurant.

That means if Michelle Obama comes back and you still need her,

there's nowhere for her to visit!

What are we going to do?

I can't bear it, you've got to help me!

Whoa!

That was fabulous. Thank you.

Julie, that was fantastic. Did you like it? Yeah.

It wasn't too big? No, I think that just added to it, don't you?

Perfect, yeah. Yeah?

That was fantastic but it's a good point, you know, that Julie makes.

If you don't get rid of that health inspector,

you're not going to be able to resurrect the Obama plot, Vic.

No, you're right there.

Which gives me an idea.

What's your plan then, Vic?

Right.

Pay close attention.

FBI bloke. Sir, yes, sir.

This fellow, here, has been sent by Alan-Qaeda as an assassin to

assassinate Michelle Obama.

Overpower him!

An inspector falls.

Good one, Beef.

Oh, it's a good one.

Whoo! Whoopsy daisy.

Yes, an inspector has fallen but with only minutes left

in this episode, we simply do not have time to dispose of the body.

Well, fear ye not there, Bob,

because I'm now formally reinstating the Michelle Obama plot.

Oh, good call. Good call.

I knew you'd go with the Obama plot in the end anyway.

I'm old enough and wise enough to respect that and everything.

Thanks a lot. All right, cheers, bye now.

Oh, gosh, I don't have a hat and Michelle Obama's coming round

and Vic told me I look like a rancid pile of profiteroles.

I never said rancid.

Well, they will be by now.

Oh, attention, here she comes.

Ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding for the First Lady

of the United States of America, Michelle Obama.

Me come to inspect this bistro.

Lord, have mercy.

Yeah, well, I didn't have enough time to get a decent lookalike,

did I? So I had to get June from the canteen.

All right, June. Carry on.

Me husband apologise for not be here.

Him down the bookies.

He got a dead set at Sandown.

So, Michelle, what do you think of the average British family, then?

Ire...

you have any more Maltesers?

Well, it's turned out just as nice as can be.

Hold your horses there, because I, now, am about to announce

a revelation which is going to blow this Obama plot to King Kongdom.

On closer inspection of the interior of this turban, I have discovered

a dial, forcing the wearer to speak one, the truth, and two, lies.

Throughout this entire episode the dial has been on lies!

So Bosh didn't mean to get me in trouble with the inspector!

Oh...

And, Bob, you really are a zombie.

Yes.

I knew it.

Yes, and, Beef, you're not a virgin.

Far from it.

Oh, but hold on.

But hold on, that means that I'm not Erik's hero.

You got that right.

Whoa, whoa, what's the matter with you?

Well, it's Vic.

You see, when he was wearing the hat, he said he didn't fancy me.

Oh...

Which means you really, really,

really do fancy her!

Ooh!

♪ Didn't we have a lovely day

♪ When Vic expressed his feelings?

♪ But what happens next?

♪ It's up to him

♪ I must catch this bus to Stockton. ♪

Thank you.