Original subtitles

[theme music]

[explosion]

[music continues]

[thunder rumbling]

[instrumental music]

♪ Jingle bells jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one horse open sleigh hey ♪

♪ Jingle bells Batman smells ♪

♪ Robin laid an egg ♪

♪ The Batmobile lost a wheel ♪

♪ And the Joker got away ♪♪

[explosion]

[laughs]

♪ Crashing through the roof ♪

♪ In a one horse open tree ♪

♪ Busting out I go ♪

♪ Laughing all the whee ♪♪

[laughter]

(Robin) 'Come on, Batman, it's Christmas Eve.'

'Let's kick back and get into the spirit.'

(Batman) 'The Joker's escaped from Arkham Asylum, Robin.

And you really think he's gonna make

his move on Christmas Eve?

Even scum spend the holidays

with their families.

(Batman) He has no family.

Okay. I'll make a deal with you.

If we go out on patrol and Gotham is quiet

with no sign of the Joker

we come back here, have Christmas dinner

and watch "It's A Wonderful Life."

You know, I've never seen that.

I could never get past the title.

- It's a deal, then? - Deal.

[engine revving]

[dramatic music]

[saxophone music]

[bell ringing]

Doesn't it warm your heart to see everyone

in the spirit of Christmas?

swish

swoosh

Oh, bah humbug to you too.

You just can't believe there's no use

for us for one night.

There.

Hey, lady, hold up!

You dropped this package

a couple of blocks back.

Oh, it's for my grandson.

Thanks so much.

Merry Christmas.

Now, can we go home?

swish

(Robin) 'He could give lessons to Scrooge.'

(Alfred) The Christmas goose will be ready shortly.

You know, we really should've done

one more sweep of the city.

Now, just relax, Bruce.

You're gonna love "It's A Wonderful Life."

It's a great movie.

It's not relentlessly cheerful, is it?

No, it's about how much of a difference

one man can make to a city.

Sound familiar?

[instrumental music]

'Uh, wrong channel.'

Some kind of Christmas special.

"It's A Wonderful Life" will not be seen this year.

In its place is the following.

Joker here.

Greetings, Gotham, and Merry Christmas.

I hope you're watching, Batman.

This one's for you.

[laughter]

[all screaming]

[clanks]

(Joker) Live from Gotham City

the show that nobody wants to see

but everyone will watch.

[rumbling]

[explosion]

boom

(Joker) Yes, it's Christmas

with the Joker!

'And now, let's welcome our host.'

'The Clown Prince of Crime...'

The Joker!

Greetings from Gotham City.

And welcome to the first annual

"Christmas with the Joker."

[audience applauding]

Oh, thank you, thank you.

Thank you very much.

Have I got a show for you tonight.

It's loaded with surprises

and mystery guests and Christmas jeer.

(Robin) Well, Batman, you were sure right about the Joker.

Any leads?

I've accessed Gotham's electrical mainframe.

And I'm zeroing in on the power surges

to pinpoint the location of Joker's broadcast signal.

'That's it!'

I don't know, Batman.

It seems too easy.

It's never easy with the Joker.

Oh, Batman, I hope you're watching

'cause I've got a very special surprise

for you.

Rumor has it, Christmas is a time

to share with family.

[audience cheering]

And since I don't have one of my own...

(audience) 'Aww.'

I decided to steal one.

[audience cheering]

And here they are.

The awful Lawful family.

'Aren't they just the cutest'

'family you've ever seen?'

[engine revving]

It's never easy with the Joker.

Meet Daddy Lawful.

You diseased maniac, I'll...

Hmm, looks like I'll have to teach

daddy some manners.

And here's Mommy Lawful.

Help! Somebody please help us!

We...

Ho, ho, ho. Isn't she jolly?

And here we have

little Baby Lawful.

Coochie coochie coo.

When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your...

I'll bet Batman wishes

he had a family just like mine.

But personally, I think relatives are a bore

so Batman can have them

if he can find them by midnight.

[audience gasps]

Otherwise...

[laughter]

Hold tight. We're almost there.

(Joker as Laffy) Hi, I'm Laffy.

Joker's helpful little elf.

I'm here to present Batman

with a very special Christmas surprise.

Uh-oh! Here it comes.

Gee, Joker, it's sure nice of you

to get Bat Breath a present.

Ha-ho! I'm just that kind of guy.

[audience laughing]

It's an exact replica of Gotham City.

It has everything even trains and bridges.

(Joker as Laffy) Bridges? I just love blowing up bridges.

Well, in that case, let's go

live to Donner and Blitzen

at the President's Bridge.

(Joker on PA) 'Greetings, Donner.'

'How about singing us a merry tune'

'while you blow up the bridge?'

Sure, boss.

♪ Jingle bells Batman smells ♪

♪ Robin laid an egg... ♪♪

[explosion]

[rumbling]

That was great!

The fun has just begun.

The 11:30 train will be along any minute.

[tires screeching]

We've gotta stop that train.

[muffled screams]

Oh, look, Laffy.

Mommy Lawful has something to say.

(Joker as Laffy) What's up, Mommy?

My mother's on that train.

Your mother?

Well, that's different then.

(Joker as Laffy) Yeah, it'll be even more

exciting when it crashes.

[laughing]

[dramatic music]

beep

You uncouple the passenger cars.

I'll get the engineer.

[music continues]

[creaking]

[screeching]

[music continues]

The bridge is out. Come on!

thud

[explosion]

Bah humbug.

I hate Batman and Robin.

Then let's get rid of them.

[explosion]

Oh, boy! Let's build a snowman.

[laughter]

We've isolated the Joker's broadcast signal.

'It's coming from the observatory'

'on Mount Gotham.'

[intense music]

swoosh

(Batman) There, the radar antenna.

(Robin) What's that?

Careful, Robin, I'm sure there's more to this

than meets the eye.

(Joker) 'Merry Christmas, Batman.'

'I'm so glad you could join us.'

What's your game, Joker?

(Joker) 'Oh, just a little holiday'

'entertainment, Batman.'

I'm sure all the folks at home

will enjoy sharing

this special occasion.

'Ladies and gentlemen'

'boys and girls'

live from the top of Mount Gotham

the death of Batman.

[whirring]

boom

boom boom

When you care enough

to send the very blast.

We'll return in just a moment

but first a word from our sponsor.

[intense music]

boom

Robin, try and get inside the observatory.

I'll draw its fire.

boom

[explosion]

[static buzzing]

Oops!

Looks like we're experiencing

technical difficulty.

But don't worry, folks

we're still on the air.

Oh, no! Our cannon seems to be out of control.

Gotham City could be in serious danger.

[explosion]

[tires screeching]

[all screaming]

[explosion]

[intense music]

[laughter]

[gunfire]

Batman, Robin here.

boom

Robin, Operation Cause and Effect.

Gotcha!

[gunfire]

[intense music]

swoop swoop swoop

[explosion]

- Batman? - I'm fine.

But we're not any closer to finding Joker's hideout.

What's our next move?

To be quite honest, I don't know.

[engine revving]

Batman, it's almost midnight. We have to do something.

It's up to the Joker now.

Only a miracle can save the hostages.

[grunting]

Where's that Bat fella and that Robin fella?

Ooh, they're gonna spoil my Christmas.

What's the matter? Can't they figure anything out?

Time's up. I'm rubbin' everybody out at midnight.

But wait.

We have another present to open.

Let's not keep Mommy Lawful waiting.

Too bad Batman is such a party pooper.

Maybe he doesn't know how to get here.

All dressed up with nowhere to go.

Well, I wonder what Mommy Lawful

is getting for Christmas.

'Ooh-hoo-hoo, the suspense is killing me.'

'Is it?'

'Can it be?'

Oh, yes!

It's a Betty Blooper doll.

And what do Better Blooper dolls do?

Why, you just wind them up...

...and they wreak havoc

on Gotham City.

[laughter]

I haven't seen one of those dolls in years.

They don't make dolls like that anymore.

Not since the Laffco Toy Factory

went out of business 14 years ago.

Third and Main, Downtown.

[dramatic music]

[tires screeching]

bam

screech

[music continues]

Look sharp, Robin.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Where's that music coming from?

Good question.

[laughter]

(Batman) Look out!

[music continues]

[buzzing]

thud

[stomping]

swish

pow

bam

Stand ready. More on the way.

[music continues]

[whirring]

Stand clear, Robin.

bash

[rattling]

boing

bash bash bash

They don't call you Batman for nothing.

click

Snipers!

[gunfire]

swish

[gunfire]

Where'd he go?

There he is!

[gunfire]

- Huh? - What?

- Look out! Whoa! - Whoa!

[automated voice on teddy] I love you very much.

[dramatic music]

Keep your eyes open for the Joker.

I'll save you the trouble, Batman.

Come and get your Christmas present

'or the kiddies get it.'

Let them go, Joker.

It's me you want.

Merry Christmas, Batman.

Well, go on.

Open it.

Don't do it, Batman!

Easy, Robin.

splash

[Joker laughing]

(Joker) 'Oh, I can't stand it.'

[intense music]

snap

Robin, take care of 'em.

[grunting]

[laughing]

Run, run as fast as you can.

You'll not catch me, I'm the Jokerman.

[yelping]

Merry Christmas, Joker.

Bah humbug.

[instrumental music]

It was nice of Commissioner Gordon

to give you that recording of "It's A Wonderful Life."

And it is a wonderful life.

It...has its moments.

[bell ringing]

[instrumental music]

[indistinct singing]

♪ Fa la la la la la ♪

♪ La la la la ♪♪

[laughter]

Merry Christmas!

[theme music]