Original subtitles

I once read

that love is like an hourglass,

with the heart filling up while the brain empties.

Now, this is my all-time favorite quote...

You ask any of my friends,

and they'll tell you it sums up who I am,

what I suffer from,

and why I'm doomed to never find mature, lasting love.

My name is Amy mandell.

I'm 29 years old, Jewish, Ivy league educated,

and as of very recently, I am a success in my chosen field.

I'm a best-selling author in the booming area of self-help.

You see, I tell women

how to feel complete without men in their lives.

And as you can see, I've become somewhat of a media sensation.

I know... things look great.

I'm pretty, but I have cellulite on my ass,

and it's spreading down to the bottom of my thighs.

Please sign my book. Please sign my book.

I'm famous.

Amy!

Although I could easily be one of those one-hit wonders

who people expect the world from and end up with nothing.

And I'm rich.

I sold my book for, oh, more than I care to admit.

But the problem is, you see, I'm caught in that timeless cliché

where money not only doesn't buy happiness,

it holds up a magnifying glass

whereby you see your deepest emptiness,

so to say I'm rich, and I'm still unhappy.

Oy, now what?

Thank you all for coming. Thank you for coming.

My publicist, Janet, insists that I see her therapist, Danny.

No, no, we're not signing.

But there's nothing he's gonna tell me

that I don't already know.

Amy, listen to me. You're not listening to me.

Fine.

Besides, I'm the one

with the answers to everyone else's problems,

so I decided to take my own shot at self-help.

I started going to confession.

Oh, yes, I know. I'm Jewish. So what?

It's free and pretty anonymous. I like that.

We've actually hit it off...

Me and Richard Chamberlain, junior.

The thought of seducing a celibate man

away from his allegiance to God

has become the fodder

for my naughtiest pornographic fantasies.

Oh!

Yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

Okay. I'll stop now.

I know you're probably getting a little freaked out.

I look normal, but like everyone else on this planet,

I'm misguided, horny,

and ultimately, just a hopeless romantic looking to connect.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Come on.

No, you have to tell us what's going on first.

We just can't wait any longer.

Well...

You had sex. I knew this would happen.

Oh, my God. Now, you have to listen to me, Amy.

You are at the height of your career.

You cannot let a man get in the way

of everything that we've accomplished.

Janet, stop it.

I've only been invited to speak

at the women of the millennium march on Washington this fall.

Ahh!

That's great!

How come I didn't know about this?

I'm your publicist, for Christ's sake.

I never heard about this until right this minute.

How long have you known?

Did you have sex?

Wait. We're not on that.

I'm sorry. I was thrown. I just...

It's okay. It's all right.

Are you using the retin-a

I told you to use for your crow's-feet?

I told you I hate that stuff. It burns, it dries my skin.

It doesn't matter. You looked really shitty on "leno."

You need to use it. Good night.

Good night.

Good night, guys.

Oh, my God, she's a crazy nut.

Did you valet?

No.

Amy, you just sold your book for, like, a million dollars.

What are you doing?

I found a great spot on the street. Why would I valet?

We'll walk you.

Actually, Elizabeth and I wanted some time alone with you.

We really think you need to get back out there.

Why? So I can find someone to walk me to my car?

No, because you're an amazing person,

and we don't want you to be alone.

Yes, I'm alone, but I'm not lonely.

Real loneliness is when you're with someone,

and you're still alone.

There are a lot of great women out there

who aren't in relationships

who can be alone and still be very happy.

Sorry about that. I just tripped on your soapbox.

Don, come on. I don't appreciate that.

Come on. I mean, we're your friends, not your audience.

Listen, I believe what I write in my book, okay?

Women don't need men to feel complete.

The more we accomplish alone,

the more we have to bring into a relationship

when we find the right person.

But you can't just magically find the right person.

People learn about themselves

by being in a lot of relationships.

That's how you know when you've found the right person.

That's right, baby.

All right, listen.

You don't test-drive people.

It's too much wear and tear on the soul.

I'll know when it's right,

and it hasn't been right yet, okay?

Okay. Okay. What about sex? I mean, people do have sex.

Sex is a logical outgrowth of love, okay?

I mean, without love,

it's just... it just... It just...

Oh, somebody needs to get laid.

♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ohh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Be my love ♪

Sometimes, I wouldn't mind

having some strange man break into my room

in the middle of the night and just fuck my brains out.

As long as he was clean, good-looking, and Jewish.

♪ Feel my love ♪

Hey, where you been? It's been, like, weeks.

I've been doing the talk-show circuit.

And?

And I'm a fraud, and I know

it's just a matter of time before I'm discovered.

Why do you think you're a fraud?

Because I have

an entire generation of young women listening to me

when I've never had a successful relationship in my life.

I've never even had good sex...

Well, I've had good sex, but not great sex.

Do you know what I mean?

Uh...

The truth is, I don't even know

what a relationship is, what it means.

And I write about it like I do, so people listen.

I'm just lonely, and I'm so horny.

Talk about lonely and horny.

I think you're the perfect man for me.

That's because you can't have me.

Did you ever read "the Thorn birds"?

Read it? I got the laser disc.

And you're listening to "the Matthew starr show,"

where L.A.'s sexiest women bare their souls and other things.

Your tits are fake, right?

My tits are fake, but you know what, Matthew?

My ass is real.

Janet, how could you have booked me on this guy's show?

I mean, my God. First of all, he's a total pig.

And my tits are real. And I won't show them to him.

So what are we gonna do for half an hour?

That's the question everybody's gonna be asking.

Honey, you have to do Matthew starr's show.

He reaches 250,000 men every single day.

We have to convince people

that you're not a Jewish, Ivy league whiner.

You're a sexy woman.

Forget about Matthew starr right now.

Make sure you sign these.

I want you to sign each one indmdually, all right?

I just... i don't know why I was even invited to do this.

I'm a self-help author, not a freedom fighter.

Here's a list of the committee.

I'm nervous. I don't want to go.

The women of the millennium march will reach

every American woman in need of self-help.

That would basically be...

Every woman in America except me.

Women... looking at themselves, speaking their truths.

That's what this march is all about.

It's amazing how women are always being presented

as using their sexuality to either control or destroy men.

And if not that, then we're using our sexuality to survive

as whores or trophy wives

because we're too stupid to rely upon anything else.

Women... we're such tricky creatures.

I mean, we espouse

sisterhood, emotional maturity, communication.

That's what these meetings are about.

But the truth is, we hate each other.

How'd it go?

Great. They were all really nice.

Oh, please.

They're a bunch of bleeding-cunt feminists, for Christ's sake.

It's all for show.

Oh, you have that Matthew starr interview tomorrow morning,

and next Monday, you have the lecture at ucla.

Oh, I made you an appointment at... this afternoon

to have your eyebrows plucked.

Everyone thinks they need to be shaped.

Who told you that?

Everyone.

At least people are not saying that you're too fat anymore.

And today, to keep my listeners guessing,

we're going to go to higher ground

with best-selling author Amy mandell,

writer of the book "why love doesn't work,"

and I got to tell you,

in my radio booth, love always works.

Oh, hi. I'm Michelle. I'm Matthew's producer.

You're Amy mandell, right?

I recognized you from your book jacket.

Uh, Matthew is on the phone with a girlfriend...

One of the many... Like I'm one to talk.

Wow. You're a lot thinner in person.

Uh, so listen, uh,

why don't you get yourself a cup of coffee or something,

and, uh, he'll be ready for you in a few minutes.

Amy's here...

Mandell... the writer.

Mandell?

She's out getting some coffee.

And we're on this morning

with best-selling author Amy mandell,

writer of the book "why love doesn't work."

So, tell me, Amy,

why doesn't love work for a beautiful girl like you?

Well, you'll have to read my book to find that out.

I did read your book.

And?

Well, I was expecting some closet dyke to walk in here,

but I have to tell the listeners,

this girl has a set of headlights on her

to light up any man's inner darkness...

That's right, L.A...

Amy mandell is one hot piece of ass,

which made me start to think, you know,

I started wondering,

do you really believe

this crap that you write in your book,

that women are actually happier not having sex,

or is that just some calculated lie

to sell books to angry women who can't get laid?

I don't say women are happier without having sex.

I say they're happier without having sex with jerks like you

who reduce us to a pair of tits and ass

as soon as we enter your sight line

and put you in touch with

your... what was it?... Your inner darkness?

You're a high-maintenance piece of ass, but that's okay.

Because you know I'm right.

No, because I know you're very sexy,

and you're one colossal orgasm just waiting to happen.

But, look, let's cut the crap.

Some Ivy league putz screwed you over,

and now you've decided to swear off men

and make a lmng at it to boot... is that right?

Maybe.

But you like me, and you'll probably think about me

when you go home tonight and masturbate.

You're probably right.

It's a shame I could never date you.

And why is that?

Slut, trollop, tramp, whore.

Now you're turning me on.

Those were all words that would describe you

if you were a woman, but you're not.

You're a man, a stud. I don't date studs.

You don't date at all...

Repression, anger, self-hatred, fear,

all wrapped up in a chastity belt of baby fat.

Wait, Amy. Look, I'm sorry if I went too far in there.

It's the nature of the show. I didn't mean to.

Yes, you did.

Okay, only the part about you being sexy.

I thought you were great in there.

Look, I don't usually get guests who are sexy and smart

and who can one-up me like that.

It usually takes three guests.

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourself.

I did...

And so did you.

Come on. I'd like to see you again.

Why?

Because I like you, and I'm attracted to you.

I'm attracted to you, but I don't like you.

I don't understand that.

Read my book. It might enlighten you.

Okay, you quote me any passage from your book,

and if I can guess the chapter it's from,

you give me your phone number.

Okay.

"The primary difference between a man and a woman

"is that a man gets his self-esteem

"when a woman says, 'yes, '

and a woman gets hers when she says, 'no.'"

chapter 12.

I am so tense.

You're kidding me.

This is about the first time you've been touched in how long?

All right, don't start with me right now.

Well, it's really not normal to keep your sexuality so precious.

You haven't been laid, let's see, in about 25 years.

Oh, am I boring you? Are you bored?

Oh, come on, please.

Janet, listen to me... I'm not just gonna have sex to...

I know. I know.

I'm not just gonna have sex to give myself the faulty sense

that I'm experiencing I...

I can't... i can't believe you just did that.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

We love each other. It's natural.

You just had an experience. You grew up in one second.

This is really embarrassing. I'm not gay.

Why not?

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

I think your book is one of the most insightful pieces

of female psychology I've ever read.

How can you know so much at such a young age?

Well, I really don't know that much.

I just write what I've experienced.

But you're a kid.

How could you possibly experience half

of what it would take to make such an arrogant assumption?

You're saying women should jump ship

and not even give love a chance.

You have no right to write a book like this.

It's taken me three marriages to figure this stuff out.

And not even give love a chance...

Oh, so it's my fault that some psychopath tried to kill me?

What do you expect when you tell men that women don't need them?

If I weren't your father, I'd shoot you.

Alan, that's sick!

Honey, Sandy behr read your book three times.

Well, she's a smart gal.

She thinks it's the best book ever written

on contemporary relationships.

And look at all that money you made.

Now all you need is someone to share it with.

Mom, why does there always have to be something missing?

Why do I always have to fall one step short?

Why can't we just be honest with you?

We're your parents. We want to see you happy.

And, honey, what's the point of success

if you don't have someone to share it with that you love?

You think I don't know that?

Well, of course you know that.

It's not like I can just go out there

and miraculously find the right person.

It's not like I have his phone number

and won't give him a call.

I don't have his phone number, and he's not fucking listed!

What did we do wrong?

I didn't do anything wrong.

And we're back with Shannon Steele,

national spokeswoman for saline breast implants.

So, first I had silicone,

but then I decided they were too hard, so I got saline,

and, oh, my God, they are, like, so nice.

Like, I lay down, they spread out.

They don't poke your eye out like a torpedo.

You know, they're great.

I should show 'em to you. You want to see 'em?

They're really... Hello?!

Do you want to see my tits or not?

Matthew?

Want to see my boobs?

What are you thinking about?

Chapter 12.

I don't get it.

Neither do I.

Sex is the logical outgrowth of love.

Without love, it's an empty and needy display of...

The primary difference between a man and a woman

is a man gets his self-esteem when a woman says "yes,"

and a woman gets hers when she says "no."

Hello?

Hi, it's Matthew starr.

What are you doing tonight?

I'm going out.

Oh, do you have a date?

No, I'm going out with some friends.

Oh.

Well, um...

I have two front-row seats

to the brahms chamber group on Tuesday night,

and I have no one that I feel close enough to go with.

Do you actually like classical music,

or is this a ploy based on chapter four?

Uh... well...

You'll just have to come out with me Tuesday night

to find out.

Okay.

Really?

I hope these are free, because everything else...

I met someone.

Really?

We're waiting.

He interviewed me on the radio the other day.

Not Matthew starr.

Please tell me it's not Matthew starr.

You know his reputation.

No.

He's after the real story.

It's the one he's gonna tell

right after she gives him a blow job, and then she's history.

She's paranoid enough about men as it is.

Why can't you just say, "hey, that's great"?

Why should I say that? It's not great.

Amy, that's great! How old is he?

He's 37.

And how many times has he been married?

Never!

Never. Let's see, he's pushing 40.

He's never been married. What do you think that means?

It means he can't commit to a relationship.

You know how paranoid she is about men.

Why can't you just say, "hey, Amy, that's great"?

Like everyone. Everyone. Everyone.

Amy mandell... Feminist icon.

Matthew starr... Fuck-around pig loser.

Loser. Loser.

Loser.

Wow. You know, you got beautiful posture.

Look at me. Look at me.

Wow.

You know, I gotta stop one moment.

I gotta stop because you're a very, very, very,

very beautiful woman, and I'm telling you,

I see a lot of women.

I see a lot of women in the afternoon,

in the morning, at night.

All the time, they come to me.

Oh, my God. Look up a little bit.

That's it. You're beautiful.

I saw you, and I was like...

What are you doing this weekend?

Uh... nothing.

Ah, come on! Como que nothing?

A beautiful woman like you alone on the weekend in the city?

Look at me. Look at me.

She's breaking my concentration. What are you doing?

What are... What is she doing?

You're freaking me out.

I'm not freaking you out! I gotta get the cover!

But with you over there breaking my concentration,

I'm gonna get the middle page, maybe page number 44!

You want a cover? You want a cover?

You go in the back.

She want a cover? You go in the back.

He's such an asshole.

And he really needs a haircut.

I just hope he took a good picture.

Oh, Amy, we have a really important party tomorrow night.

I have plans. I can't go.

What are you doing?

I'm busy. I'm going on a date.

You're kidding me.

Oh, no, don't tell me

it's with that opportunistic Matthew starr.

Come on, you don't even know him.

I don't need to. Men are all the same.

You can dress 'em up a little differently,

but they're all run by the same throbbing, senseless motor,

and I, for one,

will never have another one of those in my mouth again

for as long as I live.

Thank you for sharing that.

♪ I will stop me from feeling ♪

♪ Stop me from feeling ♪

♪ Stop me from feeling the fear of falling in love ♪

♪ Take me from this space ♪

♪ From this awful place ♪

♪ Shake me ♪

♪ I want you to shake me ♪

♪ Till I'm done ♪

♪ I am done ♪

♪ Falling in love ♪

♪ Yeah, falling in line ♪

♪ I am waiting on the staircase ♪

♪ Waiting for my time ♪

♪ Waiting for my time ♪

♪ I am done ♪

♪ What I need is completeness ♪

♪ What I need is neatness ♪

♪ I need a messy kind of make it up ♪

♪ As you go along ♪

♪ I need a silence full of nothing ♪

♪ I need to love without trying ♪

♪ Without trying to be loving ♪

♪ I am done ♪

♪ Falling in love ♪

♪ Yeah, falling in line ♪

♪ I am waiting on the staircase ♪

♪ Waiting for my time ♪

♪ Waiting for my time ♪

♪ I am done ♪

♪ I am done ♪

Hi.

Hi.

Aren't you going to let me in?

Yes. Come on in.

You've done well at 28.

Well, I'll be 29 next month.

Well, still you've... You've done well.

I'm 37. I don't own a house.

Well, it brings up a lot of issues, owning a house.

What do you mean?

I never thought I'd buy a house alone.

A house is something that you share with someone.

That doesn't sound like something you'd write

in your book.

I believe everything that I write.

Okay.

This is my office.

Where all the brilliance happens.

More frustration and mediocrity.

And this is my bedroom.

Where are the brilliance happens.

More frustration and mediocrity.

So what happened with your last boyfriend

that inspired you to write a book about hating men?

My book isn't about hating men.

God, it's about women loving themselves.

So who was he?

It was a long time ago.

I met him when I first moved out here.

He was a writer, pretty well-known, and I was impressed,

but when it came time to share my goals,

he really didn't take me too seriously.

I guess you could say he treated me

more like a little girl than a woman.

Except in bed, of course.

That's where it was okay to be a woman.

So who dumped who?

I hate that word... "Dumped."

Human beings don't dump each other.

We're not garbage. People end relationships.

So I guess he dumped you.

Well, um...

I had a really good time tonight.

Aah!

So what's your disorder?

What do you mean?

The last girl I went out with was alcoholic.

The one before that was bulimic.

Before that, anorexic.

Jesus, what does that say about you?

That I fall for really fucked-up women.

Well, my disorder is

that you will never find out what my disorder is.

That's just guarded and afraid.

Everyone's like that to some degree.

Well, the inability to share my life with somebody.

Too general.

Everyone's afraid to let someone in.

Well, then...

What?

I haven't had sex in four years.

It's such a big deal for me

that having it with the wrong person

could just really devastate me forever,

so I don't have it.

That's my disorder... I never have sex.

I'm a sexorexic.

So what's your disorder?

I already told you.

I always go for really screwed-up women.

That's it?

That's it.

That's all you're gonna give me?

Hmm. I thought I was the guarded one.

Well, I had a really nice time tonight.

Thank you.

Wait, wait, wait. Let me walk you to the door.

That's okay.

Don't kiss me when we get to the door.

I wasn't going to.

All right.

I just don't want it to be all awkward and everything.

Understood.

Okay.

♪ Over the hills and far away... ♪

Well, thanks again.

Good night.

Amy...

Thanks for taking a chance on me.

♪ Get caught in the wind ♪

♪ Lost without reason ♪

♪ I got a heart, and it's drmng me crazy ♪

Good night.

Good night.

♪ I'm never satisfied ♪

♪ I look at you, and I see my reflection ♪

♪ In the way that you run ♪

♪ And the things that you hide ♪

♪ Baby, come back with just one kiss ♪

I suck.

♪ Little darling, don't make up your mind ♪

♪ Little darling, we've got so... ♪

Hello?

Listen, Jerry hegeman wants to do an interview

with you tomorrow.

Are you serious?

I had to tell you, but you know what I think.

Yes, Janet, I know what you think.

He's so pompous, he's so conservative,

and I'm telling you, this is too dangerous.

I don't want you to do it. I want you to forget it.

Book it.

Amy! Come o...

Amy? Amy! Amy!

Janet, I've made my decision.

And what's the decision?

Oh.

Hi.

So...

Why don't you come over on Friday,

and I'll take you out to dinner?

Um... well, I'm still waiting for you to disclose

your disorder to me.

Yeah, and I'm still waiting for a good-night kiss.

I'll call you later on in the week and give you directions.

Well, wait, I didn't say that I was...

And we're continuing with "kiss and tell"

on "the Matthew starr show."

Last week, I went toe to toe...

Or should I say "tit for tat"... With one of my guests.

She agreed to go out with me,

but on this version of "kiss and tell,"

there was no good-night kiss.

I'm talking about that hot little writer of "why love"...

...doesn't work."

Would you look at those fucking tits, huh?

Nice to be here.

Thank you for coming.

Tell me...

How do you reconcile your heightened views of romance

with your base view of sexuality?

Well, I think that at heart,

every woman is the classic virgin whore,

which is why we find women are much more complex than men.

Where men are basically all whore,

women are fighting this constant bipolarization

that keeps them, at once, more thoughtful

but also more neurotic, insecure, and emotional.

That's my girl.

It boils down to this, Jerry... We all want hot, nasty sex.

Oh.

Not just men. Women want that, too.

It's the context of that sex

that separates us from each other,

that makes us different creatures.

For example...

I met his guy last night at a party,

and we went back to his place

and had the most unbelievable sex.

I don't even know his name!

You whore.

But for a man, you never hear a man say, "I had bad sex."

I met this girl last night at a party... gorgeous girl...

And we went back to my place and had unbelievable sex,

but the best part is I don't even know her name.

Man, that's fantastic, dude.

You're a go-getter.

For a man, any type of sex is good,

even if it's with some girl that they despise.

Well, why is that?

Because the part of sex that's linked to man's self-esteem

is the act of conquest.

That's how he's been brought up since he was a child,

but for a woman, it's whole different thing.

For a woman, sex is healthy

only when the man falls in love with her afterwards.

I think you're a lesbian.

All of this work, all of these things,

moving towards understanding men and women better,

maybe all of that

is just you avoiding...

Your own uncomfortable... Sexuality.

Jerry, I don't think I'm a lesbian,

because when I fantasize, I fantasize about sucking dick.

I like her.

I can't believe that you said "sucking dicks" on the air.

What were you thinking?

No wonder somebody tried to shoot you!

Oh, please.

Amy, this is not the image of you we're trying to create.

I'm not trying to create an image, Janet.

I'm trying to be honest with the public.

While you're being honest with the public,

you're trashing my reputation.

Miss mandell?

You know what? It's always about you.

I feel like it's just always about you!

This is so ridiculous.

How dare you? Don't you insult me!

Do you have any idea how much I do for you?!

Do you know how many people hate you?

And what are the critics saying?

They're saying "pubescent whining,"

and one of them says you're bottom-heavy.

Nope, I never told you because I protect you.

I protect you and your precious, precious ego.

My ego.

All you care about is yourself.

Well, fine, if you feel that way,

then you get yourself another publicist.

This has nothing to do with this interview!

It's about what happened the other day!

What?

Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about.

What are you talking... The other day when I kissed you?

Oh, you're kidding. Honey, I just did that for you.

I can get any woman that I want.

Can I watch?

Oh, fuck off.

I don't even think you want me.

You did it to control me, to embarrass me.

Can we not be so self-involved?

But it's true. You know I'm not gay.

But did you even consider my feelings for one instant?

No, all you feel is some bizarre rejection

at not getting something that you didn't even want.

It must be really nice to have all the answers to life

while you're really busy not lmng it.

Good luck, sweetheart.

Laney, I need that bio!

Do you have a problem?

No, but half our callers will

when they find out you're dating Amy mandell.

You like it?

Oh, God, they're amazing. You are so talented.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, when are you gonna come with me on my boat?

I'm seeing someone.

♪ There's a big sky over my head tonight... ♪

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

Because you find one guy. He's good to you.

You know, he's happy, you're happy, I'm happy.

It's okay.

But if this guy, one time, he's not good to you,

you come to me.

♪ Somewhere to run out and lose my breath ♪

♪ And feel a sweat ♪

♪ Against the thunder ♪

♪ Oh, the thunder of your heart pounding against me ♪

♪ Lift ♪

♪ Me up to your big sky ♪

Wow.

This is great.

Let me show you the rest of the place.

And this is my bedroom.

It's a great bed.

Hard as a rock.

Frustration and mediocrity?

No, more brilliance.

Come on.

I think you need a drink.

A Martini would be great.

Ohh...

Cheers.

Cheers.

I think you're going to have to kiss me later.

So tell me about your family.

What do you want to know?

Are you close?

Close... um...

My father and I talk.

And what about your mother?

We don't speak.

And just because I have a shitty relationship with my mother

doesn't mean I hate women.

I didn't say it did.

But, you know, your mom's never gonna change.

You're the one who has to reach out

and make the effort to change things.

Look, I know this sounds horrible, but the way I see it,

you don't choose your family.

You're stuck with them.

You choose your friends, your lovers.

It's God's second chance of letting you fix everything

that was fucked up in your childhood.

Yeah, but your lovers are just an extension of your parents,

and if you don't heal your rift with your mom,

you're gonna replay the same drama with all your girlfriends.

This is a date.

It's not therapy.

Is there a difference?

Thanks.

Well, I should... I should go home now.

Okay, I'll walk you to your car.

Don't worry. I won't try and kiss you.

Well, actually, I'd like to come in.

Okay.

I'm glad you like to drink.

Oh, I like to drink, I like to eat...

Yeah.

But no sex, huh?

Well... only with the right person.

I think I'm as paranoid about marriage as you are of sex.

I'm not paranoid about sex.

I just think it's important.

They say for a man, marriage is the death of desire,

and that for a women, sex is the end of romance,

which is why friendship is so desirable.

God, here I go. I'm writing my next book.

I'm sorry.

You're very cute.

I'm really scared to kiss you.

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ In your arms I'm longing to be ♪

♪ Longing to be ♪

♪ Mmm, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Tell me you love me ♪

♪ Tell me you love me ♪

♪ Kiss me once while the stars shine above me ♪

♪ Shine above me ♪

♪ Hey, hey, Louis ♪

♪ Hey, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ Oh, Louis ♪

♪ In your arms I am longing to be ♪

♪ Longing to be ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ Tell me you love me ♪

♪ Tell me you love me ♪

♪ Hey, Louis ♪

♪ Hey, Louis ♪

♪ Hey, Joe, come here, boy ♪

♪ Wail, Louis ♪

♪ Wail, Louis, wail, Louis ♪

♪ Wail, Louis, wail, Louis wail, Louis, wail, Louis ♪

♪ Wail, Louis, wail, Louis ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

Oh!

Whoo!

Are you okay?

Y-yeah.

Wow.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

Don't think.

Just pretend you're one of those sluts in a porn film.

Fuck his brains out.

Fuck his brains... Fuck his brains out

give him a blow job.

But don't have sex with him. Just give him a blow job.

Okay.

I wonder if it would be selfish

if I just had him go down on me.

♪ Wail, Louis ♪

♪ Keep all your vanity ♪

Ow.

I haven't had sex in such a long time.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Mmm.

Ahh...

♪ I've got you ♪

♪ Under my skin ♪

♪ I've got you ♪

♪ Deep in the heart of me ♪

♪ So deep in my heart ♪

What happened?

I had sex last night.

Let me guess...

That guy that you wouldn't even let kiss you good night.

Yeah.

Did you use protection?

That's a long story, but let me tell you,

we didn't have intercourse, so that was not a problem.

Well, then, you you didn't really have sex.

Oral sex. Trust me, that's sex.

I mean, for a woman, I think it's the best sex.

Not that I can speak for all women,

but it's a fact that the clitoris is the female penis,

which makes sense that oral sex for a woman is intercourse.

Could you just keep it down a notch?

Anyway, I've been crying all day long.

I am so afraid.

What are you afraid of?

That he'll lose interest now that he has me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just 'cause he kinda had sex doesn't mean he has you.

Yes, it does. The power has shifted.

Men are constantly on their best behavior while in pursuit,

but once they get what they want, the struggle is over.

They move on.

You want to know something? No, no, no.

Assholes move on, okay? Can I just say that?

You know who moves on? Assholes move on, okay?

And if this guy's an asshole...

And I guess we haven't figured out if he is an asshole...

But if he is an asshole, then you know something?

You are way better off without him.

How many times did I just say "asshole"?

It doesn't take much for any guy to know

he's supposed to call the day after, okay?

Maybe he's waiting for me to call.

If he is, that's bullshit, because he's a guy.

He knows he's supposed to call.

Why are you making her more upset?

It's only 7:00. He'll call.

I know, I know. I know he's gonna call.

I'm just saying I would always call a girl after a date.

I'd do it in a cute way so it wasn't awkward.

I'd call the girl and say, "hey, is two hours too soon

"to say that I had a great time?

I'd like to do it again." It was cute.

You never did that with me.

Sure, I did.

No, you didn't.

I did.

No, you didn't.

Of course I... Let's not do this now, okay?

I mean, this is Amy's time.

She opened up to someone tonight,

and that is a very big step for her, right?

You have no messages.

Oh, I should have turned off the light.

I should have known as soon as he got a look at my ass,

it would be a deal breaker.

Oh, God, that's so fucked up.

If my ass is a deal breaker, then he's not for me.

Fuck him and his passive games.

I hate men.

Ah! Amy mandell, I can't believe you came to my party!

Everyone? Everyone, this is Amy mandell,

the writer of "why love doesn't work."

Oh, you have lost weight!

It's cherry Goldstein from dartmouth.

How are you?

I love your book... "Why love doesn't work."

"Why love doesn't work"! "Why love doesn't work"!

I read your book three times.

I love that chapter on...

It doesn't take much for any guy to know

he's supposed to call the day after,

and if not, I'm sorry, he's a schmuck.

Maybe he's waiting for me to call.

That's horse shit!

I gotta make a call. I'll be right back.

All right.

Hello?

Hello?

Amy.

Hi.

I've been thinking about you all day.

Did you get my e-mail?

I couldn't wait to see you.

Power... the single woman in the '90s,

women who have achieved without being in a couple

and are still seen as sexy and desirable.

I mean, what is more current than that?

Since this is your area of expertise, Amy,

what are your thoughts?

Mmm! Mmm!

Uh, Amy?

Amy...

Amy...

Amy...

Amy...

Amy?

What are your thoughts on the subject?

It was already happening.

A few orgasms, and I was losing brain cells by the second.

Amy mandell?

Michael Hendricks from the L.A. times.

I still can't get your book out of my head.

I read passages to my daughter all the time.

She just loves it.

Oh, well, your review was really helpful.

Whatever I can do.

Oh!

I'm just a member of the frustrated book-reading public.

When I find a pearl amidst the swine, I champion it.

Thank you. Thank you.

It's good to see you.

Sure, you bet.

Good bye.

♪ Whoo Whoo ♪

♪ Whoo Whoo ♪

♪ Riding on the train de Amor ♪

♪ Whoo Whoo ♪

♪ Whoo Whoo ♪

♪ riding on the train de Amor ♪

♪ let's get together ♪

Excuse me, didn't I see you on a talk show?

You wrote that book?

Yeah.

Honey, she wrote that book I was telling you about,

the one that says relationships can't survive

in today's society.

You wrote that book?

Well, you might as well put poison on the shelves,

because that's what you're spreading... poison.

We have a very happy relationship.

But I bet you think it won't last.

Oh, of course she doesn't think it's gonna last.

You know what? Do me a favor.

Just because you can't find a lasting relationship,

don't doom the rest of us, okay?

And earlier today, Amy mandell, flavor of the minute,

and author of that pop-psychology phenomenon...

Oh, God.

I am so embarrassed.

Now, these people witnessed it.

Can you tell us what happened?

Uh, well, I just told her that I hated her book,

and she just blacked out.

Baby, you didn't even read the book.

He makes me do all the reading.

I do not.

Yes, you do!

And when do I even have time to read?

I'm too busy supporting you and your prescription-drug habits!

You just said that on the news, you cock sucker!

Because of this, your sales are gonna double on the book.

You sound like Janet.

Amy's place.

Yeah, hold on.

It's for you.

Hello?

Hi, it's Matthew.

Are you free Friday night?

Yeah.

I told my brother a lot about you,

and he really wants to meet you.

Great, I'll be there.

Bye.

So, when am I gonna meet him?

When I'm secure enough to put him to the test

of another man's opinion.

Oh, that's pathetic.

I know.

Mmm.

You smell good.

This is for you.

Thank you.

Please, come on in.

Hi, you must be Amy. I'm Tina.

Hi.

This is Mike.

Hello.

Um, I'm gonna go check on the pasta.

So, Matthew gave me your book to read.

Did you like it?

Not really. Butter?

I liked it.

What didn't you like?

Well, it's sort of hypocritical.

Mike, please, she doesn't need...

It's okay. It's okay.

What do you mean hypocritical?

You're dating my brother, of all people.

That kind of makes it hard to take anything you say seriously.

Just ignore him.

Well, I think your brother's a great guy.

How well do you know him?

A lot better than you in a much shorter time.

Well, when you make it to the 4-month mark, let me know.

I'll get you a free suite at Caesars Palace.

I used to bartend there.

Yeah, that's his big claim to fame.

Hey, Amy, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

The putz on the radio,

the alter ego who loves fake tits and dumb sluts,

that's the real Matthew starr, always has been.

What do you think of that?

Mike...

Stop being a jerk.

I guess Matt should be congratulated.

Most of the girls he asks us to have dinner with

can't even read, let alone write.

Excuse me.

I can't help it. He hurt my feelings.

Look, I know my brother's a jerk.

I just... i thought it would better for you to meet him

sooner rather than later, just get it over with.

That's a painful subject for you, isn't it?

Yeah, I guess it is.

My whole family's screwed up.

I'm the normal one, if you can believe that.

I can believe it.

I think you turned out pretty great.

Thank you.

I love you, Matthew.

I know.

Just 'cause he didn't say it doesn't mean he doesn't.

No, I said it too soon. I fucked up.

You said it when you felt like saying it.

Would you stop second-guessing yourself?

Oy.

I can't take this anymore.

You are bright. You're honest.

You're pretty.

Maybe you're just with a big fucking pussy who can't commit.

Big fucking news.

How many times have you slept with this guy?

I don't even need to know.

And all this time, he can't even say "I love you"?

I got news for you.

Two words... "Intimacy problem"!

If you couldn't have sex with this guy,

would you even be with him?

Well, obviously, you haven't read my book.

It's a yes-or-no question.

I'm ready.

I just want to see if they can make this field goal.

...left on the clock, trailing by three...

Why'd you do that?

Well, that's a... that's a very clingy dress.

What, does it make me look fat?

No, no, no, you look great.

It's just, you know,

why are you trying to attract the attention of other men?

Because maybe you don't make me feel sexy.

Maybe I do need other men to look at me

because you don't, don.

If we were stying home tonight,

you wouldn't even notice my dress.

Okay, can we start over?

Can we... I'm sorry.

I'm... I'm sorry. Come here.

Come here. Come here.

How could I not notice you?

How could I not notice this dress?

You look beautiful.

Yeah?

Mm-hmm. Come here.

Can you do me a favor?

What?

Please go change.

I love your show. I listen to it all the time.

Thank you.

No, really, every morning on my way to work.

So, it must be exciting

interviewing all those centerfolds all the time.

It used to be.

Now they all seem sort of boring after I interviewed Amy.

That was such a great show.

I really think that was your best show.

You know, honey, you hardly ever listen to the show,

so, um, how would you really know?

You know, I-i need to get some fresh air.

I'm sorry. She's been so sensitive lately.

Well, don, you were just a total asshole.

I'll be right back.

I'm just gonna make sure she's okay.

You know, I think it's always important

to show your very worst side

when meeting someone for the first time.

Don't worry about it.

You know, uh...

Amy likes you.

I know.

No, no, I mean...

You know, she really likes you.

Trust me, the feeling's mutual.

She makes me feel...

She makes me feel.

I look at Amy and Matthew, and I see what we once had,

and it's gone.

Honey, nothing is gone. What they have is new love.

By definition, it is what it is because it's new,

and how can it be new when it's,

you know, it's old?

How's the speech coming? I'm blocked.

She's spending all her time with that schmuck twice her age.

He's not twice my age, daddy.

Besides, how am I ever gonna write about love

if I don't experience it?

You wrote about it before without experiencing it.

That's not true.

I had a brief, very passionate affair

that ignited the first book.

It was a one-night stand. Don't be so melodramatic.

It wasn't a one-night stand. It was one long weekend.

I don't know why I'm so honest with you.

All you ever do is throw it right back in my face.

Nobody's throwing anything back in your face.

We're your parents. We owe it to you to be honest.

Not if honesty is mean and hurtful

and causes your children to build so many fucking walls

they can't experience adult life.

Amy...

Alan!

What did I do?

She's emotional, just like you.

I hope you don't mind. I'm trying to be more impulsive.

If I knew you were coming over,

I wouldn't have just jacked off.

You want a beer or something?

Uh...

No thanks.

Do you Jack off a lot?

What's a lot?

I don't know. Do you do it every day?

Yeah, I do it a lot.

God, that makes me feel like I don't satisfy you.

Of course you satisfy me. It has nothing to do with you.

I'm crazy about you.

Yeah, but, I-i-i don't...

I don't do it anymore 'cause I have you.

I can't stop thinking about it.

I just can't get these images out of my head,

these images of three blond girls with strap-on dildos

on some beach in Hawaii.

That's what I keep seeing,

and when I masturbate, I only think of him.

Hello?

He's gonna cheat on me. He's gonna leave me.

I'll never be able to fulfill

his most primal sexual fantasies.

I can't be the college girl,

the redhead with monstrous tits and natural crimson pubic hair,

the blond model... higher than my I.Q.

He'll get sick of me and my complex emotional needs.

He won't be able to get hard, and he'll hate me for it.

God, I wish I never met him.

So you feel that in a relationship,

a sexually satisfied man will abstain from masturbation?

Yes.

Clearly, you have some detractors.

Uh, what do you say we open up the room to some questions?

Sure.

Yes, sir?

I've been happily married for 23 years,

and I masturbate regularly.

I've never had an affair, but if I didn't have

a mental-fantasy outlet, my marriage would die.

You're holding men up to an impossible and dangerous ideal.

Why dangerous?

Because you're putting a value judgment on masturbation.

You're saying it fills a void when actually,

it adds to a healthy sex life.

Sexual fascist!

I just have my opinions, like anybody else.

If we have to rely on fantasy while in the presence

of another human being, then something's wrong.

Thank you.

Is masturbating in front of your partner all right?

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Well, something's wrong.

Nothing's... wrong.

I just... i resent what you did yesterday.

That was so clearly personal.

My friends were watching that.

Matthew, this is the stuff I write about.

Our private life is no one's business.

You can find someone else to be your Guinea pig.

Matthew, I'm sorry.

But this is how I work my problems out.

It's the only way I know.

I write about it. I talk about it.

I dissect it. I obsess over it.

At least I deal with it.

I deal with it.

Airing it in front of a room full of strangers

is not dealing with it!

Well, at least I don't come on to porno stars on the radio.

At least I know it's for show.

You actually take yourself seriously.

Matthew.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Caroline.

Amy.

You look good, Matt.

You never tell me about your past.

You never tell me what painful things have happened to you

to put you close to 40 years old

and still unable to share your life with anyone.

What do you want to know?

Anything.

Tell me about your past relationships.

Tell me about the other girls you've been with.

Well, I guess I should get back in line before I lose my place.

It was good to meet you, Amy.

Bye, ttam.

Ttam?

"Matt" spelled backwards.

Who was she?

Look, can we just go see the movie?

No, I'm not in the mood to see the movie.

Who was she?

An old girlfriend, but you knew that.

Did she dump you?

I don't know. I don't remember.

Matthew, why won't you open up about this stuff to me?

Last time I opened up to you,

you talked about it on television.

This is a woman you were involved with.

It's important.

No, it's not.

She meant nothing to me then. She means less to me now.

Well, then why were you with her?

I don't know.

We had things in common. We had fun.

We had great sex.

She's really thin. I really like that about her.

She's tall and lean and thin. You're fat.

You got a big fat Jewish ass.

It was a long time ago.

You're what's important, okay? You.

Nothing else matters.

That's in the past, and that's why it's in the past.

Amy...

What?

If a really gorgeous woman...

I mean, the most physically beautiful woman imaginable...

Pursued you on a business trip, what would you do?

That would never happen to me.

What do you mean that would never happen to you?

Things like this are scenarios thought up by insecure women

in order to get the men who love them... me...

Into trouble by saying the wrong thing,

when in fact, it's just a hypothetical situation.

Why do you always do that?

Why can't you just say,

"I love you, and no woman could ever tempt me"?

Why can't you let me say it own my own

without having to pull it out of me?

I'm not always gonna say what you want me to say

whenever you want me to say it.

I do love you, and no woman could ever tempt me,

and if you don't know that without me having to say it...

Okay.

Hmm?

Okay.

Now I'll give you a blow job.

That's worth waking up for.

I-I have a stomachache.

I'm so horny right now.

I just don't feel good, Amy, okay?

Come on.

Look, look, try to understand, okay,

that when we talk about my past girlfriends

and failed relationships and you grill me over a spit,

it takes away my sex drive.

Okay.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

I'm trying to communicate with you,

and you just roll over, and you distance me.

It's been three months,

and I'm telling you, there's no depth.

Every time I try to get inside of him, he puts up a wall,

and I end up feeling guilty.

Seems like he's stimulating your mind a lot less

than he's stimulating your... What'd you call it?

Female penis.

Well, I have a unique talent

for being uniquely untalented at love.

You have a unique talent for having bad taste in men.

You know, I don't think we should do this anymore.

You're so negative lately. It's weird.

I'm trying so hard to make this work,

and I feel like I come in here and you've just been...

Forget it.

You know, it's just not working out anymore.

Are you dumping me?

Hi.

Hi.

And how are you?

I'm great.

How are things going with him?

Matthew?

Yeah.

T-they're good.

Love sucks, doesn't it?

I miss you.

You're just nervous about the women's march.

Why do you have to do that? Why did you do that?

Why can't you just say, "Amy, I miss you, too."

Because you don't get to write all the parts.

No, you do.

I don't even know why I came here.

All right. All right, I...

I-I have to get that.

Yeah?

I told you to get back to me last week.

Alison's not available. Yeah, I...

But I... but I could maybe get you Amy mandell.

All right, well, then I'll back to you.

I'll do it.

Yes, I think maybe I could. I could make that work out.

Yeah, I'll call you.

Okay, you're going on the radio tomorrow.

And I miss you.

You're such a pain in the ass.

Love. What is it?

It's what we feel for children.

It's what we feel for our parents.

It's what we feel for our puppies.

But for men and women? No.

It's just sex dressed up as love so that we can give ourselves

some sort of meaning in our empty and wounded lives.

Folks, it's what we feel for our puppies.

I'm sorry, you gotta love this woman.

San Diego, what's on your mind?

I got news for you, Ms. mandell.

No one gives a shit about what you have to say.

You're just a big hypocrite, a big fraud.

You probably don't believe your own lies.

You know what? You're probably right.

If you're dating that misogynistic pig Matthew starr,

all you must really want is a big dick and a good fuck!

We need to evacuate the building immediately.

There's been a bomb threat.

What?

Everybody out! Now!

Got a paramedic?

I'm sorry.

Why?

I'm sorry for being such a controlling bitch.

Oh, honey.

Oh, my God, we've been worried sick about you.

Your mother thinks it's time

to stop doing the interview circuit.

Are these insane ideas worth risking your life for?

The bomb squad is here, for God's sake!

What would your father and I do

if something happened to you?

Hi. I'm Matthew.

Oh. Huh.

Well, can't you talk some sense into her, then,

get her to stop doing these stupid interviews?

How the hell you think she met him in the first place?

My parents are nuts.

They're cute.

But maybe...

Maybe they're right.

Maybe you should stop doing these interviews.

What do you mean?

You don't even believe half the stuff you're saying anymore.

I embarrass you, don't I?

No, the only thing that embarrasses me

is that I love a woman

who tells the world that love doesn't work.

Oh, honey, you need your sleep.

All that violence made me horny.

Yeah, but, Amy, I'm worried about you.

I'm not gonna suppress my voice

because some psychopath with a small dick doesn't like me.

What if it's a woman?

Why do you always have to take the other side?

To keep you on your toes.

Look, this lunatic, he or she,

is not gonna ruin the rest of our night.

Okay?

No, no, no.

I'm exhausted, okay?

I need to sleep.

Good night.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Actually, there is something wrong.

Talk to me.

I don't think you're attracted to me anymore.

Amy, come on, that's insane.

So why don't you want to make love as much as we used to?

What are you talking about? We have sex all the time.

I remind you of your mother, don't I?

Oh, my God.

I'm controlling, and you are getting tired of me.

You know, I feel like a goddamn laboratory animal

under your microscope.

Why can't you just accept the fact

that we have a great relationship

and everything is actually okay?

Why does everything have to be about you?

It's not working out.

What are you doing?

It's not working out.

It's never gonna work out.

I belong alone. Isn't that what I preach?

I don't need you rejecting me and putting down my work

and making me feel like shit.

For what, regular orgasms?

I can eat a pint of ice cream

and watch a different porn film every night.

Maybe you should go to therapy.

Oh, fuck off.

I ignored my own advice, and I'm paying for it.

I have no idea how old this is,

but go ahead, knock yourself out.

Thanks. You look great.

As opposed to what?

You always look great.

It's just that you look so much...

Younger, thinner.

So now you want me? Well, it's too late.

I met someone.

Is she gay?

Fuck you.

Janet gaines.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

Oh, what time is it?

Oh, yeah, I was gonna leave in about 20 minutes.

Yeah, Amy mandell stopped by. Just business.

Yeah, me too.

I know.

Later?

Okay.

All right, doll. Love you.

Bye.

Isn't she great?

How do you know?

How do you know if it's gonna last?

Oh, Amy. No guarantees upfront.

But you know, that's the good thing about being a smart woman.

You can tell the good ones from the bad ones.

I don't think I'm that smart.

I think you're right. You're probably not very bright.

And you're extremely fat.

Oh, I'm such an asshole.

And exhausting.

But how do I know, Janet?

You just take your best guess, and you go with it.

And don't you dare say "I told you so"

when I call you six months from now

and tell you that she's pregnant and lmng in Westchester.

You know what? There is no right or wrong.

You had needs, and they weren't being met, right?

It's important for a woman to feel understood.

Okay? Desired.

You have to be with someone who bolsters your self-esteem.

Well, it's important for a man, too.

It's more important for a woman.

Women are very vulnerable in today's society.

Well, I couldn't disagree with you more.

Of course you couldn't.

Will you please stop it? I know you love each other.

Why do you always have to prove me right

about my nasty, bullshit theories about relationships?

I need an example. Give me a good example.

Look how cute she is. Should we give her an example?

I think we should give her an example.

You have no messages.

You have no messages.

No messages.

No messages.

You have no messages!

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

You have one message.

Hi, Amy. It's Amy.

Thanks a lot for putting me back at square one.

That's right... You belong alone.

Who needs a flesh-and-blood, fallible human being

to complicate your life further?

Why is there a section in every bookstore

on women understanding men understanding women

understanding bullshit?

"I know shit... Amy mandell."

Anyway, men have it the best. They don't have to be in love.

They can bide their time waiting for love

by fucking around and orgasming their way into oblmon

until miss right shows up.

But women? Look at us.

We're trying to beat a clock of impending cellulite and despair

all the while hoping that that great guy we just blew

doesn't turn out to be a schmuck.

I mean, face it... an orgasm lasts a split second,

but heartbreak lasts a lifetime.

Oh, my God. I am losing my mind.

I do need to go to therapy. I need to talk to someone.

I need to read my own book.

God, I promise I'll go back to synagogue

if you just give me a sign.

Amy mandell?

Of course, you don't recognize me.

Uh, all right, let me give you a hint.

You once said you thought I was the perfect man for you.

Father?!

Yeah! Well, no, no, no.

I got canned.

Oh, what happened?

Oh...

Some asshole from the archdiocese

came to visit the parish.

He was eavesdropping on one of our sessions.

I think it was the one

about the clitoris being the female penis.

Actually, you know what it was?

It was the three blond chicks with the dildos.

That pushed him over the edge. That's what they get off on.

I am so sorry.

No, no, no, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I had a little time on my hands.

I read your book, and can I confess something to you?

The girl who's preaching in that book isn't half the woman

who came into my booth and was searching for her own answers.

I think you gotta let it go. Just let it go.

You just gotta pretend you're in the booth talking to me.

You're gonna be surprised how many people you reach.

We're back live with the millennium march.

Our next speaker, the youngest speaker here,

has given young women a whole new way

of approaching relationships and themselves.

She says we don't need men to be complete.

We need ourselves.

Let's give a warm welcome to Amy mandell!

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Well, it's such an honor to be here,

especially with so many of the women

I have admired my entire life.

Um...

When I first started writing my speech,

I realized it wasn't anything different

than you've already read in my book.

So I thought,

"well, what can I say that they haven't already heard?"

And I realized it was simple.

I wanted to tell everyone that...

I'm a liar.

I mean, I definitely believe

everything that I write in my book,

but the truth is, I had no experience of love...

Real love.

And sex?

Well, I didn't even have sex until I was 26 years old,

and it was in the context of a one-month relationship,

and I never even had an orgasm.

Oh, God.

This kid just can't get out of her own way.

Well, I had a physical orgasm, but not a mental one,

where you let someone inside and you really see yourself.

That's the elusive orgasm we're all really seeking.

Well, a few months ago, I met a man.

And I really think I'm in love with him.

And the only thing that's getting in the way of it

is my stupid idea that love doesn't work

and that any sort of compromise means a death of self,

instead of the opposite, finding a new self,

one that can admit it needs love to feel alive.

I need love...

Like water...

Like food.

I need it to survive as a healthy person

instead of some martyr who thinks self-starvation

is some chic political idea

because I have nothing else to stand for.

Love does work.

And women need men to feel complete.

That's what makes women so much smarter than men

in the first place.

We still love you, Amy!

My name is Amy mandell.

I'm 29 years old, Jewish, and single.

My name is Amy mandell.

I'm 35 years old, Jewish, and single.

My name is Amy mandell.

I'm 40 years old...

Jewish...

And alone and lonely.

Hi.

Hi.

I liked your speech.

Oh, you heard it?

How you doing?

I'm good.

I'm busy, but I'm good. I'm good.

Mmm.

Well, I'd like to take you out to dinner sometime

if you're not too busy.

But... you seem pretty busy.

Yeah.

No.

To be honest with you,

I spend most of my time lying in bed

remembering what it was like to be with you

and how much I miss that.

That keeps me really busy.

You haven't changed.

No.

But I'm ready to.

I'm really ready.

So am I.

Thank you all for coming.

Thank you.

Actually, I don't think people change.

They emerge. I read that in a book.

I didn't write it, unfortunately,

but I think it's true.

In retrospect, people think they've changed,

but they really haven't.

Not that I'm not changing. I am, I re...

♪ I want to thank you for making me look inside myself ♪

♪ The colors of my soul ♪

♪ Are bleeding into black and shades of gold ♪

♪ Well, I can hide from the thoughts that creep ♪

♪ That creep into my daily life ♪

♪ And I'm not asking for you ♪

♪ To share in this ♪

♪ Well, I don't need for you to bear ♪

♪ Any unnecessary risk ♪

♪ So I pray for ♪

♪ For maybe one day ♪

♪ I'll break down those walls ♪

♪ I built around me ♪

♪ I pray ♪

♪ Then I pray ♪

♪ And so I pray for ♪

♪ For maybe one day ♪

♪ I'll break down those walls ♪

♪ I built around me ♪

♪ I pray ♪

♪ And I pray ♪

♪ And the answer ♪

♪ Lord knows I'm never satisfied ♪

♪ And I look at you, and I see my reflection ♪

♪ In the way that you run ♪

♪ And the things that you hide ♪

♪ Baby, come back with just one kiss ♪

♪ Little darling, don't make up your mind ♪

♪ Little darling, well, we've got so much time ♪

♪ Little darling ♪

♪ There's coals on this fire ♪

♪ And I know that we will love again ♪

♪ In the wind, there's no voice of return ♪

♪ No words of love that I could discern ♪

♪ In this city, I feel so alone ♪

♪ Though I'm surrounded by so many I know ♪

♪ I've got a boyfriend, and he's drmng me crazy ♪

♪ Lord knows he's never satisfied ♪

♪ And I look at him, and I see his reflection ♪

♪ In the way that I run ♪

♪ And the things that I hide ♪

♪ I must confess ♪

♪ That I need your kiss ♪

♪ Little darling, don't make up your mind ♪

♪ Little darling, well, we've got so much time ♪

♪ Little darling ♪

♪ There's coals on this fire ♪

♪ And I know ♪

♪ Little darling ♪

♪ There's coals on this fire ♪

♪ And I know that we will love again ♪