Original subtitles

Let's begin!

Music!

I'm speechless.

Where's he going?

Is he going to the toilet?

He always says, "I'm speechless"!

Damn, it's not raining.

Why do you want it to rain?

I need to test this new wig.

One of your chemist uncle's ideas?

Yes, he's an expert in materials, I deal with design.

Since by law they have to be tested, I do the testing as well.

But if it works, who'll finance you?

A Swedish company.

IKEA! They'll do it chipboard.

I was already bald by the age of 20,

if there'd been wigs like this then,

my story as a singer would've turned out differently.

Tomato, Wednesday, be on time for the rehearsal.

You too, Addams Family!

I can't, I've got five-a-side game.

Today's my 10th wedding anniversary and I still came!

Congratulations! Ten years already!

You left a wife like that at home

to come and muck about on stage?

She knows she married an artist.

Artist, yeah, and cuckold.

The cuckolds are the ones that play 5-a-side.

Dad, can we have spaghetti tonight?

Altamante, a bit of self-control!

You've got talent, believe me.

Do you want to try for the talent show on TV?

Okay, a couple of crackers, then.

Wholemeal.

Love?

"Follow the candles,

blow them out, clean the floor,

and if you can, find me, artist!"

A treasure hunt!

She's arranged a treasure hunt.

OPEN!

Go to where Uncle Rino stopped the car.

Miranda invented the treasure hunt

for special occasions.

One for my 40th,

one to tell me we'd won 2,200 euros on the Lottery

and one to tell me Uncle Rino had stopped our car

on the level crossing.

He left the car there

and the 9:00 pm Intercity caught it full on.

If you haven't been hit by the train,

go where Giacinta saw the light.

Giacinta was looking after the pigs

and one night she saw a light that nearly blinded her.

Rather, it did blind her, it took four diopters off her sight,

she took it as a sign from God and became a nun.

Later we found out it was a laser beam

from the Xeno disco.

Ironically, the convent where she lives

is 200 metres from another disco.

Be quiet.

"You're nearly there, now put your head where Achille sleeps."

No!

Achille was a really fierce dog, he even bit himself.

But nobody could understand why he almost went into a trance

when he heard Lucio Dalla's songs.

"I'm waiting for you where we had our first kiss."

Mariano.

Here's to us.

That's my wife!

Come on, ladies, special offer on bin bags today!

Forty for 3.00 euros.

I'll even give you some garbage.

Guys, come to Giustina,

designer clothes, all the names, even the bills are genuine!

Come on, poetry for everyone!

Seize the shoes, best shoes in town!

It's easy to get the wrong shoes.

Whatever you want, I've got it!

Yesterday I made a fruit salad that won me an Oscar!

Thank you.

Instead, with that Madagascar papaya you gave me, I won the runs.

Obviously, it's for delicate tummies.

Are you from Madagascar? You ever been out the Tiber Valley?

What do you mean? The ass knows no boundaries.

Prince Zampaglione, your crown has slipped.

Don't bend down to pick it up for me.

Go away, go to Baccano, he wants to talk to you.

Here.

Don't come here, go to Acciarito, he's got new DVDs from Croatia.

Take the papers to Don Pierino and I'll give you Night Beauty.

I'll go to Don Pierino.

-You want Night Beauty? -What?

-Suck it! -I'll stick it in the frying pan.

Miranda, leave that loser,

I've got a hectare of truffles!

Why are they all shouting at me today?

Love, the produce should be displayed on the stall,

not on you.

He's got everything I want!

-Baccano. -Hi.

How's the pressure cooker?

-It blew up. -It happens.

Primetta, how's the depressive?

Depressive? He's a total wreck, he hasn't been out for two months,

he didn't even go to the wedding of the mayor's son.

Oh, dear, here's hoping.

How do I ring the bell to get him to open?

With the final ring that long?

You need to be Morricone to get in.

-It's stuck on! -What do you want me to do?

Here we go.

Good morning.

Turin Technical College, great!

I had to leave the house today because of you.

What do you mean? You went out on to the landing.

Don't you think you're overdoing it?

You haven't said Mass for six weeks,

the old women in the village want to emigrate.

I got this letter from the Curia in Florence.

Let's see.

They want to check, word has got round.

They want to replace me.

Do you realise? The Monsignor is coming here.

If you're not back in church in two weeks saying Mass, you're finished.

-It's written here. -They're right.

What? Let's go out.

It's sunny.

Let's go out.

I've lost my faith, I've failed.

Mother of God.

Why do you see everything so black?

It's a sign from God that he wants you to stay with us here.

Come on!

Maybe you'll find your faith again.

Follow me.

That's the way, we always followed you!

Let's have a nice walk.

-Where will we go? -Get out of my face.

Look at this marvel!

85 square metres,

three windows on to the street, as you can see,

a nice bathroom there, there on the right.

Over there, there's a bathroom with shower in front.

You can put your counter here, 1.40 metres.

Your cash register, your stand. You're the second people to come.

A Chinese baker has already made me an offer,

he makes yellow biscuits.

In summer, you can sell fruit and veg in the open air,

have a little counter in the wall.

The council won't give a permit now, but with the new government,

and there'll be an amnesty.

Then, if they insist, say, "There was already a counter in the wall.

Check the land register! There wasn't? There was!"

Floor any way you like, fruit on the right, veg on the left.

-The other way about. -What the fuck do I care?

Idea! Put a sofa here.

Why have a sofa in a grocer's?

The old ladies will come more willingly,

because they can sit down and rest their varicose veins.

I'll take 4% from you.

They want 160, we offer 140 and you get it for 150.

I haven't understood a thing, how much is it?

-Who cares, get a mortgage. -For how much?

Right…

Love, we've got 25,000, my mum will give us 15,000.

Didn't she say 20,000?

She's started playing poker again.

At the age of 70!

Another 10,000 for the caravan.

We're not selling the caravan, that's our little house by the sea.

We'll take a tent!

We're too old for a tent, it's damp,

you get rheumatism.

You need to take risks in life.

I know you need to take risks, I'd be the first to agree with that,

but they won't give us a mortgage for 150,000,

we don't own the house.

All we own is the van and it's got an insurance claim pending.

Can we give that as a guarantee?

We also have to pay the road tax.

-We'll play our joker! -From where, from heaven?

Bettina, stop it,

I've been married for ten years.

Romeo, are you here in summer too? Weren't you going to Lerici?

My whore of a wife's there, we've split up again,

for good this time.

Here we go!

-We're the only survivors. -Like Mickey and Minnie!

Tomato, did you bring the wig to test it in the sun?

No, I want to offer it to the lifeguard, he looks half-queer.

-All together tonight? -We don't have much choice here.

Did you bring the sausages?

Steak, sausages and chops, a vegetarian meal.

I see the boy's on a diet.

I don't know if he's inflating the ring or vice-versa!

No chops for you tonight.

-A sausage. -One!

When I speak with you, you always make me nervous,

when you have money, you always land on your feet.

It's always a question of money, I'll tell you this,

you who're talking about people with money.

John Travolta has got two planes parked in his garden.

I've got my mother-in-law parked on the settee every weekend.

Who's worse off?

The mother-in-law's going to leave you the house by the sea,

otherwise no way would she be there,

you wouldn't have her in the garage.

Everyone has a price.

If I had the money, I'd buy you.

Tomato is right.

I didn't want to say but do you know what Simonetta did?

-Who? -My hairdresser friend.

Mind your own business!

She confided in me,

made me swear not to tell.

She put the news in the bank! What did the whore do?

She went dancing,

an American of about 50 came up to her and said,

"What a lovely mouth! Would you come with me for 5,000 dollars?"

Did she report him?

Yeah, right.

She loaded him up in the car without a second thought.

Hairdressing's a cover, otherwise how did she get a 3-room house?

-She asked for a mortgage. -Yeah, from the American

and he gave her it with interest!

Whatever! She took a shower and paid her mortgage.

Not like us, breaking our backs every day.

Tell the American to come to me.

Make her stop drinking.

Benedetta, you're making Baccano nervous.

-Think about it, hypothetically. -All right.

You're so clever,

a sheik comes from Minnesota.

Minnesota.

He looks at you and says, "I like you, I want to bugger you."

-Just as well it was a sheik! -Wait.

"I'll give you 50,000 euros for your buns."

She's drunk.

50,000? No, dear sheik.

You can keep your 50,000 euros

for my buns.

Good man!

This sheik, whom nobody has ever refused before,

comes back and says to you,

"I won't give you 50,000 euros, you want to know how much?"

-Let's hear it. -You want to know?

She'll tell us now.

"I'll give you 500,000"!

Right, will we split these buns?

The famous bun-ana split!

Are you going to give me your buns or not?

The buns!

She's been drinking!

500,000…

What? You're even thinking about it?

-What? -Answer the sheik.

"No, sheik of Minnesota,

you have money to burn, but I'm not giving you my buns!"

-Rent them to him. -No.

They're not for rent or sale.

And you can't download them either.

Let's go to bed, we're never going to meet this sheik!

Come on, bed.

You've drunk too much, take this boiler to bed.

-You going to bed? -You've broken my balls.

Guys, good night.

The sheik, 500,000 euros.

-Will I give you the 35? -Martina, at this distance?

I'll give you the telephoto lens.

With this light, the service will be rubbish.

What do our readers care about statues of Garibaldi?

At least we'd a good lunch.

You're enjoying your food nowadays!

Are you putting on weight?

What do you like doing apart from eating?

Hardly anything, I get bored quickly.

That's why we get on.

I get bored quickly too,

and I don't like anything.

Hardly anything.

The fruit?

In front.

-The van! -Behind.

The umbrella.

Beneath.

The stall.

A lot better than Garibaldi.

You want me to believe she's not a model?

She's got a stall at the market, she gets up at dawn and sells fruit.

I took them in secret.

She's a bomb!

She's certainly something else.

If we do the calendar with her,

think of the publicity!

We'll put her on all the talk shows.

"Italy's sexiest woman sells fruit and veg."

Women will go for it,

she's not a pretty girlfriend for a footballer.

Very normal people will identify with her

and it'll sell 100,000 copies.

The first edition!

I thought about it a lot before bringing you them.

Tell me what to offer her and I'll bring you 12 heart-attack shots.

Careful, I've got three by-passes.

Let's see…

Love, you here?

Uncle, before he died,

left us his goldfish, he says they're like us,

always hanging on to each other.

But you need to feed them, they can't live on love alone.

Come on!

They're looking at the sachet.

It's not food, it's yeast.

If I give you this you'll become sea bass and we'll cook you with potatoes.

Love, am I talking to myself?

What is this music box? Where are you?

Here.

Love?

Are you somewhere else?

What's this check?

Give!

50,000 euros made out to you?

Your mum won at poker?

They want me to do a nude calendar,

covered with fruit.

They say I'm photogenic.

Who gave you this money?

Andrea, this really elegant photographer

who speaks posh, I didn't understand a thing.

If I accept, I can keep it,

otherwise he'll pick it up in three days.

A fruit calendar?

For the magazine Beautiful Life, full of lovely things.

They're looking for somebody normal

and they chose me.

Normal people don't pose nude covered in fruit!

You're right, here's his mobile.

You speak to him, these 50,000 euros

have exhausted me.

Hello?

This is Mariano, the grocer, the husband of the photogenic wife.

Is that Andrea?

I was expecting your call.

And here I am.

You want to know more?

Why all nude in the fruit?

January, February, March, April,

it's a calendar, every month has a different fruit in season.

Could she not have some clothes on, in winter at least?

Mr. Stoppani, homo quisque faber ipse fortunae suae.

That's right, though I didn't understand a fucking word!

Here we say,

"When the wife's undressed, everyone's impressed."

I wish!

As I said, you've got three days to decide.

I'll call you back on Friday, say hello to your wife.

A calendar isn't a betrayal, but business.

What did he say?

What did he say?

What?

Same as he said to you.

Then he starts talking posh and you don't understand a thing.

-He said a calendar isn't a betrayal. -It's business.

It's business.

-He said the same to me. -He said the same to me.

Nude in fruit.

Without even a little scarf.

Better that way.

I put it aside.

You usually put it there.

-Here it is. Thanks. Bye. -Good. Bye.

-Hi, Acciarito. -You not got rehearsals?

-If you want, I'll go. -You're not nimble enough to dance.

Give me

a calendar.

Give me a calendar.

Hi, Mariano.

Ciciarelli, how are you? Christian Family for me.

-And the calendar. -What?

You go first, you've got a kid.

Pokemon.

-Put it on the slate. -Put it on the slate.

Give me the calendar.

-Naked women, you as well? -Do you sell a lot?

It's not a sale, it's a census,

I know the exact number of wankers in the town and surrounding area

and there are lots.

Whatever.

-On the slate. -Christian Family?

Read it already.

Dad!

Stop!

I didn't do it deliberately.

You really hurt me.

Baccano, you're the pits.

Sure, it's for fun,

you're an amateur group, but there's a limit to good taste.

You're not dancing, you're losing your dignity.

Listen, you avant-garde director,

I always had Mariano beside me in rehearsal,

if he's not here, I'll launch just the same, I'm a professional.

I'm speechless.

Stop it with the "I'm speechless", you've crushed them!

But you still have your hand out for your money every month!

They always fight, they're mad.

-Well? -Forget it.

-Why? -What a mess!

What a mess?

I did my best.

Baccano launched Puddu like a missile.

I'm not enjoying this any more, too much dancing.

Can't we do Frankenstein? I'll be the monster.

Look at that babe!

Beautiful. Go and get changed.

The snack machine's out there.

What is it?

A slut!

Why a "slut"?

You ever spent a June like that?

-He's asking why she's a "slut"! -She's a model.

They asked to do a calendar and maybe they gave her a load of money.

-So why "slut"? -Rich slut!

You're so small-town!

These terrible comments about these professionals.

-It's 3000. -Did I miss something?

It's nearly 3000,

you need to…

It's like we always…

The man can say, the woman can't.

The man can speak, the woman has to listen.

The man can speak or the woman could listen as well

and speak, in the sense that…

That calendar, who left it there?

It seems to me

that you should

at a certain point in your lives

open your minds.

You know what I'd open for her?

Don't tell me, I think I know.

See you during the week.

Let's see July.

Better not, it'll straighten your quiff!

-Show us July. -Better not to.

Stay on June, it's fine.

The calendar trial went badly.

What's that?

Don't be angry but this was a decision I had to make.

I thought about it over and over,

and I decided I want to do the calendar,

I want to do those absurd, filthy poses.

But, dear Mariano, I want to do it

just for you!

Get the Polaroid and hurry to the bathroom.

You like January?

Let's do a 20-month calendar!

To the last drop!

Take the Polaroid and I'll do a calendar for you.

Shoot!

Let's do March.

April.

Listen, I'm a bit drunk,

you know I can't hold my champagne.

But when it's over,

we could go to our bed

and set about making a baby.

I've already chosen the names.

If it's a girl, Dawn,

if it's a boy,

Dusk.

Dusk's not a name.

It's a beautiful earth name, a people's name.

At least six of my cousins are called Dusk.

Nobody's called Dusk.

Come on, let's do it,

he'll be as beautiful as his name.

Dawn and Dusk, and then we'll really have everything.

Just think, "Dusk, help me get the jujubes off the truck!

Dawn can't help me."

-She's a girl. -She's a girl.

I've got bun-anas!

Ladies, today the Korean pan,

non-stick, non-slip, moth-proof.

Big one 15 euros, small 10 euros.

Can I do a trout with this?

You still like fish at your age?

And you still like leching at yours?

I try to be nice to sell things.

What a lovely pair, everyone will stop and stare!

He's so poetic today!

Ungaretti, that's two months of credit,

are you going to give me some money?

I give it to your wife, she's the best place for it.

She's like Luxembourg, she's not a woman,

she's a tax haven.

Yeah, right.

How much are the cherries?

They're special, they're sweeter than candyfloss.

And how much are they?

Mariano, look who's here.

Who?

Is it the insurance guy about the van?

-I'll tell you what happened. -No.

What happened was this.

That idiot put his indicator on after the accident.

I've got eyewitnesses.

Baccano, when did he indicate?

-The idiot from the accident? -Yes.

After the crash.

We're ready to testify in court.

There's no need.

Rather, let's do a deal,

let's deal, is that what you say?

No, you say you've made a fool of yourself.

-Why? -He's the calendar photographer.

-Hello. -Hello.

I'm sorry, you could have phoned and we'd have told you.

We've decided the calendar's not on, here's your check.

We could have used the money,

50,000 isn't to be sneezed at,

but we'd be embarrassed being nude in the fruit.

We'd be embarrassed!

I'm sorry you came all this way, we'll give you some peaches, prunes,

but we're not doing it.

Miranda, are you really sure?

No, there's no point asking after the explanation.

Miranda doesn't accept.

Yes, really, I'm sorry.

You were very nice,

-but I can't, it's not my scene. -She can't.

It's not about the money,

it's that I really am embarrassed.

She embarrasses easily.

Well, I'll be off, shame.

Yeah, shame.

You could have spent a week in the Seychelles.

-That's where the shoot is. -Nice place, good choice!

Furthermore,

just to let you know,

the publisher had raised his offer.

Just to let us know, the editor,

what would he have paid us, just to let us know?

I'll write it down.

He'll write it, just to let us know.

Miranda, where's the parsley?

I'm going for the trip, you do the fucking calendar,

see you at 5:00 pm.

Put your hat on, you'll burn here.

My family's got tough skin,

my uncle was a lifeguard.

Aladdin, did you bring the anchovy pasta?

-My name is Said. -Don't get upset.

It's not my fault you look like the genie of the lamp.

Don't let me get too wet, I've just eaten.

-Did the tsunami strike here? -No, sir.

Don't call me "sir", my name is Barbetta,

Mr Barbetta, if you have to.

Do you have a union or is all the work on the black market?

Are you taking the wrap off, or are we doing a winter calendar?

You think it's easy?

I'm not used to being naked in front of so many strangers.

We're working, we're used to it.

I'm tempted not to do it.

This isn't the time for a crisis.

I'll count to three,

at three, lose the wrap.

One, two, three.

What's with those faces?

I thought you were used to it!

Tell me something, are there any fish here?

We still haven't caught anything.

There's everything here, fish, tortoises, paradise!

Do you have fog here?

What's fog?

A chemical reaction between the sky and the Earth,

when there's the fog, you see fuck-all.

-What color is it? -No color.

What?

No, it's like a low cloud.

Does low cloud have a color? No.

-What does it taste like? -It doesn't taste of anything!

It tastes of smog.

-What's smog? -All these questions!

You're like my 4-year-old nephew.

Damn me for asking you.

What happened?

-Typical small shark attack. -Small? Start the engine.

Hurry up, it'll eat us.

-Come on! -It won't start.

Get it going!

Damn you, I was better off with the shark.

It's so heavy!

Are you throwing the fruit away afterward?

It's 150 euros' worth, it's a sin.

I'd take it with me if I could.

Keep talking, it's more natural.

You could have peeled the pineapple,

it's scratching my back!

Can two go on the scooter or will you lose points on your license?

I got my license with an exam, not points.

I hope the police don't stop us.

Here we are, Barbetta, a local restaurant,

no tourists here, you eat well and don't pay a lot.

But what about the microbes? And the water?

All bollocks to sell more medicine to you Europeans.

Yeah, water's the same everywhere.

Well done, you're starting to melt.

I was right not to let Mariano come,

you wouldn't have been so uninhibited.

It seemed harder, but you just have to do those magazine poses.

Why did you get married so young?

And then with a man, it's not like you're the same age.

There's 12 years' difference, but so what?

In his head, he's younger than me.

We've known each other since we went to the campsite as kids,

we still go.

He was dating my cousin and I was in love with him.

I was skinny and had pigtails.

One day he says to me,

"Put a bay leaf on your head and you'll look like a kebab."

I lost my temper, kicked him in the balls,

he doubled over and I kissed him.

I was eight!

Isn't your job tiring? You're still a woman.

Why? I get up early and instead of going to the gym,

I exercise at the market.

Well, you're a fantastic woman.

Fantastic.

Why is it you can't build a counter in the wall

and then you can with the amnesty?

What's this amnesty?

You don't get it, in Italy we have precise rules.

Tell me again.

I'm not allowed to build, but I do.

But if you can't!

Do you or don't you want the counter in the wall?

-I want it. -So I build it.

-But you can't. -That's the trick!

I can't, but I do,

because then there's an unexpected amnesty.

Unexpected?

Yes, you pay and keep your counter.

What the fuck are you laughing at?

-Tell me another. -You want to hear?

You want to hear?

Council property tax!

You've been oiling me for two hours!

-What's it for? -To be sexier.

What an idiot I am, I always used it to dress salads.

Now you have to give me the max,

bring a bit of Eros out of those peppers.

-What will I do? -Kiss them, lick them.

Who told you this was sexy?

I know things you don't know.

I'll repeat it more slowly.

Moustafa, you pay for the house and it's yours.

Up to here…

The house is yours, but every year you have to pay a tax.

-Council property tax. -Well done!

But if you die,

let's hope not, but it might happen.

If you die, it's a double con,

because you have to keep paying.

-The dead can't pay. -They can in Italy.

-It's called inheritance tax. -Like a mortgage.

No, the mortgage is when you ask the bank for money.

-How does it work? -I already explained!

If you want money,

the bank gives you it and does you a favour,

and that money costs seven, eight per cent,

but if you give your money to the bank

you do the bank a favour, but who knows why

your money earns one, 1.5 per cent.

You're the Third World!

Life in Italy is simple,

rob a bank, run away

and if they catch you, wait for the amnesty.

That's not an amnesty, it's a pardon.

Today is Thursday,

on Sunday they're coming from the Vatican to see if you're here,

if they don't find you, they'll close the church, send you away

and bring in a Chinese substitute.

-A Chinese priest? -With spare parts for when he's ill.

Do it for us faithful,

you've always been there for us.

You celebrated my wedding, you baptized all our children,

you gave Calosci a slap when he swore.

You know us like the back of your hand, don't abandon us.

You have to swear to me that on Sunday you'll go and say Mass.

I'll come to Mass, but remember I won't be there.

I'll come, but I won't be there, but I'll come.

"Jesus was led into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil,

and after having fasted for 40 days and 40 nights, he was hungry…

Man does not live on bread alone,

but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.

The devil led him to the holy city and said to him…"

Why did we come here?

The church is full and the priest is in his place.

"…they will support you on their hands

in case you hurt your foot against a stone.

Jesus said to him…

Jesus said to him…

Jesus said to him…"

Jesus said to him?

Oh, God, he's stopped again.

Jesus said,

"Dear tempter,

we try lots, but they're only attempts, meantime,

if I shut up, so will you."

This is what Don Pierino means with his silence.

What's this?

Don Pierino wants to put us to the test.

What's new this Sunday is a Mass that's interactat…

Where there's interaction, that is between us and him, him and us.

Baccano, have you been drinking?

Silence, sinner!

There might be people here who've never seen

this sort of interactive Mass.

They'll be asking…

"Why?

Who's that?

Where are we?"

There, now we've got a problem.

Our Lord thought when faced with the Evil One.

The really Evil One!

Dear brothers and sisters, let's end this wonderful Mass

the way Don Pierino would like, singing and praising the Lord.

Tomato, come to the altar.

-Sibaldi, run to the instrument. -What instrument?

-Press the keys on the pianola. -What do we do?

Do a slow song, come on, quickly!

-Slowly or quickly? -Do it slowly quickly.

-"Sandy"? -Good, "Sandy", a church version.

-Just a sec. -Let's do it in Do.

All we were missing was the karaoke.

I've never heard this English hymn.

I have, but I can't remember where.

I don't know if I agree with these modern methods.

-Yeah, but if these are the results… -Who knows.

It's like being on TV, all that's missing is the phone-in vote.

You'll keep going in the Christmas Mass.

-Bravo! -Bravo!

Well done, Tomato!

A big hand for Don Pierino.

May he stay here for ever.

Long live Don Pierino.

Encore.

Sainthood now!

What are you doing?

Is your husband not jealous over this calendar?

No, you know how long we'll live off that money?

-A nice simple answer. -Like a baby.

I can't take this any more, always the same questions,

I've got a sore head, sore feet and I'm hungry.

You were great, we'll do the radio stations now.

-Can I do it barefoot? -Whatever you like.

Call the radio people.

In you come, only three questions each.

-Please, come in. -Hello. Have a seat.

Let's hear the radio questions!

You were fantastic.

I got muddled up ten or 15 times.

No, you're good and more beautiful all the time.

I'm exhausted, look at the state of me.

You're good with the compliments.

And always when I'm not expecting them,

it's a technique.

It might work, with someone else though,

because I've got the key.

Where the fuck does it go?

-Here. -Right.

-Thank you and good night. -Good night.

What a fright, are you mad?

What are you doing here? No!

I knew it would finish like this.

As soon as we're on the yacht,

I'll go to the politician and say to him,

"I represent a group of people from the Seychelles

who're fighting our social-political-economic system.

Everything has to be rethought, property tax, taxes, pardons."

I'll add the TV license.

"The people of the Seychelles are laughing at us,

they're sneering!"

"Sneering", I like that, do you think I'll impress him?

Love, will I impress him?

Love, what's up?

Are you somewhere else?

I'm wondering

if we're cocking things up with this calendar.

We're always out, we're neglecting the market, our friends.

What do you mean? We did it for the shop.

We'll buy the shop and life will change.

I don't know.

-What do you mean? -I don't know.

-You were handsome as a groom. -I was!

If the photographer had seen me dressed like this,

I'd have done the calendar, I look like Prince.

It might have been better.

Miranda, can you hear me?

The white one with the lights on.

The Titanic next to the blue one?

Yes.

Hurry up, we've already had our aperitifs,

the MP's been here half an hour.

Everything went wrong,

the boat's come loose in front of us, and we got lost three times.

You go, so they can relax,

as soon as the queue moves, I'll join you.

-Sure? -Yes.

I'm coming.

Come on, we should already have set sail.

Mariano's parking and he'll be here.

What do you mean, parking, come on!

I can't leave him here.

We've been waiting an hour for you.

-How can I? -We'll send a dinghy for him.

I can't leave him here like a prick.

All right, nobody saw you,

I'll say you felt sick.

Talk soon.

Remove the dirty glasses and do another round with the champagne.

Andrea.

-Tell the captain we can leave. -Okay.

Take your shoes off.

Come on!

If you want to freshen up, there's all you need in there.

Wait, we left that poor guy alone on the pier.

-Have you spoken to him? -Not yet, my heart's breaking.

He's not expecting it!

It's not about leaving a person,

but a bit of life, it's not easy.

You've been living a life that wasn't yours,

this is your life.

You've nothing to do with him,

yeah, sure, he's nice, quaint,

but he's not the man of your life.

You told me

that it seems strange getting up at 5:00 am to go to the market.

Sometimes at 4:00 am.

I can't find the words, what do I tell him?

"I'm leaving you, I love someone else"?

All I've done is have my ass photographed.

You met me.

Andrea, are you here? The MP is waiting for you.

Coming.

I wrote down what I think when we're not together.

Will I read it now?

When you're on your own.

-Sailor! -You talking to me?

Yes, how long does it take a dinghy to come and take me to a boat?

It depends where the boat is, if it's in Gorgona, tomorrow.

It's nearby, that big white one

with the politician aboard.

The one with the bodyguards

who stopped the traffic for an hour because that asshole had to get by?

My wife said they'd send a dinghy,

but it's still not here.

If Dalmazio was here, he'd take you, but he knocks off at 5:00 pm.

Call him, I'll pay him to take me.

-Which is Dalmazio's boat? -This grey dinghy.

I know how to drive that.

I'll give you the money and you give it to Dalmazio.

Who sent you to us today?

You're worse than a cat hanging on to my balls.

Sir, I read that your last visit to the Middle East

caused you a bit of trouble.

They don't muck around there,

I made the mistake of saying what I thought.

I kicked up a row!

I've had an escort for three months.

Nobody can get near me.

Here I am, love, like the Pirates of the Caribbean!

Dalmazio's dinghy is going great.

But I'm going to get soaked and get sunstroke.

I should put something on.

The escort guys are great,

they're always on the alert.

They wanted to have this party at sea,

so I'd be safer.

What's that noise?

I turn right and it goes left. How do I stop it?

Help!

This all costs about 40 billion?

Hey, babe, bring some more biscuits.

Move the boat, this isn't responding!

Out the way!

They really scared me, now I jump at everything.

Out of the way!

Yesterday, a kid set off a firecracker

and I felt sick.

The dinghy's not working, move the boat!

Move the boat!

The dinghy's out of control!

The dinghy's out of control! Help!

Who the fuck's that?

If I hear a door slam, I'm scared.

Collision!

Relax, he's fine.

We did the right thing doing them, but it wasn't necessary.

Will I continue the antibiotics?

Finish the box, but he's thick-skinned.

Remember when he fell from the wall of the orchard?

He pretended he'd lost his memory.

Congratulations, by the way.

It's already impossible to find in a range of 150 square miles.

Thank you.

What time do I take the pills?

It's written on the prescription, it's in my bag.

Dear Miranda, here I am thinking about you again today,

the same as yesterday, and tomorrow as well.

When you're absent, I can still feel your presence.

I think of your smile, our stolen kisses, and that night I wish had never ended.

In life you should never deny yourself the dream of love.

Who said it's impossible?

Only we can decide what we can do.

I've always lived halfway between what I thought I was

and what I am.

Happy Christmas, you old witches! Happy Christmas, everybody!

-Bye. -Bye.

What a lovely counter!

You get the amnesty?

Seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one…

You want to go to the singles' night sometime?

Yeah, I'll think about it.

Bye-bye, all the best.

HAPPY NEW YEAR, HANDSOME!

Dad, does Santa Claus exist?

He did until you ate him!

You want to eat the Epiphany witch too?

Laugh! What have you got in there, an incinerator?

I've always loved the sun,

even as a child, when I was six,

I climbed the wall of the oratory,

it must have been at least four metres high.

And, then, I would go up and down,

like a yo-yo.

Little sparrow,

it's time to stop stuffing yourself.

Every time I look at the moon, that song comes to mind that says,

"Look at that moon or it won't bring you luck,

wait for your love, if it comes back,

it'll be yours for ever and that's the secret."

A year had gone by and for me Miranda was still my wife.

Go away now

I want to be alone

With my sadness

And fly in its sky

I never asked who you were

Why you chose me

Me who until yesterday

I thought was a king

To lose love

I know, love, you can't have everything in life,

that's the way it went tonight.

We'll do it tomorrow after the shoot.

A bit of sushi, then everything else.

My agent called me yesterday and gave me the usual line,

"It's not a good period, nothing,

but you're good, sooner or later they'll call you."

-I did Chekhov in rep in Genoa. -What a waste!

It's true, we're not the usual pretty-but-dumbs.

No, I meant the fruit.

They do parties with these baskets of fruit

that nobody ever eats.

You know what my husband used to say when we set up the stall?

"The world could get by on fruit and veg,

we're doing a good thing, there's everything in fruit and veg,

what more do you need?"

Wow, what a metaphor!

Where's Andrea?

Yeah, where is he? I've been holding these two glasses for two hours.

-Cecilia, have you seen Andrea? -He was heading to the bathroom.

-Excuse me. -Yeah. Bye.

What have you told to your boyfriend in Parma?

Really?

And he believed it?

You could convince anyone of anything.

No, Artichoke Girl's through there,

she's discovered champagne.

Love, you brought me my champagne.

It was Giulio from America…

Don't talk shit!

I heard everything.

So I'm Artichoke Girl who's discovered champagne?

Take it then, you piece of shit!

Miranda.

Wait!

Don't be a baby, I was kidding!

I saw you behind the door.

Fuck off, you asshole!

I knew those assistants of yours were nothing but whores

and you're a pig.

-Give me the car keys. -Don't.

Here you are.

Do you think you should be driving? You're drunk.

And if you want the whole truth, you're a shit photographer too,

they only let you do calendars with nude asses.

Artistic photos? You make me sick!

You really are Artichoke Girl!

Wow.

It's not just me that calls you that,

everyone in the scene does!

What are you doing?

Don't touch me or you're finished.

Tell everyone in your scene

that Artichoke Girl gave you this bunch of fives.

I don't want to make a fuss,

but this is the last performance of Grease,

a memory we'll keep all our lives, so let's give it our best.

One, two, three, shit!

Shit.

What a crash!

Madam.

What?

Where?

My phone's still on!

Mariano, great!

Baccano!

Come here!

Mariano called.

-What? -A tragedy! Mariano says Miranda…

She ended up in a ravine with the photographer's car.

Nobody knows what happened…

You can't leave your car here.

Sir?

Well?

Well, I don't know anything, they're operating.

-Where? -In the operating theater.

Where in the sense of physically?

-Is it true she thumped her head? -Is it true?

Remember we wanted to do a musical of ER?

Giustina was the slut nurse.

Are you mad? That's your fantasy.

-I was supposed to be the doctor. -Slut doctor!

In your dreams!

Go home, as soon as I know anything, I'll call you.

Let's go, we look like we're going to a fancy-dress party.

It's not Carnival.

I'm staying with Dad.

Okay.

Mariano, I'll leave my phone on.

-Thank you. -Be brave.

-Bye. -Bye, Mariano.

Good luck.

Let us know.

-You go as well. -I'm staying, I'm not tired.

Nobody's waiting for me.

I don't like life very much,

too unpredictable.

I'm ignorant, I can't cope with all these surprises.

Miranda leaves you, the crash,

my son losing 200 grams in six months.

There are so many unpredictable things in life.

In the world too,

too many surprises.

The tsunami.

The Twin Towers.

The Pope who died after 20 days.

Lewinsky's blowjob.

Juventus being relegated.

Remember when they banned beef on the bone?

If I think about my life,

with a dead cat on my head all the time,

to have had hair.

In the '80s, I could have given Brian May a run for his money.

Who's Mr Stoppani?

Come on, Miranda!

Here's hoping!

You can see her but not for long.

Well?

The operation went well, she's out of danger,

but they did a reduction and synthesis

of the fracture at the neck of the femur.

-What does that mean? -Reduction and synthesis.

In the sense,

she'll not walk perfectly.

-Miranda. -Miranda, yes.

She'll not walk perfectly in what sense?

She's lame!

Here she is, but don't stay too long or she'll get tired.

Thanks.

Miranda.

It's Mariano.

What happened?

You crashed, you ended up in a ravine.

I can't move.

They operated on your leg,

it was a long and serious operation,

but it went well.

Don't leave me.

Who's leaving you?

I'm here.

I'm always here.

I'm holding your hand too.

You're so handsome, my love.

Handsome.

You think I'm handsome

because you're on morphine.

But I appreciate it.

Here, Madam, you want Valentino's underwear?

He'll only have worn it a couple of times.

What are you touching? That's tempered steel, don't worry.

Buy!

Don Pierino? What's he doing?

Don Pierino?

Right.

Let's try the movement of the aliens again in the final scene.

Close Encounters doesn't make the most of me,

there's isn't a single song.

Let's start, say your line.

Landed on Earth.

Stood in shit!

Baccano!

Yes, "I'm speechless", I know.

-Can I help you? -I can manage.

There's my love, I've got the car in the shade.

-Give me the bags. -Okay.

Come to me at Christmas, I'll give you some nice clementines.

-Bye. Say hi to your brother. -Okay. Bye, guys.

-Bye. -Bye.

You somewhere else?

I haven't been home for over a year.

Nothing's changed.

Good.

Good.

I don't want to bring the topic up again, but…

What topic?

We didn't see each other this year.

Not seeing each other, the topic.

When I sleep too much, I don't remember anything.

Yesterday evening I went to bed at 9:00 pm and I woke up today at 10:00 am,

I don't know what you want to talk about.

Did I miss something?

You didn't miss anything.

Just as well.

I'm starving!

Simple or royal sandwiches?

How do you want your sandwich, with rind and black pepper or plain?

-With rind. -Two royals, with a little pepper.

-To drink? -Love, to drink?

-A soda. -Two.

It's great with pork.

Here.

Pellegrini, you still do Jerry Lewis?

Good evening, I'm fantastic!

You've improved, you gave me the shivers!

-Here you go. -See you, handsome.

Here, sandwiches and soda.

You should hear his Jerry Lewis, you'll die laughing.

Giovannino's roast pork is the best.

He uses his own pigs,

he rears them on healthy feed, and when the time comes

he strikes them between the head and the neck.

They drop dead and he sticks them in a sandwich.

-You see who's there? -Who?

Our son.

Dusk.

Lovely, isn't he?

He came to say hello.

If we wait seven or eight hours, the girl will come too.

Dawn!

Are you in a hurry?

No.

You got somewhere to go?

No.

You got a date?

No.

Well, we'll wait.