Original subtitles

- You missed a bit.

- Christ's sake fuckin'...

- I won a hat.

- What?

- At the fête. For the village hall roof.

- Christ and fucking baby Moses in a basket, Jeffrey!

- What?

- That's a fucking awful hat.

Boots!

- I've not found any infections.

As long as we all just stick to the rules, it'll be fine.

- I don't know how they think

they'll close the Moor.

- Well they have.

- No, they haven't.

How do you close the fucking countryside?

- Signs, bits of tape.

- Oh, thank God.

Well, as long as they got bits of tape.

- There, look!

- Dotty?

- She's turning circles. Champion!

- Well spotted, Herriot!

- She's gonna pop any minute.

Hey, you're glad I'm here now.

- Need you like a hole in the hernia.

- Shut up.

I'll give you a hand then we can wet the baby's head.

- Give me a hand?

Jeffrey, how many cattle do you think

I've calved in my time?

- How many?

- Well, I don't fucking know, do we? Loads!

Go home.

- Hang on.

Got you a present!

- That calf is desperate to be born. Come on, Dotty.

Right? My turn.

Capital of Norway.

- Helsinki.

- Who sang...

- You can still make the pub quiz, you know.

- No, I'm keeping you company.

- Aren't you just.

- who sang...

- It's like being trapped with Michael fucking Aspells.

- A Whiter Sade of Pale?

Come on.

Everyone knows this one.

- Abba.

- Abba?

- I'm gonna put your head through that wall

if you're not careful.

- Abba!

- Chuck you in the slurry pit.

- Abba.

- No one will miss you, you know.

- Doesn't sound a bit like Abba.

- Oh, she's grand.

- Yep.

- What is known-?

- Oh fuck off.

- What is known as "The Old Lady of Thread Needle Suite?"

- You?

- Which author wrote-

Hey!

- Here's a question. Why you here?

- You're a miserable sod, you know that?

- Yeah.

Come on then.

- What?

- You got a proper tasty bit waiting for you back home,

probably cooking you a slap up dinner,

and yet you been sat here, best part of two hours,

boring the arse off me.

- I haven't.

- We had half an hour of who said what at the village fete,

another half an hour on Mrs Kelly's rabbit's intestines-

- That was actually fascinating.

- Holly's grade three cello,

what worktops Helen wants for your new kitchen,

I'm surprised you got breath in you.

You better not be fucking billing me.

- No!

- Tell you, I had your missus

I'd be home like fucking shot, ay?

What have you done, Herriot?

- Got a name yet?

Arabella?

No?

Gladys?

- Who'd call a fucking cow Gladys?

- I would.

- You would.

Victoria.

- Oh, Victoria.

- These is the last of Sheila names, see?

So we got Elizabeth and Anne, Diana, Margaret, Zara,

Beatrice, Mary.

We lost Camilla to the bloat in February.

Who's missing?

Ah- Eugenie's with her newborn in the south shed.

I'm running out of Royals.

- Fergie.

Hey, what about Jeffrey?

- Jesus, you can't call a cow Jeffrey.

They shouldn't let bloody humans be called Jeffrey.

Did I ever tell you bout the time we let

Trev name the newborns?

He must have been about eight or nine.

Sheila's idea o'course, bloody disaster.

Tell you, I get out one morning and the little buggers

found an hole in the hedge.

So there I was, out down them fields in nothin'

but boots and jarmers calling

"Ay Sheila! I found Bagpuss,

but there's no sign of Professor Yaffle".

Well of course Sam Ellacott across the way hears,

so as I walks in to Tavvi market next week,

they're all there-

- Singing the bloody theme tune.

- How is Trev?

I hear he did all the arrangements of the service,

sorted all the flowers and food and whatnot.

- Up his street, innit?

Here's one for you.

- Nightingale?

- Bloody useless.

- All right.

- It's like trying to teach a dog to drive.

Try again.

- Great tit?

- Only one tit round here.

Nightjar.

- It's strange.

- You hardly ever see 'em, only hear them.

They fly silent.

Bad luck is nightjars.

It's a bird of death.

- Whoooooooo!

- Ellacott's full a shit, isn't he?

Reckons it's coming down this way.

That's not why you're here is it?

- No, it's no where near here.

- Mike Leach at Hexworthy

just lost his entire herd.

Everything he had is being piled up and burnt.

- They're just being- that's precautions.

You're gonna be fine.

- Yeah, course I fucking will.

Nothing wrong with my cows.

- I know.

- You think something's up with Dotty?

- Jesus Christ Michael. You'd know if there was.

- Why you here, then.

- You kicking me out?

- Yes.

- Fine.

- What the bloody hell's going on, Jeffrey?

- This is getting really boring.

- Well, just tell me why you're here, then.

- The scintillating conversation.

- Look, be serious Jeffrey.

Something's up.

Come on then, spit it out.

- I don't know.

I just can't seem to put a foot right.

Been sleeping on a camp bed in the study for three weeks.

Then every morning I tidy it away so Holly doesn't see.

It's constant eggshells all the time.

- You don't know you're born, you got it made bey.

Oh, have I?

- Lovely house, beautiful little girl.

I tell you, I had your missus-

- Take her. You can have her.

Oh. Shit. Shit. Sorry.

Shit. I didn't mean-

- How um, how is it?

- It's the little things, that's a bugger.

You just catch yourself.

Some mornings I come down and before I know it

I made two cups of tea.

It's funny, was about this time of year.

Came back one day, there's a letter, you know, test results,

just sitting there propped up against a pot of daffs.

She didn't see out the year.

No fucking age is it, 58?

- No.

It's very cruel.

Remember that year?

Who was it went breech?

- Jojo.

- Jojo.

And we were out here for hours.

- Pissing bloody icicles!

- Freezing cold.

And when we finally got back in the kitchen there she was.

The magnificent Sheila,

four in the morning cooking us a fry-up.

- Yeah.

- I could have kissed her.

- You did kiss her.

- Oh yeah.

- Remind me to knock your block off for that.

- Great big heart she had.

And arse to match.

- I should have come to the funeral.

- Don't want to hear this again.

- No, no. But I should.

I should have come back from Surrey.

It's just, Helen and her mother wanted-

- You gotta do for your family. That's how it is.

- It's got to burst.

Whenever this is,

this rain cloud hanging over us.

Oh Christ I've gone all serious.

Which case it probably is time to leave.

You can take it from here anyway. She'll be fine now.

- You know your trouble bey?

"Eat before cider. Or the cider eats you."

- A very fine point.

- Jeffrey!

You'd be in charge anyway, wouldn't you?

If it comes down here.

So you make sure it's all right.

- You're gonna be fine.

- You know you're bloody irritating as hell.

- I'm going, I'm going!

- No, shut up a minute.

You're the only one I trust with my girls.

- Nothing's gonna happen.

- Swear it.

- Although it has been less than a month

since the discovery of foot and mouth in Essex,

the Ministry of Agriculture admitted today that this

was an epidemic on a potentially huge scale.

The government's chief scientist and chief vet told

reporters it was much worse than the last outbreak

in Britain in 1967.

In order to stop the rapid spread

of the disease across the country,

the government has decided to extend the policy

of contiguous cull and that all animals within

a three kilometer radius of an infected farm

are to be slaughtered and then burned on site.

The nationwide ban on all livestock movement

is to remain in place.

- Oh fuck.

- Herriot!

Herriot!

- Give me a minute. I just need to talk to him.

- Just him!

You lot don't step one fucking toe on my property!

- Michael. Can you not please?

Is that thing loaded?

- Get in, you fanny.

'Scuse the mess, butler's on holiday and all that!

There's one over there look, by them papers.

- What?

- Mug, probably need a rinse mind.

Got milk, sugar, the works.

Soon as I get this bugger lit.

- I don't want any tea.

- Even got me little saucepan look.

Egg? I'll do you an egg?

- No, thank you.

- But you love a dippy egg!

Tell you what, while I do me Gordon blur, where is he, ah...

Be a good boy. Roll this fag.

- Michael, what are you doing.

- Roll us a fag!

- You can't go round threatening people with a shotgun!

- Well it's just a threat innit?

Come on Herriot. You don't half look a tit you know.

Take that stupid jonny off and roll us a fag.

I'm gaspin'.

"Go to work on an egg".

That's what they say, do you remember that one?

"Go to work on an egg". Clever that.

Thinking of getting chickens again.

Used to have 'em

but it's a bugger keeping the foxes from getting 'em.

Get out in the morning,

find fucking chicken confetti everywhere.

Still, nice having chickens innit though,

clucking about the place.

Make it seem a bit more Darling Buds of fucking May.

- Here.

Oh, ta!

Are you okay?

- Oh yeah. Tip top me, top of the pops, now I got you here.

- It's almost nine.

They're supposed to, well at nine they start.

- For fuck's sake.

- Here.

- Cheers mate.

We should get that pan on.

Was going to do your dippy egg, weren't I?

- Or a coffee.

- Why in fuck would I have fucking coffee out here?

This look like the fucking Ritz hotel?

- Well I don't know what you got stashed in your cool box!

- You're in a bloody cattle shed, mate.

- You were gonna make tea.

- Yeah, tea. Tea's normal, innit?

- Oh, excuse me,

one minute you're Gordon blur doing me a dippy egg-

- Do you want a dippy egg?

- Not really.

- Do you want a cup of tea?

- No.

- Well off you fuck then!

- Hi.

- That your little friends, is it?

- We're just talking. Hang on, I'll be out in a minute.

- Um. You stay here and make the tea.

I'll go and talk to them.

- Right?

- I'm coming now.

- It's just me.

- They going?

- They want to call the police.

I'm gonna have to let them in.

- No wait-

- It's nearly nine o'clock, Michael.

- You got your doodah, mobile?

Got the number here somewhere.

- For MAFF?

- What have they told you?

Just keep banging on if I don't let the arseholes in

I won't get no compensation.

But it's not about the fucking money is it?

It's like talking to a brick wall.

- I've heard the money.

Well, it's kind of a respectable offer.

- Nah. Got you here now han't I?

You can talk some bloody sense into 'em.

- I don't what I can say.

Jesus Christ-!

- Just tell them you done the tests,

they'll listen to you won't they?

- I don't think you'll get anywhere with MAFF.

This is national policy. It's coming from MAFF.

- But it...this, what's happening's

all on account a Ellacott's herd,

just cos we share the hedge by the stream.

But there's no cows in that field.

Hasn't been for months. That can't be right can it?

- No, but-

- So we'll tell em. You tell 'em you know me Jeffrey

and I've had them disinfectant baths out for weeks.

And the mats, washed the gates.

You could eat your dinner off them fence posts,

amount of time I scrubbed 'em! They're not ill.

- No.

- So we'll tell them.

- I don't think it's gonna make-

- You're playing silly buggers now, are ya?

- Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food.

How can I help?

Hello?

Hello?

- You happy? Are you? Pleased with yourselves?!

- What's going on?

- Look at the state of him.

All this fucking soot and ash.

Poor little buggers don't stand a chance.

Not that they care.

They won't be happy until

the whole fucking country's on fire!

- He's not dead. No. Still breathing.

- Is he?

- Hmm? Just dazed I think.

- Poor little thing.

Let's put him over here look,

and he can see some sun when he wakes up.

- Dapper little chap.

What sort is he?

- What sort?

- The bird.

- For the cleverest bloke I know,

you don't half know fuck all.

Quail.

- Quail.

- Come on then. There you go. There you go.

Come on. Come on.

The state of all this.

Old Sheils'd go batty she seen what it done to her nets.

- Yeah, it's been driving Helen mad.

Holly came in covered, it was all over her bike.

- All this from Ellacott's?

- Yep.

- That was you, was that?

- Yes.

- Where's the phone to?

Must have got cut off.

Where's that number?

- Michael?

I'm going to have to let them in.

- You what?

- I, I've been trying to tell you.

- Don't be daft, we're gonna get all this sorted look.

- This is national policy.

- But you know the right things to say.

- It doesn't work like that.

- Oh, come on bey this don't make no sense.

You tested all my girls yourself. Right?

And all those tests come back negative, right?

- Yes. But-

- Then why have I got this?

This fucking shitty little bit of paper,

telling me that every living thing within three miles

is gonna be slaughtered? You tell me that.

- The order's from the top-

- Order's from the top?

They can't just waltz here and do what they like.

- Yes they can. That's exactly what they can do.

- But this is my farm.

- I'm sorry.

- But there's nothing wrong with any one of my girls.

Is it?

Is there?

- Doesn't matter.

The government have decided.

- Oh have they?!

Well trot along like a good little boy taking orders!

- I haven't got a choice!

- Bollocks have you!

Come on bey. You and me, we hold our ground

and we'll fucking Butch and Sundance the lot of them!

Yeah?!

- No.

- No? Fucking no?

- It's out of my hands, Michael.

- Out of your hands?!

It ain't right! It ain't right!

- Michael! I've never seen anything like it!

It it, it's like a war!

It's just bleeding across the countryside

and they can't contain it.

- Well it's not here! There's nothing wrong with my girls!

You said so yourself!

- Doesn't matter!

It's chaos!

Last week, the slaughter team in Moretonhampstead

spooked the herd so badly they started

trying to jump the hedges!

Two calves drowned in the river.

And, and they just went ahead and built a pyre.

And, and, and you could hear them.

Not all those cows were dead.

They, they, they hadn't stunned them properly or God knows.

I- I won't let that happen to you.

Please Michael, let me do it properly.

If I don't do it, they'll just hire in someone else.

- Works picked up for you, something chronic, innit?

- How can you think that?

- Pays well, does it?

Yeah, plenty of work for you now.

Well that's all it is.

Whatever they're paying you, I'll double it.

Alright?

- Oh shut up Michael.

You've no idea what you're talking about.

- Don't I?

- No, you don't.

- Jeffrey!

Jeffrey!

Yeah. You come back here!

I don't believe you! You haven't got it in you!

You look me in the eye and tell me what

you're going to do my girls.

Come on Doctor Crawford.

You're going to go into the south shed,

you're going to take the newborn off of Dotty.

Take little Victoria outside,

her legs are still a bit unstable

and she'll be scared an' all,

so you might have to carry her. And then what?

- She'll be stunned with a bolt gun.

- Ah, that it? Come on Jeffrey.

- I'll shoot her with a bolt gun here.

Make sure that the bolt penetrates her frontal cortex.

And then I'll push a plastic rod into the hole

into her brain and down into her spinal cord

to make sure that she's dead.

- And then you'll sling her on a pyre and burn her.

- Do you think I want to do this?

- You swore to me, Jeffrey. You swore.

Oi! You get off my farm or I'll blow your bloody head off!

- Calm down!

It's all right. It's under control.

Let me help you.

- Help? You won't do nothing.

- There's nothing I can do!

- Spineless, gutless.

You're a worm of a man. You know that?

A fucking waste of space.

Waste of time I had bothering with you.

- Come on. Put it down.

- Why?

Why shouldn't I blow your head off?

Do everyone a bloody favor.

- Right! That's it.

We're calling the police.

- Wait! Stop!

There's no need.

It's not loaded.

- Please Jeffrey.

Nothing's making any sense.

- I'm so sorry.

- Please don't let them take my girls.

- Michael.

- No! Wait!

Just wait!

Hang on! Just wait a minute!

Breed and Female Champion, Devon County Show.

That one's Dotty.

First, First, Best in Show

Want you to show 'em these.

Best Heifer in Milk 1956, that was my Dad's Lillibett, look.

Champion Dairy Pair 1992, that was Amy and Jojo.

92's when your Holly fell in love with that bay foal

and begged and begged us till we brought it back

from the show, what was it called?

- Chamomile.

- Chamomile. That's it.

And Sheila made that horrible angel thing out of butter.

Half melted by the time we got there.

You remember that Jeffrey?

- I remember.

- They're my girls. That's all I got.

- Michael!

No!

- Hello? Hello!?

I got my shotgun, so don't go playing silly buggers, ay?

Just ghosts is it? Well that's about right.

Oi! I'm warning you!

Fuck's sake.

This some kind of joke, is it?

What do you want?

You're not welcome here.

I should blow your fucking head off.

- Please do.

- Shut up.

- Blow my head off.

- Shut up.

Stop talking stupid things.

Oh, she finally kicked you out, has she?

God knows you've been asking for it.

Why'd you come here?

Jeffrey!

Why'd you come back here?

- Always used to come here.

- Oh, it's a social visit is it?

Well, fan fucking tastic.

Let's have some tea and fucking scones.

Oh, while we're at it, here's a funny thing.

Zara's guts burst all across the yard.

Just fucking everywhere with flies and maggots,

cos your little friends didn't see fit

to clear up after themselves.

Just left my girls out there in a great heap.

The smell got so bad you could smell

it all across the house, no escaping it there weren't.

Imagine if old Sheila had seen that?

Been cattle on this farm for nearly two hundred years.

Then it was all gone. In about an hour.

Go on, get out and don't you dare come back.

Hey, you bastard. You get out of it! Go on!

Jesus I heard you were bad, but fuck me.

What? What have you done?

Is that all yours?

- I crashed.

- Fucking idiot! Yeah you all right?

You broken anything?

- The windscreen is broke.

- Yeah, fuck the windscreen.

- I think it might be a write-off.

- Where'd it happened?

- Creber's Lane.

- And you didn't hit no-one?

- No.

- Oh no! Come on, sit up Jeffrey.

- Get off!

- Alright.

- You can sit down but you got gotta stay awake.

- It's late.

- Yeah. And you probably got concussion.

Oh, the state of you, Jeffrey.

Fucking state of this.

What were you thinking?

- I have to go to Dorking.

- Where the bloody hell is Dorking?

- Surrey. She's taken Holly, gone to her mother's.

I'm not even going to see her on Christmas.

She's my daughter too.

- Shut up feeling sorry for yourself.

I don't wanna hear it.

- Smells.

- For the newborns, innit.

What the fuck are you doing?

- I smell.

- You do smell as it happens.

You smell to high heaven like a fucking brewery.

- Nobody wants me here.

- What do you expect?

Should just leave you here to rot.

- Go on then.

- You what?

- Fuck off.

Leave me here to rot.

- It's as good as you deserve.

Don't notice you're kipping in Ellacott's barn.

They wouldn't fucking piss on you if you were on fire.

I'm the only bloke stupid enough to bother with you

and look where that got me.

Where you going?

- Going away.

- How far you think you'll get in this weather?

End up dead in a field come morning.

- Good.

- Oh, grow up Jeffrey.

You're bleeding for fuck's sakes.

Sit down.

Okay fine.

Off you pop and good fucking riddance.

And don't you dare come back here.

Fuck's sake, Jeffrey!

- Get off!

- I'm trying to help you, you baby.

- Leave me alone!

- This is you all over this is.

What, sad cause no one likes you no more?

Poor Jeffrey. Boohoo. Boo fucking hoo!

Everyone took to you when you first got here, didn't they?

After first five minutes, Pub Quiz, Fun Run,

fucking lovely house, beautiful little girl-

- Well I got fuck all now.

She's selling the house.

No wife.

No girl.

No car.

Well a car with a lot of tree in it.

I'm suspended. "Compassionate leave."

And I'm a social pariah.

- You're a fucking whinging bastard and all.

I'm not laughing.

- How are you?

- You fucking joking?

- You keeping well?

I've been having a little trouble Michael.

With everything.

Sorry.

Sorry to disturb your evening.

- For fuck's sake, Jeffrey!

Sit down.

- It's cold.

- Yep.

Duck pond's frozen.

There ain't no ducks in it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Wakey wakey!

What's the capital of Sweden, Jeffrey?

- Oslo.

- Right. Who sang...I don't know...something?

- Lulu.

- Yeah. Very good.

Who wrote War and Peace?

- Lulu.

- Did she? Fuck me.

- I hated it you know?

- Yeah. I don't want to hear it.

- I had to do such horrible things.

- Who - And I'm sorry.

- Who won Euro-

- Michael, I'm so sorry about it all.

- Who won Euro '88?

You're always shit at the sport ones.

- I feel sick.

- When was the last time you actually ate anything?

Do you even know?

Christ.

Go on then. Take them.

They're beef flavor.

So it's a bit like dinner.

I haven't got much else in.

Sheila'd give me a right ticking off

having just crisps for me dinner.

God, she was here now,

she'd go ballistic at the state of you.

She'd bloody drag you in the house, shouting her head off,

shove you in a hot bath,

probably give you a load of my clothes.

We was in Tavvi once, saw a wino wearing my tweed jacket.

"Charity begins at home", she said.

She was a wonderful woman.

- She was.

- Church kicking out. Should've gone, really.

Carol singing's the only good bit, innit?

- Oranges with the candle.

- Oh yeah. I do like the oranges with the candles.

Watch the kids from St. Mary's

fucking up their lines in the nativity.

- Remember when you were Father Christmas?

Sitting in your grotto in the village hall?

- Don't push your luck.

- Holly worked it out.

- What?

- It was your voice.

She said why would Father Christmas have a Devon accent?

- Fair point.

- What was the song?

"You boys and girls won't get any toys!" That one.

- When Santa got stuck up the chimney.

- Santa stuck up the chimney.

♪ He began to shout ♪

♪ You boys and girls- ♪

- Girls and boys.

- Go on then.

- Fuck off.

I don't remember.

- Bollocks.

♪ When Santa got stuck up the chimney- ♪

- With the actions.

- Do you want me to do it or not?

- Sorry.

♪ When Santa got stuck up the chimney ♪

♪ He began to shout ♪

♪ You girls and boys won't get any toys ♪

♪ If you don't pull me out ♪

♪ My beard is black, there's soot in my sack ♪

♪ My nose is tickley too ♪

♪ When Santa got stuck up the chimney ♪

♪ Achoo, achoo, achoo ♪

- Can I come in the house?

- I don't know yet.

♪ I heard ♪

♪ I heard you got it bad for me♪

♪ You hid it so well ♪

♪ So well that I could barely see ♪

♪ Now I know ♪

♪ And it's more than a little crazy ♪

♪ Don't you know ♪

♪ I've been dreaming that you'll be my baby ♪

♪ I can barely breath ♪

♪ I can't wait to see you ♪

♪ I can almost taste it ♪

♪ 'Cause I know it's gonna be ♪

♪ So sweet ♪

♪ Sweet as sugar ♪

♪ Always on my mind ♪

♪ So bad ♪

♪ Nothing sweeter that I'll never find ♪

♪ I wanna sing ♪

♪ Wanna sing sing ♪

♪ Wanna sing ♪

♪ Wanna sing sing ♪

♪ Let's sing ♪

♪ Let's sing sing ♪

♪ When I was a little girl ♪

♪ Little girl ♪

♪ You got the game ♪

♪ You got the goods ♪

♪ You don't got nothing nothing, nothing ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me ♪

♪ I rigged the game ♪

♪ Misunderstood ♪

♪ So you better get running running, running ♪

♪ Look at me, look at me, look at me ♪

♪ Yeah yeah! ♪

♪ I say hey boy, sitting in your tree ♪

♪ Mummy always wants you to come for tea ♪

♪ Don't be shy, straighten up your tie ♪

♪ Get down from your tree house in the sky ♪

♪ I wanna know just what it do ♪

♪ Is it very big, is there room for two ♪

♪ I got a house with windows and doors ♪

♪ I'll show you mine if you show me yours ♪

♪ Gotta let me in ♪

♪ Hey hey hey ♪

♪ Let the fun begin ♪

♪ Hey ♪

- I said we shouldn't hire Dodgy Dave.

- David is the finest disc jockey this side of Exeter.

- He's cheap, you mean.

- That's by the by.

- He works on the waltzers.

- Wooo, Sorry Princess Margaret.

- Holly's having a blinding time eh?

- Yeah.

- Gorgeous, isn't she?

- Of course.

- Don't get that from you.

When she walked down that aisle was like an angel

walked in the room, made my heart stop.

Should be proud of your girl.

- I really am.

- Should be.

What the fuck's he doing here?

- Who?

- Fucking Ellacott.

Not enough he's selling up to the highest bidder,

now he's got his snout in my buffet!

Bloody shameless bastard.

- Leave it.

- Look at him! With his cheeks full of my teriyaki skewers.

Can buy his own now couldn't he?

He can fucking afford it.

- You can't blame him.

- Where's it leave the rest of us eh?

Fucking houses everywhere.

Wake up one morning, go for a piss

they'll be a supermarket opened up in me toilet.

- Michael. Not now.

- Oh come on.

You gotta have a fight at the wedding. It's tradition.

Get this lot something to go up at.

- God, Helen's new bit's a jumped up tosser isn't he?

- He's an estate agent.

- Course he fucking is.

- Apparently they're considering taking the plunge.

- Ah sod 'em. You're best off out of it mate.

She hasn't half got an arse on her these days.

- She has stacked in on since the divorce.

- Yeah, mother of the bride.

More like fucking Free Willy!

Good on you bey, not letting that batch of bastards

upset you, like bloody mother-in-law,

HMS Pinafore over there.

- Barbara? Old Barbara's been having a field day.

"Orange juice is it Jeffrey? Well that does make a change!"

She never did like me.

- She's another one fucking boring as sin,

lording it over everyone with her too much perfume and her,

what's it? Plumes.

I said to her, I said,

"what you come as, love - Admiral Nelson"?

- You didn't say that.

- I did!

- Ha! Well, good. Bollocks to her.

- Bollocks to her!

- Shhh!

- She never had to do an ounce of all that whatnot you did.

See bey, she was born a posh old twat

and she'll die the same an all.

There's no twelve steps for that.

Anyway. Lord of the manor you now?

- Hardly.

- We done alright. We'll double the herd by next year.

Fix the roof...

- Go organic, get a hot tub.

♪ You got the sound ♪

♪ You lift me up ♪

- Oh Pipa is a lovely woman innit she?

I said to her I said,

"You got a look of Gina Lollobrigida, you.

You ever hear that sweetheart?"

She's not married to him, is she?

- Pipa? Yeah she is.

That's my cousin Steve.

- Huh?

- Gina Lollobrigida.

Fuck me, they don't make them make that anymore bey.

You think they'd get to a certain size

and she wouldn't be able to keep her balance no more.

That's remarkable.

See, Sheila had a good pair on her

but then she had the backside to, you know,

act like a counterbalance, sort of thing.

- See you Jeff!

- Cheers, Steve! See you on the 14th!

- What's happening on the 14th?

- Michael!

Michael.

- You can tell that Steve he can fuck a whistle for it!

Sick of these people.

- Hang on!

- Why are you always fiddling with the house?

- I'm not!

- I let you move in out the goodness of my heart

and suddenly it's all bloody 'insulate' that

and 'floorboards' this.

- It's just evaluation.

I mean why not explore some options?

Steve reckons if we convert just one of the barns,

then we're sitting on acres of real estate.

- I'm sitting on my farm. Alright?

- Our farm.

Come on.

You're missing the party.

- I fucking hate 'Grand Designs' Jeffrey.

- I know.

- How come it's always fucking on?

Night and day. It's all they ever show,

have its own bleeding channel soon.

- I didn't mean we'd actually

get Grand Designs, round-

- You better fucking not!

We're not having 'Grand Designs' round here,

fucking putting bidets left right and center.

♪ I'm feeling so good ♪

♪ Feeling so good ♪

♪ Reaching out to the weekend ♪

♪ Feeling so good ♪

♪ I'm feeling so good ♪

♪ Put your hands up for the Friday feeling ♪

- Just thinking it's a shame old Sheils ain't here.

She bloody loved a wedding. Bloody loved a buffet and all.

- She was a wonderful woman.

- She was.

- Why can't I have a farm Jeffrey?

Why does everything have to be a bloody conference center,

fucking spa, barn conversion.

People still gotta eat don't they?

Still gotta grow plants,

can't do that in a test tube yet can you?

I don't understand people no more.

- It's just a way we could actually make some money.

You know how it's been.

Soon be winter again and we'll be back to living

by the Rayburn 'cause every other room's

got damp patches turning to ice.

Roof's leaking.

The windows are so creaky

they're basically held together with cobwebs.

I mean why not use the barn?

Just use some of the land.

It's better than having it fall apart, isn't it?

- Bloody washing and ironing and playing char lady

to a load of posh twats?

- But nothing's working.

Look, we tried, and we couldn't have done more,

but milk prices just keep folding.

- What?

So we just give everything up to people that's come down

here and treat this whole county like it's a fucking hotel?

Like it's all been put here for their weekend

and their postcards.

You don't let 'em come down here and bully you.

I heard the lot of 'em.

"Oh isn't it lovely. It's like an oil painting."

But it's not a painting is it? It's proper.

It's actually here.

Ten years ago they would've been ankle deep in cow shit.

- And now we've maybe got a couple of months left.

- We would double the herd, go organic-

- With money from what?

We're tapped out.

This was the last of it.

Dunno what else we can do.

Enjoy the party. I suppose.

- ...have sufficient building materials

for their dream home but cannot afford the labor cost.

Unable to borrow more from the bank,

They've decided to build a house themselves,

but with absolutely no experience our builders

wonder how wise this decision might turn out to be,

I went to visit them in Staffordshire to find out.

- What the hell?

- Shut up. You're making yourself cough.

- Old Sheila wet her knickers,

she saw you standing there like that in her coat.

- Yes. Well someone chucked mine in the slurry pit.

- Did they?

- Yes they did.

- Imagine you was been a knob.

- You imagine.

- Hang about, you're not wearing her knickers too is you?

Is that what's wrong, you got your knickers on too tight?

That's it! It's cutting off circulation to your brains?

- Very droll.

Where's your tablet?

- I don't want a tablet.

- Did you want some water?

- Bollocks some water. You wanna be useful, roll us a fag.

- Absolutely not.

- So what difference it gonna make now, eh?

- This is a pissing stupid idea you know.

- Roll us a fag.

- You'd be far more comfortable in bed.

- Get on, bed! Best views in Devon up here.

God's own country this is, Jeffrey.

- Lucky you can't see the diggers from up here.

- Diggers?

- Bottom end of Church Lane.

They're building a new estate.

- Christ and Baby Moses in a basket.

- Heard what they're gonna call it?

I'm not sure I should tell you, actually.

It's not good for your blood pressure.

- Let me guess.

Dingley Nightingale Twinkle fucking Glade?

- Worse.

- Honeysuckle Badger Sparkley Lane?

- "Shepherd's Dell".

- "Shepherd's Dell"! Oh Christ!

Where's me shotgun?

Fucking shoot me in the head now that I live to see

Shepherd's - what the fuck's a 'dell'?!

- I think it's where pixies live.

- Nah, pixies. Christ.

What is wrong with people?

- The irony being,

the shepherd's working on the building site.

- Who's that? Shane, whatsit?

- Shane Dempsey.

- Dempsey, is he?

- Apparently.

- You best keep your distance then.

- Why?

- Don't remember do you?

- Oh god. What?

- Well, back when you was, you know, being a drunk wanker.

- Alcohol dependent.

- You tried it on with Shane Dempsey's missus

in front of everyone,

including him in the beer garden of the Drake.

- Hmm? Is that all?

- Well you didn't have no trousers on at the time, see?

- I didn't?

- No, you sicked up down yourself,

so you saw fit to take then off and fling them in a tree.

- Oh shit.

- Ruined their Carly's Sweet 16, that did.

He nearly battered you to death in the car park.

Still. I laughed.

- Sorry.

- So he's on the building sites now is he? Shame.

I've changed my mind.

I don't want to be buried in the church yard no more.

I want to be stuffed and put in that bottom field

so I can scare the out of everybody in Shepherd's Dell.

- Or I could just bury you with your arse sticking out.

- Oh yeah. Give you somewhere to park your bike.

- Nah, it's too much work.

Just sling you in the compost bin.

You'll mulch up lovely come spring.

Do you want some water?

- Tea.

- Here.

- Oh, I forgot.

I got you a present.

Look.

We got loads.

We should get them in some vinegar

and have a conker tournament.

- Ah, that's a beauty.

Look at that Jeffrey.

Magnificent innit?

- Yes it is.

It's getting late.

We should think about getting you home.

- Oh, let's stay out a bit longer eh?

- You'd been up here ages.

Besides dinner will be ready soon.

I've made Cheesy Bean Crunch.

- I hate cheesy bean bollocking crunch.

- There's protein in beans.

It's good for you.

- You'll finished me off with your bloody rabbit food.

- Actually Michael,

rabbits eat their own mucus covered cecal pellets

as they emerge from the anus.

- You're a flithy bastard.

- Goosey Fair day today, can you believe it, already?

Comes around quicker and quicker.

I used to take Holly until she got to cool to go with me.

I bought her a great big plastic tiara one year,

flashing lights all over it,

she wouldn't take it off.

Really annoyed Helen, which was a bonus, of course.

She was outraged I'd bought her something so 'gaudy'.

But that's the charm of a fair though isn't it?

It's sort of, gloriously...shit.

Helen always wanted it to be like

something out of Jane Austen.

- Trev won a goldfish one year on the shooting gallery.

- Don't know how I feel about that.

- Don't worry about them.

Hard as fucking nails fairground goldfish,

could fight a dog.

Lived in a vase for the first six months.

He had that fish for bloody years,

lasted till he went to college.

- What was it called?

- 'Marty Maraschino'.

She's buried in a matchbox beneath the rowan tree.

It's from Grease, pink ladies and all that,

you ever watch that film?

- Oh a loop. Holly loved Grease.

- So did Trev.

- Be good if he came to stay one weekend?

I've got his email.

- Yeah. Perhaps.

- Well. I'll see when him and Jack are free.

What now for us then? Hmm?

Get the bonfire lit, toast some crumpets?

Or some sort of Pagan orgy?

I'll phone Mrs Tebbs from the post office,

get her to bring her sister Eunice?

I hear she'll do anything for a custard slice

and a game of bingo.

- Smell that?

Autumn.

Smells like smoke and frost and wet moss.

Should get that bonfire lit, dry spell won't last.

Sheila'd always bake me a blackberry crumble.

- She was a cracking cook.

- Oh, she was.

That's how come she had an arse the size of Tiverton.

Remember that new year she come up here,

all that fuss she made coming up here in them stilettos?

- Why was she wearing stilettos?

- Showing off to your Helen wasn't she?

Great night that was,

sitting up here watching the fireworks.

- Helen got so pissed she kept calling it 'the min-ellium'.

Happy Min-ellium!

- Happy Min-ellium!

Used to bring old Sheils up here when we was first courting.

- Oh, that's nice.

- And we'd sneak back to the barn for a fumble.

Bloody gorgeous she was.

Love of my life.

Bloody hurry up and find yourself a bird, Jeffrey.

You find yourself a good woman, you'd be happy.

- I should. God help me.

The only fanny I've seen in years is you.

- I never moved house. I ever tell you that?

- Yeah. You did.

- Born upstairs.

- Well, I didn't know that.

- Mm. My mother was back milking the cows within the hour.

We had a good run, didn't we Jeffrey?

- You finished your tea?

- Muddled through and all.

- Life of Riley. Telly in the kitchen.

- Telly in the kitchen!

Sheila'd never let me have a telly in the kitchen.

There you go, some dreams do come true.

Come on, my bean crunch is gonna burn.

- It's all yours.

The house.

- It's gonna get far too cold up here

if you don't get a move on.

- No, I said the house is yours, Jeffrey.

- Yeah. Don't be daft.

- I know I ain't been the easiest bloke to live with.

- You're a colossal and perpetual pain in the arse.

- No, you're a pain in the arse.

- I am. Now come on. It's getting cold.

- Yeah. Lucky bastard eh, to have had all this.

Have a woman like Sheila and, be here, have a life here,

never wanted to go anywhere else you know.

Went to Coventry once.

- Oh yeah?

- It was fucking awful.

Still you can go anywhere you like though eh Jeffrey?

You do that.

- Don't be such a girl.

- What's the longest river in Africa Jeffrey?

- The Nile.

- Is it?

- You are a terrible quizmaster.

- Yeah.

Mmm. What you'd call a baldy git in a stupid coat?

- Very good.

- Hey listen.

Come on Jeffrey.

Even you know this one.

- It's a nightjar.