Original subtitles

- Quick, quick, quick!

Come on, come on, come on!

Oh my god, oh my god!

Quick! Quick!

Oh no! Fuck's sake.

Oh my god!

Okay, fuck it! Fuck it!

Go! Go!

Oh, the fucking wankers.

- Hey!

- Oink, oink, oink.

- Fucking wankers. - Bye!

- Hello beautiful people.

Today we are talking about a very exciting upcoming.

- It's our biggest yet.

It's our biggest heist yet.

- Biggest heist yet.

- And it's gonna be so sick.

- Tackling those capitalist bastards.

Taking them down. - We're just teasing you.

We're just teasing you. - So good, can't wait.

- It's gonna be so good. - Gonna look so sick.

- What the fuck is this guy doing?

- Oh my God.

What does he think he is?

- You can't park there, mate.

- Alright sweetheart.

Don't get emotional about it.

Come on.

- What the fuck? Did he just call me emotional?

Come on!

Quick! Quick! Quick! Quick!

Wait, wait.

- Oh shit! Oh shit!

- How do you fucking drive an automatic?

- I don't know!

- Oh! Oh!

- On.

- Yes, sick.

Yo, team.

- And here, okay.

This is on. - Selfies!

- Ah, oh look. There she is!

- Hi! - Hi!

- Do I actually look good? Yeah?

- Yeah, babes.

You look, of course you look flawless.

- Oh, as do you, honey. - Oh, thank you, yeah.

- We always slay and no one knows how pretty we are.

Fuck! Sorry guys.

- I'd rather that than be in jail there, babes.

Oh God.

- Oh, it's just gorgeous isn't it?

- Do you know what I love around here?

- What? - The fresh air.

I can't get enough of it. - Yeah.

And you can actually tell the difference.

- Yeah. - Do you know what I wanna do?

I wanna taste the water. The tap water.

- Oh yeah, the tap water. I wanna wash my hair.

- Yeah. And then it goes all nice.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah. - It goes softer doesn't it?

- And we will do that.

♪ Don't make the same mistake ♪

- On a very empty road.

- I don't know how anyone lives around here.

Like, all you see is leaves.

- Leaves and sheeps. - Leaves and sheeps.

- Leaves and sheeps, and leaves and sheeps.

Oh wow. Look at this.

Look at these flowers on this wall.

Okay. I didn't get any of that. You drove so fast.

- Sorry.

I'm sorry, lovey. - Speeding!

- Ah!

- You're gonna get a speeding ticket, babe.

- Oh my God. Did that boy reply by the way?

- No. - I knew it!

- I know. - Sack him off.

- I know.

- No, it was like actually boring, you know?

- Do you know what? He was a really bad kisser as well.

- Yeah, I can- - You know?

- Yeah, thin lips.

- Straight with the,

straight in with the tongue and the teeth.

- Oh, with the teeth? - Yeah, I know.

- I think, why are you kissing me with your teeth?

- I know! - But why? What are you doing?

Get your teeth outta my fucking mouth, mate.

Ow. Ow.

- Yeah, to be fair.

Do you remember Johnny?

- I do remember Johnny.

- He did- - I fucking hated Johnny.

Sorry,

- Well, he messaged me the other day.

- Why?

- He messaged me the other day.

because obviously, babe, why do you think?

I mean-

- I thought that was done, man.

- I know, same. But he's really hot.

This is my dilemma.

- The thing is Johnny is ridiculously fit.

- He is so fit!

- Oh! - I know, I know.

- His eyes. Yeah.

- Leave a comment below if you have any fuckboy stories

because we love hearing about those.

- Or a soft boy. I think they're worse.

- Soft boys are worse.

- Because at least like, with a fuckboy, you know.

I know you are a fuckboy.

What was that?

- What? I thought I was a squirrel.

Oh, thank god!

I thought it was,

I thought it was one like, long rabbit.

It was a stick, guys.

- City chicks don't know what we're doing

out in this country life.

- It's a bit mad. - Look at it.

It's beautiful, to be fair.

- That's so pretty.

How do they do all those patches of field?

Is it like they different people own a different patch?

- Um...

- Alright. Hey Jeff, Sam.

Cool, cool, cool.

So we're here at last.

What a fuck morning we've had!

But it's good. It's good.

Emma and-

- Matt. - Matt, thank you.

Have just arrived and they're getting ready.

So we are gonna be shooting soon.

So I'm just doing this little video content diary thing now

'cause you wanted it.

Can you just tell Yuen by the way?

Absolutely aced it on the location. So pass that on.

So just for reference, is it gonna be black and white?

We're gonna shoot it Super 8.

Let the clients know

there is gonna be black and white. Yeah?

'Cause you're about to see a pink house.

But obviously it's not gonna look like that.

So this is what we're gonna do.

This is what we're thinking as our establishing.

We get 'em coming down the drive. They come out.

We are like, country house. Gorgeous, lovely.

Ooh, sexy, sexy, sexy.

Very French vibes.

And then, you know what?

I'm not sure whether I like the car idea anymore.

I just think it's gonna look like a fucking car advert.

- Yeah, okay.

Nick's car, we put 'em on bikes

and they come in from down there on bicycles.

- No, 'cause that's literally gonna look

like we're taking the piss outta the French.

I mean like that is literally, that is a step away

from fucking baguettes and berets, isn't it?

- Yeah, yeah. Well-

- So we're gonna go low and sort of left round.

They'll come, camera left

and we'll just do real classic Godard,

like Bosch, Bosch, Bosch.

Just go in, in, in until we're like, close.

And actually I think that's gonna look

quite sort of Wes vibes as well.

- Yeah. - What doesn't now?

- Nice. - Really, really warm out.

- We can get them. Get them in there.

We just can't have them playing tennis, obviously.

We can't have Matt playing tennis.

- What do you mean?

- Because he is going on to whatever it's called,

thingy, thingy number eight or whatever.

So any sort of injuries or whatever, we like-

- Oh, the um... - It's just not worth.

- You were talking about that action thing that he...

- Yeah, the endless franchise.

But if he gets injured then we've screwed aren't we?

So I think.

- Yeah, no I know insurance won't cover it. Okay.

- We can get 'em on there.

We just have the mic- - Fine, no.

What we're gonna do is we're gonna go real Godard on it.

So we're gonna jump cut again, do that.

But like the closeups on sort of, you know,

hands and a tennis racket and...

- Sure, sure. - You know like, nice.

Yeah, like just do you know little kind of

that could, I think that could be quite cool.

- Also Tori, what if they're rowing?

- Hattie, I like that. - Hattie, no, no.

- I think that's good. - Not with Emma.

Thank you though, Hattie. - What do you mean?

- Water on boats, in boats.

Anywhere near water or anything like that.

She can't do or won't do,

one of the many things, it's in the contract.

- Did you know that? - No.

- Well, it's just not worth.

It's just not worth even playing with it, I think.

- Get rid of that fucking sign

'cause that's gonna ruin the shot.

- What do you mean get some breeze, Tor?

- What? - Well, no,

so we get the blossom coming through the trees.

- A wind machine? - Like a wind machine?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- We are starting like, now. - Okay.

- Shall I? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Find out if they're ready.

- Umbrellas 'cause it's starting to rain.

- Cool.

- Just having a little respite at the pub.

- Games?

- You looking through all the games.

Oh my god, babe, have you seen this?

- Wow. - Rules of the inn.

- Whoa! - No thieves, fakirs,

rogues or tinkers.

No skulking, loafers or flea-bitten tramps.

- What the fuck?

- No slap and tickle, no banging,

no dogs allowed in the kitchen.

No cock fighting.

- Oh no! - No!

Flintlocks, cudgels. - Cudgels.

- Daggers and swords.

- Dagger, dagger, hand it in to the innkeeper.

- This one's you! - Oh my god.

Cast out all witches and devils.

- That have lately annoyed these parts.

- With several grievous molestations.

- Molestations. - And curiosities.

- Molestations, molestations. - Some councils directing

a due improvement of the terrible things

lately occurring in this neighbourhood

by the unusual and amazing range of evil spirits.

And they're talking about you, hon.

Let's talk about you.

Let's talk about you.

- Huh? What, what, what?

What, what? - Let's go.

- Oh, excuse me.

It's camera-ception. Ooh!

- Why is that car slowing down?

- Sorry. - That was "Inception."

- That was "Inception?" - Great film.

- Thanks babe. - So good.

I reckon we can go home now.

Oh, where the fuck are we?

We're making a U-turn.

- I think, well we see the blue dot.

- Look at the map.

Why is, what's it doing that?

- Hey, keep your eyes on the road.

- Fuck! - Thank you.

- I'm afraid do that. - Oh no, it's lost us now.

- We exist though.

It's recognising that we're somewhere.

What's that?

- Crow. - Crow.

- Crows freak me out.

You know crows have a really good memory.

- They have memories? - Yeah.

- What are using their memory for?

They're just a bird.

What? I don't...

No, you know what I mean.

- What are they using their memory for?

- What? - I dunno.

- Why would they need memory? - I dunno, babe.

Because they can remember up to like,

three faces or like four faces or-

- Oh, so they can be pets. - I don't know.

Something like that.

- That's why they need it, so they can be pets.

- Yeah. So they can be domesticated.

- Why do they need to know faces? To kill us?

I think birds are,

crows, crows want to kill us then

and they verbose their memories.

- They'll get us!

- I'm sweating.

- I'm sweating my balls off.

- Oh!

- That's just hot, isn't it? - Yeah.

- It's meant to be AC.

- It's fine. It's a breeze.

Is that guns?

- Yeah, it is.

What are they shooting? What do they shoot out here?

- I don't know. - Pheasants?

- Sheep?

- No, they don't, they don't just go around shooting sheep!

No, that's not real is it?

- I don't know! - Oh no, is it?

- I don't know!

- What do people do out here, man?

This is where death happens.

- She rolls out the poster, doesn't she?

- Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. - And she's like...

- Perfect reference. Yeah. - Okay, great.

- So yeah, maybe actually, maybe should we just,

maybe we'll just shoot one of those anyway.

- Yeah, great. - Great.

Just like get a poster and then just throw it up.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Cool.

- Can we see if they are ready?

And once you've got 'em in.

- Yeah. - Obviously small space.

So clear out.

And if you could just have a quick whizz round

on the property trying find

a properly decent spot with wifi.

- Yes. - There's nothing.

- What's this? - Still nothing.

- Yeah.

- We just have a little issue with the wifi in the building.

It must be the stone.

I think it's just a technical thing

'cause they said it was-

- What is it? Is it dropped out?

- It's dropped out completely for now.

For the moment.

- Yeah. - But it should be fine.

- But all the stuff that we already shot though.

You've already sent that over.

That went fine. Yeah?

- No, yeah. No, no, not yet.

It's all downloaded and ready to go.

I think it's just-

- Wait. What, what, what?

No, no, no, no.

What? So like the clients haven't seen anything yet?

- Not yet. - Not yet.

- What the fuck? - Yeah.

But Hattie's gonna get out there

and just find a proper spot.

- No, you have to give the...

We, that's the whole point.

That's why we had that fucking break thing.

We were- - Yeah.

- They were meant to see it. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Give me the thumbs up. - And they will.

And they will see it.

- They promised us that the wifi was super duper,

but it's not. - Yeah.

- So it probably isn't for today.

- Is that all we've gotten for today?

- Hattie's gonna go reboot everything

and she'll find the spot for it.

- Yes. - And it'll be over.

- Right, right, right. - Right, can you go and?

- Right, let's just get on with it.

- Them long a little bit now. - Yes, sure.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Yeah, so no problem at all.

We might as well just keep shooting.

Nothing you can do about that and all of sudden-

- No, yeah. - Turn it around.

- I just fucking hope that we're on the right path.

- We are. - Yeah?

- Yeah, of course we are. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Of course we are. - Okay, okay, cool, cool.

- You know exactly what you're doing.

- I think it's coming up.

We have to pull over now.

- Can you please?

Yeah, I actually really do feel like I'm gonna piss myself.

- Oh my God. Yes, fine.

I will pull over. Oh my god.

Okay, I'll pull right here actually.

- This is perfect.

Perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect.

- Okay? - Yeah. I'll be really quick.

- Indicate, indicate. - Really quick.

- You can go pee in the sheep pen.

Is it a pen? Paddock?

- Paddock. - Oh my god.

There's an eagle. What is that?

- Oh my god! - Oh my god!

- Okay. I don't have time for this.

- Okay, great. Right. - You keep watch, babe.

Stay safe while I'm gone. Don't miss me too much.

- I think take the camera. - What?

- Take the camera. - Really?

- Yeah, just film everything.

B-roll, B-roll. - Okay, great.

- I'll make sure the- - Whatever.

- Sick.

- Oh my god. I'm gonna piss myself.

Fucking hell, okay.

Here you are, babe.

Prime spot to watch me wee.

Oh.

Ah.

Hey Lou. You enjoying this?

Weirdo.

I'm sure this is really what our viewers want. Hey babe?

Just a nice shot to watch me wee.

Oh my God. It's a sheep!

Oh, hey babe.

- It's so quiet.

Oh, hurry up.

Maybe I need to wee.

Do you need to wee?

I don't need to wee.

- Ugh.

Ridiculous!

To Lou's mom and to my mom.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

This is all my fault.

I'm so sorry.

Jokes! Right.

I'm coming back to you, babes.

I'm on my way!

- Where the fuck is my selfie stick?

Maybe he chewed on it.

That's really weird.

Where is it?

You fucking twat!

Oh, you twat!

Oh my god!

- Whew!

Ugh, you do not understand

how hard it was to crawl across that whole road.

- Ah, you did something to my heart. Let's go.

- Ha, ha, ha.

Do you know where we're going?

- You're such a twat.

Okay.

- I'm getting to that like, silly point.

I really fucking need a coffee.

Where are the caterers?

- Well, we will send Hattie there and then she's-

- Hi. - Hello, any news?

- Yeah, they're coming. - Hey.

- Hey, Em. - How are you?

- Gorgeous. Beautiful, beautiful.

Fantastic. - How are you? All ready?

- Feeling good? - Pretty good.

- Yeah? - Let's do. Let's do this.

Hattie, have you got the brush?

- Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

Can you give that to Em?

Lovely. Lovely.

You're gonna be over here. - Hey Matt, how you doing?

- Hi. Good. Good. Good. - Hi. Hi.

- How's it going? - Good.

- Are you guys both okay? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Really good.

- Nice. - Okay, so let's get going.

You can you move in a little bit? Yeah.

So what we're gonna do...

- Is this? - No, well-

- No, closer. Just a little bit closer.

Yep. Yeah, so nice.

'Cause what I'm gonna do

is I'm gonna get Em in the reflection

and come over and get this lovely profile here.

Okay. Yeah?

- So with this look, what, what do we,

this is quite a close proximity to have a scene, isn't it?

- Yes.

Well, in reference to obviously the original inference.

Yes, yes. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And what are we feeling about touching?

- Intimacy. - Intimacy.

- Yeah, yeah.

- We need to have one of those chats about that.

- Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.

- I don't want to-

- What do you guys feel comfortable with?

- What are you comfortable with?

- Well, obviously we're not, you know, it's modern day.

- Yeah, yeah.

- So you have to take it through that lens, don't we?

- Yeah, a hundred percent, a hundred percent.

- So it's like, dulled down a lot.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I mean, definitely no ass touching, right?

- Are we not there yet in the relationship, do you think?

- No. - No ass touching.

- I just think demographic wise-

- A bit sort of pesty. - Yeah. Yeah.

- Fine. Fine. Fine. - Yeah, I think that's fine.

- Why would you ask that anyway?

- Just because it's about two people coming together

and testing the boundaries of the intimacy, isn't it?

- Yeah, what about small of back?

Why don't we?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- That's fine. - That's like a medium.

- Is that okay with you? - Yeah, that's fine.

- Great, and sort of shoulder.

Sorry. - That's fine. Yeah.

- Shoulders and maybe a little? Do we think?

Does this look?

- I think that's, yeah.

I think, don't worry about that.

This is, it's this, is this.

So yeah, that's gonna, that's gonna be good.

- Yeah? - Yeah. Nice, yeah.

- Okay.

- But we're gonna start with the eyebrows

'cause I love. - Yeah, I love that too.

I think it's such a nice bit to get in.

- Yeah, definitely

Start with the eyebrows.

Small of the back. Great, okay.

- Great. - Alright.

So let's go for one.

- What? - Nothing. Nothing.

- So, camera rolling.

And action!

Yeah, lovely. Matt, can you?

- There you go!

- Let's give a bit of space

so I can get this eyebrow bit, lovely.

Yep. Little bit less.

Yeah. Okay, nice.

That's nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Great. Lovely.

- Yeah, that's better. - Is it?

- Matty. - Yeah. Into that reflection.

Yeah. Nice.

And oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

That's great, guys. Okay.

Small of the back. That's nice.

Yeah. Lovely, lovely.

Yep. Little bit less.

Yeah. Okay, nice.

- More like this?

Gonna go and get sorted, I saw something.

- Hey Matt? Matt?

- Like, oh yeah, cut. - Thank you.

You okay?

- I'm okay. - What did, what happened?

- I dunno.

I like, tapped him with my brush.

- Yeah, I guess it's one of those things

you should like, talk through first or something like that.

- Oh maybe. - Yeah.

But I thought we were just improvising.

- Yeah.

- I think don't worry about it.

Honestly, don't worry about it.

It's, you know, it's a long day for everyone.

So we're all good. We're all good.

Don't worry. Honestly, it looked great.

- Yeah?

- It looked absolutely brilliant.

- I've got it. It's in the can.

So we're, you know.

- So we don't have to do that again?

- No, no. It's in the can.

I think that's, I think we can move on.

- We found a little village,

which is a bit creepy and very quiet.

- Very quiet.

- And they have a shop.

So I'm gonna go in and ask for directions.

- Mm.

I'm sorry.

It's just a bit, it's just really weird and creepy.

- That's why I'm gonna go in.

You can stay here and stay all safe.

If I die though and you let me go in on my own.

Oh my God. I'm just gonna do it.

- Be careful!

- Don't die. What if you die out here?

- Okay, I'm getting out. - Okay.

- Oh! - Okay.

- It is, it is very quiet.

There might not be anyone there.

- We'll just knock on the door and see if, okay.

See if they're in.

I'll leave you to that, babes.

I'll survey the area.

- Get some B-roll. - Okay.

Right, okay.

Oh my God. What is this little shack?

No. Oh, that's so cold!

Oh my God.

Absolutely not. No.

She's seen better days, hasn't she?

Oh my God. I didn't even notice the cows!

Oh!

Here you will see the majestic bottom of a cow.

Oh, is he just on his own?

Oh, little baby.

The flowers.

What the fuck is this?

Oh my God!

What?

- No, it's me. - Babe, that is so weird!

Oh!

- So apparently there's this,

there's this like, local myth, like a cult

and they just flog these off to tourists.

- Oh my God. It's vile.

I'm obsessed.

- Yeah. Yeah, I love it.

It's kind of cheap.

- It's giving, yeah. - I also got us these.

- Oh, I want those ones! - Okay.

Yeah, they said "Follow the road," in a Welsh accent.

- Right, okay.

"Follow the road."

- Oh, what's happened?

- That's actually a horrible sound.

Turn that off please.

Okay, let's get the intro done.

- Can we do that later?

I just wanna get there, figure out what's what and then-

- No 'cause of continuity

'cause like we should do it now while we look like this.

Afterwards, you know, you'll probably spill food

down your top or something.

- Okay. - You always do that.

- Shady.

Fine. Do it to that one.

- Okay.

And three and two and one.

- Well, hello fellow heisters.

I'm Thea and this is Louise.

- Yo.

- And welcome to our brand new-

- You are gonna hate me,

but should we just do Thelma and Louise?

- No! - Why?

- Because I don't like it! - But I'm already Louise.

- I literally said this so many times, babe.

- Why? I think it's called Thelma and Louise.

Thelma and Louise.

- No, I don't want to, I like Thea

and I wouldn't make you change your name.

- Fine. Take two and three and two and one.

- Well, hello fellow heisters.

I'm Thea. This is Louise.

And welcome to our brand new episode of "They Deserve It."

And if they don't.

- Fuck it anyway.

- Yes, and in this episode we're gonna be posing

as sweet little caterers at a wanky commercial shoot.

- Oh my God, Lou!

- What do we do? - I dunno. What do we do?

- Oh, fucking fuck!

I won't go there.

- Yeah. Do you think you can? - Yeah, I reckon.

All right, let's try.

Okay, we've got this.

All right, babe.

- Oh my God. It's tight. - Oh no! Oh!

- Okay.

Why don't you let him come pass? Yep.

- Sick. Thank you guys.

Thank you.

Oh, they hate us.

I think they don't like us.

- Or maybe 'cause we're filming them.

- Why are they judging us? It's just a selfie stick.

- Love you.

- Love you, bye!

Love you, bye!

- Okay. - And in this-

Oh.

- If you can't find it, grind it.

- And in this episode, guys,

we are gonna be posing as sweet little catering staff

at some wanky commercial shoot, okay?

And this is where they're like,

"Oh, look at us living our best lives.

"And we're so cool.

"And you guys are so lame and your lives are so shit.

"And you spend all your money to look like us."

- Yeah. - It's a load of shit.

It's a load of wank. Don't believe in things.

- It's all a scam, people.

So we're gonna get in there,

we're gonna get our thieving little hands on.

- Yes!

- Designer clothes, camera equipment.

- Yes! - Expensive tea.

Who knows what's gonna be there?

- Okay, yeah.

And then what we're gonna do is we're gonna sell everything

and donate the money to food banks

because they're who actually need it.

- And guys, you'll be glad to know

that we have got loads of cameras for this.

We are gonna be putting body cams on.

- Yes.

- We're gonna have full coverage of the whole house.

- We will not miss a thing. - Nothing!

- It's gonna be completely covered.

- It's gonna be so sick!

- Spy cams galore, guys!

- Woo! - Whee!

- Okay. It's gotta be up here.

We just follow the road.

- Well, we have absolutely no signal.

- And no other choice. - And no other choice.

- Pothole, boom.

- Oh, - Oopsy. Bad driving.

- We don't care. - Winding.

Oh God. Hurry up.

This road is long.

Oh my god!

Shall I reverse?

- Hello, mate. Hello!

- Hello!

- Put the window down. - Hi!

- I think I just felt a drop of rain.

- Go for it. - Okay. Camera rolling.

And action!

Nice and throws. Yes.

Great. Lovely.

Okay, cut.

Nice, nice, nice. We've got that.

I've got the wide.

Yeah, I think it's actually starting to rain.

- Oh, right. - Can we cut?

Can I, can I get some water?

This stuff's disgusting.

- Yeah. - Oh, of course.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- Can I get, can I get a coffee?

- Yeah. - Is that okay?

- Coffee. Two. - Black. No milk.

One sugar. Thanks.

- Let's just push in

'cause I'm a little bit worried about the rain, yeah?

- Yeah, okay. - So back to one.

- I'll do it. I'll do it. - Exactly the same, guys.

Just, I'm just a little bit closer.

Okay?

- I'm gonna give it again. - Yeah, great. It's perfect.

So yeah. Great.

Camera rolling. And action!

- Sorry, Tori. Sorry. - Yes!

- Cut! - Are you kidding me?

Seriously?

- Sneak. - What is this?

- Sorry, guys. - Really?

- Still not here yet. - They're still not here?

- Yeah. What the? - Okay.

We'll just get, go in the car now

and maybe just drive to the shop.

Stick it in the sat nav.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let's go. - Yep.

- What kind? - Just anything.

Anything you can get.

- Get gluten-free. Gluten-free.

- Okay, bye. - Yep.

- Quick as you can. - Bye, Hettie.

- Thanks, Hattie.

- Hattie? Is her name Hattie? - Yeah, it's Hattie.

- Coffee? - Yeah. It's all good, guys.

- Okay, right. Great. Cool.

I think that, I think we got that.

Yeah? - I think so.

- Great. - Okay.

- Nice one. - Let's get inside.

Set up for the backgammon scene.

- Okay. Cracking. - Cheers.

- Thank you, guys.

- Look, location sign.

That means we're actually getting close.

- Okay.

Does it?

- Oh, we're there. - Loc.

- Do we look a bit? - No, babe.

Honest to God, we'll be fine.

Just keep it cool.

Play it understated.

- Yeah. - They won't suspect a thing.

- Look, that's it. Look, it's pointing there.

That's it. No? That's it. - Should we go in?

- No one's here. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

- Okay.

- Oh my. - Is there anyone there?

- This is insane. - Whoa.

Okay, so we have arrived at a slightly creepy

but very large mansion.

- Babe, this is really quiet. - It is a bit quiet.

- Are you sure it's legit? - It is legit.

Yeah, it's legit.

Belle told me about it.

- Belle told you about it?

- Yeah, but she, it's a proper agency.

It is.

- Belle told you about it.

Then it's probably okay. Isn't it?

- I like Belle.

- Okay, cool. - She's my best friend.

- Ha ha! Ha ha ha!

I think that was a crow.

- Okay, that's fine. It's fine.

- Alright, well. - Okay. Ready?

Remember guys, respect the patriarchy and follow it.

- Because that is our mantra.

- Oh! I like that.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Keeping that. Keeping that one.

Okay, let's do it.

Shh, shh.

This is wild.

Ooh!

Getting you lots food.

Wait, we should actually...

- Oh yeah, you're right.

- Oh.

Can you take that?

- Yep.

Okay.

- Okay.

- It's really quiet.

- Yeah. Okay, babe.

Just remember, everything's on.

- You done? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah? - Is that good?

What about that one?

- Yeah? - Sick.

- Okay. Cool, babe.

Remember we're caterers, right?

Keep it nice and boring.

- Just yeah. - Hello.

- We need to be like, invisible.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Well, nobody remembers caterers anyway.

- Yeah, yeah. We're lowest of the low.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Alright.

- Right. You got that?

Here we go.

This is mad! It's crazy!

What is that?

- Ew.

- Oh my god! - Okay.

Hello? - Oh, this is mad.

- Hello?

- Babe, they're not gonna hear that.

- Hello? - Whoa! Thea!

- Hello? - Shh!

Fuck, we're meant to be invisible, mate.

- Nobody's here.

- Okay. Whoa! - Ooh. Easy, easy.

Someone's had a little party.

- Jackpot. - Oh my god!

- Oh my god! - Oh my god! Oh my god!

- Okay, let's get set up.

Hey guys, we've made it.

Oh my god. Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Look at all of this stuff!

Ah!

It's all in bags already.

Perfect!

- We just put all of that in there.

- Yeah, we'll just put it all in there.

Oh my God.

Babes, maybe forget the clothes.

- Yes!

- Hi guys.

This isn't me sporting

the spring/summer collection of duvets.

Whatever the fuck this is.

- Take it off. Take it off.

Right, we need to, um-

- Let's just, let's just put it all in the bags.

And just go.

- No mate, we need to make a whole fucking episode.

- Babe, the car's right there.

The bags are here.

We can just chuck 'em in there, that's it.

- No, no, we wanna make it look sick. Okay?

We wanna like, get all the cameras set up around the house

and it looks like we are like,

in danger and it's like, builds a tension

and then we escape and we don't get caught, okay?

And it's just like we are just-

- Oh, I think they must be upstairs.

- Wait, shh. - Okay. Okay. Okay.

- No, wait, go. - Okay, okay.

Because they're gonna fucking come upstairs.

Go upstairs, go. - Okay.

- I'll go sit up the cameras outside.

- You finish this room. - Okay.

- Okay, but just cover-

- And I'll do front and the back, okay?

- Cover everything, so- - Yeah, I know babe.

- Okay, right.

I went to the same film school as you.

I know what I'm doing.

- You didn't fucking do that

on the last job, did you?

- Okey-dokey, right.

- I feeling hard of they're there.

- I'll leave you to it in here then.

- Bitch.

Wait, mate. Shh, shh.

Should make it less obvious.

Normal, normal.

- Yeah, okay, all right.

Sure.

Okay.

- Okay.

Get the camera in place. Y'all good to go.

Affirmative.

The perimeter of the house is now covered.

- Okay. - Okay, let's go outside.

- The cameras outside, they look really good.

- Yeah?

- But I was thinking,

do you think we should redo our arrival?

- No babe. We haven't got time.

We need to do the fucking food.

- Oh. - You do coffee. I'll do food.

- Yeah. - Right.

- What is that?

- Dunno.

Oh, it looks like blood.

- Oh, that is gross!

Detective, looks like we've got

a 1067 horse side on our hands here.

Little piggy, I'll see you later.

- Thea, look at this. - What?

- I think this is the footage from the ad.

Oh shit. - Oh my God.

- Okay, keep pouring that. - The guy's fit.

- Coming back, coming back, coming back.

Right now Em, I'm just gonna move in on the tear.

- What the fuck? - This is absolute bollocks.

I bet they're getting paid a fortune for this as well.

- I kinda like it.

- Babe. - What?

- Don't get sucked into this.

This is exactly what they want you to think.

- No, I just wanna keep watching it.

- Yeah, nice.

Lovely. Gorgeous.

And then just have like a little fiddle with that hat.

Hang on. I'm just gonna come up here.

I think that's gonna be better.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes. That's the ticket.

Okay. Nice, yeah.

Matt, can you sort of just like,

have a kind of go over, so lie back down for me?

Yeah. And then just kind of like,

roll around a little bit.

And can you, can I have a, yeah?

Can I have a Humphrey Bogart again?

Yes. Yes.

Can I, can you shift your,

so away from me slightly and do it again.

- Like that? - Nope. Other way.

Away from me.

- Yeah, towards, towards me, Matt.

- Yeah, like that.

Yeah, that's it.

And then Humphrey Bogart it.

Yeah. Nice.

Yeah. Cut.

Good, great. Got it.

- Great. - Keep low.

That's it. Nice. Lovely.

And coming out.

Yes. Finding Matt.

Yeah. Nice, Matt.

Nice and moody. Yeah.

Straight to camera.

Nice. Okay.

Yep. Beautiful. Coming.

And slightly less flirty.

Just like, okay.

- Oh my God!

What the fuck was that?

- Oh my God. - That scared the absolute-

- Uh... - I wanna watch it again.

- Yeah, straight to camera.

Nice. Okay.

Yep, beautiful coming out and slightly less flirty.

Just like, still-

But nice.

- Oh! - What? Cut!

- Where is it? - Wait, go back again.

Press play.

- Beautiful coming out and slightly less flirty.

Just like, still coquetteish, but yeah.

Nice.

- Oh! - What? Cut!

- Where's it gone?

- Uh... - Okay.

Let's just watch another one.

- Okay. Yeah.

So just wait, sorry.

Can you just go back, back to one?

Yeah. Great. So rolling.

- Yep. - And action. Nice.

- Go. - And then Em you're crying,

so I'm just gonna pull back, catch that.

You're gonna stand up.

Just grab the board and kind of chuck it,

aim it just- - Tori, Tori.

We had a bit of a chat earlier.

Do you think the whole crying thing,

do you think it's, it's,

do you think it's showing

the right kind of image this day and age?

- Oh. - Female empowerment?

- Well, I mean, you know,

well she's crying because

it's kind of all just bubbling up inside.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- It's kind of got too much and it's like, ah!

- Yeah, but that's not very empowered,

independent woman, is it? I mean?

- Right. Yeah. - This is like a relationship.

This is a mutual coming together.

- It's a game. It's a game of backgammon.

- Yeah, this is a bit of fun. - You know, like, it's more-

- It just feels a bit... - It's not because, easy.

It's not 'cause he's won. - It's more...

- We're sparring, we are playing with each other.

- We're playing. - There's a fire, right?

And so there's gotta be kind of give

and take a mutual type.

- There's got to be something else.

Ooh, like. Ooh, fuck!

- You all right? - Did you just cut yourself?

- Yeah, I've just cut myself.

- You're getting blood on the clothes.

Don't get blood on it. - Got it, got it, got it.

- Em, I need to take those back tomorrow.

- Okay, put, put pressure- - Oh!

- Grey, are you... - Oh!

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh my!

- Was that real?

- No, no, it was fucking cool.

Is there any more?

Oh, here we go. This one, yes.

- Don't, don't fucking turn the camera on!

- It needs to be on!

- What do you mean it needs to be on?

- Because they need to, because for the insurance policy.

- Insurance?

Fucking camera for the insurance policy?

What are you talking about?

- He's going to be fine. He's fine.

- Don't poke-

Jesus Christ.

Um, put pressure! Put pressure on it!

It's okay. It's okay.

You're okay. You're okay. You're okay.

Can we, can we call an ambulance?

Can we, can we, Jesus?

- Babe, that's, it's acting.

It's just for the commercial.

It's definitely fake.

Let's go and look in the room and I bet you any money,

it won't be there.

It'll be fine. Come on.

How did I not see that? - Babe, that's not real.

That's just all part of it.

That is wild. Ah!

Gimme the iPad, come on.

Look.

Come here.

- It's okay. It's okay. Look at me.

Look at me, it's okay. It's okay.

Just keep as much pressure on that as possible.

It's okay. It's okay.

I promise you're gonna be okay.

We're gonna stay here.

- Em, this wasn't your fault, okay?

- Stay here.

- It was an accident.

You, he tripped or you tripped but it's all on camera.

- Don't worry. - And people will see.

- What the fuck does it fucking matter?

Can we call an ambulance?

- Because it was a fucking accident!

- Shut the fuck up and call an ambulance for Christ's sake!

What is wrong with you?

- Fine, fine.

- Uh...

- I don't have any fucking reception.

I don't have any reception.

- I've got nothing.

- I killed him! - No, you didn't.

- Can we, is there a landline? Is there a landline here?

Can we call, is there a landline? Is there?

- I don't know! - What the fuck?

There's someone here. There's someone in the garden.

Hello! Hello!

Hey! There's someone out there!

Emma, Emma, please.

Can you put some, put some pressure on this?

- What?

- Otherwise he's gonna bleed out and he's gonna die.

- What do you mean? - You, come with me!

Find a fucking phone! Find a fucking phone!

- Um, Grey, okay. You're gonna be fine.

We're gonna find someone

and we are gonna get you an ambulance.

Just stay with us. Okay?

Em? Em?

Oh, fuck! Matt!

Matt?

Matt, come on. What the fuck are you doing?

Matt?

Matt, are you, are you all right?

Matt?

Matt?

What the fuck?

- What is this, Thea?

- That's obviously just a rig or something.

- Oh my god!

- Did you not see that thing in the mirror?

- What? - That person.

- Babe, that's just a member of crew.

- That's not a fucking crew member. Look.

- Hello? - What are you doing?

- Well, I'm just gonna be,

they're just sitting upstairs like...

We've got no idea what this is.

- I don't care. I want to leave.

- They're pranking us.

They've seen our show and now they're,

I don't know, I don't know,

trying to teach us a lesson or some shit like that.

It's very clever, guys.

- That is beyond ridiculous. - It's genius actually.

Now we're gonna do crossover shows.

I bet you there's cameras everywhere.

Look, there's one right there! There's one right there!

They've been filming us the whole time.

And now they're gonna come out.

- It's a film set. - Like this was all a joke.

Come on guys, we've figured it out.

- Nothing. Let's just fucking go.

Let's just go. I wanna go.

I don't care. I wanna go.

- No, let's go look for this dead body.

Come on.

Look, babe.

- Oh, fuck's sake. - A dead body isn't here.

There's not even any blood.

It's fine.

- Yes, there fucking is blood.

Look, remember? See?

- It's ridiculous.

I'm gonna go upstairs.

- No! - Talk to the guys up there

'cause clearly they're having a laugh.

- What? No, no.

Let's do what you said, okay?

Let's just end the episode there

and let's just fucking go.

Get the clothes, get the camera equipment.

Let's just fucking get in the car and leave.

- Are you fucking mad?

- Just end it there.

- Lou, this was your idea, babe.

You wanted to stay here and get the footage

and get the content and get the suspense

and now you wanna, you wanna leave?

- You're being a fucking child.

- You're being a dick.

- No, that's not fucking fake.

- Oh my god, Lou. - It's real.

- It's not real. Okay, cool.

Look, I'm gonna go upstairs.

See, what the hell all this is about or what's going on.

You stay down here. Okay? - Oh my God.

- Because I need you to get

as much footage in there as you can.

If anything else weird happens, I wanna know about it.

All right? Cool.

- You're being a fucking nightmare.

- Okay, whatever.

- I fucking hate when she's right,

but I would really like her to be right.

Please be right.

Fucking please be fake.

Fuck, I'm losing my mind.

- Em? I think Matt's dead.

We need to get out. We need to get out of here now!

- Matt?

Matt? Matt?

Oh my god!

- Em? Em?

Open the door!

Em! Em!

Open the door, Em!

Get up!

Keep going, get away!

Okay! Okay!

Okay, okay.

Oh God.

Oh God.

Okay, what the fuck?

Please, please.

- What the fuck is going on?

Why is somebody trying to fucking kill us?

- Come on, come on please! Fuck!

Holy shit.

Oh God. Oh God.

- Hello? Hello? - Nobody's here.

- You're gonna have to. - There's no way.

- Right, so here I am in the house finally.

Very exciting.

I thought I'd better record some of my findings on here

so that I don't forget anything when it comes

to writing up the old thesis,

so what do we know? - Oh my God.

I think this was filmed in here.

- Obviously we know now

that the Druids were a much more peaceful people

than the early Christians would have us believe.

However, there was this one man,

Lord Somerton, who was not so gentle.

So...

There was a myth, a local myth,

that Lord Somerton convinced his followers

that the way to true power was through human sacrifice.

Every month at the full moon,

a woman would be taken from a neighbouring village.

They should be brought here,

they should be tied to a tree and drained of blood.

The idea being that the life force, the energy,

and the blood would flow into the standing stone.

I don't know how long I've been here.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

My name is Ash Blake.

I'm a professor of anthropology

specialising in the ancient rituals of the Celtic people

of the British Isles.

I found the standing stone of Lord Somerton.

I've come to believe that the stones

gave him an otherworldly power

and I can feel it here in this house.

I dream about the dagger every night.

Like he's calling me.

When there's a full moon.

There's always a full moon.

I need...

I feel like he's watching me.

He's pulling me in.

- Live.

- Oh God.

Oh my God!

Who is it?

- I'm with catering.

- Oh my God!

Okay, okay, okay.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Oh my god. Oh fuck.

- Okay, I've watched this.

What the fuck is it?

- You've called for someone, right?

Yeah, yeah? Help.

- No. - Okay.

Oh God. Okay, okay.

But okay, have you got, have you got reception?

Have you?

- No. - Okay.

- I haven't got any signal. - Okay, oh fuck.

- Have you seen my friend?

Have you seen my friend?

- No. No.

- Fuck! She came upstairs because she heard something

and she didn't believe me.

- No, no, no. - You haven't seen her?

Well then where is she?

- I don't know. But we, I think we have to get out.

I think we, we have to get out.

- What the fuck is that?

- I don't know. But I think he's coming.

Get me out! - Okay, it's okay.

What the fuck was that?

Can you hear that?

- Yeah. - He's coming, he's coming.

- Oh, fuck. - Can you hear that?

- Go! Go! - Oh God.

Okay.

Oh, Thea? Thea?

Oh my god.

- Quick, quick, quick, quick! - Oh my god, it's following!

- Thea! - No! No! No! No! No!

- Oh. - Why has it stopped?

- Oh my goodness. Guys, look at this room.

Oh my god, granny much.

YOLO!

Guys, there's loads of stuff.

There's loads of stuff! Yes!

Oh yes. Nice, nice, nice.

I think they're upstairs.

Cheeky fuckers!

I knew it.

I knew it.

Louise! Run!

- Thea.

- Okay, okay. Just stop, stop it.

Maybe she got away.

Go, fucking go!

- What? No.

No!

- You fucking go! - What?

- Okay, wait, wait, wait.

- Okay. - Oh my God.

- Oh fuck! Thea has the keys!

- What? - Thea has the fucking keys!

- Just fucking go! Just fucking go!

Just fucking go! Oh god!

Oh shit, no, no, no, no!

What the?

Okay, come on. Come on.

No, fuck. Wait.

Oh, fucking hell.

- Okay. - Oh, come on!

- Fuck. - Come on!

- Oh my god!

Oh god.

- Fuck.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Fuck, fuck!

Oh my god.

- Oh fuck!

Oh my god!

Oh fuck, oh!

Oh my god!

- Oh my god.

Fucking fucking fuck.

Fuck!

- Oh fuck.

Okay.

Oh my god.

Oh my god. It's all right.

Okay. Okay.

Oh fuck, no!

Fuck, I'm gonna be okay.

I'm gonna be okay.

Okay.

Oh fuck! Oh!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Jeff? What?

Fuck! No, no, no, no!

Oh fuck!

- Oh fuck!

Fuck! Fuck!

Thea! Thea!

Thea! Fuck!

Thea! Thea! Thea!

Please, please!

No, no, no.

I'm gonna get you out of here.

Don't worry. Don't worry.

- Just please go. - I'm so sorry.

- Just run. Okay? - This was all my idea.

I'm so sorry!

- Take the footage and run, okay?

- I can't, I can't leave without you.

- No, run! Go!

Please!

- Hello? Grey?

Tori?

Sorry it's taken so long.

Where the hell are they?

Hello.