Original subtitles

TED: Kids, everybody makes mistakes.

Take this girl Meg for instance.

She made a mistake, a mistake named Barney.

Yeah,

I thought I was gonna get married to my last boyfriend

but, boy, did that guy have commitment issues.

That whole relationship--

that's three weeks of my life I'll never get back.

Well, I love commitment.

I wish I could marry commitment.

I met a girl

last night. Really?

So perky and full of life

and not at all fake.

You're talking about her boobs, right?

Sí.

And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size.

What up?

(bottles clinking)

So, these boobs... Hmm.

paint me a word picture.

All right, Ted.

Imagine the heads of two Irish babies. Mmm.

Let's call them...

(blubbering through lips): and...

Please stop!

When you get married,

you start outgrowing certain parts of your life.

And for Lily and Marshall, those certain parts were,

for the most part, me.

(Lily/Ted scream)

Aaaaahh!

Why would you come in?

You heard me shaving!

I thought you were shaving your face!

Well, clearly I wasn't!

Oh! No, no!

Pay up! Ugh!

Hussy!

Guys. Hussy? What?

Guys,

it's 3:00 in the morning

and it reeks in here.

Ted said it was okay.

Ah, hey, Marshall.

You're still up?

Aren't you taking the bar tomorrow?

Discontent was bubbling under the surface,

until one day...

Ted!

How many times

have I asked you to put the lid

back on the peanut butter jar?

It's this sort of inconsiderate,

immature jackassery that makes me feel

like I'm living

in the Real World house,

and not the early years when they all had jobs

and social consciences.

I'm talking

about Hawaii and after!

I can't take this anymore!

Ted, Lily and I

are married now!

It's time!

We're getting our own place!

Actually, I left the lid off.

Sorry, baby.

But still, it was time to move forward.

So, they set out to find a new apartment to rent.

Hey, here's one.

Pre-war building, recently renovated,

hardwood floors, tons of light,

two bedroom, two bath.

Oh, yeah, but that one's not for rent.

It's for sale.

Oh, right.

Kids, your Uncle Marshall likes to say

that he made three big mistakes in his life.

This was the first.

Jump, you big chicken!

Jump! You afraidy cat!

Jump! Jump!

This was the second.

(screaming) No!

And this was the third and biggest.

We should buy a place!

What? Baby,

real estate is always a good investment.

It's not.

And the market is really hot right now.

It wasn't.

And because of my new job,

we are in such a strong place financially.

They weren't.

Because Lily had a secret...

Hi.

My name is Lily and I'm a shopaholic.

Hi, Lily.

Oh, you guys don't do that here?

Sorry.

Proceed.

I buy designer clothes and accessories

that I can't afford.

I have 15 credit cards, and they're all maxed out.

And no one

outside of this room, not even my husband, knows.

And I, I feel terrible

because all I want to do right now is ask you

where you got those shoes.

They're adorable.

We can't buy; we have debt.

Yeah, I know,

my student loans are pretty big.

I forgive you.

What?

Well...

I'm just saying as your wife, you know,

I'm cool that you spent tens of thousands of dollars

on a brand name law school.

Because I know it makes you feel good and pretty.

Let's just go take a look at this place.

Where is it?

Uh, it's in a neighborhood called...

Dowisetrepla?

Dowisetrepla.

Oh, I see, you're not New Yorkers.

Oh, actually we live on the Upper West Side, so...

No need to be embarrassed, listen,

here in New York we just shorten the names

of all the neighborhoods,

SoHo, TriBeCa, Nolita--

Oh, right.

Dowisetrepla.

No, I'm,

I'm from New York.

I know this neighborhood.

I'm down with D-town.

Oh, well, nobody calls it D-town.

Dowisetrepla

is th up-and-coming neighborhood.

And I have to tell you, for these prices,

you're not going to be able to find another...

I'm, I'm gonna stop you right there.

Don't bother with the hard sell.

This place is, is way out of our price range,

and besides, we've only just started to looking.

Is what Marshall should have said.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

I love it!

Let's get it!

MARSHALL: Thank you, guys, for coming down here

so quickly. I've never been to this neighborhood.

Kind of thought this part of town was water.

No, dude.

This is Dowisetrepla.

Dowisetrepla? Yeah.

Is that an abbreviation for something?

(scoffs)

He's from Ohio.

Dowisetrepla is

the up-and-coming neighborhood. Oh.

I think this might be the place

where Lily and I start a family.

I can see it now.

(harp strumming)

Two, three, four.

All right, bring it home, boys.

LILY: Sounds great, boys.

Who wants chocolate pancakes?

Thanks, Mommy!

(drumroll)

Man,

life is gonna be sweet!

Oh, my God, Lily, have you seen this kitchen?

I know. It's...

Isn't it amazing?

I just love it so... What the hell

are you doing?

You can't buy this place.

Lily, you have a debt

the size of Mount Waddington!

Waddington?

It's the tallest mountain in Canada.

It's like 4,000 meters high.

Meters?

(sighs) Don't let Marshall

fall in love with this apartment.

I know, I know, I know, I know,

but what do I tell him?

I-I don't know, tell him, um,

tell him you saw a ghost. Tell him it's haunted.

You really don't know Marshall at all.

(clears throat)

So, uh, the owners,

where are they? Oh.

They're on vacation in France

for two of weeks. I see.

Between you and me,

I'm also interested in the apartment.

So is there any way I could

come back later and check it out

while you're showing them other places?

The lockbox combination is

1421.

And here is my card.

Are you serious?

You're trying to snake this apartment away

from Marshall and Lily?

Ted, do you think I have no morals whatsoever?

I simply want

to fool a girl into thinking this is my apartment

so I can nail her once and never have to see her again.

I'm not a monster.

Now, listen, I don't want to put a lot

of pressure on you, but there is one other couple

that's expressed very serious interest.

I see what you're doing here.

"Another couple."

Please.

That crap is page one out of the Realtor's playbook.

And we're not buying it.

Is what Marshall should have said.

Another couple? No!

We want it. Sell it to us.

We'll give you so much more money.

Oh, Marshall, can I talk to you?

Marshall, I just...

I don't know if now is the right time to buy.

But we're not doing this for now,

we're doing this for our future.

Can't you imagine

starting a family here?

(harp strumming)

Oh, Persephone!

Oh, Daphne!

These'll be a perfect additions

to our upcoming mother-daughter exhibit at the Met.

Looks great, girls.

Who wants crêpes au chocolat?

LILY/GIRLS: Merci, papa!

So... what do you guys think?

Oh...

I love it, but Marshall,

I should have told you this a long time ago.

We can't afford to buy an apartment

because I have too much credit card debt.

I am so sorry.

Is what she should have said.

I love it. Let's get it.

Can we charge it?

To Lily and Marshall

and their momentous step forward into adulthood.

(glasses clinking) Cheers.

BARNEY/TED/ROBIN (chanting): Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Drink it!

Yes! Well done. Nice! Yeah!

Anything else?

Yes.

I've been staring at that thing for years.

Wendy,

bring me the comically large bottle of champagne

(all gasp)

Really? Are you sure?

It's never been refrigerated.

And I think at some point there was a fish in it.

Honey, once you've made the sale,

stop sellin'.

All right, but you guys have to help me carry it.

All right, let's do it.

Let's do it. Let's go. Hmm.

I know what you're thinking.

I should tell Marshall the truth.

Hey,

I've got the whole thing figured out.

We'll apply for the loan under Marshall's name,

and he'll never need to know.

And then in the meantime, I'll slowly work down my debt.

Right after I furnish the apartment.

I saw this amazing leather sofa today.

You should be a reality show.

Nice! (sighs)

Nice.

Wait!

That cork is the size of a softball

and you're pointing it directly at Wendy the waitress's face.

Is what he should have said.

(cork pops) (Wendy screams)

Now, if you're thinking of buying an apartment,

it's always good to check the place out at night.

Welcome to my humble abode.

This place is so nice.

Ah, make yourself at home.

Please, get comfortable.

If you see something you like, just take it.

Who are these people?

Uh... that's my parents.

They're Asian.

Yeah.

They're a Chinese couple that wanted a white baby.

It works both ways.

Cookie.

Wow.

Did you make those?

(chuckling): You got me.

My sisters taught me how to bake

and how to listen.

Wow.

I feel so at home here.

I'm glad.

Sometimes, I don't.

A place like this really needs a lady of the house.

I know it's early to be thinking of you as...

Oh, God, I'm freaking you out, aren't I?

It's just you make me feel so safe...

I didn't...

(both moaning)

The next day, Lily and Marshall went

to the mortgage broker to get a loan.

Hey, uh,

can we get this in singles?

Before we get the apartment I want to put in a kiddie pool

and swim around in it naked.

(both laughing)

Great, that is great!

Thank you.

Thank you.

Okay, all right, back to business.

All right, Mrs. Aldrin,

I'm going to need your social as well.

What? Why?

I mean, you already have Marshall's.

Yes, but since you're a married couple,

you'll be applying for a joint loan, so...

Well, can we just

go ahead and do it in my husband's name?

He's the head of the household.

He earns the big bucks.

I mean, can women even own property?

Go ahead, just give him your social.

Okay, my... my social is, uh...

(mutters number quickly)

Got it.

Okay.

Let's see what kind of rate I can get you two.

Under six percent. Under six percent.

Under six percent, please.

There we go. Congratulations.

You have been approved for a loan

at 18%.

No, way. That-that can't be right.

You're lucky to be getting a mortgage.

Let's get out of here, Marshall.

Hold it, I-I don't understand.

Did we do something wrong or...?

You have quite a bit of debt.

My student loans. Great.

I thought we were friends.

You know what, it's fine

to penalize me for trying

to get an education and build a career,

but I will not let you deprive my beautiful wife

of her dream home just because I...

Okay, actually, it's because of your wife's credit card debt.

Oh, my God.

Marshall, there's something I have to tell you,

and I want you to hear it from me first.

Okay, so let me get this straight.

You just snuck this girl into some stranger's apartment?

Yeah, we spent the night.

Hey, look at you.

Hey.

I'm wearing your bathrobe.

I hope you don't mind.

The only thing missing from that bathrobe

are your initials.

My mom's gonna be in town next week.

Is it okay if she stays with us?

Only if she sleeps in the bed

and I sleep on the couch.

You're so sweet.

I love you.

There, I said it and I'm not taking it back.

Oh, my God! I love you, too.

I'm finally not the first one to say it!

How about you get in the shower,

and I will make us some waffles.

Uh-huh.

(giggles)

(snarls playfully)

Works every time.

Wait.

That time that you offered to walk my dogs

when I went to visit my dad in Vancouver...

Yup.

Is that why my Yorkie trembled

for like a week after I got back?

(chuckles) Yeah.

That little guy saw some stuff I'm not proud of.

Whoa. What?

There was a fight here.

What do you mean?

Whenever Marshall and Lily have a big argument, they always

leave a trail of evidence all over the apartment.

Oh, God, here we go.

He had a detective club as a kid.

Uh, the Mosby Boys

cracked a lot of big cases.

The Mosby Boys?

You mean you and your sister.

We solved the mystery of the missing retainer.

Hmm, let me guess: it was in the garbage.

Why are you like this?

Anyway, this is serious.

I know Lily and Marshall.

All the telltale signs are here.

Like this.

A water bottle? Don't touch the evidence!

I got your back, partner.

It's not just any water bottle.

Notice the label is peeled off.

Lily always peels labels off

the bottle when she's feeling guilty.

This label is not only peeled off, but torn up.

Oh, man, she must have done something bad.

Which means Marshall must have been really angry,

and when Marshall gets really angry...

he eats.

Just as I suspected,

Cherry Garcia.

Given the liquid consistency,

I place the fight between... noon and 1:00.

Ew, that was on the floor.

If you want to get to the bottom of this,

you're gonna need a stronger stomach than that, doll-face.

Marshall stood here.

Eating and yelling, yelling and eating.

Lily stood here.

Crying.

Ew, Ted.

And then Marshall tried

to storm out...

but Lily went for the Hail Mary pass.

Which would mean...

What do you think, makeup sex?

No. There'd be a bigger mess.

Tempted as he was, Marshall was still too upset.

He had to get out of here, any way he could.

He chose the door,

slamming it behind him.

Which is why this picture is crooked.

Nice catch, rook.

I'll just, uh, take this down to the lab.

Now all we need is a motive.

The million-dollar question.

What were they fighting about?

I know what they've been fighting...

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup, bup.

There's only one possible conclusion.

Lily and Marshall were fighting about:

peanut butter. Ah.

Lily left the lid off...

then Marshall blew his.

I know what they were fighting about,

and it wasn't peanut butter.

Robin, just... I appreciate your help,

but there's a reason your name is Robin, not Batman.

Just...

They were fighting because they didn't get the loan

and it's all Lily's fault.

Robin, just... What?

Yeah, she has a pile of debt the size of Mount... Rushmore.

Nice try, Robin.

So, the next thing Lily did

was give Marshall a few hours to cool off about

the peanut butter.

Then she called him

to apologize, which is why the last number dialed is...

WOMAN (on phone): Greenstein and Lee, Divorce Attorneys.

This can't be happening.

They can't... get divorced.

Not Lily and Marshall, no way.

Well, it's been nice knowing you guys.

What do you mean? Well...

Marshall's gonna get you guys, Lily's gonna get me.

Even if they did break up, that doesn't mean

we can't all still hang out.

I mean we broke up and we still hang out. It's not weird.

It's a little weird.

Yeah, it is. It's weird.

(voice cracking): The world needs

Marshall and Lily... together.

I'm not crying, there's something in my eye.

(door opens) They're back.

Hey, hey, guys. Hey.

We have an announcement.

I know, it's a terrible idea.

You can't do it!

(voice cracking): Just look at me.

Oh...

I hit redial on the phone.

Divorce lawyers?

Oh, I should explain.

We got in a pretty big fight.

Yeah, I know.

Marshall stormed out.

I went, uh, to the bar.

Still drinking that?

I paid for it.

And apparently money's tight now, so...

Listen, I've been thinking about this,

and I know there's no way to undo what I've done,

but, well, I made an appointment with a divorce lawyer.

What?! What?!

Oh, no, no, no, no-no.

What, you want a divorce now? No.

I just mean on paper,

so that you can buy the apartment

without my bad credit dragging us down. Lily...

are you trying to kill me?

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have led with the divorce lawyer part.

No, you shouldn't have.

I love you, Lily.

I love you, too.

And I want us to have our dream home.

And, well, I don't know.

It seems like this is a way to do it.

So...

Marshall Eriksen,

will you divorce me?

That's the sweetest divorce proposal I've ever heard.

So is that a yes?

You can't sleep with other women though.

No, we're not getting divorced,

not even on paper.

When I married you, I married your problems, too.

The ones I knew about and the ones I didn't.

So, that was the deal.

We'll figure this out together.

Can I get you guys anything else?

So you're not getting a divorce?

No. TED: Wow, you guys

scared us. Oh, thank God.

'Cause, I mean if you did,

then who'd be the lame married couple I get to make fun of?

Like, "Hey, Marshall, you married Miss Right.

You just didn't know her first name was Always."

(laughing): That stuff is gold.

So, what's the announcement?

I just got off the phone with the Realtor.

We told her that, uh, because of our finances,

we're not getting the place.

It's just-- it's not the right time.

TED: Is what Marshall should have said.

I just got off the phone with the realtor.

We got the place!

We're homeowners!

Don't do it. Are you insane?

Have you lost your mind?

Is what we should have said.

Yes! Congratulations! That's awesome!

Wow! Wow! Thank you.

Aw! This is exciting!

Yeah. There it is!

Our new home.

Shall we?

We shall.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, what a horrible smell.

It reeks.

Oh, that's just the plant.

Don't worry, they shut it down on the weekends.

Wh-What plant?

What are you talking about?

Don't you know?

Baby, this whole neighborhood is downwind

of the sewage treatment plant.

Wait... what did you just say?

I said, we're downwind

of the sewage treatment plant.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.