Original subtitles

TED: Kids, back in fall of 2007, I was dating this girl named...

Oh, God, what was her name?

It's been 23 years,

I can't remember all this stuff.

For the sake of the story, let's call her...

Everyone, this is Blahblah.

Please, call me Blah.

(exchanging greetings)

So, Blah, how did you two meet?

Well, I was taking this cooking class,

French Fusion, and everyone already had a partner,

but then I looked up and across a crowded room,

I saw Ted.

It was magical.

It was so magical.

Except it wasn't.

She's going to tell some bogus story about a cooking class

because she's embarrassed we met online.

Ai Chihuahua! What?

What? There's no stigma anymore.

Oh, there's a stigma.

That's why people always say, "There's no stigma anymore."

So, she's hot?

Oh, she's gorgeous.

Then she's crazy.

No, she's not.

Ted, the only hot girls that troll the Internet

for dudes are crazy, hookers, or dudes.

Okay, she's not crazy.

She's not a hooker.

She's not a dude.

There's this guy I pass on my way to work every day

who's all three-- scares the crap out of me.

There is no way she is above the line

on the Hot/Crazy scale.

She's not even on the Hot/Crazy scale.

She's just hot.

Wait. "Hot/Crazy scale"?

Let me illustrate.

A girl is allowed to be crazy

as long as she is equally hot.

Thus, if she's this crazy,

she has to be this hot.

If she's this crazy,

she has to be this hot.

You want a girl to be above this line,

also known as the Vickie Mendoza Diagonal.

This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line.

She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds.

She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job.

I should give her a call.

Okay, so please,

just play along with her fake story.

We met in a cooking class.

I don't know, Ted.

I don't know if I can just play along

with your crazy girlfriend's fake story.

Now, if you had said fake breasts...

She's not crazy.

Okay. We'll see.

Long story short, thank goodness I'm such a bad cook,

or I never would have met Ted.

Oh, crazy how cute that is.

It's crazy.

You know who else has a really cute story of how they met?

Marshal and Lily.

You guys should tell that story, right now.

Yeah.

All right. But spoiler alert.

It ends with everyone saying, "Aw!"

Aw.

Starts with it, too.

When you've been a couple as long as Marshal and Lily,

telling the how-we-met story becomes a choreographed dance.

It was late August, 1996.

Lily and I were both freshman moving into...

BOTH: Hewitt Hall.

MARSHALL: And she needed some help setting up her stereo.

LILY: For some unknown reason,

I felt drawn to room 110.

MARSHALL: As if she knew

that someone very special was behind that door.

LILY: And as fate would have it that someone was Marshall.

BOTH: It was love at first sight.

Hi. Hi.

Aw...

I know, right?

TED: Now, they perfected that story over hundreds of tellings.

The first time Marshall told it to me,

it was a little different.

Dude, this black-haired Goth chick stopped by today.

* Want to tap it. *

You guys are so lucky.

You know, when Ted and I were cooking

and our hands touched for the first time,

I knew right then that after class

he would take me up on the roof, kiss me and give me a rose.

Which he did!

Say, "Aw."

Aw. Aw.

I know, right?

I'll get the next round, okay, guys?

(clears throat)

Anybody would be stressed out meeting new people.

She's not crazy.

Crazy-generous maybe, buying us drinks.

Shut up.

So, we know how Marshall and Lily met.

Robin, how did you and Barney meet?

No... (laughs)

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

No. No. Barney and I are not together. No. No.

Really? 16 no's? Really?

BLAH: So you're...

single?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Oh. So, pretty and single and friends with Ted.

Great.

You know who else is friends with Ted?

Marshall.

How did we meet?

It was a good story.

I'm going to tell it, right now.

Uh, it was the first day of college.

Kids, to understand this story, you need to know

that your Uncle Marshall was doing something

that lots of college kids do.

How do I say this?

He was, uh... let's say, eating a sandwich.

(snickering)

Dude, I heard the dean is coming.

Put out your sandwich.

Hey.

Good afternoon, sir.

I'm Marshall Erickson.

"Sir"? No, please, just call me Ted.

Okay, Dean Ted.

Whoa... (sniffs)

Someone's been eating a sandwich.

What? No. Really?

I don't know 'cause I don't even know what sandwiches smell like.

My parents are going to donate a lot of money to this school.

So you're bottom bunk; that's cool.

I wanted the top bunk anyway.

What do you mean?

I'm you're new roommate.

So unfair.

I didn't realize Ted wasn't the dean

until later that night.

You're not the dean.

College-- good times.

Oh, I get it. Ted told you I didn't go to college,

so now you're giving me a cute, little backhanded slap.

Oh, here we go.

Well, while you were busy majoring

in being freakin' beautiful,

I was starting

my own line of handbags.

Your own line of handbags?

That's crazy.

These have sold in Japan.

Robin, have you ever sold anything in Japan?

Uh, no. But I would love to buy one of them, if...

Where can I get one?

I don't have a distributor here yet,

but thanks for rubbing that in.

Why are you trying to undermine me in front of Ted?

Look, there's nothing going on between me and Ted.

Wow, that just... came out of nowhere.

No, I'm just saying that you have nothing to worry about.

I wasn't worried. Are you saying I should be?

No, I'm saying that you shouldn't be.

Oh, good, 'cause I'm not.

Now, Robin, can you just let it go?

You're making all of us really uncomfortable.

You know what else is a good story?

How Barney and I met.

Barney, tell that story, right now, please.

Okay, Ted. This is a crazy story.

You're going to love it.

Tonight's the first time

I'm taking my deaf brother out

since our mom died.

Oh, I'm sorry about that.

No, that's okay.

I have to take care of him now.

Of course, I have had to put my dreams on hold

in order to do it, but...

I'm happy to.

He's my brother and I love him.

I'm sorry, it's all still so fresh.

Well, man, I'm, uh... I'm really sorry.

Wow, you bought that?

What?

I just made that up in mid-pee.

If it worked on you, it's definitely going to work

on the blonde chick at the end of the bar.

Unless you're a total idiot.

What's your name?

Ted.

Are you a total idiot, Ted?

Well, I'm still having this conversation, so...

(chuckles): Well played.

I like you, Ted.

Ted, I'm going to teach you how to live.

Barney. We met at the urinal.

Oh, right. Hi.

Lesson one: Lose the goatee; it doesn't go with your suit.

I'm not wearing a suit.

Lesson two: Get a suit.

Suits are cool-- Exhibit A.

Lesson three: Don't even think about getting married

until you're 30.

And lesson four:

Be totally silent for the next five minutes.

Hey, Audrey.

Uh, this is my deaf brother, Edward.

(shouting): Edward!

This is Audrey!

You know, I actually know some sign language.

He doesn't sign.

He's embarrassed by his hands.

They're tiny... and lady-like.

What? You... are over your hand issues.

It's about time.

Here. Call me.

And even though that girl ended up giving me a fake number,

I knew that Ted and I would be each others wingmen forever.

Barney, it's time you knew.

Um, that story actually goes a little bit differently.

(laughter)

Great. Funny.

God, with a wingman like Ted, I might need to resort

to meeting someone in a super, desperate and lame way,

like online.

Online.

Online.

Oh, my God! You told them?!

Okay, yes, I told them.

But it's not a big deal.

Lots of people meet on the Internet.

That whole scene, a stranger across a crowded room thing--

that only happens in the movies.

Yeah, that never happens. Oh, wait, except you and Robin.

That's how you guys met, right?

Wait, you guys dated?

For how long?

A year.

But don't worry.

The relationship wasn't that good.

By the end, it was mostly about sex.

Which was not that good.

But I was the problem.

I'd just lie there.

Ted is, uh, very good.

I'm sure he will get you where you need to go.

Can I buy your bags online?

Oh, oh, I see what's going on here, Ted.

I'm just some random girl to make Robin jealous,

and after she takes you back,

you probably won't even remember my name.

Come on, Blahblah, it's not like that.

Well, we're closing in on the half.

Let's see how Blahblah is doing on the crazy/hot scale.

She started the night here, but as the night's progressed,

she's gotten crazier but no hotter,

which has caused her to drift across the Mendoza Diagonal

and dangerously close to the Shelly Gilespie Zone.

Another girl I dated--

she gained 20 pounds and tried to kill me with a brick.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but seriously,

there's nothing going on with me and Robin.

Then why has she been trying to undermine me all night?

I mean, look at her.

She's laughing at me right now.

(sighs)

I'm sorry, it's just, you know,

Lily and Marshall's story is so romantic.

I just wish we had something like that.

Well, their story's not as magical as it seems.

What do you mean?

No, I, I can't, it's, it's kind of a secret.

Well, how about I tell you a little secret

about what you might get to do later tonight?

(laughs)

The night before Lily met Marshall... Uh-huh.

...there was this party.

Hey.

You a freshwoman?

I never use the word "freshman."

Sexist.

Yeah, I'm a first year.

I'm in Hewitt 220.

No way. Hewitt 110.

You should totally come by.

Maybe I will, Hewitt 110.

CROWD: Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Chug! Chug! Chug!

(cheering)

Look at these drunk idiots.

Hey, don't drink their two dollar beer.

This is a pinot noir.

From Europe.

Ooh.

Oh, it's fruity.

Yeah, I cut it with some cranberry juice.

It was pretty strong.

So, uh...

do you have a girlfriend?

Yeah.

Not sure about the whole "long distance" thing, though.

It's like Descartes says.

"In order to determine

"whether there is anything we can know with certainty,

we first have to doubt everything we know."

You know?

Wow.

But as drunk as she was, when she woke up the next morning,

she still remembered room 110.

That's why she knocked on the door.

She was looking for me.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, and in all these years,

Lily and I have never even spoken about it,

so again, mum's the word, okay?

You have to tell Marshall.

No, if, if he heard that, it would destroy him.

If you don't tell him...

(sing-songy): ...I will.

Oh, come on, you wouldn't.

Oh, no.

So, Lily, how did you and Ted meet?

Come on, Lily, the real story.

I don't think anyone wants to hear that story.

Aw, don't be embarrassed, Ted, it was a long time ago.

(quavering): And I made a huge mistake last night,

but it's like Descartes says.

"In order to determine whether there is anything

"we can know with certainty,

we first have to doubt everything we know."

And I now know for certain that I love you, Karen.

Anyway, call me back when you get this.

I'm also going down to the computer center

to send you an electronic mail.

(clearing throat): Ted.

This is Lily.

No, no, I'm sorry, but I love Karen.

Yes, that is the unabridged story of how Lily and I met.

How embarrassing.

Who wants another round? That's not the story.

Ted, tell 'em.

Tell us what? Um, Lily,

will you help us get the next round?

Ted, what's going on?

She knows about us, about how we really met.

Yeah, I know, I just told her.

No, the real story.

Ted, what are you talking about?

Lily... come on.

Come on, what?

Lily... come on.

Ted, I honestly don't know what you're talking about.

Lily... come on.

I know that you and Ted made out

the night before you met Marshall.

What?

Ted and I never made out.

Yeah... we did.

I only made out with one other guy in college

before I met Marshall, and it was just some random dude.

I, I don't even remember his name.

I just call him Too Much Tongue Guy.

What? Too Much Tongue Guy?

Well, I'm not surprised to hear that

coming from Unreasonably Small Mouth Opening Girl.

That wasn't me.

Yes, it was, at the freshman orientation party.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no!

How much fun is this?

All of us reminiscing about how we met me?

Robin, have I told you how I met Marshall?

Uh, yeah, like five or six ti--

It was right over there.

Here's your problem.

You've only slept with one woman.

Those kind of stats are only okay if you're 11,

but tonight

we're getting you a new girl

because, Marshall Eriksen,

from this moment on, I make all your decisions for you.

I'm sorry, who, who are you again?

This is Barney; I met him the other day.

He's kind of a jackass.

I'm teaching Ted how to live,

and-- lucky you-- I have room for one more student.

Think of me

as Yoda, only instead of being little and green,

I wear suits and I'm awesome.

I'm your bro.

I'm Bro-da.

And tonight,

you're going to use The Force

to get the hottest chick in this bar into bed.

He's going to use force?

'Cause that sounds wrong, Bro-da.

(chuckles)

No, The Force.

It's a Star Wars reference.

So we should make lots of Star Wars references around girls.

That's what you're saying?

I'm not going to cheat on my girlfriend.

Yes, you are, with the hottie that just walked in.

Look at her.

How much hotter is she

than your girlfriend?

There's no comparison.

What do you think, Ted?

No. Should I go for it?

Don't do it, man.

I mean, think about Lily.

You know what? I don't care.

I've been with one woman for too long.

I need me some strange.

Yes! Yes!

Pep talk.

You can do this,

but to be more accurate, you probably can't.

You're way out of practice and she is way too hot for you,

so remember, tonight isn't about scoring.

It's about believing that you can do it

even though you probably can't.

Go get 'em, tiger.

(chuckling)

Poor guy's going to crash and burn.

That man is a god.

(laughing): For like a week after,

Barney followed me around

asking me to teach him how to live.

I even got him to do my laundry once.

I thought it was a Mr. Miyagi kind of thing.

(laughs) Marshall, I need to talk to you.

Can we go somewhere in private?

Yeah, of course. What's wrong?

Lily and Ted made out.

What do you think of that, Robin?

What are you talking about?

You know that guy I made out with

at the freshman orientation party?

Too Much Tongue Guy, yeah.

And you know that girl I made out with

at the freshman orientation party?

Unreasonably Small Mouth Opening Girl, yeah.

(laughs)

I'm Too Much Tongue Guy.

And I'm Unreasonably Small Mouth Opening Girl.

Worst superheroes ever.

Oh, baby, I am so sorry.

I don't think you need to be.

I was at that party.

It was dark and, granted,

I had eaten quite a few sandwiches, but I'm 100% sure

that Unreasonably Small Mouth Opening Girl

was Alexa Leskeys, not Lily.

Really?

Yeah, I'm positive,

and Too Much Tongue Guy was Colin O'Reilly.

Are you sure?

If it wasn't,

I peed in the wrong guy's shampoo, man.

(Marshall laughs) LILY: Aw...

You don't really believe that, do you?

You swore it was Lily.

I guess I made a mistake.

Must have been Alexa.

Another girl, Ted?

Who haven't you made out with?

You know what? I don't need this.

I design handbags, I'm writing a memoir,

I'm a superstar, this is totally my year.

Someday the name Blahblah will be up in lights.

And, Ted, next time you're online

playing World of Warcraft,

don't even think about chatting with me.

World of Warcraft?

The online

role-playing game?

That's how you two

"met online"?

Yeah, it's a really-- it's a cool game.

(both laugh) So suffice it to say,

Blahblah did not turn out to be your mother.

As for the girl I made out with at the party,

there wasn't a doubt in my mind that was your Aunt Lily.

But, you know, that magical story

of how she and Uncle Marshall met,

it was worth preserving, so I kept my mouth shut.

I guess I made a mistake.

Must have been Alexa.

Until our 20th college reunion

when I ran into Alexa Leskeys.

So, Ted, remember the last time we were here?

(chuckles)

You and me?

No idea.

Ted... come on.

Freshman year, we were both pretty drunk?

That was you?

(gasps)

Lily, we never made out.

I know.

So I am not Too Much Tongue Guy.

Actually...

(whispering): No.

Look what I've confiscated from some kids.

Whoa...

That is a fat sandwich.

I know, right?

(all chuckling)

Chew, chew, chew, chew, swallow.

(laughs)

(laughing)

Oh, that's all right, honey.

Sandwiches are strong these days.

I can't believe I used to be able to eat

a whole sandwich by myself.

Now it's like two bites and I am done.

Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?

Dude, we're 42.

(all chuckling)

(laughing): W-W-Where's my wife?

(all laughing)