Original subtitles

No!

No!

Help me!

Help!

No, no, no, no!

No, no!

No!

What do you think you're doing?

No!

Help me!

Please, please!

Oh!

It's after checkout time!

I want my money!

Mistress, the innkeeper!

He wants to be paid.

Honey, when I spend the night in a man's room,

he better pay me.

I want my money!

Zou Zou, just go back to sleep, would ya?

What's he gonna do, kill us?

Here's Johan!

Give me the money!

Now!

I want my money!

Give me the money!

Oops.

Now I got you!

Come back here!

Pay me the money!

Hey!

Oh!

Hurry, Mistress!

Get up!

Go on, go on!

I'm coming down for you, eh?

I want my money!

Ooh!

You getting tired, Zou Zou?

No, Mistress.

Well, I am.

Pull over.

Zou Zou, I thought I told you to pay that inn creep.

With what, Mistress, my good looks?

Well, you got a point there, girlfriend.

But, I mean, couldn't you have done something

to pay for our room?

You know, wash dishes, dug ditches?

Oui, Mistress, you are right.

I mean, Zou Zou, you should be grateful to do any labor,

no matter how menial, because I can't.

I am a professional entertainer,

and I have to save every ounce of my strength

for my audience.

Any more of that blood sausage left?

Hmm.

This sausage is good.

Too bad you're on a diet. I am?

But wait... Oh, oh!

Ooh!

Uh, did you call a cab?

Uh, hold on there, baldy.

Hold it just a minute.

I... I... I...

You forgot my makeup case.

Oh.

Hello.

May I offer you ladies a ride?

Well... Oui, oui, we'd love a ride.

It depends.

Where ya headed, sailor?

I'm traveling north to visit a client.

Perhaps I could offer you and your servant

a nice lodging.

That is, of course, unless you've made other arrangements.

Well... Oh, sir, arrangements?

No, no, we do not have... Oof!

Well, then, shall we go?

Please.

My name is Dr. Bradley... Dr. Bradley Bradley.

Oh.

Your mother must have thought you looked so nice,

she named you twice.

Elvira's the name, showbiz the game.

Oh.

I'm just in the process of fulfilling my lifelong dream

of opening in a world-renowned Parisian revue.

I know.

You do? But of course.

Your reputation precedes you.

Oh, damn, I hate when that happens.

I don't owe you any money, do I?

Good Lord, no.

I found your play billin the village.

Oh... Yes, of course.

And I must say, it's quite a titillating image.

Yes, it is quite a good likeness, isn't it?

Quite.

Oh!

So, what kind of medicine man are you, man?

I am a psychiatrist.

Oh, great!

'Cause my feet are killing me.

Charming.

I say...

Perhaps we could arrange for a private performance.

Oh!

Lucky for you, I come equipped with my own airbags.

I beg your pardon?

I'm so looking forward to the next bump.

Uh... Thanks for the... lift, Doc,

but I really gotta get going, you know.

Nobody told me this was gonna be Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Oh, oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, my God!

Help!

Oh, oh!

Ooh, ah!

Oh, ow, ooh, ah!

I say, coachman, are you making out all right up there?

Coachman!

Welcome to Castle Hellsubus.

Cheery.

Lady Hellsubus...

Allow me to present Elvira.

Charmed.

I think.

Please, forgive me, Madam.

It's just that you... You...

You... Me, me, what?

You look pretty.

Please, come in.

Oof!

The lady and her servant will be spending the night.

Very well.

I'll have the maid prepare the rooms.

I trust that your stay here will be...

comfortable, madam.

Your cloak, ma'am.

Your gloves, ma'am.

Your shoes, ma'am.

Hold it right there.

I mean, I usually get paid for this sort of thing.

You know, when I take a... If you please, ma'am.

I am afraid it is imperative.

You see, my husband,

he suffers from an acute affliction of the hearing.

Sounds that seem commonplace to you or to I

cut into his head like knives!

Are you sure it's not just some kind of kinky foot thing?

The shoes, if you please.

Ooh!

Zou Zou? Oh!

Would you help me?

Oh!

Lady Hellsubus, would you mind informing Lord Hellsubus

that he has a guest?

Something tells me he's already figured that out.

Ooh, a piano bar!

Stop!

No more, please!

Oh, jeez, everybody's a critic.

Elvira, allow me to present Lord Vladimere Hellsubus.

Enchanté.

Ow!

Hey, we haven't even met yet!

Oh, sorry.

Hey, nice jacket.

Who shot the stove?

Elvira is soon to be one of Gay Paree's

foremost entertainers.

Lots of straight guys like me, too.

Thank you, thank you, but seriously, folks... No!

This cannot be.

No!

Nice meeting you, too.

Who's the old dude in the dress?

Perhaps he has seen your act.

Oui.

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Don't be frightened, Elvira.

It's only the castle settling down for the evening.

Come.

It's time for bed.

The village people say this castle is evil.

Ehh, who listens to the Village People anymore?

This castle and its occupants are cursed.

It's the Hellsubus family blood.

It causes them to do strange and unnatural things.

Sounds like fun.

Lucian Hellsubus.

Vladimere's great-great-grandfather.

Sadist, murderer.

Thousands of innocent souls died by his torturous hands

in the dungeon of this very castle.

Ew, nice hobby.

Captain Teodore Hellsubus.

Vladimere's grandfather.

Smuggler, slave trader, pathological liar,

bad dancer, cross-dresser.

That's really weird.

Cross-dressers are usually great dancers.

Careful.

The tremors seem to have caused a bit of damage.

Yeah, duh.

Anybody ever heard of Spackle?

And last but not least, the Lady Donya Hellsubus,

Vladimere's mother.

Slut, harlot, seductress.

Just one man couldn't satisfy her.

I hear you, Grandma.

Right.

I'll show you to your room, then.

This was her room.

Her?

Her who?

Elura, Vladimere's first wife.

Nobody has set foot in it since her passing.

Whew, pee-eww.

Pass of what is the question.

Could you light a match or something?

Elura died exactly ten years ago tomorrow.

Dr. Bradley, I thought I heard a voice and I...

Oh, what's her problem?

Don't mind her.

She does this sort of thing quite frequently.

She's not well, as you can see.

Who is she?

This pitiful creature is Roxana Hellsubus,

Lord Hellsubus' niece.

She too is afflicted with the Hellsubus family curse,

which has ruined many a life, including that of Elura.

Beautiful, unfortunate Elura.

I must say, the resemblance between the two of you

is remarkable.

No wonder Vladimere was so shocked

at the very sight of you.

Oh, my God!

Not only that, but we're both wearing

the exact same nail polish.

Really?

How remarkable.

Well, it's getting kind of late,

and I'm off to Paris in the morning.

Must you leave so soon?

Dr. Bradley, opening my show in Paris

means more to me than anything in the world,

even playing "Hide the Hot Dog" with you.

Well, then.

What about a quick nightcap?

No.

Brandy? Mm-mm.

Champagne? Mm-mm.

Sanka?

Lemonade with a twist?

Ooh!

Mistress, it's time for la douche.

Yes, quite right.

Well, I'll send my carriage around in the morning.

Good night.

Oh, Dr. Bradley?

Yes?

Didn't you forget something?

Ah, yes.

Quite right.

Good night.

Oh, and Doc?

I'll take a rain checkon the physical.

Oh hi, Ema.

Thanks for spying on us.

Oh, this is so relaxing.

Oh, Zou Zou, turn on the bubbles, would you?

More hot water, Zou Zou.

But, Mistress, I will have Togo all the way down

to the kitchen!

Yeah?

And I have to sit here Ina bathtub full of tepid water

until you get back.

Now scoot, scoot.

Oui.

Sacrebleu.

Arr, ye dogs.

We have come for your booty.

Oh, no, please, please, Mr. Big Bad Pirate,

please don't pillage my booty!

Zou Zou?

Zou Zou, is that you?

Hey, hey, what are you doing?

You wanna blow the rating on this picture?

Hmm.

Finders keepers.

Where have I seen this thing before?

Oh.

Come on, you're dripping with jewels.

You're not gonna miss one little old ring, are you?

Zou Zou, you scared the caca-doodie out of me!

Shh!

Haven't you ever heard of knocking?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to startle you.

I'm Lady Roxana.

Oh, and I'm Elvira.

Hey, what do you know?

The lady and the tramp!

I think this is a piece of your lung.

Ew.

Thank you.

I... I just came to apologize for my ghastly behavior

earlier this evening.

I was just so shocked by your appearance.

Yeah, well, most people are,

but they usually don't have quite such a strong reaction.

For a moment, I thought that you

were my Aunt Elura, risen from the grave!

Yeah, I seem to be getting that a lot lately.

So, Roxana,

is it true that you also have the curse?

Yes, I'm afraid I do.

Really?

And you still manage to look so fresh all over.

Uncle Vladimere says there is no...

escape!

From the family curse.

Hey, cheer up.

I mean, maybe it's like hair loss

and it'll skip a generation.

No!

Uncle Vladimere says

I am destined to remain within these

dark castle walls

for the rest of my short...

happy...

life.

"Uncle Vladimere says, Uncle Vladimere says."

You know, girl, I don't wanna go sticking my nose in

where it don't belong,

but if I were you, I would just pack my little bags,

forget about what Uncle Vladimere says,

and get the hell on out of Castle Hellsubus.

Oh, if only I could.

Well, what's stopping you... your legs painted on?

Where will I go, what would I do?

We leave for Paris in the morning,

you could come with us, no?

Uh, no, actually, where we're going

is kind of an adults-only thing and...

No.

Of course, I... I... I understand.

All right, all right, you can go with us.

Just be sure to have your stuff ready tonight,

'cause we're leaving first thing in the morning.

Oh, thank you, Elvira, you're wonderful!

Good night.

What do you want?

I just came to see if you needed anything

before you retire.

A cup of warm milk, perhaps?

You know, actually, a cup of warm milk sounds kinda good.

Thanks.

Very well.

I'll have the maid milk the goat.

Um... You know, on second thought,

just send up a bottle of scotch and a straw.

Oh, what... Mistress, it's me!

Zou Zou, what the hell are you doing?

Listen!

I'm scared!

Zou Zou, that's just the grinding and clanking noise

that, you know, instruments of torture make.

All right, all right, I'll throw on something skimpy

and head down to the dungeon.

Let's see.

Now where's the secret door?

They always have one of those.

Oh!

Oh, hello.

Is somebody in there?

Hello?

Roxana, is that you?

Oh, I just saw the light on in here

and I was wondering what you were doing down here.

You know, I wanted to talk to you about...

Uh, careful, that thing might go off in your hand.

Oh, you startled me.

If you're looking for something to steal,

there's really not much here.

I already checked.

Oh, sorry.

Lord Hellsubus' pistol needed cleaning.

Allow me to introduce myself, madam.

How does he do that?

Weird.

I am Adrian, the stable master.

I often come here secretly.

Books are my greatest pleasure and as you can see,

the master has a magnificent collection.

Of what?

Books.

Oh, books.

Yeah, I hadn't noticed.

I'm constantly trying to better myself.

It's working.

And who, may I ask, are you?

Oh, me?

I'm just Elvira.

You know, house guest, bon vivant,

entertainer extraordinaire.

I'm just here for the night.

But then, a lot can happen in a night.

Woo, Lord have mercy.

It is warm in here, isn't it?

Your gown! Ow, ow, ow!

Are you all right?

Is the fire out?

Honey, the fire's just getting started.

I mean, it must have been a cinder

that landed on my nightgown.

No, it was no accident.

This house is not a healthy place for you to be.

Ew, not healthy?

I have been scratching myself a lot lately.

And I'm sure Lord Hellsubus

has not been the most gracious of hosts.

Duh, that's the understatement of the 19th century.

Since the death of his first wife,

he has not been feeling himself.

Too bad.

It might relieve a lot of that tension.

I'm afraid the poor man is grief-stricken

ever since the Lady Elura committed suicide.

Committed suicide?

Why would anybody living here at Sunnybrook Farm

want to kill themselves?

The master blames himself for her death.

Me, I blame the Hellsubus curse.

Oh, you poor darling!

But I had nothing to do with it.

I don't care.

I mustn't be found here!

Get behind the curtain, quick!

Yeah, good idea.

I thought I heard voices.

Oh, yeah, you and everybody else in this bug house.

A spider.

Hello?

Can anybody help me with my bags?

Zou Zou?

Zou Zou!

I'm coming!

Zou Zou, what do I pay you for?

But, Mistress, you have not paid me in months.

Oh, right.

Oh!

I'm ready to go, Elvira.

Elvira?

Mistress, do you need some help?

No.

No, I don't need any help.

Do I look like I need help?

Get rid of that damn cake.

Merci.

Where's that coach that quack promised us?

I tried to tell you, Mistress, Dr. Bradley has the emergency!

Emergency?

What about my emergency?

He said something about people in the village

dying of the plague.

Plague-shmague.

I have a show to do in Paris.

Oh, some people are so selfish.

Huh?

Oh, Adrian.

Uh, I've got an idea.

You two wait right here.

Mistress, where are you going?

If I'm not back in an hour... wait another hour.

Oh.

Ooh!

Adrian!

Ahh!

Ahh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, it's you.

Oh, you scared the hell out of me.

Would that it was otherwise, my dear.

They've struck again.

What, gophers?

No, grave robbers,

in a never-ending search for the Hellsubus family jewels.

Oh, for the love of God, why can't they leave us alone?

Hasn't my family suffered enough?

What manner of fiend is it that would...

That would desecrate a human grave

in their hunger for mere riches?

Why?

Snap out of it!

God, what are you going for, an Oscar?

My eyes, my eyes!

Would you mind, my dear, they're over there.

God.

Here's your precious horse blinders, you big baby.

You don't understand.

My... my eyes are tortured by all but the faintest of light.

Oh, so you've got a hangover too, huh?

No, I suffer from acute ocular sensitivity, my dear.

Too bad.

Listen, you know, your friend Dr. Bradley

stood me up this morning,

so I was wondering if Adrian the stable boy could give me a ride.

Oh, frailty, thy name is woman.

Look, I just thought you were Adrian,

that's why I was following you.

I know.

You do?

Don't tell me you're psychic, too.

No, I heard your footsteps.

Each and everyone of them echo.

Echo? Echo.

Echo.

My hearing's hyper-sensitive, too.

I hear everything, each cry in the night,

the deafening whisper of woodworm devouring the coffins,

the scratching of rats' claws upon the stone, I...

I hear it all.

What's that? What?

There it is again!

Really, what does it sound like?

Kinda like, "ah-woo"!

Ah!

Oh, an animal, perhaps.

Wolves attracted by the scent of rotting flesh.

Wolves?

Maybe we should head back to the...

My beloved wife's grave.

She passed away ten years ago this... this very day.

Oh, Elura.

So beautiful, so young, so full of life.

But as I carried her over the threshold of Castle Hellsubus

on our wedding day, a strange darkness befell her.

Soon after, she took to her bed.

She would neither eat nor sleep.

I tried everything to cheer her up.

Each night, Elura took to wandering the halls

of Castle Hellsubus,

listening to the accursed voices of the demented souls

emanating from within its blood-soaked walls.

I prayed that I might rescue her from this infernal nightmare,

but aided by the corrupting powers of diabolical cunning,

she eluded me.

And then one night,

those demonic deceivers of suicidal destruction

imposed their poisonous and cankerous will upon this

sweet, unblemished child of innocence and grace

and ordered her to climb to the top of the tower.

And then... to jump.

We were married for just one year.

Well, you know what they say.

I mean, 50% of all marriages end in divorce,

so it wouldn't have worked out anyway, probably.

Are you okay?

It's you!

You!

Me, me, me, what? Elura!

Elura!

No, Elvira, Elvira, Elvira.

I'll send you back to hell!

Oh!

Ooh!

Oh, oh...

Oh, that smarts, what happened?

Uh, you don't remember?

No, I must have undergone some kind of blackout.

Yeah, yeah... Uh, you tripped.

You know, I'm a little sheepish when it comes to wolves.

What do you say we head on back to the castle, okay?

Oh, yes, good idea.

Oh!

Oh, thank you, my dear.

I think I might just go upstairs

and rest for awhile.

Okay, you do that.

And while you're at it, you might want to grab an icepack.

Yes.

Ah-ah-ah!

Hold it right there.

Mutton stew.

Mm, mm.

Whoa, dude.

Somebody went a little heavy on the Tabasco.

This is my husband's chamber pot, madam.

Disturbing, yes,

but perfectly harmless, I assure you.

Oh, yeah, no problemo.

I'm from California.

So, as I was saying, I was in the village,

cleaning out the pustular, runny sores

of this poor old woman and I said to her,

"Madam, I believe you have the plague."

And she said, "Oh, no, sir, I don't have the plague."

And just at that moment, her ear dropped off.

Roll?

I can assure you, Ema, it was rousing good fun.

Bradley, you always have the most amusing stories.

Mmm, gee.

This looks... delicious.

It's gruel.

Yeah, damn straight it's cruel.

I mean, I was really hungry.

No, madam, it's hot gruel.

That's... It's fine.

I'm afraid those of the Hellsubus clan

can consume only the most pallid mash,

wear only the softest of clothing,

tolerate only the faintest of light.

You see...

My husband and Roxana suffer from certain

peculiarities oftem perament.

Yeah, where I come from, they call it hypochondria.

Pardon?

I said...

Maybe it's just all in their mind.

Precisely.

And when something is in someone's mind,

it is more real, more powerful than any mere...

physical malady.

Yeah, right.

Like there's something going on in my mind.

Well now, shall we see?

What do you know about hypnosis?

It's a bunch of hooey.

I once did a show with Ivan the Incredible,

he tried to hypnotize me and make me bark like a dog.

And did it work?

Well, by the time he was done,

he was the one who was sitting up and begging.

Girlfriend.

I assure you, Elvira,

the powers of hypnotism are very real.

Allow me to demonstrate.

Look deeply into my eyes.

Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Wish I had a peso for every time I heard that old line.

Give your will over to mine.

Woo.

Your hands are melting into mine.

Soon, very soon, they will become one with mine.

Yeah, just watch the nails, will you?

Close your eyes.

You will try, you will try, but you will not be able.

You will try very soon, you will try now,

but you will not, you cannot move them!

Will you please hold it down?

I'm just trying to sleep here.

Is she hypnotized?

No, I am not hypno...

Elvira.

You're a little girl, very happy,

so young, so happy,

so very, very happy.

It's all brightness and butterflies.

They're a wonder to behold.

See them.

See them?

I just love butterflies ever so much.

Why look, there's one on a flower.

Reach out, Elvira, you can almost touch it.

Reach out...

Oh, it's a bee, it stung you! Ow, ow!

Ow!

No, no, no tears, Elvira.

There's no reason to weep.

Don't weep for me.

Weep for Vladimere.

I have come to wreak my vengeance.

Oh!

Wow, who turned out the lights?

See, I told you that hypnotism thing was a bunch of hooey.

Ow.

I'm... I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit "unstab-Le."

Speaking of "unstab-Le"... stable,

where's Lord Loco anyway?

So plague or no plague,

your coach is picking me up tomorrow, right?

Oh, absolutely.

I assure you, Elvira,

you won't be spending another night in Castle Hellsubus.

Happy anniversary, Elura.

Poor guy's had a tough day.

Yes, poor Vladimere.

I don't believe I've ever seen him looking so morose.

I mean, who wouldn't be with this dirge playing?

Move over, honey.

Let's see if we can't turn that frown upside down.

* Many years ago when I was so small *

* I slipped into a music hall

* How was Ito know curiosity *

* Would cost me my... virginity? *

* In a single night I learned all the facts *

* About the birds and bees and tit for tat *

* I remember seven Turkish acrobats *

* Who taught mean unnatural act *

Come on!

* I was asked to play with the entire band *

* I had them all right in my hand *

* The pianist confessed to me

* There was a horse in his family tree *

* A contortionist needed to get his kicks *

* Forcing little me to do the Chinese split *

* Girlfriend the trained dogs were quite a treat *

* They thought moi was a bitch in heat *

Grr!

Hit it!

* I was gagged and bound by a psycho clown *

* I'm not even married but I've been tied down *

* By the way the jugglers were living dolls *

* And they taught me how to juggle all their balls *

* I learned how to expose my derriere *

* Show my legs and bam

* Get them in the air

* Yes I often stop thinking to recall *

* Life is like a music hall.

Yeah!

Vladimere...

Vladimere... Who... Who is it?

Who's there?

Vladimere!

Vladimere...

Oh!

Vladimere, what is it?

I saw her... it was her.

Who, man?

Whom did you see?

I... I saw... I saw... No one.

Nothing, I...

I must have been dreaming.

All of you!

Oh... oh.

What... What?

What... what happened?

Uh, you... tripped again.

You gotta lay off of that absinthe.

Thank you.

That ring!

Where did you get that ring?

Uh, this old thing?

I just... found it in my room.

It was Elura's!

Her wedding ring... you took it!

Sheesh, calm down, will you?

Here, you can have it.

Too tacky for me, anyway.

No, no... No, get it away, get it away!

Will you make up your mind?

Elura was wearing that ring...

when I buried her.

Ew.

Don't even think about it.

Then it's true!

It is true!

She's alive!

Vladimere, you know very well that's not possible.

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Oh, here, let me help you with that.

Mmm... Here, here.

All spic and span.

I'll get the rest later.

Almost got it.

Oh, my God!

It's true!

She is alive!

Girl, you are starting to get on my last nerve.

Good Lord.

No heartbeat.

Mirror?

No breath, either!

I'm afraid she's quite... dead.

Well, at least we'll get some use out of that coffin.

Poor Roxana.

She's found peace at last.

For a member of the Hellsubus line,

even death can bring no peace.

Oh!

If only it were me instead of her.

Yes, if only it was you.

Yes, if only... it was.

Yes, if... only.

Must you close the casket so soon, Vladimere?

Yeah, boy, you guys don't waste any time, do you?

I mean, the body's not even cold yet.

It's time for Roxana

to join the rest of the Hellsubus clan.

Come.

Why, why, why?

She was so young and so... Young!

Roxana!

We hardly knew ye!

She was a good girl... she never "hoit" nobody!

You're with the angels now, darling.

Oh!

Oh, man, I don't know about the rest of you guys,

but I need a drink.

Hello?

Adrian?

Adrian.

That's quite a big hammer you're swinging there.

Elvira.

I was just shoeing a horse for your trip tomorrow.

Yeah, well, I thought I'd just bring you

a little something to remember me by.

A book!

Elvira, you are as generous as you are beautiful.

Ah, "Kama... Sutra."

Yeah.

Have you read it already?

I'm afraid I haven't.

Oh, too bad.

I hope there aren't too many big words.

Yeah, well, don't worry about it.

I mean, it's mostly pictures.

Here, let me show you the first chapter.

I'm not sure I follow.

Oh, read on.

Mmm... Nicholai.

Elura... At long last.

My brother would have my head if he knew about this.

Vladimere will never find out.

No!

Help me... help me!

No!

Help me!

No!

Help me!

No, help me, Elvira!

Who's there?

Zou Zou, is that you?

What do you think you are, a freaking parakeet?

Oh, you will not believe this weird dream I had.

I think that Elura's buried alive down here somewhere

and I think that I know who... Oh!

How did you two get down here?

This dungeon has been locked for 100 years.

Yeah, right, and I suppose you've never

been down here either.

Madam, I swear to you, I've never before set foot in...

in this place.

Look, little Lord Paranoid, I didn't say you did.

I just said that if you are the only person with the key...

It was in this foul dungeon

that my great-grandfather, Lord Lucian Hellsubus,

committed unspeakable acts of torture.

Ooh, like, "Whip me, baby, whip me"?

In a nutshell, yes.

Ouch.

Oh, my God!

This is it!

It's this wall!

It's... It's the wall from my dream!

What on Earth are you talking about, my dear?

It wasn't a dream... it really happened!

Elura didn't kill herself.

You killed her!

I had to do it, Elura.

Don't you see?

You wanted to leave me.

Leave this castle.

No one in the Hellsubus clan can ever leave,

as I told dear Roxana.

You mean Roxana was...

Yes, about to be buried alive, too.

That's another unfortunate Hellsubus family trait.

Catalepsy.

Fear of cats?

It's a condition which completely parallels

the look of death.

You mean, then... She was...

And you knew?

Yes.And...

Yes, I'm afraid... I'm afraid burying people alive

is another unfortunate Hellsubus family trait.

And now, Elvira,

it's time to send you back from whence you came.

To hell!

No!

I shall rip your black heart out

and feed it to the carrion crows!

Sheesh, you'd think he would have learned by now.

Ah, there he is.

Pretty as a picture.

It is rather amusing, isn't it, dearest?

Your first wife, Elura, an adulteress.

Your brother Nicholai, an adulterer.

Your second wife, an adulteress.

Your trusted doctor and friend, an adulterer!

Oy, mate!

No, he's completely off it this time.

We've done it.

Look at the pathetic milksop.

He'd be better off dead.

Yeah, but we wouldn't, would we, love?

And now that he's off his nut,

you and I are completely in control

of the Hellsubus family fortune.

And no one will question his need for constant care

from his trusted doctor,

with the help of his faithful wife, of course.

I hope you've learned your lesson.

Never sign a pre-nuptual agreement! Never sign a pre-nuptual agreement!

Elvira.Oh.

How nice of you to join us.

Hi there.

Um, I was just leaving, so I'll see you guys around!

No, you don't, love.

Oh, no.

Don't leave, Elvira.

The fun is just beginning.

Yoo-hoo, Elvira!

Your carriage awaits!

Elvira!

Hmm, maybe she's upstairs.

God, it's great, isn't it?

Look at the size of that rack.

Elvira, I must confess, I find the sight of you in pain

particularly arousing.

Ow!

Careful, Bradley, or you'll be next.

I swear, you guys, I didn't hear a thing.

Ow!

About you and the doctor having an affair.

Oh!

And... and you trying to make Vladimere insane

so that you could steal the family jewels.

Ow, ow!

Nicholai!

Oh, Vladimere.

How are you?

I must confess you're looking better.

Thank you, dear brother.

That's very kind.

I think that... Brother?

Vladimere, whatever on Earth do you mean?

It was always you, Nicholai! No!

Always you! No...

First you stole my toys...

Then our dear mother's sweet love,

and then finally, my beloved Elura.

You must die, Nicholai!

You must die!

Vladimere, no!

As for you,

you too will suffer for your faithlessness, Elura.

But, husband, I'm not Elura, I'm Ema!

Before this day is out, you will beg me to release you

from the unimaginable hell

into which you're about to be plunged.

Die, die in agony, Elura!

I'm not Elura!

She is!

Oh, that Ema!

She's such a kidder.

Oh, forgive me.

My slutty adulteress, darling.

Hey, don't call me darling.

Let me release you from your bondage.

Uh, yeah, that'd be great,

because I'm really not into this kinda thing anyway.

Oh no, no, no, no, no!

No, the other way, the other way, the other way!

Please forgive me, my dear, but old habits die hard.

Yeah.

Wow.

Elvira?

Elvira?

It's your stable stud.

Time to go to the train...

Help me!

Do you know where you are, Elura?

Shall I tell you where you are, Elura?

Would you stop with the Elura stuff?

Elura is dead.

I'm Elvira, remember?

Life is like a music hall, yeah!

Oh, prepare to enter hell, Elura,

the netherworld, the abode of the dead,

the infernal regions.

That place of torment, pandemonium, abandonment,

that vast unbottomed place that's...

really, really hot.

Araka.

Gehenna.

Hades.

The boundless... All right, all right, I got it, I got it.

Jeez, will somebody take away his thesaurus?

Don't interrupt when I'm on a roll, Elura.

Elvira!

Where are you?

Adrian!

I'm in here, in the dungeon!

Oh, Elura.

In this place, no one can hear you scream.

No!

Adrian, help!

Elvira!

Adrian! Elvira!

Now let me present for your final enjoyment,

the pit... and the pendulum!

Oh, my God!

My God!

Adrian, Adrian, hurry!

Adrian!

Adrian!

Where are you?

Elvira!

Adrian, I haven't got all day here!

Who is that laughing?

Who is that laughing?

Hurry!

Really, hurry up!

I'm not kidding!

Adrian, help!

Oh, oh!

Help, help!

Oh!

Hold on!

I can't!

I have to do everything myself?

Ah!

Oh!

You can never escape me, Elura.

No, it is you who will never escape me, Vladimere!

My eyes!

Whoa, talk about yourdys functional families.

Oh!

My eyes, my eyes!

Help, Elura!

Elvira! Adrian!

You came too late!

Again.

Don't worry!

We're safe now.

Oh, yeah, almost forgot.

It's your maid, Zou Zou.

What to do?

Here!

Keep your shirt on.

We've got everything under cont...

Oh.

Here, give me your hand!

That's it.

Come on, come on, hurry!

Move it!

Wait for me!

Mistress!

Hurry!

This place is coming down!

Bradley?

Where are you going?

Save me!

Ema, there's no time!

It's you or the family jewels!

If I ever get out of here, I'm going to kill you!

Right, it's the jewels then.

Damn you, Bradley!

Damn you!

Wait, wait!

Save me!

Oh, my God!

It's Ema!

She's still alive.

I must go back.

No, no, you can't go back in there.

What are you, nuts?

You don't understand, Elvira.

I'm Ema's illegitimate half-brother.

No!

Bye!

Come back, you crazy bastard!

My jewels!

Ema!

Ooh, ow!

Ooh!

Thank you, Elvira.

Oh, my God!

That's... that's incredible!

What, Mistress?

That the spirit of Elura is finally set free?

No, that... that we can afford such a groovy special effect!

Oh, oui!

Remind me never to hitch a ride

in a strange coach again.

Yoo-hoo!

Ladies, may I offer you a ride?

Whoa, it's like déjà vu all over again!

So anyway, we're lucky we even got out of there with our lives.

Oui, oui, if it was not for Elvira,

I would be squished like a French grape.

Where did you say this castle was?

Just there in the Carpathian Mountains.

Yeah, Castle Hellsubus, you ever heard of it?

You could not possibly have visited there.

Hello, I think I know where I just spent the worst weekend

of my whole life.

Castle Hellsubus was destroyed 100 years ago.