Original subtitles

COMING, LISA.

EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

DID YOU ORDER THE WHITE MEAT?

HEY, DREW, WHAT'S WITH THE RIBBON?

KIDDING? IT'S THE FIRST TIME WE CAN DATE

WITHOUT FEAR OF LOSING OUR JOBS.

I NOW DECLARE THIS RELATIONSHIP

OFFICIALLY OPEN.

HELLO!

LATER ON, NOEL BECK FROM THE DAYTIME SOAP LOVING

WILL BE HERE TO SIGN AUTOGRAPHS,

AND THEN YOU'LL HAVE ALL THE SOFT-SERVE YOU CAN HANDLE.

SOFT-SERVE, HUH?

I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE DRINKING.

OH, MAN, NOW I'M OUT OF SOFT-SERVE.

Kate: IS THAT MY MOTHER?!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATE.

Kate: YEAH.

SHE SOUNDS STRESSED.

IS SHE OK ABOUT US HAVING DINNER WITH HER MOM TONIGHT?

ACTUALLY, SHE'S HANDLING IT PRETTY WELL.

HEY, BET YOU CAN'T IGNITE JUST ONE.

SORRY. JUST KILLING MOM BEFORE TIME GETS HERE.

I MEAN, KILLING MOM BEFORE TIME GETS HERE.

I'M JUST KILLING MOM BEFORE TIME GETS HERE.

THERE WE GO. YEAH.

HEH HEH HEH HEH...

AND WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT, McGIGGLEPUSS?

I'M SORRY.

IS IT SOVIET HOUSEWIFE DAY?

MY MOM GAVE ME THESE CLOTHES.

IF I DON'T WEAR 'EM ON EVERY BIRTHDAY,

I HEAR ABOUT IT FOR THE NEXT 10 YEARS.

THANKS. OH, BY THE WAY,

DO NOT MENTION THAT I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.

WHAT? JAY'S NOT COMING?

NO WAY. I AM TOO SERIOUS ABOUT HIM

TO INTRODUCE HIM TO MY MOTHER.

THAT'S HER. I AM NOT HERE.

COME ON.

NO! I AM SICK. I CAN'T!

MY GRANDMA DIED! I'M HAVING MY PERIOD!

MY ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF! I WAS CAUGHT IN TRAFFIC!

I WAS ON A PLANE TO CHICAGO!

HI, MOMMY.

HI, HONEY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HI, DREW. OH, LOOK, I SEE ONE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION

THAT MADE A TRIP TO BASKIN-ROBBINS.

WHILE I WAS THERE, I PICKED UP MY NEW GIRLFRIEND.

MRS. O'BRIEN, THIS IS LISA.

OH, SO YOU'RE THE LUCKY GIRL WHO LANDED DREW.

NAH, ACTUALLY, I JUST FED HIM ONCE,

AND HE FOLLOWED ME HOME.

SO HOW'S MY LITTLE BIRTHDAY GIRL?

GREAT. I'M DOING BAD AT WORK,

AND I'M NOT SEEING ANYONE.

KATE, YOUR LIFE'S A DISASTER,

BUT AT LEAST YOU LOOK GREAT.

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

I WOULDN'T BE SURPRISED IF IT'S ANOTHER SWEATER.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

OOH, I HOPE THIS IS THE ONE THAT LANDS ME A MAN.

HEY, UH, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE,

WHY DON'T I GET YOU MY RECEIPTS?

SO YOU CAN HELP ME GET STARTED ON MY TAXES.

RECEIPTS?

AREN'T WE GROWING UP?

WELL, THIS IS A STEP UP.

LAST YEAR YOU KEPT YOUR RECEIPTS IN A CHICKEN BUCKET.

DREW, THESE ARE WARRANTIES.

OH, I'M SORRY.

"COUPONS, TWO-FOR-ONE SPECIALS,

"BIG IDEAS,

THINGS THAT KINDA LOOK LIKE ARROWHEADS..."

OH, THERE YOU ARE, YOU NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY BOY.

♪ MOON OVER PARMA, BRING MY LOVE TO ME TONIGHT ♪

♪ GUIDE HER TO CLEVELAND UNDERNEATH YOUR SILVERY LIGHT ♪

♪ WE'RE GOIN' BOWLIN' ♪

♪ SO DON'T LOSE HER IN SOLON ♪

♪ MOON OVER PARMA TONIGHT ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

SO, YOU GUYS DOING YOUR TAXES, OR...?

YEP. AND I HAVE FIGURED OUT A WAY

TO TAKE THE GRANDDADDY OF ALL DEDUCTIONS.

I AM GOING TO BECOME OSWALD'S LEGAL GUARDIAN.

HEY, ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU CAN'T ADOPT AN ADULT.

IF YOU COULD, I WOULD'VE ADOPTED

ANNA NICOLE SMITH YEARS AGO AND RAISED HER RIGHT.

AU CONTRAIRE,

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PROVE

THAT OSWALD IS INCOMPETENT.

WHO'S CRAZY NOW?

CERTAINLY NOT LEWIS.

HEY, GUYS.

HEY. HEY.

SO WHAT'S UP?

LEWIS IS GOING TO BECOME MY LEGAL GUARDIAN.

YEP. OH.

YOU KNOW, KATE, IT'D BE GREAT

IF YOUR MOM COULD HELP US PULL THIS OFF.

OH, NICE THING TO SAY ABOUT A WOMAN

WHO'S BEEN INSTITUTIONALIZED FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT INSTITUTIONALIZED?

DREW AND KATE WENT OUT TO DINNER WITH HER LAST NIGHT...

OH.

WHY DON'T YOU GET DADDY A JAGERMEISTER?

SO WHAT IS THIS?

YOU DON'T WANT ME TO MEET YOUR MOM?

YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE EMBARRASSED OF ME,

JUST COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT.

I THINK SHE JUST DID... OW.

I'M JUST TRYING TO PROTECT YOU.

MY MOTHER THINKS I'M ATTRACTED TO ALL THE WRONG MEN.

SHE'LL BE LOOKING TO FIND ANY LITTLE FAULT IN YOU.

RELAX. MOMS LOVE ME. THEY ALWAYS HAVE.

FIRST OFF, THEY'RE WOMEN, AND I'M...

WELL, I'M ME.

PLUS I'M POLITE, I'M HARD-WORKING, I'M STABLE...

YEAH. KATE, YOU FINALLY MET A GUY

YOU CAN TAKE HOME TO MOM. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE?

I'D LOSE THE EARRING.

I'D TAKE THE HAIR DOWN AN INCH.

MMM. AND HOW ABOUT A SKOSH MORE ROOM IN THOSE JEANS?

BELIEVE ME, IT'S NOT THE JEANS. IT'S THE SKOSH.

WHOO...

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY, KATE? CAN I MEET HER?

ALL RIGHT, TO PROVE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU,

WE'LL GO.

BUT JUST HAVE OSWALD KICK YOU IN THE SKOSH.

IT'LL FEEL LIKE YOU MET HER.

THAT'S MY BOY.

HEY, MRS. O'BRIEN, THAT WAS A GREAT MEAL.

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THAT SOUP AGAIN?

I TOLD YOU ALREADY.

BUT WE FORGOT.

COCKLE STEW.

WHAT STEW?

COCKLE, COCKLE, COCKLE! WHAT ARE YOU, 13?!

OH, LOOK, LET'S GET BACK TO MY TAXES.

NOW, DO YOU THINK THERE'S ANY WAY

WE CAN PROVE THAT OSWALD'S MENTALLY INCOMPETENT?

I THINK IT WOULD BE HARDER TO PROVE THAT HE'S NOT.

WE'RE GONNA BE RICH!

WHOO! WHOO!

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE OTHER WAYS TO GET RICH.

YOU COULD USE YOUR GOD-GIVEN TALENTS.

OSWALD...

YOU USED TO PLAY THE PIANO SO BEAUTIFULLY.

LEWIS, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR POETRY?

I'M STILL A POET. WANT TO HEAR A LIMERICK

WITH THE WORD COCKLE IN IT?

ANYBODY LIKE AN AFTER-DINNER DRINK?

SURE, I'LL HAVE ONE.

OH, REALLY?

WOULD YOU LIKE THE WHOLE BOTTLE?

MRS. O'BRIEN, PERHAPS THE BRIGHTEST RAY OF SUNSHINE

THAT YOUR DAUGHTER'S BROUGHT INTO MY LIFE

IS THAT I NO LONGER HAVE TO DRINK ALONE.

Oswald and Lewis: AWW...

YOU MIGHT AS WELL TAKE THE BOTTLE NOW.

HERE, LET ME GIVE YOU A HAND CLEANING UP.

NO. SIT DOWN.

BOY, YOU'RE WELL TRAINED.

MOTHER OR EX-WIFE?

LITTLE OF BOTH.

WELL, THOSE THINGS HAPPEN.

SO HOW LONG YOU BEEN DIVORCED?

IT'S BEEN A WHILE, ABOUT 4 MONTHS.

HEY! DO YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE MY ROOM?!

MOM KEPT IT EXACTLY HOW I LEFT IT.

IT'S LIKE I'M DEAD.

WOW!

DREW, GIVE ME A HAND WITH THE DISHES?

YEAH, BUT JAY OFFERED...

DREW.

YES, MRS. O'BRIEN.

SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF JAY?

HE'S A PRETTY NICE GUY, HUH?

ACTUALLY, HE SCARES THE LIFE OUT OF ME.

NO. OSWALD'S THE ONE WITH THE CURLY HAIR.

DREW, THE GUY JUST GOT DIVORCED!

HE'LL LATCH ONTO ANY WOMAN THAT PAYS HIM ATTENTION

'CAUSE HE MISSES HAVING A WIFE.

AND THEN WHEN HE REALIZES HOW MUCH FUN IT IS TO BE SINGLE AGAIN,

HE'LL MOVE ON.

YOU KNOW HER. HE'S GOING TO BREAK HER HEART.

NO, HE WON'T. I'VE KNOWN HIM SINCE HIGH SCHOOL.

REALLY? SO, WHAT WAS HE LIKE IN HIGH SCHOOL?

HE BROKE A LOT OF HEARTS, BUT YOU KNOW...

PEOPLE CHANGE. I MEAN, JAY'S NOT GONNA HURT HER.

WHY, BECAUSE HE'S YOUR FRIEND?

NO. THERE'S, UH, SECRET REASONS. CAN'T TELL YOU.

DREW...

BYE. GOTTA GO.

LOOK ME IN THE EYE.

DO YOU REALLY HAVE A SECRET REASON?

NO.

DO YOU WANT TO SEE KATE GET HURT AGAIN?

NO.

ARE YOU THE ONE THAT PAINTED PUBIC HAIR ON MY GARDEN GNOMES?

NO. I MEAN, YES.

SO YOU'LL TALK TO KATE?

YEAH, I'LL TALK TO HER.

HEY, GUTMASTER.

HI, MIMI.

SAY, UH, ANYONE EVER MISTAKE YOU FOR A WOMAN?

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT MEN FIND ME...

YEAH, I KNOW. THEY FIND YOU WITH THE LIGHTS OUT,

OR THEY FIND YOU AT LAST CALL,

OR...

THEY FIND YOU BLOCKING THE VIEW OF THE WOMAN

THEY WANT TO HIT ON.

OH, YOU'RE REALLY ON TODAY. I'LL COME BACK LATER.

BEEN WAITING 6 MONTHS FOR THAT SETUP. AHEM.

HEY, KATE. HEY.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING ALL OVER FOR YA. YOU KNOW, I HAD A...

HAD A LITTLE TALK WITH YOUR MOTHER YESTERDAY.

ABOUT WHAT?

OH, YOU KNOW, THE CITY DUMP,

DUMP TRUCKS, WHEN JAY'S GOING TO DUMP YA.

NUCLEAR DUMPING.

♪ DUMP-DEE-DUM-DUMP DEE-DUM DUMP-DUM-DUMP ♪

DAMN IT. I DON'T BELIEVE HER.

LOOK, SHE GOT ME CONCERNED, YOU KNOW.

JAY'S JUST COMING OFF A DIVORCE.

I MEAN, HE'S A GOOD FRIEND AND A NICE GUY

BUT, YOU KNOW, HE IS ON THE REBOUND.

ALL RIGHT,

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY,

THAT I'M NOT WORTHY OF HAVING A NICE GUY

BECOME SERIOUSLY INTERESTED IN ME? IS THAT IT?

DO YOU WANT ME TO PROVE IT TO YOU?

DON'T DO ANYTHING CRAZY.

LOOK. HERE COMES JAY NOW.

HE'S PROBABLY GONNA PROVE US BOTH WRONG.

AND HE'S SMILING.

HE'S HAPPY JAY COMING TO TALK TO HAPPY KATE.

KATE, BAD NEWS. I CAN'T MAKE IT SATURDAY NIGHT.

UM, I GOT AN OUT-OF-STATE MOVE. BUT IT WON'T BE LONG.

IT'S JUST SOME GUY WHO'S MOVING OUT

WHILE HIS GIRLFRIEND'S AT WORK.

UHH. SOME GUYS ARE SUCH COWARDS.

EXCUSE ME.

OK IF I COME WITH?

I MEAN, IT'D BE A GREAT CHANCE TO SIT AND TALK.

SURE. I'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU ALONG, KATE.

I'M JUST GUESSING WHAT YOU'RE GONNA SAY. GO AHEAD.

BUT I DON'T HAVE ROOM IN THE CAB.

YEAH, BUT YOU'D HAVE ROOM IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

WOULDN'T YA, BUDDY. YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

FIRE IN THE HOLE!

DREW, RELAX.

JAY AND I ARE JUST HAVING A LITTLE CONVERSATION

ABOUT A TRIP.

SO, AFTER THIS TRIP,

HOW LONG DO YOU SEE US BEING TOGETHER?

WOW.

I DON'T KNOW. MY EX-WIFE ASKED THAT ONCE.

AND I SAID FOREVER. WELL, AND THAT DIDN'T LAST, SO...

FOREVER.

SO THAT'S THE LEVEL OF YOUR COMMITMENT...

"FOREVER"?

WELL, I'D GO BEYOND THAT,

BUT THAT'S NOT SCIENTIFICALLY POSSIBLE.

OH, YOU AND YOUR FACTS.

KATE, DON'T PUSH ME. I'M NOT READY FOR THIS.

JAY, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME

WHERE YOU THINK THIS RELATIONSHIP IS GOING...

NOW.

FINE. I'M OUTTA HERE.

JAY, IF YOU DON'T COME BACK RIGHT NOW,

YOU CAN KEEP WALKING!

OH, HE'LL BE BACK ANY SECOND.

LOOK, HERE HE COMES.

AH, HE'S BLUFFING. HE'S... GONE.

I BLEW IT, DREW.

SO, UH, WHO ARE YOU MOM... MAD AT,

MOM... ME OR WOULD YOU MOTHER NOT SAY?

HELLO, LYNN.

I AM BRINGING ALL THESE CLOTHES BACK,

AND I WANT MY PONY.

HONEY, WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG.

YOU USED MY BEST FRIEND TO TRY TO BREAK UP MY RELATIONSHIP.

I JUST WANTED DREW TO WARN YOU.

YOU HAVEN'T LISTENED TO ME SINCE YOU WERE 10 YEARS OLD.

YOU CAN'T KEEP INTERFERING WITH MY LIFE.

I ONLY SENT DREW BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

WORRIED ABOUT WHAT? JAY IS THE MOST WONDERFUL MAN

I'VE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.

FINE. IF YOU WANT ME TO,

I'LL... I'LL MEET HIM AGAIN

AND GET TO KNOW HIM BETTER.

YOU CAN'T. HE LEFT ME.

I'M SORRY. IT'LL BE OK.

IF ONLY THERE WAS SOME WAY THAT WE COULD ANTICIPATE THESE THINGS.

OH, YEAH, I GUESS WE COULD LISTEN TO OUR MOTHER.

AAH! CAN'T YOU EVER STOP?

NOT WHEN I SEE YOU MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE OVER AND OVER,

AND THE PERFECT GUY IS RIGHT UNDER YOUR NOSE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DREW.

HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DATING HIM?

YOU KNOW, YOUR FATHER WAS MY BEST FRIEND.

WE WERE VERY HAPPY.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I SHOULD CALL DREW RIGHT NOW

AND SEE IF HE WANTS TO START A RELATIONSHIP.

'CAUSE IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD

AND MY MOM'S BEEN CHUGGING COUGH SYRUP AGAIN!

NO, I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT DATING DREW.

IN THE FIRST PLACE,

DREW'S IN A RELATIONSHIP.

IN THE SECOND PLACE... DREW'S DREW!

SO, WHAT'S THE MATTER, HE'S TOO STABLE?

HE'S GOT TOO GOOD OF A JOB?

OH, HE TREATS YOU TOO NICELY? YEAH.

YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU BETTER STOP LOOKING AT THE GUYS

WITH THE TIGHTEST BUTTS AND START LOOKING AT...

DREW.

HEY, I'M SURE DREW'S BUTT IS PLENTY TIGHT.

OH...

NOW YOU HAVE ME THINKING OF DREW'S BUTT.

JUST FOR THAT...

GRAMMY'S LEGS.

KATIE, GRAMPY'S WEEPY EYE.

YOU'RE JUST... YOU'RE...

HEY, ANYBODY WANT ANOTHER DRINKY-POO?

YEAH.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY RUMPUS ROOM?

I THINK WE'RE FINE.

HEY, HOW'S THE ADOPTION COMING ALONG?

STUPID OSWALD PASSED THE COMPETENCY TEST.

THANK YOU, NORMAL, FUNCTIONING ADULT.

THAT'S DR. NORMAL, FUNCTIONING ADULT TO YOU, SIR.

HOW YOU HANGING IN THERE, TIGER?

FINE. WHY WOULDN'T I BE?

MEN ARE SLIME.

AMEN TO THAT, SISTER.

BESIDES, IT IS STUPID JAY.

I PROMISED MYSELF I AM NOT GOING TO CRY OVER THAT LOSER.

ALL RIGHT.

BESIDES,

I CAN HAVE ANY MAN IN THIS BAR. AM I RIGHT?

HEY, SHH. WHOO!

HEY, HEY...

SHE'S BEEN DRINKING.

AND I KNOW THERE'S NOT A MAN IN THIS BAR

THAT WOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A WOMAN WHO'S BEEN DRINKING.

I have a gun.

I HAVE A GUN!

HEY, WE STILL GOT TIME.

LET'S GET A FEW MORE PITCHERS.

YO!

HEY, HO. OOH!

YOU AND LEWIS DON'T HAVE TO WORK FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,

BUT ME AND KATE DO. WE'RE CALLING IT A NIGHT.

OH, YOU GIVING UP, YOU BIG BABY?!

FINE. GO HOME AND CRAWL INTO YOUR RUBBER SHEETS.

I'M STAYING.

WELL, SO AM I.

HEY, HONEY, THEY GOT KISS FROM A ROSE.

NO, NOT KISS FROM A ROSE.

THAT WAS JAY AND MY SONG.

OH, I'M SORRY. YOU GONNA BE OK?

WELL, IF YOU MEAN BY OK, AM I GONNA WEEP UNCONTROLLABLY,

CURL INTO A FETAL POSITION,

THEN SURE, I'LL BE OK.

OH, MAN...

HEY, LISTEN, PAL,

LISTEN, UH, MY FRIEND IS JUST KINDA GOING THROUGH

A LITTLE BIT OF A ROUGH TIME, YOU KNOW.

IF YOU PLAY THAT SONG, IT'LL JUST ABOUT KILL HER.

THAT'S MY GIRL'S SONG,

AND I'M GOING TO BOSNIA TOMORROW.

I'M PLANNING ON PROPOSING TO HER

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SONG.

LOOK, THERE'S PLENTY OTHER ROMANTIC SONGS ON THE THING.

LOOK, THERE'S, UH... DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY...

FREEBIRD...

UH, COP KILLA...

LISTEN, I'M PLAYING THE SEAL SONG,

SO GET OUTTA MY FACE.

WHATEVER, DUDE.

OH, I'M SORRY.

HEY, YOU KNOW, I'M AN IDIOT.

OF COURSE, YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT

TO PLAY THAT SONG FOR YOUR GIRL,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S ON ME.

AWW...

DREW, YOU SAVED MY LIFE.

OHH...

AHH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

JAY AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A SONG.

WE HAVE A COLOR.

DON'T LET HIM PLAY RED!

SO WHAT SONG ARE WE GONNA BE LISTENING TO FOR THE NEXT HALF HOUR?

I DON'T KNOW. WHATEVER K-9 IS.

ARE WE THERE YET?

I TOLD YOU...

WE GOT A FLAT TIRE 20 MINUTES AGO.

BUT THE CAB'S STILL MOVING.

I MADE A DEAL WITH THE GUY.

HE'S NOT CHARGING US FOR THE SPINNING.

OH.

DREW, THANKS FOR DRIVING AROUND WITH ME AND TALKING.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IF WE GET HOME RIGHT NOW,

WE'LL STILL HAVE 15 MINUTES TO CLING TO OUR BEDS

BEFORE WE HAVE TO GO TO WORK.

♪ RUFF-RUFF-RUFF... ♪

♪ RUFF-RUFF-RUFF... ♪

DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.

OH, SORRY.

OOH...

HOLD MY HAND.

YOU GOING TO THROW UP AGAIN?

I DIDN'T SAY, "HOLD MY HAIR."

I SAID, "HOLD MY HAND."

HEH. IT'S OK, KATE. THERE'LL BE OTHER GUYS.

OF COURSE, YOUR MOM WILL HATE THEM,

BUT, YOU KNOW, EVENTUALLY SHE'LL BE DEAD.

SO HOW SERIOUS ARE YOU AND THIS LISA GIRL?

OH, KATE, YOU KNOW, ALL RELATIONSHIPS ARE DIFFERENT.

YOU CAN'T JUDGE YOURS BY WHAT'S GOING ON WITH MINE.

THINK YOU'LL MARRY HER?

PFFF... I DON'T KNOW. WE'RE NOT THAT FAR ALONG YET.

MM.

KISS ME.

WHAT?

KISS.

KATE, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

YOU'RE DRUNK, AND YOU'VE BEEN THROWING UP.

WHAT? MY MOM SAYS I SHOULD BE DATING YOU.

I THINK SHE'S RIGHT.

I ALWAYS SAY I SHOULD BE DATING

SOMEONE EXACTLY LIKE YOU.

AND WHO'S MORE LIKE YOU THAN YOU?

TELL ME THAT, YOU.

WOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WOULD'VE BEEN NICE IF YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD ME THIS

A LONG TIME AGO.

EH, WE PROBABLY WOULD'VE STARTED DATING AND BROKEN UP,

AND THEN I WOULDN'T HAVE YOU AS MY BEST FRIEND.

BESIDES, YOU NEED A GUY WHO'S MORE LIKE JAY.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THIS COULD WORK OUT, BUT...

YOU KNOW, YOU'D HAVE TO BE DRUNK ALL THE TIME...

KATE?

YOU KNOW, I COVERED FOR YOU ON THOSE GARDEN GNOMES,

BUT WE'RE EVEN,

'CAUSE I'M GONNA TAKE 50 BUCKS OUT OF YOUR PURSE TO PAY FOR THE CAB RIDE.

HI, DREW.

HEY. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

UM, NOT SO GOOD.

ABOUT LAST NIGHT,

YOU... YOU KNOW I WAS DRUNK, RIGHT?

YOU WERE DRUNK?

OH, NO. WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH THIS RING?

AND I ALREADY BROKE UP WITH LISA.

I TOLD MY MOTHER. SHE WAS SO HAPPY.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

I SUPPOSE THE SEX DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU EITHER.

DREW... WHAT?

YOU HAD SO MUCH TO DRINK, YOU COULDN'T GET YOUR EYELIDS UP.

THANKS FOR UNDERSTANDING.

SO, WHY AM I HERE AND WHO AM I MEETING?

I CAN'T TELL YOU YET.

AHEM.

YOU DID THIS?

YOU GOT JAY AND MY MOM TOGETHER

AND HAD THEM COME DOWN HERE?

OR WAIT. ARE THEY DATING?

WE WERE TALKING.

I CALLED YOUR MOM AND I ASKED HER IF YOUR ACTING CRAZY

HAD ANYTHING TO DO WITH WHAT WENT ON THE NIGHT BEFORE.

EXACTLY. SO I WAS HONEST WITH HIM.

I TOLD HIM THAT I LIKED HIM FINE,

BUT THAT YOU HAD YOUR DOUBTS.

HE SAW RIGHT THROUGH THAT, WHICH LED TO A BIG SCREAMING FIGHT.

WHICH LED TO SPAGHETTI LEFTOVERS. HE'S OK.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

WHAT DID YOU SAY TO MAKER HER CHANGE HER MIND?

I TOLD HER THAT I LOVE YOU, I'LL NEVER HURT YOU,

AND I HOPE THIS GOES ON FOREVER.

OH, AND I HIRED HER AS MY ACCOUNTANT.

SEE, EVERYTHING WORKED OUT JUST THE WAY I PLANNED IT.

DREW, YOU HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS.

WE JUST CAME DOWN HERE TO ASK YOU OUT TO LUNCH.

OH, SO I GUESS THAT MEANS YOU'RE BUYING, HUH?

HE CAN AFFORD IT, RIGHT?

A LOT MORE THAN YOU CAN. DREW.

YOU OWE $213.83.

OH, WELL, ISN'T THAT GREAT?

WHAT A COUNTRY.

YOU GET A BOYFRIEND, YOU GET A NEW CLIENT,

AND I GET SCREWED.

WELL, GOD BLESS AMERICA.

YOU GUYS GO AHEAD AND CLEAR OUTTA HERE. I GOT SOMETHING TO DO.

I'LL MEET YOU DOWN AT THE RESTAURANT.

SO, WHY'D YOU CALL ME UP HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

I'LL EXPLAIN TO YOU LATER.

HEY, DID YOUR MOM JUST GRAB JAY'S BUTT?

HEY...

WHERE'S THIS KATE? I'M DYING TO MEET HER.

LOOK, MAN, I'M SORRY. I JUST CAN'T INTRODUCE YOU TO HER NOW.

KINDA A BAD TIME.

YOU SAID I WAS JUST WHAT SHE WAS LOOKING FOR.

YOU'RE A GOOD-LOOKING GUY. YOU'LL MEET OTHER WOMEN.

HEY, YOU KIDDING, MAN? I HAVE TO PAY WOMEN TO GO OUT WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT, GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, BUDDY.

HEY, COME ON!

SO MUCH CRAP,

THEY HAD TO START A SECOND PILE.

ODE TO MRS. O'BRIEN, BY LEWIS.

"YOUR LOVE IS ETERNAL

"AND INFINITELY TRUE,

"YOUR WISDOM AND ENCOURAGEMENT

"HAS GUIDED US THROUGH,

"WE BOW TO YOUR BEAUTY

"AND INTELLECT, TOO.

COCKLE, COCKLE, COCKLE STEW."

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE www.ncicap.org...