Original subtitles

ANYBODY SEE KATE?

NO, MAN, I GUESS SHE'D RATHER BE

WITH SOME GUY SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH THAN US.

YEAH. LOOKS LIKE WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT OUT THE 2 WEEKS

OF EUPHORIA AND SEXUAL EXPLORATION.

TWO WEEKS?

THAT'S WHY I NEVER FALL IN LOVE,

'CAUSE THEN IT WOULD BE JUST THE 2 OF YOU GUYS

SITTING BY YOURSELVES AT THE BAR,

CRYING IN YOUR BEER, WISHING YOU WERE...

I'D KILL THE BOTH OF YOU RIGHT NOW FOR A WOMAN.

OH!

NOW, IT'S NOT THAT EASY, DREW.

YOU'D HAVE TO KILL ALL THE MEN ON EARTH.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD, WITH KATE GONE,

WOMEN HAVE STOPPED COMING BY THE TABLE TO CHAT.

LET'S FACE IT. WE NEED KATE.

EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT WOMEN, I LEARNED FROM KATE.

YEAH. I MEAN, LIKE, WHO KNEW

THAT A TIGHT DRESS AND SPIKED HEELS

MADE A WOMAN LOOK CHEAP?

NOT ME!

YOU KNOW, SHE WAS A REALLY GOOD LISTENER.

YOU COULD TALK ABOUT PERSONAL STUFF AND REALLY OPEN UP TO HER.

DREW, YOU CAN TALK TO US

ABOUT ANYTHING. WE'LL LISTEN.

WELL, I WALKED BY MY PARENTS' OLD ROOM THE OTHER DAY,

AND I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW, I REALLY MISS HAVING MY MOM NEARBY.

COULD THAT BE BECAUSE... YOU'RE A GIRL?

GIRLIE! HOO HOO.

MOMMY, I MISS YOU!

SEE, IF KATE WERE HERE,

WE WOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.

EXCUSE ME. ARE YOU USING YOUR KETCHUP?

NO, HERE.

THANKS.

WOW. HATS OFF TO YOU, PAL, EATING RED MEAT AFTER MIDNIGHT?

MAKES ME PROUD TO BE AN AMERICAN.

YEAH, WELL IF I DON'T HAVE, LIKE, 4,000 CALORIES A DAY, I DROP WEIGHT LIKE THAT.

IF I DON'T GET 4,000 CALORIES BY BREAKFAST,

I HAVE A SNICKERS BAR ON THE WAY TO THE CAR.

IT'S JUST A JOKE, MAN.

YOU'RE DREW CAREY.

MAYBE HE IS AND MAYBE HE ISN'T.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER THAT, DREW.

YOU KNOW, THE SMALLER GLASSES ALMOST THREW ME, BUT OTHER THAN THAT,

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED SINCE JUNIOR HIGH!

WELL, THE GLASSES ARE THE SAME SIZE, MY HEAD JUST GOT BIGGER.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GREW YOUR HAIR OUT.

DREW, YOU HIPPIE, IT'S ME, JAY CLEMENS!

JAY?

OH, MY GOD. HOW ARE YOU DOING?

OH, YOU WERE SUCH A GOOD-LOOKING KID.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YEAH. SAME OLD STORY. BOOZE, WOMEN. GREASE FIRE.

SO HOW YOU BEEN?

GREAT.

YOU REMEMBER OSWALD AND LEWIS.

THIS IS SO WILD.

YOU PUT DESKS IN FRONT OF YOU

AND BOOKS IN FRONT OF THOSE BEERS...

WE'RE BACK IN DETENTION.

PULL UP A CHAIR.

YEAH, COME ON.

SO, JAY, WHAT BRINGS YOU BACK

TO OUR LITTLE CORNER OF PARADISE?

UH, I JUST GOT A DIVORCE

AFTER THREE GLORIOUS YEARS OF MARRIAGE.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S OK. THEY WERE SPREAD OUT

OVER 15 YEARS OF HELL.

HEY, DIDN'T YOU MARRY LISA JANUSCH?

OH, THE PROM KING AND QUEEN GETTING MARRIED.

YOU NEVER SEE SOMETHING LIKE THAT COMING, DO YOU?

YOU KNOW, IF A FEW MORE PEOPLE HAD VOTED FOR MARY DEUTSCH,

I MIGHT NOT BE SITTING HERE TODAY.

I'D BE WITH MARY DEUTSCH

AND HER LESBIAN LOVER IN PORTLAND.

HEY, SHE'S GOT THE SAME HAIRCUT AS YOU.

SO YOU STILL WORKING AT YOUR DAD'S BOWLING ALLEY?

NO. I OWN A SMALL MOVING COMPANY, A-A-A ACTION MOVING.

IT USED TO BE A LOT BIGGER,

BUT MY WIFE GOT HALF THE TRUCKS IN THE DIVORCE.

SEE, NOW I HAVE TO COMPETE WITH

A-A-A-A ACTION MOVING.

SO, YOU'RE GOING TO START DATING AGAIN, HUH?

WELL, I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO BREAK THIS TO YOU,

BUT SUCCESS AND GOOD LOOKS WENT OUT IN THE EIGHTIES.

YEAH. THIS IS OUR TIME NOW.

HI. WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?

HI. MAYBE LATER.

I'M JUST, UH, CATCHING UP

WITH SOME OLD BUDDIES OF MINE

WHO I HAVEN'T SEEN SINCE JUNIOR HIGH.

OH. SORRY, I DIDN'T NOTICE.

BOY, DON'T YOU HATE IT

HOW WHEN YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO HANG OUT WITH THE GUYS,

WOMEN JUST NEVER GIVE YOU A MOMENT OF PEACE?

YEAH! OH, YEAH! YEAH.

♪ MOON OVER PARMA, BRING MY LOVE TO ME TONIGHT ♪

♪ GOT HER TO CLEVELAND UNDERNEATH YOUR SILVERY LIGHT ♪

♪ WE'RE GOIN' BOWLIN' ♪

♪ SO DON'T LOSE HER IN SOLON ♪

♪ MOON OVER PARMA TONIGHT ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

5, 6... NOT ANOTHER KID! THAT'S 8!

THE GUY NEVER LEAVES HIS CAR.

HOW THE HELL'S HE DO IT?

WHEN YOU WENT TO THE BATHROOM, DREW,

I SAW HIM GO IN THE DRIVE-IN.

YOU KNOW THE RULES... ANOTHER KID, ANOTHER SUGAR STICK.

YEAH.

GO. GO.

GO, GO, GO, GO... GO, GO, GO, GO...

GO, GO, GO, GO... GO, GO, GO...

GO, GO, GO...

WHOO!

OHH! THIS WAS SO MUCH FUN WHEN WE WERE KIDS.

HI, EVERYBODY. I'M BACK AND I'M BETTER THAN EVER.

Together: HEY!

HEY, KATE. BEER'S IN THE FRIDGE.

ALL RIGHT! PAYDAY!

OBVIOUSLY THESE SLOBS ARE NEVER GONNA INTRODUCE ME.

I'M JAY.

OH, GEE, I'M SORRY, KATE. IT'S JAY CLEMENS,

YOU KNOW, FROM JUNIOR HIGH!

NO WAY! JAY CLEMENS?

I GAVE YOU A CONCUSSION PLAYING DODGE BALL!

YEAH, I REMEMBER! LIKE, I KIND OF REMEMBER.

NO, SERIOUSLY. KATE O'BRIEN,

CAPTAIN OF THE GIRLS' BASKETBALL TEAM?

"SEXY LEGS O'BRIEN"?

NOPE.

PRESIDENT OF THE SPANISH CLUB?

HOLA.

BOY... IT'S NOT COMING TO ME.

KATE O'BRIEN? I KILLED

THE PRINCIPAL, PUT HIS HEAD ON

A STICK, AND RAN DOWN THE HALL SCREAMING,

"YOU'LL NEVER FORGET ME FOR THIS" KATE O'BRIEN?

I THOUGHT THAT WAS SALLY THOMAS.

YOU GUYS ARE PLAYING LIFE.

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T CALL ME? YOU ALWAYS CALL ME.

WELL, YOU KNOW, JAY SAID HE'D BE GLAD TO FILL IN.

WE FIGURED YOU WERE OUT WITH KEN.

OH, YEAH. KEN AND I BROKE UP.

OH...

HE HAD TO LEAVE TOWN 'CAUSE OF HIS JOB.

THAT'S THE LAST THING YOU'D EXPECT FROM A CARNIVAL WORKER.

I'M SORRY, KATE. OH, MAN!

HE WAS GOING TO LET ME PET DOG BOY FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

ARE YOU OK?

YEAH, I GUESS. I'M GONNA MISS HIM.

KEN WAS SPECIAL. HE WASN'T LIKE OTHER CARNIVAL WORKERS.

HE WAS A... HE WAS A DREAMER.

HE HAD WANDERLUST.

IS SHE TALKING ABOUT WALT WHITMAN

OR THE GUY WHO RUNS THE SCRAMBLER?

EXCUSE ME?

UH, TAKE A TIP FROM SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS.

IT'S BEST NOT TO DWELL ON THESE THINGS.

OH, PARDON ME, NEW GUY,

UM... BUT I'M HARDLY DWELLING.

WE BROKE UP 10 MINUTES AGO.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

OBVIOUSLY WASN'T MEANT TO BE.

SO MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST PUT IT BEHIND YOU.

YOU BARELY KNOW ME. YOU...

YOU KNOW, I'M FINE. FORGET IT.

I'LL JUST WATCH YOU GUYS PLAY.

"WIN NOBEL PRIZE"?

HOW THE HELL DOES A TRAVEL AGENT

WIN THE NOBEL PRIZE?

UH... HEY, YOU'RE USING

THE BLUE CAR. THAT'S USUALLY MY CAR.

DO YOU WANT TO PLAY? WE'RE ALL OUT OF CARS,

BUT YOU CAN USE ONE OF DREW'S EMERGENCY MILK DUDS.

OH... NO, NO. THAT'S OK. I'LL JUST WATCH.

NOW THAT I'VE BEEN WATCHING,

I'VE NOTICED SOMETHING, TOO.

YOU'RE SITTING IN MY CHAIR.

I'M SORRY. DID YOU WANT TO SIT HERE?

NO, NO. YOU'RE FINE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NICE TO GET A DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW.

WH... WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?

ARE THO... ARE THOSE MY PUPPY SLIPPERS?

THESE ARE YOURS?

WOW, I THOUGHT I HAD BIG FEET!

YOU KNOW, I LEAVE THOSE HERE

FOR THE TIMES MY FEET GET COLD AND WET.

I'M SORRY, KATE. IT WAS MY FAULT.

HE ACCIDENTALLY STEPPED IN THAT PUDDLE

YOU ALWAYS ACCIDENTALLY STEP IN.

MY PUDDLE?

EXCUSE ME. I GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.

YOU DON'T HAVE A SPECIAL TOILET

YOU CALL YOUR OWN, DO YOU?

GOOD-LOOKING AND FUNNY.

YOU DON'T OFTEN SEE THAT.

WANT A BEER, KATE?

NO, THANKS. I'M NOT THIRSTY.

JUST THOUGHT YOU MIGHT WANT TO MARK YOUR TERRITORY.

I WASN'T DOING ANYTHING, CHUCK.

WILL YOU DROP IT?

LISTEN. YOU WERE ACTING VERY SUSPICIOUS IN HERE, AND I...

GAH!

WOW. THOSE BLACK-AND-WHITE SECURITY CAMERAS

DON'T DO YOU JUSTICE.

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

I CAUGHT HER GOING THROUGH YOUR THINGS, DREW.

I THOUGHT I HEARD A WOMAN

SCREAMING FOR HELP FROM ONE OF YOUR DRAWERS.

UH, THANKS, CHUCK.

I THINK I CAN HANDLE THINGS FROM HERE.

GIVE ME A COUPLE OF MINUTES,

AND THOSE CAMERAS CAN LOOK THE OTHER WAY, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

GOING THROUGH MY DRAWERS, HUH?

NOW, YOU'D ASSUME THAT I'D GO

TO THE UPPER LEFT-HAND DRAWER, AS I AM LEFT-HANDED.

BUT YOU WOULD KNOW THAT I REMEMBER THE RAT TRAP INCIDENT

AND OVERCOMPENSATE BY GOING TO THE LOWER RIGHT.

THAT'S WHY...

AHA!

A DEAD FISH!

YOU DISAPPOINT ME, MIMI.

YOU CAN'T PROVE IT'S MINE.

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT SWALLOWS THEM WHOLE.

YOU KNOW, MIMI, THIS IS JUST A CRY FOR HELP.

YOUR PROBLEM IS YOU CAN'T EXPRESS YOUR TRUE FEELINGS FOR ME.

I COULD IF I HAD A BONE SAW AND SOME SALT.

HOW ABOUT A BOW AND ARROW?

YOU KNOW, LIKE CUPID.

UHH...

NO, NO. IT'S GOING TO TAKE MORE THAN THAT

TO RUIN MY BIRTHDAY WEEK.

HEY.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♪

HAPPY BIRTH... ♪ HEY, GUYS.

I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.

I WAS THINKING MAYBE WE COULD GO TO DINNER,

THEN GO SEE THE MOVIE.

SO, WHERE'S JAY?

OH, ONE OF HIS MOVERS CALLED IN SICK AND HE HAD TO FILL IN.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE CAN MAKE IT.

OH, MAN. I HOPE THIS ISN'T MY FAULT.

HE MAY THINK I DON'T LIKE HIM.

HEY, LADIES.

EECH. HIM.

JAY, MAN, HOW YOU DOING? NICE TO SEE YOU.

YEAH, THE OLD HERNIA STARTED FLARING UP. SO...

HEY, LOOK AT THIS THING.

NO. NO!

I'M KIDDING! THE MOVE WAS RESCHEDULED.

WE DON'T GET TO SEE YOUR HERNIA?

THAT'S A SHAME. MY UNCLE HAD A HERNIA.

IT WAS HUGE. WE USED TO RIDE IT.

BOYS, THERE'S NOTHING THAT I LOVE MORE

THAN A GREAT HERNIA STORY BEFORE DINNER.

WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

WHY DON'T WE GO FOR CHINESE?

ACTUALLY, I JUST FOUND THE GREATEST ITALIAN PLACE.

IT'S RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER.

ITALIAN, MAN, I'M UP FOR THAT.

ACTUALLY, CHINESE MAKES A BETTER PRE-MOVIE DINNER.

AS ANYONE KNOWS, IT'S NOT AS HEAVY.

SINCE WHEN DOES THAT MATTER?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO SWIM TO THE MOVIE, RIGHT?

HEH HEH.

WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

I ALWAYS PICK THE RESTAURANTS.

SO TONIGHT YOU'RE NOT. COME ON, WHO WANTS ITALIAN?

AW, COME ON.

LET'S JUST COMPROMISE AND GO TO THE FOOD COURT.

LOOK.

ONE MORE CORN DOG, I GET A FREE CORN DOG.

NO. NO, NO, NO. HE DOESN'T RUN THIS GROUP NOW.

I'VE PUT IN 25 YEARS WITH YOU GUYS.

I RODE THAT HERNIA. IT'S MY LITTLE REWARD

TO PICK THE RESTAURANTS.

OK, LET'S JUST TAKE A VOTE.

WHO WANTS ITALIAN?

WHO WANTS CHINESE?

FINE. WE KNOW THAT YOU AND OSWALD WANT ITALIAN.

LEWIS?

WELL...

I GUESS I'LL TAKE CHINESE.

DREW?

LOOK, THE IMPORTANT THING IS

WE'RE ALL GOING TO EAT TOGETHER. RIGHT?

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHERE WE HAVE DINNER.

LET'S JUST FLIP A COIN.

HEADS, CHINESE, TAILS, ITALIAN.

AH, I GOT TO FLIP THIS THING AGAIN.

I HAD CHINESE FOR LUNCH.

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH THIS THING?

WHAT KIND OF EXCUSE IS THAT, YOU HAD CHINESE FOR LUNCH?

DO YOU THINK THEY SAY THAT IN CHINA...

"OH, WE JUST HAD CHINESE"?

COME ON, LEWIS, WE'RE GOING.

ACTUALLY, KATE,

I'D PREFER ITALIAN.

I WAS JUST... SCARED.

OK. IT'S NOT WORTH THE FIGHT. I'M SORRY.

LET'S JUST GO TO ANTONIO'S.

ACTUALLY, I WAS THINKING MARIO'S.

AAH! WHAT A JERK! I CAN'T TAKE IT!

OH, MAN.

AH, DON'T WORRY, DREW. SHE'LL GET OVER IT.

NO. MY CORN DOG CARD JUST EXPIRED.

I HAD 49 PUNCHES IN IT!

HEY, BIRTHDAY BOY,

HEY, HELP ME OUT HERE. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY?

I'D LIKE ONE WEEK WHERE I GET THE LOOKS

AND YOU'RE THE BIG JOLLY GUY WITH THE OVERFLOWING PERSONALITY.

HEY, HOW ABOUT A MEMBERSHIP AT A GYM?

HEY, THAT'D GO GOOD WITH THE GIANT SPEEDOS I'M BUYING YOU.

I GOT A BEER FOR KATE JUST IN CASE SHE SHOWS UP.

HEY, YOU MIGHT AS WELL DRINK IT NOW.

SHE'S NEVER COMING ANYWHERE NEAR US AGAIN.

I CAN'T EVEN GET HER AT HER HOUSE.

CAN YOU BELIEVE SHE CALLED ME

AND SAID SHE WASN'T COMING TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

WELL, I FEEL A LITTLE BIT RESPONSIBLE.

I MEAN, IT'S JUST LIKE WE NATURALLY PUSH EACH OTHER'S BUTTONS.

EVERYBODY'S LIKE THAT A LITTLE BIT WITH KATE.

YOU JUST GOT TO UNDERSTAND HER.

SOMETIMES SHE LIKES TO FAKE WITH HER RIGHT

BEFORE SHE MAKES HER POINT WITH HER LEFT.

YOU MEAN FIGURATIVELY?

YEAH. FIGURATIVELY.

HEY.

HEY! HEY, KATE!

KATE. HEY, KATE. HOW YOU DOING?

WHAT'S UP? KATE.

HI.

I-I'M KATE FROM THE STORE.

YOU WORK IN THE WAREHOUSE, DON'T YOU?

NO. WE'RE IN LINGERIE.

MIND IF I SIT DOWN?

YOU SURE YOU WORK AT THE STORE?

YEAH. YOU KNOW,

KATE O'BRIEN, COSMETICS.

DOESN'T RING A BELL.

WHY DOESN'T ANYONE REMEMBER ME?

OH, YEAH. YOU'RE THE WHINER.

HEY, LADIES. KATE.

CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

NO, I'M HERE WITH MY FRIENDS.

THIS IS, UH... AND Y-YOU KNOW,

UH, THE, UH, THE, UH, GIRLS.

COME ON. IT'S REAL IMPORTANT.

YOU KNOW, UH...

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU.

I EVEN WENT TO YOUR HOUSE.

I KNOW YOU AND JAY AREN'T GETTING ALONG,

BUT IT'S MY CALLS YOU'RE NOT RETURNING.

I REALLY MISS YOU,

AND I WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU WOULD COME TO MY BIRTHDAY PARTY.

YOU'RE HAVING A BIRTHDAY PARTY? YEAH.

HEY, WE LOVE TO PARTY!

YEAH. BET YOU DO.

WE LOVE BIRTHDAYS.

YEAH, LISTEN, IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME,

I'D LOVE TO INVITE YOU,

EVEN THOUGH MY HOUSE IS REAL SMALL

AND, YOU KNOW, WE'RE EATING REAL LIGHT.

I'M NOT GOING IF JAY'S GOING TO BE THERE.

COME ON. HE'S A NICE GUY.

FINE. I'M SURE HE IS, AND I'M GLAD YOU LIKE HIM.

IT'S JUST THAT I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE AROUND HIM,

AND I DON'T WANT TO RUIN YOUR PARTY.

OH, YOU WON'T RUIN MY PARTY.

OH, YES, I WILL.

WELL, THERE GOES ANOTHER GIFT.

YOU GUYS MIND? I NEED TO TALK TO JAY ALONE FOR A SECOND.

OH, OK.

WHAT'S UP, BUDDY?

LISTEN, JAY, I HAVE KIND OF A PROBLEM.

LET ME GUESS.

KATE DOESN'T WANT ME AT THE PARTY.

WOW.

OK, I'M THINKING OF A COLOR.

LOOK, I KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

IT'S COOL. I WON'T GO.

THANKS. KATE'S JUST IN A WEIRD PLACE RIGHT NOW.

THAT CARNIVAL GUY, SHE THOUGHT HE WAS MR. RIGHT

EVER SINCE HE GUESSED HER WEIGHT.

HEY, MAN. HAVE A GOOD TIME.

YOU KNOW, IT IS MY BIRTHDAY.

YOU COULD TRY TO FIGHT IT A LITTLE BIT.

OK.

CAN I PLEASE COME TO YOUR PARTY?

OH, DON'T EMBARRASS YOURSELF, MAN.

HAVE FUN.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO PICK BETWEEN TWO FRIENDS.

HEY, HE WAS THE ONE WHO BROKE YOUR LAVA LAMP

AND BLAMED IT ON THE WIND.

HEY, HE TOOK YOUR BEER AND SAID

THEY FORGOT TO PUT IT IN THE GROCERY BAG.

I DID NOT. I DID NOT. YOU'RE THE ONE...

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU GUYS.

OH. OH.

HI THERE.

YOU GUYS GOING TO BE AT DREW'S PARTY?

UH... I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP.

'CAUSE IF YOU'RE THERE, WE'RE THERE.

WE WANT TO PARTY WITH YOU.

YOU BRING ME SOME OF THAT PARTY, GIRL.

I'M IN A RELATIONSHIP.

I MADE A DIRTY CAKE.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?

ISN'T THAT THE...

NO.

ISN'T THAT WHERE THAT GOES?

NO.

WELL, THEN, IT'S A MAN WITH A POINTY HAT.

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ DEAR DREW ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ TO YOU ♪

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DREW.

I'M GLAD I'M HERE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU.

IS THIS ME WITH THE POINTY HAT?

UH-HUH.

AND NOW, PART OF THE EVENING

YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR...

DRUMROLL, PLEASE.

DREW CAREY, THIS IS YOUR LIFE.

OH. I HOPE I GET TO GO TO THE PROM THIS TIME.

OK, DREW CAREY,

DO YOU REMEMBER... THIS VOICE?

WHAT VOICE?

THIS VOICE?

IT'S YOU.

OK.

HOW ABOUT THIS VOICE?

Man: DREW, IF YOU TELL ANYONE ABOUT THIS, EVER,

I'LL KILL YOU!

UNCLE BOB!

GET OUT HERE, OSWALD.

OK, YOU GOT THAT ONE.

BUT YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET THIS ONE.

I'VE PLAYED IN THREE WORLD SERIES,

I'VE GOT OVER 3,000 HITS AND 450 HOME RUNS,

7 GOLD GLOVES, 12 ALL-STAR GAMES,

AND BEEN DRAFTED IN THREE PROFESSIONAL SPORTS.

THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE DAVE WINFIELD.

HOLY COW!

DAVE WINFIELD!

YOU MUST BE DREW CAREY.

WOW!

WOW!

WAIT, WAIT. I THOUGHT YOU TWO KNEW EACH OTHER.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT HE EATS, YOU KNOW HIS FAVORITE COLOR.

YOU KNOW WHAT HE LOOKS FOR IN A WOMAN.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WENT TO SCHOOL TOGETHER OR SOMETHING.

NO, I'M JUST A BIG FAN.

THEN WHY ARE YOU HERE?

YOU SAID THERE WAS A 12-FOOT SUB SANDWICH HERE.

OH!

HEY, YOU WANT TO GO UP TO MY ROOM

AND SEE MY SPORTS TROPHIES?

WOULD I! LET'S GO.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, WAIT. THERE'S ONE MORE VOICE.

DREW, I WAS SITTING HOME ALONE THINKING, THIS IS STUPID.

MY FRIEND'S HAVING A BIRTHDAY,

AND WHAT'S THE HARM IF I CAME OVER,

GAVE HIM HIS PRESENT, AND LEFT?

AND, KATE, PUT THE CAKE KNIFE DOWN. I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.

NICE TRY, JAY.

BUT YOU HAD TO DELIVER THE PRESENT TONIGHT?

IT'S PERISHABLE.

WHAT IS IT?

A FUDGSICLE.

FUDGSICLE. I LIKE ANYTHING ON A STICK.

OK. OK. NOW GO HOME.

COME ON, KATE. BE A SPORT.

LET HIM STAY TILL THE BEER RUNS OUT.

HEY, DREW, CAN I DRINK DIRECTLY FROM THE TAP?

ON SECOND THOUGHT,

LET HIM STAY TILL THE CAKE RUNS OUT.

GOT ANY MORE CAKE?

COME ON. JUST LET HIM STAY FOR AN HOUR.

FINE. WE COULD USE A PIÑATA.

HEY, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S FULL OF CRAP.

OK, THAT'S IT. GIRLFRIENDS?

DO YOU SEE THIS GUY?

HE SAID YOU MAY LOOK STRONG,

BUT YOU COULDN'T LIFT DIDDLY OVER YOUR HEADS.

COME HERE, DIDDLY.

AH HA HA!

ALL RIGHT. THAT'S IT.

YOU TWO ACT LIKE A COUPLE OF THIRD-GRADERS.

THERE IS NO REASON YOU COULDN'T GET ALONG.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO GET YOUR BUTTS IN THAT KITCHEN

AND DON'T COME OUT TILL YOU WORK THESE THINGS OUT.

REMEMBER. NO GOUGING, NO HITTIN' BELOW THE BELT, NO HAIR-PULLING,

AND, JAY, HOPE YOU'RE WEARING A CUP.

WELL, NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID?

NOT ONLY DID YOU RUIN THE PARTY,

BUT YOU MADE A SPECTACLE OF BOTH OF US.

LOOK. WE GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT HERE.

JUST BECAUSE I USED YOUR STUPID CAR IN THAT STUPID GAME

DOESN'T MEAN I'M TRYING TO REPLACE YOU.

OOH, REPLACE ME. OOH, MY DEEPEST FEAR.

YOU REALLY SEE INTO MY SOUL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU ARE THE BOSSIEST, MOST SELF-CENTERED WOMAN

I HAVEN'T DIVORCED YET!

OH, I'M SELF-CENTERED?

YOU TALKING ABOUT HOW GOOD-LOOKING YOU ARE,

HOW CHARMING YOU ARE,

HOW MUCH I'M ATTRACTED TO YOU...

YOU, YOU, YOU!

I NEVER SAID YOU WERE ATTRACTED TO ME.

I...

BUT DON'T PRETEND LIKE YOU DON'T THINK I'M NOT!

IT'S A... LITTLE TOO QUIET IN THERE.

SHE MUST HAVE GONE FOR THE VOICE BOX FIRST.

HI.

I JUST GOT ENGAGED.

YOU WANT TO DANCE?

WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, I...

DID MY VOICE GO UP? 'CAUSE THAT WASN'T A QUESTION.

UH, HOLD THAT THOUGHT.

ER, DON'T HOLD ON TO THAT.

ON SECOND THOUGHT, HOLD THAT,

AND LET ME GO CHECK ON SOMETHING THAT'S GOING ON HERE.

KATE!

AH! OH!

JAY!

THAT BASTARD HIT ME IN THE MOUTH WITH HIS FACE!

TWICE.

SO, UH, I TAKE IT YOU TWO HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME FRIENDS?

NO, I THINK THEY'VE BEEN KISSING.

SO LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.

ONE MINUTE YOU'RE MORTAL ENEMIES,

AND THEN THE NEXT MINUTE, YOU'RE JUST MAKING OUT?

EXCUSE ME. I GOT TO GO PICK A FIGHT WITH THE BIG BLONDE.

UH, YOU KNOW, JAY, NOW THAT YOU'RE DATING KATE,

A LITTLE BIT OF ADVICE... UH, SHE LIKES TO WIN.

YEAH, I FOUND THAT OUT AFTER OUR FIRST DATE.

SHE SAID, "YOU WANNA RACE TO THE CAR?"

AND THEN SHE TRIPPED ME.

CAN I HELP IT IF I HAVE BIG FEET?

AND IF YOU EVER CRITICIZE HER,

SHE'LL REMIND YOU OF IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN...

SO, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MY LITTLE KATE?

WELL, WHEN SHE SAYS STOP TICKLING, STOP TICKLING.

'CAUSE SHE'LL PEE HER PANTS.

ONCE. AND I WAS ONLY 24.

OH, AND IF YOU EVER TAKE HER TO AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT PLACE,

DON'T, 'CAUSE SHE DOESN'T EAT FOR LIKE TWO DAYS BEFORE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT. THAT'LL DO.

OH, YEAH. I GOT ONE. WAIT.

SOMETIMES IT GETS SO COLD, HER NOSE STARTS TO RUN.

SHE CAN'T FEEL IT...

OK, THAT'S IT! NOT ONE MORE WORD!

COME ON. WE HAVE PICTURES.

AAH!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE www.ncicap.org...