Original subtitles

HEY, SORRY I'M LATE.

I WAS UP ALL NIGHT PREPARING FOR MY LAWSUIT

YOU KNOW, ABOUT THAT ALLEGEDLY SEXIST CARTOON I PUT UP.

I'M, UH, DEFENDING MYSELF.

SO, UH, I'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE

THAT THE DREW CAREY LEGAL DEFENSE FUND

IS NOW ACCEPTING DONATIONS FOR COURT COSTS.

COME ON, FOR 20 BUCKS, YOU GET A FRONT ROW SEAT IN THE COURTROOM.

FOR 50 BUCKS, YOU GET TO SIT ON MY LAP IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.

OH, WELL. THANKS FOR LETTING ME IN YOUR CARPOOL.

WELL, WE NEEDED ANOTHER MEMBER

SINCE BERGMAN IN HOUSEWARES FELL OFF THE WAGON.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.

UM, I-I DRINK BEER,

BUT I'M ONLY KILLING TIME UNTIL MY INTERVENTION.

WE'RE NOT ALCOHOLICS. THIS IS THE EX-SMOKERS' CARPOOL.

OH, GOOD FOR YOU. HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?

NO TALKING!

[TURNS ON RADIO]

HEY! HEY! HEY!

JEEZ, SORRY.

[SIGHS]

♪ HOW'S IT GOIN' BACK THERE? ♪

♪ YOU DIDN'T SAY NO SINGIN' ♪

♪ YOU ONLY SAID NO TALKIN' ♪

♪ HOW'S IT GOIN' BACK THERE? ♪

I NEED A PIECE OF NICOTINE GUM.

UH, I HAVE SOME CHICLETS IF THAT'LL HELP.

MAN. NEXT WEEK I'M GETTIN' A RIDE WITH THE ALCOHOLICS.

THEY MAY NOT ALWAYS GET TO WORK,

BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE FUN TRYING.

OH, JOHNSON.

UH... THOSE ARE CANDY CIGARETTES.

THAT'S PART OF MY THERAPY.

HERE, I'LL TAKE THOSE. AH-AH!

NO, JOHNSON, THESE SMELL LIKE REAL CIGARETTES TO ME.

UNFILTERED, EXTRA TAR.

THEY DON'T EVEN HAVE A WARNING LABEL.

COME ON, GIVE 'EM HERE!

AH, AH, AH! I'M GONNA DROP THEM. I'LL DROP THEM.

NOW I'M MR. POPULARITY ALL OF A SUDDEN, HUH?

NOW WE'RE GONNA DO THINGS MY WAY.

READY?

♪ FOR DREW'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ FOR DREW'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

♪ FOR DREW'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW ♪

BIG FINISH. COME ON.

♪ AND SO SAY ALL OF US ♪

♪ MOON OVER PARMA, BRING MY LOVE TO ME TONIGHT ♪

♪ GOT HER TO CLEVELAND UNDERNEATH YOUR SILVERY LIGHT ♪

♪ WE'RE GOIN' BOWLIN' ♪

♪ SO DON'T LOSE HER IN SOLON... ♪

♪ MOON OVER PARMA TONIGHT ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

UH, HELLO, PHILLIP?

YEAH, THIS IS DREW SMITH

FROM THE CLEVELAND BAR ASSOCIATION.

I'M CALLING ALL THE LAWYERS

TO MAKE SURE THEY'RE UP TO SNUFF ON, UH...

THE LAWS.

SO, POP QUIZ...

HOW WOULD YOU DEFEND A GUY

WHO'S BEING SUED BY ANOTHER EMPLOYEE

FOR DISPLAYING A CARTOON OF A CATERPILLAR MAKING IT WITH A FRENCH FRY?

YEAH, YEAH, THAT'S THE ONE. UH-HUH.

OK, MAXWELL VS... WAIT.

MAXWELL VS. THOMAS, '71. RIGHT, 1971...

UH, OVERTURNED ON APPEAL. RIGHT.

APPURTENANCES NOTWITHSTANDING.

CAN YOU SPELL "APPURTENANCES" FOR ME?

SO... OH, WAIT, I CAN'T KEEP... WAIT, LISTEN...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

LISTEN, CAN YOU JUST TELL ME THE NAME

OF A GOOD KIELBASY, YOU KNOW, HOT DOG STAND

RIGHT BY THE STATE COURT BUILDING?

UH-HUH, THANKS.

OK, YOU PASS THIS TIME, BUT JUST WATCH IT.

HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING, DREW?

WELL, AFTER A GREAT DEAL OF LEGAL RESEARCH,

I CAME UP WITH A STRATEGY.

I GOT $10,000 AND A FAKE BEARD IN MY CAR.

ANYBODY WANNA GO TO CANADA?

I'M NEVER GONNA WIN THIS CASE.

THERE'S TOO MUCH TO GO THROUGH.

I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING IN THOSE BOOKS THAT'LL HELP ME.

HOW'D YOUR RESEARCH GO?

WELL, GOOD NEWS.

I DID FIND ONE CASE WHERE SOMEONE WHO WASN'T A LAWYER

MANAGED TO SUCCESSFULLY DEFEND THEMSELVES IN COURT.

NOW, IT WAS BACK IN 1692... "McINTOSH...

"MclNTOSH VS. SALEM."

LEWIS, THIS WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE A WITCH TRIAL,

WOULD IT?

WELL, IT DOESN'T SPECIFY.

BUT THIS McINTOSH WOMAN GOT ALL HER CHARGES DROPPED

BY ALLOWING HERSELF TO BE BURNED TO DEATH.

SO IT CAN BE DONE.

AND THE BAD NEWS?

FREEDOM OF SPEECH PROTECTION

DOESN'T APPLY TO CASES OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT.

HOW DID I HARASS NORA BY PUTTING UP THAT CARTOON?

DEFINE SEXUAL HARASSMENT FOR ME.

WELL, SIMPLY PUT,

"SEXUAL HARASSMENT IS ANY UNWELCOME SEXUAL ADVANCE."

THAT'S EVERY SEXUAL ADVANCE I MAKE.

OH, DREW, I KNOW A LOT OF WOMEN

WHO WOULD FIND YOUR SEXUAL ADVANCES PERFECTLY WELCOME.

OH, YEAH, GIVE ME YOUR BEST THREE.

THREE? YOU WANT THREE?

HOW 'BOUT YOU?

DID YOU GET ANY DIRT ON THIS WOMAN?

WELL, I FOLLOWED HER LIKE YOU SAID,

AND I GOT A LOT OF PICTURES.

OK, THIS IS SOME LITTER I THINK NORA DROPPED.

THIS IS A PARKING METER THAT RAN OUT

RIGHT AFTER NORA DROVE OFF.

THESE ARE SOME REAL YOUNG KIDS SMOKING.

THIS IS A GHETTO.

THIS IS HATRED,

AND THIS IS HUNGER.

WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS HAVE TO DO WITH NORA?

NOTHING.

I'M SORRY, DREW. I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING.

[SIGHS] WELL, I MIGHT AS WELL GET THIS OVER WITH.

I NEED A BIG FAVOR FROM YOU GUYS.

ON THE OFF CHANCE THAT I LOSE THIS CASE,

I WANT TO MAKE SURE MY ASSETS ARE PROTECTED.

SO, KATE, I NEED YOU TO SIGN HERE.

TAKE THE TITLE TO MY CAR.

AND, LEWIS, BUDDY, I NEED YOUR SIGNATURE HERE.

YOU TAKE OVER THE DEED TO MY HOUSE.

OH, I DON'T KNOW, DREW, I WAS HOPING MY FIRST HOME

MIGHT BE SOMETHING A LITTLE NICER.

WOW, EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH,

SALESMAN OF THE YEAR.

THIS IS A VERY IMPRESSIVE RESUME, MR. SCHULTZ.

UH, I JUST HAVE ONE LAST QUESTION.

UM...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT CARTOON?

UH... IT'S FUNNY,

VERY CLEVER.

I'M GLAD YOU JUST SAID THAT BECAUSE,

SEE, HERE AT WINFRED-LOUDER,

WE JUST DON'T WANT THE BEST SALESMEN,

WE WANT THE SALESMEN WITH THE BEST SENSE OF HUMOR.

PEOPLE WITHOUT HUMOR CAUSE TROUBLE.

HA HA HA HA!

OH, THAT REMINDS ME OF A JOKE.

AH, BUT I SHOULDN'T.

COME ON, YOU CAN TELL ME.

OH, IT'S A BIT OFF-COLOR.

I WON'T TELL.

OK. THREE GUYS GO INTO A BAR, MR. SCHULTZ.

A PRIEST, A RABBI, AND A KRAUT.

UH-HUH.

I'M SORRY. DID I SAY KRAUT?

I MEANT, A PRIEST, A RABBI, AND AN... INDIAN.

AMERICAN INDIAN OR INDIAN FROM INDIA?

BOTH.

GOTCHA.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS A PRIEST, A RABBI, A KRAUT,

TWO INDIANS, THREE FEMINISTS, A DOLPHIN, A GAY GUY,

AND A HONKY.

GO ON.

MR. SCHULTZ, WELCOME TO WINFRED-LOUDER.

OH, DREW, I'VE GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU.

I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU, TOO,

BUT THE OTHER ONE'S JAMMED IN THE CHAMBER.

YOU KNOW, I THINK, UH...

I THINK HITLER'S IN THAT JOKE, TOO.

TAKE IT EASY, PAL, YOU GOT THE JOB.

MIMI, IS THIS THING FOR REAL?

NEW COMPANY POLICY.

ANY BIG WORDS YOU WANT ME TO EXPLAIN?

THEY CAN'T FORCE PEOPLE TO TAKE DOWN ALL THEIR PERSONAL STUFF

JUST BECAUSE IT MIGHT OFFEND SOMEBODY.

"CALENDARS, RELIGIOUS SYMBOLS, PERSONAL PHOTOGRAPHS."

THIS COVERS EVERYTHING.

NOT QUITE. YOU'RE STILL HERE.

OH, LIKE YOU COULD THROW ME OUT.

I'D LIKE TO TRY.

WAIT, LET ME CALL THE NATURE CHANNEL

SO I CAN GET THIS ONE ON TAPE.

HEY.

HEY. THANKS FOR COMIN'.

SO, UH, DO I LOOK LIKE A LAWYER?

YEAH, IF YOU'RE DEBATING LINCOLN.

WELL, I THINK I LOOK GOOD.

I'M HOPING THE OTHER LAWYERS WEAR CLAM DIGGERS.

YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU RIGHT NOW, MAN.

I MEAN, THIS IS SCARY AS HELL.

YOU'RE DEFENDING YOURSELF AGAINST REAL LAWYERS

KNOWING NEXT TO NOTHING ABOUT THE JUSTICE SYSTEM,

AND THEN SOME JUDGE, WHO'S A COMPLETE STRANGER,

IS GONNA DECIDE YOUR FATE.

WOW!

OH, THOSE KIELBASIES AREN'T SITTIN' SO GOOD RIGHT NOW.

MR. CAREY, I JUST, UH,

WANT TO WISH YOU GOOD LUCK BEFORE WE GET STARTED.

I GOTTA ADMIRE SOMEBODY WITH THE COURAGE

TO DEFEND THEMSELVES.

WELL, YOU DON'T NEED A LAWYER

WHEN YOU HAVE TRUTH ON YOUR SIDE.

[LAUGHING]

AND THUNDER, THAT'S JUST GOD BOWLING.

[LAUGHING]

HA HA HA...

I'M SCREWED.

ALL RISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE WHITE.

MORNING, EVERYONE. PLEASE BE SEATED.

IF THE PROSECUTION HAS AN OPENING STATEMENT,

IT MAY BEGIN.

BEFORE THAT, YOUR HONOR,

I'D LIKE TO MOTION THAT THIS CASE BE DISMISSED

ON THE GROUNDS THAT IT'S JUST ANOTHER NUISANCE LAWSUIT

THAT'S WASTING TAXPAYER MONEY AND YOUR VALUABLE TIME,

WHICH COULD BE BETTER SPENT MODELING.

GIVEN THAT THIS IS A CASE ABOUT SEXUAL HARASSMENT,

WOULD YOU LIKE TO REPHRASE THAT, MR. CAREY?

IT WAS THE MODELING PART, RIGHT?

JUST DON'T TAKE THAT DOWN.

HEY, STOP TYPING.

KNOCK IT OFF.

I SAID KNOCK IT OFF!

THE PERSON WHO TYPES THIS IS AN IDIOT.

SIT DOWN, MR. CAREY.

THANK YOU. YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOUR HONOR, THE PROSECUTION WILL PRESENT

A PREPONDERANCE OF EVIDENCE

THAT THE DEFENDANT, MR. DREW CAREY,

HARASSED THE PLAINTIFF, MS. NORA O'DOUGHERTY,

BY FORCING HER TO READ OFFENSIVE MATERIAL

INCLUDED IN A COMPANY MEMO.

AND THIS LED TO THE CREATION OF A HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

IF THE DEFENSE HAS AN OPENING STATEMENT,

YOU MAY BEGIN.

YOUR HONOR, I WILL SHOW

THAT THIS CASE IS COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS.

WE'LL ALL HAVE A GOOD LAUGH

AND THEN DRINKS ARE ON ME.

All: HEY! ALL RIGHT!

MS. BOBECK, WOULD YOU MIND TELLING US

YOUR REACTION WHEN YOU SAW THE CARTOON?

I THOUGHT IT WAS SEXIST.

THE FRENCH FRY WAS SAYING NO,

BUT THE CATERPILLAR WAS FORCING HER.

OBJECTION.

YOUR HONOR, THE WITNESS IS EXPRESSING OPINION

REGARDING THE GENDER OF THE FRENCH FRY.

THE CARTOON DOESN'T SAY WHETHER THE FRY IS FEMALE.

YES, BUT THE FRENCH FRY IS BRING MOUNTED.

YES, BUT MEN CAN BE MOUNTED, YOU KNOW, SOME MEN.

SUSTAINED.

WHOO! YEAH!

[GAVEL BANGS]

SORRY, YOUR HONOR. IT'S JUST... YOU KNOW,

IT'S MY... IT'S MY FIRST OBJECTION.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS, YOUR HONOR.

THE DEFENSE MAY CROSS-EXAMINE.

UH, MISS BOBECK, IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME...

WOULD YOU MIND TELLING THE COURT

EXACTLY WHAT YOU TOLD ME IN THE COURT HALLWAY

RIGHT BEFORE WE STARTED THIS MORNING?

AND REMEMBER, THERE WERE WITNESSES.

I SAID, "I THINK YOU'RE A DISGUSTING PIG,

AND I HATE YOUR GUTS WITH AN ALL-CONSUMING PASSION."

AFTER THAT.

I'D DO ANYTHING I HAVE TO TO GET YOU PUT AWAY.

AFTER THAT.

YOU FOUR-EYED BUTT WEASEL.

YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKE YOU TO CONSIDER THIS WITNESS' TESTIMONY IMPEACHED.

AND I'D ALSO REQUEST A 10-MINUTE RECESS

BECAUSE, WELL, THAT HURT.

DR. SINGER, IN YOUR OPINION AS A PSYCHIATRIST,

DOES MS. O'DOUGHERTY SUFFER FROM ANY OF THE SYMPTOMS

COMMONLY ASSOCIATED WITH BEING A VICTIM OF A HOSTILE WORKPLACE?

YES, SHE SUFFERS FROM ALL OF THEM.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS, YOUR HONOR.

DR. SINGER, WOULD YOU MIND TELLING US

EXACTLY, YOU KNOW, WHAT THOSE SYMPTOMS ARE?

WELL, THE VICTIM OFTEN SUFFERS A LOSS OF SELF-ESTEEM.

THEY MAY FEEL ABUSED, WORTHLESS,

AND HAVE DIFFICULTY PERFORMING THEIR JOB.

THAT'S HALF THE COUNTRY ON A MONDAY.

ISN'T IT POSSIBLE THAT SHE SUFFERED FROM THESE SYMPTOMS

BEFORE SHE SAW THE CARTOON?

OH, IT'S POSSIBLE,

BUT IN LIGHT OF THAT CARTOON, I DON'T SEE HOW...

DR. SINGER, DID YOU EVEN SEE THE CARTOON

THAT OFFENDED MISS O'DOUGHERTY? YES.

WELL, THEN, TELL THE TRUTH... DID YOU FIND IT FUNNY?

NO.

REALLY? NOT A LITTLE BIT?

NOT EVEN A CHUCKLE OR A SMIRK?

NO.

WELL, THEN, DR. SINGER, JUST WHAT DO YOU FIND FUNNY?

PAULY SHORE.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS, YOUR HONOR.

AND WHAT WAS YOUR REACTION WHEN YOU SAW THE CARTOON, MRS. O'DOUGHERTY?

HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL?

I FELT HARASSED... SEXUALLY.

AND IT MADE MY WORKPLACE FEEL VERY HOSTILE.

AND DID THIS AFFECT YOUR PERFORMANCE ON THE JOB?

OH, NOT AT FIRST.

BUT THEN HE PUT THAT CARTOON UP

ON THE WALL OF HIS CUBICLE,

AND I HAD TO FACE IT EVERY DAY.

I COULDN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

I COULDN'T SLEEP, I COULDN'T EAT.

I...

THAT CATERPILLAR IS SMILING.

YOUR HONOR, I REQUEST A SHORT RECESS.

THIS HAS BEEN VERY DIFFICULT FOR MY CLIENT.

GRANTED.

THE COURT WILL TAKE A 15-MINUTE RECESS.

HEY, CALL ME CRAZY,

BUT I THINK WE GOT THEM.

MAN, IF I WASN'T IN DEEP ENOUGH ALREADY.

THE JUDGE IS TOUGH, HER LAWYER'S A SHARK,

AND THESE SUSPENDERS ARE CHAFFING MY NIPPLES.

AND NORA WITH THAT CRYING.

I MEAN, COME ON.

SHE MUST HAVE BEEN UP ALL NIGHT REHEARSING THAT.

WELL, TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME.

WHEN I TESTIFY TOMORROW, JUST GIVE ME THE SIGNAL

AND THE TEARS WILL POUR.

I TELL YOU, CRYING HAS GOTTEN ME

OUT OF FIGHTS AND SPEEDING TICKETS

AND REALLY BAD SEX.

THERE'S A GREAT STORY BEHIND THAT ONE,

BUT IT'S NOT FLATTERING.

DREW, I CAN MAKE MYSELF SNEEZE.

I CAN VOMIT AT WILL.

LISTEN, THANKS, GUYS,

BUT I DON'T THINK IT'S GOING TO COME DOWN TO THAT.

I MEAN, I DON'T THINK

THINGS ARE GOING THAT BADLY.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS THINK?

I'M WONDERING IF A LAP POOL WOULD FIT IN YOUR BACKYARD.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

OH, DREW WANTED TO PROTECT HIS ASSETS,

SO HE SIGNED HIS CAR OVER TO ME

AND HIS HOUSE OVER TO LEWIS.

OH...

IT'S JUST A LEGAL MANEUVER, OSWALD.

THEY'RE NOT GETTING ANYTHING.

OH, I SEE.

YOU CAN'T GIVE ANYTHING TO TWO OF YOUR FRIENDS

WHILE I CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH NOTHING.

OSWALD, I'D BE HONORED

IF YOU TOOK MY STEREO.

YOU CAN LISTEN TO IT OVER AT MY NEW HOUSE.

OH, COME ON. I'M NOT GOING TO LOSE.

I GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.

HEY, DREW, 'CAUSE OF YOU I HAD TO TAKE DOWN

MY GIRLS ON CORVETTES CALENDAR.

I JUST WANT TO SAY, I SUPPORT YOUR RIGHT TO BE A MORON.

ALL RIGHT. Both: WHOA! WHOA!

I CAN TAKE HIM.

DOES ANYONE DOUBT I CAN TAKE HIM?

NO. NO, NO, NO.

ALL RIGHT. SORRY.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WERE HALF THE MAN SHE IS,

YOU WOULDN'T KEEP TAKING THIS.

LOOK, JIMMY, IT'S BEEN A LONG DAY.

SO JUST BACK OFF, OK?

HEY, DREW, LET ME KNOW

IF YOU FIND ANY OF THESE FRIES ATTRACTIVE.

I'VE BEEN WAITING TO TAG THIS GUY SINCE HIGH SCHOOL, DREW.

AND NOW THAT HE'S HAD 30 BEERS, I THINK I COULD TAKE HIM.

LET IT GO, OSWALD. JUST IGNORE HIM.

MY LEG FELL ASLEEP.

GO AHEAD. I'LL WATCH THE TABLE.

WAS MR. CAREY AWARE OF WHAT TIME

WE WERE STARTING TODAY?

YES, YOUR HONOR.

MORNING.

SORRY I'M LATE, BUT WE HAD THIS BIG LOCKDOWN.

AND THEN THEY MADE US ALL COUNT OFF.

MR. CAREY, WOULD YOU CARE

TO EXPLAIN THIS TO THE COURT?

OH, IT'S REALLY JUST A LONG STORY.

IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE CASE.

WHAT ARE THE CHARGES?

AGGRAVATED ASSAULT.

BUT, YOU KNOW, ENOUGH ABOUT ME.

YOUR HONOR, I'D LIKE TO GET THINGS ROLLING ALONG

'CAUSE I HAVE ANOTHER HEARING IN AN HOUR.

CALL YOUR FIRST WITNESS.

AHEM.

THE DEFENSE CALLS MISS KATE O'BRIEN.

SORRY WE COULDN'T BAIL YOU OUT, MAN.

THE JUDGE WANTED YOU TO COOL OFF FOR A NIGHT IN THE TANK.

THAT'S OK, OSWALD. JAIL MADE ME STRONGER.

AND I LEARNED THAT WHICH DOESN'T KILL YOU

WILL PROTECT YOU FOR TWO CARTONS OF KOOLS.

MR. CAREY.

MS. O'BRIEN, WHAT IS YOUR OPINION

OF THE DEFENDANT'S CHARACTER?

HE'S GREAT.

HE'S REALLY SWEET AND GOOD-NATURED.

I'D SAY HE'S ONE OF THE MOST WONDERFUL GUYS

IN THE WORLD.

REALLY?

YOU THINK THE DEFENDANT IS HANDSOME?

UH... REMEMBER, YOU'RE UNDER OATH.

OBJECTION. IRRELEVANT.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO ADD A LITTLE LEVITY, YOUR HONOR.

I BELIEVE THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

GET ON WITH IT.

MISS O'BRIEN,

YOU WORK AT THE WINFRED-LOUDER DEPARTMENT STORE.

WERE YOU OFFENDED BY THAT CARTOON?

OFFENDED? LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE MODEST AND OLD-FASHIONED,

BUT WHEN I SAW THAT CARTOON,

I ALMOST PEED MY PANTS.

HELL, I WAS THINKING ABOUT HAVING THAT SUCKER TATTOOED ON MY...

OBJECTION!

SHE'S YOUR WITNESS, MR. CAREY.

NOT ANYMORE, SHE AIN'T.

WHY?

YOU CAN HAVE HER.

SEE IF SHE DOES ANY BETTER FOR YOU.

AS LONG AS I'VE KNOWN DREW,

I'VE NEVER HEARD HIM TELL A DIRTY JOKE.

HE'S NEVER SAID A DISPARAGING WORD TO A LADY.

HE'S KIND TO ANIMALS

AND NOT JUST THE CUTE ONES.

AND DOES THE DEFENDANT GIVE TO CHARITIES?

YES, HE CERTAINLY DOES.

I DIDN'T MENTION THAT BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO EMBARRASS HIM.

YOU SEE, HE'S ALSO THE HUMBLE...

MOST HUMBLE MAN I KNOW.

AND THIS IS YOUR UNBIASED OPINION?

YOU'RE NOT BEING PAID

NOR ARE YOU UNDER ANY FINANCIAL OBLIGATION TO THE DEFENDANT?

NOT ANYMORE.

NO FURTHER QUESTIONS, YOUR HONOR.

YES...

NO.

I MEAN, YES.

COULD YOU REPEAT THE QUESTION?

DO YOU SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH...

THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH?

YOU KNOW WHAT? NO FURTHER QUESTIONS, YOUR HONOR.

IN SUMMATION, WE'VE ESTABLISHED

THAT MS. O'DOUGHERTY WAS FORCED TO VIEW THE CARTOON

AND HAS SUFFERED THE INDIGNITIES OF A HOSTILE WORKPLACE.

YOUR HONOR, I KNOW YOU'LL AWARD THE DAMAGES WE REQUEST.

I ONLY HOPE THAT WILL PUT AN END TO THE TRAUMA.

THANK YOU.

THE DEFENSE MAY OFFER ITS CLOSING ARGUMENT.

I THINK IT'S TIME WE SEE WHAT ALL THE FUSS IS ABOUT.

OH, GIVE ME A BREAK.

YOUR HONOR, THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.

MY CLIENT SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FACE THIS OBSCENITY.

I ASK THAT SHE BE ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE COURTROOM.

THE PLAINTIFF MAY BE EXCUSED.

BOY. WAS IT ME, OR WAS SHE DRAGGING THIS WHOLE PLACE DOWN?

MR. CAREY!

I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR

ANOTHER EMOTIONAL OUTBURST.

ALL RIGHT, THEN HERE'S MY CLOSING STATEMENT.

THIS IS INSANE.

UH, HERE'S A JOKE THAT WON'T OFFEND ANYBODY.

A PERSON AND A PERSON WALK INTO A PLACE.

THERE. THAT'S IT. THANK YOU.

HAS EVERYONE IN THIS COUNTRY LOST THEIR SENSE OF HUMOR?

GEEZ, WHAT ARE WE LIVING IN, CHINA?

YOU KNOW THE GUY IN TIANANMEN SQUARE?

HE WASN'T TRYING TO STOP A TANK.

HE WAS TRYING TO TELL A FUNNY KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE.

KNOCK, KNOCK. WHO'S THERE?

A BIG-ASS TANK.

AND IN SUMMATION...

LIGHTEN UP, PEOPLE.

THE COURT ACCEPTS THAT AS YOUR STATEMENT.

BAILIFF, RETRIEVE THE PLAINTIFF FOR THE VERDICT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I THINK WHEN YOU SEE THAT LITTLE CARTOON ON A MEMO,

IT'S ONE THING.

BUT WHEN YOU BLOW IT UP LIKE THAT, UGH. IT'S DISGUSTING.

I'VE REACHED A DECISION.

THE COURT FINDS THAT THE PLAINTIFF

WAS FORCED TO VIEW MATERIAL

THAT SHE CONSIDERED OFFENSIVE.

OH, MAN.

MR. CAREY, MAY I DIGRESS FOR A MOMENT

TO TELL YOU THAT THE PERSON

WHO DID MOST DAMAGE TO YOUR CASE WAS YOU.

HEY, KATE WAS PRETTY BAD.

AT ANY RATE,

GIVEN THAT THE MATERIAL IN QUESTION IS A CARTOON

ABOUT A CATERPILLAR MAKING ADVANCES TOWARDS A FRENCH FRY,

THE COURT FINDS THAT THIS WAS NOT SO EGREGIOUS

AS TO CREATE A HOSTILE WORKPLACE,

AND THEREFORE, THE JUDGMENT IS FOR THE DEFENDANT

MR. CAREY. CASE DISMISSED.

WHOO! YEAH, BABY!

WHOO!

YEAH!

YEAH!

YEAH.

I WON! I WON!

I WON!

WHOO! WHOO!

HEY!

CONGRATULATIONS.

AWW. YOU GUYS DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO ALL THIS TROUBLE.

OH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

WE DIDN'T GET THE IDEA TILL YOU ORDERED THE BURGER.

AND... WELL, THAT CANDLE'S BEEN IN THIS ASHTRAY FOR WEEKS.

SO MAKE A WISH, BUDDY.

I WISH THAT INTOLERANCE AND CENSORSHIP

BE VANQUISHED BY THE FORCES OF TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND LIBERTY.

AW...

BUT SINCE THAT'LL NEVER HAPPEN,

CINDY CRAWFORD'S IN A WOOL BIKINI AND I'M A MOTH.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S STILL ONE THING I'M CURIOUS ABOUT...

THE WHOLE PLAUSIBILITY OF THIS CONFUSED ATTRACTION THING.

A CATERPILLAR...

A FRENCH FRY.

NOW, TECHNICALLY...

THIS CATERPILLAR SHOULD NOT BE AROUSED

BECAUSE THIS FRENCH FRY IS NOT EXUDING ANY PHEROMONES.

HE'S HEADED TOWARDS IT.

HEY, IS THAT ANOTHER CATERPILLAR I SEE IN FRONT OF ME?

KIND OF OILY, BUT, HEY, THE BAR'S ABOUT TO CLOSE.

IT'S NOT EASY BEING A CRINKLE-CUT FRENCH FRY.

ALL THE GOOD FRIES ARE EITHER MARRIED OR GAY.

LOOK AT THAT.

THE CATERPILLAR'S GOING FOR IT.

OH! ORE IDA!

IS IT JUST ME, OR IS ANYONE ELSE GETTING TURNED ON?

IT'S JUST ME, ISN'T IT?

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE www.ncicap.org...