Original subtitles

OH, IT'S FROM DREW.

IT'S A...

PBS TOTE BAG.

OH, NICE, DREW.

YOU GET THAT FREE FOR THE MINIMUM DONATION.

NO, YOU GET THAT WHEN YOU BUY THE WATCH.

HEY, I GOT THE THREE TENORS.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS IN THERE. GIMME THAT.

I MEAN, UH, CONGRATULATIONS.

JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOUR HONEYMOON.

IF YOU WORK UP AN APPETITE, IT'S EDIBLE.

YEAH. THERE'S A BITE MISSING.

THIS ONE GOT SEPARATED FROM THE GIFT.

I'M STILL LOOKING FOR IT.

IT'S FROM KATE.

WELL, WHEREVER IT IS, THANKS, KATE.

MY PLEASURE. CONGRATULATIONS.

WHAT DID YOU, UH... WHAT DID YOU GET HER?

A CARD WITH A PIECE OF WRAPPING PAPER TAPED TO THE BACK.

WOW. NEXT OFFICE PARTY,

I'M GOING IN ON A GIFT WITH YOU.

HEY, IT'S MY FIFTH WEDDING SHOWER THIS MONTH

FOR SOMEONE I BARELY KNOW.

WHERE'S THE PARTY FOR SINGLE PEOPLE?

JUST ONCE, I'D LIKE TO BLOW OUT THE CANDLES

ON A "YES, I'M NOT PREGNANT" CAKE.

EASY, KATE. MIGHT WANT TO SAVE

SOME OF THAT BITTERNESS FOR YOUR FORTIES.

DREW, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

I WAS JUST GOING.

KATE, YOU KNOW, I COULD NEVER FIND

THAT GIFT YOU GAVE ME FOR MY BABY SHOWER.

OH. IT WAS THAT THING THEY JUMP,

YOU KNOW, WALK... RUN... EAT IN. THE TOY.

OH... RIGHT.

THANKS.

SO, WHAT, BUDDY? HOW YOU DOING?

YOU GOTTA FIRE ME.

WHAT?

LOOK, MY WIFE'S EXPECTING ANY DAY NOW,

AND I'D LOVE TO SPEND SOME TIME

WITH HER AND THE BABY.

WE BOTH KNOW I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH THIS JOB.

I MEAN, HOW LONG CAN A GUY STAY IN WOMEN'S SHOES?

HA HA HA.

ANYWAY, THE ONLY WAY I COULD AFFORD TO DO THIS

IS BY COLLECTING UNEMPLOYMENT.

THAT'D BE GREAT. YOU COULD SHOW UP

FOR YOUR KID'S CAREER DAY

WITH A BEER AND A TV GUIDE.

HEY, IF THE STORE HAD PATERNITY LEAVE,

I WOULDN'T HAVE TO ASK YOU FOR THIS.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

I DON'T KNOW. THIS IS WEIRD.

NOBODY EVER ASKED TO BE FIRED BEFORE.

ONE GUY WANTED TO BE CHASTISED AT OFFICE MEETINGS,

BUT, YOU KNOW, GO DEAL WITH THAT.

COME ON, DREW. I'D FIRE YOU IN A HEARTBEAT.

THERE'S RULES, MAN.

I COULD GET IN TROUBLE FOR THIS.

I JUST CAN'T GO FIRING PEOPLE WILLY-NILLY.

EENIE, MEENIE, MINEY, MO...

YOU'RE FIRED!

HOW ABOUT IF I HAD A BAD ATTITUDE?

HEY, THE HECK WITH YOU, BUDDY!

HOW'S THAT?

OH, MAN.

LOOK, I'LL FIRE YOU FOR THE KID.

WHAT IF I JUST PUT DOWN, UH,

I DON'T KNOW, INCOMPETENCE?

THANKS.

WHEN DID YOU HAVE LONG HAIR?

THAT'S MY MOTHER.

BETTER WATCH IT, PAL.

YOU'RE THIS CLOSE TO GETTING YOUR JOB BACK.

CONGRATULATIONS, ED.

YOU'RE FIRED.

FIRED. ALL RIGHT.

WAIT TILL I TELL MY WIFE.

WAIT. THERE'S MORE.

YOU ONLY GOT SIX MONTHS TO LIVE.

♪ MOON OVER PARMA, BRING MY LOVE TO ME TONIGHT ♪

♪ GUIDE HER TO CLEVELAND ♪

♪ UNDERNEATH YOUR SILVERY LIGHT ♪

♪ WE'RE GOIN' BOWLIN' ♪

♪ SO DON'T LOSE HER IN SOLON ♪

♪ MOON OVER PARMA, TONIGHT ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

♪ THAT'S THE WAY, UH-HUH, UH... ♪

WHOO.

♪ I LIKE IT, UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY, UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪

WHOO!

♪ I LIKE IT, UH-HUH, UH-HUH ♪

WOW. FUZZY JELL-O.

♪ DO A LITTLE DANCE, UHH, UHH ♪

♪ MAKE A LITTLE LOVE, UHH, UHH ♪

♪ GET DOWN TONIGHT, UHH, UHH ♪

♪ GET DOWN TONIGHT, OH ♪

♪ DO A LITTLE DANCE, UHH, UHH ♪

♪ MAKE A LITTLE LOVE, UHH, UHH ♪

♪ GET DOWN TONIGHT, UHH, UHH ♪

♪ GET DOWN TONIGHT ♪

AAH!

JULES!

JULES!

HEY, BUDDY.

YOU DON'T FLY, DO YOU?

DIDN'T I FLUSH YOU DOWN THE TOILET 30 YEARS AGO?

WHAT IS IT, DREW BUDDY?

I BELIEVE THIS BELONGS TO YOU.

OH, MAN.

HARLEY. HARLEY.

GO HOME.

HOME.

HARLEY...

HOME.

MAN, IS HE STUBBORN.

THAT'S THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!

YOU SAID YOU WERE GONNA GET A CAGE FOR HIM.

YOU KNOW, DREW...

WE TRY TO BE GOOD NEIGHBORS...

BUT YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE

YOU GET RATTLED OVER EVERY LITTLE THING.

I GOT A 6-FOOT LIZARD ON MY POOL TABLE!

WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO

PUTS A POOL TABLE OUTSIDE?

THAT'S JUST ASKING FOR LIZARDS.

I'M SORRY, JULES. I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO NORMAL PETS

LIKE HAMSTERS AND BATS?

Kate, yelling: HELP! OPEN UP!

Oswald: NOW, GO! ECCH!

Kate: OH! ECCH! UGH! JEEZ.

GOD! UGH. UHH!

HEY, JULES!

TELL YOUR MONKEY TO QUIT WHIPPING HIS CRAP AT MY FRIENDS!

IT'S LIKE LIVING IN A HITCHCOCK MOVIE, THIS DAMN HOUSE.

SO, WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE TONIGHT?

ANYTHING BUT ROMANCE OR PAULY SHORE.

I DON'T GET IT.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ROMANCE?

NOTHING'S WRONG WITH ROMANCE.

I'LL SEE A ROMANTIC MOVIE

AS LONG AS THERE'S BLOOD

AND EVERYBODY GETS BLOWN UP AT THE END.

LET'S SEE. WE GOT A COUPLE OF CHOICES HERE THEN...

HEADLESS IN SEATTLE

OR THE WAY WE WERE BEFORE YOU BLEW US UP.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M SORRY. I JUST CAN'T STOP THINKING

ABOUT THAT PARTY THIS MORNING.

MOST OF THE GIRLS I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH

ARE EITHER MARRIED OR GETTING MARRIED.

AND I GUESS IT'S STARTING TO KIND OF BUG ME.

MOST OF THE GUYS I WENT TO SCHOOL WITH

ARE EITHER FAT OR GETTING FAT.

YOU DON'T SEE ME CRYING ABOUT IT.

CARRY ON.

I DON'T THINK THERE'S ANY SPECIAL AGE

YOU HAVE TO GET MARRIED.

I MEAN, I THINK IT'S WHEN YOU MEET THE RIGHT PERSON.

YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, 50% OF ALL MARRIAGES IN AMERICA END IN FAILURE.

A PERSON GETS HIT BY A CAR EVERY 10 MINUTES.

2 1/2 ACRES OF RAIN FOREST DISAPPEAR EVERY SECOND.

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?

I GOT TO STOP SLEEPING WITH THE TV ON.

COME ON. YOU COULD GET A HUSBAND LIKE THAT.

YEAH. PLEASE.

I DON'T NEED A HUSBAND.

I JUST WANT A WEDDING.

I DON'T WANT A HUSBAND EITHER.

I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO APPRECIATE

HOW HARD I WORK AROUND THIS HOUSE.

OHH.

YOU GUYS DON'T GET IT.

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

I SAW MYSELF GETTING MARRIED IN A BIG CHURCH

FILLED WITH BEAUTIFUL FLOWERS,

WEARING A WHITE WEDDING DRESS,

AND I SAW MYSELF AT THE ALTAR

NEXT TO, UM, DAVID CASSIDY.

KATE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I MEAN, LOOK AT THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN.

SHE GOT MARRIED AFTER SHE WAS DEAD.

THERE'S STILL HOPE FOR YOU.

HUH? YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.

HERE I AM, SITTING WITH MY FRIENDS

FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF.

MM-HMM.

I COULD DO THIS AT HOME.

SURE. BYE.

AW, KATE.

HEY, UH, YOU SURE YOU'RE OK?

YEAH, I'M FINE.

IF YOU WANT, YOU CAN TAKE MY RAINCOAT.

YOU KNOW, IN CASE BOBO HAD A BIG BREAKFAST.

THANKS.

BOY, SHE'S REALLY OUT OF HER MIND

WITH THIS WHOLE WEDDING THING.

I MEAN, I WANT TO GET MARRIED...

IN THEORY.

YOU KNOW, WE ALL WANT TO GET MARRIED IN A PERFECT WORLD.

HEH HEH HEH.

MARRIAGE IS GREAT...

HYPOTHETICALLY.

WE'RE ALL SCARED, KID.

ANYBODY WHO SAYS DIFFERENT'S A DAMN LIAR.

HOO-HOO. HOO-HOO.

HOO-HOO. HOO-HOO.

STOP THAT. YOU'RE FREAKING ME OUT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT KATE HERE.

OH, SHE'S JUST FREAKED OUT ABOUT THE CEREMONY.

I DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THE CEREMONY,

YOU KNOW, EXCEPT WHEN I WAS DATING JACKIE.

WE DID ACTUALLY TALK ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

IN THE FLOWER GARDEN IN HER PARENTS' BACKYARD.

AND THEN YOU KNOW,

LATER ON WHEN WE COULD AFFORD IT,

WE'D HAVE A REAL CEREMONY IN VEGAS.

YOU KNOW, ELVIS IMPERSONATOR,

THE WHOLE SHEBANG.

MAN, BETWEEN YOU AND KATE, YOU TWO SHOULD GET MARRIED.

HEY, YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE,

THERE WAS THIS FRATERNITY

THAT USED TO DO THIS SHOTGUN WEDDING PARTY EVERY SPRING.

MAN, I'M TELLING YOU, IT WAS HUGE.

IT WAS LIKE A BIG GAG CEREMONY.

KATE WOULD BE THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

BOY, SHE'D LOVE IT.

THAT'S PERFECT.

THAT COULD REALLY CHEER KATE RIGHT UP.

OK. ALL WE NEED IS A WEDDING DRESS,

SOME HANDCUFFS, AND SOME FLOWERS.

HEY! I GOT ALL THAT STUFF IN MY TRUNK.

AND DREW, AS THE LUCKY GROOM,

YOU GET TO PROVIDE YOUR OWN TUX.

OH, MAN. MAYBE I COULD FIT INTO MY PROM TUX.

I'D LIKE TO WEAR IT ONCE.

HI, MIMI.

HI, PIG.

DING-DING-DING-DING-DING.

"HI, PIG."

DREW, YOU GOT A MINUTE?

ED, YOU NEW DAD YOU.

DON'T TELL ME. BABY PICTURES.

HEY, CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THOSE.

'CAUSE YOU KNOW,

BABIES LOOK SO DIFFERENT.

NO PICTURES, DREW. I GOT A PROBLEM.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IF YOU'RE HAVING ANY TROUBLE

COMING UP WITH A NAME,

I, UH... I DID FIRE YOU, YOU KNOW.

WE GAVE HIM A NAME... CHAN,

AFTER THE GUY MY WIFE HAD AN AFFAIR WITH.

WHAT?

THE BABY'S CHINESE.

AND YOUR WIFE ISN'T?

ARE YOU KIDDING? SHE WON'T EVEN EAT MANDARIN ORANGES.

ED, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO.

GIVE ME MY JOB BACK.

WHOA, ED, EVEN IF I WANTED TO,

THE POSITION'S ALREADY BEEN FILLED.

IT'S BEEN LESS THAN A WEEK. WHO'D YOU HIRE?

OH... SOME GUY NAMED WONG.

ANYWAY, I'D LOVE TO HELP YOU,

BUT I PUT MY BUTT ON THE LINE FOR YOU THE FIRST TIME.

I JUST CAN'T GO BACK THERE AND UNDO IT.

FINE, MR. RULES GUY. IF YOU NEED ME,

I'LL BE LIVING IN A CARDBOARD BOX.

IF I'M NOT THERE, TRY THE GUN SHOP.

AFTER THAT, JUST WATCH THE NEWS.

WHOA. HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

NO PROMISES, OK, BUT I'LL...

LOOK, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME

TALKING TO MY EMPLOYEES ABOUT THEIR PROBLEMS,

AND WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU

ISN'T SO OUT OF THE ORDINARY.

I MEAN, SURE,

YOU GAVE UP A JOB YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO

AND YOUR WIFE HAD SOMEBODY ELSE'S BABY...

WELL, WE'LL SEE YOU AROUND, BUDDY.

HEY. SO WHERE'S KATE?

MAN, THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT.

SHE'S IN THE BRIDAL DEPARTMENT

PUTTING ON THE DRESS.

SHE THINKS I'M DRIVING HER TO A CATALOG PHOTO SHOOT.

HOW'D YOU GET THE DRESS?

THE SAME WAY I GOT THE BIG-SCREEN TV

FOR WHEN SAVED BY THE BELL WENT TO FRANCE...

I BOUGHT IT,

AND I'M TAKING IT BACK TOMORROW.

OH, HELLO.

DIVE, DIVE.

CHECK YOU OUT, BABY. WHOO!

I'M SO LUCKY THAT MODEL GOT SICK.

THAT WILL TEACH HER

TO EAT TWICE IN ONE DAY.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

WE'RE MODELING, TOO. YEAH.

WE'RE GOING TO BE, UH...

WE'RE, UH...

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO BE, OSWALD?

BEARS. BEARS.

WAIT A S... WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH! PUT ME DOWN! KNOCK IT OFF!

OH! I'VE REALLY GOT TO GET SOME GIRLFRIENDS.

ALL RISE.

BOY, AM I GLAD I DIDN'T TELL YOU GUYS

I WANTED A BABY.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

YOU NEVER SAW A BRIDE IN HANDCUFFS

WALK DOWN THE AISLE TO POLKA MUSIC BEFORE?

WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

HEY, LOOK AT ME! I'M GETTING MARRIED!

BEFORE WE BEGIN, ONE QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT...

THE HAPPY COUPLE HAS MADE THEIR SELECTIONS

IN THE WARSAW TAVERN BRIDAL REGISTRY.

NOTHING IN CANS, BOTTLES ONLY.

ALSO, IF ANYONE'S INTERESTED IN AN '84 FORD ESCORT,

SEE ME AFTER. PADRE.

THANK YOU.

MARRIAGE... THE FINAL FRONTIER.

WE ARE GATHERED HERE

NOT ONLY TO WITNESS THE HUMILIATION OF OUR FRIEND KATE,

BUT HOPEFULLY SELL A CAR

AND, WHO KNOWS, MAYBE A USED SNOW BLOWER.

50 BUCKS. CLEAN. Man: YEAH!

DREW CAREY...

ARE YOU PREPARED TO ENTER

INTO THIS STATE OF HOLY ACRIMONY

WITH KATE O'BRIEN,

TO DRINK WITH HER, TO CLEAVE TO HER,

TO BOLDLY GO WHERE AT LEAST 20 OR 30 MEN HAVE GONE BEFORE?

WAIT, WAIT.

SINGLE DIGITS, PLEASE.

HEY, LOOK AT ME. I'M GETTING MARRIED.

THEY CAN'T BELIEVE IT EITHER, DREW.

WOULD YOU NOW PLEASE PLACE THE BEER IN HER HAND?

AND YOU, KATE O'BRIEN,

ARE YOU PREPARED TO WED DREW, TO BED DREW,

TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO WOMAN HAS GONE WILLINGLY

WITHOUT THE PROMISE OF A FREE DINNER

OR COLD, HARD CASH.

I'VE HAD WORSE.

20 OR 30 GUYS. YUCK.

LET'S GET ON WITH IT. I'M LOSING MY BUZZ.

DREW CAREY...

DO YOU TAKE KATE TO BE YOUR UNLAWFULLY WEDDED WIFE?

OW!

GOOD ENOUGH. AND YOU, KATE,

WILL YOU PLEASE TAKE DREW AS IS,

NO REFUNDS, ALL SALES FINAL,

STORE CREDIT WITH RECEIPT ONLY.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING IN MY SIZE?

IS THERE ANY REASON WHY THESE TWO

SHOULD NOT BE JOINED TOGETHER?

Crowd: YEAH!

WELL, SINCE THERE ARE NO OBJECTIONS,

I'D LIKE TO REMIND THE BRIDE

BEFORE WE TAKE THE HANDCUFFS OFF

THAT WE ONLY DID THIS TO MAKE HER HAPPY

AND IT WAS ALL DREW'S IDEA.

WITH THAT SAID, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU DRUNK AND DISORDERLY.

YOU MAY NOW KISS MY ASS.

HEY, I THOUGHT WE REGISTERED FOR A SERVICE FOR EIGHT.

YOU GOT CHEAP FRIENDS, WHAT DO YOU WANT?

HEY, ANOTHER GIFT FROM THE BOYS AT THE BAR.

BOY, YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY OF THESE.

YEAH.

HEY, HONEY!

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE DEN!

OH, YOU'RE A LUCKY MAN, DREW CAREY.

YOU REALLY PICKED YOURSELF A WINNER THERE.

YEP. KATE CLEANS UP PRETTY GOOD.

WHY DO YOU THINK KATE'S NOT MARRIED, FOR REAL?

'CAUSE SHE DATES LOSERS.

SHE'S DEMANDING.

SHE'S BOSSY.

SHE HITS.

YEAH, I GUESS.

YOU EVER WONDER WHY, UH,

ONE OF US NEVER MARRIED KATE?

IT WOULD BE LIKE MARRYING YOUR SISTER.

HEY, SOME COUNTRIES, THEY DO THAT.

I'VE ALWAYS THOUGHT WE WERE SAVING HER,

YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE.

IT IS KIND OF WEIRD THOUGH THAT NONE OF US EVER DATED HER.

I MEAN, ESPECIALLY YOU, DREW.

I GUESS I WAS TOO BUSY FANTASIZING

ABOUT OSWALD'S MOM.

YEAH. YOUR MOM WAS HOT.

SHUT UP.

JAZZERCISING IN HER LITTLE DISCO SHORTS.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE I WATCHED YOUR MOM, TOO,

IN HER BIG POLYESTER PANTSUIT MOWING THE LAWN.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S THE REASON WHY

WE NEVER DATED KATE.

HOW ABOUT YOU?

SHE KNEW ME TOO WELL.

BUT I DID CARRY HER EIGHTH-GRADE PICTURE

AROUND WITH ME IN MY WALLET.

I TOLD EVERYBODY SHE WAS MY GIRLFRIEND.

IT WAS KIND OF SWEET BACK THEN,

BUT NOW I GET THE WEIRDEST LOOKS.

I HAD THAT PICTURE... WITH THE LIP GLOSS,

THE MOUTH SLIGHTLY PARTED.

YEAH. UH-HUH.

EIGHTH GRADE WAS A GOOD YEAR FOR KATE.

I KNOW. HA HA HA!

YOU KNOW WHY NONE OF US EVER DATED KATE?

NO.

BECAUSE SHE NEVER SHOWED

THE SLIGHTEST ROMANTIC INTEREST IN ANY OF US.

I DON'T KNOW. I KISSED HER ONCE.

WHAT?

I DID. GRADE SIX.

SHE HAD MONO, AND SHE DARED ME.

STILL COUNTS.

MM-HMM.

I, UH...

I SAW KATE NAKED ONCE.

WHAT? GET OUT OF HERE.

HOW MUCH A THING LIKE THAT COST YOU?

NOTHING. SHE WAS 16.

16?

YEAH. WE WERE UP IN HER HOUSE

UP IN HER BEDROOM, AND, UH, BAM!

SHE CHANGED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

WOW. I HAVE A THEORY.

IS SHE REAL HAIRY?

WELL, SHE WASN'T THEN.

THE POINT IS SHE CHANGED IN FRONT OF ME

LIKE I WASN'T EVEN THERE. HMM.

THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED

SHE DIDN'T EVEN SEE ME AS A GUY.

AAH. THAT'S GOTTA HURT.

YEAH. SORRY, MAN. YEAH.

STILL COUNTS, THOUGH.

YOU BET IT DOES. HEY, YEAH.

WHOO!

WHAT A RUSH!

NOW I KNOW WHY DOGS DO IT!

FIRST RIDE IN A LIMO, KATE?

ACTUALLY, IT'S MY SECOND,

BUT MY MOM WOULDN'T LET ME DO THAT

AT GRANDPA'S FUNERAL.

WHY'D YOU GUYS DO ALL THIS ANYWAY?

WELL, YOU KNOW, YOU SEEMED KIND OF DEPRESSED

ABOUT HAVING A WEDDING AND ALL,

SO WE FIGURED A LITTLE PUBLIC HUMILIATION

WAS JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED.

YOU'RE THE BEST. ARE WE REALLY GOING TO MORTON'S?

I CAN'T WAIT TO WALK IN LOOKING LIKE THIS.

YEAH. HOPE I DON'T CLASH WITH THE MAITRE D'S HAIR.

HEY, UH, LISTEN, UM...

OSWALD AND LEWIS WERE KIND OF WONDERING

WHY YOU NEVER GOT SERIOUS WITH EITHER OF THEM.

OR YOU KNOW, ANY OF US, REALLY.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I TOTALLY WOULD'VE.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO COMPETE

WITH OSWALD'S MOM.

SHE HAD THE SERIOUS HOTS FOR YOU AND LEWIS.

YOU'RE KIDDING? OH, MY GOD.

WE WERE JUST TALKING AB... OH, YOU'RE KIDDING.

SO...

DID...

ANY OF YOU, YOU KNOW,

EVER HAVE A LITTLE CRUSH ON ME?

MAYBE, YOU KNOW, WHEN WE WERE TEENAGERS.

AND?

THEN WE DISCOVERED MY BROTHER'S MAGAZINES,

AND YOU BECAME OBSOLETE.

COME ON. WE PRACTICALLY HUNG OUT TOGETHER

ALL THE TIME.

YOU PRACTICALLY LIVED AT MY HOUSE.

YEAH, MAYBE A LITTLE MORE THAN I SHOULD HAVE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, YOU KNOW, THERE WAS THAT TIME YOU, UH...

CHANGED YOUR CLOTHES RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME.

I DID WHAT?

WE WERE SIXTEEN,

AND YOU CHANGED RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

LIKE I WAS THE CHAIR,

THEN I WALKED HOME CRYING.

NO, NO. DON'T FEEL BAD.

THEN I WROTE YOU A LITTLE LETTER,

WHICH I ACCIDENTALLY MAILED TO MY GRANDMA.

SHE WROTE ME BACK SAYING

THAT SHE LOVED ME, TOO, YOU KNOW,

BUT NOT IN THAT WAY.

DREW, I'M SO SORRY.

WOW.

YOU ACTUALLY THOUGHT ABOUT ME LIKE THAT.

THAT'S SO WEIRD.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T THINK IT WOULD HAVE BEEN, YOU KNOW, SO BAD

IF WE'D ACTUALLY DONE THIS, YOU KNOW, GOTTEN TOGETHER.

OH, MY GOD. I'VE GOT HIVES!

OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE COVERED WITH...

DRIVER, TAKE US TO METRO GENERAL RIGHT AWAY.

HEY! OUT OF THE WAY! WE GOT A SICK WOMAN HERE!

WHOO-WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!

WHOO-WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!

WHOO-WHOO-WHOO-WHOO!

HEY, DREW. I HEARD YOU GOT MARRIED LAST NIGHT.

OH, NO, NOT REALLY. IT WAS JUST...

OH, HEY, I DON'T MIND NOT BEING INVITED.

I'M JUST, UH, GLAD A GUY LIKE YOU

COULD FIND SOMEBODY.

HERE.

HEY, THANKS.

I'LL INVITE YOU TO THE NEXT ONE.

SHOULDN'T BE TOO LONG. I GAVE THE BRIDE HIVES.

BUT JUST IN CASE THE MARRIAGE STICKS,

YOU KNOW, WE'RE STILL LOOKING FOR A TOASTER.

OH, DREW.

WHAT?

I THINK CAN HELP YOU WITH HIRING ED BACK.

THERE'S AN OPENING IN SPORTSWEAR.

NO, THERE ISN'T. THERE WILL BE

ONCE YOU FIRE LESLIE.

LESLIE WHO JUST HAD THE WEDDING SHOWER?

BUT SHE'S ON HER HONEYMOON.

COURTESY OF WINFRED-LOUDER.

WE CAUGHT HER ON CAMERA STEALING CASH

AND A BIKINI THAT I COULD USE AS AN EYE PATCH.

GREAT, ALL YOU NEED IS A HOOK HAND AND A PEG LEG.

THE OUTFIT WILL BE COMPLETE.

HERE'S THE NUMBER OF HER HOTEL IN MAUI.

OH, MAN. I HATE TO RUIN SOMEBODY'S HONEYMOON.

THEN DON'T GET MARRIED. HA HA HA.

DREW...

UHH!

DREW, WE'VE GOT TO TALK ABOUT MY HIVES.

I KNOW. I FEEL TERRIBLE.

OH, GOD, DREW. YOU KNEW! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?

IT JUST CAME OUT. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

WHAT I THINK? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

FORMALDEHYDE.

THEY FOUND FORMALDEHYDE ON THIS DRESS.

YOU KNOW THE STORE'S "WE'LL TAKE ANYTHING BACK" POLICY?

KNOW IT? I'M USING IT TO TRADE

WHATEVER THIS PIECE OF CRAP IS

IN FOR A TOASTER.

DREW, SOMEONE BOUGHT THAT DRESS BEFORE YOU

AND USED IT IN A FUNERAL.

OH, MY GOD. THAT'S HORRIBLE.

THEN THEY HAD WHATEVER SICK AND PERVERSE CEREMONY

SOMEONE WHO WOULD PUT A WEDDING DRESS ON A CORPSE HAS AND RETURNED IT.

DREW, THE DRESS CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD!

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE SHE WORE IT OUT.

HELLO. PERSON WHO WORE THE DEATH DRESS

AND GOT HIVES FROM IT HERE.

I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST I'M SO RELIEVED.

YOU'LL NEVER... HA HA...

NEVER GUESS WHAT I THOUGHT GAVE YOU THE HIVES.

WHAT?

I THOUGHT IT WAS FROM WHAT I SAID

TO YOU IN THE LIMO.

YOU KNOW, ABOUT US GETTING TOGETHER.

I DIDN'T REALLY MEAN

WHAT YOU THOUGHT I MEANT.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I THOUGHT YOU MEANT.

IT JUST, UH, KINDA CAME OUT.

YOU KNOW, I'M NOT, UH...

IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU MY WHOLE LIFE.

I'M JUST WAITING FOR THAT ONE GREAT LOVE I HAVEN'T FOUND.

YET.

YET.

DREW, I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY TO MARRY SOMEONE LIKE YOU,

BUT NOT YOU.

AND I SHOULD BE SO LUCKY AS TO MARRY SOMEONE

LIKE ANNA NICOLE SMITH...

YOU KNOW, BUT HER.

SO, UH...

WE NEVER HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN?

I HOPE NOT.

GOOD. 'CAUSE I'M STARTING TO ITCH.

NOW, UH,

WHY DON'T YOU GO DO WHATEVER YOU UNDEAD DO.

I GOT TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.

LATER.

HELLO, MAUI SUITES?

WELL, MAHALO TO YOU, TOO.

LISTEN, I'D LIKE TO LEAVE A MESSAGE

FOR MISS LESLIE BURKE.

UH-HUH. YOU GOT A PEN READY?

GOOD.

"DEAR LESLIE,

"THEY SAY THAT VACATIONS END TOO SOON.

WELL, GOOD NEWS!"

HEY, WANT TO PLAY A LITTLE JEOPARDY!?

WINNER GETS TO EAT THE LOSER.

MAN, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THESE CATEGORIES?

FLIES, PREHISTORIC HISTORY,

PROTECTIVE COLORING, FAMOUS AMPHIBIANS.

HOW ABOUT SCRABBLE?

NO, YOU CAN'T USE MY COMPUTER.

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE OUT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE www.ncicap.org...