Original subtitles

AND THAT'S WHY THE FRENCH DON'T WASH.

OK, BOYS, SO WILL YOU BE HAVING ANYTHING ELSE?

I'LL HAVE WHAT BRAD PITT'S HAVING.

YEAH, YOU FIND ME BRAD PITT,

I'LL SERVE IT UP HOT.

YEAH, LET'S TALK ABOUT BRAD PITT.

DID YOU SEE WHO'S PEOPLE MAGAZINE'S

"SEXIEST MAN ALIVE" THIS YEAR?

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT JOHN JOHN KENNEDY ISN'T SO SEXY ANYMORE?

I'M NOT SO IMPRESSED WITH BRAD PITT.

I DON'T THINK HE'S EVEN THAT GOOD-LOOKING.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU THINK, OSWALD.

THIS IS BIGGER THAN US. IT'S PEOPLE MAGAZINE.

IT'S BEEN DECIDED.

WELL, IF YOU DON'T THINK BRAD PITT'S GOOD-LOOKING,

WHAT GUYS DO YOU THINK ARE GOOD-LOOKING?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU CAN ONLY LOOK AT THEM

WHEN THEY'RE NOT LOOKING AT YOU.

WHAT?!

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT MOVIES.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS ANYMORE.

NO. NO, NO, NO. THIS IS INTERESTING.

LET'S SAY YOU WERE IN PRISON.

OH!

NOW, ALL THE WOMEN

HAVE BEEN KILLED BY A MYSTERIOUS DISEASE.

PLUS THE FACT THAT YOUR PARENTS...

VERY UNDERSTANDING.

WHO DO YOU PICK TO BE YOUR CELLMATE?

LIAM NEESON.

AYE, LADDIE.

HEY, WATCH IT.

YOU KNOW, THE THING ABOUT THIS CONVERSATION IS

WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT BRAD PITT.

NO? NO.

WE'RE TALKING ABOUT THE WOMEN BRAD PITT GETS.

MAN, WHAT I COULD DO WITH THOSE WOMEN!

YEAH, YOU CAN DRIVE 'EM BACK

TO BRAD PITT'S HOUSE.

YOU KNOW, THE BEAUTIFUL THING

ABOUT SITTIN' IN THIS BAR HERE IN CLEVELAND

IS THAT NOT ONE OF THESE WOMEN

HAS A CHANCE IN HELL OF MEETING BRAD PITT.

SO HERE'S TO US...

THEIR COLD LITTLE SPLASH OF REALITY.

♪ MOON OVER PARMA,

♪ BRING MY LOVE TO ME TONIGHT ♪

♪ GUIDE HER TO CLEVELAND ♪

♪ UNDERNEATH YOUR SILVERY LIGHT ♪

♪ WE'RE GOIN' BOWLIN' ♪

♪ SO DON'T LOSE HER IN SOLIN ♪

♪ MOON OVER PARMA TONIGHT ♪

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

♪ TAKIN' CARE OF BUSINESS ♪

♪ WORKIN' OVERTIME, LOOK OUT ♪

DREW, LOOKING SHARP.

FEELING SHARP, LEWIS.

DON'T TOUCH ME, MAN. YOU'LL CUT YOURSELF.

MAN, WHAT A PARTY.

CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GUYS ARE STILL HERE.

HEY, LOOK! IT'S TOMORROW.

WHEN YOU GUYS GOING HOME?

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT LEWIS,

BUT I'M STILL WAITING FOR YOU TO PAY ME MY MONEY.

OH, WELL, GET COMFORTABLE, PAL.

YOU WERE THE WORST MOBILE DJ I EVER HIRED.

NO WONDER YOU'RE MOBILE.

YOU'RE ONE STEP AHEAD OF AN ANGRY MOB.

HEY!

I'M ONLY CHARGING YOU 50 BUCKS.

PEOPLE PAY ME 150.

PEOPLE LIKE YOUR SNAPPY PATTER

BETWEEN THE SONGS?

AH, COME ON, THEY LOVE THAT.

HERE'S ONE FOR ALL THE LOVERS

IN THE CROWD.

HOW ABOUT ONE FOR ALL THE SNIPERS

IN THE CROWD?

THANKS FOR THE HELP, LEWIS. MAN, WHAT A MESS.

YEAH, LOOK, I'LL FINISH THIS ROOM,

BUT THEN I GOTTA GET HOME

AND CHANGE FOR WORK.

WE'RE DOING DRUG TESTING TODAY.

DRUG TEST, HUH?

THAT MUST BE A BIG PROBLEM AT A CHEMICAL COMPANY.

WELL, 9 OUT OF 10 TIMES,

IF SOMEONE FAILS THE TEST,

IT'S A DRUGCO PRODUCT.

OH, IT'D MAKE A GREAT ADVERTISING SLOGAN.

DRUGCO... COME ON.

ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE DOING IT.

HEY!

YOU GOT INTO THE NONGENERIC BEER.

OK, OK, SORRY. LEWIS AND I WILL BUY MORE BEER.

HEY, LET'S TRY THAT NEW DRIVE-THROUGH LIQUOR STORE

AT BROOK PARK AND RIDGE.

MAN, A LIQUOR STORE WITH A WINDOW ON THE SIDE

WHERE YOU CAN BUY WHISKEY, BEER,

WHATEVER YOU WANT WHILE YOU'RE DRIVING.

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

JUST THE THING FOR THAT DRUNK DRIVER

WHO'S CONSTANTLY ON THE GO.

HEY, NO TIME TO STOP AT A REAL BAR.

I GOT THINGS TO DO TODAY.

PLACES TO GO, PEOPLE TO HIT.

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY. POOM!

♪ CHRISTMASTIME, UP ON THE SIDEWALK ♪

♪ POOM POOM POOM ♪

COMING.

HEY, KATE!

HI. SORRY I MISSED THE PARTY.

BY THE TIME I DECIDED I WANTED TO LIVE,

I FIGURED EVERYONE HAD GONE HOME.

WELL, YOU MISSED A GREAT ONE, KATE. HEY!

DID YOU KNOW THAT IF THE DOMINO'S GUY

ISN'T BACK IN AN HOUR, THEY CALL THE POLICE?

THAT CREEP BARRY FIRED ME THIS MORNING.

FOR WHAT? FOR BEING LATE.

OH-HO, THAT SUCKS. YOU DRIVE IN TOGETHER.

THAT'S ONLY BECAUSE WE LIVE TOGETHER,

BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S OVER.

I THREW HIM OUT LAST NIGHT.

HOLD IT. I'M GETTING SOMETHING.

YOU LIVE WITH YOUR BOSS.

YOU BROKE UP WITH HIM,

AND HE FIRED YOU THE VERY NEXT DAY.

HELLO, RIPLEY'S, YOU'RE NOT GOING

TO BELIEVE THIS.

WHY ARE GUYS LIKE THAT?

I MEAN, YOU TELL THEM IT'S ALL OVER

BECAUSE THE SIMPLE BIOLOGICAL FACT IS,

YES, SIZE DOES COUNT A LITTLE.

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE

I WASN'T THE BEST RECEPTIONIST

HIS STUPID DAMN BODY SHOP EVER HAD,

WHY'D HE HIRE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE?

WAIT. I HAVE MR. OBVIOUS ON LINE TWO.

HE GAVE YOU THE JOB SO HE COULD SLEEP WITH YOU.

WELL, THEN HE'S PRETTY STUPID

BECAUSE I SLEPT WITH HIM BEFORE I GOT THE JOB.

HA!

OH!

HEY, KATE'S HERE.

KATE, DID YOU BRING US BREAKFAST?

YEAH, WHERE'S BREAKFAST?

BREAKFAST? BREAKFAST.

HEY!

CANNED CORN.

WOULD YOU HIT THEM WITH YOUR SHOES

SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT ME?

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

I JUST GOT FIRED.

I'M SORRY, KATE.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU STILL HAVE BARRY.

OH!

DON'T WORRY, KATE. YOU KNOW, THIS COULD BE

THE BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU.

YOU'RE WAY BETTER THAN THOSE DEAD END JOBS

YOU KEEP TAKING.

I MEAN, LOOK AT ME.

WHEN I FIRST TOOK A JOB AS A SALES CLERK,

I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD LEAD TO A CAREER.

BUT NOW I'M ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF PERSONNEL.

I HAVE A POSITION OF INDIRECT RESPECT

AND OBLIQUE POWER.

YOU THINK YOU COULD YOU USE SOME OF THAT POWER

TO GIVE ME A JOB?

COME ON, KATE, YOU KNOW I CAN'T HIRE FRIENDS.

BUT... I HATE YOU.

I'VE ALWAYS HATED YOU.

EVERYBODY HATES ME WHEN THEY WANT A JOB.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SAW THIS SAME THING ON THE "X" FILES.

ONE ALIEN HIRES HIS FRIEND ALIEN

TO HELP DOMINATE THE EARTH.

SURE ENOUGH, HIS FRIEND ARRIVES LATE,

DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO WORK THE GAMMA RAY MACHINE,

NEXT THING YOU KNOW,

THEY'RE BOTH WASHING DISHES ON VENUS.

LEWIS.

HUH?

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO START.

COME ON, DREW,

I WOULD BE PERFECT IN A DEPARTMENT STORE.

YOU KNOW I'D WORK MY ASS OFF.

YOU HEAR THAT? IT'S THE 8:02 HONK.

IT'S MY ANAL RETENTIVE CAR POOL.

I GOT TO GO.

THINK ABOUT IT.

OK. YOU'RE LYING!

YES!

UGH!

8:41.

YOU KNOW, LARRY, RIGHT ABOUT NOW

I GOT INTERVIEWS STACKED UP AT THE OFFICE.

PRETTY MUCH LIKE YOU GOT ANGRY MOTORISTS

STACKED UP BEHIND YOU. DO YOU THINK

YOU COULD FIRE UP THE BULLET TRAIN HERE?

I DON'T LIKE DRIVING THAT FAST.

IT'S NOT SAFE.

HEY! LOOK AT THAT FAT GUY WALKING.

WOW, LOOK AT THAT, WILL YOU?

"LEARN VETERINARY MEDICINE

THROUGH THE MAIL."

MAN, I'D HATE TO BE A DOG IN THAT HOUSE.

MAIL'S HERE!

YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP!

YAP... YAP... YAP.

I JUST LOST MY DOG.

MY KIDS HAVEN'T STOPPED CRYING FOR 2 DAYS.

OH.

MIND IF I TURN ON THE RADIO?

LET ME CHECK.

ALL IN FAVOR OF TURNING ON

THE RADIO?

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN IN THIS CAR POOL

FOR 3 WEEKS. I HAVEN'T WON ONE VOTE.

HOW COME YOU GET TO DECIDE WHEN WE VOTE?

WHO VOTED ON THAT?

I'VE BEEN IN SOME CAR POOLS

THEY ACTUALLY GOT OUT OF THE CAR LAUGHING AND SINGING.

THIS IS LIKE A FUNERAL WHERE THEY'RE NOT

IN A HURRY TO BURY THE GUY.

MY AUNT HAD A FUNERAL.

WE ALL HAD A NICE TIME.

THE FOOD'S ALWAYS GOOD THERE.

OH, YEAH.

THERE WAS A SWAN...

FINALLY!

FINALLY SOMETHING WE CAN ALL TALK ABOUT.

SO HOW DID THE DOG DIE?

HEY, HOW MUCH IS THE MONTHLY INCENTIVE

FOR JOINING THE CARPOOL?

45 BIG OL' DOLLARS.

MAN, THAT ONLY LEAVES ME 10 BUCKS

FOR BULLETS.

NOT GETTING ANY BETTER, HUH?

HE WON'T USE THE CARPOOL LANE.

I USED TO GET HERE IN A HALF AN HOUR.

NOW I HAVE TO GET UP A HALF HOUR EARLIER

JUST TO GET HERE 10 MINUTES LATER.

I MEAN, SURE, CLEVELAND'S AIR IS BETTER,

BUT I'M STUCK IN A CAR WITH 7 PEOPLE

WHO JUST HAD BREAKFAST BURRITOS.

DID MR. BELL CALL YET? DOES HE KNOW I'M LATE?

DAMN!

GOOD LUCK, DREW. FROM HERE ON OUT,

I DON'T KNOW YOU.

Bell, on speakerphone: CAREY, IT'S BELL. YOU THERE?

YES, SIR, MR. BELL.

I'M JUST GOING THROUGH MY FILES.

WOULDN'T HAPPEN TO BE THE COSMETIC COUNTER

APPLICATIONS?

YES, SIR. YOU MUST BE PSYCHIC.

HEY, GUESS HOW MANY FINGERS I'M HOLDING UP.

I NEED THAT POSITION FILLED BY MONDAY, CAREY.

CUSTOMERS ARE COMPLAINING THAT THEY HAVE TO WANDER

FROM COUNTER TO COUNTER LOOKING FOR HELP.

YES, SIR, MR. BELL.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ALWAYS A PLEASURE TO TALK...

LOIS...

WOULD YOU SEND BACK MY FIRST INTERVIEW,

PLEASE? SURE.

YES, MR. BELL. RIGHT AWAY, MR. BELL.

HOW'S THE HEART, MR. BELL?

OH, TOO BAD, MR. BELL. POOM!

DREW. YES?

MIMI BOBECK.

I'M HERE FOR THE INTERVIEW.

NICE TO MEET YOU, MIMI.

WHAT DEPARTMENT ARE YOU APPLYING FOR?

COSMETICS.

OK, GREAT.

PLEASE SIT DOWN.

LET'S SEE HERE.

HMM. "2 YEARS IN PHONE SALES.

"DARKROOM ASSISTANT.

READER FOR THE BLIND."

I'M ALSO SINGLE, IF THAT HELPS.

NOT ME.

I MEAN, UH, YOU KNOW, WE DON'T COUNT

MARITAL STATUS EITHER WAY.

NOW, YOU KNOW, WE WILL BE INTERVIEWING

QUITE A FEW PEOPLE FOR THIS JOB.

OH, WELL, SO THAT'S THAT. WELL, NICE MEETING YOU.

EXCUSE ME?

THAT'S THE CODE.

"INTERVIEWING QUITE A FEW PEOPLE" MEANS FORGET IT.

JUST LIKE "THANKS FOR STOPPING BY" MEANS

WE DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU EVER AGAIN.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WAS SAYING.

CUT THE CRAP, MR. CAREY.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

YOU HAVE TO BE ONE OF THOSE CLASSICALLY

GOOD-LOOKING WOMEN TO SELL COSMETICS.

OH, NO, NOT NECESSARILY,

YOUR LOOKS ARE JUST FINE.

DID I SAY THEY WEREN'T?

UH, I WAS HOPING SOMEBODY HAD.

WELL, HOW DOES IT WORK, MR. CAREY, HUH?

SOME EMPTY-HEADED BIMBO WALKS IN HERE,

AND YOU FEEL SOMETHING IN YOUR GROIN,

THEY GET THE JOB? WHAT?

WHAT OTHER REQUIREMENTS DIDN'T I MEET?

WASN'T MY SKIRT SHORT ENOUGH?

DIDN'T I BEND OVER ENOUGH DURING THE INTERVIEW?

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO GET A SEXIST

AS YOU TO HIRE ME?

OH, YOU KNOW, YOU'RE...

AHEM... CERTAINLY UNDER CONSIDERATION,

SO THERE'S... AHEM...

NO REASON TO BECOME DEFENSIVE.

WHAT'S YOUR BOSS' NAME?

I CAN FIND OUT IF YOU DON'T TELL ME.

LOOK, HIS NAME'S MR. BELL.

MR. BELL.

BUT I THINK YOU'RE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE

HERE. YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT BEING JUDGED BY

ANYTHING BUT YOUR APPLICATION.

HEY, I SEE YOU SPEAK SPANISH.

YOU'RE IN REALLY BIG TROUBLE. YOU KNOW THAT?

I DIDN'T COME IN HERE TO BE INSULTED

BY SOME CREWCUT JERK WHO THINKS THIS JOB

IS HIS OWN PERSONAL BEAUTY CONTEST.

YOU'RE A PIG!

WE'LL CALL AND LET YOU KNOW!

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY!

HEY, EVERYBODY READY TO GO?

DREW'S NOT HOME YET.

HOW'D THE DRUG TEST GO?

WELL, I COULDN'T WAIT.

NOW, I GOTTA DO A MAKEUP.

ANY LUCK ON THE JOB FRONT?

McNOTHING.

COME ON, ASK ME ABOUT MY DAY. I DARE YA!

ALL RIGHTY, DREW. HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

YOU'RE NOT SINCERE ENOUGH.

YOU! YOU ASK ME ABOUT MY DAY.

OK, DREW, HOW WAS YOUR DAY?

SO, YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MY DAY WAS, HUH?

IT WAS LOUSY.

IT WAS LIKE THE RUBBER GLOVE PART OF A PHYSICAL EXAM.

OOH! THAT'S A BAD DAY.

MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED?

SOME CRAZY WOMAN I INTERVIEWED

COMPLAINED TO MY BOSS. AND I GOT REAMED.

YOU, MR. EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH?

HEY, YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I'M EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

YOU KNOW WHY? 'CAUSE I DO MY JOB WELL.

I TREAT EVERYONE FAIRLY.

THIS WOMAN CALLED ME A SEXIST.

YOU KNOW HOW MANY FORMS YOU HAVE TO FILL OUT

WHEN SOMEONE CALLS YOU A SEXIST?

8.

WHAT'D YOU DO, HARASS HER?

NO, I DIDN'T HARASS HER.

SO SHE WANTED IT?

NO. ALL SHE WANTED WAS A JOB

IN THE COSMETICS DEPARTMENT,

BUT I COULDN'T HIRE HER.

SHE CAME IN LOOKING LIKE SOMETHING MY NEPHEW COLORED.

OH, THERE'S AN OPENING

AT THE COSMETICS DEPARTMENT?

YEAH, BUT NOT FOR HER. THERE'S TOO MANY MIRRORS.

YOU KNOW, WHAT REALLY TICKS ME OFF

IS I'M UP FOR PROMOTION IN A FEW WEEKS.

NOW, I GOT TO BUST MY HUMP TO GET OVER THIS BLACK MARK.

YOU KNOW I'M NOT LOOKING TO BUY A FERRARI,

BUT I'D LIKE TO GET A FEW PAYCHECKS AHEAD,

MAYBE ACTUALLY GIVE SOMETHING TO CHARITY

INSTEAD OF JUST LYING ABOUT IT ON MY TAXES.

WHAT'S THE RUSH?

HEY, I SET GOALS FOR MYSELF.

MAN, I GOT DEADLINES. I DON'T WANT TO FIND OUT

I GOT MY HIGH SCHOOL REUNION COMING UP,

I ONLY GOT 6 MONTHS

TO MAKE SOMETHING OF MYSELF.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? BE IN AN ALLEY?

COME ON 7! DADDY NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT

AND GET A NEW CAREER. COME ON, BABY!

I NEED HAIR RIGHT NOW!

MAN, IT'S KILLING ME.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, DREW.

MY PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANY'S DOING BIG THINGS.

ANY DAY NOW AT DRUGCO COULD BE THE DAY

THAT WE COME UP WITH THAT NEW MIRACLE DRUG.

AND IT'S GONNA BE THE GUYS THAT WORKED AROUND THE CLOCK

THAT GET ALL THE CREDIT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I WANT TO BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS.

LEWIS. HUH?

YOU'RE THE MAINTENANCE MAN.

START WEARING ONE OF THOSE MASKS

WHEN YOU SWEEP UP, WILL YA BUDDY?

AHH, MEAT.

HEY, YOU KNOW, PAL, THAT CHEESEBURGER'S

GONNA GIVE YOU A HEART ATTACK.

WHAT?!

I ALMOST SWALLOWED THAT DAMN THING!

DOESN'T THE GOVERNMENT REGULATE THIS STUFF?

THANK GOD FOR YOU, SIR.

I ALMOST HAD A MOMENT OF JOY.

SAFETY NAZI, GET LOST.

YOU KNOW, DREW,

YOU'RE STILL A LITTLE ON EDGE.

GEE, THINK SO?

WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO TELL.

LET'S DO A LITTLE STRESS TEST.

OW!

YOU KNOW, DREW, STRESS MANAGEMENT

IS THE KEY TO LONGEVITY.

I'VE ALWAYS FOUND THAT, UH, SENSORY DEPRIVATION

USUALLY DOES THE TRICK.

YOU'RE IN TOTAL DARKNESS

GRADUALLY RELAXING EVERY MUSCLE IN YOUR BODY

AS YOU LIE IN A WARM POOL OF WATER.

UH-OH.

I GOT TO PEE.

THEY DON'T LET HIM BACK IN THOSE TANKS.

OH, MY GOD! THERE SHE IS.

WHO?

MY INTERVIEW WITH A VAMPIRE.

WOW. SHE WANTS TO SELL MAKEUP?

WELL, SHE SHOULD KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

SHE CERTAINLY BUYS ENOUGH OF IT.

MAN, WHAT I'D LIKE TO SAY TO HER

WELL, WHAT'S THIS THEN?

AFTER A HARD DAY OF SCREWING

QUALIFIED APPLICANTS OUT OF JOBS,

IT'S MILLER TIME?

DREW, NO NEED TO RESPOND.

JUST IGNORE HER. LET IT GO.

OH, AND YOU MUST BE THE TRASH THAT GOT THE JOB.

DON'T GET UP.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE WHERE HIS HAND IS.

GET HER!

IF YOU NEED ANY HELP, REMEMBER,

I USED TO BE A RODEO CLOWN.

NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NOT GONNA STOOP TO HER LEVEL.

I'M JUST GONNA TELL HER THE TRUTH.

SOMEBODY'S GOT TO.

AHEM. EXCUSE ME, MS. BOBECK?

OH, GREAT. YOU RUINED MY DAY.

NOW YOU'RE GOING TO RUIN MY NIGHT?

RUINED YOUR DAY? YOU ALMOST GOT ME FI...

LISTEN, CAN WE TALK HONESTLY,

JUST A COUPLE PEOPLE IN A BAR?

NO INTERVIEWS, NO SUITS, NOTHING.

JUST REGULAR FOLKS, OK?

WHAT'RE YOU BOTHERING ME FOR?

CAN'T YOU GET LAID HERE EITHER?

LOOK, I DIDN'T COME OVER HERE TO UPSET YOU.

BECAUSE IF YOU START TO CRY

AND YOUR MAKEUP STARTS TO RUN,

I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF TIME.

JUST WANT YOU TO CONSIDER

THE POSSIBILITY THAT IT MIGHT BE YOU.

I MEAN, I COULDN'T HIRE YOU

FOR ANY JOB IN THAT STORE.

YOU'RE JUST A NASTY PERSON.

SO MY LOOKS HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT?

I SAID WE WERE GOING TO BE HONEST,

AND, UM, YES, THEY DID. A LITTLE BIT.

OH, NO. YOU'RE NOT SEXIST. YOU'RE JUST STUPID.

HEY, SOMETIMES APPEARANCE MATTERS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M NEVER GOING TO MODEL SPEEDOS.

I'D LOOK LIKE A BARTLETT PEAR

WITH A RUBBER BAND

WRAPPED AROUND THE BOTTOM.

BUT THAT'S LIFE.

YOU OUT AND FIND SOMETHING YOU'RE GOOD AT

AND YOU QUIT BLAMING EVERYBODY ELSE.

WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT LIKE THAT,

BITE ME, JACKASS!

HEY, DREW, WHO'S YOUR GOOD-LOOKIN' FRIEND?

CAN'T YOU COME UP WITH SOMETHING

MORE ORIGINAL, LOUIS?

SHE HEARS THAT ALL DAY LONG.

GEE, YOU HAVE A LOT OF THE QUALITIES

WE'RE LOOKING FOR IN THIS POSITION.

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HAD A JOB ANYWHERE?

LISTEN, UH, I HAVE TO FILL THIS JOB

IN AN HOUR. SO...

WHY DON'T YOU GO WAIT OUT IN THE LOBBY.

AND I'LL TALK TO THE SUPERVISOR.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

NO, THANK YOU. OH, GOD. FILL THIS OUT.

GET IT APPROVED BY A SUPERVISOR.

THAT'S ME AND THANK YOU, NATALIE.

GET OUT BY 5:00. GO OVER TO OSWALD'S HOUSE.

BURN IT DOWN. THAT'LL BE HIS STRESS TEST.

AND I'LL HAVE A NAP.

AHEM. KATE!

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWNTOWN?

YOU GOT AN INTERVIEW?

YEAH.

MAN, YOU'RE SHOO-IN. YOU LOOK GREAT.

HEY YOU WANT TO GO OUT FOR A BITE TO EAT?

I CAN LEAVE EARLY. I JUST FILLED THE JOB.

OHH! NO, YOU DIDN'T.

COME ON. JUST TAKE 10 MINUTES TO CONSIDER ME.

NO.

THIS WILL SCREW UP OUR RELATIONSHIP.

IT'S EVEN WORSE THAN WHEN FRIENDS HAVE SEX.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE AT LEAST THEN THEY HAD SEX.

AHEM! EXCUSE ME, DREW.

THE CARPOOL TOOK A VOTE.

WE CHIPPED IN FOR THIS BUS PASS.

IT'S OUR LITTLE WAY OF SAYING

WE'RE SORRY THINGS DIDN'T WORK OUT.

WHAT?! YOU CAN'T KICK ME OUT OF THE CARPOOL!

I CAN'T GO BACK TO THE BUS. WHO AM I SUPPOSED

TO DRIVE IN WITH?

THE CARPOOL TOOK A VOTE.

WE DON'T CARE.

I'LL BE IN YOUR CARPOOL.

EXCUSE ME. YES, MR. BELL.

LISTEN, I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU

HOW TO DO YOUR JOB,

BUT I SAW A YOUNG WOMAN IN THE LOBBY

WHO SEEMS PERFECT FOR THE COSMETICS COUNTER.

YOUNG, WELL-DRESSED

I KNOW, MR. BELL.

SHE'S WEARING A TIGHT BLUE SUIT,

COME AND GET ME PUMPS. YOU CANNOT MISS THIS.

I TELL YOU, WHEN SHE BENT OVER TO DRINK WATER,

I NEARLY CHOKED ON...

YES, SIR, MR. BELL.

I KNOW I ONLY HAVE 45 MINUTES.

I'M RIGHT ON TOP OF IT.

I'LL DO IT RIGHT AWAY.

I CAN'T DO THIS.

WHAT IF I HAVE TO FIRE YOU?

AND I'M SURE I'M GONNA HAVE TO.

HOW WILL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BE

FRIENDS AFTER THAT?

YOU WON'T HAVE TO FIRE ME.

YOU COULD KILL ME. HOW'S THAT?

YEAH. WELL, IT MAY SOLVE SOME PROBLEMS

BUT, YOU KNOW, IT MAY CREATE OTHERS.

COME ON, YOU SAID YOURSELF

THAT I SHOULD WORK IN A NICE PLACE

WHERE I COULD GET AHEAD FOR ONCE.

NOBODY IS GOING TO HIRE ME FOR THIS KINDA JOB

WITH MY BACKGROUND IN BODY SHOPS.

YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT WOULD GIVE ME A CHANCE.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL NATALIE?

SHE WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD

TO HAVING A RESUME.

OH, GOD, DREW, THANK YOU!

LOOK, UH...

JUST IN CASE THE BOSS ASKS,

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL QUALIFICATIONS

THAT MAKE YOU BETTER FOR THE JOB

THAN, YOU KNOW, NATALIE?

I COULD BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HER.

YEAH, WELL. PHYSICAL SUPERIORITY

IS SOMETHING YOU ALWAYS LOOK FOR

IN A GOOD COSMETIC SALES PERSON.

OW! NOT SO MUCH IN A FRIEND, THOUGH.

WOW, LOOK AT IT COME DOWN.

IS THAT HOT CHOCOLATE READY YET?

COMING RIGHT UP.

REAL NICE OF YOU TO GIVE KATE THAT JOB, DREW.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT WAS THE ONLY DECENT THING TO DO.

SHE THREATEN YOU?

YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH, DREW, YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO US.

YOU DON'T HAVE ANY PIE?!

YOU CHEAP BASTARD.

AAH!

LOOK SHARP.

EMPLOYED PERSON IN THE ROOM.

HEY, BRAVO!

I NEED YOUR HELP.

I HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT PERFUMES SAMPLES

TO PUSH TOMORROW.

EVENING PASSION...

MORNING MUSK.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE AROUND MIDDAY?

COME ON. HELP ME.

JUST MY LUCK...

I GET THE HAND THAT'S BEEN PETTING THE WET DOG.

YOU'RE NOT HELPING, DREW.

EEEYU! YOU'VE BEEN KISSING THAT DOG, TOO.

GET OUT OF HERE!

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS CALLS FOR A CELEBRATION.

SO...

WHO'S COMING WITH ME?

YOU JUST GO AHEAD, BUDDY.

WE'LL WAIT IN HERE.

ALL RIGHT...

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE MISSING.

LOOK AT THAT DUMB SON OF A GUN.

HEY! HEY! HEY!

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL CAPTIONING INSTITUTE www.ncicap.org...