Original subtitles

Darling?

Major?

2-5-7-8-4. What are your requirements, please?

One Japanese passport. One first-class ticket, Tokyo.

One short-wave radio transmitter.

3-8-0-7. What are your requirements, please?

Credentials for typewriter salesman. One roll microfilm. One zero-type explosive.

4-7-3-9. What are your requirements, please?

Two lumps. Right.

Ah, good morning, Mr Grant. I...

Morning, Jones. Morning, Green. Morning, Hills.

- Oh, good morning, Mr Reed. - Oh, morning, er...

Morning, Green. Morning, Jones. Morning, Hills.

- Morning, Mr Thomas. - Good morning, er... um...

- What is your name? - Um... er... um...

Oh, I was right.

This is very, very serious, gentlemen.

The consequences are bound to affect our whole security network,

especially at this particular time.

M.I.5 have lost an exceptional man.

Major Cavendish was both daring and resourceful. And he had to die like that.

Urgent for signature, sir.

Schlecht is a crime organisation that's given us headaches for longer than I care to think about.

For years we tried to penetrate Schlecht. Cavendish did.

How did he manage it?

By posing as an assassin and gaining their confidence.

The information he sent to us prevented disasters in Berlin,

- Prague, Cairo... - Did he learn where they intend to strike next?

Yes.

- London. - London?

He was being sent over here to make Contact with their agents.

Do er... Do Schlecht know he's dead, sir?

No. What is it?

Urgent... signature.

They were hoping to sabotage the trade talks

between the Russian delegation and this country.

Have the Schlecht people over here ever seen Cavendish?

Oh, no, he hasn't been near the U...

What is it now?

Thank you.

Somewhere out there, Schlecht agents are waiting to contact the deceased major.

- Olé? CUSTOMERS: Olé!

♪ North of the border

♪ Down Southampton way

(Tap dances badly)

- Sí, sí, sí? - Coffee, please.

Saprazi. Quanto la gusta. Edmundo Ros.

- Any sugar? - Yes, please.

Good lad.

- Argh! - Sorry.

♪ Does you mother come from Mexico?

- Black coffee. - And why not?

(Steam hisses rhythmically)

Olé?

(Machine gurgles)

Oh, dear.

♪ La Cucaracha

♪ Cha cha-cha cha cha

♪ Ha cha cha cha cha cha-cha cha

♪ Ha cha cha, ha cha cha-cha cha-cha

♪ Ha cha cha, ha cha cha-cha cha-cha

♪ Cha cha... cha-cha-cha-cha! Olé!

CUSTOMERS: Olé!

Come on, olé. We haven't had it done out like this for nothing, you know.

Get the atmosphere of the thing. Olé! Let's have one.

- (Half-hearted) Olé. - Caramba!

♪ It's a long way to Tipperary

♪ It's a long way...

(Hums Swan Lake theme)

(Eric joins in)

Lovely. I know that one. A knockout.

(Hums Swan Lake theme)

(Eric joins in)

(Laughs nervously)

♪ It's a long way to Tipperary

♪ Twist and shout... I think

♪ It's a long way...

Schlecht.

Pardon?

Schlecht.

Haven't we all?

(Hums Swan Lake theme)

(Eric joins in)

Get off! What's the matter with you? I'll smash your face in.

(Whispers) Reception party. Cosmopolitan Hotel, Room 2512.

Pardon?

Cosmopolitan Hotel. Room 2512.

Reception party.

Oh... yeah.

(Hums Swan Lake theme)

Hey, come on, come on.

Cheer up, cheer up. Eh? Ha ha!

I know what'll cheer you up. There's a party at the Cosmopolitan Hotel if you want to go.

That'll be 2/6d. It's the froth that makes it expensive.

- I'm not interested. - Oh, well, if you are interested,

you ask for a fella called... Sch... Schlecht.

Schlecht. It's 2/6d for the coffee.

Just a moment. Did you say Schlecht?

No, no.

(Phlegmy) Sch... Schlecht.

I think it's a Scottish fella. The coffee, 2/6d.

- Now, what did Major Grant say? - 2/6d.

Somewhere out there is a Schlecht agent trying to contact Major Cavendish.

They've never seen Major Cavendish, so anyone could take his place.

It's just a question of finding the agent, the codeword...

2/6d. That's all, 2/6d.

- I've got it! - Oh, have you?

- Oh, good. Coppers'll do. - You were given the codeword by accident.

- Yes. - You've been mistaken for somebody else.

Well, I... I only said 2/6d.

It's the froth that's expensive. For you, we'll forget the froth, 1/9d.

- Look, put the hat on and come with me. - Yes... I've got my hat on.

What do you mean? I can't come with you. Who'll do the caramba and the sí, sí, sí?

And the... ♪ When you come home again

♪ To Wales... Olé!

ALL: Olé?

- They do rather enjoy it, don't they? - They love it. You see? It's part of things.

- Shut up and come with me. - Yes.

- Incidentally... you forgot your change. - Oh, thank you.

Come on. Give me the key. Come on.

Morning.

Come on!

Right...

- Oh. Can I go now? - Not yet.

Can you remember exactly what you said to the man?

Olé.

Sí, sí, sí.

Caramba?

I might have said Edmundo Ros a couple of times. I can't really remember.

Did you actually do anything?

- Oh, I danced. - How?

How what... how?

How did you dance?

Here?

A bit of that, I did... Did a bit of that.

I can't do it properly now because there's no tables and no frothy coffee going.

I specialise in frothy coffee.

Sir, he's got it all wrong. He danced more like this.

(Exuberant tap dance)

Eric laughs!

I dance more like Antonio.

- That was more like Elsie. - No, it wasn't.

You've got this sort of smoochy swing and sway.

Oh, by golly that's good!

- Do you like it? - Oh, it's a knockout. I could use that in the café.

Excuse me.

What are you doing? I'll smash your face in!

(Being! Being! Being!)

All right!

All right.

Do we get the job, then?

Now, this teaches us nothing.

But we're left with the fact that they think he's one of them.

- I beg your pardon? - Well, we'll have to use him.

Now Cavendish is dead, we have no option.

Of course, of course. But there is one little thing that puzzles me.

- What is that? - What is it all about?

- Oh, it's very simple, really. - Ah. Now we're in.

You see, it's... I can explain it.

This... This man was um... and he was caught up in...

and... and... you see, we didn't expect...

We can't tell you everything - this is the secret service.

The way I see it is this. Stop me if I'm wrong.

You must be in the Cosmopolitan Hotel tomorrow.

You stopped me. I wasn't wrong yet.

Gentlemen, there is one important factor that has been completely overlooked.

And what is that?

Which one of you said that?

I did.

Are there any birds involved?

- Birds? - Birds, son. He knows nothing.

Birds. Beautiful spies with negligees and things.

There's never been an operation yet that hasn't exploited the... physical attractions of women.

Physical attractions of women.

Ah, well, you see, that changes the whole thing completely

because if I'm going to get involved with fast women.

Who use...

sex...

- I'm sorry about that. - That's all right.

...who use sex for their own unscrupulous ends, well...

I'm the man for the job.

- Oh, fine. - You won't let anybody else in, will you?

- Because I have volunteered, you know. - Oh, very well.

Explain to him what he's supposed to be. I'll put a man in with you

- who knows what it's all about. - Could I be that man, sir?

I'm sorry, Sage, we have to put an experienced man in.

Oh, no, no, no, no. He's my buddy-buddy.

Because if he doesn't go to the party. I'm not going to the party.

What party?

What party?

The party at the Cosmopolitan Hot... Didn't you know?

He doesn't know! Good Lord! They're throwing invitations out left, right and centre.

- Very well, Sage, you'd better make it your job. - Thank you very much, Mr er...

No, no, no, no. She's one of us.

- Well, that should make it easier, then. - Oh, come on.

I don't think he understands what's happening, sir.

Perhaps it's better that way.

We'd better place Conway in the Cosmopolitan to keep an eye on things.

Right.

Room 2512 was booked in Major Cavendish's name by telephone.

I don't know who made the booking.

- Yes? - The Soviet delegates arrive by plane today.

There's to be a reception given by officials from the Russian Embassy. That's all, sir.

- All right. Keep your eye on things, Conway. - Yes, sir.

Now we just have to pray.

- Well, where is he? - He promised he'd be here, sir.

If you've lost him. Sage...

- Hello. - Did you have much trouble finding the place?

- No, no, no. Came straight here. - Good.

Well, let's get started, shall we, old boy? Nice to have you along.

Oh. It's a pleasure to be here.

Now, it's our job

to give you a new personality and to make sure

that you know all about Major Cavendish.

Oh, well, don't you worry about that.

Uh...

Are you all right?

You've gone a lovely colour.

- Now, first of all... - Are you going?

Here's your passport, with your photo in it.

Oh. (Laughs)

There's enough money for your immediate needs.

And remember, from now on, you are Major Cavendish.

- Right... where are the special shoes? - What special shoes?

- Special shoes? - Yes, the special shoes...

with the knives in the toecaps.

- We don't have things like that. - And the fountain pens which shoot bullets.

- Saves writing home. - We don't have things like that.

We walk about like normal people.

Oh, yeah, perfectly normal people, with a tear gas capsule in your ear.

- It's the Master Spy bit. - Master Spy?

You want to get those romantic ideas out of your head. We laugh at Master Spy.

- Do we really? - Of course.

That's storybook stuff. Agents don't act like that.

No hypodermic needles under the nails?

Pching! Pching! Pcht! Pcht! Pcht!

Now, look. No needles, no knives, no tear gas, no Master Spy.

(Chuckles)

Ha ha ha ha! Eh?

We laugh at Master Spy here.

Why isn't he laughing?

Oh. Well, I suppose I'll have to rely on the old judo.

Judo?

Yes. You know, the judo. The unarmed combat.

Get out of that. I've got him now. He can't move. Tell him.

- I can't move. - He can't move. See?

- What do you mean, judo? - Well, I'll show you.

Would you hold my hat for me, please, Mr er...?

Mr...

Suppose, for argument's sake, I'm in a pub having a nice quiet drink.

Spying for you. I'm working for you, spying for you.

With a beautiful blonde. Know what I mean?

There will be a beautiful blonde?

Huh?

You see? Now, I'm in this pub having a nice drink all by myself.

I want you to come at me with a knife. I'll show you how to get out of it.

Ready? Now, I'm in a pub, having a nice quiet drink. I don't know you're there.

I'm not looking for trouble. I've got the most beautiful... Haven't I?

Right. In this pub. I'll tell you when to come at me.

I'll tell you when.

Right. Come at me now. Now!

See? I've got him now. He can't move.

You move. Go on, you try and move. Go on.

- What are you doing? - That's the knife.

- Eh? - I had the knife in my left hand. I'm left-handed.

- Are you? - Yes.

Oh. (Giggles)

See? That's very good, that.

Excellent. Get out of that. I had him then. He can't move now.

Supposing... Supposing somebody came at you with a gun?

Oh, that's the easiest one in the world, a gun.

I'll show you what I mean. I'll do it slowly. I won't hurt you.

Now, you put the gun in my back.

A bit higher. A bit more. Oh, that's lovely. That's lovely, that.

I'll show you what I mean. I'm going to come round slowly, you see,

- and knock the gun out of your hand. - Oh, I see!

He's tumbled. He's got it now.

Right. And then I'm going to give you the ying tong. Hu!

The ying tong hu!

No, no. No, I do the ying tong, you go "hu!" when I hit you.

- Oh, I see. - But I won't hurt you.

Good-looking lad, isn't he?

- The ying tong. Hu! - I see.

- I'll do it quickly. Are you all right? - Yes, fine.

I won't hurt you. There will be a beautiful blonde in this...?

Right. Are you ready? Here we go.

Ying tong!

Bang.

(Laughs) Very good.

You see? That was excellent, very good. Ha ha ha.

Get out of that. I have him now. He can't move. He can't move.

Supposing you were carrying... secret papers?

- Oh, great! What a lovely idea. In a briefcase? - Yes.

Ah, can I borrow your briefcase, Mr er...?

- Do, do. - Thank you, Mr Doodoo.

Lovely. Now, I'm walking down the street and this is full of secret documents.

I'm working for you, you see.

Now, you try and snatch 'em. I'll show you. Look at that. See what I mean?

I let him have 'em. Watch.

Move. Move. He can't move. Move.

Move.

How's he doing?

Oh... He'll get it before long.

Don't worry about that. He'll get it.

Get out of that. You see? He can't move. Tell him.

- He can't move. - He can't move. Get out of that. Go on.

- Get out of what? - He got out of it.

We're going to watch some television now.

Lovely. Television. Can Mr Doodoo come?

This is our own closed-circuit television.

Secret cameras check the protection of VIPs entering the country.

GRANT: Now watch this very carefully.

(Cheering)

ERIC: Ha ha ha! Hey!

The Beatles are back, then?

Which is Ringo? He's my favourite, you know, Ringo.

That is the Russian trade delegation.

GRANT: That's Sir Edward Seabrook.

- Does he know Ringo? - I've no idea.

He's a patron of the arts and host to the Russians.

That's Rostov head of the trade delegation.

And that's Madame Petrovna. She's a prima ballerina and idol of the Soviet Union.

These are the people whose protection depends upon you.

Mr Rostov, I'm delighted to welcome you and your colleagues to our capital.

Well said. Beautifully said, that. There's a future prime minister there.

A fu... I'll vote for him. I bet he knows Ringo.

I bet he knows him.

Madame Petrovna, we are to be greatly honoured

by your appearance at Covent Garden.

Thank you. I hope you will enjoy our new production of Swan Lake.

Is she one of the birds I get?

Shh. She dances.

As well?

You've seen the people who must be protected. Now you're on your own.

Don't set foot in here until their safety has been assured.

If there's any reason for a meeting an outside rendezvous will be arranged.

Of course.

(Chatter in Russian)

Do you mind, sir?

Who are you?

Happy smiles.

Happy smiles. Smile. Everybody smile.

Cheese. Everybody. Cheese.

One, two, three...

ALL: Cheese!

Um... Shall we go?

(Lively chatter in Russian)

Ha ha ha ha! Ho ho ho! Has the party started, then?

Hey. Where's the drink?

- Drink? - Yes, you know, the old...

Ah...

- Angliisky...? - I'll drink anything.

So where is it?

Where?

Oh, do you know where it is?

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

Come on... sir.

I shall definitely vote for you.

- What are you doing? - Well, she had such lovely hair.

It's a lovely room, isn't it?

- What? - Locked.

Nobody there.

You're right.

Nobody.

(Whispers) The bed.

(Clink)

Right. Let me know as soon as anyone contacts you.

- You're not leaving, are you? - Oh, don't worry, I'll be around.

Somewhere.

- Can I have a quick...? - Ring for room service.

Room service? Oh.

Could I have a... a white lady, please?

Thank you.

(Sings Swan Lake theme)

I am Gina Carlotti.

There is trouble.

Come to my room.

Send me up another white lady, please. Thank you.

Vieni. Vieni.

Are the pubs open, then?

So, we meet at last. The beautiful female spy with the cool, calculating brain.

- Give us a kiss. - Caro mio, there is no time for romancing.

Oh. I beg your pardon.

- Have you anything for me, then? - No. Niente. I have nothing for you.

I wouldn't say nothing.

Could I put those in water for you?

You are to meet me here again tonight at eight o'clock.

In the meantime, you will please to... get rid of him.

- Can't hold his liquor, eh? - He is one of them.

Oh. I thought you were one of them.

Oh, no, no. I am one of us.

Oh.

I found him snooping in here, so my friend Carlos, he had to deal with him.

A pity you were not here earlier

- or you could have done it, no? - Of course.

Now, I must go, so I'll leave you to take him away.

Don't forget. At eight o'clock, here.

- Ciao, carino. - Du. Dubon. Dubonnet.

Come on lad, you better sober up quickly. We don't want you hanging about all night.

There might be one or two secret things going on.

And coming off! (Laughs salaciously)

(Knock at door) - Come in.

(Knock at door) - Oh. Excuse me.

- Your white lady, sir. - Oh, I prefer the other kind.

Good Lord! It's you!

- It is you, isn't it? - One of my many facets.

Ha ha! It's him!

Shh.

- Now, listen to me. - I'm here.

- Did anything happen? - Yes. A lovely girl came in from that room.

Beautiful-looking girl. You should have seen her. Everything.

She would be the contact. Did she have anything?

Have any? You're joking! Oh, everything!

I mean, what did she do?

She came in here, sang, kissed me and left.

- What was the song she sang? - The song? It went...

♪ Taa di daa daaaa little um dum

♪ Tiddle diddle any pom ay tiddle ay da

Then she kissed me and left.

♪ Tai shi tai tai ti-ti-tickety-tai...

No, no. ♪ Tai cha tiddle-ay cha ti-tiddley-di ti-di ti-di

- Then she kissed me and left. - ♪ Ay ay tai a-litty tai...

- What do you keep singing for? - The song might be important.

No, it's the kiss that's important. Smack on the lips.

Pow! It was beautiful.

- Are you going? - Did you go into her room?

Yes.

Why are you embarrassed? Did you do something naughty?

Shut up! I couldn't. There's a fella on the floor in there.

- A fella on the floor? - He's drunk.

- Drunk?! - Drunk.

My goodness, it's Conway!

- Conway? Conway? - Yes. He's one of us.

No. No, he's not. He's one of them. She said so.

No, she's one of them. He's one of us.

I'm one of us. You're one of us.

- Oh. - Except when you're with her.

Then you're one of them... at the same time as you're one of us.

- But don't tell anybody. - I couldn't if I tried, could I?

We'd better sober him up, then, if he's one of...

- Us. - Us.

- I'll go get a jug of water. - You'll need more than that to bring him round.

- Why? - He's dead.

(Flourish of dramatic music)

Where did that music come from then?

You're kidding. Dead! You mean dead drunk.

- Just dead. - Is he?

(Tuts) Poor fella.

- And he was one of you. - One of us.

No, one of you. I've just resigned.

Now, don't talk like that. Conway was one of our best men.

Look what happened to him. What'll happen to me? I'm one of your worst men.

Ah, but you're rated higher. You're much better than Conway.

Anybody's better than Conway. Look at him. What are you going to do with him?

- The Department will take care of it. - Good.

Come on. Give me a hand.

- You said the Department will take care of it. - We are the Department.

- We've got to get him out of the hotel. - Right.

Oh?

(Whistles nonchalantly)

(Gasps)

My, that was efficient.

Ha ha.

Oh, no! Oh!

Some funny people about, isn't there?

Yes. Now, come on, we've got to get this to M.I.5.

You give me one good reason why we should push this thing through the streets.

A certain beautiful Italian girl.

That's a good enough reason. Come on.

- This Italian girls lovely. - Beautiful. She's crazy about you.

- She is. You can tell, can't you? - Oh, yes.

(Breathes deeply)

- Oh, hello, Carlos. - Get me a drink, quickly.

I am not feeling very well.

So... what happened to you?

Never mind.

Now... this... is an invitation to Sir Edward Seabrook's reception for the visiting Russians.

You will give it to our friend next door.

It has been arranged that he will sit next to Petrovna at the dinner.

Karen will Contact him in the foyer downstairs at seven o'clock, before the dinner starts.

She will give him his final instructions. Oh, er... did he get rid of the body?

Sí. The major, he seems to have a way with bodies.

Caro mio. I do believe you're a little jealous.

Maybe. But don't forget, he is a professional killer.

Now, I must go. And I will leave you to him.

Remember, he is dangerous, Gina. Be careful.

Sí, Carlo.

But I have my job to do.

That's perfect. You look marvellous. Oh, just a minute.

Oh. I wish you wouldn't do that.

- No, don't do that, please. - Why not?

It's not my handkerchief, it's my shirt. I've got a hole in my pocket. My shirt comes through.

Your shirt?

- Hey. - What?

- I wish you wouldn't do that. - Don't waste time. Get in there.

Hey, why are you taking your glasses off?

Well, you never know what might happen in there.

I might have to turn on all the old romantic charm to get what I'm after.

The message. You know what girls are like about fellas with glasses.

Girls never make passes at fellas with glasses?

- The opposite sex don't like specs. - Yeah.

Well, hello there.

Hello.

All right. Hello there.

So, we meet again.

Sí, Caro.

But this time... without a body.

Of course.

As you know...

...I'd do anything for a beautiful woman like you.

Oh, che buffo!

Are there two of you?

No, no, stupido. I am over here.

Per favore, would you fix me a little drink?

A drink? Certainly, yes.

- Where are the drinks? - On the sideboard.

Ah. Well er... where's the sideboard?

You are standing beside it.

Oh... Just testing you.

(French accent) A little apéritif.

This one is for you.

Not too much.

And this is mine.

Could I have a little drink, please?

Another one?

You're knocking 'em back, aren't you?

(Clears throat)

Mamma mia! This is not a game... Major Cavendish.

Who?

Oh, yes.

Now, I have something that you want.

Take it because I must go.

It is an invitation to Sir Edward Seabrook's reception tomorrow night.

Karen will Contact you in the foyer at seven o'clock.

- Karen? - Mm-hm.

Yes.

And now, tesoro mio...

could I have another little drink?

Oh.

All right.

You know. I was wondering if maybe you...

I thought that if...

What I was trying... Oh, ho! There you are.

You know, a beautiful woman like you...

And you are beautiful.

I was wondering... now that we've

- finished our transaction... - What are you doing?

There's a fella just come in.

I'm sorry. There's a fella in.

It's me. Ern.

Excuse me.

(Whispers) Get out. She doesn't know who you are. Get out!

- I'm sorry about this. - But she's not here.

(Groans)

Have you been here all the time? Have I been chatting you up?

She just left. Now, tell me, what happened?

Nothing. I couldn't find her.

Oh, yes. She gave me this card. It's an invite to a reception.

- I've got to find a girl called Karen. - Karen? She must be the contact.

I hope I make better Contact with her than I did with her.

- You must go there. - Are you going as well?

Well, of course. But you may not recognise me.

Oh. Is it going to be one of those?

- Waiter. - Yes, sir?

Could I have...

It is you, isn't it?

That's clever, that. That's real cunning.

- I thought you were a waiter. - I am a waiter.

- Oh, well, I'll have a gin and tonic. - I'm not serving you.

Move around and get contacted.

(Sings Swan Lake theme)

(Joins in)

- Karen? - No. Over by the flowers.

(Sings Swan Lake theme)

(Joins in)

- Karen? - No. Over to ze gonk.

Ze gonk?

The gonk.

- (Woman sings Swan Lake theme) - (Eric joins in)

ERIC: He-he-hey! - (Woman screams)

He-he-hey!

- Karen? - No! There on the silver settee!

Steady, boy.

Please... (Hums Swan Lake theme badly)

It's me, you fool.

So it is. I didn't recognise... You could have dropped lucky.

- How are you doing? - Oh, great.

If you see a girl called Karen, lock her up, otherwise she'll spoil everything.

- Are you getting anywhere? - You're joking! Ho ho ho!

- As soon as you make contact, let me know. - Yes, I will. I'm making a few contacts... Oh...

(Hums Swan Lake theme)

(Joins in)

Thank you.

- Karen? - Da. We meet at last, Major.

I'm sorry to have to move you around so much but... precautions are most necessary.

- Shall we sit down? - Oh, yes.

You know, you did not look like a killer when we first see you.

- So it was important to check. - Yes, well, looks can be very deceptive.

But in my case, they aren't.

Caviar, madame?

Thank you.

- Listen carefully. - Mm?

Our objective is Petrovna.

On the next piece of caviar, you will find a pill.

I want you to put it in Petrovna's glass tonight at dinner.

Pick it up.

Will it bring express relief?

Phillip will be seated next to you at table if you need any help.

Phillip?

(Whispers) I've got the pill, Phil.

Good luck, my brave friend.

Now it is time to go to the reception.

Not a word to anyone.

Remember, not a word to anyone.

Psst!

(Whispers) Come here.

Come here. I want to talk to you.

- Did you... Did you get any orders? - Yes.

- What were they? - Not a word to anyone. They are my orders.

It's all right, you can tell me.

I'm not having people saying I can't keep a secret.

- But you're on our side! - Not a word to anyone. They're my orders.

- Yeah, you're quite right. - Eh? What?

- You mustn't tell me. - About what?

- About the um... - Oh, about the...

Clever. Nearly had me telling you about the pill in the drink.

- The pill? You mentioned a pill. - Nobody mentioned a pill.

- They have been known to put a pill in the drink. - It's nothing like that at all.

I'll tell you what, you were very close. Take that. Thank you.

- You follow the river to get out. - The river?

Sir Edward, how wonderfully you've arranged everything for us.

Madame, nothing is too much for the greatest ballerina in the world.

Oh, you're most kind.

- Hello there. - Er... Good evening.

- Major Cavendish, isn't it? - Who?

Oh, me? Yes, I am. I am him.

I think you've met Madame Petrovna.

Oh, many times, yes, yes. Many...

You twiddle about a bit on the stage, don't you?

Now, then, the last time I saw you was at the Old Empire, Moscow.

A beautiful theatre. It's a Rank bowling alley now.

Pching! Pching! Pching! They send them down.

- Night after night. Making a fortune. - Pardon?

Granted. But don't worry. I have a pill. It brings express relief.

Shall we be seated? Most of the guests seem to have arrived.

(Booming) Ladies and gentlemen, would you please take your places for dinner?

- Excuse me... - (Booming) Yes?

It is you, isn't it? Eh?

I thought it was. Oh, that's clever. Very clever.

How do you do it? Those disguises.

Oh, it comes natural to me. I'm a man of many faces.

- Including that one? - Yes.

- That's marvellous. - What are the orders?

Shh, Shh, Shh.

Would you...?

Could you...? Please. I can't get in.

It's all right. Thank you. Thank you. I'm sorry. I've got the leg of the table.

No, no.

Can I help you, sir?

Thank you. Could you turn me over?

Yes, certainly.

Round this way.

Just a moment.

Oh. Thank you very much.

- Oh... It's you. - Yes.

- How do you change so quickly? - One of my many disguises.

I'll give you... a bit of a...

No. No, don't push. Pull. Pull.

Pull. Pull. Pull!

- Don't pull! - Oh. Sorry.

Push.

I'm terribly sorry.

Let's get the leg... You come round.

Oh? Oh?

- What's the matter? - The fork.

Lovely.

Terribly sorry. Thank you.

- You're making an exhibition of yourself. - Terribly sorry.

Go round to the end of the table, crawl underneath and come up through here.

You've been very kind.

Ooh?

Are you still having difficulty?

Over here.

- Oh, yes. It's the leg of the table, you know. - Yes, I know.

- We'll have to shift the table. - Yes.

You go to that end and I'll go to the other.

- How will I get to that end? - Underneath.

Could you move back a little, do you think, please?

Thank you.

To me.

Would you all go down the other end? Take the chairs.

You'll never get served there, you know.

That's better. Eh?

I had the leg of the table, you know.

I said I... I had the...

Waiter?

- Yes, sir? - I have a complaint to make.

- And what is that, sir? - There's a dead man in my soup.

Madame Petrovna.

- Good morning, Madame. - Ah, Sir Edward.

Oh, I'm still so upset about that poor man who died.

Oh, yes. A shocking business.

We're still waiting for the doctor's report.

Undoubtedly, it was some form of heart attack.

We don't think so.

Rostov says there are some people who will stop at nothing

to ruin the trade pact between our two peoples.

Only criminals making money through the Cold War.

They're hardly likely to have been at my reception.

But I wonder, what was that major up to?

Ah, yes, indeed. Are you going to Covent Garden now?

- Oh, yes. We must rehearse. - I suppose I couldn't come along and watch?

Ballet is the mainspring of my life, you know.

Why not? You're most welcome, Sir Edward. Come.

(Squeal of brakes and huge crash)

- Are you coming, then? - Yes.

That table over there.

Are they here, then, now? Are they here, eh? Are they?

Are you one? Is he one of 'em?

The dead man was a Schlecht agent.

I know that, don't I? I know that.

Somebody must have poisoned him.

I know that as well. But the question is, who?

What are we leaning back for like this?

As long as Schlecht think it was an accident, we'll be all right.

That was marvellous, that.

That was fantastic. You said that without moving your lips.

How long have you been a ventriloquist? Do it again for me. Go on, Ern.

I think Petrovna's the one they're out to get.

Oh, no, I saw your lips moving then. I saw them moving.

Petrovna? That could really destroy the trade pact.

That was it! That was marvellous. Not a muscle twitched.

- Shut up. - No, I saw them moving then.

I saw them moving then.

If Schlecht get suspicious, my man's as good as dead.

You're not as good leaning back as you are leaning forward.

That's the chance we've got to take.

That was it again. That was marvellous.

Hey, say "greed and gutter" like they do, go on.

Say "greed and gutter". I can't do it.

- What are you talking about? - You say it.

I'm not a vent.

I was talking to Reed and Grant behind.

- Oh. - I was leaning back and talking to them.

Didn't want anybody to know that I know them.

Oh, that's marvellous.

Hey. (Laughs)

(Posh voice) Hello. Major Cavendish here, handing in his resignation.

That was a stupid thing to do.

The whole thing's stupid, isn't it?

We come in here, we sit on chairs, we lean back, we go... (Mutters)

Well, it's stupid! I've resigned. I've finished.

You can't. The relationship between East and West depends on you.

I'm not worried about that. And do you know why? I'm from the North.

Excuse me.

Ah, look, don't be like that. You can't...

Sí.

Yeah, understood.

Right.

Well?

Our leader says the real Major Cavendish is dead.

He died in Paris.

Dead?

But who is the one with the glasses?

Probably working for British intelligence.

We must get rid of him quickly.

I'm finished with this lark, I tell you.

Carting dead bodies about.

I'm a hot froth maker, that's what I am.

I make hot froth. That's what I was trained to do, make hot froth.

Where are the birds? You promised me birds.

"You'll get lovely birds," you said. What do I get? Women going...

♪ Je ti da-da-la je ti da... Mwah!

That's no good to a man of my age.

(Knock on door)

Ha ha ha ha! That's good. That's a funny disguise. I like that.

- I'm not in disguise. I'm normal. - What about the wig?

- I must have a word. It's most... What's that? - It's an advert for a film.

- Roxy cinema, seat E4, seven-thirty, tonight. - Hey, listen.

This must be another Contact from Schlecht. You must go there.

Oh, no. I'm going back to my old job.

Hot froth and birds.

Better than that... hot birds and froth.

It's a good film on at the Roxy.

That's what I'd like to do. Go to the cinema.

- I don't blame you. - What's on?

- Robert Mitchum. - Oh, I like him. He's a good actor.

- Yeah. What's he in? - The Wonderful Country.

I missed that one. What time's it start?

- Seven-thirty. - Seven-thirty.

- Would you like me to book a ticket? - Would you do that?

Yeah. How about... row E, seat four?

That'll do fine, yeah. Robert Mitchum. He's the one that walks like this.

No, no, no, he doesn't walk like that. He walks more like this.

Get away! That's a little John Wayne, that.

Robert Mitchum walks like this, I'm telling you.

Your ticket, sir?

Thank you.

After me, sir.

Row E, sir.

It's you, isn't it?

- That's marvellous! That's your best yet. - Think so?

I bet you're the double of your mother.

- Who's cheeky? Who's got a cheeky face? - I am.

Get in the seat. Seat four.

(Whispers) The one in the middle.

No, no. No, no, no.

What? What?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. Would you look after my seat for me, please?

I won't be very long.

(Whispers)

(Mouths)

- Did you get one? - Yes. Yes, I got it.

Please, would you mind?

Excuse me.

Excuse me. That is my seat.

You see, because I might get a message in that seat.

I'm expecting a message... in that seat.

If that seat gets a message, would you pass it on to me, please?

Excuse me. I was saying if... if that...

Oh, it's you.

Do you know you've got a knife in your back?

Eh? I think you do.

Excuse me, please.

What's the matter? You haven't suddenly got cold feet?

I haven't, he has. There's a man sat there with a knife in the middle of his back.

He's sat in the seat that I should have been sat in and he's dead.

Your seat? Hey, I think that knife was meant for you.

- That thought... - (Breast squeaks)

Sorry. That thought had occurred to me. And I've come to a conclusion.

- I know what I'm going to do. - And what's that?

- Olé! - You can't just back out now. We need you.

You can't just give up. We've given you a licence to kill.

I'd rather have a licence to surrender.

Listen. They'll take me off the case.

- So? So? - But this is a wonderful chance for me.

A golden opportunity to make something of my life.

Look, there's only one thing I want to do before I die.

- What's that? - Live a long time.

- All right. All right. - What? What?

If you won't do it for me, do it for your country.

For England. Look what she's done for you.

She's fed you, clothed you.

- Educated you, housed you. - And look at the result.

- Yeah. - A coward.

I don't want an assassins bullet finishing me off.

It won't necessarily kill you.

There's plenty of places where a bullet could go clean through without much pain.

- You only think of yourself. - I'm entitled to. Cos I'm the only one I've got.

But listen...

Listen, if you can only remember that tune, I'm sure it would put us onto their plans.

Not interested.

Go on. Do it for me.

No.

- Well, do it for me. - Yes. No! No!

Will you do it for me?

Pardon?

I want you to do it. Say you will, darling.

Just for me. Say you'll do it.

All right.

I'll do it.

Thank you, darling

I'll see you later.

Ever feel you've missed out on something?

Never mind that. You said you'd do it.

Yeah, but what was it I said I'd do?

Are you sure you can't remember this tune? The one they sing to you before they speak.

I keep telling you. It goes...

♪ Taaa tuum tum ta

♪ Ta ta tuuum

- ♪ Taa... - (Men join in)

♪ Taa taa tum

♪ ...at twi... light

♪ When the lights are low

♪ And the whispering shadows

♪ Softly come and go-o-o

- Beautiful! Beautiful! - Is that the tune?

- No, but it's beautiful, isn't it? - How does it go?

I keep telling you!

♪ Taa taa taa...

♪ Twi... light

♪ When the lights are low

♪ And the whispering shadows softly...

- No, that's the same tune! - Oh, you know what it's from. It's from that er...

That opera. Swan Lake. Where all the fellas run on with spears and jig about a lot.

- You knew the title and you never told me? - You never asked me the title.

You just keep saying "How's it go? How's it go?"

I keep telling you it goes...

♪ Taa taa

(Men join in)

- ♪ When the lights are low... - No, no! Listen, I know how it goes!

- How's it go, then? Go on, you're all talk. - Swan Lake, first movement.

Go on.

♪ Laa da da da da deee da daa

(Eric and men join in)

♪ Twilight

- ♪ When the lights... - Wait a minute! I've got it, fellas.

- Have you? - Yes, it all ties in with Schlecht.

We've got to go down to Covent Garden.

Petrovna is dancing Swan Lake tonight and they're out to kill her.

There you are, you see. We know what we're talking about.

- Let's not waste any time. Let's go. - Wait a moment. I'm not going anywhere.

I haven't understood this from the beginning. What is it all about?

♪ Just a song at twilight...

Very clever. Very clever thinking, I must say.

- I'm filled with admiration. - Eh?

The way you tied it all in. The way you found the connection between Swan Lake and Petrovna.

- That was pretty smart. - Me?

Oh, yeah, well, I mean...

I do have a flash of inspiration now and again. You know what I mean?

What do you think we should do about it?

There's only one thing to do.

- What? - Find out where this lake is.

- Covent Garden. - Well, we'll go there and get a boat out.

- That's the thing. - What do you want me to do?

- You get changed and I'll see you there. - Right.

No, just a moment... I've done it again!

(Bells jingle)

It's about time you got here.

- You didn't recognise me, did you? - No, you fooled me completely.

Have a cigar.

- I haven't overdone it, have I? - No, not in the least.

Sleigh bells... Cossack.

Watch it. That's all. Just watch it.

Follow me and remember, you're supposed to be a ballet dancer.

There's a man following us.

What do you expect, walking like this?

Now, don't forget, you're a Russian, so speak Russian.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Drobnovich... er... Moscovitch... Nijinsky!

(Scots accent) Aye. Falkirk... Kilmarnock... Partick Thistle. Er...

Motherwell one, Father's well, too.

It's a brew bricht munelicht nicht... the nicht.

(English voice) Carlos, this time Petrovna must die.

If you fail I shall have to kill her myself.

I won't fail.

- Anything happened yet? - No, not yet.

- All right. I'll go back to the front of house. - Right.

- Refills for the fire extinguishers. - Hurry. The curtain goes up soon.

- Do you know your way? - Yes.

We must be very careful.

- I'll go in here and find myself a good disguise. - It's a good idea.

Ern! How do you do it so quickly?

This is fantastic. Not only do you look like your mother, but you are your mother.

I'm proud of you. Proud of you, Ern.

There's two of you! How have you done it? Cheeky. How have you done it?

With mirrors, isn't it? Hey? With mirrors. Here.

Have a cigar.

Come on.

(Orchestra tuning up)

- Everything all right? - Yeah, it's all fixed.

I want you to keep your eyes open for any of the Schlecht gang.

- Could be anyone of these here. - Any one, yes.

- It could be him. - Nah, none of them dress like that.

(Applause)

- That's Petrovna. Don't let her out of your sight. - Right.

Good evening, Madame. Hardly necessary to wish you good luck.

It is always necessary and somehow tonight, I am so nervous.

Who is that man?

Hey, you.

No, you.

Excuse me. Good luck.

- Who are you? - Ah. Now, are you English or Russian?

- English. - Ah, well.

De pilbrooks bla... gang awa gang awa.

Chto vy tut dyelayetye?

With his claymore.

Kto vam dal razresheniye zdes byf?

Just watch it, Fred. That's all.

Just watch it.

All right, house lights.

Don't you move.

Bystro. Bystro!

(Applause)

♪ Swan Lake, Overture

What did he say?

- He told me not to move. - Good.

(Audience murmurs)

(Laughter)

Get him!

- It's a full house out there, Ern. - Now you've done it. Come on.

I saw Bernard Levin.

Nichego, nichego, dorogaya.

Ooh. Ah?

Well?

(They chat in made-up Russian)

We've got to find out how they are going to kill her.

That's true.

- (Whistles nervously) - What?

I've got it.

This. This! They'll use this.

- How? How? - You know nothing about opera, do you?

- No. - What happens is,

they get an apple and they put it on a little girls head...

They fire this... pching! It misses. It's from Robin Hood.

- William Tell. - He should have kept his mouth shut.

- Put that down! - Terribly sorry.

- You again! - Shhh.

- (Yelps) - It's all right, they've gone.

- I thought the English were on our side. - They are.

- Why do we keep running away? - I don't know. Come on.

Ah, no. I've done enough running. I'm going in here.

Oooh!

- Who was it? - It's that Sch... Sch... Schlecht agent.

The one we're after. Run!

Wait a minute! We should be chasing him, not him chasing us.

Of course.

I was right the first time. Run!

(Bucket clatters)

- He's dead! - My poor Ivan.

Please... help me to take him to my room.

(Cheering)

Bravo! Bravo!

Isn't Petrovna superb? Out of this world.

Such a sad story, though. Doesn't the Swan Queen die in the end?

It's only a fairy tale.

Even in a fairy tale sometimes someone has to die.

This way, sir.

This is Colonel Grant of M.I.5.

- What happened? - Ivan has been murdered.

- Who? - Madame Petrovna's bodyguard.

- We must stop the ballet at once. - No, no, no, no. I... I am not afraid.

On the stage, among my company, I shall be safe.

♪ Spanish Dance

- What are we dressed like this for? - Does it matter?

Shh. Shh. (Whistles nonchalantly)

We've got to find that Schlecht man, the one with the gun. He was in there.

- Well, go and see if he still is. - Ahh, coward.

- He's gone. - I know that. He must have gone into hiding.

- Look in the most unlikely places. - I'll look in the girls' dressing rooms.

No, no, no. He's probably on the side of the stage.

You're so right! I'll look in the girls' dressing rooms.

This way.

Now... you go this way, I'll go that way.

Oh, right.

- You get a good view from here, don't you? - Quiet! I warn you, this can kill.

- Get back there. - It's cold!

Hey.

Ern!

It has the advantage of being completely silent.

Could I make one last request?

- What? - Don't fire it.

Are you all right?

Fine.

- All right, Reed, take him away. - Fools! The ballerina will still die tonight.

What's he say? What's he say?

- I don't know about you, but I'm off. - Oh, no, you're not.

You're both going to keep your eyes on Petrovna from the other side of the stage.

No, not across the stage. Go behind the scenery.

- Behind the scenery, not across the stage. Idiot! - Idiot!

The killer is definitely still here. You cover the auditorium, I'll watch in the wings.

Right, sir.

♪ Introduction to Dance Of The Swans

♪ Dance Of The Swans

(Scattered laughter)

(Laughter grows)

My feet are killing me.

I know who the killer is.

Who? Who is it?

- It's... (Mumbles) - Who?

(Uproarious laughter)

How...

- Who's the killer, then? Who? Who? - I told you.

You never said. You never told me. He never said. He never said.

A-one, two... a-one, two, three, four!

(Music starts)

Look. It's the owl! He's got a knife.

Petrovna!

- Get it off him! - Come on!

- Right. Come on. - Yes.

This way.

Do something!

Ooh? Ooh?

Now, you can't move now. You're paralysed on one side.

He's left-handed. He had the knife in his left hand.

Did he? That's clever.

Ha ha ha!

It's you! And I was going to vote for you. I was going to vote for him.

- I knew it was him all the time. - You didn't.

- I tried to tell you in the dance. - You never said. You never mentioned a name.

All right, Reed.

Well done, Sage.

Just a moment.

(Cheerful chatter)

There were two old men in deck chairs and one old man says...

(Group laughs)

(General chatter)

Excuse me.

Hello, there. Can I help you?

Nice to see you again.

I just thought I'd pop in in case there was a party going on.

Party? Well, there's no party here.

Oh. Because, if you remember, I was promised a bird, you know.

Oooh. I was promised. For my part in the international incident.

Oh. No, this is just a small staff party.

You know what government departments are like. Won't spend a penny.

Well, could I have some government chicken?

If that's the only bird I'm going to get, I'll settle for that.

Well, you know how it is.

Oh. How is it? It looks delicious.

I'd love to help you but my hands are tied.

Yes. Oh, I can see that.

I'll have a word with the chief. Maybe he can fix you up with a cup of tea, eh?

My name carries quite a bit of weight around here now, you know.

Well, it's entitled to with all the food you're scoffing.

- Like a cup of tea? - Cup of tea?

Yeah, mm.

- No, thanks. - There's a corned beef sandwich over there.

Look, over there.

- No, it's... it's... No, I understand. - Yeah? Hm?

- No, I'll go home. - No, wait a minute. What's the matter? Don't go.

Come back! Come back.

Just a minute.

Excuse me.

You. Why do you keep following me? Eh? Why do you keep following me?

The film's over.

(Camp voice) Oh, thank you.

- Idiot. - What did you say the film was over for?

- It is a film, isn't it? - You've given the game away now.

- Ah, shut up. - I've been taking acting lessons.