Original subtitles

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"...

We can't just let anyone join our ranks.

And that vampire you made is an abomination.

Your assessment is back on the books.

3 and 1/2 days until our certain doom.

I'm a vampire.

How stupid do you think that I am?

I'm being reassigned to the Yukon?

It's everything you need to know about your assessment.

Holy motherload.

Is that what I think it is? Angel's blood.

If tonight is your last night on Earth,

then you should probably say goodbye to your friends.

What's in the bag? It's him.

It's Logan the Re-animator.

I thought you'd be fatter.

Reggie's special. He just hasn't realized it yet.

I had no idea how amazing I was.

That's his superpower.

You're gonna die.

Reg, you've gotta make me a vampire.

I think you're onto something, Todd.

I could be your secret weapon.

I got a date with the final puzzle piece.

- You're late. - Sorry.

Um... here.

Look, I know there's a difference

between forgiving and forgetting.

Maybe I can't do one without the other.

But I know why you did what you did.

I know your history.

I think I can do that now...

Forgive, forget.

Thank you.

Hey.

You gonna be there tomorrow?

- No. - Why not?

I don't want to watch you die.

I knew it was you without even looking.

Sire bond.

Wherever you are, I know where you are.

And whatever you feel, I can feel it, too.

Shouldn't that have worn off by now?

Well, some bonds, they last longer than others.

Okay.

Tell me what I feel.

They're here.

As duly appointed representative

of the Council of the Americas,

I, LeBron James, bring with me a warrant

requiring your presence...

Wait, wait, wait. Your name is LeBron James?

At a meeting of the Council of the Americas

to determine your suitability for inclusion

in the vampire population...

Because if I were you, I'd probably go

by a nickname or something,

like Buddy or Sneaky Pete, Cheekbones.

As measured by the officially sanctioned

Council assessment, henceforth referred to as The Assessment.

Or, you know, probably just never use your last name.

Like, you know there's

a pretty famous basketball player named LeBron James?

I mean, he was born right here in Akron.

Said assessment to be held on this morning

at a time and place ordered by our glorious leader,

Logan the Impenetrable.

I knew a guy named Ted Cruz.

It made his life a living hell.

How droll.

Joke now. Die later.

Sorry. Performance anxiety.

Your spawn is very chatty.

But you have nothing to say, Maurice?

I don't blame you.

If only you'd cooperated when we came for you the first time

instead of making your little scene

and siring this abomination.

But that is a very different world

than the one we live in now.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'd rather live in his world

than live without him in mine.

Sweet.

Come with us, Maurice. Blob.

Want me to tell you how you feel?

You're afraid you're not enough.

That's how you feel.

Not smart enough to get us out of this mess

and not brave enough to face the consequences if you do.

"Not enough" is a feature, not a bug.

Then why do I believe in you like I do?

Low standards disorder?

Do you think I can really pull this off?

I think this is some of the craziest shit

I've ever seen.

And I've been living the vampire life for 50 years.

But do you think I can?

Yeah, Reggie.

I do.

Thank you.

My belief in you doesn't require gratitude.

Not for that.

For saving my life.

Kinda turned you to an undead creature of the night.

Point taken.

There's definitely negatives to the lifestyle.

But... I don't know.

My life before all of this was...

just a car with spinning wheels.

Maybe this was the life I was supposed to lead.

Is that weird?

I don't know.

Weird it is pretty much your brand.

So Vampire Guard, am I right?

Yeah. Um...

Do you have to go to some kind of Vampire Guard school

or an academy?

You ever hear of the Yeoman Warders?

Yeah, right.

They guard the Tower of London and, uh,

according to one theory, they're called the Beefeaters

because they were allowed to eat as much meat

as they wanted to when they dined with the king.

Oh, right.

Okay, picking up the pace. I totally get it.

I mean, I'm in no rush, for obvious reasons.

But hey, wouldn't want to be late for my own... oof.

Party.

It is my great and lasting honor

to announce the presence of Logan the Unquenchable.

Whoa.

My good vampires, regional directors,

the very best of our kind,

we are gathered here today

to evaluate and assess the fitness

of the newborn vampire you see before you.

The vampire known as Reginald Andres.

Mere decades ago...

A blink of an eye in the lives we lead,

even less for those of us fortunate enough

to measure our biography in centuries,

it was determined

that a kind of culling was required,

a way to shape and perfect our race.

And so the first Assessment was held.

And subsequent to that,

every newborn vampire participated in it

in order to guarantee our future,

and to do so according to the laws that bind and protect us.

On a personal note,

like many of you, I was made

long before The Assessment came into being.

But I have seen the benefit,

seen how our species has improved and evolved.

Once, we were a race united by our thirst,

but only our thirst.

Now, in this modern age,

we are approaching a kind of species divinity.

Hey, yo, Deacon?

Could we get this show on the road?

I got dinner plans.

Fair warning.

The Assessment is of great meaning for us.

It's as close to a holy ritual as we maintain.

Scorn it, ridicule it at your own peril,

if only because the amount of pain and consequence

you suffer after you fail

is in direct proportion

to how much you piss me off

along the way!

Look, I'm not here to be a party poop or anything,

but come on, man. We're gonna be here all week

if you don't cut it with the yakety-yak.

Oh.

Very well. It is my distinct pleasure to announce

that the vampiric abilities and potential assessment,

henceforth known as The Assessment,

shall begin!

Let there be bells.

This dude puts the D in douchebag.

Hey.

Hey.

Ready?

Visualize, actualize, achieve.

Defying Gravity.

Visualize, actualize, achieve.

Um, you have to defy gravity.

- I'm on it. - Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Three, two, one.

5 inches.

Aw, wait, wait. Come on, come on.

I can do this. Let me do it again.

If you wish. A do-over.

Okay.

Really?

4 inches.

It's really pretty amazing when you think about it.

Fail.

The Dubious Arm-Bender.

Fail.

Identifying the Cheese.

Fail.

Catch the Orb.

You must catch the orb before it hits the ground.

I figured that out all by myself,

thank you very much. - You're welcome.

On my mark.

Three, two, one.

Wrong shoes.

Fail.

The Lonely Goatherd.

Fail.

Hell is Other People.

Fail!

They All Fall Down.

Ooh, ah. Little known fact...

There's a right way and a wrong way

to knock down the bottles,

though the solution may seem counterintuitive.

But that's the point, right? That's why no one ever wins.

We assume the best place to throw the ball

is right at the middle.

But as the bottom bottles are weighted,

that'll never knock them down.

So we need to rely on accuracy more than power.

What you have to do is aim between the two middle bottles

on the bottom row.

I once won ten oversized teddy bears

in one single night.

Pass.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

A Fiendish Jumble. Pass.

Name That Room. Pass.

The Finger Trap of Sorrow.

Seriously?

Does anyone ever fail this?

I don't know why he says that it's virtually impossible.

Pass.

The Golden Ratio.

I'm sorry, but the hairline to the upper eyelid

should be 1.618 times the length of the upper eyebrow

to the lower eyelid, but I mean,

I just don't even know.

Really? This is just insulting.

Fail!

After a very long day

filled with failure and some success,

two tests remain.

Death's Sharp Sting.

If he fails this test,

he'll be mathematically eliminated...

And of course, tortured and killed,

along with you.

I almost forgot.

You must carry the nest from one podium to the other.

If you are stung, you fail.

Little known fact.

Bees... even hornets...

Are not evil, like some monsters I know.

They defend their home when they perceive a threat.

If you swat at them or do some violent gesture to them,

they will read that as trouble,

and that encourages them to sting.

Now, most insects get their cues from smells in the air...

Your own breath.

That informs them that you're near.

But if you were to hold your breath for 10, 30, 50 seconds,

they will no longer detect you.

They will leave you in peace...

like so.

Pass.

Silence.

There is only one test remaining.

It will decide whether you live or you die.

And I am thinking that you will die in the most

horrible... - Bring it on, old man.

I'm ready to do this.

The Claw of Impossibility.

Hey.

I'm really sorry.

- I appreciate the support. - Yeah.

The Claw of Impossibility.

Do you just like hearing yourself talk?

You have 60 seconds.

Okay.

Uh, all right.

Just calmly... okay. Yeah, right there.

Okay, cool. That was a...

That was just a mistake, I feel like.

Keep going, okay.

Focus.

45 seconds.

Holy [mutters].

Okay, I got this one. I got this one.

Ah. Hello, Mr. Horse.

I'm gonna get you a new home.

Sarah lives there.

She'll take great care of you...

lucky horse.

Okay.

25 seconds.

Ohh.

Okay.

You have 10 seconds.

Focus. Calm hands.

Oh, my God. I got it. I got it!

This is it. Okay.

Okay, okay.

Spectators: Oh!

Fail!

God damn it.

Sorry you couldn't get to meet Sarah.

She's the best girl in the world.

This brings to an end The Assessment.

The subject, Reginald Andres, does not pass.

He is not worthy.

He is not one of us.

He is defective

and an insult to the purity that binds us together.

Prepare the Chamber of the Sun.

Welcome to the penalty phase of The Assessment.

We will begin with a little light torture...

As much or as little as I command.

After this appetizing spectacle concludes,

we will let the sunshine in

and be rid of this pestilent aberration.

Oh, for...'s sake, bring it on.

Do not be impatient, blob.

The end of your eternal life will come soon enough.

But it is not enough for you to die.

Your entire bloodline, your progeny,

must die with you.

Bring in the progeny.

I don't have any progeny. He's not a vampire!

No. No!

You thought you could fool us?

Todd never hurt anybody.

It's my fault. I did this.

Todd Sleater, aged 28 human years when turned.

Vampire, age of one day.

Hereby sentenced to death as tainted blood

in conjunction with the sentencing

of Reginald Andres.

I would like to formally thank

the recently demoted director of the Midwest region

for making this special moment possible.

Your service is greatly appreciated.

You... ing bitch.

I'm reminded, as his sire,

that you will shortly join the roundish one

in death.

Interrupt the ceremony a second time,

and you will die before him.

I'm sorry, Reg. I-I tried to save you.

I tried to follow the plan.

She stopped me.

The death of your spawn

is not the only penalty to be paid.

As is customary and necessary to the survival of our kind,

any human that knows your secret must die

on the day that you die.

It has come to my attention... And again,

big shout-out to the former director

of the Midwest region...

That there are two such humans,

and their names are Sarah and Claire.

No.

Please, don't do this.

I deserve to die, but not them.

Please, I'll do anything.

You will only do one thing.

You will die.

And they will die with you.

You!

I haven't been a vampire for very long,

just a collection of days... That's it.

But that's all I needed to know about you.

You're empty.

You're vain. You're cruel.

The last creatures on Earth deserving eternity.

Life is a finger trap, and you're too stupid

to see the beauty in it.

That's why you're really dead.

Dead and sentenced

to an endless parade of wasted years.

But forever's a long time.

Eventually, time will catch up with you,

because you are the past,

and I am the future.

Torture him now!

Let the torture begin!

Time to die, little girl.

Holy shitballs.

Just one cut...

A cut that heals, but painful.

Then a second cut.

Then a third, each cut healing.

And as many cuts as I determine

before your torture is ended.

You will die many deaths before your true death,

a death that you will welcome, if only

to end all this pain.

But your final passing will see your progeny burn

as we let the sun shine in.

Cut him.

Enough!

Is that all? Cut me!

Deeper. No mercy.

Let the sun shine in.

What is that?

Oh, right.

Sorry, I forgot that was in there.

Surprise, vampires!

I'm still a human.

Burn, vampires, burn!

Off with his head.

Thank you.

You're on your own now. Good luck, vampire.

You're gonna want to take cover for this next part.

Aah!

Angel's blood!

Aah!

Uh-oh, I'm out. Shit.

I am Logan, pure and powerful.

Did you honestly think

that you could kill me...

As is mandated by our custom,

I claim deaconship

of the Council of the Americas henceforth.

And as deacon, my first official act

is to pardon the prisoner Reginald Andres.

Yeah, you do.

She killed the assassins.

They didn't even make it inside.

Welcome to the Slushy Shack. How may I help you?

You're still you.

- Is that a problem? - I don't think so.

You did it.

Not me.

He did.

I got a thing with the final puzzle piece.

Where? Wait, what is it? Reggie!

Hey, Angie.

Can I come in?

I think it's time we have a little talk.

So how will they know I'm not still human?

Because for all they know, you're a newly-turned vampire,

and newly-turned vampires still have human blood in them.

So all you have to do is deliver him.

And all you have to do is sob like you mean it.

And you'll have to make Logan angry...

Like, really angry.

Because the angrier he gets, the worse the torture.

The deeper the cuts.

I can do that.

Do you think I'm gonna need a little more Angel's blood?

I'm a first time shooter, long-time pacifist.

No, that's enough.

Okay, you've got one target and one target only,

and that's Logan the Cockroach.

Reggie, this is gonna hurt.

- Don't worry. - You sure, man?

I was made for this.

Well, that was a hoot.

Logan is dust.

Reginald won the day.

Maurice is the new deacon of the Council of the Americas.

And I am what I was before...

Reinstated, the director of the Midwest region,

and not to mention, your worst nightmare.

I don't know what I was thinking.

It was a momentary lapse of reason,

some sort of witchcraft.

- Let us live. - Forgive us.

- Please. - Please.

Well, I suppose the company is preferable

to me wandering around this big old house

like a ghost.

And you do have your uses,

despite your traitorous instincts.

Thank you.

We will do anything.

Fair enough. If that bitch survived,

find Eve and bring her to me.

And then I'll rip out her heart and feed it to her.

♪ The beautiful corner... ♪

Big day.

The best.

Were you 100% sure your plan was gonna work?

Nope.

Okay, now you tell me.

But I had a pretty good idea.

It turns out believing in your friends

is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

- I'm your friend. - Right?

- Oh... - How weird is that?

I mean, a lot of crazy shit has happened recently,

but that's just... whoa.

I'm glad we're friends, too.

Thanks, man.

Yeah, buddy.

♪ The candle-lit table ♪

♪ As we cut loose... ♪

- Turn me. - I'm sorry, what?

- Make me like you. - Todd, we've been over this.

Come on, man. I put my life on the line for you.

True. But that's all the more reason

for me to protect it.

Dude, I would make an awesome vampire.

You know it.

- Okay, probably also true. - Right?

But...[sighs] dude,

th-that's something I can't deal with right now.

The responsibility of it. - Turn me.

Asking me over and over

is not gonna increase your chances of me changing my mind.

Although it is nice to be reminded

of how I used to ask my mom for a new bike.

♪ Make me feel so high... ♪

Maybe I will go see her sometime.

So you're the top dog now, deacon or something?

Yeah.

Kill the deacon, take his or her chair.

Kinda how it works.

Very impressive. Do you get a special hat?

Not that I know of.

You should have a special hat.

It'll make you stand out in the crowd.

Hey, you mind if I ask you something?

No.

Reginald stashed you at the tanning salon,

put you there for your own safety

because the UV rays would protect you.

Logan sent assassins after you like he sent them here.

Well, how close did they get to you?

Pretty close.

Claire, talk to me.

They turned off the power.

So no more tanning bed.

- They found me. - But how did you...

Okay, um...

How long have you been able to do that?

It's sort of been coming on for a while.

Now it's here.

Okay. Hey, you know what?

Maybe, uh, you and I should have a talk about that.

Yeah? - Okay.

Okay.

How old are you?

Does it matter?

Genuinely curious is all.

I was born on the day Mount Fuji erupted

and blew fire and smoke into the bluest of skies.

1707?

- How old are you? - I was born

on the day they broke ground

for the largest shopping mall in America.

It's in Minnesota, where I was born.

Can I ask you a series of probing questions?

Why aren't you afraid of me?

Why would I be afraid of a friend?

Ask me anything.

- Are werewolves real? - No.

- Can vampires fly? - I wish.

So you don't turn into a bat?

Why would anyone want to turn into a bat?

- Point taken. - Hmm.

Holy water... Turns out, can't hurt you.

I once drank the blood of a priest in Florence.

- Garlic? - Delicious if used correctly

in many of my favorite meals.

Are you sure werewolves aren't real?

Because I've got a feeling.

- Can I ask a question? - Sure.

Do you want to go for a long walk in the dark with me?

Oh, yes I do.

Go on, it's awesome.

I've never had a slushy before.

Oh. Well, there's a first time for everything.

Cheers.

Eh? Like I said, right?

It's... awful.

Ugh. - Oh. Um...

Crap. Well, let me get you another flavor.

No. No, no. I'm good, thanks.

Okay.

Mm.

So... you're a vampire.

You're not.

Yeah.

Well, I keep telling people I should be.

- "People"? - Yeah, Reginald, Maurice.

They don't listen to me.

I mean, again, to repeat: I'm in great shape.

I'm easy on the eyes.

I pretty much meet every existing vampire standard.

Reginald and Maurice might have something

to say about those standards.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, totally.

Of course.

And I support them in their efforts.

But, uh, you get my drift.

I get your drift.

Please make me a vampire like you.

I promise I will honor every day,

every moment of my eternal life.

Okay.

- Sorry, what'd you say? - I said, "Okay."

I just asked if you'd turn me into a vampire,

and you are cool with it?

Not tonight.

Not tomorrow.

Let's take it slow, see what happens.

Uh...

I'm... I'm really sorry.

I don't know what happened there.

Did you glamour me to do that?

No, no. That doesn't make sense.

Uh, just, uh, I think I got caught up in the moment.

There was like a connection, a vibe, you know?

You were like, "Oh, I'll make you vampire."

I'm like, "Oh, of course."

I don't know what I was thinking, man.

No worries, Todd.

You've got a lot to learn.

Who are you?

I'm Uriel, one of seven.

And we are your makers.

You're Angels.

You are emissaries of the golden divine.

I kneel before you.

I welcome you.

You're here to save us.

No.

We are here to eradicate a grievous mistake we made

and must now correct.

Mistake?

It's a start.

Look at them.

I got a rule about friends and family.

Pssh... I don't know.

It feels like you got both now.

It feels like it.

- We're gonna be busy. - Yeah.

What do you got in mind? - Change.

We can make a brand-new world for vampires.

- It won't be easy. - It never is.

Well, where do you want to start?

Um, vampires can no longer limit themselves

by shunning those who are different than them,

especially when it comes to shapes and sizes and colors

and points of view.

We can do that, right?

Reggie, I'm the deacon of the Americas, man, not the planet.

Then we'll lead the rest of them by example.

We have a chance to rebuild the vampire community

from the ground up...

Or crypt up, I guess.

Is that actually a thing?

Reggie, that's a tall order.

Look, the world we're trying to build...

It won't be built overnight.

Well, we got time.

Good night, man.

Where are you going? It's a party.

Yeah. No, I know.

I just got a lot to think about.

I think better when I walk.

Maurice?

Question.

Okay.

How many years, or decades, or centuries

does it take for one to forgive?

I don't know.

But it's come to mind lately.

Me and forgiveness.

So you're in charge now.

Yeah, looks like it.

You gonna break those mother...?

What we have here is already broken.

I'm gonna fix it.

Ah, justice.

Turns out I missed it.

What about you, Angela?

No. I just love the game.

You know I'm coming for you, right?

Sooner or later.

Yeah.

Yep.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

I prayed for a different life in this exact spot.

I prayed here, too.

Really?

What did you pray for?

I'll tell you about it someday... promise.

You know, in theory, this should be

the best day of my life.

You sound like it's not.

The best day of my life was the day we first met.

Oh, Reginald.

If there's anything I can do to get us back

to where we were, I'll do it.

Like, if there's some sequence of words

that act like a magic spell, I will do that, too.

I mean, it'll take me a while to write it up, but...

Nothing matters if I lost you.

Pretty much my baseline.

But I'm human, and you're not.

True. Ha.

You touched my heart, and then you broke it.

True.

I accept the first and forgive the second.

That's great news.

But...

There's always a "but," in my experience.

Go on.

I don't know what to do now or next.

There's a lot that I need to figure out.

And that's about you,

but it's about other stuff, too.

And for that, I'll just need time.

Say I have a chance, and I'll wait forever.

Because as you know, I...

I'm entirely capable of doing so.

We have a chance.

Welcome to the Slushy Shack. How may I help you?