Original subtitles

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"...

What's your story?

I let down and hurt

anyone who's ever meant anything to me.

You lied to me. You could have been brave.

Instead, you chose deception.

- Welcome to the Slushy Shack. - You're alive.

I was your friend, and you made me your meal plan.

You try being a vampire and see how that goes.

You did those things because you're an asshole.

I want you to make me human again.

Now, I'm the closest thing to a god as they come,

but that request you're asking is way above my pay grade.

I'm ready to go home, Maurice.

We're probably both could end up dead.

I'll think of something. It's what I do.

We're shorthanded again tomorrow.

Would you mind working a double?

I'm already doing a double.

Like, currently, during this very conversation,

I'm on my second consecutive shift.

Can you do another shift?

I've got plans.

Um, vampire hunting isn't plans.

It's not hunting. It's sleuthing.

Enjoy your slushy.

Make the new guy do it.

There is no new guy.

And trying to prove that monsters exist

isn't sleuthing. It's delusional.

There's really no new guy?

I could swear you did an interview this morning.

Yeah, I did two.

Should I hire the influencer who's available

for three hours every second Thursday,

or the 42-year-old who said,

and I quote, "Maybe I could supervise."

Ugh.

They called Galileo delusional, and he was right.

Did you know Galileo was his first name?

In case you didn't, now you do.

Ash, please.

I know that you've been working a ton lately,

but Reginald's gone and Todd...

Yeah, I guess sleuthing can wait.

How's my pinch?

Still not as good as the last guy's.

Do you ever miss him?

Sometimes a person comes

into your life and just shines, you know?

They're like the sun wrapping you up

in the glow of a summer day,

and all you want to do is stay there and feel the warmth.

But the sun doesn't shine for you, you know?

It doesn't care about you in particular.

And it sure as hell doesn't care if it burns,

so do I miss getting burned?

No.

Yeah, I miss him, too.

Hark, vampire citizens,

I have news of great import and joy.

What did I tell you about being a pompous asshole?

It is with absolute pleasure that I introduce

the new director of the Midwest region,

Evangeline Elwood.

What the hell? Eve?

Angela, darling, it's so good to see you.

I'm sure you have a million questions,

but rest assured, I am here to serve.

You've been served.

I'm being reassigned to the Yukon?

As my replacement.

The Council wanted to feed on your heart,

but I convinced them that you're far

too valuable an asset to eat.

- Your beneficence... - Cut the shit, both of you.

Eve, what the hell is this?

Angie, what did you think would happen

when you failed to punish the fat vampire

for missing his original Assessment?

Kill everyone he loves.

That's standard protocol.

I am aware of standard protocol.

Which makes your decision to ignore it

all the more damning.

Sure, it's sweet, you did so at the behest of Maurice Miller.

Personally, that man can beg me any old time.

How did you f...

Oh.

Vermin.

Darling, really?

Mercy?

We don't do mercy.

That's a fatal error best exhibited

by parents and priests.

But in your case, that was the last straw.

Goodbye, Midwest region.

Hello, Yukon.

No hard feelings, right?

None at all, Regional Director Elwood.

Call me Eve.

You have until the end of the week to move your shit

out of my house.

I know I said atonement was, like,

my jam now, but maybe we should wait

a little more time before...

Reggie, no time like right this minute.

Your Assessment is back on the books.

When you say "back on the books?"

Friday morning.

Three and a half days until our certain doom.

Nothing's certain.

Okay, ticking clock.

Whole new approach.

No more skipping rope,

more like prepping for the SATs.

No one dies for failing the SATs.

The thing about the SATs is there's a whole industry

around studying for them... Practice tests, study guides,

that sort of thing. - Look, we went over this.

All that information is privileged.

For my Assessment, sure,

but what about past Assessments?

I know they're all different, but maybe there's something

in there that can save our lives.

I'll see what I can dig up.

Now, you go do the right thing.

That'll be $11.85.

Perfect.

Hey! You're not dead!

Hey!

You're... you're not mad at me?

I was mad.

Then I thought you were dead.

Then I was scared.

And I can't believe you disappeared like that.

Everyone was super worried.

Everyone?

Hey.

Uh, I... I like what you did with your hair.

You're fired.

Wait, is... is Todd...

You don't know, do you?

Of course you don't.

You've been gone.

Todd tried to kill himself,

right here in the Slushy Shack.

He tried, as in he didn't succeed...

Which, I mean, obviously is still terrible,

but it would have been so much worse.

Todd's alive.

Todd's in the break room.

He comes in every day.

He just sits there, all alone.

But he won't come out here.

He can't because he's afraid.

Any idea why?

Give her time, big guy.

Hey, there... buddy.

Oh, shit.

It's you.

It's you!

Stay away! - Todd...

Stay away!

Oh, please, please, don't kill me.

I... I'm begging you, man.

For all that is holy, just...

Just don't take any more of my blood.

I tried to tell them what you are.

They thought I was...

All it got me was a 5150 psych hold,

which let me tell you,

is no one's idea of a good time.

- Did you tell Sarah? - No, I didn't tell Sarah.

The medical community already thinks I'm crazy.

I'd prefer to limit the damage to my reputation.

So how do you know I'm a vampire?

Dude, you drank my blood,

like, almost all of it.

And I didn't glamour you to forget.

Make me forget? Wh... why are you saying that

like that's just something you can do?

It's something I can do, like a perk.

Are there any other perks?

Okay, wh... when did this happen to you?

How could you even keep it a secret from...

Hang on.

Did you erase my memory before?

- No, no. - You erased my memory.

That makes so much sense.

You're here to do it again, aren't you?

You're gonna wipe my mind like a chalkboard.

No, no.

I'm not gonna erase anything, okay?

I... I don't do that anymore.

Besides, Maurice was actually the one

who erased most of your memories when he...

Whoa, whoa, hold up.

Maurice is a vampire too?

You deserve to know the whole truth.

That actually makes a lot of sense.

Oh, my God.

You're here to finish the job, huh?

Don't you have any other intake options, man?

I mean, I'm sure my blood tastes awesome, but, like...

Todd, I'm not here to finish anything.

I'm here to make amends.

Whoa. What are you doing?

Drink my blood.

It'll heal you.

This another perk?

Yeah.

How do I know this isn't another trick

to just get me close enough to rip my throat out again?

If I wanted to, it would already be done.

Fair point.

Creepy as hell, but I hear ya.

Okay.

I feel like this is a really weird dream.

Welcome to my world.

Whoo!

Oh!

Whoa! Reggie, that is crazy, dude.

I cannot believe that.

Dude, you're like a wonder drug.

I have never felt so alive.

How do I look? - All better now.

What? That is crazy.

Look, I'm sorry for everything I did.

I'm sorry I didn't appreciate what you did for me.

You were a friend when I needed one and I betrayed you.

I won't do that again.

So...

Welcome to the Slushy Shack.

How may I help you?

What the hell are you doing here?

We had a deal.

You spare Reginald's friends,

and I bring him back for his Assessment.

What's with the suitcase?

I'm familiar with our deal.

Wait, you found him?

Good for you, Maurice.

Now... off.

There's one more thing.

You're still here.

I need access to the archives.

Reginald wants to read through histories

of the past Assessments.

Those old books aren't going

to help him pass or survive.

Look, I told him it was a long shot,

but he wants to look anyway.

It's not a long shot.

It's impossible.

And if you were half as smart as you think you are,

you'd be halfway around the world by now.

Reginald is my progeny.

I'm gonna stand by him no matter what.

Believe it or not, you taught me that.

After what I did, you could have left me in Oakland...

Should have,

but you didn't.

All right, Maurice,

access to the archives.

But do not let Eve find out.

Eve?

What's with the suitcase

is I got relocated to the... ing Yukon.

And all because I let you talk me

into sparing everyone your boy loves.

What you did was a good thing,

the right thing.

Turns out mercy is a fatal error.

You ever wonder if you're playing for the wrong team?

Team?

There are no teams.

There are only enemies.

My entire existence, I have been surrounded

by people who wanted to take my power,

people who wanted me dead.

But you... you were different.

Until you wanted me dead just like everybody else.

Hello, Penelope.

Something I can do for you?

Thank goodness you're here.

I was worried he'd do something stupid.

I mean, of course, he's going to do something stupid,

but if you talk to him, maybe he won't wind up

getting himself, or even worse,

getting me killed.

What are you talking about?

Who are you talking about?

- Wick. - Maurice's friend.

- Mike. - Whatever.

Is that what I think it is?

Mind if I give you a little unsolicited advice?

Maybe you noticed, I'm down an arm.

I'm missing that limb because a certain lady found out

that I'm dealing in what you came here for.

I got off lucky.

Are you feeling lucky, Mike?

Lucky enough.

- Angel's Blood. - Oddly enough,

I originally acquired that for another client

with whom you are familiar.

Oddly enough, this blood is intended for the same target.

We're officially boned.

Nothing?

A resounding amount of nothing.

I've read the minutes of every past Assessment,

every single one of the vampire histories,

which, by the way, read a lot more

like erotica than history.

- Accurate too. - I've even read

all the vampire bylaws, thousands of them.

So while in theory, I'm ready to take the bar,

there isn't a single loophole that will help me pass it.

Reggie, did you talk to Sarah?

I... um, sort of.

We said hi, and then she fired me.

But what does that have to do with anything?

Stop.

Look, I don't care about your personal life,

but if you're telling me you read 14,000 pages...

14,297.

And came up empty,

then it's not because there's nothing.

It's because you're distracted.

What if she doesn't want to talk to me?

Again, don't care.

Go tie up your loose ends,

and then get your head back in the game

like our lives depend on it.

Closing time, huh?

You need any help? Something I could do?

So, um, I think I owe you an explanation.

No, Reginald, you really don't.

No, I think I do, and if you could just stop

and listen for 60 seconds, it's all I need.

Okay, wow, I didn't think you'd actually stop.

- You have 50 seconds. - Got it.

I guess I have to do this now.

Direct and to the point, no buildups.

Uh, no softening the blow.

40 seconds.

I'm a vampire.

I wasn't always like that, but...

A... a vampire, I mean.

I got turned the night we were supposed to go

on our first date,

which you don't remember, right.

That's something else I have to explain.

Vampires have this power called glamouring.

Basically, we have the power

to influence people in major ways.

The reason why you had all these memory gaps

is because someone... not me,

glamoured you into forgetting how you feel.

Someone glamoured me

into forgetting how I felt about you?

It's hard to believe, I know.

No, no, it's not.

No.

You know, actually, it makes a lot of sense,

if you think about it.

Let me think about that

for a minute.

Yeah, thinking. Still thinking.

Give... just a couple more seconds of thinking.

How stupid do you think that I am, huh?

Like, on a scale of one to ten, how stupid?

No, that's... that's not at all.

Are you sure?

Because you just told me that you were a vampire.

It's the truth, I swear.

The truth is that you lied to me.

And when you got caught, you left town.

So I guess that makes you a coward too, huh?

Yeah, a coward and an asshole.

And now you're back, which is really confusing for me

because it's all that I ever wanted,

for you to come back and open up and be honest.

And sure, it was always gonna be a big mess,

but at least I'd know the truth.

So I'm sorry, Reginald.

You don't get to tell me some insane story

and then swear that it's true.

I'm done with your lies.

I'm done with your truth.

I am just... done.

Sa...

As much as it flatters me,

are you sure you can risk

bringing me home like this?

It's not my home anymore.

There's a story behind that.

Now, you're gonna tell me

until you make me forget.

Not this time.

Listen to me.

Remember.

Remember everything I have ever told you.

Oh.

No.

Now you know.

Reginald never showed up for his Assessment.

And now he's back,

not that it matters.

The Council has transferred me to another time zone.

Why?

It doesn't matter now.

You're leaving town?

Will I ever see you again?

Maybe glamour me a sudden desire

to travel or a work trip?

I can leave the kids at home.

I'll go wherever you want.

No more glamouring for you.

This really is goodbye, isn't it?

Thank you for giving me back my memories.

All of your stories.

If it is any consolation,

I have no intention of going gently into that good night.

Think of it like me burning the place down on my way out.

But what if you get caught in the flames?

What...

Then I go out in a blaze of glory.

Oh, you... You really have changed.

The Angela I met all those years ago

wouldn't burn the place down.

She would make her enemies set themselves on fire.

I'm a vampire.

Listen to me.

Vampires have this power called glamouring.

Basically, we use it to influence people

in major ways.

Show me your fangs.

Hey, Sarah.

You said that you were a vampire.

Vampires have fangs, and I want to see them.

Look, about what I said...

maybe we should just forget about all of that, okay?

I'm a clueless asshole,

and you can consign me to the dustbin of your history.

Show me, Reginald.

Oh.

You were telling me the truth.

Can I put my teeth away now?

If you lied, this would be so much easier

for me to wrap my head around

because you'd be a lying shitbag,

but you're a truth-telling shitbag.

You're my truth-telling shitbag.

But I'm not saying that I want to get back together.

I'm not sure that I'm ever gonna be ready for that,

but so much has happened.

Look, can I just come in and...

As much as I want you to...

I don't think you should.

I'm a vampire and you're human,

so this is what's best.

Oh, hell no.

Hello, Reginald.

You're here to kill me, aren't you?

The Assessment's not until another 36 hours.

I'm pretty sure this is a violation of governing bylaw,

and believe me, I know every one.

Open them.

It's everything you need to know about your Assessment.

Everything I could find, anyway.

I figure you had a better chance of passing

if you knew the shape of the thing.

Holy motherload.

You're welcome.

Why? I mean, thank you,

but how do I know this isn't a trap?

You don't.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

Or alternatively, vampire monsters

who hate the ground I walk on.

I spoke to Angela yesterday.

She didn't say anything about this.

But maybe this is a good thing.

Oh, this is better than good.

This is the Holy Grail.

That's what bothers me. - Angela's got an angle.

- Yeah. - Ugh.

Yeah, Angela's always got an angle,

but here we are.

I... I'm confused.

Are we trusting Angela now?

No. No, no, no, hell no.

Okay, but as it stands,

this is the best shot we've got,

so why don't you just dig in, see what's what,

and I'll try and find out what Angie's up to.

Watch me work.

That's your plan,

dose Angela's wine?

Gotta say, there's poetry in it,

considering she pulled that shit on me in this very room.

If you care about saving Reginald's life,

you won't try to stop me.

Killing Angela won't stop the Assessment.

You came here to kill her.

I'm just finishing what you started.

Funny thing, turns out revenge has a shelf life.

When Angela takes a debt,

she makes sure it's never repaid.

The evil that she's done that I've been a party to,

I need to be free of that.

I get it. I really do.

But right now, I need Angela alive.

Trust me, okay?

Okay.

What do you want, Todd?

Did I ever tell you about my dad?

I'm not sure why you would.

He was a bull on steroids,

minus the steroids.

Which makes him a bull.

The man could bench 450 in his sleep,

run a marathon before breakfast.

This one time, we were camping,

and a bear wandered onto our campsite.

My dad punched it right in the face...

An actual bear.

Mm, I guess he was a bull on steroids.

Course, that bear killed him.

Damn.

Yeah, it was...

It was awful.

Worst thing I ever saw.

I don't want to get killed by a bear.

I want to live forever.

I want you to make me a vampire.

I knew it.

Reginald's a vampire, and that means vampires exist,

so that means I was right.

This explains so much.

It does?

When Reginald texted us saying

that he wanted to have a party at the Slushy,

I thought, that's weird.

- Right? - But now don't you see?

It's his vampire coming out party.

He didn't seem like he was in the party mood

when I went to go see him.

Was this before or after

you stomped all over his heart?

I didn't stomp.

I was very gentle.

You asked to see his fangs, he shows you his fangs.

And then you said, "Thanks for nothing.

Peace out forever, Nosferatu."

I'm paraphrasing.

But then he said, "It's better this way."

Why would it be better?

Because love is a fiction created

by greeting card companies to sell greeting cards.

He told me the truth. I got closure.

We're done.

Except, I can't shake the fact

that he's holding something back again.

Other than being a vampire, what's left to hold back?

Hard to argue with that.

Admit it, I would make a great vampire.

- It's not gonna happen, Todd. - Why not?

I am fit. I'm fine.

I'd make an awesome addition to the undead community.

I mean, my organizational skills alone could be...

You'll be stuck in place forever.

All right, ask Reggie.

And now you're shirtless.

Why in the hell wouldn't I want to be stuck like this?

Because you're an idiot.

Yeah, but I'm a happy idiot.

Isn't that what counts?

Come on.

If you made me a vampire,

then we could...

We could what?

This is the best version of me.

It is all downhill from here.

No matter what I do, I'm gonna get older.

And I'll look in that mirror one day,

and I'm gonna see a stranger looking back at me.

But not today.

Today, I'm perfect.

I'm sorry, Todd.

I can't help you.

It's open.

Sorry I'm late.

I got delayed.

You're stressed.

Angela... ed us, didn't she?

We got nothing?

Oh, it's not nothing.

It's everything.

A detailed year-by-year breakdown

of every Assessment test,

including benchmarks I needed to pass,

info on all the vampire guests.

Take Logan the Crepuscular,

Deacon of the Council of the Americas,

whose hobbies include decapitation, disemboweling...

And dancing.

Well, you should see him tango.

Next, we have the sun chamber.

What happens in the sun chamber?

I'm glad you asked.

As you can see by this detailed rendering,

someone is chained to a post,

and, oh, they're on fire.

So basically, that's where I'll die.

Oh, but not before Logan the Duplicitous adds in

a little light knife torture because why not

make a meal of my painful death?

Hey. Look, take a breath.

Focus on the test.

You said there were benchmarks.

Historically speaking,

these are just tests designed for me to fail.

Okay, then you need to think of a plan

not to pass, to survive.

I thought of several, but nothing that doesn't end

in one or both of us dying.

It's like a puzzle that's missing one huge piece.

And without it, I'm...

That's my reminder to go set up for my party.

I should probably call everyone and cancel.

Hey.

Look, Reggie, if tonight is your last night on Earth...

If...

then you should probably say goodbye to your friends.

Pizza and cookies?

These are a few of my favorite foods.

Nice.

You like pizza?

We've got a metric ton of it.

She'll be here.

- You don't know that. - Sure I do.

She said she had to stop off and get something

from home first.

Told you.

You came.

Hey, I love a party.

- What's in the bag? - Something

I've been saving for a special occasion.

I'm really gonna miss this.

Claire, we need to talk.

That's what my mom says when I'm in trouble.

You're not in trouble.

Not any more than usual, anyway.

Very funny.

It looks like I'm gonna be gone for a while, okay?

But I want you to know

that whatever happens, you won't be alone.

That's ominous. Why is that so ominous?

You'd think my middle name is ominous,

but my middle name is Cynthia.

- Nikki. - Sorry I'm late.

Nikki's gonna be here to protect you when you need her.

She's like a fairy godmother with a chainsaw.

Oh, look,

she's still here in all her former glory.

What is it, bottom feeders?

Is that tone really necessary?

We're here on official business.

Logan the Impermeable has requested your attendance

at tomorrow's Assessment.

He has?

As a lowly page.

What?

I am not some lackey to be given menial tasks.

That's your job.

Ah, but you are.

And here's the paperwork to prove it.

Reginald, what is this?

Uh, double pepperoni.

This party. Why are we all here?

Oh. Can't a guy just

see his favorite people in one place at the same time?

There's something that you're not telling me.

Tell me, Reginald.

Look, I don't want to lie to you,

so...

I haven't seen you in a while.

I took a vacation,

cracked a few skulls.

You know, me time.

But of course, when Reginald invited me,

I knew I had to come back,

but not for Reginald, for Claire.

And not just for Claire,

though more for Claire than for Reginald.

Though not just for Claire, either.

Is this a riddle?

A negative, my favorite.

Did you just smell my blood type?

You're a vampire.

That doesn't scare you?

Everything about you scares me.

Welcome to my world.

I think you're gonna love it here.

Could I get everyone's attention, please?

For the last few months, I have been a bad friend

and boyfriend

and employee,

surrogate big brother,

and last but not least, vampire.

I, uh, didn't think anyone would want to see me anymore.

But, uh, here you are.

That's why I'm just very, uh, thankful

that you all are my friends.

And whatever tomorrow brings,

I'm glad we have tonight.

Uh, I'm sorry, sir, we're closed for a private...

Holy shit, it's him.

What are you...

Do not make eye contact.

Uh, what is happening here?

It's him.

I... it's... it's Logan the Reanimator,

the... the Deacon of the Vampire Councils of America.

His reputation precedes him.

You must be Roger.

It's Reginald, actually.

If you say so.

I thought you'd be fatter.

Thanks.

Sarah, maybe you should join the others.

I kneel for no one.

- And why is that? - Whoa, whoa.

You're not here for her.

How delightful.

I was hoping for a demonstration.

What?

You glamour other vampires, don't you?

Care to have a go?

Don't look at him.

This is a conversation between you and me.

I don't glamour people anymore.

Luckily, I haven't been a person for a very long time.

Listen to me, you're gonna leave me and my friends alone.

As you command.

You're gonna go back to wherever you came from

and never come to Akron again.

As you command.

Is that all?

No, it... it's not.

You're gonna decide that I don't have to take

the Assessment and that henceforth,

I am considered a fully-fledged...

A fully-fledged what?

Please, I'm far too old for your parlor trick.

As for the Assessment,

it will go precisely as planned.

You will take the tests.

You will fail.

You and your sire will be executed.

And when it's all over,

I'll forget your name.

What the hell was that all about?

- What an asshole. - Yeah, he's...

What's that guy's deal?

That's Logan the, uh...

- Yeah. - Duplicitous...

- Poor Reginald. - Dipshit, Devious...

Well, no, the Deacon of all the vampires...

Hey.

Is Reginald okay?

You're gonna die.

That's what this party is about, isn't it?

Some sort of, like, living wake.

I mean, I just got used to you being a vampire.

I'm not sure that I'm ready for you to die.

Everything's okay, I promise you.

I got them right where I want them, right?

The last ace up my kind of shortish sleeve.

You're lying.

I'm not.

Don't tell me you're not, Reginald.

Despite everything,

I still know you.

I'm so scared.

In less than 24 hours,

no matter how hard I try or plan,

no matter how much I want to live

or... or how much I have to live for,

there's a distinct possibility that I'm gonna be gone,

absent from all of this.

I want to be brave, but I don't think I can be.

How can I help?

You can't.

The vampire world is run by a group of exclusive assholes.

Someone like me never had a chance.

So it's just like the real world then?

I can work with that. - You can't.

The game is rigged.

Then don't play their game.

Reg, you got to make me a vampire.

And I will not take no for an answer.

- No. - Oh, come on.

I'd be perfect at it.

I'll blend right in. I could be your secret weapon.

- For what? - You know, for whatever

Thunderdome Assessment shit that suit was talking about.

I'll dress up as a janitor.

No one will suspect me.

So when you're all like, "Oh, no, tests are so hard,"

that's when I'll surprise everyone.

It is I, Todd the Vampire, to the rescue.

And everyone will come at me, right?

But that's okay, because I got my janitor broom,

and I'll break it right across my quad.

Oh, look who's got a stake now.

And that's when I'll say,

"It's time to take out the trash."

'Cause I'm the janitor? - Oh, got it.

So then me and Mr. Pointy will go all, like, kah-dusto.

Whoo!

Yah! Hoo! Yeah, baby!

All the vampires will be dead, and Maurice will be safe.

Don't you mean Reginald?

Yeah, sure, Reginald too.

Todd the Vampire to the rescue.

Everybody needs a catchphrase.

You know, I think you're onto something, Todd.

Wait, what?

I'll grant your wish.

I'll turn you into a vampire.

- You will? - Yes.

Him?

Hey!

Hey. Where are you going?

I got a date with the final puzzle piece.

You found the missing piece?

Where? Hey, wh... what is it, Reggie?

Don't worry, I got this.