Original subtitles

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"...

I've never felt like this before.

He is everything in the world to me.

I'm looking for a particular herb.

It's called herb-of-the-cross.

The blood we take can heal them

if we give it back. - Listen to me.

Don't worry, Reginald.

It'll be over

before you know what hit you.

There's no way that Sarah...

My Sarah... is a vampire slayer.

Here. This'll calm you down.

Hey, Mr. Bluebird.

Ain't life just grand?

♪ My name is Nikki ♪

♪ His name is Reggie ♪

♪ His voice is like an angel's ♪

♪ Every word he says just melts me ♪

♪ Oh, where is he? ♪

♪ Have you seen him? ♪

♪ He left me at this hotel ♪

♪ While I was sleeping ♪

♪ But I'm gonna find him ♪

♪ Even if it takes all day ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in love ♪

♪ With Reginald the vampire ♪

♪ I've got new feelings ♪

♪ That he's inspired ♪

♪ And I'll give him all the love ♪

♪ That he requires ♪

Once I find him.

I'm going to make a wild guess.

Just a stab in the dark,

you're looking for Reginald.

About 5'5". Cute smile.

- Mm-hmm. - Bald.

♪ Yes, I am ♪

♪ Have you seen him? ♪

Yes.

No.

Don't care.

If I didn't have a busy morning planned

looking for the man I love,

you and I would be knee-deep

in your intestines by now.

Here you go.

- Thank you. - Have a good day.

Hi. Is Reginald here?

Why is everyone looking for Reginald?

If you were looking for someone,

wouldn't Reginald be your first choice?

Probably not.

I mean, maybe, but no, probably not.

Do you know what's weird? - Every single time.

I feel like I should be searching for someone,

but I don't know who it is or why I feel like that.

But no matter what I do,

I can't get the idea outta my head.

Golly, that's interesting.

And as much as I would love to stay

and dig deeper into your head...

I must continue my search for Reginald,

the bestest, kindest, roundest...

- Hi. I'm Claire. - Hi, Claire.

Do you know where Reginald is?

But I know him.

We're basically best friends.

Maybe you and me can talk for a while

and that'll help you find him?

Can I ask you a personal question?

Ask away, little human.

You're a vampire. Don't try to it.

- Statement, not a question. - Still...

What on Earth would make you think that?

You've got an umbrella to keep you safe

from the sun, there's blood on your neck,

and you know Reginald's deepest, darkest secret,

like you were two of the same kind.

You're not afraid of me.

- No. - You should be.

I don't scare easy.

Wait.

You want something from me.

How brave you are.

What do you want? Tell me everything.

I'm fascinated.

I feel nauseous and emotional.

I have this weird feeling all the time.

And I don't remember when it started,

but every day it gets worse, bigger.

And I'm not saying that's because, you know, puberty...

It isn't.

I can see that.

I can smell it too.

You can smell feelings?

Speaking of feelings,

at the moment,

mine are huge and uncontrollable,

volcano-sized.

And while I could sit here and talk for hours,

I must instead go share this bounty

of my undying affections with my new lover.

Wait.

I have a proposition for you.

It's a life or death situation.

Maybe we can get together, talk it over?

What do you say to that?

I'd say,

how's about tonight?

♪ Oh, where is he? ♪

♪ Have you seen him? ♪

♪ He left me at this hotel ♪

While I was sleeping.

♪ But I'm gonna find him ♪

♪ Even if it takes all day ♪

What are you doing here, Nikki?

Delivering gifts to my new lover.

Is he here?

Wait. You saved Reginald?

Saved?

I made sweet love to him

until he purred like a hundred kittens.

Or puppies, but puppies don't purr.

But if they did...

Look, Nikki, I don't know how to explain this to you

in a way you're gonna understand,

but please, just do me the favor of trying.

Okay, Mo-Mo. Spill.

Okay.

Reginald has a lot on his plate right now.

Like I told him, The Assessment's coming up,

and he needs to focus on his training,

because, as you know, if he fails that,

your "new lover" becomes your "permanently dead lover."

Not to mention the most important thing of all,

and I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, but...

look, Reggie has a girlfriend.

Yeah, it's his vampire life goal.

Girlfriend?

How human of him.

I'm sure we'll all get on famously.

Are you a couple sighs away from reaching the point yet?

Look, Nikki, hear me like your life is at stake, okay?

Stop messing with Reginald. He can't handle it.

Life. Stake.

If I knew you were this funny, I would've come sooner.

But all the same, it was really nice

to have this chat with you, Maurice.

Wait for it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was nice meeting you too, Nikki.

It was nice.

But Reginald is a big boy who can make his own decisions.

And if you ever try to take him away from me again,

it won't be such a pleasant chat next time.

Hey, Reginald's not a toy.

He can't make decisions for himself.

He's still too human.

Don't you remember how that felt?

Thirsty and horny.

Miss, are you okay?

I'm okay.

Uh, yeah. Thank you.

Thank you.

Reginald?

It's Reg, but I can't answer the phone, so beep...

Reginald Andres.

He's about 5'5".

Cute smile, bald.

We checked in last night.

I haven't seen anyone leave this morning

that fits that description,

but if he comes by,

I'll let him know you were looking for him.

Miss Kinney? - Hmm?

You're all set.

Oh.

Come on.

I feel like...

Pretty sure we agreed

that if I let you switch shifts with Ashley,

you'd be here early to open.

Yeah. We talked about that, right?

It wasn't a dream.

What wasn't a dream?

Everything.

It's so... up and surreal.

My memories, my actions.

I don't know what's happening to me.

I have to find Reginald.

Sarah.

What the hell?

I know it's been a while.

Oh, shit, I don't wanna start like that.

Every prayer starts like that

when you haven't prayed in a while.

Honestly,

this was the only thing I ever bought from you guys:

a guardian angel who watches over me.

That's just nice

and doesn't strain credulity in any weird, obvious way.

I know that you're not my therapist,

or my priest, or my friend.

I don't know what you are,

but I just need someone to listen.

So if you're listening,

my name is Sarah

and my life has recently been weird.

I'm in love

with a man who orbits around that weirdness,

or maybe the weirdness is on his axis,

but... please protect me and Reginald.

Make us both stronger than what we currently are

for each other and for ourselves.

Whoever you are...

thanks.

And, um, till next time, or decade,

or personal crisis,

amen.

Okay.

Hey, Sarah.

I'm... I'm looking for Reginald.

You and me both.

Come in.

It feels like a dream,

but the more the day goes by, the less it feels like that.

And this isn't even the first time

this has happened,

these missing pieces inside my head.

I don't understand what's happening to me.

And sometimes,

I don't know if I wanna kiss him or kill him.

How's that even possible?

That confusion you're feeling,

it will fade

until all you wanna do is kiss.

Okay? Trust me on that.

But until it does,

maybe just keep your distance.

I...

I would never...

hurt Reginald.

I care so much about him.

And that's something that grows and grows,

so why would I ever do anything to ruin that?

I don't understand.

Sarah,

if you let me,

I can make sure this never happens to you again.

Promise?

Reginald...

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Such a glorious day ♪ - Aah!

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

- ♪ Don't waste it all away ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Turn on the radio ♪

♪ Let's all enjoy this happy day ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

Good morning, sir. How can...

Sarah Kinney!

Has she checked out yet?

Sarah Kinney.

Yes.

She checked out this morning, Reginald.

Ah, you might want to put on pants

before you go outside.

Pants are customary inside too,

but not much I can do about...

- Excuse me. - Hey.

- Smock up, friendo. - Uh...

I'm not gonna thank you, Reginald,

but with the day I've been having...

I mean, the whole week actually...

It almost makes me want to.

What's with the umbrella?

Have you seen Sarah?

I wanna talk to the manager.

You just missed her. First she shows up late

for her switch shift with Ashley, acting all crazy,

and then she just walked out the door.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this some weird game between you two?

Because I do have the power to fire you both.

Todd, look. Thank you.

I sympathize. I totally understand.

Thanks, man, that actually means a lot

that you're listening... what?

Where are you going, Reg?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Come back, please.

Please, Reg! Reg! Reg! Reg!

Yeesh.

- You missed training. - Have you seen Sarah anywhere?

I'm trying to find her, and she's not at her apartment,

or the Slushy Shack, or where I left her.

What if she's hurt?

What if I'm going crazy?

What if you die at The Assessment?

I don't have time for that right now.

Reggie, get ahold of yourself.

The Assessment is literally

the only damn thing you have time for.

And it was going so well.

Nice dinner.

We got to the hotel room.

And then she went to the bathroom,

where she tried to kill me!

Start from the beginning. Slowly.

What happened last night?

Sarah and I had a date at the hotel restaurant.

We went up to the room together.

We were about to get in bed

when she went into the bathroom and came back with a stake

and tried to stab me through the heart with it.

She wasn't herself.

She was insane,

so I got out of there, locked her in a closet

so she wouldn't try to kill me.

But then, I came back to find her this morning,

and she was gone.

But this was right where she left it.

It's like someone glamoured her,

but who would glamour Sarah like that?

Angela.

Angela would glamour Sarah like that.

She saw an opportunity to make a move

when you were most vulnerable, and she made it.

Angela turned Sarah into her killer,

and you were the target.

How do you know that?

Wait a sec.

You talked to Sarah already, didn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, Sarah's looking for you,

but I wanted to hear your version of last night first.

Look, the thing with this sort of glamour is...

Well, there's a chance that Sarah might still have

a homicidal urge or two, okay?

And I strongly encourage you to wait a few days

just to make sure it's fully worn off.

I don't have time for that.

Reggie.

Reginald!

I've been looking for you everywhere.

♪ My name is Nikki ♪

♪ His name is Reggie ♪

I think we should go somewhere more private.

We've got a lot to talk about.

- Oh, okay. Yeah. - ♪ He says that he loves me ♪

Once I find him.

Hey, what the hell happened last night?

That's ancient history.

You know, ages ago. - It was last night.

Well, you know what, time is an elastic concept,

and I feel like the way we perceive time

is, uh, you know.

You know, it was like I was there

and not there at the same time.

And Reginald, I think I tried to hurt you last night,

but that can't be true, can it?

Hey, think we could table this conversation

a bit longer so I can experience

the greatest thing that's ever gonna happen to me.

- I feel like hopes are high.

- It's your first time. - Mm-hmm.

Follow my lead.

- Ah.

Ah.

What are you looking at?

Your neck.

Is that weird?

Oh, okay.

When you close your eyes... - Yeah.

Do you see pointy sticks?

No, I see a nice neck.

- And I wanna kiss it.

- Aw.

Mm.

There's a blank space

between the way you and me in the hotel room

and me waking up in the closet the next morning.

Well, we had dinner and drinks.

Then, we went up to the room,

where, you know, you sort of fell asleep

before we could do anything.

Maybe someone put something in my drink?

- Mm-mm-mm. - I can't remember.

Well, I woke up and you were gone, so...

In the closet.

I don't know how I got there,

but I'm pretty sure that I was attacked

by the same woman who sang with us at the karaoke bar.

But that's crazy, right?

- I mean...

I gotta find out what happened to me.

Hmm.

You're fast.

Double solitaire is my jam.

It's like you memorized every card in both decks.

I maybe just have a really great memory.

No shit.

Okay, I surrender

to your strangely superior gameplay.

Okay, I accept your surrender.

Oh, they're everywhere.

This is perfect.

Close enough.

No, I mean literal perfection.

It's, like, happiness times infinity.

And I don't even know what that equals, but I...

I like you too, Reginald.

That's a lot better than wanting to kill me, right?

So progress?

Mm.

What's with that weird umbrella?

Oh, this is a parasol actually.

I don't remember you having a parasol.

I suffer from solar urticaria.

Solar what-now?

Urticaria?

Um, basically, exposure to sunlight,

uh, I'm allergic to it.

I get hives.

Do they itch?

He is the most gentle of lovers,

and I've had more than my share.

Except I often kill them after.

But I made an exception this time

because there's something about him that moves me.

It moved me from the moment I heard him sing.

Reginald?

You're talking about Reginald Andres?

He is my new lover.

Wow.

Just... wow.

But enough about me.

Tell me about this life or death proposition

you wish to offer me, which is, of course,

my favorite kind.

I wanna be a vampire like you are.

Of course you do.

That's not a business proposition.

That's a fever dream of the first order.

Why are you dreaming this dream?

- Do I have to tell? - Yes.

Because it's the only way for me to fight evil.

But you understand, we don't fight evil.

We are evil.

In the most delightful way, however, biblical in origin.

Personally, current distinctions

between good and evil leave a lot to be desired.

I need to fight this fight.

And I would love to turn you...

And we could fight together...

But one does not turn without preparation.

One does not turn before one is ready.

You are the "one" in this formulation

if you didn't know.

I know.

So prepare, Claire.

That rhymes.

Prepare, and when you're of age,

I will most definitely grant your wish...

But only when you're ready for the everlasting life

and everything that comes with it...

I smell sulfur.

What lives beyond this door?

My mom. She's sleeping.

Wait!

Definitely sulfur.

How often does it come?

Most nights.

I don't know how to stop it.

And how's your mother afterwards?

Different, but she's still my mom.

I once heard rumor of a child vampire

who terrorized all of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

I promise not to terrorize anyone who doesn't deserve it.

I believe you.

Hello, lover!

I'm thrilled that you're here.

I'm giving back your parasol.

We need to talk.

Speak to me, roundish lover.

I can't be your lover.

I promise not to kill you, if that's a concern.

Which is sweet, but...

Look,

it's not you.

It's me.

"It's not you.

It's me"?

Basically sums it up, reversing the me/you polarity

of course.

That's sounds like something humans would say

when they're confused about their place in the universe

or trying to get out of a bad date.

But we're not humans,

you and I,

so how could that possibly be relevant?

Well, that was worth a shot.

I should go.

Wait.

You brought me tribute.

Surely there's something I can give you in return?

It's just an umbrella.

Parasol.

Right, but...

Quench your undying thirst before you go.

Drink from me.

Love is a mystery unlike any other,

but I think I understand my place in it now.

Yes, it was your voice and the song you sang,

but over time, I've come to recognize a difference.

Your intelligence impresses me.

Your sense of humor amuses me.

And there's something else I can't quite put my finger on.

- I'm plus-sized? - That's it!

I love your shape because there's so much of you.

The more you are,

the more there is for me to love.

This doesn't feel like love.

Blood is life.

It fills us with power.

In my recent experience,

love is like blood.

It fills me up.

Drink.

Drink until you're full.

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Party on the block, bro ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

Monogamy is for humans, not vampires.

Why should I limit myself when I've got the perfect setup?

She gives me blood, she gives me kisses.

Put 'em together...

The perfect woman.

Sucking and...,

that is the vampire life.

Are we gonna work out or what?

Sure, Reggie.

We'll work out because the damn Assessment

is right around the corner, and if you fail that,

you have all the time in the world

'cause you'll be dead,

and I'll be dead too.

Maybe I might surprise you.

Baby.

- Lemme get the door.

♪ La, la, la, la, ooh, la, la ♪

♪ Nothing in this world is for free ♪

♪ You always pay a price ♪

No! Missy, you have two guns! That's not fair.

There's no rules! Suck it!

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Skrrt... shit!

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪ all: ♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ ♪

We should go out.

I think I told you about my sunlight allergy, right?

Is that a new umbrella?

What happened to your parasol?

I lost it.

We could go to the park or our favorite bench.

We have night shifts, so...

We could, but I'm just so happy

being here with you.

Except for all the times you mysteriously dash off

and leave me.

I have a very strict workout regimen

that requires all my focus and dedication.

Whoa! Reginald, are you okay?

I'll be right back.

What's wrong?

Hello, Todd.

Every time I go for a run,

I end up running here,

but I don't know why I do that.

That feeling will fade.

Trust me.

I trust you more than any person I've ever met,

which is weird, right?

I mean, I don't even know your name.

Maurice.

Hi, Maurice.

Goodbye, Todd.

Uh, can I come in, please?

No.

Not today. Not in your current condition.

Next time I go for a run,

I'm gonna end up running right back here,

no matter what I try to do.

I know.

What?

Is this weird?

I bathe multiple times a day.

No, I mean us.

Us is perfect. Don't you think?

Well, I don't really know anything about you

except that Angela hired you to kill me, but you didn't.

What do you wanna know about me, roundish lover?

Something unbelievable.

I have 222 secrets.

Tell me one of them.

Once upon a time,

a fearsome vampire, Logan, decided he was made

for the bigger and bestest things,

but his great rival, Abraham,

held the utmost deacon of the Americas.

Abraham was a vampire of legend,

oldest of our kind,

one possessed of unimaginable powers.

Abraham could turn a vampire back to human,

like a God or an angel might do.

Logan hired me and my partner, Stanley,

to find Abraham and kill him deader than dirt.

Stanley was vicious.

And kind.

He had white patch in his hair, and nobody called him "Patchy,"

and that's sad.

We found Abraham in a place far from here

called Spokane, Washington.

Stanley went ahead, as was our custom.

He was truly the best killer-diller of all.

But Stanley was lost that day

and never found.

And I was trapped by phantoms, and ghosts,

and everything upside down,

so I ran away from that haunted place

as fast as my feet could run.

Phantoms and ghosts?

I was afraid.

I've never been afraid a single time since that day,

but I will never forget the feeling.

On the plus side,

Abraham was never heard from again,

and Logan took his council seat,

and maybe Stanley did not die for nothing.

The end.

I have 221 secrets.

What's the sitch with Reginald?

He's supposed to be here. I don't know what happened.

All right, there you go. Cheers.

Have you ever felt like something happened to you,

but it didn't happen at the same time,

but you have no idea why you feel like that?

All the time.

I would very much like to purchase a delicious slushy

for my new lover.

Does your new lover have a favorite flavor?

As a matter of fact, beverage servant,

nothing tickles his taste buds like a Pineapple Surprise.

Hey, Sarah!

You read my mind.

How did you do that?

Three is truly the happiest number.

In case you're wondering, I'm referring

to the three-way we're about to have...

You, me, and Reginald.

And if that's not the stairway to heaven,

I don't know what Page and Plant were thinking.

No. No, wait.

Sarah, wait!

Well, that's not what I had in mind at all.

Please, Sarah, wait.

I can explain.

Leave me alone.

But it's not what it looks like.

I... I mean, it's partially what it looks like,

but it's not as bad as it seems.

I knew something was wrong,

but God damn it, Reginald, I didn't even consider...

No, we can turn back time, okay?

I can make this go away.

What the hell are you talking about?

Pretend? I would never...

Listen to me!

Forget what you saw in the hotel room.

Forget Nikki. Forget me.

You never came here.

You left work, but you came back,

and you have no memory of where you were

until you see me again, and everything will be wonderful.

Sure, Reginald.

I can do that.

I'll forget what I saw in the hotel room.

I'll forget Nikki.

I'll go back to work, and I'll have no memory

of where I was until you see me again,

and everything will be wonderful.

But most of all...

I'll forget you.

Wait, Sarah. Wait.

Aah!

Where did you get that bracelet?

Maurice gave it to me.

Hey, Sarah.

What are you doing here?

I've got a very important appointment with Nikki.

She's a vampire too. Did you know that?

Dude, you look like someone beat your dog to death

with your cat.

Hey, Nikki.

Nikki, wait up. Where are you going?

When I make a mistake,

I don't fail to make the biggest one possible,

and I like that about myself.

It keeps things interesting,

but you lied to me, and you lied to her!

You are a bad toy.

You are not my dream lover.

You are not the song the angels sing.

Maurice Miller was right about you.

You're not one of us.

Not yet.

You're still full of human,

and I have zero tolerance policy for that.

I eat humans.

I do not let them eat me.

Also, I'm bored

and do not wanna play with you anymore.

Wait. You can't just go.

Not now. Please.

I'm sorry, little human.

I can't help you.

But maybe that's best for everyone.

What did you do?

You ruined everything.

- It doesn't matter. - Nikki was gonna help me.

She was gonna turn me into a vampire

so I can fight evil.

Claire, stop!

Look at me.

Is this the life you want?

How does eternity look to you now?

Because trust me,

it's not all it's worked up to be.

It's blood, and hunger,

and you have no... idea what it feels like.

And right now, the last thing I need

is a disappointed fangirl who didn't get fangs for Christmas.

Asshole.

I can't be out.

There's got to be blood somewhere.

Dude, where the hell have you been?

Are you drunk?

God.

No, no, no, no, wait.

Cheeseburger overdose.

Yeah, it's entirely possible for you.

You know what you are?

You're a disease.

You're making everybody sick around you.

Note to self:

take Reginald's Employee of the Month photo

and throw it in the trash.

Listen to me!

I'm gonna drink your blood,

and that fills you with joy and happiness.

Todd?

!...!...!

Hello? Help!

Something horrible happened at the Slushy Shack!

Hurry! I... I need your help!

You!

I could've handled this.

I would have.

You decided to teach me a lesson

for some... reason.

You opened your big mouth to Nikki

and you give Sarah that bracelet.

You turn me,

and then you wreck me.

Why?

Why would you do that to me?

Wasn't I good enough for you?

Wasn't I a good enough man for you to trust?

I lost Sarah.

I lost Claire.

I lost Nikki.

I killed Todd.

I'm a liar and an asshole

and a murderer,

but that's all on you.

♪ ♪

♪ You're pretty when you sleep ♪

♪ Like frozen memories ♪

♪ I hold inside my mind ♪

♪ When I can't sleep at night ♪

♪ I wanna say goodbye ♪

♪ But if I do, you'll cry ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Please don't cry ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I think ♪

♪ I'm gonna ♪

♪ Cry ♪

♪ I'm starting over ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Anything and everything ♪

♪ I'm thinking things ♪

♪ That I should not think ♪

♪ Oh, anything ♪

♪ ♪