Original subtitles

Previously, on "Reginald the Vampire"...

That woman is insane.

That woman is a stone-cold killer.

Surprise.

Here's your target, Reginald Andres.

He's a vampire?

Visualize, believe, achieve.

- Why are you helping me? - I want you to live.

- Hey, Reggie. - Hi, Maurice.

I needed some time to clear my head.

- I'm sorry too. - Is that what I think it is?

Don't touch anything.

What in the world are you doing with herb of the cross?

- Ooh! - Feeding on Todd stops now.

- What am I supposed to do? - You hunt.

- That's my jam. - I know.

Next up, we have Reginald and Sarah.

I turn my back for one second...

One second, and there he is in the shit again.

Huh? How does it keep happening?

And I'm the idiot who has to clean it up every goddamn time.

Look, I-I'm very sympathetic

when you clean up my mess and all,

but I'm a little lost here.

Reggie, do you have any idea the level

of cluster... You just found yourself in?

What, you mean the weird vampire lady?

No, no, I'm talking about the timeless power

of a Bonnie Tyler classic.

Of course I'm talking about the weird vampire lady.

That's Nikki, the vampire assassin...

The world's deadliest.

Okay, that woman,

she takes care of Angela's problems.

Reginald, that problem is you.

Wait, wait, wait.

Did you not see her singing?

She's a big softie.

No, that woman is chaos incarnate.

She is a hurricane with feet.

She'll enter your life

and obliterate everything and everyone in it.

Sarah.

Sarah!

I know it sucks right now,

but you're gonna get over whatever this is.

- Hey, we should go now. - Your voice

is the voice of an angel.

Wait, are you talking about Reginald?

Let's just leave the sad lady alone.

But I think she's talking about you.

Well, that makes no sense at all.

None, but...

Hey, it was really nice to meet you

and good luck with whatever future endeavors you may have,

- but we got to go. - But... okay.

- Yeah. We should go. - But should we...

The voice of an angel that made us.

Haemolacria.

It's a condition where you cry blood

like you do.

- You. - Yes.

Me, Ashley.

I was hoping I'd run into you again.

Obviously, this isn't what I pictured,

the running into... not...

Not that I pictured anything.

It just looked like you could maybe use a friend right now.

Is there any way you could stop this incessant pounding?

I-I think that's your heart and you want it to do that.

But I-I can't... I can't breathe.

I feel like it's trying to bust out of my chest.

Mm, mm, mm.

Textbook panic attack.

I've seen a lot of panic. This feels different.

Denial will only make it worse.

What you want to do is you want to put your head down

between your knees like so, and you just let it hang loose,

and, uh, take some deep breaths in through your nose...

And out through your mouth.

In and out.

In and out.

How does that fee...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's your hurry?

Let's enjoy the night while it lasts.

You know, I feel like the night would be

much better enjoyed inside where we can

lock doors and hopefully windows as well.

Well, I feel completely safe with you.

Really?

We emerged from a crazy food fight unscathed

and a karaoke super fan unmurdered.

I'm not sure what it is about our dates,

but crazy sure seems to follow us wherever we go.

Oh, no, that's so true, isn't it?

Oh, but they're unforgettable and ridiculous,

and I wouldn't change a thing.

There is one thing I would change.

I should've done that so much sooner.

Your timing feels perfect to me.

I promise you, our next date is gonna be so, so normal.

It'll be boring.

Oh, well, it would have to be boring

in order for us to course correct.

Maybe we file taxes.

We could sit at a bus stop and not get on the bus.

Ooh, how late is the DMV open?

Oh, clog dancing.

Oh, yeah, that sounds awful.

- Nice. - Yeah.

Maybe we could do, like,

some Russian language class or...

Oh, we could do our taxes.

- Ooh. - Yeah.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

My grandma is making some pie...

Can we rain check this please?

I need a palate cleanser after that.

You're welcome to join if you'd like.

I don't know who's more delusional,

the unhinged assassin

or the woman who thinks she can control her.

Ooh, hypocrisy is crisp tonight.

Yeah, I wonder what the Council will think

of your illegal maneuver,

which, from the looks of it, failed miserably.

And now, Nikki's loose in Akron.

Did Reginald really deserve that?

Hate to break it to you, Maurice,

but you're little pet project is the real threat.

When he fails The Assessment,

you die,

along with any human who knows his secret.

And I wonder if he told

that pretty little girlfriend of his.

No, she doesn't know anything.

You sure?

If I kill Reginald now,

you don't have to worry about any of that.

I'd kind of be doing you a favor.

Keep your claws off of Reginald.

Whoa!

You sing like an angel.

Do you know them? Do they speak to you?

Who?

The angels.

Yes, they're terrifying in their glory,

and yes, they shaped us like clay,

but I've never heard them until I heard the sound

of your voice.

I think you might be overestimating

my singing ability.

Well, if that's the case, I'm afraid I have to kill you.

- A job's a job and so forth. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait.

You said the angels? I know the angels.

I talk to them all the time. They're...

They're the ones who taught me to sing.

Two angels in particular,

Eric B and Rakim.

Good guys as angels go.

I knew it.

I came to the city made of rubber to kill you.

Well, that's a terrible idea.

I'm having second thoughts.

I'm also very much on board with that.

- Close your eyes. - Why?

Because I've never, ever, never

said something like this before and it embarrasses me,

which is another emotion I'm not familiar with.

What a night I'm having.

Okay.

I've never been in love before,

and love is scarier than me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Maurice, hey. - Oh, hey.

Hey, you live around here?

- I'm not too far. - Oh.

I was still wired so I thought

I'd get some fresh air.

That was, uh, quite the performance tonight.

I've never seen Reggie so happy.

- Really? - Yeah.

But that's no surprise,

Reginald is crazy about you.

He talks about you nonstop.

I probably shouldn't...

It just feels like I know you

because he's talked about you so much.

We kissed.

- You and Reginald? - Yeah.

- Reginald Andres? - Uh-huh.

That Reginald? What?

How was it?

How do you feel about tea?

- Thanks. - Welcome.

So you and Reginald have spent a lot of time together.

Mm, at the delightful microcosm

that is the Slushy Shack, yes.

He has single-handedly preserved my sanity.

Time just flies by when we're together.

We can talk about absolutely nothing

and absolutely everything at the same time.

That's great you have someone you can be an open book with.

Yeah.

But sometimes I feel like it's a bit one-sided.

How's that?

I suppose we all have walls up,

but Reginald has one giant wall.

It's like there's something in the way of him being

completely honest with me.

I don't know what.

I don't know, maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm just over thinking it.

Yeah, you got it bad.

Oh, I suppose I do.

Look, Reginald has a lot on his plate right now,

and I'm sure he'll tell you all about it

once he's on the other side.

Until then, we just gotta take it easy on him.

He's got it bad too, you know.

Take care of him.

You too.

Mm.

Good night, Sarah. Thank you for the tea.

Night.

"Upon receipt of the deposit,

there are no refunds and no cancellations."

No refunds. That is your policy.

So I can only assume that that wire transfer you sent me

was, I don't know, a gift?

It's a refund,

but since this job was off the books,

I'm sure you can give me a little wiggle room.

It's been a pleasure not doing business with you.

Nikki.

I am giving you the chance to finish the job

as contracted and salvage your reputation.

No can do. I'm on sabbatical.

What happened to you?

I know I hired crazy,

but I didn't know I hired bat shit crazy.

I-I don't know.

I'm... I'm still figuring it out.

Well, then do the job and then figure it out.

When my heart cracked open,

I heard it crack.

Hearts don't crack.

- Mine did. - Okay.

I know I'm gonna regret asking you this,

but why did your heart crack open?

Have you ever seen something so amazing

it makes your whole world go topsy-turvy?

Like, hey, here's an example.

The golden-voice wonder you were hired to kill.

No, no.

Mm. Please tell me you are not talking about...

R-Reginald.

I've never felt like this before.

He is everything in the world to me.

He is the night.

He is the first taste of blood.

He's a song.

Thanks, Angela.

I never would've met him if it wasn't for you.

So for that, I owe you...

Don't!

Just...

- go away. - Okay.

Oh, Reginald... Andres.

Been here, done this.

The Assessment is on the books, Reggie.

- Couple months out. - Awesome.

Plenty of time. I can't wait.

Look, it's all about centering yourself.

Clearing your mind and trusting your instincts.

You're a vampire now

and with that comes an innate primal intelligence.

Okay?

When faced with an obstacle, your body,

if you trust it, will know exactly what to do,

even if you've never done it before.

Visualize, believe, achieve.

Mike was very emphatic about that.

- Where is he? - Um,

Mike had to...

Mike's nesting somewhere else.

Nesting sounds nice. Sounds really fun actually.

Like having a bunch of friends over

who share similar interests.

- Blood. - Sure, that,

or in my recent experience with vampires,

they're very keen on karaoke.

No, stay away from Nikki. She's a killer.

Understood, but maybe there's more to her than that.

Everybody has a secret self just waiting to be revealed.

No, Nikki's secret self is soaked

in the blood of everyone she's killed.

Okay, and that's enough blood to source the Nile.

Okay, that's vivid and pretty convincing.

Yeah.

What about Sarah?

Sarah is my undead life goal.

Very first vampire girlfriend.

Yeah. You know, believe it or not,

I think I'm starting to see the value in the two of you.

You do? Me and Sarah?

Yeah, you and Sarah.

Okay.

I think I'm ready.

Fully centered.

Visualizing, believing, achieving.

This is my moment.

That's the spirit.

Go for it. Break that thing.

All right.

This hammer is my big-ass brain.

This broken piece of cinderblock is The Assessment.

Are there any questions?

There's something different about you.

Me?

You're, like, glowing.

No, I'm not.

Oh, my God, you and Reginald had sex.

No, we just kissed.

Jeez, what happens to you when you have sex?

What can I say? It was a pretty good kiss.

Hey, this is an interesting development.

What's next on the carnal to-do list?

Good question.

I guess only time will tell.

You're not actually waiting for Reginald

to make the next more, are you?

This is Reginald we're talking here.

Reginald has no game.

If you want to get with him, you better take the lead.

Never thought about that.

Take bonobos, for example.

Bono-what?

They're a super sex positive primate.

The females call all the shots.

They decide when, where, who.

One could argue that bonobos are actually

the most evolved primate on the planet.

So you want me to take dating advice from a monkey?

A very satisfied monkey.

Welcome to the Slushy Shack. How may I help you?

I'm here to kill my romantic rival.

Hey, can you watch the till? Thanks. Bye now.

Sure.

Isn't that sad karaoke lady?

I'm glad you're no longer crying blood.

The homicidal ideation isn't much of an improvement.

It's nothing personal. If I want something,

I simply eliminate obstacles standing in my way.

That is very goal-orientated,

but that doesn't really apply to romantic interests.

Well, I have to do something.

I can't stop thinking about him.

- Who him? - Reginald, of course.

- Reginald Andres? - Mm.

Your romantic rival is the nice lady serving slushies

to thirsty customers out front?

She is deader than dirt.

Your eyeballs wobble the tiniest fraction

when you think.

- They do? - Mm-hmm.

Nobody's ever noticed that before.

Falling in love is like...

Being in a jumbo pot of love soup.

Love and all its by-products,

fear, anxiety...

Obsession.

Giving a heart to your one, true love.

If you try to act on all those emotions,

including killing your romantic rival,

all at once,

you're gonna end up alone and in jail.

As if any jail could hold me.

Not the point.

All right.

I'm impressed by your superior knowledge

on the subject of romance.

What do I do now?

Uh, I'm thinking...

let him take the lead.

Reginald has game, so go slow.

One year, maybe five.

Time's a fungible concept anyways.

Time is usually not a problem for me,

but in this case, I don't think I can wait.

I'm thinking...

Today.

- Sure. - Mm-hmm.

That's one way to go, but is that really the best...

I'm gonna give Reginald my heart

just like you told me to.

Thanks for all your advice.

You're really good at this friend stuff.

I tried. I really did.

What an odd lady.

Hey, I've been thinking about what you said.

Isn't that just splendid.

I'm gonna be like the bonobos.

I'm gonna call the shots.

Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it.

Reginald's not gonna know what hit him.

He sure won't.

Whoa, whoa, not today.

Not today, not today, not today.

Relax, you rotund imbecile.

I'm here on business.

Wh-what kind of business?

Logan the Punctilious, deacon of the Vampire Council,

has asked me to reschedule your Assessment

to accommodate his busy schedule.

I brought a pen.

Okay, well...

He has to travel all the way from Buenos Aires.

I suppose I could use more time to train.

True, but we're moving The Assessment up,

not back.

How does a month sound, give or take?

A month?

That's not enough time for anything.

Well, I'm happy to take your complaints to the Council,

but you could lose more time as a result.

Oh, no, no, I'm fine with the rescheduling.

Hmm, can't be easy being you.

I mean, now that you mention it, I...

Wait, what?

On the plus size, you're unique.

Plus size. Funny.

On the minus, everyone wants you dead.

Into every life must come a little rain.

Wait, everybody?

That seems a bit exaggerated, don't you think?

Not everybody wants me dead.

I suppose Maurice has your back.

Exactly.

And I'm assuming that you have friends.

Pretty awesome friends, actually.

Also, a surprisingly dynamic love life too.

Love is all right.

It's not worth dying for, you understand, but...

there are times where living for it

isn't the worst possible idea.

You're talking about Maurice, aren't you?

He had your back too?

Yes, he did.

Well, this has...

Been awesome.

You and me, right? Finding common ground.

This is kind of crazy.

Just a couple of vampires

sitting around talking about love.

I want you deader than dirt.

Every relationship has its challenges.

Nice chat, Blob.

Enjoy the next four weeks to the fullest.

Like they were your last.

Will do.

Vampires are... weird.

Hey.

Oh. Mm.

- Hey. - Hey.

Oh, oh, oh.

Wait, wait.

In the interest of full disclosure,

- I have to tell you something. - Oh.

And brace yourself because,

again fully aware of what a shocker this is gonna be,

but the thing I wasn't telling you,

my big, bold, impossible secret is...

I'm...

I'm...

a virgin.

Oh.

I'm glad you came back.

Me too.

The only thing is, I can't figure out why.

I need to make amends.

That's the least attractive sentence you've ever uttered.

Well, what would you prefer?

All right.

Let's say amends is the righteous thing.

What exactly does that entail?

I made a mistake.

I put someone in danger who does not deserve it,

and I need to make sure he does not die.

Intriguing generalities.

- But... - I'm gonna stop Angela

before she kills the fat vampire.

Looks like someone could use a pick-me-up.

Pineapple surprise.

That's, uh, really sweet of you.

Thank you.

You know I'm just trying to bribe you

with your favorite slushy, right?

I know. I'm sorry.

I... I'm not trying to ignore you.

I just...

I feel like the world's biggest idiot.

Like, that is not how I wanted to tell you.

Like I said last night,

I think it's awesome that you're a virgin

and that you're waiting for the right person.

If I'm being honest,

I never really had a choice in the matter.

It just never happened for me.

I feel like virginity's just a outdated concept

to shame women anyway, but if I was

waiting for a person,

it would be you.

From the very first date, if that makes any sense.

Completely.

I think it's time for our third date.

You do? I mean, I agree.

It's... third time's a charm, right?

Yes, it will be.

- You and me. - Saturday night.

Mm. Stolen moments are the best kind.

We're you wearing this the entire time?

Stop and is this rigatoni?

The little rug rats are crafty.

I tried to compost it the other night,

but they caught me red-handed.

They're keeping tabs on me like secret agents.

I need to take a page from your book.

Move through the world like a glorious goddess

no one will... with.

Not as glorious as it sounds.

No? Why do you say that?

Well, for starters, that assassin that I hired,

yeah, she had a change of heart,

which means Reginald is still very much at large.

I'm sure that Yukon brat is cackling in her yurt.

Yukon brat?

Eve.

Eve of my doom is more like it.

She's, uh, watching my every move,

so I can't afford another slip up,

especially when I'm expecting a visit

from the esteemed head of council, Logan the Vivisector.

Nice nickname.

Oh, he earned it. Trust me.

I may not be able to relate

to the complexities of the vampire underworld,

but, um, I have my own little monsters to contend with,

and when plan A and plan B fall through,

there's usually a plan C.

It's hiding in plain sight and solves everything.

See? I knew I could count on you.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Now, hand me my Spanx,

'cause not all of us are eternally 20.

Oh, shut up.

You are just as beautiful as the first day we met.

You know, you don't have to hide your problems from me.

Having feelings for you and no sense of what hurts you,

hurts.

We talked about this.

There are parts of my life

that are best kept secret.

It's dangerous to know everything about me.

It sounds like the working definition of love.

This is the only way to keep you safe.

Listen to me.

Listen.

Hey, what are you doing up already?

Oh, I just had a hankering.

You always have a hankering.

For you, I do.

Oh, Reggie-boo.

Anything for my ray of sunshine.

Wait. Something's missing.

On today's menu we have an aromatic blend

of A and B positive with a dash of O.

Oh, honey, you shouldn't have.

It's perfect.

Uh... oh, oh, that's generous.

I'm good though. That's plenty.

- But aren't you hungry? - Not that hungry.

Oh, don't be afraid, Reggie-boo.

The only thing you have to fear is me itself.

Good to the last drop.

Good to the last drop.

Good to the last drop.

Good to the last drop.

What a weird-ass dream.

Don't be shy.

I love presents, and I brought one for you.

I've never met a vampire like you before.

Okay.

I'm intrigued if not terrified.

- Go on. - You're soft, gentle.

Made to cuddle, which doesn't

have the advantages you think it does.

You sing like an angel.

I'll take your word for it, although all the evidence

points towards the contrary.

Here.

This doesn't belong to anyone I know, right?

No, but there may be

a slight delay in your next mail delivery.

Nikki, you seem so cool.

Thank you.

Most times people say my name, it's all...

"Nikki, you promised to stop after the second fingernail.

Please, God, make it stop."

But I'm seeing someone right now.

Of course you are. How could anyone resist?

It's really serious.

After briefly considering bloodshed...

I've come to realize

I have no problem with that.

Three is a very underrated number.

And that's... That's so generous of you,

but it's just the two of us.

You and me, two?

No.

I'm sorry.

Please don't kill me.

Time will tell when it comes to you and me.

But Reginald, that thing inside you,

the difference?

It needs to be protected from others like me,

because they don't love you like I do.

- Hey, there. - Hi.

Welcome to the Slushy Shack. How may I help you?

That is a tough question.

There's just so many flavors.

How am I ever gonna choose?

It's wild to think of all the decisions

that led us to this moment.

Like, who knows?

I could be selling bagels and you could be selling,

I don't know, comic books or...

- Fitness equipment. - Shut up.

Yeah, I applied to that one place down the street

and they accepted me, but, you know,

the Slushy Shack had better staff discounts,

cuter uniforms, cuter employees.

- Oh, is that right? - Mm-hmm.

So this whole time, you've been my Heath cliff?

I may have been low key brooding.

Are you still reading "Wuthering Heights?"

I finished it actually.

Yeah, the book cover should read,

"When unbridled passion meets unrequited love,

shit gets ugly."

Right? It's a total bummer,

and at the end of the day, nothing mattered 'cause...

They were together.

So this place is nice.

Wonder what the rooms look like.

Guess we're gonna have to figure that out on our own.

- Think we should? - Absolutely, yes. 100%.

I'm, like, not even kidding right now.

I'm so...

I have to pee.

Hey, there's way too much soda in this.

Whoa... no.

- Hey, what are you doing here? - What does it look like?

I'm a mixologist serving alcohol to needy customers.

Is this really a job or is this entry-level stalking?

I thought everything between us was cool.

Is that blood on your shirt?

Nikki, you can't be here.

But my shift isn't over until midnight.

What?

- You okay? - Great.

Never better.

Dessert?

Tranquilizer?

You pick.

- Oh, my God. - What?

I might've left my phone in the bathroom.

- Oh, you want me to call it? - No, it's fine.

How about you decide on dessert?

And make sure that it's vegan and gluten-free.

But you had steak for dinner and some of my chicken.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm bringing you signature Nikki cocktails on the house.

Okay, great. Drinks received.

Go now. We don't need any more appies.

Hello? Earth to Reginald.

- Hey. - Hi.

Um, I'm s-I'm sorry, I just...

I can't believe all this is happening.

Me too. Is this sangria?

Yeah, sure.

Mm, it's good.

Has... a bit of a weird aftertaste.

Tastes like coppery.

Oh, that one's actually mine.

What'd you put in here? Truffle oil?

- Oh, Reginald. - Sorry.

I'm-I'm really sorry. I... I'm just so nervous.

Hey, you don't have to be nervous.

Not with me. Not with us.

Ohh... you're right, you're right.

Us is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

- Come on, let's go. - Okay, yeah.

For the ambience, for the mood,

and... for the senses.

Thank you for doing all this. This is so nice.

Is it too much? God, it's too much, isn't it?

I'm so glad that I skipped on that mariachi band.

Okay, it's just...

I know it's your first time, and it's our first time.

And I just... I want it to be special.

I can pretty much guarantee you

that this is gonna be the most special night of my life.

Why are you so sweet?

I'm so nervous.

This is really happening.

It's really happening.

I cannot tell you how many nights I've dreamt of this.

I visualized it. I believed it.

I achieved it.

Actualization pillow talk is the sexiest pillow talk.

- Right? - Yeah.

- Ready? - Yeah.

Don't move. I'll be right back.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hey, welcome to the Slushy Shack.

How may I help you?

That is a tough question.

Listen to me.

Listen... listen...

Okay, be cool. Just go with the flow.

You just have to unlock your...

Instinct.

You're gonna wanna close your eyes for this next part.

Okay, but remember, be careful.

I'm your gentle, delicate, little flower.

Don't worry, Reginald.

It'll be over before you know what hit you.

Whoa, whoa, hey!

Did you see that? I almost got staked.

Wait, Sarah. Is she okay?

She was the one trying to stake you, remember?

- I'd give her some space. - What? That's impossible.

- I know Sarah. - You sure about that?

'Cause her weapon of choice was very specific.

In my experience, only humans of a certain kind

know how to find us and kill us.

No, no, absolutely not.

There's no way that Sarah,

my Sarah, is a vampire slayer.

She bounced back fast.

I killed a slayer in Walla Walla.

She wasn't really a slayer.

Learned about it from a comic book.

I rammed her stake down her throat.

Ironic, right? Or is it just a coincidence?

Don't kill her. Don't hurt her, please.

Spoilsport.

This is all just a big misunderstanding.

"Oh, hey, Reginald. How did your date go?"

"Oh, it went great. Thanks.

"We had a lovely dinner at the restaurant

"and then we went to the hotel room

"where she tried to kill me.

"You know how it goes.

"Kissing one moment, then screaming the next.

"And then your vampire stalker comes and saves you

"and locks your girlfriend in a closet

"because as fate would have it,

I'm in love with Buffy the... Vampire Slayer!"

"Okay, it was great knowing you, Reginald.

Have fun dying."

Here. This will calm you down.