Original subtitles

Oh.

Toothy! Toothy. Chill out.

It's me, God. Shh.

God? In a cat's body? Wearing toddler pajamas?

Dude, if you wanted to have another costume orgy,

I'd have brought my Winnie the Pooh outfit, man.

Sorry for tricking you.

You know, normally I'd never abuse tooth code,

but I need a ride.

A ride? To where?

Heaven. I'm getting my job back.

Long story short, Heaven and Hell are merging.

The boards are picking a new CEO,

and I need to get up there to throw my hat in the ring.

Oh yeah. The merger. They're already redoing the offices.

They converted all the toilets to be open-air experiences.

What? You know about the merger too?

Why didn't Cheryl tell me?

This is why I didn't mention any assistants in the Bible. Useless.

Hey, maybe I should throw my hat in the ring to be CEO.

I got lots of good ideas. Like, you know how people have morning breath?

- What about afternoon breath, huh? - Uh-huh.

Or what if you could remove your tongue and rub it on stuff to taste it?

Let's see what else. I've got a...

♪...for some trouble Outside of town ♪

♪ Take a hoe for a soul Who had to go down ♪

♪ But a shovel cost ten And you only got five ♪

♪ Need a deal that's a steal Don't you give me no jive ♪

Hmm.

♪ Ain't no shame in whiskey for breakfast No shame in finding a fair price ♪

♪ Buy your wife that diamond necklace ♪

- ♪ Cubic zirconium will also suffice ♪ - Mmm.

♪ She won't notice believe me, boys ♪

Abbie? You here?

Hey, hon.

This corgi got into the employee locker room

and ate my favorite sports bra.

What's up?

Grabbed this for dinner. I figured Greta likes chicken,

and Travis likes things that have been graphically murdered, so...

Oh. I thought you and I could go out for dinner.

Maybe that pub near the comic book store you go to?

I can't. I have to work late.

Our janitor got poached by a rival store

and those vomit puddles aren't gonna mop themselves.

How about tomorrow night?

Dice rolling symposium at the Game Café.

Wouldn't you rather go have a fun, romantic adventure with your wife

than play Monopoly with strangers?

Okay. Well, A, I despise Monopoly.

A game where a hat can own a hotel? That's a bridge too far.

And B, I play games with strangers because you stopped going with me.

You stopped caring about everything I like.

Yeah, because I'm not a twelve-year-old.

You know those strangers you're talking about?

They don't mind that I get Spider-Man henna.

They actually like the person I am.

Ooh.

Yes, achievement unlocked.

Fifty grand worth of Beanie Baby NFTs.

Oh, hey, guys. What's going on?

Do we have a rumble today with another gang I didn't know about?

Aidan? What do you want?

Shut up, you two-faced r... r... rat boy.

Aidan told me that you're always making f... fun of my internet connection.

It's not my fault my area only has S... Spectrum.

Aidan, that was a private convo.

Guess you're too stupid to get it. We're kicking you off our team.

Even you, KingBallSack?

You turned our whole team against me?

I've been through enough family court to know custody is about who acts first.

Unless both parties refuse custody,

but then the stenographer will usually give you a ride home.

Face it, I won and you lost, jerk.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Kick his ass!

Fight!

Um, I don't really fight.

Uh, I make love, not war.

Ah, come on, seriously?

I swear it's just the fillings.

Hold it right there.

God! Um... Hi, we were just...

I know exactly what you were just.

You sent me to Earth to get me out of the way,

so you could negotiate a merger, didn't you? Didn't you?

Fine. You got us.

But look, that doesn't make the reason we sent you down any less true.

Exactly.

You have been phoning it in for years.

And look at what humans did when left to their own devices.

They spent a decade trying to line up candy on their phones.

You know what?

Ooh. You're right.

Huh?

I saw humans going astray, and I didn't care.

But something happened down on Earth.

At first, I was helping humans just to get back up to Heaven.

But after a while, I started to help them because I actually cared about them.

Like, all humans? Even the ones who take their shoes off on airplanes?

Crazy as it seems, yeah.

You have to care about these idiots if you're going to help them,

and I'm the only one who does.

So you should pick me as the new leader.

What? No! He's the reason we're in this mess!

- Just hire me and then we can... - I think we should consider him.

I propose we do what gods have been doing

for control of the universe for millions of years.

God Games!

- You can't be serious. - Those haven't been done in ages.

- Think of the ratings. - So barbaric.

Juggernaut guaranteed.

Could you, uh, give us a moment?

What the heck are you doing?

Beelzebub, no one in Hell respects you.

Remember that feces sprayed on the hood of your car in the parking lot?

A guy in accounting did that.

You told me one of the gargoyles had IBS!

And they don't respect you because this job was given to you.

If you don't face legitimate competition,

well, it'll just be more of the same.

It's settled.

You two will compete.

Don't forget the other tradition of the God Games, your mortal advisor.

Every god contestant must work alongside a mortal of their choice.

Okay, here we go. Classic two-party system.

Why don't you change it up for once?

Include an orthodontic enthusiast with fresh ideas?

Oh, for the love... Fine.

We'll allow a handful of other candidates too.

Let it be known across the universe!

God Games shall commence!

Commence!

Commence!

Commence!

Commence!

You have one hour to go back down to Earth,

choose your mortal advisor,

and then you'll be transported back for the games.

Ugh. Could that ride be any bumpier?

That's the first thing I'm fixing when I'm CEO.

That and the stench up there, like a rotting strawberry.

Yeah, a fairy died in an AC vent a few years back

and we can't find him.

Oh, awfully convenient that when you're about to lose your job,

you suddenly care about Earth.

You're the one who invented the plague

because you wanted to cut back on your hours.

Well, you're the one who tricked me into showing you how to do a job

you're wildly underqualified for.

You, madam, are the Kelly to my Regis.

It's on.

I'm gonna win this thing

and keep you from ruining my creation, no matter what.

And now, I just need to find the smartest and best human on Earth.

Maybe a brain surgeon or a nuclear physicist.

Or that Papa John's guy, you know who I mean.

He looks like Dracula got Botox, then drowned.

Hey, whatcha working on?

To combat human-driven climate change,

I'm breeding a squirrel that absorbs carbon.

Only tough part is getting a squirrel to mate with a tree.

- But I have a solution. - Gosh, you're so smart.

Plus, I love that outfit. Where did you get it?

Okay, listen. Heaven and Hell are merging.

They're going to pick a new CEO using an age-old God competition.

I'm going up against Godcat and some other candidates.

We each get to have a human advisor,

and I'd like you to be mine.

Why should I help you and not Godcat?

Okay, well, I have a bachelor's degree in trickery and deception.

From where?

Arizona State.

Pass.

What if I put you on the board?

You could rewrite the laws of physics

or create those carbon squirrels by making trees hornier. Huh? Huh?

Well, you are a good candidate, and Godcat hasn't been a very good leader,

and I did like the part where you bribed me.

Okay, I'm in.

What the hell was that?

Marvelous Bulkington?

I'm Agent Tatum. This is Agent Brown.

We're feds.

Feds? Like FBI agents?

Did we say FBI? No, we're from the Food and Drug Administration.

We're federal agents too, you know. The FBI doesn't own the word.

We have reason to believe the organic chicken meat you sell here

is actually pigeon meat.

What? That's absurd. I was just...

That's not all.

We also have reason to believe Big Bulk is involved

in all sorts of crimes.

Money laundering, counterfeit cheesing,

hard to hear loudspeakers,

unflattering lighting!

Are those last ones even crimes?

Ooh. Looks like we got a lawyer on our hands.

Well, counselor, I'll have you know those are drummed-up charges,

which are the worst kind.

But we'll consider dropping them if you're willing to... cooperate.

Me, cooperate?

Well, Mr. Bulkington, you're CEO, aren't you?

Then the buck stops with you.

Now, we have a warrant here to search the premises,

and, uh... Ugh! You didn't get it signed!

Oh. So now I'm in charge of the a cappella group

and getting warrants signed?

Well, this is a bit awkward,

but you wouldn't be willing to let us look around without a warrant,

would you? To like, uh, do us a solid?

Um... No?

We'll be back in the morning.

Oh, no. Here's another handwritten receipt from Big Bulk to Herb Bulkington.

This one is for ten thousand copies of an album called Rhythm in Bulk.

And you better sit down for this one. The store paid a million bucks for it.

Well, it's very listenable.

Oh man, this is bad. The feds are coming back in the morning.

If there's anything that incriminates Big Bulk,

we got to find it before...

Hi, hon. I brought ice cream.

Whoa. What happened in here?

Um, oh, nothing you should be compelled to acknowledge knowing about under oath.

I mean, this is just how Dad kept his office.

Isn't that right, Percy?

I have never been in this office, nor am I here now. Excuse me.

What was that about?

Oh, you know Percy. Lost his arm in a trash compactor.

Lost his mind huffing Glade plugins.

This isn't a great time, Abbie. You should go.

Marv, honey, I owe you an apology.

Accepted. Okay, I should get back...

When we got married,

I figured we'd be one of those fun, exciting couples,

like Mr. and Mrs. Smith or Bones and her boyfriend with the giant face.

And over time,

I got frustrated I wasn't accomplishing Mission Perfect Marriage.

And now I'm seeing how far we've drifted apart,

but I want us to drift back to each other because I love you.

Okay. Drive safe. Bye-bye, now.

Hmm.

I shouldn't have had Korean tacos for lunch.

Oh, would you come on already?

For the last time, I don't wanna be in some stupid competition!

There's an online petition to have my citizenship revoked.

Where would I go?

I don't speak Spanish at all, and I can barely speak Cuban.

Now you listen to me, young man.

You've got all the traits we need to win this thing. You're good at games.

You're free for the next couple of hours. You're currently near me. You can do this!

What do you say?

Up you get.

God Games! God Games! God Games! God Games! God Games!

God Games! God Games! God Games!

Rudolph, with your nose so bright,

won't you eat my fists tonight?

For your sake, I hope they have a good funeral home in Flavortown.

Welcome to God Games!

The ultimate test of the qualifications of a deity in mind and spirit.

Now let the games begin.

Whoa-ho! Good advising, Travis. Well done.

Strange, without any calculating, I just felt this urge to save you.

Huh!

God Games! God Games! God Games! God Games! God Games!

♪ And a man's gotta learn to take it... ♪

♪ Try to believe Though the going gets rough ♪

♪ That you gotta hang tough to make it... ♪

Not like this. Not again!

♪ Never doubt that you're the one And you can have your dreams... ♪

♪ You're the best around... ♪

Great British Bake-Off?

Humans love it.

Guess it's like a cozy blanket

when your planet is full of wildfires and monkeypox...

♪ You're the best around ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down... ♪

♪ Fight 'til the end... ♪

♪ On the strength That you have inside you ♪

♪ Ah, gotta be proud Standing out in the crowd ♪

♪ When the odds and the game defy you ♪

♪ Try your best to win them all And one day time will tell... ♪

♪ When you're the one That's standing there ♪

♪ You're the best... ♪

Yeah!

♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down ♪

♪ You're the best around... ♪

Flavortown!

Donkey sauce!

♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down... ♪

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

That's it, folks.

We're down to our last two competitors who'll compete in the finale

for all the marbles.

We are going to take a short intermission, so go refill your sixteen-dollar beers.

You won't wanna miss this.

Yeah!

♪ You're the best around ♪

♪ Nothing's gonna ever keep you down... ♪

Abbie?

Who's there?

Herb?

God, what a year it's been.

One minute you pass out with a DiGiorno in the oven and burn down Heaven,

and the next you're competing to be CEO again.

How have you made it this far in the competition?

First and foremost, my faith in me. I am good,

and I don't give myself anything more than I can handle in one day.

I'm also currently on steroids

to treat the worms I got from lick-washing my genitals.

That's great.

And Beelzebub, big year for Hell too.

You launched a new non-alcoholic vodka.

Your company, Spirit Airlines,

started packing children into overhead bins.

Then you're sent to Earth in a cat's body.

I have to ask, who dressed you tonight?

Are you serious? That's the question you're asking me?

Okay, I think we got it. Thanks.

Yeah!

Good job.

You too.

Look, whatever happens out there, if I win,

there'll always be a place for you in the company.

- Do you know anything about running HR? - Don't be an idiot.

You can't have me around if you're running things

and vice versa.

So this is...

Yes, this is it...

like it it.

Okay. Let's focus.

I've cross-referenced every competition in the God Games archives.

Typically, the final event involves a team challenge with your advisor.

Famously, Hercules was teamed with a pterodactyl

who chewed his legs off.

Now, I think we should...

Why do you keep vomiting?

I don't know. I've been feeling off for a while.

I keep throwing up, my nipples are sore and discolored.

I'm bloated. I missed my period. Must be a virus going around.

Um... Or you're pregnant?

Geez. How bad was that Incubus

at describing the birds and the bees to you?

Pregnant? That is insane.

I can't be pregnant. I haven't even...

Oh no.

♪ If I lay here... ♪

♪ If I just lay here... ♪

Oh God.