Original subtitles

Okay. This bill mandates that all locker rooms contain naked, talkative old men.

Oh. This one's an executive order requiring

dubstep always be played at full volume.

Oh, this renews our lease agreement with SeaWorld.

You see, Hell's become so overcrowded

we started outsourcing our extra souls there.

Put them into the bodies of marine life.

Enough! Why were you cavorting with the cherubs yesterday?

What? Why, I have no idea that...

Okay! Okay!

The truth is, since you've been away,

the boards of Heaven and Hell have been negotiating a, well, a merger.

A merger with Heaven?

I can see Hell merging with the Kardashians

or the Dallas Cowboys, but Heaven is our direct competition.

Heaven's numbers are down, so Hell is becoming totally overcrowded.

We have a short list of CEO candidates.

Father Time, Dracula,

and there's this Kraken we've had our eye on.

Listen to me. You tell the board that my name is also going on that list,

or I'll turn your pelvis into a pasta strainer. Understand?

Actually, there is a way for you to get on the board's good side.

We're having issues at SeaWorld.

Some of the more challenging souls are creating problems there.

So, if you were to go there

and convince them to quit destroying the place,

well, that'd give you a leg up on the competition.

I don't know, Slagnar.

Getting people to listen to me isn't really my strong suit,

but I guess I could... Whoa. Whoa!

Oops. Sorry.

The wifey must've slipped that in there as a little treat for the old man.

Om.

Om.

Your online troll nemesis finally broke your brain, huh?

Nope, I've just decided to spend less time online.

Here in real life,

my troll has no access to the fun happy upstairs fortress.

- That's what I call my brain now. - This just came for you.

Ugh!

"Horky Porker."

"You're dead meat."

"You can leave the internet, but you can't hide from me."

"boobwizard_420".

I've been doxxed!

Oh. That's it. Right there.

What's going on?

Abbie slipped a disc getting a python out of a soft serve machine,

and no, that's not slang for intercourse with Marv.

That's way better. Hmm.

- Thanks, Godcat. - My pleasure.

Let me know if you need help with your hair,

or the bags under your eyes. We're all thinking it, Frumple-stiltskin.

Abbie! Cats! Guess what?

Last year, Herb commissioned the world's bulkiest luxury blimp,

and tonight he's christening it with a soirée in the sky.

And since I'm the new GM, we get to go, Abbie.

It's Saturday. On Saturdays, you go to the Game Café all day,

and I curl up with an edible and watch Hereditary.

Well, normally I'd never ask you,

but all the execs are bringing their spouses.

I really need you there.

Tell you what, if I go to your work thing,

then you have to come to my Animal Control holiday party.

We lost our Santa guy to a bobcat, and you're about the same size.

Deal. Thanks, hon.

Hmm. The invite says black tie.

Ah, we better go air out my dress Crocs.

What's up with the notes?

Oh. I have to make an appearance for some Hell-folk here on Earth.

I'm having trouble with my speech.

It's kind of motivational, and that's not really my wheelhouse.

If you want, I can go with you.

I'm great at motivating people to do stuff.

Uh, it wouldn't really be appropriate for you to come.

Oh, come on, I'm in a helping mood. Here. What about this as an opener?

"Hey, who here is from out of town?" Damn, that's actually really good.

All right. Maybe it would be nice to have you there to help me.

Great. So where are we going?

Human souls trapped inside of dolphins, trapped inside of glass boxes.

That's horrific, even for Hell.

If you think that's evil, check out the food court.

The options are clam chowder or Sbarro Pizza.

Okay, let's see who's who.

So that pod of dolphins were once Mongolian warlords.

See the sea lions over there? Manson family.

And drumroll, please. Christopher Columbus!

My bosses asked me to come here

and scare them straight before they destroy the place.

Let's just get out of here.

These guys aren't gonna listen to me anyhow.

No. You came here to do a job.

You've got this. Come on, I'll help you.

- Marv, my boy, you made it. - Ooh!

This must be the wife. Abbie, right?

Oh, uh, Marv, come meet the bigwigs.

This is our CFO, CTO, oh, and this is Richard, our CHO.

That's Chief Hair Officer.

Every exec gets access to him. He's our private hair coach.

Call me when you're ready to let that tiger out of the cage, huh?

Marv's a total savant.

Once we had an expired shipment of Sriracha aioli due for inspection.

Marv took one for the team and drank every last bottle.

Saved our asses.

Ha. And demolished mine.

I had six colonoscopies after that.

Ha! Whoo!

Herb, any chance we could land this thing at the nearest Buffalo Wild Wings

and let me off?

Oh, I get it, Abbie.

You don't wanna sit here and listen to us windbags, do you?

You'd have more fun on the Lido Deck with the other wifeys.

Roxanne. Roxy.

Roxy, this is Abbie. I want you to take extra special care of her.

Sure thing, darling.

Come on, Abbie.

Hmph!

Hmm?

Sure, Roxy. I'm so excited to be spending my Saturday night

in a floating prison for wives.

Okay, let's catch this doxxer.

Hmm. Manual emoticon, outdated colloquialisms.

No one says "homie" anymore. Reads like a Boomer.

Let's check their IP address.

Argh!

Oh, careful. Aidan wipes his boogers behind the monitor

when he thinks I'm not looking.

Now can we just Goorgl it?

Ugh, fine. Kids nowadays wanna do everything the easy way.

Hi, I'm Dr. Ace Fabian,

breast augmentation specialist

and Horkville's most affordable plastic surgeon, three years running.

That's why they call me "the wizard."

More like "the boob wizard."

Welcome to the Spouse Zone. Originally, we were going to call it the Wife Hole,

but there's a club in Germany that owns that domain name.

We have CrossFit, ceramics.

There's even an area where you can practice yelling at your gardener.

Benji, if the rabbits eat the poppies, what's the sense in planting them?

A crossbow range?

Wow, this place is cooler than I expected.

Of course! What did you think we were gonna do?

Spend quality time with the people we married?

So what should we do?

Whatever you want. It's Abbie time!

Now, remember, big smile,

lots of eye contact,

friendly but terrifying.

Think Rachel Ray with a hint of Putin.

Mmm.

Uh, hello. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Beelzebub,

CEO of Hell.

But don't worry, I'm not here to bug you about your time cards.

I do have a request.

It seems we've had complaints

that you've been just a scooch out of line,

and as your supreme leader,

I must have to ask you all to please... behave?

- Okay. - Yeah. We'll do that.

You can't keep us trapped in here.

You can't just ask them to change their behavior,

you have to motivate them to do it.

Here, watch.

"Trapped."

That's an interesting choice of words... Um...

Larry. It's Larry.

Larry, I'm gonna level with you, Larry.

I'm a little trapped myself.

I may look like a cat, but I'm actually God trapped in this body.

It's true.

Heaven sent me here as punishment. Oh, if you could've seen me before...

Washboard abs, swollen pecs,

buns that refused to quit.

But now I'm basically a mitten with an anus.

So tell me, what did you do to end up here, Larry?

I robbed a bunch of banks.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

- And why'd you do that? - Because that's where they keep the money.

Ooh.

I guess the trouble started right after my dad died. But...

Sorry.

Ran with the wrong crowd. Started shopping at Hobby Lobby.

One thing led to another, and, uh, well, here we are.

And here we are.

But maybe we aren't trapped.

Maybe our situation is what we make of it.

Everyone, give it up for Larry.

Okay, fun happy upstairs fortress,

save these images for fun happy downstairs fortress.

Now remember, for the next week,

point your breasts away from open flames or loud noises.

Hello. My, what beautiful children... you could be at a reasonable price.

Dr. Fabian, we're conducting an investigation,

and we have a few questions for you.

Where were you this morning?

Oh. This morning. Well, let's see.

Calf implant, nipple-graft, deposition, deposition.

Then I was in surgery, elbow deep in some juicy honkers!

Ooh.

So tell me about your home life, Marv.

Do you spend much time with your loved ones?

Oh sure. I see the crew at the Gaming Café about five nights a week.

Gaming Caf... No, I mean your family.

Oh. Them!

Yeah, we're always walking past each other in the house,

asking each other if the dishwasher is clean or dirty.

Yeah, they're great.

I wish I'd had a family,

but my only children are "good value" and "fair price."

Hey, what do you say we check out the Hindenherb amenities?

- ♪ You don't have to cry anymore ♪ - Ooh!

♪ Your friends are all here The dog is too ♪

- ♪ Now we're all just waiting for you ♪ - Ooh!

♪ Hey there, blimpy boy ♪

- ♪ You don't have to cry anymore ♪ - Mm-hmm.

♪ Your friends are all here The dog is too ♪

♪ Now we're all just waiting for you ♪

Today has been so much fun, Herb.

"Herb." Ooh. Feels so cold and formal, doesn't it?

I've always thought of you like a son.

Why don't you try calling me...

Dad?

Wow, really?

My father never let me call him Dad.

I... I called him Mr. Higgins, and he called me Git!

But what the heck? Okay, Dad!

Okay, son. Oh, that feels good to say.

I've never had a son before. Mmm!

This is nuts, but what if I adopted you?

No. No. We shouldn't. What would everyone say?

You're right! To hell with them! Whoa! Are we doing this?

Okay, let's do it! Let's make it official, son.

Um...

On guard!

Parlay!

Wow! That was so fun!

Thanks. When Richard started working eighty hours a week,

I joined a fencing class.

The marriage may be dull, but my blade skills are sharper than ever.

If he works eighty hours a week, when do you see him?

Never. It's great!

Oh, I get it.

You and Marv are one of those couples who "do things" together.

No. Well, yes, when we first met,

but over time Marv got more into his board games,

and I got more into my blood sports, and I guess we've drifted apart a little.

But it's not like I never want to see him.

Oh. You say that now, but wait till you have your first affair.

Wait. My first affair?

Bit of advice, for your first affair, try a himbo.

They're like a Ken doll, but with all the parts.

I can't live my life like this, never knowing who the troll is.

Look. If we can't compare Fabian's IP address to the troll,

we can see if they're on the same network.

Travis, look! It isn't just the same network.

It's a perfect match.

What? That doesn't make any sense.

Ugh!

Okay, say it with me.

Today is the...

First day of the rest of my life.

And I'm not going to...

Eat any of the human employees or use their entrails like pool toys.

Entrails like pool toys!

Wow, you are... I... Thank you.

God, can we get a picture with you?

Sure. I'll do something really godly like... Have you ever seen a dolphin walk?

Luscious porpoise!

Wow! Amazing!

Yeah.

So... Um...

...who's up for some Sbarro Pizza?

Herbert Hamburglar Bulkington,

do you take this adult male as your lawfully adopted son?

To have and to hold, nothing creepy, till death do you part?

I...

I do.

Marvelous Higgins, do you take Herb to be your lawfully adopted father?

To have and to hold, again, strictly father-son stuff,

for however long?

I do too.

I now pronounce you father and son.

Mwah!

Oh, hey, hon. What are you doing up here?

I just kind of started to miss you and... What's with the getup?

You look like Tom Cruise when he takes his toupee off.

Good news. Herb and I made it official.

He adopted me.

He what?

Oh, don't worry. You have a full year to send us a gift.

Damn it! I knew they built the Auntie Anne's

too close to the fuel tanks!

Quick, everyone to the escape parachutes!

Never mind about me.

You two go now.

No, Daddy! I'm not leaving you behind!

Marv, we're crashing.

Unless you wanna be cremated inside a Bubba Gump Shrimp,

we have to leave. Now!

No! I can't leave without Papa!

- Well, this isn't a good look. - All right, new plan.

We leave immediately and never mention we were here.

No.

I'm getting them to go back.

Catious buildious bigger evilous me!

You will do as I command, or your souls will anguish.

Threaten us all you want. Nothing is worse than SeaWorld!

No? What about...

SeaWorld: Cincinnati!

Or perhaps SeaWorld: St. Louis. Shall I keep naming landlocked cities?

SeaWorld can get so much worse!

I would rather die than go back to that hot box of walrus farts.

Oops!

So long, suckers!

Oh, no!

Uh... You know, come to think of it, I kinda like walrus farts.

It's an acquired smell.

Hey! 'Sup?

Aidan, do you know a plastic surgeon by the name of Dr. Fabian?

Yes, Step-Dad Keith took me to the racetrack to be his designated driver,

and a horse bit my ear off.

Dr. Funbags reattached it. Why?

Aidan, the jig is up.

We discovered your secret boogery troll lair at Dr. Fabian's office.

Uh... Pfft!

Dude, get a load of your sister mansplaining me.

You don't believe that trash, do you?

Like I'm the only guy around here with boogers.

Aidan, tell me the truth.

Are you boobwizard_420?

Okay, fine.

Yes.

Wait, what?!

You are? But why?

You were being all, "I'm a big deal with my unboxing stuff" and whatever.

- It was a prank, Dude. Chill. - Chill?

You trolled me endlessly online while pretending to be my friend.

And you want me to chill? I never wanna see your stupid face again!

Greta, let's go. Now!

Oh.

You know, from his troubling Mountain Dew intake

and his history of bunk bed concussions,

Aidan almost certainly will die before you.

Thanks.

Oh!

No! No. No. No!

There! Look.

There he is. Father!

No!

He's gone! He's gone!

It should've been me.

I should've been the one to explode in the air into perm confetti.

And now, we've got to walk all the way to the car?

Could this day get any worse?

You know, I sometimes forget that beneath your little cat body,

you're actually a force to be reckoned with. You're amazing.

Aw, thanks. Same to you. You're like if Tony Robbins had a baby with Gandalf.

Oh, Beelzebub. Looks like I got your voicemail.

Excellent work today.

I spoke with Aslandeus and Craig on your behalf and they were thrilled.

Uh. Mike, I'm on the phone.

Aslandeus and Craig?

Why would someone put in a good word for you with my cherubs from my Heaven?

Okay. Uh... You'll find out soon enough.

Heaven and Hell are merging,

and well, I'm up for CEO of the new firm.

SeaWorld was their first joint venture

and they said if I helped out, it'd give me a leg up.

I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you but...

But then you decided to betray me instead,

by asking me to come here and help you

with the very project that would win you the job

and cost me my own.

How?

How could you?!

Boy...

Hey! I'm evil! Forgetting that was your first mistake.

I... am...

Evil.

He was a Titan of Industry,

and his legacy lives on through bargain hunters,

doomsday preppers, and we,

who roam the hallowed aisles of Big Bulk.

Lovely remarks, Mr. Higgins. We're Mr. Bulkington's attorneys.

Might we have a word in private?

Mr. Higgins, as Herb's legally adopted son and sole heir,

we're here to inform you that you are the new owner of Big Bulk

and its subsidiaries.

He's left it all to you, Marv.

♪ I'd like to buy the world a toke ♪

♪ And teach the world To sing in perfect harmony ♪

♪ And teach the world To snuff the fires and the liars ♪

♪ Hey, I know it's just a song But it's spice for the recipe ♪

♪ This is a love attack I know it went out, but it's back ♪

♪ It's just like any fad It retracts before impact ♪

♪ And just like fashion it's a passion For the with-it and hip ♪

♪ If you got the goods They'll come and buy it ♪

♪ Just to stay in the clique ♪

♪ So don't delay, act now Supplies are running out ♪

♪ Allow if you're still alive Six to eight years to arrive ♪

♪ And if you follow There may be a tomorrow ♪

♪ But if the offer's shunned ♪

♪ You might as well Be walking on the Sun... ♪