Original subtitles

He was a high-powered CEO in control of everything...

It's settled.

We give humans the physical ability to run a marathon,

but the punishment is they can never stop talking about it.

...except his own heart.

Hmm.

How long have you been waiting?

For you? All my life.

They were a match made in heaven

with just one small problem.

He was from Hell.

And sometimes when a woman

and a ghoulish, mega demon love each other very much,

they do a thing.

Dear lord, I know what sex is. And stop talking like a movie trailer.

Well, excuse me for world-building.

Ah. Whoa. I've always wanted a flaming sword.

I could stab stuff but with fire.

Uh-uh. Focus. This is important.

As you were born of a forbidden love between a human and a demon,

it was determined that you must stay with him in Hell.

My mom is a human on Earth?

She can answer all my burning questions. Come on, let's go find her.

Nope, put it back.

Sorry, Earth is like super big. Do you happen to have her address?

Why do cats keep coming out of my toilet?

So, Halcyon Springs.

Looks like some backwater place.

This even says there's no internet or cell towers.

That means there might be a portal to Hell there.

The closer you get to Hell, the worse the Wi-Fi.

Heaven's internet sucks too.

A Luck Dragon keeps getting confused and humping our cell towers.

I have to meet my mother.

If I'm half-human, that would explain so much,

like why I'm bad at my job,

or why I do idiotic human-y things like take pictures of fireworks?

Yo, 30 Seconds to Marvs,

wanna drive us to a nowhere, nothing-to-do town,

and wait for us in the car for a few hours?

I'd love to, but Mr. Bulkington is making me work overtime,

cleaning the display toilets.

You'd be surprised how many people mistake them for the real deal.

He's got you cleaning toilets?

No wonder Heaven hasn't sent me back. I need to get you promoted.

Me? Upper management?

Jet-setting around the store on my private forklift?

Putting up those little cones around vomit incidents?

Okay, let's do it.

Well, I guess I could take an Uber.

I get a discount since the founders are in Hell.

Is that a dog toy?

I ripped all my stress balls in half, figured I'd give this a go.

Greta isn't talking to me.

I think it's because I might've kinda maybe implied

that I regret quitting the SEALs to have kids.

Hmm.

Know what you need? A road trip.

And I know the perfect destination.

Halcyon Springs.

My long-lost mother is there, and it's only a six-hour drive away.

Win-win.

Six hours?

In that amount of time, I could conceive two new kids,

preferably ones who like me.

Yeah, who cares if you told your kids you hate them,

and they grow up to be junkies, murderers, or podcasters?

Who cares if you all wind up in Hell?

In two miles, you will arrive at your destination.

What a fun, family bonding session this trip has been, right, kids?

Right, kids?

Oh. You mean the trip Travis and I never assented to,

so technically it could be considered "kidnapping"?

Excuse me, young lady. I didn't even have a mom growing up.

You know who explained womanhood to me? An Incubus with an eel for a mustache.

You have arrived at your... at your dest... dest...

Oh no! Please, no!

You have arrived at your destination.

Well, we're here.

Hey, I can't get any reception.

Huh. That's weird. The car went dead.

I'm gonna go look for my mom. Bye.

This can't be happening. I've never been without internet before.

Must you continue to torture us, Mother?

You know, if you never wanted children in the first place,

you could've just sold us at birth to the circus or Nickelodeon.

I don't know about this.

The last guy who asked for a raise,

Herb tarred and feathered him using Vaseline and Cheetos.

Then let's warm up with a test run.

Marv, you wanted to see me?

Uh. Yes, I... I did want to see you b-because you're so handsome.

I... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You... You should demote me and pay me less.

Okay, new plan.

Wow, Marv. Now, that is a honey of a toupee.

Got nipples and everything. What's up?

Mr. Bulkington,

I believe I've earned a promotion and a raise.

Why in the world would I do that?

Herb, I could list off a bunch of reasons why,

but you don't have time to sit here and listen to

a marble-mouthed-human-thigh-pimple like me drone on all day, do you?

Now, Higgins, maybe you are upper management material.

Of course, first, you'll have to pass the Big Bulk manager emergency test.

It measures one's ability to handle disasters.

Floods, hurricanes, murder hornets, music festivals, zoo explosions...

We've got it in the bag. I invented those things.

Greta? Travis?

No touching the other kids here.

There's a real unvaccinated vibe.

Sorry.

Sitting in the dark helps my migraines. What can I do for you?

- My car's electrical system crashed. - Yeah, we see that a lot around here.

I know the part you need, but the only place to get it

is the junkyard on the other side of town,

near the portal to Hell that vampires come through.

This town has a portal to Hell that vampires come through?

Do you think maybe you'd wanna have a sign that says that when you enter town?

We had a sign made,

but our graphic designer hasn't used the internet since the '90s,

so it was mostly just wingdings.

Very confusing.

My kids are out there alone!

Okay, hold your horses.

You're gonna want a certified vampire hunter with you.

Lucky for you, I am one.

I'm also a notary.

I was a Navy SEAL.

Oh man, I'm so nervous to meet my mom.

Fair warning, she's probably gonna be some horrifying human slash monster.

Like a cross between Pennywise and Roseanne Barr.

At least your mother doesn't regret giving birth to you.

Actually, in Hell the males give birth.

You think the women scream when they're crowning? Yesh.

Well, this is the address.

Oh. You've got to be kidding me.

Hello, all.

Um... Oh, I see a few new faces here today.

I'm Shirley. Our pastor is running late,

so I thought I would squeeze in a few reminders.

That's her. That's my mom!

First off, I am hosting a charity bake sale tomorrow morning.

After that, my entire afternoon is wide open.

So if anyone needs help moving apartments

or just wants to ramble on about a dream they had,

I am here for you.

Sorry I'm late, all.

Got held up at the gym.

You know my motto,

"Never skip church, and never skip leg day." Ha!

Before I begin today's sermon,

I'd like to remind you all to be on the lookout.

This sinful man has been mooning people all over town.

Shirley, please pass these butt pics out to the congregation.

Psst.

Shirley! Hey, I'm... Um...

your daughter, but as a cat.

That settles it.

I'm finally gonna install a carbon monoxide detector.

No, I'm just stuck in this body. I am the spawn of Satan. Here, look.

Long story short, you guys did it, and, nine blood moons later,

he birthed me out of his left butt cheek, and the afterbirth crawled to Texas.

Wow. Both your backstory and Ted Cruz's.

Fascinating.

I'm a mom of the Antichrist,

but still, I'm a mom.

Come on, just one bar, please.

- Are you okay? - No.

I've never been anywhere without internet before.

How do you people even know what time it is?

We like it that way.

This town is a safe haven

for those who have had their lives ruined by the internet.

I'm Millie.

Okay, these are easy. Blizzard is space heaters and shovels.

Zombie apocalypse is crowbars and imitation brain meat.

No, wrong.

All wrong.

The correct answer was toilet paper.

In any crisis,

everyone rushes the store and buys up all of our TP.

You failed, Higgins.

Now, run up to my office and get my firing whip.

The town of Horkville has run out of oat milk.

Repeat, no oat milk in Horkville.

I'm... I'm getting word now that there's an entire display at Big Bulk,

but supplies are limited, and...

Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Oh, okay. Yes.

Lawlessness reigns.

So that's basically my life.

Single, no kids, CEO of Hell.

I continue to get my meal delivery kits,

even though half of them go straight into the trash.

So what's your deal?

Are you actually super evil and faking the "sweet old lady" thing?

Oh, heavens no!

I'm decent all the way through.

I have a lifetime of questions for you. So you volunteer here?

I actually used to lead the congregation,

but after Pastor James showed up, he forced me out.

Excuse me?

He forced my mother out of doing the thing she loved!

Well, we'll see about that.

Hey, Walt, we need a fuse for a...

Shh. The vampires are sleeping.

Wait, is... is that... a pug?

And a vampire.

- A vampug. - Why didn't you say that earlier?

For the same reason I don't mention Slenderman is a Gemini.

What difference does it make?

Bad dog.

So what brought you to this godforsaken skid mark of a town? Huh?

I thought a road trip with my kids would bring us together.

Yeah. My ex and I talked about doing the whole kids thing,

but he was like, "When you're a mom, you can't stay out all night

beheading vampires."

Uh, "Okay, Ian."

"Newsflash, that's when vampires are out."

Truth is, that mom life seems so boring.

Well, I wouldn't exactly say I'm bored.

Between Greta accidentally setting the house on fire with experiments

and Travis intentionally setting the house on fire for views,

things aren't dull.

Actually, when you think about it,

being a mom is kind of the ultimate high-risk, high-reward adventure.

Seems like this town also attracts conversation vampires.

The fuse! Okay, now let's go before they...

When I was little, I threw up on a roller coaster,

and the guy behind me was Fabio.

And from then on, I was the girl who puked on Fabio.

Wait, you're girl-who-puked-on-Fabio?

Yeah. They rushed him to the hair and face hospital,

but it was too late.

Being puked on made him three percent less handsome,

which was enough to bring his entire empire crashing down.

That's when people started recognizing me in public,

asking me to barf on them for selfies.

- I'm the Horky Porky kid. - I know.

Remember, you are God's children, and he loves you,

unless you live in a blue state,

then you're more like a whiny nephew

that he pretends to like during the holidays.

I'm just kidding. God is dead.

Go commit every sin imaginable.

Park in handicapped spaces.

Microwave cauliflower at work.

Pee in a rented wetsuit.

Did you just possess him?

Yeah. We're gonna get your old job back.

Ha! That's my girl.

Go forth. Eat bacon.

Use plastic straws.

Wear a fedora unironically.

Pastor James would never say that.

He must be possessed.

Come on, y'all. Let's exorcise him.

The power of God compels you. The power of God compels you.

The power of God compels you.

Hey! You ever get like an electric tingling in your butthole,

like a call for help from deep within?

Nope.

Holy water! It burns!

My brothers and sisters, you just witnessed a failed possession.

The devil chose to attack me because of my divine connection to God.

Praise God!

Praise me!

Praise James.

- Praise him forever! - Praise him!

There. Good luck getting through that.

Huh. Guess I shouldn't have wished them luck.

Hey! The oat milk's gone.

Let's demolish this place!

I need my oat milk!

Hey, oat chuggers!

Leave him alone.

Oh well. Guess it's time to die.

Come on, man.

You're Marvelous freaking Higgins, for Christ's sake. Take charge!

People of Big Bulk.

You are heard. You are understood.

You want oat milk.

We have none,

but we stocked an alternative.

It's called milk.

The color must be a subtle homage to oat milk.

Oh, so they blend the cows to make the milk.

Shouldn't it technically be called "milk milk"?

Wait. Milk doesn't have lactose in it, does it?

We have toilet paper. The answer truly is toilet paper.

I'm so sorry. I just made things worse for you.

I don't belong up here. I don't belong in Hell.

- I don't belong anywhere. - Oh hush. You know who you sound like?

Your father.

What? Yeah, right. Dad was the greatest Satan of all time.

That's who he became.

When he first got hired, he failed constantly.

I couldn't even get a measly possession right.

Don't worry about it.

Pastor James, and pardon my language,

is an ass.

He can have the congregation.

Wait, what did you just say?

Shirley, I said I wanted "We Built This City" in D minor.

Get it together, dummy.

E... Everyone, everyone, I have an announcement.

Pastor James is...

the serial mooner.

The cheeks! They are an exact match!

You literally just hit me where the good Lord split me.

Praise Shirley!

Shirley forever!

Impressive. How did you know it was James?

Well, first off, streakers love to be seen.

They're exhibitionists.

Never skip leg day. Ha!

Then, I thought about what you said.

Pastor James, and pardon my language,

is an ass.

Wow, no purebred demon would've ever put that together.

Being half-human makes you so much better at figuring us out.

This is why you are destined to be the greatest devil,

or Devilcat,

the universe has ever known.

Hey. Maybe you could come down and live with me.

I could blow up the air mattress.

Actually, all beds in Hell are air mattresses, so...

Oh.

That's very kind of you, but I belong up here.

And thanks to you, I've got a congregation to run.

Huh. Rejected by your own mother. I can relate.

Look, Greta, I know you're still bent out of shape about what your mom said.

But you have to understand. She's just a dumb, confused human.

And that human part is what makes her so wonderful.

You know, Marv, I was wrong about you.

You're not a feckless, uncharismatic, hunched, gutless, bald human bagpipe

incapable of managing a Big Bulk.

You are capable of managing a Big Bulk.

I'd like to promote you to general manager.

I won't let you down, sir.

Marv, well done, man.

I'm proud of you.

Hey, that sounded sincere when I said it. I think I meant it.

Oh, Godcat, that's so sweet.

You know, we make a good team.

Hey! You should join my Dungeons & Dragons league.

Whoa. Slow down. I said I was happy for you.

I didn't say I wanted to turn my beard beard into a neck beard.

They're closing in. What do we do?

Grab my waist. I have an idea.

- Uh... Mom? - Greta? What are you doing here?

There was a note at the auto shop. I couldn't read your handwriting.

I thought it said, "Headed to junkyard. Off to butt ham fires."

- No. "Off to hunt vampires." - Aw, look at these little doggos.

Ow!

No!

There must be some way to reverse it. Think.

Well, legend has it, as long as the alpha roams the earth,

its victims will forever be vampugs.

But no one has ever seen the alpha.

What about the house-sized one with the collar that says "Alpha"?

Huh. Well, fresh eyes, I guess.

Hyah!

- Bad dog. Heel. No treats. Bad. - Hyah!

Huh?

Behind you.

I've got an idea.

Greta! Thank God you're back to normal.

My nose was pressing on my brain.

Pugs are not okay.

Hmm.

Greta, honey, I'm sorry for dragging you on this trip.

I was trying to make up for... Well, you know.

Mom, I know you didn't mean that you regret having me and Travis.

You just have complex feelings about trading your career for a family.

I was too hard on you.

It's on the house, and I've got something for you.

Wow.

I forgot how good it feels to get a commendation.

It's like burpees for my self-esteem.

You know, I could use a partner.

Ever think of going pro?

Do it, Mom. It'll make you happy.

Greta, I'm already happy.

Besides, being your mom spikes my adrenaline way more

than monster hunting ever could.

Oh, sorry, I meant the car stuff was on the house.

Notarization of the Vampire Hunter certificate is actually 80 bucks.

Keep the change.

Yeah, it's hard to describe.

It's art, sure,

but it's also a commentary on our society.

It's beautiful and tragic, all at once.

Wow, I hope one day you could show me this butt clap compilation.

Come on, Trav. We're leaving. Now.

Oh. Looks like I gotta go, but can I get your number?

Oh, right. Um... Can I get your email?

Oh, right.

You could write me a romantic letter, and then I could write you one back,

and we'll sit by the mailbox and wait for the postman to arrive each day,

hoping against hope.

- Yeah, I'm not doing that. - I get it. It's a lot.

Mwah!

Best trip ever!

Abbie, pull over!

Oh!

Huh?

♪ Leaves that unfold ♪

♪ In the age to come ♪

♪ As they burst to life ♪

♪ Each great and small ♪

♪ For the age to come ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah ♪

♪ Mark your compass ♪

♪ Larks to follow you home ♪