Original subtitles

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Keep going!

I am the harbinger of the spicy rooster apocalypse.

I am a hydrogen bomb with a beard.

I hold the flames of a thousand collapsed stars.

I am...

Godracha!

Hello there, unwitting mortal.

Enter the portal, and undo your greatest regret,

such as losing the love of your life or getting hair plugs in Tijuana.

I call it the Regret Portal.

It reaches into your subconscious, finds your biggest regret,

and tempts you to go back in time to change it in exchange for your soul.

I'd probably go back

and get my Dave Matthews Band tattoo removed.

Okay. If you can sell it to the board, I suppose I'm in.

You can mention it to him tonight at the wedding.

Good chance to warm 'em up to the idea informally.

- Wedding? What wedding? - Didn't you get the omen?

It's your cousin Sheila's wedding, and we feel that it might look awkward

if you didn't attend.

Ugh! Do I have to? Sheila was part of that cool clique in high school.

They'd call me "Beelzebubulbous" every time I ate a soul.

Well, you weren't the CEO of Hell then, were you? Demand respect.

You know what? You're right.

I should demand their respect.

Good. Oh, and bring a plus one.

There are rumors floating around about why you aren't married yet.

What kind of rumors?

That you're ugly. I mean, I guess they're not really rumors, huh?

More like observations based on your face.

Anyway, I'd bring a date.

Where am I gonna find a plus one?

Mmm. Uh...

Mmm. Mmm.

Ugh!

For the millionth time, not a chance.

No way. No.

Come on! Weddings in Hell are amazing.

Plus, tonight's a big deal for me. I'm gonna pitch the board my new idea.

It's called the Regret Portal.

It allows humans to go back in time and fix their one biggest regret.

I'd go back in time, and stop you from giving it such a stupid name.

- Up top. - Right?

Hey, I'll change you back into God form for the night,

in a disguise, so no one will know it's you.

For the last time I...

In disguise? Hah. All right, I'll go.

Yes! Thank you!

Okay, I'll order us a hellhole. See you in a few.

Ooh. Someone's got a date with the devil.

It's not a date.

It's an opportunity to snoop around Hell in disguise.

Heaven's board would love it if I uncovered the root of all evil.

I'm betting it's either greed, lust, or VeggieTales.

Cheryl, it's me.

Get Aslandeus and Craig on...

Denise? Where's Cheryl?

A sick day?

Well, how could she be sick? She's a fairy.

I don't even think they have organs.

♪...foot in You take your right foot out ♪

♪ You do the Horky Porky And you turn... ♪

♪ You put your right foot in You take your right foot out ♪

♪ You do the Horky Porky And you turn yourself... ♪

The "Horky Porky"?

Wanna go back and change it, huh?

- That's right. Fix that regret. - Hmm.

- Travis? What is that thing? - It's a Regret Portal.

Don't trip. It's just a prototype. It won't actually take my soul.

I'm going back in time to undo my biggest regret,

singing that Horky Porky song.

You can't do that. You could screw up the space-time continuum.

Yes. Yeah, I agree.

Better to just leave it in the past, buddy.

I did one stupid thing when I was little, and because some jerk live-streamed it,

I get bullied non-stop.

If I don't make it back, cover my grave in Reese's cups and hentai.

I wish to die as I lived.

Well I have always wanted to do father-son time travel with you.

Well, at least that's what my dad called it when he'd black out

from drinking bong water on his custody weekends.

No! Dad, don't you realize what...

Welcome, Travis Higgins,

to the day of your biggest regret.

Wow. This is so neat.

Maybe I should go back and fix my biggest regret,

investing my life savings in Friendster.

Okay, Dad. Look for someone streaming on an iPad.

That's the butt-dumpster who ruined my life.

Oh. SEAL Team Three. They put the "friendly" in friendly fire.

Mom, we have an emergency.

A real emergency, or one of your pretend Greta emergencies?

I need your help. There's a chance that Dad and Travis

are about to collapse the universe upon itself.

That is an emergency!

This will be so much fun.

I used to love going on missions with my SEAL team.

Except for the time when we got stranded on a mountain

and had to eat my friend Kathy's feet.

Welcome, Abby Higgins,

to the day of your biggest regret.

Oh no! It appears since you touched the portal, Mom,

we are at the day of your biggest regret.

My biggest regret? What is my biggest...

Of course.

Seventeen years ago,

I was sent to bring the world's worst dictator to justice,

Grizzly Jung Un.

We got intel he was about to attack Alaska

and seize control of their strategic flannel reserves.

I was at a crossroads.

I'd been in the SEALs for a while and wanted a change of pace.

Something came over me that morning, and I quit.

The Alaskan flannel industry never recovered.

I've never forgiven myself.

But now I'm back, and I can finally set things right by...

Oh. But that would screw up the whole space-time thingy, huh?

Well, I suppose we've already messed up the timeline simply by being here.

Maybe after this, we could bring other evildoers to justice

like Ted Bundy or the California Raisins.

Really? Oh, honey, this will be so fun. Come on.

Oh man.

Good to be back in my old body again.

I forgot how incredible being hot feels.

- Hey, where does that door go? - Dad's office. No one's allowed in.

Now remember, if a succubus tries to shake your hand,

it's polite to pull out her fingernails.

Don't make eye contact with Medusa. She won't turn you into stone.

She's just super talkative, and you'll get stuck for like an hour.

Look, it's the board.

Okay. This is my chance to sell them on the Regret Portal.

You good?

Yeah, just gonna mingle.

Do some demon-watching, you know, have a look around.

Hi. I'm...

Well, hello.

I'm Bloodvomit McSports-Hernia.

Enchanté.

So then, I says, so then, I says,

"Don't look at me, Walt. EPCOT Center was your idea."

Oh yeah!

Hello, Beelzebub. Good to see you.

You learned how to be evil yet? Maybe just become a chiropractor.

Ha, ha. Good one. Actually, I have a new idea I'd like to run by you.

Let's find our table, and I'll tell you all about it.

Oh. We told Dan he could switch with you and sit at our table.

Eh, you could sit at his spot at table nine.

You're not gonna believe this. Look at the buffet line.

Meatloaf, the musician, is standing there holding a plate of meatloaf, the food.

Come on, let's get a pic.

Wait 'til I get my hands on the jerk who filmed me.

Hey, Dad, you've led a life of humiliation.

What's more painful, a titty twister or a teste twirler?

There! There he is. Get him!

Um... Wait! Better idea.

The fire alarm.

Hell yeah. Great idea, Dad.

Come on, buddy. Let's get back.

Wow. I'm finally free.

Uh, Travis, buddy?

How could this happen from undoing one thing?

Man, false alarm!

I've had enough of these false alarms, Chief.

I need to focus on my true passion,

gene splicing!

We have to undo the undo.

So I guess we have to do the do.

Oh. That's where that phrase comes from.

No, I say we train the shark dragons to be service animals that can...

Okay, I was wrong.

Very, very wrong.

Yeah! Hell yeah!

Dictator eyeball pong rules.

Now drink, losers.

Nostrovia!

There they are. The cool girls.

Remember, you own a robocall company,

we met on Scream Harmony, and we just got back from...

Oh, what's the worst place in the universe?

Oh, I got it. San Diego.

You're CEO?

Your daddy didn't buy you a new nose,

but at least he made you head of his floundering corporation.

Well, I'm trying to fix that, but...

I just became CEO of Facebook.

The previous demon that was possessing Mark Zuckerberg died inside of him.

And is this your husband?

You both reek of that "we got a bread maker as a wedding gift

and tried to return it for store credit" vibe.

Lilith, you look like you could use a top-off.

I'll grab some drinks.

'Sup, bro? I'm Todd. You party?

Does a hobgoblin's butt crack run sideways?

Hey, think we could do some partying in Satan's secret office?

Maybe check out the root of all evil or whatever.

Whoa. That's off-limits, bro.

JK, my dude.

As we say in Hell, "Here freaking yeah!"

This is so nice, sweetie.

We never do mommy-daughter days like this.

Eh, you two. Stop right there, eh?

- No! Please, eh, let go! - See, hon? This is how you strangle.

When you hear gurgling, that's when you know to stop.

- Bacon. - I call it the death gurgle.

It used to be my ringtone.

Wait, you were happy doing this job?

Oh yeah, my life in the SEALs was a blast.

The USO shows were awesome.

Ooh. Have you ever seen Carrot Top?

He's got this thing where it's a golf club on one end

and a stethoscope on the other, and...

- I don't wanna ruin it for you. - So then, why did you quit?

Well, I wanted to start a family,

like my own personal SEAL Team, going on fun missions together.

But you're into your school stuff, and Travis has his unboxing obligations,

so it's not quite what I...

Hey!

Great job, hon! You are a natural!

Nah. Nah. But for real, yo.

Y'all wouldn't believe what a monster my bro Drawk used to be.

This guy is straight-banned from the Eighth Circle, am I right? What, what.

Drink up, ladies. These are on me.

Yo, yo, I got the key. Let's go...

to Satan's office.

All the foosball, titty posters, and unplaceable smells you can want.

So after forcing everyone to use soggy paper straws,

I'm gonna mandate eco-friendly compostable underwear.

Remember that time when you tried to form an improv team in high school

because your dad was friends with Wayne Brady?

Then you had to do a one-woman improv show because no one joined.

And it was like somehow even sadder than regular improv.

Hey, Lilith, I thought about it,

and I'm happy to lend you that money you asked for.

Uh, what money? What are you talking about?

You know, how you asked to borrow some money from me

because you spent so much on couples therapy

when you found out your husband was cheating on you.

That's absurd. Kevin loves me.

You know, he said you're annoying and stupid,

and you'll never be as successful as Beelzebub.

And when he sees you naked, you look like a melting candle.

His words, not mine.

Be quiet. We don't wanna wake the guard moose.

I've gotta admit, Mom, I'm having fun hanging out with you.

It's like having a spa day but with balaclavas and vengeance.

Aw, I knew you'd come around, hon.

Remember, this guy is a dictator, but he's a Canadian dictator.

So expect him to be super polite

right before we paint the walls with his brains.

Wait, what?

We are not killing anyone.

Killing people is bad.

But he's bad, Greta.

Every Christmas he eats reindeer live on the Hallmark Channel,

cohosted by Lacey Chabert.

Okay. You can threaten his life, give him a stern warning,

and make him promise to change his ways.

This would never happen in the SEALs.

Our team was given orders, we followed them,

and we would accomplish our mission.

But is that what your kids do? Nope.

Well, what, may I ask, did you think motherhood entailed exactly?

I thought motherhood would be straightforward.

I thought my kids would wanna learn from me,

but it's nothing like that at all.

Wait a minute. That's why we're here.

Missing out on this mission isn't your biggest regret.

Your regret was quitting the SEALs to start a family on this day.

Ha! See, it is. Travis and I, we are your biggest regrets.

- Greta! - No, Mom. I do not wanna talk to you.

Eh, hold it right there, you hosers!

This would've never happened

if you'd let me quietly murder that man in his sleep.

Well, this also wouldn't have happened if you'd stayed in the Army

instead of having kids.

Then we'd all have been better off.

How dare you say something like that. I wasn't in the Army. I was in the Navy!

Giddy up.

Come on, boy.

Whoo-hoo!

Hell yeah!

That was awesome, wasn't it, honey?

Sorry, what? I'm pretending I don't exist, like you wished for.

- Thank you for that back there. - My pleasure.

I don't know why you wanted to impress those idiots to begin with.

That Lilith chick is awful.

Also, she's clearly had work done on those horns.

Seriously, though. Why do you care?

You don't get it. I'm the spawn of Satan.

It's a lot to live down to.

You're CEO. You have lived down to it.

Pfft! Yeah, I'm knocking it out of the park.

Look, only you and I know how hard this job is.

Don't question yourself.

Maybe those girls are right though.

I basically sacrificed everything for this.

And now, once I'm waist-deep in it, and I can't turn back,

I'm like, "Was it worth it? Do I even want this job?"

- "Do I even belong down here at all?" - It was. You do.

I forgot the third question.

To being lonely at the top, or at the bottom, if you're in Hell.

- Ooh! - These are strong!

These goat blood martinis are not messing around.

Hey, what do we have here?

The key to my dad's office?

Um... Wait! Better idea.

The fire alarm.

Ow!

Why do my nuts hurt?

Oh, right.

If I hurt my one-hour-ago self, I'll feel it as well.

Oh. Is that so?

That's for kicking me in the balls. How do you like us now Friar Tuck?

Whoa, Travis, looks like the alopecia gene struck a little early.

Well, I did it. I stopped other me from stopping the show.

♪ You put your right foot in You take your right foot out ♪

♪ You do the Horky Porky And you turn yourself... ♪

The "Horky Porky"?

I guess I'm just gonna have to put up with the humiliation

of being the Horky Porky kid forever.

Wait. I want you to see something.

It was you!

Yeah, Trav.

It was me, and... and I'm sorry I lied to you,

but I'm not sorry for capturing that moment.

You got up there in front of everyone and gave it your all.

But everyone drags me for it.

Son, there will always be bullies,

uh, cyber or IRL, but you have to ask yourself,

"Do I change who I am to please them,

or do I stand up for the person I choose to be?"

Hey, Marv. Psst. It's me, you from the future.

How's it going?

I knew this day would come.

Okay, lay it on me. What are tonight's lottery numbers?

Are they 12345678? Statistically unlikely, I know, but so is every other number...

...if you really think about it, right?

- Hey, I need your iPad to... - No, Dad.

It's okay. Past you can stream it if he wants to.

You're right. What do I care what boobwizard_420 thinks of me?

Wait, that's what people's names are in the future? That's awesome.

Shh.

Quiet.

Um, excuse me, what are you doing?

Okay, hear me out.

One of the main reasons I wanted to come here was to see...

the root of all evil.

What? That's what you're so excited about?

Well, you at least have to take a shot of it.

The root of all evil is alcohol?

No, that's just the dumb name

for the scotch we distill in-house down here.

There is no single root of all evil.

It's sort of just everywhere, like tree pollen,

or the tiny fecal particles in the food at Chick-fil-A.

It's like Napalm and halibut.

Oh, look a cute little spawn of Satan.

You were adorable. I see the resemblance.

That's from when he opened a no-kill shelter for plague rats.

Such a legend.

Huh. What's this?

I'm not sure.

The date at the top is a few days before he died.

"Dear Shirley, I thought you'd like to see how much she's grown."

"She looks more like you every day."

"I'll try to make it back up to Earth soon to see you."

"With love, Satan."

"P.S. I miss your butt."

I don't...

I don't understand.

I think your dad had an affair with a human woman named Shirley.

Wait. So that means I'm...