Original subtitles

Steal Truck Drive Drive!

Ouch! My hip!

Ow! My butthole!

Oh! My colon!

Achievement unlocked. Punched a bald dude.

Good morning, Travis. From your unlocked achievements,

it looks like you knee-capped a pimp with a sack of doorknobs.

Good for you.

Achievement unlocked. Disrespected a college education.

So, tell me, how's Travis's day going?

Bad.

My family didn't even remember today's my half-birthday.

Your half-birthday? What's a half...

Die, Stillwell.

Sorry. He's from a rival therapy practice.

Please, continue.

See, my actual birthday is on Christmas, which means I get totally shafted.

So, this year, I asked my mom

if... if we could celebrate my half-birthday instead.

But does she listen? No.

Just went in one ear and out that same ear.

Achievement unlocked. Was vulnerable during therapy.

So, anyhow, I bought one of those body pillows

that pregnant ladies sleep with, and when I'm alone...

Oops. Wi-Fi's breaking up. Gotta go.

Ew. I touched that pillow.

Whoo-hoo!

Holy hell, I was good at my job.

On the sixth day, I not only created butterflies but also grizzly bears.

That's like reading poetry while wanking at the same time.

Looking for family fun?

Well, look no further than Shane & Chugger's.

Hot games, cold beer, tepid cheese, and technically edible Cajun cuisine.

Yeehaw!

This! See? This is what is so frustrating.

I painstakingly create a planet

where there's a worm that goes into a sleeping bag,

then comes out with wings that are stained-glass windows.

Then you idiots fill it with this crap.

Shane & Chugger's? Looks like they gave hepatitis its own restaurant.

Travis is always asking to go there,

but I can't afford to blow an entire afternoon

spending time with my son.

Well, makes sense. That place looks like the inside of his brain.

Marv, emergency.

Today is Travis's half-birthday, and he told his therapist

that it's the most important thing in the world.

Therapist? Our insurance doesn't cover therapy.

Wh... Why do you think I scream into the toilet every night before bed?

Okay, fine, you got me.

I created an avatar so I can pose as Travis's therapist

in his Drive-Kill game to know what's going on in his life.

Abbie! Th... That's a total invasion of Travis's privacy.

A teenage boy isn't gonna open up to his mom.

Anyway, we need to throw Travis an amazing party

if we want to accomplish Operation Happy Family.

Do we have to treat every family activity like a military mission?

I mean, It was bad enough when you used to scream,

"Operation Reproduction!"

What? So a birthday party on his actual birthday isn't enough for the kid?

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ Happy birthday... ♪

Wait a minute.

Formerly broken family comes together to throw pointless party

to make child happy.

This is exactly what I need to show the board

what a great job I've done to bring your pathetic family closer.

Dear God, please help me.

Hey, Cheryl. It's me.

Send the cherubs down for a performance review.

Welcome to the prayer line.

If a sports team you bet on

isn't covering the point spread, press "one."

If you just got back from Cancun and it burns when you...

Ugh! Representative.

Main menu.

- Happy half-birthday! - Happy half-birthday!

You know it's my half-birthday?

Of course. We've been planning your party for weeks, ya silly goose.

Yeah. Since... um, half-Veterans Day.

Can it be like Aidan's birthday party, where we demolished a giant piñata,

and his stepdad let us shoot bottle rockets into traffic?

Sure. We know how important this is to you,

so it's important to us.

Huh, wow. Oh. I'm gonna go call Aidan!

Dude! Dude! Dude! Dude! My parents are throwing me a rager.

Bring over that list of new swear words you came up with.

It's gonna be lit, you butt guzzler!

Okay, we have one hour to set up the kind of mind-blowing rager

that will show our son that we love him.

Abbie, as someone who's been to many a mind-blowing rager

and a handful of fairly epic Google Meets, we just can't pull it off.

Marv, I can't do this without you.

We are a team.

Did my SEAL team say, "We can't pull it off"

when we were ordered to blow up the Pope? No!

We did it, and we blamed it on a volcano.

Yeah, I don't think you're supposed to be telling me this stuff, hon.

Perfect.

Happiest family on earth.

Godcat? I'm trying to reach Father.

I need his hot glue gun again. My hair is being unmanageable.

Are you calling me from your room? You could just come down here.

I prefer to telecommute.

In today's world, there's no logical need for interpersonal physical interaction.

Well, I sometimes frequent a club out by the Heaven Airport

that says you're wrong. Marv's busy.

Your folks are throwing Travis a half-birthday party later today.

What?

They're here!

Hey, GC. What's good?

That's how humans say "how are ya" colloquially.

We brushed up so we could fit in down here.

What's good, guys?

How are things up at the old bless-mess? Total crap show without me, I bet? Huh?

Oh, big-time.

We need you back up there pronto, boss.

But you know, got to really prove yourself to the board first. Right? So lame.

Well, that's exactly what I called you guys down for.

Once you see how this family has come together, you...

Is that strawberry sherbet with a serotonin swirl?

Mmm! Mmm! Yum. Sweet ride, guys.

Ha! This isn't just a sweet ride.

It's the 2024 XRC Unicorn Deluxe.

One horsepower, platinum hooves, rainbow interior.

This is the only unicorn like this in all of Heaven.

Borrowed it from the VIP stable.

Mmm, hope there's room on that unicorn for a third,

'cause I got a feeling after you guys see the work I've done down here,

I am gonna need a ride back home.

Well, there is a suicide seat that folds out from the butt cheeks,

and the you-know-what becomes a cup holder.

Well then, shotgun!

Okay, let's head in.

Come on, the clock is ticking.

We have to make it look like we put real effort

into throwing Travis this party.

Now, up a little.

My up or, or, or your up?

Same up, Marv!

Are they always screaming at each other like that?

Um... Sure, yes. That was an idea I came up with.

"Loud is love."

I love you guys too!

Oh, and here's Greta, lending a hand to throw this party

for the brother she now loves because of me.

The only thing I love about Travis is that he's a deep sleeper.

I've been feeding him spiders and glow sticks at night

to try to create a new superhero.

These are the party decorations?

Uh... Don't you get the theme?

It's a half-birthday party, so everything is half-assed! Doy.

Oh. Great idea!

I'll put out some stale Pringles and warm Sprite.

We need more time. Take Travis somewhere.

Also, while you're out, can you grab some wine?

I need a mixer for my vodka.

And leave the cherubs here to witness how your trainwreck of a family interacts?

No way.

Take them too.

Show them all the breathtaking creations you're always bragging about.

Actually, that's a decent idea.

I can show them some of the majesty I created.

Have them remind the board what kind of high-end product

the GOAT put out back in the day.

Guess what, Trav?

We got together with Godcat

and came up with a fun activity for your big half-day.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh man, I've been waiting my whole life to have my own special day.

Huh. Oh man, you guys are wearing diapers? I can't wait to find out why.

This day's gonna be so sick!

Slagnar, if I may,

I had one idea I wanted to pitch in this week's board meeting.

Yes, Beelzebub. We're all ears.

Ha. This ought to be idiotic.

Okay, what if instead of torturing souls

with spikes and fire and all that lame junk,

we make them try to fold a fitted sheet?

And we can get a great price on them. As you know, we own IKEA, so...

Enough! We got it. We'll put our best guy on it. Dan.

Isn't Dan just a head on a stick we use to scare people?

For now, sure. But everyone's got to start somewhere. Okay, bye.

Ugh!

I should've done what other demons do when they're cast out of Hell.

Open a Jimmy John's.

Hah!

Okay. There goes the neighborhood.

Oh, you're kidding me. Another person?!

And one of them has a Hacky Sack.

Everyone knows that Hacky Sacks are actually marijuana purses!

Hello. This is Karen, and... Don't say "again" like that.

I have every right to call whenever I want.

I just thought maybe you should know there's an unapproved party

happening in our neighborhood.

You'll "look into it"!

I will just have to take matters into my own hands!

Now that lady is evil!

She's like if Genghis Khan worked at Lululemon. Hey, Karen, wait up!

Now come on, tell us, which one of you posed for this one?

I think it has Aslandeus' playful spirit,

but the wiener definitely looks like Craig's.

Can we go somewhere fun now?

I think I've seen enough marble testicles for one day.

But look at all this natural wonder.

Look at this busy little bee,

upholding our entire ecosystem by the simple act of pollination.

Frankly, sir, that was a bit of a design flaw.

Well, I couldn't have anticipated

that the stupid humans would figure out a way to actually kill bees.

I gave them swords for butts. Doesn't that seem like enough protection?

Okay. Okay. Let's go into the museum.

A museum?

A museum is the most boring thing that can happen to a human being.

Okay, buddy.

Tell Unky Godcat what you wanna do.

I know. How about we go down to the woods and feed some deer to the bears?

No way.

No. No. No, we are not going there.

So, guys...

Obviously, I made the most exquisite planet of all time.

Sunsets, cheetahs, tiki bars... You know my hits.

But this place... not on me.

The humans are totally to blame for...

Oh man, oh man, oh man, I am so pumped!

They have a game where you guide a healthy adult through a Bass Pro Shop

and see how quickly you can reduce his IQ!

It's called "Living in Arizona."

Travis,

obviously Aslandeus and Craig aren't interested in...

Whoo! It's like a rat casino for children!

Okay, but one hour tops, and then we're going home.

Aslandeus, no running!

I wasn't sure what to get for a half-birthday.

All I could find was a box set of Two and a Half Men

and a dozen cartons of half-and-half.

That thing came out of nowhere!

Ahh!

Oh no, it's not breathing.

Come on, live, damn you.

Its mouth tastes like Starburst.

How is that possibly worse than horse mouth?

Meh, figures. Happens every time I get a car wash.

Agh! This is all Godcat's fault. If he hadn't summoned those cherubs down...

Ugh, Mother, for the last time,

please stop bringing home roadkill for dinner.

This isn't for dinner. Well, it could be.

Depends if I have sour cream in the fridge. Ugh!

Your father hit it with the car. Just grab me the jumper cables.

Mother, tell me you're not attempting

to defibrillate a unicorn with jumper cables.

Well, what the hell would you use to restart a unicorn heart?

Jolly Ranchers and Christmas lights?

I got it.

Hmm.

Buckle up, Greta. Hurricane Karen is headed straight for you.

I've never seen a creature this evil, and I've been to a taping of Ellen.

Excuse me.

- Young lady, are your parents home? - Yes.

Well, they're not supposed to be throwing a party

without written consent from the Neighborhood Council.

- I agree. - How dare you call me that.

I... Wait, what? You agree?

Yes. I abhor the idea of this "party."

It's a celebration of my brother's half-birthday.

In my opinion, the only time we should celebrate Travis

is when he finally stops eating chapstick.

Well... uh, regardless, you can't have this many guests...

...on one's property, regardless of plot size, per Section 7C of...

...the HOA agreement.

I'm as shocked and appalled as you are, but as a minor, there's nothing I can do.

Why not come in? We'll work together to present evidence to the HOA.

I... Well... You...

But I would like to speak to your...

Okay. Sure.

Damn! How'd you do that?

It's simple.

Karen requires conflict to survive, and I've deprived her of it.

Soon, she will shrivel and die.

Easy.

You do know she's making those Hacky Sack kids pee in a cup, right?

Oh, for chrissakes.

I don't believe this. Is this the culmination of human creation?

Is this what they've done with the free will

I so kindly bestowed upon them?

Come here!

You're not my father!

See ya.

Goodbye.

I should put the whole planet up on Zillow. See if I get any bites.

Well, hello there, mon ami!

At Shane & Chugger's, everything is ça c'est bon!

What sort of Hell-demon manifested this freak of nature?

Certainly wasn't me. Unless it was that third day.

One too many whippets on Day Three.

Why doncha come on down to the bayou some time?

Yeehaw.

I'm not going anywhere with you, swamp rat.

Do you know what my day has been like?

Repeatedly facing the reality

that the magnificence I forged means nothing,

and all humans appreciate is flat beer, blinking lights, and chemical cheese?

Laissez les bontemps roulez!

How dare you tell me what to do.

And in French, a language I made up as a silly joke.

Holy Chugger's, that felt good.

Interesting shirt choice.

Did you know that Bob Marley used pot?

Yeah. Wanna guess how he ended up?

Dead!

Not from pot. From cancer.

We actually read his biography in my book club.

Clear!

Hmm.

Karen, I've been looking for you.

So far, I've counted a half-dozen HOA violations in this house.

Expired coupons, a chandelier with mismatched bulbs, dust bunnies.

And what's that odor?

It smells like the Lip Smacker factory burned down.

Uh...

It's probably coming from the pantry.

We used to have a chemical toilet in there to save on the water bill.

Come on. Probably a ton of violations.

Hmm.

We could try my wishing idea.

I... I saw this movie called The Last Unicorn.

We are not taking advice from a kids' movie.

I mean, the plot is very advanced.

A kid would have a pathetic grasp on the political tensions

of the Mushroom Planet.

Dammit, they're back!

We promised Travis the best half-birthday ever.

Instead, we've got CSI: Narnia.

Great party. No piñata.

There's barely any people here.

And one of them is the kid who accidentally called

our math teacher "Mom."

Oh, piñata shmiñata. Look at this turnout!

Six, maybe seven people.

On Earth, that's a lot of people.

Something's awry.

Mm-hmm. In that garage.

I'll call the HOA to get over here. Let's meet in the driveway at 1700 hours.

This is it, Greta. We got 'em!

What do you mean you had an accident?

"We had an accident."

"I can't keep my widdul wife togethaw for two widdul houwaws."

"My bwain has no winkles."

Oh man! That is a spot-on Abbie.

Uh, okay, now do me.

Ow.

Okay, update. Karen's calling the authorities,

and they'll be here any minute.

Dammit! Do you have any idea how screwed I am if the cherubs realize

that the family I was assigned to help not only ruined their child's party

by killing their borrowed unicorn, but also,

they killed their borrowed unicorn!

Hmm.

Wait. I have an idea.

Criminy! What does this thing eat? Deep-fried kettlebells?

Just a bit further.

Hey, where's the XRC going?

We're in position. Go! Go! Go!

You know, you really shouldn't let your pony eat that grass over there.

Our neighbor Karen douses it in all kinds of chemicals.

Come on. It's just a bit of grass. What's the worst that could happen?

Whoa.

That's the greatest piñata I've ever seen!

- No! - No!

Stay with me. Stay with me.

Be alive again! Be alive again.

Wait, what?

No!

That unlicensed party pony trespassed on my property!

Karen, we welcome you with open arms,

and in return you poison slash blow up an innocent pony? Shame!

I need to speak to a supervisor.

Karen, I'm going to need you to hand in your badge and gun,

and by "badge and gun" I mean citation pad and loud whistle.

My whistle is how I yell at joggers.

How am I going to...

Okay.

This isn't over, Greta.

Did Karen give up when she got kicked out of Walmart

for assaulting a greeter?

Or when Burger King got a restraining order to keep her away

from their managers? No way!

She'll be back.

Uh, hey, Karen, wait up.

Why don't we go down to Home Depot and harass the day laborers?

Genius, Greta. H... How'd you do it?

Well, after analyzing the sugar content of the unicorn's lower intestine

and noticing it had a similar make-up to that of popular mint candy Mentos,

I timed the release of a flood of a carbonated, aspartame mixture,

or "Diet Coke," into its system at exactly the right moment. Then, kaboom.

Hey, just like what happens in my belly.

That's how I got banned from AMC Theaters.

Then all that was left to do was push the blame onto Karen.

The look on her face, the shame, the defeat.

Hey, maybe I do like parties.

It's totaled!

But again, to get back to the whole reason you're down here,

I did bring the family together.

Oh, shut up! We have bigger problems than your stupid Earth project.

Let's go, Craig. Yo, turn these in for me.

And get good value. Don't be coming back with any of those troll-doll keychains.

I'm talking black light frisbee or higher.

Well, I will say there are a lot of things humans really frigged up.

Murder, taxes, John Krasinski starring in action movies.

I didn't do any of that.

But they did get one thing right.

This game.

And orange soda. Fine, two things.

I don't know. I guess maybe it's not all their fault.

I have been on cruise control for a few centuries.

Maybe I can help them if I put in a little more effort.

Hey, I'd be jambalyin' if I said I wasn't having a good time with you.

You know what, Chorgle? I'd be jambalyin' too. One more game.

Aw.

- Hey, bud. What's that for? - Thanks for today. It was pretty awesome.

Aidan says he's going to be pulling unicorn guts out of his hair for weeks.

Oh. Best piñata ever.

I kinda felt like no one ever listens to me,

but Godcat took me to Shane & Chugger's, you guys threw me that awesome party...

Of course we're listening, sweetie. We love you.

See? It's not "in one ear, out the same ear," now is it?

Just went in one ear, and out that same ear.

...out that same ear. ...out that same ear.

...out that same ear. ...out that same ear.

Betrayed!