Original subtitles

That's the move that won The championship for Leonard verinski,

The european Chess master.

- check. - no, he was romanian.

Oh, the coffee is boiling, 52. I'll get it--

Just as soon as I move...

My knight.

( flute playing )

( air whooshes )

I thought you'd Make that move.

There.What do You think of that?

Now wait a minute, 52!

Nobody likes a sore loser.

52?

52!

Three agents murdered-- 23, 49

And now 52 right here In control.

- in my own laboratory. - close to home, isn't it, Professor sontag?

All right, max, tell me Exactly what happened.

First of all, chief, He moved his pawn To his queen-3.

Then I moved my knight To my bishop-4--

No, max. I mean did he do Anything suspicious?

Well, yes, as a matter Of fact he did, chief.

He left his Queen unguarded.

Max, will you Forget the game?

An agent has been murdered-- The third control agent In as many weeks,

And always on the weekend. Can you think of any reason

why it should always be the weekend?

Maybe the killer works During the week.

What troubles Me most is

All the victims have The same suspicious marks.

Marks? What marks, chief?

Look at his neck.

Not his neck, max, Agent 52's.

Oh, right, chief.

Oh yes, I see What you mean.

two tiny puncture marks about an inch apart.

- chief, you don't suppose-- - of course I don't.

All that publicity About vampires

Is just the newspapers' Way of boosting circulation.

I guess you're right, chief. It's incredible

To think of a vampire Abroad in the 20th century.

It's incredible In any century, max. Vampires are a myth.

What do you think, Professor sontag?

There are boundaries To the scope of scientific Knowledge.

It is said, you know,

That when a vampire strikes It leaves two marks

Very much like these On the neck.

But that's ridiculous, Professor sontag. That's an old wives' tale.

- you're right, max. - of course I'm right, chief.

Werewolves leave marks On the neck, vampires go Right for the throat.

Max, there are No such things As vampires.

Right, chief.

It's a good thing we're all Sensible civilized men

- who don't believe in a lot of superstitious nonsense. - right.

Max! Don't walk under that.

( theme music playing )

The newspapers are Having a field day, max.

The people of washington are Terrified of this so-called Vampire murderer.

We've got to stop him Before anyone else Is killed.

I know, chief, the people Of new york are afraid To go out at night.

They're afraid Of the vampire?

No, they're just afraid To go out at night.

- ( phone buzzes ) - what is it?

Oh, arrick.Does he Have the detecto-tune With him?

Good. Send him right down.

Now, max, what else Did you come up with In your research?

Well, chief, I picked up Some very important facts About vampires.

- what is it? - let's see...

"In 1958 Dr. Franz heiser

Appeared before the national Council of scientists In vienna

And presented A paper that claimed Vampires do exist."

Of course they Discredited his theory.

- what happened to dr. Heiser? - he flew away.

- what? - in a plane, chief.

Max! Now our one clue

Is the melody you heard Just before the murder.

- oh, arrick, Is the detecto-tune ready? - yes, chief.

- good. - now how does it work?

The detecto-tune can Reconstruct any melody

In the same way that A criminal's face can be Reconstructed

From the descriptions Of witnesses.

- can you remember any Of the notes that you heard? - hum anything you remember.

Let me see now, chief...

Uh... ( hums slowly )

( playing melody )

A little faster than that.

( playing faster and faster )

- arrick! - sorry, chief.

Try to get it, max. This may be vital.

All right, chief, Now let me see...

( humming )

( humming )

No no no.

( humming )

Yeah, you got it.

( singing jazz standard )

( upbeat singing )

What are You doing, max?

I'm putting you Down for the lead In the "Spy frolics," chief.

Max!

Arrick, has sontag Finished the autopsy yet?

I think so. He'll be with us in a moment. He's on the phone.

Wait, dr. Drago. Don't hang up.

Drago, drago.

Drago... Where have I heard that name?

Drago drago... Of course! Dr. Drago.

He was the professor's Predecessor here at the lab.

- that was before We came to control. - why did drago leave control?

I think he was caught doing Some unauthorized experiments.

Oh, dr. Sontag, What did you find out From the autopsy?

- nothing. - nothing?

You heard me. Nothing.

What are you doing With the detecto-tune?

Well, I heard this melody When agent 52 died, and--

We were trying To reconstruct the tune.

That's ridiculous, smart. You're imagining things.

How did this Melody go?

Well, have you Ever heard the song "Heart of my heart"?

- yes. - that wasn't it.

Take over here, arrick.

I have to go visit An old friend.

Will you be taking Another of your long Weekends, professor?

I don't know,

But I want you to look Over those reports On my desk.

Phone calls to dr. Drago And long weekends--

There's something funny Going on here, 99.

I think we'd better Put the professor Under surveillance.

Shouldn't we check With the chief first?

No, there won't be Any time for that. He's leaving now.

I don't want him To know we're Following him.

( thunder booming )

Sontag's getting In his car, 99. We'd better follow him.

But, max, shouldn't we stay And investigate drago?

He must be the key To all of this.

But what are we Gonna tell drago If we find him?

That our car Broke down.

Oh, come on, 99. He'll never fall For that old gag.

( engine grinding )

- come on, let's go Into the house. - what do we tell drago?

- that our car broke down. - max, what do we use For cover?

- I've got an umbrella In the trunk. - no, max, I mean a disguise.

- oh, now let's see What's in the trunk. - right.

- ( wind howling ) - ( thunder booming )

99, what's the combination Of the trunk?

C-a-44-n.

Let's see, we've got The newlyweds cover, The diplomat cover,

- the lion tamer cover-- - let's use The newlyweds cover.

I've been dying To play that role.

Oh, max, They're lovely!

- here, take some rice, 99. - right.

I'd better take The commando kit. We might need it later.

- good thinking. - close the trunk, 99.

- right. - let's go.

Look, 99, There's someone there. It must be drago.

- what's he doing? - he's getting Into his coffin.

Getting into his coffin?

( door squeaking )

Good evening.Is this The honeymoon motel?

No, it is not. This is my home.

I am dr. Satyrados drago.

Oh, good evening, doctor. I'm maxwell smart

And this is my wife Mrs. Smart.

We're on our honeymoon, And our car broke down.

I don't suppose you Could put us up For the night?

My privacy is most Important to me.

Besides, I don't Think you would be Comfortable here.

On the contrary, Doctor, I think this Is a charming place,

So fresh And inviting.

I think it's a perfect Place to spend a honeymoon.

I don't suppose you'd Consider selling it.

This house is 200 years old.

It is said that many Weird and terrible things Have happened here.

There are frightening Noises at night.

the people nearby say that the tortured spirits of the dead

still inhabit these rooms.

Is there anything else You'd like to know?

- is it near a school? - ( growls )

Stop growling, dear. We can always hire A tutor.

Max...

Oh, hi there.

hugo cannot answer you, mr. Smart.

Unfortunately, he has lost The power of speech.

- ( growls ) - what did he say?

He said, "Unfortunately, I have lost the power Of speech."

And now if you will Excuse me,

I shall call a garage And see to your car.

You say it broke down On the road.

Which one is it?

- it's a red-and-black coupe. - no no, I mean Which road is it?

The road right outside Your castle, doctor.

Ah,

Honeysuckle road.

Hugo, close The french doors.

Now let us see About our guests' Automobile.

( lock turning )

It's locked.

What do we Do now, max?

Well, first of all, 99, we've got to look In this coffin.

- oh, do we have to? - well, you see, 99,

According to the legend Of the vampire, ridiculous Though it may seem,

Vampires always sleep In their coffins.

- why would they do that? - if you go around biting People on the neck,

I guess you'll do Just about anything.

Max, I'm frightened.

Don't be silly, 99.

All these stories about Vampires and witchcraft Are ridiculous.

Why, they're nothing But fairy tales to frighten Little children.

I give you my word There's absolutely Nothing to them.

Right.

On the other hand, I could be wrong.

Listen, max, I have an idea.

Why don't we just check Out everything else In the room first?

I've got A better idea, 99-- Process of elimination.

- how does that work? - we check out everything Else in the room first.

- good thinking. I'll start with the desk. - right.

99, wait a minute.

I think we're Being watched.

- where? - look casually over Your left shoulder.

- notice the portrait? - yes.What of it?

I think I saw The eyes move.

Oh, max, How could they?

Very often in old houses Like this they have Secret passages

And they use the eyes Of portraits to spy through.

- you stay here. I'll fix it. - right.

- okay, 99. - good.

- what are you doing, max? - I think I've got a stone

From the driveway In my shoe.

There's nothing in here Except this old invoice With some numbers on it.

What do you think That means, max?

- wow! - what's wrong?

I don't know. Everything went black For a minute.

You probably bent over Too fast.Where's The invoice, max?

What invoice?

The one I just Found in the desk. You just took it.

Let's start From the beginning, 99.

Now I sat down here In the chair.

Right, and I started Going through the desk.

And I leaned over To get the stone Out of my shoe.

Right, and then I Picked up a piece Of paper.

I held it up in my hand, And I held it out to you.

Ooh!

Good, you found it.

I'll say I did.

This is the biggest Pebble I ever saw.

I think it cut off The circulation In my eyes.

Max, there's nothing On this piece of paper.

What in the world Are you talking About, 99?

Max, a few seconds ago, I picked up a piece Of paper

From the desk, and it Had some numbers on it...

- you must be imagining things. - ...But you took it from me.

- all right, 99, let's start From the beginning. - right.

- I sat down in the chair here. - and I began to go through The desk like this.

And I leaned over to--

It distresses me To report that your Car won't be ready

before tomorrow morning.

Well, that's quite All right, doctor. We'll just have to hoof it.

Come on, honey.

- ( thunder booms ) - ( growls )

Well, it was A rotten night For a walk anyway.

Mr. Smart, You and your lovely bride

Will be my guests.

hugo, show them to their room.

Oh, and...

Should you hear Any unusual noises During the night,

You needn't be alarmed.

It will just be hugo Pursuing his career.

- his career? - yes, he wants To be a band singer.

- ( growls ) - oh, forgive me, hugo.

A big band singer.

Now, hugo, if you will Take our guests To their room.

And don't you love Those curtains?

Of course if that were My chair, I'd have it Recovered.

And the whole room, If it were painted A lighter color,

Would look so much bigger.

Okay, 99, there Don't seem to be Any microphones around.

Oh, I wish I could remember What was on that paper In the library.

Forget it, 99.

Let's see what Control has given us In the newlywed kit.

Throwing knife,

Knockout drops,

Revolver

And brass knuckles.

This must be The commando kit.

Ah, this is The newlywed kit.

Toothpaste, Throwing knife,

Knockout drops,

Revolver

And brass knuckles.

I know the paper had Some numbers on it,

But what could They mean?

99, what's the sense In talking about it

- if you can't remember The numbers? - wait a minute, max.

What do the years 1923, 1949

And 1952 mean to you?

- three great years For burgundy. - no, max.

Three fair years For burgundy?

Wait, take the "19" From in front of each Of those numbers,

And what do we have?

- what were The numbers again? - 23, 49 and 52.

23, 49, 52.

23, 49, 52.

- 99! - what?

Those were the numbers Of the three agents Who were killed.

( thunder booms )

Max, then that ties drago

Into the murders.

99, we've gotta take Another look around Downstairs.

Right, but what if We're being watched?

You're right. We've gotta keep up Our cover at all times.

We've gotta do everything Honeymooners do.

Here, these pajamas Are our best bet.

- get into them. - max!

They're bulletproof, 99.

Come on, 99. Drago must be Asleep by now.

- we've gotta take a look Inside that coffin. - right.

But hugo locked us in. How are we gonna get out?

We'll just use This expando-rice.

99, while I'm stuffing it In the keyhole, you get The special toothpaste.

- right. - it's marked "Ignito-paste."

- come on, 99. - that's really wild rice.

The wildest!

- ( footsteps ) - max, I hear something.

Shh!

I think drago Has finished his nap.

Look, 99, there's A stairway in the coffin.

Exactly, mr. Smart.

This coffin has kept Nosy intruders

From discovering The entrance To my laboratory.

Not many men Have the courage To open the coffin.

Especially from the inside.

You are a clever man, Mr. Smart.

Clever enough to see Through your scheme, Dr. Drago.

You killed those agents.

You were driven By bitterness

Because of your dismissal From control.

And then when you Found that you were Under suspicion,

You threw us A red herring-- The vampire.

Yes.When I was Dismissed by control,

I was disgraced In my profession.

I vowed that all The control agents

Who testified Against me would perish.

have you guessed how the murders were carried out?

It was the music, Mr. Smart.

The music?

The music they played When 52 died, of course.

Precisely, mr. Smart. I'll show you.

This twin-channeled Flute

Is my finest invention.

At high "C" it fires Two poisoned ice pellets;

The ice dissolves; The poison does its work;

And the police are left

To ponder the mysteries Of vampires.

Well, dr. Drago,

You've played your Little song of death For the last time.

I beg to differ, Mr. Smart.Hugo!

Oh, no, max!

Drago: and now, mr. Smart,

It is your turn

To hear my sonata Of death.

But before I begin, Do you have any Last requests?

You know any show tunes?

- ( flute plays ) - drop the flute, drago.

Sontag, if you shoot The girl will die.

- shoot, sontag! - no, max!

( gagging )

Max, What's he saying?

I'm not sure, 99, But I think it's...

"I get no kick From champagne."

So you see, although I suspected dr. Drago,

I felt I owed him the chance To prove his innocence.

- after all, he was my teacher. - so you went to his house That night

- to confront him With your suspicions? - yes.

And that's when we Put you under surveillance.

- I know. - but what you didn't know

Is that 99 and I Were following you To drago's place

In a control Tracking car, did you?

Not until I caught you In my rearview mirror.

- when was that? - just after you crashed

Into the rear end Of my car.

Well, you stopped Awfully short, you know.

Incidentally, max, Do you recall what That melody was

- that drago was playing? - I'm not sure, chief.

- 99, did you bring The flute with you? - it's right over there.

Oh, thank you, 99.

- is that the murder weapon? - max: right, chief.

Only now it's just A harmless old flute.

Now let's see. How did that melody go?

( playing tune )

Smart!

Sorry about that, Chief.

( theme music playing )