Original subtitles

Calling krochanska.

Calling krochanska.

According to my previous Observation,

The courier should be Removing the briefcase...

Now.

Drop it. I said drop it, Or I'll shoot.

So you are The thief.

Well that solves One mystery.

now, who are you working for?

The pellet, krochanska. The pellet.

( coughing )

Max: Slide four, chief. This was taken aboard

The orient express By the austrian police In innsbruck.

The subject Is agent 85, Deceased.

Agent 85 was the fourth Courier to leave paris

With a briefcase Chained to his wrist.

Not one reached His destination alive.

Your conclusion, 86?

- suicide, chief. - suicide?

But max, He was gassed.

Well, I don't know Anything about His drinking habits, 99,

But there's A suicide note On the floor.

That's his ticket.

Oh.

slide five.

so we bid a fond farewell

To the pacific Paradise.

Sorry about that, chief. That's another case.

- who is that? - george robinson.

kaos agent, hawaiian branch.

- fabulous disguise. - I saw through it in only One minute.

Would you believe it? One minute.

I find that very Difficult to believe.

Would you believe Two minutes?

I don't think so.

How about Our fourth date?

( theme music playing )

The enemy Knows we must send Another courier.

Our one chance Is that they won't be Expecting a woman.

I understand, Chief, I'll do the best I can.

It's a dirty, Dangerous job.

It will require Intelligence,

Determination And icy nerves.

Will I be issued A destruct pellet, Chief?

- yes, 99. - wait a minute, Chief.

You're not thinking Of sending her?

- she's a woman. - max, thank you.

Being a woman Is the reason We chose her.

Four men failed--

Agents 82 Through 85.

Now, this briefcase Must be gotten to b-12,

Somewhere In the balkans.

It's beautiful, Chief.

And it's real Leather too.Do you think He'll like it?

Max, it contains A half million dollars.

He'll love it.

It's the payroll For our freelance agents Behind the iron curtain.

They haven't been paid In five months.

If they complain To the grievance committee Of the spies guild east

We are in a lot Of trouble.

Why, those babies Are murder at the Bargaining table.

Why, do you know That they get disability Compensation for flesh wounds?

Max, may I get on With this briefing?

Carry on, chief.

Now, 99, this security Briefcase has just been Developed by the lab.

Once it is attached To the wrist, there are only Two ways of getting it off.

- one by using a key. - good.

However there is only One key that will fit This lock.

Anyone trying To use another key

Will receive 5,000 Volts of electricity Through him.

- wow! - where is the one key That fits, chief?

B-12, the agent Who will be receiving This briefcase,

Already has it. He'll be onboard the train.

- how will I know him? - you'll receive further Instructions

From our contacts Onboard the train.

This certainly is An ingenious device, Chief.

You just clap it On your wrist, right?

And there's only Two ways to get It off.

One is with the key On the... Train.

In the...

- what's the other way, Chief? - amputation.

Amputation.

Oh, max. You shouldn't have done That for me.

Well, it looks Like you'll be taking A long trip, 86.

Now let's go To the lab. Maybe minelli

Has come up with something That will give you A fighting chance.

Max, that was The noblest, bravest

Most heroic thing I've ever seen.

Thank you.

Maybe I could Soak my wrist.

Max, I don't Think you've met

Our new special Weapons advisor, Dr. Minelli.

Dr. Minelli, This is agent 86, Maxwell smart.

- I believe you know 99. - yes, I do.

- how are you, smart? - nice to meet you, minelli.

I see You play chess.

Well, I amuse myself With a game or two Now and then.

So do I. Well, I see

You've got an Interesting problem Here, but I...

...Think I know the answer.

That's checkers.

Well, What's new in special Weapons, minelli?

What you have In mind, smart?

Dr. Minelli, All of the agents Who were killed

Where victims Of a highly toxic gas.

I wonder if you have Anything to give 86 That will protect him.

I think I got Just the thing.

Here. Hey, try This on, smart.

Oh. That's beautiful.

But I think it'll clash With my trench coat, Don't you, chief?

When you yank down On the rim,

The bowler converts Into a gas mask.

Lovely.

Chief, Should I issue 86 A pair of strato shoes?

A pair Of what?

Strato shoes-- it's One of dr. Minelli's Latest developments.

Let's look At them.

The wearer Of these shoes,

Can obtain instant height By merely knocking His heels together.

It's a marvelous Device for instant Escape from danger.

I don't think I quite understand.

Well, I'll demonstrate Using just one shoe.

Now, here's the activating Mechanism inside this heel.

Now, watch what happens When I press it.

( air wooshes )

That's incredible.

Yes, but exactly What does it do?

There's a miniature Capsule of highly Compressed air

Buried inside Each heel.

Now clicking the hills Together sets off A jet stream

That lifts The wearer off the ground.

But what happens If you only activate

One of the shoes While you're wearing them?

Well, I imagine You'd drive your leg Up through your head.

Then you'd advise Against that?

Chief, have You given 86

A full explanation Of the briefcase?

Except the Alarm system.

Now, of course You know about the key.

Agent b-12 Has the only key That will open the lock.

And he will be Somewhere on That train.

Oh yes, I remember now. A wrong key inserted In this lock

Will set off An electrical charge Of 5,000 volts.

And of course The noise will bring Help running.

What noise?

Your screams.

My screams?

Now, one more Question--

What if someone tries To take the briefcase

Away from me Without breaking The lock?

The slightest tug On that chain

Will set off A siren you can hear For a mile and a quarter.

- how do you turn off the alarm? - well, you just push The button.

Well, chief, I guess that about Wraps it up.

I think I'm just About ready to go.

- ( switch clicks ) - ( alarm blaring )

- where is it? - it's on the other end.

- what other end? - this end.

( train whistle blares )

( alarm blares )

- ( button clicks ) - ( blaring stops )

- 44? - yes, 86.Welcome aboard.

I was told That you'd be My first contact.

- correct. - you have anything for me?

Yes.

Well?

Look, I don't know How to tell you this, 86--

I haven't been Paid in five months.

Yes, I know All about that, 44.

That's what this mission Is all about.

Now, can I please Have the message?

I mean after all, 86, Secret agents have To live too.

Now, the spies' standard Agreement clearly states--

Yes, I know all about The spies' standard agreement,

And I promise you, You'll get paid just as soon As I deliver the briefcase.

Now, can I have The message, please?

You know, Everything costs So much today.

Guns and knives Are expensive,

Poison is up,

And strangling Wire is $6.80 A yard.

Please, 44.

Do you have any idea What it costs today

To build a halfway Decent infernal machine?

All right, 44. All right.

( train whistle blares )

Here, this should tide You over for a little while.

Thanks, 86.

You know, I even had to pay To get on this train?

And this is A first-class Medicine chest.

Yes, I know, I know, 44.

Now will you Please give me The message?

Here. Make sure You destroy it.

Right.

( door opens )

Is anyone In here?

Yes, this is My compartment.

I'm terribly sorry, But I wonder if I might Just leave

Some of my merchandise In your compartment.

There doesn't seem To be room in mine.

Certainly.Here, Let me help you.

Thank you.

Thank you. I certainly appreciate Your help.

If you don't mind, I'll just sit down And rest for a moment,

I'm quite Exhausted.

My name, By the way, Is mr. Ernst.

I'm maxwell Smart.

( snores )

- what is it? - shh.

I'm not alone.

And I had to destroy The first message. Do you have a copy?

Well, you know, 86, Secret message paper

Doesn't grow On trees.

All right, 44. How much?

- $5.00. - $5.00?

That's The going price.

Or three For $10.00.

No, I'll just Take one.

Thanks.

Sorry to disturb you, sir, But I wondered if you'd like Some dinner.

No thank you. I just ate.

Perhaps you'd like To see a menu and You can order later.

Thank you.

Incidentally, tonight--

Talk about cheap!

- again? - yes.

Incidentally, those secret Messages taste terrible.

What kind of ink Are you using?

You know how much Good ink costs?

Never mind, 44. Do you have another Copy of the message?

Should have taken Three for 10.

Can't you just Read it to me?

Okay.

And keep Your voice low.

The briefcase Will be picked up

By agent b-12

Who will use The password "Tanganyika."

- "Tanganyika"? - "Tanganyika."

- is that all? - that's all.

( door opens )

Oh, I'm sorry, I see that monsieur Is still having his dinner.

You can put My bags up there.

Yes, madame.

I believe this Is a private Compartment.

( romanian accent ) Oh, kind sir, is just For a little while

And there's no Other seat available.

Surely you would Not deny a lady In distress?

Surely not. Make yourself Comfortable.

You are a gentleman. Someday I hope you will Come to romania

And avail yourself Of my hospitality.

Oh, thank you very much. That would be a pleasure.

I am the countess Rifchevsky.

I am the Maxwell smart.

We're just Entering lichtenstein. Passports, please.

Madame.

Monsieur.

Okay.

Ah, lichtenstein, What a lovely Small country.

( rails squeal )

We're just Leaving lichtenstein. Passports, please.

- what took us so long? - floods.

Had to evacuate The country.

Bonjour.

I beg your pardon, But you're sitting In my seat.

Oh, pardon.

Ah, I don't believe You two ladies have met. This is the countess.

- I'm sorry but I didn't Catch your title. - mademoiselle.

You know this word?

99, what are you Doing here?

Dinner is being served In the dining car.

Would one of you gentlemen Care to accompany me?

My pleasure, countess. Come, cyril.

Cyril?

Thank you, sir.

Madame.

Monsieur.

( air jets whoosh )

Will monsieur be Coming down for dinner?

99, you stay here. I'm going to find agent b-12

Instead of waiting for him To find me.

- how will you know him? - by the code word "Tanganyika."

Be careful, max.

( woman screams )

Sorry about that.

- oh, excuse me. - come in, mr. Smart.

We finally found My compartment.

Won't you join us In a cup of wine,

If you don't mind Paper cups?

Thank you. I don't mind if I do.

Beaujolais, 1957.

Dixie cup, 1965. ( chuckles )

- is everything all right? - yes, thank you.

You know, the marvelous thing About traveling

Is all the wonderful people You meet, like each of you.

I agree with you, Countess.

Uh, have any of you Ever been to africa?

Yes, I've traveled There extensively.

I spent Three years there.

it's my favorite continent.

I'd like to ask you A question

And I want you To think very carefully Before you answer.

What is your favorite Country in africa?

All: Tanganyika!

That's what I was afraid of.

It's a new Fad diet.

All the vitamins and none Of the carbohydrates.

( rails squeal )

Hang on, it's Dead man's curve.

- be careful! - ( countess screams )

- ernst: what's happening? - countess: the lights Have gone out.

- ooh! - excuse me.This always Happens on dead man's curve.

And here comes The other half of it.

- what was that? - countess: the lights Have gone out again.

My briefcase! It's gone.

- let me take it. - mr. Smart, I insist--

- what happened? - krochanska made a try For the briefcase.

- then you know Who krochanska is. - I'm almost positive.

- who, max? - it's somebody On this train.

- yes, but who? - the countess.

Would you believe it? That lovely countess.

- I find that Very hard to believe. - the porter?

- I don't think so. - the conductor?

- no, huh-uh. - the engineer.

- how about the dog? - max!

It's gotta be one of them, 99. There's nobody else left.

- ( door opens ) - aha!

Just as I thought-- Ernst the phony Blind man.

No, mr. Smart.

Ernst the blind British spy.

Then it was you who put The message in the cup.

It was really nothing, Old man.

Just spur of the moment And all that.

It was something to me. You pulled me out Of a tight spot.

Ah well, all's well That ends well.

Come in and sit down. British intelligence Is always welcome.

No thanks. I ran into a spot of Trouble on the way over.

Seem to have taken one In the back.

( loud gasp )

Silly of me.

I'm afraid I'm going to Pack it in, old man.

- I say... - hmm?

Who is krochanska?

Don't think I'll Live long enough

To say.

Pity.

Calling krochanska.

Now bring me The briefcase.

Max, look.

Here, boy. Bring it over here.

Max, be careful.

don't do anything rash.

a sudden move may cost you a hand.

The old Spy-in-the-dog-suit trick.

so, mr. Smart. believe me,

it is a pleasure to meet you at last.

I have long anticipated the day when we would match wits, you and I.

may I introduce myself?

My name is demetrios.

Too bad that our first meeting Will also be our last.

you see it, 99?

a radio receiver and a microspeaker in the dog's collar.

99, meet cyril krochanska,

- double agent. - excellent, mr. Smart.

excellent.

You... More than live up To my expectations.

And you are quite correct--

This will be Our last meeting.

pellet.

The pellet, krochanska.

99, it's gas!

We're locked in. Get your gas mask.

- ( max coughing ) - 99: don't breathe.

He had to be A hat salesman.

you'll note, mr. Smart, the gas has no effect on dogs.

Humans however are rendered Unconscious within the First 30 seconds.

Death will occur Within one minute.

you now have 36 seconds in which to live.

- max, where's yours? - ( coughing )

Here, max, here. Try that.

- ( coughing ) - don't breathe, max.

So much for Courier #5.

Come along, krochanska.

- ( groans ) - good work, max.

- come on, 99. Let's open the windows. - right.

Tickets please.

Monsieur.

- madame. - thank you.

Uh, I'm sorry about This mess, conductor.

It happens all the time On the orient express.

If you think this is bad, You should see compartment 13.

...And then The austrian police took Demetrios into custody.

- and the dog? - remarkable thing About that dog, chief--

He was trained As a double agent--

A practiced thief And a natural killer.

- what happened to him? - he was adopted By a nice family.

- lots of kids. - so all the loose ends Are tied up?

That's right, chief. All the agents are back At work and paid.

Good. We can't let that Happen again.

The security of The whole western world Depends on our work.

I know, chief. I was talking to some of their Representatives about it.

Good. Now about your Next assignment--

On saturday I want you To fly to bangkok and get In touch with agent--

Uh, wait a minute, chief. You realize of course If we leave on saturday

- that that will be Time and a half. - what?

Of course when We get to bangkok, That's overseas pay.

And then sunday's Double time.

- what are you talking about? - it's all right here

In the spy guild Union book, chief.

- all you have to do is read it. - don't be ridiculous.

I never heard Of anything--

The chief of Overseas operations

Gets three weeks Vacation with pay.

That's not all-- look at this. He gets his wardrobe also.

( theme music playing )

( theme music playing )