Original subtitles

She made out with her power guide. It's like kissing your teacher.

Jizz chose Nora!

As far as Jen was concerned, they weren't even together.

But that was never verbally confirmed.

This all happened in her mind. It isn't even real.

Objection. That's irrelevant. It's not the action itself.

It's the speed at which the action was partooken which is egregious.

Was quite quick.

If I pressed play on the director's cut of The Fellowship of the Ring

the moment Jen left the party,

we wouldn't even be out of the Shire before she's hooking up with some boomer.

Leave Jen alone.

I'm sure she had a very good reason for kissing that old man.

- I was sad. - Exactly.

Look, if Jen's taught me anything,

it's that you can do whatever you want when you're sad,

and no one can be mad at you.

Uh-- No, no. That's not--

I hurt you, and I shall have to face the consequences of that.

So, for once in my life, I'm gonna do the emotionally mature thing.

I'll give you a freebie.

I want you to hook up with someone else.

♪ Was it the best you ever had? ♪

♪ I try to tell you what I think And play it off like it's a joke ♪

♪ Oh, no, more surprises Guess it's like this ♪

♪ I'd do anything for you, Mrs. Highness ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Na, na, na, na, na, na ♪

♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh ♪

How do I look?

Like you're going to an allotment.

Good. I don't wanna give George any ideas.

Bye.

Are those my glasses?

♪ #Work, #HotGirl, #ClubLife, #NoMakeup ♪

I was just about to buzz.

Your mum sent me to give you this.

We were shopping, and she had to buy it because she knows you like dolphins.

Oh, and she said I've got to say it doesn't mean she's not still mad at you

for being a wee B-word.

Well, you can tell her that my accepting of this jumper,

doesn't mean I'm not still mad at her for being a stubborn E-word.

What's the E-word?

There is no E-word,

which is gonna drive her insane trying to figure out what it is.

Why don't you come round and tell her?

I know you both find it difficult talking about your feelings,

especially where your dad's concerned, but...

...I've discovered this cool new thing I can do with my power.

Give us your hand.

Right, if I'm touching you and touching your mum at the same time--

- Ew, pervert! - No.

If I'm connecting with you physically, you can feel what the other's feeling.

It's pure empathy.

No harm, Ian, but my mum only has three emotions.

Hunger, disappointment and an irrational hatred of specific TV presenters.

So, I don't think it's gonna do any good.

- Carrie, you're a woman. - Mmm.

Would you make out with me?

Jen wants me to do it, so it wouldn't be weird or anything.

Aw, I'm flattered, but I can't. I don't need anyone.

I'm an independent woman now. Carrie's flying solo.

I'll be home by 4:00.

So, we can catch the fresh yellow stickers before the big ones close.

Although, Tesco Metros after 6:00 can be a gold mine.

Uh, sorry, what?

Well, it's the third Sunday of the month. It's food roulette.

What's food roulette?

It's where we buy whatever's in the reduced section,

and then we just make a meal out of it.

Remember when we got a whole chicken and five packs of gelatin?

Wobbly roast was excellent.

Uh, although, uh, maybe it's not a bad thing

if we don't do things together for a while.

- Oh. - Yeah.

It's just, I'm trying to move on.

No, no. That makes sense.

And-And I've got Clark, so...

Exactly.

Why are you being weird with each other?

I should get to rehearsal.

- Big day. - Break a leg!

And you need to find someone to cheat on my best friend with.

Okay.

It's just me and you, flowers.

♪ Please take my hand ♪

♪ Feel the rain against your cheek ♪

So... ...the other night.

God, this really is a heap. You sort out one bit, and six more pop up.

Should we talk about what happened?

Um, making mistakes is all part of the process.

Oh. Oops.

Bugger it.

I think there's something back there.

That looks like a door.

Why won't it open?

It's a defence mechanism.

Oh. Sorry.

No, it's good. It means we're getting close.

I bet that whatever's blocking your power is behind that door.

- Jen. - Yeah?

Do you trust me?

I do.

- Look for a light switch. - Ow!

So, yeah, I was saying I-I have a boyfriend,

so it's not like I properly fancy you.

It's quite common to transfer sexual feelings on to a paternal figure.

Ew, gross. No, that is definitely not it.

Oh.

I wouldn't read that much into it.

Uh, excuse me.

Um, where do all the women congregate?

"All the ladies flock to Tony's."

So convenient.

♪ Seven, eight, nine That's procedure ♪

♪ If we break bread Then I'm comin' like a healer ♪

♪ If you want beef Then I thump, thump beat her ♪

♪ If you want beef Then I thump, thump... ♪

You're late.

You're one of those shapeshifters, aren't ya?

Yeah. I am a shapeshifter.

Aye. Well, chop-chop.

- Costume's in the back room-- - Whoa!

I'm so basic. Like, really? Daddy issues?

Basic or not, your dad is the key to your power.

I don't see why he has anything to do with anything.

Your relationship with him has alienated you from your mother,

trapped your friend Carrie into a sense of obligation to you,

regardless of her own feelings,

and contributed to your...

...inappropriate attraction towards a clinical care provider.

Hey, you're the one who's insisting on going around

wearing slutty little cardigans.

And anyway, there is nothing wrong with my relationship with my dad.

It's perfectly wholesome.

In fact, if there's anything wrong with it,

it's that I don't spend enough time with him.

Yeah, we can do anything a normal family can do, and I'll prove it.

So, you're doubling down on Daddy?

I'm doubling down on Daddy.

♪ Let's get it ♪

Uh, I did GCSE drama. I think I know what I'm doing.

- Inhale. - Exhale.

Sing.

Pumpkin face!

Tiny little raisin face!

Stop!

Feel the animal. Think as the animal. Be the animal.

Go.

Ostrich? Hmm.

- You're not even trying. - I'm a fuckin' worm.

- What am I supposed to do with that? - I don't know.

Wriggle around or something.

Kash, when do we get to read the script?

Uh, sorry, we can't hear you, mate.

Sorry. When do we get to read the script?

Look, preparation is the most important part of performance, okay?

Only after mastering that, are you even prepared to read the script.

Oh, so you haven't written it yet?

Um...

Carrie, can you teach me how to fish?

As my dad. Sorry, I should've led with that.

Trying to prove something to George.

Oh, I-- I have a date.

- With who? - Me.

I'm trying to be the kind of woman who doesn't need no man.

So, letting one inhabit my immortal soul for the day,

it's... it's a bit hypocritical.

Well, it would just take a couple hours. Promise.

It's just... ...I've always seen these pictures of him fishing,

and I always imagined that he'd teach me how to do it.

But you don't have to. It's okay.

How can I say no to that?

And you don't feel, like, obligated to channel my dad, do you?

Yeah. But in a good way.

I-In a friendship way. It's reciprocal.

Like, if I asked you to help me move out

or help me dispose of a body if I killed someone.

We support each other no matter what.

Makes sense.

♪ Ooh, nice! ♪

- Okay. - Wait.

- Where are we gonna fish in East London? - Oh.

♪ Whoo! ♪

- Yeah. This'll work. - Mm-hmm.

♪ I'm more like A one-night-stand apologist ♪

These are your character sheets. Study them, okay?

They have to feel real, like whole, complex humans.

Mine just says "girl".

Yeah. You're playing the girl.

Look, I'm sorry, Randall.

But you can't progress until you've mastered the previous exercises.

I can't relate to a fucking worm, mate.

Look, the goal of the actor is to fully empathise with any subject.

Oh, fuck you! Empathy, my arse. Fucking actors. Stupid.

Uh... I think I'm gonna go as well, actually.

- I'm not feeling too well-- - No, no. Ade, stay, please.

It says here I want to destroy the city.

- Yeah, you're the villain. - Yeah, I need specifics.

Why? What city?

Just the city. Um, London. I don't know.

I don't think my character's giving London. I don't believe it.

He lives somewhere more grounded. Raw.

♪ Uh-huh ♪

Here.

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ Sexy ♪

♪ Everything about you ♪

♪ So sexy ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What's wrong with him?

Psst. Shapeshift, for fuck's sake. They didn't come here for this.

Oh, I can't. I-I don't have my, um...

Do any of you ladies have any cat food?

- Get off. - Ooh.

- Honestly! - Ow!

Whoo! Yeah! Take it off!

I came for hog! It's quantity, not quality, baby.

- You like me? - Hell, yes!

You're all prudes!

You wanna come party with some real women, Peperami?

You wanna come-- No! I wouldn't do that.

But seriously, if you want to, we're free.

♪ Give me just a little bit more ♪

What's with the aquarium?

I want you to teach me how to fish.

- Are you feeling okay? - Yeah, I feel fine.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

Because you look a bit green around the gills.

- You fell for that one. - Don't.

Hook, line and sinker.

No, but seriously, you're not gonna like fishing.

You've got no patience. You'll get bored.

I want my dad to teach me how to fish.

♪ Yeah, we're the pirates Of the Hebrides ♪

Oh.

♪ From the Southern Isles To the Butt of Lewis ♪

♪ We're always out for more ♪

Oh.

♪ We're looking out for winkles That you've stashed in the bay ♪

And now we wait.

♪ You won't be leaving anything ♪

- Oh, my God. I'm so bored. - What did I say?

Okay, so you're hell-bent on destroying Milton Keynes

because your mother was killed in an indoor snowboarding accident,

and it haunts you to this day.

Sounds about right, yeah.

Okay.

We're gonna do a scene improvised as our characters now.

Megan.

Look alive. Come on. Be "girl".

How? I don't know what I'm doing. Got no reference.

Specifics, specifics, specifics.

Um, just base her on, oh, Carrie. You've met, right?

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

- Yeah, I think I've got it. - Brilliant. Here we go.

Ah, what a beautiful day for a picnic.

Isn't it? Hello, Mr. Sun. Hello, grass.

I'm just so lovely.

Oh, we're not hurting the grass by sitting in it, are we?

Sorry, I talk to dead people.

I love it, but there's something missing.

It's like she's in the room.

Oh.

♪ I'm just a love machine Feeling my fantasy ♪

♪ Give me a kiss or three And I'm fine ♪

♪ I need to squeeze the day Instead of this negligee ♪

♪ What will the neighbours say ♪

What they say? No, no, no!

♪ This time? ♪

Crushed it. Yay, me!

Crushed it!

No, no, no. Don't stop.

Oh, you're so good.

Oh, my God. I love you girls. You're my best friends.

Oh, my God. Let's do a braid train. Me first, me first.

What up?

What's your name?

- Jizzlord. - Oh.

"Breed toe be"?

That's a pretty name.

Oh, no. My name's Taylor.

Don't wear it out.

Okay. Oh, uh, I need to kiss you at some point.

Oh, my God. That's so random. Oh, my God. Should we?

Yes. No. Yes.

No.

Shots! Let's do shots with the girlies.

Yes! Of course. Oh, we love you, girly.

Aw. No, I know.

So, what's all your names?

Taylor.

When are we gonna catch something?

Goldfish aren't my area of expertise. We need a river.

Couldn't your mum give you a lift to the country?

Don't think I'm very welcome at chez Mary at the moment.

What is it this time?

You didn't say her head was too big for hats again...

...did you?

No. It's just--

It's really stupid.

- It's you. - Me?

Yeah. Basically, she doesn't like that I talk to you.

She thinks it's "dysfunctional".

- I know. It doesn't make any sense. - You never told me she doesn't approve.

I didn't really think it was that important.

You said this is the one you use for trout, is it?

Wait.

So, sorry. When you brought me to the flat that night with the games,

you knew she'd be upset?

Well, initially.

But she has to get over it.

There is no reason why we can't be a family again.

She's just-- She's stuck in her ways.

I don't know what you want me to say, Jen.

I'm really disappointed in you.

This was meant to be a fun day.

- You want your dad, yeah? - Yeah.

Well, you're getting him. I'm your parent first, not your friend.

You don't just get the fun stuff.

Maybe she's right, your mum.

I've let things get too muddled.

I think we should go back to talking on the phone once a week.

No physical meetings. It's confusing you.

No, I'm not confused.

- I will talk to you on Wednesday. - Dad! No, don't...

Oi, mate, what you doing?

Mmm.

Is it a penis?

Is it a man's penis?

No, I know it's not. It's just, like, what am I like?

Oh, my God.

How funny would it be if I just deep throated it right now?

Like, "May I?" "Oh, yes."

Taylor...

...are you sure these women are your friends?

Yeah, we're like besties. Right, besties?

Yeah, we're here of our own free will.

See? They love it here.

So, why have they scratched 999 into this courgette?

Oh, my God!

Fine.

I can control people with the same name as me.

'Cause no one wants to be friends with me if they have a choice.

It's always like, "Taylor's a bit much."

Or, like, "Oh, Taylor's a lot."

That's not true.

I'm sure if you give them a choice, they'll see what a lovely girl you are.

Help me! Come and pick me up!

Come get us!

Cowards!

Thank God it's over.

- Oh, my God. - Mum!

Maybe you and me and Dad isn't the healthiest thing.

Maybe boundaries would be good.

Would have to admit to George that I was wrong.

Can't I just call in a bomb threat to the clinic?

You can't keep using bomb threats to get out of everything.

We are not in school anymore.

Today's proof that I need the clinic in the first place.

I can't figure things out all myself.

Hey, even when your daddy isn't inside me, you will always have a daddy in me.

- I think I know what you mean. Thank you. - I mean it.

I've picked up a lot from Martin over the years.

I can get rid of spiders for you.

You know I will beat up any boy that breaks your heart.

- I know. - I can teach you how to fish.

Just give me ten minutes on Google.

- We'll have another go at those bad boys. - Wait. No, you've got a date.

Oh, really, it's-- it's fine.

- Or we could do something else. - No, seriously.

I shouldn't have asked you to do this in the first place.

You deserve to have some quality time all by yourself.

Oh, we could do food roulette.

Oh, God, no. Never understood that.

Turns my stomach.

All right. Let's try an action scene.

Uh, we are fleeing the Vatican because pope's got rabies. Okay, go.

Kash, we've been here for six hours.

No one else has even had a go!

- Just a little longer. - Yeah, I-I-I'm so sorry, Kash.

I've got Reformer Pilates in a bit, but I-I've learnt so much

about a-animals and acting, and-and Stanislavski.

Thank you so much.

No, Ade. No, don't go.

- Gregor. - No.

Yeah, I'm pretty tired too.

Oh, okay.

We could just go to the pub or something, or watch a movie.

Let's get a pizza.

Oh, no. You can keep that on.

- Yeah, this is getting kinda weird. - It's not weird.

It's fine if you're still in love with your ex-girlfriend.

But I don't wanna get involved.

I've been a problematic third too many times.

Fool me once...

♪ The sand forever will come through ♪

♪ Oh, you ♪

♪ You're so alive ♪

♪ Oh, you ♪

♪ You're so alive ♪

Hey.

I told Jen I didn't wanna talk outside of catch-ups.

Oh, no. Uh, Jen isn't here. It's-- It's just me.

Hmm. Okay.

- Is this clay? - Yeah.

I am at a couples' pottery class.

By yourself?

Yeah, but I don't feel left out or weird at all.

It's totally fine.

Why does no one want to be around me?

Most people don't wanna be around me either.

But that's the great thing about friends.

Even if you're a weirdo,

there's always another equal weirdo out there for you to cling on to.

Do you have one of those?

Yeah.

I do, now.

- Which is why we have to make out. - I'm engaged.

Hmm.

But I'm not married yet.

Let's do this.

♪ And we both go together If one falls down ♪

What would you rather be surprised by in your attic,

a thousand cockroaches or a person?

Carrie, are you lonely?

Yes. I don't wanna date myself.

I-I do wanna be independent though.

It's okay to need other people.

I feel like something's missing in my life,

and handmade rustic dipping bowls, they're not gonna fill it.

♪ I miss you ♪

♪ I'm goin' back home to the West Coast ♪

Carrie, I think it's pretty clear who you miss.

Oh, no.

♪ I talk out loud Like you're still around ♪

Kash, I really miss you.

I really miss you.

Maybe I made a mistake.

♪ I wish you would've put yourself In my suitcase ♪

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Standin' all alone in a black coat ♪

♪ I miss you, I-- ♪

Did you enjoy that?

No.

Like, I'm sorry, but there's nothing going on down there.

Dry as a bone on my end too.

Hmm. Then what is this?

It's like I love you--

But I don't wanna have sex with you.

Oh.

- I don't miss my girlfriend. - I missed my friend.

We can hit the Metros in time for a late food roulette.

Okay.

♪ And with a smile on his face Pointed me to a junkyard ♪

Aw, what a pretty mop.

♪ Looked for an answer in empty doorways ♪

Do you think Clark would like food roulette?

♪ Said it's out on the highways ♪

♪ Well, come on, Doctor Won't you give me a shot? ♪

Okay. So, don't be mad at me, but--

You didn't?

- I didn't. - Oh.

I just don't wanna be with anyone else but you.

- God, I'm a terrible boyfriend. - No.

Oh, fuck. We still have this weird imbalance, though.

I'm always gonna feel guilty.

Keep your cat indoors if you can't stop it humping everything in sight!

As far as I'm concerned, these are your responsibility.

What are?

My Mitzi got lost on Halloween and came back knocked up.

So, I had a DNA test done at the vet's to see if there was a match on file,

and your cat, Jizzlord, a name, which frankly, is salt in the wound,

came up as the father!

In the name of the Lord, get that cat neutered!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, my God. We're even. In your face!

Oh, you slut.

Oh. Yeah, we're good.

♪ Just say you feel the way that I feel ♪

♪ I'm feeling sexual ♪

Oh. What's there to be so angry about, young man?

I can't fucking relate to this worm.

He's got so many struggles.

- I feel you, mate. - I feel--

- I feel you. - Yeah.

♪ Blue canary in the outlet By the light switch ♪

♪ Who watches over you ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Not to put too fine a point on it ♪

♪ Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ And while you're at it ♪

♪ Keep the night light on Inside the birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Not to put too fine a point on it ♪

♪ Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ And while you're at it ♪

♪ Keep the night light on Inside the birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪

♪ Not to put too fine a point on it ♪

♪ Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet ♪

♪ Make a little birdhouse in your soul ♪