Original subtitles

Are you still stalking Nora?

She has 150,000 followers.

Wait, what? She's Simply Life Well Lived?

Oh, Jesus, you don't follow her, do you?

I find her non-threateningly aspirational.

Not anymore though. She's a gutter whore and dead to me.

You're a true friend.

Just don't spend all night going down the rabbit hole.

That way madness lies.

I won't.

Oh, good, you're awake.

She said she went to Mykonos for the first time last year

and found it charming.

But in this photo, taken three years prior,

you can clearly see a Mykonos magnet on her fridge.

I know what you're thinking.

Someone else brought her a souvenir from Mykonos,

but I went through all of her friends' and family and co-workers' profiles,

and none of them ever been to Mykonos.

Her friend Hailey from sixth-form netball, they went for coffee

in GAIL's in Sevenoaks years ago, but they're not close.

She went to Santorini with her family in 2012.

And you want me to believe that you would or even could

buy a Mykonos fridge magnet at Santorini?

It doesn't make any economic sense!

Okay.

Sometimes self-love is telling yourself to work hard and never stop.

If you love yourself, you're happy to work on yourself and be disciplined.

I love colour coordination. It totally optimises organisation.

Flowers really can transform a space. They do get expensive.

It's worth shopping around.

Sometimes you can get your weekly flower budget

down to 50 to 100 pounds.

Sorry, can you just-- Yeah.

What are you doing?

Alfie's coming over today. I'm childproofing the flat.

I'll try my best, but I do not like being in the presence of children.

And English children. Ugh.

Mummy? Daddy? May I have some apples? It's disgusting.

Not yours, though. Obviously.

I've got so much bonding to catch up on. I'm gonna bond with that child so hard.

What about our bonding?

With all the surprise family stuff, we haven't really had time to do

- the whole, like, dating kind of thing. - Oh, like what?

Like, you know, staying up all night talking, having picnics,

going on spontaneous weekend breaks to Paris,

fighting for the first time.

Sleeping together.

Although Carrie and Kash are out,

so we could check one of those things off the list.

I don't think we got time to go to Paris. Nora's gonna be here any minute.

- Wait, Nora's coming? Here? - Yeah.

Oh, wait. Should I not have done that?

No, no, it's good.

I should get to know her in person.

Her likes, dislikes, weaknesses, intentions.

Well, you've already got one thing in common.

- You. - You're both bottom-heavy.

What?

We almost got an eviction notice

because he didn't realise he had to start paying his share of the rent.

I am not Kash's girlfriend anymore.

Of course, I'm not gonna pay rent for the both of us.

It's like-- Well, he doesn't know how to do anything on his own.

- Like he is almost-- - Uh, I have a meeting.

Can I, um--

Oh, yeah. Of course, Clark.

Hmm.

Ooh.

Uh, "Like he's almost, uh--"

Oh, 26. Thank you.

So, I told him, I said,

"Kash, you need to start being independent.

You need a job. You can't keep relying on me to do things for you."

And it's not healthy for us, you know?

We need to mutually disentangle.

To be honest, I just think we just need a bit of space.

Ah, Carrie. You'll be pleased to hear that's your last tea run.

We've hired you a new assistant.

Got a job.

To welcome Kash, let's go round the room and do an icebreaker.

Name, power, fun fact. You know the drill.

Richard. I can tell exactly when someone's going to get their period.

And I've driven the Aston Martin from Tomorrow Never Dies.

Hi, I'm Anita. I can kill someone just by thinking about it.

And I'm allergic to dry shampoo.

My name is Peter. I can change gender at will.

And I climbed Snowdon with flip-flops on.

Carrie. Communion with the dead.

My fun fact is that I recently broke up with my boyfriend.

And I specifically remember having a conversation with him

that if we're gonna live together,

we need to respect each other's boundaries.

Kash. Uh, rewind time.

Although, I'm sort of jumping forward now, and I can't really control it.

It's a whole thing.

Uh, fun fact, well, I just got broken up with.

And I thought I was doing the right thing by getting a job,

but apparently, I can't do anything right.

Also, I once saw Jason Momoa in a Pret.

Fantastic.

- Yeah. - Love him.

- It's Nora and Alfie. - Hi. Yeah.

Who's that for?

I'm gonna play catch with my boy.

- Hello. - Hi.

Hey, Alfie! Catch!

Welcome to our home.

You said the other day you didn't remember anything about us,

so I thought I'd bring some bits and pieces to help fill in the blanks.

It's all here. Our wedding. Holidays.

Oh! Thailand. You loved Thailand.

Why am I friends with this bridge?

You helped design it, silly. You're a structural engineer.

Hey, look. Daddy used to build things.

Daddy's not scary. Daddy wouldn't throw gloves at you.

Wait. No. Come back please!

- Please, Daddy, no! - Don't run from love.

Stay away from me!

So, what about you, Jen? What do you do?

- Eh, I-I work in a shop. - Hmm.

Couples go shopping together, don't they?

Do you go shopping with your boyfriend?

I'm not currently seeing anyone.

Where would I find the time?

To be honest, I haven't since...

And are you happy being alone, or--

- His graduation. - Oh.

We met first week of freshers. Course, he got better grades than me.

High two-one is not bad.

I-If that's what you, um-- Gosh. I wouldn't know.

Don't run!

Leave me alone!

Please don't run. Let me bond with you!

- Go. - Wait, not too fast.

- No, no, trust me. It's all in the legs. - You sure?

Ooh! Whoo!

Oh, gosh! Whoo!

Aerodynamic.

- Kash? I think we should talk about-- - Yes, boss.

- I think we should talk-- - Go ahead, boss.

- I think we should talk about-- - Uh-huh.

Stop spinning!

Do you actually want this job, or are you just winding me up?

No, I do. Really, you're right. I need to learn how to stand on my own two feet.

Like, give me something to do. I'll do it.

Hmm.

Here's something simple. I need five copies of this.

Yes, boss.

Daddy said he sleeps in the bath.

Um, Daddy's just being funny.

- Is Daddy homeless? - No, darling. No.

Regular does me fine.

That's my bag.

Oh! Oh, God!

Is this your bag? I have one just like it.

I-I thought it was mine... ...is why I was looking in it.

Jen, if you want to know anything about me, you know you can just ask.

- Yeah. - I have so many questions about you.

It's only natural.

Yeah, right. Yeah, like, why are we so good together?

How'd he get someone so hot?

Why are you fucking my husband?

I'm joking. I'm joking, Jen.

Obviously, I'm joking.

If I actually hated you, I wouldn't say something like that, would I?

Yeah. Look, I don't want you to think I stole him or anything.

Okay, I did steal him off the street, but... ...if I knew he had an owner--

I mean, a wife, then obviously I wouldn't have.

No, we would not have--

Of course. Of course.

I mean, life is a crazy adventure,

and we can't control what fate brings us.

Yeah. God, I'm so glad we got that out in the open.

Absolutely. I love this transparency for us.

Do we still have cat food? I think Alfie might like animals.

Yeah, it's in the middle shelf.

Um, because it helps me turn into a cat.

I know.

You'd think so, but the salmon is surprisingly moreish.

Mmm.

- I suppose. - Yeah. Yeah.

Hadn't thought about it like that before.

Hello. Huh. What's happening? Tell me what's happening.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Telepathy.

We used to have our own conversations in our heads all the time.

Old habits, I guess.

I have to pop out for a meeting. Can you watch Alfie for a few hours?

Wait. So you can talk to each other without talking?

Mm-hmm. It was like having our own secret language, I guess.

Wasn't it, Rob?

Oh, no. That's just her face.

Hmm.

I think she likes you.

♪ I just wanna have fun tonight ♪

Uh, it came out big.

♪ I just wanna have fun tonight ♪

- How did it-- - It came out big.

- Richard's just sent you a new case file. - He needs them by lunch.

But I--

Oh, let me help. Uh, what can I do?

Uh. I've got it actually. Uh, thank you.

♪ Do-do-do, do, do ♪

Carrie! Come on. I wanna show you something.

So, I realised that we had a cupboard just for stationery,

which is an inefficient use of space.

So, I reorganised it on my own initiative.

I discovered that if you throw all the stationery together in one big bag,

it frees up space for other stuff.

Like

this orange.

Would you excuse me for one second?

Mm-hmm.

Do you like it?

Ooh, ooh. Be gentle.

Hey, champ.

So, what's your mummy like? What's Mummy's vibe?

Show me your power.

One, please. Two, I don't have a power.

Why?

- I don't know. I just don't. - Everyone else does.

I'm very aware of that.

Has Mummy ever mentioned wanting Daddy back?

Don't pull your dad's tail.

- Are you broken? - No.

Does God hate you?

Yes. Okay, God hates me.

Look, I'll give you a fiver if you tell me about your mum.

Mummy was talking about you to her friend.

Was she? What did she say? What did she say exactly?

Oh, my God.

I don't remember.

Kash is so useless. I'm basically doing two jobs.

I'm so tired. I-I can't do this.

So, get him fired.

Isn't that a bit mean?

It's gonna happen eventually. If anything, it's a mercy.

How do you get someone fired?

Oh, easy. I've been fired loads of times.

Let's see. Stealing supplies. Lying about being able to drive a HGV.

Ooh, coming into work high. Building inappropriate bears.

Drugs.

I could plant drugs in his desk.

You? You are going to buy drugs?

I'm gonna buy drugs. How do you buy drugs?

I'll send you instructions.

Where are you calling from? It sounds echoey.

- Kitty! Stay still. - I'm hiding in the bath from a child.

Alfie and Nora are visiting.

Oh, my God. What's Nora like?

I don't have any reason to not like her.

She's just nice.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

I know.

What if Jizz notices that she's sweet and successful

and smells like Jo Malone, and he prefers her?

That is not gonna happen.

You have your own unique smell that is just as good.

Ow!

It's just annoying, because she knows everything about Jizz.

And we've been going out-- what, a week?

Pity you couldn't just speed things up.

I mauled my boy.

♪ Breathe in, time to break out ♪

♪ No stress We're wide awake now ♪

♪ Young blood, erase our mistakes now ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm blasting at the rave now ♪

♪ Can't stop 'Cause I'm goin' on a mission ♪

♪ The word is out Everyone in position ♪

Hello. Are you--

Yes, you are.

Uh, can I please have one serving of your least illegal drug? Please.

Are you a cop?

Me? No.

I watch a lot of Poirot, but I don't think that counts.

That'll be 20.

Um, the machine was only giving out 50s.

Could I get my change?

Uh. Yeah, I've got the power to do bank transfers with my mind.

So, you'll do it that way. Got it. Great.

Yeah, I've just done it.

Amazing. Thank you.

♪ Quick to the hip, stick ♪

♪ Blowin' off steam ♪

♪ I better not catch your bluff What's a king to a queen? ♪

♪ Watch your back in my spotlight All they eyes on me ♪

Carrie--

Have you signed Lauren's card?

What are you doing?

Are those drugs?

No, Dave. It's paracetamol.

Oh. Can I have one?

- I've got a splitting headache. - No! They're my paracetamol.

Oh, you got paracetamol? Can I bum one?

My squash elbow's playing up.

No, you can't. I need them. I have period cramps.

But you're not due on for another eight days and 44 minutes.

That's a breach of GDPR there, Richard.

It just came out.

I'm gonna have to log that with Sandra.

Trust me, today's not a good day to run up Sandra.

You're doing it again.

Nah, mate, she didn't even reply.

- You ordered a speed up? - Yeah.

Bro, it's so strange.

- You got my request? - Nah, it's bad. Yeah.

- Y-Yeah? - Wait, who's this?

I thought we could fast-forward ourselves a few months. No biggie.

- What? - Who's going forward?

Just like live out the next six months or so, but, like, quickly.

I-- I don't want to speed up my life. I've already missed so much of it.

Like all those years with the kid?

The kid?

What?

I don't understand. What's the rush?

- Just because, okay? - That's not a reason.

- Just trust me on this. - I like time the way it is.

People wish they could snap their fingers

and be in a long-term relationship.

That's stupid. Why would I want less time with you?

Oh, so I'm stupid?

Mate, mate, wait. Wait. This couple's having an argument.

Fine. I guess we'll just relish the joys of budding romance

in real time like fucking losers.

Look-- It's just-- You and Nora.

I feel like you have this lifetime of memories together,

- and I can't compete with it. - I don't remember them.

That's Robert, not me.

I remember the first time we met.

Uh, the sun was in your hair, and you had pink nails,

and you smelled a bit like a Petit Filous.

And I remember the first thing you said to me.

Oh, that's sweet, innit?

I feel like I said something right. Did I say something right?

You did.

I'm thirsty.

The Madonna of the Blessed Virgin has been in the Montague family

since its creation in 1584.

The family have requested that the original artist,

Giovanni Pietro DiAgostinelli, restore the painting

as was laid out in the original commission agreement.

Mr DiAgostinelli will work through our conduit

using materials that are as close as possible to the originals,

fidelity being the order of the day, to preserve the painting's value.

Don't mind that sound. It's just my heart beating.

Right, well, yes, I suppose we should get started.

Yeah.

Low blood sugar.

Let's have a tea break and, uh, reconvene.

Just sit, just sit.

What is up with you? Your pupils are massive.

Did you accidentally have full-strength tea instead of decaf?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

If you replace tea with hard drugs that I bought on the street, then yes.

- Why are you blinking so loudly? - What, why did you take drugs?

Okay, so basically, there's this guy Kash,

and I'm trying to get him fired by planting drugs on his desk.

I'm Kash.

Good for you. Wow.

So, I need to plant drugs in his desk because he's so useless.

I'm doing all his work and my own.

He's got to learn to be independent.

How is he supposed to learn how to be independent

when Carrie keeps doing everything for him?

- Carrie sounds like a real fucking bitch. - You're Carrie.

Carrie has a point.

Okay.

Okay, just drink this.

You need to lie down in a darkened room for four to five hours

and listen to ambient soundscapes.

Pfft. I'm not taking advice from you.

Yeah, this might be the only situation where I know more than you do.

Now, just go home. Relax. You'll be fine.

I am fine. Feel fine. Absolutely fine.

Carrie, you're not touching the floor.

Just go home.

You can't use your power anyway. What good are you?

Oh! Gonna fake it.

- No, don't do that. - Nobody's gonna know.

No. No--

Uh, they want you back in the boardroom.

Oh, okay. Y-Yeah.

I can't get down.

There's only one thing that creeps me out more than children,

and that's old people.

Why is he chewing? There's nothing in his mouth.

Does he have the mind of a child or an old man?

I want my raisins.

I can't tell.

Oh, God, what are we gonna do with him?

I wanted to spend quality time with my boy.

And goddamn it, that's what I'm gonna do.

Mmm. Mmm.

♪ But the shoes don't fit ♪

Yeah.

Whee.

♪ Push me down I don't wanna be lonely too ♪

Here, Alf.

Ow!

♪ I guess I'm never gonna get What I want ♪

♪ 'Cause all I wanna get Is alone with you ♪

You're a natural, Alfie.

♪ 'Cause all I wanna get is alone ♪

Alfie? Alfie? Alfie? Alfie?

Yeah!

Go on, keep walking.

He's all right.

Oh, my God.

Right, okay.

It's up to you, Kash.

You're not useless.

Right, there's still time to come up with a plan.

Oh, no.

Hmm. See what I mean?

Oh.

- Excited. - Me too!

He's done. He's done.

- You like it? - What have you done?

No one's ever been sadder than I am right now.

Yep. That's the comedown.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I need you to give a sample for a drug test.

I needn't reiterate our zero-tolerance policy.

Mm-hmm.

- I'm gonna get fired. - No, get someone else to do it for you.

They'll think you had a catastrophic mental breakdown.

Who though?

I trust you to do this for me.

It would be my honour.

♪ I know you wanna meet me at the bar ♪

People usually give a urine sample.

What?

They look so peaceful when they're asleep.

He's drooling a lot.

He is.

I'm a terrible dad.

Hey, no. It's me. I'm a terrible--

Stepmum?

Oh, my God, am I a MILF now? You always think you have more time.

It's Nora. What do I do? What if she never lets me see him again?

Mmm.

Nora. How was your meeting? It's all good here.

We did some reading. We went to the park,

accidentally turned your son into a pensioner, had lunch.

Sorry, what?

Mummy.

Uh.

Alfie?

Uh, please don't blame Jizz.

- It wasn't his fault. - Sit down.

I was trying to speed up time, and the guy got confused.

Although, you know, I'd say with a bit of hair dye,

he could pass for a sprightly 68?

Why were you trying to speed up time?

Oh, because we've only been going out for a week,

- and she's threatened by you. - I--

And we've not been to Paris.

- Well, that-- - Or slept together yet.

Oh, but we did have a fight though. So, that's good.

Jen.

You don't need to feel threatened by me.

There's no need for us to fall into lazy, predictable conflict because of a man.

Yeah! Oh, I totally agree!

Amazing.

Rob, don't worry about Alfie.

I've got great power insurance. I can get this reversed.

So, in terms of schedules, do you think you could...

Jen. Yeah, I'm talking to you, you fucking idiot.

Do you really think I'm cool with this?

That I'm just super chill about my husband fucking off

for four years to be a cat?

Like some ball-licking gap year

while I pay the mortgage and keep that brat alive?

And when he does come back, he's dating some Manic Pixie Dream Slut?

I was just going to guilt him into being a full-time nanny

for that little tax credit over there.

But that's not enough.

You were right about one thing. I am his owner. He belongs to me.

I spent years domesticating that man to do whatever I want,

and you think you can waltz in here with your perky tits and no pension

and have a quirky little fucking Wes Anderson love story?

Well, think again, cunt.

You've taken something from me, and I'm going to take it back.

And when I fuck him, which I will, I'll be thinking of you alone and sad.

And I'll come like a fucking landmine. Because I just don't like you.

I fucking knew it.

Knew what?

Nothing. Sorry.

- Huh. Okay, we're off. - Hmm.

I'll let you know about the flute lessons.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lovely to meet you, Jen.

You too, Nora.

Bye.

Just one big, happy family.

Hmm.

I was like this.

- Like what is that? - And she bought it?

Yeah.

I almost feel bad for her.

Fifty for mandy ain't bad.

It was paracetamol.

You're bad.