Original subtitles

Previously, on "Surrealestate"...

I've got one thing

Protecting the God‐given, market‐driven value

of your property from anything in this world...

Or the next. Don't even ask.

That should be our company slogan.

None of the others like me.

We need you.

The technical term is telekinesis.

It happened to you when you were my age?

I set things on fire.

Let them see who you really are.

I bet they'll like her.

Brock moved out.

- Really? - We're done.

If you like her, you should make a move.

Duncan.

Duncan!

You're beautiful, babe.

You're snoring, or making, like, horse sounds.

Roll over.

Okay.

- Susan. - Duncan! Welcome home!

A little bubbly for you guys and a new little friend!

Settling in okay?

Mm‐hm.

Forget million‐dollar views ‐‐ this is priceless!

You guys must be loving it!

Sophie's a little under the weather this morning.

Oh. I'm so sorry to hear that.

She'll pull through.

You know, Susan, we specifically requested

Cloud White on the ceilings,

but this seems

cloudy.

They didn't use Arctic Dove instead, did they?

Surely not.

The seller's contractor received your punch list last week.

Oh, look, I know you're just the broker agent

Just the...?

Duncan,

I have had the honor of bringing you and this property together.

Your ongoing happiness is my personal responsibility.

I'm moved to hear you say that.

Especially since you insisted on writing that precise language

into the contract and made our fees and commissions

contingent upon it.

Um, as for the paint?

It looks gorgeous, but I'll check with the painter, okay?

Mm‐hm.

The water pressure is atrocious.

It's like being drooled on by an old person.

Oh, Susan. Hey!

Sophie! Are you feeling okay?

I think it's stress.

Did Duncan tell you the disturbing news

about the Arctic Dove?

Ah.

There is always a tiny hiccup or two

moving into a new place.

These hiccups are temporary,

but the ocean outside your window is forever.

Take it in.

Theme music...

*SURREALESTATE* Season 01 Episode 04

Episode Title: "A House Is Not a Home" Aired on: August 06, 2021.

So, here's the deal:

We always pretty much focus on the high‐end custom market.

But just for a moment, let us think outside the box.

Uhh, that's a lot of boxes to think out of.

This is the Somerset Estates,

a master‐planned community where families live, work,

shop and play.

It's like they're not so much a builder,

they're more like a 3D printer.

What they are is volume.

And cash flow.

Yes! Thank you! My point exactly.

Houses are built to live in and not to look on;

therefore, let use be preferred before uniformity.

So, are you with me on this?

Always.

But Francis Bacon believes you might be full of shit.

Anyway, the developer, he reached out to me last night.

Greg Chisholm,

an old nemesis.

This is huge!

They move, like,

80 units a month.

Oh, not anymore. Their volume is way down,

they're having quality issues like crazy.

Their buyers are pretty close to the torch‐and‐pitchfork stages

and they're getting killed on social media.

Product liability lawyers are probably

creeping out of their coffins as we speak.

The developer... he is hitting the panic button, big time.

So, why'd they call us?

Because, apparently, somebody believes

that many of these issues cannot be explained away

simply by shoddy workmanship.

I told him we would check it out.

Can you handle this without me?

My influencers by the sea are turning out to be

very high‐maintenance.

And they are the ones threatening to tear up

our contract, right?

In the nicest,

most loving way.

'Kay, you go ahead.

We got this.

Greg Chisholm.

Hello, Luke.

Been a while.

I didn't know you were doing master‐planned communities.

Man's gotta earn a living.

But you'd know that,

working in that weird little niche of yours.

Hope there's no hard feelings over Balmoral Farms.

Another time. Another place.

So,

shall we get to it?

You guys want to take a look around the neighborhood?

My people'd be glad to show you around.

Thanks...

But we ride alone.

Understand you're having some QC issues.

Our quality control protocols lead the industry.

Our challenges run a bit deeper.

Identical problems happening at virtually the same time

here and here and here.

Windows shattering. Floorboards splintering.

Genuine simulated granite

Formica countertops splitting in two.

Not stuff you usually see in quality‐built new product.

Luke, we're both men of the world.

You know that with the kind of volume we do,

corners get cut; compromises get made.

There'll always be a few whiny perfectionists out there.

How many complaints are we talking about?

That is a buttload of whiny perfectionists, Greg.

So, can you help us out or not?

Why us? Why now?

My boss.

His wife's into crystals and seances and yoga and shit.

Thinks there's something more happening besides

bad construction.

Boss asked me about it; told him I knew a guy.

Send me those files.

Complaints, the development plats,

the site plans, the model schematics... everything.

We'll do what we do and we'll get back to you.

Look, Luke,

if you can help us out here now, we can

make it worth your while.

Like you did at Balmoral Farms?

You picking up anything?

This feels like

the least haunted place in North America.

We are looking for wandering souls

in a soulless environment.

Hardly seems productive.

That's why I like the Donovan place.

It's a creepshow that dares to look like a creepshow, right?

What?

Something odd.

Kieran! Tiffany!

Lunch is ready.

Ah!

Okay, where were we? Um... Items

twenty seven forward are

incessant pounding noise;

light switches have weird texture;

water pooling on floors.

More like "seeps".

Just appears... it's not like we're spilling it.

She knows, Duncan.

Well, I'm sorry, you asked me to be more thorough.

Right, but you're mansplaining what pooling is.

You know, it really hurts me

when you just throw that term around.

Sometimes it's just explaining!

With a penis.

Guys, let's just get through this, okay?

Arctic Dove, not Cloud White

and wobbly walls.

Sorry, I...

Ca‐can you unpack that for me? Wobbly?

Every time I walk by this mirror, it's, like, moving.

And it happens upstairs, too.

I need mirrors to be impeccable. I'm an influencer, so...

Sophie,

they're your mirrors.

They work fine everywhere else.

So the problem must be with the walls.

Mm‐hm.

Let me look around; take a few measurements.

Check a few colour chips. And then let's talk.

So, we have what?

17 houses with spontaneous breakages

and system failures. Phil?

Dirt is clean.

No sign of environmental engagement

or histocultural plangency.

Augie?

As we wandered through the neighborhood

there was a sudden spike

in our Photoreactive Terraform Analysis.

Multiple locations.

It vanished as quickly as it appeared.

Well, we are missing something.

How many different models do they have?

Six.

All named after famous forts.

The Halifax. The Delaware. The Independence. The Sumter.

The McHenry. The...

What?

Ah...

I thought you said famous farts.

Can you put up the aerial plat?

All the places that stuff happened are marked with an X.

Can you overlay the location of different models?

Bingo.

They're all Delawares.

So, here's what I'm going to do:

some of these I can get a contractor out

to fix right away.

As in tonight?

It's 8:30.

Tomorrow, probably.

Uh, the rest, um, I'd like to bring to my team.

It‐it may be the property itself has some eccentricities.

We'll get some experts to sort them all out, okay?

We'd really appreciate that.

Because we're still within the five days to register complaints

so if they're not fixed... we don't want to do this...

We'd hate to do this...

I would weep like Dumbo's mother.

But, then we'd dry our tears and I'd have the bank

stop the transfer of your fees as specified in your contract.

Okay. Thanks, Susie Q! Drive safe, okay?

Meg, you really know how to pick 'em.

And bam! Into the ditch!

I had to call a tow truck.

And it was a guy on a horse?

We could have sold it as an equestrian property.

Upped the price.

Ah, this place was empty for years.

Run‐down cottage on an overgrown lot

with a killer view

before the owner decided to finally renovate... cash out.

We need Phil and August up there to find out what...

really is

what?

Excuse us?

Remember when you told me it was better for Phil and August

- not to meet clients? - Mm‐hm.

Duncan and Sophie are literally the clients

you were talking about.

Okay.

Tell them to take a few days somewhere nice...

spa, hotel, whatever... on us.

And then we'll do our thing while they're gone.

By the way, my car's in the shop.

Zooey! It is your lucky day.

You get to drive Susan out to the coast.

And leave her for dead, right?

This is why we don't have H. R.

Road trip!

Road trip.

So, here's the thing:

I still cannot fathom, for the life of me,

why Luke hired you.

I mean,

Phil has those amazing research chops

and August?

He can duct tape a KitchenAid mixer

to a walkie talkie and use it to summon a Sumerian trickster God.

And me?

Well, it's self‐explanatory.

But why you?

I'm a closer.

That's another way of saying I'm profit.

You're overhead.

The Delaware.

That model's been nothing but trouble since we built it.

Anything special about it?

Just the sunroom.

Our CEO was going through an artsy‐fartsy period

and he ripped off...

that is, he was inspired by

the house that his partner had designed for himself.

Stuck a big sunroom on the back.

At first, we called it a "soothing solarium"

until the focus groups pointed us toward

"inspiring conservatory".

You know, move in... become a tortured artist.

Hang on. Here we go...

From the front it looks like most of our other product.

But around the back and...

Boom!

Ese sold like crazy for a while,

but fell off fast.

Today's buyer values multi‐functional spaces

and gourmet kitchens with cantilevered eat‐in areas

more than inspiration.

Wonder...

Any chance in talking to the original designer?

The partner?

They had a falling out.

He left.

I think he died a few years later.

What about the original house? Can you get me an address?

Probably.

Look, Luke,

if you find out what's causing all this, don't mess around.

Kill it. Destroy it. Send this thing back to hell,

or wherever these things go.

Make me a hero to my boss and his whack‐job wife.

You help me parlay this into a sweet promotion,

I'll make it worth your while!

Just get me that address, okay?

Turn left and your destination

will be on your right.

You have arrived.

Go away!

Ooh!

You're Bernard Nightingale.

You talkin' to me?

Talkin'?

How's that work?

It's a long story.

Mind if I come in?

No. Not there.

You designed this, Bernard?

Bernie, please.

Yes, I designed it.

Very nice.

It's a hellhole!

I designed it

for her.

My fiancée.

Every inch,

every corner.

Just for her.

And the sunroom.

Lucy loved the sunshine.

What happened?

Six months after we...

moved into our forever home

she ran off with my own brother.

I'm sorry.

It gets better. It gets much better.

Not only did I have to live in this place, but...

my old partner

the bastard ‐

he dug my plans out of the trash and built more.

A whole bunch more!

Every one of them a knife.

A knife stabbing into my guts.

You know, what you are doing in here

happens at every house like this.

Yeah, you know.

This house

full of misery.

So anybody who ever lives here is gonna be miserable, too.

It's my pain,

but they're gonna goddamn feel it!

This paint color is fine!

These people are insane.

Hey! There's people working down here!

Geez.

Hey, these ninja puddles are real.

Oh.

It's getting pretty late. We should probably go soon.

Ah, Duncan and Sophie complained about disturbances

at night.

Late.

Which we need to assess.

On site.

In real time.

Don't even joke about it.

It's a sleepover, girlfriend.

Saw a liquor cabinet, right?

Oh, hells, yes.

Yeah. I'm going to kill Luke.

Working late.

I've heard that you have something

you may need to dispatch.

Oh, I hope it doesn't come to that.

Just a sad, old, pissed‐off spirit

that can't move on.

I know the feeling.

I'm afraid he's gonna hurt somebody.

Like a kid in one of those houses.

Not on purpose, but he's...

At the risk of invoking an unpleasant memory,

I would remind you of the Travis house.

Point taken.

Perhaps Phil and I should come along?

Susan may need help on the coast.

I'm going to need you to stand by here.

Unless you run into something unprecedented

this should do the trick.

I'm told that our client requested that you...

quote...

send it back to hell, unquote.

This should allow you to instantly render the entity

to irreparable particles.

Death

beyond death.

If the moment comes,

don't hesitate.

You set him on fire?

No!

Just the draperies.

And the waste basket.

I melted his printer.

Ooh! I don't believe you.

Who knows about this?

Luke.

My mom.

The guys at a certain Del Taco that is no longer standing.

I still don't believe you.

Ouch.

That Livingston guy.

God, he sounds like the worst.

Ugh! I know, right?

But, at the time,

I still thought that Bob Livingston

was my soul mate.

Sorry. What, you don't believe in soul mates, either?

- Come on! - Soul mates are...

purely mythical beasts.

Like Bigfoot.

Or Tom Cruise.

You just haven't found him yet.

Have you?

Mm.

Kyle Sommer.

His family moved to town my sophomore year of high school.

God, I was a completely different person with him.

I was happier. I was wittier.

I wore pastels.

Once.

See?

That's a soul mate.

I graduated from high school,

I went away to college and Kyle didn't.

Only found out later that he'd hurt his back

working construction.

So, he started taking oxy to handle the pain.

And my Kyle was never a go‐halfway kind of person.

He started taking more and then he started dealing

to pay for his habit.

Salesman of the month.

That was my Kyle.

Um,

he was dead by summer.

They buried him in his letterman's jacket.

The same one I'd worn all through senior year.

Mm.

So, if he was my soul mate,

I guess I'm pretty much out of the game.

To Kyle.

And all the other guys who don't deserve us.

Mm.

I am going to go sleep in the car.

You coming?

I am going to stay here.

There could be some pheranormal...

Phermanomal...

There could be some spookies

I need to observe.

Mm‐hm.

Mm.

Shit!

No! No!

No! No!

I heard Zooey's car horn and then...

they were gone.

They walked away? Or, like, disappeared?

They were there and then

they weren't.

They looked mad.

Pissed off sailors.

I wonder why.

I coughed up about ten gallons of water last night, so

I'm a little out of sorts myself.

Did you save any of it?

Hm.

Okay.

Okay, I'll head to the village historical society.

There's got to be something they left out of the history books.

She looks so peaceful.

Almost like she's dead.

Hm. You wish.

Come on, Greg.

He's a sad old guy with a broken heart.

What are we? A non‐profit?

Blow him away!

I thought you didn't believe in these things.

Who cares what I believe in.

I've got a CEO with a wife who believes.

I've got homeowners who've just had trees fall

in their front yards and their own personal earthquakes.

I've got lawyers using words like criminal liability

and class action.

Luke, double your fee and an ongoing retainer

if you off him now.

Be smart.

Hello.

Hey, August.

Who was that architect you used to go skydiving with?

Come on, come on, come on. Pick up. Pick up.

A lighthouse?

Th‐the only lighthouse is miles up the coast.

No! This is the old lighthouse.

They tore it down in 1887!

But it was right there! Right where you're standing!

Freaky.

So, it's this foggy day in 1811 and the lighthouse keeper

decides to go into town to see his wife.

He must have fallen asleep, I guess,

because he wakes up with her in the middle of the night

and realizes, "Oh, god! It's pitch black".

So, he's‐he's racing his horse to the lighthouse

because he's gotta light the lamp.

It's dark as the grave, you understand.

I mean, there isn't even the moon!

And then he hears the most awful sound.

Brace yourselves!

No. NO!

A ship comes in too close.

They can't see, right? No lighthouse.

No moon.

So it crashes on the rocks.

Nearly a hundred souls lost.

- Oh, God. - Yeah.

People living in the house after all of these years

must have triggered, like, something.

Started it all over again.

The sailors are coming!

They want revenge on the tardy horseman,

but they will settle for you!

Oh, perfect.

And there's nothing we can do?

Yeah! You can get out of there!

So, if the vengeful sailors

don't fill our lungs with seawater and kill us,

the influencers will unleash their Twitter mob.

Kind of a coin toss.

We're staying.

You're staying? Oh, my god. Okay, um...

Okay, okay, okay. This is what I need you to do:

I need you to find a very big,

very bright light in the house! Like right now!

The brightest thing you can find...

a spotlight, a sunlamp...

and you need to get it up on the roof, as high as you can!

There's really not...

You need to look like a lighthouse right now!

Ohh!

Wha...? This is the brightest you found!?

It has a three‐colour option. That has to count for something.

We have to get it up on the roof!

Seriously? Susan, the cord is way too short!

We'll never get it up there!

- Wait here. - What?

Heave!

Heave! Heave!

All hands!

Heave!

Heave!

Heave!

Hey! They're turning!

Susan, they're turning!

Heave!

We did it!

Wow!

That was...

impressive.

No, seriously, we could, like,

rent you out for Viking funerals.

If this were a movie, this is where I'd bring in

Eternal Flame by The Bangles.

I'm getting really tired of looking at your face.

I sell real estate. I get that all the time.

Leave me alone.

Every time I see you,

you're always in here.

Never in the rest of the house.

This is the sunroom.

It was her room, right?

The room you built for her.

Look at this.

Ttle coffee?

Mm. No, thank you.

Greg Chisholm.

Susan Ireland. I'm Luke's associate.

Lucky Luke.

So, where is he?

Greg. Thanks for coming.

So, did you fix my little problem?

Oh, I think so.

The solution is simple.

It's not easy, but it's simple.

Sunroom of the Delaware was Bernie's gift

to the woman he loved.

She should burn in hell!

But, uh, Greg, the problem is is that this sunroom

was part of a design that your company

unlawfully acquired from Mr. Nightingale

and exploited.

Now, this is a huge problem, Greg.

But... he's dead.

Copyright protection extends 70 years

beyond the death of the author.

So suck it!

Your company can owe Mr. Nightingale's estate

millions of dollars in royalties and penalties.

But I think we found a solution.

Phil?

We propose a retrofit to every Delaware standing;

an extra room,

the multi‐functional space today's buyers are looking for.

Ain't that right, Greg?

Bottom line:

no more places like this one on the face of the earth.

No more quality issues,

except the ones resulting from your own

lousy workmanship.

No more synchronized shitshows for your homeowners.

Now, you make these modifications

in the next 30 days and we don't sue you

into the stone age.

Everybody wins! Heh!

This is about Balmoral Farms, isn't it?

Do we have a deal or not?

You can forget about your double fee and your retainer

and you will never work for us again.

Oh, our final invoice is in the mail.

But Greg?

Before you go to sleep at night

you might want to take an extra look under your bed.

Now, see, doesn't that feel...?

I'm glad you didn't molecularly deconstruct

a sad old man. He moved on so easily.

Unfinished business.

And the influencers paid in full.

They're temporarily happy.

Would have been nice to get some of those

sweet Somerset commissions.

Principle isn't a principle until it costs you something.

Plus, this guy once told me,

"They always come back."

Wise man.

He has his moments.

Luke,

what the hell happened at Balmoral Farms?

Remind me to tell you sometime.

Hey!

Not on time, but less late.

Baby steps.

Look...

Luke, I know what this is.

A meal out in public,

gear down, let's stay friends.

What'd I miss?

Everything.

My intentions, my explanation.

It's just...

I knew I should have put together some Keynote slides.

Are you hungry?

Not in the least.

Let's just walk.

Can we just walk?

So, you don't want to come to my house anymore.

How do you feel about that?

It's just too much.

I don't want to see you in the same place where she is.

- It's too weird. - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

I realize that living in the past is toxic.

I spend my days trying to help lost souls move on.

Maybe I should take my own advice.

I guess we'll have to go to your place then.

Which, I believe, is on the left.

You want to come up?

Do you want me to?

So much it's scary.