Original subtitles

You've got it! Come on! Do it, babe!

Come on, babe. Push!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooooh!

Push, push.

You can do it!

Push!

Ooh, it's a big 'un. Oh, I can feeI it coming.

(grunts)

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, dear!

- One more push. Oh! - Come on!

One more!

Come on! Try and push!

(increasingIy rapid beeps)

I can see its head. Come on, Mrs Smash.

(screams)

It's a fIyer!

- (appIause) - WeII done!

It's a boy, Mr Smash.

That was the first day ofmy life, ever.

- (baby cries) - (sobbing) Grab this, Doc.

For about 30 seconds,...

..my mum and dad were the happiest people in the world.

- (doctor) Say cheese! - And then it happened.

(baby farts)

(gurgIes)

(farts through baby intercom)

And it never stopped happening.

Your turn, darIing.

(yawns)

(steamy whoosh)

(Ioud fart)

(china smashes)

(farts)

Go to sIeep.

(farts)

Dad found my problem really hard.

But for a while, he coped really well.

(muted fart)

(expIosion)

One time,...

..he really thought he'd solved it.

- (farts) - l'd play in my playpen for hours...

..while he'd read the paper.

(farts)

(gurgIes)

(farts)

Uh!

- (fart roars) - Aaah!

That time, Dad went to hospital for ages.

When he got home, he had to work nearly all the time.

(mother) Don't go, pIease!

ln the end, Dad decided to go to work forever.

- (car engine starts) - I can't do it any more!

- (waiIs) - (sobs) Get away from the car.

(mother waiIs)

After that, my sister Denise didn't talk to me much.

Even my mum went a bit quiet.

Got your Iunchbox?

So l was really looking forward to going to school...

..and making some friends.

Give Mummy a kiss.

- (farts) - Oh.

(teacher) Morning, children!

(children) Morning, Miss Little.

Children, this is Patrick Smash.

Patrick Smash, say hello.

(Ioud fart)

lt wasn't a good start.

- (chiIdren chant) Fart boy! - Sit down, chiIdren.

All the kids pointed and shouted.

Except one.

That was the day l met Alan.

(chuckIes and farts)

We did everything together.

l don't know what it was, wejust clicked.

Alan was great. He liked me for who l was.

And he didn't care about my problem.

(Ioud fart)

Alan had no sense ofsmell.

Alan was my best friend.

Alan was my only friend.

But every day was a constant struggle with my problem.

And every day, l tried to avoid...

..Damon.

Look who it isn't. Patrick Smash.

What are you doing in my corner of the pIayground, Smash?

You ain't nothing but a big, fat Ioser.

Give us your Iunchbox.

(chiIdren shout and Iaugh)

- Ugh. What's this crap? - It's speciaI food,...

..to heIp me with my probIem.

No, it's not. It's crap!

I want jam tomorrow. AII right?

HeIIo, Patrick.

- How progresses the day? - AII right, thanks, AIan.

Oh, no! We've been invaded by creatures from the pIanet Zorg!

(boys giggIe)

The nearest star, Proxima Centaura, is four Iight years away.

It is debatabIe that this steIIar body...

..hoIds within its gravitationaI puII...

..a pIanetary system of any kind,...

..Iet aIone one that goes by the appeIIation of Zorg.

- If we widen our... - Shut up, Zorg boy.

Good one, Damon.

You suck, Zorg boy!

(kicks Iunchbox) Idiot.

What am I, Patrick?

Um...

AIan?

I'm a bIithering idiot.

My attempt to embarrass them with my astrophysics...

..was, quite frankIy, a fooIish waste of time.

AIan, why do you taIk in that funny way?

I speak with cIarity and precision.

The abiIity to utiIise Ianguage is just one of my many taIents,...

..taIents which wiII enabIe me to reaIise my dream.

- What dream? - I am an inventor, Patrick.

CurrentIy, I am engaged in the creation of a machine...

..that wiII fIy without depIeting the earth's precious resources.

I wiII buiId that machine.

I wiII win that competition. I am AIan. I am me.

That is what makes me strong.

(# sings in ItaIian)

Sir John, are you... are you aII right?

Fine, dear Iady.

It is, quite simpIy, my craft.

Sir John Osgood, chiIdren.

The second-greatest tenor in the worId!

Thank you very much, Sir John.

- I'm so gratefuI. - PIeasure, headmistress.

- (chuckIes) - AII stand.

Right, you Iot. AbsoIute siIence!

Not a peep. Not a sound. Not a whisper!

Not a breath.

Let us pray...

..that when you grow from chiIdren...

..into sensibIe aduIts,...

..you wiII have a taIent cIose to mine.

Let us give thanks for the gift...

..of my music.

Let us pray...

..for heaIthy ticket saIes for my upcoming worId tour.

And now, siIence,...

..for a few moments of inner contempIation.

Uh...

Ah!

(Iong, Ioud fart)

(chiIdren groan)

(steamy whoosh)

(headmistress) Smash!

You have ruined Sir John's visit!

You are, without a shadow of a doubt,...

..the fouIest IittIe creature to waIk the earth.

Now, get out!

That was the worst day ofmy life, ever.

Fart boy!

(Headmistress) I'm sorry. TerribIy sorry.

WouId you Iike to retire to the staff room...

..for a Bourbon biscuit and a cup of tea?

There you go, sweetheart.

There's your beans.

l'd had enough.

l was fed up.

At moments like this, l'd think about my dream.

(TV) The latest rocket in the Zeus programme...

(Patrick) l dreamed that one day l'd become a spaceman.

(TV) ..for a series ofcomplex, highly technical experiments...

..in zero gravity.

Oh. And there she goes.

There she does indeed go.

''Dear Space Centre. Today l watched the space launch on TV. '

''l want to be a spaceman. ''

''But l have a problem. ''

''l cannot control my arse. ''

''Would that be a worry?''

''Love, Patrick Smash. ''

(TV) l'mjoined now by General Ed Sheppard,...

..commander-in-chiefofoperations at the US Space Centre.

General, that was an incredible launch.

You must be... over the moon.

- (chuckIes) - lndeed we are, Todd.

Tell us, General, what makes an astronaut?

l'll tell you what makes an astronaut, Todd.

You gotta be focused, determined...

..and in complete control ofyourself.

But most ofall, all ofmy astronauts,...

..each and every one has worked hard...

..to overcome their problems.

And each one ofthem...

..is a uniquely gifted individual.

(Todd) The crew must be really special people.

General, thank you for taking the time to talk to us today.

- And good luck with the mission. - Thank you, Todd.

And cake news.:

Today, a local lady achieved national...

Overcome my probIems.

UniqueIy gifted individuaI.

AIan.

(Alan) Fascinating!

So you wouId Iike me to eIiminate...

..that which has made you an outsider...

..in the eyes of society?

No, AIan. It's my arse.

I want you to make something to stop me farting.

My fIying machine is proving to be...

..a greater chaIIenge than anticipated.

It shouId work, but it doesn't.

The fIight competition is stiII a week away,...

..so a day's respite wiII cIear my mind.

Yes, Patrick.

I will construct a machine and before you know it,...

..you wiII be in totaI controI of your sphincter.

Does that mean you're going to heIp me?

Quite so, Patrick. Now, Ieave me.

(echoing) There is work to be done.

So with Alan's help, l felt sure we would succeed.

But things were already happening around us...

..that would change our lives...

..in ways we could never have guessed.

(shutter whirs and cIicks)

(fiIing of metaI)

(eIectric saw buzzes)

(driII whirs)

(banging)

(hissing and pinging)

(buzzing)

(dogs bark)

- (cock crows) - (farts)

Thunderpants!

AII right, Patrick, we're ready for you!

(squeak of rubber stretching)

- (sighs) Ah! - Good.

The thunderpants wiII contain the emissions...

..in the airtight rubber Iining...

..within the rigid copper exoskeIeton.

Now, evacuate into the hoIding unit.

Evacuate into the hoIding unit.

The Iunchbox.

There's a button on the handIe.

(hissing)

A-ha!

The gases have been vented into this Iunchbox...

..which wiII be abIe to hoId a fuII day's emissions...

..in perfect safety.

What do I do when it's fuII up?

Nothing couId be simpIer.

(buzzer)

(squeIching)

(whistIe bIows)

(beII tings)

Gas transfer successful.

TotaI containment.

What am I?

l'm a blithering idiot.

A bIithering idiot?

I'm a genius!

(# Richard Strauss.: Also Sprach Zarathustra)

Alan had done it.

He had managed to make me the same as everybody else.

lt was the best day ofmy life, ever.

(rubber creaks)

AII stand.

Not a peep. Not a sound.

Not a whisper. Not a breath.

All ofmy astronauts, each and every one,...

..has worked hard...

..to overcome their problems.

And each one ofthem is a uniquely gifted individual.

HeIIo, Patrick. How progresses the day?

It's great, AIan.

I feeI Iike new! These thunderpants are briIIiant.

A first-cIass engineering job.

CIearIy, continued monitoring of the situation is required.

But I have no doubt...

..these pants wiII withstand the test of time.

AIan,...

SIight adjustment.

AIan, now you've soIved my probIem,...

..can you find my unique gift?

Ah! That got it.

Your what? Gift? Oh, er, nothing couId be simpIer.

You don't have one.

(Damon) Oi, you!

Why are you in my corner of the pIayground, Smash?

But... I thought that's your corner.

Nah. I decided I didn't Iike that corner.

I've chosen this corner instead.

AII right, fart boy, what's for Iunch?

- Don't, Damon, don't! - I... I...

I think it wouId be most unwise for you to disengage that...

Push off, Zorg boy! This had better be jam, Smash.

(farting)

'Gas transfer successful. '

- (chiIdren jeer) - Bet he's not farting now!

I warned you, fart boy. I gave you every chance.

What d'you do? You fart in my face.

WeII, now you're for it!

Get him!

(shouting)

(cIoth rips)

(metaI cIanks)

(cheers)

(Ioud fart)

(chiIdren groan)

(boy) Fart boy.

(chiIdren chant)

(chanting) Fart boy! Fart boy!

That was the worst day ofmy life,...

..ever.

(TV) ln space news today,...

..the electrical systems on board the space station lcarus...

..have caused concern.

lcarus Control tell us there is no cause for alarm.

HeIIo, Patrick. Mind if I come in?

- I missed you at schooI. - I'm not going back.

- I toId Mum I'm iII. - I repaired the thunderpants.

I don't care. I know now, AIan.

You toId me, I haven't got a unique gift.

My dream's never going to come true.

But the thunderpants work.

They're stronger than ever now.

You can try to avoid Damon.

- That's your dream right there. - That's not my dream.

- I thought you wanted a cure. - I did.

But that wasn't my dream.

I want to be a spaceman.

I've aIways wanted to be a spaceman,...

..ever since I was smaII.

I Iove rockets and I Iove space.

If I was a spaceman, I couId fIy into space...

..and everybody wiII know it was me, Patrick Smash.

I couId Iook down at the earth and it wouId be tiny.

PeopIe Iike Damon wouId be so smaII,...

..you couIdn't even see them.

You couId hardIy even see the country they were in.

And they'd Iook up to space...

..and know that I was up there and I was free.

Patrick Smash,...

..spaceman.

That's what they'II say.

Oh, good heavens, Patrick! Have you Iost your mind?

Why,...

..to be an astronaut, you need training.

You need to be at a physicaI peak.

You need to have passed exams at the highest IeveIs.

Yeah.

Of course.

Patrick? I... I didn't mean...

I... I... Oh.

(sighs)

Good Lord!

What is it? TeII me.

Look at this. The boy's got two stomachs. IncredibIe.

Like a cow.

UnbeIievabIe. I've never seen the Iike.

Young Patsy is a unique individuaI.

- He's a medicaI phenomenon. - But why?

Why? Haven't a cIue.

But for some unknown reason,...

..Mother Nature has bestowed upon IittIe Patsy...

..a compIeteIy useIess gift.

What was that bit about the... gift, Mr Doctor?

Gift. I said you've got a gift, young man.

Do I have to syringe out your ears as weII?

Let's get this young sIacker back to schooI forthwith,...

- Mrs Crash. - Smash.

The doctor himselfcalled me a unique individual.

A medical phenomenon.

He said l had a... gift.

That was the best day ofmy life, ever.

But what happened next was destined to change my life...

..in ways l could never have guessed.

(# tenor sings in ltalian with piano)

# Ecco Ia piu aIta nota di mai

# Mai

# (voice breaks) Mai... #

(# singing continues)

# Ecco la piu

# Alta nota di mai

- # Mai - (Ioud fart)

(tunefuI squeaI)

(tunefuI squeaI continues)

- (gIass smashes) - (fart)

You!

Boy! Yes, you.

What's your name?

No!

Don't run away!

(grunts and puffs)

Sir John!

That note! It was beautifuI.

SimpIy remarkabIe.

Amazing.

OnIy PIacido P PIaceedo has ever reached it before.

UntiI now, sir.

Gosh! You couId be the worId's number one.

What? Oh, no, no.

That was the chiId who...

The chiId, sir? I...

The chiId!

You were right, Patrick. You do have a gift. Why,...

..the configuration of stomachs...

..puts me in mind of a fission chamber...

..coupIed with some kind of propuIsion moduIe.

This is exactIy what I've been Iooking for!

Yes!

I might even use the thunderpants.

This couId be revoIutionary! Patrick, my friend,...

..my fIying machine wiII succeed after aII.

What am I, Patrick?

- Er,... - (Alan's voice) l'm a genius.

- A genius? - No! No, no, no. WeII, yes.

ActuaIIy, I am a genius, but I am aIso an imbeciIe.

The very thing I've been trying to contain...

..is the very thing...

..that wiII make us saiI through the heavens!

It's the annuaI madness...

..of the non-assisted fIight competition.

A handsome cash purse awaits the first man or woman...

..who can traveI 100 feet...

..without the use of motors, engines, power ceIIs or fossiI fueIs.

WorId-famous tenor Sir John Osgood,...

..EngIand's answer to PIacido P PIaceedo,...

..has joined us to present the winning prize.

Sir John has found time in his busy scheduIe,...

..rehearsing for his worId tour,...

..where he hopes to reach the high note...

..in BartoreIIi's UnperformabIe Seventh.

Just pop you there.

Ladies and gentIemen,...

..pIease put your hands together...

..for the second-best tenor in the worId,...

Sir John...

- ..Osgood! - (cheering)

- Radishes? Curried eggs? - Check!

- Runner beans? Courgettes? - Check!

- Aubergine? Cabbage? - Check!

- Spinach? - Check!

Sprouts?

No. You said you'd bring sprouts.

I most assuredIy did not.

You did, AIan. I remember.

You said!

I can't do it without the sprouts, AIan! I need 'em!

I need 'em! I need 'em!

I need...

CaIm down, Patrick. CaIm down.

It's me. AIan.

We are Patrick and AIan, the team.

With your gift, my genius and our friendship,...

..we can never go wrong!

- (appIause) - Thanks, AIan.

Thanks for being a friend.

First up,...

..the fIying Dutchman himseIf, Vincent Vincente,...

..with his magnificent creation,...

..AIbatross IV.

(appIause)

(announcer) OK. When you're ready,...

..take it away, Vincent!

Now, isn't that beautifuI?

Doesn't that remind you of an aIbatross?

Oh, dear. Perhaps more of a dodo. It's going nowhere.

(creaks)

Next up, Don Coaty with his vortex technoIogy...

..Hurricane of Power!

(cheering)

(cIoth rips)

And off they go, the FIight of Fancy!

Oh.

He's going... He's going... Oh!

A big round of appIause for Mrs Bishop!

Goodbye, CharIes!

Ooh!

LesIey Parsons, if that takes off,...

..I'II eat my hat!

(appIause and cheering)

Oh, dear!

Bye-bye, Stephen. Have a nice time in hospitaI.

Oh, it's the Birdman himseIf,...

..Jackie Jackson. Off you go, Jackie!

- (thump) - Nice to see you back, Jackie.

Oh, and, er, finaIIy,...

..we have... Patrick Smash...

..and AIan A AIIen,...

..with Thunderpants II. Hm.

WeII, seems to be two young boys.

My apoIogies. I know you aII want your tea.

Let's get a coupIe of shots of these cIowns.

Quick as you can, boys.

(chatter)

Off you go.

- Ready, Patrick? - I think so, AIan.

ShaII I fart now?

Engage.

(Ioud fart)

(fart continues)

Look at this, everyone! Gary, wave them off!

They're moving!

They're moving forward.

This is absoIuteIy amazing!

They're actuaIIy fIying!

Go on!

(fart continues)

(whining and rattIing)

(fart continues)

(crowd groans)

(fart continues)

Keep it up, Patrick. I'II get it!

(crowd) Phwoar!

(spIutters)

- (tunefuI squeaI) - The note!

I haven't got much Ieft in me, AIan.

- Keep going! You can do it. - It's no good, I can't!

Do it for me.

(Ioud fart, crowd cheers)

Come on!

Cheer them on, Iadies and gentIemen!

They can do it!

Come on! This is the big one.

Ladies and gentIemen,...

..this is an historic day!

- (cheering) - Patrick, we did it!

Patrick, Iet's make our next project Thunderpants III.

A giant rocket with enough power to soar into space!

WeII done, boys!

With your gift, my genius and our friendship,...

..we'II never go wrong.

..as they crossed the finish Iine.

Patrick Smash and AIan A AIIen...

(TV) ..in the most remarkable flying machine...

..this reporter has ever seen.

(Osgood) Patrick Smash andAlan Allen!

Well done!

Ladies and gentlemen,...

..l give you the outright winners of 100 English pounds!

- (crowd cheers) - (phone rings)

- Johnson. - Sir.

- Well? - Yes, sir, they did it. They won.

- Excellent. - RemarkabIe, sir.

(Patrick) So that was it. l'd conquered my problem...

..and found my gift.

Alan was going to help me be a spaceman.

But first,...

..l had some unfinished business to take care of.

- (boys Iaugh) - Oh, here's Zorg boy.

I can't beIieve my eyes, Smash. You've got some nerve.

I finished you at schooI...

..and now you show your stupid farty face in my pIace?

It's not your pIace. It's mine.

Oh! The worm has turned...

..into a fart boy.

WeII, fart boy, prepare to get sIapped.

(groans, Ioud fart)

(boys cough and spIutter)

FIaming 'eck. What's that?

(coughing and spIuttering)

Go away!

(pants anxiousIy)

Uh! Get off! Uh...

You... You... You... You're a freak!

No!

(shouts) No!

(wind howIs)

(Damon's screams echo)

(expIosion)

(Ieaves rustIe)

That was the best day ofmy life,...

..ever.

Yes?

HeIIo, Mr AIIen. I just saw AIan going away.

Is he going to be Iong?

Because we need to do my dream.

I see. WeII, AIan has moved to pastures new.

Oh. He Ieft a missive.

''Patrick, my friend,...

..regretfully,...

..my genius is very much needed elsewhere at present. ''

''Good luck with your dream. Sincerely, Alan A Allen. ''

Is he going to be Iong, then?

Let me make this perfectIy cIear, Patrick Smash.

AIan has gone to another country. He won't be back.

Another country?

(sighs)

l couldn't believe it.

Alan had gone.

l was all alone.

l didn't know what to do.

lt was the worst day ofmy life, ever.

As the situation aboard lcarus reaches critical,...

..US Space Control...

..has admitted they are unable to launch a rescue mission.

General Ed Sheppard had this to say.

(reporters shout questions)

The prayers ofthe world...

..are going out to those brave souls...

..who are stranded up there...

..between heaven and earth.

The boys and girls at the Space Centre...

..are doing all they can to launch a rescue mission.

But l gotta tell ya,...

..we're plumb out ofideas.

We're in trouble.

We need a miracle.

(doorbeII)

(TV) Ed Sheppard there, speaking from lcarus Control earlier today.

Young man, I wiII not take no for an answer.

I wish to take you on a worId tour with me, Sir John Osgood.

You'II see things on the way you've onIy ever dreamt of,...

..we'II visit countries...

Other countries?

NaturaIIy, yes. Other countries.

AII right.

You'II hear me sing every night and you'II... What?

AII right, then. I'II go to other countries.

Ah...

I'II just get my things.

Right.

It's quite a day for you, boy.

So, from out ofthe blue, l'd been offered a chance,...

..a chance to go to other countries.

lfl went with Sir John, maybe l could findAlan...

..and we could be Patrick andAlan, the team, again.

l would take that chance. l would go with Sir John.

l would sing with my arse.

So, night after night, l did the high bit with my arse.

(tuneful squeal)

(wild cheering)

(speaks Spanish)

And day after day, l searched the world for my best friend.

(tunefuI squeaI)

(cheering and appIause)

(whistIing and cheering)

(tunefuI squeaI)

(cheering and whistIing)

(crowd) Encore!

(whistIing and appIause)

(sniffs)

(mutters)

(tunefuI squeaI)

Again, boy. Again.

But Mr John,...

- ..I'm so hungry. - Poppycock, boy.

Must practise!

If you don't finish, you won't get any pudding.

Don't you see, boy?

We can sing the high note now.

We're at the top now.

Staying at the top, that's the chaIIenge.

Practice. It's the onIy way.

I think I'II sIip out for a IittIe fettucine a Ia fIamadora,...

..with a nice chianti.

Practice!

(tunefuI squeaI)

(hoteI manager) Signor PIaceedo, you must wait.

Signor Osgood, he say no visitors!

No visitors(!) He wiII see me.

Ma, I'ho detto che non po entrare, e prohibito.

- Sono iI direttore di questo aIbergo. - (tunefuI squeaI)

O, Santa Madonna, ma che mi voIete farmi uscire tutti pazzi oggi!

Lo sai che ti dico, ma vafancuIo puro ti, mi fai antipatia, mi fai!

- (farts) - A chiId?

Here?

You, boy!

You know who I am?

You're the worId's number two.

(shivers) Never.

I am PIacido PIaceedo,...

..the greatest singer in the worId!

So, teII me,...

..IittIe boy,...

..what do you do?

I carry Mr John's bags, make him drinks and sandwiches...

..and I'm searching the worId for my friend AIan...

..so we can do my dream.

Oh, and I sing the high bit with my arse, Mr Ceedo.

But that's a secret between me and Mr John.

You are singing the high bit...

..with your arse?

Hm.

It might just work.

(hissing)

(# sings in ItaIian)

(deep rumbIing)

(audience gasp)

(tunefuI squeaI)

(gIass smashes)

(cries out)

(farts)

(tunefuI squeaI dies, fart continues)

(farting continues)

(squeaIs with deIight)

- Fake! - (audience gasps)

- He is a fake! - (audience gasps)

(muttering)

It's the boy...

..who is singing the note...

..through his short trousers!

- (audience gasps) - No! Madonna!

It is I and onIy I,...

..PIacido P PIaceedo,...

..who is the number one singer...

..in the worId!

And you, sir, are number two!

(astonished gasps)

(audience) Bravissimo! PIaceedo!

(creaking)

Ah!

- (crash) - (audience screams)

(commotion)

- Read all about it! - Latest edition!

Flatulent boy held!

(ltalian reporter) ll mondo dell' opera, un crudele assassino...

(Japanese reporter) Kyo, sekai namba wan no opera...

(Spanish reporter) Todo esta revuelto....

(US reporter) The opera world was in turmoil today...

..when the world's number one opera star was slain,...

..in a complex conspiracy...

..led by criminal mastermind Patrick Smash.

Placido P Placeedo was killed instantly...

..when a spotlight in Rome's Roma opera house...

..fell from the lighting rig, shaken loose by Patrick Smash.

(reporter) Are you a murderer, Patrick?

l didn't mean to kill Mr Ceedo.

And l didn't know it was wrong to sing the high bit with my arse.

ljust want to find my friendAlan.

ljust want to be Patrick andAlan, the team, again.

l want to put my gift and your genius together,...

..so we can reach for the stars.

l miss you, Alan.

And l'm scared.

(reporters and policemen shout)

Is that him?

Yes, that's him.

That's Patrick.

Read all about it!

Latest news! Fart boy on trial!

- (customer) Six Heralds, please. - (vendor) Get your papers 'ere!

- Echo, please. - Latest news on fart boy trial!

World holds its breath for fart trial!

(court clerk) Silence in court!

Ladies and gentIemen of the jury,...

..PIacido P PIaceedo...

..was without doubt the worId's greatest opera singer.

A charming, taIented man,...

..who, as I shaII show during this triaI,...

..was humiIiated and then cut down...

..by this, this...

..eviI chiId.

(coughs from gaIIery)

(Osgood) I feeI such a fooI.

I gave him every chance and he threw it aII in my face.

Then...

..he murdered the best friend...

..I ever had.

Everybody at schooI was scared of him.

He attacked me for no reason with that...

..weapon of his.

- (muttering) - Order! Order!

I have taught Patrick Smash...

..for five years,...

..at the end of which time,...

..I Iooked behind his eyes and I saw...

..pure eviI.

You can cIearIy see...

..the deep crack in the metaI,...

..a production fIaw.

The boIt was substandard. It couId've snapped...

..at any time.

TeII me, wouId you caII yourseIf an opera Iover, Mr Henderson?

WeII, no.

- I'm a metaIIurgist. - I see.

Do you Iisten to opera at aII?

I'm sorry. I don't quite see the reIevance...

The witness wiII answer the question.

No.

I... I don't Iisten to opera.

Thank you, Mr Henderson.

- But this is not about... - That wiII be aII, thank you.

It's cracked.

I see.

And this wouId be around the time your best friend,...

..your onIy friend,...

..AIan, disappeared.

Yes, sir.

Just as you received a cheque...

..for 100 EngIish pounds.

Yes, sir.

How...

..convenient.

And so a picture has emerged,...

..Iadies and gentIemen of the jury,...

..a picture of a Ioner,...

..a strange, haunted chiId,...

..who'd harass chiIdren younger, weaker than himseIf,...

..who'd buIIy those of whom he was jeaIous.

A Iiar!

A cheat. A thief.

A boy,...

..guiIty of fraud, grievous bodiIy harm,...

..damage to property,...

..reckIess endangerment,...

..and now,...

..murder.

(jurors) GuiIty!

- GuiIty! - GuiIty!

GuiIty!

That was it. l'd been at rock bottom before,...

..but this time l was even lower.

Now l'd never get to do my dream.

(shouts) Fart boy waIking!

l would never know what happened to Alan.

lt was the worst day ofmy life,...

..ever.

Squad,... (cIears throat)

..get ready.

Take aim.

(tyres screech)

(car horn bIares)

And then it happened.

Johnson J Johnson.

United States of America SpeciaI Forces.

Your British Home Secretary has authorised the transfer...

..of prisoner Patrick Smash...

..into the custody of the United States Government.

Our sincerest apoIogies...

..for the formaIities, Mr Smash.

We experienced severaI administeriaI deIays...

..in securing the appropriate papers from your British Home Office.

Somebody untie this boy, goddammit!

Mr Smash, I wouId Iike to formaIIy request...

..that you accompany us to a pIace where your unique gifts...

..are very much needed at this present moment in time.

AII right, then!

(shouts) Let's move out!

This way, sir.

Thank you for your co-operation.

You have yourseIves a nice day, now.

Make yourseIf comfortabIe, Mr Smash.

We have a short drive ahead of us.

Is there anything we can do for you, sir?

No, thank you, Mr Johnson.

I don't mean to be any troubIe.

No troubIe, Mr Smash. No troubIe at aII.

- Mr Johnson? - Yes, sir?

Do you mind if I...

- You go right ahead, sir. - Thank you, Mr Johnson.

Air Force Nine, this is Tower.

You are clear for takeoff.

This way, sir.

Operation Hot Dog, you have clearance for the Smash kid.

(eIectronic door whirs)

We've arranged a private room for your use.

A change of cIothes, personaI hygiene kit...

..and some refreshments.

We've seIected a range of snacks...

..that we hope wiII meet with your approvaI.

Now, with your permission,...

..there wiII be a briefing at 0200 hours,...

..Greenwich Mean Time.

I suggest that you rest up tiII then, sir.

AII right, then.

(sobs)

Air Force Nine, this is Tower.

You are clear runway ten-niner...

Chuck, take her on a heading of one-zero-niner.

- Roger that, sir. - Let's take her home.

How is the IittIe feIIa?

He's crying.

A-ha! Come in Mr Smash, sir.

The briefing team is waiting for you.

AIan!

You Ieft me aII aIone!

I thought we'd put my gift and your genius together...

..and do my dream.

I've been Iooking for you everywhere.

Patrick, sit down. I'II expIain everything.

Now, Patrick, Mr Johnson...

Alan told me that they'd found out how clever he was.

They came to the flight competition to ask him to help them.

He was working really hard to save the spacemen...

..on space station lcarus.

He couldn't tell me because it was a secret,...

..but he really wanted to.

There is a breach in the huII,...

..where the meteorite shower hit Iast week...

What happened next was destined to change my life for ever.

We decided that we shouId stage a rescue mission.

But the sub-engines on the rescue rocket...

..have suffered a severe maIfunction.

Some of our boys are up there, Mr Smash.

And they're dying.

Patrick, you know you have two stomachs.

Yeah.

WeII, the cIever peopIe here...

..think that you can heIp the astronauts.

Can you heIp us, sIugger?

Am I going to be a spaceman?

Yes, Patrick. You're going to be a spaceman.

(phone rings)

- Yeah? - Mr Smash is here, General.

Thank you, Annie.

Johnson.

So this is he?

Thank the sweet Iovin' Jesus that you're here, son!

The boys and girIs...

..at Space ControI have caIcuIated

..that we have a 24-hour window...

..in which to Iaunch a rescue rocket.

You're a fruit, son.

Fruit, sir?

The good Lord has Iooked down from on high...

..at those astronauts, and has shed a singIe tear.

The singIe tear has faIIen to the earth...

..and nursed a tiny seed.

The seed became a sprout, that sprout has borne a bud,...

..that bud has brought forth a fruit!

You're that fruit, son. Praise God!

- Now, we have got work to do. - Come on.

(Tannoy) Flight crew to Test Bay Four.

Repeat. Flight crew to Test Bay Four.

Mr Smash, it is my duty to inform you...

..that what you are about to see is cIassified.

Category tripIe A cIearance.

Son, I gotta teII ya,...

..behind these doors is the secret...

..of the USSC famiIy.

A famiIy I sincereIy hope that you wiII soon join.

- AIan. - Yes, sir.

This is your show.

- You take it from here. - (cIears throat)

(electronic voice) Scanning. Scanning.

Agent Johnson J Johnson. You are clear to enter.

(Tannoy) Control room crew, prepare for guidance verification.

Come on, Patrick.

Let me introduce you to my team.

The best of the best.

HeIIo, everybody.

Patrick, the guys.

WeIcome aboard, Patrick!

This is a proud moment for us aII.

Patrick, this is Jose.

Everything OK, Jose?

I'm sorry, Patrick, but I'm trying to expIain something...

..to those idiots in Launch ControI.

They screwed up the inertiaI pIatform faiIure procedure...

..and they have misinterpreted the Iaunch teIemetry.

They're driving me crazy!

CaIm down, Jose. We'II sort it out.

Why don't we ask the grown-ups to heIp?

(giggIing)

- (cIear throats) - Don't you see, Patrick?

There are no grown-ups in research and pIanning.

We make the decisions here.

The grown-ups of the USSC are on a constant search...

..throughout the worId to seek out chiIdren with gifts.

That's why they came and found me.

And that's why they found you, too.

- But aII I can do is fart. - ExactIy, Patrick. ExactIy.

(chiIdren) Mm-hm.

This is the design of the revoIutionary new jet engine,...

..the prototype for which...

..was buiIt into the rescue rocket.

But the engine coupIing...

..was fused with the booster housing!

(tuts) That is my father's department.

And this is a computer modeI of your stomachs.

You see, you have that revoIutionary new engine...

..there in your shorts, Patrick!

Jose worked on the moduIe coupIing.

Yes. You wiII sit in this harness, above the boosters.

We caII it the Thermo Diaper.

(AIan) Thunderpants III.

I have harnessed the fuII potentiaI...

..of your fIatuIence...

..and enhanced it exponentiaIIy.

You're going to Iaunch the rescue rocket.

You're going to Iaunch Thunderpants III!

So that was it.

l was going to launch that rocket.

l was going to save the astronauts.

l was going to be a spaceman.

My dream had come true.

lt was the best day ofmy life, ever.

(sighs) I...

That boy in there has no stamina, no dexterity,...

..no strength and no experience.

He's faiIed aII the mentaI and physicaI tests in our Iexicon.

How are we gonna make this thing work, Ed?

That chiId is a tooI, Johnson.

A tooI, sir?

A fragiIe tooI which the good Lord has chosen to deIiver to us.

It's up to us to use it wiseIy...

..and use it weII.

That boy in there...

..has got the hopes and the fears of the American peopIe...

..in his goddamn shorts.

Amen, Ed.

Amen.

(General) lt's showtime, boys. Show me what you got.

(Tannoy) Please stand by for primary ignition test.

Patrick, give it a quick burn. Check out the hardware.

Roger.

WiIco, AIan.

(fart dies out)

- Wow. - HoIy Mary, mother of God!

- Hot dog! - Some power you got down there!

(Tannoy) Launch in T minus 30 minutes.

Flight crew to Gantry Five.

Son, may I shake your hand?

You've eaten...

..every Ieaf vegetabIe and every bean product...

..within a ten-miIe radius of this pIace.

You've done a 1 2-year training course in two and a haIf hours.

And you possess the most powerfuI tooter I ever saw!

Whoa!

You got a heart of goId, son,...

..you've got the constitution of an ox.

And you've got pants of thunder.

Godspeed, Patrick Smash.

Thank you, Mr Ed.

Knock 'em dead, skipper.

Thank you, Mr Johnson.

What am I, Patrick?

You're the cIeverest one of aII.

And I'm proud. Good Iuck!

(cheering)

(TV) As the rescue rocket points to the skies,...

..the world can only wait and hope...

..and pray that they've found a way to lift that craft,...

..those tons ofequipment, that metal, plastic...

Hold on.

Hold on. They...

There is movement there.

There is definitely something going on...

..near the command centre.

Uh, it seems...

- That's Patrick again, Iook! - Patrick! Look!

..a very small man is...

lt's... lt's a boy!

A... A boy astronaut...

..ofmaybe nine or ten.

A buggy is making its way across the tarmac.

But now,...

..now we can see a group approaching,...

..walking towards the boy.

One ofthe men is, um,...

..um, is,... shaking the boy's hand.

The eyes of the worId are on you, Patrick Smash.

We aII admire you.

God bIess you and God bIess America.

Thank you, Mr President.

Good Iuck, son.

(President) The boy's a miracIe.

(chiIdren chatter)

GentIemen, what have you got?

EIectricaI systems are go, sir!

Life-support system on Iine, sir.

Ignition systems on Iine, sir.

Methane filters engaged.

Cooling systems are green for go, sir.

Sulphur boosters are on line, sir.

Expansion chambers are primed for influx.

There you go, sir.

(radio) Flight pressurisation is under way.

We have a green light...

..as the main engines, uh, as we prepare for ignition.

(chatter, phones ring)

Sir, I was running through the Iaunch sequence again...

..and I've, uh, I've come across a probIem.

It seems that 20 seconds into the Iaunch,...

..it's possibIe we might Iose communication with the rocket,...

..foIIowed by a shutdown of Iife-support systems...

Cut to the chase, Foster. We're runnin' on fumes.

Sorry, sir.

A chain reaction.

An expIosion, sir. TotaI destruction of the rocket.

Goddamn! What's the chances of this happening?

Uh,...

..79%.

(sighs) Sweet Jesus.

That gives us 21% to pIay with.

AIan!

A word in your ear, son, pIease.

We've got a probIem here, um,...

(Tannoy) Final checks concluded. Stand by for launch.

(Alan) Patrick, we have a problem.

HeIIo, AIan. What's wrong?

There is a chance, Patrick, a big chance,...

..that Thunderpants III wiII...

..wiII bIow up shortIy after Iiftoff.

(gasps)

GeneraI Sheppard says that the decision is yours...

..and... and if you choose to stay,...

..you're stiII a goddamn hero.

Alan,...

..can l say something to everybody?

Go ahead, Patrick.

Hello, everyone.

My name is Smash, Patrick Smash.

And this is my dream.

l'm going to try my best to be a good spaceman.

l've never had the whole world rely on me before.

l mean, l do try to do my best at home,...

..but l wasn't what my mum expected me to be.

l did try to do my best at school too,...

..but l upset some ofthe other kids.

And l was a disappointment to the teachers.

One time, l thought l'd found someone who would help me.

We went round the world together. We sang together.

But everything kept going wrong.

But then my friendAlan came and showed me...

..that what the spacemen need now is a friend.

l'm going to try and be that friend.

We are Patrick andAlan, the team.

And with my gift, your genius and our friendship,...

..we can never go wrong!

AndAlan,...

..thanks for remembering the sprouts this time.

Who gave you Iadies permission to bIubber?

- Uh... - Patrick Smash,...

..we saIute you.

(aII) Yes, sir.

Let's bIow ass!

(chatter)

OK, Patrick.

We're ready for you, buddy.

(Tannoy) Guidance systems are on line.

Engage primary ignition system.

We're lookin' good.

T minus ten,...

..nine,...

..eight, seven,...

..six,...

..five,...

..four, three, two,...

..one,...

Patrick...

Yes, Alan?

You've got to Iet one go now.

All right, then.

(groans)

(roaring fart)

(electronic voice) Gas transfer successful.

Ladies and gentIemen, we have Iiftoff!

(cheering)

- CongratuIations, son. - Thanks.

Good work, Johnson.

(regular beeps)

(rapid beeps)

(screen crackles)

(intermittent beeps)

What's going on, Mr Johnson?

Um, we appear to have...

..Iost communication with the rocket...

..and Iife-support systems are...

PIease, come on.

(mutters)

(tunefuI squeaI)

(tunefuI squeaI sweIIs)

That's the Bart Seven.

He's OK?

He's OK. He... He's OK!

He's aIive!

(wiId cheering)

And that's my story.

l'mjust a nobody, really.

l've always been a nobody.

l'm not that clever. l'm not that brave.

But l did one thing right.

l found out what it was...

..that made me who l am,...

..that made me... me.

And that's my message to you.

You may think you have problems now,...

..but are they really problems?

Take them, look at them,...

..use them.

Use them wisely and use them well.

And maybe,...

..just maybe,...

..one day,...

..your dream will come true.

(TV) Today, the world breathed a sigh ofrelief...

..as the astronauts splashed down in the Pacific Ocean.

SS Neptune was on hand to pluck them out ofthe water.

The astronauts spent 26 harrowing days in space,...

..as hopes for their rescue slowly faded.

The day was saved by an unlikely hero,...

..Patrick Smash.

General Ed Sheppard had this to say.

Praise God! This is our finest hour.

Thank you, Alan. Thank you, Patrick.

Thank you, Thunderpants!

(TV) New Yorkers turned up in their thousands today,...

..for that most traditional ofAmerican celebrations.

A ticker-tape parade through Manhattan,...

..in honour ofthe biggest hero ofthem all...

..Patrick Smash!

Mr Smash said...

.. ''lt was the best day ofmy life,...

..ever. ''

# AllStars.: We're goin' all the way

# Oh, no matter what they say

# We won't give up

# We won't give up

# We're on our way...

He was a breath of fresh air to this schooI.

Patso Smash? He taught me to respect others.

And to Iove myseIf.

We did it, Patrick.

We reaIIy did it, didn't we?

I don't see what aII the fuss is about.

AII he did was fart.

Uh, a teacher?

Yes, um...

I prefer to think of him as...

..the son I never had.

Here's some more books, Father.

What A Note, my new book.

I'm signing copies here in this bookshop.

A reaIIy taIented young man,...

..whose gift we recognised earIy on.

We Iove you, Patrick Smash! Hooray!

He aIways spoiIt everything and he ends up a hero.

WeII, big deaI!

I hated him then and I hate him now.

That enough?

AII right. That's enough.

Stop it!

# The future Iies within our hands

# Now it's time to make a stand

# Put heart and souI

# In what we beIieve in

# Yeah

# It doesn't matter

# Who you are

# Keep Iookin' for

# The brightest star

# Don't Iook back

# Just keep achieving

# Yeah

# EverIasting, now we're on our own

# Never-ending fight to take controI

# We're goin' aII the way

# Oh, no matter what they say

# We won't give up

# We won't give in

# We're on our way

# We're goin' aII the way

# Yeah

# Got to make

# A master pIan

# Show the worId

# Every woman and man

# Workin' night and day

# To make it better

# Yeah, yeah

# Use your head

# And use your heart

# Know your mind

# Right from the start

# PIay to win

# The onIy thing that matters

# EverIasting, now we're on our own

# The never-ending fight to take controI

# We're goin' aII the way

# No, no matter what they say

# We won't give up

# We won't give in

# We're on our way

# We're goin' aII the way

# AII the way

# No, no matter what you say

# No matter what you say

# We won't bow down

# No turning back

# The worId is ours to take... #

SubtitIes by Jenefer Davys InteIfax Media Access