Original subtitles

All right, I'm ready for my next question.

In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets,

who wins the Second World War?

Uganda.

Defend.

Kenya rises to power

on the export of rhinoceroses.

A Central African power block is formed,

colonizing North Africa and Europe.

When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino.

Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.

Correct.

My turn.

In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument,

on what does Scott Joplin play "The Maple Leaf Rag"?

Tuned bayonets.

Defend.

Isn't it obvious?

You're right. My apologies.

What the hell are you guys playing?

It's a game we invented.

It's called Counterfactuals.

We postulate an alternate world that differs from ours

in one key aspect and then pose questions to each other.

It's fun for ages eight to 80.

Join us.

All right.

I like a good brainteaser.

Give it a whirl.

You're in luck; this is an easy one.

In a world where mankind is ruled

by a giant intelligent beaver,

what food is no longer consumed?

Uh... a BLT where the "B" stands for beaver?

I don't know.

Leonard, be serious.

We're playing a game here.

(clears throat)

I can figure this out.

Let's see.

Um, well, beavers eat tree bark.

The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon.

So, I'll say cinnamon.

Incorrect.

Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.

What?

In a world ruled by a giant beaver,

mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord.

The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded.

Thousands die.

Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry.

How does one miss that?

This is ridiculous.

You're just making stuff up.

Is he always like this when he loses?

Oh, yes.

You should've been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.

You bumped the table and you know it.

Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game

more suited to his abilities.

We'll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide.

I'm going to my room.

Very good, Leonard.

But next time, don't tell us where you're hiding.

♪ Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state ♪

♪ Then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! ♪

♪ The Earth began to cool ♪

♪ The autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals developed tools ♪

♪ We built the Wall ♪ ♪ We built the pyramids ♪

♪ Math, Science, History, unraveling the mystery ♪

♪ That all started with a big bang ♪

♪ Bang! ♪

♪ The Big Bang Theory 4x03 ♪ The Zazzy Substitution Original Air Date on October 7, 2010

-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --

Did you guys see the paper

in The American Physics Journal on supersolids?

It's pretty interesting.

This guy's working from a hypothesis where...

Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert.

What? Don't ruin it for me, man.

I printed out a PDF to read on the potty.

On the potty?

What are you, five?

It's a potty. What do you call it?

Toilet.

That's a little vulgar for

the dinner table, don't you think?

Oh, and "potty" is okay?

"Potty" is innocent.

"Potty" is adorable.

What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?

If I don't have to boom-boom.

Greetings.

You all remember Amy Farrah Fowler.

Nice to see you. Hello.

Sorry we're late.

I must take responsibility.

I had to stop for feminine hygiene supplies.

Aha. Okay.

I believe she's experiencing her menses.

Actually, I'm not.

In order to avoid surprises, I wear them all the time.

Aha. Okay.

"Toilet's" sounding pretty good now, huh?

Hey, look, it's Shamy.

Shamy?

A juvenile amalgamation of our names.

Sheldon, Amy-- Shamy.

Oh.

I don't like that.

Don't do that.

(awkward chuckle)

All righty. What's new?

Well, just recently, I learned that you refer to us as Shamy,

and I don't like that.

I got it.

But what I was going for was, you know, how's your life?

Like everybody else's.

Subject to entropy, decay and eventual death.

Thank you for asking.

Why is she not taking our order?

I should've warned you,

one has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense

before one can be fed here.

AMY: Really?

I assumed an establishment called

the Cheesecake Factory would function more efficiently.

It's how they lure you in.

I believe it's called " bait and switch."

Okay, I'm just gonna walk away,

'cause... I don't want to be here.

So, this is nice.

First time we've all gotten together to eat.

You're right, he's a festival of humdrum chitchat.

Okay, that's all I got.

Howard, you're up.

Um... tell us about your work, Amy.

I doubt you'd understand.

Sheldon tells me you only have a master's degree.

Raj, do you have any questions for Amy?

I'm curious as to why we're not eating alone.

They can't function without me.

I'm the social glue that holds this little group together.

You're welcome.

Listen, can I talk to you about your girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend.

She's a girl and she's my friend,

but there's no touching or unsanitary exchange of saliva.

Got it.

Although, for the record, on one occasion,

she licked her thumb to remove raspberry jelly

from the corner of my mouth.

It's an action we both regret to this day.

Uh-huh.

Anyway, I'm not sure she's the best fit

for our little-- how should we call it-- rebel alliance.

Oh, I never identified with the rebel alliance.

Despite their tendency to build Death Stars,

I've always been more of an empire man.

Yeah, not my point.

I know what your point is.

You're intimidated by Amy's intellect.

To that I say, buck up.

Okay, let me just

get right to it.

Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious and frankly...

just obnoxious.

So?

So we already have you for all that.

Are you suggesting I terminate my relationship with Amy?

No, no, of course not.

Just have your relationship someplace else.

May I point out that for eight long months,

I suffered in silence as your female companion

filled our apartment with her

off-key country music caterwauling,

the unappetizing spectacle

of her grinding a pumice stone against her calloused feet

in our living room,

and night after night of uninformative TV documentaries

about the Jersey Shore.

Suffered in silence?

Yes.

And I'd thank you to do the same.

Reall-- Silence?!

(sighs): Ah.

Nothing makes beer taste better than

cool clear Rocky Mountain spring water.

Where are the Rocky Mountains, anyway?

Philadelphia.

Really?

I thought they were out West someplace.

Think about it, Raj.

Where did the movie Rocky take place?

Philadelphia.

Okay, now I get it.

So this is the plan?

From now on, we're just gonna hide out in here

to avoid the Shamy?

I'm very comfortable here.

Penny, dear, why don't you shoot another silver bullet my way?

Get one yourself.

Ooh, somebody's been taking bitchy pills.

God, he's an ass when he drinks.

Oh, he's an ass when he doesn't.

You just don't hear it.

Think we need to start entertaining the possibility

that the Shamy could go on for years.

Well, if that's the case, Penny will have to get satellite TV

and maybe once a week run a vacuum through this place.

I thought you were going to talk to Sheldon.

I did. Well, what'd he say?

Well, he pointed out that he kinda sorta had to...

put up with you.

Kinda sorta had to?

I didn't agree with him.

Well, you defended me, right?

I tried, but...

...he made a fairly well-reasoned argument.

You're not doing that right.

What?

Gimme.

No. Trust me.

No! I do this for my mom all the time.

See?

With the grain.

Wow, that is better.

And someday, when you have varicose veins,

I'll show you how to massage them.

Oh, God, never again.

I assume by "never again, " you mean never again will you drink

all of Penny's beer, then run down to the gas station

for a couple of 40s, a box of Slim Jims

and the latest issue of Bombay Badonkadonks.

I was homesick.

The highlight of the evening was when you showed us

your Bollywood break dancing skills.

(humming Indian music)

That's very offensive.

Yeah, we all thought so.

LEONARD: Oh, no.

What?

It's John and Yoko.

More like Yoko and Yoko.

Greetings. Hey.

I brought Amy here

to show her some of the work I'm doing.

It's very impressive, for theoretical work.

Do I detect a hint of condescension?

I'm sorry, was I being too subtle?

I meant compared to the real-world applications

of neurobiology, theoretical physics is--

what's the word I'm looking for?-- hmm, cute.

(Leonard and Wolowitz oohing)

Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist

like Babinski could ever rise to the significance

of a physicist like Clarke-Maxwell or Dirac?

I'm stating it outright.

Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast

and defecates Clarke-Maxwell.

You take that back.

Absolutely not.

My colleagues and I are mapping

the neurological substrates that subserve

global information processing,

which is required for all cognitive reasoning,

including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto

prior in the ordo cognoscendi.

That means it's better than his research,

and by extension, of course, yours.

I'm sorry, I'm-I'm still trying

to work on the defecating Clark Maxwell, so...

Excuse me, but a grand unified theory,

insofar as it explains everything,

will ipso facto explain neurobiology.

Yes, but if I'm successful,

I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes

in deriving a grand unified theory,

and therefore, subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.

That's the rankest psychologism,

and was conclusively revealed as hogwash

by Gottlob Frege in the 1890s!

We appear to have reached an impasse.

I agree.

I move our relationship terminate immediately.

Seconded.

There being no objections...

ALL: Uh-uh.

...the motion carries.

Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler.

Good day, Sheldon Cooper.

Women, huh?

Can't live with them,

can't successfully refute their hypotheses.

Amen to that.

Hey, Sheldon.

Hello.

I hear you broke up with Amy.

A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend.

She was a girl who was my friend

who is now a girl who is not my friend.

Wow. That's like the worst country song ever.

So, how are you doing?

Regarding what?

Amy.

I don't follow.

Well, breakups-- or whatever the hell this is-- can be tough.

Penny, I assure you, I'm fine.

My relationship with Amy was purely intellectual,

There were no emotional bonds,

the severing of which would cause me any discomfort.

The relationship simply outlived its utility,

and I'm continuing on with my life as before.

Okay. Good.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to buy a pussycat.

I gotta tell you guys,

I'm a little worried about Sheldon.

We're all a little worried about Sheldon.

No, I mean since the Shamy hit a reef.

Oh, I thought you were just making a generalization:

"You know, I'm worried about Sheldon

"someday setting off a low-yield nuclear device

because the cafeteria ran out of lime Jell-O."

What does "hit a reef" mean?

Uh, went splitsville.

Pardon?

Turned to boom-boom.

Ah.

I think Sheldon really misses Amy.

You should lend him your copy of Bombay Badonkadonks.

He got a cat to keep him company.

You're kidding.

He takes it everywhere:

to bed, to the bathroom.

He takes the kitty to the potty?

I thought we discussed the P-word.

Don't try to change me, dude.

I am what I am.

Oh, gentlemen.

Hey. Aren't you going to introduce us

to your little friend?

My apologies.

Raj, Howard, I'd like you to meet Dr. Robert Oppenheimer.

Hello. Hi.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

the father of the atomic bomb wants a saucer of milk.

Okay, I get it. We're worried about Sheldon.

Yeah.

Hey.

Oh, no.

Robert Oppenheimer was lonely.

Yes.

but he's so zazzy.

Okay, we need to talk.

About what?

Cats, Sheldon.

You're clearly upset about Amy being gone,

and you're trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.

Clowder. What?

A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.

Okay, yeah, fine.

It's the kind of thing you ought

to know now that we have one.

Terrific. My point is, you need to face up

to what you're feeling with this breakup.

It wasn't a breakup.

A breakup would imply that Amy was my girlfriend.

Okay, I got it, I got it; she's not your girlfriend.

Now listen to me.

I know about loneliness.

I know about trying to replace someone with other stuff.

When I broke up with Penny, I got back into my cello,

I built a bunch of model rockets,

I got those weightlifting gloves and that five-pound dumbbell.

You didn't break up, she dumped you.

She didn't dump me.

It was mutual!

I was there. She dumped you.

Okay, fine.

Live with cats.

Be like my Aunt Nancy.

She had dozens of them.

And do you know what happened after she died? They ate her.

You don't have to sell me on cats, Leonard.

I'm already a fan.

All right, fellas, who's in the mood for Fancy Feast?

Well, that's not fancy at all.

Hi, Mrs. Cooper. Thanks for coming.

Where is he?

He's in his bedroom.

Now, when you said on the phone

he broke up with a girl, you meant an actual girl,

not something you kids whipped up in a lab?

No, she's real.

Did they sin?

No, no, it's not like that.

It's, uh...

I don't know what it's like.

But there is something I should prepare you for.

Oh, relax, Leonard, I have raised that boy.

I've seen him at his best, I've seen him at his worst.

There's nothing he can do that'll surprise me.

Hold on to that thought.

(knocks)

Come in.

(cats meowing)

Surprise.

Mom, what an unexpected pleasure.

My, my, that's a powerful smell.

I'd like you to meet Oppenheimer, Frisch, Panofsky,

Feynman, Weisskopf...

Yeah, I get it.

You got a lot of cats

and you gave 'em cute Jewish names.

What are you doing here?

Leonard called.

And he said that you were pining for a young lady.

Oh, that's preposterous.

I'm not pining over anyone.

Oh, lambchop, we can quibble what to call it,

but I think we can both agree it's creepy.

I do not agree.

Cats make wonderful companions.

They don't argue or question my intellectual authority,

and this little guy here,

I think you'll find to be quite zazzy.

You should have called sooner.

Shelly! Dinner's ready!

SHELDON: Coming!

No cats!

Aw...

What is she doing here?

I called her.

Your mother thinks

you might be losing your mind over me.

As a neurobiologist, I was curious.

Well, rest assured, I am in full possession of my faculties.

(sneezes): 25 cats!

Oh, God bless you, dear.

Sheldon, sit down. Let's talk.

All right, but you're not fooling me.

Whenever you say we have to talk,

it means you want me to listen.

Then stop talking.

Yes, ma'am.

Now, the reason I called Amy over was

to find out what type of person she is.

And after chatting a bit,

I have to say that while she is a

perfectly unique young woman,

you two are definitely not suited for each other.

That's a peculiar conclusion.

By any standard, Amy is more similar to me

than anyone I've ever met.

Oh, I'm sorry, Shelly, I can't see it.

Well, whether you see it or not is irrelevant.

I can't see subatomic particles,

but nevertheless, they're there.

Excellent point.

A physics point.

Touché.

Well, putting aside the pig Latin,

it's a good thing that

you two decided to end the relationship

so I didn't have to end it for you.

Amy, after consideration,

I believe we may have acted rashly.

I propose we resume our relationship

and attempt to resolve our differences.

I'll agree to that only if you'll stipulate

that 80% of our difficulties were caused by you.

I'll go as high as 40. Sixty-five.

Done.

You understand that moving forward,

we deal with the fact that my mother does not approve of you?

I do. I find being cast

in the role of bad girl oddly titillating.

Would you like to see my cats?

I would. I love cats.

They're the epitome of indifference.

Ah, then you may find Zazzles a little cloying.

I saw what you did there.

He thinks he's such a smarty pants.

He's no different from any man.

You tell 'em not to do something, that's all

they want to do.

If I hadn't told my brother Stumpy

not to clear out the wood chipper by hand,

we'd still be calling him Edward.

Now, don't you move.

I'll bring over all the food.

No, no, no, I can do it.

Well, isn't that sweet?

-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --

Thank you, Amy.

Here's your cat.

And here's your $20.

AMY: Next!

Thank you, Amy.

Here's your cat.

And here's your $20.

-- Sync, corrected by elderman -- -- for www.addic7ed.com --