Original subtitles

EMILY: Thank you for the lovely stay.

DAVEY: Bye, old chap!

MATTHEW: Bye!

EMILY: Goodbye.

ADULT FANNY: The main result of Aunt Emily's marriage

to Davey Warbeck, apart from an enormous change

for the better in her clothes,

was that I now spent all my holidays parked at Alconleigh

while he carried her off abroad.

EMILY: Yes, please do!

LINDA: Goodbye, Aunt Emily!

Bye!

Goodbye, darling.

Do be kind to your Aunt Sadie.

She's got such a lot on,

Louisa's coming out and everything.

I do hope Uncle Matthew won't get cross.

EMILY: You know, I sometimes wonder

whether it's good for Fanny to be

quite so much in Matthew's house.

Her nerves.

Oh, nonsense, darling.

Only a silly crybaby would be upset

by that terrible old cardboard ogre,

and Fanny is not a crybaby.

Goodbye, darling.

Bye!

ADULT FANNY: Aunt Emily probably felt

that if she had to choose between her husband's wishes

and my nervous system,

her husband's wishes should win the day.

I hope I don't have to wait until I'm 40.

Scoring time, darling.

Me, first.

Well, your score so far are even better

than last holiday's,

and mine are worse.

Wrists, ankles, neck, and bust...

you've beaten me hollow on all of them!

Now then...

18 inches from knee to ankle.

I read somewhere that Venus measured 18 inches

from knee to ankle.

How much did she measure from the knee

going the other way?

The book didn't say.

I expect the book thought it rude...

to tell one that about a goddess.

Well, Venus wouldn't have minded.

She was rather a rude goddess.

The Goddess of Love...

rude?

There's some very odd stories.

Very funny, too.

But love isn't meant to be funny.

It's meant to lead to romance and marriage,

and to last for ever and ever

and to go on to the grave and ever so far beyond.

Now do admit.

Well, yes, I do admit, Linda.

But all the same,

there are several different sides to love,

and some of them are funny...

or rude.

You mean it.

I can see that it might seem a teeny bit rude at first...

I mean taking all one's things off.

I wonder, can it be funny, too?

If you're in love, Fanny...

not just lecherous like Boy Dougdale the Lecturer,

but really and truly in love.

Because if you're in love,

it is meet to be so marvelous and sort of sacred

that it can't be funny.

Perhaps it doesn't seem funny to one,

but it might to other people.

I mean, just think what Bob finally found out

that Oscar Wilde got up to.

That wasn't love, Fanny...

strictly not romantic.

Bob said it was to Oscar Wilde.

Or at any rate, it was his way of doing it.

Oh, how confusing it all is.

Oh, bother.

I thought this was going to come out.

When it does come out perfectly, Fanny...

if I haven't cheated...

then I shall fall in love.

Only I've got to wait for ages and ages anyway

until we come out, let alone the patience.

Well, perhaps it'll happen before then.

Perhaps it will happen at Louisa's coming out ball.

SADIE: Now, I want you all to listen to my list.

Pay attention, Louisa... it's your ball.

LOUISA: Yes, Mummy.

SADIE: And you, too, Matthew...

it's your daughter.

It goes without saying that all our neighbors will be invited.

MATTHEW: Come one, come all.

The question is which should be asked to bring a house party?

MATTHEW: It beats me why people can't stay in their own homes.

I always do.

Perfectly good food here, perfectly clean sheets,

why can't everyone...

SADIE: Please, Matthew.

After long thought,

I've decided that the following should be asked

to bring house parties.

Now, in alphabetical order.

Why this fuss? I've never known you carry on like this before.

Please, Matthew.

In alphabetical order...

Brigadier General and Mrs. Bateson,

Major and Mrs. Jackson,

Sir Thomas and Lady Lulworth, Lord Merlin...

Now that is going too far!

Merlin... real sewer!

Fellow who primps up his dogs in diamonds,

builds fancy gazebos like transparent knocking shops

all over his park.

A theater, Matthew, is all Lord Merlin has built.

All right, and what does he do with it?

Fills it with huge orchestras,

playing beastly, squealing modern music,

not splendid tunes like "Thora,"

and then spends millions of pounds

on filthy foreign pictures,

not like these.

No, not like these.

Watteaus, I'm told.

Lord Merlin is a man of elegance, Matthew,

and if he's asked to bring a house party,

it will be decorative and distinguished.

Everyone else who comes

will be utterly and unrelievedly dowdy,

and I long, just for once,

I do long to look upon young women

with properly dressed hair,

London complexions, and Paris clothes.

If you ask that hog Merlin to bring his friends,

I wouldn't put it past him to bring some foreigners.

I hear he sometimes has Frogs and even Wops to stay with him.

I will not have my house filled up with Wops.

"Dear Lord Merlin, we're having a little dance

for Louisa on the 13th of next month,

and I shall be so pleased

if you would bring over a party from Merlinford."

You're not going to send that?

No, Matthew, I'm not going to send it,

as I knew what your reaction would be.

- Ha! - I've already sent it.

This is only a copy.

ADULT FANNY: Linda's and my dresses...

white taffeta with floating panels

and embroidered bead belts...

were being made by Mrs. Josh, the wife of the head groom.

MRS. JOSH: There, Miss Linda. You'll do.

Now, Miss Frances,

you won't be quite as easy to turn out presentable.

LINDA: Oh, thank you, Mrs. Josh.

Thank you for being so clever.

Oh, isn't it lovely to be lovely me?

SADIE: Now, don't go getting overexcited, duck.

Oh, Louisa.

JOSH: Well, now!

You can tell that that wasn't run up

in somebody's back parlor.

You'll be the belle of your own ball, Miss Louisa, love.

I came specially to show you, Mrs. Josh,

and to say that although this is so lovely,

it's not quite the same as the dresses

you used to make for me.

Because...

well, just because.

Oh, there.

Oh, see how lovely Fanny and Linda look in theirs.

Time to take them off, until the ball.

Yours, too, Louisa.

Though will have to look out something else nice

for you to wear on Friday.

Friday?

Yes, I've had such a pleasant letter from Lord Merlin.

You know his reputation for little jokes and tricks.

When I opened it, I half expected

a jack-in-the-box to leap out and hit me on the nose.

But it's really quite normal.

Except there's a picture of Merlinford at the top

and his telegraphic address is Nabertese.

But don't tell Fa.

He doesn't like that kind of thing.

He says he's going to bring a party of 12,

and he'll present their names to you presently.

He's all very correct, I must say.

And he's asked you and me and Fa

to luncheon with him on Friday!

Yes, but, of course, your father won't go,

but I don't see why you and I shouldn't have a little outing.

Oh, it is unfair!

Why can't Fanny and I come?

For the same reason as your dresses

are still being made by me.

Oh, I do long and long and long to be grown up!

Just you wait.

ADULT FANNY: Lord Merlin was a famous collector...

so avid, that a well known antique dealer from St. James'

had found it worth his while to open a branch

in the tiny town of Merlinford,

simply to tempt his lordship with choice objects

during his morning walk,

and was soon followed there by a Bond Street jeweler.

SADIE: Oh, I say!

Look at that!

Ha ha!

It's so warm,

like everywhere else in this house.

LOUISA: Even the lav was warm as toast.

SADIE: They do say too much warmth is unhealthy.

I wonder where Lord Merlin's got to.

LOUISA: Oh, what a heavenly smell.

SADIE: Mmm!

Just like the young man I sat next to at luncheon.

LOUISA: Ooh, they look so bold.

MAN: Merlin calls them Apollo and Hyacinth.

- Oh, Hyacinth? - Yes.

SADIE: But they're both male.

Hyacinth was a boy's name, Lady Alconleigh.

SADIE: Oh.

How unusual.

Apollo thought so, too.

Pretty birdies! Pretty birdies!

Have you seen outside?

Merlin dyes the pigeons all the colors of the rainbow.

They're dried in the linen cupboard.

But isn't that frightfully cruel?

Oh, no, they love to look at each other,

and they tumble about in the sky just like confetti.

SADIE: We ought to think about going home, duck.

Goodbye.

- Goodbye. - Bye-bye.

Oh, have you seen Lord Merlin anywhere?

Just coming.

He's got a lovely new surprise for us all.

SADIE: Oh!

Oh, Lord Merlin, Louisa and I...

[Fanfare plays]

3:21...

the precise moment of my birth.

It's all done by electricity, Lady Alconleigh.

I've had the broadcasting machine installed in the Folly

and a gold figure of the Angel Gabriel

mounted on the roof.

- The Angel Gabriel? - Yes,

playing that acclamation on his trumpet.

Every day it's going to happen precisely at 3:21...

the moment of my gilded and purple birth.

SADIE: Oh, come come, Lord Merlin,

we bring nothing with us into this world, you know.

No, but for some of us,

plenty is waiting.

And all this happened at 3:21 you say.

High time Louisa and I went home.

- Yes, Mummy. - Louisa.

LOUISA: Oh, what beautiful buttons.

Do tell me where you all hunt.

MAN: Oh, dear me, we don't hunt.

LOUISA: Then why do you wear pink cloaks?

Because we think they're so pretty.

[Laughter]

Nobody want to come to your dance.

All the women in England.

- No men. - Why no men?

Too busy, too sought after,

too pampered.

Ha! It's a pity Montdore isn't here.

He'd come along and help you out.

Ha! Can't expect him to come from India though.

Well, He hasn't any boys, only Polly.

Jassy and I could dress up as boys.

You won't be there.

Oh, Fa.

- Too young. - It is unfair.

MATTHEW: If you ask me,

the fewer that come, the better.

That sewer Merlin and his mob of greenery gallery boys,

ain't that enough?

What's the matter?

Do you really mean to say you want more men?

Yes, Matthew, there must be...

someone for at least some of the girls to dance with.

And that's what's been upsetting you?

Yes.

Oh, I thought it was the prospect

of some young brute making up to Louisa.

Upsets me, I can tell you.

Well, if you're going to make yourself ill

about not having enough men,

then more men you shall have.

But where shall you find them?

London... you know I can't stand the place,

but even less can I stand having you

looking so down.

- Oh, thank you, Matthew. - Time to take steps.

I'll be off to London this very day,

drum up some likely fellows!

All right, Matthew.

We undertake to be on parade

for dinner and the beginning of the ball,

and to walk through five dances each.

Oh, except me. Ha ha.

You can hardly expect me to stand up

for five dances.

But I will positively sit there in the ballroom.

MAN: Five dances each, then bridge.

We want a proper table

set up in a room by itself.

And we want our own drinks.

None of that champagne stuff for the ball.

- Whisky. - Brandy.

And liqueurs.

MATTHEW: And six bottles of my blood as well, I dare say.

Anything else?

Yes, we'll have a shoot the next day.

And a car to take me into the Bodleian and back, yes?

That means we'll have to stay another night, so...

we'll have some of that Taylor's '86 of yours

after dinner.

[Festive music plays]

[Playing "Tiptoe Through the Tulips"]

ADULT FANNY: This, then, was a ball.

This was life...

what we'd been waiting for all these years.

Here we were and here it was...

a ball.

The men, so old and ugly,

the women, so frowsty,

their clothes so messy, and their faces so red.

The oil stoves so smelly, and not in the least warm.

Above all, the men.

Come on, Fort William, time for bridge.

Oh, I did rather think another dance.

What nonsense.

If you dance much longer at your age,

something will snap.

Now, bridge.

I'm terribly sorry.

I was going to ask you for the next one, Fanny.

God knows, it's your turn.

But as Louisa's been so cruelly deserted by Fort William,

and as it is her ball, you do see, don't you?

Excuse me.

[Band plays "Take Good Care of Yourself"]

They balance like King Stork on one leg,

and with the other, they come down on one's toe

like King Log.

Not Davey.

Even Davey.

Perhaps it's because we never learnt.

[Slow tune plays]

MAN: Lord Merlin!

SADIE: Lord Merlin!

How absolutely wonderful.

Just in the nick of time!

It's a miracle!

How too, too heavenly for words!

Oh, Fanny, do admit!

[Clamoring]

What's going on?

He's up to something.

One of his famous jokes?

Fa's looks frightfully suspicious.

Here he comes!

Thank you so much.

One, two, three, four!

[Upbeat tune begins]

Oh!

Oh, how quite devastating!

Oh, Fanny, I must be like them.

I must live the way they do for ever and ever.

I don't think it would quite suit me.

I can introduce you both, if you like.

I know Merlin and some of the rest.

No! We're too dowdy tonight, in Mrs. Josh's awful dresses.

- Another day then? - Yes, soon!

Excuse me.

Come back at once, Fort William!

FANNY: There!

LINDA: Brutal thing.

You unset it, Fanny, you're more handy.

I'll keep watch.

MAN: Got you both!

[Snap] Aagh!

Miss Linda, Miss Frances,

how can I keep a proper head of game

with you two up to your tricks?

You're old enough to know better.

I'll be reporting you to his lordship.

By all the rules in the book,

you ought to be sent to bed for a week

on bread and water.

But you're too old for that...

just.

And in any case,

something rather special has happened

in honor of which your mother has asked me to...

[Sniffles]

Drop all charges.

Your sister Louisa...

we've just had a wire from Fort William's

mother's place in Sussex.

They're engaged.

Engaged?

Louisa and old Lady Fort William?

Don't you be pert with me, miss.

Louisa's going to marry John Fort William.

Might just as well be his mother.

They're both well over 150, Fa, do admit.

Lord Fort William is 39 years old.

He'll be a damn sight better for your sister

than some beastly young wart

who's still wetting his breeches.

And, anyway, you be grateful she's got engaged

when she has.

If she hadn't, I'd a mind to whip the pair of you.

If we're too old for bread and water,

then we're too old for whipping.

Well, I wouldn't bet your Sunday best on that, miss.

Now off with you.

Miss Fanny?

I want a word with you.

Craven tells me you didn't so much as squeak

when you fell foul of that trap.

Good... just like your mother.

I'm not sure I want to be like my mother.

Well, you don't want to romp about with the men

as she does, that's for sure.

But, remember, there are a lot of good things

about the Bolter.

She sits on a horse like a...

what are the name of those damn women?

Like an Amazon.

Amazons, yes, that's it,

and she'd fight like one, too, if it came to it.

I can just see her swatting one of those Greek chappies

with her sword.

If she didn't get too inquisitive

about what sort of form the fellow had off the field.

LINDA: Poor old thing.

I suppose she likes him,

but I must say,

if John Fort William was one's dog,

one would have to have him put down.

You're envious.

You'd go off with him yourself like a bullet.

If he'd asked you.

Only he hasn't, he's asked Louisa.

We must get her to tell us all about it

as soon as she comes home.

You can't do it until you're actually married.

I fail to see why not.

Well, anyway Louisa won't.

I don't imagine they'll do it, even then.

He's far too decrepit.

His hair looks as if it's slipping off

like an eiderdown in the night.

How would you feel if you were doing it

and then your husband's hair fell off all over the bed?

["Wedding March" plays]

ADULT FANNY: At this moment,

I think Linda would gladly have changed places with Louisa,

even at the cost...

the heavy cost...

of being happy for ever after

with John Fort William.

Dearly beloved,

we are gathered together here in the sight of God

and in the face of this congregation

to join together this man...

FANNY: Louisa was to have two houses...

one in London, Connaught Square,

and one in Scotland.

It was ordained for the procreation of children...

FANNY: Her dress allowance would be 300 a year.

Secondly,

it was ordained for a remedy against sin...

FANNY: She would possess a diamond tiara,

a pearl necklace...

But such persons as have not the gift of continency

might marry.

FANNY: A motor car of her own, probably two,

squadrons of servants, and a fine fur cape.

I need to go to the loo.

You should have gone before we left.

You know what Lucille always says.

Wilt thou have this man

to thy wedded husband,

to live together after God's ordinance

in the holy estate of matrimony?

I will.

FANNY: In fact, her lot was a very enviable one...

granted that she could bear John Fort William.

ALL: # As pants the hart #

# For cooling streams #

# When heated in the chase #

# So longs my soul #

# O God, for Thee #

[Wheezing]

# And Thy refreshing grace #

# For Thee, my God #

# The living God #

# My thirsty soul doth pine #

# Oh, when shall... #

VICTORIA: Too shaming.

In the middle of Louisa's favorite hymn.

JASSY: Do have a little bit of pity.

- Tell me where I can go. - Over there!

Behind the box tomb.

I only hope Great Uncle Matthew

doesn't get up out of it and haunt you.

FANNY: Is she all right? Where is she?

Going to the bathroom on Great Uncle Matthew.

[Davey coughing]

Pull yourself together, Davey.

Deep breathing, begin.

In, out.

In, out.

That's better.

I've twisted my tonsil singing.

MERLIN: In and out.

In and out.

You may return to the service, ladies.

Captain Warbeck is out of danger,

and Mrs. Warbeck and I can deal with him.

Really too shaming, Jassy.

Whatever shall we tell people?

MERLIN: You will find that

no one will even mention it if you don't.

[Coughing continues]

[Sighs]

In and out, Davey.

In and out.

I'm not sure I haven't ruptured my tonsil now,

all that heavy breathing you made me do.

Nonsense, it's the only cure.

In...

and out.

Merlin's so heartless.

Lord Merlin...

Please trust me, Mrs. Warbeck.

In...

and out.

No sympathy.

In...

And out.

No pity.

[Merlin chuckles]

FANNY: Then Louisa went away,

and the wedding guests departed from Alconleigh

and I was taken off to Aunt Emily's house,

and back to school.

This, of course, was the time when Linda

should have been made to work,

with no time for silly dreaming.

Aunt Sadie made suggestion after suggestion

that Linda should learn to cook,

should occupy herself in the garden,

should be prepared for confirmation.

But Linda furiously refused,

nor would she do jobs in the village,

nor would she help her mother run the house.

So that's why I sent for you.

The trouble with you, missy,

is that you're just thoroughly bloody minded.

[Telephone rings]

Yes?

Alconleigh speaking.

Oh, would you, indeed?

And when?

That hog Merlin wants to speak to your mother.

Something about luncheon next week.

I expect you'll be given some froggy filth

like slugs.

You'd better go and get her.

No, the girls don't go to school

because Matthew doesn't believe in lessons.

What?

- No lessons at all? - No.

My dear Linda.

What do you do all day?

SADIE: Well, she does have the occasional

conversations with Lucille.

That's a French governess

we have for Victoria and Jassy and Little Matt.

MERLIN: Occasional conversations with Lucille.

SADIE: But Lucille's French tends to be, well,

rather too idiomatic, if you follow me.

MERLIN: I follow you.

SADIE: So we have to be rather careful.

MERLIN: Hmm.

LINDA: Lucille's very funny.

Sadie gets in a fuzz because she uses words

like "pet" and "merde."

At least she's not bloody boring like everyone else.

SADIE: Oh, now, duck!

MERLIN: Now, you listen to me, Miss Linda.

Oh, by your leave, Lady Alconleigh.

SADIE: Oh, of course.

MERLIN: If you are bored,

it is not because other people are boring you,

but because you are boring yourself,

which is to say you are not making use

of the plentiful wits and intelligence

with which God has endowed you.

So we must whip up the horses of your soul,

and give you a thorough mental scouring.

Please don't mix your metaphors, Lord Merlin.

That's better.

Proper criticism, not mere rudeness.

Now then, we shall draw up a list of books

for you to read,

and we shall take you, your mother and I,

to see some well chosen pictures...

beginning with the ones in this house.

FANNY: Linda was quite clever enough to perceive

that the world that she wanted to be in...

the witty, sparkling world of Lord Merlin

and his friends...

was interested in the arts and things of the mind,

and that she would only be able to shine in it

if she became in some way educated.

And another thing,

please remember

the arts are not merely for pleasure,

they provide consolation and philosophy,

sometimes even explanation, as well,

when things go wrong.

When what goes wrong?

When love grows cold

and there's a betrayal of heart and trust.

You'll see, pretty Linda.

Oh, yes.

You, of all people, will see.

MATTHEW: All dressed up I see,

off on another of your art binges.

SADIE: We're going to the Ashmolean with Lord Merlin.

Ah, that sewer again.

Well, I must admit,

since he started you on this culture campaign

some of us have been much more agreeable to live with.

We're planning a little expedition to Stratford, Fa,

to see a play.

We thought you might like to come.

Me?

I haven't been in a theater for...

20 years.

The Old Empire was more my mark.

Nevertheless, Matthew, there's a play

we think you might enjoy.

Wilt thou be gone?

It is not yet near day.

It was the nightingale

and not the lark that pierced the fearful hollow of thine ear.

Nightly she sings on young pomegranate tree.

Believe me, love,

it was the nightingale.

ROMEO: It was the lark,

the herald of the morn, no nightingale.

Look, love, what envious streaks

do lace the severing clouds in yonder east.

MATTHEW: It's all the fault of that damned fool of a padre,

mucking up his errand like that.

That fella, what's his name, Ro-mayo,

might have known that a damned papist

would mess the whole thing up.

Silly old fool of a nurse, too.

I bet she was an R. C... .

Dismal old bitch.

And as for that horrible sewer Capulet,

he was a real Wop bug...

Yes, Matthew, darling.

Emily writes that Fanny's last term at school

ends on the 15th of next month.

We shall have to think very carefully

about the arrangements for her season

in London with Linda.

At last, grown up.

At last!

Oh, isn't it lovely

to be lovely grown up me?

Not so fast, miss.

You needn't think you're grown up

because you've been allowed to put your hair up

and take a dance or two in London.

You're grown up when you're 21,

or when you're married,

or when you can pay your own bills.

So don't start getting any ideas.

I've been thinking about our ball for Fanny and Linda.

Oh, another of those beastly balls?

SADIE: Down here again, I think... not in London.

Oh, well, if we must.

So long as you don't start upsetting yourself

as you did over the last one.

You needn't worry, I feel quite an old hand at it now.

Besides, Louisa will be a great help

in providing a lot of young men.

Those dreadfully dull Scottish boys she knows.

Most of the girls who'll come

will be dreadfully dull as well.

You make the whole thing sound too impossibly dreary

before it's even started.

[Band plays]

Gracious!

You've improved since last time!

Linda and I have been taking dancing lessons.

Ah!

Well, that's it, I'm afraid.

I must give Linda a turn.

I think Linda's booked by one of Louisa's Scottish boys.

Lord Merlin.

Oh, my dear Lady Alconleigh.

I'm so delighted to see you.

Oh, my dear!

Who is that tall blond man?

DAVEY: Tony Kroesig,

merchant banker's son.

Merlin asked him to make up the numbers

when someone else dropped out.

How do you know?

He telephoned me

to ask if I thought Kroesig would do,

and I said yes, but only just.

LINDA: He looks splendid to me.

Will you introduce me to him?

Um, I don't know him,

only who he is.

[Upbeat tune begins]

Hello, I'm Linda Radlett.

Oh, how do you do, Linda?

Would you like to dance?

Yes, please.

Try it.

What shall you wish for?

MATTHEW: Ahh!

DAVEY: Ah, Matthew.

I think one of the oil stoves is smoking!

Who is that young sewer with Linda?

Uh... Kroesig.

Merchant banker, you know, his son.

MATTHEW: Kroesig? Good God!

I never expected to harbor a full-blooded Hun in the house.

Who on earth asked him?

Merlin brought him.

I knew that bloody Merlin would start bringing

foreigners here sooner or later.

But I didn't think that even he

would land one with a German...

and a tradesman at that.

Banker, Matthew.

Well, exactly so.

Tradesman.

Now don't you think it's about time

someone took champagne to the band?

You can if you want.

I'm going down to the boiler room

to talk to Tim, the boilerman.

In the middle of the ball?

Ballroom's full of Huns and rubbish.

At least Tim's British,

talks good sense about coke.

This Linda-Kroesig thing won't do at all.

You shouldn't have brought him.

Well, I had to get someone.

You said he'd do.

"Only just," I said.

Best thing you can do now is to get him out of here

before Matt Alconleigh cuts off his head

with that entrenching tool.

Very well.

Young man, we have to go.

Good night, Linda.

See you at the meet tomorrow.

[Dogs barking]

MAN: Over here!

Come on, come on!

Come on, come!

[Growls]

There it is, over there!

[Dogs whining]

[Dogs barking]

The poor hare.

FANNY: It was the one

romantic gesture of Tony Kroesig's life.

LINDA: He said he'd ring me when he got back to Oxford.

Suppose it rings and I'm not there.

FANNY: Well, suppose it rings and you are there.

What can you say in front of Uncle Matt?

I'll...

I'll pretend it's Lavender Davis.

You know how dreary she is.

That'll make it all sound respectable

and put Fa off his guard.

[Telephone rings]

Alconleigh.

Linda Radlett speaking.

Ooh!

Ooh, just a moment please.

It's Lavender Davis.

How exciting!

I've been waiting to hear from her for days.

Oh, I didn't know you cared that much.

Dismal girl.

Face like a carp.

I can't stand being

in the same room with her when she's talking...

even on that thing.

LINDA: Sorry, Lavender... Tony, I mean!

I just had to sneeze.

But I should never be allowed to.

He wants me to go to lunch

in Oxford next Thursday.

FANNY: Lunch?

LINDA: Well, that's what he called it.

But, Tony, I shouldn't be able to come

without mummy or...

He says that's all rot

and several girls are coming from London

and if I must bring someone, I can bring you, if I like.

I don't think I count.

Oh, I know.

But I can't explain to him about Sadie and Fa

being so medieval.

Oh, Fanny, darling, if I said yes,

Fa would kill us.

Whatever shall I do?

Say yes, or you'll die of it anyway.

All right, yes!

Not just yet.

Mummy?

Lavender Davis rang, and she's asked Fanny and me

to luncheon there next Thursday.

Well, duck, I'm afraid you can't have my car.

Oh, Mummy, please do let me go, I do so want to go.

Dismal girl, that Lavender.

LINDA: Fa, you don't understand.

There's a man coming who knows all about baby badgers.

You know how long I've wanted a baby badger.

SADIE: When you go up to London to the season,

you won't want to be bothered about baby badgers.

LINDA: But we're not going to London just yet,

and we shan't be there forever.

- Thank God. - So please, Mummy, darling.

SADIE: Oh, well, we'll see.

Perhaps I can borrow Fa's Morris or...

or Josh can take me in the Daimler.

LINDA: You are kind.

Oh, you are kind.

I do long for a baby badger!

LINDA: We must get hold of some powder.

FANNY: And rouge.

LINDA: We can blue our eyes out of Jassy's paint box.

And sleep in curlers.

LINDA: I'll get the verbena soap out of mummy's bathroom,

and if we let it melt in the bath

and soak in it for hours, we shall smell delicious!

JASSY: I thought you loathed Lavender Davis.

LINDA: Oh, shut up, Jassy.

You said she was a horrible counter-Hon

and that you'd like to bash in her silly face

with the Hon's mallet.

FANNY: She never said that.

LINDA: You drive, Fanny.

Why have you got

your London suits on for Lavender Davis?

Oh, do go away, Jassy.

Why are you starting already?

You'll be hours too early.

We're going to see the badger before luncheon.

JASSY: How red your face is, Linda.

Oh, you do look funny.

VICTORIA: Be careful with the handle, Fanny.

You might catch your eyelashes with it.

If you don't shut up and go away,

I swear I'll put your newt back in the pond.

JASSY: Why don't you bring Lavender back here

after luncheon?

VICTORIA: For a nice long cozy chat?

LINDA: Not very Honnish of them.

Do you think they can possibly have guessed?

FANNY: Never mind them.

LINDA: Do you think we've allowed enough time?

FANNY: We've allowed enough time for two punctures, Linda,

and I've got the sixpence safely

for the Clarendon car park.

ADULT FANNY: It wasn't very enjoyable

from our point of view.

They all roared with laughter at private jokes

and endlessly showed off.

Still, we felt that this was life,

and would have been quite happy just looking on,

had it not been for our ghastly feelings of guilt.

MAN, LAUGHING: You see, when they take a drink...

FANNY: Every time the door opened,

we expected it to be Uncle Matthew

cracking a whip.

KROESIG: Oh, I go hunting about three times a year, you know.

And we had an absolutely marvelous day yesterday.

We found in Calvert's,

and set off at a spanking pace across the Cricket,

and then, by Jove, just short of Mouldsby's Acre,

my horse went lame.

But would you believe it,

just then my man appeared with my second mount,

so off we went again.

[Laughter]

ADULT FANNY: Even in such totally

unpropitious surroundings,

love had increased three-fold in one short day.

JASSY: So how was Lavender?

VICTORIA: Did she roar at your eyelids?

JASSY: You better go and wash before Fa sees you.

VICTORIA: Did you see the baby badger?

LINDA: Oh, leave me alone, you horrible counter-Hons.

JASSY: Not so fast, you two.

Fa wants you both in the business room.

As soon as you came back, he said.

Sooner you than me by the look of him.

Do realize if you were married women,

your husbands could divorce you for this?

No, they couldn't, Fa.

I know all about divorce

because I've read all the stuff...

Don't interrupt your father.

Now we know you can't be trusted,

we shall have to take certain steps.

Fanny, you can go straight home tomorrow,

and I never want to see you here again,

do you understand?

Emily will have control of you from now on,

but you will turn out the same way as your mother,

as sure as eggs is eggs.

Are eggs.

As for you, miss,

there's no question of a London season now.

Too many chances for slipping off.

You can stew in your own juice here.

Goodbye, darling Fanny!

Oh, you are lucky not to be poor miserable me.

Goodbye.

Bye.

FANNY: Heaven alone knows how they found out.

Pure magic.

DAVEY: Quite simple really.

Somebody left a scarf in Kroesig's room

and he rang Alconleigh

to ask if it was either of you.

EMILY: It's all in Sadie's letter.

FANNY: What now?

Uncle Matthew said there was no more question

of a London season, and that Linda would have to be watched

every minute of the day.

DAVEY: As I told you before, Fanny,

Matt Alconleigh is like the Demon King in the pantomime,

who leaps up out of the trap door,

all horns, hot air, and cackle.

John Fort William and I

have quietly explained to him

that what you two did, by modern standards,

was perfectly normal.

EMILY: Though it was very wrong of you

to have told such shameless and silly lies.

DAVEY: Matt, of course,

has just crawled back through his trap door.

FANNY: The thin end of the wedge has been inserted.

DAVEY: Linda will get her London season,

and everything will go ahead as planned.

EMILY: Only you will both have to promise

that you will never act in such an underhand way again

and that if there is anything you particularly want to do,

you will always ask your Aunt Sadie.

[Horn honks]

Only then, of course, it will always be "no."

Can you imagine what Sadie would say

if we were asked to a nightclub?

Oh, I do long and long and long

to go to a nightclub.

We might just as well not be grown up at all.

Oh, those young men.

How dull they are, Fanny, do admit.

I do admit.

So like one another, you can't tell them apart.

Let alone remember their names.

Oh, darling Tony.

If only he wasn't still at Oxford.

[Alarm rings]

Time to go out to tea with Fa at the House of Lords.

No, today it's tea

with Aunt Sadie at Gunter's.

ADULT FANNY: And so our season went on.

But then,

early one summer's morning after the ball was over

and we were at last going home,

as we climbed into a taxi with Aunt Sadie,

who would never keep a chauffeur up at night,

when the great hoses were already washing the streets...

KROESIG: Bye-bye. Tally-ho.

Right then, where shall we go?

All right, to the nightclub.

Linda?!

LINDA: Coming, Fa!

MATTHEW: It's that bloody Hun Kroesig on the telephone.

I'm telling him to get the hell out of it.

I will not have you mixed up with Germans,

do you understand?

Well, I am mixed up, as it happens.

I'm engaged to him.