Original subtitles

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You really gonna leave all this for business school?

I was thinkin' about it.

Well, don't.

The best is yet to come.

Hey, honey, I'm home.

You know, I was thinking about you and Bambi,

seeing you two together like that...

Like what?

But she came to, um...

over to, uh, borrow this bra.

- Oh, yes. - Mm-hmm.

I lost mine in a well.

Constance Papadopoulos.

- I love it. - I pitched her on investing in Bottom Dollar.

No, look, she's-she's retired from shipping.

She... no. She has zero publishing experience.

I just hear "deep pockets

with no big ideas of what to do with a magazine."

Why didn't I think of that?

You don't have to. That's why you got me.

Maybe I have one good chapter left.

I cannot believe he was right.

Yes, he was. But do we need him?

Now this is what I call a comeback, huh?

Yeah, baby.

When I bought this company three weeks ago,

this is exactly the kind of cultural happening

that I hoped to become a part of.

And I have this man and his global vision

to thank for pulling me out of a premature retirement

and hosting this historic event.

You know, a lot of people counted us out.

But we are back, and we are better than ever

with the hottest new movie

to launch the hottest new company, BDP.

Remember that name.

We're becoming a major player in media.

And, sure, Minx is our flagship,

but we're gonna be so much more than just one magazine.

I'm CFO, chief fun officer.

And I'm art director, which is an actual title.

We're building a catalog of new magazines.

Hosting fancy parties like this one.

There might even be some merchandise

coming your way.

You said you wanted splashy.

- Is this splashy enough? - Well, it's a beginning.

Where's our star editor? Not here yet?

Oh, Joyce? Uh, she's coming.

She loves red carpets.

She absolutely loves them.

Faith not filth. Faith not filth.

Faith not filth. Faith not filth!

Whoo! Yeah.

- Hello! - Where were you?

Oh, sorry. The 101 was crazy.

No, it wasn't. That's how we got here.

Okay, fine. I was writing my editor's letter.

A fine thank-you for giving her the bigger office.

They're the same size.

The glass creates an optical illusion.

- They are not. - Look, it's the first issue with the new owner.

I wanted to make the right statement, okay?

And, um, speaking of, are we sure that Deep Throat

is really putting our best foot forward?

Oh, I think so. It's a really feminist tale.

It's about a woman searching for an orgasm.

Yeah, which she finds via a clitoris

conveniently located inside of her mouth?

It's always in the last place you look.

This is our big launch, Joycey,

just smile and make us look good.

- Have a little fun. - All right.

This is a big win for us.

- Yeah. - Oh, my gosh,

there are so many fabulous people here.

Any new names on the, uh, guest list?

Red Buttons, the Alans... Alda and Arkin...

and, you're never gonna believe this,

Warren frickin' Beatty.

Connie's gonna love this.

Porn has gone mainstream.

- We should have an after-party, right? - Yes.

- No. No. - Yes, let's do

- an after-party. - God no.

The second this is over, I'm at home in the bath.

Joan Didion has a new piece in the Paris Review.

I've been saving it.

- It's 7,000 words, no pictures. - It's a quick read.

Rich, go take some photos.

Bambs, mingle.

When you see Warren Beatty, let me know.

- I wanna meet him. - Definitely.

What about me?

You're management, baby.

You're not lifting a finger. You just enjoy your night.

Well, we are certainly a long way from Seneca Falls.

Yeah.

Come have a drink with me.

- With pleasure. - You guys have fun.

We will. Nice cane, by the way.

It's a walking stick. Churchill had one.

So did Willy Wonka.

Oh, let him have his moment.

Poor man already feels like an appendage.

- Mr. Renetti... - What?

... I'm Timmy, the projectionist.

Okay.

Sorry, sir, we have a problem.

Deep Throat is missing.

Okay.

Why are you freakin' me out, Timmy?

- They're right here. - Yes, the canisters.

Okay?

What am I lookin' at here?

That's Bedknobs and Broomsticks,

a five-time Academy Award nominated musical fantasy

set during World War II.

Three adorable moppets are placed in the care

of an apprentice witch played by Angela Lansbury.

Apprentice? The woman's nearly 70 years old.

Miss Lansbury's in her early 40s.

She just has one of those faces.

Well, unless somebody comes on that face in the second act,

this audience is gonna eat me alive.

What can I say, Doug?

My old lady made me hire her son.

He's a fuckin' moron.

Yeah, Dwight, I'm talkin' about you.

Aw, you really fucked me on this one, you know that?

You think you got it bad?

I'd hate to be at that birthday party in Palos Verdes.

I'm gonna slide up and down the banister.

I thought the bed was gonna fly.

I guess you could drive over there.

It's a two-hour drive.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I have a theater full of people.

My boss is here.

You are in luck.

There's another copy of the film nearby.

Bob Evans been sittin' on it.

Who the hell is Bob Evans?

He's some Hollywood hotshot,

and I think he did The Godfather.

Here, give me that. Give me that. Come here.

- Director? - Uh, no.

- Writer? - I... I don't know.

All I know is, he's been spankin' it to this movie

- for two weeks straight. - Ali MacGraw

left him for Steve McQueen. Cut the guy some slack.

Doug, what the hell are we doin'?

It's 30 minutes there. It's 30 minutes back.

Please... I'll-I'll vamp for the crowd.

Just please do this for me.

Thomas Guide?

It's in the back seat.

And, please, easy on the brakes.

It's a very expensive car.

Thank you, guys. I love you, I love you,

I love you.

- Everything all right? - Oh, with me?

Fantastic. Thank you for asking.

Who's that? Who's that?

- Hmm? - Who was that?

- I don't know. Is he famous? - Hi!

- Hey. - I didn't think you guys were gonna show.

Yeah, me neither,

especially after I buried the first invitation

at the bottom of the trash can.

But then the second one showed up

and this one got his hands on it,

so here we are.

This scene is wild.

You know what? I am.

I'm gonna unbutton the second button.

- Yes, fun. - No, no, no.

You have that eczema patch.

Oh, just put the chain over it. It'll be foxy.

No, no, no. I got it. I got it.

I got it. It's okay.

That's perfect. Thank you.

You guys, drinkies.

I'm Chief Fun Offering my services.

Um, uh, two Jack and Cokes,

unless you have anything stronger.

Um, I'll see what they have.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, my God.

Thank God you're here.

You can keep me company at this bacchanal.

Is that... uh, is that...

is that... no, don't... is it Telly Savalas?

That could be any bald head.

No, no. Look at the gleam.

That's him. That's Telly Savalas.

- I know it. - God, the Lamberts at Deep Throat.

What is the world coming to?

Well, this film is the talk of the dental community.

Yeah, if that smug Peter Strom wants to brag

about his porcelain veneers again, then I'm gonna say,

"Oh, really? Well, guess what I got to see.

I got to see"... Yul Brynner.

- Oh, is it? - I knew

- it was a celebrity skull. - I do like Yul.

Now the movie's gonna start and I didn't say hi.

Uh, you can talk to him after.

- Shall we do this? - Maybe we're sitting by him.

- All right... - Are we sitting by him?

No, we're definitely not. We're not seated by him.

- How do you know? - Please don't. Please don't.

That's such a snazzy jacket, Lenny.

Thank you.

I don't get to, uh, trot it out very often,

- but... - You know what?

Let's be close to the aisle.

- Okay. Ooh. - Yeah?

- You want me to go... - Oh, that's so cute.

Your bladder's the size of a pea.

- Uh, Joyce... - Yeah.

You know what? You need to sit here.

- We have sister business. - Oh, okay.

Prigger! Joyce!

Can I talk to you for a second? Now?

I'm so sorry, Bambi.

Okay. Yup.

Okay. Sorry. Excuse us.

Sorry.

- Just scootch that on over. - Oh.

Okay, what do you think?

Popcorn, nachos, dog of corn?

Oh, uh, nachos, please.

I have seen popcorn hulls get jammed

right up into the gumline.

- Yeah. - Your job is so interesting.

Oh.

Do you judge people when they get cavities,

or is it nice to feel needed?

Well, is it crazy if I say

it's a little bit of both?

No.

No, well, that's what I was saying...

Oh, no.

Something gone awry with your mob-distributed illegal film?

Okay, listen, Joyce, I-I might have to get up there

and vamp a little bit for the crowd,

and-and-and I might pull you up, okay?

And I'm gonna need you, if you get up there,

to talk about the... kind of the lady Minx

perspective of the movie to keep people going.

All right, the Minx perspective is gonna

be quite happy in her seat, eating Nonpareils, okay?

- Want one? - No, I don't want a Nonpareil.

Those are disgusting.

Fuck.

What?

We're here for the reels.

No. Not Lady Sings the Blues.

Deep Throat.

Okay, thank you. You too.

- Kevin's coming down. - If you say so.

Welcome, everybody,

to the biggest and baddest social event of 1973.

This movie is too hot for New York City.

They couldn't handle it.

Chicago couldn't handle it.

But this is LA, baby.

Can we handle it?

Oh.

But first, I wanna introduce

Minx's own Joyce Prigger.

Come on up, Joycey.

You're gonna love her. I know I do.

Get up, Joycey.

Joyce! Joyce! Joyce! Joyce! Joyce!

Joyce! Joyce! Whoo!

Whoo!

Surely we can work something out, guys.

Shutting this down seems to be an extreme reaction to this situation.

You placed ads on billboards.

You got those drive time idiots

to yammer about it on the radio.

Then you wave your klieg lights across the city

for a movie that's banned in half the country.

You tied the DA's hands.

Friends, you're killin' me right now.

As we're all aware,

Michelangelo was repulsed by the female form.

Um... uh...

Uh, his greatest depictions...

... were of virginal, untouched Mary.

Uh...

Have you guys seen the movie?

It's more arthouse than it is porn.

You know what it's about? It's about a woman

- searching for pleasure... - Mr. Renetti,

this is not a negotiation.

If a single frame of Deep Throat hits that screen,

we're gonna arrest you and everyone here.

You guys really know how to rain

on someone's parade, you know that?

I just don't know what I'm gonna tell

all those people in the theater.

I got no Deep Throat now 'cause of you.

Well, better you say it here

than from the inside of a jail cell.

Good night, Mr. Renetti.

I got egg all over my face, officers.

You win again.

I lose again.

Thanks for nothin', officers.

Deep dish pizza,

a lake as big as an ocean,

- the Cubbies... - Is that a haiku?

No.

I was just listing all the things

that you missed out on by turning down

- the University of Chicago. - Don't start.

Running Minx is my business school.

Tina, you're not running Minx. You're running errands.

Doug can distract us with all the new titles he wants,

but we're still his gofers.

Oh.

There's supposed to be six.

Yeah. Bob wanted to give

the last three one more viewing.

- He's had it for a week. - I don't know, man.

The engagement sequence cheers him up.

All right, I'll drive back with the first set.

You stay and take a cab with the rest.

Wha...

Oh, Porn Schlepping 101. I love that MBA program.

Is that grass?

No.

- Do you have 'em? - Yes.

Yes.

Oh, Tina, hallelujah.

Tell me you weren't ridin' the brakes like that the whole time.

Would you quit worrying?

You kill the brakes when you do that.

Uh, very good guess, but no, that is the perineum.

Warren, for the 12th time, I know you know, all right?

We all know you now. Right?

Gentlemen, does any man in this room

besides Warren Beatty over there,

know where the clitoris is on a female body?

Absolutely not.

Yes, good sir.

The little nubbin under the beret.

Ew. Jeez.

But yes. Yes, yes.

It's the nubbin.

The nubbin, everybody. All right, now, let's...

hey-hey, ladies and gentlemen, you've had enough of me.

Are you ready for the absurdist

cinematic spectacle of our time,

Deep Throat?

So do all of Bob's assistants

have to wait for him to jerk off?

I'm actually a VP at Paramount.

But I started as his assistant,

and he can't stop thinkin' of me that way.

The things he makes me do.

You know, if I ever have an assistant,

I swear I'm gonna be so nice to him.

- I do have an assistant. - Mm.

Who do you think is standing

outside Bob's door right now?

No. No. I'm getting loopier by the second, so...

And if I like you loopy?

Kevin, I'm done. I need

a strawberry milkshake...

... and a menthol cigarette.

Also, I, uh, fired your assistant.

He won't stop crying.

- Duty calls. - Mm.

Can you get me a cab?

I have a better idea.

Listen, having a clitoris

deep down at the bottom of your throat

is better than having no clitoris at all.

That's easy for you to say.

Suppose your balls were in your ear.

Why, then I could hear myself coming.

Listen, we have the problem solved.

All we have to do now is find a solution.

Like what?

Like-like deep throat.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Oh, my God. - Deep what?

Deep throat.

You make it sound so easy.

Well, it is.

Try it. You'll like it.

Well, what have I got to lose?

- Come dear. - How much time we got left, Timmy?

Seven, maybe eight minutes.

Well, it-it's better to give the audience

some Deep Throat than no Deep Throat, right?

No. It's way worse.

- See this crack? - Yeah.

Sound of Music, '66. We spooled out

right as the Nazis rushed in.

All right, so we are about to give blue balls

to this entire theater.

Is that what you're telling me right now?

Yes, sir.

Teens? Teens? Please.

I need you.

I need you to go find Richie and figure out what the holdup is.

By the time I get there and back,

this reel'll be long done. It doesn't m...

No, I have a plan for that. I have a plan for that.

I'm gonna have Joyce go up there

and tap dance a little bit.

- Please. Please. - Okay, but it...

- it just doesn't make sense. - I... I... I need you to go, please.

- I'm begging you. - Ooh, okay. Yep.

Oh, God.

It's a lot. Right?

I've mostly been watching the crowd

- instead of the screen. - What? Oh, no.

I-I-I had a large cola.

You know, after three kids, whoosh, goes right through ya.

Well, Lenny seems to be having a good time.

Oh, yeah. Mark my words,

he's in there workshopping a Deep Throat joke

he'll be telling for years.

Huh? Ow!

What's wrong with you?

- Joan Didion? - Oh, my God.

Is it the auth... Joan Didion? Is she here?

- Hi. Hi. - Oh, God.

- I'm, uh... I'm Joyce... - Joyce Prigger, yeah.

I enjoyed your little performance.

Oh, God. Blech.

What are you doing here?

Forming an opinion.

I wanted to see what all the... the fuss was about.

Well, people are here.

You know, and people are really laughing.

But I-I think that's because of the collective anxiety

of watching something so unsettling on screen.

The laughter's a nervous release, you know?

I think they're laughing 'cause it's a comedy.

Yes. I-I agree.

Well, I don't think it was their intent,

but, uh, regardless,

they seem to have stumbled onto something.

And will you excuse me?

Hey, Joan?

Um, fun idea just occurred to me.

What if you wrote about this for Minx?

Uh...

Just some small musings, really.

Just you... just your thoughts on what it all means.

It is possible to continue this conversation at another time?

Well, uh, actually,

um, we're having an after-party,

um, which you should come to.

Um, and we can... we can chat there

if you like and talk about life

and star signs and...

- Um... - Oh.

- There you go. - Yeah.

Is this in the valley?

Help me push this against the door.

- It might buy us some time. - Stop it.

Her-her-her eyes were smiling.

You know? Like-like-like,

from ear to ear. Oh!

Oh, God, no!

Oh! Oh, God.

Oh, that's terrible.

Find reel four.

- All right. Jesus. - Oh, okay.

I haven't seen any of it. How am I supposed to know

- what's in reel four? - Shout it out.

- I'll know. - I've got, uh, pubic shaving.

Is this the nurse making whoopie?

There's a straw coming out of her vagina.

That's Coke dildo.

Coke dildo starts reel four.

All right, give me reel four.

It's reel four. Give it to me.

Thank you. Come on.

Oh, my God. Give me that.

- Come on. - Fuck!

Je... God, reel four.

Case 358. Albert Finster. Age 25.

Bachelor.

Has an obsession in finding out

that things really do go better with Coke.

Relax your muscles...

♪ I'd like to try ♪

♪ Please don't think less of me ♪

♪ I'd like to drink a little Coke ♪

All right.

Oh. Thank you. You're very kind.

Thank you.

Hi, hello.

Did you enjoy it? Love your boa.

'Kay, thank you. Great to meet you.

Thank you. Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.

All right, you should put some ice on that,

because we have an after-party to host.

Thought you nixed that. Who was it, Joyce Carol Oates

in the bathtub, reading a book or something?

No, it's Joan Didion, and she's coming to the party, okay?

She might actually be writing about Deep Throat for our magazine.

Oh, God, this really is a cultural phenomenon.

- Uh... it's not gonna happen. - Hi.

We don't have time to throw a party.

What? No, it's fine. Constance is all over it.

She's got a caterer on retainer.

- Constance... - Yeah.

... is gonna stock the booze for one of our parties?

- Yeah. - No.

- Why? - No, no, if we're gonna do it,

it's gotta be Tina. I'll send Tina.

- She knows what good... - Tina! Where is Tina?

I haven't seen her all evening. Thank you.

Hi! Oh, my God, hi.

Enjoy!

- Great choice. - ♪ Oh, baby ♪

♪ If it's all right... ♪

No, no, I liked it. I liked it.

Of course, I've had a lot of women patients,

but the only thing I've ever found

in the back of a woman's throat is esophageal cancer.

So another... oh, yeah.

Hey, you're driving.

Oh, the green ones are for focus.

Astronauts take them to survive reentry.

- You can have half. - Ooh.

- Give it. - I love what you did with the lens flare.

It makes you feel like someone's looking.

Most people get derailed

by the monster cock.

Oh. Funny and talented.

Hope you're ready to hit the big time.

Okay.

Well, the difference is, cane's got a crook,

whereas this baby right here... check that out.

Nepalese fire opal.

They say it's cursed.

I say it's expensive.

- Ahem. - A great piece.

♪ I know you're gonna make it all right ♪

Oh, yeah? When I was a kid,

I thought a blow job was someone

literally blowing on your dick.

No, the first time I saw a penis,

I thought it was a long belly button.

What kind of wackos send these unsolicited?

Aw, grandpa thinks he belongs in a magazine.

That's Wayne. He has a purple heart.

Yeah. And a purple penis.

Um...

Hey, can I get a refill?

♪ Now, I know that when I take you... ♪

Ah, nothing more attractive

than a man doing the dishes.

You know, if you were 20 years younger,

I might just lock you away in my tower.

Well, if you were ten years older,

I might let ya.

I'm just sayin' my goodbyes.

Not bad for our maiden voyage, huh?

What do you think? You happy?

I especially appreciate the way you handled

the debacle with the missing reels and the police.

- What police? - Mm-hmm.

I know that you're used to taking care

of all these things by yourself, but use me.

I was the DA's third-largest donor,

and that prickly son of a bitch owes me.

Good to know.

But I like what I saw tonight, Douglas.

I'm very excited to roll up our sleeves

and see where this is gonna go.

Me too.

Oh, and by the way,

awfully generous of you to give Joyce the larger office.

You are a gentleman.

Your car is on Mulholland

somewhere between Coldwater and Laurel Canyon.

That Rolls is a piece of shit, and so are you.

I shouldn't have sent you,

but there was no way I could have reached...

Laurel and Coldwater?

That's a two-mile stretch, Teens.

Tough shit.

I just walked into a big-ass party that I wasn't invited to

for a movie I didn't get to see.

Go back to the party, guys.

Have fun. Tina, please,

you think that was my intention?

There was no way I could reach you.

Résumés for my replacement.

I am the managing editor, Doug, not your secretary.

If you need me, I'll be drinking

your secret Scotch in Joyce's office.

That's where the fun seems to be.

The... the... the only thing

I've found at the back of a woman's throat

is a swollen uvula.

Okay, these pills are definitely making me funnier.

- Can I have the other half now? - No. It's 2:00 a.m.

The sitter probably thinks we're dead.

Okay, so what's another hour?

You've had enough, okay?

Y-you can tell all your friends tomorrow at the club

about your big party with the porn stars.

That's what you think this night is about?

Shell...

Something is going on with you, and I don't know what.

And I-I don't quite know why, but I just figured

it would be good for us to get away

from the kids and the house and the responsibilities,

try to have a little fun together?

I would like that, too,

to have some fun with you.

Look, I love you.

And-and whatever this is,

I wanna figure it out with you.

Do whatever it takes.

I do still have that other half, so...

♪ ... to your lips, darlin' ♪

♪ It's poison to some ♪

Come with me.

I know a place.

... kiss.

- Oh. - Watch out,

the cabinet on the left is a little wobbly.

Okay.

You're the belle of the ball.

Joan! Hi.

I didn't know you were here. Hi.

That's by design.

Oh.

Is that your notebook?

Are you-are you considering writing the piece?

I don't think I have much to say about Deep Throat.

Oh. Really?

Mm.

But doesn't it seem like people are longing

for a way to be more open about sexuality

and-and to ask questions without feeling shame?

And so they've turned this ridiculous movie into this spectacle

to give themselves a way to do just that.

And, do you know, I don't think it stops there.

I-I think... I don't know.

This feels like the beginning of something.

♪ It's poison for some ♪

Sounds like you've already started writing it.

♪ So wait like a lady ♪

♪ Lady, lady, lady ♪ ♪ Lady, lady, lady ♪

♪ Wait like a lady ♪ ♪ Wait like a lady ♪

♪ Lady, lady, lady... ♪

- Hey. - Hey.

Well, this is the biggest party we've ever thrown.

Oh, by far.

Ernest Borgnine and Warren Beatty

came to blows in the parking lot.

What? Why didn't anybody come tell me?

It wasn't a fair fight.

Ernie dropped with one punch.

Ugh, I fucking missed everything.

I think I like the old parties better.

Yeah. Porn's gone mainstream.

Eighteen.

Motherfuck.

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