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I'm sorry I was late, Miss Melons.

I promise it'll never happen again.

I'm sorry, can we take a short break?

I just have a tiny question.

Okay. Make it quick, Bambi.

- Blackboard's a rental. - Right.

Just wondering, should I really be punishing her?

Uh, yeah. That's kind of the premise of the magazine.

No, I get that.

It's just that maybe she was tardy for a reason.

Did anyone ask her? Maybe there's trouble at home.

Sexy trouble.

These are the naughty schoolgirls of Bad Girl High.

- They do bad stuff. - Mm-hmm.

You spank their bottoms. That's the whole story.

Typically, yes.

Uh, but maybe not in this instance.

Okay? Staci, please rise.

Hey, you can tell me.

Was there a reason that you were late this morning?

Uh...

Um...

my dad was working late.

Right. 'Cause he's a cop

and he works the graveyard shift with his partner, Rico.

Yeah. Yeah, and there was a shootout.

And Rico didn't make it,

so you were comforting your dad.

Well, since Mom died, I'm all he's got.

And for this she is getting spanked?

We should be supporting her,

not punishing her for her kindness.

Times they are a-changing, Phil.

Staci needs to be getting her degree

so she can bring this compassion to the workforce.

I don't know what the fuck you're talking about,

but this is the energy we need.

I'm trying to make an important point here, Phil.

This isn't "Minx." We don't do points.

Stacy, bend over.

And, uh, lick the apple.

- Hey, Terri. - Hi.

- Ooh, lookin' good, Joel. - Ah, thanks, Joyce.

Great.

Oh, Alisdair. He got his fur washed.

- Hey. Carnal Coeds back in session, are they? - I wish.

I'm somehow on the tenure track at Bad Girl High.

Speaking of, if there's any way

I can be more involved at "Minx"...

What happened to centerfold coordination?

Well, turns out that's a two-day-a-month job,

but I have 30 days of inspiration.

Well yeah, sure. What do you have in mind?

Um, I could always do the, um...

Or, um, you know the, uh...

You know what? You just have a think

- and you let me know. - Okay.

- Okay? - Bonjour, ma belle.

- Bonjour. - Guess what you get to approve?

Oh, my God, really? Already?

- How do they look? - Oh, decent.

I think maybe next time I'd go two stops darker.

But, uh, you tell me.

Oh, they're even better than I imagined.

Oh, thank God you think so too!

I love that we're saying something, you know?

You see the pain in his eyes?

It's like he's internalizing the harassment

endured by generations of women.

That's actually the moment

he found out what we're paying him.

- Oh, well... - Hey, kid.

- Yeah? - You ready to go?

Yes. Been ready my whole life.

Just selling ad space for my magazine.

- He's taking you with him? - Yup.

Culmination of a childhood dream.

No big deal.

It is a big deal.

- I'm here if you need me. - Great.

Right on!

I'm not recognizing a lot of these buyers.

What happened to the mission-driven nonprofits I mentioned?

Oh, we need companies who can actually give us money.

That's kind of how we finance this operation

unless you wanna sell "Minx" for 49.99.

- I would pay that. - Oh, cool. Well, that's one.

Oh, can we add the Feminist Federal Credit Union?

Joycie, my ad guys did their homework.

These are all huge gets.

We'll be lucky if any of these people want in, okay?

Don't be nervous.

Just be your classy Harvard self.

- Vassar. - Whatever.

Women's liberation. What does it mean?

Well, I'll tell you what it means to me.

It means liberating women from the $400 million

in disposable income they spend every year.

Our format melds the precepts of female emancipation

with mature but thematically appropriate content.

We think of ourselves as creating the female gaze.

Women are sexual, but it starts with the brain.

You see, one issue of "Cosmo"

sold over 3 million copies in one month.

Why? 'Cause that good old Burt Reynolds

showed his hairy thighs.

Not your cup of tea, maybe not mine.

Who cares?

'Cause we're talking

about money... a lot of money.

And I'm guessing that's what...

So much flavor in one little box.

Wolfhagen.

Three beers takes me from bow to wow!

Yum-derwear.

A candy coating for that juicy center.

I'm telling you, Minx is gonna give it to 'em

and we're gonna give it to 'em good.

Maybe two, but Pleasure Garden?

I mean, they're huge and they never had a way

to market directly to women. Now they do.

So 10, 15 ads... that alone pays for our book.

Kid, we're gonna wet the panties

of every chick in America.

Hey, where're you going? The car is that way.

What's the problem, Joyce? That went great.

The ads were an affront to all womenkind.

And those products... ball gags and French ticklers?

What's the pr... do you hate sex?

No. No! It's... no.

I... it's just... it's... it's...

No. It's supposed to be private is all.

And it's just people like me, we don't discuss...

- vaginal lubricant. - Don't be such a snob.

The world does not begin and end in Pasadena.

Yeah. Our magazine might, though.

Okay.

If want a certain kind of reader,

we have to advertise upscale products.

Okay? We gotta lure them in with pantyhose

and perfume... things that make them feel safe.

You think I never tried to get Cadillacs and caviar?

Classy companies have never put their ad

across from a pair of titties.

And they're certainly not going anywhere near a dong.

Yeah, no. Obviously not when you talk about it like that.

Maybe it's better if I just speak with

the high-end buyers directly.

What?

What does she think she's gonna do?

Just cold call a shampoo company?

- Doug. - I mean, I only

brought her along so that these guys would know that I was legit.

Tin, she's like the, um...

she's like the hood ornament, right?

But me, I'm the whole car.

- You done? - No, I'm never done.

You know that. But go ahead.

It pains me to say this,

but they kind of liked the hood ornament.

Pleasure Garden called. They want in.

- No kidding? - But their in-house guys

don't know how to do an ad for ladies,

so they want us to spec it for them.

Joyce is gonna love this.

You jokers hit the jackpot on this one.

This ad is gonna write itself.

All hail Lucifer's Horn.

What's the deal with the double ends?

Those "Minx" chicks got two fox holes or something?

It's for lesbians, Perry.

You know, the only women not attracted to you.

Give me five minutes with 'em.

Five minutes seems about right.

There have to be better advertisers than that.

Do you get who your audience is?

I mean, "Minx" is for sexually liberated chicks, okay?

Yes, but our penis is for political purposes, okay?

It's about shifting power dynamics and gender reparations.

Kid, I hate to break it to you,

but you can't control what readers are gonna do

with that fireman's schlong.

Some might even jerk off to it.

I don't have to help them do that.

And no one's asking you to.

I got my best ad guys on it.

Oh, my God.

I could have done anything with my life.

I did quite well on the GRE.

Oh, my God. It's as big as his thigh!

Oh, Pedro, more tea please.

Thank you so much. This is so cool.

I feel like a secret agent.

Yeah, well, it might stay a secret forever.

Doug's ads, I'm telling you, they could kill "Minx"

before it even gets off the ground.

I think you're overreacting. Thank you.

Oh, really? You do? Okay, so would be comfortable

getting your nails done, reading a magazine

- full of double dongs. - Double... doubles?

- Doubles, did you say? - The Prigger sisters.

- Hi, Mr. Ross. - Hello, Mr. Ross.

Oh, bacon.

Your generation of ladies... not afraid to eat.

- Oh. - It does keep one alive.

My wife, she swears by half a grapefruit each morning

and then on Wednesday, she adds cottage cheese.

Well, I've seen Bitsy on the courts,

and she's looking incredibly trim.

Yeah. If only she had Joyce's forehand.

Oh, ha ha, well, she more than makes up for it

with that nasty backhand of hers.

Oh, pancakes.

I see someone is treating themselves.

How dare they!

"On Thursdays I permit Bitsy

to loosen her girdle by one notch."

Oh, she sniffs two blueberries

and then downs a fistful of Dexedrine.

How does that fossil stay in power?

Mr. Ross has been president here for, what,

- like, 30 years? - Yeah.

He's the richest.

And all these men love to suck up.

You know it's not just tea parties and tennis here, Joyce.

This is a place of business.

I bet there are people here who could teach me

a thing or two about advertising.

You know, like, give me the tools that I need

to convince Doug to let me do it my way.

Well, yeah, I mean, there's more CEOs on the golf course

right now than this Doug fella has met in his entire life.

Mr. Irving. Oh, I was so sorry

to hear about the tournament.

What happened to your niece, it was a travesty.

She doesn't hold a candle to you on the courts.

- Oh. - You were like a gazelle.

- That is very sweet. Um, while I have you...

I'm in a new entrepreneurial venture,

and I'd love to pick your brain.

How do you make ad buys?

Is that agency based or is that business to business?

I came here to relax, Miss Prigger,

not educate impudent young ladies.

Uh-huh.

What do you look for in advertising partners?

Just a vague description would suffice.

It's a magazine with a penis.

That sounds very nice.

Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much.

- I like looking at pictures. - Do you?

"While he's serving his country,

she's serving herself."

Vietnam? I don't know, guys.

Maybe we leave politics out of it.

Well, it's a cool gun though, isn't it?

Yeah. And she has a weapon of her own.

See the symmetry?

No, I got it. What's next, guys?

"No one will know your dirty little secret."

Kinda shamey, right?

I mean, we want them to buy it.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Okay. Uh...

"When you don't have a ring, it's the next best thing."

Okay, that's just mean.

Doesn't make it not true, though.

Guys, we don't wanna bully these women.

We wanna get them off.

Okay. We did have this one other one.

It might be a little closer to what you're looking for.

- Let's see it. - We were thinking

women love strength, right? Mm?

"Trust the machine."

All right. Thanks, guys. Great.

Well, that was a bust.

All they're willing to talk to me about

is my figure and my tennis game.

Oh, your forehand was a marvel.

But I guess they call it a boys' club for a reason.

Oh, my God. What now?

- Uh, Miss Prigger, um... - Yeah, hi.

Little bird told me that you've been

conducting business on club grounds.

Yeah, I was trying to, anyway.

You boys make it look so easy.

Then I became aware that you are marketing explicit

and scandalous content to young women?

I wouldn't call women's liberation scandalous.

Well, you always were the club rabble-rouser, weren't you?

I don't wanna be mean, Doug,

but these make me hate myself,

and I love myself.

These make me hate men.

And they kind of make me hate you.

- Oh, yeah. For sure. - Please simmer down.

That's why I brought you guys in here,

to get a female perspective, right?

So I don't know. Bambi,

what would make you buy a vibrator?

I don't know... I have a whole drawer full already.

But, I don't know, maybe if it tickled a little deeper

or if it went, like, a...

Like a syncopation thing.

Or maybe if it played music.

Oh, also price is important. I'm on a budget.

These are all really great.

Any ideas how to take that brainstorm and put it on paper?

Um...

No.

I guess I can't be a magazine advertising person.

Guess who harpooned a whale!

Whoo!

Yeah!

And then he said, "I personally find nudity

to be distasteful, but I believe this venture of yours

will be popular with modern women."

And I think he meant "modern" like an insult,

but I will take what I can get.

Beckley Cosmetics? I never heard of them.

It's just one of Mr. Ross' many holdings,

a fact that you would know

if you had researched upscale markets.

Beckley's market is the old folks' home.

- No one under 80 wears it. - And they test on bunnies.

Oh, my God. Enough with the bunnies, okay?

- All they do is shit and fuck. - So do we.

How many ads is this guy buying?

We will know after our pitch at the club tomorrow,

5:00 on the dot during the Summer Soirée.

Great. Well, let me know how it goes.

Uh, y... well, actually,

I... I suggested to Mr. Ross

that he sit with you as well.

Just out of respect, you know,

so that we both have a voice in the process.

He wants to meet your male publisher.

All right, fine. There is a patriarchal mindset

amongst the establishment.

But that is exactly why we need "Minx," okay?

It's to dismantle these systems of oppression.

One lipstick ad at a time.

I wanna go on record and say that this is bullshit.

It's a rich-girl-favor meeting

and I will come and I will give it my best,

but if this doesn't work,

you're all in on the Pleasure Garden.

Your skepticism is my fuel.

- Ooh, we're shaking. - Mm-hmm.

Saddle up, partners, we're going to the "cunty" club.

- Um... - Well, if you're gonna

drag me to some lame party,

I'm bringing people who can hang.

Well, it's just they won't have fun there.

Clubs are a gas.

JP Getty and I used to make love

on the golf course at Maidstone.

Mm. And I love mingling with the colonizers.

Tins, you do love a raw bar.

Not as much as I love an open bar.

Oh. Wow.

The more the merrier, then.

Looks like the hood ornament's driving the car now.

Joyce.

- Hello, Glenn. - I, uh...

I-I didn't think you'd be here.

Uh, well, I do still belong, so...

Right. Um...

Glenneth, where'd you put my wrap?

Joyce, this is... this is my friend, Kitty.

Kitty Lawson.

Oh, my God, of course. Yeah. I used to...

I used to babysit you.

When I was eight.

You pierced my ears with an ice cube and a potato.

That's right. I did do that for you.

- The holes stretched. - Oh.

My lobes are so delicate.

They might as well be made of gossamer.

- Emma! - How are you?

We missed you at the croquet party.

Sorry.

I... I hope this isn't too awkward for you.

No. No.

No, it's not awkward for me at all.

No, um... she needed a new sitter

when I went off to college anyway, so...

You take care, okay? Nice to see you.

I asked for a Grasshopper.

Did you?

Oh, sorry, Kendra. It's taken.

This one's taken. Keep moving.

Oh, I didn't even know you owned a dress.

- Taken. - All right, Shelly.

You just need to calm down.

This is your first advertising pitch

and I just want it to be perfect, right?

Yeah, it will be.

Uh-uh. Can you not see I'm standing here?

Roger.

Eileen, I love that dress.

Mm. So many shrimp.

Ooh, and the big ones, too.

What are you wearing?

What? You said "Dress for the occasion."

This looks like the "Rich and Horny" wardrobe.

That's because it is.

Look, it was either this or "Victorian Vixens."

Please excuse my sister's lack of manners.

I think you look just fine. I'm Shelly.

- Oh, hey. - Hi. Oh... hi.

Hi. Shelly. Shelly.

- Shelly. - Older or younger?

Someone's been brought up right.

- Well... - So, I gotta say, this place

is not as nice as I thought it would be.

- The hedges need pruning. - Oh, that's 'cause it's June

and the wrens are still nesting in them.

I have the same problem at my chateau.*

- Okay. - Okay.

Let's get this show on the road.

Oh, good, I have a table saved all right over here...

Oh, the Coopers.

Hey, Dianne.

- L'Chaim. - Oh.

Let's introduce you to Mr. Ross, okay?

Who gives a mare's behind? They're bunnies.

What are we supposed to do, test on humans?

A good point as always, Mr. Ross.

They're unhinged, these activists.

What's next, a ban on DDT?

Gentlemen.

I see you put your face on for the evening.

Oh, I just wore a little eyeliner, that's all.

This must be the famous Mr. Renetti.

It is. You have a beautiful club here, sir.

Lovely hedges.

Yeah, well, they're a bit unruly this time of year.

The ladies are quite up in arms

- about protecting the wrens. - Oh, those ladies.

They have opinions about everything these days.

- We do. - They've made my business quite... challenging.

- Oh, I bet. - We feel we can help you.

You seem to have figured it out, hm?

60% growth in the last five years,

4 million circulation.

You've done your homework, sir.

Yeah, he has.

So that is why we believe that "Minx" can really

help you because it is a platform...

Okay. Okay. Enough of the chit-chat.

But maybe we should get down to brass tacks.

Yes, I would love that.

- My thoughts exactly. - Mr. Renetti,

let's adjourn to the lounge.

I hope you're a Cohiba man.

If you got 'em, I'll smoke 'em.

I'll see you later, then.

I mean, baby oil works great as, like, a base,

but if you wanna be really brown, you have to

add Crisco and then spray yourself with Pam.

Honey, that's how I roast a ham.

And here I thought you were Portuguese.

No, no, no. I'm white as heck.

She's like a ghost really.

You know what, Bambi is so talented.

She can open beer bottles with her teeth.

Pick up tissues with ropes of spit.

- Uh-uh. - Mm-hmm.

- Yup. - Wow.

- There it is. - Are they all mouth related?

Well, my tongue was clipped when I was two.

- Okay. - I have a lot of party tricks

but not a lot of actual skills.

And working with your sister is so amazing.

I mean, she cares about so many things.

- Yeah. - I wanna make a difference.

You'll figure it out.

Eleanor Roosevelt started out as arm candy too.

To Eleanor!

Yes!

Oh, my God. Your lives seem so fun.

All I do with my mouth is yell.

Can I interest you in a twilight swim?

Uh, I didn't bring my suit.

You don't need one.

Oh, you're kidding.

- Really? - Yeah.

I gotta hand it to you, you set a nice hook.

It was a pretty easy reel-in for me.

I mean, obviously I'm no angling enthusiast,

but I think I can get what that means from context.

He wants the inside cover for some fancy skin line

and then a few half-pages for, I don't know,

some eye-related goo. But he's in.

It looks like Cadillacs and caviar are in play.

Au revoir, le double dong.

Oh, my God.

One other thing is, uh,

Mr. Ross wants me to toss in a night with Bambi.

Uh, you're not suggesting...

I am. In order to close the deal,

he wants a night with Bambi at his...

I guess you could call it his "fuck pad" at the Ravenswood.

But I will defer to you.

I'll let you decide if those terms are acceptable.

Ha ha, very funny.

This is his address and the code

to get in the back entrance.

You could try it yourself,

just be prepared for a handsy old man

who probably only gets semi-hard.

I'm sorry, kid, but this card is who these people really are.

This isn't music.

No, "The Great American Songbook,"

now, that is music.

No, poetry.

♪ Night and day, you are the one ♪

♪ Only you beneath the moon ♪

♪ And under the sun ♪

Hope I'm not interrupting.

Cole Porter is who you're interrupting.

I hear we're going to be in business.

You heard right, young lady.

Your partner, Mr. Renetti, got a good head on his shoulders.

So is this the address we should use for your contract?

All my life, you've lorded over this club.

And I have had to listen to your toasts and your agendas

and your archaic rules about dressing modestly

and acting with decorum.

I don't know what you're insinuating,

but clearly, you have misread the situation.

Oh, so you're not a vile misogynist

who makes a deal to have a human being

delivered to his bed?

It's all right, everyone.

It's just Miss Prigger in one of her tizzies.

Yeah. Yeah.

And that was just Mr. Ross' hand on my ass

when I was 12 years old and won the Juniors Tennis Tournament.

You wanna know why I'm never on the courts anymore?

It's because that ass grab made me quit.

Oh, none of you are gonna say anything?

You are an embarrassment.

It's a good thing your father didn't live to see this day.

Ooh...

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Uh...

You're fine.

God, I've wanted to do that for years.

I didn't even know you could break three ribs at once.

Doug told me what he said,

so I gave it a little extra oomph.

- So a new talent. - Ooh.

Jesus, Prigger.

Who knew you could throw a punch?

I can never come back to this place.

And I think I'm fine with that.

Hey, Joyce, when I, uh...

when I met that man and realized that he might actually

advertise in our magazine, I'm not gonna lie to you, kid,

I got...

I got really excited.

Yeah.

I mean, what, you don't think I want to, uh,

I don't know, be in business with people

who've got real money?

Chum it up at The Palm on somebody else's dime?

Yeah, that's not...

that's not where we are, though.

No, but I believe we will be.

You and me together on our terms.

I like the sound of that.

Good.

'Cause I need you to do something for me.

Oh, God.

There's so many textures and sizes.

Oh, this one has a very realistic vein.

Oh, I got an idea. How about, "Dildos.

When every other advertiser says no."

Can I ask a crazy question?

Is it really so bad to let women know about sex toys?

What woman wants a sex toy?

I don't know anyone who uses them.

- Uh, yes you do. - Oh?

- Oh. - Yeah, it's the only way I can, um...

get to the end, per se.

So not with Lenny?

No, I mean, sex feels nice, but I just...

I need something to push me over the edge.

For a long time, I thought there was something wrong with me.

If I'd been aware of these, um... helpers,

you know, when I was first married,

it might have saved me a lot of tears

and a scary trip downtown with a wig and glasses.

I had no idea.

Yeah, well, we don't talk about this kind of stuff.

Well, maybe we should.

Yeah. Okay.

Uh, what's your favorite way to masturbate?

Oh, my God, no.

Excuse me, Miss.

I just told you some very personal things.

Things only my hairdresser knows.

No.

I d... I don't do it, anyway, so...

Not really. So it's just, you know...

It makes me feel, um...

Ugh. It's dumb.

So the only way you can get pleasure

is when you're with a man?

That's not very feminist, Joycie.

I mean, what would Gloria Steinem say?

I hope if I ever meet Gloria Steinem,

we are not talking about masturbating.

And I very much hope that you are.

She probably has a few tricks up her sleeve,

you know?

All right, I'll see you later.

Use this one. Level 4. Okay?

Ahh.

Ahh!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Holy moly!

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