Original subtitles

♪ Well, I don't know Why I came here tonight ♪

♪ Got the feelin' That somethin' ain't right ♪

♪ I'm so scared In case I fall off my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering How I'll get down the stairs ♪

♪ And there's clowns to the left of me Jokers to the right ♪

♪ Here I am Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Yes, I'm stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Oh, Frankie, stop it.

What?

You sound like the seals who had sex in front of our house.

You mean the seal sex I missed?

Thanks for rubbing it in.

I put the aphrodisiacs out for them.

Maybe if you weren't so busy moping...

I have a lot to mope about.

Who knew that the "fuck it" life was gonna be so hard?

Well, that's why we're taking a girls' trip together.

You're gonna see your old friend I'll probably hate.

Oh, no, you'll love Rita.

Sol and I met her in 1971,

protesting the opening of a White Castle.

Of course, later we found out it was a restaurant.

Can't believe you've been sitting on the fact that your friend runs a spa.

That's the least interesting thing about her.

She can put three tennis balls in her mouth!

Well, I hope there's a better signal when we get there.

Nick still hasn't texted you back?

I thought you said things went great at the restaurant.

Well, I thought so too.

But I texted him, "Hope Japan's going well, XO,"

and 20 hours later, nothing.

Oh, 20 hours?

Chill, gazpacho.

He'll text. He's in Japan.

He's probably busy working

and eating a little cake shaped like a cat.

Yeah, you're probably right.

I'm just being silly.

And it's not like I'm not busy. I'm on my way to a weekend of pampering.

You're on your way to where we're going!

I can get a facial and a hot stone massage there, right?

There will be rocks there.

Girls' trip!

To Mom, may she take many, many, many more vacation days.

Or get trapped again in that little room in the pool house.

Oh, my God, it's her. She heard us.

Oh, no, it's just this dating app I'm on.

Look at you, on the dating apps!

Are you fielding a ton of dong pics?

Is it just like "dong, dong, dong, dong, dong"?

No. I'm on The League. So, classy dongs.

Dongs with degrees and fancy jobs.

- Ooh. He's cute. - Oh, no, no, no.

Just browsing. Not ready for an actual date.

I heard this NPR story about a woman who waited until she was ready

and her vagina closed up like an old eyebrow piercing.

You don't listen to NPR.

That's because they don't have stories like that.

You know, this first date is just about clearing the cobwebs.

My last first date ended in a divorce with four kids, so...

Mallory, you are very lucky.

You've skipped right over the times of lady butt-stuff,

and landed smack in the times of dude butt-stuff.

Thank your lucky fucking stars.

I can barely do a jumping jack.

Why would a cute guy like that be into a divorced, glorified intern

who birthed half a baseball team?

Well, we are not going to mention them.

Maybe ever.

We are going to say, "Hey, what are you doing tomorrow?"

Tomorrow?

Who's going to watch my baseball team? No way I get a sitter that fast. No.

- Mal, this is very important... - Umm.

...so I'll do something incredibly generous:

make Barry babysit them.

Could you make Barry go on the date for me?

I mean, I can make Barry do anything, but I have a better idea.

It'll help you on your date.

Jesus, B.

What? Frankie and I have the same dispensary.

When I told them I was working with Grace,

they gave me the "Harrison Ford's Glove Compartment".

Thank you, but I'm paranoid enough that he won't like me.

Mal, who cares what he thinks?

It's about finding the father of your next four children.

Maybe I'll just take this for after the date.

I mean, that's cool. I have more.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Hello!

Welcome to Sambadha!

I'm Erasmus.

I think you'll find our new plumbing alluringly "indoors."

Oh.

Please take a caftan to wear during your stay.

Frances?

Did you not say this place was recommended by Oprah?

Oh, did I not specify that was a lie?

Oh, my God!

As I live and breathe, Frankie!

Oh, Rita, it's been too long!

- Oh, my old friend. - Oh.

- Oh! - Oh, boy!

Was I surprised to hear about Sol?

Oh, well, you know... Geminis.

- Oh, I sure do. - Monsters.

Oh, my God, is this burlap?

Double-ply.

You must be Grace.

Usually, but I'm disassociating right now.

Holy shit, is that Leo?

Yes. He's lived here for years.

People live here?

Back in the day, we were on the front lines together.

Sol and I both thought he was very magnetic.

Yeah, yeah, glass houses.

It seemed like you guys were always protesting something together.

Always thought he'd end up living with the Sandinistas

or working at a Trader Joe's.

Oh.

Hey, you!

- Frankie. - Huh.

That was weird.

Oh, the weird guy was weird.

If you're ready, I can take your phones, walk you to your room.

Swoosh.

See you in a few, David Spade's Instagram!

Oh, no. I'm expecting a very important text.

But we ask all the guests to give up their phones.

I'm not a guest. I'm a hostage.

What hostage do you know that has a cell phone?

Here we are.

What's that?

Welcome whey.

It was just curdled this morning.

Thanks, but can you throw this into the woods

and have the kitchen make me a martini?

Straight up, two olives.

Oh, I sort of, kind of also forgot that Sambadha is substance-free.

Oh.

Wait. Wait. Grace. Grace.

No, no, no, no...

Psst.

Grace.

Are you awake?

I'm 80 years old in a bunk bed. Of course I'm awake.

Listen, I know there are posher places than this for a girls' trip.

Yeah, like Saddam Hussein's spider hole?

But this is the one place I can re-center myself,

and I could really use something like that right now.

I always feel more powerful here than in the outside world.

Like Bud at magic camp.

Wasn't that at a Marriott?

You know, you should give this place a chance.

Come with me to the workshop I signed us up for tomorrow.

Thanks, but I'm gonna just stay in bed.

I'm gonna pretend I'm not waiting for a text

and finally finish The Goldfinch.

Yeah, turns out the workshops are mandatory.

And Erasmus took your Kindle.

If I weren't afraid to climb down there, I would smother you with my pillow.

You got a pillow?!

This is your adoptive mom's place?

Yeah, and her friend's. But they're away for the weekend.

It's not bad, huh?

Yeah. It's people-sized.

Yeah, I'm sorry about the tiny house.

The shower goes out whenever this ladybug lands on the solar panel.

It's fine.

I just... I haven't showered since Louisiana, so...

Oh! Yeah, use the guest bathroom upstairs.

Later, I'll show you the coat closet

where my mom keeps her gummy candy museum.

Cool.

Agh.

Why are you here?

Why are you?

My mom said I could.

See, my lie is more believable because my mom likes me.

Okay, can I just give you $40,

or whatever you make in a week, to get out of here?

'Cause I planned something very important.

Doing what? Getting wasted while watching...

What is that? Is that porn?

Yes. It's porn.

And you caught me.

- It's gross! Don't look at it! - Give me that.

Stop it. Stop it.

God.

Turner and Hooch?

Marley and Me?

My Dog Skip?

What's with the dog snuff?

It's nothing! It's for a thing.

What?

Tell me.

Or I'll tell Barry that you're here while he's babysitting Mallory's kids.

God, how much do you guys talk?

Depends if we've both seen Outlander that week.

Okay. Fine.

Every year, once a year, I allow myself a single, annual cry.

You plan your crying?

Is that weird?

And what, these are your supplies?

Yeah, just to help get me going.

'Cause people deaths certainly don't scratch that itch.

Listen, I really need this.

I work with my mother.

You've met my mother.

Okay... I work with her.

As much as I'd love to do you a favor, we were here first.

"We"? Ew! You have a girl here?

Done showering.

Where's my candy?

I know there's a really good explanation for this, but please, don't tell me yet.

Hello, I'm Todd. I'll be your server...

Not ready to order yet.

And here are your menus.

As is customary, I will now let you look at them.

So, uh... thank you for asking me to brunch, Mallory.

Thanks for saying yes, Jess.

Um...

Wasn't sure if you were serious or not at first.

Yeah, me either, but my sister was very persuasive.

Your sister wanted you to go out with me?

Yeah, with someone. Um...

It's my first date back after a really long relationship,

and I'm very nervous.

And I didn't smoke any of Harrison Ford's Glove Compartment.

Uh... uh...

- I don't... - I'm sorry.

- I should not have said any of that. - It's okay.

This is also my first date after a long relationship.

- Okay. - So...

I'm sorry. Do you really not recognize me?

Um...

You do look a little bit like Jim Carrey.

I'm Jumbotron Guy?

The guy that proposed to his girlfriend and then she said no?

And then I cried and then they did a close-up of the crying.

Sorry, I've lived in a paper bag the last several years.

Did anybody see it?

I don't know.

Excuse me, sir, can I borrow your pepper?

Jumbotron Guy!

- Here you go. - I'm good. Thanks.

In and out.

In and out.

Enjoy the breath, Frankie.

Yeah, enjoy it. It's one of your last.

Shh.

You're jamming my frequency.

Now, most ancient cultures believed

that spirits are watching over us,

and that in order to hear their guidance, we need only to be open,

be aware and... let go.

Ah.

Nice, Renee.

Oh.

You too, male Renee.

You're having a little trouble with the "letting go" part, Grace?

No.

I just find it easiest to get in touch with my spirit guide via phone.

And if my spirit guide does get in touch with me,

I don't want him to think I'm ignoring him.

He's a spirit. He'll understand.

You know, the first time I came here,

I was so freaked out when they took my phone.

I worried the whole time something bad was gonna happen.

It turns out, the first night, my house burned down.

But you know what?

The whole time I was here, at least in my head, I still had a house.

That is the wrong takeaway from that experience.

Well, there's the lunch gong.

Okay, everybody, see you at chow.

Leo, hey!

- It's your old friend, me. - Yeah, I know.

- You do? - Mm-hmm.

Rita told me you were coming.

She told me all about you.

Seems you've made peace with your choices.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's something we used to say about other people, not about each other.

One of us is other people.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Wait. Where are you going?

- To my yurt. - Hey, yurts. I know from yurts.

Has yours ever exploded?

It will!

No?

Oh, you hate to see that.

Is he crying?

Oh. It's not that bad.

She's pretty.

Oh, thank you. That's... helpful.

- I'm sorry. - No, I'm sorry.

I told my friends this was a bad idea.

I'm not ready to date. I'm not ready to be in public.

This must be a nightmare for you.

Hey, I was braced for a nightmare. Just thought it'd be me.

Mallory, you're gorgeous.

You're so, so nice. How could you be a nightmare?

Because I have four young children?

Oh, that's how.

Oh, Jumbotron Guy does jokes.

Jumbotron Guy was actually a lot of fun to be around

before Jimmy Kimmel did a remix of him crying.

Well, congrats. You're on a date with the one person who hadn't seen this.

So isn't that good luck?

Shouldn't we get some drinks to celebrate at least that?

Okay, yeah.

Okay.

Bitch.

Can't believe that little Friday Night Light is your brother.

Yeah. I know.

Right?

Look...

I'm in a tough spot.

Luke doesn't want to go home, as in ever.

Does his mom even know he's here?

I called her. She knows he's safe,

but he refuses to get on the phone with her.

So make him. What is he, 80 pounds?

He's surprisingly strong.

- Is that... - Yeah.

- That's his work. - Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Okay, if I help you, will you leave me alone here with my dead dogs?

- Done. - Great. Lukey!

Hey, can you and your ball come in here?

Don't hurt him.

What?

Come sit down next to Auntie Brianna.

Can you read this? What does it say?

"No drama, please."

I use this to mislead people because the truth is, I love drama.

If you don't work things out with your nice, Southern mom,

I'll call her and tell her you are watching episodes of Girls

in a house full of erotic Judaica.

You can call her and tell her whatever you want.

I don't care.

You have to care.

Your mom does. You really have to call her.

No, I don't. I don't want to talk to her ever again.

You have no idea what it's like

to have one of your parents lie to you your whole life!

Ah.

He didn't go to his yurt.

It's a good thing, too, 'cause it's gonna explode!

Oh, excuse me, may I borrow that phone?

I won't be long, I just have to make an angry international call.

That's not a phone, genius. It's a pressed fig bar.

Well, you can have mine.

No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

You're not hungry? What's wrong?

What's wrong?

That guy thinks I've suddenly become one of those yoga Beckys

who comes here, makes a bracelet and calls herself enlightened.

And I am! But it's real with me.

Frankie, why are you obsessing about this person?

I'm obsessing? You just tried to call Japan on a brownie.

I think you need another workshop.

No, I need to start acting like me again.

I made a fool of myself in front of Nick and his mother,

and now I'm here in this mountaintop Petri dish.

I'm tired, I'm old, and I got bug bites on my ass.

If you didn't use the DEET, that's on you,

'cause they left it in our room for a reason.

All of this is your fault.

- My fault? - Yes!

If I hadn't tried your big grand gesture, I wouldn't be feeling so awful.

Jesus. Why is everybody on my case today?

Well, maybe you should take a good, hard look at that.

Oh, no, you're not storming out. I'm storming out.

I'm storming out and I know exactly where I'm going.

So do I!

Excuse me, do you know where I could find a map of the property?

Listen, you potato sack of Lyme disease,

if you don't give me my phone,

I'm gonna cut you open so I can watch the lentils spill out!

Why don't you like me anymore?

Ma'am! Please don't throw the suggestion box at me.

I can just give you your phone back.

You can?

This is a spiritual retreat, not a jail.

It's kind of a jail.

Most people want to spend the weekend without a phone.

You know, to focus on what really matters.

That's exactly what I'm trying to do.

Oh, were you waiting for a text from someone?

- Yeah. - A guy?

Yeah.

It's been almost two days.

Oof.

He's not going to text me back, is he?

Probably not.

I get it.

I came to this place after a nervous breakdown... named Jeremy.

And you got through it without booze?

Actually, no.

Here.

I keep this for Jer-mergencies.

It's contraband, but looks likes you could use it.

Oh, God. Thank you.

- Any time. - Yeah.

Hey, I hope that guy wises up and comes running back.

- I hope Jeremy does too. - Oh, no.

Thanks, but he got real bald.

You don't know my life now.

I fought City Hall and raised hell at a pharmacy!

I have a pretty clear picture.

- Oh, really? - Yeah.

I'd say, from your ethical booties and your green car,

you're still a vegan, but you cheat.

Only if I know the Doritos have been raised humanely.

Mm-hmm.

I bet your idea of charity is a check to the whales once a year.

It's a snow leopard, his name is Terrence, and I get email updates bimonthly.

And I bet that you spent the Cheney administration inside,

watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch.

It was a subversive show!

There was a talking cat!

And he represented the dismantling of the social order!

Look, it's not personal.

I know a lot of people from those days who have changed.

You still dress the part, but it's not authentic anymore.

- You know what? - Hmm?

Nothing is more boring than people who walk around

telling other people how inauthentic they are.

That's why all the record stores closed!

Look, you started this conversation.

And let me finish it!

If you think hanging around an ashram for years makes you the Maharishi,

it doesn't.

It makes you a 75-year-old asshole in a caftan

hiding from the real world.

Congratulations.

That's the first real thing I've heard you say.

Congratulate me on the second, you've aged poorly.

You've aged great.

You look like a human Subaru.

You want to come to my yurt?

Hell yes!

Come on.

When my ex and I split, I was a total wreck.

Oh, yeah? You get flop sweat every time you hear "Y'all Ready for This"?

No, but equally sad,

last Valentine's Day,

I called the soft-rock station and dedicated a Sia song to myself...

in an accent.

What kind of accent?

It was like an Indian-Irish-Caribbean kind of deal.

And it sort of changed as I spoke,

- so I ended up sounding drunk. - Huh.

- Yeah. - I'll just leave this here.

- Oh, thank you. - Hey, um...

How about I get this one and you get the next one?

Well, the truth is...

There is no next one.

No. I...

You know, I'm really not ready to be in public right now.

I think maybe you're being paranoid.

Three people are filming us as we speak.

Wow. Yeah...

Besides, I got my heart broken pretty bad and everybody saw it.

And I think I just need to take some time and maybe grow a beard.

I get it.

You're really great. I'm so sorry.

Please, don't be. Go, I got this.

But you might want to leave through the kitchen.

Thank you.

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Yep. Bye-bye.

I'm sorry. I have to give you money.

No, that's all right. It's on me.

That was a terrible first date.

Yeah, it was bad.

No offense. I just...

None taken.

- Yeah. - Thank you for the drinks.

- Sure. - Okay.

- You wanna go out sometime? - No, thanks!

Okay!

So your dads were doing it?

Yeah, for 20 years.

That's two decades of lies, kid.

And weird, lame excuses like,

"I was just checking your dad for crumbs."

I hate dishonesty.

Why do you even talk to them anymore?

That's a great question.

Because we're family.

And... And that's what you do for people that love you.

And you know your mom loves you.

But she lied.

Yeah, I know.

Our dads lied, too.

My dad way more convincingly than his dad.

But they did it because they were trying to keep their families together.

And yeah, it was fucked up and wrong in a million different ways,

but they were trying to protect us like your mom was.

But she lied about you.

That doesn't piss you off at all?

Yeah, it did.

Um, it took a lot of processing in a time that I couldn't afford therapy.

She was afraid of hurting you.

I didn't like it, but I got it.

She, uh...

She is probably worried sick.

And my dad, too.

And my brothers.

And my basset hound, Joyce.

So call her.

Even if you're mad at her, do it for Joyce.

Okay.

Thanks, man.

No problem.

Oh, my God.

Did I make you cry?

No.

I got bored and I started reading the backs of the DVDs.

Why?!

Why do dogs have to die?

And out.

In...

and out.

This is all bullshit.

You're telling me.

Babe?

What are you doing here?

Oh, my God, am I dead?

In some ways.

I'm here because you summoned me...

and because that kid makes the gin you're drinking in a bathroom.

It does taste a little toilet-y.

- It's good to see you, Babe. - Oh, you too, sugar.

So, what's the news? For what purpose am I being conjured?

I don't know. I screwed up with a guy.

You're probably here to tell me, "Better to have loved and lost,

- then never..." - Oh, no, that's crap. It can't be that.

I think I'm here to tell you

that you have been in love with Frankie this whole time.

Well, it's definitely not that.

She said she'd give me 20 bucks if I appeared to you and said that.

Let me tell you a story, Grace.

I was floating along the astral plane the other day

and my turban blew off.

It was my best turban!

And as it unraveled and unraveled, I thought...

"There goes the best part of me."

But it isn't even a part of me, it's a hat.

Where you going with this, Babe?

Yeah, I think I lost the thread for a minute there.

Wait.

Nick is the hat, right?

Because he's blowing away.

Well, he may be blowing away, but the hat is not the point.

The best-part-of-you part is the point. What is the best part of you?

My cheek bones?

Frankie.

How the hell did that happen?

I don't know, but it did.

So, if Nick comes back

and you two hook it up for real...

Then what happens to Frankie?

Bingo.

So what do I do?

Beats me.

I don't know if you know this, but you're alone in the woods tripping balls.

What are you doing here?

It's not Tuesday.

Oh, I'm here for somebody else.

PS Your bloomers are on backwards.

How did you...

I'm dead, I've got X-ray vision!

I know that Sambadha wasn't your style, Grace,

but I hope you took something away from your stay.

- Giardia comes to mind. - Oh, sorry!

Sorry, I was saying goodbye to the silence.

- Oh, thank you, Rita. - Uh-huh.

Oh, God, Grace, you look like you slept in the woods.

I did.

Why didn't you come find me? Did you not notice I wasn't in the room?

No, I thought the silence from your bunk

was haterade on my goodnight slam poem.

My God, Grace. What were you doing in the woods all night?

Okay. Bye, Rita!

Bye, Rita.

Are we cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

Next time, you pick the place. I know Sambadha didn't do it for you.

To be honest? It may have done something.

I talked to Babe last night.

So that's what she's doing here.

What'd she say?

Oh, I don't know.

Typical Babe stuff.

She talked a lot about her turban.

Oy, with the turban again!

So, what happened with you and Malibu Lurch?

Who?

Oh, oh, Leo.

I didn't give him another thought.

Fuck him, right?

Yep. Pretty much.

Go ahead. Quit playing it cool. Read it!

"You ruined my trip. Can't stop thinking about you.

On my way back from Japan."

And that's from Nick?

Yes. It's from Nick.

Well, that's great, right?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Then we have to crank this up!

♪ Everybody sound your funky horn ♪

♪ Come on, get down ♪

♪ Everybody sound your funky horn ♪

♪ Come on, get down ♪

♪ Bass man, Mr. Drummer ♪

♪ Keep a smile on your face ♪

♪ And get down, Mr. Conga ♪

♪ Keep on keeping a steady pace ♪

♪ Everybody sound your funky horn ♪

♪ Come on, get down ♪

Okay, good night.