All language subtitles for Hooper.1978.720p.BluRay.x264-PSYCHD-HI

(ENGINE REVVING)

WOMAN 1: Good luck, Sonny!

MAN 1: Good job, Hooper!

(TIRES SCREECH)

MAN 2: Okay, now, look alive.
Here comes the director.

WOMAN 2: Did you have a good lunch?

(ENGINE REVVING)

- You all set?
- Ready.

MAN 3: Six-three, Louis.

TONY: Okay, Hooper, stand by now.
We're about set.

(ENGINE REVVING)

- Roll the cameras.
- Rolling, Jack.

MAN 4:
Scene two, take one, B camera. Marker.

- We're ready to make the shot, Roger.
- Action.

Action. Come on, Hooper.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Cut! Did you get it?

- Good.
- Print it.

Let's get ready for the next setup.
Get the first team in there.

Get me down, Joe.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

Don't move, Hooper! Don't move!

- Need a picture, Jack? Booga-booga-booga!
- TONY: Hold still, Hooper.

- You all right? Huh?
- Oh. Terrific.

- I'm serious, now. You all right?
- I invented that stunt.

There ain't nobody in the world
that does it better.

- And you say that in all humility?
- I give great humble.

(CULLY LAUGHS)

- It's okay. Not a scratch.
- You sure?

- I'm not talking about your ass.
- TONY: Okay, let's have the first team!

- Oh. What would you give for a little of that?
- HOOPER: Two nipples for a dime.

(CULLY LAUGHS)

- Sonny, that was terrific.
- No, that's terrific.

- Teach me to do that gag sometime.
- CULLY: Ha, ha.

He wants to learn how to do that.
What, are you crazy?

I want to ride under trucks.

- Come on, teach me some gags.
- Oh, for chrissake.

- West, can I have you in position over here?
- Right away, Tony.

I'll make a deal with you.

I won't do any acting...

- ...you don't do any stunts, okay?
- TONY: Adam, please?

(HOOPER CHUCKLES)

- ADAM: Okay.
- Okay.

- TONY: Mr. West! Please!
- Coming, little lady.

(HOOPER LAUGHS)

ROGER: Hooper.

- Hooper, you can wrap for the day.
- HOOPER: How was the stunt? Okay?

- Yes.
- That good, huh?

- ROGER: Yeah.
- Would you go so far as to say perfect?

Well, that's what he's supposed
to be, isn't he? Ha-ha-ha.

Tony!

I hate it when directors
slobber all over me.

When your last picture made over $100 million,
you don't have to slobber over anybody.

- You got any Percs?
- Yeah, here.

If you're hurting that bad,
want me to go get the kit?

- No, I'll just chomp on a couple of these.
- What is it this time?

It's my frigging back.

- MAX: Are you all right, Sonny?
- Never felt better and had less.

- Listen, you can be replaced.
- Ha, ha.

- The bike gag was terrific.
- HOOPER: Would've killed your ordinary man.

- Mm. Cully, you taking care of my boy?
- Well, I'm trying to, Mr. Berns.

Well, make sure you don't give him
any more of those goddamn pills.

Uh...

MAX: By the way, Sonny,
there's a new kid in town.

Everyone says he's a young Sonny Hooper.

- Would you like to check him out?
- I'm full up.

- You're the boss. See you later.
- Thanks.

- Now, take care.
- See you, Max.

(IMITATING GREGORY PECK)
Why is it every time I come to town...

some young boy...

has gotta try
and make a name for himself?

- Do Gregory Peck for the doctor.
- (IN NORMAL VOICE) I don't want to see him.

- Gotta go to get some x-rays.
- I've seen my x-rays.

- They look like a map of L.A.
- Maybe you've built another off-ramp.

Wait a minute.

The Percodan is starting to work.
I feel the pain is vanishing.

By God, I think she can dance.
I think she can turn. I think she can whirl.

Whoo! Ooh! Jesus!
How about a date? Ha, ha.

(HORN HONKS)

Dancer!

(HORSE WHINNIES)

She'll be here in a minute, Dancer.

- Perfect companion.
- Me or Dancer?

I wouldn't kick either one of you
out of the hay.

GWEN: Hey, you never feed me
a can of beer like that.

- You don't shake it up and down like that.
- Oh, that's very true.

(GWEN LAUGHS)

- How'd it go today? Okay? No problems?
- Okay. No.

You fill all those little minds
at school with knowledge?

- I did my very best.
- Ah.

- Cully called. How's your back?
- Oh, yeah? He's got a big mouth.

GWEN: Oh, come on, how's your back?

HOOPER: A lot better than his butt's
gonna be after I kick it.

What the hell's the matter with Cully,
calling you up all the time?

- Sonny. Your eyes are dilated.
- What?

- Oh, don't start.
- How many pain pills did you take?

I had two, for crying out loud.
I don't take dope. I don't take cocaine.

I don't smoke pot. I take pain pills.
I got pain, for chrissake.

Look at my socks.
What are they doing...?

- Those are your socks.
- I know they are.

Why are they on the phone?
My pants are on the chandelier.

- You threw them there last week.
- I was in a horny mood.

GWEN: It's all over the place.
It's like a beer-can collection.

- It's not a big deal. You don't work that hard.
- I thought of putting it away.

Well, why don't you put it away?
Why don't you take the stuff, put it in...?

Sit down, will you?

Now, do you want to hear
my thinking on this?

If I just let things pile up long enough,
we won't be able to find each other.

And if you can't find me,
you can't have me.

(GWEN GROWLS & HOOPER CHUCKLES)

- HOOPER: That makes sense. Ha, ha.
- Yes.

Sonny...

I'm not asking for miracles.

If you could just get the beer cans,
say, 25 feet from...

Ten feet from the trash can. Ten feet.

HOOPER: Hmm.

It's close enough. I'm yours.

(HOOPER CHUCKLES)

- Is your back okay, really?
- It's fine.

- Did you want to walk on it?
- No, I want you to crawl under it.

TONY: All right, we're ready down here.
Could we clear the area, please?

- Don't stand in front of the cameras.
- ADAM: You're a brave doggy.

- Right here?
- Put your hand right through there.

- TONY: You guys ready on the roof?
- MAN 1: Working on it.

- It's tied off? Okay.
- MAN 2: Tied off.

- I love danger.
- TONY: Okay, we're ready down here.

MAN 3: Okay, don't look down now.

- TONY: Roll the cameras!
- MAN 4: Five, six on all cameras.

- MAN 5: A camera mark.
- MAN 6: B camera mark.

Okay. Action!

Cut, cut! Sensational, Adam!

Rest for a minute.

- Good job there, Adam.
- ADAM: Was I all right?

TONY: Help Mr. West down the steps.

All right, now, let's get set up
for this stunt. Let's move it. Move it!

- Good morning.
- Hey, Sonny, how are you?

- Morning, dwarf.
- Clever. You ready?

- Where's "Mr. Movie"? Oh, good morning.
- Right here. Good morning.

Now, as I was telling you
the other day, Hooper...

in this scene you'll be escaping
across the roof with the dog.

HOOPER: The dog? Why do I have a dog?

Just do the stunts like I tell you.
Let me worry about the creativity, okay?

Now, about halfway through,
the sling will break...

and down you will come, dog and all.

And I'll pick up Adam falling off
the awning. It's simple.

If it's so simple,
why don't we have the actor do it?

- I'd like that in one take, Hooper.
- I hope so.

- Okay, people, let's go.
- BIDWELL: Just a minute.

Sonny, do you remember me?

- Bidwell from the Humane Society.
- HOOPER: Oh, hi.

- No dog is gonna fall from that.
- No, sir. We have a dummy dog.

The sequence is King riding
with Sonny here, and then we cut...

and substitute the dummy dog
for the actual fall.

I don't know.
I don't like the whole setup.

I don't like it either.
I'm the one that's got to do the falling.

But you made that decision for yourself.

- The poor dog can't make that decision.
- Don't worry, sir.

The company is very eager to comply
with all Humane Society regulations.

- So we really must be going now.
- Good to see you again, George.

As you can see,
the dummy dog wouldn't fool anybody.

- It wouldn't fool me.
- The realie will take the fall with you.

- Oh, for chrissake.
- ADAM: There's my man.

- Make me look great, Sonny.
- I'll make you look great, Adam.

You can't use a real dog, Tony,
for chrissake. He can't hit an airbag.

Maybe you can teach him on the way down.

- Do me a favor, will you?
- Yeah, what is it?

- Bring me a stepladder about this high.
- Yeah, what for?

I want you to climb up
on it and kiss my ass.

HOOPER: See you later, Toulouse!

TONY: All right, people,
when Mr. Wonderful gets on his perch...

let's all be ready.

Okay, people, we're ready.
Clear it fast. Get ready on the roof.

- Good man.
- How are you guys today?

- Morning.
- How you doing?

It's all yours.

- MAN 1: Okay, all set there, Sonny?
- TONY: Hooper!

People are growing old down here.

One second. You're waiting on me,
you're backing up!

Give me the pooch.

- MAN 2: Okay. Got it?
- Nice doggy. Time for a little ride.

TONY: Roll the cameras.

- Mark central camera.
- ROGER: Make it good, Hooper.

(DOG WHIMPERING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

ROGER: Cut! Print it.

New setup over here.

Ah.

I'll make you an official stunt dog.
Cully, get this dog a belt buckle.

- MAN 3: Nice going, Sonny.
- CULLY: You all right?

- Yeah, I'm all right. Yeah.
- CULLY: Really?

I'm fine.

(HOOPER MUTTERS)

- You hit like a sack. Are you okay?
- I suppose you thought that was cute.

What happened to the cut? The dummy dog?

What the hell are you getting on his case for?
He risked his life for that dog.

Use the realie. More realistic.

Do it in one take. Impress the director.

Tony said that's what you were gonna do
and you did it.

Well, we're gonna be pressing formal charges
against you, Sonny. You...

(ALL CHATTERING)

HOOPER: That little runt.

That's one I owe him.

You got your kit?

It's in the trailer.

- Well, let's go to the trailer.
- I knew it.

(HOOPER GROANS)

HOOPER: Do you know what I'd do
if I met the man that invented Xylocaine?

CULLY: What?

HOOPER: I would kiss his ass
right on Hollywood and Vine.

CULLY: Ha, ha. I knew you were hurt
the minute you hit that bag.

- But you had to protect the dog.
- I love dogs.

- Let's go to the doctor's.
- I hate doctors.

You ain't scared of nothing.

- Why are you scared of doctors?
- Scared of dentists too.

I'll tell you what you're scared of.

- You're scared of what he's gonna tell you.
- Oh, balls. Balls! Balls!

You're gonna have to see him eventually.

I'll buy the drink
I was gonna buy you last night...

if you'll just do me
your Jimmy Stewart imitation.

Just a little Jimmy Stewart for me.

(IMITATING JIMMY STEWART)
That's... That's a good deal.

I'll do Jimmy Stewart,
and you do Roy Rogers' sidekick.

- (IMITATING PAT BRADY) Roy's sidekick.
- Yeah.

Roy is a good old boy, but he...

He had Trigger stuffed, you know?

So when you die,
I'm gonna have you stuffed.

You wouldn't.

I'm gonna stuff everything
but your old wing-dinger.

- That's the part that needs stuffing.
- You ought to stuff that every night.

I'll leave that up to you.
I'm a little too old for it.

- Well, I ain't gonna hold it.
- No. Hell, no.

MAN: Banker's hours, eh, Sonny?

- Sonny, it's early for the Palomino, isn't it?
- HOOPER: Not for me, old cock.

- I'll tell you what, that job was perfect.
- Good shot, good shot.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

- Hello, Jimbo.
- How you doing, Sonny?

What you doing out here with my lady
when I'm not around? That's dangerous.

- Not as dangerous as doing stunts.
- GWEN: Yes, it is.

What can I do for you, pard?

I just wanted to make sure
you're doing that charity stunt show.

Oh, I'd love to,
but I'm going on a motocross.

It's for the benefit of the Boys' Home.

That's real touching, but I'm gonna get
on my bike and go across the desert.

I've got somebody who'd really like
to meet you. Idolizes you.

- Knows everything you've ever done.
- Who's that?

One of the boys from the home.

I'll just get him.

- Why didn't he bring violins?
- Honey, it's a boy from the Boys' Home.

They need someone to pattern
their lives after, you know?

- Yeah, what a cheap shot.
- JIMBO: Pete, meet Sonny.

- HOOPER: Hi, Pete.
- Sonny, how you doing?

HOOPER: Real good. How you doing?

- Fine. Guess what.
- HOOPER: What?

- I can do a stunt.
- HOOPER: You can do a stunt?

- Yeah.
- HOOPER: Let me see it.

- Okay, get on there. Shoot him.
- Move it.

- Do what?
- Shoot him.

- Move it.
- Bang.

(PETE GROANS)

That's terrific, but I'm going
on the motocross Saturday.

Well, I guess I'll just have to give your gags
to that hot new kid with Stunts Unlimited.

- HOOPER: Oh, yeah? How old are you, kid?
- I'm still dead.

HOOPER: Oh. Right, yeah.

Well, you don't have to be dead anymore.
How old are you?

- PETE: I'm 18.
- Eight.

- PETE: Yeah.
- Okay, I'll be there Saturday.

- PETE: Great!
- HOOPER: Ha, ha.

(HOOPER GRUNTS)

Give me five!

- See you Saturday.
- Thanks, Sonny. You're all heart.

Yeah.

Sonny. What a wonderful gesture.

- Ah, I'm a wonderful person.
- Aw.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the 5th
Annual Stuntmen's Benefit Show...

and up the street to your left,
here they come!

MAN: Giddyap!

(MEN YELLING)

(GUNFIRE)

ANNOUNCER: And pay attention
to the stagecoach driver, Billy Burton...

the best muleskinner in Hollywood.

I see you liked it.

JOCKO: Hey, lady.

- Oh. Hello, Dad.
- JOCKO: Where'd you get all them house apes?

Kids. Where are my kids here?
This is my father.

CHILDREN: Hi.

Sonny coming with Dancer?

Yeah. You know why he's here, don't you?
Have you seen that new kid work?

Now that son of a bitch knows
how I felt when he came...

- GWEN: Dad! The language.
- What? Oh. Shit. Sorry. Damn.

(CHILDREN GIGGLING)

Ignore him. He's a degenerate.

(CROWD CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: Now, how about a big
round of applause for these two young ladies?

That's all the pay they're gonna get.

Look out, it's Black Bart,
the meanest hombre west of the Pecos.

What we need now is a hero
who can stop him.

- Yee!
- ANNOUNCER: And here he is, just in time!

(BART YELLS)

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

ANNOUNCER: That man is one of the true
legends of the stunt world, Mr. Jocko Doyle!

(ALL CHEERING)

ANNOUNCER: Here he is, ladies and gentlemen,
the greatest stuntman alive:

Sonny Hooper
and his famous horse, Dancer!

They've never let us down.

They've performed in every benefit
we've ever had.

Whose damn truck is that
parked right in the middle of everything?

JIMBO: That belongs to the kid.

Well, where is this hot kid
I've been hearing so much about?

(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)

We better back up a little bit,
or he's gonna drop right on us.

Oh, shit.

(CROWD GASPS AND MURMURS)

(CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

(CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

HOOPER: Hey, not too shabby.

The chariot race is coming up, kid.
Go put your Fruit of the Looms on.

I'm on my way.

The chariot race is next.
This ought to be a wreck.

- Who's racing against the kid?
- Hammerhead.

Hammerhead?

- How are you, Sonny?
- Hi, Hammerhead.

HAMMERHEAD: What's the matter? What...?

What are you looking at?

You've got a nice tush...

but shouldn't you have something on
underneath this thing?

- Like what?
- Like shorts.

This is all they gave me.
And besides, I don't ever wear shorts.

What if you have a wreck?
What if you turn over and it falls out?

It ain't gonna fall out.

Yeah, but what if it does?
What if it falls out?

All the stunt guys
are gonna be embarrassed.

I'll tell you what, you can go
to my trailer, get a pair of my shorts.

You can put them on. I'll watch the team
for you while you're gone.

HAMMERHEAD: Hey, thanks, Sonny.

When I get done with the shorts,
I'll have them washed.

ANNOUNCER:
Get ready for the chariot race, kids.

Everybody will have
to pick your own hero.

Hey, nice fall you did back there.

I'll be. Sonny Hooper.

- I've waited a year and a half to meet you.
- HOOPER: Oh, yeah?

- What happened to Hammerhead?
- Oh, he was feeling poorly.

Bad for him, good for me.

- How's that?
- SKI: I get to perform with Sonny Hooper.

Oh, hell, that ain't no big deal...

(GUNSHOT THEN SKI YELLS)

(CROWD CHEERING AND WHISTLING)

Hyah! Hyah!

Come on, baby!

(BOTH YELLING)

Come on!

(CROWD CHEERING)

HOOPER: Move it!

Whoa! Whoa!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(WHISTLES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHINNYING)

Wait a minute, Jimbo.

Caca, Dancer. Caca, caca, caca.

(HORSE FARTING & HOOPER LAUGHING)

- Beautiful, wasn't it? Round and firm...
- Hey, let's go to the Palomino Club.

Had a yellow streak
running through them.

- Pretty good trick, Sonny.
- Kid, you know how to make an entrance.

- I'm Jocko Doyle.
- Pleased to meet you, Mr. Doyle.

I've studied just about everything
you've ever done.

Well, that's back in the caveman days.

- You looked good today. Didn't he look good?
- Yeah, he looked good.

- Want to go to the Palomino Club?
- How far did you fall?

- It was about 125 feet.
- What's the furthest I've ever fallen?

- Oh, maybe 150 feet.
- No, I think it was about 85 feet.

Wasn't it more like 75 in Bullet?

Looks like he studied you too.

We'd better go to the Palomino Club.

WOMAN 1: Go ahead, Jimbo!

(WOMEN SCREAM)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(WOMAN 2 WHOOPS)

I'm really dry!

(HORN HONKS)

Hey, it's lonely!

- We're coming over!
- Come on with that cerveza!

Goddamn! That son of a bitch
didn't even say thank you!

Where is that beer?

Hey. Sonny!

- Anybody in there need a beer?
- Jocko needs a beer.

- My arms aren't long enough!
- That's no problem. Wait here.

(TIRES SCREECHING)

WOMAN 2: Pretty fancy!

Let me see your license, please.

- MAN: Shall I wait, officer?
- Yeah. No. Do whatever you want!

(SIREN WAILING)

Hey! What do you think you're doing?

- We're just going backwards.
- Pull that thing over!

- Do what?
- Right over there by the curb.

Okay.

I don't believe I was going over 55.

You were going 55 backwards.

- Well, that's not against the law, is it?
- OFFICER: Unsafe backing.

- HOOPER: Silly law.
- OFFICER: It's still the law.

- Sign here, please.
- All right.

- Here's your license.
- Thank you.

- Here's your ticket.
- See you around.

(ENGINE REVVING)

WOMAN 2: Have a good trip!

- Happy landings!
- Have a nice day, officer!

(PASSENGERS SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

(ENGINE STARTS)

(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

MAN (SINGING):
Oh, would you move on over, Mama?

Come on and make some room for me

Jump in the back of my old Pontiac
And I'll drive you to Tennessee

I'll push the pedal down to the floor
Turn the radio up all the way

Keep this car in overdrive
And we'll let that rock 'n' roll play

Go

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
We appreciate it. Thank you.

We'll be right back. Stick around,
get drunk and be somebody. Thank you.

(CROWD CHATTERING)

(ALL LAUGHING)

(JOCKO COUGHING)

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING ON JUKEBOX)

It's called 75 in a second. And he says,
"Where's that damn dog now?"

He's right alongside. He's:

He said, "Well, shit, I'll just jam it."
And he just floors it!

Will you shut up? I'm trying to tell...

- That table sure is loud over there.
- Making a lot of noise.

Old Blue's right alongside.
And this goddamn truck comes across.

I got 50 cents in the jukebox. I can't hear it.
Let's go get our money's worth.

The old man says, "Well, that's his asshole.
See, he ain't used to them quick stunts."

(ALL LAUGHING)

Say, Granddad.

Hey, Granddad, I got 50 cents in that jukebox,
and all I can hear is your mouth flapping.

What'd you say, son? I'm a mite deaf.

I said, I got 50 cents
in that jukebox...

and all I can hear is your mouth flapping.
Did you hear that?

- Now, we figure you owe us 50 cents.
- You guys from out of town?

- Uh-huh. Houston.
- Oh, yeah? What are you doing here?

- A convention.
- Convention? What kind of convention?

Convention of assholes?

(HOOPER & FRIENDS LAUGHING)

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

- Ha-ha-ha. Thank you.
- A SWAT convention.

HOOPER: Oh.

A SWAT convention.

A SWAT team?
They gonna swat flies? Ha-ha-ha.

You know how to save a policeman
from drowning?

- MAN 1: No.
- Good!

(HOOPER & FRIENDS LAUGHING)

What about my 50 cents?

Uh...

Um...

- Stanley!
- STANLEY: Yeah.

- Can I borrow your hard hat?
- STANLEY: Sure.

I'll get you your 50 cents. Excuse me.

Looks like a job for the Golden Helmet.

(FEET SCUFF)

(HOOPER WHINNYING)

(WOMAN 1 SCREAMS)

(CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

(CROWD LAUGHS)

Well, if you wanted to make somebody
look like an asshole, boy, you sure did.

That was you.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,
eight, nine, 10, 11, 12.

Six against 12.

Seven.

Seven against 12.

Well...

looks like it's a little uneven.

You guys will have to go back to Houston
and get some more guys.

(HOOPER & FRIENDS LAUGH)

(AMTRAC LAUGHING)

We may be in trouble.

We are definitely in trouble.

(HOOPER GRUNTS)

Holy shit! A fight!

What's that?

Wait, wait, wait.

Give me a hand, will you?

Cute. Really cute.

Oh, how rude!

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Look out now! Oh!

We're getting a little old
for this shit, ain't we?

That's right.
Let's go get some sexy... Ooh!

Listen, fudge nuts, you ain't
ever gonna learn, are you, dummy?

Willard! Jeffrey!
Get this son of a bitch!

(LAUGHING)

Ow.

It's a bird! It's a plane!
It's Super Hooper!

Oh, well. Another night, no profits.

Huell! Get out there and stop that.

- Yes, ma'am. You bet.
- Get them, Huell!

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

DEBBIE: Bouncers! Throw them out.

(ALL GRUNTING AND YELLING)

(YELLING)

(SHERMAN WHOOPS)

SHERMAN: God dang! Isn't that fun?
Ha-ha-ha. Whoo!

- Let's go back in!
- Are you crazy?

- Let's just talk about it a minute.
- SHERMAN: Oh, what are you talking about?

AMTRAC: You were really graceful
in there tonight, kid.

Where'd you learn to fight like that?

- SHERMAN: Ha-ha-ha.
- I was on the Olympic boxing team.

I'll show you how to throw
a man out of here!

I've been getting thrown
out of here since... Aah!

...before you were goddamn born!

All right, all right.

These fights ain't worth a shit anymore.

Kid, what's your name?

SKI: Delmore Shidski.

- What's that last name again?
- Shidski.

- How do you spell that?
- MAN 2: Are you kidding me?

- Huh? S-H-I-D...
- S-K-I.

Well, we'll just call him Ski.

Hey, the night's too quiet
and it's too young to quit!

(BOARDS CLATTERING)

It is too damn mean in there.

Let's go someplace else.
Let's go get some loving.

- Thanks a lot, Tim. All right.
- Catch you next time.

JOCKO:
Shit. That wasn't any kind of fight.

Let's go on up to the ranch
and show them your stunt reels.

HOOPER: Hey, pretty!

- Yeah. Would you like to see it?
- Yeah, I would.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

(ALL CHATTERING)

GWEN:
Wait a minute! It's 1:30 in the morning!

HOOPER: You whip up some eggs
for the guys and we'll have a little party.

We'll just drink. What the hell.
We're gonna have a party at my house.

(CROWD CHEERS)

(JOCKO SNORES)

HOOPER:
It always leaves them speechless.

(SKI CHUCKLES)

- That was great, Sonny.
- Thank you.

Looks like you've done
every gag there ever was.

Well...

- me and Jocko...
- Yeah! Believe I will.

Me and Jocko, we...
We never turned down a stunt.

No.

Never turned down a gag.

I had it in my will once...

(JOCKO MUTTERING)

- ...I thought I was gonna, uh...
- Die.

I'd have something to leave,
and I put it in the will. I said...

I wanted it on the cement,
on the thing...

- Tombstone.
- Tombstone!

"Jocko Doyle never turned down a gag."
See?

(JOCKO BURPS)

- Perfect.
- That was... Been a hell of an idea.

Perfect, perfect, perfect.

(JOCKO YAWNS LOUDLY)

Once I turned down...

What I did turn down
was everything else...

but then, shit,
gotta keep the good times rolling.

(JOCKO GRUNTS)

Is that why you did it all?
Because of the good times?

Well, you don't wanna knock
good times, kid. I mean...

I get so damn old, I'm just...

sitting in my rocking chair on a porch,
I wanna have same nice memories.

What the hell else is there?

I don't know, just, uh...

Maybe prove certain things
can be done or that...

a man can do just about anything
he puts his mind to.

(JOCKO GRUNTS)

That is too deep for me.

HOOPER:
Sun! The sun's come up! It's daylight!

(BURPS)

(GRUNTS)

(HOOPER SIGHS)

(JOCKO CHUCKLES)

- JOCKO: Hey.
- Mm.

You ought to drink more.
Nothing hurts when you're numb.

(HOOPER LAUGHING)

JOCKO: Hmm.

- Where's the kid?
- He's standing in there...

staring avariciously
into your trophy case...

little trickles of slobber
running down here.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(JOCKO SIGHS)

It's so goddamn funny. You weren't
a hell of a lot different a few years ago.

- Twenty years ago.
- Twenty years ago.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Your little eyes were spinning around,
beady...

looking for fame and fortune.

- Shit.
- Ha-ha-ha.

And I know damn well too.
I was sitting there making $20,000 a year...

as the top dog around this place.

Every time I look over my shoulder,
there you are jumping up and down...

figuring out some way
you can top whatever gag I did.

- Well?
- Well?

Well, you gonna marry my daughter?

Oh. Goddamn, Jocko. I was married once.
You know that. It was a disaster. I...

I felt like a failure, you know?
I'm scared to death of marriage.

Besides that,
nobody's getting married today anyway.

- Who ain't getting married?
- Nobody's getting married!

Name me somebody that ain't getting married.
Name me two people.

Everybody's... People getting...

- Faggots are getting married, for chrissake.
- Ha-ha-ha.

What the hell do you mean,
nobody's getting married? Eh.

I love her, Jocko...

but I gotta do things in my own time.

- You're a horny son of a bitch.
- I gotta do things my own way.

Yeah, well, that's what I done, see?

In my time, my way.
I wasn't even home when she was born.

Listen, you.

Didn't you ever want that?

Haven't you ever been with Gwen
when you wanted to have a baby? Huh?

Did you ever have that feeling?

All the time, Jocko.

All the time.

MAX:
Listen, Roger, we gotta have a talk.

The studio's bugging me
about the budget.

ROGER: Later, Max.

I've got to get this first shot.
Tony, let's set up this first one, okay?

Listen, Roger.

Medic!

Oh. Thank you, my love.

Ah! Thank you.

- Good morning, Mr. Berns.
- Hi, Max.

- Why, that punk. Who? Roger.
- Who?

If his last picture hadn't grossed
$100 million, I'd kick his ass.

Do it! We've been waiting for months
for you to kick his ass.

You guys look like garbage.

You should see through my eyes.
It's Metrocolor.

I've just got a little headache.
You think we're bad, you should see...!

Don't yell in my ear. Jesus Christ!

(MOTOR BUZZING)

What the hell is that?

(HOOPER BURPS)

CULLY: Look what's coming.

Stop that thing! Shoot it! Kill it!

- Want some breakfast?
- Oh! God. Get that circumcised, will you?

- What are you doing here? What?
- Reporting for work.

- Reporting for work.
- To work?

Yeah. You told me last night
to come to work.

- HOOPER: Did I do that?
- I don't remember that.

- Oh.
- You were pretty bombed. Want me to leave?

No. No, I don't want you to leave.
We'll find you some work.

All right, everybody's ready now.

- Roll the cameras.
- MAN 1: Cameras ready.

- MAN 2: Marking able.
- MAN 3: And maker.

All right, background! Action!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Cut it! Cut it!

Okay?

Didn't do a thing for me, Hooper.

Missed by a mile.

Boring, boring, boring.

I'm not a mind reader, Roger.
If you tell me what you want, I'll do it.

Look, you're the stunt gaffer, so gaff.

I've got an idea.
Would take some time, though.

- Who are you?
- He's a new man. Ski. He's a good man.

Anything will be better than that,
so let's try one.

Thanks to the kid here, the Polack, we have
to sit around waiting for night to shoot.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Gives me time to get over my hangover.

Guys, it's Roger's birthday.

Oh.

I thought maybe we could all think
of something to give him?

How about VD?

(MEN LAUGH)

Oh, I got an idea. I know something perfect
for him. Everybody cough up a little money.

ALL (SINGING): Happy birthday, Roger

MAN 1: Watch your feet, guys.

Well, what more can I say?
I'm very, very touched, and thank you.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

TONY: This fire scene is very dangerous.
We want everybody on their toes.

We don't want anybody hurt.

ROGER: Okay, action!

- Remember, that's gasoline in there, Sonny.
- Right.

- Be careful.
- Bless your cock.

(TRUCK APPROACHING)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Aah!

Hello, gorgeous.

- Sonny, will you get me out of here?
- You bet your sweet bippy.

- WOMAN: Sonny, will you get serious!
- No time for that.

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

MAN: Are they okay?
I can't see through the flame.

TONY: Cut it! Cut it!

Are you guys waiting for an invitation
to put that fire out?

L.A.'s got enough smog.

Oh.

You know, Sonny, I love stuntmen.

Let's get that fire out.
I want everybody to stay back here.

- Don't get near those flames.
- Tony.

Get Hooper over here for me, will you?

Uh, Hooper,
that bit at the complex tomorrow...

- ...who's set for it?
- HOOPER: Bobby Bass.

Hmm. Would you mind
if Ski did it instead?

Yes, I would mind, Roger. Uh...

I'm the stunt coordinator
on this picture...

and I say who does
and who doesn't do the stunts.

And I'd like Bobby Bass.

Hmm. Well, I don't want to infringe
on your authority...

but I really would like Ski
to do that gag, okay?

MAN 1: Six-three, Louis.

TONY: Okay, everybody,
we're ready to make one. Roll the cameras!

MAN 2: Speed! A camera.

MAN 3: Baker!

Action!

Cut it!
Bring the stuntman out here, please.

Great, Kent!
Go downstairs, relax. Wonderful.

Hey, good luck, Ski.

All right, you gotta make him look good.
Okay? All the preparation you need.

- We'll go down and set up the cameras.
- You got it.

All right, people, we're in the wrong place.
Now move it all downstairs.

Let's go! Let's move it!

You ready, Ski?

MAN 1 (OVER RADIO):
He'll be ready in a second.

HOOPER: Tony, he's ready!

- Roll the cameras!
- MAN 2: Speed!

MAN 3: B camera marker.

Come on, good buddy.

Not too shabby.

No, that's pretty good.

HOOPER: We could've done that
when we were his age...

except they didn't have
buildings that tall.

(GUNFIRE)

ROGER: Cut it! Cut it!

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

You have to admit he's pretty damn good.

- Yeah, I have to admit it.
- Pretty damn young too.

Yeah, I hate him. I just hate him.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- Handsome little shit.
- Ugh.

Well?

I thought it was a little slow.

If you don't mind, uh,
I'd like to have another one. Okay?

Are you kidding me?

Yeah, I'm kidding.

(HOOPER & CULLY LAUGH)

Come around tomorrow.
I'll show you how an old man does it.

- DON: Here you go, Sonny.
- HOOPER: Thanks, Don.

We're all ready, Hooper.

A little air in the air bag would help,
numb-nuts.

Get that filled up!

CULLY: Sonny!

- Are you crazy? Huh?
- What?

- I just talked to that helicopter pilot.
- So?

Well, how high are you gonna drop?

- What's the world record?
- Two twenty-three.

I'll go 224.

(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

TONY: Roll the cameras!

ROGER: Action!

(GUNFIRE)

HOOPER: Pull me in, Jeffrey! Pull me in!

(GRUNTS)

Whoa.

I hope nothing happens to this dinner jacket.
Man, I want to keep this.

- Whoo! You look like a head waiter.
- I am.

(ALL LAUGH)

Geronimo!

(CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

(HOOPER GRUNTS)

You've got another world record
for your books, buddy.

How about a can of Coors? Huh?

Sonny, you can jump
on my mattress any time.

- Fantastic.
- You're great, Sonny.

- Terrific, Sonny.
- Hooper, it was nice.

- You're through for the day.
- I'm proud of you.

I bet that air bag didn't look that...

Without causing any commotion,
I want to go see the doctor.

DOCTOR:
About the same thing. Another tropism.

We've got a coronal-facing here
and another sagittal-facing here...

two areas of instability...

within the space of around two
or three lumbar vertebrae.

Now, if we go over here, as you can see,
this is the articulating facet.

This is a coronal-facing here,
and this is a sagittal-facing over here.

This gives a very unstable
low-back condition.

How's my cockus erectus?

- If you'll hold on to it
for a minute, I'll finish. - Fine.

All of these conditions make it look like
you're having a preosteoporotic condition.

(HOOPER LAUGHS)

Frankly, Sonny,
it doesn't look too promising.

Hell, I thought I had a problem till you
explained it. Now I'm not worried anymore.

Christ, I was really proud
of that operation.

The average person,
it would have lasted them for a lifetime.

- Hmm.
- But not with you.

Why do you keep on screwing up
all my good work?

Ha, ha. You should be paying me.

Half of what you know you learned
from wiring me together.

What have you got, a death wish?

Look who's talking.
These things are nails in your coffin.

- Jesus.
- I'm cutting way down.

Ha-ha-ha. I hope so.

- Look, Sonny, I'm serious.
- Good.

You can't keep bashing your backbone...

and expect to go walking around
like a normal person.

Listen, I can handle it. I'm a tough guy.
You know what I mean?

Give it to me, sweetheart.
Don't pull any punches.

The kid can take it.

The kid could take it.
Only you're not a kid any longer.

- Look, heh, I'm gonna level with you.
- Hmm?

- One good impact here...
- Ow.

...you understand?
You're gonna be paralyzed.

From the neck down, nothing moves.

- Nothing?
- Heh. Yeah, even your ding-dong.

- My ding-dong.
- Heh.

Look, Sonny, I'm not saying it'll happen,
but you could die.

Well, if my ding-dong ain't gonna work,
I don't wanna live.

DOCTOR:
All right. But the odds are against you.

If you were a horse, I'd shoot you.

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

HOOPER: I bet a big five.

- "El foldo."
- El foldo.

Star, el foldo. El foldo.

CULLY:
I'll see it. And here come the biggies.

HOOPER: Screw the biggies.

Wait a minute. You can't use that thing.
What is that?

- It's my pocket computer.
- You can't use a computer. You can't use that.

Show me where it says I can't,
and I'll put it up.

All right. I'll see your five
and I'll raise you five.

Uh, I'll just use
my manually operated poker sense...

against your mechanical wizardry.

And I'll bump you a quarter.

- High roller, huh?
- Mm-hm.

MAN: Look at that, gang.

HOOPER: Who is that guy?

- That's the writer. Heh.
- Well, he looks a little miffed.

(ALL LAUGH)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- You think Roger didn't like his script?
- I think so. Ha-ha-ha.

- What do you got?
- Pair of fours.

- Pair of sevens.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Sevens. Three aces. Ha-ha-ha.

- It was a calculated risk.
- So was the Edsel. Ha-ha-ha.

- CULLY: Like to sit in for a hand, Mr. Berns?
- Thanks, Cully, but I'm not in the mood.

- Well, you characters, you did it this time.
- How's that?

Roger. You got him so excited
he's rewriting the script...

putting a whole bunch
of new gags in for you.

- What, he want us to blow up L.A.? Ha-ha-ha.
- CULLY: Ha, ha.

No joke. The writer was a little upset,
as you may have noticed.

Yeah, we noticed.

And the studio is backing him all the way.
They say it's his ball game.

So tomorrow morning
at 8:00, on Stage 6...

he's having a meeting with you fellas,
and he's gonna show you a new ending.

The biggest earthquake ever.

You guys are trying to drive to safety.

The first thing we'll do is collapse
this building into a giant crevice.

(WHISPERS) Giant crevice.

You're driving through explosions,
bodies flying everywhere, fire...

You're just about to reach safety when bam!
We blow the bridge.

And you fellas will have to rappel down
into the gorge...

There'll be a lot of fire and smoke
and explosions.

...up the other side to safety.

- (IN NORMAL VOICE) All in one shot?
- All in one shot.

Flames, explosions, death. Everything.

And you guys leaping out of it to triumph.
Isn't it a great idea?

It's a great idea, Roger.

I can't imagine anything better.

Why not jump a car over the gorge?

Aw, Ski, will you knock it off
with the jokes?

No, no, no. What do you mean, Ski?

SKI: Well, you'd have the biggest,
best car stunt ever done.

What kind of car
could leap a gorge that wide?

- A rocket car could make it.
- Well, I don't like it.

What if you don't make it?

- Cliff?
- They could make it, couldn't they?

Sure, they could make it!

Cliff...

what's the longest jump
a rocket car's ever made?

CLIFF: Buddy Joe took one 187 feet once.

- How far is this?
- CLIFF: Three hundred and twenty-five feet.

Could you beef up the suspension?

Build a cage strong enough to protect Ski
and I when we landed on the other side?

I could build a car like that,
but I can't tell how it would land.

- That's 325 feet, Sonny.
- I know how far it is, Cliff.

- Hell. It'd be a new world record.
- Wouldn't do my reputation any harm.

Sonny, think of the risk.

Forget about the risk, Max.
Just bring your checkbook.

- Hooper?
- HOOPER: Huh?

What's your fee for a gag like that?

A hundred thousand dollars.

Fifty thousand dollars for Ski...

$50,000 for me.

It's the world's biggest stunt.

It ought to have
the world's biggest paycheck.

Look, will you boys wait over there for
a minute? I want to discuss this with Roger.

Of course, of course.

You can do it, Cliff.

Build a strong enough cage
so when we land on the other side...

Roger...

you know how much
over the budget we are.

I want it, Max.
It's right, and I want it.

It's a stunt that's never been done.

And what if they don't make it, Roger?

- Are you gonna be responsible for it?
- I don't care. I want it.

It's the ending I want.
It's the statement I want to make.

Cut something else if you have to.
I want that stunt.

All right, Roger.

I'll talk to Sonny,
see if I can't get his price down.

No offense, Max,
but I don't think you could.

Hooper knows you too well.

Tony will get him down. Won't you, Tony?

It'll be a pleasure.

MAN: I drove this sucker the other day
and it hauls ass. What'd you do to it?

I put a 428 police interceptor in it.
Balanced and blueprinted.

- It's plenty hot.
- If it's that hot, I could use it Friday night.

- Listen up, listen up. Lead heads!
- What?

- Any of you guys seen Hooper?
- Down here, short legs.

- Hooper.
- Yeah?

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- HOOPER: Step in my office.

Look, that gag you guys came up
with this morning...

100,000 is way out of line.

Mm-hm. Well, that's my price.
It's not negotiable.

Heh. Everything is negotiable, Hooper.

I know you're making big noises
just to jack up your fee, but here it is.

Twenty grand for the jump.

Because when you get right down to it,
that's all this is: just another car jump.

Really?

(ENGINE STARTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Better fasten your seat belt.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm just thinking over your offer.
I think better when I'm driving.

Hooper, don't get excited.
Maybe we can compromise.

I never compromise.

Life is too short. So are you.

- Maybe we got off on the wrong foot, Hooper.
- I don't think so.

- Oh, Jesus!
- It's just another car jump.

- Did you enjoy that?
- No. No.

- Hey, Sonny!
- Hi, Jane!

MAN 1: You'll work with anybody!

Ah, I love Westerns. Whoo!

(WHIMPERING)

MAN 2:
Look out! Here comes the wild man!

(HOOPER GRUNTS)

- Price is 100 grand.
- A hundred grand will be just fine.

(HOOPER LAUGHING)

- MAN 3: You okay, Hoop?
- Oh, yeah. Just couldn't be better.

Tony might get
a little sick in a second.

He had a stroke.

A stroke?

Yeah.

(GWEN SNIFFS)

He says he fell down in the shower
and broke his knee.

The dumb jerk.

Even when they tell him it's a stroke,
he won't accept it.

Come on.

How is he now?

I don't know.

They shot him full of Demerol.

Stupid old bastard.
He's so damn stubborn.

- HOOPER: Jocko?
- Jesus Christ.

Hey.

- Ain't this a bitch?
- HOOPER: Mm.

What happened?

Well...

35 years of falling off horses and airplanes
and every goddamn thing else...

I gotta go and do a brodie
in my own toilet.

(HOOPER CHUCKLES)

You're gonna be all right, Jocko.

You know what a priest told me one time?

No, what?

This priest says to me,
"Son, your body is a temple."

Heh. Hell of a goddamn way
to treat a temple, ain't it?

Horses stepping all over it...

stagecoaches dragging it all through rocks
and cactus and all kinds of shit...

Eh...

Then I spend the rest of my time...

laying around waiting
for something to heal.

You know what I'm talking about,
don't you?

- Yeah.
- JOCKO: Well...

what for?

Can you tell me what for?

- Well, I think, Jock...
- I don't want to hear all that now, Sonny.

Goddamn, you're a talkative
son of a bitch.

Temple's all busted to shit,
and all you can do is keep on talking.

(JOCKO MUTTERS)

(CHUCKLES)

Did the doctor say anything to you?

Yeah.

They said they don't know
if he'll be able to walk again.

(SIGHS)

Well, I'll tell you something, Gwenny.

I'm quitting after this picture.
I'm not doing any more stunts.

I'm going to hang it up.

GWEN: I love you.

I'm gonna make so much money
on this job anyway, I can...

pay off the ranch.

Stock it.

(CHUCKLES)

We'll be in high cotton.

Heh. I love you.

HOOPER: What'd you say?

I said, I love you.

I love you too.

(DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES)

(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)

Oh. Oh.

You better save some tequila
for breakfast.

Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Heh.
Come on in.

Where in the hell have you been?
I've been waiting.

- We were at the hospital, Cully.
- CULLY: Oh?

- Dad had a stroke.
- CULLY: A stroke?

Really?

- Is he all right?
- He's gonna be all right.

CULLY: Oh, I'm sorry, Gwen.

- God, Cully, you look perfectly awful.
- Oh, I am. I am.

- I'll get you some supper.
- No, wait, wait, wait. Nothing to eat.

(GRUNTS)

I got fired, heh,
so I came by to say goodbye.

- Fired? What are you talking about?
- Well, see, they were over budget...

and they wanted to get rid
of some of the deadwood.

- My Wood's dead. Heh.
- Who fired you? Max?

Uh...

I don't really know.

But I got the word
from that little popcorn fart, Tony.

- Oh, no, no.
- Shut up.

Nobody can hire and fire anybody on this...
What are you doing? Come on.

I told them if they fired you,
they'd have to fire me.

- Did you tell them that? I appreciate that.
- Yes, I told them that.

You little rascal. That's why I love you.
We do things for each other.

- I'm gonna do something for you now.
- Do something for me.

Good advice. Get off the damn picture
before you get hurt.

GWEN: Cully, he told me this is his
last picture. After this, no more.

Oh, sure, if there's anything left of him
after this picture.

- HOOPER: Cully.
- What does that mean?

- Oh. You didn't tell her?
- No, I didn't.

He didn't tell you? Naughty, naughty.

He didn't tell you
about the big bad rocket-car stunt?

- Will you stop it?
- No. What stunt?

Oh. Well, I'm gonna let him
fill in the details.

Mind your own business.
Just drink your tequila.

I do want to tell you one thing
while I'm still drunk on your tequila.

- Shit. Oh, shit.
- I went to see his doctor.

I went to see his doctor,
asked him what's going to happen to him...

when he lands that rocket car
over there across the gorge...

- ...how hard it's gonna hit.
- Sonny, what is he talking about?

He's talking about $50,000 over and above
what I'll make on this picture.

Besides, I can't let that kid
do the stunt alone.

The kid? What...? What is this?

You've got Ski in this crazy thing now?

No, Gwenny, it's the other way around.
The kid's got him.

- Will you butt out?
- I told you that kid was gonna get you killed.

Sonny, you told me you were quitting
after this picture...

so you could trade it off
against doing this stunt. True?

You're crazy, you know that?
I'll tell you one thing. You're crazy.

- I don't want to hear your...
- CULLY: No!

- Dumb jackass!
- Shut your drunken mouth!

- Listen, don't mess up my wardrobe.
- GWEN: Hey! Sonny!

(CULLY GRUNTS)

CULLY: Oh.

Hundred and seventy-two
motion-picture fights.

That's the first time he ever hit me.

That son of a bitch can hit. Heh.

- GWEN: Cully, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, he didn't mean it.

If he had meant it,
he'd have hit a lot harder.

He's hurting, Gwenny.

He's got a lot of things on his mind.

Oh, Cully.

- Sonny.
- Mm?

Sonny, will you go home now?

Why?

Please?

Sonny.

(HOOPER BLOWS RASPBERRY)

I'm sorry. Heh, heh.

Sonny, what are you trying to prove?

Let me ask you something, Debbie.

This is a big town, isn't it?

- I mean, Los Angeles is a big town.
- Yeah.

Well, why the hell does this bar close
before the bars in Tulsa?

Can you answer me that?

I don't know, Sonny.

Hey, let's go somewhere
and have some breakfast. You want to?

I can't do that.

Let's go somewhere and have some lunch.

I can't do that either.

Well, let's go somewhere
and jump each other's bones.

- Aah.
- Hmm?

- That is tempting, Sonny. Yeah.
- Is it?

- But you know why I can't do it?
- Why?

Because my husband
is so jealous and so near.

And so big.

MAN: Sonny...

(HOOPER LAUGHING)

- MAN: Hey.
- Huh?

When you get so drunk you make a pass
at Debbie in my presence...

- ...it's time for me to call you a cab.
- Yeah.

You don't call me a cab. I am a cab.
You don't need to call me a cab.

I'm perfectly able
to take a walk or ride...

or fly or whatever.
Anything you want me to do, I can do.

- I'm perfectly coordinated.
- Sonny.

So bye-bye and so long.

(HORSE NEIGHS)

(WHINNIES)

ROGER: You said you could do it.

I rewrote the script
because you said you could do it.

We rearranged the shooting schedule.

We spent a damn fortune
preparing for that stunt...

because you said you could do it.

- HOOPER: I was wrong, Roger. I'm sorry.
- You were wrong.

He was wrong, Max. He's sorry.

He blows the whole goddamn movie
and he says, "Gee, I was wrong. Sorry."

(SIGHS)

Okay, okay. New business.

- Ski does it with someone else, that's all.
- Why don't you forget it, Roger?

I never liked the damn gag anyhow.

- Who else can do the stunt?
- Buddy Joe can do it.

- He's not available.
- ROGER: Who else?

Nobody.

- What do you mean, nobody?
- I mean nobody. It's a very complicated stunt.

There's maybe three guys that can do it,
and we're not available.

Ski will do it solo with a dummy, then.

Goddamn, Roger. If you knew
what the hell you were talking about...

you'd realize it takes two guys
to do the stunt.

One guy to drive,
one guy to read the instruments.

And I'm telling you
that Ski isn't qualified.

Max, does this man still have a job
on this picture?

Sonny works here as long as I say so.

Or as long as Sonny wants to.

Thank you, Max.

Now, if Sonny says Ski can't do it,
I believe him.

It's only a damn movie anyhow,
for God's sake.

Only a movie?

I want you to call the studio brass.

I want you to tell them
and their stockholders, distributors...

and the bank that it's only a movie.
Will you do that, Max?

I want you to tell them, "Forget about
all your money. It's only a movie."

I'll tell them that no damn movie
is worth a man's life!

And I'll tell them unless I can shoot
this picture the way I want to...

and that means this stunt,
then I take a walk.

And we'll see who walks,
Mr. Berns, you or I.

I'm sorry, Max.

Ah, what the hell, Sonny. What the hell.

(HOOPER CHUCKLES)

You know the old saying:

BOTH:
You'll never work in this town again.

- Ha, ha.
- Hmm.

Unless they need you.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING)

- WAITRESS: Here you go, Cully.
- Thanks. A Coke?

- If you're still mad, I can just leave...
- Shut up and sit down.

(CULLY CHUCKLES)

Kind of early in the day
for that hard stuff, isn't it?

I'm working out my left arm
this morning.

I'll get around to my right arm
this afternoon.

(CULLY CHUCKLES)

You heard what's happening, haven't you?
I'll tell you what's happening.

That new kid, Ski?
Well, they've got him gaffing the show.

You know what else? I'll tell you what else.
They canceled that car stunt.

At least temporarily.

You were absolutely right,
it's a two-man stunt.

Ain't nobody crazy enough to ride with that
kid, with a rocket strapped to his butt.

And you can bet your ass,
your cowboy hat and your house cat...

they're gonna be coming after you
to get you to do the stunt.

You gonna do the stunt?

You know what, Cully?

There's a whole new breed
of stuntman coming along.

They're younger and...

stronger...

tougher than us.

They don't take pills,
they don't drink...

they don't... They don't take shots.

They use little pocket calculators.

If we don't watch out, they're gonna
blow us right out of the tub.

You didn't answer my question.
Are you gonna do the stunt?

(SIGHS)

MAX: Boy, I never realized there were
so many gags at the end of the picture.

So involved.

Fire gags, the whole town being blown up,
50 stuntmen doing falls.

All right, Max.

What's the real reason
you came out here?

To ask me to come back
and gaff the show?

No, it's the rocket-car gag, Sonny.

- The rocket car?
- It's a two-man job, just like you always said.

Nobody in town will touch it.

- Roger's worried that Ski will get hurt.
- That's a lot of bullshit.

Roger's worried about getting his shot.

Roger's worried about
finishing his picture.

So he talked you into coming out here
to ask me to come back and do the gag.

You tell Roger to go sit
on a short stick.

- If you won't do it for Roger...
- I'll do it for you?

- I'd appreciate it.
- You'd appreciate it?

What happened to you, Max?
You used to be tough.

Nobody could tell you how
to make a picture.

And nobody got hurt on your pictures.

If I don't deliver this picture...

I'll be the producer who blew
the biggest and hottest project in town.

All washed up. Finished.

I'm too old to go back
to selling door-to-door.

Okay, Max.

You got me.

GWEN: You gonna do it?

Yeah.

I'm gonna do it.

I won't be here when you get back.

(DOOR OPENS THEN CLOSES)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

- JEFFREY: Hey, Sonny! How you doing, my man?
- Jeffrey.

- Gary.
- GARY: How's it hanging, Sonny?

- CLIFF: Hi, Sonny. Max said you were coming in.
- Danny.

Nice to see you back.

What do you think of my baby?

It's big.

Looks like one of King Kong's
suppositories.

(ALL LAUGH)

- How you doing, Ski?
- Fine, Sonny. How about you?

HOOPER: Good.

Let me tell you guys
how this thing works.

Now, Sonny, your job
is to dial up the pressure.

You'll need 1500 pounds,
and that leaves Ski free to drive.

When the pressure's right,
hit the switch, and you are gone.

- How's it handle?
- Haven't driven it yet.

- Let's try it out.
- I heard that.

(ENGINE STARTS)

How's it feel?

Pulls a little to the left.

Anything else?

That cigarette lighter don't work.

You just better hope that
that cigarette lighter works.

(SKI CHUCKLES)

SKI:
We'll be following the explosive truck.

The driver will jump out,
and it'll blow.

Supposed to collapse the bridge
from the super structure to the other bank.

You figure out on that pocket calculator
how many G's we're pulling when we land?

Eight to 10 if we land on our wheels.

We gotta make sure
we hit the ramp just right...

otherwise it'd veer off one way
or the other...

or could just go head
first into that bank.

- If that happens, there's just one thing to do.
- What's that?

Put your head between your legs
and kiss your ass goodbye.

It's a piece of cake.

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)

I'll buy you a drink.

You don't drink, do you?

I'm willing to start.

Damn good time to do it.

SKI: You know...

all this hanging around with you,
I think you're starting to rub off on me.

- HOOPER: How's that?
- SKI: Well, a couple ways.

(BURPS)

- Uh-huh.
- Excuse me.

My first marriage, you know,
is more than likely in the shitter.

Oh, yeah.

And I'm learning to drink and liking it.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah, well...

my present relationship is not good.

Actually, it's in the shitter too.

(SKI CHUCKLES)

Well, what the hell
is it about stuntmen...

and their wives and relationships?

I don't know.
It's a little like drinking and driving.

Eventually there's gonna be
a hell of a wreck.

- SHERIFF: Hey, guys.
- Hey. Oh, hey.

- Is this your car?
- Yeah.

- Looks pretty fast.
- Looks ain't deceiving.

From the looks of them beer cans,
I'd say you two guys were a little drunk.

SKI: Like I said,
looks ain't deceiving, you old fart.

Better let me handle this.

I hope you guys ain't planning
on doing any more driving.

We're not gonna do any more driving.
I just called my mother.

And she's gonna come out here
and pick us up and take us home.

I'm gonna leave the car here
and go home with her.

(HOOPER LAUGHS)

- Your mother?
- Yeah.

I hope you're right.

Old fart.

So the queen says to the photographer:

"I got a brother-in-law
that's a photographer."

The photographer says, "So?
I've got a brother-in-law that's a queen."

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh. Look what we got here.

Howdy, old fart.

Afternoon, officer. Nice day, isn't it?

Pull up, right over there!

- What's that?
- I said, pull over up front!

- Pull over up front, that's what I said!
- Gotcha.

Shall we?

(SKI CHUCKLES)

SKI: Say goodbye to the nice officer.

Bye-bye, nice officer.

Great God almighty!

Headquarters!

Never mind.

ROGER (OVER RADIO):
All right, Tony, I'm coming down.

Get Hooper and Ski ready, will you?

All right, move it out of here.
The helicopter's coming down.

ROGER:
Tony, do I have to do everything myself?

Get those people out of here.

TONY: Hooper! Ski! Get over here.
Roger wants you.

Let's go, let's go! Over here!

We'll be putting away this thing here.
We're gonna blow all this up.

ROGER: As you remember, it's a giant
earthquake, you know, with fires, explosions...

buildings falling everywhere,
chaos, terror...

and you'll be driving through it.

It has a nice grayness, like La Strada.

All right, I'll be in the chopper
for all of this.

And we start back there
at the administration building.

When the earthquake hits,
we collapse the building.

That's a great idea, Roger.
That's gonna look terrific on film.

Now, this gas station is where...

you'll force one of those cars
chasing you to hit those pumps...

and that'll set off our main tank.

Sensational idea, Roger.

It's the only way it can be filmed.

(SMOOCHES)

ROGER:
Actually, you're quite wrong, Tony.

There are several ways of doing it,
but this is undoubtedly the best.

All right, Sonny, I'm depending on you.

I want some good stunts, some cars skidding,
other cars crashing into each other...

but these smokestacks are important.

When they fall, they demolish everything.
They've got to just miss your car.

That is crucial...

because we can't put those stacks
back together again.

TONY: That's right, Roger.

Here's where you find the explosives truck
that blows the bridge...

and of course,
your car will have to jump the river.

CULLY: We'll go over here where
we can get a good view of the jump.

- It's good to see you.
- You've come for the jump, right?

- Yeah.
- It's gonna be neat. Later.

CULLY:
Hey, Gwen. Gwen. Do you want to see him?

No.

Afterward.

TONY: Roger wants to talk to you guys.

Yeah, Roger?

All right, Ski, Sonny, this is Roger.
You boys ready?

- HOOPER (OVER RADIO): We were born ready.
- Wonderful. Let's try one, shall we?

One's all you get, hoss.

- Good luck, guys.
- Hold this while we're gone, will you?

ROGER: Remember, people, no one ever won
an Oscar for second best. So get ready.

- All right, this is it. Roll the cameras.
- MAN 1: Speed.

- MAN 2: Rolling cameras one through five.
- MAN 3: Six through nine.

- MAN 4: Eleven and 12.
- Action! Go, go, go!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(HORN HONKS)

We're up to pressure, 1500 pounds.

Goddamn. Cliff was working overtime.

(SIREN WAILS)

We're losing...
We're losing some pressure.

- Well, stick the thing up to full power!
- I already did that!

It's down, 1400 pounds.

- It just ain't enough.
- It better be.

(CHUCKLES)

Good, boy. You're doing great.

Woo-hoo!

Holy shit. Your speed is right on.

(BOTH WHOOPING)

- I love it! I love it! Ha-ha-ha!
- Whoo!

(WOMAN SCREAMS)

We're down to 1100 pounds pressure.

- We're in trouble now.
- Goddamn it, Sonny.

(ALL SCREAMING)

One more curve and they're gonna blow
that bridge all to shit!

Get on it, son!
Put the pedal to the metal!

HOOPER:
Get onto that explosives truck's ass!

(TIRES SCREECH)

What the hell's the matter?

- Haven't got enough pressure.
- Screw the pressure!

What is happening?

What the hell is going on down there?
Keep rolling, goddamn it!

My life's worth
more than a piece of film.

I'll tell you exactly what your life is worth.
Your life is worth $50,000.

The price you put on it
when you got behind this wheel.

ROGER: Sonny, Ski, if you do not try
to make this jump...

you'll never work in this town again.
Is that...?

- We're going, huh?
- We're going, yeah, we're going.

Heh. You're crazy.

- I'm gonna hit it.
- Whoo!

Whoo!

(ALL CHATTERING)

I just don't believe it.

Cut, cut, cut! And print, goddamn it!
Get me down.

- MAN 1: Get that door open!
- MAN 2: And get that crowbar over here!

- MAN 3: Let me get in there.
- MAN 4: Can't get it open.

Get away.

Sonny, are you all right?

Sonny, are you all right? Sonny!
Jesus, Sonny!

(SOBS)

- Yes, I know, I know, I know.
- He made it across!

Sonny.

Sonny.

MAN 5: Hey, hey, hey!

(CROWD APPLAUDING AND CHEERING)

MAN 6: That was a hell of a jump!

(CROWD CHATTERING)

CULLY: Make room for Jocko.

- I'd like to take another look at that spot.
- Yeah, from this side.

You're just the greatest.
I love you both.

- Gwen. Gwen, that was his best stunt ever.
- It was his last, Max.

- CLIFF: Zoom!
- Wild stunt.

Max, Max, we did it.

We just filmed the most extraordinary
stunt of all time, and we got it.

- Tony?
- Yeah, Max?

You're fired.

Right, Mr. Berns.

Spectacular.

Wonderful. I knew you could do it.

I never saw anything like it.

It was wonderful. What can I say?
It was wonderful.

Hooper, can I speak to you for a sec?

Look, I know we didn't get along
on this picture.

I also know you think
I'm a tyrannical egomaniac.

Well, maybe it's true...

but films are tiny pieces of time...

and we captured it.

I only do it for one reason.

To make the best movie I can...

because I'm a pro just like you.

I'm also big enough to apologize...

and I know you're big enough to accept.

Well, Roger...

as usual...

you're wrong.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

(HOOPER CHUCKLES)

(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

(ENGLISH - US - SDH)