All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S48E13.WEB.x264-TORRENTGALAXY_Track03

YOU'RE WATCHING C-SPAN.
UP NEXT, FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP

ADDRESSES RESIDENTS OF EAST
PALESTINE, OHIO FOLLOWING THIS
MONTH'S TRAIN DERAILMENT.

[ APPLAUSE ]
HELLO, EVERYONE.
HELLO.

IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE
TOWN OF EAST PALESTINE, NOT A
GREAT NAME.

BUT I HAD TO COME HERE AND SEE
THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE
BEEN ABANDONED BY BIDEN.

HE'S ON SPRING BREAK IN UKRAINE
WITH HIS FRIEND ZELENSKYY IN THE
T-SHIRT, VERY DISRESPECTFUL.

ZELENSKYY THINKS HE'S ROCKING
THAT RINGADEE LIKE SCOTT
PILGRIM.

BUT I'M HERE, AND I BROUGHT
HATS.
CAMERAS AND HATS BECAUSE IT'S

TERRIBLE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE.
EARLIER TODAY, A FARMER CAME UP
TO ME, BIG FELLA, AND HE SAID,

SIR, WE HAVE NOTHING TO EAT
BECAUSE OUR DIRT IS POISON, AND
I SAID, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

EATING THE DIRT?
DON'T EAT THE DIRT, FOLKS.
YOU SHOULD BE EATING THE COLD

McDONALD'S I BROUGHT YOU, AND
TRUMP ICE.
I'LL BE HONEST, I JUST PUT MY

STICKER ON SOME DASANI.
WE LIKE TO SAY DASANI.
I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT YOUR

SITUATION WITH THE WATER, BUT I
WAS LOOKING AT YOUR RIVER, AND
IT'S SO SHINY.

I'VE NEVER SEEN WATER SO
BEAUTIFUL.
BEAUTIFUL RAINBOWS AND

DISCOLORATION.
IT'S GREAT.
IT'S WEARING MAKEUP.

FENTY BEAUTY WATER.
FENTY BY RIHANNA.
BY THE WAY, SHE WAS PREGNANT

DOING SUPER BOWL.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
I SAID, OF COURSE SHE IS.

SHE'S NOT MOVING AT ALL.
SHE WAS JUST DOING ARMS THE
WHOLE TIME.

BUT YOUR TRAIN EXPLODED.
AND WHO DO WE BLAME?
WHO DO WE BLAME?

WE BLAME BUTTIGIEG.
PETE BUTTIGIEG.
THIS WAS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS TOO BUSY
BEING A NERD AND BEING GAY TO
HAVE DEALT WITH THE VERY MUCH

MORE IMPORTANT ISSUE OF SHOULD
DRAINS HAVE BIG POISON.
AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I CALL

HIM PETE BUTT.
I CALL HIM PETE BUTT.
THERE'S NO WAY AROUND IT.

THAT'S JUST THE BEST ONE.
BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED IT EVERY
WHICH WAY, AND IT REALLY DOESN'T

GET BETTER THAN PETE BUTT.
BUT THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER
HAPPENED UNDER MY

ADMINISTRATION.
PEOPLE ARE SAYING I MADE THE
TRAINS LESS SAFE.

NOT TRUE.
OKAY?
NOT TRUE.

I DID A LOT FOR TRAINS.
I MADE THEM BIGGER, FASTER, LESS
SAFE PERHAPS, BUT I'M PAYING MY

RESPECTS BECAUSE YOUR TRAIN
EXPLODED AND NOW YOUR BIRDS AND
FISH ARE ALL DEAD.

WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND NOT
HEAR THE BEAUTIFUL CHIRPING OF
BIRDS AND INSTEAD HEAR TRAINS

EXPLODING AND DERAILING ALL OVER
THE PLACE.
YOUR TOWN IS HURTING.

THAT'S WHY YOU NEED ME.
I FEEL LIKE I COULD "SCHITT'S
CREEK" THIS PLACE, RIGHT?

BUT I NEED BIG EYEBROWS.
YOU WATCH "SCHITT'S CREEK"?
NO, YOU GUYS WATCH YELLOW STONE.

THE DUTTONS.
ANYWAY, I HAVE A SURPRISE GUEST
THIS WEEK.

IT'S THE FOREMAN OF THE GEORGIA
GRAND JURY INVESTIGATING ME.
IT'S EMILY KOHRS.

THIS IS SO COOL.
FIRST GIULIANI AND NOW YOU.
SHE'S AN ODD DUCK, BUT WE

LIKE HER.
SHE'S EITHER 70 OR 40, BUT WE
CAN'T TELL.

SHE'S GOT A BIG SECRET FOR SUCH
A LITTLE LADY.
POTENTIALLY.

I MIGHT.
I DON'T KNOW.
WOW.

WE DON'T LIKE THAT.
WE DON'T LIKE THAT SOUND.
BECAUSE SHE KNOWS IF I'M GETTING

INDICTED.
SHE'S HEAD JUROR, CAN YOU
BELIEVE THAT?

THEY ELECTED HER.
THEY'LL ELECT ANYONE.
I STARTED THAT.

SO COME ON, SPILL THE TEA.
COME ON.
NOPE.

YOU JUST WANT ME TO RUIN THE
CASE.
BUT I GUESS I CAN SAY WE HAVE

BEEN SAYING YOUR NAME A LOT.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
THEY ALMOST HAD ME, AND THEN

THIS LITTLE HORSE GIRL COMES IN
AND SAVES THE DAY.
THANK YOU, EMILY.

FAIR THEE WELL.
DO WE LIKE HER?
SHE LOOKS LIKE HALEY JOEL

OSMENT, AND SHE'S MY BEST
FRIEND.
WELL, I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF

HERE SOON BECAUSE THE AIR IS
FULL OF POISON.
BUT EVERYBODY IN OHIO ALWAYS

ASKS ME, WHAT DO I DO NOW?
THERE'S POISON GAS IN THE AIR.
COULD BE A GOOD THING.

I KNOW SOME OF THE HUSBANDS ARE
HAPPY TO HAVE THE STINKY GAS AS
AN EXCUSE.

HONEY, DID YOU PASS GAS?
NO, IT WAS THE TRAIN.
BLAME THE TRAIN, RIGHT?

YOU WOULD NORMALLY BLAME THE
DOG, BUT THEY'RE ALL DEAD NOW,
AREN'T THEY?

SO IN CONCLUSION, "SCHITT'S
CREEK," RIHANNA, PETE BUTT, AND
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

CREEK," RIHANNA, PETE BUTT, AND
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
SATURDAY NIGHT!

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE" WITH --
FEATURING --

MUSICAL GUEST, JACK WHITE.
AND YOUR HOST, WOODY HARRELSON.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WOODY
HARRELSON!
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH.
HELLO, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.

AND YOU UGLY PEOPLE TOO.
NO.
I JEST.

THIS COUNTRY SEEMS SO DIVIDED,
BEAUTIFUL, UGLY, BLACK, WHITE,
BLUE, RED, I LOVE EVERYBODY.

MAYBE BECAUSE I'M A RED NECK
HIPPY.
YOU KNOW, THE RED IN ME THINKS

YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO OWN
GUNS.
THE BLUE IN ME THINKS, SQUIRT

GUNS.
SO I'M RED AND BLUE, WHICH MAKES
PURPLE.

I'M PURPLE.
SO THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME DOING
SNL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
WELL, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT
MEANS.

NO JACKET.
OKAY.
THE LAST TIME I DID SNL WAS

AROUND THANKSGIVING 2019, THREE
YEARS AGO.
AND YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT

HAPPENED AFTER THE SHOW.
THE NEXT DAY -- IT WAS A SUNDAY,
AS IT ALWAYS IS THE DAY AFTER I

DO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
IT'S LIKE A PATTERN I NOTICED.
ANYWAY, I WENT WALKING IN THE

GREATEST PART OF THIS CITY,
CENTRAL PARK, LEANED AGAINST A
TREE, AND STARTED TO READ THE

CRAZIEST SCRIPT.
OKAY.
FULL DISCLOSURE, I SMOKED A

JOINT FIRST.
THE REASON I LIKE HERB MORE THAN
ALCOHOL IS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME

FEEL GOOD, NO HANGOVER, AND I
NEVER WAKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD.
BUT REGARDLESS, I HAVE DECIDED

TO QUIT SMOKING POT ALTOGETHER,
AND I'M STICKING WITH IT --
UNTIL AFTER THE SHOW.

YEAH.
LAST WEEK IN AUSTIN, I WAS
TALKING WITH MY FRIEND NICK.

WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.
HE WROTE "TRUE DETECTIVE" AND I
WAS IN "TRUE DETECTIVE."

I'M VEGAN, AND ALL THE ANIMALS
HE EATS ARE VEGAN.
ANYWAY, I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT

HOW I START SMOKING AROUND NOON
AND GET PROGRESSIVELY DUMBER AS
THE DAY UNFOLDS.

FORGET BASIC WORDS, SIMPLE
OBJECTS E-T-CETERA.
I WAS HOPING THE WIFE MIGHT SAY,

OH, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
INSTEAD SHE SAYS, AT LEAST
YOU'RE AWARE OF IT.

AND I SAY, WELL THAT DOESN'T
FEEL LIKE MUCH CONSOLATION.
AND SHE SAYS, THINK OF ALL THE

DUMB PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW
THEY'RE DUMB.
YOU'RE AHEAD OF THEM.

THANKS, HON.
BUT ON TOP OF THE HERB, I'M A
WEE BIT OF A DRINKER.

I DON'T KNOW WHY I WENT IRISH
THERE.
ALL RIGHT.

ANYWAY, BUT IN A PERSONAL
TRIUMPH, LAST YEAR, I HAD SEVEN
MONTHS WITH NO ALCOHOL, AND FIVE

GLORIOUS MONTHS.
ANYWAY, WHAT WERE WE TALKING
ABOUT?

OH, YEAH.
I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT THAT
SCRIPT.

SO I BLAZE A FATTY, WHICH, YOU
KNOW, I GOT IN LA AT MY
DISPENSARY, THE WOODS.

I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I DIDN'T
TRANSPORT THE HERB FROM
CALIFORNIA TO NEW YORK BECAUSE

THAT'S HIGHLY ILLEGAL.
MY MANAGER, JEREMY, DID.
YEAH.

HE MULED IT FROM LA.
YEAH.
SPEAKING OF JEREMY, HE'S HERE

TONIGHT.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
YEAH.

NEWLY SINGLE, LADIES.
VERY HANDSOME.
I KNOW HE WOULD PREFER I TALK

ABOUT OUR MOVIE "CHAMPIONS"
THAT'S COMING OUT IN TWO WEEKS.
COMEDIC MASTERPIECE, BUT I'M NOT

HERE TO SELL "CHAMPIONS."
IT SELLS ITSELF.
PROJECTIONS HAVE IT MAKING MORE

THAN "AVATAR", BUT WHATEVER, I'M
NO SALESMAN.
WHERE WAS I?

OKAY.
SO THREE YEARS AGO, CENTRAL
PARK, SUNDAY MORNING, THE LORD'S

DAY, TRYING TO RESIST THE
TEMPTATION TO PUFF TOO EARLY IN
THE DAY.

OF COURSE, I SUCCUMB.
LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, I HAVE A
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER, AND ON

THE OTHER SHOULDER, I HAVE A
LARGER, MORE FRIGHTENING DEVIL.
AND THERE'S A BATTLE GOING ON IN

HERE.
I'M JUST SAYING I AM MANY
DIFFERENT THINGS, ANARCHIST,

MARKIST, NONDISCRIMINATORY
IMPATH, A DECONSTRUCTIONIST, A
TEXAN.

BUT BACK TO THE TREE IN CENTRAL
PARK AND THAT SCRIPT.
PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE, LAY

THE CURVE OF YOUR NECK AGAINST
THE ROOTS OF THE TREE.
WHAT KIND OF TREE WAS IT?

WHAT KIND DO THEY HAVE IN
CENTRAL PARK?
OH, YEAH, IT WAS A PALM TREE.

LAY YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE PALM,
FIRE UP THE HOOTER FROM JEREMY,
AND START READING.

SO THE MOVIE GOES LIKE THIS, THE
BIGGEST DRUG CARTELS IN THE
WORLD GET TOGETHER AND BUY UP

ALL THE MEDIA AND ALL THE
POLITICIANS AND FORCE ALL THE
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO STAY

LOCKED IN THEIR HOMES, AND
PEOPLE CAN ONLY COME OUT IF THEY
TAKE THE CARTEL'S DRUGS AND KEEP

TAKING THEM OVER AND OVER.
I THREW THE SCRIPT AWAY.
I MEAN, WHO WAS GOING TO BELIEVE

THAT CRAZY IDEA?
BEING FORCED TO DO DRUGS?
I DO THAT VOLUNTARILY ALL DAY

LONG.
ANYWAY, IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME.
STILL NO JACKET.

OKAY.
WELL, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR
YOU TONIGHT.

HERE, WE|LL BE BACK

ALL RIGHT, 6117, YOU GOT
FIVE MINUTES.
CARLA JEAN, GOD, IT'S SO GOOD

TO SEE YOUR FACE.
I MISS YOU TOO, WILLY.
LOOK, I KNOW I MADE A DAMN

MESS OF THING ON THE OUTSIDE,
BUT I SWEAR I'VE CHANGED.
I HOPE SO.

I'M TIRED OF COMING HERE, WILLY,
I REALLY AM.
I KNOW, HONEY.

LISTEN, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE,
I'M GOING TO DO YOU RIGHT.
YOU HEAR ME?

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE LIFE
YOU'VE ALWAYS DESERVED.
MARK MY WORDS, I'M GOING TO BE

OUT OF HERE SOON.
NO HE NOT.
WHAT WAS THAT?

YOU SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT.
THAT'S YOUR CONVERSATION.
LISTEN HERE, CARLA JEAN.

YOU REMEMBER THAT HOUSE ON
CHERRY LANE, THE ONE WITH THE
WHITE PICKET FENCE?

WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I'M
GOING TO BUY US THAT HOUSE.
WHEW, IN TODAY'S MARKET?

THAT IS FUNNY.
I'M SORRY.
IS THERE A PROBLEM?

SEEM TO ME LIKE YOU WANT ONE.
LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.
ALL Y'ALL GET ON MY DAMN NERVES.

THIS MAN SAY HE'S GOING TO BUY
HER A HOUSE.
BUY A HOUSE.

YOU KNOW, CARLA JEAN,
PRISON'S BEEN GOOD FOR ME.
HE LYING.

I'M READING A LOT.
SAY HE WANT TO BUY A HOUSE.
I'M EVEN GOING TO GET MY GED.

I CAN'T BUY A HOUSE, AND I'M
NOT IN JAIL.
I RENT A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT

WITH A ROOMMATE.
ALWAYS SEEING HAIR ON MY BAR OF
SOAP, AND NOT FROM HER HEAD

EITHER.
WANT TO BUY A HOUSE.
I HAD A HOUSE.

EX-BOYFRIEND CAUGHT IT ON FIRE.
WOULD YOU PLEASE?
I'M TRYING TO TALK TO MY WIFE.

THAT'S YOUR WIFE?
Y'ALL STILL MARRIED?
LISTEN, BABY.

YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN FOR ME, AND
NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU'RE IN
HERE, WHETHER IT'S A DAY OR A

THOUSAND YEARS, I WILL ALWAYS
WAIT FOR YOU.
NO, SHE NOT.

I'M SORRY.
CAN YOU NOT?
HEY, I'M NOT HERE.

I'M JUST WALLPAPER, OKAY?
BUT SHE SURE HAD SOME TALL
BROTHER DROP HER OFF.

HE OUT THERE WAITING IN THE CAR,
AC CRANKED ALL THE WAY UP,
PROBABLY WASTING ALL THE DAMN

GAS, LISTENING TO CLUB RANDOM,
BILL MAHER'S PODCAST.
LITTLE WILLY JR. GROWING UP

SO FAST.
HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU.
NO HE DON'T.

COME ON.
WALLPAPER.
LITTLE BOY GOT RED HAIR, THOUGH.

YOU AIN'T GOT RED HAIR, HE AIN'T
GOT RED HAIR.
TALL BROTHER IN THE CAR GOT SOME

RED HAIR, THOUGH.
SOMEBODY'S MATH AIN'T MATHING.
THAT BOY LOOK LIKE CHUCKY.

YOU KNOW CHUCKY FROM THE RUG
RATS.
NOT KNIFE CHUCKY.

COME TO THINK ABOUT IT, KNIFE
CHUCKY GOT RED HAIR TOO.
EVERY DAMN CHUCKY GOT RED HAIR.

NAME ME ONE THAT DON'T GOT RED
HAIR.
PROBABLY CHUCK E. CHEESE.

WHAT'S HE?
A RAT WITH A HAT?
UNDERNEATH THERE PROBABLY SOME

RED HAIR.
I'M TIRED OF HEARING YOU.
I'M NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

WHAT I AM IS WALLPAPER.
EL PAPEL OF THE WATER.
HOLD UP.

CARLA JEAN, LET ME SEE THE
PHONE.
YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME?

WHAT'S UP?
THIS FOOL OVER HERE TALKING
ABOUT HE GOING TO BUY HER A

HOUSE.
IT'S CALLED MANIFESTING.
WHY YOU EVES DROPPING?

THIS LADY OVER HERE TALKING
ABOUT SHE GOING TO WAIT FOR HIM
BECAUSE SHE THINK SHE GETTING

THAT HOUSE.
HOUSE?
HOW HE GOING TO BUY A HOUSE.

OUT THERE WITH THE DAMN
CHUCKY, GOT THE AC ALL JACKED
UP, LISTENING TO CLUB RAP, YOU

KNOW THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT CARS.
THEY GOT ME AS SOON AS I PAY
OFF SOME OF THAT --

YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO, GO
IN ON A TIMESHARE.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING.
OKAY.

I GUESS I'M JUST GOING TO GO.
YEAH, I'LL JUST HEAD BACK TO
THE JAIL.

GO ON AHEAD, MAN.
TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER CHUCKY
WITH RED HAIR.

FELLAS, WHAT ARE WE UP TO
TONIGHT?
YOU GUYS COMING OVER, PLAYING

TONY HAWK?
I'M BUSY TONIGHT.
I'M TIRED TONIGHT.

YOU'RE BUSY AND YOU'RE TIRED?
MAYBE TOMORROW.
OH, YEAH.

COOL.
NO SWEAT.
NEXT TIME.

HEY, MAN.
EVERYBODY OKAY WITH YOU AND YOUR
LITTLE FRIENDS?

I DON'T KNOW.
I'M KIND OF WORRIED THEY'RE
HANGING OUT WITHOUT ME.

DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD MAYBE
FOLLOW THEM, FIND OUT?
FOLLOW THEM?

YOU DON'T MEAN A --
YEAH.
A STAKEOUT.

WHAT ARE THEY DOING OUT HERE
IN THE SUBURBS?
WHO'S HOUSE IS THIS?

WOW, DUDE.
I'M GOING TO TEXT THEM.
WHO'S THAT?

BEN.
DID HE JUST THROW HIS PHONE
AWAY?

THAT'S A LOW BLOW, MAN.
WELL, TIME TO GO IN THERE AND
KILL THEM?

NO, MAN.
WHAT?
WE'LL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A

ROBBERY.
JESUS, DUDE.
THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE HERE.

I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT
WHY THEY BAILED ON ME.
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEM?

THEY LOOK REALLY COZY.
THIS IS REALLY NICE.
ARE THEY TOGETHER?

WHAT?
WOW.
ALL RIGHT.

SHOULD WE HEAD OUT?
WE'RE NOT DONE, MAN.
OH, MY GOD.

THEY'VE GOT A BABY TOO.
KIDS, DINO NUGGETS ARE READY.
THEY HAVE A FAMILY?

UH-OH, AND ONE MOODY TEEN.
DINO NUGGETS AGAIN?
OKAY, MISTER, I WORKED VERY

HARD.
HONEY, RADICAL ACCEPTANCE.
THIS IS INSANE.

IT'S 2015.
IT'S NOT INSANE TO BE GAY.
IT'S NOT 2015, MAN.

AND I'M NOT MAD THEY'RE GAY.
I'M MAD ABOUT THIS SECRET
BEAUTIFUL LIFE THEY NEVER TOLD

ME ABOUT.
MAYBE THEY'RE SCARED TO TELL
ANYONE.

KIDS, UNCLE KENAN IS HERE.
I'M GOING TO TEXT HIM BECAUSE
KENAN WOULDN'T LIE TO ME.

THEY CAN'T JUST KEEP THROWING
THEIR PHONES AWAY.
YOU NEVER SAW ANY SIGNS OF

THIS IN THE PAST?
NOT THAT I REMEMBER.
WE WOULD ALWAYS JUST HANG OUT

AND LAUGH TOGETHER.
MAYBE THEY WERE JUST AFRAID TO
TELL ME BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID

TO HURT ME.
THEY CAN'T RISK LOSING ME
BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME TOO MUCH.

ARE YOU SURE?
WHERE DID THEY EVEN GET THAT?
COME ON, KIDS.

TIME FOR BED.
WE GOT WORK TO DO.
WHAT WORK?

LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE DOING
AUDITIONS TO REPLACE YOU.
ALEC READING FOR BEN

MARSHALL.
I'M GOING IN THERE.
AND SATURDAYS, YOU'RE

AVAILABLE BECAUSE --
BEN --
IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.

THEN TELL ME WHAT IT IS.
JOHN AND I HAVE A SECRET
FAMILY, AND WE'RE HOLDING

AUDITIONS TO REPLACE YOU.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS.
THIS IS INSANE, MAN.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN.
WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WE SHOULDN'T BE HOLDING
AUDITIONS TO REPLACE HIM BECAUSE
THERE'S ONLY ONE YOU.

AND YOU ARE IRREPLACEABLE.
RIGHT, BEN?
THANKS, GUYS.

BAD BOYS FOR LIFE.
MAN, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE BACK AT
NYU.

OH, MY GOD, DUDE.
SO MUCH BETTER THAN BEN.
HE'S THE PERFECT REPLACEMENT.

OH, MAN, HERE WE ARE, Y'ALL.
COME ON.
Y'ALL WANT TO DO THE SLINGSHOT?

LOOK AT THIS THING, IT'S SO
HIGH.
MAN, THAT'S WAY UP THERE.

COME ON.
IT'S NOT THAT HIGH.
LET DO IT.

WHO'S COMING?
YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ON THAT
THING.

I GET TOO SCARED.
COME ON.
PLEASE?

SAM WILL GO WITH YOU.
COME ON, SAMMY.
YOU CAN'T PUNK OUT IN FRONT OF

YOUR GIRL.
YEAH, SAM.
HE NEEDS A PARTNER.

YOU'RE BRAVE, RIGHT?
I GUESS.
GENTLEMEN, READY TO FLY?

WE'RE CLEAR FOR TAKEOFF.
YOU THINK THIS THING'S SAFE,
RIGHT?

OF COURSE.
JUST SHOOTS YOU UP 400 FEET IN
THREE SECONDS.

NO PROBLEM, RIGHT?
SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.
YEAH.

JUST TEN Gs RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.
HOPE YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT.
DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL.

I'M A VETERAN.
I WAS IN THE AIR FORCE.
LOVE THAT.

I WANT TO GET OFF.
IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT,
SAMMY.

I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO GET
OFF.
HE CAN'T HEAR YOU, MAN.

JUST GET READY FOR THE
COUNTDOWN.
ALL RIGHT.

IT'S HAPPENING IN THREE, TWO --
AHH!
OH, MY GOD, JESUS!

THIS IS SO HIGH!
WHOO!
IT'S LIKE WE'RE BIRDS.

HEY, KEVIN, I THINK I CAN SEE MY
HOUSE!
KEVIN, YOU SEE IT?

I GOT IT -- HEY, HEY!
HEY, MAN, YOU PASS OUT?
KEVIN?

KEVIN?
?
OH, MY GOD, DID YOU SEE HOW FAST

THEY WEREN'T.
IT WAS SO INSANE.
HERE THEY COME.

HEY, YOU'RE ALIVE.
HOW WAS IT?
CRAZY.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT.
THEY SHOOT YOU UP SO HIGH.
THAT WAS PRETTY WILD.

SO WAS IT FUN?
OH, ACTUALLY, IT WAS.
I MEAN, THAT WAS A

ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
IT SURE WAS.
LET GO ON AND GET IN THE CAR

NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT, KEVIN, I'LL DO
IT.

OH, YOU WANT TO DO IT?
YOU'LL DO IT WITH ME, RIGHT,
BABY?

OF COURSE.
GO, GIRL.
I LOVE IT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE DOING
THIS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT NEITHER.

GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK.
LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A RETURN
CUSTOMER.

VERY BRAVE.
YEAH, YEAH.
HEY, MAN, CAN WE GO UP REAL SOFT

AND COME DOWN REAL GENTLE LIKE.
NO CAN DO.
THIS THING HAS ONLY ONE SPEED.

BABY, WE'RE GOING TO BE OKAY,
RIGHT?
I WANT TO SAY YES.

I GUESS WE JUST GOT TO WAIT FOR
THE COUNTDOWN.
ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.
IN THREE, TWO -- AHH!
AHH!

OH, KEVIN!
KEVIN, YOU OKAY, BABY?
OH, MY GOD, TALK TO ME!

I'M PASSING OUT -- I'M
PASSING OUT!
YOU WERE IN THE AIR FORCE.

OH, YES, YES.
I WAS ONLY PAINTING THE PLANES,
THOUGH.

KEVIN, JUST CALM DOWN.
BABY, I LOST MY JOB THREE
WEEKS AGO.

YOU LOST YOUR JOB?
OH, MY GOODNESS.
I'M 17 YEARS OLDER TOO BY THE

WAY.
I THOUGHT YOUR DADDY WAS GOING
TO TELL YOU.

WHAT?
KEVIN!
I'M PEEING.

I'M PEEING ON EVERYTHING, ALL
OVER THE PLACE, HONEY.
OH, GET ME OUT OF HERE!

YOU KNOW WHAT, I WANT TO DO
IT.
OH, GOOD.

KEVIN WILL GO WITH YOU.
NO, I'M DONE.
OH, THIS IS FUN.

WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO
ME?
OH, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS.

OH, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS.
I'M NOT READY!
AHH!

CREW, PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR,
SIR.
THANK YOU, MR. DOBBS, AT

EASE.
LITTLE FISH, THERE'S TROUBLE OUT
THERE IN THE WATERS, SO THEY

TURNED TO US.
BUT WE'RE NOT GOING OUT THERE
WITH OUR PANTS DOWN, NO, SIR.

UNCLE SAM GAVE US FIRST CLASS
TICKETS ON A $5 BILLION NUCLEAR
SUBMARINE, AND THIS HIGH-CLASS

KILLING MACHINE HAS BEEN
ENTRUSTED TO US FOR ONE PURPOSE.
TO DEFEND OUR COUNTRY, GOD'S

COUNTRY.
NOW THE PRESIDENT MAY CALL THE
SHOTS, BUT THIS HERE IS MY

SUBMARINE.
AND IT'S A PROUD BOAT, ISN'T IT,
MR. DOBBS?

VERY PROUD, SIR.
IT REPRESENTS THE BEST OF US.
THE ABSOLUTE BEST, SIR.

AND THIS SHIP BEARS A NOBLE
NAME, DOESN'T IT, MR. DOBBS?
VERY NOBLE, SIR.

AND WHAT IS THAT NAME,
MR. DOBBS?
MR. DINGLEBERRY'S

GOOCHBALLOON ASDFJKL SEMICOLON
6969, SIR.
SAY IT AGAIN.

MR. DINGLEBERRY'S
GOOCHBALLOON ASDFJKL SEMICOLON
6969, SIR.

AND WHY DOES IT HAVE THAT
NAME?
BECAUSE IT WAS DECIDED BY AN

ONLINE POLL, SIR.
AND WHY DID WE LET THAT BE
THE NAME?

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T TAKE THE
POLL SERIOUSLY UNTIL IT WAS TOO
LATE, SIR.

AND WHAT PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE
VOTED FOR THIS TO BE THE NAME?
AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY,

SIR.
AND WHY DID WE HAVE A POLL IN
THE FIRST PLACE?

TO GET MORE FOLLOWERS ON
INSTAGRAM, SIR.
AND DID THIS MISSION SUCCEED?

WE GOT MORE VIEWS ON OUR
STORIES, BUT OUR FOLLOWERS GREW
AT PRETTY MUCH THE NORMAL RATE,

SIR.
AND WHO IS MR. DINGLEBERRY?
EVERYONE ASSUMES IT WAS YOU,

SIR.
AND WHAT WAS THE RUNNER UP IN
THE POLL?

DOOKY CRUISER, SIR.
AND WAS THAT ANY BETTER?
IT WAS SHORTER BUT EQUALLY

BAD, SIR.
AND WHAT DOES MR.
DINGLEBERRY'S GOOCHBALLOON

ASDFJKL SEMICOLON 6969 MEAN?
IT'S JUST WHAT YOU GET IF YOU
ROLL YOUR FINGERS ACROSS THE

FINGER BOARD, SIR.
AND HOW DID WE ASK TO
PRONOUNCE IT?

BY SAYING AS-DA-FA-JACKAL.
AND WE DECIDED WHAT?
THAT IT WAS TOO COMPLICATED

AND WE SHOULD JUST SAY THE NAME,
SIR.
AND DID WE KNOW WHAT TO DO

WITH THE SEMICOLON?
WE DID NOT, SIR.
SO WHAT DID WE DECIDE TO DO?

TO JUST SAY SEMICOLON, SIR.
AND WHO WAS BEHIND THIS?
@GAY KEVIN FROM THE OFFICE.

AND WHO WAS@GAY KEVIN FROM
THE OFFICE?
JUST A RANDOM GUY FROM THE

OFFICE, SIR.
HELLO, MY DARLING, IS IT
URGENT?

IS AND WHY IS IT URGENT?
AND WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME?
AND ON WHICH DAYS WILL I SEE THE

KIDS?
OKAY, THEN.
NOW YOU KNOW WHO THINKS THEY

KNOW WHY MY WIFE IS LEAVING ME?
WE ALL DO, SIR.
AND WHY IS THAT?

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE
MRS. DINGLEBERRY, SIR.
AND WHO BLEW UP THE SUBMARINE

JUST NOW?
WE ALL DID, SIR.
AND WHY DID WE DO IT?

BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO DIE
ON SOMETHING CALLED THE GOOCH
BALLOON, SIR.

DAMN RIGHT.
CHIEF OF THE BOAT, DISMISS THE
CREW.

CREW.
AYAY.
MR. DINGLEBERRY CREW, FALL OUT

MEANS IT'S TIME TO START
SCREENING FOR CLONE CANCER, AND
THERE'S NO EASIER WAY TO DO IT

THERE'S NO EASIER WAY TO DO IT
THAN WITH COLOGUARD, THE SIMPLE
BOX DELIVERED TO YOUR DOORSTEP.

HI.
I'M COLOGUARD.
OH, YEAH, MY DOCTOR ORDERED

YOU.
THAT'S RIGHT.
BECAUSE I'M SAFE, EASY TO USE.

HOW'S IT WORK?
I JUST NEED TO COLLECT A
SAMPLE, SO OPEN ME UP AND GO

INSIDE ME.
INSIDE YOU?
YEAH, JUST GO INSIDE ME.

IT'S OKAY.
I LIKE IT.
ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK AT ME

LIKE THAT WHILE I DO IT?
SURE.
I'M JUST SMILING BECAUSE I LOVE

MY JOB, AND I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE
ABOUT TO DO TO ME.
WELL, I DON'T LOVE THAT YOU

HAVE A FACE AND A LITTLE MOUTH.
AND A NAME.
I'M THOMAS.

WHY DO I HATE KNOWING THAT?
COME ON, IT'S FUN FOR BOTH OF
US.

YOU GET THE SATISFACTION OF
KNOWING YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING
YOU CAN TO PROTECT YOUR COLON,

AND I GET ANOTHER KIND OF
SATISFACTION.
SO GO AHEAD, UNLOAD IN ME.

WHY IS THE U.P.S. GUY
WATCHING?
HE'S WAITING TO COLLECT THE

SAMPLE AFTER YOU'RE DONE.
GO AHEAD, UNLEASH.
I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE

DOING THIS IN FRONT OF YOU GUYS.
WOULD YOU FEEL MORE
COMFORTABLE UNLOADING ON A

LITTLE WOMAN LIKE ME?
WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A
REAL MAN?

GOD, NO.
I JUST WANT TO BE SCREENED FOR
COLON CANCER.

THEN GO AHEAD, DESTROY ME,
DADDY, BLOW MY BOX OPEN.
YEAH, I WANT TO SEE YOU BLOW

THAT BOX WIDE OPEN.
THIS IS SICK.
BUT NOT SICK FROM COLON

CANCER.
SO JUST GO INSIDE HER, THEN PASS
THE SUPER WARM BOX TO THE U.P.S.

GUY.
GET IT NICE AND WARM BEFORE
YOU HAND IT BACK TO ME.

I'LL EVEN CLOSE MY EYES WHILE
YOU DO IT.
I SEE YOU PEEKING.

HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE?
IT'S OKAY.
WE'RE JUST HERE TO WATCH.

WE'RE FRIENDLY LIKE MINIONS,
SO GO AHEAD AND UNLEASH.
STOP SAYING UNLEASH.

WOULD IT HELP IF YOU KNEW
THEIR NAMES?
THAT'S KYLIE, VICTOR, NEIL, AND

SHEVAT.
WE CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU
UNLEASH.

I'M ACTUALLY GOOD.
I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I
SCREENED FOR COLON CANCER LAST

YEAR, SO.
AND YOU WOULDN'T BE LYING TO
US, RIGHT?

OF COURSE NOT.
BECAUSE WE CAN ALSO DETECT
LIARS.

NOW DROP YOUR PANTS, BLOW OUT
HIS BOX, AND THIS WILL ALL BE
OVER.

JUST DO WHAT THE LITTLE BOXES
SAY TO DO.
I'LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT,

JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME.
MAN, IS WOODY OKAY?
I KNOW HE SMOKES A TON OF

WEED, BUT I'M REALLY STARTING TO
WORRY ABOUT HIM.
OH.

ALL RIGHT.
LET'S HEAD INSIDE AND GIVE HIM
SOME PRIVACY.

ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO STAY.
I'M GOING TO WATCH HIM UNLEASH.
COLOGUARD, GO AHEAD, WE LIKE

I'M GOING TO WATCH HIM UNLEASH.
COLOGUARD, GO AHEAD, WE LIKE
IT.

HE'S BEEN HERE FIVE TIMES TOO.
DOES HE GET A JACKET?
ANYWAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

JACK WHITE.
**
* I'LL BET YOU DO *

**
**
* WHEN YOU

TAKE OUT THE FIGURES
PULL ALL THE TRIGGERS *
* WELL YOU'RE

TAKING ME BACK
TAKING ME BACK *
* WHEN YOU LISTEN TO MYSTICS

LAY AT YOUR PICNICS
YOU'RE TAKING ME BACK
TAKING ME BACK *

* I'LL BET YOU DO
NOT FOR LONG
I'M ALONE

* WHEN YOU
DROP THE MAIL OFF TO ME
MAKE US BOTH COFFEE *

* ARE YOU TAKING IT BLACK
BREAKING MY BACK *
* WHEN YOU

DROP THE MAIL OFF TO ME
MAKE US BOTH COFFEE *
* ARE YOU TAKING IT BLACK

ARE YOU TAKING ME BACK *
**
* I'LL BET YOU DO

I'LL BET YOU DO
BUT NOT FOR LONG *
**

* I'LL BET YOU DO FEEL ALONE
BUT NOT FOR LONG *
**

**
* IT'S BREAKING MY BACK *
**

**
* WHOA *
**

**
**
* WHEN YOU TALK

ABOUT FRICTION
TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS *
* ARE YOU TAKING ME BACK

TAKING ME BACK *
* WHEN I RECALL THE HISTORY
THESE KIDS ARE A MYSTERY

THEY'RE TAKING ME BACK
THEY ARE TAKING ME BACK *
**

**
**
* I'LL BET YOU DO

I'LL BET YOU DO *
**
**

**
* WHEN THE MOON IS ABOVE YOU
DOES IT TELL YOU I LOVE YOU

BY SCREAMING *
* WHEN THE SUN
STARTS TO FALL

IT'S CRUSHING THE WALLS
AND THE CEILING *
**

* I CAN'T CONTROL
WHEN THE DARK
COVERS THE LIGHT FROM

THE SPARKS IN THE CITY *
* TO KEEP US ALIVE GONNA HIDE
ELECTRICITY *

**
**
**

**
**
**

**
**
**

**
**
[ APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I'M MICHAEL CHE?
I'M COLIN JOST.

THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN MADE
A HISTORIC VISIT TO UKRAINE AND
MED WITH UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT

VLADIMIR ZELENSKYY WHERE THEY
GREETED EACH OTHER LIKE TWO
ACTION FIGURES HAVING SEX.

WHILE BIDEN WAS IN UKRAINE,
REPUBLICANS CRITICIZED HIS
DELAYED RESPONSE TO THE OHIO

TRAIN DERAILMENT, BUT BIDEN SAID
HE WAS WAITING TO SHOOT THE
TRAIN DOWN UNTIL IT WAS OVER THE

OCEAN.
PRESIDENT BIDEN IS BEING
PRAISED FOR HIS SURPRISE VISIT

TO UKRAINE BY TAKING A TEN-HOUR
TRAIN RIDE FROM POLAND.
BIG DEAL, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE

TAKES A TRAIN RIDE THROUGH AN
ACTIVE WAR ZONE?
EVERY NEW YORKER.

CHINA IMPOSED A 12-PART PLAN FOR
PEACE IN UKRAINE.
THE PLAN IS THE 12 PARTS HAVE TO

BE ASSEMBLED BY CHILDREN.
OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S A GOOD
PLAN, I GUESS.

DONALD TRUMP VISITED EAST
PALESTINE, THE SITE OF THE
RECENT TRAIN DERAILMENT BECAUSE

TRUMP YOU USUALLY TRIES TO MAKE
HIMSELF LOOK BETTER BY STANDING
NEXT TO A TRAIN WRECK.

THE TRAIN THAT DERAILED WAS
CARRYING HIGHLY TOXIC VINYL
CHLORIDE WHICH I THINK IS

SOMETHING TRUMP RECOMMENDED AS A
CURE FOR COVID.
WHILE VISITING THE DISASTER

SITE, TRUMP ALSO GAVE OUT
BOTTLES OF TRUMP BRAND WATER.
SAID RESIDENTS, THANKS, BUT WE

WOULD RATHER DRINK THE TOXIC
TRAIN WATER.
PETE BUD JEENL VISITED THE

SITE, AND WAS CRITICIZED FOR
WEARING LEATHER BOOTS.
GIVE HIM A BREAK.

THAT'S ALL THEY HAD AT BABY GAP.
TUCKER CARLSON SEEN HERE AT A
WHITES ONLY RAVE HAS BEEN

GRANTED ACCESS TO OVER 40,000
HOURS OF SECURITY FOOTAGE FROM
THE JANUARY 6th RIOTS.

WATCHING ALL THAT WOULD MAKE YOU
GO INSANE, SAID DOCTORS ABOUT
TUCKER CARLSON'S SHOW.

GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND
COCAINE BEAR MARJORIE TAYLOR
GREEN TWEETED THE COUNTRY NEEDS

A DIVORCE.
WHICH MAKES SENSE.
FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS IS

RELEASED A NEW MEMOIR CALLED THE
COURAGE TO BE FREE, EVEN THOUGH
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BLACK HISTORY

BOOK HE'S BANNED.
IT WAS ANNOUNCED THE
PRODUCERS OF THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY

AWARDS HAVE PUT UP A CRISIS TEAM
TO DEAL WITH INCIDENTS SIMILAR
TO LAST YEAR'S WILL SMITH SLAP.

IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN.
IF ANYTHING, IT HELPS RATINGS.
THE PROMO SHOULD BE, WHO'S GOING

TO GET SLAPPED THIS YEAR?
WHICH BANSHEE WILL KNOCK THE
SHOES OFF?

SHOES OFF?
AND WHO HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO
WHALE ON BRENDAN FRASER.

JAMES ARE STRUGGLING.
HERE IS NBA ANALYST AND HALL OF
FAMER BILL WALTON.

AMAZING TO BE HERE, SATURDAY
NIGHT LIFE, THE PREMIER COMEDY
SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF

CIVILIZATION.
MICHAEL CHE, LORD OF THE LOWER
EAST SIDE, THROW IT DOWN, BIG

FELLA.
SURE, MAN.
SO YOU'RE AN NBA ANALYST.

YOU ALSO HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW ON
NBA TV.
AND YOU'RE ALSO A LITTLE WEIRD.

MICHAEL, I'M AN ATHLETE, I'M
AN ANALYST.
I AM A SPIRITUAL NOMAD.

I AM A CURIOUS NYMPH IN GOD'S
ASTONISHING GARDEN, AND I WAS
JUST BACKSTAGE IN WOODY

HARRELSON'S DRESSING ROOM.
THE SECOND HALF OF THE SHOW IS
GOING TO BE BANANAS.

SO TODAY THE LAKERS ARE 13th
IN THE WESTERN CONFERENCE.
DO YOU THINK THEY'LL MAKE THE

PLAYOFFS?
THE LAKERS HAVE A HISTORY
THAT WOULD MAKE AVADAGO'S

BEAKERS BOIL WITH CHEMISTRY.
LeBRON, ANTHONY DAVIS, AND THE
NEWBY DEANGLO RUSSELL, THEIR ON

THE COURT ARTISTRY MOVES ME TO
TEARS.
ANTHONY DAVIS FOR THREE, GREAT

SHOT.
ARE YOU CALLING A GAME RIGHT
NOW?

MY SPIRIT GUIDE SENDS ME
FLASHES OF WHAT IS, WHAT WAS,
AND WHAT SHALL BE.

SO I'M CALLING A GAME THAT TAKES
PLACE NEXT WEDNESDAY.
OH, D.LO WITH THE LAYUP, AND THE

LEAD IS CUT TO SIX.
SO YOU MUST KNOW THE FUTURE.
I'LL ASK AGAIN.

ARE THE LAKERS GOING TO MAKE THE
PLAYOFFS?
A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY

FAR, FAR AWAY, GOD HERSELF
BIRTHED THE TECH TONIC MARVEL WE
CALL LOS ANGELES, CHE.

OUT OF BOUNDS.
LAKERS BALL, THE REFS ARE GOING
TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ONE.

YES!
WHAT WE NOW CALL PARADISE
STARTED AS A MEGABONE YARD, BUT

ITS SPIRIT HAS CARRIED ON JUST
LIKE THE GRATEFUL DEAD CARRIED
ON WHEN THEY BROUGHT IN THE

NOODLER OF NATIONS, JOHN MAYIER,
A POET WHOSE ONLY COLLEAGUES ARE
THE PLANETS THEMSELVES.

BIG DUNK FROM LeBRON, THROW IT
DOWN!
GOD, I WISH YOU COULD SEE THIS,

MICHAEL.
WELL, I CAN'T.
SO TELL ME ARE THE LAKERS GOING

TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS?
YES OR NO?
YES THE LAKERS CAN MAKE THE

PLAYOFFS IF THEY CAN ANSWER ONE
SIMPLE QUESTION.
IS THERE AN AFTERLIFE, AND WHAT

SCIENTIFIC BASIS IS THERE FOR
THE PERSISTENCE OF THE SOUL
AFTER DEATH?

OH, FOUL ON DAVIS.
OH, FOR UNITY WITH THE STARS ARE
PLACED IN THE MASSIVE -- TO BE

CRADLED IN OUR CREATOR'S
MAGNIFICENT BOSSOM AND HAVE HER
WHISPER THE MAGICAL WORDS OF

JABA THE HUT.
BILL WALTON, EVERYBODY.
THE LAKERS ARE FOULED.

BILL WALTON, EVERYBODY.
THE LAKERS ARE FOULED.
THANK YOU.

SOME OF HIS INSENSITIVE LANGUAGE
LIKE THE WORDS FAT AND UGLY AS
WELL AS MODERNIZING HIS

PORTRAYAL OF WOMAN.
WHICH WILL MOST LIKELY AFFECT
THE BOOK, THE FAT UGLY WIFE WHO

KNEW HER PLACE.
IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT
BRITTNEY GRINER HAS SIGNED WITH

THE PHOENIX MERCURY FOR ONE
YEAR.
UNFORTUNATELY, THE WNBA PAYSLESS

THAN A RUSSIAN PRISON.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS
NEXT ONE.

A FOUR-FOOT LONG ALLIGATOR WAS
DISCOVERED IN BROOKLYN'S
PROSPECT PARK.

SO YOU CAN PROBABLY TAKE DOWN
ALL THOSE MISSING DOG POSTERS.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

YEAH.
THIS WEEK, BOTH HARVEY WEINSTEIN
AND R. KELLY WERE GIVEN

ADDITIONAL PRISON SENTENCES ON
TOP OF THE ONES THEY ARE ALREADY
SERVING, WHICH BRINGS US TO

MICHAEL CHE'S NEW SEGMENT.
WHAT DO THEY EVEN DO WRONG?
I MEAN, MAINLY THEY'RE GUILTY

OF LOVING TOO MUCH, RIGHT?
A PLAYER'S GOT TO PLAY.
AM I RIGHT, LADIES?

NO.
THIS HAS BEEN, WHAT DID THEY
EVEN DO WRONG.

YOU MAKE SOME GOOD POINTS,
MICHAEL.
A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT NEW

JERSEY HAS THE SECOND WORST
ROADS IN THE COUNTRY.
WHILE THE WORST ROADS ARE THE

ONES THAT GO INTO NEW JERSEY.
EXPERTS HAVE DEBUNKED CLAIMS
THAT AN UNWANTED PREGNANCY CAN

BE TERMINATED WITH HIGH DOSES OF
VITAMIN C.
THAT'S THE LAST TIME I ASK A

WOMAN TO STAY OVER FOR
BREAKFAST, COLIN.
THE NBA'S SLAM DUNK CONTEST WAS

WON BY MAC McCLUNG, A 6'2" WHITE
MAN WHO HAS ONLY APPEARED IN TWO
NBA GAMES, WHICH IS JUST A

TERRIBLE WAY TO END BLACK
HISTORY MONTH.
THE NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF

SKIERS IS PUSHING FOR GREATER
REPRESENTATION OF BLACK PEOPLE
IN WINTER SPORTS, WHICH ARE

PREDOMINANTLY WHITE.
HUH, SO IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE'S
A LITTLE JEALOUS WE TOOK THEIR

PRECIOUS DUNK CONTEST.
MONDAY IS NATIONAL POLAR BEAR
DAY.

PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS NATIONAL
POLAR BEARS DAY.
I DON'T KNOW.

I LOVE THIS AUDIENCE.
THIS IS GOING GREAT FOR ME.
A WOMAN -- A WOMAN AT AN ART

FAIR IN MIAMI ACCIDENTALLY
SHATTERED A JEFF CON SCULPTURE
WORTH MORE THAN $40,000.

I GUESS IT'S LIKE YOU ALWAYS
SAY, COLIN, COONS AIN'T SAFE IN
FLORIDA.

FLORIDA.
YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME
KILLED.

A NEW STUDY SHOWS THE COVID BABY
BUMP IS OVER AS FEWER AMERICANS
ARE CHOOSING TO HAVE KIDS.

HERE TO COMMENT ON JOYS OF
MOTHER HOOD IS GINA BIANCHI, A
WOMAN WITH FOUR DAUGHTERS AND

ONE SON.
HEY, SWEETHEART.
YOU BOYS LOOK SO NICE.

THANK YOU.
SO YOU'RE A MOM OF FIVE.
TELL US ABOUT MOTHERHOOD.

I LOVE IT.
SO I'VE GOT MY FOUR DAUGHTERS,
AND MY DAUGHTERS ARE FINE.

BUT MY SON, OH, MY GOD.
I LOVE MY SON.
SO HE CAME OVER LAST SUNDAY, HE

WAS HUNGOVER.
HE'S ALWAYS HUNGOVER.
HE'S IN MY FRIDGE, HE'S PULLING

OUT HAM, TURKEY, THE MAYONNAISE.
HE'S FILLING UP A COOLER, HE
LEAVES, DOESN'T SAY BYE.

I'M CRACKING UP.
MY DAUGHTERS SAY, THAT'S MA'S
FOOD.

YOU CAN'T TAKE MA'S FOOD.
I SAY, WHO CARES?
GIRLS, SHUT UP.

ANTHONY'S 38 YEARS OLD.
HE'S A GROWING BOY.
MY DAUGHTERS, SO ANNOYING.

BUT MY SON, OH, I LOVE MY SON.
GOT IT.
SO WHAT WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE

THAT'S ON THE FENCE ABOUT HAVING
KIDS?
THEY SURPRISE YOU EVERY DAY.

LIKE YESTERDAY, MY SON, HE CAME
OVER, WHAT WAS HE DOING?
OH, HE WAS GOING THROUGH MY

WALLET.
THE KID IS PULLING OUT 20, 40,
$60 BILLS.

HE WRITES HIMSELF A CHECK FOR 14
GRAND FROM MY CHECKBOOK.
WHAT'S HE WRITE IN THE MEMO?

PUTTING UP WITH MA.
I'M DYING OVER HERE.
MY DAUGHTERS SAY, THAT'S MA'S

MONEY.
YOU CAN'T TAKE MA'S MONEY.
I'M LIKE, GIRLS, PLEASE, YOU'RE

NOT PRETTY ENOUGH TO BE THIS
IRRITATING.
BUT MY SON, OH, MY GOD, I LOVE

MY SON.
YEAH.
NO.

WE'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOUR
SON.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR

DAUGHTER.
THEY'RE DOCTORS.
BUT MY SON DID THIS HILARIOUS

PRANK LAST NIGHT WHERE HE
PRETENDED TO ROB ME AT GUN
POINT.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.
MY DAUGHTERS SAY, YOU CAN'T
DO THAT.

MY DAUGHTERS, THEY BOUGHT ME A
HOUSE.
BUT MY SON, I MEAN, I WOULD IF I

COULD.
OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.

WELL --
I WOULD.
I --

GETTING BACK TO THE TOPIC OF
PARENTHOOD.
DO YOU THINK YOUR KIDS ARE GOING

TO HAVE KIDS SOME DAY.
OH, PLEASE.
THERE'S NOT A WOMAN OUT THERE

GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY SON.
SO ANTHONY'S SINGLE?
NO.

HE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS.
AND I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING,
OKAY, THAT SHE IS GIVING HIM

NOTHING IN BED.
LIKE SHE COMPLETELY IGNORES HIS
BALLS.

OKAY.
WHAT?
WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT

THAT?
OKAY.
AND I BET SHE'S OBSESSED WITH

HAVING AN ORGASM.
LIKE, NO, HONEY.
THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS.

WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU'RE DONE.
GINA BIANCHI, EVERYONE.
I LOVE ALL MY KIDS EQUALLY.

FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M
COLIN JOST.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.

COLIN JOST.
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
GOOD NIGHT.

THE STUDIO.
OH, NO.
GOD, WAS IT ABOUT THAT POTENTIAL

WRITER'S STRIKE.
NO.
WORSE.

THE GENIUSES AT THE STUDIO ARE
NO LONGER INTERESTED IN A
GUT-WRENCHING DRAMA ABOUT

OBESITY, SO THEY'RE SHUTTING THE
FILM DOWN.
THAT'S A WRAP ON THE HIPPO.

I KNOW HOW MUCH WORK YOU ALL DID
TO WORK ON YOUR ROLES.
I SHADOWED A THERAPIST FOR

TWO WEEKS TO GET INTO CHARACTER,
BLAKE.
AND JONAS GREW A BEARD, WHICH

I KNEW HE HATES.
I DO HATE IT.
AND FOR HIS ROLE, KEITH

GAINED 450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS.
TO BE CLEAR, THE MOVIE IS
OFFICIALLY DEAD AS IN WE'RE NOT

MAKING IT?
NO.
THE HIPPO WILL NEVER SEE THE

LIGHT OF DAY.
HUH, THAT IS -- THAT'S ROUGH
TO HEAR.

WAIT.
SO IF WE'RE NOT MAKING THE
MOVIE, THAT MEANS I DYED MY HAIR

BROWN FOR NOTHING?
HEY, HEY, IT'S FINE.
WE'RE ALL UPSET.

KEITH, YOU LOOK LIKE THIS IS
HITTING YOU PRETTY HOARD TOO,
BUDDY.

YEAH.
I GOT TO SAY, THIS IS REALLY
UNFORTUNATE FOR ME PERSONALLY.

YEAH, FOR ALL OF US.
WE ALL SACRIFICED FOR THIS FILM.
I SHADOWED THAT THERAPIST ON MY

OWN TIME.
I CAN'T GET THOSE TWO WEEKS
BACK.

AND I GAINED 450 POUNDS IN
SIX MONTHS.
THAT'S A LIFESTYLE CHANGE.

I HAVE SOMETHING CALLED
TRIABETES NOW.
IT'S THE ONE AFTER DIABETES.

AND I HAVE THIS GOD DAMN
BEARD.
SORRY.

IT'S ITCHY, AND GROWING IT WAS A
HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE.
I CAN RELATE BECAUSE GAINING

450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS ALSO
WAS NOT FUN.
I HAD TO EAT SOMETHING CALLED

GRISTLE LOAF.
DOES ANYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS?
IT'S A COMPRESSED BEEF FAT AND

CORN SIR UP.
I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL,
KEITH.

MY HAIR IS SO BRITTLE FROM THE
BROWN DYE.
WELL, THIS IS GRISTLE LOAF BY

THE WAY.
IT'S WHAT THEY FEED SICK
ELEPHANTS AT THE ZOO TO GET THEM

BACK TO THEIR NORMAL WEIGHT.
ATE NINE OF THESE A DAY BECAUSE
I THOUGHT I WOULD WIN THE OSCAR.

AND YOU WOULD HAVE.
DAMN IT.
I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.

THE STUDIO WAS FIGHTING ME FROM
DAY ONE.
SHAINA, DID YOU KNOW THEY WANTED

YOUR PART TO BE PLAYED BY A
WHITE WOMAN?
THE SAD THING IS I'M NOT

SURPRISED.
AND JONAS, THEY WANTED TO CUT
YOU OUT OF ACT THREE.

AND THEN THERE WOULD BE NO
RESOLUTION TO THE CUSTODY STORY
LINE?

THEY ARE SO AFRAID OF ORIGINAL
IDEAS.
AND GET THIS, INSTEAD OF

GAINING 450 POUNDS IN SIX
MONTHS, THEY WANTED KEITH TO
WEAR A FAT SUIT.

IS THAT -- WAS THAT AN
OPTION?
YEAH.

BUT I TOLD THEM, I SAID, KEITH
IS A METHOD ACTOR.
HE'S NOT GOING TO WEAR A FAT

SUIT.
I REALLY KIND OF WISH YOU HAD
BROUGHT ME INTO THAT

CONVERSATION.
OH, REALLY?
THAT'S MY BAD, MAN.

I'M SORRY.
GUYS, THIS WHOLE THING IS MY
BAD.

BUT LOOK, AT LEAST YOU GUYS ARE
FREE.
YOU OKAY?

AT LEAST YOU GUYS ARE FREE TO DO
OTHER PROJECTS, RIGHT?
LIKE KEITH, YOU HAD AN OFFER FOR

A MARVEL MOVIE, RIGHT?
I THINK THAT SHIP HAS SAILED.
I'M NOT EXACTLY IN X-MEN SHAPE

RIGHT NOW.
WELL, SOMETHING ELSE WILL
COME ALONG.

WELL, I DO THIS ON ALL MY FILMS,
GUYS.
ON OUR LAST DAY OF SET, WE ALL

SAY ONE THING THIS EXPERIENCE
GAVE US.
SO I'LL GO FIRST.

I HAVE 28 NEW FRIENDS.
I HAVE ONE HELL OF A STORY.
I HAVE A DEEPER RESPECT FOR

OUR CRAFT.
SAME.
ALL RIGHT.

YOUR TURN, KEITH.
I HAVE --
NOT SEEN MY PENIS IN FOUR

MONTHS.
KEITH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAKE THAT 29 NEW FRIENDS FOR ME.

I WASN'T INCLUDED IN YOUR
ORIGINAL FRIEND COUNT?
HEY, DID THE STUDIO SAY WHY

THEY SHUT THE MOVIE DOWN?
OH, YOU'LL LOVE THIS.
THEY SAID THE SCRIPT IS ALMOST

WORD FOR WORD THE SAME AS THAT
BRENDAN FRASER MOVIE, THE WHALE.
I SAW IT.

BRENDAN FRASER IS GOING TO WIN
AN OSCAR.
OH, GOOD FOR HIM.

JACK WHITE!
**
**

* ASK YOURSELF IF YOU ARE HAPPY,
AND THEN YOU CEASE TO BE *
* THAT'S A TIP FROM YOU AND ME *

* I DON'T ASK MYSELF FOR NOTHING
ANYMORE *
* MY PEACE IS FREEDOM FROM THE

MASSES *
* THE MASSES CANNOT SING *
* THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IN ME *

* AND I KNOW FOR SURE I DON'T
NEED NOBODY'S HELP NOW ANYMORE *
**

* WILL I BE ALONE TONIGHT, OH, I
DON'T KNOW *
* OH, LEAVE ME ALONE TONIGHT,

OH, I DON'T KNOW *
**
* EVERYWHERE HE GOES, SOMEONE

SEEMS TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT
THE THINGS HE USED TO DO *
* AND THAT'S HARD FOR YOU, IT'S

SO HARD TO BE THE ONE WHO KNOWS
IT'S TRUE *
* I'M WALKING THROUGH THE

PARKING LOT, FINGERS ARE
CLENCHING TIGHT, AND THEN I
NOTICE THAT I'M ALL ALONE

TONIGHT *
* BUT IT'S HARD TO TELL FOR SURE
IF I EVEN NEED TO THINK NOW

ANYMORE *
**
* OH, WILL I BE ALONE TONIGHT,

OH, I DON'T KNOW *
* OH, WILL LOVE LEAVE ME ALONE
TONIGHT, OH, I DON'T KNOW *

* OH, WILL LOVE LEAVE ME ALONE
TONIGHT, OH, I DON'T KNOW *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

AND NOW, TWO MEN SPEAK IN
HELLO.

MIND IF I USE MY KENNEL BELLS
NEXT TO YOU?
ONLY IF YOU'LL SPOT ME.

I ALREADY DID FROM ACROSS THE
ROOM.
I LIKE YOUR SUIT.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY
ONE HERE WHO WORE ONE.
WELL, I'M COMING FROM A

WEDDING.
WHOSE?
MY OWN.

HER NAME IS ASHLEY OR SOMETHING.
SHE SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL.
WELL, SHE LOOKS UGLY.

SHE HAS A FACE FOR A KN-95.
THAT'S WHY I COME HERE, TO
ESCAPE.

ME TOO.
AND THE MUSIC EXHILARATES ME SO.
CAN WE TURN IT UP, MORRIS?

OF COURSE, SIR.
THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT IS THAT YOU'RE PLAYING?

A BIG PIANO, SIR.
AH, I THOUGHT SO.
SO IS IT LEG DAY?

I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T CELEBRATE THAT IN MY
CULTURE.

OF COURSE.
WELL, IT'S CHEAT DAY FOR ME.
DOES THAT MEAN --

I'M ALLOWED TO COMMIT
ADULTERY, YES.
I SHOULD TELL YOU I'M ALSO

MARRIED.
YES, I THINK OUR WIVES KNOW
EACH OTHER FROM THAT LESBIAN

RELATIONSHIP THEY'RE IN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT?

I THINK IT'S DISGUSTING.
ONE PAIR OF BOOBIES IS BAD
ENOUGH.

SAY, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE
MACHINE?
I LIKE THE ONE THAT MAKES THE

TOAST.
I MEANT ONE AT THE GYM.
OH.

I GUESS IT'S A TIE BETWEEN THE
COBBLESTONE TREADMILL AND THE
STATIONARY VESPA.

HMM.
THIS GYM IS SO CLASSY IT SHOULD
BE CALLED JAMES.

NOW, EXCUSE ME.
I'M GOING TO USE THE ROWING
MACHINE.

BOAT RIMES WITH FLOAT,
COINCIDENCE?
I THINK NOTE.

WOW.
LOOK AT YOU GO, GIRL.
THANKS FOR NOTICING.

I'VE REALLY BEEN GOING BEAST
MODE LATELY IN THAT I KEEP A
BEAUTIFUL ROSE UNDER A BELL JAR.

OF COURSE.
OH, SHOOT.
I FORGOT MY PROTEIN POWDER.

I BROUGHT SOME.
AH.
MAY I BORROW?

OF COURSE.
HOW DO YOU TAKE IT?
HERE AND HERE.

GOOD.
THANK YOU.
ARE YOU GOING TO WIPE THE

MACHINE?
WIPE?
WHY?

DID IT DOO DOO?
DID IT DOO DOO, THAT SOUNDS LIKE
MORSE CODE.

WELL, I WAS IN THE ARMY.
BTS.
AND I WAS IN THE NAVY.

RIHANNA.
I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY USED THAT
MACHINE BEFORE, BUT I LIKE HOW

THERE'S A POSTER THAT SHOWS YOU
HOW TO DO THE EXERCISE.
AH, IT LOOKS LIKE TWO FELLOWS

EXPLORING EACH OTHER'S BODIES.
IT'S HELPFUL EITHER WAY.
YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE CAN BE SO

SENSUAL.
LOOK, MY GYM CRUSH IS OVER
THERE.

I SEE YOU.
WHAT A HUNK.
THIS GYM REALLY IS A PLACE FOR

EVERYONE.
ROID BOYS, YOGA GIRLS, GYM RATS.
LOOK.

THERE'S A GYM RAT OVER THERE.
WOW.
WHAT A GREAT DAY AT THE MOST

BEAUTIFUL GYM IN THE WORLD.
I'M BEGINNING TO THINK I'VE MADE
A NEW BEST FRIEND.

AS HAVE I, FRIEND.
NOW SHALL WE GET BACK TO OUR
WORKOUT?

GREAT IDEA.
THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD
OLD -- OH, NO!

I TORE MY ACL.
WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR?
MY ASS CRACK AND LEGS.

OH, NO.
I THINK WE'VE DONE ENOUGH FOR
TODAY.

WE'VE ALREADY WORKED THE MOST
IMPORTANT MUSCLE.
THE PECTORALS?

THE PECTORALS?
CLOSE.
THE HEART.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ON
BEHALF OF EVERYBODY HERE AT SNL,
I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT THIS

FIVE-TIMERS JACKET TO JACK
WHITE.
I GOT YOU, BABY.

THERE IT IS.
VERY NICE, VERY NICE.
WHOO!