1 00:00:02,078 --> 00:00:05,748 YOU'RE WATCHING C-SPAN. UP NEXT, FORMER PRESIDENT TRUMP 2 00:00:05,748 --> 00:00:10,186 ADDRESSES RESIDENTS OF EAST PALESTINE, OHIO FOLLOWING THIS MONTH'S TRAIN DERAILMENT. 3 00:00:10,186 --> 00:00:16,092 [ APPLAUSE ] HELLO, EVERYONE. HELLO. 4 00:00:16,092 --> 00:00:23,266 IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE TOWN OF EAST PALESTINE, NOT A GREAT NAME. 5 00:00:23,266 --> 00:00:29,138 BUT I HAD TO COME HERE AND SEE THESE WONDERFUL PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN ABANDONED BY BIDEN. 6 00:00:29,138 --> 00:00:39,982 HE'S ON SPRING BREAK IN UKRAINE WITH HIS FRIEND ZELENSKYY IN THE T-SHIRT, VERY DISRESPECTFUL. 7 00:00:39,982 --> 00:00:44,220 ZELENSKYY THINKS HE'S ROCKING THAT RINGADEE LIKE SCOTT PILGRIM. 8 00:00:44,220 --> 00:00:48,624 BUT I'M HERE, AND I BROUGHT HATS. CAMERAS AND HATS BECAUSE IT'S 9 00:00:48,624 --> 00:00:54,831 TERRIBLE WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE. EARLIER TODAY, A FARMER CAME UP TO ME, BIG FELLA, AND HE SAID, 10 00:00:54,831 --> 00:00:59,836 SIR, WE HAVE NOTHING TO EAT BECAUSE OUR DIRT IS POISON, AND I SAID, WELL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING 11 00:00:59,836 --> 00:01:07,477 EATING THE DIRT? DON'T EAT THE DIRT, FOLKS. YOU SHOULD BE EATING THE COLD 12 00:01:07,477 --> 00:01:13,383 McDONALD'S I BROUGHT YOU, AND TRUMP ICE. I'LL BE HONEST, I JUST PUT MY 13 00:01:13,383 --> 00:01:19,555 STICKER ON SOME DASANI. WE LIKE TO SAY DASANI. I'VE HEARD ALL ABOUT YOUR 14 00:01:19,555 --> 00:01:24,193 SITUATION WITH THE WATER, BUT I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR RIVER, AND IT'S SO SHINY. 15 00:01:24,193 --> 00:01:29,031 I'VE NEVER SEEN WATER SO BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL RAINBOWS AND 16 00:01:29,031 --> 00:01:32,201 DISCOLORATION. IT'S GREAT. IT'S WEARING MAKEUP. 17 00:01:32,201 --> 00:01:38,708 FENTY BEAUTY WATER. FENTY BY RIHANNA. BY THE WAY, SHE WAS PREGNANT 18 00:01:38,708 --> 00:01:42,945 DOING SUPER BOWL. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I SAID, OF COURSE SHE IS. 19 00:01:42,945 --> 00:01:48,551 SHE'S NOT MOVING AT ALL. SHE WAS JUST DOING ARMS THE WHOLE TIME. 20 00:01:48,551 --> 00:01:54,023 BUT YOUR TRAIN EXPLODED. AND WHO DO WE BLAME? WHO DO WE BLAME? 21 00:01:54,023 --> 00:02:01,097 WE BLAME BUTTIGIEG. PETE BUTTIGIEG. THIS WAS HIS RESPONSIBILITY. 22 00:02:01,097 --> 00:02:06,436 UNFORTUNATELY, HE WAS TOO BUSY BEING A NERD AND BEING GAY TO HAVE DEALT WITH THE VERY MUCH 23 00:02:06,436 --> 00:02:12,341 MORE IMPORTANT ISSUE OF SHOULD DRAINS HAVE BIG POISON. AND I HAVE TO TELL YOU, I CALL 24 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:16,879 HIM PETE BUTT. I CALL HIM PETE BUTT. THERE'S NO WAY AROUND IT. 25 00:02:16,879 --> 00:02:23,319 THAT'S JUST THE BEST ONE. BELIEVE ME, I'VE TRIED IT EVERY WHICH WAY, AND IT REALLY DOESN'T 26 00:02:23,319 --> 00:02:27,590 GET BETTER THAN PETE BUTT. BUT THIS WOULD HAVE NEVER HAPPENED UNDER MY 27 00:02:27,590 --> 00:02:31,360 ADMINISTRATION. PEOPLE ARE SAYING I MADE THE TRAINS LESS SAFE. 28 00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:32,929 NOT TRUE. OKAY? NOT TRUE. 29 00:02:32,929 --> 00:02:43,005 I DID A LOT FOR TRAINS. I MADE THEM BIGGER, FASTER, LESS SAFE PERHAPS, BUT I'M PAYING MY 30 00:02:43,005 --> 00:02:47,543 RESPECTS BECAUSE YOUR TRAIN EXPLODED AND NOW YOUR BIRDS AND FISH ARE ALL DEAD. 31 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:54,550 WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND NOT HEAR THE BEAUTIFUL CHIRPING OF BIRDS AND INSTEAD HEAR TRAINS 32 00:02:54,550 --> 00:02:58,454 EXPLODING AND DERAILING ALL OVER THE PLACE. YOUR TOWN IS HURTING. 33 00:02:58,454 --> 00:03:06,329 THAT'S WHY YOU NEED ME. I FEEL LIKE I COULD "SCHITT'S CREEK" THIS PLACE, RIGHT? 34 00:03:06,329 --> 00:03:16,706 BUT I NEED BIG EYEBROWS. YOU WATCH "SCHITT'S CREEK"? NO, YOU GUYS WATCH YELLOW STONE. 35 00:03:16,706 --> 00:03:22,612 THE DUTTONS. ANYWAY, I HAVE A SURPRISE GUEST THIS WEEK. 36 00:03:22,612 --> 00:03:32,622 IT'S THE FOREMAN OF THE GEORGIA GRAND JURY INVESTIGATING ME. IT'S EMILY KOHRS. 37 00:03:32,622 --> 00:03:40,496 THIS IS SO COOL. FIRST GIULIANI AND NOW YOU. SHE'S AN ODD DUCK, BUT WE 38 00:03:40,496 --> 00:03:46,936 LIKE HER. SHE'S EITHER 70 OR 40, BUT WE CAN'T TELL. 39 00:03:46,936 --> 00:03:51,240 SHE'S GOT A BIG SECRET FOR SUCH A LITTLE LADY. POTENTIALLY. 40 00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:54,711 I MIGHT. I DON'T KNOW. WOW. 41 00:03:54,711 --> 00:04:00,383 WE DON'T LIKE THAT. WE DON'T LIKE THAT SOUND. BECAUSE SHE KNOWS IF I'M GETTING 42 00:04:00,383 --> 00:04:06,989 INDICTED. SHE'S HEAD JUROR, CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? 43 00:04:06,989 --> 00:04:10,660 THEY ELECTED HER. THEY'LL ELECT ANYONE. I STARTED THAT. 44 00:04:10,660 --> 00:04:14,831 SO COME ON, SPILL THE TEA. COME ON. NOPE. 45 00:04:14,831 --> 00:04:22,205 YOU JUST WANT ME TO RUIN THE CASE. BUT I GUESS I CAN SAY WE HAVE 46 00:04:22,205 --> 00:04:28,344 BEEN SAYING YOUR NAME A LOT. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? THEY ALMOST HAD ME, AND THEN 47 00:04:28,344 --> 00:04:33,282 THIS LITTLE HORSE GIRL COMES IN AND SAVES THE DAY. THANK YOU, EMILY. 48 00:04:33,282 --> 00:04:41,858 FAIR THEE WELL. DO WE LIKE HER? SHE LOOKS LIKE HALEY JOEL 49 00:04:41,858 --> 00:04:45,194 OSMENT, AND SHE'S MY BEST FRIEND. WELL, I'M GOING TO GET OUT OF 50 00:04:45,194 --> 00:04:49,532 HERE SOON BECAUSE THE AIR IS FULL OF POISON. BUT EVERYBODY IN OHIO ALWAYS 51 00:04:49,532 --> 00:04:55,304 ASKS ME, WHAT DO I DO NOW? THERE'S POISON GAS IN THE AIR. COULD BE A GOOD THING. 52 00:04:55,304 --> 00:05:01,077 I KNOW SOME OF THE HUSBANDS ARE HAPPY TO HAVE THE STINKY GAS AS AN EXCUSE. 53 00:05:01,077 --> 00:05:07,450 HONEY, DID YOU PASS GAS? NO, IT WAS THE TRAIN. BLAME THE TRAIN, RIGHT? 54 00:05:07,450 --> 00:05:11,621 YOU WOULD NORMALLY BLAME THE DOG, BUT THEY'RE ALL DEAD NOW, AREN'T THEY? 55 00:05:11,621 --> 00:05:17,460 SO IN CONCLUSION, "SCHITT'S CREEK," RIHANNA, PETE BUTT, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S 56 00:05:17,460 --> 00:05:20,930 CREEK," RIHANNA, PETE BUTT, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! 57 00:05:32,208 --> 00:06:33,703 Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- 58 00:06:33,703 --> 00:06:34,904 Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" WITH -- FEATURING -- 59 00:07:21,217 --> 00:07:24,153 MUSICAL GUEST, JACK WHITE. AND YOUR HOST, WOODY HARRELSON. 60 00:07:24,153 --> 00:07:46,109 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WOODY HARRELSON! [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 61 00:07:46,109 --> 00:07:55,818 THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH. HELLO, YOU BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE. 62 00:07:55,818 --> 00:08:00,323 AND YOU UGLY PEOPLE TOO. NO. I JEST. 63 00:08:00,323 --> 00:08:08,364 THIS COUNTRY SEEMS SO DIVIDED, BEAUTIFUL, UGLY, BLACK, WHITE, BLUE, RED, I LOVE EVERYBODY. 64 00:08:08,364 --> 00:08:13,636 MAYBE BECAUSE I'M A RED NECK HIPPY. YOU KNOW, THE RED IN ME THINKS 65 00:08:13,636 --> 00:08:21,310 YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO OWN GUNS. THE BLUE IN ME THINKS, SQUIRT 66 00:08:21,310 --> 00:08:23,880 GUNS. SO I'M RED AND BLUE, WHICH MAKES PURPLE. 67 00:08:23,880 --> 00:08:36,692 I'M PURPLE. SO THIS IS MY FIFTH TIME DOING SNL. 68 00:08:36,692 --> 00:08:43,766 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] WELL, AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. 69 00:08:43,766 --> 00:08:50,640 NO JACKET. OKAY. THE LAST TIME I DID SNL WAS 70 00:08:50,640 --> 00:08:56,145 AROUND THANKSGIVING 2019, THREE YEARS AGO. AND YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE WHAT 71 00:08:56,145 --> 00:09:02,118 HAPPENED AFTER THE SHOW. THE NEXT DAY -- IT WAS A SUNDAY, AS IT ALWAYS IS THE DAY AFTER I 72 00:09:02,118 --> 00:09:10,426 DO "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." IT'S LIKE A PATTERN I NOTICED. ANYWAY, I WENT WALKING IN THE 73 00:09:10,426 --> 00:09:16,799 GREATEST PART OF THIS CITY, CENTRAL PARK, LEANED AGAINST A TREE, AND STARTED TO READ THE 74 00:09:16,799 --> 00:09:21,070 CRAZIEST SCRIPT. OKAY. FULL DISCLOSURE, I SMOKED A 75 00:09:21,070 --> 00:09:25,675 JOINT FIRST. THE REASON I LIKE HERB MORE THAN ALCOHOL IS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME 76 00:09:25,675 --> 00:09:34,117 FEEL GOOD, NO HANGOVER, AND I NEVER WAKE UP COVERED IN BLOOD. BUT REGARDLESS, I HAVE DECIDED 77 00:09:34,117 --> 00:09:42,258 TO QUIT SMOKING POT ALTOGETHER, AND I'M STICKING WITH IT -- UNTIL AFTER THE SHOW. 78 00:09:42,258 --> 00:09:46,729 YEAH. LAST WEEK IN AUSTIN, I WAS TALKING WITH MY FRIEND NICK. 79 00:09:46,729 --> 00:09:54,570 WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON. HE WROTE "TRUE DETECTIVE" AND I WAS IN "TRUE DETECTIVE." 80 00:09:54,570 --> 00:10:00,476 I'M VEGAN, AND ALL THE ANIMALS HE EATS ARE VEGAN. ANYWAY, I WAS COMPLAINING ABOUT 81 00:10:00,476 --> 00:10:06,182 HOW I START SMOKING AROUND NOON AND GET PROGRESSIVELY DUMBER AS THE DAY UNFOLDS. 82 00:10:06,182 --> 00:10:15,691 FORGET BASIC WORDS, SIMPLE OBJECTS E-T-CETERA. I WAS HOPING THE WIFE MIGHT SAY, 83 00:10:15,691 --> 00:10:20,129 OH, NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE. INSTEAD SHE SAYS, AT LEAST YOU'RE AWARE OF IT. 84 00:10:20,129 --> 00:10:27,103 AND I SAY, WELL THAT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE MUCH CONSOLATION. AND SHE SAYS, THINK OF ALL THE 85 00:10:27,103 --> 00:10:31,774 DUMB PEOPLE WHO DON'T KNOW THEY'RE DUMB. YOU'RE AHEAD OF THEM. 86 00:10:31,774 --> 00:10:38,748 THANKS, HON. BUT ON TOP OF THE HERB, I'M A WEE BIT OF A DRINKER. 87 00:10:38,748 --> 00:10:41,350 I DON'T KNOW WHY I WENT IRISH THERE. ALL RIGHT. 88 00:10:41,350 --> 00:10:53,262 ANYWAY, BUT IN A PERSONAL TRIUMPH, LAST YEAR, I HAD SEVEN MONTHS WITH NO ALCOHOL, AND FIVE 89 00:10:53,262 --> 00:10:58,901 GLORIOUS MONTHS. ANYWAY, WHAT WERE WE TALKING ABOUT? 90 00:10:58,901 --> 00:11:02,972 OH, YEAH. I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT THAT SCRIPT. 91 00:11:02,972 --> 00:11:11,280 SO I BLAZE A FATTY, WHICH, YOU KNOW, I GOT IN LA AT MY DISPENSARY, THE WOODS. 92 00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:16,753 I MEAN, OBVIOUSLY, I DIDN'T TRANSPORT THE HERB FROM CALIFORNIA TO NEW YORK BECAUSE 93 00:11:16,753 --> 00:11:24,026 THAT'S HIGHLY ILLEGAL. MY MANAGER, JEREMY, DID. YEAH. 94 00:11:24,026 --> 00:11:28,998 HE MULED IT FROM LA. YEAH. SPEAKING OF JEREMY, HE'S HERE 95 00:11:28,998 --> 00:11:41,778 TONIGHT. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] YEAH. 96 00:11:41,778 --> 00:11:49,952 NEWLY SINGLE, LADIES. VERY HANDSOME. I KNOW HE WOULD PREFER I TALK 97 00:11:49,952 --> 00:12:01,264 ABOUT OUR MOVIE "CHAMPIONS" THAT'S COMING OUT IN TWO WEEKS. COMEDIC MASTERPIECE, BUT I'M NOT 98 00:12:01,264 --> 00:12:06,235 HERE TO SELL "CHAMPIONS." IT SELLS ITSELF. PROJECTIONS HAVE IT MAKING MORE 99 00:12:06,235 --> 00:12:10,006 THAN "AVATAR", BUT WHATEVER, I'M NO SALESMAN. WHERE WAS I? 100 00:12:10,006 --> 00:12:15,011 OKAY. SO THREE YEARS AGO, CENTRAL PARK, SUNDAY MORNING, THE LORD'S 101 00:12:15,011 --> 00:12:21,017 DAY, TRYING TO RESIST THE TEMPTATION TO PUFF TOO EARLY IN THE DAY. 102 00:12:21,017 --> 00:12:29,826 OF COURSE, I SUCCUMB. LIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE, I HAVE A DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER, AND ON 103 00:12:29,826 --> 00:12:36,999 THE OTHER SHOULDER, I HAVE A LARGER, MORE FRIGHTENING DEVIL. AND THERE'S A BATTLE GOING ON IN 104 00:12:36,999 --> 00:12:44,140 HERE. I'M JUST SAYING I AM MANY DIFFERENT THINGS, ANARCHIST, 105 00:12:44,140 --> 00:12:55,518 MARKIST, NONDISCRIMINATORY IMPATH, A DECONSTRUCTIONIST, A TEXAN. 106 00:12:55,518 --> 00:13:01,290 BUT BACK TO THE TREE IN CENTRAL PARK AND THAT SCRIPT. PUT YOURSELF IN MY PLACE, LAY 107 00:13:01,290 --> 00:13:10,099 THE CURVE OF YOUR NECK AGAINST THE ROOTS OF THE TREE. WHAT KIND OF TREE WAS IT? 108 00:13:10,099 --> 00:13:15,671 WHAT KIND DO THEY HAVE IN CENTRAL PARK? OH, YEAH, IT WAS A PALM TREE. 109 00:13:15,671 --> 00:13:21,177 LAY YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE PALM, FIRE UP THE HOOTER FROM JEREMY, AND START READING. 110 00:13:21,177 --> 00:13:27,116 SO THE MOVIE GOES LIKE THIS, THE BIGGEST DRUG CARTELS IN THE WORLD GET TOGETHER AND BUY UP 111 00:13:27,116 --> 00:13:31,788 ALL THE MEDIA AND ALL THE POLITICIANS AND FORCE ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD TO STAY 112 00:13:31,788 --> 00:13:37,994 LOCKED IN THEIR HOMES, AND PEOPLE CAN ONLY COME OUT IF THEY TAKE THE CARTEL'S DRUGS AND KEEP 113 00:13:37,994 --> 00:13:43,266 TAKING THEM OVER AND OVER. I THREW THE SCRIPT AWAY. I MEAN, WHO WAS GOING TO BELIEVE 114 00:13:43,266 --> 00:13:50,506 THAT CRAZY IDEA? BEING FORCED TO DO DRUGS? I DO THAT VOLUNTARILY ALL DAY 115 00:13:50,506 --> 00:13:59,482 LONG. ANYWAY, IT'S ABOUT THAT TIME. STILL NO JACKET. 116 00:13:59,482 --> 00:14:03,086 OKAY. WELL, WE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. 117 00:14:03,119 --> 00:14:05,722 HERE, WE|LL BE BACK 118 00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:29,278 ALL RIGHT, 6117, YOU GOT FIVE MINUTES. CARLA JEAN, GOD, IT'S SO GOOD 119 00:14:29,278 --> 00:14:35,952 TO SEE YOUR FACE. I MISS YOU TOO, WILLY. LOOK, I KNOW I MADE A DAMN 120 00:14:35,952 --> 00:14:40,990 MESS OF THING ON THE OUTSIDE, BUT I SWEAR I'VE CHANGED. I HOPE SO. 121 00:14:40,990 --> 00:14:46,596 I'M TIRED OF COMING HERE, WILLY, I REALLY AM. I KNOW, HONEY. 122 00:14:46,596 --> 00:14:50,366 LISTEN, WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GOING TO DO YOU RIGHT. YOU HEAR ME? 123 00:14:50,366 --> 00:14:56,038 I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU THE LIFE YOU'VE ALWAYS DESERVED. MARK MY WORDS, I'M GOING TO BE 124 00:14:56,038 --> 00:15:00,543 OUT OF HERE SOON. NO HE NOT. WHAT WAS THAT? 125 00:15:00,543 --> 00:15:06,082 YOU SAY WHATEVER YOU WANT. THAT'S YOUR CONVERSATION. LISTEN HERE, CARLA JEAN. 126 00:15:06,082 --> 00:15:09,552 YOU REMEMBER THAT HOUSE ON CHERRY LANE, THE ONE WITH THE WHITE PICKET FENCE? 127 00:15:09,552 --> 00:15:16,092 WHEN I GET OUT OF HERE, I'M GOING TO BUY US THAT HOUSE. WHEW, IN TODAY'S MARKET? 128 00:15:16,092 --> 00:15:20,096 THAT IS FUNNY. I'M SORRY. IS THERE A PROBLEM? 129 00:15:20,096 --> 00:15:26,602 SEEM TO ME LIKE YOU WANT ONE. LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS. ALL Y'ALL GET ON MY DAMN NERVES. 130 00:15:26,602 --> 00:15:32,208 THIS MAN SAY HE'S GOING TO BUY HER A HOUSE. BUY A HOUSE. 131 00:15:32,208 --> 00:15:37,847 YOU KNOW, CARLA JEAN, PRISON'S BEEN GOOD FOR ME. HE LYING. 132 00:15:37,847 --> 00:15:46,589 I'M READING A LOT. SAY HE WANT TO BUY A HOUSE. I'M EVEN GOING TO GET MY GED. 133 00:15:46,589 --> 00:15:52,762 I CAN'T BUY A HOUSE, AND I'M NOT IN JAIL. I RENT A ONE-BEDROOM APARTMENT 134 00:15:52,762 --> 00:15:58,468 WITH A ROOMMATE. ALWAYS SEEING HAIR ON MY BAR OF SOAP, AND NOT FROM HER HEAD 135 00:15:58,468 --> 00:16:01,304 EITHER. WANT TO BUY A HOUSE. I HAD A HOUSE. 136 00:16:01,304 --> 00:16:06,809 EX-BOYFRIEND CAUGHT IT ON FIRE. WOULD YOU PLEASE? I'M TRYING TO TALK TO MY WIFE. 137 00:16:06,809 --> 00:16:11,547 THAT'S YOUR WIFE? Y'ALL STILL MARRIED? LISTEN, BABY. 138 00:16:11,547 --> 00:16:17,920 YOU'RE THE ONLY MAN FOR ME, AND NO MATTER HOW LONG YOU'RE IN HERE, WHETHER IT'S A DAY OR A 139 00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:20,423 THOUSAND YEARS, I WILL ALWAYS WAIT FOR YOU. NO, SHE NOT. 140 00:16:20,423 --> 00:16:24,794 I'M SORRY. CAN YOU NOT? HEY, I'M NOT HERE. 141 00:16:24,794 --> 00:16:31,167 I'M JUST WALLPAPER, OKAY? BUT SHE SURE HAD SOME TALL BROTHER DROP HER OFF. 142 00:16:31,167 --> 00:16:37,440 HE OUT THERE WAITING IN THE CAR, AC CRANKED ALL THE WAY UP, PROBABLY WASTING ALL THE DAMN 143 00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:50,653 GAS, LISTENING TO CLUB RANDOM, BILL MAHER'S PODCAST. LITTLE WILLY JR. GROWING UP 144 00:16:50,653 --> 00:16:55,658 SO FAST. HE LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU. NO HE DON'T. 145 00:16:55,658 --> 00:16:59,796 COME ON. WALLPAPER. LITTLE BOY GOT RED HAIR, THOUGH. 146 00:16:59,796 --> 00:17:05,701 YOU AIN'T GOT RED HAIR, HE AIN'T GOT RED HAIR. TALL BROTHER IN THE CAR GOT SOME 147 00:17:05,701 --> 00:17:11,340 RED HAIR, THOUGH. SOMEBODY'S MATH AIN'T MATHING. THAT BOY LOOK LIKE CHUCKY. 148 00:17:11,340 --> 00:17:15,278 YOU KNOW CHUCKY FROM THE RUG RATS. NOT KNIFE CHUCKY. 149 00:17:15,278 --> 00:17:22,218 COME TO THINK ABOUT IT, KNIFE CHUCKY GOT RED HAIR TOO. EVERY DAMN CHUCKY GOT RED HAIR. 150 00:17:22,218 --> 00:17:27,390 NAME ME ONE THAT DON'T GOT RED HAIR. PROBABLY CHUCK E. CHEESE. 151 00:17:27,390 --> 00:17:35,832 WHAT'S HE? A RAT WITH A HAT? UNDERNEATH THERE PROBABLY SOME 152 00:17:35,832 --> 00:17:39,602 RED HAIR. I'M TIRED OF HEARING YOU. I'M NOT YOUR PROBLEM. 153 00:17:39,602 --> 00:17:46,309 WHAT I AM IS WALLPAPER. EL PAPEL OF THE WATER. HOLD UP. 154 00:17:46,309 --> 00:17:49,712 CARLA JEAN, LET ME SEE THE PHONE. YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME? 155 00:17:49,712 --> 00:17:54,117 WHAT'S UP? THIS FOOL OVER HERE TALKING ABOUT HE GOING TO BUY HER A 156 00:17:54,117 --> 00:17:58,287 HOUSE. IT'S CALLED MANIFESTING. WHY YOU EVES DROPPING? 157 00:17:58,287 --> 00:18:04,060 THIS LADY OVER HERE TALKING ABOUT SHE GOING TO WAIT FOR HIM BECAUSE SHE THINK SHE GETTING 158 00:18:04,060 --> 00:18:08,064 THAT HOUSE. HOUSE? HOW HE GOING TO BUY A HOUSE. 159 00:18:08,064 --> 00:18:16,272 OUT THERE WITH THE DAMN CHUCKY, GOT THE AC ALL JACKED UP, LISTENING TO CLUB RAP, YOU 160 00:18:16,272 --> 00:18:22,512 KNOW THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT CARS. THEY GOT ME AS SOON AS I PAY OFF SOME OF THAT -- 161 00:18:22,512 --> 00:18:29,519 YOU KNOW WHAT I SHOULD DO, GO IN ON A TIMESHARE. THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING 162 00:18:29,519 --> 00:18:31,521 ABOUT. THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING. OKAY. 163 00:18:31,521 --> 00:18:36,192 I GUESS I'M JUST GOING TO GO. YEAH, I'LL JUST HEAD BACK TO THE JAIL. 164 00:18:36,192 --> 00:18:42,865 GO ON AHEAD, MAN. TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER CHUCKY WITH RED HAIR. 165 00:18:50,807 --> 00:18:56,212 FELLAS, WHAT ARE WE UP TO TONIGHT? YOU GUYS COMING OVER, PLAYING 166 00:18:56,212 --> 00:18:59,449 TONY HAWK? I'M BUSY TONIGHT. I'M TIRED TONIGHT. 167 00:18:59,449 --> 00:19:03,052 YOU'RE BUSY AND YOU'RE TIRED? MAYBE TOMORROW. OH, YEAH. 168 00:19:03,052 --> 00:19:06,789 COOL. NO SWEAT. NEXT TIME. 169 00:19:06,789 --> 00:19:11,060 HEY, MAN. EVERYBODY OKAY WITH YOU AND YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS? 170 00:19:11,060 --> 00:19:15,064 I DON'T KNOW. I'M KIND OF WORRIED THEY'RE HANGING OUT WITHOUT ME. 171 00:19:15,064 --> 00:19:18,835 DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD MAYBE FOLLOW THEM, FIND OUT? FOLLOW THEM? 172 00:19:18,835 --> 00:19:23,206 YOU DON'T MEAN A -- YEAH. A STAKEOUT. 173 00:19:29,746 --> 00:19:37,353 WHAT ARE THEY DOING OUT HERE IN THE SUBURBS? WHO'S HOUSE IS THIS? 174 00:19:37,353 --> 00:19:40,723 WOW, DUDE. I'M GOING TO TEXT THEM. WHO'S THAT? 175 00:19:40,723 --> 00:19:45,328 BEN. DID HE JUST THROW HIS PHONE AWAY? 176 00:19:45,328 --> 00:19:51,634 THAT'S A LOW BLOW, MAN. WELL, TIME TO GO IN THERE AND KILL THEM? 177 00:19:51,634 --> 00:19:55,671 NO, MAN. WHAT? WE'LL MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A 178 00:19:55,671 --> 00:19:58,574 ROBBERY. JESUS, DUDE. THAT'S NOT WHY WE'RE HERE. 179 00:19:58,574 --> 00:20:04,747 I'M JUST TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THEY BAILED ON ME. WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEM? 180 00:20:04,747 --> 00:20:16,726 THEY LOOK REALLY COZY. THIS IS REALLY NICE. ARE THEY TOGETHER? 181 00:20:16,726 --> 00:20:19,462 WHAT? WOW. ALL RIGHT. 182 00:20:19,462 --> 00:20:24,400 SHOULD WE HEAD OUT? WE'RE NOT DONE, MAN. OH, MY GOD. 183 00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:32,675 THEY'VE GOT A BABY TOO. KIDS, DINO NUGGETS ARE READY. THEY HAVE A FAMILY? 184 00:20:32,675 --> 00:20:40,016 UH-OH, AND ONE MOODY TEEN. DINO NUGGETS AGAIN? OKAY, MISTER, I WORKED VERY 185 00:20:40,016 --> 00:20:43,486 HARD. HONEY, RADICAL ACCEPTANCE. THIS IS INSANE. 186 00:20:43,486 --> 00:20:48,991 IT'S 2015. IT'S NOT INSANE TO BE GAY. IT'S NOT 2015, MAN. 187 00:20:48,991 --> 00:20:55,498 AND I'M NOT MAD THEY'RE GAY. I'M MAD ABOUT THIS SECRET BEAUTIFUL LIFE THEY NEVER TOLD 188 00:20:55,498 --> 00:20:58,234 ME ABOUT. MAYBE THEY'RE SCARED TO TELL ANYONE. 189 00:20:58,234 --> 00:21:07,110 KIDS, UNCLE KENAN IS HERE. I'M GOING TO TEXT HIM BECAUSE KENAN WOULDN'T LIE TO ME. 190 00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:15,151 THEY CAN'T JUST KEEP THROWING THEIR PHONES AWAY. YOU NEVER SAW ANY SIGNS OF 191 00:21:15,151 --> 00:21:21,124 THIS IN THE PAST? NOT THAT I REMEMBER. WE WOULD ALWAYS JUST HANG OUT 192 00:21:21,124 --> 00:21:25,361 AND LAUGH TOGETHER. MAYBE THEY WERE JUST AFRAID TO TELL ME BECAUSE THEY'RE AFRAID 193 00:21:25,361 --> 00:21:29,132 TO HURT ME. THEY CAN'T RISK LOSING ME BECAUSE THEY LOVE ME TOO MUCH. 194 00:21:29,132 --> 00:21:35,972 ARE YOU SURE? WHERE DID THEY EVEN GET THAT? COME ON, KIDS. 195 00:21:35,972 --> 00:21:40,476 TIME FOR BED. WE GOT WORK TO DO. WHAT WORK? 196 00:21:40,476 --> 00:21:47,216 LOOKS LIKE THEY'RE DOING AUDITIONS TO REPLACE YOU. ALEC READING FOR BEN 197 00:21:47,216 --> 00:21:50,887 MARSHALL. I'M GOING IN THERE. AND SATURDAYS, YOU'RE 198 00:21:50,887 --> 00:21:54,357 AVAILABLE BECAUSE -- BEN -- IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE. 199 00:21:54,357 --> 00:21:58,895 THEN TELL ME WHAT IT IS. JOHN AND I HAVE A SECRET FAMILY, AND WE'RE HOLDING 200 00:21:58,895 --> 00:22:03,199 AUDITIONS TO REPLACE YOU. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS. THIS IS INSANE, MAN. 201 00:22:03,199 --> 00:22:09,705 WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS? YOU'RE RIGHT, MAN. WHAT ARE WE DOING? 202 00:22:09,705 --> 00:22:20,683 WE SHOULDN'T BE HOLDING AUDITIONS TO REPLACE HIM BECAUSE THERE'S ONLY ONE YOU. 203 00:22:20,683 --> 00:22:27,190 AND YOU ARE IRREPLACEABLE. RIGHT, BEN? THANKS, GUYS. 204 00:22:27,190 --> 00:22:31,894 BAD BOYS FOR LIFE. MAN, I FEEL LIKE WE'RE BACK AT NYU. 205 00:22:31,894 --> 00:22:37,133 OH, MY GOD, DUDE. SO MUCH BETTER THAN BEN. HE'S THE PERFECT REPLACEMENT. 206 00:22:41,170 --> 00:22:47,877 OH, MAN, HERE WE ARE, Y'ALL. COME ON. Y'ALL WANT TO DO THE SLINGSHOT? 207 00:22:47,877 --> 00:22:51,614 LOOK AT THIS THING, IT'S SO HIGH. MAN, THAT'S WAY UP THERE. 208 00:22:51,614 --> 00:22:54,984 COME ON. IT'S NOT THAT HIGH. LET DO IT. 209 00:22:54,984 --> 00:22:58,020 WHO'S COMING? YOU KNOW I CAN'T GET ON THAT THING. 210 00:22:58,020 --> 00:23:00,990 I GET TOO SCARED. COME ON. PLEASE? 211 00:23:00,990 --> 00:23:06,195 SAM WILL GO WITH YOU. COME ON, SAMMY. YOU CAN'T PUNK OUT IN FRONT OF 212 00:23:06,195 --> 00:23:11,267 YOUR GIRL. YEAH, SAM. HE NEEDS A PARTNER. 213 00:23:11,267 --> 00:23:15,271 YOU'RE BRAVE, RIGHT? I GUESS. GENTLEMEN, READY TO FLY? 214 00:23:15,271 --> 00:23:19,242 WE'RE CLEAR FOR TAKEOFF. YOU THINK THIS THING'S SAFE, RIGHT? 215 00:23:19,242 --> 00:23:24,447 OF COURSE. JUST SHOOTS YOU UP 400 FEET IN THREE SECONDS. 216 00:23:24,447 --> 00:23:28,017 NO PROBLEM, RIGHT? SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. YEAH. 217 00:23:28,017 --> 00:23:33,756 JUST TEN Gs RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. HOPE YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT. DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL. 218 00:23:33,756 --> 00:23:36,726 I'M A VETERAN. I WAS IN THE AIR FORCE. LOVE THAT. 219 00:23:36,726 --> 00:23:40,530 I WANT TO GET OFF. IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT, SAMMY. 220 00:23:40,530 --> 00:23:45,701 I REALLY, REALLY WANT TO GET OFF. HE CAN'T HEAR YOU, MAN. 221 00:23:45,701 --> 00:23:48,805 JUST GET READY FOR THE COUNTDOWN. ALL RIGHT. 222 00:23:48,805 --> 00:23:55,445 IT'S HAPPENING IN THREE, TWO -- AHH! OH, MY GOD, JESUS! 223 00:23:55,445 --> 00:24:00,483 THIS IS SO HIGH! WHOO! IT'S LIKE WE'RE BIRDS. 224 00:24:00,483 --> 00:24:07,090 HEY, KEVIN, I THINK I CAN SEE MY HOUSE! KEVIN, YOU SEE IT? 225 00:24:07,090 --> 00:24:16,099 I GOT IT -- HEY, HEY! HEY, MAN, YOU PASS OUT? KEVIN? 226 00:24:16,099 --> 00:24:18,701 KEVIN? ? OH, MY GOD, DID YOU SEE HOW FAST 227 00:24:18,701 --> 00:24:21,738 THEY WEREN'T. IT WAS SO INSANE. HERE THEY COME. 228 00:24:21,738 --> 00:24:26,809 HEY, YOU'RE ALIVE. HOW WAS IT? CRAZY. 229 00:24:26,809 --> 00:24:31,013 I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT. THEY SHOOT YOU UP SO HIGH. THAT WAS PRETTY WILD. 230 00:24:31,013 --> 00:24:36,819 SO WAS IT FUN? OH, ACTUALLY, IT WAS. I MEAN, THAT WAS A 231 00:24:36,819 --> 00:24:40,523 ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME EXPERIENCE. IT SURE WAS. LET GO ON AND GET IN THE CAR 232 00:24:40,523 --> 00:24:43,292 NOW. YOU KNOW WHAT, KEVIN, I'LL DO IT. 233 00:24:43,292 --> 00:24:48,398 OH, YOU WANT TO DO IT? YOU'LL DO IT WITH ME, RIGHT, BABY? 234 00:24:48,398 --> 00:24:50,266 OF COURSE. GO, GIRL. I LOVE IT. 235 00:24:50,266 --> 00:24:52,802 I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT NEITHER. 236 00:24:52,802 --> 00:24:56,806 GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK. LOOKS LIKE WE GOT A RETURN CUSTOMER. 237 00:24:56,806 --> 00:25:00,877 VERY BRAVE. YEAH, YEAH. HEY, MAN, CAN WE GO UP REAL SOFT 238 00:25:00,877 --> 00:25:05,815 AND COME DOWN REAL GENTLE LIKE. NO CAN DO. THIS THING HAS ONLY ONE SPEED. 239 00:25:05,815 --> 00:25:10,186 BABY, WE'RE GOING TO BE OKAY, RIGHT? I WANT TO SAY YES. 240 00:25:10,186 --> 00:25:13,956 I GUESS WE JUST GOT TO WAIT FOR THE COUNTDOWN. ALL RIGHT. 241 00:25:13,956 --> 00:25:21,097 HERE WE GO. IN THREE, TWO -- AHH! AHH! 242 00:25:21,097 --> 00:25:27,236 OH, KEVIN! KEVIN, YOU OKAY, BABY? OH, MY GOD, TALK TO ME! 243 00:25:27,236 --> 00:25:32,108 I'M PASSING OUT -- I'M PASSING OUT! YOU WERE IN THE AIR FORCE. 244 00:25:32,108 --> 00:25:36,412 OH, YES, YES. I WAS ONLY PAINTING THE PLANES, THOUGH. 245 00:25:36,412 --> 00:25:40,416 KEVIN, JUST CALM DOWN. BABY, I LOST MY JOB THREE WEEKS AGO. 246 00:25:40,416 --> 00:25:46,923 YOU LOST YOUR JOB? OH, MY GOODNESS. I'M 17 YEARS OLDER TOO BY THE 247 00:25:46,923 --> 00:25:50,126 WAY. I THOUGHT YOUR DADDY WAS GOING TO TELL YOU. 248 00:25:50,126 --> 00:25:58,835 WHAT? KEVIN! I'M PEEING. 249 00:25:58,835 --> 00:26:04,173 I'M PEEING ON EVERYTHING, ALL OVER THE PLACE, HONEY. OH, GET ME OUT OF HERE! 250 00:26:04,173 --> 00:26:08,745 YOU KNOW WHAT, I WANT TO DO IT. OH, GOOD. 251 00:26:08,745 --> 00:26:12,482 KEVIN WILL GO WITH YOU. NO, I'M DONE. OH, THIS IS FUN. 252 00:26:12,482 --> 00:26:19,088 WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING TO ME? OH, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS. 253 00:26:19,088 --> 00:26:23,960 OH, I'M NOT READY FOR THIS. I'M NOT READY! AHH! 254 00:26:36,973 --> 00:26:41,844 CREW, PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR, SIR. THANK YOU, MR. DOBBS, AT 255 00:26:41,844 --> 00:26:46,015 EASE. LITTLE FISH, THERE'S TROUBLE OUT THERE IN THE WATERS, SO THEY 256 00:26:46,015 --> 00:26:52,455 TURNED TO US. BUT WE'RE NOT GOING OUT THERE WITH OUR PANTS DOWN, NO, SIR. 257 00:26:52,455 --> 00:27:02,632 UNCLE SAM GAVE US FIRST CLASS TICKETS ON A $5 BILLION NUCLEAR SUBMARINE, AND THIS HIGH-CLASS 258 00:27:02,632 --> 00:27:09,639 KILLING MACHINE HAS BEEN ENTRUSTED TO US FOR ONE PURPOSE. TO DEFEND OUR COUNTRY, GOD'S 259 00:27:09,639 --> 00:27:14,711 COUNTRY. NOW THE PRESIDENT MAY CALL THE SHOTS, BUT THIS HERE IS MY 260 00:27:14,711 --> 00:27:18,381 SUBMARINE. AND IT'S A PROUD BOAT, ISN'T IT, MR. DOBBS? 261 00:27:18,381 --> 00:27:24,087 VERY PROUD, SIR. IT REPRESENTS THE BEST OF US. THE ABSOLUTE BEST, SIR. 262 00:27:24,087 --> 00:27:30,660 AND THIS SHIP BEARS A NOBLE NAME, DOESN'T IT, MR. DOBBS? VERY NOBLE, SIR. 263 00:27:30,660 --> 00:27:38,534 AND WHAT IS THAT NAME, MR. DOBBS? MR. DINGLEBERRY'S 264 00:27:38,534 --> 00:27:46,175 GOOCHBALLOON ASDFJKL SEMICOLON 6969, SIR. SAY IT AGAIN. 265 00:27:46,175 --> 00:27:50,646 MR. DINGLEBERRY'S GOOCHBALLOON ASDFJKL SEMICOLON 6969, SIR. 266 00:27:50,646 --> 00:27:52,882 AND WHY DOES IT HAVE THAT NAME? BECAUSE IT WAS DECIDED BY AN 267 00:27:52,882 --> 00:27:58,554 ONLINE POLL, SIR. AND WHY DID WE LET THAT BE THE NAME? 268 00:27:58,554 --> 00:28:03,393 BECAUSE WE DIDN'T TAKE THE POLL SERIOUSLY UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, SIR. 269 00:28:03,393 --> 00:28:09,766 AND WHAT PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE VOTED FOR THIS TO BE THE NAME? AN OVERWHELMING MAJORITY, 270 00:28:09,766 --> 00:28:13,369 SIR. AND WHY DID WE HAVE A POLL IN THE FIRST PLACE? 271 00:28:13,369 --> 00:28:19,075 TO GET MORE FOLLOWERS ON INSTAGRAM, SIR. AND DID THIS MISSION SUCCEED? 272 00:28:19,075 --> 00:28:26,716 WE GOT MORE VIEWS ON OUR STORIES, BUT OUR FOLLOWERS GREW AT PRETTY MUCH THE NORMAL RATE, 273 00:28:26,716 --> 00:28:33,256 SIR. AND WHO IS MR. DINGLEBERRY? EVERYONE ASSUMES IT WAS YOU, 274 00:28:33,256 --> 00:28:36,259 SIR. AND WHAT WAS THE RUNNER UP IN THE POLL? 275 00:28:36,259 --> 00:28:45,835 DOOKY CRUISER, SIR. AND WAS THAT ANY BETTER? IT WAS SHORTER BUT EQUALLY 276 00:28:45,835 --> 00:28:48,237 BAD, SIR. AND WHAT DOES MR. DINGLEBERRY'S GOOCHBALLOON 277 00:28:48,237 --> 00:28:53,443 ASDFJKL SEMICOLON 6969 MEAN? IT'S JUST WHAT YOU GET IF YOU ROLL YOUR FINGERS ACROSS THE 278 00:28:53,443 --> 00:28:57,847 FINGER BOARD, SIR. AND HOW DID WE ASK TO PRONOUNCE IT? 279 00:28:57,847 --> 00:29:05,254 BY SAYING AS-DA-FA-JACKAL. AND WE DECIDED WHAT? THAT IT WAS TOO COMPLICATED 280 00:29:05,254 --> 00:29:10,827 AND WE SHOULD JUST SAY THE NAME, SIR. AND DID WE KNOW WHAT TO DO 281 00:29:10,827 --> 00:29:16,199 WITH THE SEMICOLON? WE DID NOT, SIR. SO WHAT DID WE DECIDE TO DO? 282 00:29:16,199 --> 00:29:24,907 TO JUST SAY SEMICOLON, SIR. AND WHO WAS BEHIND THIS? @GAY KEVIN FROM THE OFFICE. 283 00:29:24,907 --> 00:29:33,116 AND WHO WAS@GAY KEVIN FROM THE OFFICE? JUST A RANDOM GUY FROM THE 284 00:29:33,116 --> 00:29:35,918 OFFICE, SIR. HELLO, MY DARLING, IS IT URGENT? 285 00:29:35,918 --> 00:29:41,891 IS AND WHY IS IT URGENT? AND WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? AND ON WHICH DAYS WILL I SEE THE 286 00:29:41,891 --> 00:29:46,362 KIDS? OKAY, THEN. NOW YOU KNOW WHO THINKS THEY 287 00:29:46,362 --> 00:29:51,367 KNOW WHY MY WIFE IS LEAVING ME? WE ALL DO, SIR. AND WHY IS THAT? 288 00:29:51,367 --> 00:30:02,245 BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE MRS. DINGLEBERRY, SIR. AND WHO BLEW UP THE SUBMARINE 289 00:30:02,245 --> 00:30:06,182 JUST NOW? WE ALL DID, SIR. AND WHY DID WE DO IT? 290 00:30:06,182 --> 00:30:10,653 BECAUSE WE DIDN'T WANT TO DIE ON SOMETHING CALLED THE GOOCH BALLOON, SIR. 291 00:30:10,653 --> 00:30:15,658 DAMN RIGHT. CHIEF OF THE BOAT, DISMISS THE CREW. 292 00:30:15,658 --> 00:30:19,762 CREW. AYAY. MR. DINGLEBERRY CREW, FALL OUT 293 00:30:32,275 --> 00:30:36,813 MEANS IT'S TIME TO START SCREENING FOR CLONE CANCER, AND THERE'S NO EASIER WAY TO DO IT 294 00:30:36,813 --> 00:30:41,584 THERE'S NO EASIER WAY TO DO IT THAN WITH COLOGUARD, THE SIMPLE BOX DELIVERED TO YOUR DOORSTEP. 295 00:30:43,953 --> 00:30:50,259 HI. I'M COLOGUARD. OH, YEAH, MY DOCTOR ORDERED 296 00:30:50,259 --> 00:30:52,795 YOU. THAT'S RIGHT. BECAUSE I'M SAFE, EASY TO USE. 297 00:30:52,795 --> 00:31:00,203 HOW'S IT WORK? I JUST NEED TO COLLECT A SAMPLE, SO OPEN ME UP AND GO 298 00:31:00,203 --> 00:31:03,506 INSIDE ME. INSIDE YOU? YEAH, JUST GO INSIDE ME. 299 00:31:03,506 --> 00:31:06,309 IT'S OKAY. I LIKE IT. ARE YOU GOING TO LOOK AT ME 300 00:31:06,309 --> 00:31:10,179 LIKE THAT WHILE I DO IT? SURE. I'M JUST SMILING BECAUSE I LOVE 301 00:31:10,179 --> 00:31:13,983 MY JOB, AND I LOVE WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO TO ME. WELL, I DON'T LOVE THAT YOU 302 00:31:13,983 --> 00:31:18,121 HAVE A FACE AND A LITTLE MOUTH. AND A NAME. I'M THOMAS. 303 00:31:18,121 --> 00:31:23,860 WHY DO I HATE KNOWING THAT? COME ON, IT'S FUN FOR BOTH OF US. 304 00:31:23,860 --> 00:31:28,364 YOU GET THE SATISFACTION OF KNOWING YOU'RE DOING EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO PROTECT YOUR COLON, 305 00:31:28,364 --> 00:31:33,336 AND I GET ANOTHER KIND OF SATISFACTION. SO GO AHEAD, UNLOAD IN ME. 306 00:31:33,336 --> 00:31:38,508 WHY IS THE U.P.S. GUY WATCHING? HE'S WAITING TO COLLECT THE 307 00:31:38,508 --> 00:31:43,279 SAMPLE AFTER YOU'RE DONE. GO AHEAD, UNLEASH. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE 308 00:31:43,279 --> 00:31:47,717 DOING THIS IN FRONT OF YOU GUYS. WOULD YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE UNLOADING ON A 309 00:31:47,717 --> 00:31:51,487 LITTLE WOMAN LIKE ME? WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A REAL MAN? 310 00:31:51,487 --> 00:31:55,792 GOD, NO. I JUST WANT TO BE SCREENED FOR COLON CANCER. 311 00:31:55,792 --> 00:32:03,666 THEN GO AHEAD, DESTROY ME, DADDY, BLOW MY BOX OPEN. YEAH, I WANT TO SEE YOU BLOW 312 00:32:03,666 --> 00:32:07,870 THAT BOX WIDE OPEN. THIS IS SICK. BUT NOT SICK FROM COLON 313 00:32:07,870 --> 00:32:12,008 CANCER. SO JUST GO INSIDE HER, THEN PASS THE SUPER WARM BOX TO THE U.P.S. 314 00:32:12,008 --> 00:32:15,244 GUY. GET IT NICE AND WARM BEFORE YOU HAND IT BACK TO ME. 315 00:32:15,244 --> 00:32:19,582 I'LL EVEN CLOSE MY EYES WHILE YOU DO IT. I SEE YOU PEEKING. 316 00:32:19,582 --> 00:32:23,252 HOW MANY OF YOU ARE THERE? IT'S OKAY. WE'RE JUST HERE TO WATCH. 317 00:32:23,252 --> 00:32:29,125 WE'RE FRIENDLY LIKE MINIONS, SO GO AHEAD AND UNLEASH. STOP SAYING UNLEASH. 318 00:32:29,125 --> 00:32:37,734 WOULD IT HELP IF YOU KNEW THEIR NAMES? THAT'S KYLIE, VICTOR, NEIL, AND 319 00:32:37,734 --> 00:32:40,403 SHEVAT. WE CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU UNLEASH. 320 00:32:40,403 --> 00:32:48,277 I'M ACTUALLY GOOD. I JUST REMEMBERED THAT I SCREENED FOR COLON CANCER LAST 321 00:32:48,277 --> 00:32:50,947 YEAR, SO. AND YOU WOULDN'T BE LYING TO US, RIGHT? 322 00:32:50,947 --> 00:32:54,016 OF COURSE NOT. BECAUSE WE CAN ALSO DETECT LIARS. 323 00:32:54,016 --> 00:32:58,721 NOW DROP YOUR PANTS, BLOW OUT HIS BOX, AND THIS WILL ALL BE OVER. 324 00:32:58,721 --> 00:33:03,226 JUST DO WHAT THE LITTLE BOXES SAY TO DO. I'LL GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT, 325 00:33:03,226 --> 00:33:14,404 JUST PLEASE DON'T KILL ME. MAN, IS WOODY OKAY? I KNOW HE SMOKES A TON OF 326 00:33:14,404 --> 00:33:18,641 WEED, BUT I'M REALLY STARTING TO WORRY ABOUT HIM. OH. 327 00:33:18,641 --> 00:33:22,111 ALL RIGHT. LET'S HEAD INSIDE AND GIVE HIM SOME PRIVACY. 328 00:33:22,111 --> 00:33:29,352 ACTUALLY, I'M GOING TO STAY. I'M GOING TO WATCH HIM UNLEASH. COLOGUARD, GO AHEAD, WE LIKE 329 00:33:29,352 --> 00:33:30,820 I'M GOING TO WATCH HIM UNLEASH. COLOGUARD, GO AHEAD, WE LIKE IT. 330 00:33:41,531 --> 00:33:48,137 HE'S BEEN HERE FIVE TIMES TOO. DOES HE GET A JACKET? ANYWAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, 331 00:33:48,137 --> 00:34:00,483 JACK WHITE. ** * I'LL BET YOU DO * 332 00:34:00,483 --> 00:34:14,397 ** ** * WHEN YOU 333 00:34:14,397 --> 00:34:18,134 TAKE OUT THE FIGURES PULL ALL THE TRIGGERS * * WELL YOU'RE 334 00:34:18,134 --> 00:34:23,506 TAKING ME BACK TAKING ME BACK * * WHEN YOU LISTEN TO MYSTICS 335 00:34:23,506 --> 00:34:30,546 LAY AT YOUR PICNICS YOU'RE TAKING ME BACK TAKING ME BACK * 336 00:34:30,546 --> 00:34:52,268 * I'LL BET YOU DO NOT FOR LONG I'M ALONE 337 00:34:52,268 --> 00:34:55,138 * WHEN YOU DROP THE MAIL OFF TO ME MAKE US BOTH COFFEE * 338 00:34:55,138 --> 00:34:57,673 * ARE YOU TAKING IT BLACK BREAKING MY BACK * * WHEN YOU 339 00:34:57,673 --> 00:35:01,944 DROP THE MAIL OFF TO ME MAKE US BOTH COFFEE * * ARE YOU TAKING IT BLACK 340 00:35:01,944 --> 00:35:08,851 ARE YOU TAKING ME BACK * ** * I'LL BET YOU DO 341 00:35:08,851 --> 00:35:15,858 I'LL BET YOU DO BUT NOT FOR LONG * ** 342 00:35:15,858 --> 00:35:25,501 * I'LL BET YOU DO FEEL ALONE BUT NOT FOR LONG * ** 343 00:35:25,501 --> 00:35:38,414 ** * IT'S BREAKING MY BACK * ** 344 00:35:38,414 --> 00:35:53,396 ** * WHOA * ** 345 00:35:53,396 --> 00:36:11,614 ** ** * WHEN YOU TALK 346 00:36:11,614 --> 00:36:16,419 ABOUT FRICTION TALK ABOUT CHRISTMAS * * ARE YOU TAKING ME BACK 347 00:36:16,419 --> 00:36:21,824 TAKING ME BACK * * WHEN I RECALL THE HISTORY THESE KIDS ARE A MYSTERY 348 00:36:21,824 --> 00:36:32,568 THEY'RE TAKING ME BACK THEY ARE TAKING ME BACK * ** 349 00:36:32,568 --> 00:36:59,929 ** ** * I'LL BET YOU DO 350 00:36:59,929 --> 00:37:10,073 I'LL BET YOU DO * ** ** 351 00:37:10,073 --> 00:37:18,748 ** * WHEN THE MOON IS ABOVE YOU DOES IT TELL YOU I LOVE YOU 352 00:37:18,748 --> 00:37:24,654 BY SCREAMING * * WHEN THE SUN STARTS TO FALL 353 00:37:24,654 --> 00:37:32,161 IT'S CRUSHING THE WALLS AND THE CEILING * ** 354 00:37:32,161 --> 00:37:36,432 * I CAN'T CONTROL WHEN THE DARK COVERS THE LIGHT FROM 355 00:37:36,432 --> 00:37:47,210 THE SPARKS IN THE CITY * * TO KEEP US ALIVE GONNA HIDE ELECTRICITY * 356 00:37:47,210 --> 00:38:01,190 ** ** ** 357 00:38:01,190 --> 00:38:13,469 ** ** ** 358 00:38:13,469 --> 00:38:24,947 ** ** ** 359 00:38:24,947 --> 00:38:27,917 ** ** [ APPLAUSE ] 360 00:38:44,534 --> 00:38:50,840 WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE? I'M COLIN JOST. 361 00:38:50,840 --> 00:38:58,314 THIS WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN MADE A HISTORIC VISIT TO UKRAINE AND MED WITH UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT 362 00:38:58,314 --> 00:39:15,098 VLADIMIR ZELENSKYY WHERE THEY GREETED EACH OTHER LIKE TWO ACTION FIGURES HAVING SEX. 363 00:39:15,098 --> 00:39:20,269 WHILE BIDEN WAS IN UKRAINE, REPUBLICANS CRITICIZED HIS DELAYED RESPONSE TO THE OHIO 364 00:39:20,269 --> 00:39:26,375 TRAIN DERAILMENT, BUT BIDEN SAID HE WAS WAITING TO SHOOT THE TRAIN DOWN UNTIL IT WAS OVER THE 365 00:39:26,375 --> 00:39:30,580 OCEAN. PRESIDENT BIDEN IS BEING PRAISED FOR HIS SURPRISE VISIT 366 00:39:30,580 --> 00:39:36,753 TO UKRAINE BY TAKING A TEN-HOUR TRAIN RIDE FROM POLAND. BIG DEAL, YOU KNOW WHO ELSE 367 00:39:36,753 --> 00:39:41,557 TAKES A TRAIN RIDE THROUGH AN ACTIVE WAR ZONE? EVERY NEW YORKER. 368 00:39:41,557 --> 00:39:47,930 CHINA IMPOSED A 12-PART PLAN FOR PEACE IN UKRAINE. THE PLAN IS THE 12 PARTS HAVE TO 369 00:39:47,930 --> 00:39:54,270 BE ASSEMBLED BY CHILDREN. OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S A GOOD PLAN, I GUESS. 370 00:39:54,270 --> 00:39:59,142 DONALD TRUMP VISITED EAST PALESTINE, THE SITE OF THE RECENT TRAIN DERAILMENT BECAUSE 371 00:39:59,142 --> 00:40:04,580 TRUMP YOU USUALLY TRIES TO MAKE HIMSELF LOOK BETTER BY STANDING NEXT TO A TRAIN WRECK. 372 00:40:04,580 --> 00:40:11,854 THE TRAIN THAT DERAILED WAS CARRYING HIGHLY TOXIC VINYL CHLORIDE WHICH I THINK IS 373 00:40:11,854 --> 00:40:16,125 SOMETHING TRUMP RECOMMENDED AS A CURE FOR COVID. WHILE VISITING THE DISASTER 374 00:40:16,125 --> 00:40:23,166 SITE, TRUMP ALSO GAVE OUT BOTTLES OF TRUMP BRAND WATER. SAID RESIDENTS, THANKS, BUT WE 375 00:40:23,166 --> 00:40:31,541 WOULD RATHER DRINK THE TOXIC TRAIN WATER. PETE BUD JEENL VISITED THE 376 00:40:31,541 --> 00:40:35,745 SITE, AND WAS CRITICIZED FOR WEARING LEATHER BOOTS. GIVE HIM A BREAK. 377 00:40:35,745 --> 00:40:42,585 THAT'S ALL THEY HAD AT BABY GAP. TUCKER CARLSON SEEN HERE AT A WHITES ONLY RAVE HAS BEEN 378 00:40:42,585 --> 00:40:50,860 GRANTED ACCESS TO OVER 40,000 HOURS OF SECURITY FOOTAGE FROM THE JANUARY 6th RIOTS. 379 00:40:50,860 --> 00:41:01,671 WATCHING ALL THAT WOULD MAKE YOU GO INSANE, SAID DOCTORS ABOUT TUCKER CARLSON'S SHOW. 380 00:41:01,671 --> 00:41:09,345 GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE AND COCAINE BEAR MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN TWEETED THE COUNTRY NEEDS 381 00:41:09,345 --> 00:41:15,218 A DIVORCE. WHICH MAKES SENSE. FLORIDA GOVERNOR RON DeSANTIS IS 382 00:41:15,218 --> 00:41:22,325 RELEASED A NEW MEMOIR CALLED THE COURAGE TO BE FREE, EVEN THOUGH THAT SOUNDS LIKE A BLACK HISTORY 383 00:41:22,325 --> 00:41:27,497 BOOK HE'S BANNED. IT WAS ANNOUNCED THE PRODUCERS OF THIS YEAR'S ACADEMY 384 00:41:27,497 --> 00:41:32,935 AWARDS HAVE PUT UP A CRISIS TEAM TO DEAL WITH INCIDENTS SIMILAR TO LAST YEAR'S WILL SMITH SLAP. 385 00:41:32,935 --> 00:41:41,244 IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN AGAIN. IF ANYTHING, IT HELPS RATINGS. THE PROMO SHOULD BE, WHO'S GOING 386 00:41:41,244 --> 00:41:51,754 TO GET SLAPPED THIS YEAR? WHICH BANSHEE WILL KNOCK THE SHOES OFF? 387 00:41:51,754 --> 00:41:57,894 SHOES OFF? AND WHO HAS WHAT IT TAKES TO WHALE ON BRENDAN FRASER. 388 00:42:02,265 --> 00:42:12,442 JAMES ARE STRUGGLING. HERE IS NBA ANALYST AND HALL OF FAMER BILL WALTON. 389 00:42:12,442 --> 00:42:21,150 AMAZING TO BE HERE, SATURDAY NIGHT LIFE, THE PREMIER COMEDY SHOW IN THE HISTORY OF 390 00:42:21,150 --> 00:42:25,688 CIVILIZATION. MICHAEL CHE, LORD OF THE LOWER EAST SIDE, THROW IT DOWN, BIG 391 00:42:25,688 --> 00:42:30,393 FELLA. SURE, MAN. SO YOU'RE AN NBA ANALYST. 392 00:42:30,393 --> 00:42:36,132 YOU ALSO HAVE YOUR OWN SHOW ON NBA TV. AND YOU'RE ALSO A LITTLE WEIRD. 393 00:42:36,132 --> 00:42:42,438 MICHAEL, I'M AN ATHLETE, I'M AN ANALYST. I AM A SPIRITUAL NOMAD. 394 00:42:42,438 --> 00:42:50,246 I AM A CURIOUS NYMPH IN GOD'S ASTONISHING GARDEN, AND I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE IN WOODY 395 00:42:50,246 --> 00:42:54,884 HARRELSON'S DRESSING ROOM. THE SECOND HALF OF THE SHOW IS GOING TO BE BANANAS. 396 00:42:54,884 --> 00:43:00,490 SO TODAY THE LAKERS ARE 13th IN THE WESTERN CONFERENCE. DO YOU THINK THEY'LL MAKE THE 397 00:43:00,490 --> 00:43:08,464 PLAYOFFS? THE LAKERS HAVE A HISTORY THAT WOULD MAKE AVADAGO'S 398 00:43:08,464 --> 00:43:16,606 BEAKERS BOIL WITH CHEMISTRY. LeBRON, ANTHONY DAVIS, AND THE NEWBY DEANGLO RUSSELL, THEIR ON 399 00:43:16,606 --> 00:43:22,712 THE COURT ARTISTRY MOVES ME TO TEARS. ANTHONY DAVIS FOR THREE, GREAT 400 00:43:22,712 --> 00:43:25,715 SHOT. ARE YOU CALLING A GAME RIGHT NOW? 401 00:43:25,715 --> 00:43:32,755 MY SPIRIT GUIDE SENDS ME FLASHES OF WHAT IS, WHAT WAS, AND WHAT SHALL BE. 402 00:43:32,755 --> 00:43:40,730 SO I'M CALLING A GAME THAT TAKES PLACE NEXT WEDNESDAY. OH, D.LO WITH THE LAYUP, AND THE 403 00:43:40,730 --> 00:43:44,434 LEAD IS CUT TO SIX. SO YOU MUST KNOW THE FUTURE. I'LL ASK AGAIN. 404 00:43:44,434 --> 00:43:51,307 ARE THE LAKERS GOING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS? A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY 405 00:43:51,307 --> 00:43:57,180 FAR, FAR AWAY, GOD HERSELF BIRTHED THE TECH TONIC MARVEL WE CALL LOS ANGELES, CHE. 406 00:43:57,180 --> 00:44:03,753 OUT OF BOUNDS. LAKERS BALL, THE REFS ARE GOING TO TAKE A LOOK AT THIS ONE. 407 00:44:03,753 --> 00:44:10,460 YES! WHAT WE NOW CALL PARADISE STARTED AS A MEGABONE YARD, BUT 408 00:44:10,460 --> 00:44:17,467 ITS SPIRIT HAS CARRIED ON JUST LIKE THE GRATEFUL DEAD CARRIED ON WHEN THEY BROUGHT IN THE 409 00:44:17,467 --> 00:44:23,573 NOODLER OF NATIONS, JOHN MAYIER, A POET WHOSE ONLY COLLEAGUES ARE THE PLANETS THEMSELVES. 410 00:44:23,573 --> 00:44:29,112 BIG DUNK FROM LeBRON, THROW IT DOWN! GOD, I WISH YOU COULD SEE THIS, 411 00:44:29,112 --> 00:44:32,448 MICHAEL. WELL, I CAN'T. SO TELL ME ARE THE LAKERS GOING 412 00:44:32,448 --> 00:44:37,720 TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS? YES OR NO? YES THE LAKERS CAN MAKE THE 413 00:44:37,720 --> 00:44:42,992 PLAYOFFS IF THEY CAN ANSWER ONE SIMPLE QUESTION. IS THERE AN AFTERLIFE, AND WHAT 414 00:44:42,992 --> 00:44:48,664 SCIENTIFIC BASIS IS THERE FOR THE PERSISTENCE OF THE SOUL AFTER DEATH? 415 00:44:48,664 --> 00:44:57,206 OH, FOUL ON DAVIS. OH, FOR UNITY WITH THE STARS ARE PLACED IN THE MASSIVE -- TO BE 416 00:44:57,206 --> 00:45:07,083 CRADLED IN OUR CREATOR'S MAGNIFICENT BOSSOM AND HAVE HER WHISPER THE MAGICAL WORDS OF 417 00:45:07,083 --> 00:45:12,422 JABA THE HUT. BILL WALTON, EVERYBODY. THE LAKERS ARE FOULED. 418 00:45:12,422 --> 00:45:13,556 BILL WALTON, EVERYBODY. THE LAKERS ARE FOULED. THANK YOU. 419 00:45:18,628 --> 00:45:25,835 SOME OF HIS INSENSITIVE LANGUAGE LIKE THE WORDS FAT AND UGLY AS WELL AS MODERNIZING HIS 420 00:45:25,835 --> 00:45:31,507 PORTRAYAL OF WOMAN. WHICH WILL MOST LIKELY AFFECT THE BOOK, THE FAT UGLY WIFE WHO 421 00:45:31,507 --> 00:45:36,245 KNEW HER PLACE. IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT BRITTNEY GRINER HAS SIGNED WITH 422 00:45:36,245 --> 00:45:40,750 THE PHOENIX MERCURY FOR ONE YEAR. UNFORTUNATELY, THE WNBA PAYSLESS 423 00:45:40,750 --> 00:45:49,158 THAN A RUSSIAN PRISON. YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LIKE THIS NEXT ONE. 424 00:45:49,158 --> 00:45:52,862 A FOUR-FOOT LONG ALLIGATOR WAS DISCOVERED IN BROOKLYN'S PROSPECT PARK. 425 00:45:52,862 --> 00:45:57,834 SO YOU CAN PROBABLY TAKE DOWN ALL THOSE MISSING DOG POSTERS. THANK YOU, THANK YOU. 426 00:45:57,834 --> 00:46:04,273 YEAH. THIS WEEK, BOTH HARVEY WEINSTEIN AND R. KELLY WERE GIVEN 427 00:46:04,273 --> 00:46:08,177 ADDITIONAL PRISON SENTENCES ON TOP OF THE ONES THEY ARE ALREADY SERVING, WHICH BRINGS US TO 428 00:46:08,177 --> 00:46:15,651 MICHAEL CHE'S NEW SEGMENT. WHAT DO THEY EVEN DO WRONG? I MEAN, MAINLY THEY'RE GUILTY 429 00:46:15,651 --> 00:46:22,191 OF LOVING TOO MUCH, RIGHT? A PLAYER'S GOT TO PLAY. AM I RIGHT, LADIES? 430 00:46:22,191 --> 00:46:28,131 NO. THIS HAS BEEN, WHAT DID THEY EVEN DO WRONG. 431 00:46:28,131 --> 00:46:32,602 YOU MAKE SOME GOOD POINTS, MICHAEL. A NEW REPORT SHOWS THAT NEW 432 00:46:32,602 --> 00:46:36,939 JERSEY HAS THE SECOND WORST ROADS IN THE COUNTRY. WHILE THE WORST ROADS ARE THE 433 00:46:36,939 --> 00:46:46,916 ONES THAT GO INTO NEW JERSEY. EXPERTS HAVE DEBUNKED CLAIMS THAT AN UNWANTED PREGNANCY CAN 434 00:46:46,916 --> 00:46:51,721 BE TERMINATED WITH HIGH DOSES OF VITAMIN C. THAT'S THE LAST TIME I ASK A 435 00:46:51,721 --> 00:47:00,163 WOMAN TO STAY OVER FOR BREAKFAST, COLIN. THE NBA'S SLAM DUNK CONTEST WAS 436 00:47:00,163 --> 00:47:08,237 WON BY MAC McCLUNG, A 6'2" WHITE MAN WHO HAS ONLY APPEARED IN TWO NBA GAMES, WHICH IS JUST A 437 00:47:08,237 --> 00:47:12,442 TERRIBLE WAY TO END BLACK HISTORY MONTH. THE NATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF 438 00:47:12,442 --> 00:47:18,147 SKIERS IS PUSHING FOR GREATER REPRESENTATION OF BLACK PEOPLE IN WINTER SPORTS, WHICH ARE 439 00:47:18,147 --> 00:47:22,985 PREDOMINANTLY WHITE. HUH, SO IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE'S A LITTLE JEALOUS WE TOOK THEIR 440 00:47:22,985 --> 00:47:30,760 PRECIOUS DUNK CONTEST. MONDAY IS NATIONAL POLAR BEAR DAY. 441 00:47:30,760 --> 00:47:38,401 PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS NATIONAL POLAR BEARS DAY. I DON'T KNOW. 442 00:47:38,401 --> 00:47:47,677 I LOVE THIS AUDIENCE. THIS IS GOING GREAT FOR ME. A WOMAN -- A WOMAN AT AN ART 443 00:47:47,677 --> 00:47:55,551 FAIR IN MIAMI ACCIDENTALLY SHATTERED A JEFF CON SCULPTURE WORTH MORE THAN $40,000. 444 00:47:55,551 --> 00:48:04,060 I GUESS IT'S LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAY, COLIN, COONS AIN'T SAFE IN FLORIDA. 445 00:48:04,060 --> 00:48:07,397 FLORIDA. YOU'RE GOING TO GET ME KILLED. 446 00:48:09,599 --> 00:48:14,971 A NEW STUDY SHOWS THE COVID BABY BUMP IS OVER AS FEWER AMERICANS ARE CHOOSING TO HAVE KIDS. 447 00:48:14,971 --> 00:48:21,210 HERE TO COMMENT ON JOYS OF MOTHER HOOD IS GINA BIANCHI, A WOMAN WITH FOUR DAUGHTERS AND 448 00:48:21,210 --> 00:48:28,484 ONE SON. HEY, SWEETHEART. YOU BOYS LOOK SO NICE. 449 00:48:28,484 --> 00:48:31,187 THANK YOU. SO YOU'RE A MOM OF FIVE. TELL US ABOUT MOTHERHOOD. 450 00:48:31,187 --> 00:48:35,191 I LOVE IT. SO I'VE GOT MY FOUR DAUGHTERS, AND MY DAUGHTERS ARE FINE. 451 00:48:35,191 --> 00:48:41,998 BUT MY SON, OH, MY GOD. I LOVE MY SON. SO HE CAME OVER LAST SUNDAY, HE 452 00:48:41,998 --> 00:48:46,869 WAS HUNGOVER. HE'S ALWAYS HUNGOVER. HE'S IN MY FRIDGE, HE'S PULLING 453 00:48:46,869 --> 00:48:52,975 OUT HAM, TURKEY, THE MAYONNAISE. HE'S FILLING UP A COOLER, HE LEAVES, DOESN'T SAY BYE. 454 00:48:52,975 --> 00:48:56,646 I'M CRACKING UP. MY DAUGHTERS SAY, THAT'S MA'S FOOD. 455 00:48:56,646 --> 00:49:02,552 YOU CAN'T TAKE MA'S FOOD. I SAY, WHO CARES? GIRLS, SHUT UP. 456 00:49:02,552 --> 00:49:07,123 ANTHONY'S 38 YEARS OLD. HE'S A GROWING BOY. MY DAUGHTERS, SO ANNOYING. 457 00:49:07,123 --> 00:49:11,594 BUT MY SON, OH, I LOVE MY SON. GOT IT. SO WHAT WOULD YOU TELL SOMEONE 458 00:49:11,594 --> 00:49:15,264 THAT'S ON THE FENCE ABOUT HAVING KIDS? THEY SURPRISE YOU EVERY DAY. 459 00:49:15,264 --> 00:49:20,903 LIKE YESTERDAY, MY SON, HE CAME OVER, WHAT WAS HE DOING? OH, HE WAS GOING THROUGH MY 460 00:49:20,903 --> 00:49:28,478 WALLET. THE KID IS PULLING OUT 20, 40, $60 BILLS. 461 00:49:28,478 --> 00:49:33,983 HE WRITES HIMSELF A CHECK FOR 14 GRAND FROM MY CHECKBOOK. WHAT'S HE WRITE IN THE MEMO? 462 00:49:33,983 --> 00:49:38,988 PUTTING UP WITH MA. I'M DYING OVER HERE. MY DAUGHTERS SAY, THAT'S MA'S 463 00:49:38,988 --> 00:49:43,693 MONEY. YOU CAN'T TAKE MA'S MONEY. I'M LIKE, GIRLS, PLEASE, YOU'RE 464 00:49:43,693 --> 00:49:49,198 NOT PRETTY ENOUGH TO BE THIS IRRITATING. BUT MY SON, OH, MY GOD, I LOVE 465 00:49:49,198 --> 00:49:51,601 MY SON. YEAH. NO. 466 00:49:51,601 --> 00:49:56,105 WE'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT YOUR SON. WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR 467 00:49:56,105 --> 00:50:01,778 DAUGHTER. THEY'RE DOCTORS. BUT MY SON DID THIS HILARIOUS 468 00:50:01,778 --> 00:50:05,048 PRANK LAST NIGHT WHERE HE PRETENDED TO ROB ME AT GUN POINT. 469 00:50:05,048 --> 00:50:07,917 THAT'S TERRIBLE. MY DAUGHTERS SAY, YOU CAN'T DO THAT. 470 00:50:07,917 --> 00:50:13,122 MY DAUGHTERS, THEY BOUGHT ME A HOUSE. BUT MY SON, I MEAN, I WOULD IF I 471 00:50:13,122 --> 00:50:16,259 COULD. OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 472 00:50:16,259 --> 00:50:18,194 WELL -- I WOULD. I -- 473 00:50:18,194 --> 00:50:23,166 GETTING BACK TO THE TOPIC OF PARENTHOOD. DO YOU THINK YOUR KIDS ARE GOING 474 00:50:23,166 --> 00:50:27,036 TO HAVE KIDS SOME DAY. OH, PLEASE. THERE'S NOT A WOMAN OUT THERE 475 00:50:27,036 --> 00:50:30,740 GOOD ENOUGH FOR MY SON. SO ANTHONY'S SINGLE? NO. 476 00:50:30,740 --> 00:50:37,313 HE'S BEEN MARRIED FOR TWO YEARS. AND I JUST HAVE THIS FEELING, OKAY, THAT SHE IS GIVING HIM 477 00:50:37,313 --> 00:50:42,685 NOTHING IN BED. LIKE SHE COMPLETELY IGNORES HIS BALLS. 478 00:50:42,685 --> 00:50:45,021 OKAY. WHAT? WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT 479 00:50:45,021 --> 00:50:49,125 THAT? OKAY. AND I BET SHE'S OBSESSED WITH 480 00:50:49,125 --> 00:50:54,897 HAVING AN ORGASM. LIKE, NO, HONEY. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. 481 00:50:54,897 --> 00:51:03,806 WHEN HE'S DONE, YOU'RE DONE. GINA BIANCHI, EVERYONE. I LOVE ALL MY KIDS EQUALLY. 482 00:51:03,806 --> 00:51:06,409 FOR "WEEKEND UPDATE," I'M COLIN JOST. I'M MICHAEL CHE. 483 00:51:06,409 --> 00:51:08,244 COLIN JOST. I'M MICHAEL CHE. GOOD NIGHT. 484 00:51:33,136 --> 00:51:38,274 THE STUDIO. OH, NO. GOD, WAS IT ABOUT THAT POTENTIAL 485 00:51:38,274 --> 00:51:41,611 WRITER'S STRIKE. NO. WORSE. 486 00:51:41,611 --> 00:51:49,519 THE GENIUSES AT THE STUDIO ARE NO LONGER INTERESTED IN A GUT-WRENCHING DRAMA ABOUT 487 00:51:49,519 --> 00:51:58,561 OBESITY, SO THEY'RE SHUTTING THE FILM DOWN. THAT'S A WRAP ON THE HIPPO. 488 00:51:58,561 --> 00:52:05,701 I KNOW HOW MUCH WORK YOU ALL DID TO WORK ON YOUR ROLES. I SHADOWED A THERAPIST FOR 489 00:52:05,701 --> 00:52:11,307 TWO WEEKS TO GET INTO CHARACTER, BLAKE. AND JONAS GREW A BEARD, WHICH 490 00:52:11,307 --> 00:52:18,614 I KNEW HE HATES. I DO HATE IT. AND FOR HIS ROLE, KEITH 491 00:52:18,614 --> 00:52:25,621 GAINED 450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS. TO BE CLEAR, THE MOVIE IS OFFICIALLY DEAD AS IN WE'RE NOT 492 00:52:25,621 --> 00:52:30,193 MAKING IT? NO. THE HIPPO WILL NEVER SEE THE 493 00:52:30,193 --> 00:52:33,029 LIGHT OF DAY. HUH, THAT IS -- THAT'S ROUGH TO HEAR. 494 00:52:33,029 --> 00:52:38,601 WAIT. SO IF WE'RE NOT MAKING THE MOVIE, THAT MEANS I DYED MY HAIR 495 00:52:38,601 --> 00:52:43,139 BROWN FOR NOTHING? HEY, HEY, IT'S FINE. WE'RE ALL UPSET. 496 00:52:43,139 --> 00:52:47,343 KEITH, YOU LOOK LIKE THIS IS HITTING YOU PRETTY HOARD TOO, BUDDY. 497 00:52:47,343 --> 00:52:54,150 YEAH. I GOT TO SAY, THIS IS REALLY UNFORTUNATE FOR ME PERSONALLY. 498 00:52:54,150 --> 00:53:04,861 YEAH, FOR ALL OF US. WE ALL SACRIFICED FOR THIS FILM. I SHADOWED THAT THERAPIST ON MY 499 00:53:04,861 --> 00:53:07,230 OWN TIME. I CAN'T GET THOSE TWO WEEKS BACK. 500 00:53:07,230 --> 00:53:13,136 AND I GAINED 450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS. THAT'S A LIFESTYLE CHANGE. 501 00:53:13,136 --> 00:53:18,941 I HAVE SOMETHING CALLED TRIABETES NOW. IT'S THE ONE AFTER DIABETES. 502 00:53:18,941 --> 00:53:23,212 AND I HAVE THIS GOD DAMN BEARD. SORRY. 503 00:53:23,212 --> 00:53:29,485 IT'S ITCHY, AND GROWING IT WAS A HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE. I CAN RELATE BECAUSE GAINING 504 00:53:29,485 --> 00:53:35,992 450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS ALSO WAS NOT FUN. I HAD TO EAT SOMETHING CALLED 505 00:53:35,992 --> 00:53:41,464 GRISTLE LOAF. DOES ANYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS? IT'S A COMPRESSED BEEF FAT AND 506 00:53:41,464 --> 00:53:46,502 CORN SIR UP. I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL, KEITH. 507 00:53:46,502 --> 00:53:51,908 MY HAIR IS SO BRITTLE FROM THE BROWN DYE. WELL, THIS IS GRISTLE LOAF BY 508 00:53:51,908 --> 00:53:56,379 THE WAY. IT'S WHAT THEY FEED SICK ELEPHANTS AT THE ZOO TO GET THEM 509 00:53:56,379 --> 00:54:02,919 BACK TO THEIR NORMAL WEIGHT. ATE NINE OF THESE A DAY BECAUSE I THOUGHT I WOULD WIN THE OSCAR. 510 00:54:02,919 --> 00:54:06,355 AND YOU WOULD HAVE. DAMN IT. I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING. 511 00:54:06,355 --> 00:54:12,795 THE STUDIO WAS FIGHTING ME FROM DAY ONE. SHAINA, DID YOU KNOW THEY WANTED 512 00:54:12,795 --> 00:54:18,201 YOUR PART TO BE PLAYED BY A WHITE WOMAN? THE SAD THING IS I'M NOT 513 00:54:18,201 --> 00:54:22,572 SURPRISED. AND JONAS, THEY WANTED TO CUT YOU OUT OF ACT THREE. 514 00:54:22,572 --> 00:54:28,111 AND THEN THERE WOULD BE NO RESOLUTION TO THE CUSTODY STORY LINE? 515 00:54:28,111 --> 00:54:31,781 THEY ARE SO AFRAID OF ORIGINAL IDEAS. AND GET THIS, INSTEAD OF 516 00:54:31,781 --> 00:54:39,122 GAINING 450 POUNDS IN SIX MONTHS, THEY WANTED KEITH TO WEAR A FAT SUIT. 517 00:54:39,122 --> 00:54:43,226 IS THAT -- WAS THAT AN OPTION? YEAH. 518 00:54:43,226 --> 00:54:51,868 BUT I TOLD THEM, I SAID, KEITH IS A METHOD ACTOR. HE'S NOT GOING TO WEAR A FAT 519 00:54:51,868 --> 00:54:57,273 SUIT. I REALLY KIND OF WISH YOU HAD BROUGHT ME INTO THAT 520 00:54:57,273 --> 00:54:59,942 CONVERSATION. OH, REALLY? THAT'S MY BAD, MAN. 521 00:54:59,942 --> 00:55:04,247 I'M SORRY. GUYS, THIS WHOLE THING IS MY BAD. 522 00:55:04,247 --> 00:55:14,857 BUT LOOK, AT LEAST YOU GUYS ARE FREE. YOU OKAY? 523 00:55:14,857 --> 00:55:21,330 AT LEAST YOU GUYS ARE FREE TO DO OTHER PROJECTS, RIGHT? LIKE KEITH, YOU HAD AN OFFER FOR 524 00:55:21,330 --> 00:55:33,109 A MARVEL MOVIE, RIGHT? I THINK THAT SHIP HAS SAILED. I'M NOT EXACTLY IN X-MEN SHAPE 525 00:55:33,109 --> 00:55:35,511 RIGHT NOW. WELL, SOMETHING ELSE WILL COME ALONG. 526 00:55:35,511 --> 00:55:41,284 WELL, I DO THIS ON ALL MY FILMS, GUYS. ON OUR LAST DAY OF SET, WE ALL 527 00:55:41,284 --> 00:55:45,121 SAY ONE THING THIS EXPERIENCE GAVE US. SO I'LL GO FIRST. 528 00:55:45,121 --> 00:55:52,528 I HAVE 28 NEW FRIENDS. I HAVE ONE HELL OF A STORY. I HAVE A DEEPER RESPECT FOR 529 00:55:52,528 --> 00:55:54,163 OUR CRAFT. SAME. ALL RIGHT. 530 00:55:54,163 --> 00:56:01,571 YOUR TURN, KEITH. I HAVE -- NOT SEEN MY PENIS IN FOUR 531 00:56:01,571 --> 00:56:09,379 MONTHS. KEITH, YOU KNOW WHAT? MAKE THAT 29 NEW FRIENDS FOR ME. 532 00:56:09,379 --> 00:56:15,651 I WASN'T INCLUDED IN YOUR ORIGINAL FRIEND COUNT? HEY, DID THE STUDIO SAY WHY 533 00:56:15,651 --> 00:56:22,325 THEY SHUT THE MOVIE DOWN? OH, YOU'LL LOVE THIS. THEY SAID THE SCRIPT IS ALMOST 534 00:56:22,325 --> 00:56:29,098 WORD FOR WORD THE SAME AS THAT BRENDAN FRASER MOVIE, THE WHALE. I SAW IT. 535 00:56:29,098 --> 00:56:33,603 BRENDAN FRASER IS GOING TO WIN AN OSCAR. OH, GOOD FOR HIM. 536 00:56:46,249 --> 00:57:01,230 JACK WHITE! ** ** 537 00:57:01,230 --> 00:57:16,245 * ASK YOURSELF IF YOU ARE HAPPY, AND THEN YOU CEASE TO BE * * THAT'S A TIP FROM YOU AND ME * 538 00:57:16,245 --> 00:57:29,192 * I DON'T ASK MYSELF FOR NOTHING ANYMORE * * MY PEACE IS FREEDOM FROM THE 539 00:57:29,192 --> 00:57:35,765 MASSES * * THE MASSES CANNOT SING * * THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE IN ME * 540 00:57:35,765 --> 00:57:51,814 * AND I KNOW FOR SURE I DON'T NEED NOBODY'S HELP NOW ANYMORE * ** 541 00:57:51,814 --> 00:58:08,531 * WILL I BE ALONE TONIGHT, OH, I DON'T KNOW * * OH, LEAVE ME ALONE TONIGHT, 542 00:58:08,531 --> 00:58:19,475 OH, I DON'T KNOW * ** * EVERYWHERE HE GOES, SOMEONE 543 00:58:19,475 --> 00:58:29,452 SEEMS TO KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT THE THINGS HE USED TO DO * * AND THAT'S HARD FOR YOU, IT'S 544 00:58:29,452 --> 00:58:40,997 SO HARD TO BE THE ONE WHO KNOWS IT'S TRUE * * I'M WALKING THROUGH THE 545 00:58:40,997 --> 00:58:45,001 PARKING LOT, FINGERS ARE CLENCHING TIGHT, AND THEN I NOTICE THAT I'M ALL ALONE 546 00:58:45,001 --> 00:58:53,476 TONIGHT * * BUT IT'S HARD TO TELL FOR SURE IF I EVEN NEED TO THINK NOW 547 00:58:53,476 --> 00:59:09,459 ANYMORE * ** * OH, WILL I BE ALONE TONIGHT, 548 00:59:09,459 --> 00:59:27,243 OH, I DON'T KNOW * * OH, WILL LOVE LEAVE ME ALONE TONIGHT, OH, I DON'T KNOW * 549 00:59:27,243 --> 00:59:32,782 * OH, WILL LOVE LEAVE ME ALONE TONIGHT, OH, I DON'T KNOW * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 550 00:59:37,854 --> 00:59:43,092 AND NOW, TWO MEN SPEAK IN HELLO. 551 00:59:43,092 --> 00:59:47,964 MIND IF I USE MY KENNEL BELLS NEXT TO YOU? ONLY IF YOU'LL SPOT ME. 552 00:59:47,964 --> 00:59:56,706 I ALREADY DID FROM ACROSS THE ROOM. I LIKE YOUR SUIT. 553 00:59:56,706 --> 01:00:01,511 I ALWAYS THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO WORE ONE. WELL, I'M COMING FROM A 554 01:00:01,511 --> 01:00:04,247 WEDDING. WHOSE? MY OWN. 555 01:00:04,247 --> 01:00:10,620 HER NAME IS ASHLEY OR SOMETHING. SHE SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL. WELL, SHE LOOKS UGLY. 556 01:00:10,620 --> 01:00:16,359 SHE HAS A FACE FOR A KN-95. THAT'S WHY I COME HERE, TO ESCAPE. 557 01:00:16,359 --> 01:00:23,866 ME TOO. AND THE MUSIC EXHILARATES ME SO. CAN WE TURN IT UP, MORRIS? 558 01:00:23,866 --> 01:00:33,476 OF COURSE, SIR. THAT'S BEAUTIFUL. WHAT IS THAT YOU'RE PLAYING? 559 01:00:33,476 --> 01:00:43,086 A BIG PIANO, SIR. AH, I THOUGHT SO. SO IS IT LEG DAY? 560 01:00:43,086 --> 01:00:47,256 I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T CELEBRATE THAT IN MY CULTURE. 561 01:00:47,256 --> 01:00:52,128 OF COURSE. WELL, IT'S CHEAT DAY FOR ME. DOES THAT MEAN -- 562 01:00:52,128 --> 01:00:57,200 I'M ALLOWED TO COMMIT ADULTERY, YES. I SHOULD TELL YOU I'M ALSO 563 01:00:57,200 --> 01:01:02,772 MARRIED. YES, I THINK OUR WIVES KNOW EACH OTHER FROM THAT LESBIAN 564 01:01:02,772 --> 01:01:06,209 RELATIONSHIP THEY'RE IN. THAT'S RIGHT. HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT? 565 01:01:06,209 --> 01:01:12,715 I THINK IT'S DISGUSTING. ONE PAIR OF BOOBIES IS BAD ENOUGH. 566 01:01:12,715 --> 01:01:15,585 SAY, DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE MACHINE? I LIKE THE ONE THAT MAKES THE 567 01:01:15,585 --> 01:01:20,289 TOAST. I MEANT ONE AT THE GYM. OH. 568 01:01:20,289 --> 01:01:28,831 I GUESS IT'S A TIE BETWEEN THE COBBLESTONE TREADMILL AND THE STATIONARY VESPA. 569 01:01:28,831 --> 01:01:38,040 HMM. THIS GYM IS SO CLASSY IT SHOULD BE CALLED JAMES. 570 01:01:38,040 --> 01:01:44,514 NOW, EXCUSE ME. I'M GOING TO USE THE ROWING MACHINE. 571 01:01:44,514 --> 01:01:52,255 BOAT RIMES WITH FLOAT, COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOTE. 572 01:01:52,255 --> 01:01:56,859 WOW. LOOK AT YOU GO, GIRL. THANKS FOR NOTICING. 573 01:01:56,859 --> 01:02:02,598 I'VE REALLY BEEN GOING BEAST MODE LATELY IN THAT I KEEP A BEAUTIFUL ROSE UNDER A BELL JAR. 574 01:02:02,598 --> 01:02:08,971 OF COURSE. OH, SHOOT. I FORGOT MY PROTEIN POWDER. 575 01:02:08,971 --> 01:02:13,443 I BROUGHT SOME. AH. MAY I BORROW? 576 01:02:13,443 --> 01:02:19,348 OF COURSE. HOW DO YOU TAKE IT? HERE AND HERE. 577 01:02:19,348 --> 01:02:24,120 GOOD. THANK YOU. ARE YOU GOING TO WIPE THE 578 01:02:24,120 --> 01:02:26,155 MACHINE? WIPE? WHY? 579 01:02:26,155 --> 01:02:34,497 DID IT DOO DOO? DID IT DOO DOO, THAT SOUNDS LIKE MORSE CODE. 580 01:02:34,497 --> 01:02:39,335 WELL, I WAS IN THE ARMY. BTS. AND I WAS IN THE NAVY. 581 01:02:39,335 --> 01:02:45,441 RIHANNA. I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY USED THAT MACHINE BEFORE, BUT I LIKE HOW 582 01:02:45,441 --> 01:02:53,216 THERE'S A POSTER THAT SHOWS YOU HOW TO DO THE EXERCISE. AH, IT LOOKS LIKE TWO FELLOWS 583 01:02:53,216 --> 01:02:59,355 EXPLORING EACH OTHER'S BODIES. IT'S HELPFUL EITHER WAY. YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE CAN BE SO 584 01:02:59,355 --> 01:03:01,124 SENSUAL. LOOK, MY GYM CRUSH IS OVER THERE. 585 01:03:01,124 --> 01:03:10,266 I SEE YOU. WHAT A HUNK. THIS GYM REALLY IS A PLACE FOR 586 01:03:10,266 --> 01:03:14,103 EVERYONE. ROID BOYS, YOGA GIRLS, GYM RATS. LOOK. 587 01:03:14,103 --> 01:03:23,613 THERE'S A GYM RAT OVER THERE. WOW. WHAT A GREAT DAY AT THE MOST 588 01:03:23,613 --> 01:03:27,984 BEAUTIFUL GYM IN THE WORLD. I'M BEGINNING TO THINK I'VE MADE A NEW BEST FRIEND. 589 01:03:27,984 --> 01:03:33,489 AS HAVE I, FRIEND. NOW SHALL WE GET BACK TO OUR WORKOUT? 590 01:03:33,489 --> 01:03:38,161 GREAT IDEA. THERE'S NOTHING LIKE A GOOD OLD -- OH, NO! 591 01:03:38,161 --> 01:03:44,367 I TORE MY ACL. WHAT DOES THAT STAND FOR? MY ASS CRACK AND LEGS. 592 01:03:44,367 --> 01:03:48,137 OH, NO. I THINK WE'VE DONE ENOUGH FOR TODAY. 593 01:03:48,137 --> 01:03:51,407 WE'VE ALREADY WORKED THE MOST IMPORTANT MUSCLE. THE PECTORALS? 594 01:03:51,407 --> 01:03:55,144 THE PECTORALS? CLOSE. THE HEART. 595 01:04:22,438 --> 01:04:29,946 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ON BEHALF OF EVERYBODY HERE AT SNL, I WOULD LIKE TO PRESENT THIS 596 01:04:29,946 --> 01:04:41,124 FIVE-TIMERS JACKET TO JACK WHITE. I GOT YOU, BABY. 597 01:04:41,124 --> 01:04:53,269 THERE IT IS. VERY NICE, VERY NICE. WHOO!