All language subtitles for Saturday.Night.Live.S48E09.WEB.x264-TORRENTGALAXY_Track03

HELLO.
THIS IS DONALD TRUMP, HOPEFULLY,

YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT OF ALL
TIME.
BETTER THAN LINCOLN, BETTER THAN

WASHINGTON.
FRANKLY, BETTER THAN EZRA.
YOU, YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS

WEEK, I MADE A MAJOR
ANNOUNCEMENT.
I'M DOING MY OFFICIAL FIRST

COLLECTION OF DONALD TRUMP
DIGITAL TRADING CARDS, OR
NIFTIES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY
ARE, BUT THEY'RE TREMENDOUS.
THEY FEATURE INCREDIBLE ARTWORK,

FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I WAS AN
ASTRONAUT OR ME RIDING BIG
ELEPHANT.

TRUMP CARDS ARE EACH $99.
SEEMS LIKE A LOT.
SEEMS LIKE A SCAM, AND IN MANY

WAYS IT IS, BUT WE LOVE THE
TRUMP CARDS, WE LOVE THEM.
YOU CAN ALSO GET THEM FOR FREE

BY GOING ONLINE AND LOOKING AT
THEM, MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW.
TAKING A SCREEN SHOT OR

SOMETHING.
BUT WE'D REALLY PREFER IT IF
YOU'D SEND THE $99.

YOU'LL GET ME AS A COWBOY.
OR ME MELTING BIDEN'S ICE CREAM
WITH MY BIG LASER EYES.

IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE POKEMON,
BUT TRUST ME, IT'S NOT POKEMON.
I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NO DISRESPECT

TO MY VERY GOOD FRIENDS, AND WHO
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WONDERING,
CAN THEY FIGHT?

THE ANSWER IS YES.
WHO WILL WIN, BETWEEN TRUMP
CROSSING THE DELAWARE AND TRUMP

BEING MATRIX?
AND.
BEST PART IS, EACH CARD COMES

WITH AN AUTOMATIC CHANCE TO WIN
AN EXCLUSIVE MYSTERY PRIZE WHERE
YOU GET TO PICK ANYTHING OUT OF

THIS NICE BOX.
NOW, REMEMBER, WHEN YOU BUY A
CARD, YOU DON'T GET TO PICK

WHICH ONE.
YOU MIGHT GET ME ON THE COVER OF
A ROMANCE NOVEL, ME DOING

SPLITS, ME DOING "TITANIC."
OR EVEN ME AS JESSICA RABBIT.
WOW.

LOOK AT THE LEGS ON HER.
PERHAPS I WOULD DATE HER IF SHE
WEREN'T ME.

NOW TO HELP ME SAY MORE, MY
THIRD LEAST EMBARRASSING CHILD.
HEY, DAD.

VERY FUNNY.
AND IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE FOR
THE LAUNCH OF THIS AMAZING

TOTALLY LEGIT PRODUCT.
THESE CARDS ARE FANTASTIC AND A
STEAL.

AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
$99?
YOU CAN GET TWO GRAMS FOR THAT.

WHILE I'M HERE, I ALSO WANTED TO
SHARE, I'M SELLING A NEW
CHRISTMAS CD FROM MY FIANCE

KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE.
HEY, BABE, GET THAT LITTLE FINE
BUTT OUT HERE.

THANK YOU.
WOO!
THANK YOU, AND I KNOW YOU'RE

GOING TO LOVE THIS CHRISTMAS
ALBUM THAT I'M CALLING "NOW
THAT'S WHAT NO ONE CALLS MUSIC."

I GUARANTEE, YOU'LL SLEEP IN
HEAVENLY PEACE!
BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU.
OKAY.
THERE THEY GO.

WHAT A TERRIBLE COUPLE.
SO GET YOUR TRUMP DIGITAL
TRADING CARDS TODAY.

THEY SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF
EVERYONE'S CHRISTMAS LIST,
REALLY.

YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T WE BRING UP
MY CHRISTMAS LIST.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I BROUGHT THAT BACK, SAYING
MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN.
IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO

CHRISTIANS AND TO JEWISH PEOPLE
AS WELL.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I WAS VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS.
FOUR IF YOU INCLUDE EPSTEIN.
BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS ALL OVER.

WITH TREE AND TOY AND SANTA.
WE LOVE SANTA, EXCEPT MAYBE
RON DE-SANTA.

HE LOOKS LIKE A ROBLOx.
HE'S NOT MUCH OF A SANTA, IS HE?
HE'S MORE OF A GRINCH.

AND WE ALL REMEMBER GRINCH STOLE
CHRISTMAS, BUT I GOT IT BACK.
DURING MY ADMINISTRATION I

BROKERED A HISTORIC DEAL WITH
GRINCH AND NETANYAHU AND WE
AGREED CHRISTMAS WOULD NEVER BE

STOLEN AGAIN, LIKE HOW THE
WHITES TRY TO STEAL THE NAVI IN
AVATAR.

AND YOU LOOK AT SAM WORTHINGTON.
HE'S A GREAT FATHER.
HE'S GOT FIVE KIDS NOW.

I'VE GOT FOUR KIDS, FIVE, IF YOU
INCLUDE TIFFANY, BUT HE'S A
GREAT NAVIDAD.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
* *
IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

MUSICAL GUEST LIZZO.
AND YOUR HOST AUSTIN BUTLER.

* *
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE
HOSTING THE SNL CHRISTMAS SHOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NOW LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS SHOW
WAS CANCELED, BECAUSE EVERYONE

GOT COVID.
SO THIS YEAR WE CAME UP WITH A
FOOLPROOF PLAN TO ENSURE NO ONE

WOULD GET COVID.
WE STOPPED TESTING.
[ LAUGHTER ]

I DO WANT TO ADDRESS SOMETHING.
THERE'S PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO SAY
THAT EVER SINCE I PLAYED ELVIS

MY VOICE CHANGED.
IT GOT DEEPER, MORE ELVIS-Y?
THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I'VE ALWAYS SOUNDED LIKE THIS.
I CAN PROVE IT.
HERE'S A CLIP FROM AIN'T VIEW I

DID TEN YEARS AGO.
HOW EXCITED ARE YOU TO BE
SEBASTIAN ON THE CARRIE DIARIES?

I'M VERY EXCITED.
IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPERIENCE SO
FAR.

SEE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T

KNOW THAT I STARTED ACTING WHEN
I WAS A KID.
AND EVEN BACK THEN I WAS DRAWN

TOWARD INTENSE IMMERSIVE ACTING,
LIKE I WAS 12, AND I WOULD DO
THESE PARTS ON NICKELODEON OR

DISNEY SHOWS, BUT MEANWHILE
STUDYING MOVIES LIKE "RAGING
BULL" AND "TAXI DRIVER", AND I'D

SHOW UP ON SET AND BE LIKE, "I
DIDN'T SCREW YOUR WIFE" THE AND
DIRECTOR WOULD BE LIKE, CUT,

AUSTIN.
PUT THE KNIFE DOWN.
YOU'RE SCARING ICARLY.

WHEN I WASN'T ACTING, I WAS A
REALLY SHY KID, LIKE REALLY SHY.
BUT LUCKILY, MY MOM DECIDED TO

HOME SCHOOL ME AND MY SISTER, SO
I WAS ALSO WEIRD.
BY THE WAY, MY SISTER IS HERE

TONIGHT.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ASHLEY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WE GREW UP IN ANAHEIM,
CALIFORNIA.
HENCE THE SOUTHERN ACCENT.

AND SINCE WE HOME SCHOOLED,
SOMETIMES MY MOM WOULD SAY,
WE'RE TAKING THE DAY OFF, AND

WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND, AND
WE'D BE SO EXCITED.
BUT THEN BY LIKE THE NINTH TIME

THAT SHE DID THAT, I WAS LIKE, I
DON'T THINK MOM KNOWS HOW TO
TEACH.

BUT I LOVE MY MOM.
SOME OF MY FAVORITE MEMORIES
FROM GROWING UP ARE WATCHING SNL

WITH HER.
AND WE'D WATCH EVERY WEEK.
WE'D WATCH EVERY WEEK.

AND EVEN THOUGH, EVEN THOUGH I
HAD THIS CRIPPLING SHYNESS, WHEN
I WAS MY MOM, I'D JUST DO

ANYTHING TO MAKE HER LAUGH.
I DO RIDICULOUS FACES AND
VOICES, I DID THIS RIDICULOUS

GOLUM IMPRESSION.
MY MOM LIKE ALL MOMS WAS A HUGE
GOLUM FAN.

BUT REALLY BEING SILLY WITH HER
IS WHAT BROKE ME OUT OF MY SHELL
AND THE CORE OF WHAT STARTED ME

IN ACTING.
MY MOM IS NO LONGER WITH US.
BUT I BEEN THINKING ABOUT HER A

LOT THIS WEEK, JUST IMAGINING
HOW PROUD SHE'D BE OF HER SON
WHO USED TO NOT BE ABLE TO ORDER

FOOD FOR MYSELF ON A RESTAURANT
IS NOW STANDING ON THIS STAGE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND TONIGHT, JUST KNOW THAT
ANYTIME YOU SEE ME DOING A SILLY
VOICE OR MAKING A FUNNY FACE,

THAT'S FOR YOU, MOM.
AND, SO.
[ APPLAUSE ]

WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
LIZZO IS HERE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
STICK AROUND.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

* *
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HEY, EVERYBODY.

I'M DAN SMATTER, AND WELCOME TO
ANOTHER GREAT ROUND OF THE
PHRASE THAT PAYS, THE GAME THE

THREE PLAYERS WILL FIND THE
MISSING LETTERS IN OUR PUZZLES
FOR BIG, BIG PRIZES.

YES?
SO THIS IS "WHEEL OF FORTUNE"
WITH NO WHEEL?

DON'T DO THAT.
THAT'S NOT NICE.
WE HAVE THREE GREAT CONTESTANTS.

EBY, TROY, AND BETH!
WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A FUN
FACT FROM EVERYBODY.

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWN THE
LINE AND TELL EVERYONE YOUR
AGES.

REALLY?
OKAY.
36.

34.
NO.
GREAT, WELL, LET'S LOOK AT

YOUR FIRST PUZZLE.
THE CATEGORY IS SONG, AND EBY,
LET'S START WITH YOU.

MY FAVORITE LETTER IS B,
BECAUSE I'M A BAD ONE, BUT I'M
GOING TO SAVE THAT FOR LATER ON

IN THE GAME.
FOR NOW, LET'S JUST GO WITH T.
THERE IS ONE T.

YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO
SOLVE.
OH, MAMA.

MAMA SAID, MAMA WHALE, MAMA.
I'M SORRY, EBY, IT'S NOT
ANYTHING MAMA.

TROY, YOU'RE UP.
OKAY, IT'S NOT HOTEL
CALIFORNIA, IS IT?

WHOA.
TROY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING
TO GUESS ANOTHER LETTER THERE,

BUT YOU WENT AND SOLVED THE
WHOLE THING, HOW DID YOU DO
THAT?

YEAH, HOW DID YOU DO THAT?
YOU SAID IT WAS A SONG AND
HOTEL CALIFORNIA IS A SONG.

SO I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS "HOTEL
CALIFORNIA."
WELL, YOU'VE BANKED A

THOUSAND DOLLARS.
HERE'S OUR NEXT PUZZLE.
THE NEXT CATEGORY IS BOOKS.

AND WE'LL START WITH BETH.
I'VE GOT A LOT OF LETTERS
GOING THROUGH MY MIND RIGHT NOW,

TRYING TO THINK OF A COMMON ONE.
HOW ABOUT X.
SORRY, THERE IS NO X.

YES, THERE IS.
I SEE ONE RIGHT THERE.
THAT JUST COMES UP WHEN YOU

MAKE A WRONG GUESS.
THAT IS A LITTLE CONFUSING.
EBY, YOU'RE UP.

I'M NOT READY TO USE MY B
JUST YET, IS THERE A C?
THERE'S ONE C.

YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS.
MAMA WON'T, DADDY WILL?
DADDY MAMA DID.

MAMA --
I'M SORRY, EBY, TIME'S UP.
I WAS SO CLOSE.

NOT EVEN IN THE BALLPARK.
TROY?
IS IT ALL THE LIGHT WE CANNOT

SEE BY ANTHONY DUER?
AMAZING.
ARE YOU A BOOK LOVER, TROY?

NO, I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T LOVE
THAT, YET.
READ A BOOK?

NO, IT'S ON MY LIST.
OKAY, OKAY.
SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE NEED A NEW PUZZLE.
BECAUSE TROY'S ON A ROLL, AND

TROY, YOUR CATEGORY IS FAMOUS
QUOTES.
WELL, MY FAVORITE LETTER IS

B, BECAUSE I'M A BAD ONE.
WHAT?
SO I'M GOING TO SAY B.

FIVE SECONDS.
WOW.
I AM COMPLETELY STUMPED, YEAH.

I HAVE NO IDEA.
MY MIND IS A TOTAL BLANK.
I GIVE UP.

OH, MY GOD.
THAT'S RIGHT!
WHAT?

THAT IS NOT A FAMOUS QUOTE.
YES, IT IS.
IT SAYS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN SAID

IT WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO THINK
OF THE LIGHT BULB.
OKAY, WELL, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

HE HAS A DEVICE IN HIS ASS LIKE
THAT CHESS PLAYER.
NO, I DON'T.

WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE
CATEGORY, WHICH IS MEDICINE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO GUESS, BETH OR

WOULD YOU RATHER COMPLAIN?
FINE, FINE, I'LL PLAY, AND I
GOT TO GO WITH MY GUT.

X.
THERE'S NO X.
YES, THERE IS!

NO, THERE ISN'T.
TROY, THE CATEGORY IS MEDICINE.
OH, WOW, I DON'T KNOW

ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.
IS IT ELLEN POMPEO FEELS SUPER
HAPPY AFTER "GREY'S ANATOMY"

EXIT?
HE'S DEFINITELY CHEATING, AND
THERE'S AN X IN THAT.

WHAT?
OH, YEAH, SORRY.
WHO CARES.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PHRASE
THAT PAYS.
* *

THAT PAYS.
* *
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICH, YOU KNOW I'M JUST
LOOKING OUT FOR YOU, NOW COME
ON.

GIVE ME WERE YOUR CAR KEYS, YOU
AROUND DRIVE HOME TONIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT FOR A

WALK HOME ANYHOW.
SAY, RICH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
OUT HERE DRINKING ON CHRISTMAS

EVE?
AIN'T YOU GOT NO FAMILY?
FAMILY?

WHO NEEDS FAMILY?
WHAT ABOUT THAT GIRL, DENISE,
YOU BEEN GOING AROUND WITH?

WHY AREN'T YOU WITH HER?
CALLED THAT WHOLE THING OFF,
JIMBO.

YOU KNOW ME, I'M A LONE WOLF.
THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT.
TRYIN' MY BEST, BOSS.

TRYIN' MY BEST.
FAMILY.
WHO WOULD WANT TO GET TIED DOWN

TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
NOT ME, I TELL YOU.
NO SIRREE.

* *
LOOK AT THEM.
SO MUCH LOVE.

THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF
ALL THESE YEARS.
SO BEAUTIFUL.

STEVEN, THERE IS A MAN
STARING AT US THROUGH OUR
WINDOW.

YES, I SEE HIM TOO.
JUST STAY CALM.
ACT LIKE HE ISN'T THERE.

HE'LL LOSE INTEREST, AND HE'LL
LEAVE.
I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE

RUNNING, AND FOR WHAT?
JUST TO BE ALL ALONE ON
CHRISTMAS EVE?

HE ISN'T LEAVING.
JANINE, RELAX.
HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN THERE IS

A PERVERT LURKING IN OUR WINDOW?
HE'S TRYING TO FREAK US OUT,
JANINE.

THAT'S WHAT GETS HIM OFF.
DON'T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION
OH, I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED

DENISE.
I DROVE HER AWAY.
LOOK AT YOU!

YOU MAKE ME SICK!
YOU RUINED MY LIFE!
DAD?

I THINK THE MAN WANTS TO KILL
ME.
STEVEN, HE IS SCARING OUR

CHILDREN.
STOP JUST SITTING THERE AND BE A
MAN.

WHAT DO YOU WANT, JANINE?
I WANT YOU TO PROTECT THIS
FAMILY.

GO OUT THERE AND MAKE HIM
LEAVE, DAD, PLEASE!
I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE, ARE

YOU CRAZY?
DON'T LOOK AT HIM.
HE'LL LEAVE.

ARE YOU A COWARD.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?
WASTING YEARS AT THE OFFICE,

WORKING DAY IN AND DAY OUT!
WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT?
FANCY SUIT!

SILK TIE!
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?
HE IS EXPOSING HIMSELF.

WELL, SORRY, I DON'T WANT TO
GET KILLED, JANINE.
YOU ARE PATHETIC, AND THAT'S

WHY I DID WHAT I DID LAST
SUMMER.
WHAT HAPPENED LAST SUMMER?

YOUR MOTHER STEPPED OUTSIDE
OF OUR MARRIAGE.
WHAT?

GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE AT
LIFE.
LET ME START AGAIN AND HAVE A

PERFECT FAMILY, LIKE THIS.
MOM, HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON
DAD?

BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN
ATTRACTED TO HIM IN YEARS!
COME ON, RICH.

GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF.
KENDALL, ARE YOU AN ANGEL?
YEAH.

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YOU GOT TO HELP ME.
I'VE WASTED MY WHOLE LIFE.

OH, MY GOD.
KIDS, DON'T LOOK AT THE MAN,
DON'T LOOK AT THE MAN.

LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!
NOW I'LL NEVER HAVE A FAMILY.
I WOULDN'T BE TOO SURE OF

THAT.
RICH?
RICH IS THAT YOU?

DENISE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
OH, I WAS JUST PASSING BY.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU,
RICH.
WELL, DENISE, WOULD YOU

PLEASE TAKE ME BACK?
I'M READY TO HAVE A FAMILY NOW.
OH, RICH, OF COURSE I WILL!

NICE WORK, BOSS.
NICE WORK.
I THINK HE'S LEAVING.

YEAH, YEAH, GET OUT OF HERE,
BEAT IT!
YOU HEAR ME?

SEE, I GOT RID OF HIM.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ANYMORE,
YOU'RE SAFE NOW.

WAY TO GO, DAD.
WAY TO GO, DAD.
WOW, WHAT A HERO.

WOW, WHAT A HERO.
* *
[ APPLAUSE ]

YEARN FOR THIS TIME OF YEAR?
THE SWEET TREAT THEY ASK SANTA
FOR?

THE CONFECTION THEY DREAM OF
MOST OF ALL?
IS IT CANDY CANES?

HERSHEY KISSES? NO, IT'S
MARZIPAN!
YAY!

THAT'S RIGHT, MARZIPAN.
THE MOSTLY ALMOND, ALMOST CANDY
FROM GERMANY, WITH THE FLAVOR OF

NUTS BUT THE TEXTURE OF NUTS.
AND WHAT WAS HIS NAME?
MARZIPAN.

MARZIPAN.
MARZIPAN.
MARZIPAN.

IT COMES IN ANY SHAPE THAT
YOU CAN THINK OF AS LONG AS YOU
THINK OF BANANA.

MINE'S AN APPLE.
MINE'S A PEAR.
MINE'S AN UNSHAPED LOG.

ME TOO.
MINE IS, YAAAAAA.
THAT'S RIGHT.

THE CHILD'S CHOICE.
THE CANDY WITH AS MUCH PROTEIN
AS A BITE OF STEAK, BUT DON'T

TAKE IT FROM ME.
TAKE IT FROM THESE STRANGE
BRITISH CHILDREN.

I LOVE MARZIPAN.
YOU CAN ALMOST TASTE THE TASTE.
I USED TO THINK THAT THE BEST

CANDY WAS CIRCUS PEANUTS, BUT
NOW I KNOW IT'S MARZIPAN.
IF A STRANGER SAID TO ME,

COME IN MY CAR, I'VE GOT CANDY,
I'D SAY NO!
BUT IF THEY SAID I'VE GOT

MARZIPAN, I'D SAY ABDUCT ME,
BABY!
AS SOON AS YOU FINISH ONE,

YOU'LL WANT ANOTHER, AND THAT'S
PROBABLY ENOUGH.
JUST REMEMBER, DON'T EAT IT

WITHIN 12 HOURS OF GOING TO
SLEEP OR AFTER 12 HOURS OF
WAKING UP.

AND NOW, CHILDREN, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SEE OUR EXPERT CHEF
MAKING A FRESH BATCH?

ME!
I'M OLDEST.
HELLO THERE, I'M MAKING

MARZIPAN.
IS THE RECIPE A SECRET?
YES.

IS IT JUST ALMONDS?
YES.
DO YOU MUSH THEM UP?

YES.
AND THEN IT'S MARZIPAN?
YES!

WAIT, LET'S SEE IF THE BATCH
IS READY!
MM.

YUCK, IT'S PERFECT!
ALL DONE!
AND, REMEMBER, IT MUST BE

REFRIGERATED AND CONSUMED WITHIN
50 YEARS.
IT WILL NEVER LAST THAT LONG.

NOW LOOK WHAT WE HAVE,
CHILDREN.
IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS?

THAT'S RIGHT, A BRAND-NEW
PACK OF M.
MINE'S A LITTLE PIG.

LOOK, MINE'S A BABY'S ASS.
I THINK THAT'S A PEAR.
MINE'S A LITTLE ME.

OH, NO!
ONE IS MISSING.
SOMEONE HAS STOLE AND MARZIPAN!

OH, SILLY ME!
ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN, IT'S TIME
FOR THE BIG NUMBER, THE MARZIPAN

REEL.
* *
* *

* *
* *
AND NOW THE SONG.

I MEAN VERY GOOD SEATS.
I DIDN'T REALIZE THE
RETIREMENT HOME HAD ITS OWN

THEATER.
THIS IS IMPRESSIVE.
THE OASIS HAS IT ALL.

COMPETENT LOCKER ROOMS.
AND A STEAKHOUSE WHERE
EVERYTHING IS WELL DONE.

YOU HAVE THE SERVICE
GRANDMA, WHAT'S WRONG WITH
LOIS?

OH, MY GOD, OH, MY FREAKIN'
GOD, IT'S REALLY HAPPENING.
SHE'S JUST EXCITED FOR THE

SHOW.
WE ALL ARE.
THE FIRST NIGHT OF HANUKKAH,

THEY ALL KICK THINGS OFF WITH A
BANG.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT

WE'RE SO EXCITED TO SEE.
OH, MY GOD, THERE HE IS.
* *

OH, MY GOD!
OH, MY GOD!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY

MUCH!
CAN SOMEBODY TURN UP THE AC?
I'M SCHIMTZING LIKE A FREAKIN'

HOUND DOG.
EH, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
IT'S LAS VEGAS.

OH, MY GOD, I'M SO HORNY I'M
GOING TO FRIGGIN' EXPLODE.
I DON'T GET IT.

HE'S JEWISH ELVIS.
HE'S ABOUT TO SING!
QUIET, HE'S ABOUT TO SING.

* WISE MEN SAY *
WHO NEEDS WISE MEN?
WHY ARE THEY SO WISE?

* ONLY FOOLS RUSH IN *
WHY ARE THEY RUSHING?
EVERYBODY JUST RELAX.

* I CAN'T HELP *
I COULD HELP, I DON'T WANT
TO, I'M TIRED.

MY BACK HURTS.
* I CAN'T HELP ORDERING A DIET
COKE EVERY SINGLE RESTAURANT I

GO TO *
HE SINGS LIKE A FREAKIN'
ANGEL, OH, MY GOD.

I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF
SINGING, BUT IT'S MOSTLY
COMPLAINING.

YEAH, HE'S JEWISH ELVIS,
HELLO!
ARE YOU STUPID?

ANYBODY WANT TO SEE ME DO A
LITTLE MOVE?
* *

OH, I'M LIKE NIAGARA FALLS
OVER HERE.
OH, MY CHAIR IS GOING TO

FREAKIN' DROWN.
OH, OH.
RUIN ME, JEWISH ELVIS!

RUIN ME!
GROSS.
NO THANK YOU!

I THINK YOUR EVERYTHING BAGEL
GOT A LITTLE TOO MUCH CREAM
CHEESE ON IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M

SAYING?
THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY
LIFE.

NIGHT?
IT IS 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON.
OH, MY GOD, I GOT SHMUTZ ALL

OVER MY FRIGGIN' SUIT.
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS A DISASTER!
DID HE JUST SAY ZIZASTER?

IT'S HIS FAMOUS CATCH PHRASE.
WOO, WOO!
HELLO, SORRY, EVERYONE, I'M

BURT, THE DIRECTOR OF THE
RETIREMENT HOME.
GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF THE

STAGE.
YOU'RE BLOCKIN' JEWISH ELVIS!
LADIES, CALM DOWN.

APPARENTLY SOMEBODY BROKE THE
TOILET IN THE HANDICAP STALL,
COMPLETELY COVERED IN

RHINESTONES, SOMEONE SAID THERE
WAS A MAN SCREAMING IN THERE
SAYING THIS WAS A ZISATER.

ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY?
GET OFF THE STAGE.
GUYS, WHERE'S LOIS?

I DON'T KNOW.
OH, MY GOD, SHE'S ON STAGE.
SING IT WITH ME!

* MY STOMACH HURTS *
* I'VE GOT A BAD CRAMP *
*

TOGETHER.
* I THINK I ACCIDENTLY HAD
DAIRY *

ALL TOGETHER NOW.
* WE CAN'T GO ON TOGETHER *
*

* WITH DELICIOUS CHEESE *
* WITH DELICIOUS CHEESE *
* WE ALL GOT DIARRHEA *

* FROM DELICIOUS CHEESE *
HAPPY HANUKKAH, EVERYONE,
FROM JEWISH ELVIS!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LIZZO.
**
* I TALKED TO MY

GIRLFRIENDS YESTERDAY *
* THEY REMINDED ME OF WHEN
YOU HAD ME CRYIN' *

* IN MY CAR
AND THEN WHEN YOU CAME *
* TO MY BARBECUE

THEY ALL GAVE YOU ATTITUDE *
* WELL, SHOOT, EVERY REASON
THEY MAD AT YOU IS TRUE *

* BUT WE PROMISED TO MAKE UP
EVEN IF IT'S GON' TAKE US *
* ALL OF OUR LIVES

I'M WILLING TO *
* GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY
WE NEED TO DO THIS LIKE *

* LOVE'S ON THE LINE
THIS TIME *
* BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER

OOH, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER *
* BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER
WATCH OUT *

* 'CAUSE BOY, YOU KNOW
ME BETTER *
* YOU KNOW ME SO MUCH BETTER

YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T
BREAK UP TWICE *
**

* AND MY LOVE SO
GOOD IT HURTS *
* YOU MAKE IT WORK 'CAUSE

YOU KNOW MY WORTH *
* AND I CAN HAVE
ANY MAN I WANT *

* BUT I NEVER HAD NOBODY
WITH A LOVE LIKE YOU *
* IT WOULD BE A SHAME NOT

TO SEE THIS THROUGH *
* WHO GON' PUT UP WITH THAT
GEMINI MESS LIKE I DO *

* AND WE PROMISED TO MAKE UP
EVEN IF IT'S GON' TAKE US *
* ALL OF OUR LIVES

I'M WILLING TO *
* GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY
WE NEED TO DO THIS LIKE *

* LOVE'S ON THE LINE
I'M REAL *
* LOVING TAKES TIME

BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER *
* OOH, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER
BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER *

* WATCH OUT
'CAUSE BOY, YOU KNOW *
* ME BETTER

YOU KNOW ME SO MUCH BETTER *
* YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T
BREAK UP *

* YOU KNOW THAT
I DON'T BREAK UP TWICE *
* WOO-OOH

OH *
* OH-OH YEAH
BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER *

* HA-HA-HA
YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T
BREAK UP TWICE *

BREAK UP TWICE *
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE,
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
INSIDERS ARE SAYING THAT THE
HOUSE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE WILL

REFER AT LEAST THREE CRIMINAL
CHARGES AGAINST DONALD TRUMP.
BUT, AFTER THIS WEEK, I THINK

HE'S ALREADY LOCKED DOWN THAT
INSANITY PLEA.
SEMI-RETIRED MANIAC, DONALD

TRUMP, HAS LAUNCHED A
COLLECTION OF DIGITAL NFT
TRADING CARDS DEPICTING HIM IN

VARIOUS COSTUMES INCLUDING
COWBOY, SUPER HERO AND MOST
UNBELIEVABLE, GUY WHO DIDN'T

DODGE THE DRAFT.
I'M HONESTLY JUST RELIEVED THAT
HE'S WEARING AN AMERICAN

MILITARY UNIFORM.
IT'S SUCH A FUNNY MOVE TO GET
INTO NFTs AFTER THE WHOLE MARKET

JUST CRASHED.
IT'S LIKE GETTING INTO KANYE
NOW, WHICH TRUMP ALSO KIND OF

DID.
SAM BANKMAN-FRIED WAS
ARRESTED ON FRAUD CHARGES IN THE

BAHAMAS, I'M GOING TO GUESS,
WHILE SWIMMING IN A TEE SHIRT.
PROSECUTORS ALLEGE THAT

BANKMAN-FRIED TOOK FUNDS FROM
FTX CUSTOMERS TO MAKE LARGE
POLITICAL DONATIONS.

THAT MONEY WILL NOW BE USED TO
MAKE SURE THE CAMERAS OUTSIDE
HIS JAIL CELL AREN'T WORKING.

PRESIDENT BIDEN, SEASON HERE,
GIVING THE EULOGY AT A PIMP'S
FUNERAL, FORMALLY APPROVED NEW

LEGISLATION TO GUARANTEE
PROTECTIONS FOR SAME-SEX AND
INTERRACIAL MARRIAGES, IN A

SIGNING CEREMONY HELD OVER MY
GRANDPA'S DEAD BODY.
GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE,

MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN, WHO LET'S
FACE IT, IS ABSOLUTELY MY TYPE.
COMPLAINED THAT PEOPLE CAN BUY

BUTT PLUGS AT TARGET AND THAT
THEY MELT AND ARE SHAPED LIKE
SANTA.

THIS WEEK, BIDEN ALSO HOSTED
LEADERS OF AFRICAN COUNTRIES FOR
THE U.S. AFRICAN BUSINESS FORUM.

COINCIDENTALLY, U.S. AFRICAN
BUSINESS FORUM IS WHAT THEY CALL
WEEKEND UPDATE IN NIGERIA.

WELL, IT IS CHRISTMAS TIME, A
TIME WHEN NICE CHILDREN GET
PRESENTS, NOT PRESIDENTS, NICE

CHILDREN GET PRESENTS FROM SANTA
AND BAD CHILDREN GET A VISIT
FROM KRAMPUS, HERE TO VISIT US

IS KRAMPUS.
HEY, MICHAEL, HEY, COLIN.
HEY, KRAMPUS.

SO HOW ARE YOU DOING?
I'M GOOD.
I'M A LITTLE BURNT OUT.

I'M SO WRAPPED UP IN THIS JOB.
EVERY YEAR I RISE FROM HELL, RUN
AROUND, KIDNAP ALL THE NAUGHTY

CHILDREN, AND I JUST GO HOME AND
CHECK OUT.
COLIN, YOU EVER WATCH FIVE HOURS

STRAIGHT OF TV AND YOU HAVE
EATEN 40 KIDS.
WAIT, YOU EAT THE KIDS?

THAT'S FINE.
WHAT AM I DOING?
I JUST TURNED 936.

THESE SHOULD BE THE BEST YEARS
OF MY LIFE.
THEN I THINK OF MY DAD AT MY

AGE, HE WAS ONE OF THE ORIGINAL
GAYS AT SODOM, AND HE WAS
MARRIED!

THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF
PRESSURE.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S THIS GREAT

QUOTE ABOUT SHAME.
IT'S THE FEELING THAT PEOPLE ARE
SAYING HURTFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU

WHEN YOU LEAVE THE ROOM, AND I
WAS LIKE, WOW.
LIKE THAT REALLY RESONATED WITH

ME.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHO'S SHAMING YOU?

LIKE PEOPLE IN BAVARIA DRESS
UP LIKE ME, YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF
MY BODY.

YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY
LIVELIHOOD.
AND I'M SORRY.

MY CULTURE IS NOT YOUR COSTUME.
BUT THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
WE DON'T PROTECT QUEER VOICES IN

THIS COUNTRY.
I'M SICK.
OH, I HESITATE TO SAY HORNY,

BUT I DO FEEL THAT'S
APPROPRIATE.
YOU'RE QUEER?

YEAH, I'M A DEMON, I'M QUEER.
THERE'S THIS GREAT LINE,
SHE SAYS THEM HO ACCUSATIONS

WEAK, THEM BITCH ACCUSATIONS
TRUE.
AND THAT REALLY RESONATED WITH

ME.
BECAUSE, YEAH, WHAT I DO ISN'T
GREAT, BUT IT'S LIKE MY

THERAPIST ALWAYS SAYS, KRAMPUS,
YOUR JOB IS TO PUNISH CHILDREN,
NOT YOURSELF.

AND WHO IS YOUR THERAPIST?
GHISLAINE MAXWELL.
OH.

WOW.
SHE'S YOUR THERAPIST?
BECAUSE SHE'S NOT DEAD.

SHE COMMUTES, COLIN.
IT'S HARD, YOU KNOW, I'M RUNNING
AROUND CENTRAL EUROPE ON FOOT BY

MYSELF AND SELF-REPORTING TO
EVERY VILLAGE.
MEANWHILE, I GREW UP SOLIDLY

MIDDLE CLASS.
MY MOTHER WAS A TEACHER.
WHAT DID SHE TEACH?

HOW TO EAT KIDS.
SO AS MUCH AS I WANT TO QUIET
QUIT I SHOW UP, AND I DO THE

WORK.
BECAUSE, I LIKE MYSELF.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT, MY

FRIEND.
WATER'S WARM.
THERE'S A QUOTE ABOUT

SELF-ACCEPTANCE, HE
GHISLAINE IS A BAD THERAPIST.
I'M FALLING APART.

U.S. SCIENTISTS HAVE MADE A
DISCOVERY THAT THEY HOPE WILL
LEAD TO THE REMIX OF IGNITION.

A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT
USING SCREENS TO STOP A CHILD'S
TANTRUMS CAN HARM THEIR ABILITY

TO CONTROL THEIR EMOTIONS.
THE STUDY IS CALLED "ELON MUSK."
THEY ARE WORRIED THAT A

RIVALRY BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP AND
RON DeSANTIS COULD LEAD TO A
CIVIL WAR, WHICH IS PERFECT,

CIVIL WAR, WHICH IS PERFECT,
BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAVE THE
FLAGS.

WEEK WITH OUR FAMILIES, AND HERE
TO TALK ABOUT IT IS MY GREAT
AUNT PAT.

HI, AUNT PAT.
HI, HONEY, YOU LOOK DASHING
AS EVER.

AND MY, HOW IT'S NICE TO BE BACK
ON UPDATE.
YEAH, YEAH, EXCEPT YOU'VE

NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE.
COLIN, WHERE ARE YOUR
MANNERS?

NEVER, EVER QUESTION A LADY,
ESPECIALLY AT CHRISTMAS TIME.
I'M SO SORRY.

WELCOME BACK TO UPDATE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

NOW, COLIN, MANNERS ARE THE GLUE
THAT HOLD SOCIETY TOGETHER.
YOU KNOW YOU DIDN'T EVEN GREET

ME CORRECTLY?
I DIDN'T?
NO, YOU SEE AT CHRISTMAS TIME

YOU ALWAYS GREET YOUR ELDERS
WITH A KISS ON THE LIPS.
WHY, WHY THE LIPS?

MANNERS, COLIN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
OOH, MY APOLOGIES, MS.

SCARLETT.
I'M YOUR AUNT, BOY.
I AM GOING TO NEED A DRINK AFTER

THAT.
WHERE'S MY BUTLER?
MIKEY DAY!

MIKEY DAY!
YES, PAT.
MIKEY, YOU'RE BUTLERING FOR

MY AUNT PAT?
YEAH, I'M NOT IN A LOT OF
SKETCHES, AND I NEED MONEY FOR

CHRISTMAS.
WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU.
I'LL TAKE A SLOW GIN JUICE.

SORRY A SLOW GIN JIZ?
YES, A SLOW GIN JIZ.
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, MIKEY DAY.

THANK YOU.
AND THAT WILL BE ALL, MIKEY
DAY.

THAT WILL BE ALL.
MIKEY, THAT WILL BE ALL.
YOU CAN GO NOW.

AUNT PAT, AUNT PAT.
DID YOU JUST TAP HIS CROTCH?
YOU MEAN A BOUF ON THE GOOCH?

YOU KNOW GASPY LOVES TO BE
GREETED WITH A BOUF ON THE
GOOCH.

GATSBY IS A FICTIONAL
CHARACTER.
COLIN, I JUST SAW ON YOUR

MONITOR, MY SLOW GIN JIZ HAS
ALMOST COMPLETELY WIPED AWAY MY
LIP STAIN.

MIKEY DAY?
YES, PAT.
YES.

LIPSTICK.
YOU APPLY IT TO YOUR LIPS,
THEN YOU PUT YOUR LIPS ON MINE.

OH, MIKEY, YOU REALLY DON'T
HAVE TO.
COLIN, MANNERS, COLIN.

IT'S LIKE BREAKING APART.
ALL RIGHT, MIKEY DAY.
ALL RIGHT.

LOOKS LIKE WE BOTH HAD SMOKED
SALMON FOR DINNER.
MM.

THANK YOU.
OKAY.
OKAY, THANK YOU, MIKEY DAY.

YOU GAVE HIM ONE DOLLAR?
THAT WILL BE ALL, MIKEY DAY.
THAT WILL BE ALL.

AUNT PAT, NONE OF THIS IS
ETIQUETTE.
IT SEEMS LIKE YOU JUST WANT TO

KISS AND FONDLE MOVIE STARS.
COLIN!
MOVIE STARS?

YOU BOYS AREN'T MOVIE STARS.
YOU'RE TV MUPPETS.
AUNT PAT.

AUNT PAT, YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL.
NO, I'M STAYIN' HERE, BECAUSE
I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU.

MIKEY DAY?
MIKEY.
I WANT TO GIVE COLIN HIS

CHRISTMAS GIFT, BUT HIS LIPS ARE
A LITTLE DRY.
MIKEY, DO WHAT YOU DO.

THAT'S OKAY, I PUT ON A
LITTLE LIPSTICK BEFORE I CAME
OUT HERE.

THAT'S OKAY.
OOH.
YES.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
NOW, I'M HAVING A SLOW GIN

JIZ OF MY OWN HERE.
OKAY, NOW ME NOW.
ME NOW.

A LITTLE TONGUE, ALL RIGHT,
OKAY.
THANK YOU, MIKEY DAY.

YOU CAN RUN ALONG NOW.
MY GREAT AUNT
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

A MAN WHO MADE AVIATION
HISTORY BY PARACHUTING OUT OF A
HOT AIR BALLOON 20 MILES ABOVE

THE EARTH HAS DIED AT THE AGE OF
94 WHEN HE FINALLY HIT THE
GROUND.

RESEARCHERS ARE SAYING THAT
FOR MORE THAN A DECADE, THEY
TRACKED A HUMPBACK WHALE AS IT

SWAM OVER 3,000 MILES FROM
CANADA TO HAWAII WITH A BROKEN
SPINE.

THEY EVEN GOT A RECORDING OF ITS
WHALE SONG.
* OW, OW, OW, OW, OW *

2022 IS ALMOST OVER, AND
OOH-WEE, DID A LOT HAPPEN.
HERE TO HELP US MAKE SENSE OF IT

ALL IS TWO-TIME HEISMAN TROPHY
STEALER, CATHY ANNE.
HO, HO, HO, MICHAEL CHO.

YOU LOOK ADORABLE.
I LOVE YOUR SANTA HAT.
IT'S COVERING UP A GIANT OPEN

WOUND.
I GOT A LITTLE SCALPED.
YOU GOT SCALPED?

I FELL ASLEEP ON AN
ESCALATOR.
IT IS JUST A MESS UP HERE.

BUT AT LEAST NOW THE CURTAINS
MATCH THE DRAPES.
YUCK, CATHY ANNE.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
YOU GO TO THE WORST PRAISE
PLACE

AND YOU FIGURE IT OUT.
WHAT'S GOT YOUR GOOSE
TONIGHT?

GLAD YOU ASKED, YOU SEXY
PIECE OF CRAP.
I'M HERE TO SAY GOOD-BYE.

WHERE YOU GOIN'?
TURNS OUT, PRISON.
PRISON?

THE THINGS I'VE ADMITTED TO
YOU ADDED UP.
DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY.

METH, METH AND CRACK.
SONIC ATTACKS.
WHAT THE RUSSIANS DO WITH

SOUND WAVES?
NO, I DID AN UPPER DECKER AT
THE SOFT SERVER AT SONIC.

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DID END UP
WITH PRETTY BAD HEADACHES.
BUT IT WORKED OUT OKAY, BECAUSE

I MADE A PLEA DEAL, I ENDED UP
GETTING LIFE IN PRISON
THAT'S A BAD DEAL.

THEY WANTED TO KILL ME.
THEY BROUGHT THE CHAIR BACK AND
HAD ME TRY THE HAT ON AND

EVERYTHING.
I'M SORRY YOU'RE GOING TO
PRISON.

I'M NOT.
IT'S GOING TO GIVE ME
MUCH-NEEDED STABILITY.

AND I'M NOT TOO SCARED.
I GOT FRIENDS ON THE INSIDE.
THEY SEEM TO BE DOING OKAY.

AND IT'S OKAY, YOU KNOW.
LY A GOOD RUN, I MINE, I MET
YOU.

WE FELL IN LOVE, WE MADE A SEX
TAPE.
CATHY ANNE, YOU GETTING

CAUGHT ON MY RING CAM
MASTURBATING IS NOT A SEX TAPE.
TOMATO, TO-MA-TO.

HERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ME
DOING UPDATE TOGETHER.
WHOA, CATHY ANNE, YOU LOOK SO

DIFFERENT.
WHAT HAPPENED?
OKAY, EXCUSE ME, LOOK AT YOU.

HAVE YOU SEEN YOU NOW VERSUS
WHEN YOU STARTED, MR. SILVER
FOX?

TURNING INTO OBAMA.
ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FAIR, FAIR.
LISTEN, LISTEN.

EVERYBODY HAS TO GO TO JAIL AT
SOME POINT, RIGHT?
JUST MY TIME NOW.

BUT I'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN HERE,
AND I FEEL REALLY LUCKY THAT I
GOT TO HAVE SO MANY OF THE BEST

MOMENTS OF MY LIFE IN THIS PLACE
WITH THESE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE SO
MUCH.

BUT I DON'T KNOW, TAKE THAT WITH
A GRAIN OF SALT GIVE THAN I HAVE
ADDICTION ISSUES.

ANOTHER DRUG ADDICT SAID,
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, AND
THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE THE HOME I

GOT TO YELL OUTSIDE MICHAEL
CHE'S WINDOW.
AND JUST REMEMBER,

AND JUST REMEMBER,
* I DID IT HIGH, CHE *
OH, MY GOD, I LIT IT!

(**)

AND MAYBE NEXT YEAR WE CAN

HOST THIS PARTY IN THE BAHAMAS.
CHEERS, EVERYBODY.
CHEERS.

SERIOUSLY, THANK YOU ALL FOR
COMING TONIGHT.
NOW WHY DON'T WE START THE WHITE

ELEPHANT GIFT EXCHANGE.
DOES EVERYONE KNOW HOW THIS
WORKS?

REMIND ME AGAIN?
WE ALL TAKE TURNS GRABBING
GIFTS, RIGHT?

BUT YOU ONLY PICK WHEN YOUR
NUMBER IS CALLED.
BUT WE CAN STEAL, RIGHT?

EXACTAMUNDO.
WHO'S GOT NUMBER ONE?
THAT WOULD BE ME.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAVE WE GOT
HERE?
MM, THAT'S A CANDLE RIGHT HERE.

LOVE IT.
OKAY WHO'S NEXT?
WHO'S NEXT?

NUMBER TWO RIGHT HERE.
OH, NICE!
A SWEET ASHTRAY, OH, YOU KNOW, I

WAS JUST SAYING I NEEDED
SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
I'M GOING TO USE THIS AS A

CATCHALL BY THE FRONT DOOR OF MY
PLACE SO WHEN I GET HOME FROM A
LONG DAY I CAN PUT ALL MY RINGS

AND BRACELETS AND PLAYING CARDS
AND STUFF FROM MY POCKETS RIGHT
HERE.

TO WHOEVER GOT THIS, THANK YOU,
FOR REAL.
I AM GOING CHERISH THIS FOREVER.

IT IS PERFECT.
LET'S MOVE ON.
I'M NUMBER THREE.

I'M GOING TO STEAL.
I LIKE SHAWN'S GIFT.
SO WHAT, NOW I JUST DON'T GET

A GIFT?
NO, SHAWN, YOU CAN GO BACK TO
THE UNOPEN GIFTS, OR CAN YOU

STEAL.
OKAY, I'LL STEAL MY GIFT
BACK.

NO, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO
THAT.
YEAH, YOU HAVE TO GRAB

SOMEONE ELSE'S.
THAT'S NOT FAIR THAT YOU
SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT,

THAT'S LIKE MEAN.
THAT'S MEAN AS HELL.
YOU KNOW WHAT, AVA?

YOU ARE A WICKED LITTLE WOMAN.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, SHAWN, I'M
GOING TO NEED TO YOU CHILLAX.

THAT'S OUT GAME IS PLAYED,
DUDE.
YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE

SOMEONE'S GIFT FOR THEM IF IT'S
RIGHT FOR THEM.
FOR EXAMPLE, I WOULDN'T TAKE

JANETTE'S SCENTED CANDLE BECAUSE
LETTER HOUSE STINKS.
WHAT?

WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU NEED
THAT CANDLE.
WE'VE ALL BEEN TO YOUR HOUSE.

IT'S OKAY, JUST TAKE A
DIFFERENT GIFT.
ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER.

ARE YOU GOING TO OPEN IT?
WHY?
IT'S JUST GOING TO SUCK.

HEY, LET'S ALL TAKE A CHILL
PILL AND PUSH THROUGH.
THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN,

REMEMBER?
WHO'S NEXT?
JANETTE, COULD I GET A WHIFF

YOUR CANDLE?
I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS
GOING.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO USE
IT, TO SMOKE DOPE?
SHAWN!

LOOK AT HER, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY
DOPED OUT OF HER HEAD RIGHT NOW.
TOTAL DOPEHEAD.

YOU'RE GOING A CHILD.
JUST OPEN YOUR GIFT.
LET'S SEE WHAT CRAP AWAITS.

IT'S ADDRESSED TO ME.
WHO WROTE MY NAME ON THIS ONE?
OH, MY GOODNESS.

IT'S THE SAME CATCHALL, BUT IN
JET BLACK.
THAT'S LIKE EVEN MORE AWESOME

THAN THE OTHER ONE, BECAUSE JET
BLACK IS MY FAVORITE COLOR.
YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS JET

BLACK?
IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE,
GUYS!

WHO DID THIS?
COME ON, FESS UP, SOMEBODY.
IT WASN'T ME.

I DIDN'T.
THAT MUST MEAN --
HO, HO, HO, HO, SANTA CLAUS

HERE, TELLING YOU THAT IF
SOMEONE IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET A
PERFECT GIFT AT THE WHITE

ELEPHANT GIFT EXCHANGE, LET THEM
KEEP IT.
IT COSTS YOU NOTHING TO BE NICE.

NOW YOU MIGHT WONDER HOW I KNEW
SHAWN WANTED THAT CATCHALL.
JUST CALL IT FATHER'S INTUITION.

JUST CALL IT FATHER'S INTUITION.
HO, HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
HO, HO, HO!

IS IMPRESSED BY CHRISTMAS STUFF.
HI, I'M JENNIFER COOLIDGE.
I LOVE CHRISTMAS.

OH, LOOK AT THIS.
A BIG SOCK FULL OF GIFTS.
YOU KNOW, THE ULTIMATE STOCKING

STUFFER IS A FOOT.
AH, CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.
SO COLORFUL, YOU KNOW, ONE YEAR,

I GOT THE BLINKING ONES, I LEFT
MY CHRISTMAS TREE ON ALL NIGHT
AND LEARNED MY CAT WAS

EPILEPTIC.
OH, THAT'S REALLY GOOD!
DID YOU WRITE THIS SONG?

DID I WRITE "JINGLE BELLS"?
YEAH.
NO.

THEN WHO DID?
I DON'T KNOW.
SOME GUY.

MM, A BIG CUP OF EGGNOG!
KIND OF WEIRD.
TASTE LIKE I'M DRINKING SANTA'S

[ BLEEP ]!
OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I FORGOT TO MAKE A WISH.

WOW, CHRISTMAS PRESENTS.
COULD BE ANYTHING IN HERE.
I WANT TO SHAKE IT.

GIVE ME SOME MUSIC!
* *
SOUNDS LIKE AN ANTIQUE DOLL WITH

ONE EYE.
OH.
I WAS RIGHT!

ONCE AGAIN, LIZZO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
**

* SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS
MEN WON'T BE BOYS *
* PLAYING WITH BOMBS

LIKE KIDS PLAY WITH TOYS *
* ONE WARM DECEMBER
OUR HEARTS WILL SEE *

* A WORLD WHERE WE ARE FREE
SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS *
* THERE'LL BE NO WARS

WHEN WE HAVE LEARNED *
* WHAT CHRISTMAS IS FOR
WHEN WE HAVE FOUND *

* WHAT LIFE'S REALLY WORTH
THERE'LL BE PEACE ON EARTH *
* SOMEDAY ALL OUR DREAMS

WILL COME TO BE *
* SOMEDAY IN A WORLD
WHERE WE ARE FREE *

* MAYBE JUST IN TIME
FOR YOU AND ME *
* SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME

SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS *
* WE'LL SEE A LAND
WITH NO HUNGRY CHILDREN *

* NO EMPTY HAND
ONE HAPPY MORNING *
* PEOPLE WILL SHARE

OUR WORLD WHERE *
* PEOPLE CARE
WHOA, SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS *

* THERE'LL BE NO TEARS
WHEN WE'RE ALL EQUAL *
* AND NO ONE HAS FEARS

ONE SHINING MOMENT *
* ONE PRAYER AWAY
FROM OUR WORLD TODAY *

* SOMEDAY ALL OUR DREAMS
WILL COME TO BE *
* SOMEDAY IN A WORLD

WHERE WE ARE FREE *
* MAYBE JUST IN TIME
FOR YOU AND ME *

* SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME
SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS *
* WE WILL NOT FAIL

HATE WILL BE GONE *
* AND LOVE WILL PREVAIL
IN A NEW WORLD *

* THAT WE CAN START
WITH HOPE IN EVERY HEART *
* SOMEDAY ALL OUR DREAMS

WILL COME TO BE *
* SOMEDAY
WE'LL BE FREE *

* MAYBE JUST IN TIME
FOR YOU AND ME *
* SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME

SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME *
**
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
THAT COULD BE A FUNNY SKETCH.
THANKS, MAN, YEAH.

HEY, WHY DON'T WE CELEBRATE WITH
A GLASS OF RED WINE.
OH, MY SHIRT.

NOW I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE A
SLOB FOR THE DATE I HAVE
TONIGHT.

DON'T YOU HATE WHEN THIS
HAPPENS? I WISH THERE WAS A
SOLUTION TO THIS VERY COMMON

PROBLEM.
WHAT'S THAT?
I SAID I WISH THERE WAS A

SOLUTION TO THIS VERY COMMON
PROBLEM.
WELL, NOW THERE IS, THE

PLIRT.
THE SHIRT MADE OF 100% PLASTIC.
THAT'S PLASTIC?

IT LOOKS LIKE A REGULAR SHIRT.
I KNOW IT DOES, BUT IT MEANS
SPILLS AND STAINS RINSE RIGHT

OFF.
GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON?
THANKS TO MARTIN'S PLIRT, HIS

DATE NIGHT JUST TURNED INTO A
SEX NIGHT.
MAN, THEY'RE COMFY.

HEY, MARTIN, IS THIS COMPANY
LOOKING FOR INVESTORS?
THEY NEED INVESTORS BAD!

BECAUSE THEY'RE SO IN THE RED
RIGHT NOW.
AUSTIN?

YOU WANT ME TO INVEST IN YOUR
COMPANY.
AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE US IF

WE TOLD YOU THAT THEY'RE GOOD
FOR THE ENVIRONMENT?
PLASTIC SHIRTS?

NO, BUT WE WERE HOPING WOULD
YOU BELIEVE THAT.
TRY ONE ON.

IT'S LIKE A PHONE CASE.
WE GOOGLED AND WE KNOW YOU
HAVE ENOUGH MONEY.

GUYS, I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS IN
THIS.
SURE YOU CAN.

WATCH ME WATCH THIS CUP.
I ALMOST HAD IT.
THEY'RE STYLISH, STAINPROOF

AND NOT FOR PREGNANT WOMEN.
WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE?
SLEEK, LIGHTWEIGHT AND

INTERNAL TEMPERATURE OF 110
DEGREES.
THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS WHERE MY

PLANTS.
AND THEY SELL PLIKINIS.
WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE

THIS?
BECAUSE WE NEED THE MONEY,
MAN!

WE MAKE $30 A VIDEO.
HOW DID YOU GET THE MONEY FOR
THE PLOTHING?

I GOT THE HELP FROM MY GIRL.
YOU'RE DATING LIZZO?
AND BY THE WAY, I'M NOT

WEARING ANY PLANTIES.
THESE ARE DANGEROUS AND
INSANE.

THEY DO NOT BELONG IN THE OFFICE
OR ON THE STREETS.
THEY BELONG ON THE RUNWAY!

* *
PLIRTS.
PLIRTS.

PLIRT.
LOVE MIGHT AND CHEMICAL, BUT
THEN AGAIN, SO IS PLASTIC.

LOVE MIGHT AND CHEMICAL, BUT
THEN AGAIN, SO IS PLASTIC.
IN STORES NOW.

ON BREAK FOR CHRISTMAS.
AS SOME OF YOU KNOW, THIS IS
CECILY'S LAST DAY WORKING AT

RADIO SHACK, AFTER EIGHT
INCREDIBLE YEARS.
WELL, I'VE BEEN HERE 11.

I KNOW, AND EIGHT OF THEM
WERE INCREDIBLE.
HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK RADIO

SHACK COULD HAVE SURVIVED THIS
LONG WITHOUT CECILY.
EVERY TIME SHE CAME TO WORK, SHE

HAD A NEW CHARACTER OR NEW
ACCENT OR NEW IMPRESSION THAT
WOULD BLOW YOU AWAY.

SHE'D HAVE A POWER AND JOY TO
HER PERFORMANCE THAT MADE YOU
REMEMBER WHY YOU LOVED WORKING

AT RADIO SHACK IN THE FIRST
PLACE.
I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY

THIS AS YOUR BOSS, BUT I LOVE
YOU, CECILY.
I LOVE YOU TOO, MR. FRANK

LASAGNA.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT IS MY NAME.

NOW WE ALL POOLED OUR MONEY
TOGETHER, MONEY THAT WAS
SUPPOSED TO GO TO CHILDREN IN

NEED, AND WE DECIDED TO HIRE A
SPECIAL GUEST FOR OUR CHRISTMAS
PARTY INSTEAD.

UNFORTUNATELY, THE COSTUME WAS
EXTRA, AND WE CHOSE TO NOT
SPRING FOR THAT.

SO PLEASE WELCOME, CASUAL ELVIS.
* *
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
YEAH, WE DIDN'T PAY FOR

THE VOICE EITHER.
CECILY, I'VE ONLY MET YOU
THIS WEEK, BUT IT FEELS LIKE

I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR TWO WEEKS,
AND I KNOW I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE
WHEN I SAY, *

I'LL HAVE BLUE *
* CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU *
* WE'LL BE SO BLUE *

* JUST THINKIN' ABOUT YOU *
* ALL THE SKETCHES *
* WITH DOGS *

* OR WHEN A GUY'S GOT ONE TOO *
* WON'T BE THE SAME, DEAR *
* WHEN YOU GO *

* AND WHEN THOSE BLUE *
* SNOWFLAKES START FALLIN' *
* THAT'S WHEN THOSE BLUE *

* MEMORIES START CALLIN' *
* YOU'LL BE DOIN' ALL RIGHT *
* EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT *

* BUT I'LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE,
BLUE, BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS *
* WE'LL HAVE A BLUE *

* CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU *
* WE'LL BE SO BLUE *
* JUST THINKIN' ABOUT YOU *

* YOU'LL BE DOING ALL RIGHT *
* WITH YOUR CHRISTMAS SO WHITE *
* BUT WE'LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE,

BLUE, BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS *
* BECAUSE YOU'LL BE DOIN' ALL
RIGHT *

* EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT *
* BUT WE'LL ALL HAVE A BLUE,
BLUE, BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS *

* *
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
THANK YOU TO ALL OF THE AMAZING

CAST MEMBERS WHO WELCOMED ME SO
WARMLY.
YOU GUYS ARE ALL AMAZING.

I'M JUST SO GRATEFUL TO BE HERE.
THANK YOU, LIZZO!
THANK YOU!

CECILY, I'M SO GLAD I GOT TO
MEET YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MEET YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY