1 00:00:18,027 --> 00:00:21,697 HELLO. THIS IS DONALD TRUMP, HOPEFULLY, 2 00:00:21,697 --> 00:00:25,334 YOUR FAVORITE PRESIDENT OF ALL TIME. BETTER THAN LINCOLN, BETTER THAN 3 00:00:25,334 --> 00:00:38,381 WASHINGTON. FRANKLY, BETTER THAN EZRA. YOU, YOU MAY HAVE SEEN THIS 4 00:00:38,381 --> 00:00:42,618 WEEK, I MADE A MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT. I'M DOING MY OFFICIAL FIRST 5 00:00:42,618 --> 00:00:49,592 COLLECTION OF DONALD TRUMP DIGITAL TRADING CARDS, OR NIFTIES. 6 00:00:49,592 --> 00:00:51,928 I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY ARE, BUT THEY'RE TREMENDOUS. THEY FEATURE INCREDIBLE ARTWORK, 7 00:00:51,928 --> 00:00:55,832 FOR EXAMPLE, WHEN I WAS AN ASTRONAUT OR ME RIDING BIG ELEPHANT. 8 00:00:55,832 --> 00:01:01,003 TRUMP CARDS ARE EACH $99. SEEMS LIKE A LOT. SEEMS LIKE A SCAM, AND IN MANY 9 00:01:01,003 --> 00:01:06,743 WAYS IT IS, BUT WE LOVE THE TRUMP CARDS, WE LOVE THEM. YOU CAN ALSO GET THEM FOR FREE 10 00:01:06,743 --> 00:01:14,517 BY GOING ONLINE AND LOOKING AT THEM, MAYBE, I DON'T KNOW. TAKING A SCREEN SHOT OR 11 00:01:14,517 --> 00:01:20,189 SOMETHING. BUT WE'D REALLY PREFER IT IF YOU'D SEND THE $99. 12 00:01:20,189 --> 00:01:28,197 YOU'LL GET ME AS A COWBOY. OR ME MELTING BIDEN'S ICE CREAM WITH MY BIG LASER EYES. 13 00:01:28,197 --> 00:01:33,770 IT SOUNDS A LOT LIKE POKEMON, BUT TRUST ME, IT'S NOT POKEMON. I MEAN ABSOLUTELY NO DISRESPECT 14 00:01:33,770 --> 00:01:45,148 TO MY VERY GOOD FRIENDS, AND WHO I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WONDERING, CAN THEY FIGHT? 15 00:01:45,148 --> 00:01:51,154 THE ANSWER IS YES. WHO WILL WIN, BETWEEN TRUMP CROSSING THE DELAWARE AND TRUMP 16 00:01:51,154 --> 00:01:55,958 BEING MATRIX? AND. BEST PART IS, EACH CARD COMES 17 00:01:55,958 --> 00:02:02,231 WITH AN AUTOMATIC CHANCE TO WIN AN EXCLUSIVE MYSTERY PRIZE WHERE YOU GET TO PICK ANYTHING OUT OF 18 00:02:02,231 --> 00:02:13,609 THIS NICE BOX. NOW, REMEMBER, WHEN YOU BUY A CARD, YOU DON'T GET TO PICK 19 00:02:13,609 --> 00:02:25,655 WHICH ONE. YOU MIGHT GET ME ON THE COVER OF A ROMANCE NOVEL, ME DOING 20 00:02:25,655 --> 00:02:32,628 SPLITS, ME DOING "TITANIC." OR EVEN ME AS JESSICA RABBIT. WOW. 21 00:02:32,628 --> 00:02:39,869 LOOK AT THE LEGS ON HER. PERHAPS I WOULD DATE HER IF SHE WEREN'T ME. 22 00:02:39,869 --> 00:02:41,671 NOW TO HELP ME SAY MORE, MY THIRD LEAST EMBARRASSING CHILD. HEY, DAD. 23 00:02:41,671 --> 00:02:43,740 VERY FUNNY. AND IT'S SO GOOD TO BE HERE FOR THE LAUNCH OF THIS AMAZING 24 00:02:43,740 --> 00:02:45,608 TOTALLY LEGIT PRODUCT. THESE CARDS ARE FANTASTIC AND A STEAL. 25 00:02:45,608 --> 00:02:59,389 AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. $99? YOU CAN GET TWO GRAMS FOR THAT. 26 00:02:59,389 --> 00:03:02,258 WHILE I'M HERE, I ALSO WANTED TO SHARE, I'M SELLING A NEW CHRISTMAS CD FROM MY FIANCE 27 00:03:02,258 --> 00:03:07,563 KIMBERLY GUILFOYLE. HEY, BABE, GET THAT LITTLE FINE BUTT OUT HERE. 28 00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:15,138 THANK YOU. WOO! THANK YOU, AND I KNOW YOU'RE 29 00:03:15,138 --> 00:03:27,016 GOING TO LOVE THIS CHRISTMAS ALBUM THAT I'M CALLING "NOW THAT'S WHAT NO ONE CALLS MUSIC." 30 00:03:27,016 --> 00:03:35,324 I GUARANTEE, YOU'LL SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE! BEAUTIFUL. 31 00:03:35,324 --> 00:03:40,163 THANK YOU. OKAY. THERE THEY GO. 32 00:03:40,163 --> 00:03:44,434 WHAT A TERRIBLE COUPLE. SO GET YOUR TRUMP DIGITAL TRADING CARDS TODAY. 33 00:03:44,434 --> 00:03:55,244 THEY SHOULD BE AT THE TOP OF EVERYONE'S CHRISTMAS LIST, REALLY. 34 00:03:55,244 --> 00:03:59,315 YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T WE BRING UP MY CHRISTMAS LIST. MERRY CHRISTMAS. 35 00:03:59,315 --> 00:04:04,353 I BROUGHT THAT BACK, SAYING MERRY CHRISTMAS AGAIN. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO 36 00:04:04,353 --> 00:04:07,523 CHRISTIANS AND TO JEWISH PEOPLE AS WELL. MERRY CHRISTMAS. 37 00:04:07,523 --> 00:04:16,999 I WAS VISITED BY THREE GHOSTS. FOUR IF YOU INCLUDE EPSTEIN. BUT IT'S CHRISTMAS ALL OVER. 38 00:04:16,999 --> 00:04:30,580 WITH TREE AND TOY AND SANTA. WE LOVE SANTA, EXCEPT MAYBE RON DE-SANTA. 39 00:04:30,580 --> 00:04:37,353 HE LOOKS LIKE A ROBLOx. HE'S NOT MUCH OF A SANTA, IS HE? HE'S MORE OF A GRINCH. 40 00:04:37,353 --> 00:04:42,458 AND WE ALL REMEMBER GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS, BUT I GOT IT BACK. DURING MY ADMINISTRATION I 41 00:04:42,458 --> 00:04:45,228 BROKERED A HISTORIC DEAL WITH GRINCH AND NETANYAHU AND WE AGREED CHRISTMAS WOULD NEVER BE 42 00:04:45,228 --> 00:04:51,134 STOLEN AGAIN, LIKE HOW THE WHITES TRY TO STEAL THE NAVI IN AVATAR. 43 00:04:51,134 --> 00:05:00,943 AND YOU LOOK AT SAM WORTHINGTON. HE'S A GREAT FATHER. HE'S GOT FIVE KIDS NOW. 44 00:05:00,943 --> 00:05:03,312 I'VE GOT FOUR KIDS, FIVE, IF YOU INCLUDE TIFFANY, BUT HE'S A GREAT NAVIDAD. 45 00:05:03,312 --> 00:05:06,349 MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 46 00:05:06,349 --> 00:05:18,694 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] * * IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." 47 00:07:05,601 --> 00:07:12,375 MUSICAL GUEST LIZZO. AND YOUR HOST AUSTIN BUTLER. 48 00:07:17,346 --> 00:07:39,569 * * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] THANK YOU. 49 00:07:39,569 --> 00:07:46,976 THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE HOSTING THE SNL CHRISTMAS SHOW. 50 00:07:46,976 --> 00:07:49,879 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] NOW LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS SHOW WAS CANCELED, BECAUSE EVERYONE 51 00:07:49,879 --> 00:07:54,584 GOT COVID. SO THIS YEAR WE CAME UP WITH A FOOLPROOF PLAN TO ENSURE NO ONE 52 00:07:54,584 --> 00:08:04,394 WOULD GET COVID. WE STOPPED TESTING. [ LAUGHTER ] 53 00:08:04,394 --> 00:08:07,630 I DO WANT TO ADDRESS SOMETHING. THERE'S PEOPLE OUT THERE WHO SAY THAT EVER SINCE I PLAYED ELVIS 54 00:08:07,630 --> 00:08:14,237 MY VOICE CHANGED. IT GOT DEEPER, MORE ELVIS-Y? THAT'S NOT TRUE. 55 00:08:14,237 --> 00:08:23,246 I'VE ALWAYS SOUNDED LIKE THIS. I CAN PROVE IT. HERE'S A CLIP FROM AIN'T VIEW I 56 00:08:23,246 --> 00:08:26,816 DID TEN YEARS AGO. HOW EXCITED ARE YOU TO BE SEBASTIAN ON THE CARRIE DIARIES? 57 00:08:26,816 --> 00:08:32,422 I'M VERY EXCITED. IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPERIENCE SO FAR. 58 00:08:32,422 --> 00:08:35,558 SEE? [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T 59 00:08:35,558 --> 00:08:41,097 KNOW THAT I STARTED ACTING WHEN I WAS A KID. AND EVEN BACK THEN I WAS DRAWN 60 00:08:41,097 --> 00:08:47,570 TOWARD INTENSE IMMERSIVE ACTING, LIKE I WAS 12, AND I WOULD DO THESE PARTS ON NICKELODEON OR 61 00:08:47,570 --> 00:08:53,443 DISNEY SHOWS, BUT MEANWHILE STUDYING MOVIES LIKE "RAGING BULL" AND "TAXI DRIVER", AND I'D 62 00:08:53,443 --> 00:09:04,921 SHOW UP ON SET AND BE LIKE, "I DIDN'T SCREW YOUR WIFE" THE AND DIRECTOR WOULD BE LIKE, CUT, 63 00:09:04,921 --> 00:09:07,123 AUSTIN. PUT THE KNIFE DOWN. YOU'RE SCARING ICARLY. 64 00:09:07,123 --> 00:09:13,896 WHEN I WASN'T ACTING, I WAS A REALLY SHY KID, LIKE REALLY SHY. BUT LUCKILY, MY MOM DECIDED TO 65 00:09:13,896 --> 00:09:20,169 HOME SCHOOL ME AND MY SISTER, SO I WAS ALSO WEIRD. BY THE WAY, MY SISTER IS HERE 66 00:09:20,169 --> 00:09:28,778 TONIGHT. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ASHLEY! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 67 00:09:28,778 --> 00:09:36,519 WE GREW UP IN ANAHEIM, CALIFORNIA. HENCE THE SOUTHERN ACCENT. 68 00:09:36,519 --> 00:09:39,088 AND SINCE WE HOME SCHOOLED, SOMETIMES MY MOM WOULD SAY, WE'RE TAKING THE DAY OFF, AND 69 00:09:39,088 --> 00:09:44,260 WE'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND, AND WE'D BE SO EXCITED. BUT THEN BY LIKE THE NINTH TIME 70 00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:49,699 THAT SHE DID THAT, I WAS LIKE, I DON'T THINK MOM KNOWS HOW TO TEACH. 71 00:09:49,699 --> 00:09:58,775 BUT I LOVE MY MOM. SOME OF MY FAVORITE MEMORIES FROM GROWING UP ARE WATCHING SNL 72 00:09:58,775 --> 00:10:06,682 WITH HER. AND WE'D WATCH EVERY WEEK. WE'D WATCH EVERY WEEK. 73 00:10:06,682 --> 00:10:09,852 AND EVEN THOUGH, EVEN THOUGH I HAD THIS CRIPPLING SHYNESS, WHEN I WAS MY MOM, I'D JUST DO 74 00:10:09,852 --> 00:10:16,526 ANYTHING TO MAKE HER LAUGH. I DO RIDICULOUS FACES AND VOICES, I DID THIS RIDICULOUS 75 00:10:16,526 --> 00:10:30,039 GOLUM IMPRESSION. MY MOM LIKE ALL MOMS WAS A HUGE GOLUM FAN. 76 00:10:30,039 --> 00:10:33,176 BUT REALLY BEING SILLY WITH HER IS WHAT BROKE ME OUT OF MY SHELL AND THE CORE OF WHAT STARTED ME 77 00:10:33,176 --> 00:10:44,120 IN ACTING. MY MOM IS NO LONGER WITH US. BUT I BEEN THINKING ABOUT HER A 78 00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:50,693 LOT THIS WEEK, JUST IMAGINING HOW PROUD SHE'D BE OF HER SON WHO USED TO NOT BE ABLE TO ORDER 79 00:10:50,693 --> 00:11:04,107 FOOD FOR MYSELF ON A RESTAURANT IS NOW STANDING ON THIS STAGE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 80 00:11:04,107 --> 00:11:08,845 AND TONIGHT, JUST KNOW THAT ANYTIME YOU SEE ME DOING A SILLY VOICE OR MAKING A FUNNY FACE, 81 00:11:08,845 --> 00:11:13,883 THAT'S FOR YOU, MOM. AND, SO. [ APPLAUSE ] 82 00:11:13,883 --> 00:11:17,587 WE HAVE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. LIZZO IS HERE. 83 00:11:17,587 --> 00:11:27,397 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] STICK AROUND. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK. 84 00:11:29,665 --> 00:11:34,604 * * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] HEY, EVERYBODY. 85 00:11:34,604 --> 00:11:43,146 I'M DAN SMATTER, AND WELCOME TO ANOTHER GREAT ROUND OF THE PHRASE THAT PAYS, THE GAME THE 86 00:11:43,146 --> 00:11:49,152 THREE PLAYERS WILL FIND THE MISSING LETTERS IN OUR PUZZLES FOR BIG, BIG PRIZES. 87 00:11:49,152 --> 00:11:50,586 YES? SO THIS IS "WHEEL OF FORTUNE" WITH NO WHEEL? 88 00:11:50,586 --> 00:11:57,326 DON'T DO THAT. THAT'S NOT NICE. WE HAVE THREE GREAT CONTESTANTS. 89 00:11:57,326 --> 00:11:59,896 EBY, TROY, AND BETH! WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR A FUN FACT FROM EVERYBODY. 90 00:11:59,896 --> 00:12:02,098 SO WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWN THE LINE AND TELL EVERYONE YOUR AGES. 91 00:12:02,098 --> 00:12:05,635 REALLY? OKAY. 36. 92 00:12:05,635 --> 00:12:13,276 34. NO. GREAT, WELL, LET'S LOOK AT 93 00:12:13,276 --> 00:12:20,717 YOUR FIRST PUZZLE. THE CATEGORY IS SONG, AND EBY, LET'S START WITH YOU. 94 00:12:20,717 --> 00:12:22,852 MY FAVORITE LETTER IS B, BECAUSE I'M A BAD ONE, BUT I'M GOING TO SAVE THAT FOR LATER ON 95 00:12:22,852 --> 00:12:31,694 IN THE GAME. FOR NOW, LET'S JUST GO WITH T. THERE IS ONE T. 96 00:12:31,694 --> 00:12:37,133 YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS TO SOLVE. OH, MAMA. 97 00:12:37,133 --> 00:12:45,041 MAMA SAID, MAMA WHALE, MAMA. I'M SORRY, EBY, IT'S NOT ANYTHING MAMA. 98 00:12:45,041 --> 00:12:53,383 TROY, YOU'RE UP. OKAY, IT'S NOT HOTEL CALIFORNIA, IS IT? 99 00:12:53,383 --> 00:12:58,621 WHOA. TROY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO GUESS ANOTHER LETTER THERE, 100 00:12:58,621 --> 00:13:01,791 BUT YOU WENT AND SOLVED THE WHOLE THING, HOW DID YOU DO THAT? 101 00:13:01,791 --> 00:13:07,363 YEAH, HOW DID YOU DO THAT? YOU SAID IT WAS A SONG AND HOTEL CALIFORNIA IS A SONG. 102 00:13:07,363 --> 00:13:11,134 SO I THOUGHT MAYBE IT WAS "HOTEL CALIFORNIA." WELL, YOU'VE BANKED A 103 00:13:11,134 --> 00:13:19,108 THOUSAND DOLLARS. HERE'S OUR NEXT PUZZLE. THE NEXT CATEGORY IS BOOKS. 104 00:13:19,108 --> 00:13:22,945 AND WE'LL START WITH BETH. I'VE GOT A LOT OF LETTERS GOING THROUGH MY MIND RIGHT NOW, 105 00:13:22,945 --> 00:13:25,648 TRYING TO THINK OF A COMMON ONE. HOW ABOUT X. SORRY, THERE IS NO X. 106 00:13:25,648 --> 00:13:29,385 YES, THERE IS. I SEE ONE RIGHT THERE. THAT JUST COMES UP WHEN YOU 107 00:13:29,385 --> 00:13:33,289 MAKE A WRONG GUESS. THAT IS A LITTLE CONFUSING. EBY, YOU'RE UP. 108 00:13:33,289 --> 00:13:43,733 I'M NOT READY TO USE MY B JUST YET, IS THERE A C? THERE'S ONE C. 109 00:13:43,733 --> 00:13:53,409 YOU'VE GOT FIVE SECONDS. MAMA WON'T, DADDY WILL? DADDY MAMA DID. 110 00:13:53,409 --> 00:13:55,044 MAMA -- I'M SORRY, EBY, TIME'S UP. I WAS SO CLOSE. 111 00:13:55,044 --> 00:14:00,249 NOT EVEN IN THE BALLPARK. TROY? IS IT ALL THE LIGHT WE CANNOT 112 00:14:00,249 --> 00:14:15,498 SEE BY ANTHONY DUER? AMAZING. ARE YOU A BOOK LOVER, TROY? 113 00:14:15,498 --> 00:14:17,467 NO, I ACTUALLY HAVEN'T LOVE THAT, YET. READ A BOOK? 114 00:14:17,467 --> 00:14:19,769 NO, IT'S ON MY LIST. OKAY, OKAY. SOMETHING'S NOT RIGHT HERE. 115 00:14:19,769 --> 00:14:23,106 YOU'RE RIGHT. WE NEED A NEW PUZZLE. BECAUSE TROY'S ON A ROLL, AND 116 00:14:23,106 --> 00:14:34,784 TROY, YOUR CATEGORY IS FAMOUS QUOTES. WELL, MY FAVORITE LETTER IS 117 00:14:34,784 --> 00:14:37,153 B, BECAUSE I'M A BAD ONE. WHAT? SO I'M GOING TO SAY B. 118 00:14:37,153 --> 00:14:39,422 FIVE SECONDS. WOW. I AM COMPLETELY STUMPED, YEAH. 119 00:14:39,422 --> 00:14:44,327 I HAVE NO IDEA. MY MIND IS A TOTAL BLANK. I GIVE UP. 120 00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:50,900 OH, MY GOD. THAT'S RIGHT! WHAT? 121 00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:53,870 THAT IS NOT A FAMOUS QUOTE. YES, IT IS. IT SAYS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN SAID 122 00:14:53,870 --> 00:15:02,378 IT WHEN HE WAS TRYING TO THINK OF THE LIGHT BULB. OKAY, WELL, THAT'S NOT RIGHT. 123 00:15:02,378 --> 00:15:04,614 HE HAS A DEVICE IN HIS ASS LIKE THAT CHESS PLAYER. NO, I DON'T. 124 00:15:04,614 --> 00:15:10,086 WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE MORE CATEGORY, WHICH IS MEDICINE. WOULD YOU LIKE TO GUESS, BETH OR 125 00:15:10,086 --> 00:15:13,589 WOULD YOU RATHER COMPLAIN? FINE, FINE, I'LL PLAY, AND I GOT TO GO WITH MY GUT. 126 00:15:13,589 --> 00:15:17,827 X. THERE'S NO X. YES, THERE IS! 127 00:15:17,827 --> 00:15:31,574 NO, THERE ISN'T. TROY, THE CATEGORY IS MEDICINE. OH, WOW, I DON'T KNOW 128 00:15:31,574 --> 00:15:33,776 ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. IS IT ELLEN POMPEO FEELS SUPER HAPPY AFTER "GREY'S ANATOMY" 129 00:15:33,776 --> 00:15:41,250 EXIT? HE'S DEFINITELY CHEATING, AND THERE'S AN X IN THAT. 130 00:15:41,250 --> 00:15:49,726 WHAT? OH, YEAH, SORRY. WHO CARES. 131 00:15:49,726 --> 00:15:52,995 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH PHRASE THAT PAYS. * * 132 00:15:52,995 --> 00:15:54,964 THAT PAYS. * * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 133 00:16:02,071 --> 00:16:05,708 RICH, YOU KNOW I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR YOU, NOW COME ON. 134 00:16:05,708 --> 00:16:11,381 GIVE ME WERE YOUR CAR KEYS, YOU AROUND DRIVE HOME TONIGHT. ALL RIGHT, GOOD NIGHT FOR A 135 00:16:11,381 --> 00:16:16,452 WALK HOME ANYHOW. SAY, RICH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE DRINKING ON CHRISTMAS 136 00:16:16,452 --> 00:16:19,522 EVE? AIN'T YOU GOT NO FAMILY? FAMILY? 137 00:16:19,522 --> 00:16:26,095 WHO NEEDS FAMILY? WHAT ABOUT THAT GIRL, DENISE, YOU BEEN GOING AROUND WITH? 138 00:16:26,095 --> 00:16:31,567 WHY AREN'T YOU WITH HER? CALLED THAT WHOLE THING OFF, JIMBO. 139 00:16:31,567 --> 00:16:40,977 YOU KNOW ME, I'M A LONE WOLF. THAT'S THE WAY I LIKE IT. TRYIN' MY BEST, BOSS. 140 00:16:40,977 --> 00:16:48,217 TRYIN' MY BEST. FAMILY. WHO WOULD WANT TO GET TIED DOWN 141 00:16:48,217 --> 00:17:06,702 TO SOMETHING LIKE THAT? NOT ME, I TELL YOU. NO SIRREE. 142 00:17:06,702 --> 00:17:10,306 * * LOOK AT THEM. SO MUCH LOVE. 143 00:17:10,306 --> 00:17:16,512 THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN AFRAID OF ALL THESE YEARS. SO BEAUTIFUL. 144 00:17:16,512 --> 00:17:23,219 STEVEN, THERE IS A MAN STARING AT US THROUGH OUR WINDOW. 145 00:17:23,219 --> 00:17:28,157 YES, I SEE HIM TOO. JUST STAY CALM. ACT LIKE HE ISN'T THERE. 146 00:17:28,157 --> 00:17:33,529 HE'LL LOSE INTEREST, AND HE'LL LEAVE. I SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE 147 00:17:33,529 --> 00:17:39,168 RUNNING, AND FOR WHAT? JUST TO BE ALL ALONE ON CHRISTMAS EVE? 148 00:17:39,168 --> 00:17:45,108 HE ISN'T LEAVING. JANINE, RELAX. HOW CAN I RELAX WHEN THERE IS 149 00:17:45,108 --> 00:17:51,180 A PERVERT LURKING IN OUR WINDOW? HE'S TRYING TO FREAK US OUT, JANINE. 150 00:17:51,180 --> 00:17:59,122 THAT'S WHAT GETS HIM OFF. DON'T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION OH, I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED 151 00:17:59,122 --> 00:18:03,493 DENISE. I DROVE HER AWAY. LOOK AT YOU! 152 00:18:03,493 --> 00:18:10,633 YOU MAKE ME SICK! YOU RUINED MY LIFE! DAD? 153 00:18:10,633 --> 00:18:16,272 I THINK THE MAN WANTS TO KILL ME. STEVEN, HE IS SCARING OUR 154 00:18:16,272 --> 00:18:21,844 CHILDREN. STOP JUST SITTING THERE AND BE A MAN. 155 00:18:21,844 --> 00:18:25,448 WHAT DO YOU WANT, JANINE? I WANT YOU TO PROTECT THIS FAMILY. 156 00:18:25,448 --> 00:18:30,520 GO OUT THERE AND MAKE HIM LEAVE, DAD, PLEASE! I'M NOT GOING OUT THERE, ARE 157 00:18:30,520 --> 00:18:33,656 YOU CRAZY? DON'T LOOK AT HIM. HE'LL LEAVE. 158 00:18:33,656 --> 00:18:39,429 ARE YOU A COWARD. WHAT HAVE I DONE? WASTING YEARS AT THE OFFICE, 159 00:18:39,429 --> 00:18:51,107 WORKING DAY IN AND DAY OUT! WHAT DO I HAVE TO SHOW FOR IT? FANCY SUIT! 160 00:18:51,107 --> 00:18:56,345 SILK TIE! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? HE IS EXPOSING HIMSELF. 161 00:18:56,345 --> 00:19:03,052 WELL, SORRY, I DON'T WANT TO GET KILLED, JANINE. YOU ARE PATHETIC, AND THAT'S 162 00:19:03,052 --> 00:19:06,923 WHY I DID WHAT I DID LAST SUMMER. WHAT HAPPENED LAST SUMMER? 163 00:19:06,923 --> 00:19:11,694 YOUR MOTHER STEPPED OUTSIDE OF OUR MARRIAGE. WHAT? 164 00:19:11,694 --> 00:19:15,898 GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE AT LIFE. LET ME START AGAIN AND HAVE A 165 00:19:15,898 --> 00:19:20,269 PERFECT FAMILY, LIKE THIS. MOM, HOW COULD YOU CHEAT ON DAD? 166 00:19:20,269 --> 00:19:27,076 BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN ATTRACTED TO HIM IN YEARS! COME ON, RICH. 167 00:19:27,076 --> 00:19:33,416 GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF. KENDALL, ARE YOU AN ANGEL? YEAH. 168 00:19:33,416 --> 00:19:42,091 SOMETHING LIKE THAT. YOU GOT TO HELP ME. I'VE WASTED MY WHOLE LIFE. 169 00:19:42,091 --> 00:19:46,796 OH, MY GOD. KIDS, DON'T LOOK AT THE MAN, DON'T LOOK AT THE MAN. 170 00:19:46,796 --> 00:19:52,168 LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER! NOW I'LL NEVER HAVE A FAMILY. I WOULDN'T BE TOO SURE OF 171 00:19:52,168 --> 00:19:55,304 THAT. RICH? RICH IS THAT YOU? 172 00:19:55,304 --> 00:20:00,376 DENISE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? OH, I WAS JUST PASSING BY. 173 00:20:00,376 --> 00:20:04,347 I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU, RICH. WELL, DENISE, WOULD YOU 174 00:20:04,347 --> 00:20:09,852 PLEASE TAKE ME BACK? I'M READY TO HAVE A FAMILY NOW. OH, RICH, OF COURSE I WILL! 175 00:20:09,852 --> 00:20:21,297 NICE WORK, BOSS. NICE WORK. I THINK HE'S LEAVING. 176 00:20:21,297 --> 00:20:26,069 YEAH, YEAH, GET OUT OF HERE, BEAT IT! YOU HEAR ME? 177 00:20:26,069 --> 00:20:30,573 SEE, I GOT RID OF HIM. YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ANYMORE, YOU'RE SAFE NOW. 178 00:20:30,573 --> 00:20:38,948 WAY TO GO, DAD. WAY TO GO, DAD. WOW, WHAT A HERO. 179 00:20:38,948 --> 00:20:46,622 WOW, WHAT A HERO. * * [ APPLAUSE ] 180 00:20:50,827 --> 00:20:56,299 YEARN FOR THIS TIME OF YEAR? THE SWEET TREAT THEY ASK SANTA FOR? 181 00:20:56,299 --> 00:21:00,970 THE CONFECTION THEY DREAM OF MOST OF ALL? IS IT CANDY CANES? 182 00:21:00,970 --> 00:21:12,582 HERSHEY KISSES? NO, IT'S MARZIPAN! YAY! 183 00:21:12,582 --> 00:21:15,118 THAT'S RIGHT, MARZIPAN. THE MOSTLY ALMOND, ALMOST CANDY FROM GERMANY, WITH THE FLAVOR OF 184 00:21:15,118 --> 00:21:18,121 NUTS BUT THE TEXTURE OF NUTS. AND WHAT WAS HIS NAME? MARZIPAN. 185 00:21:18,121 --> 00:21:33,736 MARZIPAN. MARZIPAN. MARZIPAN. 186 00:21:33,736 --> 00:21:39,208 IT COMES IN ANY SHAPE THAT YOU CAN THINK OF AS LONG AS YOU THINK OF BANANA. 187 00:21:39,208 --> 00:21:45,615 MINE'S AN APPLE. MINE'S A PEAR. MINE'S AN UNSHAPED LOG. 188 00:21:45,615 --> 00:21:53,656 ME TOO. MINE IS, YAAAAAA. THAT'S RIGHT. 189 00:21:53,656 --> 00:21:58,594 THE CHILD'S CHOICE. THE CANDY WITH AS MUCH PROTEIN AS A BITE OF STEAK, BUT DON'T 190 00:21:58,594 --> 00:22:03,633 TAKE IT FROM ME. TAKE IT FROM THESE STRANGE BRITISH CHILDREN. 191 00:22:03,633 --> 00:22:11,407 I LOVE MARZIPAN. YOU CAN ALMOST TASTE THE TASTE. I USED TO THINK THAT THE BEST 192 00:22:11,407 --> 00:22:16,312 CANDY WAS CIRCUS PEANUTS, BUT NOW I KNOW IT'S MARZIPAN. IF A STRANGER SAID TO ME, 193 00:22:16,312 --> 00:22:21,651 COME IN MY CAR, I'VE GOT CANDY, I'D SAY NO! BUT IF THEY SAID I'VE GOT 194 00:22:21,651 --> 00:22:33,596 MARZIPAN, I'D SAY ABDUCT ME, BABY! AS SOON AS YOU FINISH ONE, 195 00:22:33,596 --> 00:22:40,570 YOU'LL WANT ANOTHER, AND THAT'S PROBABLY ENOUGH. JUST REMEMBER, DON'T EAT IT 196 00:22:40,570 --> 00:22:43,005 WITHIN 12 HOURS OF GOING TO SLEEP OR AFTER 12 HOURS OF WAKING UP. 197 00:22:43,005 --> 00:22:44,941 AND NOW, CHILDREN, WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE OUR EXPERT CHEF MAKING A FRESH BATCH? 198 00:22:44,941 --> 00:22:47,377 ME! I'M OLDEST. HELLO THERE, I'M MAKING 199 00:22:47,377 --> 00:22:53,149 MARZIPAN. IS THE RECIPE A SECRET? YES. 200 00:22:53,149 --> 00:22:57,754 IS IT JUST ALMONDS? YES. DO YOU MUSH THEM UP? 201 00:22:57,754 --> 00:23:06,829 YES. AND THEN IT'S MARZIPAN? YES! 202 00:23:06,829 --> 00:23:12,001 WAIT, LET'S SEE IF THE BATCH IS READY! MM. 203 00:23:12,001 --> 00:23:14,103 YUCK, IT'S PERFECT! ALL DONE! AND, REMEMBER, IT MUST BE 204 00:23:14,103 --> 00:23:19,776 REFRIGERATED AND CONSUMED WITHIN 50 YEARS. IT WILL NEVER LAST THAT LONG. 205 00:23:19,776 --> 00:23:27,650 NOW LOOK WHAT WE HAVE, CHILDREN. IS THAT WHAT I THINK IT IS? 206 00:23:27,650 --> 00:23:35,658 THAT'S RIGHT, A BRAND-NEW PACK OF M. MINE'S A LITTLE PIG. 207 00:23:35,658 --> 00:23:54,944 LOOK, MINE'S A BABY'S ASS. I THINK THAT'S A PEAR. MINE'S A LITTLE ME. 208 00:23:54,944 --> 00:23:58,381 OH, NO! ONE IS MISSING. SOMEONE HAS STOLE AND MARZIPAN! 209 00:23:58,381 --> 00:24:08,591 OH, SILLY ME! ALL RIGHT, CHILDREN, IT'S TIME FOR THE BIG NUMBER, THE MARZIPAN 210 00:24:08,591 --> 00:24:22,105 REEL. * * * * 211 00:24:22,105 --> 00:24:24,607 * * * * AND NOW THE SONG. 212 00:25:03,913 --> 00:25:08,251 I MEAN VERY GOOD SEATS. I DIDN'T REALIZE THE RETIREMENT HOME HAD ITS OWN 213 00:25:08,251 --> 00:25:19,595 THEATER. THIS IS IMPRESSIVE. THE OASIS HAS IT ALL. 214 00:25:19,595 --> 00:25:21,464 COMPETENT LOCKER ROOMS. AND A STEAKHOUSE WHERE EVERYTHING IS WELL DONE. 215 00:25:21,464 --> 00:25:24,467 YOU HAVE THE SERVICE GRANDMA, WHAT'S WRONG WITH LOIS? 216 00:25:24,467 --> 00:25:28,871 OH, MY GOD, OH, MY FREAKIN' GOD, IT'S REALLY HAPPENING. SHE'S JUST EXCITED FOR THE 217 00:25:28,871 --> 00:25:38,915 SHOW. WE ALL ARE. THE FIRST NIGHT OF HANUKKAH, 218 00:25:38,915 --> 00:25:42,218 THEY ALL KICK THINGS OFF WITH A BANG. I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT 219 00:25:42,218 --> 00:25:49,959 WE'RE SO EXCITED TO SEE. OH, MY GOD, THERE HE IS. * * 220 00:25:49,959 --> 00:26:03,072 OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY 221 00:26:03,072 --> 00:26:17,754 MUCH! CAN SOMEBODY TURN UP THE AC? I'M SCHIMTZING LIKE A FREAKIN' 222 00:26:17,754 --> 00:26:28,331 HOUND DOG. EH, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? IT'S LAS VEGAS. 223 00:26:28,331 --> 00:26:30,333 OH, MY GOD, I'M SO HORNY I'M GOING TO FRIGGIN' EXPLODE. I DON'T GET IT. 224 00:26:30,333 --> 00:26:36,973 HE'S JEWISH ELVIS. HE'S ABOUT TO SING! QUIET, HE'S ABOUT TO SING. 225 00:26:36,973 --> 00:26:47,617 * WISE MEN SAY * WHO NEEDS WISE MEN? WHY ARE THEY SO WISE? 226 00:26:47,617 --> 00:26:49,452 * ONLY FOOLS RUSH IN * WHY ARE THEY RUSHING? EVERYBODY JUST RELAX. 227 00:26:49,452 --> 00:26:57,126 * I CAN'T HELP * I COULD HELP, I DON'T WANT TO, I'M TIRED. 228 00:26:57,126 --> 00:26:59,929 MY BACK HURTS. * I CAN'T HELP ORDERING A DIET COKE EVERY SINGLE RESTAURANT I 229 00:26:59,929 --> 00:27:09,806 GO TO * HE SINGS LIKE A FREAKIN' ANGEL, OH, MY GOD. 230 00:27:09,806 --> 00:27:13,076 I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF SINGING, BUT IT'S MOSTLY COMPLAINING. 231 00:27:13,076 --> 00:27:20,083 YEAH, HE'S JEWISH ELVIS, HELLO! ARE YOU STUPID? 232 00:27:20,083 --> 00:27:25,555 ANYBODY WANT TO SEE ME DO A LITTLE MOVE? * * 233 00:27:25,555 --> 00:27:29,892 OH, I'M LIKE NIAGARA FALLS OVER HERE. OH, MY CHAIR IS GOING TO 234 00:27:29,892 --> 00:27:40,970 FREAKIN' DROWN. OH, OH. RUIN ME, JEWISH ELVIS! 235 00:27:40,970 --> 00:27:45,174 RUIN ME! GROSS. NO THANK YOU! 236 00:27:45,174 --> 00:27:47,977 I THINK YOUR EVERYTHING BAGEL GOT A LITTLE TOO MUCH CREAM CHEESE ON IT, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M 237 00:27:47,977 --> 00:27:56,219 SAYING? THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE. 238 00:27:56,219 --> 00:28:08,197 NIGHT? IT IS 4:30 IN THE AFTERNOON. OH, MY GOD, I GOT SHMUTZ ALL 239 00:28:08,197 --> 00:28:23,479 OVER MY FRIGGIN' SUIT. OH, MY GOD, THIS IS A DISASTER! DID HE JUST SAY ZIZASTER? 240 00:28:23,479 --> 00:28:30,953 IT'S HIS FAMOUS CATCH PHRASE. WOO, WOO! HELLO, SORRY, EVERYONE, I'M 241 00:28:30,953 --> 00:28:38,528 BURT, THE DIRECTOR OF THE RETIREMENT HOME. GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF THE 242 00:28:38,528 --> 00:28:46,602 STAGE. YOU'RE BLOCKIN' JEWISH ELVIS! LADIES, CALM DOWN. 243 00:28:46,602 --> 00:28:54,944 APPARENTLY SOMEBODY BROKE THE TOILET IN THE HANDICAP STALL, COMPLETELY COVERED IN 244 00:28:54,944 --> 00:29:03,419 RHINESTONES, SOMEONE SAID THERE WAS A MAN SCREAMING IN THERE SAYING THIS WAS A ZISATER. 245 00:29:03,419 --> 00:29:11,227 ANYTHING YOU WANT TO SAY? GET OFF THE STAGE. GUYS, WHERE'S LOIS? 246 00:29:11,227 --> 00:29:20,937 I DON'T KNOW. OH, MY GOD, SHE'S ON STAGE. SING IT WITH ME! 247 00:29:20,937 --> 00:29:25,808 * MY STOMACH HURTS * * I'VE GOT A BAD CRAMP * * 248 00:29:25,808 --> 00:29:30,880 TOGETHER. * I THINK I ACCIDENTLY HAD DAIRY * 249 00:29:30,880 --> 00:29:38,621 ALL TOGETHER NOW. * WE CAN'T GO ON TOGETHER * * 250 00:29:38,621 --> 00:29:48,297 * WITH DELICIOUS CHEESE * * WITH DELICIOUS CHEESE * * WE ALL GOT DIARRHEA * 251 00:29:48,297 --> 00:30:01,778 * FROM DELICIOUS CHEESE * HAPPY HANUKKAH, EVERYONE, FROM JEWISH ELVIS! 252 00:30:10,453 --> 00:30:23,433 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LIZZO. ** * I TALKED TO MY 253 00:30:23,433 --> 00:30:29,705 GIRLFRIENDS YESTERDAY * * THEY REMINDED ME OF WHEN YOU HAD ME CRYIN' * 254 00:30:29,705 --> 00:30:35,845 * IN MY CAR AND THEN WHEN YOU CAME * * TO MY BARBECUE 255 00:30:35,845 --> 00:30:44,987 THEY ALL GAVE YOU ATTITUDE * * WELL, SHOOT, EVERY REASON THEY MAD AT YOU IS TRUE * 256 00:30:44,987 --> 00:30:53,563 * BUT WE PROMISED TO MAKE UP EVEN IF IT'S GON' TAKE US * * ALL OF OUR LIVES 257 00:30:53,563 --> 00:31:00,002 I'M WILLING TO * * GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY WE NEED TO DO THIS LIKE * 258 00:31:00,002 --> 00:31:07,777 * LOVE'S ON THE LINE THIS TIME * * BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER 259 00:31:07,777 --> 00:31:14,117 OOH, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER * * BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER WATCH OUT * 260 00:31:14,117 --> 00:31:20,189 * 'CAUSE BOY, YOU KNOW ME BETTER * * YOU KNOW ME SO MUCH BETTER 261 00:31:20,189 --> 00:31:36,038 YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T BREAK UP TWICE * ** 262 00:31:36,038 --> 00:31:39,142 * AND MY LOVE SO GOOD IT HURTS * * YOU MAKE IT WORK 'CAUSE 263 00:31:39,142 --> 00:31:45,815 YOU KNOW MY WORTH * * AND I CAN HAVE ANY MAN I WANT * 264 00:31:45,815 --> 00:31:50,887 * BUT I NEVER HAD NOBODY WITH A LOVE LIKE YOU * * IT WOULD BE A SHAME NOT 265 00:31:50,887 --> 00:31:58,261 TO SEE THIS THROUGH * * WHO GON' PUT UP WITH THAT GEMINI MESS LIKE I DO * 266 00:31:58,261 --> 00:32:07,270 * AND WE PROMISED TO MAKE UP EVEN IF IT'S GON' TAKE US * * ALL OF OUR LIVES 267 00:32:07,270 --> 00:32:14,210 I'M WILLING TO * * GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY WE NEED TO DO THIS LIKE * 268 00:32:14,210 --> 00:32:23,886 * LOVE'S ON THE LINE I'M REAL * * LOVING TAKES TIME 269 00:32:23,886 --> 00:32:31,494 BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER * * OOH, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER * 270 00:32:31,494 --> 00:32:37,233 * WATCH OUT 'CAUSE BOY, YOU KNOW * * ME BETTER 271 00:32:37,233 --> 00:32:41,738 YOU KNOW ME SO MUCH BETTER * * YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T BREAK UP * 272 00:32:41,738 --> 00:32:49,679 * YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T BREAK UP TWICE * * WOO-OOH 273 00:32:49,679 --> 00:32:57,320 OH * * OH-OH YEAH BOY, YOU KNOW YOU BETTER * 274 00:32:57,320 --> 00:33:04,560 * HA-HA-HA YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T BREAK UP TWICE * 275 00:33:04,560 --> 00:33:19,442 BREAK UP TWICE * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 276 00:33:23,679 --> 00:33:40,129 COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. 277 00:33:40,129 --> 00:33:41,764 WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. 278 00:33:41,764 --> 00:33:44,133 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] INSIDERS ARE SAYING THAT THE HOUSE JANUARY 6 COMMITTEE WILL 279 00:33:44,133 --> 00:33:51,507 REFER AT LEAST THREE CRIMINAL CHARGES AGAINST DONALD TRUMP. BUT, AFTER THIS WEEK, I THINK 280 00:33:51,507 --> 00:33:59,916 HE'S ALREADY LOCKED DOWN THAT INSANITY PLEA. SEMI-RETIRED MANIAC, DONALD 281 00:33:59,916 --> 00:34:02,218 TRUMP, HAS LAUNCHED A COLLECTION OF DIGITAL NFT TRADING CARDS DEPICTING HIM IN 282 00:34:02,218 --> 00:34:04,454 VARIOUS COSTUMES INCLUDING COWBOY, SUPER HERO AND MOST UNBELIEVABLE, GUY WHO DIDN'T 283 00:34:04,454 --> 00:34:14,697 DODGE THE DRAFT. I'M HONESTLY JUST RELIEVED THAT HE'S WEARING AN AMERICAN 284 00:34:14,697 --> 00:34:23,406 MILITARY UNIFORM. IT'S SUCH A FUNNY MOVE TO GET INTO NFTs AFTER THE WHOLE MARKET 285 00:34:23,406 --> 00:34:29,912 JUST CRASHED. IT'S LIKE GETTING INTO KANYE NOW, WHICH TRUMP ALSO KIND OF 286 00:34:29,912 --> 00:34:34,317 DID. SAM BANKMAN-FRIED WAS ARRESTED ON FRAUD CHARGES IN THE 287 00:34:34,317 --> 00:34:40,690 BAHAMAS, I'M GOING TO GUESS, WHILE SWIMMING IN A TEE SHIRT. PROSECUTORS ALLEGE THAT 288 00:34:40,690 --> 00:34:46,028 BANKMAN-FRIED TOOK FUNDS FROM FTX CUSTOMERS TO MAKE LARGE POLITICAL DONATIONS. 289 00:34:46,028 --> 00:34:56,506 THAT MONEY WILL NOW BE USED TO MAKE SURE THE CAMERAS OUTSIDE HIS JAIL CELL AREN'T WORKING. 290 00:34:56,506 --> 00:35:06,516 PRESIDENT BIDEN, SEASON HERE, GIVING THE EULOGY AT A PIMP'S FUNERAL, FORMALLY APPROVED NEW 291 00:35:06,516 --> 00:35:11,387 LEGISLATION TO GUARANTEE PROTECTIONS FOR SAME-SEX AND INTERRACIAL MARRIAGES, IN A 292 00:35:11,387 --> 00:35:17,460 SIGNING CEREMONY HELD OVER MY GRANDPA'S DEAD BODY. GEORGIA REPRESENTATIVE, 293 00:35:17,460 --> 00:35:23,332 MARJORIE TAYLOR GREEN, WHO LET'S FACE IT, IS ABSOLUTELY MY TYPE. COMPLAINED THAT PEOPLE CAN BUY 294 00:35:23,332 --> 00:35:34,110 BUTT PLUGS AT TARGET AND THAT THEY MELT AND ARE SHAPED LIKE SANTA. 295 00:35:34,110 --> 00:35:42,118 THIS WEEK, BIDEN ALSO HOSTED LEADERS OF AFRICAN COUNTRIES FOR THE U.S. AFRICAN BUSINESS FORUM. 296 00:35:42,118 --> 00:35:51,394 COINCIDENTALLY, U.S. AFRICAN BUSINESS FORUM IS WHAT THEY CALL WEEKEND UPDATE IN NIGERIA. 297 00:35:52,361 --> 00:36:02,505 WELL, IT IS CHRISTMAS TIME, A TIME WHEN NICE CHILDREN GET PRESENTS, NOT PRESIDENTS, NICE 298 00:36:02,505 --> 00:36:10,279 CHILDREN GET PRESENTS FROM SANTA AND BAD CHILDREN GET A VISIT FROM KRAMPUS, HERE TO VISIT US 299 00:36:10,279 --> 00:36:19,689 IS KRAMPUS. HEY, MICHAEL, HEY, COLIN. HEY, KRAMPUS. 300 00:36:19,689 --> 00:36:26,095 SO HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M GOOD. I'M A LITTLE BURNT OUT. 301 00:36:26,095 --> 00:36:33,970 I'M SO WRAPPED UP IN THIS JOB. EVERY YEAR I RISE FROM HELL, RUN AROUND, KIDNAP ALL THE NAUGHTY 302 00:36:33,970 --> 00:36:44,313 CHILDREN, AND I JUST GO HOME AND CHECK OUT. COLIN, YOU EVER WATCH FIVE HOURS 303 00:36:44,313 --> 00:36:50,286 STRAIGHT OF TV AND YOU HAVE EATEN 40 KIDS. WAIT, YOU EAT THE KIDS? 304 00:36:50,286 --> 00:36:54,524 THAT'S FINE. WHAT AM I DOING? I JUST TURNED 936. 305 00:36:54,524 --> 00:37:00,196 THESE SHOULD BE THE BEST YEARS OF MY LIFE. THEN I THINK OF MY DAD AT MY 306 00:37:00,196 --> 00:37:04,467 AGE, HE WAS ONE OF THE ORIGINAL GAYS AT SODOM, AND HE WAS MARRIED! 307 00:37:04,467 --> 00:37:08,137 THAT SOUNDS LIKE A LOT OF PRESSURE. YOU KNOW, THERE'S THIS GREAT 308 00:37:08,137 --> 00:37:12,208 QUOTE ABOUT SHAME. IT'S THE FEELING THAT PEOPLE ARE SAYING HURTFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU 309 00:37:12,208 --> 00:37:23,519 WHEN YOU LEAVE THE ROOM, AND I WAS LIKE, WOW. LIKE THAT REALLY RESONATED WITH 310 00:37:23,519 --> 00:37:26,823 ME. WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHO'S SHAMING YOU? 311 00:37:26,823 --> 00:37:34,263 LIKE PEOPLE IN BAVARIA DRESS UP LIKE ME, YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY BODY. 312 00:37:34,263 --> 00:37:37,567 YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF MY LIVELIHOOD. AND I'M SORRY. 313 00:37:37,567 --> 00:37:42,572 MY CULTURE IS NOT YOUR COSTUME. BUT THAT'S WHAT WE DO. WE DON'T PROTECT QUEER VOICES IN 314 00:37:42,572 --> 00:38:03,926 THIS COUNTRY. I'M SICK. OH, I HESITATE TO SAY HORNY, 315 00:38:03,926 --> 00:38:11,501 BUT I DO FEEL THAT'S APPROPRIATE. YOU'RE QUEER? 316 00:38:11,501 --> 00:38:21,711 YEAH, I'M A DEMON, I'M QUEER. THERE'S THIS GREAT LINE, SHE SAYS THEM HO ACCUSATIONS 317 00:38:21,711 --> 00:38:23,446 WEAK, THEM BITCH ACCUSATIONS TRUE. AND THAT REALLY RESONATED WITH 318 00:38:23,446 --> 00:38:26,716 ME. BECAUSE, YEAH, WHAT I DO ISN'T GREAT, BUT IT'S LIKE MY 319 00:38:26,716 --> 00:38:31,487 THERAPIST ALWAYS SAYS, KRAMPUS, YOUR JOB IS TO PUNISH CHILDREN, NOT YOURSELF. 320 00:38:31,487 --> 00:38:39,529 AND WHO IS YOUR THERAPIST? GHISLAINE MAXWELL. OH. 321 00:38:39,529 --> 00:38:45,301 WOW. SHE'S YOUR THERAPIST? BECAUSE SHE'S NOT DEAD. 322 00:38:45,301 --> 00:38:52,608 SHE COMMUTES, COLIN. IT'S HARD, YOU KNOW, I'M RUNNING AROUND CENTRAL EUROPE ON FOOT BY 323 00:38:52,608 --> 00:38:57,480 MYSELF AND SELF-REPORTING TO EVERY VILLAGE. MEANWHILE, I GREW UP SOLIDLY 324 00:38:57,480 --> 00:39:01,150 MIDDLE CLASS. MY MOTHER WAS A TEACHER. WHAT DID SHE TEACH? 325 00:39:01,150 --> 00:39:11,427 HOW TO EAT KIDS. SO AS MUCH AS I WANT TO QUIET QUIT I SHOW UP, AND I DO THE 326 00:39:11,427 --> 00:39:16,699 WORK. BECAUSE, I LIKE MYSELF. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY IT, MY 327 00:39:16,699 --> 00:39:20,770 FRIEND. WATER'S WARM. THERE'S A QUOTE ABOUT 328 00:39:20,770 --> 00:39:32,982 SELF-ACCEPTANCE, HE GHISLAINE IS A BAD THERAPIST. I'M FALLING APART. 329 00:39:34,117 --> 00:39:46,129 U.S. SCIENTISTS HAVE MADE A DISCOVERY THAT THEY HOPE WILL LEAD TO THE REMIX OF IGNITION. 330 00:39:46,129 --> 00:39:55,438 A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT USING SCREENS TO STOP A CHILD'S TANTRUMS CAN HARM THEIR ABILITY 331 00:39:55,438 --> 00:40:06,182 TO CONTROL THEIR EMOTIONS. THE STUDY IS CALLED "ELON MUSK." THEY ARE WORRIED THAT A 332 00:40:06,182 --> 00:40:15,958 RIVALRY BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP AND RON DeSANTIS COULD LEAD TO A CIVIL WAR, WHICH IS PERFECT, 333 00:40:15,958 --> 00:40:18,294 CIVIL WAR, WHICH IS PERFECT, BECAUSE THEY ALREADY HAVE THE FLAGS. 334 00:40:28,771 --> 00:40:34,377 WEEK WITH OUR FAMILIES, AND HERE TO TALK ABOUT IT IS MY GREAT AUNT PAT. 335 00:40:34,377 --> 00:40:39,649 HI, AUNT PAT. HI, HONEY, YOU LOOK DASHING AS EVER. 336 00:40:39,649 --> 00:40:44,387 AND MY, HOW IT'S NICE TO BE BACK ON UPDATE. YEAH, YEAH, EXCEPT YOU'VE 337 00:40:44,387 --> 00:40:49,192 NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE. COLIN, WHERE ARE YOUR MANNERS? 338 00:40:49,192 --> 00:40:53,629 NEVER, EVER QUESTION A LADY, ESPECIALLY AT CHRISTMAS TIME. I'M SO SORRY. 339 00:40:53,629 --> 00:40:57,667 WELCOME BACK TO UPDATE. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. 340 00:40:57,667 --> 00:41:08,678 NOW, COLIN, MANNERS ARE THE GLUE THAT HOLD SOCIETY TOGETHER. YOU KNOW YOU DIDN'T EVEN GREET 341 00:41:08,678 --> 00:41:10,613 ME CORRECTLY? I DIDN'T? NO, YOU SEE AT CHRISTMAS TIME 342 00:41:10,613 --> 00:41:13,116 YOU ALWAYS GREET YOUR ELDERS WITH A KISS ON THE LIPS. WHY, WHY THE LIPS? 343 00:41:13,116 --> 00:41:23,793 MANNERS, COLIN. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] OOH, MY APOLOGIES, MS. 344 00:41:23,793 --> 00:41:31,134 SCARLETT. I'M YOUR AUNT, BOY. I AM GOING TO NEED A DRINK AFTER 345 00:41:31,134 --> 00:41:42,845 THAT. WHERE'S MY BUTLER? MIKEY DAY! 346 00:41:42,845 --> 00:41:44,781 MIKEY DAY! YES, PAT. MIKEY, YOU'RE BUTLERING FOR 347 00:41:44,781 --> 00:41:46,616 MY AUNT PAT? YEAH, I'M NOT IN A LOT OF SKETCHES, AND I NEED MONEY FOR 348 00:41:46,616 --> 00:41:58,327 CHRISTMAS. WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU. I'LL TAKE A SLOW GIN JUICE. 349 00:41:58,327 --> 00:42:09,338 SORRY A SLOW GIN JIZ? YES, A SLOW GIN JIZ. ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU, MIKEY DAY. 350 00:42:09,338 --> 00:42:11,207 THANK YOU. AND THAT WILL BE ALL, MIKEY DAY. 351 00:42:11,207 --> 00:42:15,712 THAT WILL BE ALL. MIKEY, THAT WILL BE ALL. YOU CAN GO NOW. 352 00:42:15,712 --> 00:42:22,552 AUNT PAT, AUNT PAT. DID YOU JUST TAP HIS CROTCH? YOU MEAN A BOUF ON THE GOOCH? 353 00:42:22,552 --> 00:42:30,126 YOU KNOW GASPY LOVES TO BE GREETED WITH A BOUF ON THE GOOCH. 354 00:42:30,126 --> 00:42:39,669 GATSBY IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER. COLIN, I JUST SAW ON YOUR 355 00:42:39,669 --> 00:42:44,774 MONITOR, MY SLOW GIN JIZ HAS ALMOST COMPLETELY WIPED AWAY MY LIP STAIN. 356 00:42:44,774 --> 00:42:47,143 MIKEY DAY? YES, PAT. YES. 357 00:42:47,143 --> 00:42:49,979 LIPSTICK. YOU APPLY IT TO YOUR LIPS, THEN YOU PUT YOUR LIPS ON MINE. 358 00:42:49,979 --> 00:42:57,720 OH, MIKEY, YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO. COLIN, MANNERS, COLIN. 359 00:42:57,720 --> 00:43:05,261 IT'S LIKE BREAKING APART. ALL RIGHT, MIKEY DAY. ALL RIGHT. 360 00:43:05,261 --> 00:43:09,532 LOOKS LIKE WE BOTH HAD SMOKED SALMON FOR DINNER. MM. 361 00:43:09,532 --> 00:43:15,104 THANK YOU. OKAY. OKAY, THANK YOU, MIKEY DAY. 362 00:43:15,104 --> 00:43:24,847 YOU GAVE HIM ONE DOLLAR? THAT WILL BE ALL, MIKEY DAY. THAT WILL BE ALL. 363 00:43:24,847 --> 00:43:29,485 AUNT PAT, NONE OF THIS IS ETIQUETTE. IT SEEMS LIKE YOU JUST WANT TO 364 00:43:29,485 --> 00:43:36,993 KISS AND FONDLE MOVIE STARS. COLIN! MOVIE STARS? 365 00:43:36,993 --> 00:43:47,670 YOU BOYS AREN'T MOVIE STARS. YOU'RE TV MUPPETS. AUNT PAT. 366 00:43:47,670 --> 00:43:58,681 AUNT PAT, YOU'RE OUT OF CONTROL. NO, I'M STAYIN' HERE, BECAUSE I HAVE A GIFT FOR YOU. 367 00:43:58,681 --> 00:44:05,421 MIKEY DAY? MIKEY. I WANT TO GIVE COLIN HIS 368 00:44:05,421 --> 00:44:14,497 CHRISTMAS GIFT, BUT HIS LIPS ARE A LITTLE DRY. MIKEY, DO WHAT YOU DO. 369 00:44:14,497 --> 00:44:19,769 THAT'S OKAY, I PUT ON A LITTLE LIPSTICK BEFORE I CAME OUT HERE. 370 00:44:19,769 --> 00:44:23,973 THAT'S OKAY. OOH. YES. 371 00:44:23,973 --> 00:44:30,580 THANK YOU. THANK YOU. NOW, I'M HAVING A SLOW GIN 372 00:44:30,580 --> 00:44:34,517 JIZ OF MY OWN HERE. OKAY, NOW ME NOW. ME NOW. 373 00:44:34,517 --> 00:44:37,653 A LITTLE TONGUE, ALL RIGHT, OKAY. THANK YOU, MIKEY DAY. 374 00:44:37,653 --> 00:44:46,262 YOU CAN RUN ALONG NOW. MY GREAT AUNT [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 375 00:44:50,900 --> 00:44:56,305 A MAN WHO MADE AVIATION HISTORY BY PARACHUTING OUT OF A HOT AIR BALLOON 20 MILES ABOVE 376 00:44:56,305 --> 00:45:03,312 THE EARTH HAS DIED AT THE AGE OF 94 WHEN HE FINALLY HIT THE GROUND. 377 00:45:03,312 --> 00:45:08,951 RESEARCHERS ARE SAYING THAT FOR MORE THAN A DECADE, THEY TRACKED A HUMPBACK WHALE AS IT 378 00:45:08,951 --> 00:45:12,688 SWAM OVER 3,000 MILES FROM CANADA TO HAWAII WITH A BROKEN SPINE. 379 00:45:12,688 --> 00:45:20,263 THEY EVEN GOT A RECORDING OF ITS WHALE SONG. * OW, OW, OW, OW, OW * 380 00:45:24,100 --> 00:45:31,941 2022 IS ALMOST OVER, AND OOH-WEE, DID A LOT HAPPEN. HERE TO HELP US MAKE SENSE OF IT 381 00:45:31,941 --> 00:45:43,019 ALL IS TWO-TIME HEISMAN TROPHY STEALER, CATHY ANNE. HO, HO, HO, MICHAEL CHO. 382 00:45:43,019 --> 00:45:49,292 YOU LOOK ADORABLE. I LOVE YOUR SANTA HAT. IT'S COVERING UP A GIANT OPEN 383 00:45:49,292 --> 00:45:53,129 WOUND. I GOT A LITTLE SCALPED. YOU GOT SCALPED? 384 00:45:53,129 --> 00:45:57,767 I FELL ASLEEP ON AN ESCALATOR. IT IS JUST A MESS UP HERE. 385 00:45:57,767 --> 00:46:03,306 BUT AT LEAST NOW THE CURTAINS MATCH THE DRAPES. YUCK, CATHY ANNE. 386 00:46:03,306 --> 00:46:14,550 WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU GO TO THE WORST PRAISE PLACE 387 00:46:14,550 --> 00:46:18,788 AND YOU FIGURE IT OUT. WHAT'S GOT YOUR GOOSE TONIGHT? 388 00:46:18,788 --> 00:46:24,594 GLAD YOU ASKED, YOU SEXY PIECE OF CRAP. I'M HERE TO SAY GOOD-BYE. 389 00:46:24,594 --> 00:46:29,098 WHERE YOU GOIN'? TURNS OUT, PRISON. PRISON? 390 00:46:29,098 --> 00:46:40,009 THE THINGS I'VE ADMITTED TO YOU ADDED UP. DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY. 391 00:46:40,009 --> 00:46:43,946 METH, METH AND CRACK. SONIC ATTACKS. WHAT THE RUSSIANS DO WITH 392 00:46:43,946 --> 00:46:50,653 SOUND WAVES? NO, I DID AN UPPER DECKER AT THE SOFT SERVER AT SONIC. 393 00:46:50,653 --> 00:46:56,325 BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DID END UP WITH PRETTY BAD HEADACHES. BUT IT WORKED OUT OKAY, BECAUSE 394 00:46:56,325 --> 00:47:04,067 I MADE A PLEA DEAL, I ENDED UP GETTING LIFE IN PRISON THAT'S A BAD DEAL. 395 00:47:04,067 --> 00:47:10,106 THEY WANTED TO KILL ME. THEY BROUGHT THE CHAIR BACK AND HAD ME TRY THE HAT ON AND 396 00:47:10,106 --> 00:47:15,778 EVERYTHING. I'M SORRY YOU'RE GOING TO PRISON. 397 00:47:15,778 --> 00:47:19,482 I'M NOT. IT'S GOING TO GIVE ME MUCH-NEEDED STABILITY. 398 00:47:19,482 --> 00:47:24,454 AND I'M NOT TOO SCARED. I GOT FRIENDS ON THE INSIDE. THEY SEEM TO BE DOING OKAY. 399 00:47:24,454 --> 00:47:28,691 AND IT'S OKAY, YOU KNOW. LY A GOOD RUN, I MINE, I MET YOU. 400 00:47:28,691 --> 00:47:33,262 WE FELL IN LOVE, WE MADE A SEX TAPE. CATHY ANNE, YOU GETTING 401 00:47:33,262 --> 00:47:46,109 CAUGHT ON MY RING CAM MASTURBATING IS NOT A SEX TAPE. TOMATO, TO-MA-TO. 402 00:47:46,109 --> 00:47:51,514 HERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU AND ME DOING UPDATE TOGETHER. WHOA, CATHY ANNE, YOU LOOK SO 403 00:47:51,514 --> 00:47:54,951 DIFFERENT. WHAT HAPPENED? OKAY, EXCUSE ME, LOOK AT YOU. 404 00:47:54,951 --> 00:48:02,291 HAVE YOU SEEN YOU NOW VERSUS WHEN YOU STARTED, MR. SILVER FOX? 405 00:48:02,291 --> 00:48:06,329 TURNING INTO OBAMA. ALL RIGHT, THAT'S FAIR, FAIR. LISTEN, LISTEN. 406 00:48:06,329 --> 00:48:10,566 EVERYBODY HAS TO GO TO JAIL AT SOME POINT, RIGHT? JUST MY TIME NOW. 407 00:48:10,566 --> 00:48:16,739 BUT I'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN HERE, AND I FEEL REALLY LUCKY THAT I GOT TO HAVE SO MANY OF THE BEST 408 00:48:16,739 --> 00:48:28,985 MOMENTS OF MY LIFE IN THIS PLACE WITH THESE PEOPLE THAT I LOVE SO MUCH. 409 00:48:28,985 --> 00:48:36,325 BUT I DON'T KNOW, TAKE THAT WITH A GRAIN OF SALT GIVE THAN I HAVE ADDICTION ISSUES. 410 00:48:36,325 --> 00:48:43,099 ANOTHER DRUG ADDICT SAID, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME, AND THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE THE HOME I 411 00:48:43,099 --> 00:48:49,238 GOT TO YELL OUTSIDE MICHAEL CHE'S WINDOW. AND JUST REMEMBER, 412 00:48:49,238 --> 00:49:06,122 AND JUST REMEMBER, * I DID IT HIGH, CHE * OH, MY GOD, I LIT IT! 413 00:49:06,155 --> 00:49:09,592 (**) 414 00:49:16,833 --> 00:49:18,601 AND MAYBE NEXT YEAR WE CAN 415 00:49:18,601 --> 00:49:22,905 HOST THIS PARTY IN THE BAHAMAS. CHEERS, EVERYBODY. CHEERS. 416 00:49:22,905 --> 00:49:27,243 SERIOUSLY, THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING TONIGHT. NOW WHY DON'T WE START THE WHITE 417 00:49:27,243 --> 00:49:31,647 ELEPHANT GIFT EXCHANGE. DOES EVERYONE KNOW HOW THIS WORKS? 418 00:49:31,647 --> 00:49:33,349 REMIND ME AGAIN? WE ALL TAKE TURNS GRABBING GIFTS, RIGHT? 419 00:49:33,349 --> 00:49:40,289 BUT YOU ONLY PICK WHEN YOUR NUMBER IS CALLED. BUT WE CAN STEAL, RIGHT? 420 00:49:40,289 --> 00:49:48,965 EXACTAMUNDO. WHO'S GOT NUMBER ONE? THAT WOULD BE ME. 421 00:49:48,965 --> 00:49:52,335 ALL RIGHT, WHAT HAVE WE GOT HERE? MM, THAT'S A CANDLE RIGHT HERE. 422 00:49:52,335 --> 00:49:59,308 LOVE IT. OKAY WHO'S NEXT? WHO'S NEXT? 423 00:49:59,308 --> 00:50:09,819 NUMBER TWO RIGHT HERE. OH, NICE! A SWEET ASHTRAY, OH, YOU KNOW, I 424 00:50:09,819 --> 00:50:18,127 WAS JUST SAYING I NEEDED SOMETHING LIKE THIS. I'M GOING TO USE THIS AS A 425 00:50:18,127 --> 00:50:24,100 CATCHALL BY THE FRONT DOOR OF MY PLACE SO WHEN I GET HOME FROM A LONG DAY I CAN PUT ALL MY RINGS 426 00:50:24,100 --> 00:50:30,473 AND BRACELETS AND PLAYING CARDS AND STUFF FROM MY POCKETS RIGHT HERE. 427 00:50:30,473 --> 00:50:35,478 TO WHOEVER GOT THIS, THANK YOU, FOR REAL. I AM GOING CHERISH THIS FOREVER. 428 00:50:35,478 --> 00:50:48,024 IT IS PERFECT. LET'S MOVE ON. I'M NUMBER THREE. 429 00:50:48,024 --> 00:50:53,463 I'M GOING TO STEAL. I LIKE SHAWN'S GIFT. SO WHAT, NOW I JUST DON'T GET 430 00:50:53,463 --> 00:50:58,367 A GIFT? NO, SHAWN, YOU CAN GO BACK TO THE UNOPEN GIFTS, OR CAN YOU 431 00:50:58,367 --> 00:51:01,971 STEAL. OKAY, I'LL STEAL MY GIFT BACK. 432 00:51:01,971 --> 00:51:09,345 NO, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN DO THAT. YEAH, YOU HAVE TO GRAB 433 00:51:09,345 --> 00:51:13,116 SOMEONE ELSE'S. THAT'S NOT FAIR THAT YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO DO THAT, 434 00:51:13,116 --> 00:51:18,121 THAT'S LIKE MEAN. THAT'S MEAN AS HELL. YOU KNOW WHAT, AVA? 435 00:51:18,121 --> 00:51:28,464 YOU ARE A WICKED LITTLE WOMAN. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, SHAWN, I'M GOING TO NEED TO YOU CHILLAX. 436 00:51:28,464 --> 00:51:33,202 THAT'S OUT GAME IS PLAYED, DUDE. YOU SHOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE 437 00:51:33,202 --> 00:51:38,975 SOMEONE'S GIFT FOR THEM IF IT'S RIGHT FOR THEM. FOR EXAMPLE, I WOULDN'T TAKE 438 00:51:38,975 --> 00:51:42,478 JANETTE'S SCENTED CANDLE BECAUSE LETTER HOUSE STINKS. WHAT? 439 00:51:42,478 --> 00:51:46,516 WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU NEED THAT CANDLE. WE'VE ALL BEEN TO YOUR HOUSE. 440 00:51:46,516 --> 00:51:54,490 IT'S OKAY, JUST TAKE A DIFFERENT GIFT. ALL RIGHT, WHATEVER. 441 00:51:54,490 --> 00:51:59,162 ARE YOU GOING TO OPEN IT? WHY? IT'S JUST GOING TO SUCK. 442 00:51:59,162 --> 00:52:04,267 HEY, LET'S ALL TAKE A CHILL PILL AND PUSH THROUGH. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, 443 00:52:04,267 --> 00:52:08,271 REMEMBER? WHO'S NEXT? JANETTE, COULD I GET A WHIFF 444 00:52:08,271 --> 00:52:11,841 YOUR CANDLE? I THINK I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING. 445 00:52:11,841 --> 00:52:16,145 SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO USE IT, TO SMOKE DOPE? SHAWN! 446 00:52:16,145 --> 00:52:25,922 LOOK AT HER, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY DOPED OUT OF HER HEAD RIGHT NOW. TOTAL DOPEHEAD. 447 00:52:25,922 --> 00:52:35,631 YOU'RE GOING A CHILD. JUST OPEN YOUR GIFT. LET'S SEE WHAT CRAP AWAITS. 448 00:52:35,631 --> 00:52:43,506 IT'S ADDRESSED TO ME. WHO WROTE MY NAME ON THIS ONE? OH, MY GOODNESS. 449 00:52:43,506 --> 00:52:48,144 IT'S THE SAME CATCHALL, BUT IN JET BLACK. THAT'S LIKE EVEN MORE AWESOME 450 00:52:48,144 --> 00:52:53,649 THAN THE OTHER ONE, BECAUSE JET BLACK IS MY FAVORITE COLOR. YOUR FAVORITE COLOR IS JET 451 00:52:53,649 --> 00:52:57,286 BLACK? IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE, GUYS! 452 00:52:57,286 --> 00:53:01,424 WHO DID THIS? COME ON, FESS UP, SOMEBODY. IT WASN'T ME. 453 00:53:01,424 --> 00:53:12,168 I DIDN'T. THAT MUST MEAN -- HO, HO, HO, HO, SANTA CLAUS 454 00:53:12,168 --> 00:53:17,106 HERE, TELLING YOU THAT IF SOMEONE IS LUCKY ENOUGH TO GET A PERFECT GIFT AT THE WHITE 455 00:53:17,106 --> 00:53:22,111 ELEPHANT GIFT EXCHANGE, LET THEM KEEP IT. IT COSTS YOU NOTHING TO BE NICE. 456 00:53:22,111 --> 00:53:30,319 NOW YOU MIGHT WONDER HOW I KNEW SHAWN WANTED THAT CATCHALL. JUST CALL IT FATHER'S INTUITION. 457 00:53:30,319 --> 00:53:36,559 JUST CALL IT FATHER'S INTUITION. HO, HO, MERRY CHRISTMAS! HO, HO, HO! 458 00:53:38,394 --> 00:53:44,033 IS IMPRESSED BY CHRISTMAS STUFF. HI, I'M JENNIFER COOLIDGE. I LOVE CHRISTMAS. 459 00:53:44,033 --> 00:53:51,674 OH, LOOK AT THIS. A BIG SOCK FULL OF GIFTS. YOU KNOW, THE ULTIMATE STOCKING 460 00:53:51,674 --> 00:54:06,089 STUFFER IS A FOOT. AH, CHRISTMAS LIGHTS. SO COLORFUL, YOU KNOW, ONE YEAR, 461 00:54:06,089 --> 00:54:13,429 I GOT THE BLINKING ONES, I LEFT MY CHRISTMAS TREE ON ALL NIGHT AND LEARNED MY CAT WAS 462 00:54:13,429 --> 00:54:19,469 EPILEPTIC. OH, THAT'S REALLY GOOD! DID YOU WRITE THIS SONG? 463 00:54:19,469 --> 00:54:25,808 DID I WRITE "JINGLE BELLS"? YEAH. NO. 464 00:54:25,808 --> 00:54:30,480 THEN WHO DID? I DON'T KNOW. SOME GUY. 465 00:54:30,480 --> 00:54:43,459 MM, A BIG CUP OF EGGNOG! KIND OF WEIRD. TASTE LIKE I'M DRINKING SANTA'S 466 00:54:43,459 --> 00:54:53,569 [ BLEEP ]! OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I FORGOT TO MAKE A WISH. 467 00:54:53,569 --> 00:54:59,242 WOW, CHRISTMAS PRESENTS. COULD BE ANYTHING IN HERE. I WANT TO SHAKE IT. 468 00:54:59,242 --> 00:55:06,816 GIVE ME SOME MUSIC! * * SOUNDS LIKE AN ANTIQUE DOLL WITH 469 00:55:06,816 --> 00:55:16,359 ONE EYE. OH. I WAS RIGHT! 470 00:55:26,169 --> 00:55:34,110 ONCE AGAIN, LIZZO! [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] ** 471 00:55:34,110 --> 00:55:42,285 * SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS MEN WON'T BE BOYS * * PLAYING WITH BOMBS 472 00:55:42,285 --> 00:55:51,694 LIKE KIDS PLAY WITH TOYS * * ONE WARM DECEMBER OUR HEARTS WILL SEE * 473 00:55:51,694 --> 00:56:00,303 * A WORLD WHERE WE ARE FREE SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS * * THERE'LL BE NO WARS 474 00:56:00,303 --> 00:56:07,643 WHEN WE HAVE LEARNED * * WHAT CHRISTMAS IS FOR WHEN WE HAVE FOUND * 475 00:56:07,643 --> 00:56:17,754 * WHAT LIFE'S REALLY WORTH THERE'LL BE PEACE ON EARTH * * SOMEDAY ALL OUR DREAMS 476 00:56:17,754 --> 00:56:25,828 WILL COME TO BE * * SOMEDAY IN A WORLD WHERE WE ARE FREE * 477 00:56:25,828 --> 00:56:35,104 * MAYBE JUST IN TIME FOR YOU AND ME * * SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME 478 00:56:35,104 --> 00:56:42,712 SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS * * WE'LL SEE A LAND WITH NO HUNGRY CHILDREN * 479 00:56:42,712 --> 00:56:49,819 * NO EMPTY HAND ONE HAPPY MORNING * * PEOPLE WILL SHARE 480 00:56:49,819 --> 00:56:57,727 OUR WORLD WHERE * * PEOPLE CARE WHOA, SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS * 481 00:56:57,727 --> 00:57:04,400 * THERE'LL BE NO TEARS WHEN WE'RE ALL EQUAL * * AND NO ONE HAS FEARS 482 00:57:04,400 --> 00:57:15,311 ONE SHINING MOMENT * * ONE PRAYER AWAY FROM OUR WORLD TODAY * 483 00:57:15,311 --> 00:57:21,984 * SOMEDAY ALL OUR DREAMS WILL COME TO BE * * SOMEDAY IN A WORLD 484 00:57:21,984 --> 00:57:31,694 WHERE WE ARE FREE * * MAYBE JUST IN TIME FOR YOU AND ME * 485 00:57:31,694 --> 00:57:39,836 * SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMAS * * WE WILL NOT FAIL 486 00:57:39,836 --> 00:57:47,243 HATE WILL BE GONE * * AND LOVE WILL PREVAIL IN A NEW WORLD * 487 00:57:47,243 --> 00:57:57,120 * THAT WE CAN START WITH HOPE IN EVERY HEART * * SOMEDAY ALL OUR DREAMS 488 00:57:57,120 --> 00:58:05,228 WILL COME TO BE * * SOMEDAY WE'LL BE FREE * 489 00:58:05,228 --> 00:58:18,875 * MAYBE JUST IN TIME FOR YOU AND ME * * SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME 490 00:58:18,875 --> 00:58:28,851 SOMEDAY AT CHRISTMASTIME * ** [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 491 00:58:33,589 --> 00:58:39,328 SOMETHING LIKE THAT. THAT COULD BE A FUNNY SKETCH. THANKS, MAN, YEAH. 492 00:58:39,328 --> 00:58:49,505 HEY, WHY DON'T WE CELEBRATE WITH A GLASS OF RED WINE. OH, MY SHIRT. 493 00:58:49,505 --> 00:58:53,309 NOW I'M GOING TO LOOK LIKE A SLOB FOR THE DATE I HAVE TONIGHT. 494 00:58:53,309 --> 00:58:58,715 DON'T YOU HATE WHEN THIS HAPPENS? I WISH THERE WAS A SOLUTION TO THIS VERY COMMON 495 00:58:58,715 --> 00:59:07,056 PROBLEM. WHAT'S THAT? I SAID I WISH THERE WAS A 496 00:59:07,056 --> 00:59:12,762 SOLUTION TO THIS VERY COMMON PROBLEM. WELL, NOW THERE IS, THE 497 00:59:12,762 --> 00:59:17,233 PLIRT. THE SHIRT MADE OF 100% PLASTIC. THAT'S PLASTIC? 498 00:59:17,233 --> 00:59:22,772 IT LOOKS LIKE A REGULAR SHIRT. I KNOW IT DOES, BUT IT MEANS SPILLS AND STAINS RINSE RIGHT 499 00:59:22,772 --> 00:59:28,144 OFF. GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON? THANKS TO MARTIN'S PLIRT, HIS 500 00:59:28,144 --> 00:59:32,515 DATE NIGHT JUST TURNED INTO A SEX NIGHT. MAN, THEY'RE COMFY. 501 00:59:32,515 --> 00:59:38,621 HEY, MARTIN, IS THIS COMPANY LOOKING FOR INVESTORS? THEY NEED INVESTORS BAD! 502 00:59:38,621 --> 00:59:42,658 BECAUSE THEY'RE SO IN THE RED RIGHT NOW. AUSTIN? 503 00:59:42,658 --> 00:59:46,396 YOU WANT ME TO INVEST IN YOUR COMPANY. AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE US IF 504 00:59:46,396 --> 00:59:51,834 WE TOLD YOU THAT THEY'RE GOOD FOR THE ENVIRONMENT? PLASTIC SHIRTS? 505 00:59:51,834 --> 00:59:56,205 NO, BUT WE WERE HOPING WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT. TRY ONE ON. 506 00:59:56,205 --> 01:00:01,110 IT'S LIKE A PHONE CASE. WE GOOGLED AND WE KNOW YOU HAVE ENOUGH MONEY. 507 01:00:01,110 --> 01:00:04,747 GUYS, I CAN'T MOVE MY ARMS IN THIS. SURE YOU CAN. 508 01:00:04,747 --> 01:00:12,355 WATCH ME WATCH THIS CUP. I ALMOST HAD IT. THEY'RE STYLISH, STAINPROOF 509 01:00:12,355 --> 01:00:19,195 AND NOT FOR PREGNANT WOMEN. WHAT WAS THAT LAST ONE? SLEEK, LIGHTWEIGHT AND 510 01:00:19,195 --> 01:00:24,467 INTERNAL TEMPERATURE OF 110 DEGREES. THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS WHERE MY 511 01:00:24,467 --> 01:00:31,841 PLANTS. AND THEY SELL PLIKINIS. WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE 512 01:00:31,841 --> 01:00:35,478 THIS? BECAUSE WE NEED THE MONEY, MAN! 513 01:00:35,478 --> 01:00:48,491 WE MAKE $30 A VIDEO. HOW DID YOU GET THE MONEY FOR THE PLOTHING? 514 01:00:48,491 --> 01:00:57,533 I GOT THE HELP FROM MY GIRL. YOU'RE DATING LIZZO? AND BY THE WAY, I'M NOT 515 01:00:57,533 --> 01:01:01,738 WEARING ANY PLANTIES. THESE ARE DANGEROUS AND INSANE. 516 01:01:01,738 --> 01:01:12,548 THEY DO NOT BELONG IN THE OFFICE OR ON THE STREETS. THEY BELONG ON THE RUNWAY! 517 01:01:12,548 --> 01:01:19,021 * * PLIRTS. PLIRTS. 518 01:01:19,021 --> 01:01:25,261 PLIRT. LOVE MIGHT AND CHEMICAL, BUT THEN AGAIN, SO IS PLASTIC. 519 01:01:25,261 --> 01:01:26,963 LOVE MIGHT AND CHEMICAL, BUT THEN AGAIN, SO IS PLASTIC. IN STORES NOW. 520 01:01:39,442 --> 01:01:47,250 ON BREAK FOR CHRISTMAS. AS SOME OF YOU KNOW, THIS IS CECILY'S LAST DAY WORKING AT 521 01:01:47,250 --> 01:01:50,153 RADIO SHACK, AFTER EIGHT INCREDIBLE YEARS. WELL, I'VE BEEN HERE 11. 522 01:01:50,153 --> 01:01:52,221 I KNOW, AND EIGHT OF THEM WERE INCREDIBLE. HONESTLY, I DON'T THINK RADIO 523 01:01:52,221 --> 01:01:57,660 SHACK COULD HAVE SURVIVED THIS LONG WITHOUT CECILY. EVERY TIME SHE CAME TO WORK, SHE 524 01:01:57,660 --> 01:02:03,499 HAD A NEW CHARACTER OR NEW ACCENT OR NEW IMPRESSION THAT WOULD BLOW YOU AWAY. 525 01:02:03,499 --> 01:02:08,805 SHE'D HAVE A POWER AND JOY TO HER PERFORMANCE THAT MADE YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU LOVED WORKING 526 01:02:08,805 --> 01:02:16,479 AT RADIO SHACK IN THE FIRST PLACE. I KNOW I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY 527 01:02:16,479 --> 01:02:21,250 THIS AS YOUR BOSS, BUT I LOVE YOU, CECILY. I LOVE YOU TOO, MR. FRANK 528 01:02:21,250 --> 01:02:29,525 LASAGNA. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT IS MY NAME. 529 01:02:29,525 --> 01:02:32,562 NOW WE ALL POOLED OUR MONEY TOGETHER, MONEY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO GO TO CHILDREN IN 530 01:02:32,562 --> 01:02:36,532 NEED, AND WE DECIDED TO HIRE A SPECIAL GUEST FOR OUR CHRISTMAS PARTY INSTEAD. 531 01:02:36,532 --> 01:02:42,638 UNFORTUNATELY, THE COSTUME WAS EXTRA, AND WE CHOSE TO NOT SPRING FOR THAT. 532 01:02:42,638 --> 01:02:52,148 SO PLEASE WELCOME, CASUAL ELVIS. * * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 533 01:02:52,148 --> 01:02:55,451 THANK YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. YEAH, WE DIDN'T PAY FOR 534 01:02:55,451 --> 01:03:04,894 THE VOICE EITHER. CECILY, I'VE ONLY MET YOU THIS WEEK, BUT IT FEELS LIKE 535 01:03:04,894 --> 01:03:11,868 I'VE KNOWN YOU FOR TWO WEEKS, AND I KNOW I SPEAK FOR EVERYONE WHEN I SAY, * 536 01:03:11,868 --> 01:03:29,118 I'LL HAVE BLUE * * CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU * * WE'LL BE SO BLUE * 537 01:03:29,118 --> 01:03:42,131 * JUST THINKIN' ABOUT YOU * * ALL THE SKETCHES * * WITH DOGS * 538 01:03:42,131 --> 01:03:57,213 * OR WHEN A GUY'S GOT ONE TOO * * WON'T BE THE SAME, DEAR * * WHEN YOU GO * 539 01:03:57,213 --> 01:04:12,562 * AND WHEN THOSE BLUE * * SNOWFLAKES START FALLIN' * * THAT'S WHEN THOSE BLUE * 540 01:04:12,562 --> 01:04:34,684 * MEMORIES START CALLIN' * * YOU'LL BE DOIN' ALL RIGHT * * EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT * 541 01:04:34,684 --> 01:04:45,428 * BUT I'LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE, BLUE, BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS * * WE'LL HAVE A BLUE * 542 01:04:45,428 --> 01:05:04,080 * CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU * * WE'LL BE SO BLUE * * JUST THINKIN' ABOUT YOU * 543 01:05:04,080 --> 01:05:18,261 * YOU'LL BE DOING ALL RIGHT * * WITH YOUR CHRISTMAS SO WHITE * * BUT WE'LL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE, 544 01:05:18,261 --> 01:05:31,407 BLUE, BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS * * BECAUSE YOU'LL BE DOIN' ALL RIGHT * 545 01:05:31,407 --> 01:05:46,122 * EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT * * BUT WE'LL ALL HAVE A BLUE, BLUE, BLUE, BLUE CHRISTMAS * 546 01:05:46,122 --> 01:06:07,844 * * [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 547 01:06:23,526 --> 01:06:27,430 THANK YOU SO MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. THANK YOU TO ALL OF THE AMAZING 548 01:06:27,430 --> 01:06:32,735 CAST MEMBERS WHO WELCOMED ME SO WARMLY. YOU GUYS ARE ALL AMAZING. 549 01:06:32,735 --> 01:06:43,946 I'M JUST SO GRATEFUL TO BE HERE. THANK YOU, LIZZO! THANK YOU! 550 01:06:43,946 --> 01:06:55,491 CECILY, I'M SO GLAD I GOT TO MEET YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 551 01:06:55,491 --> 01:07:03,633 MEET YOU. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY