Original subtitles

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALMOST

CHRISTMAS. IS IT ALREADY YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT MA MARIAH CAREY SAW HER SHADOW.

I'M STILL SIGNING MY CHECKS 2019. I'M CONCERNED YOU'RE STILL

WRITING CHECKS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. THE WHOLE WORLD IS SO

OVERWHELMING SOMETIMES WORLD, DOCUMENTARIES, PRINCE HARRY AND MEGHAN DOCUMENTARIES.

I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE DOING MORE FOR MYSELF AND SOCIETY, BUT THEN I REMEMBER --

* IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND ALL OF MY STRESS FADES AWAY * * ALL THE ISSUES AND CRYING AND

TISSUES CAN WAIT UNTIL JANUARY * YOU JUST GIVE YOUR CONCERNS A DELAY?

* TILL CHRISTMAS YOU JUST BLOCK YOUR FEELINGS OUT SO THEY CAN'T HURT YOU

EXACTLY. OH. LIKE --

* MY DRINKING, IT'S STARTING TO GET OUT OF HAND * * I KNOW IT MAY HAVE CROSSED

INTO A DARK PLACE WHEN BURGER KING SAID I WAS BANNED * * MAYBE I'LL JUST MAKE THAT MY

BRAND, TILL CHRISTMAS * YOU'RE GETTING IT WHAT ABOUT YOU

I DON'T KNOW. LET ME TRY * MY MENTAL HEALTH HASN'T BEEN

GREAT * * I WAKE UP AT NOON, THE SUN SOMEHOW SETTING, AND I FALL BACK

ASLEEP AROUND 8:00 * * BUT I CAN LIVE IN A DELUSIONA STATE FOR CHRISTMAS *

WE HEARD YOU GUYS SING ABOUT YOUR ANXIETY IN AN UNHEALTHY WAY.

WE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT SPECIFIC PEOPLE TOO LIKE -- * ELON, WHY DOES HE OWN ALL THE

STUFF * * WHY DOES HE HAVE TO RUN TESLA AND TWITTER, WAS OUTER SPACE NOT

ENOUGH * * AND HITLER, SINCE WHEN DID HITLER COME BACK *

* DID WE BASICALLY ALL AGREE YEARS AGO HITLER SHOULD NEVER COME BACK *

* AND WHY ARE HIS NEW FANS BLACK * * CHRISTMAS, LET'S BLOCK IT ALL

OUT FOR CHRISTMAS * * IT'S OVER OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER *

* FAMILY VISITS, YOU JUST WANT TO HIDE * * THAT'S WHY I DRINK EGGNOG WIT

THE XANEX INSIDE * * FORGET YOUR UNCLE IF YOU WAIT TOO LONG *

* YOUR GRANDMA WON'T WHISPER YOU'RE LIVING IN SIN * * SO JUST TIKTOK ON THE TOILET

TILL YOUR ASS GIVES IN * * IT'S EASIER TO BUY A GUN THAN TICKETS TO TAYLOR SWIFT *

* STOP STRESSING ABOUT EVERY DECISION * * JUST FOCUS ON WHO'S GOING TO

DIE IN WHITE LOTUS * * CUZ IT'S CHRISTMAS DID SOMEBODY ORDER GRUB HUB

MY DINNER IS HERE I GOT ITALIAN. THAT'S ONE ORDER OF GARLIC

BREAD AND 12 BOTTLES OF WINE. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CAN LEAVE THE WINE OVER

THERE. DID YOU WANT TO GARLIC BREAD? I THINK YOU KNOW I DON'T.

I FEEL LIKE ALL OUR HOLIDAY WORRIES HAVE GONE AWAY. ME TOO.

EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF THINGS * SCHOOLS ARE FAILING, KIDS DON'T KNOW JACK *

* COVID NEVER LEFT AND ALSO IT' BACK * * R. KELLY DROPPED AN ALBUM

CALLED I ADMIT IT * * I REALLY WANT TO SHOUT, BUT I'M BLOCKING EVERYTHING OUT FOR

CHRISTMAS * * FOR CHRISTMAS OKAY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SO YOU BURY ALL YOUR FEELINGS FOR CHRISTMAS, OKAY, BUT WHAT

HAPPENS IN JANUARY WELL, THEN, WE EXPLODE. * WE FREAK OUT AND THREATEN OUR

EX * * WE DRINK TO THE POINT WHERE W CONTEMPLATE MURDER AND ACCEPT

VENMO PAYMENTS FOR SEX * * BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS NEXT BECAUSE FOR NOW IT'S

CHRISTMAS * HO, HO, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK -- WAIT

DID YOU SAY VENMO PAYMENTS FOR SEX? IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT

SEX? IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT

MUSICAL GUEST, BRANDI CARLILE. AND YOUR HOSTS, STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT

[ APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU! THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE I'M --

AND I'M STEVE MARTIN. AND WE'RE SO EXCITED -- AND WHAT A THRILL IT IS FOR

US TO BE HOEGS "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." STEVE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE

YOU HOSTED OH, GOSH, I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT

OH, GOSH, I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT HIT IT

AND HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HOSTED, MARTY? HIT IT.

[ APPLAUSE ] I'M KIND OF AN A NOSTALGIA MODE

I WANT TO SHOW YOU A PHOTO FROM ONE OF MY EARLY HOSTING YEARS. THAT'S ME WITH JOHN, DAN AND

MICK JAGGER. AND RIGHT AFTER THIS PHOTO WAS TA

TAKEN, WE TESTED POSITIVE FOR EVERYTHING. STEVE, WE ARE LIKE HARRY AND

MEGHAN NO ONE IS ROOTING FOR US, BUT YOU'LL TUNE IN TO WATCH ANYWAY

WHAT'S BEEN SO FABULOUS THIS WEEK IS GETTING TO KNOW THE NEW CAST

STEVE, HONESTLY, THEY LOVE YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK, THE NEW CAST REFER TO YOU AS A WHOLE

ENTERTAINER. THAT'S SWEET. WELL, I ADDED THE WORD

ENTERTAINER. AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT FOR ME, WORKING WITH MARTY SHORT IS

LIKE WORD CUP SOCCER. AW. SOMEHOW, I JUST CAN'T GET

INTO IT. WE ARE CURRENTLY WORKING ON THE THIRD SEASON OF OUR HULU

SERIES "O"ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING". OUR SHOW IS LIKE STEVE AT THE

URINAL, IT STREAMS FOR 32 MINUTES. NOW, YOU KNOW, THIS IS KIND

OF INTERESTING EVERY NIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW, MARTY AND I HAVE A RITUAL WE DO

TO PREPARE FOR THE EVENING'S PERFORMANCE. WE WERE DOING IT BACKSTAGE, AND

I NOTICED ONE OF THE BACK STAGE CREW WAS VIDEO TAPING US, AND I THOUGHT, THAT WOULD BE

INTERESTING TO SHOW THE AUDIENCE SO HERE IS MARTY AND I GETTING

READY FOR TONIGHT'S SHOW. AND CAN I SAY, STEVE -- LET THEM LAUGH.

CAN I SAY TRUTHFULLY I ADORE WORKING WITH YOU AND I HOPE WE CAN DO THIS

FOREVER. OF COURSE I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT, BUT I REALIZED YOU'RE NOT

GOING TO LIVE FOREVER, AND THAT IS SAD BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO HEAR THE WONDERFUL THINGS I'M

GOING TO SAY AT YOUR MEMORIAL. SO I THOUGHT, WHY WAIT SO WHAT I DID WAS I WROTE UP

YOUR EULOGY SO YOU CAN HEAR IT NOW. THAT IS SUCH A COINCIDENCE

BECAUSE I DID THE SAME THING I WROTE YOUR EULOGY. REALLY?

LET'S READ THEM TOGETHER WHY NOT. THIS IS A SAD MOMENT.

CAN YOU PLAY SOMETHING SAD FOR US, PLEASE NOT SAD ENOUGH.

ANYTHING SADDER? * NO, NO, NO.

DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY SAD *

[ LAUGHTER ] SO, MARTY, I DEDICATE THIS EULOGY TO YOU.

WOW, NOT MUCH OF A TURNOUT MARTY DID NOT WANT TO BE DE CREMATED

TOO LATE BUT I'LL ALWAYS BE HAUNTED BY MARTY'S LAST WORDS

TESLA AUTO PILOT, ENGAGE THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT THINGS THAT I COULD SAY ABOUT

STEVE MARTIN, BUT THIS HARDLY SEEMS THE TIME NOR THE PLACE OH, STEVE, YOU BLAND OVERRATED

WHITE HAIRED SON OF A BITCH. WHERE DID YOU GO I KNOW STEVE IS LOOKING DOWN ON

US RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE ALWAYS LOOKED DOWN ON EVERYBODY AND YES, I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM

STEVE. FOR EXAMPLE, HE TAUGHT ME YOU DON'T NEED TO RESTRICT A URINAL

TO JUST NUMBER ONE EVEN AT THE END, MARTY HAD A WONDERFUL GIRLFRIEND

SMART, BEAUTIFUL, AND SO REALISTIC. BUT MARTY WAS ALWAYS SEXUALLY

ACTIVE AS LONG AS THERE WERE BATTERIES IN THE HOUSE BUT MARTY WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM US

TOO SOON BUT SADLY, NOT BEFORE HE PLAYED JACK FROST IN "SANTA CLAUS 3".

OH, STEVE, IT'S SO HARD TO LOOK AT YOU IN THAT OPEN CASKET, MOTIONLESS, COLORLESS, STIFF, SO

LIFE LIKE. AND YET, SEEING YOU IN YOUR CASKET REMINDS ME OF THAT

CLASSIC SNL SKETCH, DICK IN A BOX. [ APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU. THE GOOD NEWS IS WITH STEVE GONE, DOWNLOADS SHOULD BE SO

MUCH FASTER ON PORN HUB. PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME WHAT STEVE WAS REALLY LIKE, AND I WOULD

SAY, I DON'T KNOW, YOU'RE HIS WIFE AND HE'S SUCH A GREAT DAD, AND

YOU CAN TELL THAT FROM HIS CHILDREN THEY'RE SO POLITE.

YOU GO TO HIS HOUSE AND THEY SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE ANYTHING, MR. SHORT?

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK, MR. SHORT? CAN YOU GIVE THIS NOTE TO THE

POLICE, MR. SHORT? NOW THAT MARTY IS GOB,NE, WH WILL I EVER WORK WITH?

WILL I EVER WORK WITH? HOW ABOUT ME? WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW

CHEMISTRY, HOW LOVELY ARE THY IONS * I LOVE THAT SONG SO MUCH.

HEY, KIDS, I'M DR. SCIENCE. AND I'M MR. SCIENCE. AND WHAT BETTER TIME THAN THE

HOLIDAYS TO LEARN ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF SNOW. JOINING US TODAY ARE LONI AND

JOSH HAPPY HOLIDAYS, GUYS LONI, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

HOLIDAY TRADITION? CHRISTMAS. OKAY.

WELL -- JOSH, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO

MY BROTHER OKAY. WELL, I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD SAY YOU WANT A SKATEBOARD OR SOMETHING, BUT I'M SURE YOUR BROTHER WILL BE

FINE LET'S TALK ABOUT SNOW. WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT SNOW?

FOR ONE, SNOW FORMS IN THE BIG THINGS IN THE SKY CALLED -- LONI

STARS. NO. JOSH

STARTS WITH A C. SI, SENOR. STARTS WITH A C, THE LETTER

C. THE C WORD IS BAD. NOT THE C WORD.

IT'S BIG, IT'S WHITE IT'S PUFFY. MY DAD? CLOUDS.

SNOW FORMS INSIDE CLOUDS. LET'S THINK BEFORE WE ANSWER. NOW SNOW FORMS WHEN IT GETS SO

COLD THAT THE WATER VAPOR INSIDE A CLOUD DOES WHAT, LONI? SNOWS.

IT'S HOW WATER TURNS INTO AN ICE. IT STARTS WITH AN F.

JOSH PHFOE SYNTHESIS. STARTS WITH AN F -- FREE --

BRITNEY GUYS, FREEZE. THE WORD WAS FREEZE.

JUST LIKE THERE ARE RAINSTORMS, ALREADY ALSO SNOWSTORMS.

TRUE. I WASN'T ASKING, BUT YES, THAT IS TRUE.

YEAH. YOU DON'T HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER BASED -- DON'T FIST BUMP

EITHER STOP IT RIGHT NOW. FOR OUR EXPERIMENT TODAY,

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE OUR OWN SNOWSTORM. IT WILL OBVIOUSLY NOT BE AS BIG

AS A REAL ONE. BUT EVEN IF SOMETHING'S SMALL, IT CAN STILL --

FEEL GOOD FOR THE GIRL? I DON'T FOLLOW THIS. BECAUSE MY SISTER TOLD ME

THAT EVEN IF THE GUY HAS A SMALL THING, IT CAN STILL FEEL GOOD IF THE GUY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.

NO. IT'S TEACH A BIG LESSON. YOU WERE VERY, VERY WRONG.

YOUR SISTER, HOWEVER, IS VERY, VERY RIGHT NOW, TO DO THIS AT HOME, WE'LL

NEED SOME WATER IN A GLASS, BABY OIL -- DON'T TOUCH THAT, PLEASE, GUYS.

STOP IT. AND PAINT -- STOP TOUCHING IT, PLEASE.

MAKE SURE TO HAVE A GROWN UP HELP YOU FIRST SAFETY FIRST.

I HAVE A FUN SAFETY JOKE, JOSH KNOCK, KNOCK.

COME IN. NO. JOSH

YOU SAY, KNOCK, KNOCK, WHO'S THERE. KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE SAFETY. HI.

I'M JOSH. DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS WORKS?

YOU SAY SAFETY WHO KNOCK, KNOCK. SAFETY WHO.

OH, GAH ARE YOU OKAY, MR. SCIENCE I'M UPSET.

COME BACK, LITTLE BUDDY COME BACK. BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT

OKAY. WE PUT EVERYTHING INTO OUR GLASS HERE EXCEPT THE ALKASELTZER TO

SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS WHEN COLD AIR MEETS WARM AIR GET IN CLOSE, GUYS

THREE, TWO, ONE, SCIENCE. WOW JOSH, WHAT'S GOING ON?

NOT MUCH. WE HAVE TWO WEEKS OFF FOR WINTER BREAK.

NOT IN YOUR LIFE. IN HERE. WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?

DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE? WHAT DO YOU SEE? YOUR FINGER

NO. SOMETHING'S GOING ON DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

* DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE, A STAR A STAR * SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS

LOOK WHAT WE'VE MADE IT'S A WHAT? IT'S A ME, MARIO.

NO. IT'S NOT A ME MARIO. GO TO COMMERCIAL.

GO TO COMMERCIAL. TURN THE CAMERA OFF I'M GOING TO CHOKE THIS KID!

CHELSEA? YOUR EX CHELSEA YEAH.

I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT HER IN A WHILE. WHEN YOU GUYS BROKE UP, IT

WAS SUCH A RELIEF. SHE WAS SUCH A NEGATIVE PERSON.

A BAD PERSON. WHENEVER SHE WOULD WALK INTO A ROOM, IT WAS LIKE, I GUESS

THIS ROOM IS GOING TO SUCK A LITTLE BIT. I WOULD HAVE DAY TREATMENTS

OF HER BEING STEPD ON BY A GIANT. SHE WOULD ALWAYS HAVE FOOD ON

HER SHIRT LIKE A BABY. LIKE DOES THIS FOOD BELONG IN MY NOUGT OR ON MY SHIRT.

SHE STUNG. SHE WAS STINKY. EWW, CHELSEA.

WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH CHELSEA WE GOT BACK TOGETHER.

YOU DID AND SHE'S RIGHT HERE. CHELSEA.

CHELSEA. IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. JOHN, WHAT THE HELL?

SO ARE YOU GUYS SERIOUS OR CASUAL JOHN JUST PROPOSED.

WEDDING IS IN JUNE. LOVE IT CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THE FAMILIAR.

YOU ALREADY DID THEY'RE ON ZOOM. WHAT'S UP, FAMILY

Y'ALL DON'T SEEM TOO HAPPY WITH ME. ANYONE TALKS CRAP ABOUT MY

DAUGHTER, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN -- TURN THAT OFF YOU REMEMBER THAT STUFF WE WERE

TALKING ABOUT EARLIER? I DO. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT JOHN'S

OTHER EX COURTNEY. COURTNEY WAS THE ONE WHO WAS LIKE A FUGLY NERD.

WOW. COURTNEY, DIDN'T SEE YOU. WE DIDN'T MEAN TO INSULT YOU.

READ BACK THE WORDS. SHE WAS LIKE A SLOPPY SEWER SCUM.

GET OUT OF HERE YOU WEIRDO. DON'T TALK ABOUT HER THAT WAY.

SHE'S MY WIFE. STEVE, COME ON. YOU'RE OUR FAVORITE HOST.

FAVORITE HOST DAMN IT I'M TELLING MICHAEL CHE.

COME ON, GUYS WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE RULES?

A, B, C RULE. YEAH. ALWAYS BE KIND

YOU BROKE THE RULES. BEN'S THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS. CAN YOU NOT TALK ABOUT BEN

THAT WAY HE'S RIGHT HERE. THAT'S REALLY NOT COOL, MAN.

COME ON, EVERYBODY. MARTIN, LET'S GO BACK TO MY APARTMENT.

YOU CAN ALL TAKE ONE THING HOME WITH YOU. YEA

THANK YOU, STEVE. ONE THING. AWESOME

* NOW I'M ALL ATO LOAN YOU TALK CRAP ABOUT MY DAUGHTER, YOU'RE DEAD.

YOU TALK CRAP ABOUT MY DAUGHTER, YOU'RE DEAD. A HAD, H!

BUFFALO. I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT BUFFALO, I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO

GET THERE. WOW, A REAL CHRISTMAS IN BUFFALO.

IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING. JUST LIKE DEAR OLD PEPOO AND MOO MOO USED TO TALK ABOUT.

THEY WOULD BE SO PROUD OF US. MINUS SOME OF THE STUFF WE'VE DONE.

WELL, I'M GLAD I SAT WITH YOU THREE. YOU SEEM LIKE A FUN GROUP.

WE ARE FUN. THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THAT. WHERE YOU HEADED, MISTER?

ARE YOU GOING TO BUFFALO TWO OR BUFFALO THREE? THAT'S MY BUFFALO JOKE THAT I

DO. YEAH. NO, I'M JUST HEADING THERE ON

BUSINESS THE ONLY REASON ANYONE WOULD WANT TO GO TO BUFFALO.

ONLY REASON BUT IT'S THE BEST PLACE TO SEE IT.

SEE WHAT? ARE YOU MESSING WITH US SNOW, OF COURSE.

* SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW * IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE WE'LL ALL BE THERE WITH SNOW *

* SNOW, I WANT TO WASH MY HANDS MY HAIR, MY ASS WITH SNOW * OH, WOW

THAT SOUNDS COLD YOU MUST REALLY LIKE SNOW. WE DON'T KNOW, SIR.

WE'VE NEVER SEEN IT. NOT IN PERSON, ANYWAY * SNOW, I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE AN

TOUCH A BUNCH OF SNOW * * SNOW, TO KISS A GREAT BIG MAN ENTIRELY MADE OF SNOW *

JUST KISS YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER JUST KISS. OKAY.

YEAH MAYBE MORE I'M JUST SO EXCITED FOR SNOW

IF I CLOSE MY EYES, I FEEL LIKE I CAN ALMOST SEE IT. *

* WHERE IT'S SNOWING, THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE * * SNOWBALL ATE OOETING, THAT'S

WHAT I'LLDO * * HOW I'M LONGING TO SLEEP ALL NIGHT IN THE SNOW *

SLEEP IN THE SNOW ARE YOU CRAZY? FOR SNOW.

NOW I'M EXCITED FOR SNOW. * WHAT IS CHRISTMAS WITH NO SNOW *

* NO WHITE CHRISTMAS WITH NO, NO, NO, SNOW * * I'LL WASH MY HAIR WITH SNOW

WHY NOT * FILL MY UNDERWEAR WITH SNOW. IF THAT'S YOUR THING *

AND WHEN I SEE THE SNOW, I'M GOING TO KNOW IT'S SNOW * WELL, I WOULD HOPE SO.

* SNOW SO YOU'VE REALLY NEVER SEEN SNOW

WHERE ARE YOU FROM THE WOODS. THE WOODS

YES. ISN'T THERE SNOW THERE? AT TIMES, BUT WE ALWAYS SLEEP

THROUGH IT. OTHERWISE, WE WOULDN'T SURVIVE THE WINTER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. THAT'S WHY WE HAVE ALL THESE NUTS WITH US.

OH, WOW NUTS. THOSE ARE OURS!

OKAY. SORRY. BUT LISTEN, IT'S GETTING LATE.

* I WOULD LOVE TO STAY AND BEG WITH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO GET SOME SHUT EYE, GO TO SLEEP AND

DREAM * * OF SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW *

OH, GOSH. WELL, THAT SONG MADE ME SLEEPY YOU KNOW THE RULES.

BUT IF YOU FALL ASLEEP, WE BREAK THE SPELL. WHAT SPELL?

OH, WE WON'T GET OUR CHRISTMAS WISH OH, BROTHER.

WHAT WISH I WAS REALLY HOPING THEY WOULD MAKE IT THIS TIME.

THOSE BEARS MAKE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WISH EVERY YEAR, TO TURN INTO HUMANS AND RIDE THE

TRAIN TO BUFFALO TO SEE SNOW BUT THEY ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP AND HIBERNATE.

BEAR SNS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING -- HEY WAKE UP!

IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE. DON'T WAKE THEM UP. ARE YOU INSANE

THEY'LL KILL US. THEY'RE BEARS. GOOD POINT.

WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BEARS OH, NUTS. THOSE ARE OURS!

CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. THE ACTUAL MR. CHRIS CRINGLE HAS

COME ALL THE WAY FROM THE NORTH POLE. THAT'S RIGHT.

MY SCHEDULE IS A LITTLE CRAZY RIGHT NOW, BUT THERE'S NO PLACE I WOULD RATHER BE.

RI RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S SPRINKLES, BUT SOMETIMES I GET EXCITED AND I SAY PRINGLES I DON'T KNOW

I LIKE PRINGLES. I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU SPRINKLES FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS.

IT'S SPRINKLES. I MADE A MISTAKE DROP IT!

OKAY. SORRY. WHO'S FIRST.

THIS IS PENNY SHE'S NINE SHE'S YOUR BIGGEST FAN.

I LOVE YOU, SANTA. THAT'S SWEET. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE THIS YEAR.

I WOULD LIKE A MAGIC CHRISTY'S CRYSTAL BALL AND A WHAT THE FLUFF INTERACTIVE TOY

CAT. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE THAT.

OH, AND ALSO -- THAT'S ENOUGH YOU ASK FOR TWO THINGS

THAT'S ENOUGH. READ THE ROOM. BUT I WANT A RAINBOW DOLL.

I SAID NO IT'S TOO MUCH. HE CAN'T DO IT.

OF COURSE I CAN DO IT I'M SANTA. YOU'LL GET ALL YOU ASK FOR AND

MORE I PROMISE YOU. NEXT!

IS EVERYTHING OKAY? YEP IT IS

I SAID YES! THIS IS DANNY HE'S 11.

MY MOM SAYS SOON I'LL BE TOO OLD TO COME SEE YOU. NONSENSE.

YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS YEAR I WANT A SKATEBOARD, AND

BEATS HEADPHONES, AND A HOODIE. OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM

WHAT? HE CANNOT OPERATE ON THIS LEVEL.

YOU WANT A TODAY SNIDER WHAT POPOVER HOODIE. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

OF COURSE I DO. IT'S A HOOD DID I WITH A THING IT'S A WONDERFUL GIFT.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE AIR PODS HE GOUT LAST YEAR? I LOST THEM.

YOU SON OF A BITCH. GET OUT OF HERE. NOW STAY OUT

NEXT SPRINKLES, YOU HAVE LEGS! MY GOSH.

FOR THREE YEARS NOW THANKS FOR NOTICING. THAT'S AMAZING.

I'M NOT SURE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA, BUT THIS IS AMANDA OH, HI, AMANDA.

AREN'T YOU CUTE? I WANT TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETS. SAY THAT AGAIN.

I DARE YOU. I WANT TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETS. THEN GET A JOB!

SPRINKLES. I'M SORRY. CAN I TALK WITH YOU

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE JUST SAYING YES TO EVERYTHING.

BUT I LOVE CHILDREN. THERE ARE 2 BILLION OF THEM, AND THEY ALL WANT A FORTNIGHT

BATTLE PASS, WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS. CALM DOWN.

EVERY YEAR WE'RE AFRAID WE CAN'T PULL IT OFF, BUT WE ALWAYS DO. AND THIS YEAR, WE WILL TOO

I PROMISE. WITH CHRISTMAS MAGIC? WELL, THERE'S THIS OTHER

STUFF I HEARD ABOUT. IT'S CALLED SPEED. SPEED, WHAT'S THAT?

WELL, IT'S SOME KIND OF VITAMIN THAT MAKES YOU GO FASTER

WE JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHERE TO GET SOME. CAN'T YOU ASK ONE OF THE KIDS

IF THEY HAVE ANYTHING. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ASK THEM FOR STUFF, BUT MAYBE IF ONE OF

THEM BRINGS IT UP -- LET'S TRY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I'M LISA, SKI WANT A PONY. THAT'S GREAT. YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SPEED?

NO. WHAT IS THAT. THIS KID'S NOTHING.

GET OUT OF HERE. HEY, WAIT THAT GUY KNOWS, I BET.

WHO ME OH, HE KNOWS.

HE DEFINITELY KNOWS COME HERE, LITTLE BOY. UH-HUH

UH-HUH UH-HUH AND THEY TAKE CASH

DICKENS A CHRISTMAS CAROL. OH, SPIRITS, PLEASE I WANT TO BE A BETTER MAN.

I WANT TO LIVE I'M ALIVE. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M ALIVE

THANK YOU, SPIRITS THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THE WAY!

OH, I'M AS LIGHT AS A FEATHER. I'M AT GIDDY AS A MAN. I WILL CHANGE.

I SWEAR I'LL CHANGE. I HOPE FS NOT TOO LATE OH, YOU, LAD

YOU DOWN THERE ME? YES, YOU.

COME HERE. WHAT DAY IS TODAY? WHY, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, SIR.

AH, CHRISTMAS, THEN I HAVEN'T MISSED IT. MY DEAR BOY, YOU KNOW THE PRIZED

GOOSE IN THE WINDOW DOWN THE STREET THE ONE AS BIG AS ME?

THAT'S THE ONE. GO AND BUY IT SO THAT TINY TIM AND HIS FAMILY CAN HAVE A FEAST.

WHAT SHALL I BUY IT WITH, SSI SIR?

I'M SO POOR. WHY WITH THIS, OF COURSE. AHH

OH, MY GOD WHATTHE HELL ARE YOU DOING I'M BLIND!

WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH IT YOU'RE BLAMING ME. HERE.

TAKE THIS FOR YOUR MEDICAL BILLS. WHAT'S THAT

AHH! OH, MY GOD THIS CRAZY OLD MAN IS

WHIPPING COINS INTO THE EYES OF ORPHANS. I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS AN

ORPHAN. OH, YEAH, LIKE I LOOK LIKE I HAVE LIVING PARENTS?

HEY, SCROOGE, JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD CHECK IN ON YOU AND SEE -- OH, MY GOSH.

SOMEONE ARREST THAT MAN HE'S BLINDING CHILDREN FOR SPORT.

HE'S ALWAYS BEEN A CRUEL OLD MAN. LET ME GUESS, YOU TOSSED THE

COIN WAY UP IN THE AIR, RIGHT? THAT'S A CLASSIC MISTAKE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS TOSS THE

COIN STRAIGHT DOWN NOW WATCH THIS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I COULDN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENED. HE'S BLINDING THE WHOLE TOWN, HE IS.

THAT WAS MY BAD HERE, KID. PUT SOME ICE ON IT.

AHH THAT WAS HIM. YEAH, THEY CAN'T SEE ME

BECAUSE I'M A GHOST, SO YOU LOOK LIKE A TOTAL SIGH OWE PATH NOW. IS IT TRUE, MR. SCROOGE

ARE YOU BLINDING PEOPLE FOR FUN? OF COURSE NOT, TINY TIM. I'M A CHANGED MAN.

NOW, TAKE THIS MONEY TO FIX YOUR LEGS I'LL THROW IT ON THE GROUND AND

YOU CAN PICK IT UP, OKAY SCROOGE JUST THREW TINY TIM INTO THE SUER.

HE'S THE DEVIL, HE IS. MY NEW ADVICE IS LAWYER UP. IT'S FINE

I CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS. LET'S EVERYONE KEEP QUIET ABOUT THIS WHOLE INCIDENT, SHALL WE,

AND I'LL MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE. PLEASE STOP YELLING AND

THROWING SHINY OBJECTS YOU'RE GOING TO SPOOK THE HORSE! OKAY.

WELL, WE'VE ALL LEARNED A LOT TODAY, HAVEN'T WE? BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON

IS -- MERRY CHRISTMAS. APPLE PAY NEVER USE COINS AGAIN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BRANDI CARLISLE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

* * ALL OF THESE LINE ACROSS MY FACE

TELL YOU THE STORY OF WHO I AM * * SO MANY STORIES O

WHERE I'VE BEE AND HOW I GO TO WHERE I AM *

* BUT THESE STORIES DON'T MEAN ANYTHIN WHEN YOU'VE GOT NO ONE

TO TELL THEM TO * * IT'S TRUE I WAS MADE FOR YOU

I CLIMBED ACROSS THE MOUNTAINTOPS * * SWAM ALL ACROSS

THE OCEAN BLUE I CROSSED ALL THE LINE AND I BROKE ALL THE RULES *

* BUT BAB I BROKE THEM ALL FOR YOU OH BECAUSE EVEN WHEN

I WAS FLAT BROKE * * YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS YOU DO

AND I WAS MADE FOR YOU * * *

* * * YOU SEE THE SMILE

THAT'S ON MY MOUTH IT'S HIDING THE WORD THAT DON'T COME OUT *

* AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS WHO THINK I AM BLESSED THEY DON'T KNO

MY HEAD IS A MESS * * NO THEY DON'T KNO WHO I REALLY A

AND THEY DON'T KNO WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH * * LIKE YOU DO

AND I WAS MADE FOR YOU AND ALL OF THESE LINES ACROSS MY FACE *

* TELL YOU THE STOR OF WHO I A SO MANY STORIES OF

WHERE I'VE BEEN * * AND HOW I GOT TO WHERE I A

OH BUT THESE STORIES DON'T MEAN ANYTHING * * WHEN YOU'VE GOT NO ON

TO TELL THEM TO IT'S TRU I WAS MADE FOR YOU OH YEAH *

* WELL IT'S TRU THAT I WAS MADE FOR YOU * *

THAT I WAS MADE FOR YOU * * [ APPLAUSE ]

HEY THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST.

WELL, IT WAS SHAPING UP TO BE A GOOD WEEK FOR JOE BIDEN. HE GOT BRITNEY BRINER BACK, HE

KEPT MARRIAGE GAY, AND HE'S ONLY GOT 14 MORE SLEEPS TILL SANTA. BUT THEN KYRSTEN SINEMA SAID,

HOLD MY WIG. ARIZONA SENATOR KYRSTEN SINEMA SEEN HERE REALIZING SOMEONE IS

ACTUALLY WAVING TO THE PERSON BEHIND HER, ANNOUNCED THAT SHE IS LEAVING THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

AND IS REGISTERING AS AN INDEPENDENT. EXPLAINS SINEMA, PAY ATTENTION

TO ME. WNBA STAR BRITTNEY GRINER WAS FREED FROM PRISON IN EXCHANGE

FOR ARMS DEALER, VICTOR BOOT BOOT WAS ONLY AVERAGING FIVE POINTS AND TWO REBOUNDS A GAME.

RAPHAEL WARNOCK DEFEATED HERSCHEL WALKER IN GEORGIA'S SENATE RUNOFF RACE

I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE LAST YOU'LL HEAR FROM HERSCHEL WALKER, I MEAN, THLS HE'S YOUR

BIOLOGICAL FATHER. WITH WARNOCK'S WIN, SENATORS WILL NO LONGER AHAVE TO RELY ON

HARRIS FOR BREAKING VOTE SHE CAN NOW FOCUS ON WAITING FOR A BIKE ACCIDENT.

THE SUPREME COURT HEARD A CASE THIS WEEK OVER WHETHER A SE

CONSERVATIVE EVANGELICAL WOMAN WHO CAN DESIGN I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO'S GOING

TO HIRE A DESIGNER WITH THOSE HIGHLIGHTS HONEY

I'M SORRY I APOLOGIZE. DURING ORAL ARGUMENTS IN THE

CASE, JUSTICE SAMUEL ALITO RAISED THE QUESTION, COULD A BLACK DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA BE

FORCED TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH A CHILD IN A CLAN ROBE HE SAID HE WOULD LOVE AN ANSWER

BEFORE HE TAKES HIS GRAND KIDS TO THE MALL NEXT WEEK. DONALD TRUMP SAID THE RESULTS

OF THE 2020 ELECTION SHOULD BE OVERTURNED AND CALLED FOR THE TERMINATION OF THE CONSTITUTION.

TRUMP PLANS TO TERMINATE THE CONSTITUTION BY ASKING HERSCHEL WALKER TO DRIVE IT TO THE

CLINIC I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS SAW TODAY, MOROCCO BEAT PORTUGAL

IT'S THE BEST WORK SINCE THE AFRICANS WHO BUILT THE STADIUMS. I DIDN'T DO IT

PORTUGAL'S HEAD COACH DECIDED NOT TO START SOCCER LEGEND EVEN MORE INSULTING, AT HALF

TIME, HE TRIED TO TRADE RENALDO FOR BRITTNEY GRINER. BUT THE BIGGEST UPSET WAS THAT

FAVORITE BRAZIL WAS ELIMINATED, EXCEPT FOR A TINY STRIP DOWN THE MIDDLE

NIKE HAS OFFICIALLY CUT TIES WITH BROOKLYN NETS STAR KY KYRIE IRVING OVER THE

ANTI-SEMITISM SCANDAL. HE SAID HE'S SO DEPRESSED, HE MIGHT JUMP OFF THE EDGE OF THE

WORLD. TODAY WAS THE SANTA CON BAR CRAWL IN NEW YORK CITY

YEAH THE ANNUAL REMINDER THAT WHILE SANTA MAY EXIST, GOD DOESN'T.

SANTA MAY EXIST, GOD DOESN'T. WELL, FOLKS, THE HOLIDAY SEASON THE OFFICIALLY UPON US.

HERE WITH SOME TIPS ON HOW TO GET YOUR SHOPPING DONE QUICKLY IS MARY ANN LOUISE FISHER.

HELLO, MICHAEL. HEY, HEY WE GOT THREE MINUTES TO DO THIS.

I STILL GOT SEVEN STORES TO HIT ON THIS BLOCK. SO YOU HAVE BEEN PRETTY BUSY.

I HAVE. SEE I'M ONE OF 27 CHILDREN, SO I GOT A LOT OF SHOPPING TO DO.

AND I NEED TO DO IT FAST AND CRAZY. YOU EVER SEEN THE AISLES AND

CROSS DRESS FOR LESS YEAH. MOST OF THE MERCHANDISE IS ON

THE GROUND. YEAH, THAT'S ME, MICHAEL. EVERY SINGLE ROSS, THAT'S ALL

ME. SO YOU'RE SINGLE HANDEDLY TRASHING ALL THE ROSSS

YOU EVER TRIPPED OVER A PAIR OF SHORTS STRUCK TO A WINNY THE POOH TEAPOT?

THAT WAS ME, MICHAEL. WHY MESS EVERYTHING UP? POWER, MICHAEL.

I NEED TO LEAVE MY MARK. AND SOMETIMES, TO FIND THAT ONE PERFECT SHIRT, YOU HAVE TO

UNFOLD 40 AND DUMP THEM ALL ON THE FLOOR. ALL RIGHT

WELL, YOU'RE HERE TO GIVE US SOME HOLIDAY SHOPPING TIPS. THAT'S RIGHT.

TIP NUMBER ONE GET YOU ONE OF THESE DID YOU KNOW ANYONE CAN BUY A

NECK BRACE YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO A DOCTOR

THESE THINGS MAKE PEOPLE STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY. THEY THINK YOU'RE WOUNDED, BUT

ONLY YOU KNOW, YOUR NECK IS STRONG AS HELL NOW, MICHAEL, GUESS HOW MUCH ALL

THESE SANTA PLATES WERE? WHAT? $3.

GUESS HOW MUCH THIS SHIRT WAS. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE --

$3. YOU WANT TO SEE HOW I GOT IT SO HOLD THIS, AND PRETEND YOU'RE

A CUSTOMER LOOKING AT IT. AIN'T THAT A LOVELY BLOUSE. GIVE ME THAT DAMN SHIRT

THAT WAS IN MY BASKET! THAT WAS INTENSE. I SEE HOW THAT WORKS FOR YOU

BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER TIPS TIP NUMBER TWO, IF YOUR BLOOD ISSUING GAR DROPS, J.C. PENNY

GOT NUGGETS. WHAT? J.C. PENNY GOT CHICKEN

NUGGETS. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GET YOURSELF STUCK TOEN THAT

ESCALATOR, MAKE A FUSS, AND THE MANAGER WILL FIND YOU SOME NUGGETS, OKAY?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT NO, MICHAEL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING

ABOUT? I KNOW TOO MUCH. I'VE SEEN TOO MUCH

IT'S A WAR ZONE OUT THERE, AND I JUST GOT DONE DOING THREE TOURS IN NORDSTROM IRAQ.

IT'S JUST A DEPARTMENT STORE. IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

I'M THE ONE OUT HERE ON THESE FRONT LINES. NOW, MY THIRD AND FINAL TIP --

AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY THIS, BUT IF YOU CAN, BE BLACK BECAUSE IF YOU'RE WHITE ACTING

LIKE THIS, SOMEONE WILL TAKE A VIDEO, AND YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB.

OKAY YOU SEE, MICHAEL, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A BLACK KAREN.

I COULD SLAP THE HELL OUT OF YOU RIGHT NOW, AND NOBODY WOULD SAY A WORD

MY JOB IS SAFE. WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO FOR WORK? I SUE THE CITY.

THE CITY HAS A LOT OF MONEY AND A BUNCH OF UNEVEN SIDEWALKS, BABY

OKAY MARY ANN LOUISE FISHER, EVERYBODY.

I GOT YOU SOM IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE. I'M GOOD.

IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE. I'M GOOD. IT'S OKAY.

FLIGHT TO NEWARK AFTER SHE ACCUSED A FAMILY OF SMUGGLING COCAINE THEN ASSAULTED MULTIPLE

OFFICERS BY BITING THEM AND KICKING THEM IN THE GROIN. SHE'S BEEN SENTENCED TO LIFE IN

THE NEW JERSEY HALL OF FAME. A NEW ALBUM FROM R. KELLY WAS REMOVED FROM A STREAMING ALBUM

MINUTES AFTER IT WAS UPLOADED. IT WAS NOT EASY TO REMOVE HIS STREAMS, SAID THE MAID WHO

CLEANED HIS HOUSE. ON CHRISTMAS. THE LOS ANGELES ZOO ANNOUNCED

THAT EVYLYN HAS BEEN EUTHANIZED, NOT BECAUSE SHE'S SICK BUT BECAUSE IT'S LA AND SHE'S IN HER

40s. DAMN THIS WILL GET YOU BACK

A WOMAN IN TEXAS ALLEGEDLY DUMPED THREE BUCKETS OF HUMAN WASTE IN FRONT OF A POLICE

DEPARTMENT AND DROVE AWAY. IT'S A RARE CASE OF E RADIC BEHAVIOR FROM A LADY WHO POOPS

IN A BUCKET. AS DIS-TURK AS THIS STORY IS, IT'S NOT AS DISTURBING AS

IMAGINING THE WOMAN'S DRIVE TO THE POLICE STATION WITH FULL BUCKETS OF FECES BECAUSE ONE

SPEED BUMP TURNS HER STAR INTO A STARBUCKS BATHROOM FRANCE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL

START PROVIDING FREE CONDOMS FOR PEOPLE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 2 5(

AND 2 5( COOL NOW DO DEODERANT.

HOLIDAY MUST HAVE LISTS. HERE IT'S AUTHORS CURT AND DIB FROM WYOMING

HEY, GUYS. HOW DID THIS BOOK COME ABOUT WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED CLOSE TO

20 YEARS NOW THINGS KIND OF FIZZLED OUT IN BED.

BUT WE DISCOVERED MY WIFE HAS A TALENT FOR DOING VOICES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE, SO WE TOOK THAT

INTO THE BEDROOM. SO SORT OF LIKE ROLE PLAYING? YEAH, BUT WITH CELEBRITIES.

FOR EXAMPLE, WE'LL SHOW YOU OUR TECHNIQUE AT WORK. BABY, YOU WANT TO SHOW THEM DREW

BARRYMORE? LIKE THIS. OH, MY GOD, THAT FEELS

AMAZING. YOU LIKE THAT, DREW YES, IT'S FANTASTIC.

HOW MUCH? SO MUCH LOUDER.

COME ON. IT'S LITERALLY BLOWING MY MIND.

LOUDER. COME ON! IT'S ORGASMIC.

I'M THE MASTER. IS THAT NOT HOT AS HELL. I CAN SEE

WE'RE ALL GETTING REALLY TURNED ON. YEAH, YOU ARE, YOU HORN DOG

SO DREW IS A GOOD GIRL, BUT SHE DOES BAD GIRLS TOO LIKE THAT RUSSIAN CON ARTIST LADY FROM

"INVENTING ANNA" DO ANNA DELVEY FOR ME. OH, YOU'RE NOTHING, LITTLE

BOY. YES, MS. DELVEY. YOU'RE SO WEAK AND POOR.

YES, PLEASE RUIN MY CREDIT SCORE. RUIN MY CREDIT SCORE.

MY ORGASM IS ON THE WAY. YEAH, IT IS, MS. DELVEY DAMN

THAT'S GREAT. I'M CURIOUS HOW MANY VOICES DOES SHE DO

MAN, I THINK I MADE LOVE TO ABOUT A THOUSAND CELEBRITIES AT THIS POINT

I MEAN, LAST NIGHT I WAS WITH MS. MERYL STREEP OH, OKAY.

I GOT TO USE A PROP. YOU CAN USE A PROP. OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S

DELICIOUS. YEAH? OH, IT'S UTTERLY DIVINE.

YOU'RE SO TALENTED. IT'S LIKE MUSIC. YEAH?

OH, YEAH. I FINISHED THERE IT IS

WHOO I GOT A QUESTION. DOES SHE DO ANY BLACK ONES

NO, SHE DOES NOT. BUT SHE CAN DO -- WHAT'S HER NAME

SCARLETT JOHANSSON DO YOU -- DO YOU KNOW HER? YES, I DO.

YOU KNOW HER? YEAH. HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE

UNDER HER SKIN I THINK IT'S UNDER THE SKIN. OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S

CALLED YOU HORN DOG. LOOK AT YOU CORRECTING ME. 24 MINUTES, 11 SECONDS

ALL RIGHT. DO SCARLET HEY, I'M MARRIED TO COLIN,

BUT I NEED A REAL MAN. YEAH, YOU DO. WHY DON'T YOU GET OVER HERE

BLACK WIDOW. COME ON, BLACK WIDOW THIS SPIDER BITES, COLIN.

I THINK WE'RE GOOD ON THAT ONE. I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, IT

DOES SEEM LIKE DEB KIND OF DOES ALL THE WORK WHILE YOU REAP THE BENEFITS.

I'M NOT AS GOOD AT VOICES AS DEB, BUT I CAN SAY LIKE ONE THING AS A FEW CARTOON

CHARACTERS, AND DEB GOT INTO IT. DIDN'T YOU UH-HUH.

I LOVE LITTLE STEWY. YOU WANT ME TO DO IT? HELLO, BRIAN.

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME, STEWY? NOW DO MR. BURNS.

EXCELLENT. DO SHAGGY FROM SCOOBYDOO. DO YOU DESERVE IT

DO YOU DESERVE IT I DO.

UP FOR THE KING OF 90s, MINKY CARMICHAEL. I'M FEELING GOOD.

WELCOME TO HOW TO TREAT YOUR MAN WITH ME, MINKY CARMICHAEL. THE SHOW WILL GIVE ADVICE FOR

ALL FINE FEMALES WHO ARE LOOK TO GO LAND A MAN AND KEEP HIS ASS I'M JOINED BY MY SIDE KING, JEN

FONGER-BHANG. I STARTED DRINKING EARLY. YES, YOU DID.

NOW, WOULD YOU LOOK AT ALL THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT.

WHO DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT HOW TO TREAT THEIR MAN HIT IT

* NOW, THAT'S HOW IT IS. THIS IS MY CHURCH, AND MINKY

IS MY PRIEST. THAT'S 100% TRUE. NOW, WHO'S GOT A QUESTION FOR

ME ME. RIGHT HERE.

OKAY. WHITE GIRL WITH A LITTLE HEAD. OH, ME?

OKAY WELL, HI, MINKY. SO AFTER A FIRST DATE, I DIDN'T

SLEEP WITH THE GUY, RIGHT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM LOOSE, BUT NOW HE'S NOT CALLING

ME BACK. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? HMM, LET ME CONSULT WITH MY

RELATIONSHIP CALCULATOR. YOU WENT ON A DATE, YOU DIDN'T PUT OUT, AND THAT EQUALS -- OF

COURSE HE'S NOT CALLING BACK HIT IT *

AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS. AW, COME ON, MINKY. HE SAID WHAT HE SAID.

SHUT UP. NEXT QUESTION OH, MINKY, HI

SO HERE'S WHAT'S UP. I WAS ON A DATE AND WOUND PORNO IN THIS GUY'S VCR.

IS THAT A RED FLAG WHAT SHOULD I DO GIRL, THE ONLY VCR I CARE

ABOUT IS A VERY COOL RACK. SLAM IT! *

AND THAT'S -- WHAT? JUST HOW IT IS. WHO'S NEXT?

HI, MINKY HERE'S MY PROBLEM. I WAS FLIRTING WITH THIS GUY,

AND HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER, BUT I NEVER CALLED HIM DOES THAT MAKE ME A BAD NUMBER.

UH, YEP SLAM IT! *

I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER IN ANY LIFE NEXT

YES HI, EVERYONE I'M JADA.

OH, NO, NO. AND I WENT ON A DATE WITH MINKY CARMICHAEL.

CAN WE CUT HER MIC? AND I HAVE TO SAY, HE HAS H THE WORST PENIS I'VE EVER SEEN

I'M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN, BUT IT LOOKED LIKE AN ESPRESSO CUP. THAT'S NOT 100% TRUE.

ANYONE ELSE HAVE A QUESTION? YEAH, I HAVE A QUESTION WHAT WAS SO HORRIBLE ABOUT HIS

THING? THE LENGTH WAS OKAY FELT LIKE THERE WAS NOTHING

INSIDE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? LIKE AT A CERTAIN POINT, HE

ASKED ME, DO YOU WANT ME TO CLOSE IT. HOLD UP

WHAT WAS THERE TO CLOSE? I DON'T KNOW. BUT I WOULD DESCRIBE IT AS OPEN,

LIKE HOLLOW. MINKY, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE PACKING THE WORM FROM DOOM.

YOU KNOW WHAT LET ME CONSULT MY BULL CRAP DETECTING COMPUTER.

LOOKS LIKE I'M GETTING A FAX -- BEEP, BEEP, BOOP, BOOP, OH, MY GOD, IT'S FROM THE PENIS

HOSPITAL THEY SAY YOU NEED AN EMERGENCY APPOINTMENT.

SLAM IT ZBL NO. I'M THE ONE WHO SLAMS IT

YOU DON'T SLAM IT. I HEAR FROM THE PRODUCERS THAT WE ARE OUT OF TIME AND

CANCELED, WHICH MEANS I GOT TO GO BACK AND FINISH HIGH SCHOOL BYE, Y'ALL

GO BACK AND FINISH HIGH SCHOOL BYE, Y'ALL *

[ APPLAUSE ] * * THEY BUILD WOODEN HOUSE

ON FROZEN POND IN THE SUMMERTIM WHEN THE WATER'S GONE *

* DIAGONAL LINE IN THEIR ROLLED-OUT LAWN AND THE SAGE

ALWAYS SMELLS SO PRETTY * * BUT NOBODY CARE WHERE THE BIRDS HAVE GON

WHEN THE RAIN COMES DOWN ON BABYLON * * THE STONEMASON'S PHON

RINGS ALL DAY LONG AND YOU GOTTA GET BACK TO THE CITY *

* I BUILD MY HOUS UP ON THIS ROCK BABY EVERY DAY WITH YOU *

* THERE'S NOTHIN' IN THAT TOWN I NEE AFTER EVERYTHING

WE'VE BEEN THROUGH * * ME OUT IN MY GARDEN AND YOU OUT ON YOUR WALK

IS ALL THE DISTANC THIS POOR GIRL CAN TAKE * * WITHOUT LISTENIN'

TO YOU TALK I DON'T NEED THEIR MONEY BABY * * JUST YOU AND ME

ON THE ROC I DON'T NEED THEIR MONEY BABY *

* * I BUILT PAPER PLANE WHEN I LEARNED TO FL

LIKE A 747 FALLIN' OUT OF THE SKY * * I FOLDED 'EM CROOKED

AND NOW I'M WONDERIN' WH I COULD ALWAYS END UP IN THE WATER *

* BUT NOBODY'S ASKIN' WHY SHE LOOKIN' SO THI WHY SHE'S LAUGHIN' TOO HAR

WHY SHE DRINKIN' AGAIN * * A FALLING STA SHE'S A PAPER PLAN

AND SHE WAS GOIN' DOWN WHEN YOU CAUGHT HER * * I BUILD MY HOUS

UP ON THIS ROCK BABY EVERY DAY WITH YOU * * THERE'S NOTHIN'

IN THAT TOWN I NEE AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH *

* ME OUT IN MY GARDEN AND YOU OUT ON YOUR WALK IS ALL THE DISTANC

THIS POOR GIRL CAN TAKE * * WITHOUT LISTENIN' TO YOU TALK *

* I DON'T NEE THEIR MONEY BABY JUST YOU AND M

ON THE ROCK * * * IT'S AN EARTHQUAK

IT'S A HARD WIND IT'S A RECORD-BREAKIN' TID AND IT IS ROLLIN' IN *

* OH IT'S A BIG SEA BUT IT CAN'T TOUCH YOU AND M IT'S JUST A WATER VIEW

AND WHAT A VIEW * * I DON'T NEE THEIR MONEY BABY

OH * * I BUILD MY HOUS UP ON THIS ROCK BABY

EVERY DAY WITH YOU * * THERE'S NOTHIN' IN THAT TOWN I NEE

AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH * * ME OUT IN MY GARDEN

AND YOU OUT ON YOUR WALK IS ALL THE DISTANC THIS OLD GIRL CAN TAKE *

* WITHOUT LISTENIN' TO YOU TAL I DON'T NEED

THEIR MONEY BABY * * JUST YOU AND ME ON THE ROC

I DON'T NEED THEIR MONEY BABY * * I DON'T NEE

THEIR MONEY BABY IT'S YOU AND M ON THE ROCK *

* IT'S YOU AND ME ON THE ROC YOU AND ME ON THE ROCK *

ON THE ROC YOU AND ME ON THE ROCK * [ APPLAUSE ]

WE BOUGHT IT WHEN ANNY WAS IN GRAMMAR SCHOOL SHE EVEN GOT MARRIED HERE.

SO MANY MEMORIES [ APPLAUSE ] HEY, DADDY.

IS THAT MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER GUESS WHAT, I'M ENGAGED,

AGAIN. FATHER OF THE BRIDE, PART EIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT, THREE DECADES AND SEVEN DIVORCES LATER, ANNY IS BACK AND READY TO GIVE MARRIAGE

AN EIGHTH SHOT. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN AFFORD AN EIGHTH WEDDING

I'M FINANCIALLY DRAINED. I'M YOUR LITTLE GIRL. YOU'RE 52

YOUR MOTHER STARTED DRIVING FOR LYFT TO PAY FOR YOUR LAST WEDDING.

DID SOMEONE SAY MOM DIANE KEATON IS BACK. SHE'S AN ICON IN BEIGE, AND

WE'RE HERE FOR IT. SO WHO THE SHE WILL PLANNING THIS THING

OH, MY -- DON'T TELL ME IT'S -- HELLO LOOK AT YOU.

NO. NOT AGAIN. HE WILL LE, GEORGE.

I CAN'T DO THIS, HOWARD. HI, GEORGE. YOU STILL HAVE AN OUTSTANDING

BALANCE FROM THE FIFTH WEDDING YOU OWE ME FOR THE SHRIMP TOWER AND THE PERFORMANCE FROM NICKI

MINAJ. CAN WE GET NICKI MINAJ AGAIN? .

[ INAUDIBLE WHAT? THAT'S RIGHT, MARTIN SHORT IS

BACK AS THE BELOVED WEDDING PLANNER FRANCK, DOING AN ACCENT WE ALL THINK IS OKAY

YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE USED GOODS. THESE ARE NOT -- I'VE SEEN

BIGGER LUMPS IN OATMEAL. SO PUT THEM TOGETHER AND MAKE ONE BIG ONE OR DO SOMETHING.

GET THE FAKE ONE -- WHATEVER YOU DO, IT LOOK LOVELY I THINK YOU NEED A LITTLE

PLIMPING, TUCKING, TUGGING, AND MAYBE DOWN THERE, A LITTLE PROCEDURE.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING I PAY FOR MY DAUGHTER'S VAGINAL REJUVENATION

EWW [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT MY

SISTER'S PRIVATES RIGHT NOW? I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BLOW CHUNKS. DID YOU FORGET HE WAS IN THIS

MOVIE? SO DID WE AND SO DID HE, AND NOW HE'S ON SUCCESSION, AND GOOD FOR

HIM. IT WOULDN'T BE A WEDDING WITHOUT THE WHOLE FAMILY THERE.

MY SISTER IN A WEDDING DRESS? GROSS TO THE MAX BY THE WAY, NO CAKE FOR ME

I HAVE A COLONOSCOPY TOMORROW. SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU REALLY ARE BEAUTIFUL.

MY LITTLE MENOPAUSAL GIRL. TIME FOR THE BIG SURPRISE, YOUR WEDDING PERFORMER

WHAT'S UP I'M THE WEDDING SINGER. MY GOD, SELENA GOMEZ.

YOU'RE EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL IN REAL LIFE. I KNOW.

THANKS IF. HOW MUCH IS SHE GOING TO COST ME

1.8 MILLION EASY. COME ON, GEORGE SING IT TO EVERYBODY

LET'S SING * EVERYBODY HAS A POOPER, THAT' WHY WE INVITED YOU, A PARTY

WHY WE INVITED YOU, A PARTY POOPER * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." THANKS TO BRANDI CARLISLE, SELENA GOMEZ, AND THIS BRILLIANT

CAST WE LOVE YOU. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.