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00:00:03,379 --> 00:00:16,692
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALMOST
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00:00:16,692 --> 00:00:20,863
CHRISTMAS.
IS IT ALREADY
YEAH.
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00:00:20,863 --> 00:00:28,304
THAT'S RIGHT
MA
MARIAH CAREY SAW HER SHADOW.
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00:00:28,304 --> 00:00:34,377
I'M STILL SIGNING MY CHECKS
2019.
I'M CONCERNED YOU'RE STILL
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00:00:34,377 --> 00:00:39,582
WRITING CHECKS.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
THE WHOLE WORLD IS SO
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00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:45,788
OVERWHELMING SOMETIMES
WORLD, DOCUMENTARIES, PRINCE
HARRY AND MEGHAN DOCUMENTARIES.
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00:00:45,788 --> 00:00:52,729
I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I SHOULD
BE DOING MORE FOR MYSELF AND
SOCIETY, BUT THEN I REMEMBER --
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00:00:52,729 --> 00:01:01,738
* IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND ALL OF MY
STRESS FADES AWAY *
* ALL THE ISSUES AND CRYING AND
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00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:11,948
TISSUES CAN WAIT UNTIL JANUARY *
YOU JUST GIVE YOUR CONCERNS A
DELAY?
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00:01:11,948 --> 00:01:18,654
* TILL CHRISTMAS
YOU JUST BLOCK YOUR FEELINGS
OUT SO THEY CAN'T HURT YOU
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00:01:18,654 --> 00:01:20,823
EXACTLY.
OH.
LIKE --
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00:01:20,823 --> 00:01:27,897
* MY DRINKING, IT'S STARTING TO
GET OUT OF HAND *
* I KNOW IT MAY HAVE CROSSED
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00:01:27,897 --> 00:01:35,138
INTO A DARK PLACE WHEN BURGER
KING SAID I WAS BANNED *
* MAYBE I'LL JUST MAKE THAT MY
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00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:39,876
BRAND, TILL CHRISTMAS *
YOU'RE GETTING IT
WHAT ABOUT YOU
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00:01:39,876 --> 00:01:47,216
I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME TRY
* MY MENTAL HEALTH HASN'T BEEN
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00:01:47,216 --> 00:01:57,393
GREAT *
* I WAKE UP AT NOON, THE SUN
SOMEHOW SETTING, AND I FALL BACK
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00:01:57,393 --> 00:02:06,803
ASLEEP AROUND 8:00 *
* BUT I CAN LIVE IN A DELUSIONA
STATE FOR CHRISTMAS *
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00:02:06,803 --> 00:02:14,410
WE HEARD YOU GUYS SING ABOUT
YOUR ANXIETY IN AN UNHEALTHY
WAY.
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00:02:14,410 --> 00:02:24,153
WE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT
SPECIFIC PEOPLE TOO LIKE --
* ELON, WHY DOES HE OWN ALL THE
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00:02:24,153 --> 00:02:30,727
STUFF *
* WHY DOES HE HAVE TO RUN TESLA
AND TWITTER, WAS OUTER SPACE NOT
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00:02:30,727 --> 00:02:34,497
ENOUGH *
* AND HITLER, SINCE WHEN DID
HITLER COME BACK *
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00:02:34,497 --> 00:02:41,337
* DID WE BASICALLY ALL AGREE
YEARS AGO HITLER SHOULD NEVER
COME BACK *
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00:02:41,337 --> 00:02:52,348
* AND WHY ARE HIS NEW FANS
BLACK *
* CHRISTMAS, LET'S BLOCK IT ALL
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00:02:52,348 --> 00:02:59,856
OUT FOR CHRISTMAS *
* IT'S OVER OCTOBER AND
NOVEMBER *
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00:02:59,856 --> 00:03:05,995
* FAMILY VISITS, YOU JUST WANT
TO HIDE *
* THAT'S WHY I DRINK EGGNOG WIT
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00:03:05,995 --> 00:03:13,669
THE XANEX INSIDE *
* FORGET YOUR UNCLE IF YOU WAIT
TOO LONG *
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00:03:13,669 --> 00:03:21,244
* YOUR GRANDMA WON'T WHISPER
YOU'RE LIVING IN SIN *
* SO JUST TIKTOK ON THE TOILET
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00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:28,684
TILL YOUR ASS GIVES IN *
* IT'S EASIER TO BUY A GUN THAN
TICKETS TO TAYLOR SWIFT *
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00:03:28,684 --> 00:03:36,926
* STOP STRESSING ABOUT EVERY
DECISION *
* JUST FOCUS ON WHO'S GOING TO
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00:03:36,926 --> 00:03:48,004
DIE IN WHITE LOTUS *
* CUZ IT'S CHRISTMAS
DID SOMEBODY ORDER GRUB HUB
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00:03:48,004 --> 00:03:54,143
MY DINNER IS HERE
I GOT ITALIAN.
THAT'S ONE ORDER OF GARLIC
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00:03:54,143 --> 00:03:58,281
BREAD AND 12 BOTTLES OF WINE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU CAN LEAVE THE WINE OVER
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00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:02,885
THERE.
DID YOU WANT TO GARLIC BREAD?
I THINK YOU KNOW I DON'T.
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00:04:02,885 --> 00:04:07,890
I FEEL LIKE ALL OUR HOLIDAY
WORRIES HAVE GONE AWAY.
ME TOO.
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00:04:07,890 --> 00:04:16,099
EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF THINGS
* SCHOOLS ARE FAILING, KIDS
DON'T KNOW JACK *
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00:04:16,099 --> 00:04:23,106
* COVID NEVER LEFT AND ALSO IT'
BACK *
* R. KELLY DROPPED AN ALBUM
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00:04:23,106 --> 00:04:30,480
CALLED I ADMIT IT *
* I REALLY WANT TO SHOUT, BUT
I'M BLOCKING EVERYTHING OUT FOR
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00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:36,786
CHRISTMAS *
* FOR CHRISTMAS
OKAY.
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00:04:36,786 --> 00:04:45,561
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
SO YOU BURY ALL YOUR FEELINGS
FOR CHRISTMAS, OKAY, BUT WHAT
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00:04:45,561 --> 00:04:54,537
HAPPENS IN JANUARY
WELL, THEN, WE EXPLODE.
* WE FREAK OUT AND THREATEN OUR
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00:04:54,537 --> 00:05:01,344
EX *
* WE DRINK TO THE POINT WHERE W
CONTEMPLATE MURDER AND ACCEPT
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00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:06,315
VENMO PAYMENTS FOR SEX *
* BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS
NEXT BECAUSE FOR NOW IT'S
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00:05:06,315 --> 00:05:17,493
CHRISTMAS *
HO, HO, AND LIVE FROM NEW
YORK -- WAIT
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00:05:17,493 --> 00:05:24,667
DID YOU SAY VENMO PAYMENTS FOR
SEX?
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
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00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:26,102
SEX?
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT
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00:07:24,654 --> 00:07:30,993
MUSICAL GUEST, BRANDI CARLILE.
AND YOUR HOSTS, STEVE MARTIN AND
MARTIN SHORT
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00:07:45,108 --> 00:08:05,561
[ APPLAUSE ]
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU.
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00:08:05,561 --> 00:08:09,499
THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE
I'M --
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00:08:09,499 --> 00:08:16,539
AND I'M STEVE MARTIN.
AND WE'RE SO EXCITED --
AND WHAT A THRILL IT IS FOR
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00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:19,609
US TO BE HOEGS "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE."
STEVE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE
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00:08:19,609 --> 00:08:22,412
YOU HOSTED
OH, GOSH, I HAVEN'T REALLY
THOUGHT ABOUT IT
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00:08:22,412 --> 00:08:24,247
OH, GOSH, I HAVEN'T REALLY
THOUGHT ABOUT IT
HIT IT
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00:08:40,863 --> 00:08:49,739
AND HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU
HOSTED, MARTY?
HIT IT.
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00:08:49,739 --> 00:08:56,679
[ APPLAUSE ]
I'M KIND OF AN A NOSTALGIA
MODE
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00:08:56,679 --> 00:09:04,454
I WANT TO SHOW YOU A PHOTO FROM
ONE OF MY EARLY HOSTING YEARS.
THAT'S ME WITH JOHN, DAN AND
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00:09:04,454 --> 00:09:10,893
MICK JAGGER.
AND RIGHT AFTER THIS PHOTO WAS
TA
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00:09:10,893 --> 00:09:16,132
TAKEN, WE TESTED POSITIVE FOR
EVERYTHING.
STEVE, WE ARE LIKE HARRY AND
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00:09:16,132 --> 00:09:20,770
MEGHAN
NO ONE IS ROOTING FOR US, BUT
YOU'LL TUNE IN TO WATCH ANYWAY
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00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:25,408
WHAT'S BEEN SO FABULOUS THIS
WEEK IS GETTING TO KNOW THE NEW
CAST
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00:09:25,408 --> 00:09:32,482
STEVE, HONESTLY, THEY LOVE YOU
BEHIND YOUR BACK, THE NEW CAST
REFER TO YOU AS A WHOLE
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00:09:32,482 --> 00:09:34,484
ENTERTAINER.
THAT'S SWEET.
WELL, I ADDED THE WORD
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00:09:34,484 --> 00:09:42,225
ENTERTAINER.
AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT FOR
ME, WORKING WITH MARTY SHORT IS
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00:09:42,225 --> 00:09:45,161
LIKE WORD CUP SOCCER.
AW.
SOMEHOW, I JUST CAN'T GET
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00:09:45,161 --> 00:09:59,108
INTO IT.
WE ARE CURRENTLY WORKING ON
THE THIRD SEASON OF OUR HULU
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00:09:59,108 --> 00:10:05,915
SERIES "O"ONLY MURDERS IN THE
BUILDING".
OUR SHOW IS LIKE STEVE AT THE
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00:10:05,915 --> 00:10:11,020
URINAL, IT STREAMS FOR 32
MINUTES.
NOW, YOU KNOW, THIS IS KIND
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00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:16,592
OF INTERESTING
EVERY NIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW,
MARTY AND I HAVE A RITUAL WE DO
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00:10:16,592 --> 00:10:20,963
TO PREPARE FOR THE EVENING'S
PERFORMANCE.
WE WERE DOING IT BACKSTAGE, AND
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00:10:20,963 --> 00:10:27,336
I NOTICED ONE OF THE BACK STAGE
CREW WAS VIDEO TAPING US, AND I
THOUGHT, THAT WOULD BE
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00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:31,641
INTERESTING TO SHOW THE
AUDIENCE
SO HERE IS MARTY AND I GETTING
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00:10:31,641 --> 00:10:39,749
READY FOR TONIGHT'S SHOW.
AND CAN I SAY, STEVE --
LET THEM LAUGH.
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00:10:39,749 --> 00:10:45,855
CAN I SAY TRUTHFULLY I ADORE
WORKING WITH YOU
AND I HOPE WE CAN DO THIS
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00:10:45,855 --> 00:10:49,959
FOREVER.
OF COURSE I THOUGHT ABOUT
THAT, BUT I REALIZED YOU'RE NOT
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00:10:49,959 --> 00:10:55,064
GOING TO LIVE FOREVER, AND THAT
IS SAD BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE ABLE
TO HEAR THE WONDERFUL THINGS I'M
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00:10:55,064 --> 00:11:01,804
GOING TO SAY AT YOUR MEMORIAL.
SO I THOUGHT, WHY WAIT
SO WHAT I DID WAS I WROTE UP
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00:11:01,804 --> 00:11:09,145
YOUR EULOGY SO YOU CAN HEAR IT
NOW.
THAT IS SUCH A COINCIDENCE
77
00:11:09,145 --> 00:11:13,516
BECAUSE I DID THE SAME THING
I WROTE YOUR EULOGY.
REALLY?
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00:11:13,516 --> 00:11:17,754
LET'S READ THEM TOGETHER
WHY NOT.
THIS IS A SAD MOMENT.
79
00:11:17,754 --> 00:11:21,190
CAN YOU PLAY SOMETHING SAD FOR
US, PLEASE
NOT SAD ENOUGH.
80
00:11:21,190 --> 00:11:28,264
ANYTHING SADDER?
*
NO, NO, NO.
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00:11:28,264 --> 00:11:37,907
DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING REALLY,
REALLY SAD
*
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00:11:37,907 --> 00:11:47,150
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO, MARTY, I DEDICATE THIS
EULOGY TO YOU.
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00:11:47,150 --> 00:12:02,432
WOW, NOT MUCH OF A TURNOUT
MARTY DID NOT WANT TO BE DE
CREMATED
84
00:12:02,432 --> 00:12:07,203
TOO LATE
BUT I'LL ALWAYS BE HAUNTED BY
MARTY'S LAST WORDS
85
00:12:07,203 --> 00:12:16,179
TESLA AUTO PILOT, ENGAGE
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT
THINGS THAT I COULD SAY ABOUT
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00:12:16,179 --> 00:12:26,422
STEVE MARTIN, BUT THIS HARDLY
SEEMS THE TIME NOR THE PLACE
OH, STEVE, YOU BLAND OVERRATED
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00:12:26,422 --> 00:12:35,465
WHITE HAIRED SON OF A BITCH.
WHERE DID YOU GO
I KNOW STEVE IS LOOKING DOWN ON
88
00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:40,203
US RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE ALWAYS
LOOKED DOWN ON EVERYBODY
AND YES, I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM
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00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:44,140
STEVE.
FOR EXAMPLE, HE TAUGHT ME YOU
DON'T NEED TO RESTRICT A URINAL
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00:12:44,140 --> 00:12:54,784
TO JUST NUMBER ONE
EVEN AT THE END, MARTY HAD A
WONDERFUL GIRLFRIEND
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00:12:54,784 --> 00:13:04,927
SMART, BEAUTIFUL, AND SO
REALISTIC.
BUT MARTY WAS ALWAYS SEXUALLY
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00:13:04,927 --> 00:13:10,233
ACTIVE AS LONG AS THERE WERE
BATTERIES IN THE HOUSE
BUT MARTY WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM US
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00:13:10,233 --> 00:13:20,643
TOO SOON
BUT SADLY, NOT BEFORE HE PLAYED
JACK FROST IN "SANTA CLAUS 3".
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00:13:20,643 --> 00:13:29,719
OH, STEVE, IT'S SO HARD TO
LOOK AT YOU IN THAT OPEN CASKET,
MOTIONLESS, COLORLESS, STIFF, SO
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00:13:29,719 --> 00:13:36,492
LIFE LIKE.
AND YET, SEEING YOU IN YOUR
CASKET REMINDS ME OF THAT
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00:13:36,492 --> 00:13:45,234
CLASSIC SNL SKETCH, DICK IN A
BOX.
[ APPLAUSE ]
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00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:49,806
THANK YOU.
THE GOOD NEWS IS WITH STEVE
GONE, DOWNLOADS SHOULD BE SO
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00:13:49,806 --> 00:13:58,314
MUCH FASTER ON PORN HUB.
PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME WHAT STEVE
WAS REALLY LIKE, AND I WOULD
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00:13:58,314 --> 00:14:02,151
SAY, I DON'T KNOW, YOU'RE HIS
WIFE
AND HE'S SUCH A GREAT DAD, AND
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00:14:02,151 --> 00:14:07,724
YOU CAN TELL THAT FROM HIS
CHILDREN
THEY'RE SO POLITE.
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00:14:07,724 --> 00:14:11,894
YOU GO TO HIS HOUSE AND THEY
SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE ANYTHING,
MR. SHORT?
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00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:16,766
CAN I GET YOU A DRINK,
MR. SHORT?
CAN YOU GIVE THIS NOTE TO THE
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00:14:16,766 --> 00:14:27,276
POLICE, MR. SHORT?
NOW THAT MARTY IS GOB,NE, WH
WILL I EVER WORK WITH?
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00:14:27,276 --> 00:14:34,884
WILL I EVER WORK WITH?
HOW ABOUT ME?
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
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00:14:59,876 --> 00:15:10,319
CHEMISTRY, HOW LOVELY ARE THY
IONS *
I LOVE THAT SONG SO MUCH.
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00:15:10,319 --> 00:15:16,692
HEY, KIDS, I'M DR. SCIENCE.
AND I'M MR. SCIENCE.
AND WHAT BETTER TIME THAN THE
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00:15:16,692 --> 00:15:23,099
HOLIDAYS TO LEARN ABOUT THE
SCIENCE OF SNOW.
JOINING US TODAY ARE LONI AND
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00:15:23,099 --> 00:15:27,537
JOSH
HAPPY HOLIDAYS, GUYS
LONI, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
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00:15:27,537 --> 00:15:31,574
HOLIDAY TRADITION?
CHRISTMAS.
OKAY.
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00:15:31,574 --> 00:15:36,112
WELL -- JOSH, WHAT DO YOU WANT
FOR CHRISTMAS?
TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO
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00:15:36,112 --> 00:15:45,755
MY BROTHER
OKAY.
WELL, I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT
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00:15:45,755 --> 00:15:52,495
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD SAY YOU WANT
A SKATEBOARD OR SOMETHING, BUT
I'M SURE YOUR BROTHER WILL BE
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00:15:52,495 --> 00:15:57,734
FINE
LET'S TALK ABOUT SNOW.
WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT SNOW?
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00:15:57,734 --> 00:16:05,074
FOR ONE, SNOW FORMS IN THE BIG
THINGS IN THE SKY CALLED --
LONI
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00:16:05,074 --> 00:16:06,476
STARS.
NO.
JOSH
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00:16:06,476 --> 00:16:15,485
STARTS WITH A C.
SI, SENOR.
STARTS WITH A C, THE LETTER
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00:16:15,485 --> 00:16:19,288
C.
THE C WORD IS BAD.
NOT THE C WORD.
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00:16:19,288 --> 00:16:24,660
IT'S BIG, IT'S WHITE IT'S PUFFY.
MY DAD?
CLOUDS.
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00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:32,368
SNOW FORMS INSIDE CLOUDS.
LET'S THINK BEFORE WE ANSWER.
NOW SNOW FORMS WHEN IT GETS SO
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00:16:32,368 --> 00:16:37,673
COLD THAT THE WATER VAPOR INSIDE
A CLOUD DOES WHAT, LONI?
SNOWS.
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00:16:37,673 --> 00:16:44,113
IT'S HOW WATER TURNS INTO AN
ICE.
IT STARTS WITH AN F.
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00:16:44,113 --> 00:16:55,591
JOSH
PHFOE SYNTHESIS.
STARTS WITH AN F -- FREE --
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00:16:55,591 --> 00:17:00,563
BRITNEY
GUYS, FREEZE.
THE WORD WAS FREEZE.
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00:17:00,563 --> 00:17:05,868
JUST LIKE THERE ARE
RAINSTORMS, ALREADY ALSO
SNOWSTORMS.
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00:17:05,868 --> 00:17:09,939
TRUE.
I WASN'T ASKING, BUT YES,
THAT IS TRUE.
126
00:17:09,939 --> 00:17:15,578
YEAH.
YOU DON'T HIGH FIVE EACH
OTHER BASED -- DON'T FIST BUMP
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00:17:15,578 --> 00:17:19,916
EITHER
STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
FOR OUR EXPERIMENT TODAY,
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00:17:19,916 --> 00:17:29,092
WE'RE GOING TO MAKE OUR OWN
SNOWSTORM.
IT WILL OBVIOUSLY NOT BE AS BIG
129
00:17:29,092 --> 00:17:30,426
AS A REAL ONE.
BUT EVEN IF SOMETHING'S SMALL,
IT CAN STILL --
130
00:17:30,426 --> 00:17:39,469
FEEL GOOD FOR THE GIRL?
I DON'T FOLLOW THIS.
BECAUSE MY SISTER TOLD ME
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00:17:39,469 --> 00:17:47,677
THAT EVEN IF THE GUY HAS A SMALL
THING, IT CAN STILL FEEL GOOD IF
THE GUY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING.
132
00:17:47,677 --> 00:17:52,815
NO.
IT'S TEACH A BIG LESSON.
YOU WERE VERY, VERY WRONG.
133
00:17:52,815 --> 00:17:59,255
YOUR SISTER, HOWEVER, IS
VERY, VERY RIGHT
NOW, TO DO THIS AT HOME, WE'LL
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00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:06,195
NEED SOME WATER IN A GLASS, BABY
OIL -- DON'T TOUCH THAT, PLEASE,
GUYS.
135
00:18:06,195 --> 00:18:10,133
STOP IT.
AND PAINT -- STOP TOUCHING
IT, PLEASE.
136
00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:14,437
MAKE SURE TO HAVE A GROWN UP
HELP YOU FIRST
SAFETY FIRST.
137
00:18:14,437 --> 00:18:19,108
I HAVE A FUN SAFETY JOKE,
JOSH
KNOCK, KNOCK.
138
00:18:19,108 --> 00:18:21,310
COME IN.
NO.
JOSH
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00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:25,882
YOU SAY, KNOCK, KNOCK, WHO'S
THERE.
KNOCK, KNOCK.
140
00:18:25,882 --> 00:18:29,318
WHO'S THERE
SAFETY.
HI.
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00:18:29,318 --> 00:18:32,822
I'M JOSH.
DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS
WORKS?
142
00:18:32,822 --> 00:18:39,762
YOU SAY SAFETY WHO
KNOCK, KNOCK.
SAFETY WHO.
143
00:18:39,762 --> 00:18:45,568
OH, GAH
ARE YOU OKAY, MR. SCIENCE
I'M UPSET.
144
00:18:45,568 --> 00:18:50,239
COME BACK, LITTLE BUDDY
COME BACK.
BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT
145
00:18:50,239 --> 00:19:02,852
OKAY.
WE PUT EVERYTHING INTO OUR GLASS
HERE EXCEPT THE ALKASELTZER TO
146
00:19:02,852 --> 00:19:08,591
SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS WHEN COLD
AIR MEETS WARM AIR
GET IN CLOSE, GUYS
147
00:19:08,591 --> 00:19:11,894
THREE, TWO, ONE, SCIENCE.
WOW
JOSH, WHAT'S GOING ON?
148
00:19:11,894 --> 00:19:15,932
NOT MUCH.
WE HAVE TWO WEEKS OFF FOR WINTER
BREAK.
149
00:19:15,932 --> 00:19:19,535
NOT IN YOUR LIFE.
IN HERE.
WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE?
150
00:19:19,535 --> 00:19:23,506
DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
YOUR FINGER
151
00:19:23,506 --> 00:19:27,944
NO.
SOMETHING'S GOING ON
DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?
152
00:19:27,944 --> 00:19:34,550
* DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE, A STAR
A STAR *
SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS
153
00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:39,756
LOOK WHAT WE'VE MADE
IT'S A WHAT?
IT'S A ME, MARIO.
154
00:19:39,756 --> 00:19:42,859
NO.
IT'S NOT A ME MARIO.
GO TO COMMERCIAL.
155
00:19:42,859 --> 00:19:49,866
GO TO COMMERCIAL.
TURN THE CAMERA OFF
I'M GOING TO CHOKE THIS KID!
156
00:19:57,673 --> 00:20:01,210
CHELSEA?
YOUR EX CHELSEA
YEAH.
157
00:20:01,210 --> 00:20:05,548
I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT HER
IN A WHILE.
WHEN YOU GUYS BROKE UP, IT
158
00:20:05,548 --> 00:20:09,752
WAS SUCH A RELIEF.
SHE WAS SUCH A NEGATIVE
PERSON.
159
00:20:09,752 --> 00:20:14,957
A BAD PERSON.
WHENEVER SHE WOULD WALK INTO
A ROOM, IT WAS LIKE, I GUESS
160
00:20:14,957 --> 00:20:18,194
THIS ROOM IS GOING TO SUCK A
LITTLE BIT.
I WOULD HAVE DAY TREATMENTS
161
00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:22,065
OF HER BEING STEPD ON BY A
GIANT.
SHE WOULD ALWAYS HAVE FOOD ON
162
00:20:22,065 --> 00:20:29,038
HER SHIRT LIKE A BABY.
LIKE DOES THIS FOOD BELONG IN
MY NOUGT OR ON MY SHIRT.
163
00:20:29,038 --> 00:20:40,083
SHE STUNG.
SHE WAS STINKY.
EWW, CHELSEA.
164
00:20:40,083 --> 00:20:43,686
WHY?
WHAT'S GOING ON WITH CHELSEA
WE GOT BACK TOGETHER.
165
00:20:43,686 --> 00:20:48,458
YOU DID
AND SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
CHELSEA.
166
00:20:48,458 --> 00:20:52,662
CHELSEA.
IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
JOHN, WHAT THE HELL?
167
00:20:52,662 --> 00:20:59,469
SO ARE YOU GUYS SERIOUS OR
CASUAL
JOHN JUST PROPOSED.
168
00:20:59,469 --> 00:21:02,805
WEDDING IS IN JUNE.
LOVE IT
CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THE FAMILIAR.
169
00:21:02,805 --> 00:21:07,110
YOU ALREADY DID
THEY'RE ON ZOOM.
WHAT'S UP, FAMILY
170
00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:12,115
Y'ALL DON'T SEEM TOO HAPPY
WITH ME.
ANYONE TALKS CRAP ABOUT MY
171
00:21:12,115 --> 00:21:17,253
DAUGHTER, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN --
TURN THAT OFF
YOU REMEMBER THAT STUFF WE WERE
172
00:21:17,253 --> 00:21:21,858
TALKING ABOUT EARLIER?
I DO.
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT JOHN'S
173
00:21:21,858 --> 00:21:28,264
OTHER EX COURTNEY.
COURTNEY WAS THE ONE WHO WAS
LIKE A FUGLY NERD.
174
00:21:28,264 --> 00:21:32,935
WOW.
COURTNEY, DIDN'T SEE YOU.
WE DIDN'T MEAN TO INSULT YOU.
175
00:21:32,935 --> 00:21:41,144
READ BACK THE WORDS.
SHE WAS LIKE A SLOPPY SEWER
SCUM.
176
00:21:41,144 --> 00:21:49,152
GET OUT OF HERE YOU WEIRDO.
DON'T TALK ABOUT HER THAT
WAY.
177
00:21:49,152 --> 00:21:53,056
SHE'S MY WIFE.
STEVE, COME ON.
YOU'RE OUR FAVORITE HOST.
178
00:21:53,056 --> 00:21:59,429
FAVORITE HOST
DAMN IT
I'M TELLING MICHAEL CHE.
179
00:21:59,429 --> 00:22:03,933
COME ON, GUYS
WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE
RULES?
180
00:22:03,933 --> 00:22:08,571
A, B, C RULE.
YEAH.
ALWAYS BE KIND
181
00:22:08,571 --> 00:22:13,409
YOU BROKE THE RULES.
BEN'S THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS.
CAN YOU NOT TALK ABOUT BEN
182
00:22:13,409 --> 00:22:16,779
THAT WAY
HE'S RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S REALLY NOT COOL, MAN.
183
00:22:16,779 --> 00:22:20,950
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
MARTIN, LET'S GO BACK TO MY
APARTMENT.
184
00:22:20,950 --> 00:22:24,687
YOU CAN ALL TAKE ONE THING HOME
WITH YOU.
YEA
185
00:22:24,687 --> 00:22:29,392
THANK YOU, STEVE.
ONE THING.
AWESOME
186
00:22:29,392 --> 00:22:35,531
* NOW I'M ALL ATO LOAN
YOU TALK CRAP ABOUT MY
DAUGHTER, YOU'RE DEAD.
187
00:22:35,531 --> 00:22:37,600
YOU TALK CRAP ABOUT MY
DAUGHTER, YOU'RE DEAD.
A HAD, H!
188
00:22:50,713 --> 00:22:53,950
BUFFALO.
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT
BUFFALO, I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO
189
00:22:53,950 --> 00:22:57,053
GET THERE.
WOW, A REAL CHRISTMAS IN
BUFFALO.
190
00:22:57,053 --> 00:23:04,560
IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING.
JUST LIKE DEAR OLD PEPOO AND
MOO MOO USED TO TALK ABOUT.
191
00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,331
THEY WOULD BE SO PROUD OF US.
MINUS SOME OF THE STUFF WE'VE
DONE.
192
00:23:08,331 --> 00:23:13,302
WELL, I'M GLAD I SAT WITH YOU
THREE.
YOU SEEM LIKE A FUN GROUP.
193
00:23:13,302 --> 00:23:16,806
WE ARE FUN.
THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THAT.
WHERE YOU HEADED, MISTER?
194
00:23:16,806 --> 00:23:22,178
ARE YOU GOING TO BUFFALO TWO OR
BUFFALO THREE?
THAT'S MY BUFFALO JOKE THAT I
195
00:23:22,178 --> 00:23:24,981
DO.
YEAH.
NO, I'M JUST HEADING THERE ON
196
00:23:24,981 --> 00:23:28,251
BUSINESS
THE ONLY REASON ANYONE WOULD
WANT TO GO TO BUFFALO.
197
00:23:28,251 --> 00:23:31,487
ONLY REASON
BUT IT'S THE BEST PLACE TO SEE
IT.
198
00:23:31,487 --> 00:23:36,859
SEE WHAT?
ARE YOU MESSING WITH US
SNOW, OF COURSE.
199
00:23:36,859 --> 00:23:52,442
* SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW
* IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE WE'LL
ALL BE THERE WITH SNOW *
200
00:23:52,442 --> 00:24:00,183
* SNOW, I WANT TO WASH MY HANDS
MY HAIR, MY ASS WITH SNOW *
OH, WOW
201
00:24:00,183 --> 00:24:04,087
THAT SOUNDS COLD
YOU MUST REALLY LIKE SNOW.
WE DON'T KNOW, SIR.
202
00:24:04,087 --> 00:24:10,393
WE'VE NEVER SEEN IT.
NOT IN PERSON, ANYWAY
* SNOW, I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE AN
203
00:24:10,393 --> 00:24:21,003
TOUCH A BUNCH OF SNOW *
* SNOW, TO KISS A GREAT BIG MAN
ENTIRELY MADE OF SNOW *
204
00:24:21,003 --> 00:24:24,974
JUST KISS
YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER JUST KISS.
OKAY.
205
00:24:24,974 --> 00:24:28,478
YEAH
MAYBE MORE
I'M JUST SO EXCITED FOR SNOW
206
00:24:28,478 --> 00:24:38,121
IF I CLOSE MY EYES, I FEEL LIKE
I CAN ALMOST SEE IT.
*
207
00:24:38,121 --> 00:24:46,596
* WHERE IT'S SNOWING, THAT'S
WHERE I WANT TO BE *
* SNOWBALL ATE OOETING, THAT'S
208
00:24:46,596 --> 00:24:52,935
WHAT I'LLDO *
* HOW I'M LONGING TO SLEEP ALL
NIGHT IN THE SNOW *
209
00:24:52,935 --> 00:24:56,305
SLEEP IN THE SNOW
ARE YOU CRAZY?
FOR SNOW.
210
00:24:56,305 --> 00:25:02,678
NOW I'M EXCITED FOR SNOW.
* WHAT IS CHRISTMAS WITH NO
SNOW *
211
00:25:02,678 --> 00:25:13,189
* NO WHITE CHRISTMAS WITH NO,
NO, NO, SNOW *
* I'LL WASH MY HAIR WITH SNOW
212
00:25:13,189 --> 00:25:19,629
WHY NOT
* FILL MY UNDERWEAR WITH SNOW.
IF THAT'S YOUR THING *
213
00:25:19,629 --> 00:25:27,537
AND WHEN I SEE THE SNOW, I'M
GOING TO KNOW IT'S SNOW *
WELL, I WOULD HOPE SO.
214
00:25:27,537 --> 00:25:30,740
* SNOW
SO YOU'VE REALLY NEVER SEEN
SNOW
215
00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:34,110
WHERE ARE YOU FROM
THE WOODS.
THE WOODS
216
00:25:34,110 --> 00:25:38,915
YES.
ISN'T THERE SNOW THERE?
AT TIMES, BUT WE ALWAYS SLEEP
217
00:25:38,915 --> 00:25:41,918
THROUGH IT.
OTHERWISE, WE WOULDN'T
SURVIVE THE WINTER.
218
00:25:41,918 --> 00:25:45,722
DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT.
THAT'S WHY WE HAVE ALL THESE
NUTS WITH US.
219
00:25:45,722 --> 00:25:48,157
OH, WOW
NUTS.
THOSE ARE OURS!
220
00:25:48,157 --> 00:25:52,195
OKAY.
SORRY.
BUT LISTEN, IT'S GETTING LATE.
221
00:25:52,195 --> 00:26:02,839
* I WOULD LOVE TO STAY AND BEG
WITH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO GET SOME
SHUT EYE, GO TO SLEEP AND
222
00:26:02,839 --> 00:26:13,750
DREAM *
* OF SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW,
SNOW *
223
00:26:13,750 --> 00:26:19,088
OH, GOSH.
WELL, THAT SONG MADE ME SLEEPY
YOU KNOW THE RULES.
224
00:26:19,088 --> 00:26:24,360
BUT IF YOU FALL ASLEEP, WE
BREAK THE SPELL.
WHAT SPELL?
225
00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:28,131
OH, WE WON'T GET OUR
CHRISTMAS WISH
OH, BROTHER.
226
00:26:28,131 --> 00:26:32,335
WHAT WISH
I WAS REALLY HOPING THEY
WOULD MAKE IT THIS TIME.
227
00:26:32,335 --> 00:26:38,808
THOSE BEARS MAKE THE SAME
CHRISTMAS WISH EVERY YEAR, TO
TURN INTO HUMANS AND RIDE THE
228
00:26:38,808 --> 00:26:44,313
TRAIN TO BUFFALO TO SEE SNOW
BUT THEY ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP AND
HIBERNATE.
229
00:26:44,313 --> 00:26:49,318
BEAR SNS WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING -- HEY
WAKE UP!
230
00:26:49,318 --> 00:26:54,123
IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE.
DON'T WAKE THEM UP.
ARE YOU INSANE
231
00:26:54,123 --> 00:26:57,527
THEY'LL KILL US.
THEY'RE BEARS.
GOOD POINT.
232
00:26:57,527 --> 00:27:05,935
WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BEARS
OH, NUTS.
THOSE ARE OURS!
233
00:27:10,540 --> 00:27:22,985
CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, YOU'VE
COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.
THE ACTUAL MR. CHRIS CRINGLE HAS
234
00:27:22,985 --> 00:27:25,221
COME ALL THE WAY FROM THE NORTH
POLE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
235
00:27:25,221 --> 00:27:33,563
MY SCHEDULE IS A LITTLE CRAZY
RIGHT NOW, BUT THERE'S NO PLACE
I WOULD RATHER BE.
236
00:27:33,563 --> 00:27:36,666
RI
RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
237
00:27:36,666 --> 00:27:42,739
IT'S SPRINKLES, BUT SOMETIMES I
GET EXCITED AND I SAY PRINGLES
I DON'T KNOW
238
00:27:42,739 --> 00:27:48,945
I LIKE PRINGLES.
I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU
SPRINKLES FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS.
239
00:27:48,945 --> 00:27:53,916
IT'S SPRINKLES.
I MADE A MISTAKE
DROP IT!
240
00:27:53,916 --> 00:27:56,319
OKAY.
SORRY.
WHO'S FIRST.
241
00:27:56,319 --> 00:28:00,289
THIS IS PENNY
SHE'S NINE
SHE'S YOUR BIGGEST FAN.
242
00:28:00,289 --> 00:28:05,828
I LOVE YOU, SANTA.
THAT'S SWEET.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE THIS YEAR.
243
00:28:05,828 --> 00:28:13,202
I WOULD LIKE A MAGIC
CHRISTY'S CRYSTAL BALL AND A
WHAT THE FLUFF INTERACTIVE TOY
244
00:28:13,202 --> 00:28:14,737
CAT.
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE
THAT.
245
00:28:14,737 --> 00:28:19,609
OH, AND ALSO --
THAT'S ENOUGH
YOU ASK FOR TWO THINGS
246
00:28:19,609 --> 00:28:24,280
THAT'S ENOUGH.
READ THE ROOM.
BUT I WANT A RAINBOW DOLL.
247
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,283
I SAID NO
IT'S TOO MUCH.
HE CAN'T DO IT.
248
00:28:27,283 --> 00:28:32,088
OF COURSE I CAN DO IT
I'M SANTA.
YOU'LL GET ALL YOU ASK FOR AND
249
00:28:32,088 --> 00:28:33,723
MORE
I PROMISE YOU.
NEXT!
250
00:28:33,723 --> 00:28:37,427
IS EVERYTHING OKAY?
YEP
IT IS
251
00:28:37,427 --> 00:28:42,165
I SAID YES!
THIS IS DANNY
HE'S 11.
252
00:28:42,165 --> 00:28:49,672
MY MOM SAYS SOON I'LL BE TOO
OLD TO COME SEE YOU.
NONSENSE.
253
00:28:49,672 --> 00:28:56,579
YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD
WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS YEAR
I WANT A SKATEBOARD, AND
254
00:28:56,579 --> 00:29:03,553
BEATS HEADPHONES, AND A HOODIE.
OH, MY GOD.
ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM
255
00:29:03,553 --> 00:29:05,555
WHAT?
HE CANNOT OPERATE ON THIS
LEVEL.
256
00:29:05,555 --> 00:29:12,228
YOU WANT A TODAY SNIDER WHAT
POPOVER HOODIE.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS.
257
00:29:12,228 --> 00:29:16,666
OF COURSE I DO.
IT'S A HOOD DID I WITH A THING
IT'S A WONDERFUL GIFT.
258
00:29:16,666 --> 00:29:20,336
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE AIR PODS
HE GOUT LAST YEAR?
I LOST THEM.
259
00:29:20,336 --> 00:29:25,942
YOU SON OF A BITCH.
GET OUT OF HERE.
NOW STAY OUT
260
00:29:25,942 --> 00:29:31,914
NEXT
SPRINKLES, YOU HAVE LEGS!
MY GOSH.
261
00:29:31,914 --> 00:29:37,387
FOR THREE YEARS NOW
THANKS FOR NOTICING.
THAT'S AMAZING.
262
00:29:37,387 --> 00:29:43,993
I'M NOT SURE THIS IS A GOOD
IDEA, BUT THIS IS AMANDA
OH, HI, AMANDA.
263
00:29:43,993 --> 00:29:49,632
AREN'T YOU CUTE?
I WANT TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETS.
SAY THAT AGAIN.
264
00:29:49,632 --> 00:29:54,137
I DARE YOU.
I WANT TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETS.
THEN GET A JOB!
265
00:29:54,137 --> 00:29:58,341
SPRINKLES.
I'M SORRY.
CAN I TALK WITH YOU
266
00:29:58,341 --> 00:30:02,078
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU'RE JUST SAYING YES TO
EVERYTHING.
267
00:30:02,078 --> 00:30:08,751
BUT I LOVE CHILDREN.
THERE ARE 2 BILLION OF THEM,
AND THEY ALL WANT A FORTNIGHT
268
00:30:08,751 --> 00:30:14,257
BATTLE PASS, WHATEVER THE HELL
THAT IS.
CALM DOWN.
269
00:30:14,257 --> 00:30:20,396
EVERY YEAR WE'RE AFRAID WE CAN'T
PULL IT OFF, BUT WE ALWAYS DO.
AND THIS YEAR, WE WILL TOO
270
00:30:20,396 --> 00:30:23,900
I PROMISE.
WITH CHRISTMAS MAGIC?
WELL, THERE'S THIS OTHER
271
00:30:23,900 --> 00:30:27,637
STUFF I HEARD ABOUT.
IT'S CALLED SPEED.
SPEED, WHAT'S THAT?
272
00:30:27,637 --> 00:30:31,441
WELL, IT'S SOME KIND OF
VITAMIN THAT MAKES YOU GO
FASTER
273
00:30:31,441 --> 00:30:36,546
WE JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHERE
TO GET SOME.
CAN'T YOU ASK ONE OF THE KIDS
274
00:30:36,546 --> 00:30:41,818
IF THEY HAVE ANYTHING.
I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ASK THEM
FOR STUFF, BUT MAYBE IF ONE OF
275
00:30:41,818 --> 00:30:46,022
THEM BRINGS IT UP --
LET'S TRY.
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
276
00:30:46,022 --> 00:30:51,160
I'M LISA, SKI WANT A PONY.
THAT'S GREAT.
YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SPEED?
277
00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,063
NO.
WHAT IS THAT.
THIS KID'S NOTHING.
278
00:30:54,063 --> 00:30:58,034
GET OUT OF HERE.
HEY, WAIT
THAT GUY KNOWS, I BET.
279
00:30:58,034 --> 00:31:01,003
WHO
ME
OH, HE KNOWS.
280
00:31:01,003 --> 00:31:06,809
HE DEFINITELY KNOWS
COME HERE, LITTLE BOY.
UH-HUH
281
00:31:06,809 --> 00:31:13,116
UH-HUH
UH-HUH
AND THEY TAKE CASH
282
00:31:20,022 --> 00:31:27,130
DICKENS A CHRISTMAS CAROL.
OH, SPIRITS, PLEASE
I WANT TO BE A BETTER MAN.
283
00:31:27,130 --> 00:31:36,939
I WANT TO LIVE
I'M ALIVE.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M ALIVE
284
00:31:36,939 --> 00:31:42,178
THANK YOU, SPIRITS
THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THE
WAY!
285
00:31:42,178 --> 00:31:52,722
OH, I'M AS LIGHT AS A FEATHER.
I'M AT GIDDY AS A MAN.
I WILL CHANGE.
286
00:31:52,722 --> 00:31:59,395
I SWEAR I'LL CHANGE.
I HOPE FS NOT TOO LATE
OH, YOU, LAD
287
00:31:59,395 --> 00:32:02,265
YOU DOWN THERE
ME?
YES, YOU.
288
00:32:02,265 --> 00:32:08,004
COME HERE.
WHAT DAY IS TODAY?
WHY, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, SIR.
289
00:32:08,004 --> 00:32:14,644
AH, CHRISTMAS, THEN I HAVEN'T
MISSED IT.
MY DEAR BOY, YOU KNOW THE PRIZED
290
00:32:14,644 --> 00:32:20,950
GOOSE IN THE WINDOW DOWN THE
STREET
THE ONE AS BIG AS ME?
291
00:32:20,950 --> 00:32:27,657
THAT'S THE ONE.
GO AND BUY IT SO THAT TINY TIM
AND HIS FAMILY CAN HAVE A FEAST.
292
00:32:27,657 --> 00:32:35,131
WHAT SHALL I BUY IT WITH,
SSI
SIR?
293
00:32:35,131 --> 00:32:40,036
I'M SO POOR.
WHY WITH THIS, OF COURSE.
AHH
294
00:32:40,036 --> 00:32:45,508
OH, MY GOD
WHATTHE HELL ARE YOU DOING
I'M BLIND!
295
00:32:45,508 --> 00:32:49,479
WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH IT
YOU'RE BLAMING ME.
HERE.
296
00:32:49,479 --> 00:32:54,150
TAKE THIS FOR YOUR MEDICAL
BILLS.
WHAT'S THAT
297
00:32:54,150 --> 00:32:57,653
AHH!
OH, MY GOD
THIS CRAZY OLD MAN IS
298
00:32:57,653 --> 00:33:02,658
WHIPPING COINS INTO THE EYES OF
ORPHANS.
I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS AN
299
00:33:02,658 --> 00:33:09,198
ORPHAN.
OH, YEAH, LIKE I LOOK LIKE I
HAVE LIVING PARENTS?
300
00:33:09,198 --> 00:33:17,740
HEY, SCROOGE, JUST THOUGHT
YOU WOULD CHECK IN ON YOU AND
SEE -- OH, MY GOSH.
301
00:33:17,740 --> 00:33:22,111
SOMEONE ARREST THAT MAN
HE'S BLINDING CHILDREN FOR
SPORT.
302
00:33:22,111 --> 00:33:28,885
HE'S ALWAYS BEEN A CRUEL OLD
MAN.
LET ME GUESS, YOU TOSSED THE
303
00:33:28,885 --> 00:33:35,525
COIN WAY UP IN THE AIR, RIGHT?
THAT'S A CLASSIC MISTAKE
WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS TOSS THE
304
00:33:35,525 --> 00:33:39,562
COIN STRAIGHT DOWN
NOW WATCH THIS.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
305
00:33:39,562 --> 00:33:44,534
I COULDN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENED.
HE'S BLINDING THE WHOLE TOWN,
HE IS.
306
00:33:44,534 --> 00:33:48,271
THAT WAS MY BAD
HERE, KID.
PUT SOME ICE ON IT.
307
00:33:48,271 --> 00:33:56,546
AHH
THAT WAS HIM.
YEAH, THEY CAN'T SEE ME
308
00:33:56,546 --> 00:34:05,254
BECAUSE I'M A GHOST, SO YOU LOOK
LIKE A TOTAL SIGH OWE PATH NOW.
IS IT TRUE, MR. SCROOGE
309
00:34:05,254 --> 00:34:10,526
ARE YOU BLINDING PEOPLE FOR FUN?
OF COURSE NOT, TINY TIM.
I'M A CHANGED MAN.
310
00:34:10,526 --> 00:34:16,666
NOW, TAKE THIS MONEY TO FIX YOUR
LEGS
I'LL THROW IT ON THE GROUND AND
311
00:34:16,666 --> 00:34:27,176
YOU CAN PICK IT UP, OKAY
SCROOGE JUST THREW TINY TIM
INTO THE SUER.
312
00:34:27,176 --> 00:34:31,481
HE'S THE DEVIL, HE IS.
MY NEW ADVICE IS LAWYER UP.
IT'S FINE
313
00:34:31,481 --> 00:34:38,421
I CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS.
LET'S EVERYONE KEEP QUIET ABOUT
THIS WHOLE INCIDENT, SHALL WE,
314
00:34:38,421 --> 00:34:43,326
AND I'LL MAKE IT WORTH YOUR
WHILE.
PLEASE STOP YELLING AND
315
00:34:43,326 --> 00:35:01,644
THROWING SHINY OBJECTS
YOU'RE GOING TO SPOOK THE HORSE!
OKAY.
316
00:35:01,644 --> 00:35:09,919
WELL, WE'VE ALL LEARNED A LOT
TODAY, HAVEN'T WE?
BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON
317
00:35:09,919 --> 00:35:23,633
IS -- MERRY CHRISTMAS.
APPLE PAY
NEVER USE COINS AGAIN.
318
00:35:29,172 --> 00:35:37,313
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BRANDI
CARLISLE
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
319
00:35:37,313 --> 00:35:50,760
*
* ALL OF THESE LINE
ACROSS MY FACE
320
00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:57,200
TELL YOU THE STORY
OF WHO I AM *
* SO MANY STORIES O
321
00:35:57,200 --> 00:36:06,309
WHERE I'VE BEE
AND HOW I GO
TO WHERE I AM *
322
00:36:06,309 --> 00:36:14,917
* BUT THESE STORIES
DON'T MEAN ANYTHIN
WHEN YOU'VE GOT NO ONE
323
00:36:14,917 --> 00:36:29,432
TO TELL THEM TO *
* IT'S TRUE
I WAS MADE FOR YOU
324
00:36:29,432 --> 00:36:36,973
I CLIMBED ACROSS
THE MOUNTAINTOPS *
* SWAM ALL ACROSS
325
00:36:36,973 --> 00:36:44,547
THE OCEAN BLUE
I CROSSED ALL THE LINE
AND I BROKE ALL THE RULES *
326
00:36:44,547 --> 00:36:53,756
* BUT BAB
I BROKE THEM ALL FOR YOU
OH BECAUSE EVEN WHEN
327
00:36:53,756 --> 00:37:06,069
I WAS FLAT BROKE *
* YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE
A MILLION BUCKS YOU DO
328
00:37:06,069 --> 00:37:28,091
AND I WAS MADE FOR YOU *
*
*
329
00:37:28,091 --> 00:38:07,196
*
*
* YOU SEE THE SMILE
330
00:38:07,196 --> 00:38:15,304
THAT'S ON MY MOUTH
IT'S HIDING THE WORD
THAT DON'T COME OUT *
331
00:38:15,304 --> 00:38:22,278
* AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS
WHO THINK I AM BLESSED
THEY DON'T KNO
332
00:38:22,278 --> 00:38:33,122
MY HEAD IS A MESS *
* NO THEY DON'T KNO
WHO I REALLY A
333
00:38:33,122 --> 00:38:41,664
AND THEY DON'T KNO
WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH *
* LIKE YOU DO
334
00:38:41,664 --> 00:38:52,975
AND I WAS MADE FOR YOU
AND ALL OF THESE LINES
ACROSS MY FACE *
335
00:38:52,975 --> 00:39:01,050
* TELL YOU THE STOR
OF WHO I A
SO MANY STORIES OF
336
00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:10,159
WHERE I'VE BEEN *
* AND HOW I GOT
TO WHERE I A
337
00:39:10,159 --> 00:39:19,836
OH BUT THESE STORIES
DON'T MEAN ANYTHING *
* WHEN YOU'VE GOT NO ON
338
00:39:19,836 --> 00:39:31,681
TO TELL THEM TO IT'S TRU
I WAS MADE FOR YOU
OH YEAH *
339
00:39:31,681 --> 00:39:59,108
* WELL IT'S TRU
THAT I WAS MADE FOR YOU *
*
340
00:39:59,108 --> 00:40:02,578
THAT I WAS MADE FOR YOU *
*
[ APPLAUSE ]
341
00:40:17,727 --> 00:40:24,534
HEY
THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
342
00:40:24,534 --> 00:40:30,239
WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE
I'M MICHAEL CHE.
I'M COLIN JOST.
343
00:40:30,239 --> 00:40:38,481
WELL, IT WAS SHAPING UP TO BE A
GOOD WEEK FOR JOE BIDEN.
HE GOT BRITNEY BRINER BACK, HE
344
00:40:38,481 --> 00:40:47,123
KEPT MARRIAGE GAY, AND HE'S ONLY
GOT 14 MORE SLEEPS TILL SANTA.
BUT THEN KYRSTEN SINEMA SAID,
345
00:40:47,123 --> 00:40:54,097
HOLD MY WIG.
ARIZONA SENATOR KYRSTEN SINEMA
SEEN HERE REALIZING SOMEONE IS
346
00:40:54,097 --> 00:40:59,001
ACTUALLY WAVING TO THE PERSON
BEHIND HER, ANNOUNCED THAT SHE
IS LEAVING THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
347
00:40:59,001 --> 00:41:07,643
AND IS REGISTERING AS AN
INDEPENDENT.
EXPLAINS SINEMA, PAY ATTENTION
348
00:41:07,643 --> 00:41:13,282
TO ME.
WNBA STAR BRITTNEY GRINER WAS
FREED FROM PRISON IN EXCHANGE
349
00:41:13,282 --> 00:41:20,923
FOR ARMS DEALER, VICTOR BOOT
BOOT WAS ONLY AVERAGING FIVE
POINTS AND TWO REBOUNDS A GAME.
350
00:41:20,923 --> 00:41:27,397
RAPHAEL WARNOCK DEFEATED
HERSCHEL WALKER IN GEORGIA'S
SENATE RUNOFF RACE
351
00:41:27,397 --> 00:41:34,137
I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE LAST
YOU'LL HEAR FROM HERSCHEL
WALKER, I MEAN, THLS HE'S YOUR
352
00:41:34,137 --> 00:41:44,647
BIOLOGICAL FATHER.
WITH WARNOCK'S WIN, SENATORS
WILL NO LONGER AHAVE TO RELY ON
353
00:41:44,647 --> 00:41:50,153
HARRIS FOR BREAKING VOTE
SHE CAN NOW FOCUS ON WAITING FOR
A BIKE ACCIDENT.
354
00:41:50,153 --> 00:41:59,028
THE SUPREME COURT HEARD A
CASE THIS WEEK OVER WHETHER A
SE
355
00:41:59,028 --> 00:42:07,203
CONSERVATIVE EVANGELICAL WOMAN
WHO CAN DESIGN
I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO'S GOING
356
00:42:07,203 --> 00:42:12,608
TO HIRE A DESIGNER WITH THOSE
HIGHLIGHTS
HONEY
357
00:42:12,608 --> 00:42:17,980
I'M SORRY
I APOLOGIZE.
DURING ORAL ARGUMENTS IN THE
358
00:42:17,980 --> 00:42:26,923
CASE, JUSTICE SAMUEL ALITO
RAISED THE QUESTION, COULD A
BLACK DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA BE
359
00:42:26,923 --> 00:42:32,795
FORCED TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH A
CHILD IN A CLAN ROBE
HE SAID HE WOULD LOVE AN ANSWER
360
00:42:32,795 --> 00:42:37,300
BEFORE HE TAKES HIS GRAND KIDS
TO THE MALL NEXT WEEK.
DONALD TRUMP SAID THE RESULTS
361
00:42:37,300 --> 00:42:41,604
OF THE 2020 ELECTION SHOULD BE
OVERTURNED AND CALLED FOR THE
TERMINATION OF THE CONSTITUTION.
362
00:42:41,604 --> 00:42:45,842
TRUMP PLANS TO TERMINATE THE
CONSTITUTION BY ASKING HERSCHEL
WALKER TO DRIVE IT TO THE
363
00:42:45,842 --> 00:43:03,326
CLINIC
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS SAW
TODAY, MOROCCO BEAT PORTUGAL
364
00:43:03,326 --> 00:43:13,102
IT'S THE BEST WORK SINCE THE
AFRICANS WHO BUILT THE STADIUMS.
I DIDN'T DO IT
365
00:43:13,102 --> 00:43:22,879
PORTUGAL'S HEAD COACH DECIDED
NOT TO START SOCCER LEGEND
EVEN MORE INSULTING, AT HALF
366
00:43:22,879 --> 00:43:30,253
TIME, HE TRIED TO TRADE RENALDO
FOR BRITTNEY GRINER.
BUT THE BIGGEST UPSET WAS THAT
367
00:43:30,253 --> 00:43:37,627
FAVORITE BRAZIL WAS ELIMINATED,
EXCEPT FOR A TINY STRIP DOWN THE
MIDDLE
368
00:43:37,627 --> 00:43:49,272
NIKE HAS OFFICIALLY CUT TIES
WITH BROOKLYN NETS STAR KY
KYRIE IRVING OVER THE
369
00:43:49,272 --> 00:43:54,043
ANTI-SEMITISM SCANDAL.
HE SAID HE'S SO DEPRESSED, HE
MIGHT JUMP OFF THE EDGE OF THE
370
00:43:54,043 --> 00:44:01,517
WORLD.
TODAY WAS THE SANTA CON BAR
CRAWL IN NEW YORK CITY
371
00:44:01,517 --> 00:44:07,390
YEAH
THE ANNUAL REMINDER THAT WHILE
SANTA MAY EXIST, GOD DOESN'T.
372
00:44:07,390 --> 00:44:12,095
SANTA MAY EXIST, GOD DOESN'T.
WELL, FOLKS, THE HOLIDAY
SEASON THE OFFICIALLY UPON US.
373
00:44:12,095 --> 00:44:22,305
HERE WITH SOME TIPS ON HOW TO
GET YOUR SHOPPING DONE QUICKLY
IS MARY ANN LOUISE FISHER.
374
00:44:22,305 --> 00:44:26,309
HELLO, MICHAEL.
HEY, HEY
WE GOT THREE MINUTES TO DO THIS.
375
00:44:26,309 --> 00:44:32,248
I STILL GOT SEVEN STORES TO HIT
ON THIS BLOCK.
SO YOU HAVE BEEN PRETTY BUSY.
376
00:44:32,248 --> 00:44:37,153
I HAVE.
SEE I'M ONE OF 27 CHILDREN, SO I
GOT A LOT OF SHOPPING TO DO.
377
00:44:37,153 --> 00:44:42,859
AND I NEED TO DO IT FAST AND
CRAZY.
YOU EVER SEEN THE AISLES AND
378
00:44:42,859 --> 00:44:46,362
CROSS DRESS FOR LESS
YEAH.
MOST OF THE MERCHANDISE IS ON
379
00:44:46,362 --> 00:44:52,268
THE GROUND.
YEAH, THAT'S ME, MICHAEL.
EVERY SINGLE ROSS, THAT'S ALL
380
00:44:52,268 --> 00:44:56,372
ME.
SO YOU'RE SINGLE HANDEDLY
TRASHING ALL THE ROSSS
381
00:44:56,372 --> 00:45:01,778
YOU EVER TRIPPED OVER A PAIR
OF SHORTS STRUCK TO A WINNY THE
POOH TEAPOT?
382
00:45:01,778 --> 00:45:05,882
THAT WAS ME, MICHAEL.
WHY MESS EVERYTHING UP?
POWER, MICHAEL.
383
00:45:05,882 --> 00:45:12,155
I NEED TO LEAVE MY MARK.
AND SOMETIMES, TO FIND THAT ONE
PERFECT SHIRT, YOU HAVE TO
384
00:45:12,155 --> 00:45:16,426
UNFOLD 40 AND DUMP THEM ALL ON
THE FLOOR.
ALL RIGHT
385
00:45:16,426 --> 00:45:22,098
WELL, YOU'RE HERE TO GIVE US
SOME HOLIDAY SHOPPING TIPS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
386
00:45:22,098 --> 00:45:26,269
TIP NUMBER ONE
GET YOU ONE OF THESE
DID YOU KNOW ANYONE CAN BUY A
387
00:45:26,269 --> 00:45:29,539
NECK BRACE
YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO A
DOCTOR
388
00:45:29,539 --> 00:45:35,778
THESE THINGS MAKE PEOPLE STAY
OUT OF YOUR WAY.
THEY THINK YOU'RE WOUNDED, BUT
389
00:45:35,778 --> 00:45:41,484
ONLY YOU KNOW, YOUR NECK IS
STRONG AS HELL
NOW, MICHAEL, GUESS HOW MUCH ALL
390
00:45:41,484 --> 00:45:45,555
THESE SANTA PLATES WERE?
WHAT?
$3.
391
00:45:45,555 --> 00:45:49,525
GUESS HOW MUCH THIS SHIRT WAS.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE --
392
00:45:49,525 --> 00:45:55,498
$3.
YOU WANT TO SEE HOW I GOT IT
SO HOLD THIS, AND PRETEND YOU'RE
393
00:45:55,498 --> 00:46:01,804
A CUSTOMER LOOKING AT IT.
AIN'T THAT A LOVELY BLOUSE.
GIVE ME THAT DAMN SHIRT
394
00:46:01,804 --> 00:46:07,310
THAT WAS IN MY BASKET!
THAT WAS INTENSE.
I SEE HOW THAT WORKS FOR YOU
395
00:46:07,310 --> 00:46:15,585
BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER TIPS
TIP NUMBER TWO, IF YOUR BLOOD
ISSUING GAR DROPS, J.C. PENNY
396
00:46:15,585 --> 00:46:20,256
GOT NUGGETS.
WHAT?
J.C. PENNY GOT CHICKEN
397
00:46:20,256 --> 00:46:23,760
NUGGETS.
ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GET
YOURSELF STUCK TOEN THAT
398
00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:28,431
ESCALATOR, MAKE A FUSS, AND THE
MANAGER WILL FIND YOU SOME
NUGGETS, OKAY?
399
00:46:28,431 --> 00:46:32,835
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT
NO, MICHAEL
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING
400
00:46:32,835 --> 00:46:35,104
ABOUT?
I KNOW TOO MUCH.
I'VE SEEN TOO MUCH
401
00:46:35,104 --> 00:46:42,445
IT'S A WAR ZONE OUT THERE, AND I
JUST GOT DONE DOING THREE TOURS
IN NORDSTROM IRAQ.
402
00:46:42,445 --> 00:46:46,416
IT'S JUST A DEPARTMENT STORE.
IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
403
00:46:46,416 --> 00:46:51,120
I'M THE ONE OUT HERE ON THESE
FRONT LINES.
NOW, MY THIRD AND FINAL TIP --
404
00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:56,192
AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY
THIS, BUT IF YOU CAN, BE BLACK
BECAUSE IF YOU'RE WHITE ACTING
405
00:46:56,192 --> 00:47:00,630
LIKE THIS, SOMEONE WILL TAKE A
VIDEO, AND YOU WILL LOSE YOUR
JOB.
406
00:47:00,630 --> 00:47:06,235
OKAY
YOU SEE, MICHAEL, THERE'S NO
SUCH THING AS A BLACK KAREN.
407
00:47:06,235 --> 00:47:10,506
I COULD SLAP THE HELL OUT OF YOU
RIGHT NOW, AND NOBODY WOULD SAY
A WORD
408
00:47:10,506 --> 00:47:15,078
MY JOB IS SAFE.
WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO FOR WORK?
I SUE THE CITY.
409
00:47:15,078 --> 00:47:21,084
THE CITY HAS A LOT OF MONEY AND
A BUNCH OF UNEVEN SIDEWALKS,
BABY
410
00:47:21,084 --> 00:47:23,486
OKAY
MARY ANN LOUISE FISHER,
EVERYBODY.
411
00:47:23,486 --> 00:47:26,823
I GOT YOU SOM
IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
I'M GOOD.
412
00:47:26,823 --> 00:47:27,890
IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE.
I'M GOOD.
IT'S OKAY.
413
00:47:33,896 --> 00:47:41,738
FLIGHT TO NEWARK AFTER SHE
ACCUSED A FAMILY OF SMUGGLING
COCAINE THEN ASSAULTED MULTIPLE
414
00:47:41,738 --> 00:47:46,909
OFFICERS BY BITING THEM AND
KICKING THEM IN THE GROIN.
SHE'S BEEN SENTENCED TO LIFE IN
415
00:47:46,909 --> 00:47:57,954
THE NEW JERSEY HALL OF FAME.
A NEW ALBUM FROM R. KELLY WAS
REMOVED FROM A STREAMING ALBUM
416
00:47:57,954 --> 00:48:04,127
MINUTES AFTER IT WAS UPLOADED.
IT WAS NOT EASY TO REMOVE HIS
STREAMS, SAID THE MAID WHO
417
00:48:04,127 --> 00:48:09,832
CLEANED HIS HOUSE.
ON CHRISTMAS.
THE LOS ANGELES ZOO ANNOUNCED
418
00:48:09,832 --> 00:48:20,076
THAT EVYLYN HAS BEEN EUTHANIZED,
NOT BECAUSE SHE'S SICK BUT
BECAUSE IT'S LA AND SHE'S IN HER
419
00:48:20,076 --> 00:48:22,678
40s.
DAMN
THIS WILL GET YOU BACK
420
00:48:22,678 --> 00:48:29,519
A WOMAN IN TEXAS ALLEGEDLY
DUMPED THREE BUCKETS OF HUMAN
WASTE IN FRONT OF A POLICE
421
00:48:29,519 --> 00:48:38,594
DEPARTMENT AND DROVE AWAY.
IT'S A RARE CASE OF E RADIC
BEHAVIOR FROM A LADY WHO POOPS
422
00:48:38,594 --> 00:48:45,101
IN A BUCKET.
AS DIS-TURK AS THIS STORY IS,
IT'S NOT AS DISTURBING AS
423
00:48:45,101 --> 00:48:50,640
IMAGINING THE WOMAN'S DRIVE TO
THE POLICE STATION WITH FULL
BUCKETS OF FECES BECAUSE ONE
424
00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:58,481
SPEED BUMP TURNS HER STAR INTO A
STARBUCKS BATHROOM
FRANCE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL
425
00:48:58,481 --> 00:49:03,853
START PROVIDING FREE CONDOMS FOR
PEOPLE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18
AND 2 5(
426
00:49:03,853 --> 00:49:07,523
AND 2 5(
COOL
NOW DO DEODERANT.
427
00:49:17,166 --> 00:49:26,776
HOLIDAY MUST HAVE LISTS.
HERE IT'S AUTHORS CURT AND DIB
FROM WYOMING
428
00:49:26,776 --> 00:49:33,883
HEY, GUYS.
HOW DID THIS BOOK COME ABOUT
WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED CLOSE TO
429
00:49:33,883 --> 00:49:36,986
20 YEARS NOW
THINGS KIND OF FIZZLED OUT IN
BED.
430
00:49:36,986 --> 00:49:44,360
BUT WE DISCOVERED MY WIFE HAS A
TALENT FOR DOING VOICES OF
FAMOUS PEOPLE, SO WE TOOK THAT
431
00:49:44,360 --> 00:49:49,165
INTO THE BEDROOM.
SO SORT OF LIKE ROLE PLAYING?
YEAH, BUT WITH CELEBRITIES.
432
00:49:49,165 --> 00:50:00,276
FOR EXAMPLE, WE'LL SHOW YOU OUR
TECHNIQUE AT WORK.
BABY, YOU WANT TO SHOW THEM DREW
433
00:50:00,276 --> 00:50:04,547
BARRYMORE?
LIKE THIS.
OH, MY GOD, THAT FEELS
434
00:50:04,547 --> 00:50:07,316
AMAZING.
YOU LIKE THAT, DREW
YES, IT'S FANTASTIC.
435
00:50:07,316 --> 00:50:10,253
HOW MUCH?
SO MUCH
LOUDER.
436
00:50:10,253 --> 00:50:13,156
COME ON.
IT'S LITERALLY BLOWING MY
MIND.
437
00:50:13,156 --> 00:50:21,030
LOUDER.
COME ON!
IT'S ORGASMIC.
438
00:50:21,030 --> 00:50:26,002
I'M THE MASTER.
IS THAT NOT HOT AS HELL.
I CAN SEE
439
00:50:26,002 --> 00:50:30,840
WE'RE ALL GETTING REALLY TURNED
ON.
YEAH, YOU ARE, YOU HORN DOG
440
00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:40,550
SO DREW IS A GOOD GIRL, BUT SHE
DOES BAD GIRLS TOO LIKE THAT
RUSSIAN CON ARTIST LADY FROM
441
00:50:40,550 --> 00:50:50,226
"INVENTING ANNA" DO ANNA DELVEY
FOR ME.
OH, YOU'RE NOTHING, LITTLE
442
00:50:50,226 --> 00:50:54,263
BOY.
YES, MS. DELVEY.
YOU'RE SO WEAK AND POOR.
443
00:50:54,263 --> 00:50:58,701
YES, PLEASE RUIN MY CREDIT
SCORE.
RUIN MY CREDIT SCORE.
444
00:50:58,701 --> 00:51:07,310
MY ORGASM IS ON THE WAY.
YEAH, IT IS, MS. DELVEY
DAMN
445
00:51:07,310 --> 00:51:12,515
THAT'S GREAT.
I'M CURIOUS HOW MANY VOICES DOES
SHE DO
446
00:51:12,515 --> 00:51:16,719
MAN, I THINK I MADE LOVE TO
ABOUT A THOUSAND CELEBRITIES AT
THIS POINT
447
00:51:16,719 --> 00:51:22,325
I MEAN, LAST NIGHT I WAS WITH
MS. MERYL STREEP
OH, OKAY.
448
00:51:22,325 --> 00:51:30,533
I GOT TO USE A PROP.
YOU CAN USE A PROP.
OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
449
00:51:30,533 --> 00:51:35,605
DELICIOUS.
YEAH?
OH, IT'S UTTERLY DIVINE.
450
00:51:35,605 --> 00:51:38,941
YOU'RE SO TALENTED.
IT'S LIKE MUSIC.
YEAH?
451
00:51:38,941 --> 00:51:43,246
OH, YEAH.
I FINISHED
THERE IT IS
452
00:51:43,246 --> 00:51:51,020
WHOO
I GOT A QUESTION.
DOES SHE DO ANY BLACK ONES
453
00:51:51,020 --> 00:51:59,362
NO, SHE DOES NOT.
BUT SHE CAN DO -- WHAT'S HER
NAME
454
00:51:59,362 --> 00:52:03,933
SCARLETT JOHANSSON
DO YOU -- DO YOU KNOW HER?
YES, I DO.
455
00:52:03,933 --> 00:52:09,939
YOU KNOW HER?
YEAH.
HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE
456
00:52:09,939 --> 00:52:15,511
UNDER HER SKIN
I THINK IT'S UNDER THE SKIN.
OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S
457
00:52:15,511 --> 00:52:21,017
CALLED YOU HORN DOG.
LOOK AT YOU CORRECTING ME.
24 MINUTES, 11 SECONDS
458
00:52:21,017 --> 00:52:26,322
ALL RIGHT.
DO SCARLET
HEY, I'M MARRIED TO COLIN,
459
00:52:26,322 --> 00:52:32,628
BUT I NEED A REAL MAN.
YEAH, YOU DO.
WHY DON'T YOU GET OVER HERE
460
00:52:32,628 --> 00:52:38,134
BLACK WIDOW.
COME ON, BLACK WIDOW
THIS SPIDER BITES, COLIN.
461
00:52:38,134 --> 00:52:43,172
I THINK WE'RE GOOD ON THAT
ONE.
I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, IT
462
00:52:43,172 --> 00:52:48,778
DOES SEEM LIKE DEB KIND OF DOES
ALL THE WORK WHILE YOU REAP THE
BENEFITS.
463
00:52:48,778 --> 00:52:56,452
I'M NOT AS GOOD AT VOICES AS
DEB, BUT I CAN SAY LIKE ONE
THING AS A FEW CARTOON
464
00:52:56,452 --> 00:53:01,691
CHARACTERS, AND DEB GOT INTO IT.
DIDN'T YOU
UH-HUH.
465
00:53:01,691 --> 00:53:09,499
I LOVE LITTLE STEWY.
YOU WANT ME TO DO IT?
HELLO, BRIAN.
466
00:53:09,499 --> 00:53:20,877
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO
ME, STEWY?
NOW DO MR. BURNS.
467
00:53:20,877 --> 00:53:34,357
EXCELLENT.
DO SHAGGY FROM SCOOBYDOO.
DO YOU DESERVE IT
468
00:53:34,357 --> 00:53:39,996
DO YOU DESERVE IT
I DO.
469
00:53:50,406 --> 00:54:04,087
UP FOR THE KING OF 90s, MINKY
CARMICHAEL.
I'M FEELING GOOD.
470
00:54:04,087 --> 00:54:12,762
WELCOME TO HOW TO TREAT YOUR MAN
WITH ME, MINKY CARMICHAEL.
THE SHOW WILL GIVE ADVICE FOR
471
00:54:12,762 --> 00:54:24,774
ALL FINE FEMALES WHO ARE LOOK TO
GO LAND A MAN AND KEEP HIS ASS
I'M JOINED BY MY SIDE KING, JEN
472
00:54:24,774 --> 00:54:29,245
FONGER-BHANG.
I STARTED DRINKING EARLY.
YES, YOU DID.
473
00:54:29,245 --> 00:54:35,017
NOW, WOULD YOU LOOK AT ALL THE
BEAUTIFUL LADIES IN THE AUDIENCE
TONIGHT.
474
00:54:35,017 --> 00:54:37,620
WHO DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING
ABOUT HOW TO TREAT THEIR MAN
HIT IT
475
00:54:37,620 --> 00:54:53,002
*
NOW, THAT'S HOW IT IS.
THIS IS MY CHURCH, AND MINKY
476
00:54:53,002 --> 00:54:58,141
IS MY PRIEST.
THAT'S 100% TRUE.
NOW, WHO'S GOT A QUESTION FOR
477
00:54:58,141 --> 00:55:01,277
ME
ME.
RIGHT HERE.
478
00:55:01,277 --> 00:55:05,948
OKAY.
WHITE GIRL WITH A LITTLE HEAD.
OH, ME?
479
00:55:05,948 --> 00:55:10,386
OKAY
WELL, HI, MINKY.
SO AFTER A FIRST DATE, I DIDN'T
480
00:55:10,386 --> 00:55:14,757
SLEEP WITH THE GUY, RIGHT,
BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM
LOOSE, BUT NOW HE'S NOT CALLING
481
00:55:14,757 --> 00:55:22,098
ME BACK.
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
HMM, LET ME CONSULT WITH MY
482
00:55:22,098 --> 00:55:28,304
RELATIONSHIP CALCULATOR.
YOU WENT ON A DATE, YOU DIDN'T
PUT OUT, AND THAT EQUALS -- OF
483
00:55:28,304 --> 00:55:38,481
COURSE HE'S NOT CALLING BACK
HIT IT
*
484
00:55:38,481 --> 00:55:48,024
AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS.
AW, COME ON, MINKY.
HE SAID WHAT HE SAID.
485
00:55:48,024 --> 00:55:53,930
SHUT UP.
NEXT QUESTION
OH, MINKY, HI
486
00:55:53,930 --> 00:56:01,270
SO HERE'S WHAT'S UP.
I WAS ON A DATE AND WOUND PORNO
IN THIS GUY'S VCR.
487
00:56:01,270 --> 00:56:08,678
IS THAT A RED FLAG
WHAT SHOULD I DO
GIRL, THE ONLY VCR I CARE
488
00:56:08,678 --> 00:56:15,118
ABOUT IS A VERY COOL RACK.
SLAM IT!
*
489
00:56:15,118 --> 00:56:20,957
AND THAT'S -- WHAT?
JUST HOW IT IS.
WHO'S NEXT?
490
00:56:20,957 --> 00:56:27,163
HI, MINKY
HERE'S MY PROBLEM.
I WAS FLIRTING WITH THIS GUY,
491
00:56:27,163 --> 00:56:33,136
AND HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER, BUT I
NEVER CALLED HIM
DOES THAT MAKE ME A BAD NUMBER.
492
00:56:33,136 --> 00:56:39,208
UH, YEP
SLAM IT!
*
493
00:56:39,208 --> 00:56:42,445
I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER IN ANY
LIFE
NEXT
494
00:56:42,445 --> 00:56:45,114
YES
HI, EVERYONE
I'M JADA.
495
00:56:45,114 --> 00:56:51,888
OH, NO, NO.
AND I WENT ON A DATE WITH
MINKY CARMICHAEL.
496
00:56:51,888 --> 00:56:58,461
CAN WE CUT HER MIC?
AND I HAVE TO SAY, HE HAS H
THE WORST PENIS I'VE EVER SEEN
497
00:56:58,461 --> 00:57:06,335
I'M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN, BUT
IT LOOKED LIKE AN ESPRESSO CUP.
THAT'S NOT 100% TRUE.
498
00:57:06,335 --> 00:57:12,241
ANYONE ELSE HAVE A QUESTION?
YEAH, I HAVE A QUESTION
WHAT WAS SO HORRIBLE ABOUT HIS
499
00:57:12,241 --> 00:57:15,344
THING?
THE LENGTH WAS OKAY
FELT LIKE THERE WAS NOTHING
500
00:57:15,344 --> 00:57:19,148
INSIDE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
LIKE AT A CERTAIN POINT, HE
501
00:57:19,148 --> 00:57:25,121
ASKED ME, DO YOU WANT ME TO
CLOSE IT.
HOLD UP
502
00:57:25,121 --> 00:57:29,258
WHAT WAS THERE TO CLOSE?
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I WOULD DESCRIBE IT AS OPEN,
503
00:57:29,258 --> 00:57:37,166
LIKE HOLLOW.
MINKY, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
PACKING THE WORM FROM DOOM.
504
00:57:37,166 --> 00:57:43,473
YOU KNOW WHAT
LET ME CONSULT MY BULL CRAP
DETECTING COMPUTER.
505
00:57:43,473 --> 00:57:53,816
LOOKS LIKE I'M GETTING A
FAX -- BEEP, BEEP, BOOP, BOOP,
OH, MY GOD, IT'S FROM THE PENIS
506
00:57:53,816 --> 00:58:00,957
HOSPITAL
THEY SAY YOU NEED AN EMERGENCY
APPOINTMENT.
507
00:58:00,957 --> 00:58:04,861
SLAM IT ZBL
NO.
I'M THE ONE WHO SLAMS IT
508
00:58:04,861 --> 00:58:10,266
YOU DON'T SLAM IT.
I HEAR FROM THE PRODUCERS
THAT WE ARE OUT OF TIME AND
509
00:58:10,266 --> 00:58:14,070
CANCELED, WHICH MEANS I GOT TO
GO BACK AND FINISH HIGH SCHOOL
BYE, Y'ALL
510
00:58:14,070 --> 00:58:18,074
GO BACK AND FINISH HIGH SCHOOL
BYE, Y'ALL
*
511
00:58:30,920 --> 00:58:43,299
[ APPLAUSE ]
*
* THEY BUILD WOODEN HOUSE
512
00:58:43,299 --> 00:58:48,104
ON FROZEN POND
IN THE SUMMERTIM
WHEN THE WATER'S GONE *
513
00:58:48,104 --> 00:58:51,340
* DIAGONAL LINE
IN THEIR ROLLED-OUT LAWN
AND THE SAGE
514
00:58:51,340 --> 00:58:56,179
ALWAYS SMELLS SO PRETTY *
* BUT NOBODY CARE
WHERE THE BIRDS HAVE GON
515
00:58:56,179 --> 00:59:01,050
WHEN THE RAIN COMES DOWN
ON BABYLON *
* THE STONEMASON'S PHON
516
00:59:01,050 --> 00:59:04,787
RINGS ALL DAY LONG
AND YOU GOTTA GET BACK
TO THE CITY *
517
00:59:04,787 --> 00:59:10,159
* I BUILD MY HOUS
UP ON THIS ROCK BABY
EVERY DAY WITH YOU *
518
00:59:10,159 --> 00:59:14,430
* THERE'S NOTHIN'
IN THAT TOWN I NEE
AFTER EVERYTHING
519
00:59:14,430 --> 00:59:21,971
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH *
* ME OUT IN MY GARDEN
AND YOU OUT ON YOUR WALK
520
00:59:21,971 --> 00:59:27,877
IS ALL THE DISTANC
THIS POOR GIRL CAN TAKE *
* WITHOUT LISTENIN'
521
00:59:27,877 --> 00:59:32,281
TO YOU TALK I DON'T NEED
THEIR MONEY BABY *
* JUST YOU AND ME
522
00:59:32,281 --> 00:59:41,424
ON THE ROC
I DON'T NEED
THEIR MONEY BABY *
523
00:59:41,424 --> 00:59:47,363
*
* I BUILT PAPER PLANE
WHEN I LEARNED TO FL
524
00:59:47,363 --> 00:59:51,634
LIKE A 747
FALLIN' OUT OF THE SKY *
* I FOLDED 'EM CROOKED
525
00:59:51,634 --> 00:59:55,905
AND NOW I'M WONDERIN' WH
I COULD ALWAYS
END UP IN THE WATER *
526
00:59:55,905 --> 00:59:59,675
* BUT NOBODY'S ASKIN'
WHY SHE LOOKIN' SO THI
WHY SHE'S LAUGHIN' TOO HAR
527
00:59:59,675 --> 01:00:04,480
WHY SHE DRINKIN' AGAIN *
* A FALLING STA
SHE'S A PAPER PLAN
528
01:00:04,480 --> 01:00:08,818
AND SHE WAS GOIN' DOWN
WHEN YOU CAUGHT HER *
* I BUILD MY HOUS
529
01:00:08,818 --> 01:00:15,792
UP ON THIS ROCK BABY
EVERY DAY WITH YOU *
* THERE'S NOTHIN'
530
01:00:15,792 --> 01:00:21,164
IN THAT TOWN I NEE
AFTER EVERYTHING
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH *
531
01:00:21,164 --> 01:00:26,002
* ME OUT IN MY GARDEN
AND YOU OUT ON YOUR WALK
IS ALL THE DISTANC
532
01:00:26,002 --> 01:00:30,339
THIS POOR GIRL CAN TAKE *
* WITHOUT LISTENIN'
TO YOU TALK *
533
01:00:30,339 --> 01:00:34,110
* I DON'T NEE
THEIR MONEY BABY
JUST YOU AND M
534
01:00:34,110 --> 01:00:43,252
ON THE ROCK *
*
* IT'S AN EARTHQUAK
535
01:00:43,252 --> 01:00:54,530
IT'S A HARD WIND
IT'S A RECORD-BREAKIN' TID
AND IT IS ROLLIN' IN *
536
01:00:54,530 --> 01:01:01,537
* OH IT'S A BIG SEA
BUT IT CAN'T TOUCH YOU AND M
IT'S JUST A WATER VIEW
537
01:01:01,537 --> 01:01:12,281
AND WHAT A VIEW *
* I DON'T NEE
THEIR MONEY BABY
538
01:01:12,281 --> 01:01:30,533
OH *
* I BUILD MY HOUS
UP ON THIS ROCK BABY
539
01:01:30,533 --> 01:01:35,938
EVERY DAY WITH YOU *
* THERE'S NOTHIN'
IN THAT TOWN I NEE
540
01:01:35,938 --> 01:01:41,878
AFTER EVERYTHING
WE'VE BEEN THROUGH *
* ME OUT IN MY GARDEN
541
01:01:41,878 --> 01:01:47,250
AND YOU OUT ON YOUR WALK
IS ALL THE DISTANC
THIS OLD GIRL CAN TAKE *
542
01:01:47,250 --> 01:01:52,155
* WITHOUT LISTENIN'
TO YOU TAL
I DON'T NEED
543
01:01:52,155 --> 01:01:59,162
THEIR MONEY BABY *
* JUST YOU AND ME
ON THE ROC
544
01:01:59,162 --> 01:02:06,602
I DON'T NEED
THEIR MONEY BABY *
* I DON'T NEE
545
01:02:06,602 --> 01:02:11,974
THEIR MONEY BABY
IT'S YOU AND M
ON THE ROCK *
546
01:02:11,974 --> 01:02:20,116
* IT'S YOU AND ME
ON THE ROC
YOU AND ME ON THE ROCK *
547
01:02:20,116 --> 01:02:26,289
ON THE ROC
YOU AND ME ON THE ROCK *
[ APPLAUSE ]
548
01:02:32,829 --> 01:02:38,768
WE BOUGHT IT WHEN ANNY WAS IN
GRAMMAR SCHOOL
SHE EVEN GOT MARRIED HERE.
549
01:02:38,768 --> 01:02:44,707
SO MANY MEMORIES
[ APPLAUSE ]
HEY, DADDY.
550
01:02:44,707 --> 01:02:51,280
IS THAT MY BEAUTIFUL
DAUGHTER
GUESS WHAT, I'M ENGAGED,
551
01:02:51,280 --> 01:02:59,822
AGAIN.
FATHER OF THE BRIDE, PART
EIGHT.
552
01:02:59,822 --> 01:03:07,830
THAT'S RIGHT, THREE DECADES AND
SEVEN DIVORCES LATER, ANNY IS
BACK AND READY TO GIVE MARRIAGE
553
01:03:07,830 --> 01:03:13,436
AN EIGHTH SHOT.
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN
AFFORD AN EIGHTH WEDDING
554
01:03:13,436 --> 01:03:20,276
I'M FINANCIALLY DRAINED.
I'M YOUR LITTLE GIRL.
YOU'RE 52
555
01:03:20,276 --> 01:03:26,649
YOUR MOTHER STARTED DRIVING FOR
LYFT TO PAY FOR YOUR LAST
WEDDING.
556
01:03:26,649 --> 01:03:35,958
DID SOMEONE SAY MOM
DIANE KEATON IS BACK.
SHE'S AN ICON IN BEIGE, AND
557
01:03:35,958 --> 01:03:40,430
WE'RE HERE FOR IT.
SO WHO THE SHE WILL PLANNING
THIS THING
558
01:03:40,430 --> 01:03:47,770
OH, MY -- DON'T TELL ME IT'S --
HELLO
LOOK AT YOU.
559
01:03:47,770 --> 01:03:50,907
NO.
NOT AGAIN.
HE WILL LE, GEORGE.
560
01:03:50,907 --> 01:03:55,678
I CAN'T DO THIS, HOWARD.
HI, GEORGE.
YOU STILL HAVE AN OUTSTANDING
561
01:03:55,678 --> 01:04:06,989
BALANCE FROM THE FIFTH WEDDING
YOU OWE ME FOR THE SHRIMP TOWER
AND THE PERFORMANCE FROM NICKI
562
01:04:06,989 --> 01:04:15,565
MINAJ.
CAN WE GET NICKI MINAJ AGAIN?
.
563
01:04:15,565 --> 01:04:18,000
[ INAUDIBLE
WHAT?
THAT'S RIGHT, MARTIN SHORT IS
564
01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:28,544
BACK AS THE BELOVED WEDDING
PLANNER FRANCK, DOING AN ACCENT
WE ALL THINK IS OKAY
565
01:04:28,544 --> 01:04:35,785
YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE USED
GOODS.
THESE ARE NOT -- I'VE SEEN
566
01:04:35,785 --> 01:04:39,756
BIGGER LUMPS IN OATMEAL.
SO PUT THEM TOGETHER AND MAKE
ONE BIG ONE OR DO SOMETHING.
567
01:04:39,756 --> 01:04:45,495
GET THE FAKE ONE -- WHATEVER YOU
DO, IT LOOK LOVELY
I THINK YOU NEED A LITTLE
568
01:04:45,495 --> 01:04:51,234
PLIMPING, TUCKING, TUGGING, AND
MAYBE DOWN THERE, A LITTLE
PROCEDURE.
569
01:04:51,234 --> 01:04:57,440
ARE YOU SUGGESTING I PAY FOR
MY DAUGHTER'S VAGINAL
REJUVENATION
570
01:04:57,440 --> 01:05:08,985
EWW
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT MY
571
01:05:08,985 --> 01:05:15,358
SISTER'S PRIVATES RIGHT NOW?
I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BLOW CHUNKS.
DID YOU FORGET HE WAS IN THIS
572
01:05:15,358 --> 01:05:22,432
MOVIE?
SO DID WE AND SO DID HE, AND NOW
HE'S ON SUCCESSION, AND GOOD FOR
573
01:05:22,432 --> 01:05:26,269
HIM.
IT WOULDN'T BE A WEDDING WITHOUT
THE WHOLE FAMILY THERE.
574
01:05:26,269 --> 01:05:32,475
MY SISTER IN A WEDDING DRESS?
GROSS TO THE MAX
BY THE WAY, NO CAKE FOR ME
575
01:05:32,475 --> 01:05:41,284
I HAVE A COLONOSCOPY TOMORROW.
SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU REALLY ARE BEAUTIFUL.
576
01:05:41,284 --> 01:05:50,026
MY LITTLE MENOPAUSAL GIRL.
TIME FOR THE BIG SURPRISE,
YOUR WEDDING PERFORMER
577
01:05:50,026 --> 01:05:57,633
WHAT'S UP
I'M THE WEDDING SINGER.
MY GOD, SELENA GOMEZ.
578
01:05:57,633 --> 01:06:01,337
YOU'RE EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL IN
REAL LIFE.
I KNOW.
579
01:06:01,337 --> 01:06:04,140
THANKS IF.
HOW MUCH IS SHE GOING TO COST
ME
580
01:06:04,140 --> 01:06:14,751
1.8 MILLION EASY.
COME ON, GEORGE
SING IT TO EVERYBODY
581
01:06:14,751 --> 01:06:17,653
LET'S SING
* EVERYBODY HAS A POOPER, THAT'
WHY WE INVITED YOU, A PARTY
582
01:06:17,653 --> 01:06:19,989
WHY WE INVITED YOU, A PARTY
POOPER *
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
583
01:06:24,761 --> 01:06:31,634
HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
THANKS TO BRANDI CARLISLE,
SELENA GOMEZ, AND THIS BRILLIANT
584
01:06:31,634 --> 01:06:36,139
CAST
WE LOVE YOU.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.
60104
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