1 00:00:03,379 --> 00:00:16,692 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S ALMOST 2 00:00:16,692 --> 00:00:20,863 CHRISTMAS. IS IT ALREADY YEAH. 3 00:00:20,863 --> 00:00:28,304 THAT'S RIGHT MA MARIAH CAREY SAW HER SHADOW. 4 00:00:28,304 --> 00:00:34,377 I'M STILL SIGNING MY CHECKS 2019. I'M CONCERNED YOU'RE STILL 5 00:00:34,377 --> 00:00:39,582 WRITING CHECKS. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. THE WHOLE WORLD IS SO 6 00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:45,788 OVERWHELMING SOMETIMES WORLD, DOCUMENTARIES, PRINCE HARRY AND MEGHAN DOCUMENTARIES. 7 00:00:45,788 --> 00:00:52,729 I ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE DOING MORE FOR MYSELF AND SOCIETY, BUT THEN I REMEMBER -- 8 00:00:52,729 --> 00:01:01,738 * IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND ALL OF MY STRESS FADES AWAY * * ALL THE ISSUES AND CRYING AND 9 00:01:01,738 --> 00:01:11,948 TISSUES CAN WAIT UNTIL JANUARY * YOU JUST GIVE YOUR CONCERNS A DELAY? 10 00:01:11,948 --> 00:01:18,654 * TILL CHRISTMAS YOU JUST BLOCK YOUR FEELINGS OUT SO THEY CAN'T HURT YOU 11 00:01:18,654 --> 00:01:20,823 EXACTLY. OH. LIKE -- 12 00:01:20,823 --> 00:01:27,897 * MY DRINKING, IT'S STARTING TO GET OUT OF HAND * * I KNOW IT MAY HAVE CROSSED 13 00:01:27,897 --> 00:01:35,138 INTO A DARK PLACE WHEN BURGER KING SAID I WAS BANNED * * MAYBE I'LL JUST MAKE THAT MY 14 00:01:35,138 --> 00:01:39,876 BRAND, TILL CHRISTMAS * YOU'RE GETTING IT WHAT ABOUT YOU 15 00:01:39,876 --> 00:01:47,216 I DON'T KNOW. LET ME TRY * MY MENTAL HEALTH HASN'T BEEN 16 00:01:47,216 --> 00:01:57,393 GREAT * * I WAKE UP AT NOON, THE SUN SOMEHOW SETTING, AND I FALL BACK 17 00:01:57,393 --> 00:02:06,803 ASLEEP AROUND 8:00 * * BUT I CAN LIVE IN A DELUSIONA STATE FOR CHRISTMAS * 18 00:02:06,803 --> 00:02:14,410 WE HEARD YOU GUYS SING ABOUT YOUR ANXIETY IN AN UNHEALTHY WAY. 19 00:02:14,410 --> 00:02:24,153 WE CAN COMPLAIN ABOUT SPECIFIC PEOPLE TOO LIKE -- * ELON, WHY DOES HE OWN ALL THE 20 00:02:24,153 --> 00:02:30,727 STUFF * * WHY DOES HE HAVE TO RUN TESLA AND TWITTER, WAS OUTER SPACE NOT 21 00:02:30,727 --> 00:02:34,497 ENOUGH * * AND HITLER, SINCE WHEN DID HITLER COME BACK * 22 00:02:34,497 --> 00:02:41,337 * DID WE BASICALLY ALL AGREE YEARS AGO HITLER SHOULD NEVER COME BACK * 23 00:02:41,337 --> 00:02:52,348 * AND WHY ARE HIS NEW FANS BLACK * * CHRISTMAS, LET'S BLOCK IT ALL 24 00:02:52,348 --> 00:02:59,856 OUT FOR CHRISTMAS * * IT'S OVER OCTOBER AND NOVEMBER * 25 00:02:59,856 --> 00:03:05,995 * FAMILY VISITS, YOU JUST WANT TO HIDE * * THAT'S WHY I DRINK EGGNOG WIT 26 00:03:05,995 --> 00:03:13,669 THE XANEX INSIDE * * FORGET YOUR UNCLE IF YOU WAIT TOO LONG * 27 00:03:13,669 --> 00:03:21,244 * YOUR GRANDMA WON'T WHISPER YOU'RE LIVING IN SIN * * SO JUST TIKTOK ON THE TOILET 28 00:03:21,244 --> 00:03:28,684 TILL YOUR ASS GIVES IN * * IT'S EASIER TO BUY A GUN THAN TICKETS TO TAYLOR SWIFT * 29 00:03:28,684 --> 00:03:36,926 * STOP STRESSING ABOUT EVERY DECISION * * JUST FOCUS ON WHO'S GOING TO 30 00:03:36,926 --> 00:03:48,004 DIE IN WHITE LOTUS * * CUZ IT'S CHRISTMAS DID SOMEBODY ORDER GRUB HUB 31 00:03:48,004 --> 00:03:54,143 MY DINNER IS HERE I GOT ITALIAN. THAT'S ONE ORDER OF GARLIC 32 00:03:54,143 --> 00:03:58,281 BREAD AND 12 BOTTLES OF WINE. THAT'S RIGHT. YOU CAN LEAVE THE WINE OVER 33 00:03:58,281 --> 00:04:02,885 THERE. DID YOU WANT TO GARLIC BREAD? I THINK YOU KNOW I DON'T. 34 00:04:02,885 --> 00:04:07,890 I FEEL LIKE ALL OUR HOLIDAY WORRIES HAVE GONE AWAY. ME TOO. 35 00:04:07,890 --> 00:04:16,099 EXCEPT FOR A COUPLE OF THINGS * SCHOOLS ARE FAILING, KIDS DON'T KNOW JACK * 36 00:04:16,099 --> 00:04:23,106 * COVID NEVER LEFT AND ALSO IT' BACK * * R. KELLY DROPPED AN ALBUM 37 00:04:23,106 --> 00:04:30,480 CALLED I ADMIT IT * * I REALLY WANT TO SHOUT, BUT I'M BLOCKING EVERYTHING OUT FOR 38 00:04:30,480 --> 00:04:36,786 CHRISTMAS * * FOR CHRISTMAS OKAY. 39 00:04:36,786 --> 00:04:45,561 [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] SO YOU BURY ALL YOUR FEELINGS FOR CHRISTMAS, OKAY, BUT WHAT 40 00:04:45,561 --> 00:04:54,537 HAPPENS IN JANUARY WELL, THEN, WE EXPLODE. * WE FREAK OUT AND THREATEN OUR 41 00:04:54,537 --> 00:05:01,344 EX * * WE DRINK TO THE POINT WHERE W CONTEMPLATE MURDER AND ACCEPT 42 00:05:01,344 --> 00:05:06,315 VENMO PAYMENTS FOR SEX * * BUT THAT'S JUST WHAT HAPPENS NEXT BECAUSE FOR NOW IT'S 43 00:05:06,315 --> 00:05:17,493 CHRISTMAS * HO, HO, AND LIVE FROM NEW YORK -- WAIT 44 00:05:17,493 --> 00:05:24,667 DID YOU SAY VENMO PAYMENTS FOR SEX? IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT 45 00:05:24,667 --> 00:05:26,102 SEX? IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT 46 00:07:24,654 --> 00:07:30,993 MUSICAL GUEST, BRANDI CARLILE. AND YOUR HOSTS, STEVE MARTIN AND MARTIN SHORT 47 00:07:45,108 --> 00:08:05,561 [ APPLAUSE ] THANK YOU! THANK YOU. 48 00:08:05,561 --> 00:08:09,499 THANK YOU, THANK YOU SO MUCH GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE I'M -- 49 00:08:09,499 --> 00:08:16,539 AND I'M STEVE MARTIN. AND WE'RE SO EXCITED -- AND WHAT A THRILL IT IS FOR 50 00:08:16,539 --> 00:08:19,609 US TO BE HOEGS "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." STEVE, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE 51 00:08:19,609 --> 00:08:22,412 YOU HOSTED OH, GOSH, I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT 52 00:08:22,412 --> 00:08:24,247 OH, GOSH, I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT HIT IT 53 00:08:40,863 --> 00:08:49,739 AND HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU HOSTED, MARTY? HIT IT. 54 00:08:49,739 --> 00:08:56,679 [ APPLAUSE ] I'M KIND OF AN A NOSTALGIA MODE 55 00:08:56,679 --> 00:09:04,454 I WANT TO SHOW YOU A PHOTO FROM ONE OF MY EARLY HOSTING YEARS. THAT'S ME WITH JOHN, DAN AND 56 00:09:04,454 --> 00:09:10,893 MICK JAGGER. AND RIGHT AFTER THIS PHOTO WAS TA 57 00:09:10,893 --> 00:09:16,132 TAKEN, WE TESTED POSITIVE FOR EVERYTHING. STEVE, WE ARE LIKE HARRY AND 58 00:09:16,132 --> 00:09:20,770 MEGHAN NO ONE IS ROOTING FOR US, BUT YOU'LL TUNE IN TO WATCH ANYWAY 59 00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:25,408 WHAT'S BEEN SO FABULOUS THIS WEEK IS GETTING TO KNOW THE NEW CAST 60 00:09:25,408 --> 00:09:32,482 STEVE, HONESTLY, THEY LOVE YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK, THE NEW CAST REFER TO YOU AS A WHOLE 61 00:09:32,482 --> 00:09:34,484 ENTERTAINER. THAT'S SWEET. WELL, I ADDED THE WORD 62 00:09:34,484 --> 00:09:42,225 ENTERTAINER. AND I HAVE TO SAY THAT FOR ME, WORKING WITH MARTY SHORT IS 63 00:09:42,225 --> 00:09:45,161 LIKE WORD CUP SOCCER. AW. SOMEHOW, I JUST CAN'T GET 64 00:09:45,161 --> 00:09:59,108 INTO IT. WE ARE CURRENTLY WORKING ON THE THIRD SEASON OF OUR HULU 65 00:09:59,108 --> 00:10:05,915 SERIES "O"ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING". OUR SHOW IS LIKE STEVE AT THE 66 00:10:05,915 --> 00:10:11,020 URINAL, IT STREAMS FOR 32 MINUTES. NOW, YOU KNOW, THIS IS KIND 67 00:10:11,020 --> 00:10:16,592 OF INTERESTING EVERY NIGHT BEFORE THE SHOW, MARTY AND I HAVE A RITUAL WE DO 68 00:10:16,592 --> 00:10:20,963 TO PREPARE FOR THE EVENING'S PERFORMANCE. WE WERE DOING IT BACKSTAGE, AND 69 00:10:20,963 --> 00:10:27,336 I NOTICED ONE OF THE BACK STAGE CREW WAS VIDEO TAPING US, AND I THOUGHT, THAT WOULD BE 70 00:10:27,336 --> 00:10:31,641 INTERESTING TO SHOW THE AUDIENCE SO HERE IS MARTY AND I GETTING 71 00:10:31,641 --> 00:10:39,749 READY FOR TONIGHT'S SHOW. AND CAN I SAY, STEVE -- LET THEM LAUGH. 72 00:10:39,749 --> 00:10:45,855 CAN I SAY TRUTHFULLY I ADORE WORKING WITH YOU AND I HOPE WE CAN DO THIS 73 00:10:45,855 --> 00:10:49,959 FOREVER. OF COURSE I THOUGHT ABOUT THAT, BUT I REALIZED YOU'RE NOT 74 00:10:49,959 --> 00:10:55,064 GOING TO LIVE FOREVER, AND THAT IS SAD BECAUSE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO HEAR THE WONDERFUL THINGS I'M 75 00:10:55,064 --> 00:11:01,804 GOING TO SAY AT YOUR MEMORIAL. SO I THOUGHT, WHY WAIT SO WHAT I DID WAS I WROTE UP 76 00:11:01,804 --> 00:11:09,145 YOUR EULOGY SO YOU CAN HEAR IT NOW. THAT IS SUCH A COINCIDENCE 77 00:11:09,145 --> 00:11:13,516 BECAUSE I DID THE SAME THING I WROTE YOUR EULOGY. REALLY? 78 00:11:13,516 --> 00:11:17,754 LET'S READ THEM TOGETHER WHY NOT. THIS IS A SAD MOMENT. 79 00:11:17,754 --> 00:11:21,190 CAN YOU PLAY SOMETHING SAD FOR US, PLEASE NOT SAD ENOUGH. 80 00:11:21,190 --> 00:11:28,264 ANYTHING SADDER? * NO, NO, NO. 81 00:11:28,264 --> 00:11:37,907 DO YOU HAVE SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY SAD * 82 00:11:37,907 --> 00:11:47,150 [ LAUGHTER ] SO, MARTY, I DEDICATE THIS EULOGY TO YOU. 83 00:11:47,150 --> 00:12:02,432 WOW, NOT MUCH OF A TURNOUT MARTY DID NOT WANT TO BE DE CREMATED 84 00:12:02,432 --> 00:12:07,203 TOO LATE BUT I'LL ALWAYS BE HAUNTED BY MARTY'S LAST WORDS 85 00:12:07,203 --> 00:12:16,179 TESLA AUTO PILOT, ENGAGE THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT THINGS THAT I COULD SAY ABOUT 86 00:12:16,179 --> 00:12:26,422 STEVE MARTIN, BUT THIS HARDLY SEEMS THE TIME NOR THE PLACE OH, STEVE, YOU BLAND OVERRATED 87 00:12:26,422 --> 00:12:35,465 WHITE HAIRED SON OF A BITCH. WHERE DID YOU GO I KNOW STEVE IS LOOKING DOWN ON 88 00:12:35,465 --> 00:12:40,203 US RIGHT NOW BECAUSE HE ALWAYS LOOKED DOWN ON EVERYBODY AND YES, I LEARNED SO MUCH FROM 89 00:12:40,203 --> 00:12:44,140 STEVE. FOR EXAMPLE, HE TAUGHT ME YOU DON'T NEED TO RESTRICT A URINAL 90 00:12:44,140 --> 00:12:54,784 TO JUST NUMBER ONE EVEN AT THE END, MARTY HAD A WONDERFUL GIRLFRIEND 91 00:12:54,784 --> 00:13:04,927 SMART, BEAUTIFUL, AND SO REALISTIC. BUT MARTY WAS ALWAYS SEXUALLY 92 00:13:04,927 --> 00:13:10,233 ACTIVE AS LONG AS THERE WERE BATTERIES IN THE HOUSE BUT MARTY WAS TAKEN AWAY FROM US 93 00:13:10,233 --> 00:13:20,643 TOO SOON BUT SADLY, NOT BEFORE HE PLAYED JACK FROST IN "SANTA CLAUS 3". 94 00:13:20,643 --> 00:13:29,719 OH, STEVE, IT'S SO HARD TO LOOK AT YOU IN THAT OPEN CASKET, MOTIONLESS, COLORLESS, STIFF, SO 95 00:13:29,719 --> 00:13:36,492 LIFE LIKE. AND YET, SEEING YOU IN YOUR CASKET REMINDS ME OF THAT 96 00:13:36,492 --> 00:13:45,234 CLASSIC SNL SKETCH, DICK IN A BOX. [ APPLAUSE ] 97 00:13:45,234 --> 00:13:49,806 THANK YOU. THE GOOD NEWS IS WITH STEVE GONE, DOWNLOADS SHOULD BE SO 98 00:13:49,806 --> 00:13:58,314 MUCH FASTER ON PORN HUB. PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME WHAT STEVE WAS REALLY LIKE, AND I WOULD 99 00:13:58,314 --> 00:14:02,151 SAY, I DON'T KNOW, YOU'RE HIS WIFE AND HE'S SUCH A GREAT DAD, AND 100 00:14:02,151 --> 00:14:07,724 YOU CAN TELL THAT FROM HIS CHILDREN THEY'RE SO POLITE. 101 00:14:07,724 --> 00:14:11,894 YOU GO TO HIS HOUSE AND THEY SAY, WOULD YOU LIKE ANYTHING, MR. SHORT? 102 00:14:11,894 --> 00:14:16,766 CAN I GET YOU A DRINK, MR. SHORT? CAN YOU GIVE THIS NOTE TO THE 103 00:14:16,766 --> 00:14:27,276 POLICE, MR. SHORT? NOW THAT MARTY IS GOB,NE, WH WILL I EVER WORK WITH? 104 00:14:27,276 --> 00:14:34,884 WILL I EVER WORK WITH? HOW ABOUT ME? WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW 105 00:14:59,876 --> 00:15:10,319 CHEMISTRY, HOW LOVELY ARE THY IONS * I LOVE THAT SONG SO MUCH. 106 00:15:10,319 --> 00:15:16,692 HEY, KIDS, I'M DR. SCIENCE. AND I'M MR. SCIENCE. AND WHAT BETTER TIME THAN THE 107 00:15:16,692 --> 00:15:23,099 HOLIDAYS TO LEARN ABOUT THE SCIENCE OF SNOW. JOINING US TODAY ARE LONI AND 108 00:15:23,099 --> 00:15:27,537 JOSH HAPPY HOLIDAYS, GUYS LONI, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE 109 00:15:27,537 --> 00:15:31,574 HOLIDAY TRADITION? CHRISTMAS. OKAY. 110 00:15:31,574 --> 00:15:36,112 WELL -- JOSH, WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS? TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO 111 00:15:36,112 --> 00:15:45,755 MY BROTHER OKAY. WELL, I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT 112 00:15:45,755 --> 00:15:52,495 I THOUGHT YOU WOULD SAY YOU WANT A SKATEBOARD OR SOMETHING, BUT I'M SURE YOUR BROTHER WILL BE 113 00:15:52,495 --> 00:15:57,734 FINE LET'S TALK ABOUT SNOW. WHAT DO WE KNOW ABOUT SNOW? 114 00:15:57,734 --> 00:16:05,074 FOR ONE, SNOW FORMS IN THE BIG THINGS IN THE SKY CALLED -- LONI 115 00:16:05,074 --> 00:16:06,476 STARS. NO. JOSH 116 00:16:06,476 --> 00:16:15,485 STARTS WITH A C. SI, SENOR. STARTS WITH A C, THE LETTER 117 00:16:15,485 --> 00:16:19,288 C. THE C WORD IS BAD. NOT THE C WORD. 118 00:16:19,288 --> 00:16:24,660 IT'S BIG, IT'S WHITE IT'S PUFFY. MY DAD? CLOUDS. 119 00:16:24,660 --> 00:16:32,368 SNOW FORMS INSIDE CLOUDS. LET'S THINK BEFORE WE ANSWER. NOW SNOW FORMS WHEN IT GETS SO 120 00:16:32,368 --> 00:16:37,673 COLD THAT THE WATER VAPOR INSIDE A CLOUD DOES WHAT, LONI? SNOWS. 121 00:16:37,673 --> 00:16:44,113 IT'S HOW WATER TURNS INTO AN ICE. IT STARTS WITH AN F. 122 00:16:44,113 --> 00:16:55,591 JOSH PHFOE SYNTHESIS. STARTS WITH AN F -- FREE -- 123 00:16:55,591 --> 00:17:00,563 BRITNEY GUYS, FREEZE. THE WORD WAS FREEZE. 124 00:17:00,563 --> 00:17:05,868 JUST LIKE THERE ARE RAINSTORMS, ALREADY ALSO SNOWSTORMS. 125 00:17:05,868 --> 00:17:09,939 TRUE. I WASN'T ASKING, BUT YES, THAT IS TRUE. 126 00:17:09,939 --> 00:17:15,578 YEAH. YOU DON'T HIGH FIVE EACH OTHER BASED -- DON'T FIST BUMP 127 00:17:15,578 --> 00:17:19,916 EITHER STOP IT RIGHT NOW. FOR OUR EXPERIMENT TODAY, 128 00:17:19,916 --> 00:17:29,092 WE'RE GOING TO MAKE OUR OWN SNOWSTORM. IT WILL OBVIOUSLY NOT BE AS BIG 129 00:17:29,092 --> 00:17:30,426 AS A REAL ONE. BUT EVEN IF SOMETHING'S SMALL, IT CAN STILL -- 130 00:17:30,426 --> 00:17:39,469 FEEL GOOD FOR THE GIRL? I DON'T FOLLOW THIS. BECAUSE MY SISTER TOLD ME 131 00:17:39,469 --> 00:17:47,677 THAT EVEN IF THE GUY HAS A SMALL THING, IT CAN STILL FEEL GOOD IF THE GUY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING. 132 00:17:47,677 --> 00:17:52,815 NO. IT'S TEACH A BIG LESSON. YOU WERE VERY, VERY WRONG. 133 00:17:52,815 --> 00:17:59,255 YOUR SISTER, HOWEVER, IS VERY, VERY RIGHT NOW, TO DO THIS AT HOME, WE'LL 134 00:17:59,255 --> 00:18:06,195 NEED SOME WATER IN A GLASS, BABY OIL -- DON'T TOUCH THAT, PLEASE, GUYS. 135 00:18:06,195 --> 00:18:10,133 STOP IT. AND PAINT -- STOP TOUCHING IT, PLEASE. 136 00:18:10,133 --> 00:18:14,437 MAKE SURE TO HAVE A GROWN UP HELP YOU FIRST SAFETY FIRST. 137 00:18:14,437 --> 00:18:19,108 I HAVE A FUN SAFETY JOKE, JOSH KNOCK, KNOCK. 138 00:18:19,108 --> 00:18:21,310 COME IN. NO. JOSH 139 00:18:21,310 --> 00:18:25,882 YOU SAY, KNOCK, KNOCK, WHO'S THERE. KNOCK, KNOCK. 140 00:18:25,882 --> 00:18:29,318 WHO'S THERE SAFETY. HI. 141 00:18:29,318 --> 00:18:32,822 I'M JOSH. DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW THIS WORKS? 142 00:18:32,822 --> 00:18:39,762 YOU SAY SAFETY WHO KNOCK, KNOCK. SAFETY WHO. 143 00:18:39,762 --> 00:18:45,568 OH, GAH ARE YOU OKAY, MR. SCIENCE I'M UPSET. 144 00:18:45,568 --> 00:18:50,239 COME BACK, LITTLE BUDDY COME BACK. BREATHE IN, BREATHE OUT 145 00:18:50,239 --> 00:19:02,852 OKAY. WE PUT EVERYTHING INTO OUR GLASS HERE EXCEPT THE ALKASELTZER TO 146 00:19:02,852 --> 00:19:08,591 SHOW YOU WHAT HAPPENS WHEN COLD AIR MEETS WARM AIR GET IN CLOSE, GUYS 147 00:19:08,591 --> 00:19:11,894 THREE, TWO, ONE, SCIENCE. WOW JOSH, WHAT'S GOING ON? 148 00:19:11,894 --> 00:19:15,932 NOT MUCH. WE HAVE TWO WEEKS OFF FOR WINTER BREAK. 149 00:19:15,932 --> 00:19:19,535 NOT IN YOUR LIFE. IN HERE. WHAT'S GOING ON IN HERE? 150 00:19:19,535 --> 00:19:23,506 DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE? WHAT DO YOU SEE? YOUR FINGER 151 00:19:23,506 --> 00:19:27,944 NO. SOMETHING'S GOING ON DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE? 152 00:19:27,944 --> 00:19:34,550 * DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE, A STAR A STAR * SHUT UP, YOU IDIOTS 153 00:19:34,550 --> 00:19:39,756 LOOK WHAT WE'VE MADE IT'S A WHAT? IT'S A ME, MARIO. 154 00:19:39,756 --> 00:19:42,859 NO. IT'S NOT A ME MARIO. GO TO COMMERCIAL. 155 00:19:42,859 --> 00:19:49,866 GO TO COMMERCIAL. TURN THE CAMERA OFF I'M GOING TO CHOKE THIS KID! 156 00:19:57,673 --> 00:20:01,210 CHELSEA? YOUR EX CHELSEA YEAH. 157 00:20:01,210 --> 00:20:05,548 I HAVEN'T THOUGHT ABOUT HER IN A WHILE. WHEN YOU GUYS BROKE UP, IT 158 00:20:05,548 --> 00:20:09,752 WAS SUCH A RELIEF. SHE WAS SUCH A NEGATIVE PERSON. 159 00:20:09,752 --> 00:20:14,957 A BAD PERSON. WHENEVER SHE WOULD WALK INTO A ROOM, IT WAS LIKE, I GUESS 160 00:20:14,957 --> 00:20:18,194 THIS ROOM IS GOING TO SUCK A LITTLE BIT. I WOULD HAVE DAY TREATMENTS 161 00:20:18,194 --> 00:20:22,065 OF HER BEING STEPD ON BY A GIANT. SHE WOULD ALWAYS HAVE FOOD ON 162 00:20:22,065 --> 00:20:29,038 HER SHIRT LIKE A BABY. LIKE DOES THIS FOOD BELONG IN MY NOUGT OR ON MY SHIRT. 163 00:20:29,038 --> 00:20:40,083 SHE STUNG. SHE WAS STINKY. EWW, CHELSEA. 164 00:20:40,083 --> 00:20:43,686 WHY? WHAT'S GOING ON WITH CHELSEA WE GOT BACK TOGETHER. 165 00:20:43,686 --> 00:20:48,458 YOU DID AND SHE'S RIGHT HERE. CHELSEA. 166 00:20:48,458 --> 00:20:52,662 CHELSEA. IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU. JOHN, WHAT THE HELL? 167 00:20:52,662 --> 00:20:59,469 SO ARE YOU GUYS SERIOUS OR CASUAL JOHN JUST PROPOSED. 168 00:20:59,469 --> 00:21:02,805 WEDDING IS IN JUNE. LOVE IT CAN'T WAIT TO MEET THE FAMILIAR. 169 00:21:02,805 --> 00:21:07,110 YOU ALREADY DID THEY'RE ON ZOOM. WHAT'S UP, FAMILY 170 00:21:07,110 --> 00:21:12,115 Y'ALL DON'T SEEM TOO HAPPY WITH ME. ANYONE TALKS CRAP ABOUT MY 171 00:21:12,115 --> 00:21:17,253 DAUGHTER, I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN -- TURN THAT OFF YOU REMEMBER THAT STUFF WE WERE 172 00:21:17,253 --> 00:21:21,858 TALKING ABOUT EARLIER? I DO. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT JOHN'S 173 00:21:21,858 --> 00:21:28,264 OTHER EX COURTNEY. COURTNEY WAS THE ONE WHO WAS LIKE A FUGLY NERD. 174 00:21:28,264 --> 00:21:32,935 WOW. COURTNEY, DIDN'T SEE YOU. WE DIDN'T MEAN TO INSULT YOU. 175 00:21:32,935 --> 00:21:41,144 READ BACK THE WORDS. SHE WAS LIKE A SLOPPY SEWER SCUM. 176 00:21:41,144 --> 00:21:49,152 GET OUT OF HERE YOU WEIRDO. DON'T TALK ABOUT HER THAT WAY. 177 00:21:49,152 --> 00:21:53,056 SHE'S MY WIFE. STEVE, COME ON. YOU'RE OUR FAVORITE HOST. 178 00:21:53,056 --> 00:21:59,429 FAVORITE HOST DAMN IT I'M TELLING MICHAEL CHE. 179 00:21:59,429 --> 00:22:03,933 COME ON, GUYS WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT THE RULES? 180 00:22:03,933 --> 00:22:08,571 A, B, C RULE. YEAH. ALWAYS BE KIND 181 00:22:08,571 --> 00:22:13,409 YOU BROKE THE RULES. BEN'S THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS. CAN YOU NOT TALK ABOUT BEN 182 00:22:13,409 --> 00:22:16,779 THAT WAY HE'S RIGHT HERE. THAT'S REALLY NOT COOL, MAN. 183 00:22:16,779 --> 00:22:20,950 COME ON, EVERYBODY. MARTIN, LET'S GO BACK TO MY APARTMENT. 184 00:22:20,950 --> 00:22:24,687 YOU CAN ALL TAKE ONE THING HOME WITH YOU. YEA 185 00:22:24,687 --> 00:22:29,392 THANK YOU, STEVE. ONE THING. AWESOME 186 00:22:29,392 --> 00:22:35,531 * NOW I'M ALL ATO LOAN YOU TALK CRAP ABOUT MY DAUGHTER, YOU'RE DEAD. 187 00:22:35,531 --> 00:22:37,600 YOU TALK CRAP ABOUT MY DAUGHTER, YOU'RE DEAD. A HAD, H! 188 00:22:50,713 --> 00:22:53,950 BUFFALO. I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT BUFFALO, I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO 189 00:22:53,950 --> 00:22:57,053 GET THERE. WOW, A REAL CHRISTMAS IN BUFFALO. 190 00:22:57,053 --> 00:23:04,560 IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING. JUST LIKE DEAR OLD PEPOO AND MOO MOO USED TO TALK ABOUT. 191 00:23:04,560 --> 00:23:08,331 THEY WOULD BE SO PROUD OF US. MINUS SOME OF THE STUFF WE'VE DONE. 192 00:23:08,331 --> 00:23:13,302 WELL, I'M GLAD I SAT WITH YOU THREE. YOU SEEM LIKE A FUN GROUP. 193 00:23:13,302 --> 00:23:16,806 WE ARE FUN. THANK YOU FOR NOTICING THAT. WHERE YOU HEADED, MISTER? 194 00:23:16,806 --> 00:23:22,178 ARE YOU GOING TO BUFFALO TWO OR BUFFALO THREE? THAT'S MY BUFFALO JOKE THAT I 195 00:23:22,178 --> 00:23:24,981 DO. YEAH. NO, I'M JUST HEADING THERE ON 196 00:23:24,981 --> 00:23:28,251 BUSINESS THE ONLY REASON ANYONE WOULD WANT TO GO TO BUFFALO. 197 00:23:28,251 --> 00:23:31,487 ONLY REASON BUT IT'S THE BEST PLACE TO SEE IT. 198 00:23:31,487 --> 00:23:36,859 SEE WHAT? ARE YOU MESSING WITH US SNOW, OF COURSE. 199 00:23:36,859 --> 00:23:52,442 * SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW * IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE WE'LL ALL BE THERE WITH SNOW * 200 00:23:52,442 --> 00:24:00,183 * SNOW, I WANT TO WASH MY HANDS MY HAIR, MY ASS WITH SNOW * OH, WOW 201 00:24:00,183 --> 00:24:04,087 THAT SOUNDS COLD YOU MUST REALLY LIKE SNOW. WE DON'T KNOW, SIR. 202 00:24:04,087 --> 00:24:10,393 WE'VE NEVER SEEN IT. NOT IN PERSON, ANYWAY * SNOW, I WANT TO GO OUTSIDE AN 203 00:24:10,393 --> 00:24:21,003 TOUCH A BUNCH OF SNOW * * SNOW, TO KISS A GREAT BIG MAN ENTIRELY MADE OF SNOW * 204 00:24:21,003 --> 00:24:24,974 JUST KISS YOU KNOW, YOU NEVER JUST KISS. OKAY. 205 00:24:24,974 --> 00:24:28,478 YEAH MAYBE MORE I'M JUST SO EXCITED FOR SNOW 206 00:24:28,478 --> 00:24:38,121 IF I CLOSE MY EYES, I FEEL LIKE I CAN ALMOST SEE IT. * 207 00:24:38,121 --> 00:24:46,596 * WHERE IT'S SNOWING, THAT'S WHERE I WANT TO BE * * SNOWBALL ATE OOETING, THAT'S 208 00:24:46,596 --> 00:24:52,935 WHAT I'LLDO * * HOW I'M LONGING TO SLEEP ALL NIGHT IN THE SNOW * 209 00:24:52,935 --> 00:24:56,305 SLEEP IN THE SNOW ARE YOU CRAZY? FOR SNOW. 210 00:24:56,305 --> 00:25:02,678 NOW I'M EXCITED FOR SNOW. * WHAT IS CHRISTMAS WITH NO SNOW * 211 00:25:02,678 --> 00:25:13,189 * NO WHITE CHRISTMAS WITH NO, NO, NO, SNOW * * I'LL WASH MY HAIR WITH SNOW 212 00:25:13,189 --> 00:25:19,629 WHY NOT * FILL MY UNDERWEAR WITH SNOW. IF THAT'S YOUR THING * 213 00:25:19,629 --> 00:25:27,537 AND WHEN I SEE THE SNOW, I'M GOING TO KNOW IT'S SNOW * WELL, I WOULD HOPE SO. 214 00:25:27,537 --> 00:25:30,740 * SNOW SO YOU'VE REALLY NEVER SEEN SNOW 215 00:25:30,740 --> 00:25:34,110 WHERE ARE YOU FROM THE WOODS. THE WOODS 216 00:25:34,110 --> 00:25:38,915 YES. ISN'T THERE SNOW THERE? AT TIMES, BUT WE ALWAYS SLEEP 217 00:25:38,915 --> 00:25:41,918 THROUGH IT. OTHERWISE, WE WOULDN'T SURVIVE THE WINTER. 218 00:25:41,918 --> 00:25:45,722 DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT. THAT'S WHY WE HAVE ALL THESE NUTS WITH US. 219 00:25:45,722 --> 00:25:48,157 OH, WOW NUTS. THOSE ARE OURS! 220 00:25:48,157 --> 00:25:52,195 OKAY. SORRY. BUT LISTEN, IT'S GETTING LATE. 221 00:25:52,195 --> 00:26:02,839 * I WOULD LOVE TO STAY AND BEG WITH YOU, BUT I HAVE TO GET SOME SHUT EYE, GO TO SLEEP AND 222 00:26:02,839 --> 00:26:13,750 DREAM * * OF SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW, SNOW * 223 00:26:13,750 --> 00:26:19,088 OH, GOSH. WELL, THAT SONG MADE ME SLEEPY YOU KNOW THE RULES. 224 00:26:19,088 --> 00:26:24,360 BUT IF YOU FALL ASLEEP, WE BREAK THE SPELL. WHAT SPELL? 225 00:26:24,360 --> 00:26:28,131 OH, WE WON'T GET OUR CHRISTMAS WISH OH, BROTHER. 226 00:26:28,131 --> 00:26:32,335 WHAT WISH I WAS REALLY HOPING THEY WOULD MAKE IT THIS TIME. 227 00:26:32,335 --> 00:26:38,808 THOSE BEARS MAKE THE SAME CHRISTMAS WISH EVERY YEAR, TO TURN INTO HUMANS AND RIDE THE 228 00:26:38,808 --> 00:26:44,313 TRAIN TO BUFFALO TO SEE SNOW BUT THEY ALWAYS FALL ASLEEP AND HIBERNATE. 229 00:26:44,313 --> 00:26:49,318 BEAR SNS WHAT ARE YOU TALKING -- HEY WAKE UP! 230 00:26:49,318 --> 00:26:54,123 IT'S SNOWING OUTSIDE. DON'T WAKE THEM UP. ARE YOU INSANE 231 00:26:54,123 --> 00:26:57,527 THEY'LL KILL US. THEY'RE BEARS. GOOD POINT. 232 00:26:57,527 --> 00:27:05,935 WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BEARS OH, NUTS. THOSE ARE OURS! 233 00:27:10,540 --> 00:27:22,985 CHILDREN OF ALL AGES, YOU'VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE. THE ACTUAL MR. CHRIS CRINGLE HAS 234 00:27:22,985 --> 00:27:25,221 COME ALL THE WAY FROM THE NORTH POLE. THAT'S RIGHT. 235 00:27:25,221 --> 00:27:33,563 MY SCHEDULE IS A LITTLE CRAZY RIGHT NOW, BUT THERE'S NO PLACE I WOULD RATHER BE. 236 00:27:33,563 --> 00:27:36,666 RI RIGHT? THAT'S RIGHT. 237 00:27:36,666 --> 00:27:42,739 IT'S SPRINKLES, BUT SOMETIMES I GET EXCITED AND I SAY PRINGLES I DON'T KNOW 238 00:27:42,739 --> 00:27:48,945 I LIKE PRINGLES. I HAVE BEEN CALLING YOU SPRINKLES FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS. 239 00:27:48,945 --> 00:27:53,916 IT'S SPRINKLES. I MADE A MISTAKE DROP IT! 240 00:27:53,916 --> 00:27:56,319 OKAY. SORRY. WHO'S FIRST. 241 00:27:56,319 --> 00:28:00,289 THIS IS PENNY SHE'S NINE SHE'S YOUR BIGGEST FAN. 242 00:28:00,289 --> 00:28:05,828 I LOVE YOU, SANTA. THAT'S SWEET. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE THIS YEAR. 243 00:28:05,828 --> 00:28:13,202 I WOULD LIKE A MAGIC CHRISTY'S CRYSTAL BALL AND A WHAT THE FLUFF INTERACTIVE TOY 244 00:28:13,202 --> 00:28:14,737 CAT. YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE THAT. 245 00:28:14,737 --> 00:28:19,609 OH, AND ALSO -- THAT'S ENOUGH YOU ASK FOR TWO THINGS 246 00:28:19,609 --> 00:28:24,280 THAT'S ENOUGH. READ THE ROOM. BUT I WANT A RAINBOW DOLL. 247 00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,283 I SAID NO IT'S TOO MUCH. HE CAN'T DO IT. 248 00:28:27,283 --> 00:28:32,088 OF COURSE I CAN DO IT I'M SANTA. YOU'LL GET ALL YOU ASK FOR AND 249 00:28:32,088 --> 00:28:33,723 MORE I PROMISE YOU. NEXT! 250 00:28:33,723 --> 00:28:37,427 IS EVERYTHING OKAY? YEP IT IS 251 00:28:37,427 --> 00:28:42,165 I SAID YES! THIS IS DANNY HE'S 11. 252 00:28:42,165 --> 00:28:49,672 MY MOM SAYS SOON I'LL BE TOO OLD TO COME SEE YOU. NONSENSE. 253 00:28:49,672 --> 00:28:56,579 YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD WHAT DO YOU WANT THIS YEAR I WANT A SKATEBOARD, AND 254 00:28:56,579 --> 00:29:03,553 BEATS HEADPHONES, AND A HOODIE. OH, MY GOD. ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL HIM 255 00:29:03,553 --> 00:29:05,555 WHAT? HE CANNOT OPERATE ON THIS LEVEL. 256 00:29:05,555 --> 00:29:12,228 YOU WANT A TODAY SNIDER WHAT POPOVER HOODIE. HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS. 257 00:29:12,228 --> 00:29:16,666 OF COURSE I DO. IT'S A HOOD DID I WITH A THING IT'S A WONDERFUL GIFT. 258 00:29:16,666 --> 00:29:20,336 WHAT HAPPENED TO THE AIR PODS HE GOUT LAST YEAR? I LOST THEM. 259 00:29:20,336 --> 00:29:25,942 YOU SON OF A BITCH. GET OUT OF HERE. NOW STAY OUT 260 00:29:25,942 --> 00:29:31,914 NEXT SPRINKLES, YOU HAVE LEGS! MY GOSH. 261 00:29:31,914 --> 00:29:37,387 FOR THREE YEARS NOW THANKS FOR NOTICING. THAT'S AMAZING. 262 00:29:37,387 --> 00:29:43,993 I'M NOT SURE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA, BUT THIS IS AMANDA OH, HI, AMANDA. 263 00:29:43,993 --> 00:29:49,632 AREN'T YOU CUTE? I WANT TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETS. SAY THAT AGAIN. 264 00:29:49,632 --> 00:29:54,137 I DARE YOU. I WANT TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETS. THEN GET A JOB! 265 00:29:54,137 --> 00:29:58,341 SPRINKLES. I'M SORRY. CAN I TALK WITH YOU 266 00:29:58,341 --> 00:30:02,078 WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'RE JUST SAYING YES TO EVERYTHING. 267 00:30:02,078 --> 00:30:08,751 BUT I LOVE CHILDREN. THERE ARE 2 BILLION OF THEM, AND THEY ALL WANT A FORTNIGHT 268 00:30:08,751 --> 00:30:14,257 BATTLE PASS, WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS. CALM DOWN. 269 00:30:14,257 --> 00:30:20,396 EVERY YEAR WE'RE AFRAID WE CAN'T PULL IT OFF, BUT WE ALWAYS DO. AND THIS YEAR, WE WILL TOO 270 00:30:20,396 --> 00:30:23,900 I PROMISE. WITH CHRISTMAS MAGIC? WELL, THERE'S THIS OTHER 271 00:30:23,900 --> 00:30:27,637 STUFF I HEARD ABOUT. IT'S CALLED SPEED. SPEED, WHAT'S THAT? 272 00:30:27,637 --> 00:30:31,441 WELL, IT'S SOME KIND OF VITAMIN THAT MAKES YOU GO FASTER 273 00:30:31,441 --> 00:30:36,546 WE JUST HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHERE TO GET SOME. CAN'T YOU ASK ONE OF THE KIDS 274 00:30:36,546 --> 00:30:41,818 IF THEY HAVE ANYTHING. I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ASK THEM FOR STUFF, BUT MAYBE IF ONE OF 275 00:30:41,818 --> 00:30:46,022 THEM BRINGS IT UP -- LET'S TRY. WHAT'S YOUR NAME? 276 00:30:46,022 --> 00:30:51,160 I'M LISA, SKI WANT A PONY. THAT'S GREAT. YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT SPEED? 277 00:30:51,160 --> 00:30:54,063 NO. WHAT IS THAT. THIS KID'S NOTHING. 278 00:30:54,063 --> 00:30:58,034 GET OUT OF HERE. HEY, WAIT THAT GUY KNOWS, I BET. 279 00:30:58,034 --> 00:31:01,003 WHO ME OH, HE KNOWS. 280 00:31:01,003 --> 00:31:06,809 HE DEFINITELY KNOWS COME HERE, LITTLE BOY. UH-HUH 281 00:31:06,809 --> 00:31:13,116 UH-HUH UH-HUH AND THEY TAKE CASH 282 00:31:20,022 --> 00:31:27,130 DICKENS A CHRISTMAS CAROL. OH, SPIRITS, PLEASE I WANT TO BE A BETTER MAN. 283 00:31:27,130 --> 00:31:36,939 I WANT TO LIVE I'M ALIVE. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I'M ALIVE 284 00:31:36,939 --> 00:31:42,178 THANK YOU, SPIRITS THANK YOU FOR SHOWING ME THE WAY! 285 00:31:42,178 --> 00:31:52,722 OH, I'M AS LIGHT AS A FEATHER. I'M AT GIDDY AS A MAN. I WILL CHANGE. 286 00:31:52,722 --> 00:31:59,395 I SWEAR I'LL CHANGE. I HOPE FS NOT TOO LATE OH, YOU, LAD 287 00:31:59,395 --> 00:32:02,265 YOU DOWN THERE ME? YES, YOU. 288 00:32:02,265 --> 00:32:08,004 COME HERE. WHAT DAY IS TODAY? WHY, IT'S CHRISTMAS DAY, SIR. 289 00:32:08,004 --> 00:32:14,644 AH, CHRISTMAS, THEN I HAVEN'T MISSED IT. MY DEAR BOY, YOU KNOW THE PRIZED 290 00:32:14,644 --> 00:32:20,950 GOOSE IN THE WINDOW DOWN THE STREET THE ONE AS BIG AS ME? 291 00:32:20,950 --> 00:32:27,657 THAT'S THE ONE. GO AND BUY IT SO THAT TINY TIM AND HIS FAMILY CAN HAVE A FEAST. 292 00:32:27,657 --> 00:32:35,131 WHAT SHALL I BUY IT WITH, SSI SIR? 293 00:32:35,131 --> 00:32:40,036 I'M SO POOR. WHY WITH THIS, OF COURSE. AHH 294 00:32:40,036 --> 00:32:45,508 OH, MY GOD WHATTHE HELL ARE YOU DOING I'M BLIND! 295 00:32:45,508 --> 00:32:49,479 WHY DIDN'T YOU CATCH IT YOU'RE BLAMING ME. HERE. 296 00:32:49,479 --> 00:32:54,150 TAKE THIS FOR YOUR MEDICAL BILLS. WHAT'S THAT 297 00:32:54,150 --> 00:32:57,653 AHH! OH, MY GOD THIS CRAZY OLD MAN IS 298 00:32:57,653 --> 00:33:02,658 WHIPPING COINS INTO THE EYES OF ORPHANS. I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS AN 299 00:33:02,658 --> 00:33:09,198 ORPHAN. OH, YEAH, LIKE I LOOK LIKE I HAVE LIVING PARENTS? 300 00:33:09,198 --> 00:33:17,740 HEY, SCROOGE, JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD CHECK IN ON YOU AND SEE -- OH, MY GOSH. 301 00:33:17,740 --> 00:33:22,111 SOMEONE ARREST THAT MAN HE'S BLINDING CHILDREN FOR SPORT. 302 00:33:22,111 --> 00:33:28,885 HE'S ALWAYS BEEN A CRUEL OLD MAN. LET ME GUESS, YOU TOSSED THE 303 00:33:28,885 --> 00:33:35,525 COIN WAY UP IN THE AIR, RIGHT? THAT'S A CLASSIC MISTAKE WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IS TOSS THE 304 00:33:35,525 --> 00:33:39,562 COIN STRAIGHT DOWN NOW WATCH THIS. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 305 00:33:39,562 --> 00:33:44,534 I COULDN'T SEE WHAT HAPPENED. HE'S BLINDING THE WHOLE TOWN, HE IS. 306 00:33:44,534 --> 00:33:48,271 THAT WAS MY BAD HERE, KID. PUT SOME ICE ON IT. 307 00:33:48,271 --> 00:33:56,546 AHH THAT WAS HIM. YEAH, THEY CAN'T SEE ME 308 00:33:56,546 --> 00:34:05,254 BECAUSE I'M A GHOST, SO YOU LOOK LIKE A TOTAL SIGH OWE PATH NOW. IS IT TRUE, MR. SCROOGE 309 00:34:05,254 --> 00:34:10,526 ARE YOU BLINDING PEOPLE FOR FUN? OF COURSE NOT, TINY TIM. I'M A CHANGED MAN. 310 00:34:10,526 --> 00:34:16,666 NOW, TAKE THIS MONEY TO FIX YOUR LEGS I'LL THROW IT ON THE GROUND AND 311 00:34:16,666 --> 00:34:27,176 YOU CAN PICK IT UP, OKAY SCROOGE JUST THREW TINY TIM INTO THE SUER. 312 00:34:27,176 --> 00:34:31,481 HE'S THE DEVIL, HE IS. MY NEW ADVICE IS LAWYER UP. IT'S FINE 313 00:34:31,481 --> 00:34:38,421 I CAN TAKE CARE OF THIS. LET'S EVERYONE KEEP QUIET ABOUT THIS WHOLE INCIDENT, SHALL WE, 314 00:34:38,421 --> 00:34:43,326 AND I'LL MAKE IT WORTH YOUR WHILE. PLEASE STOP YELLING AND 315 00:34:43,326 --> 00:35:01,644 THROWING SHINY OBJECTS YOU'RE GOING TO SPOOK THE HORSE! OKAY. 316 00:35:01,644 --> 00:35:09,919 WELL, WE'VE ALL LEARNED A LOT TODAY, HAVEN'T WE? BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT LESSON 317 00:35:09,919 --> 00:35:23,633 IS -- MERRY CHRISTMAS. APPLE PAY NEVER USE COINS AGAIN. 318 00:35:29,172 --> 00:35:37,313 LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BRANDI CARLISLE [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 319 00:35:37,313 --> 00:35:50,760 * * ALL OF THESE LINE ACROSS MY FACE 320 00:35:50,760 --> 00:35:57,200 TELL YOU THE STORY OF WHO I AM * * SO MANY STORIES O 321 00:35:57,200 --> 00:36:06,309 WHERE I'VE BEE AND HOW I GO TO WHERE I AM * 322 00:36:06,309 --> 00:36:14,917 * BUT THESE STORIES DON'T MEAN ANYTHIN WHEN YOU'VE GOT NO ONE 323 00:36:14,917 --> 00:36:29,432 TO TELL THEM TO * * IT'S TRUE I WAS MADE FOR YOU 324 00:36:29,432 --> 00:36:36,973 I CLIMBED ACROSS THE MOUNTAINTOPS * * SWAM ALL ACROSS 325 00:36:36,973 --> 00:36:44,547 THE OCEAN BLUE I CROSSED ALL THE LINE AND I BROKE ALL THE RULES * 326 00:36:44,547 --> 00:36:53,756 * BUT BAB I BROKE THEM ALL FOR YOU OH BECAUSE EVEN WHEN 327 00:36:53,756 --> 00:37:06,069 I WAS FLAT BROKE * * YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MILLION BUCKS YOU DO 328 00:37:06,069 --> 00:37:28,091 AND I WAS MADE FOR YOU * * * 329 00:37:28,091 --> 00:38:07,196 * * * YOU SEE THE SMILE 330 00:38:07,196 --> 00:38:15,304 THAT'S ON MY MOUTH IT'S HIDING THE WORD THAT DON'T COME OUT * 331 00:38:15,304 --> 00:38:22,278 * AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS WHO THINK I AM BLESSED THEY DON'T KNO 332 00:38:22,278 --> 00:38:33,122 MY HEAD IS A MESS * * NO THEY DON'T KNO WHO I REALLY A 333 00:38:33,122 --> 00:38:41,664 AND THEY DON'T KNO WHAT I'VE BEEN THROUGH * * LIKE YOU DO 334 00:38:41,664 --> 00:38:52,975 AND I WAS MADE FOR YOU AND ALL OF THESE LINES ACROSS MY FACE * 335 00:38:52,975 --> 00:39:01,050 * TELL YOU THE STOR OF WHO I A SO MANY STORIES OF 336 00:39:01,050 --> 00:39:10,159 WHERE I'VE BEEN * * AND HOW I GOT TO WHERE I A 337 00:39:10,159 --> 00:39:19,836 OH BUT THESE STORIES DON'T MEAN ANYTHING * * WHEN YOU'VE GOT NO ON 338 00:39:19,836 --> 00:39:31,681 TO TELL THEM TO IT'S TRU I WAS MADE FOR YOU OH YEAH * 339 00:39:31,681 --> 00:39:59,108 * WELL IT'S TRU THAT I WAS MADE FOR YOU * * 340 00:39:59,108 --> 00:40:02,578 THAT I WAS MADE FOR YOU * * [ APPLAUSE ] 341 00:40:17,727 --> 00:40:24,534 HEY THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE. 342 00:40:24,534 --> 00:40:30,239 WELCOME TO WEEKEND UPDATE I'M MICHAEL CHE. I'M COLIN JOST. 343 00:40:30,239 --> 00:40:38,481 WELL, IT WAS SHAPING UP TO BE A GOOD WEEK FOR JOE BIDEN. HE GOT BRITNEY BRINER BACK, HE 344 00:40:38,481 --> 00:40:47,123 KEPT MARRIAGE GAY, AND HE'S ONLY GOT 14 MORE SLEEPS TILL SANTA. BUT THEN KYRSTEN SINEMA SAID, 345 00:40:47,123 --> 00:40:54,097 HOLD MY WIG. ARIZONA SENATOR KYRSTEN SINEMA SEEN HERE REALIZING SOMEONE IS 346 00:40:54,097 --> 00:40:59,001 ACTUALLY WAVING TO THE PERSON BEHIND HER, ANNOUNCED THAT SHE IS LEAVING THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY 347 00:40:59,001 --> 00:41:07,643 AND IS REGISTERING AS AN INDEPENDENT. EXPLAINS SINEMA, PAY ATTENTION 348 00:41:07,643 --> 00:41:13,282 TO ME. WNBA STAR BRITTNEY GRINER WAS FREED FROM PRISON IN EXCHANGE 349 00:41:13,282 --> 00:41:20,923 FOR ARMS DEALER, VICTOR BOOT BOOT WAS ONLY AVERAGING FIVE POINTS AND TWO REBOUNDS A GAME. 350 00:41:20,923 --> 00:41:27,397 RAPHAEL WARNOCK DEFEATED HERSCHEL WALKER IN GEORGIA'S SENATE RUNOFF RACE 351 00:41:27,397 --> 00:41:34,137 I DON'T THINK THIS IS THE LAST YOU'LL HEAR FROM HERSCHEL WALKER, I MEAN, THLS HE'S YOUR 352 00:41:34,137 --> 00:41:44,647 BIOLOGICAL FATHER. WITH WARNOCK'S WIN, SENATORS WILL NO LONGER AHAVE TO RELY ON 353 00:41:44,647 --> 00:41:50,153 HARRIS FOR BREAKING VOTE SHE CAN NOW FOCUS ON WAITING FOR A BIKE ACCIDENT. 354 00:41:50,153 --> 00:41:59,028 THE SUPREME COURT HEARD A CASE THIS WEEK OVER WHETHER A SE 355 00:41:59,028 --> 00:42:07,203 CONSERVATIVE EVANGELICAL WOMAN WHO CAN DESIGN I DON'T KNOW ANYONE WHO'S GOING 356 00:42:07,203 --> 00:42:12,608 TO HIRE A DESIGNER WITH THOSE HIGHLIGHTS HONEY 357 00:42:12,608 --> 00:42:17,980 I'M SORRY I APOLOGIZE. DURING ORAL ARGUMENTS IN THE 358 00:42:17,980 --> 00:42:26,923 CASE, JUSTICE SAMUEL ALITO RAISED THE QUESTION, COULD A BLACK DEPARTMENT STORE SANTA BE 359 00:42:26,923 --> 00:42:32,795 FORCED TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH A CHILD IN A CLAN ROBE HE SAID HE WOULD LOVE AN ANSWER 360 00:42:32,795 --> 00:42:37,300 BEFORE HE TAKES HIS GRAND KIDS TO THE MALL NEXT WEEK. DONALD TRUMP SAID THE RESULTS 361 00:42:37,300 --> 00:42:41,604 OF THE 2020 ELECTION SHOULD BE OVERTURNED AND CALLED FOR THE TERMINATION OF THE CONSTITUTION. 362 00:42:41,604 --> 00:42:45,842 TRUMP PLANS TO TERMINATE THE CONSTITUTION BY ASKING HERSCHEL WALKER TO DRIVE IT TO THE 363 00:42:45,842 --> 00:43:03,326 CLINIC I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GUYS SAW TODAY, MOROCCO BEAT PORTUGAL 364 00:43:03,326 --> 00:43:13,102 IT'S THE BEST WORK SINCE THE AFRICANS WHO BUILT THE STADIUMS. I DIDN'T DO IT 365 00:43:13,102 --> 00:43:22,879 PORTUGAL'S HEAD COACH DECIDED NOT TO START SOCCER LEGEND EVEN MORE INSULTING, AT HALF 366 00:43:22,879 --> 00:43:30,253 TIME, HE TRIED TO TRADE RENALDO FOR BRITTNEY GRINER. BUT THE BIGGEST UPSET WAS THAT 367 00:43:30,253 --> 00:43:37,627 FAVORITE BRAZIL WAS ELIMINATED, EXCEPT FOR A TINY STRIP DOWN THE MIDDLE 368 00:43:37,627 --> 00:43:49,272 NIKE HAS OFFICIALLY CUT TIES WITH BROOKLYN NETS STAR KY KYRIE IRVING OVER THE 369 00:43:49,272 --> 00:43:54,043 ANTI-SEMITISM SCANDAL. HE SAID HE'S SO DEPRESSED, HE MIGHT JUMP OFF THE EDGE OF THE 370 00:43:54,043 --> 00:44:01,517 WORLD. TODAY WAS THE SANTA CON BAR CRAWL IN NEW YORK CITY 371 00:44:01,517 --> 00:44:07,390 YEAH THE ANNUAL REMINDER THAT WHILE SANTA MAY EXIST, GOD DOESN'T. 372 00:44:07,390 --> 00:44:12,095 SANTA MAY EXIST, GOD DOESN'T. WELL, FOLKS, THE HOLIDAY SEASON THE OFFICIALLY UPON US. 373 00:44:12,095 --> 00:44:22,305 HERE WITH SOME TIPS ON HOW TO GET YOUR SHOPPING DONE QUICKLY IS MARY ANN LOUISE FISHER. 374 00:44:22,305 --> 00:44:26,309 HELLO, MICHAEL. HEY, HEY WE GOT THREE MINUTES TO DO THIS. 375 00:44:26,309 --> 00:44:32,248 I STILL GOT SEVEN STORES TO HIT ON THIS BLOCK. SO YOU HAVE BEEN PRETTY BUSY. 376 00:44:32,248 --> 00:44:37,153 I HAVE. SEE I'M ONE OF 27 CHILDREN, SO I GOT A LOT OF SHOPPING TO DO. 377 00:44:37,153 --> 00:44:42,859 AND I NEED TO DO IT FAST AND CRAZY. YOU EVER SEEN THE AISLES AND 378 00:44:42,859 --> 00:44:46,362 CROSS DRESS FOR LESS YEAH. MOST OF THE MERCHANDISE IS ON 379 00:44:46,362 --> 00:44:52,268 THE GROUND. YEAH, THAT'S ME, MICHAEL. EVERY SINGLE ROSS, THAT'S ALL 380 00:44:52,268 --> 00:44:56,372 ME. SO YOU'RE SINGLE HANDEDLY TRASHING ALL THE ROSSS 381 00:44:56,372 --> 00:45:01,778 YOU EVER TRIPPED OVER A PAIR OF SHORTS STRUCK TO A WINNY THE POOH TEAPOT? 382 00:45:01,778 --> 00:45:05,882 THAT WAS ME, MICHAEL. WHY MESS EVERYTHING UP? POWER, MICHAEL. 383 00:45:05,882 --> 00:45:12,155 I NEED TO LEAVE MY MARK. AND SOMETIMES, TO FIND THAT ONE PERFECT SHIRT, YOU HAVE TO 384 00:45:12,155 --> 00:45:16,426 UNFOLD 40 AND DUMP THEM ALL ON THE FLOOR. ALL RIGHT 385 00:45:16,426 --> 00:45:22,098 WELL, YOU'RE HERE TO GIVE US SOME HOLIDAY SHOPPING TIPS. THAT'S RIGHT. 386 00:45:22,098 --> 00:45:26,269 TIP NUMBER ONE GET YOU ONE OF THESE DID YOU KNOW ANYONE CAN BUY A 387 00:45:26,269 --> 00:45:29,539 NECK BRACE YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO GO TO A DOCTOR 388 00:45:29,539 --> 00:45:35,778 THESE THINGS MAKE PEOPLE STAY OUT OF YOUR WAY. THEY THINK YOU'RE WOUNDED, BUT 389 00:45:35,778 --> 00:45:41,484 ONLY YOU KNOW, YOUR NECK IS STRONG AS HELL NOW, MICHAEL, GUESS HOW MUCH ALL 390 00:45:41,484 --> 00:45:45,555 THESE SANTA PLATES WERE? WHAT? $3. 391 00:45:45,555 --> 00:45:49,525 GUESS HOW MUCH THIS SHIRT WAS. I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE -- 392 00:45:49,525 --> 00:45:55,498 $3. YOU WANT TO SEE HOW I GOT IT SO HOLD THIS, AND PRETEND YOU'RE 393 00:45:55,498 --> 00:46:01,804 A CUSTOMER LOOKING AT IT. AIN'T THAT A LOVELY BLOUSE. GIVE ME THAT DAMN SHIRT 394 00:46:01,804 --> 00:46:07,310 THAT WAS IN MY BASKET! THAT WAS INTENSE. I SEE HOW THAT WORKS FOR YOU 395 00:46:07,310 --> 00:46:15,585 BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER TIPS TIP NUMBER TWO, IF YOUR BLOOD ISSUING GAR DROPS, J.C. PENNY 396 00:46:15,585 --> 00:46:20,256 GOT NUGGETS. WHAT? J.C. PENNY GOT CHICKEN 397 00:46:20,256 --> 00:46:23,760 NUGGETS. ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS GET YOURSELF STUCK TOEN THAT 398 00:46:23,760 --> 00:46:28,431 ESCALATOR, MAKE A FUSS, AND THE MANAGER WILL FIND YOU SOME NUGGETS, OKAY? 399 00:46:28,431 --> 00:46:32,835 ARE YOU ALL RIGHT NO, MICHAEL WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING 400 00:46:32,835 --> 00:46:35,104 ABOUT? I KNOW TOO MUCH. I'VE SEEN TOO MUCH 401 00:46:35,104 --> 00:46:42,445 IT'S A WAR ZONE OUT THERE, AND I JUST GOT DONE DOING THREE TOURS IN NORDSTROM IRAQ. 402 00:46:42,445 --> 00:46:46,416 IT'S JUST A DEPARTMENT STORE. IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. 403 00:46:46,416 --> 00:46:51,120 I'M THE ONE OUT HERE ON THESE FRONT LINES. NOW, MY THIRD AND FINAL TIP -- 404 00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:56,192 AND I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO SAY THIS, BUT IF YOU CAN, BE BLACK BECAUSE IF YOU'RE WHITE ACTING 405 00:46:56,192 --> 00:47:00,630 LIKE THIS, SOMEONE WILL TAKE A VIDEO, AND YOU WILL LOSE YOUR JOB. 406 00:47:00,630 --> 00:47:06,235 OKAY YOU SEE, MICHAEL, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A BLACK KAREN. 407 00:47:06,235 --> 00:47:10,506 I COULD SLAP THE HELL OUT OF YOU RIGHT NOW, AND NOBODY WOULD SAY A WORD 408 00:47:10,506 --> 00:47:15,078 MY JOB IS SAFE. WHAT DO YOU EVEN DO FOR WORK? I SUE THE CITY. 409 00:47:15,078 --> 00:47:21,084 THE CITY HAS A LOT OF MONEY AND A BUNCH OF UNEVEN SIDEWALKS, BABY 410 00:47:21,084 --> 00:47:23,486 OKAY MARY ANN LOUISE FISHER, EVERYBODY. 411 00:47:23,486 --> 00:47:26,823 I GOT YOU SOM IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE. I'M GOOD. 412 00:47:26,823 --> 00:47:27,890 IT'S IN HERE SOMEWHERE. I'M GOOD. IT'S OKAY. 413 00:47:33,896 --> 00:47:41,738 FLIGHT TO NEWARK AFTER SHE ACCUSED A FAMILY OF SMUGGLING COCAINE THEN ASSAULTED MULTIPLE 414 00:47:41,738 --> 00:47:46,909 OFFICERS BY BITING THEM AND KICKING THEM IN THE GROIN. SHE'S BEEN SENTENCED TO LIFE IN 415 00:47:46,909 --> 00:47:57,954 THE NEW JERSEY HALL OF FAME. A NEW ALBUM FROM R. KELLY WAS REMOVED FROM A STREAMING ALBUM 416 00:47:57,954 --> 00:48:04,127 MINUTES AFTER IT WAS UPLOADED. IT WAS NOT EASY TO REMOVE HIS STREAMS, SAID THE MAID WHO 417 00:48:04,127 --> 00:48:09,832 CLEANED HIS HOUSE. ON CHRISTMAS. THE LOS ANGELES ZOO ANNOUNCED 418 00:48:09,832 --> 00:48:20,076 THAT EVYLYN HAS BEEN EUTHANIZED, NOT BECAUSE SHE'S SICK BUT BECAUSE IT'S LA AND SHE'S IN HER 419 00:48:20,076 --> 00:48:22,678 40s. DAMN THIS WILL GET YOU BACK 420 00:48:22,678 --> 00:48:29,519 A WOMAN IN TEXAS ALLEGEDLY DUMPED THREE BUCKETS OF HUMAN WASTE IN FRONT OF A POLICE 421 00:48:29,519 --> 00:48:38,594 DEPARTMENT AND DROVE AWAY. IT'S A RARE CASE OF E RADIC BEHAVIOR FROM A LADY WHO POOPS 422 00:48:38,594 --> 00:48:45,101 IN A BUCKET. AS DIS-TURK AS THIS STORY IS, IT'S NOT AS DISTURBING AS 423 00:48:45,101 --> 00:48:50,640 IMAGINING THE WOMAN'S DRIVE TO THE POLICE STATION WITH FULL BUCKETS OF FECES BECAUSE ONE 424 00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:58,481 SPEED BUMP TURNS HER STAR INTO A STARBUCKS BATHROOM FRANCE ANNOUNCED THAT IT WILL 425 00:48:58,481 --> 00:49:03,853 START PROVIDING FREE CONDOMS FOR PEOPLE BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18 AND 2 5( 426 00:49:03,853 --> 00:49:07,523 AND 2 5( COOL NOW DO DEODERANT. 427 00:49:17,166 --> 00:49:26,776 HOLIDAY MUST HAVE LISTS. HERE IT'S AUTHORS CURT AND DIB FROM WYOMING 428 00:49:26,776 --> 00:49:33,883 HEY, GUYS. HOW DID THIS BOOK COME ABOUT WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED CLOSE TO 429 00:49:33,883 --> 00:49:36,986 20 YEARS NOW THINGS KIND OF FIZZLED OUT IN BED. 430 00:49:36,986 --> 00:49:44,360 BUT WE DISCOVERED MY WIFE HAS A TALENT FOR DOING VOICES OF FAMOUS PEOPLE, SO WE TOOK THAT 431 00:49:44,360 --> 00:49:49,165 INTO THE BEDROOM. SO SORT OF LIKE ROLE PLAYING? YEAH, BUT WITH CELEBRITIES. 432 00:49:49,165 --> 00:50:00,276 FOR EXAMPLE, WE'LL SHOW YOU OUR TECHNIQUE AT WORK. BABY, YOU WANT TO SHOW THEM DREW 433 00:50:00,276 --> 00:50:04,547 BARRYMORE? LIKE THIS. OH, MY GOD, THAT FEELS 434 00:50:04,547 --> 00:50:07,316 AMAZING. YOU LIKE THAT, DREW YES, IT'S FANTASTIC. 435 00:50:07,316 --> 00:50:10,253 HOW MUCH? SO MUCH LOUDER. 436 00:50:10,253 --> 00:50:13,156 COME ON. IT'S LITERALLY BLOWING MY MIND. 437 00:50:13,156 --> 00:50:21,030 LOUDER. COME ON! IT'S ORGASMIC. 438 00:50:21,030 --> 00:50:26,002 I'M THE MASTER. IS THAT NOT HOT AS HELL. I CAN SEE 439 00:50:26,002 --> 00:50:30,840 WE'RE ALL GETTING REALLY TURNED ON. YEAH, YOU ARE, YOU HORN DOG 440 00:50:30,840 --> 00:50:40,550 SO DREW IS A GOOD GIRL, BUT SHE DOES BAD GIRLS TOO LIKE THAT RUSSIAN CON ARTIST LADY FROM 441 00:50:40,550 --> 00:50:50,226 "INVENTING ANNA" DO ANNA DELVEY FOR ME. OH, YOU'RE NOTHING, LITTLE 442 00:50:50,226 --> 00:50:54,263 BOY. YES, MS. DELVEY. YOU'RE SO WEAK AND POOR. 443 00:50:54,263 --> 00:50:58,701 YES, PLEASE RUIN MY CREDIT SCORE. RUIN MY CREDIT SCORE. 444 00:50:58,701 --> 00:51:07,310 MY ORGASM IS ON THE WAY. YEAH, IT IS, MS. DELVEY DAMN 445 00:51:07,310 --> 00:51:12,515 THAT'S GREAT. I'M CURIOUS HOW MANY VOICES DOES SHE DO 446 00:51:12,515 --> 00:51:16,719 MAN, I THINK I MADE LOVE TO ABOUT A THOUSAND CELEBRITIES AT THIS POINT 447 00:51:16,719 --> 00:51:22,325 I MEAN, LAST NIGHT I WAS WITH MS. MERYL STREEP OH, OKAY. 448 00:51:22,325 --> 00:51:30,533 I GOT TO USE A PROP. YOU CAN USE A PROP. OH, WELL, YOU KNOW, THAT'S 449 00:51:30,533 --> 00:51:35,605 DELICIOUS. YEAH? OH, IT'S UTTERLY DIVINE. 450 00:51:35,605 --> 00:51:38,941 YOU'RE SO TALENTED. IT'S LIKE MUSIC. YEAH? 451 00:51:38,941 --> 00:51:43,246 OH, YEAH. I FINISHED THERE IT IS 452 00:51:43,246 --> 00:51:51,020 WHOO I GOT A QUESTION. DOES SHE DO ANY BLACK ONES 453 00:51:51,020 --> 00:51:59,362 NO, SHE DOES NOT. BUT SHE CAN DO -- WHAT'S HER NAME 454 00:51:59,362 --> 00:52:03,933 SCARLETT JOHANSSON DO YOU -- DO YOU KNOW HER? YES, I DO. 455 00:52:03,933 --> 00:52:09,939 YOU KNOW HER? YEAH. HAVE YOU SEEN THAT MOVIE 456 00:52:09,939 --> 00:52:15,511 UNDER HER SKIN I THINK IT'S UNDER THE SKIN. OF COURSE YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S 457 00:52:15,511 --> 00:52:21,017 CALLED YOU HORN DOG. LOOK AT YOU CORRECTING ME. 24 MINUTES, 11 SECONDS 458 00:52:21,017 --> 00:52:26,322 ALL RIGHT. DO SCARLET HEY, I'M MARRIED TO COLIN, 459 00:52:26,322 --> 00:52:32,628 BUT I NEED A REAL MAN. YEAH, YOU DO. WHY DON'T YOU GET OVER HERE 460 00:52:32,628 --> 00:52:38,134 BLACK WIDOW. COME ON, BLACK WIDOW THIS SPIDER BITES, COLIN. 461 00:52:38,134 --> 00:52:43,172 I THINK WE'RE GOOD ON THAT ONE. I JUST WANT TO POINT OUT, IT 462 00:52:43,172 --> 00:52:48,778 DOES SEEM LIKE DEB KIND OF DOES ALL THE WORK WHILE YOU REAP THE BENEFITS. 463 00:52:48,778 --> 00:52:56,452 I'M NOT AS GOOD AT VOICES AS DEB, BUT I CAN SAY LIKE ONE THING AS A FEW CARTOON 464 00:52:56,452 --> 00:53:01,691 CHARACTERS, AND DEB GOT INTO IT. DIDN'T YOU UH-HUH. 465 00:53:01,691 --> 00:53:09,499 I LOVE LITTLE STEWY. YOU WANT ME TO DO IT? HELLO, BRIAN. 466 00:53:09,499 --> 00:53:20,877 WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO ME, STEWY? NOW DO MR. BURNS. 467 00:53:20,877 --> 00:53:34,357 EXCELLENT. DO SHAGGY FROM SCOOBYDOO. DO YOU DESERVE IT 468 00:53:34,357 --> 00:53:39,996 DO YOU DESERVE IT I DO. 469 00:53:50,406 --> 00:54:04,087 UP FOR THE KING OF 90s, MINKY CARMICHAEL. I'M FEELING GOOD. 470 00:54:04,087 --> 00:54:12,762 WELCOME TO HOW TO TREAT YOUR MAN WITH ME, MINKY CARMICHAEL. THE SHOW WILL GIVE ADVICE FOR 471 00:54:12,762 --> 00:54:24,774 ALL FINE FEMALES WHO ARE LOOK TO GO LAND A MAN AND KEEP HIS ASS I'M JOINED BY MY SIDE KING, JEN 472 00:54:24,774 --> 00:54:29,245 FONGER-BHANG. I STARTED DRINKING EARLY. YES, YOU DID. 473 00:54:29,245 --> 00:54:35,017 NOW, WOULD YOU LOOK AT ALL THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES IN THE AUDIENCE TONIGHT. 474 00:54:35,017 --> 00:54:37,620 WHO DON'T KNOW A DAMN THING ABOUT HOW TO TREAT THEIR MAN HIT IT 475 00:54:37,620 --> 00:54:53,002 * NOW, THAT'S HOW IT IS. THIS IS MY CHURCH, AND MINKY 476 00:54:53,002 --> 00:54:58,141 IS MY PRIEST. THAT'S 100% TRUE. NOW, WHO'S GOT A QUESTION FOR 477 00:54:58,141 --> 00:55:01,277 ME ME. RIGHT HERE. 478 00:55:01,277 --> 00:55:05,948 OKAY. WHITE GIRL WITH A LITTLE HEAD. OH, ME? 479 00:55:05,948 --> 00:55:10,386 OKAY WELL, HI, MINKY. SO AFTER A FIRST DATE, I DIDN'T 480 00:55:10,386 --> 00:55:14,757 SLEEP WITH THE GUY, RIGHT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM LOOSE, BUT NOW HE'S NOT CALLING 481 00:55:14,757 --> 00:55:22,098 ME BACK. WHAT DID I DO WRONG? HMM, LET ME CONSULT WITH MY 482 00:55:22,098 --> 00:55:28,304 RELATIONSHIP CALCULATOR. YOU WENT ON A DATE, YOU DIDN'T PUT OUT, AND THAT EQUALS -- OF 483 00:55:28,304 --> 00:55:38,481 COURSE HE'S NOT CALLING BACK HIT IT * 484 00:55:38,481 --> 00:55:48,024 AND THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS. AW, COME ON, MINKY. HE SAID WHAT HE SAID. 485 00:55:48,024 --> 00:55:53,930 SHUT UP. NEXT QUESTION OH, MINKY, HI 486 00:55:53,930 --> 00:56:01,270 SO HERE'S WHAT'S UP. I WAS ON A DATE AND WOUND PORNO IN THIS GUY'S VCR. 487 00:56:01,270 --> 00:56:08,678 IS THAT A RED FLAG WHAT SHOULD I DO GIRL, THE ONLY VCR I CARE 488 00:56:08,678 --> 00:56:15,118 ABOUT IS A VERY COOL RACK. SLAM IT! * 489 00:56:15,118 --> 00:56:20,957 AND THAT'S -- WHAT? JUST HOW IT IS. WHO'S NEXT? 490 00:56:20,957 --> 00:56:27,163 HI, MINKY HERE'S MY PROBLEM. I WAS FLIRTING WITH THIS GUY, 491 00:56:27,163 --> 00:56:33,136 AND HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER, BUT I NEVER CALLED HIM DOES THAT MAKE ME A BAD NUMBER. 492 00:56:33,136 --> 00:56:39,208 UH, YEP SLAM IT! * 493 00:56:39,208 --> 00:56:42,445 I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER IN ANY LIFE NEXT 494 00:56:42,445 --> 00:56:45,114 YES HI, EVERYONE I'M JADA. 495 00:56:45,114 --> 00:56:51,888 OH, NO, NO. AND I WENT ON A DATE WITH MINKY CARMICHAEL. 496 00:56:51,888 --> 00:56:58,461 CAN WE CUT HER MIC? AND I HAVE TO SAY, HE HAS H THE WORST PENIS I'VE EVER SEEN 497 00:56:58,461 --> 00:57:06,335 I'M NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN, BUT IT LOOKED LIKE AN ESPRESSO CUP. THAT'S NOT 100% TRUE. 498 00:57:06,335 --> 00:57:12,241 ANYONE ELSE HAVE A QUESTION? YEAH, I HAVE A QUESTION WHAT WAS SO HORRIBLE ABOUT HIS 499 00:57:12,241 --> 00:57:15,344 THING? THE LENGTH WAS OKAY FELT LIKE THERE WAS NOTHING 500 00:57:15,344 --> 00:57:19,148 INSIDE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? LIKE AT A CERTAIN POINT, HE 501 00:57:19,148 --> 00:57:25,121 ASKED ME, DO YOU WANT ME TO CLOSE IT. HOLD UP 502 00:57:25,121 --> 00:57:29,258 WHAT WAS THERE TO CLOSE? I DON'T KNOW. BUT I WOULD DESCRIBE IT AS OPEN, 503 00:57:29,258 --> 00:57:37,166 LIKE HOLLOW. MINKY, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE PACKING THE WORM FROM DOOM. 504 00:57:37,166 --> 00:57:43,473 YOU KNOW WHAT LET ME CONSULT MY BULL CRAP DETECTING COMPUTER. 505 00:57:43,473 --> 00:57:53,816 LOOKS LIKE I'M GETTING A FAX -- BEEP, BEEP, BOOP, BOOP, OH, MY GOD, IT'S FROM THE PENIS 506 00:57:53,816 --> 00:58:00,957 HOSPITAL THEY SAY YOU NEED AN EMERGENCY APPOINTMENT. 507 00:58:00,957 --> 00:58:04,861 SLAM IT ZBL NO. I'M THE ONE WHO SLAMS IT 508 00:58:04,861 --> 00:58:10,266 YOU DON'T SLAM IT. I HEAR FROM THE PRODUCERS THAT WE ARE OUT OF TIME AND 509 00:58:10,266 --> 00:58:14,070 CANCELED, WHICH MEANS I GOT TO GO BACK AND FINISH HIGH SCHOOL BYE, Y'ALL 510 00:58:14,070 --> 00:58:18,074 GO BACK AND FINISH HIGH SCHOOL BYE, Y'ALL * 511 00:58:30,920 --> 00:58:43,299 [ APPLAUSE ] * * THEY BUILD WOODEN HOUSE 512 00:58:43,299 --> 00:58:48,104 ON FROZEN POND IN THE SUMMERTIM WHEN THE WATER'S GONE * 513 00:58:48,104 --> 00:58:51,340 * DIAGONAL LINE IN THEIR ROLLED-OUT LAWN AND THE SAGE 514 00:58:51,340 --> 00:58:56,179 ALWAYS SMELLS SO PRETTY * * BUT NOBODY CARE WHERE THE BIRDS HAVE GON 515 00:58:56,179 --> 00:59:01,050 WHEN THE RAIN COMES DOWN ON BABYLON * * THE STONEMASON'S PHON 516 00:59:01,050 --> 00:59:04,787 RINGS ALL DAY LONG AND YOU GOTTA GET BACK TO THE CITY * 517 00:59:04,787 --> 00:59:10,159 * I BUILD MY HOUS UP ON THIS ROCK BABY EVERY DAY WITH YOU * 518 00:59:10,159 --> 00:59:14,430 * THERE'S NOTHIN' IN THAT TOWN I NEE AFTER EVERYTHING 519 00:59:14,430 --> 00:59:21,971 WE'VE BEEN THROUGH * * ME OUT IN MY GARDEN AND YOU OUT ON YOUR WALK 520 00:59:21,971 --> 00:59:27,877 IS ALL THE DISTANC THIS POOR GIRL CAN TAKE * * WITHOUT LISTENIN' 521 00:59:27,877 --> 00:59:32,281 TO YOU TALK I DON'T NEED THEIR MONEY BABY * * JUST YOU AND ME 522 00:59:32,281 --> 00:59:41,424 ON THE ROC I DON'T NEED THEIR MONEY BABY * 523 00:59:41,424 --> 00:59:47,363 * * I BUILT PAPER PLANE WHEN I LEARNED TO FL 524 00:59:47,363 --> 00:59:51,634 LIKE A 747 FALLIN' OUT OF THE SKY * * I FOLDED 'EM CROOKED 525 00:59:51,634 --> 00:59:55,905 AND NOW I'M WONDERIN' WH I COULD ALWAYS END UP IN THE WATER * 526 00:59:55,905 --> 00:59:59,675 * BUT NOBODY'S ASKIN' WHY SHE LOOKIN' SO THI WHY SHE'S LAUGHIN' TOO HAR 527 00:59:59,675 --> 01:00:04,480 WHY SHE DRINKIN' AGAIN * * A FALLING STA SHE'S A PAPER PLAN 528 01:00:04,480 --> 01:00:08,818 AND SHE WAS GOIN' DOWN WHEN YOU CAUGHT HER * * I BUILD MY HOUS 529 01:00:08,818 --> 01:00:15,792 UP ON THIS ROCK BABY EVERY DAY WITH YOU * * THERE'S NOTHIN' 530 01:00:15,792 --> 01:00:21,164 IN THAT TOWN I NEE AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH * 531 01:00:21,164 --> 01:00:26,002 * ME OUT IN MY GARDEN AND YOU OUT ON YOUR WALK IS ALL THE DISTANC 532 01:00:26,002 --> 01:00:30,339 THIS POOR GIRL CAN TAKE * * WITHOUT LISTENIN' TO YOU TALK * 533 01:00:30,339 --> 01:00:34,110 * I DON'T NEE THEIR MONEY BABY JUST YOU AND M 534 01:00:34,110 --> 01:00:43,252 ON THE ROCK * * * IT'S AN EARTHQUAK 535 01:00:43,252 --> 01:00:54,530 IT'S A HARD WIND IT'S A RECORD-BREAKIN' TID AND IT IS ROLLIN' IN * 536 01:00:54,530 --> 01:01:01,537 * OH IT'S A BIG SEA BUT IT CAN'T TOUCH YOU AND M IT'S JUST A WATER VIEW 537 01:01:01,537 --> 01:01:12,281 AND WHAT A VIEW * * I DON'T NEE THEIR MONEY BABY 538 01:01:12,281 --> 01:01:30,533 OH * * I BUILD MY HOUS UP ON THIS ROCK BABY 539 01:01:30,533 --> 01:01:35,938 EVERY DAY WITH YOU * * THERE'S NOTHIN' IN THAT TOWN I NEE 540 01:01:35,938 --> 01:01:41,878 AFTER EVERYTHING WE'VE BEEN THROUGH * * ME OUT IN MY GARDEN 541 01:01:41,878 --> 01:01:47,250 AND YOU OUT ON YOUR WALK IS ALL THE DISTANC THIS OLD GIRL CAN TAKE * 542 01:01:47,250 --> 01:01:52,155 * WITHOUT LISTENIN' TO YOU TAL I DON'T NEED 543 01:01:52,155 --> 01:01:59,162 THEIR MONEY BABY * * JUST YOU AND ME ON THE ROC 544 01:01:59,162 --> 01:02:06,602 I DON'T NEED THEIR MONEY BABY * * I DON'T NEE 545 01:02:06,602 --> 01:02:11,974 THEIR MONEY BABY IT'S YOU AND M ON THE ROCK * 546 01:02:11,974 --> 01:02:20,116 * IT'S YOU AND ME ON THE ROC YOU AND ME ON THE ROCK * 547 01:02:20,116 --> 01:02:26,289 ON THE ROC YOU AND ME ON THE ROCK * [ APPLAUSE ] 548 01:02:32,829 --> 01:02:38,768 WE BOUGHT IT WHEN ANNY WAS IN GRAMMAR SCHOOL SHE EVEN GOT MARRIED HERE. 549 01:02:38,768 --> 01:02:44,707 SO MANY MEMORIES [ APPLAUSE ] HEY, DADDY. 550 01:02:44,707 --> 01:02:51,280 IS THAT MY BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER GUESS WHAT, I'M ENGAGED, 551 01:02:51,280 --> 01:02:59,822 AGAIN. FATHER OF THE BRIDE, PART EIGHT. 552 01:02:59,822 --> 01:03:07,830 THAT'S RIGHT, THREE DECADES AND SEVEN DIVORCES LATER, ANNY IS BACK AND READY TO GIVE MARRIAGE 553 01:03:07,830 --> 01:03:13,436 AN EIGHTH SHOT. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I CAN AFFORD AN EIGHTH WEDDING 554 01:03:13,436 --> 01:03:20,276 I'M FINANCIALLY DRAINED. I'M YOUR LITTLE GIRL. YOU'RE 52 555 01:03:20,276 --> 01:03:26,649 YOUR MOTHER STARTED DRIVING FOR LYFT TO PAY FOR YOUR LAST WEDDING. 556 01:03:26,649 --> 01:03:35,958 DID SOMEONE SAY MOM DIANE KEATON IS BACK. SHE'S AN ICON IN BEIGE, AND 557 01:03:35,958 --> 01:03:40,430 WE'RE HERE FOR IT. SO WHO THE SHE WILL PLANNING THIS THING 558 01:03:40,430 --> 01:03:47,770 OH, MY -- DON'T TELL ME IT'S -- HELLO LOOK AT YOU. 559 01:03:47,770 --> 01:03:50,907 NO. NOT AGAIN. HE WILL LE, GEORGE. 560 01:03:50,907 --> 01:03:55,678 I CAN'T DO THIS, HOWARD. HI, GEORGE. YOU STILL HAVE AN OUTSTANDING 561 01:03:55,678 --> 01:04:06,989 BALANCE FROM THE FIFTH WEDDING YOU OWE ME FOR THE SHRIMP TOWER AND THE PERFORMANCE FROM NICKI 562 01:04:06,989 --> 01:04:15,565 MINAJ. CAN WE GET NICKI MINAJ AGAIN? . 563 01:04:15,565 --> 01:04:18,000 [ INAUDIBLE WHAT? THAT'S RIGHT, MARTIN SHORT IS 564 01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:28,544 BACK AS THE BELOVED WEDDING PLANNER FRANCK, DOING AN ACCENT WE ALL THINK IS OKAY 565 01:04:28,544 --> 01:04:35,785 YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE USED GOODS. THESE ARE NOT -- I'VE SEEN 566 01:04:35,785 --> 01:04:39,756 BIGGER LUMPS IN OATMEAL. SO PUT THEM TOGETHER AND MAKE ONE BIG ONE OR DO SOMETHING. 567 01:04:39,756 --> 01:04:45,495 GET THE FAKE ONE -- WHATEVER YOU DO, IT LOOK LOVELY I THINK YOU NEED A LITTLE 568 01:04:45,495 --> 01:04:51,234 PLIMPING, TUCKING, TUGGING, AND MAYBE DOWN THERE, A LITTLE PROCEDURE. 569 01:04:51,234 --> 01:04:57,440 ARE YOU SUGGESTING I PAY FOR MY DAUGHTER'S VAGINAL REJUVENATION 570 01:04:57,440 --> 01:05:08,985 EWW [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] CAN WE NOT TALK ABOUT MY 571 01:05:08,985 --> 01:05:15,358 SISTER'S PRIVATES RIGHT NOW? I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BLOW CHUNKS. DID YOU FORGET HE WAS IN THIS 572 01:05:15,358 --> 01:05:22,432 MOVIE? SO DID WE AND SO DID HE, AND NOW HE'S ON SUCCESSION, AND GOOD FOR 573 01:05:22,432 --> 01:05:26,269 HIM. IT WOULDN'T BE A WEDDING WITHOUT THE WHOLE FAMILY THERE. 574 01:05:26,269 --> 01:05:32,475 MY SISTER IN A WEDDING DRESS? GROSS TO THE MAX BY THE WAY, NO CAKE FOR ME 575 01:05:32,475 --> 01:05:41,284 I HAVE A COLONOSCOPY TOMORROW. SO BEAUTIFUL. YOU REALLY ARE BEAUTIFUL. 576 01:05:41,284 --> 01:05:50,026 MY LITTLE MENOPAUSAL GIRL. TIME FOR THE BIG SURPRISE, YOUR WEDDING PERFORMER 577 01:05:50,026 --> 01:05:57,633 WHAT'S UP I'M THE WEDDING SINGER. MY GOD, SELENA GOMEZ. 578 01:05:57,633 --> 01:06:01,337 YOU'RE EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL IN REAL LIFE. I KNOW. 579 01:06:01,337 --> 01:06:04,140 THANKS IF. HOW MUCH IS SHE GOING TO COST ME 580 01:06:04,140 --> 01:06:14,751 1.8 MILLION EASY. COME ON, GEORGE SING IT TO EVERYBODY 581 01:06:14,751 --> 01:06:17,653 LET'S SING * EVERYBODY HAS A POOPER, THAT' WHY WE INVITED YOU, A PARTY 582 01:06:17,653 --> 01:06:19,989 WHY WE INVITED YOU, A PARTY POOPER * [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] 583 01:06:24,761 --> 01:06:31,634 HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE." THANKS TO BRANDI CARLISLE, SELENA GOMEZ, AND THIS BRILLIANT 584 01:06:31,634 --> 01:06:36,139 CAST WE LOVE YOU. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.