Original subtitles

♪♪♪ (theme)

(woman singing "Happy Days Are Here Again" in Japanese)

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

MAN (over P. A.): Attention, all MASH personnel,

tonight's War Department film

on how to lead a good, clean life

has been canceled

due to unusually heavy indifference.

Mm‐hmm.

Another day of bed rest.

Oh. Yes. He's coming along splendidly.

I did this one myself.

Quality shows, Frank.

I like to think so.

All right. Try not to move.

You've bought enough shrapnel in your backside

to use it as a doorstop.

Let's watch our language, shall we, McIntyre?

(sigh) Frank, I'm sorry about that,

but you know how it is. War is heck.

What have you got against writing intelligibly?

If I could have done that, I'd have become a lawyer.

Another day of bed rest. Continued IVs.

How are you this morning, Pierce?

Not too good, but I'll feel better once I desert.

This man's North Korean.

Right, first time.

Well, you better tell the MPs

to have him transferred to the POW section.

Time, Frank, time.

We just got this kid outta shock.

He's got multiple lacerations.

We stick him in the clink, he's liable to kick off.

Oh, he doesn't look that bad to me.

Look, whatever he needs,

he can get it at the next stop.

I'm sending him out.

Hold it, Doctor.

What this guy needs is some plasma and some rest.

He doesn't need a ticket for being on the wrong side.

We've got limited bed space. You know that.

Why doesn't somebody tell them that up at the front?

They keep shooting each other like we've got beds for everybody.

‐Get him out today. ‐I don't think so.

Look, don't make me get unpleasant.

I can't improve on nature, Frank.

‐He goes. ‐He stays.

I'm sorry, but this time, he happens to be right.

Look, I know the guy behaves like an enlistment poster,

but I mean, this time, I gotta back Frank up.

I want one day for that patient.

‐One day. ‐You want.

You know, Pierce,

you got a way of making every man in this outfit

feel as if he's working for you.

Henry, open your middle drawer.

Look, this is not just another beef against Frank Burns, you know.

We can't turn that kid away.

Well, I mean, you're not asking much, are you?

I mean, you only want me to give him one unit

of AB negative.

One lousy pint of blood.

Henry, I mean, who'll ever miss it?

We're talking about AB negative.

Look, if I hand out AB neg to somebody from the other side,

and then one of our kids needs it,

Well, General Hammond will personally

give me a tylectomy without a local.

Yes, sir. Radar!

Pierce. Damn it, Radar.

How many times have I told you not to come in here

before I call you?

Well, I don't like to be late, sir.

How can you be late if you come in here

before I even know I want you?

Ours is not to question why, sir.

What why? What? I‐‐

You wanted these transfer orders, sir?

‐No, I want the transfer orders. ‐Yes, sir.

Those ones that you've got there in your hand.

Those are the ones.

Wait a minute, Henry. What orders are those?

You're not transferring the Korean?

I've got no choice. Now, honest...

I mean, we've only got so many beds,

and this kid's got one waiting someplace else.

That'll be all, Rad‐‐

Gimme 24 hours before you ship him out.

No.

One day.

As opposed to 24 hours?

Henry, you're turning into a regular army clown

before our very eyes.

(exhales) Yeah.

All right, take all the time you want.

You mean it?

Just get him outta the post‐op.

All right, where do we put him?

Anywhere. I mean‐‐ But I don't want any more static

from Frank Burns. That man is a raw nerve.

HAWKEYE: I couldn't agree more.

TRAPPER JOHN: You know, if I didn't know better,

I'd say the guy was my wife in army drag.

No sweat. Everything's gonna be okay.

Ask him if he's comfortable.

(speaking Korean)

Glucose on this side.

Look, ask him his name.

We can't just treat him like a wounded egg roll.

(speaking Korean)

Wish we had subtitles for this.

(speaking Korean)

He's called Pai.

Welcome to the end of the war, Pai.

RADAR: Hawkeye.

Oh, here's the personal records you wanted.

This‐‐ this is the entire MASH personnel here

and their blood type.

Terrific.

Take two splints out of petty cash.

Surprising how many of us have blood, isn't it?

Well, it's not so hard if you stay far enough behind the lines.

I'm trying to find somebody with AB neg.

Pssst.

Isn't that the POW?

That's right. He's in my C‐O‐T.

I ordered him shipped out.

What's he doing here?

Easy, Frank. Henry okayed it.

He's not taking up anybody's space but mine.

Why don't you buzz off, Frank?

Go review your hypocritical oath.

Trap?

Hmm?

What do you think?

(thump)

Hey.

(imitating Bela Lugosi) Good work, Igor. Very good.

In the morning, he will be one of my brides.

(whimpering)

Shhh.

Not so loud, my count.

Oh, Margaret... (mumbling)

I think we struck dream.

Oh, Frank, you're so strong.

You're so big and strong.

(sighing, mumbling)

We don't want to get him too excited.

We might start something we can't finish.

‐You got enough? ‐Almost.

I wanna put a head on it.

This guy can sleep through anything.

But then he gets a lot of practice while he's awake.

‐How are you doin'? ‐Full.

One pint even.

Shall we check his oil while we're at it?

You get him cleaned up.

I'll go get Pai ready.

Good night, darling.

You're the greatest.

Hmm...

Did you get it?

A full pint.

Great. Is he all right?

He's fine.

They may have to put starch in his underwear

to sit up, but he's okay.

I see you ordered the hunt breakfast.

The hunt breakfast? What is‐‐

Forget it.

Can I help it if the war gives me an appetite?

That's an awfully dirty look for so early in the day.

I just wanted to thank you for last night.

You weren't with me last night.

I was speaking for my fantasies.

You never quit, do you?

Well, in the absence of any real success

with you in the amour department,

you have to allow me the odd fantasy or two.

You're having one right now, aren't you?

Yeah.

Is this a new one or are you undressing me

with your eyes again?

Well, if I did it with my hands,

‐I'd get killed, right? ‐Uh‐huh.

Not a bad way to go, really.

What do you say?

You got a minute?

Uh, actually, I'm trying to make some time

with this lieutenant person.

He's got a minute.

It's about Pai.

See ya later.

I'm sure you will,

whether I'm there or not.

‐What's wrong? ‐You name it.

Severe abdominal pains, nausea,

darkened specimen,

can't keep anything on his stomach.

‐Transfusion reaction. ‐Mm‐hmm.

Last night's trip to Transylvania.

Same symptoms as hepatitis.

But it can't be from Frank's blood.

I mean, not that fast.

It might be a new variant.

Well, stranger things have happened.

If Frank did have it,

it'd be a lovely way to get him out of our hair.

What about outta the outfit?

There he goes. Typhoid Mary.

Loaded with jaundice juice.

Let's go.

‐Hey, Frank. ‐Frank!

Frank.

Hold it up.

Hey, how do you feel, pal?

Feel? Me?

‐Yeah. ‐What's the gag?

No gag. We're interested in your health.

Oh, come on!

Frank, listen.

You, uh, are you eating all right?

I mean, do you have any signs of fatigue or anything?

None. Why are you...?

Well, my sleep was off a bit last night.

I had this weird dream.

‐Yeah? ‐What was it?

That I was a soda with a big straw stickin' in me.

You know something?

You could be coming down with something.

A guy who works as hard as you.

Feel that, feel that.

‐Huh? Huh? ‐Oh, wow.

You guys are starting something.

Frank, don't be paranoid.

I'm only paranoid 'cause everybody's against me.

Fever, too, Doctor, you know? High pulse rate.

Yeah, a little disoriented here.

‐Classic signs. ‐Oh, cut it out.

Hey, Frank, listen.

Why don't you give us a blood sample?

The lab down in Seoul can do a complete run on you

and have the results back here in two hours.

I'm fine. I'm completely fine.

The last thing I'm gonna give you two ghouls

is any of my blood.

Ghouls.

That's a nice thing to call us vampires.

You know, we are gonna have to check him out.

I mean, for his own good.

I don't think we can do another midnight caper.

Well, we got a little left over

from last night's siphon.

It might be enough.

I think we're gonna have to get something else from Frank

to back that up, don't you?

Definitely.

Frank, old buddy,

let's hope you're not too house‐broken.

(whistling)

(speaking Korean)

‐Okay? ‐Okay.

Frank Burns at six o'clock.

Oh, what do you say, Frank?

You got a minute?

I'm not giving you a blood sample.

I'm probably the fittest man in this outfit.

And don't ask me again how I feel,

because you have no real concern for my welfare at all.

Take it easy, Frank.

There's a vein standing out on your head

you could tow a car with.

We just wanted your help, that's all.

Yeah.

You wanted my help?

Well three's something wrong with the beer, Frank,

and we can't figure out what it is.

Well, you know all I know about beer is that I...

I can't hold it.

I told you he'd be too hard‐nosed to help.

Yeah, I thought for once he'd be a regular guy.

Well, let's see.

Okay, try this.

Tastes all right to me.

Well, that's not enough to tell.

It's fine.

Okay, try this one.

Aren't they the same?

Close your eyes.

No monkey business.

Come on.

Now try this one.

Now, remember what that tastes like.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐And try this one.

Now which one was stronger?

The first one or the second one?

I'm not really sure.

Okay, let's try the first one again.

All right, now we'll try the other one.

Well? What do you think?

I'll be right back.

Which beer do you think's flatter?

Oh, I‐I don't know. Just leave me alone, can't you.

You don't think the first was different from the second?

No. Yes. Wh‐Whatever.

Why are you two following me?

Oh, no problem. It's on our way.

‐What's on your way? ‐Wherever you're going.

That's the great kinda guys we are.

(hammering)

‐Oh, morning, sir. ‐What are you‐‐ What are you doing?

Get this thing out of my way!

I'm sorry, sir. This is closed.

Closed?

How can it be closed?

We're redecorating.

What kind of nonsense is this?

No, we're just trying to brighten up our lives, sir.

We had many complaints that the latrines lacked

any sort of aesthetic quality whatsoever,

and it's essential that we show the Koreans

democratic plumbing in action.

Does the colonel know about this?

Well, of course he does, sir.

He signed the papers himself.

Well what are we supposed to do

until the grand reopening?

Well, if you'll just step this way, sir,

we have a temporary officers' arrangement right over here.

This is it?

Well, there's more to it, sir.

(bucket clanging)

Ready, Pierce?

Hang on.

You got the full scam?

I get the stuff to HQ lab in Seoul,

wait for the report

and get back here as fast as I can.

‐Or it's? ‐My butt, sir.

All right.

Drive carefully.

‐Yes, sir. ‐Okay, go.

How long do you figure?

Two hours, tops.

Well, we can't let him near any patients

until we get that report.

Right. No patients.

And no Hot Lips.

HAWKEYE (narrating): Observe the female of the species.

Seemingly calm and detached,

her tiny G.I. bosom is beating wildly

because she senses the presence

of her frequent partner

the notorious red‐necked nose‐breather.

Uh‐oh. The signaling process has begun.

Eyeballs are exchanged,

and our khaki lovers

do their famous "Where will we meet today?" ritual.

It is almost impossible

for the uninitiated to discern any connection

between these two U. S. Army majors,

yet the trained observer will see

that what these two officers have in mind

is to arrange a bit of brass rubbing.

(whistling bird call)

Excuse me.

‐Uh, excuse me, sir. Sir? ‐Huh? Huh?

Uh, The colonel says that he'd like to see you

in his office immediately.

‐The‐The colonel? ‐Yes, sir.

He's really very upset about something

and wants you there right away.

‐Now? ‐Yes, sir. He said immediately.

It was imperative that you got there right away.

Oh!

(exhales)

I've been on fire all day.

Just the sight of you and I wanna do crazy things.

Okay, where do we start?

Oh, any way.

What are you doing here?

I'm taking a survey for the Peeping Toms of America.

You foul‐minded, dirty, sneaking, spying‐‐

Not only that,

but Dish wants you in post‐op on the double.

Oh! You haven't heard the last of this!

I bet I have.

Why‐Why would I send for you, Frank?

I would assume that if you sent for me,

you'd at least know why.

Well, I mean, I would too.

Why that certainly follows.

Excuse me.

‐Yes, sir? ‐Rada‐‐

Radar, Major Burns here says you said I said

I wanted to see him. Is that true?

Yes, sir.

Well, did I want to see him?

You must have, sir. Here he is.

Radar, are you tryin' to‐‐

Why would I wanna pull a fast one, sir?

Will you stop saying what I am thinking?

One of us has to.

Would you mind initialing these initials?

Why am I initialing these initials?

To authorize a stamp made with your initials, sir.

Oh.

It'll save you having to do so much initialing.

‐Uh‐huh. Good thinking. ‐Thank you.

Thank you.

Colonel, am I dismissed?

Hmm?

Oh. Yes, uh...

I think we've, um, just about covered it, Frank.

Covered what?

Whatever.

Come see us any time, sir.

But I didn't send for you, Major, really.

Then why did Pierce say you needed my help?

Everything's under control.

That's when this place is the most dangerous.

Sorry I couldn't meet you.

I was sent on a wild goose chase.

Hmm.

So was I.

Margaret, what's happening?

They're jealous, all of them jealous,

of our‐‐ our fine, almost spiritual relationship.

Oh, you're so right.

They want to keep us apart

because we're symbols of‐‐

of what a decent man and woman can mean to each other

without the tawdriness

that fills their sordid little affairs.

Yes, yes.

Take one step closer,

and I'll bite your chest right through your shirt.

Oh, Margaret.

Where can we go?

I'll check the vegetable bins.

Frank, it's 4:30. We have to go on hospital duty.

Eight whole hours before I can touch you?

There's always the coffee break.

It's 4:30.

Yeah...

All right, let's go.

Boone should be back any minute.

Any minute would be just fine.

‐You got 'em? ‐Yeah, I got 'em.

Hi, kids. Shall we make it a double date?

Just watch your tongue.

Can you say that in front of her?

Hey, Frank, we got a pretty light load in there today.

Why don't you let us handle it?

Oh, I carry my own weight.

We can't let you operate, Frank.

You look like an ad for death.

You can't?

The gall.

It's your liver, actually.

Think you'd better tell him.

We think you might have hepatitis, Frank.

What are you talking about?

We took a pint of blood outta you last night.

‐You what? ‐You took his what?

We drilled for blood, we gave it to the POW,

and now he shows every sign of serum hepatitis.

Well, it takes weeks for such symptoms to appear.

He probably came in here with it.

Yeah, maybe.

‐But who knows? ‐Yeah.

My gown, Major.

‐You're not going in there, Frank. ‐Oh, yes, I am.

No, Frank, you're a walkin' bug factory.

I'll deal with you two leeches after my shift.

Sergeant, do your duty.

Major.

Hey, what are you doing there?

Hey, get those off me, you maniac!

Quiet, please. This is a hospital.

Let me out of this!

‐Enjoy it while you can. ‐Easy, Frank.

We'll have your report back in no time.

Somebody!

Report? On my what?

I don't think we should tell him about that.

‐No, I don't think‐‐ ‐I'll have you broken.

There had better be a good reason for all this racket!

I want these two arrested immediately!

You always want these two arrested immediately.

Colonel, look at us!

Yeah, well, it looks a little silly,

I mean, without the music.

Look, if you have a good explanation for this,

I'll be a most attentive audience.

‐Sir? ‐HENRY: Yes?

Oh, uh, not you, sir.

This sir here, sir. Here, sir.

Unlock him. Lab report, Frank.

"All tests for hepatitis negative."

You can't win 'em all.

I told you so.

That POW came in here with it.

You stole a pint of my blood for nothing.

They what?

Maybe you'd know more about what going on in this camp

if you weren't so busy redecorating latrines.

Redecorating latrines? Well, I'm not‐‐

‐Radar, am I redecorating‐‐ ‐Later, sir.

Okay, folks. Visiting hours are over.

Uh‐oh. Bad news, Frank.

‐What? ‐You've got anemia.

‐Anemia? ‐Well, what do you expect

if you give a pint of blood when you're not ready for it?

Yeah, you should have checked with us first.

Yeah, you're too selfless, Frank.

Very good. What do you say, men?

Hiya, Frank. Hi, Pai.

Hi, guys.

How come the enemy talks to us and you don't?

You guys have a rough shift today?

Oh, bad enough.

But we didn't forget our star patient.

No hard feelings, Frank?

‐Well... ‐That's good,

because there's a heart transplant

we'd like to experiment with

and you're just the right type.

You‐‐

♪♪♪ (theme)