All language subtitles for UHF-English

Señor...

we must not go any further.

Look!

It is an ancient,
sacred Hovitos symbol.

It's certain death for
anyone who enters.

We must turn back...

now!

George.

Hello?

Earth to George.

George!

Are you daydreaming again?

No, no, I was just admiring how
clean and shiny this grill is.

Come on, George. We're busy here.

You know what the problem is?

Nobody here appreciates a
guy with a good imagination.

Well, at least not the
people at the lumber yard

or the miniature golf course
or Floyd's Fish Market,

or any of the other places you
worked in the last month, right?

Yeah. Well, someday...
someday they'll be sorry.

They'll be eating
breakfast or something

and all of a sudden, they'll say, "Hey!
We screwed up!

We never should have
fired George Newman

because he's got imagination."

Well, I think the fries
are just about done.

Aw, jeez, you better not
let Big Edna see that.

- She'll have a fit.
- Big Edna, Big Edna.

You sound like a broken record.

Why are you so afraid of
that pathetic tub of lard?

Whoa!

How could you do this to me?

I knew this was gonna happen.

You're right, Bob. I'm sorry.

What can I say?

I'm a miserable,
worthless hunk of slime.

Here.

I want you to take
this crowbar and...

just bash my head right in!

Go ahead, really. Please.
Just bash it right in!

George, you know I couldn't do that.

You still owe me five bucks.

Hey, Kuni.

Hiya, George.

Beginner's class today, huh?

Yeah. They're so stupid!

Oh!

Stupid!

Boy!

Look what I got here, Bob.

A twinkie-wiener sandwich!

Your favorite.

Come on, Bob. Cheer up, will you?

You ruined my life.

You know, Bob-o,

I think you're developing
a bad attitude here.

You see, Bob... you gotta
look at the big picture.

You gotta grab life by the lips

and yank as hard as you can!

See anything in the want ads?

Yeah. But nothing with the prestige
of working at Burger World.

So what do you think Teri's gonna say
when she hears you got fired again?

Teri? Oh, no. What time is it?

7:30? Oh boy, I gotta go.
I'll see you later, Bob.

Stupid!

So, what's your excuse this time?

Well, Bob and I were having

a serious discussion about
our various career options.

Boy, I really like what
you've done with your hair.

- It's really...
- George, did you get fired again?

Yes! Yes! It's all true!

I just don't know
what's wrong with me!

So, what's for dinner?

Mashed potatoes? My favorite!

Teri, you shouldn't have.

George!

When are you gonna start taking
things a little more seriously?

I mean, you've been
wandering aimlessly

from job to job ever
since I've known you.

If you could just get that
overactive imagination of yours

to work for you instead of
against you, maybe you could...

What are you doing?

This means something.
This is important.

Oh, George, that is just terrible.

But don't you worry,

you're a fine young man.

I'm sure you'll get
another job right away.

You got such a good face.

Look at this face.

Would you look at this face?

Is this a face you could die for?

So, where's Uncle Harvey?
I haven't seen him all night.

Oh, he'll be out soon.

I think he's having some sort of
last-minute business meeting.

Two pair, aces high.

Yeah, what?

Hey, Louie.

I just wanted to congratulate you,
Mr. Bilchik.

You did very well at the
track this afternoon.

Oh, yeah? I won again, huh?

Right. Yeah. Thanks, Louie. Bye.

Now, what are we doing here?

It's your deal, Harvey.

Oh, hi, honey.

Have you finished your meeting?

Oh, yeah, yeah,

and business was great tonight.

Harvey, have you been gambling again?

Hey! What are you complaining about?

This is for when you go
shopping on Rodeo Drive.

What's this?

Oh, that's the deed to Channel 62.

I won it with a pair of sevens.
I was bluffing.

Channel 62?

- Never heard of it.
- I'm not surprised.

More people watch the fish
tank at Leo's pet store.

It's a little UHF station
on the edge of town.

It's been on the brink
of bankruptcy for years.

- It's too bad I gotta dump it.
- Oh, really?

I kind of like the idea of us
having our own TV station.

Forget about it.

They can't even find anybody
to manage the place anymore.

Harvey, I know somebody
who'd be perfect for the job.

Oh, yeah? Who's that?

George! George, dear, can you
come over here for a second?

Oh, no.

No, not him. Forget it. No way.

I can't believe your Uncle Harvey's

letting you run his TV station.

Hey, he trusts me.

Besides, he's going to California.

He doesn't want to
be bothered with it.

Well, here we are.

This is it?

Wow, this is even
better than I imagined!

Come on. Let's go check it out.

I don't know, George.

I'm not so sure about this.

See? The front door's open.

It's a friendly place.

Hey, mister!

Change? You got change?

Oh... sure.

85...

95...

one dollar!

Thanks, mister.

Hello. I'm Mr. Ed.

A horse is a horse,
of course, of course

And no one can talk
to a horse, of course

That is, of course, unless the horse

Is the famous Mr. Ed

Go right to the source
and ask the horse

He'll give you the answer
that you'll endorse

He's always on a steady course

Talk to Mr. Ed

Can I help you?

Who are you?

I'm Philo.

Chief engineer.

So...

isn't it a little late
for you to be working?

I mean, what time do
you normally go home?

This is my home. I live here.

Hold these.

No, no, like this.

What are you doing?

Oh, I just want to
see if my interociter

can withstand a sudden
charge of 60,000 volts.

What?

Yeah...

it works.

Do do do do

Wee-oo, wee-oo

Do do do do

Do wah do wah...

I don't know about this, George.
I mean, I don't know the first thing

about what goes on at
a television station.

Don't worry, Bob. It's just
like working in a fish market,

except you don't have to
clean and gut fish all day.

Yeah, so? Can I help you?

Hi. I'm George Newman.

I'm the new station manager.

You know, when I first took this job,

they told me that this
position was only temporary

and that eventually,
when the time was right,

I would be moved up to news,
which is really my forte.

You know how long I've
been working here?

Two years!

It's kind of hard to get promoted

when every other week
you have a new boss!

This job really sucks.

And this is my friend Bob.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Howdy, friends. It's Crazy Ernie

from Crazy Ernie's Used Car Emporium.

It's a giant supermarket of cars!

I got so many cars people
come up to me and say,

"Hey, Crazy Ernie,
where'd you get all those cars?"

Lookie here! I got red cars,
I got green cars!

I got enough cars to choke a camel!

Tell you what, friends,

if nobody comes down and buys
a car from me in the next hour,

I'm gonna club this baby seal!

That's right! I'm gonna club
a seal to make a better deal!

You know I'll do it, too,

'cause I'm crazy! Ha ha ha!

Look at all the old reruns
this station is airing.

We could sure use
some more live shows.

I don't know, something like...

Oh, no!

You okay in there, Pam?

Yes. It's just if it's not
one thing, it's another.

You know, that mailman's
really got a screw loose.

He delivers us this package.
It's supposed to go to R.J. Fletcher.

Who?

R.J. Fletcher. He runs Channel 8,

you know, the network
affiliate downtown?

Oh, well, I guess I'll just have to
send it back to him tomorrow.

No. That's okay.
I-I'll take it over myself.

It'll be a good chance
to meet the competition.

You know, George, I'll tell you,

I don't really think
that's such a good idea.

I heard he's not the
nicest guy in the world.

Oh, come on.
He can't be all that bad.

You just gotta know how
to talk to those guys.

You idiot! Can't you do
anything I tell you to do?

Does this look like a No. 2 pencil?

- No. I just thought...
- You thought?

I don't pay you to think!

- But, Dad...
- Shut up!

Let's get back to the meeting.

All right, who's got
the research report?

I left the report on your desk, sir.

I don't see it.
When did you put it here?

Yesterday before I left, sir.

The janitor. It must
have been the janitor.

He probably threw it out when
he was cleaning up in here.

Send in the janitor.

I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.

I will not tolerate this kind
of behavior at Channel 8.

This is a business, not a home

for irresponsible pus-brains!

You wanted to see me, sir?

That's right.

I guess you know why
I called you in here.

Because you're lonely?

No, you moron.

Oh, duh.

Now, look carefully.

Do you see anything
missing from this desk?

That stapler?

No!

Now listen to me. There was a
very important file on this desk,

a file that represented two
months of intensive research.

It's my guess that you threw it out.

Oh, no, sir. No...

Were you in here
cleaning up last night?

Yes, sir... yes, sir, I was.

Do you see that file on my desk now?

Gee, I don't know.

I think I've proven my point.

You are a worthless
human being Mr....

Spadowski. Stanley Spadowski.

May I call you Stanley?

Okay.

Stanley, you're fired!

But I... I didn't...

Get out!

But I...

People are...

I can't believe the
incompetence in this place.

People like that should
be put to sleep.

Well, what do you know?

The research file.

Here it is. Been sitting
here all the time.

Betty, hold my calls.

Yes, Mr. Fletcher.

Hey, R.J.!

Hi! George Newman, U-62.

Say, nice place you got here.

You know, I was just thinking,
since we're both in the business...

Where'd you get this?

Do you realize that stealing
mail is a federal offense?

Hold on. You don't understand...

No, you don't understand
how serious a crime this is.

I think you'd just better clear
out your desk and get out.

You're through, mister.

But, I don't work here.

Trespassing, huh?

You've got 10 seconds to get
out before I call the police.

Look, I thought we could...

Five... four...

- three...
- Gee, look at the time.

Well, gotta go.

Keep in touch.

No. No. Please.
It's all I've got left!

Let go. This is station property.

No! No! It's my mop!

Let go!

Let go, you idiot!

That's my mop!

Not any more, buddy!

Hey, are you all right?

It's just not fair.

Come on, forget about it.
It's only a mop.

"Only a mop"? "Only a mop"?

Oh, you don't understand.

That mop was given to me for my
birthday when I was 8 years old.

We've never been apart!

Now...

now I don't even have a job anymore.

After 15 years, they just toss me out

like an old bag of moldy tangerines.

What am I gonna do?

What am I gonna do?

Well... maybe you could
come work for me.

Really? You mean it?

Sure. I guess we could use a janitor.

- Stanley Spadowski.
- George Newman.

I'm mighty glad to meet you, George.

I'm gonna do a really good job.
You won't be sorry.

I'm really gonna do a good job
for you, George. I'm a good janitor.

You want me to clean
your glasses for you?

- No, that's...
- I'll make them real shiny, real shiny.

'cause we're friends, George?
We're friends.

Nope.

Is this it?

Nope.

Is this it?

Nope.

- Is this it?
- No, George.

I can't delay the broadcast

because the mayor is supposed
to be coming out any minute.

Where is he?

No. I've looked all over.

I don't see a Noodles MacIntire.

MacIntosh at your service.

Yeah, George, never mind.
I think I found him.

Come on! Come on!

We go now live to U-62's
Pamela Finklestein

on the steps at City Hall.

Thank you. Hi.
Pamela Finklestein here.

Boy, it's quite a scene this morning

on the front steps of City Hall.

We're awaiting the emergence
of Mayor Thompson

from his annual city budget meeting.

I think he... oh yeah, here comes
the mayor now. Let's go over.

Maybe we can get a
few words out of him.

Oh!

Oh, did I do that?

Oopsie!

Noodles, those things are fragile.

You should be more careful.

Here he is now. I think
that we should be able...

Hey, sweetheart, take my advice.

Broads don't belong in broadcasting.

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

Hi. Richard Fletcher. Channel 8 news.

Yeah, but...

yeah, but...

"broads don't belong
in broadcasting"?

Is that the kind of professional
courtesy you teach your news department?

Why, that's just terrible.

I don't know how many times
I've told those boys

never call chicks "broads."

Why, you slimy... oh!

Hello, and welcome to town talk.

I'm George Newman,
and today our special guest

is local high school
shop teacher Joe Earley.

Joe, thanks for joining us.

Thank you, home boy.

Well, I see you've brought
some equipment with you today.

Would you mind giving us
a little demonstration?

Not at all.

There's only a few simple principles

you must bear in mind

before attempting to operate

a sophisticated piece
of machinery like this...

Table saw.

You know, lots of times,

when my students first learn to...

Whoa!

What?

Oh!

Do you believe this?

Oh, will you look at that?

Oh.

Just call me Mr. Butterfingers.

I think it's on the floor...

somewhere.

Oh.

Is my face red! Oh.

Honey, where's the spatula?

Okay, kids, let's go.

There's just one place to go

for all your spatula needs.

Spatula City! Spatula City!

A giant warehouse of
spatulas for every occasion.

Thousands to choose from in
every shape, size, and color.

And because we eliminate
the middleman,

we can sell all our spatulas
factory-direct to you.

Where do you go when you wanna
buy name-brand spatulas

at a fraction of retail cost?

Spatula City! Spatula City!

And, this weekend only, take advantage
of our special liquidation sale.

Buy 9 spatulas, get the 10th
one for just one penny.

Don't forget, they make
great Christmas presents.

And what better way
to say "I love you"

than with the gift of a spatula?

Spatula City! Spatula City!

Hello. This is Sy Greenblum,
president of Spatula City.

I liked their spatulas so much,
I bought the company.

Spatula City! Seven locations!

We're in the yellow
pages under "spatulas."

My! Where did you get
that lovely spatula?

Spatula city, we sell spatulas

And that's all

Hey, kids, where do you want to go?

To Uncle Nutzy's clubhouse.

That's right! I'm your Uncle Nutzy,

and, boy, oh, boy are we gonna have
some big fun today. Huh, kids?

Well, let's walk on over and see
who's in our Kiddie Corner.

- Hi. What's your name?
- Billy.

Billy what?

Okay.

You know who that is? That's right.

It's your pal, Bob-o the Clown! Yay!

Hey, Bob-o, wanna play a game?
Okay, look up. Look down.

Now look at Mr. Frying Pan.

Bob-o fall down, go boom.

Upsie-daisy.

Say, Bob-o, what's wrong?

Oh, I bet I know.
You're hungry, aren't you?

Well, I know just what you want.

Clowns and kids alike can't resist the
mouth-watering, lip-smacking taste

of Mrs. Hockenburger's
Butter Cookies.

Right, Bob-o?

That's right!

And, hey, Mom,

they're nutritious, too!

Just look at how much
Bob-o here likes them.

That's good.

And don't forget, kids,

there's a nifty surprise

inside every box of
Mrs. Hockenburger's...

Bob-o's been eating
Yappy's Dog Treats.

That's right, Yappy's Dog Treats.

Your dog will love that real
liver and tuna taste...

with just a hint of cheese.

Hi. Pamela Finklestein here,

coming to you with an interview
with Mr. Earl Ramsey.

Now, Mr. Ramsey is the
president of the local chapter

of the American Gun Association.

Mr. Ramsey, is it correct to assume

that your organization
is against gun control?

Gun control is for wimps and Commies.

Listen, let's get one thing straight.

Guns don't kill people.

- I do.
- Yes, well...

This is a special bulletin
from the U-62 news room.

Hi, Teri. It's George.

Happy Birthday.

Hey, how about if I take you
and your folks out to dinner?

I'll meet you at Cafe
Francais at 7:30, okay?

I love you.

Are you tired of sloppy,
cut-rate funerals?

You've tried the rest.
Now try the best.

The Plots-R-Us Mortuary Service.

Remember, there's always
plenty of free parking,

and don't forget to visit
our new salad bar.

Plots-R-Us,

eternal peace at affordable prices.

Dad-blamed Beverly Hills.

There ain't a possum shank to be
bought around here at any price.

What good is having $68,000,000?

I ask you!

Well, this morning is good for getting a
lot of papers signed for Mr. Drysdale.

You was doing that
when I left here...

Huh.

Now, lookie here, people

Listen to my story

A little story about a man named Jed

You know something

That poor mountaineer

They say he barely
kept his family fed

Now, let me tell you

One day he was shooting

Old Jed was shooting at some food

When all of a sudden

Right up from the ground there

Well, there came a bubbling crude

Oil, that is

Well, maybe you call it

Black gold or the Texas tea

He gonna move next
to Mr. Drysdale

And be a Beverly hillbilly

Before you know it

All the kinfolk are a-sayin'

"Yeah, buddy, move away from there"

That little Clampett got
his own cement pond

That little Clampett,
he's a millionaire

Now, everyone said

"Californy is the place
that you ought to be"

We got to load up
this here truck, now

We got to move to Beverly...

Hills, that is

Swimming pools

Move-a move-a movie stars

Huh

Look at that, look at that

Beverly

Beverly

"Beverly Hillbillies"

Y'all come back, now, hear?

Beverly, Beverly

"Beverly Hillbillies"

Beverly

Beverly

Beverly...

George?

Hey, George.

I finished polishing
all the doorknobs.

Is there anything else
you want me to do?

No, Stanley. That's okay.

It's getting pretty late.
Why don't you call it a night?

Oh... do I have to?

Yeah. Go on.
I'll see you in the morning.

Okay. I'll see you.

George, you know,
I was wondering, like...

like, if you were traveling
through outer space,

I mean, like, you're going real fast,
like the speed of light,

you know, and all of a sudden,
you started screaming,

Do you think that your
brain would blow up?

Guys, I'm trying to work.
Do you mind?

No, I... I don't mind.
Go... go right ahead.

Do you mind, George?

Would you care to order now?

Oh, yeah. I think we'll have the...

No, thank you. We'll wait.

Are you sure he knows
what restaurant we're at?

Well, I've got some good
news and some bad news.

Okay, give me the bad news first.

Well, given our present
financial situation,

compounded by ongoing fixed expenses

and outstanding invoices,

I figure this station will be flat
broke by the end of the week.

What's the good news?

I lied. There is no good news.

I never should have taken this job.

I should have known it would
turn out like all the others.

You know, for a short time there,

I really thought this
was gonna be different.

I just don't know anymore.

Well, at least I've still got Teri.

- What time is it?
- 9:30.

Oh, no!

Hello?

George Newman? You are a selfish,

thoughtless, insensitive creep,

and from now on, you can
forget all my birthdays

because we're through.

Hey, kids, where do you want to go?

That's right, to Uncle
Nutzy's Clubhouse.

And, boy, oh, boy,

are we gonna have big fun today.

We're gonna have so much fun,

we'll forget about
how miserable we are

and how much life sucks

and how we're all gonna
grow old and die someday.

- I wanna go home.
- Shut up, you little weasel.

Okay.

Right now I'd like to show you
one of my favorite cartoons.

It's a sad, depressing story
about a pathetic coyote

who spends every waking
moment of his life

in the futile pursuit of
a sadistic roadrunner...

who mocks him and laughs at him

as he is repeatedly
crushed and maimed!

Hope you enjoy it!

Hey, where are you going?

- I need a drink.
- You don't drink.

Yeah, but I've been meaning to start.

Wait a minute.

What about the rest of the show?

Watch out, Mr. Coyote!
Oh, that's terrible.

Hey, Stanley.

Yeah, George?

How would you like your own TV Show?

Okay.

You're on.

What are you doing? Are you crazy?

What?

- But, George, what about...
- Bob, it doesn't matter anymore.

It's over.

Yeah. We're watching it, too.

Yeah. I've never seen
anything like it.

Okay, I'll call you later.

Gentlemen, what can I get you?

Beer.

Blueberry daiquiri.

I'll tell you what, George.
Let's start fresh.

Start a whole new business.

Maybe we can borrow some money
from your Uncle Harvey.

Oh, right.

We just flushed his TV
station down the toilet.

I'm sure he'd be happy
to lend us money.

So I guess Teri's never going
to speak to you again, huh?

Hey, I didn't get an umbrella.

Look everybody! He's coming back on!

Hey, welcome back to "Stanley
Spadowski's Clubhouse."

Are you kids having a good time?

Yeah!

Hey, how about that cartoon?
That was a weird cartoon, wasn't it?

You know, that cartoon, it reminds
me of a dream I had last week.

I turned into a bird
with a candy-bar head.

And there were these
other birds, you know,

they were all trying to eat my head and
everything, but I got away from them.

Then there was this tree, you know,

and there was this weird
lizard, you know...

what the...

ooh!

Oh.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Oh!

I wa... I wanna show you something...

I want to show you something.

This is my new mop.

George, my friend,
he gave me this mop.

It's a pretty good mop.
It's not as good as my first mop.

I miss my first mop,
but this is still a good mop.

Sometimes you just have to
take what life gives you

'cause life is like a mop,

and sometimes life gets
full of dirt and crud

and bugs and hairballs and stuff.

You... you... you gotta clean it out.

You... you gotta put it
in here and rinse it off

and start all over again and...

and sometimes, sometimes life
sticks to the floor so bad,

you know, a mop... a mop,

it's not good enough...
it's not good enough.

You... you gotta get down there,
like, with a toothbrush, you know,

and you gotta...
you gotta really scrub.

You gotta get it off!
You gotta really try to get it off.

But if that doesn't work, if that
doesn't work, you can't give up.

You gotta... you gotta
stand right up,

you gotta run to a window, and say,

"Hey! These floors are dirty as hell

and I'm not gonna take it anymore!"

- Yeah!
- His truth is marching on.

Yes, ma'am. That's right.
Stanley Spadowski.

I don't think that he's married, no.

Well, I think that he
went to Harvard.

I'll see you kids later.

Hi, George. Well,
I finished with the TV show.

What do you want me to do now?

Did you have a good
time in there, Stanley?

Yeah! Oh, boy, it was fun.

Great! How'd you like
to do it every day?

Yeah! That would be nea...

wait a minute.

Do I still get to be the janitor?

Sure.

Oh, okay. It's a deal.

Well, I'm gonna go
clean the bathroom.

Okay, kids, where do you want to go?

To "Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse"!

Yay!

Great.

All right, it's a deal. Thanks a lot.

Okay, talk to you later.

George, wait till you hear this.

"Stanley Spadowski's
Clubhouse" is sold out

for the next three months.

The sponsors love him.

You know, if we had a
few more shows like this,

we'd really be in business.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that.

I've been working on some new ideas.

Tell me what you think.

Today, one of these lucky contestants

will win his or her weight in fish

right here on...

"Wheel of Fish"!

Okay, let's play the game.

We'll start with yesterday's winner,

Miss Phyllis Weaver.

Are you ready, Weaver?

I sure am, Kuni.

Okay, you get over there
and spin the Wheel of Fish.

Go ahead.

Give it a big spin!

Come on, big fish!

Come to Mama! Come on!

Oh...

a red snapper.

Very tasty.

Okay, Weaver, listen carefully.

You can hold onto your red snapper

or you can go for what's in the box

that Hiro-san is bringing
down the aisle right now!

What's it gonna be?

Box! Fish!

I'll take the box! The box!

You took the box!

Let's see what's in the box!

Nothing!

Absolutely nothing!

Stupid! You're so stupid!

Hello.

My name is Philo,

and welcome to...

"Secrets of the Universe."

Today we are going to
learn to make plutonium

from common household items.

Hey, man. This is Raul Hernandez,

and welcome to...
Raul's Wild Kingdom,

coming to you live from my apartment.

How about that, huh?

Okay, first thing
we're gonna do today

is check out the wonderful
world of turtles.

This is my friend Tommy.

Tommy, say hello to the nice people.

Hello. Ha! Isn't he great, huh?

Okay, so, the turtle is a
member of the reptile family,

and he's got this hard,
protective shell

which keeps predators away,

also provides him with his
own home when he sleeps.

Oh, and he's got these
tiny, teeny little legs

which makes him move real slow.

And not too many people know this,

but the turtle is also nature's
suction cup. Watch this.

Did you see that? It sticks! Ha!

Okay. Oh yeah.
What else I got for you?

Yeah, check this out.

This is my ant farm.
Now, ants are amazing.

They can carry 50 times
their own weight,

and they work for weeks and weeks

building these intricate
little tunnels.

And, oh, yeah, they hate
it when you do this.

Oh, look!

They're really mad now.

Where did you find this guy?

Me? I thought you hired him.

For those of you just joining us,

today we're teaching
poodles how to fly.

Come here, come here, Foofie.

Foofie, are you psyched?

Are you ready? Okay.

Here we go.

Get ready and fly!

Oh, man.

You know, sometimes it
takes them a little longer

to learn how to do it right.

Okay, come on, come on,
come on, shut up, shut up.

Hey, hey. Who's next? Gigi.

Oh, man!

Hi. This is Teri.
I'm not home right now,

so leave a message and I'll get
back to you as soon as I can.

Teri, I'm sorry!

Come on, give me one
more chance, please!

Come on, Teri!

Teri! Oh, oh! I'm in hell!

I'm in hell! Teri!

Teri, pick up the phone!

Pick up the phone! Pick up the phone!

Oh! Oh, Teri!

Please!

Oh, Teri!

Richard, you shouldn't have.

Happy Father's Day, Dad.

What is this piece of crap?

I thought I told you
I wanted a Rolex!

A Rolex!

- What?
- Sir?

What do you want?

I just thought I ought to tell you, sir,
there's a lot of talk in the street

about this Channel 62.

They're starting to get a
pretty strong following.

Excuse me? Did you say Channel 62?

Do I have to remind you that
we are a network affiliate?

And we're in competition
with other networks,

not with a bunch of punks
broadcasting out of a closet!

- But, sir...
- Do you enjoy wasting my time?

Get out of my office!

And take that ridiculous thing off!

What's that mean? What's that mean?

We got a winner!

We got a winner!

Oh, Joel Miller,

you just found the
marble in the oatmeal.

You're a lucky, lucky,
lucky little boy.

'Cause you know why?

You get to drink from the fire hose!

Yippee-ei-a

So much fun. So much fun.

- Okay, you ready?
- Yeah!

Open wide!

Whoa ho ho!

Joel Miller! Let's hear it for him!

- Raul Hernandez?
- Yeah.

Got the delivery here
for your next show.

Oh, great. What you got?

Well, let's see, I got one
aardvark, one flamingo,

four porcupines,
two armadillos, three badgers.

Badgers?

Badgers?

We don't need no stinking badgers!

Never before in the history
of motion pictures

has there been a screen presence

so commanding, so powerful,

so deadly.

He's Conan the Librarian.

Can you tell me where I can
find a book on astronomy?

Don't you know the
Dewey decimal system?

Conan the Librarian.

I'm sorry.

These books are a little overdue.

Conan the Librarian.

Tonight, only on U-62.

This is pretty good water...

tastes like poop.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna
eat some corn flakes.

These are good corn...

whoa!

"Free toy inside." "Free toy inside."

Let's find it.

Don't let your mom
know that you do this.

I want to find the toy.

Oh, look! It's a toy man.

It's a toy man.

Hey. Wanna go for a ride?

Oh, boy! Is it fun?

Here, I'll just tie this
around your waist.

Oh... wait a minute!
No, I'll show you.

I don't want to go...

Stop! Stop!

Wasn't that fun?

Oh, stop! I'm dizzy!
No, let's go again.

Okay. How's this for our
new Friday night line-up?

8:00, "Druids On Parade,"

then "The Volcano Worshipers' Hour,"

followed by "Underwater
Bingo for Teens"

and "Fun with Dirt."

Why not?

Get this. I get a call this morning

from a guy who says he
can swallow his own face.

Can you believe that? I...

Bob?

- What you got there?
- The ratings.

Don't tell me we actually
showed up on the list.

We're number one.

Say what?

W-we beat out the networks.

Th-this is unbelievable.
Look at these numbers.

We've got three shows
in the top five.

"Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse"
went through the roof.

He got a 60 share!
Do you know what this means?

We're finally gonna
have some real money.

George, we're the number
one station in town.

There's lots of fun coming your way

this weekend on U-62.

First, slam your way to health

as you "Stay fit!"
With Mike and Spike.

Next, everybody's favorite,
Chef Bernie invites you to go...

"Bowling for Burgers"!

Sunday, be a part of the excitement

as we premiere our
dazzling new game show

"Strip solitaire"!

And then join us for some
hilarious fun on the all-new

"Practical Jokes and Bloopers"!

And you won't want to miss
"Celebrity Mud Wrestling,"

with this week's special guest,
Mikhail Gorbachev.

Whoa!

It's a whole new weekend on U-62,

the reason television was invented.

Be there! Huh huh, yah.

This is indeed a sad
day for Channel 8.

We've been number one in this
town for the past 10 years

and now our sponsors are
pulling their accounts.

We're losing valuable
advertising revenue.

We're losing credibility
in the market.

And, why?

Because of some
fly-by-night UHF station!

A UHF station!

This is an embarrassment, a disgrace!

What do you think R.J. Fletcher, Sr.
would be saying if he were alive today?

"Help, let me out of this box.
I can't breathe in here.

Help. Let me out."

We've gotta do something.

We've gotta do it fast.

Who owns that station, anyway?

Let me be your hog

Let me be your hog, now...

I said, baby, baby, baby

baby, baby, baby...

Yo! Heh, heh.

Hey, Big Louie. What's happening?

Bad news, Mr. Bilchik.

None of your horses came in.

Oh, that's too bad.

So, what's the damages, huh?

$75,000.

Oh, excuse me, Louie.

I think I got a little
water in the phone here.

How much did you say that was again?

$75,000.

I'll be expecting
payment in two days.

Two days?

Hey, listen, Louie.

I might need a little
bit more time, huh?

Friday night, 10:00.

75,000 in cash.

I'm dead meat.

- Yeah, what?
- Mr. Bilchik?

This is R.J. Fletcher.

Can I help you?

No, thanks. Just taking
a few measurements.

Wait a minute. I think I
missed something here.

Oh, didn't I tell you?

I own this place now.

You what?

What's the matter, kid,
you got wax in your ears?

But my uncle Harvey...

Harvey Bilchik is flying in
tonight to close the deal.

I don't believe this.

- Hold this, kid.
- George, do something.

Hey! W-wait a minute.

Don't you already own Channel 8?

I mean, isn't it illegal to own two
television stations in the same town?

Oh...

really?

Gee...

I guess I'll have to turn this
place into a parking lot.

Toodle-oo! Ha ha ha!

Harvey, I still don't understand

what this is all about.

I told you, I just gotta wrap
up a little business deal,

and I'll be back in a few days

and I'll tell you about it then?

You take care of yourself, you hear?

- Bye.
- Bye.

Hello?

Oh, hi, George.

It's so good to hear from you.

How's everything?

He what?

Harvey Bilchik, get in here!

Uncle Harvey, at least
give me a chance

to match his offer.

Well, let me worry about

where I'm going to come
up with the money.

Yeah. 75,000 in cash by Friday night.

10:00. Yeah, I got it.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, bye.

Oh, George,

where are you gonna come up
with that kind of money?

Yeah, and what are you
gonna do about Fletcher?

Fletcher...

yeah, I wouldn't put
anything past that guy.

If there were only some way
we could keep an eye on him.

Continental flight 414 now arriving

from Los Angeles at gate seven.

Hey.

Harvey.

Harvey Bilchik.

Great to see you. R.J. Fletcher.

- Did you have a good flight?
- Yeah.

- Want some peanuts?
- No, thank you.

Mr. Bilchik,
while you're here in town,

I want to make sure that
you're very comfortable.

Anything special you want,
you just let me know.

Now... what do you say we
take care of a little business?

I've got all the cash right here.

And as soon as you sign these,

- we can start celebrating.
- Yeah, well, listen...

I-I-I gotta talk to you about that.

What? What's wrong?

Well, you see, the thing is, that,

I promised George that
I'd give him a chance

to get all the money by Friday night.

What are you talking about?
We had a deal!

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that,

but it's just something I had to do.
Don't worry about it.

There's no possible way

that kid can come up
with 75,000 bucks

in two days.

George Newman.

He starts where the others stop.

Sex with furniture...
what do you think?

The world watched in amazement
as he unlocked the mysteries

of Al Capone's glove compartment.

Aha!

Road maps!

He blew the lid off Satanism.

Look, all I was trying to say...

Oh, shut up, you pinhead!

You make me sick!

Sometimes shocking,

always controversial,
he deals with topics

that the other talk shows
are afraid to touch.

He pries, he pokes, he digs deep.

He gets the answers.
He gets the facts.

And most of all, he gets the ratings.

Lesbian Nazi hookers abducted by UFOs

and forced into
weight-loss programs...

all this week on "Town Talk."

George, what's the matter?

Stanley, you don't wanna know.

Well...

why'd I ask?

Is there something I can do to help?

Not unless you've got $75,000.

Let's see...

no, sorry.

This is ridiculous.

There must be something I could do.

The U-62 telethon is on the air!

Hey, Dad,

you'd better turn on Channel 62.

Something funny's going on.

Now, we're not asking for donations.

What we are doing
is offering this town

a unique business opportunity.

This is one share of
stock in Channel 62.

Our goal over the next day and a half

is to sell 7,500 of these

at $10 apiece.

If we succeed, then the station
will belong to all of us.

Now, I'm calling out an SOS!

"Save Our Station."

We got volunteers right over here.
They'll be taking your money.

They're gonna be working
around the clock for two days

until every share is sold.

What do you say, kids? Can we do it?

I think it's time you boys paid

our Mr. Spadowski a little visit.

Yeah, I'm calling you on
behalf of our station.

We're having this telethon.
We're trying...

we're really raising a lot of
money here for the channel.

We'd really appreciate
it if you could help us.

Well, you...
bring your dogs down here.

I'll wash them for you.

Huh?

Well, so far, guys,

your response has
really been incredible,

but we've still got a long way to go.

Remember, when you buy stock in U-62,

you're not only helping
yourself and your community...

You're doing great, Stanley.

Now, remember,
you gotta pace yourself.

You got a long way to go
before tomorrow night.

Yeah, I can do it,
George. I can do it.

All right, now, just take it easy.

- Is there anything I can get you?
- Some Play-Doh.

Okay.

No, no, no, George,
get me some bubbles,

- some real big bubbles.
- I'll see what I can do.

Who is it?

Got a pizza here for
Mr. Stanley Spadowski.

Pizza? For me? Oh, boy!

I like peppers.

But I love anchovies

because they're real fishy.

Sometimes I just like to get a pizza

with nothing on it but anchovies.

No peppers or olives or onions.

Just anchovies 'cause they're good.

So, are we going to kill him?

No. The boss just wants us
to keep him on ice for a while.

Easy, easy.

Hey, wait a minute.

You guys aren't from the pizza place.

Oh, George! George,
you've got to do something.

Every minute that Stanley's not
on the air, we're losing money.

Yeah. Listen, just stall
as long as you can.

- I'm sure he'll turn up.
- Okay.

- What did the police say?
- They're doing everything they can.

I'm telling you, George,
Fletcher's behind this. I just know it.

Okay. I'm thinking of something...

orange.

Something orange.

Orange.

You give up?

It's an orange. Get it?

This is fun, huh?

Okay. Now I'm thinking
of something...

blue.

Something blue.

Let me kill him.

Please, let me kill him.

What?

Wh... what?

Oh...

what?

Don't you like "Bonanza"?

Okay, Philo, go to commercial.

Next week on U-62...

He's back,

and this time, he's mad.

"Gandhi II"!

No more Mr. Passive Resistance.

He's out to kick some butt.

This is one bad mother

you don't wanna mess with.

Yah!

Don't move, slimeball.

He's a one-man wrecking crew.

But he also knows how to party.

Give me a steak, medium rare.

Hey, baldy!

There is only one law...

his law.

"Gandhi II"!

Hey, mister!

Change? You got change?

Do you mind? Get out of my way.

Hey, come on.
Can't you help a guy out?

Anything.

Don't spend it all in one place.

I can't believe it!

Oh, thanks, mister.

Thanks a lot!

Mr. Fletcher?

May I speak to you for a moment?

Personnel's that way, young lady.

No, I'm not here about a job.

I'd like to talk to
you about Channel 62.

Channel 62? Oh, yes.

My demolition team is looking forward

to turning it into a rubble
heap Saturday morning.

Wait a minute.

Will you please just listen?

George Newman has
turned that little station

into something this
community cares about.

George Newman is
a two-bit little punk

who should never have stuck
his nose where it didn't belong.

And if he sent you here
to try to make a deal...

George doesn't know I'm here.

Look, it just seems to me that

there's more than enough room
for both of you in this town.

Besides, a little competition

is always good for the community.

The community?
Let me tell you something.

This community means
about as much to me

as a festering bowl of dog snot.

You guys?

Hey, you guys!

The blindfold fell off.

You better come fix it.

I didn't mean for it to... whoa!

Hey, my shirt glows in the dark!

Will you shut him up?

Oh, I got an itch. I got an itch.

I got an itch. I got an itch.

I got an itch. I got an itch.

- I got an itch, I got an itch.
- Stanley.

I don't want to have
to tell you this again.

Shut up.

You're making us nuts.

Now...

I got three guys out here

that would love to
cut your tongue out,

but I don't want them to do that.

I told them that in
another couple of hours

this whole thing will be over,.

So, Stanley, be nice.

My mop!

Freeze!

- Hey!
- Get him!

- He's getting away!
- Let's get him!

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Get out of my way!

Not gonna get me.

Yeah.

Stanley.

Don't move, Spadowski.

Don't even breathe.

Wh-what are we gonna do now?

I'll handle this.

Ooh!

Whoa.

Oh.

Oh, boy!

Who is this guy?

I'm your worst nightmare.

Listen, I can see you
guys are pretty busy.

How about if I just come back later?

Forget it, pal.

We're all going for a little ride.

Oh. Well, we'll have
to take your car.

Mine's a two-seater.

Just shut up, kid.

You know, you really
botched things up.

If you hadn't stuck your
face in our business...

we'd all be going home real soon.

But now I'm gonna have to take you

and your friend out of commission...

for good.

Redrum!

Redrum!

What was that? Hold on.

- I thought I heard something.
- What?

- I don't know. I just thought...
- Supplies!

Hey, everybody, they're back.

Yeah!

Dee dee

Dee dee du dee dee

Da da dee dee

Da dee dee...

Friends,

there comes a time
in every man's life

where he has to look
the potato of injustice

right in the eye.

There's a powerful evil
force in the universe.

And it lives at Channel 8.
And I've seen it,

and I don't want it to pop its ugly,
greasy head around here,

- do you?
- No!

- I can't hear you!
- No!

- I can't hear you!
- No!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

All right, say it again.

- No!
- All right!

And now a special report

from the owner and general
manager of Channel 8,

R.J. Fletcher.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I come before you tonight

to speak on a matter

which is of grave concern to us all.

I want to show you

how one small television station

can single-handedly
disrupt and destroy

the moral fiber of
an entire community.

The following may upset you.

It may even shock you.

But I feel it is my duty
as a concerned citizen

to bring you this important message.

This community means
about as much to me

as a festering bowl of dog snot.

You think I care about the
pea-brained yokels of this town?

If you took their combined
IQ and multiplied it by 100,

you might have enough
intelligence to tie your shoe,

if you didn't drool all
over yourself first.

I can't stand those
sniveling maggots.

They make me want to puke.

But there is one good
thing about broadcasting

to a town full of mindless sheep...

I always know I've got them

exactly where I want them.

$73,000!

We just hit the $73,000 mark!

Okay, Mouseketeers, come on.

We can do it. Woo!

What do you say, stranger?

Teri.

What are you doing here?

I thought you never
wanted to see me again.

Well, whatever gave you that idea?

Well, I think my first
clue was when you said

you never wanted to see me again.

Oh. Well, George...

no matter what happens tonight,

I just want you to know
that I'm so proud of you.

Uncle Harvey.

Listen, we'll definitely
have the money for you,

it just may take a few minutes
longer than we expected.

Look, kid, if it was up to me,

I'd let you have all the time
you wanted, but you know,

Big Louie is a very punctual kind
of guy, you know what I mean?

I wouldn't wanna keep him waiting.

Whoa, whoa.

Okay, okay. I know
a lot of you people

probably like to wait
till the last minute.

Well, this is it!
This is the last minute!

What are you doing here?

You're disturbing the peace. Come on.

Out of the way.
Why aren't you home in bed?

Get out of here.

Stand back. Out of my way.

Look out.

Aw!

This party is over, Mr. Newman.

You can say that again.

Okay, Fletcher...

you win. Give me the money.

Settle down.

All in good time, Mr. Bilchik.

What, are you crazy?
Give me the money!

Please, if you don't mind,

there are a few things I'd
like to say to these people

before this transaction takes place.

What?

Dear friends,

I'm sure that one day you'll realize

that by shutting down

this hotbed of subversive activity...

Hey, mister!

Not now, okay?

I was just wondering if it's too late

to buy any of them shares.

I'll take whatever you got left.

- How much is that?
- $2,000.

Keep the change.

I have decided not to tear
down the building after all.

I am going to turn
it into a laundromat.

Mr. Big Louie, sir?

My uncle Harvey wanted
you to have this.

$75,000. It's all there.

Now let me tell you something...

Uncle Harvey.

Hey, what's going on here?

Now, wait just one minute!
What do think you're doing?

We did it! The station's ours!

- Wow, look at that!
- You can't do this!

We had an agreement, remember?
An oral contract.

I'll sue.

Oh, blow it out your ear, scuzbag.

R.J. Fletcher?

- So what if I am?
- I'm John Vickers, F.C.C.

I've noticed your
that station is late

in filing its license
renewal this year.

Now, normally, this kind of violation

is punishable by a stiff fine,

but I've been watching you lately.

You made a big impression on me.

Yeah, I'm revoking your license.

Effective immediately,
you're off the air.

Hi, Pamela Finklestein here

coming to you with the most
incredible turn of events.

Not only has the once-powerful
corporate broadcasting giant

been thoroughly crushed and defeated,

but now, as luck would have it,

they've been completely stripped
of their license by the F.C.C.!

What do you have to say about it,
you worthless, slobbering pig?

Dad? Where's my dad?

What's going on here? Whoa!

Oh, did I do that?

Oopsie!

Dad!

Philo!

Hey, you really went beyond the call
of duty on this one, pal. Thanks.

I'm glad to have been
of service, George.

Well, i-i-it appears my work
on this planet is complete.

I must now return to my home

on the planet Zarkon.

Okay. Well, have fun.

Hey, nice going, kid.

I didn't know you had it in you.

- You're okay.
- Thanks, Uncle Harvey.

- Have a nice flight back to the coast.
- Thanks.

- Say hi to Aunt Esther for me.
- Sure will.

Excuse me.

Aren't you R.J. Fletcher?

Yes! Ooh!

Yeah!

Hey, Stanley, congratulations.
You really pulled us through.

George, I want you to know that I'm
mighty proud to be a part of your team.

Well, I'm mighty proud
of you, too, Stanley.

In fact, I'd like to present you
with a small token of my gratitude.

A trophy.

That... that's me?

"Stanley... World's greatest janitor

and TV Star."

Aw, George,

I never had anybody give
me a trophy before.

It's... it's big.

George, you're my best
friend in the whole world.

I'm gonna go show
everybody right now.

Hey, everybody,

look at what George gave me!

Hey! Hey, I know you.

You're the guy that gave me

that 1955 double-die
Denver mint penny.

Oh, ho, ho, thanks a lot, mister.

That thing was worth a fortune.

When I cashed it in,

I got enough money to buy
a whole bunch of shares,

plus I got me a real neat watch.

It's a Rolex. See?

George?

You know those dreams
you're always having?

Yeah?

Well, do you think
that maybe sometime

I could be part of them?

Honey, from now on,

you're gonna be in all of 'em.

Oh, George.

Darlin', let's leave
this place right now.

Let's go this very minute.

No, dear, please.
Let's wait till tomorrow.

But why? Why?

Because tomorrow is another day.

I knew she was going to say that.

Put down your remote control

Throw out your "TV Guide"

Put away your jacket

There's no need to go outside

Don't you know that we
control the horizontal?

We control the vertical, too

We gonna make a couch
potato out of you

That's what we're going to do now

Don't change the channel

Don't touch that dial

We got it all on UHF

Kick off your sneakers

Stick around for a while

We got it all on UHF

Don't worry about your laundry

Forget about your job

Just crank up the volume
and yank off the knob

- We got it all
- We got it all

We got it all

On UHF

Disconnect the phone

Now, leave the dishes in the sink

You better put away your homework

Prime time ain't no time to think

All you do is make
yourself a TV dinner

Press your face right
up against the screen

We gonna show you things
you ain't ever seen

If you know what I mean, now

Don't change the channel

Don't touch that dial

We got it all on UHF

Kick off your sneakers

Stick around for a while

We got it all on UHF

Don't worry about your laundry

Forget about your job

Just crank up the volume
and yank off the knob

- We got it all
- We got it all

We got it all

On UHF

Ahh ahh

Ahh ahh

You can watch us all day,
you can watch us all night

You can watch us
anytime that you please

You can sit around and
stare at the picture tube

Till your brain turns
into cottage cheese

Well, now

Don't change the channel

Don't touch that dial

We got it all on UHF

Kick off your sneakers

Stick around for a while

We got it all on UHF

Don't worry about your laundry

Forget about your job

You got to crank up the volume

Yank off the knob

- We got it all
- We got it all

We got it all

On UHF

We got it all on UHF

UHF

We got it all on UHF

UHF

We got it all on UHF

UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

UHF

We got it all on UHF

UHF

We got it all on UHF

UHF

We got it all on UHF

UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all on UHF

We got it all.