All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S01E17.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP5.1.x264-NOGRP.en

TED:
When your Uncle Marshall
was ten years old,

he read a book called
Life Among the Gorillas.

It was written
by an anthropologist

named Dr. Aurelia
Birnholz-Vazquez,

and it told the story
of the year she spent living

among the Western Lowland
Gorillas of Cameroon.

When Dr. Birnholz-Vazquez came
to the local community college

to give a lecture, Marshall,

the youngest member
of the audience,

raised his hand
with a question.

Mmm.

What advice do you have

for a budding anthropologist?

So you want to be
an anthropologist?

Yep. When I grow up,
I want to go

live with the gorillas,
just like you did.

What she said next
changed his life.

Oh, that's wonderful,

but I'm afraid you can't.

They'll all be dead by then.

...and if economic sanctions
and trade restrictions

aren't enforced,
the destruction

of the rainforests
will continue

and over a million species
will be wiped out.

So you don't want coffee?

I'm saying that
the coffee industry

is causing irreversible...
All right.

I'm pouring it out.

Okay, one cup.

The kid needs to be alert.

First day on the job
and everything.

I still can't believe you're
going all corporate on us.

"The kid" has become "the man."

Okay, it's just
an internship

to make a little money.

After law school, I'm still
going to work for the NRDC.

They're gonna stop
global warming.

TED:
Well... I mean...
they did their best.

Here's your sack lunch.

(laughing)

Okay, I love you because,

one, you made me a sack lunch

and two, you laugh every time
you say the word "sack.

I love you, Marshmallow.

I love you too,
Marshmallow.

Uh-oh.

Ted?

Oh, no. No, she didn't.

Yeah. Yeah, she did.

Another care package?

Another care package.

I'd been in
a long-distance relationship

with Victoria
for nearly a month.

Long-distance relationships
are a bad idea.

How many is
that so far?

Three.
And how many

have you sent her?

In the mail or in my mind?

Zero. She's up three-zip.

Oh! Cupcakes!

Great. I bet
they're delicious, too.

Yup, they're delicious.

Damn it!

I don't deserve
these delicious cupcakes.

God, I hate myself right now.

God, that is
so me at 15.

Marshall was going to work

for a big corporation
called Altrucel.

Altrucel was most well-known

for making the yellow
fuzzy stuff

on the surface
of tennis balls.

I mean, this
was a huge company,

so they did other things...

But mostly
they wanted the public

to focus
on the yellow fuzzy stuff.

Anyway, Marshall managed
to score an internship

in their legal department

because he knew someone
who worked there.

(phone ringing)

Go for Barney.

Mr. Stinson, this is Willis

from lobby security.

Sorry to bother you,
but we've had reports

of a sasquatch loose
in the building.

A sasquatch?

That's right, sir, a Bigfoot.

We don't want to alarm you,

but he's been spotted
on your floor.

Yes!

Look at you.

You suited

in an unmistakably
upward direction.

Whoa. That is

a butt-load of
motivational posters.

Yeah, hell, yeah.

I got 'em all:
Teamwork,

Courage, Awesomeness...

There's one for
awesomeness?

Yeah, I had it made.

Sit.

Hey, so, now that
I'm working here,

are you finally going to tell me
exactly what your job is?

(laughs) Please.

My dawg!

My dawg!

Hey, Blauman, Bilson,
this is Marshall.

These guys are in legal.

You're gonna be
working with them.
Marshall Eriksen.

Nice to meet you.

Nice tie. Steak sauce.

Oh, steak sauce!
For true, though.

Where, I don't, I don't see...

Marshall? Sidebar.

Your tie is steak sauce.

It means A-1.
A-1? Get it?

Try to keep up.

Okay, Eriksen,
let's get to work.

It's 2:00 a.m.
It's raining outside.

Ding-dong!
What? The doorbell?

Oh, hello, Jessica Alba
in a trench coat

and nothing else.

But wait...
knock, knock.

Somebody's at
the back door?

I don't have
a back door.

Oh, my gosh,

Jessica Simpson?

What a surprise.

Two Jessicas,
you gotta pick one.

What do you do? Go.

Right. Well, uh...

I'm engaged, so...

Fiancee's out of town.

What do you do? Go.

We're still engaged,
even if she's...

Okay, fiancee's dead.

Hit by a bus.
What do you do?

Go.

Mmm.
Mmm.

Sure you don't want one?

How many of those
have you eaten?

Four. Teen.

No, just four.

And the icing from two more.

Mmm.
So,

anyway, here's the problem.

Hey, it's Ted.

Um, I guess you're asleep.

Anyway, I got
the care package,

and it's just great.

Here, listen...

Mmm. Mmm!

So I'm standing there,

my mouth full of this delicious
relationship-winning cupcake...

Mm-hmm.

And... I said something dumb.

Oh, and, um... don't worry:
yours is in the mail.

I sent it a couple days ago.

And it's awesome.

Really, really awesome.

Why did I say that?

I think frosting makes me lie.

Oh, Teddy boy.

Yeah. So now,
whatever I send her,

she'll know I sent it
after I talked to her.

So that's the problem.

You work on that.

I'm gonna eat this cupcake.

All right, here's what you do:

Put together a care package
of stuff from New York...

some H&H bagels, an Empire
State Building keychain...

and then, top off the package
with a New York Times...

Ready? From three days ago.

That's brilliant.

You're brilliant.

You know,

it's funny, not so long ago,

I was coming
to Marshall and Lily

for advice
on how to impress you.

That is funny.

And here's why it was funny.

Little did I realize,
a few weeks earlier,

here's what Robin was saying
to Lily about me.

Okay, fine, I have
feelings for him.

Now it's ironic,
the girl

I used to like is helping me
impress the girl I now like.

The irony is clear, Ted.

Hey! How was your first day?

I don't wanna talk about it.

The guys I work with
are a bunch of jerks.

What?

They're jerks!

What makes them jerks?

Forget it, I don't want
to talk about it.

Well, like today at lunch...

What do you got
there, Ericksen?

Mommy pack your lunch?

(laughing)

For your information,
my fiancee did.

Oh... Does she cut the crusts
off your sandwich, too?

No.

What's that?

Nothing.

Give it.
"Dear Marshmallow.

"Good luck today.

"I wuv you.

Lilypad."

Give it.

P.S. If you've
unfolded this note,

"your kiss already got out.

Quick... catch it."

Give it back. Hey, give it.

Gimme... Give it!

Oh, screw those guys!
We're adorable.

I know. God.

It's like freshman year
all over again.

Only this time,
my sweet dance moves

aren't going to be enough
to win them over.

Not even Old Reliable.

Sweetie...

It would be cool to
have some extra money,

but, but, if you're unhappy,

it's not worth it.

I quit.

What? No.

We're having so much fun.

You, me, working together.
It's great.

We're not even working
together, Barney.

I'm in the legal
department and you're...

Seriously, what is it
that you do?

Please.

I'm sorry, dude,

this corporate thing,
it's just... it's not for me.

Oh, of course it's not for you.

It's for Lily.

What?

Marshall. Lily's a catch.

But do you really think

you're going to hang
onto a girl that great

without the package?

The package?

The package. The house. The car.

Sending your kids
to a great school.

A vacation once in a while.

Lily doesn't care
about that stuff.

Well, no... now she doesn't,

but how's she going to feel
in a couple years,

when she's supporting you

on a kindergarten
teacher's salary

while you're off in court
defending some...

endangered...

South American...

flying beaver.

She'll be happy.

Okay.

But will you be happy

knowing you could
have made her a lot happier.

And all four

are totally naked.
You gotta choose one.

What do you do? Go.

I guess, uh...

Bea Arthur.

Ahh! Wrong!

Betty White.

Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.

So did she get
the awesome care package yet?

Yep. Yesterday.

Did she love it?

Ooh, she loved it.

So what's the problem?

So I was talking
to her last night.

and, I should tell
you, we've been

talking on the phone
every other night

for, like, an
hour and a half.

Eventually you just run
out of stuff to say.

What did you have
for lunch today?

Mm-hmm.

Oh. Rye bread. Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Mm-hmm...

(snoring)

Oh, Teddy boy.

I'm usually so good
at being a boyfriend,

but this never-seeing-
each-other thing, it's a bitch.

Maybe it just can't be done.

I think it's clear
what I have to do.

It's pretty clear.

I have to go to Germany
and surprise her.

Totally what I was thinking.

Get out of my head, man!

Barney, how do I get these
idiots to leave me alone?

(sighs)

Marshall, consider the penguins.

The penguins?

On the wall.

"Conformity.
It's the one who's different

that gets left out
in the cold."

This is a motivational poster?

Look at yourself, Marshall.

You're not happy.

And you know why?

Because you're different.

Now, I suppose

you could learn to love yourself

for the unique little snowflake
that you are,

or...

you could change
your entire personality,

which is just so much easier.

Change your personality?

That is so awful,

and not at all
motivational.

Not necessarily.

Okay, at first, I was appalled,

but then I realized

it's just like Dr. Aurelia
Birnholz-Vasquez

in Life Among the Gorillas.

I have to gain
the acceptance
of the herd

by behaving exactly
like one of them.

It's an anthropological study.

Isn't that cool?

It sounds
kinda like peer pressure.

No, no, no.

It's totally
anthropological

and it's cool
and I'm doing it.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
it's peer pressure.

We have an assembly every year.

I'm portraying someone

who succumbs to
peer pressure.

All right, but if those guys try
to pressure you to smoke,

what do you say?

Only when I'm drunk.

Good boy.

And so, to fit in
with the gorillas,

Marshall had to learn
to act like a gorilla,

and that meant gorilla lessons.

Okay,

I'm psyched about this.

But if I'm going to mentor you,

I need to know
you're psyched about this, too.

Oh, I am.
I'm, I'm psyched.

Yeah, but it's one thing
to say it,

it's another thing to show it.

Show it.

I'm psyched!

What was that?

Marshall, I should feel tremors
of psychitude

rock my body like a seizure.

That was like a declawed

pregnant cat on a porch swing
idly swatting at a fly

on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Wow, that was really specific.

Show me you're psyched!

Let's do this!

Ow! That hurt!

So badly.
(groans)

And then you slip it
to the guy with a
discreet handshake

and he'll get it done.

Right. Get what done?

Whatever.

Cool.

And what guy is this?

There's always a guy.

Barney, I, uh,

I think I'm ready.

You sure? You want to practice
your story one more time?

All right.

So dude, check it.

I'm in San Diego with two
of my bro-sephs from Kappa,

and they're all, "Yo, Eriksen,
let's roll to the strip clubs."

So I'm, like, "Snapadoo!"

So we find this choice
nudie nest near the airport...

...and that is when
the bouncer kicked us out.

Now, I have no idea

if Svetlana ever got
her green card, but dudes,

fake diamond ring?

Worth every penny, bruh.

Eriksen...

...that was steak sauce!

Yeah. Yeah.

Great story.

The next morning, I was about
to buy my ticket to Germany

when I got an e-mail.

Uh-oh.

"Hey, Ted, sorry I missed
your call last night.

"This long-distance thing sucks,
huh?

"Listen, I've been thinking

"and I really need
to talk to you tonight.

I'll call you at 11:00.
Victoria."

So?

So she's going to dump me.

Has anyone ever said,
"Listen, I've been thinking,"

and then follow it up
with something good?

It's not like: Listen,

I've been thinking,

Nutter-Butters are
an underrated cookie.

What else can it be?

What could she possibly
have to say to me

that she couldn't write
in an e-mail?

I cut off all my fingers?

(chuckles)

Ted, you're a great guy.

I know it,

you know it, she knows it.

I would bet you
a gazillion dollars...

no, I'm even more confident.

I would bet you
a floppity jillion dollars

that she's not calling
to break up with you.

Thanks. You're right.
I'm being crazy.

So I should still buy
that plane ticket, right?

I'd wait.

'Sup, Blauman?

E-bomb here.

We still on for karaoke?

Dope. I'm going to rock you

on the mike so hard

your ears are going
to bleed gravy.

Catch you on the flip,
butt puppet.

Okay...

...what do you think?

Steak sauce.

Steak sauce?

Yeah.

Look, you know,

whatever anthropology you do
at work is your business,

but please don't act like that
around here.

Lily, when Dr. Aurelia
Birnholz-...

No, when Dr. Australia
Birdbath-Vaseline

came home
from the gorillas,

she didn't run around picking
nits out of people's hair

and-and throwing feces.

I'm begging you just, just
leave it at the office.

Why?

Because you're acting
like one of those guys,

and those guys are lame.

Okay, those guys
were mean at first, yes,

but they're actually
good guys,

and if you got to know them,
then you would see that.

Come karaoke with us tonight,
and you'll see

how totally not that lame
they are, okay?

Okay.

But wait, knock-knock,
back door, who's there?

Angelina Jolie... wait,
in a wheelchair.

What do you do? Go.

Dude, Scarlett Johannson with
no arms, any day of the week.

Yeah.

(sarcastically):
You're right.
They're delightful.

So, Barney, you gonna
sing anything?

Nah. I'm so over karaoke.

Really? I thought you'd
be totally into it.

Oh, don't get me wrong.

I'm good. The best, really.

But it's the greatest samurai

who lets his sword rust
in its scabbard.

Oh, baby,
they have our song.

Let's do "Don't Go
Breaking My Heart."

What?

"Don't Go
Breaking My Heart."

Elton John, Kiki Dee.

No way.

You got to go
with some Black Sabbath.

Well, actually, Marshall and I
have this little dance routine.

"Iron Man."

I could do
"Iron Man."

Steak sauce.

Steak sauce, dude.

Should we tell him?

All right, Eriksen,
I've got some good news.

On Monday,

Bilson and I are going
to talk to Montague in HR.

When you graduate,
we want you working with us.

What do you say?

Yes!

That's my man!
I told you he would.

Aw, we're gonna
own the office.

Steak sauce.

Okay, that was gross.

When were you going
to tell me

you changed
your entire career path?

Nothing has changed, okay?

I still want to help
the environment.

I just thought that maybe

I could make some money
for a few years.

We could buy an apartment,
send our kids to good schools.

You could quit your job and
focus on your painting.

I know that you say
you don't need it,

but I love you and I want
to give it to you anyway.

I want to give you
the package.

The package?!

You've already given me
the package.

You've got a great package,
Marshall.

I love your package.

Lily, you're the most
incredible woman I know,

and you deserve
a big package.

Your package has always
been big enough.

You may not realize this,
Marshall Eriksen,

but you've got
a huge package.

Yeah.

(phone rings)

Hello.

Why hasn't she called yet?

Okay, you're making yourself
crazy.

It's Saturday night.

Go out and do something.

No, what's the point
of going out?

I got a girlfriend... for now.

Besides, if I go out,

who's going to watch the news?

I'm, like, half your viewership.

I'm flattered you think
we have two viewers.

She's not going to break up
with you, Ted.

You're awesome.

Thanks.

Anyway, it's almost 11:00.

I should let you go.

Break a leg.

And so as I sat at home
waiting for the phone to ring,

something occurred to me.

I'm actually sitting at home
waiting for the phone to ring.

* He's giving you the blues *

* You want to graduate,
but not in his bed *

* Here's what you got to do *

* Pick up the phone... *

Marshall.

Hey, hey.

Dude, I feel like I haven't
seen you in a month.

Yeah. Yeah.
How you doing?

I think Victoria's about
to break up with me.

Oh, God,
I'm sorry, man.

Yeah, well, honestly,
I'm having trouble

remembering what
she looks like.

(chuckles)

The more I try to picture
her, the more I can't.

Like, I remember
how she makes me feel.

I just... I don't
completely remember her.

It's like I'm trying
to preserve something
that's already gone.

Preserving something
that's already gone.

Sounds like environmental law.

I don't know.

We struggle so hard
to hold onto these things

that we know are going
to disappear eventually.

And that's really noble,

but even if you save
every rain forest

from being turned
into a parking lot,

well, then where are
you going to park your car?

AUDIENCE:
* Done dirt cheap! *

* Dirty deeds *

* Done dirt cheap! *

* Dirty deeds *

* Done dirt cheap! *

* Dirty deeds and they're done
dirt cheap, ow *

* Dirty deeds and they're done
dirt cheap... *

(music stops)

Uh, rockupied.
Dude, what...?

Next up, Marshmallow
and Lilypad.

("Don't Go Breakin' My Heart"
intro playing)

* Don't go breakin' my heart *

* I couldn't if I tried *

* Honey, if I get
restless *

* Baby, you're not
that kind... *

It turns out some things
are worth preserving.

But here's the real question:

It's 2:00 a.m.

Your friends
are still out singing karaoke,

but you're home early
because you're expecting a call

from your girlfriend
in Germany,

who was supposed to call
four hours ago.

And then the phone rings.

Hello.

Hi, Ted. It's Robin.

Um, listen, I know it's late,

but, uh, do you want
to come over?

What do you do?

Go.