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1
00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:16,717
TED:
So, kids, there are many
buildings in New York City.
2
00:00:16,784 --> 00:00:19,653
Thousands of apartments,
3
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,190
millions of stories.
4
00:00:22,256 --> 00:00:24,525
And, even though
it's been decades,
5
00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:27,128
and someone else
lives there now,
6
00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:28,396
there's one apartment
in particular
7
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,798
that will always be
our apartment.
8
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,200
I have so many great memories
9
00:00:32,266 --> 00:00:33,934
of that place.
10
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,437
Marshall playing
video games.
11
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,572
Lily painting
on the fire escape.
12
00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,208
MAN:
Hey!
13
00:00:40,274 --> 00:00:43,611
Sorry, Mr. Matson.
14
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:45,346
And me making the coffee.
15
00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:46,680
I had this coffee pot...
16
00:00:46,747 --> 00:00:49,049
it was probably 50 years old
at the time...
17
00:00:49,117 --> 00:00:52,019
and it made truly
terrible coffee.
18
00:00:52,086 --> 00:00:53,787
We called it Shocky.
19
00:00:53,854 --> 00:00:54,688
Plugging in.
20
00:00:54,755 --> 00:00:56,857
Saving game.
21
00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,960
(groans)
22
00:01:00,027 --> 00:01:01,829
I loved every last detail
23
00:01:01,895 --> 00:01:03,531
of that place,
24
00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,032
right down to the incredibly
tacky swords
25
00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:06,734
we hung on the wall.
26
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,203
I never wanted
any of it to change.
27
00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:11,939
But that's not how
life works.
28
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,641
You guys will never believe
29
00:01:13,707 --> 00:01:15,776
what just happened to us.
30
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:16,877
I don't even believe
it myself.
31
00:01:16,944 --> 00:01:18,179
LILY:
We were in Queens,
32
00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,414
and we decided to stop by
my apartment.
33
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:21,815
Wait. Her apartment?
34
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:24,385
I thought Aunt Lily
lived with you and
Uncle Marshall.
35
00:01:24,452 --> 00:01:26,420
I could see how
you would think that,
36
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,756
but I have to have
my own place.
37
00:01:28,822 --> 00:01:30,358
It's an independence thing.
38
00:01:30,424 --> 00:01:32,260
When was the last time
you were there?
39
00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:33,994
Three months ago.
40
00:01:34,061 --> 00:01:35,129
What?
41
00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,530
It's like fat pants.
42
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,432
You hope you never
have to use them,
43
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,100
but you're glad
to know they're there.
44
00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,637
What the hell?
45
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:45,005
What?
46
00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:47,074
This is my apartment.
47
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,776
Where?
48
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,511
Right here.
49
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:54,382
What the hell?
50
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:56,584
Lily, this is
a Chinese restaurant.
51
00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:59,253
No, no. This was
my apartment.
52
00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,054
My dresser was right...
53
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,022
(gasps)
54
00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:03,891
That's my dresser!
55
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:07,728
And this is my closet.
56
00:02:07,795 --> 00:02:08,629
And I spilled
57
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:11,965
nail polish there.
There's the stain.
58
00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:13,667
Hi. How many?
59
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:14,902
Lily.
60
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,504
Yes. You know me?
61
00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,939
Yeah. From your
homecoming picture.
62
00:02:19,006 --> 00:02:19,907
You're much prettier
63
00:02:19,973 --> 00:02:21,575
in person.
64
00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:24,712
Yeah, I know.
The bangs were a mistake.
65
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,814
Where's my stuff?!
66
00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:28,749
Oh, it's all in the back.
67
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,083
We could wrap it up for you.
68
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,185
You want it to go?
69
00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:33,887
This is my apartment.
70
00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,656
Not anymore.
71
00:02:36,824 --> 00:02:37,958
No way.
72
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:39,126
You're making this up.
73
00:02:39,193 --> 00:02:40,160
Yeah, the building would have
74
00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,395
had to give you
some kind of notice.
75
00:02:41,462 --> 00:02:43,531
They sent you a notice
about this.
76
00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:45,233
When?
Three months ago.
77
00:02:45,299 --> 00:02:46,166
And here's your mail...
78
00:02:46,234 --> 00:02:48,336
minus magazines.
79
00:02:49,770 --> 00:02:52,172
Well, still, legally, they can't
just toss you out on the street.
80
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:53,441
You have a lease.
81
00:02:53,507 --> 00:02:56,677
Okay, so I didn't have
a written lease as such,
82
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:57,745
but go ask
83
00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:59,747
my landlady, Mrs. Conroy.
84
00:02:59,813 --> 00:03:02,850
She may be 98 years old,
but she's still...
85
00:03:02,916 --> 00:03:05,419
She's dead, isn't she?
86
00:03:05,486 --> 00:03:07,255
Never even saw the bus.
87
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:12,760
My apartment is
a Chinese restaurant.
88
00:03:12,826 --> 00:03:14,528
What am I going to do?
89
00:03:14,595 --> 00:03:16,897
Come live with us.
Really?
90
00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:17,865
Of course.
91
00:03:17,931 --> 00:03:19,733
You sure about
this, Ted?
92
00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,735
Yeah. I mean, you basically
live here anyway.
93
00:03:21,802 --> 00:03:23,704
It's not like it'll
change anything.
94
00:03:23,771 --> 00:03:26,206
No, it's like it will
change everything.
95
00:03:26,274 --> 00:03:27,140
Oh, Ted,
96
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:29,009
you are so screwed.
97
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:30,043
What are you talking about?
98
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:31,379
And why is that girl
99
00:03:31,445 --> 00:03:33,013
checking you out?
100
00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,182
Because I look good.
101
00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:36,550
Now, focus.
102
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,252
You and Marshall
are roommates.
103
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:39,720
You have an
amazing apartment.
104
00:03:39,787 --> 00:03:41,555
Marshall and Lily
just got engaged.
105
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:42,623
Yeah, so?
106
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,458
So, you're not still
going to be his roommate
107
00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:45,626
when he gets
married, are you?
108
00:03:45,693 --> 00:03:46,860
Someone's going
to move out.
109
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,161
So who's it going to be?
110
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:49,963
Come on, Barney,
I'm sure they've talked
111
00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:51,064
about who
gets the apartment.
112
00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:52,633
You've talked
about who gets
the apartment, right?
113
00:03:52,700 --> 00:03:54,302
Yeah, we've talked
about it.
114
00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:58,138
So, when Lily
and I get married,
115
00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:00,941
who's going to get
the apartment?
116
00:04:01,008 --> 00:04:03,176
Oh, that's
a tough one.
117
00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,778
You know who I think
could handle
118
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,046
a problem like that?
119
00:04:06,113 --> 00:04:08,048
Who?
120
00:04:08,115 --> 00:04:11,218
Future Ted
and Future Marshall.
121
00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:13,287
Totally.
122
00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:14,888
Let's let those guys
handle it.
123
00:04:14,955 --> 00:04:16,790
Damn it, Past Ted.
124
00:04:16,857 --> 00:04:19,627
You blew it, dude.
125
00:04:19,693 --> 00:04:21,495
Now that Lily's there,
it's a whole new dynamic.
126
00:04:21,562 --> 00:04:22,863
They're edging you out.
127
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:25,132
That's crazy.
They're not edging me out.
128
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,300
Marshall's my best friend.
129
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:27,401
(gasps)
130
00:04:27,468 --> 00:04:29,002
One of my best friends.
131
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:31,472
He wouldn't do that to me.
132
00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:34,174
Just keep your eyes open.
That's all I'm saying, Teddy.
133
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,409
Little things
134
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:37,411
are going to be changing
around that apartment.
135
00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:38,846
Come on, Barney, you're
just being paranoid.
136
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:41,915
Okay, seriously,
what is this girl's deal?
137
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:44,585
I'm sort of on
a date with her.
138
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:45,285
What?
139
00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:46,454
Yeah, yeah.
140
00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:48,622
I found her online.
141
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:51,091
I'm tired of
the whole bar scene,
142
00:04:51,158 --> 00:04:52,593
the one-night hookups.
143
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,628
I'm looking for
a soul mate.
144
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:55,496
Someone who
145
00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,264
I can love and cuddle.
146
00:04:57,331 --> 00:05:00,067
Or so it says
in my profile.
147
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,803
(evil laughter)
148
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,605
But this girl...
149
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:06,374
she wants the same stuff.
150
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,709
And it's...
it's bumming me out.
151
00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,678
All right, Ted,
call me from the hospital.
152
00:05:10,744 --> 00:05:11,412
All right.
153
00:05:11,479 --> 00:05:12,346
You're going
to the hospital?
154
00:05:12,413 --> 00:05:13,581
No. See, he's going
155
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:14,948
to go back over there,
and I'm going to call him.
156
00:05:15,015 --> 00:05:16,384
He's going to pretend it's
an emergency call
157
00:05:16,450 --> 00:05:17,418
from a family member
at the hospital.
158
00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:19,520
Oh, Lord.
Fake emergency?
159
00:05:19,587 --> 00:05:21,989
That is the lamest,
most pathetic cop-out
160
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,391
in the book.
161
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:24,958
I expect more
from you, Barney.
162
00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:26,193
Well, stay tuned.
163
00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,728
I'm working on
some stuff.
164
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:29,563
But, in the meantime,
wish me luck.
165
00:05:31,999 --> 00:05:34,201
So, are you going
to talk to Marshall?
166
00:05:34,267 --> 00:05:35,769
He's going to want
the apartment,
167
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:37,270
I'm going to want
the apartment.
168
00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:39,172
It's going to lead
to an argument. So, no.
169
00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:40,774
Hmm, that's real healthy.
170
00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,776
So, when a serious
issue comes up,
171
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:45,446
your response is just
to avoid it?
172
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:48,115
I should really make this call.
173
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:50,451
Ooh, can I do it?
174
00:05:54,455 --> 00:05:55,355
(phone ringing)
175
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,324
Excuse me.
176
00:05:57,391 --> 00:05:58,526
Hello.
177
00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:00,628
Hi, there... sexy.
178
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:03,431
Hello, Aunt Cathy.
What's up?
179
00:06:03,497 --> 00:06:04,798
Oh, nothing.
180
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,167
Just sitting here
thinking about you,
181
00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:08,368
hot stuff.
182
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,671
An accident?
183
00:06:10,738 --> 00:06:13,574
Well, is Uncle Rudy
going to be okay?
184
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,776
Aunt Cathy's got an itch
185
00:06:15,843 --> 00:06:19,146
that only you can scratch,
big boy.
186
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:22,049
Oh, God!
187
00:06:22,115 --> 00:06:25,385
Why did he think he could build
his own helicopter?
188
00:06:25,453 --> 00:06:29,723
Oh, come on, Daddy, break me off
a piece of that white chocolate.
189
00:06:30,791 --> 00:06:32,493
Well, if he needs
a transplant,
190
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,595
he can have mine.
191
00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,329
(voice breaking):
I'll be right there.
192
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,932
You know... I...
193
00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:42,135
(sobbing)
194
00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,871
See you guys later.
195
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:47,608
Put it on my check.
196
00:06:47,675 --> 00:06:50,478
Ah! This will be nice.
197
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:53,080
The three of us
living together.
198
00:06:53,146 --> 00:06:54,748
I think it's a good setup.
199
00:06:57,117 --> 00:06:58,586
Man, this coffee's great.
200
00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:01,689
It's really great.
201
00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:04,958
Too great.
202
00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:10,363
What happened to Shocky?
203
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,932
(gasps)
204
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,709
What's this?
205
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,811
My coffeemaker
from my apartment.
206
00:07:23,877 --> 00:07:25,378
It makes great coffee, right?
207
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,580
TED:
Yeah, definitely.
208
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:29,282
I mean, so does Shocky.
209
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:30,183
MARSHALL:
Really?
210
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:31,585
I always thought
211
00:07:31,652 --> 00:07:33,987
Shocky's coffee
tasted kind of rusty.
212
00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:35,556
Yeah, no, it did.
213
00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:38,458
I mean, I kind of liked
the rusty taste.
214
00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:40,761
I'm used to it.
I don't know.
215
00:07:40,828 --> 00:07:44,131
Also, Lily's coffeemaker
doesn't, you know,
216
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,933
shock people.
217
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:48,335
No, it's just...
218
00:07:48,401 --> 00:07:49,703
You got to admit
that shock, that...
219
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,071
wakes you up in the morning.
220
00:07:52,239 --> 00:07:54,207
You know what else
wakes you up in the morning?
221
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:55,108
Coffee.
222
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:58,078
That's great.
223
00:07:58,145 --> 00:07:59,212
You're right.
224
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,348
Roomies.
225
00:08:01,414 --> 00:08:02,550
Ha! I love it.
226
00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:05,252
They're edging me out.
227
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:06,987
They're totally
edging me out.
228
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:08,522
I didn't believe it,
but you're right.
229
00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:09,657
Told you.
230
00:08:09,723 --> 00:08:10,924
That Lily...
she's a shrewd one.
231
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,460
Yeah, she got you a nice new
coffeemaker.
232
00:08:13,527 --> 00:08:15,228
How dare she.
233
00:08:16,463 --> 00:08:17,965
It's not just
the coffeemaker.
234
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:19,299
Done.
235
00:08:19,366 --> 00:08:21,134
The painting's done.
236
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:23,303
That is great.
237
00:08:23,370 --> 00:08:24,772
Nice.
238
00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:26,273
Where do you want
to hang it?
239
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:27,307
I don't know.
240
00:08:27,374 --> 00:08:28,909
Uh...
241
00:08:28,976 --> 00:08:30,711
Over the piano?
242
00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:33,547
Yeah, that would be
a good place for it.
243
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,583
Too bad the swords are there.
244
00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:37,284
We kind of love those swords.
245
00:08:38,719 --> 00:08:41,955
Well, those swords have been
up there a long time.
246
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:42,823
I know, right?
247
00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:43,991
I'd really miss them, too.
248
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:47,427
So, maybe Marshall's room.
249
00:08:47,494 --> 00:08:49,162
Okay.
250
00:08:50,698 --> 00:08:52,432
He was going to take
the swords down.
251
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:53,300
Can you believe that?
252
00:08:53,366 --> 00:08:54,201
Ted, why don't you
253
00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,368
just talk to him.
254
00:08:55,435 --> 00:08:56,369
He's your best friend.
255
00:08:56,436 --> 00:08:57,738
(sputtering)
256
00:08:57,805 --> 00:09:00,407
One of your best friends.
257
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,576
The point is,
258
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,612
maybe it's time for some
healthy communication.
259
00:09:04,678 --> 00:09:06,346
Healthy communication?
260
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,016
That's the worst idea ever.
261
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,619
Look, you held off their first
advance. That's good.
262
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,120
Now it's time to counterstrike.
263
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:14,688
Yeah, well,
what am I supposed to do?
264
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,657
You got to mark
your territory.
265
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:18,491
And I don't mean
missing the toilet.
266
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:21,394
You've got to do something big.
267
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:22,930
What, like buy a new sofa?
268
00:09:22,996 --> 00:09:25,432
Bigger.
269
00:09:25,498 --> 00:09:27,534
Katie's here.
Okay, real quick...
270
00:09:27,601 --> 00:09:28,936
last night... epiphany...
271
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:31,104
I realized what the world
of dating needs.
272
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,806
Ready? A lemon law.
273
00:09:32,873 --> 00:09:35,175
A lemon law like for cars?
274
00:09:35,242 --> 00:09:36,509
Exactly.
275
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,911
From the moment
the date begins,
276
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:39,312
you have five minutes
to decide
277
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,348
whether you're going to commit
to an entire evening.
278
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,282
And, if you don't,
279
00:09:42,349 --> 00:09:43,483
it's no hard feelings.
280
00:09:43,550 --> 00:09:45,118
Just, "Good night.
Thanks for playing.
281
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:46,620
See you never."
282
00:09:46,687 --> 00:09:47,821
Huh? Huh?
283
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:49,857
The lemon law...
it's going to be a thing.
284
00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:52,125
Possibly,
starting right now.
285
00:09:54,494 --> 00:09:55,729
Hi, Katie.
Barney.
286
00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,030
(loud obnoxious voice):
Hi.
287
00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:59,767
It's good to finally
meet you.
288
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:04,404
Hmm, yeah.
289
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:05,505
Katie,
290
00:10:05,572 --> 00:10:08,208
you are about to be
a part of history.
291
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:15,082
Tell your friends.
292
00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,218
It's going to be a thing.
293
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:21,989
Man, Ted's been
acting weird.
294
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:24,324
He started labeling
all his food.
295
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:26,593
He even carved "Ted"
into that block of cheese.
296
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,295
Yeah.
297
00:10:28,361 --> 00:10:29,697
Well, now it's Ed's.
298
00:10:29,763 --> 00:10:32,565
I think he's not cool
299
00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,267
with me moving in.
300
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:36,469
No, that's not it.
301
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:38,105
You've basically lived here
all along.
302
00:10:38,171 --> 00:10:39,439
Ted loves you.
303
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,574
So what's he PMSing about?
304
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,576
I don't know.
305
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,612
But, when he's ready
to talk to me about it,
306
00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:47,247
he'll come and talk
to me about it.
307
00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:48,148
Are you kidding?
308
00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,050
You guys never talk
about anything.
309
00:10:50,117 --> 00:10:51,752
(knocking)
He'll just let it
310
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,086
fester under the surface
311
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:54,955
until he doesn't something big
and passive-aggressive.
312
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:56,924
You clearly don't know Ted.
313
00:10:58,558 --> 00:10:59,893
Delivery for Ted Mosby.
314
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,735
Your English phone booth
arrived.
315
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,170
Oh, awesome!
316
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,538
It's great, right?
317
00:11:11,604 --> 00:11:13,106
Yeah, I guess.
318
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,675
I'm just not sure if
Lily's going to like it.
319
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,779
Well, I like it,
320
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:21,614
so I'm just going
to keep it right here,
321
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,116
if that's cool.
322
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:25,118
Of course.
323
00:11:25,185 --> 00:11:27,154
I mean, we all
live here, so...
324
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,422
we should all be able to have
things the way we want them.
325
00:11:29,489 --> 00:11:30,423
Exactly.
326
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,125
Great.
327
00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:33,193
Terrific.
328
00:11:33,260 --> 00:11:35,695
You like the phone booth,
it stays.
329
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,630
I like this painting...
330
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:38,766
so I'm just
331
00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:41,268
going to hang it...
332
00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:43,336
right here on the wall.
333
00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,442
Mmm.
334
00:11:49,509 --> 00:11:50,543
Oh.
335
00:11:50,610 --> 00:11:52,112
So it's like that, is it?
336
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,848
(imitates phone ringing)
337
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,183
(British accent):
Oh, hello, guvnor.
338
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:57,450
Oh, it's like that,
isn't it?
339
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:58,718
Cheerio.
340
00:11:58,786 --> 00:12:00,453
(normal voice):
Yeah, it's like that.
341
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,990
I want this apartment!
342
00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,292
Well, I want it, too!
343
00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:06,760
You're a jerk.
344
00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:08,595
No, I'm a visionary.
345
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:10,330
Lemon law!
It's going to be a thing.
346
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,835
For the record,
347
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,037
your little lemon law
is a symbol of everything
348
00:12:17,104 --> 00:12:19,539
that's wrong with our
no-attention-span society.
349
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,109
No. Wrong.
Lemon law's awesome.
350
00:12:22,175 --> 00:12:24,077
It takes longer than
five minutes
351
00:12:24,144 --> 00:12:26,313
to really get
to know someone.
352
00:12:26,379 --> 00:12:27,981
You keep giving up
on people so quickly.
353
00:12:28,048 --> 00:12:29,516
You could miss out
on something great.
354
00:12:29,582 --> 00:12:32,019
Okay, you're on a blind date.
355
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,888
Sitting across from
the table is... that guy.
356
00:12:34,955 --> 00:12:38,391
You really think it'll take
more than five minutes
357
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:41,128
to realize there will be
no date number two?
358
00:12:41,194 --> 00:12:42,695
Yes, I do.
359
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:45,632
For all I know,
that guy's my soul mate.
360
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,400
Oh...
361
00:12:47,467 --> 00:12:49,169
bad move, Scherbotsky.
362
00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:50,971
Hi.
363
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:54,007
Have you met Robin?
364
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:55,642
Hi.
365
00:12:55,708 --> 00:12:56,944
Hi.
366
00:12:58,578 --> 00:12:59,779
All right, Marshall,
367
00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:02,115
we're deciding right now
who gets this apartment.
368
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,818
May lead to an argument,
369
00:13:04,885 --> 00:13:06,386
but we're settling this.
370
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:08,055
Or we could flip a coin.
371
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:09,156
Yeah, let's flip a coin.
372
00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:12,893
Flip it.
Okay.
373
00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,027
I'm flipping it.
Here I go.
374
00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:15,728
Flip it.
Okay, here I go.
375
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:16,796
Flip it.
I'm flipping.
376
00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,899
Go ahead.
Flip it.
I'm flipping.
377
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:21,401
But, before I do, I just
want to say something.
378
00:13:21,468 --> 00:13:23,303
You didn't even want to move
in here in the first place.
379
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:25,372
You said a prewar building
was bad for your allergies.
380
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,340
That was five years ago.
Now you can get
381
00:13:27,407 --> 00:13:28,909
prescription-level
antihistamines over the counter.
382
00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,878
Oh, snap.
What else you got?
383
00:13:30,944 --> 00:13:33,513
Okay, I'm flipping.
Heads or tails?
384
00:13:33,580 --> 00:13:35,615
You don't need two rooms.
385
00:13:35,682 --> 00:13:36,884
Heads or tails, Marshall.
386
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,718
Like you need two rooms.
387
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:40,253
We might be starting
a family soon.
388
00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,621
Oh, no, you're not.
There's no way you're
having a baby
389
00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:42,789
while you're still
in law school.
390
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,357
It's going to be
at least three years.
391
00:13:44,424 --> 00:13:45,492
It could be sooner.
392
00:13:45,558 --> 00:13:46,826
We're not that careful
with our birth control.
393
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:48,061
Two-zip.
394
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,930
Oh, come on!
You know damn well,
395
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,398
I move out,
that room's going unused.
396
00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,300
Oh, and I suppose
you'll get a new roommate.
397
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:54,701
Who's it going to be?
Barney?
398
00:13:54,767 --> 00:13:56,369
You know, he cooks naked.
399
00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:57,837
Yeah, well, at least
400
00:13:57,905 --> 00:13:59,806
Barney wouldn't take
the swords down.
401
00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,241
We were bros!
402
00:14:01,308 --> 00:14:03,310
These swords represent
our bro-hood. And you took
403
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,211
them down to make
404
00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:05,879
room for your fiancée's
stupid painting?
405
00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:07,047
My fiancée?
406
00:14:07,114 --> 00:14:09,216
Suddenly she's "my" fiancée?
407
00:14:09,282 --> 00:14:10,984
Lily's a part of
who I am.
408
00:14:11,051 --> 00:14:12,252
And, if you're such a bro,
409
00:14:12,319 --> 00:14:13,954
she's a part of
who you are, too.
410
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:15,722
She's a bro by extension.
411
00:14:15,788 --> 00:14:17,925
I deserve this apartment,
Marshall.
412
00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:21,094
No more than I do.
413
00:14:21,161 --> 00:14:24,898
Great.
So let's flip for it.
414
00:14:24,965 --> 00:14:26,066
Flip it.
415
00:14:36,643 --> 00:14:39,546
So is this how
we're deciding who
gets the apartment?
416
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:40,948
I guess so.
417
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,715
How we doing this exactly?
418
00:14:42,782 --> 00:14:44,051
Is this, like, to the death?
419
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:45,585
We should probably
figure that out.
420
00:14:45,652 --> 00:14:47,054
Ooh! Ow. Ow.
421
00:14:47,120 --> 00:14:48,388
He's okay, he's okay.
422
00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:51,258
Can I observe something?
423
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:52,759
That this is kind of awesome?
424
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,794
Totally.
425
00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:55,895
I can't believe
we didn't do this before.
426
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,097
I know.
427
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:01,134
Thank you.
428
00:15:03,070 --> 00:15:04,637
I can't believe this.
429
00:15:04,704 --> 00:15:06,873
I'm sitting here with
a beautiful woman I just met,
430
00:15:06,940 --> 00:15:08,875
eating at
my favorite restaurant.
431
00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:09,977
Sweet.
432
00:15:10,043 --> 00:15:11,911
It's a nice place.
433
00:15:11,979 --> 00:15:15,248
It's good to know
the future has ribs.
434
00:15:15,315 --> 00:15:16,950
In the future,
food will most likely
435
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,418
be served in gel cap form.
436
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:22,990
Plus, cows will probably
have died out by then.
437
00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,591
Or be our leaders.
438
00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,926
(cell phone rings)
439
00:15:28,461 --> 00:15:30,030
Hello.
440
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,064
(chuckling):
H-H-H-H-Hey.
441
00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,332
Time's running out, Scherbotsky.
442
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:33,866
Last chance for the lemon law.
443
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,402
Leave me alone.
444
00:15:35,468 --> 00:15:36,536
4:56, 4:57,
445
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:38,071
4:58...
446
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:40,073
We're only just getting
to know each other.
447
00:15:40,140 --> 00:15:42,842
Say I'm right
and this could all be over.
448
00:15:42,909 --> 00:15:44,311
This could be your call
from the hospital.
449
00:15:44,377 --> 00:15:46,046
Sorry.
450
00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:47,447
Let me guess.
451
00:15:47,514 --> 00:15:50,617
There's been a crazy accident
and you have to go.
452
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,719
No, I would never do that.
453
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,021
I don't want to go anywhere.
454
00:15:54,087 --> 00:15:56,056
I'm all yours.
455
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:58,058
Look, if you're a hooker,
456
00:15:58,125 --> 00:16:00,493
I don't have a lot
of money...
457
00:16:02,929 --> 00:16:04,164
(yelling)
458
00:16:04,231 --> 00:16:05,765
Oh, that was awesome.
I know.
459
00:16:05,832 --> 00:16:07,334
Do it again.
Okay.
460
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:08,968
But this time jump up
and I'll swipe your legs.
461
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:13,706
(yells)
462
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:18,878
Look...
463
00:16:18,945 --> 00:16:20,413
here's why I should
get the place.
464
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:22,649
You and Lily,
you get to be married.
465
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,117
What do I get, right?
466
00:16:24,184 --> 00:16:26,986
I get to be unmarried, alone,
minus two roommates.
467
00:16:27,054 --> 00:16:28,988
And, on top of that,
I have to be homeless.
468
00:16:29,056 --> 00:16:30,090
Does that seem fair?
469
00:16:30,157 --> 00:16:31,624
Oh, boo-freakin'-hoo.
470
00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:32,792
What?!
471
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:34,027
"Woe is me!
472
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,128
"I'm not married yet.
473
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,397
My ovaries are shrinking."
474
00:16:37,464 --> 00:16:39,066
Ted, if you wanted to
be married by now,
475
00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,200
you would be,
but you're not.
476
00:16:40,267 --> 00:16:41,334
And you know why?
477
00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,403
Because
you're irrationally picky,
478
00:16:43,470 --> 00:16:45,905
you're easily distracted
and you're utterly anhedonic.
479
00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,307
"Anhedonic"?
480
00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,542
Anhedonic. It means
you can't enjoy anything.
481
00:16:49,609 --> 00:16:51,678
The hell I can't.
I'm enjoying this.
482
00:16:51,744 --> 00:16:53,080
I know. This rules!
483
00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:57,484
(yells)
484
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:58,418
Hey.
485
00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,153
I'm sorry I took
those swords down.
486
00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:01,721
Dude, that's okay.
It led to this
487
00:17:01,788 --> 00:17:04,491
totally rad swordfight,
didn't it?
Yeah, it did.
488
00:17:04,557 --> 00:17:06,025
(grunts)
489
00:17:08,261 --> 00:17:10,230
You remember when we
first got these swords?
490
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:11,731
It was the day we moved in.
491
00:17:11,798 --> 00:17:13,633
Congratulations, Marshall,
492
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,768
we live in an apartment
with swords on the wall.
493
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:18,405
List of lifelong dreams,
you're now half as long.
494
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,242
Crap, I'm missing one
of the screws for this table.
495
00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,443
Just use this wood glue.
496
00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:25,011
It'll hold.
497
00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:26,746
Yeah.
498
00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,149
(grunting, yelling)
499
00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:30,583
(Lily screams)
500
00:17:36,523 --> 00:17:38,691
Oh, God!
I'll be right there.
501
00:17:38,758 --> 00:17:39,626
Kevin, I'm
502
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:41,027
so sorry. I have to go.
503
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:43,230
My friend's been stabbed
with a sword.
504
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,498
Hab Slosi' Quch!
505
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:48,601
It's a Klingon insult.
506
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:49,936
You have no honor.
507
00:17:50,002 --> 00:17:51,571
You know,
508
00:17:51,638 --> 00:17:53,240
if you felt this way,
you could've just been up-front.
509
00:17:53,306 --> 00:17:55,675
No, I swear, that was
a real call. I just...
510
00:17:55,742 --> 00:17:57,544
Oh, forget it.
511
00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:03,616
I stabbed Lily.
512
00:18:03,683 --> 00:18:06,586
I stabbed my fiancée.
513
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,655
Come on, Marshall.
514
00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:11,291
Do you really think
she's still your fiancée?
515
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:13,626
I'm kidding.
516
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:17,164
Hey, I think you guys
should have the apartment.
517
00:18:17,230 --> 00:18:20,233
But you fought
so bravely for it.
518
00:18:20,300 --> 00:18:22,669
I wasn't fighting
for the apartment,
519
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,237
I was fighting for...
520
00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:25,338
I don't know...
521
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,974
for everything
to stay the way it is.
522
00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,743
But I'm not going
to get that, so...
523
00:18:30,810 --> 00:18:31,944
seriously,
524
00:18:32,011 --> 00:18:33,646
take the place.
It's yours.
525
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:34,981
Is she okay?
526
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:36,849
They're just patching her up.
She's going to be fine.
527
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,219
So get this: I was on a date
with this girl, Jackie...
528
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,589
What? You said she's fine.
529
00:18:42,655 --> 00:18:45,024
So, anyway, I was on a date
with this girl, Jackie...
530
00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:48,060
Wow, Jackie, you
make a really great
first impression.
531
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,396
I have a feeling
532
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:52,064
that tonight you might
end up being Jackie...
533
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,934
oh.
534
00:18:55,001 --> 00:18:56,703
Yeah.
535
00:18:56,769 --> 00:18:59,739
I'm sorry. I'm going to have
to lemon law you.
536
00:19:01,374 --> 00:19:02,509
It's out there.
537
00:19:02,575 --> 00:19:03,376
It's a thing.
538
00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:05,245
The lemon law is a thing!
539
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:06,913
Damn! I should've called it
Barney's law.
540
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:08,181
But you totally...
541
00:19:08,248 --> 00:19:09,749
Just let him
have this one.
542
00:19:11,684 --> 00:19:12,919
All set.
543
00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:14,521
She said she'd like to see
544
00:19:14,587 --> 00:19:17,324
the knights of the poorly
constructed roundtable?
545
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:20,760
That's us.
546
00:19:22,795 --> 00:19:24,364
A sword fight?
547
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:27,367
Sorry, Lily.
Sorry, Lily.
548
00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:30,437
On Monday, I'm going to have
to tell my kindergarten class,
549
00:19:30,503 --> 00:19:32,839
who I teach not to run
with scissors,
550
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:36,709
that my fiancé ran me through
with a frickin' broadsword.
551
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:39,412
Well, just to be fair,
552
00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:40,647
it didn't go
all the way through.
553
00:19:40,713 --> 00:19:44,917
I'm sorry. Is this a discussion
of the degree
554
00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:46,519
to which you stabbed me?
555
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:48,988
You're right.
556
00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:50,390
I'm sorry.
557
00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:52,992
We were fighting to see
who gets the apartment,
558
00:19:53,059 --> 00:19:54,394
and I won.
559
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:56,963
Uh, you didn't win.
I...
560
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:58,298
Uh...
...gave it to you.
561
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,066
You know what...?
Wait, wait, wait.
562
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,101
I don't want that apartment.
563
00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:03,570
It's a boy apartment.
564
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:07,307
It's... full of swords
and video games and...
565
00:20:07,374 --> 00:20:09,842
kind of smells like dude.
566
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,046
I mean, it's fine for now.
567
00:20:14,113 --> 00:20:15,648
But, when we get married,
568
00:20:15,715 --> 00:20:17,950
I want to start
a new life with you...
569
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,320
in a new place.
570
00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:24,190
Gonna miss
the old place.
571
00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:26,626
I will, too.
572
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:29,128
But we're not going to get
married for, like, a year.
573
00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:31,264
Yeah, that's Future Marshall's
problem.
574
00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,699
Let that guy deal with it.
575
00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,767
Totally.
576
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:36,803
Maybe it's the massive
blood loss talking,
577
00:20:36,869 --> 00:20:38,938
but I'm starving.
578
00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:41,040
Let's go get
some dinner.
579
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,175
I know just the place.
580
00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:45,211
Chinese restaurant.
581
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:46,779
I still don't believe it.
582
00:20:46,846 --> 00:20:47,947
I told you.
583
00:20:48,014 --> 00:20:50,483
Hey, a toast.
584
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,619
Life is full of changes.
585
00:20:52,685 --> 00:20:54,687
One day you have an apartment,
586
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,790
the next day it's
a house of dumplings.
587
00:20:57,857 --> 00:20:59,992
But the important stuff
doesn't change.
588
00:21:00,059 --> 00:21:01,328
To the important stuff.
589
00:21:01,394 --> 00:21:02,862
Hear, hear.
Cheers.
Cheers.
590
00:21:04,230 --> 00:21:05,998
And to the lemon law.
591
00:21:07,834 --> 00:21:09,402
Self-click.
592
00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:12,004
And, by the way,
I bought these glasses.
593
00:21:12,071 --> 00:21:13,239
Bought them at Ikea.
594
00:21:13,306 --> 00:21:16,042
These are my glasses!
595
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,176
I love this song.
596
00:21:17,243 --> 00:21:18,445
I haven't heard this
in forever.
597
00:21:18,511 --> 00:21:20,680
And I'm pretty sure
this is a mix tape
598
00:21:20,747 --> 00:21:22,214
you made me in sophomore year.
599
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,583
Yeah, right.
600
00:21:23,650 --> 00:21:27,286
Lily, your apartment makes
the best Shanghai dumplings.
601
00:21:28,455 --> 00:21:30,089
(on tape):
I love you, Lily.
602
00:21:30,156 --> 00:21:32,492
Happy Valentine's Day 1998.
603
00:21:32,559 --> 00:21:33,860
(laughing)
604
00:21:33,926 --> 00:21:35,828
* I get knocked down,
but I get up again *
605
00:21:35,895 --> 00:21:37,664
* You're never
gonna keep me down *
606
00:21:37,730 --> 00:21:39,999
* I get knocked down,
but I get up again *
40274
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