All language subtitles for Cheers.S07E16.1080p.BluRay.x264-BORDURE

Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.

Excuse me.

Does a Carla Tortelli LeBec
née Lozuponi work here?

You're talking to her.
What's it to you?

My name is Whitley Morris.

I represent the estate
of your late grandfather,

Antonio Lozuponi.

No doubt you know
that Antonio deserted

your grandmother in 1921.

What you may not know
is that he hopped a freight

to Los Angeles that year,

taking with him
only his lucky quarter.

He worked packing fruit
until he raised enough capital

to open up his own business
selling candied peaches.

With the profits from this,
he invested in oil,

and through judicious management

of his funds amassed a fortune
well in excess of $20 million.

Miss, can I order a beer?

What do I look like, a waitress?

Go on. Go on.

On his deathbed,
Antonio felt remorse for the family

he left behind in Boston,
and he made out a will

leaving his entire fortune

to the surviving Lozuponis,
of which you are one.

Yeah, yeah?

Unfortunately, this was not discovered
until the death last month

of Antonio's unscrupulous
illegitimate son Paolo,

who suppressed the will

and in ten short years
squandered the entire fortune

on fast horses and loose women.

What does that leave me?

Grandfather Lozuponi's lucky quarter.

Congratulations.

Woody?

Yes, Miss Howe.

I just got my butt chewed out
on your account.

Must've been a real light eater.

My boss was going
through the personnel records,

and he found
an alarming discrepancy.

Okay...

I confess.

I was $3.47 short
on the receipts last October,

so I put money in
from my pocket.

I always knew it would
catch up with me.

You don't have
to say anything, Miss Howe.

I'll get my things
and leave quietly.

Woody, I'm not talking about that.

Oh. Then never mind.

Woody, the comptroller found out

that you have been working
at Cheers for four years,

and you have never
taken one vacation.

That's true. I have
a perfect attendance record.

Well, you have to take one now.
It's company policy.

Well, I don't like vacations.
I like working here.

I like the people.

Well, why should I leave?
What's the point?

The point is a happy workplace!

The point is dealing with stress.

Look at you, Woody.
Can't you see

that you're on the verge
of an emotional burnout?

Gee, I am beginning to feel
a little on edge.

I'm sorry, Woody.

Woody, why don't you
just do this for me, please?

Why don't you go
take a trip and see your folks?

My folks were just here.

Whoa, Woody.
Your parents were in Boston?

Why didn't you bring them by
to meet us?

What, like they got
nothing better to do?

Good point.

I'm gonna call
the corporate travel agent

and have her create
a wonderful trip for you, Woody.

You're gonna love it.

If you say so, Miss Howe.

Look, Woody, travel is great.

When I left the country
to go see expo, it gave me

a whole new slant on life.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

You haven't lived
until you've seen Bonanza

dubbed into French Canadian.

Woody, let's go.

So, Frase, where's Lilith these days?

It's been three or four weeks
since we've seen old death with hips.

You're not trying
to hide her from us, are you?

No, no. Why would I do
a thing like that?

How's she handling her pregnancy?

Same as any other woman,

perfectly normal. Nothing unusual.

Well, true, she does experience

the occasional temporary
hormonal imbalance,

but you know Lilith.
She's so repressed emotionally

that only her husband would notice.

Lay your hands upon me, everyone.

I am life.

Oh, boy.

I am mother.

My man's seed
is nourished within me.

Touch my breasts, my friend.

I am lactating.

Well, I tell you,
this is kind of a first for me,

but I'm going to pass.

Forgive me for bursting in on you

but the little bud couldn't bear
to be parted from his/her daddy

another instant.

Whisper to him/her
through my navel.

Later, after I finish this drink.

Perhaps a few more.

Oh, Carla, sister-woman...

Why didn't you ever
share with me

the religious wonder
of this experience

when you were great with child?

I was too busy puking.

A small price to pay
for becoming a fountain of life.

A moist, nourishing acre of loam,

from which shall spring
the future of the human race.

Speaking of puking,

would you excuse me
for a minute?

I am a cradle of life.

My womb is the Tigris
and the Euphrates.

I am a slender tendril reaching back
to the primordial ooze.

I'm planning on
having her committed.

It must've been a very
difficult decision for you.

Oddly enough, no.

I don't know what they did
with the birth goo,

and I don't want to know.

But the placenta is
the tidal pool of life.

I'm planting mine
under a tree in the backyard

so my nutrients
can feed its roots.

I shall become
one with the planet.

I shall suckle the earth itself.

I shall unite with...

For God's sake, woman,
get hold of yourself!

You're having a baby! Big deal.

A fly is a mother
a thousand times.

You don't see her making
an ass of herself

in front of her husband's friends.

I beg your pardon.

Well, Lilith, it was fine
in the privacy of our own home,

but, I mean, now
you're embarrassing me

in front of people
who would like to be my peers.

I'm sorry, Frasier.

I thought you were as enraptured

by this life force
we're creating as I am.

Well, I am in theory.

Oh, yes. Well, that's right.
For the man, it's all theory.

For the mother, it's the deepest,

richest, most moving,
all-encompassing love

you'd ever hope to imagine,
but I'll suppress it for you.

Are you happy?

That's my girl.

Lilith, you misunderstood.

I loved it.

Darling? Angel face?

Pea pod?

He's a dead man.

Yeah, put the tag on his toe,
close the drawer.

- Hey, Normie, looky here.
- Yeah?

I was on my route,
somebody gave me

a box of chocolates.
You want one?

- Yeah.
- Here you go.

Assortment, huh?

You know, I like butter creams,

but I can never tell
which one's which.

No.

Not this one, either.

Hey, Frase.

What's the latest
with Madame Ovary?

Oh, she's fine.

You don't sound
too happy about it.

Well, frankly, Sam, I'm not.

I feel like hell for what I said
to her the other day.

I've taken the most beautiful experience
of her life and turned it

into something as pedestrian
as flossing one's teeth.

I wish I could take back
every hateful word I said.

Frase... No. Nougat.

Vera and I have
this little technique that we use

that whenever we say something
that we regret to each other,

we agree never
to talk about it again,

and it works like a charm.

Well, Norm, I don't agree.

Once you start
to bury your feelings,

you stop talking.

You finally don't spend
any time together at all.

Right. Works like a charm.

Do you believe that?

An entire box of chocolates
and not one butter cream.

I hate that!

Woody, your passport came.

Thanks, Miss Howe.

Gee, Woody, where are you going?

Oh, I'm going to Venice
and then Florence.

Then I got to see the Seven Hills
of something or other, I don't know.

Woody, you're gonna love Italy.

I'll never forget my first trip,

bunking in youth hostels, thumbing rides,

this wild fling
with this crazy Italian boy

who never told me his name,

and then one night
getting hold of some cheap wine

and getting really plastered
and ripping off all my clothes...

Changing for choir practice.

I was with my church group.

Seems like you used to be
a lot more fun back then.

When did you lose
this childlike love of life?

And why couldn't I have known you

back when you were
cheap and slutty?

What's this, Miss Howe?

Oh, they just
want to know who to notify

in case of death or accident.

What do they think
is gonna happen to me over there?

They don't think anything
is gonna happen, Woody.

Just calm down.

What's this about not smuggling
foreign meats into the country?

What's wrong with foreign meat?

And if there is
something wrong with it,

what's going to happen to me
after I've been eating it for a week?

And look. It says here
if I mutilate this passport,

it renders it invalid?

Suppose I'm just about
to go through US customs,

some crazy person breaks
into my luggage,

mutilates my passport,
and fills my suitcase full of meat.

That's a chance all travelers take.

Why, there's my Kanga
and her little Roo.

Do you feel the butterfly of life
fluttering within you?

It's either that or gas.

Could I speak with you
for a moment in relative privacy?

Of course.

Now, I know you don't want me
carrying on about the pregnancy,

and, believe me, I don't intend to,

but I thought as a doctor
you might like to hear one thing.

What is that?

It sounds like...

It is.

Is it... a little heartbeat?

My child's heartbeat.

Life. I am a giver of life.

I have planted my seed.

I am your fertile ground.

Lo, see what we have wrought.

Let's go sleep
on the roof nude, my dear,

and let the rain nourish our child.

Yes, why not?
Nude and unashamed.

Why should we be ashamed?
Our child will never be ashamed.

Want to bet?

Oh, Woodman,
today's the day, huh?

Yeah. You ready
for the big trip, bud?

I guess so. I'm just going
through this book

trying to put together
a few useful Italian phrases.

- Let's hear one.
- All right.

"sono stato orrendamente straziato

in un disastro ferroviario.

Per favore, sparatemi."

That's great. What's it mean?

"I have been hideously mangled
in a train accident. Please shoot me."

Woody.

- Greetings, everyone.
- Ho. My goodness.

What time are you two
due at the square dance?

I'll thank you to be serious.
My woman made this shirt.

It's my first.

Yes, we've decided
to stop parasitically living

off the labor of others.

From now on,
we provide for ourselves.

We've been examining our lives,
and we've discovered

some frightening things.

You finally found Diane walled up
in Frasier's crawl space?

We're so civilized,

we've cut ourselves off
from our true animal nature.

Accordingly, we've decided
to forsake the city

and go live in the wilderness.

Yes. We're going to leave behind
the 20th century,

and I will build a cabin
with my own two hands

and the sweat of my brow.

You guys want these pretzels?

No. No thank you.

From now on,
I only eat what I kill.

Then I suggest you kill
about a half-dozen beers

and lighten up.

Don't you think you guys
are getting a little carried away?

I mean, all of us want
to chuck it all sometimes,

but you can live to regret
that kind of thing.

I mean, believe me,
I know what I'm talking about.

Sammy, excuse me.
You're not gonna tell

that long, boring story
about how you sold the bar

and bought a boat
to sail around the world

and then the boat sank, are you?

No, Norm.

Come on. I'm perfectly aware

how that turning point in my life
means nothing to you.

So I'm going
to tell a story about...

...a friend of mine
who bought a truck

to drive around the world.

Sam, if this story
is meant to discourage us,

it's going to fall on deaf ears.

I have already burned our last bridge.
I'm proud to announce

that the doctor has
given up his practice.

- Oh, come on.
- You did what?

Yes. We put our house
on the market,

I helped Lilith compose
her letter of resignation

to Boston General,

and I just cancelled
my paranoia workshop.

So all we need to do now
is buy a stout ax

and a plot of land
in the wilderness.

And I'll stand by your side

and bear your young
and cook your meals.

Try not to get them mixed up.

No. Wait. Hold it. Listen.

Have either of you
even lived outside of the city?

Well, I admit we are urbanites,

but we've always
enjoyed the country

whenever we've flown over it.

Listen. Why don't you try living,
you know, for a week in the woods?

See how you like it.

Well, that's a possibility.

Hey, as a matter of fact,
a friend of mine

has a cabin in Northern Maine.

Sammy, he didn't take it
around the world, did he?

Why don't you just borrow it
for a little while?

See how you like it, huh?

Well, it's a tempting thought.

- What do you think, Lilith?
- Well, it's possible.

We could put our careers
on hold just for now

and take a few days off next week
to become one with nature.

By George, we'll do it.
Next week, it's into the woods.

- Great.
- Thank you, Sam.

Oh, gee. if I run,
I can make my 3:00.

But, dear, you just cancelled
your paranoia workshop.

Oh, right.

Well, I'll deny it
and tell them it's part

of a government conspiracy.
They'll eat that up.

It's perfect.

Not quite.
What's this abomination?

There. Now we can live
like our forefathers.

I will go, my love.

And I will go to Innisfree

and a cabin build there,
of clay and wattles made.

Frasier, dearest,
I feel the coldness.

It's good.

Let's celebrate the coldness.

There. That's done.

Now let's celebrate
warmness, and quickly.

Yes. Warmth.
I will give my family warmth.

- Where are the matches?
- I thought you brought them.

Are you telling me
you didn't bring any matches?

No, I'm telling you
you didn't bring any matches.

Well, not to worry. Even better.

Right. We'll do
as our forebears did.

Yes. I'll go slit open a moose,

and we can climb in
and bunk there for the night.

It's pioneer humor.

Well, our forebears laughed.

Oh. Here's just the thing.

Frasier, what are you doing?

Well, I'm striking two stones
together to get a spark.

Ah. Then be ready to jump back
lest a flame singe your eyebrows.

Lilith, please.
I've never done this before,

and I could use some support.

Well, if you don't know
what you're doing,

why did you drag me up here
in the dead of winter?

Because that's when you
just happened to get pregnant.

No, I think that's when you
just happened to knock me up.

No, I think that's
when you just happened

to forget to take your pill.

I sense civilization creeping in.

My wild asparagus, forgive me.

No. It's I who should apologize.

We don't need a fire.

We have our body heat
to keep us warm.

No, no, my wife
and child need a fire,

and I'm going to build it
for them if it takes all day.

And we'll stand right
by you while you do it.

Say, Lilith, you know,

it might help me
to get a rhythm going

if you would sing
one of those simple work songs

that our forefathers so beloved.

I don't know any work songs.

Well, sing whatever you do know.

- I only know one song.
- Well, sing that, then.

My funny valentine

Sweet comic valentine

You make me smile with my heart

Hey, everybody!

Hey! Woody, man,
how was your vacation?

I never had so much fun
in my whole life.

Oh, I knew you'd love Italy
if you'd just give it a chance.

Oh, well, I never
actually made it to Italy.

What?

Yeah. I fell asleep
and missed my flight.

Okay, pay up. Pay up.

So, Woody,
where were you all week?

The airport.

It was great. I met people
from all over the world.

You spent your entire vacation
at the airport?

Oh, yeah. I mean,
at first I felt terrible

about missing my flight,

but then I started talking
to this really nice guy,

and it turned out he's from India.

Can you imagine that?

I'm from Indiana,
and he's from India?

We laughed about that for hours.

At least, I think that's what
he was laughing at.

Well, I'm glad
you had a good time, Woody.

I didn't expect you back today.

I thought you needed rest,
so I didn't schedule you until tomorrow.

Great. I'm outta here.

Where are you going?

I hear great things
about the bus depot.

Stay, little valentine

Stay

Each day is...

Shut up!

Oh, no. Oh, God. My finger's
gonna turn black now,

and the nail's gonna fall off.

No one said life
in the wilderness would be easy.

- Here. Let me try.
- No. No, Lilith.

I must get back up on that horse.

A spark!

Lilith, did you see that?
I made a spark.

I knew you could do it.

This is the most
glorious moment in my life.

I've never felt so proud
and triumphant.

No prouder than I,
my Prometheus.

Lilith, with these two rocks,
I can accomplish anything.

- I've never felt closer to you.
- Nor I, you.

Of course, we haven't
actually achieved fire yet.

Ah. Good point.

Say, you know what?
Grab some more of that paper,

and we'll wad it up and use it
to catch it on the spark.

Thank you, dear.

- Oh, a Boston paper.
- Is it?

The restaurant review section.

Restaurants.

Of course, they're raving
about La Porta's.

$200 for a dinner. How decadent.

No doubt about it,
our society is in decay.

Can you believe
we actually frequented that place?

- Perfumed and pompous.
- Living off the labor of others.

Eating the flesh of animals
we didn't even kill.

It was good, though.

The tarragon glaze was impeccable.

The crème brûlée was a poem.

Of course, quality isn't the point.

No. It's a moral issue.

And if it's food you want, why,
I'll cook you a hearty American meal...

Lentils and okra
over our open fire.

My mouth is watering already.

Lilith, I'm thinking something.

And I think you're thinking it, too.

But neither of us wants to admit
that we're thinking it

for fear that the other one
isn't thinking it.

So I think it's very important

that we both say
what we're thinking simultaneously

if indeed we are
thinking the same thing,

and I think we are.
So, are you ready?

I want to go home.

Say, if we drive 70 all the way,

do you think we can make it
to La Porta's for the 10:00 seating?

- No, I don't think so.
- Then we'll charter a plane.

That's the beauty of civilization.
You can buy anything.