All language subtitles for Not.Another.Church.Movie.2024.hoetinkhof79

Let me tell you
a story. It's a story about me.

My stories have made you cry.
My stories have made you shout.

My stories have even made you
turn your life around.

But this is a story
about how it all began.

Feeling very blessed today.

My name is Taylor Pherry.

Feeling very blessed today.
Look how blessed I feel.

Now you've seen my movies
and watched my TV shows.

That's okay.

But before all that,

I was what you might
call an entrepreneur...

Not it.

a jack of all trades,

a captain of industry.

My baby.

And a lover of fine cars.

By day, I judiciously defend
the innocent...

Damnit. Case closed.

while making emergency
house call surgeries.

Stand back, doctors.

I am a doctor, and
I don't need another doctor

telling me how to be doctoring.
Oh, this patient dead.

Then after my luxury hotel
and engineering firm meetings,

I make time for some
zero-emission food delivery

to keep myself in touch...

Grossmates!

with common people.

Ah, here you are, sir.

- What? This is it?
- That'll be $75.

But to truly understand

how I became
the entertainment titan,

you all know today, we need to
start at the beginning.

And the beginning began
with Hoprah Windfall.

I'm a little disappointed
that my 27th slave movie

didn't fare well at
the box office.

I mean, I'm sure you
all liked it, right?

Whatever. Anyway, I still
have my show, my magazine.

I have my school in Africa,

and of course,
Dr. Bill and Dr. Loz.

But the time has come
for me to find a successor,

someone to carry the torch,

someone who embodies
the intelligence and power

needed for the betterment
of all strong women.

God willing,
I shall find my successor!

Hoprah was
on a mission,

but little did we know,

someone else was looking to
reinspire hope and faith

in the masses as well.

And this is where our story
truly begins.

If I rule the world,
I do... everything.

Whoo! Drive
through to heaven!

Angel 1: Where the hell is God?
He still ain't here.

He still ain't answering
none of our prayers, man.

It's Sunday, so you know
He's gonna take all day.

Angel 2: I mean, He may be late,
but He's always on time.

Angel 1: He was on time
when He took my Granny.

Oh, you know what? Sometimes,
I just have to swear to me.

Good me almighty!
Just rolling through the clouds.

This is usually my day of rest,

but, uh, I'm feeling
like something.

Hashtag Holy Davidson!
Holy Davidson!

I'm coming. I'm on my way.

- Oh, shit. God's here.
- Let's get to the meeting.

Let's go! Let's go! Let's go!

Y'all better have
something good for me.

'Cause you know what?
That's right.

I'm pissed.
The hell is going on?

Is that what this is about, huh?

Pitch meeting
over some unanswered prayers?

Tell y'all,
y'all owe me right now.

Y'all had me watching that...

uh, uh, uh... "Held Up."

The little fella,
uh, uh, Jamie Foxx

with that hairline,
it was all over the place.

That hairline, that teeth.

- My bad.
- Shit, held up my time.

I'mma start snatching wings.

I'm just kidding.
You can keep your wings.

For now.

Ching, ching! Ching, ching!
Ching, ching!

- Oh!
- You know what?

I was thinking that we can erase
the Will Smith Oscar slap.

Mmm.
- I agree.

- Mmm. Great guy. Great idea.
- I like that.

But-- but he did, boy, that was
a hell of a slap, though.

He slapped three jokes outta
that motherfucker, didn't he?

- Dang!
- He did.

Come on, man. Come on, man.

Slapped the funny out of him.

- Is that good?
- That was good.

- Well, what about reparations?
- Mmm.

- Hey, that works, right?
- Yeah.

Lemme think about that.
300,000 apiece. Mm-hmm.

Uh, but then after the BBLs,
after the Cristal,

after the Jordans, everything,
what'd that leave you?

Like $1,700?

Carry the one.
Nah, we ain't gonna do that.

So they made it this far,
this long, they can do it.

These Black people
gonna have to figure out

a different way.

Oh, is that too much?

Is that too much? I just wanted
to see how it played out.

How about a beautiful,
intelligent female president

next election?

Angel 3: Great.
- Go on, with yourself.

I can work with that,
but listen,

don't let the house
secretary do the hair

'cause "weave"
got a long way to go.

True.

I saw where you went with that.

Come on now. Come on.

Hey, you ain't laughing.
Don't get cast down.

You know what
I did to Beelzebub.

Well, wait, what if we do
a Kardashian show

Angel 4: with Tristan and Khloe
called "All My Side Children"?

- What y'all think?
- That's a great idea.

Oh, my God. Oh my me.

Y'all like that?
Y'all like that, huh?

I don't like it. You go to hell!

- Oh, damn. Damn.
- Ooh.

No, I'm sorry!
It was fat-ass Petey's pitch!

When new angels start falling,
I know you need me.

Well, I gotta roll.
Meeting's over. Mmm.

I gotta go save the world.
Alright. Y'all carry on.

Angel 5: That's God.

Hey, Hoprah,
what's going on?

What do you mean what's going
on? You're not watching my show?

I need you to find
someone who is worthy...

of continuing my legacy.

- What'd you say?
- You heard what I said.

You find a hero for us women
or you're canceled.

And tell Jesus to call me back!

Huh?

It's hard being God, man.

That ain't gonna be
no easy task, even for Him.

And so
God's search began

for someone who could
carry Hoprah's torch,

and empower the women
of the world.

But we all know that whenever
God gives an assignment,

the devil always tries
to get in the way

and block your blessing.

I'll tell you, I don't know
who the hell He thinks He is.

I'm going to screw
this whole plan up.

This is
my auntie, MaDude.

MaDude: Bring your ancient ass
down here and eat now.

If God can use her,
God can use anybody.

I can't be late today.
Taylor coming by.

And I'mma need your help
to get this barbecue together.

Bring your old ass down here.

Who the hell you calling old?

Oh, you been sitting
here for 10 days.

Well, hell, I was
calling your ass old.

You answered to it,
is you dumb too?

Know damn well
I ain't old. Gee, no.

MaDude: And what
the hell you got

all this shit hooked
up to you for, anyway?

Hell, I need all this shit.

This shit right here
is keeping me alive.

That's my little oxygen tank
right there

so I don't have to
smell you all day.

Got my little pump over there.

This shit right here is
about to kill me.

But what the hell you wanna
stay alive for anyway?

Shit, you old as hell.

I ain't too old to know
terrible cooking when I see it.

The hell you done made?

Boy, that's some,
that's some eggs,

and some chicken and some--

The hell you got
a fried breast implant in here?

You ain't supposed to have
feathers in the damn eggs.

No way! Look at that.

MaDude: Boy, that is seasoning,
you old kook.

That's what that is.

Seasoning my... I ain't seen
no, not a Lawry's on here,

not a spec of salt or pepper.
Now, what is this?

Got a damn chicken foot up in
here. Look, it got two of 'em.

Look at this, look, with
the nails on it and everything.

Well, ain't you heard that every
good chef put their foot in it?

Oh, Lord, it stink too,
just like you.

Boy, I swear I want to kill
your ass right here.

I just wanna step on your face.

You know, woman

you a deadly combination

of ugly and dumb equally.

Hell, now, where you
trying to run off to

with your little ugly ass
dress on?

- Taylor is coming to help me.
- Who?

Taylor is your son, now.
You know your son--

Oh, hell, shit. You know how he
ain't my son. You know why?

'Cause the boy is delicate.

I'm so tired of you talking
about your son Taylor like that.

That's my favorite nephew.

Ain't nobody in
my family delicate but him.

MaDude: Just 'cause
the Black man is educated,

keep himself clean,
or well groomed,

looking nice don't mean
that he is delicate.

The boy is, uh, eclectic.

He ain't no damn eclectic.
I know eclectic.

Hell,
Patti LaBelle was eclectic.

Plus, I don't even think
he my son.

You know what?

Waiting for the results
from Maury.

- He ain't my damn son.
- I swear.

I swear. You know what? You
should just go ahead and die.

MaDude: Just get
it on over with.

Hell, your-- your penis
done passed away already--

You keep my penis out
your mouth now.

Hell, talking about my penis,
my penis is just fine.

Long as I got my,
what you call it, Niagra?

My, my... The Lavitra.

And Cialis. I'm good to go.
That's what they tell me.

Where the hell you good
to go to, the clinic?

- Hell...
- The ED clinic?

No, I got the libido
of a 25-year-old man.

Spell libido. I'll give you $5.
Go ahead and do it.

- That's what I thought.

I'm done talking to your old
ass. Eat that damn food, boy.

As you'll see,
my true life's purpose

had not yet been revealed.

But that all changed the day I
was put on the righteous path.

The day my destiny began.

The day I met God.

Ooh!

Man. What should we use today?

Let's see saints and sinners,
ooh, that look nice.

I could have swore I seen... No.

Boy, I must be going crazy.

Now, I know I did not leave that
TV on, and why is it staticky?

Doesn't I pay the bill?
This must be HD.

Taylor Pherry,
how am I doing?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- Very perceptive, my son.
- Oh, my God. Oh, oh, my God.

Relax, relax, relax.
Dude, chill out.

Are you really God?

Ah, don't tell me you was
expecting Jim Carrey

or something.

Well, M-- Morgan Freeman, actually.

You know he play
in all the pictures.

Morgan Free... Man,
I ain't no Morgan Freeman.

Now listen,
you know Hoprah, right?

Yeah.

Well, she needs
to find someone

that can empower
the women of the world,

and I need your help because
my son, you are blessed.

God said I was blessed.

Mmm. Am I highly favored too?

Okay. I have lost my mind.
I'm crazy.

Judge Loreal: You, sir,
are going to have to learn

how to respect Black women.

Coming in all times
of the night,

assaulting her because she
found out about your affairs.

But Your Honor,
I didn't have an affair.

I'm not even, like, married.

Judge Loreal:
You didn't have an affair?

What do you call all those girls
from the music video, huh?

I don't do music videos.

So you get 'em on
the casting couch?

Judge Loreal: Hit it,
then quit it, right?

No, I've never met these women
before. I don't even sing.

Well, you're a man that's been
accused. That makes you guilty.

Three years.
Case closed. Next case.

I'm getting locked up
for something I didn't even do.

Court calls Roland Lewis.

Guilty.
Case closed. Next case.

But-- but I'm a white man
wearing a suit.

Get your ass out my courtroom.

Should have a chance
to defend myself.

Court calls Darnell Evans
and Ellen Evans.

Are you okay, cousin?
You nervous?

No, not at all. I'm happy I'm
getting a divorce from that bum.

Look at him with those ugly,
skinny ass white women.

Just no asses at all.

- Okay, come on.
- Okay.

Here we are, Your Honor.
We're right here.

Well, hey there,
Counselor Fairy.

It's actually pronounced Harry,
Your Honor. Taylor Pherry.

Oh, I, I always
thought it was fairy.

It's-- it's called Harry.
The P is silent.

Oh, okay. You got that, Mary?

Yes, Your Honor.
His P don't work.

I duly noted, Mr. "Harry".

Mr. Evans, who are these women?

Well, you see, Your Honor,

this right here is Karen,
and this one right here,

this is Karen, and that one
right there, her name is Karen.

These are my publicists
from the KKK and associates.

They don't look like
publicists to me.

Well, you see, Your Honor,

these are the women
who gave me the money

to pay for my lawyers.

That's what white women do.
They pay for shit.

- That's all they can do.
- Okay. Okay.

Well, after
carefully reviewing this case,

I have made a decision.

Your wife who has been
by your side since day one.

Day one.

She put you through
college, law school,

and stood by your side
through thick and thin.

And if this strong woman

can stand by your sorry,
no-good bum ass,

then she deserves to get half
of all of your possessions.

Half?

I gotta give up
one and a half of my Karens?

- Half, girlfriend.
- Half?

Oh, hell no.

Told your ass about them
damn cigarettes, I did.

- Trying to kill yourself.
- Don't you worry about me.

I'mma smoke as much as
I damn please. Hell.

- They my lungs.
- Mm-hmm.

That's why I got these
little backup ones over here.

Got two brand
new lungs in there.

I used to have, uh,
a lamb's heart somewhere,

but I can't seem to
locate it nowhere.

I swear you the nastiest,

ooh, you just the nastiest,
nastiest thing I ever seen.

I don't know why the hell
I let you live with me.

I don't-- I don't know why.

Because you think you gon'
get my money when I'm gone.

- That's right.
- Oh, oh, I'mma get your money!

And I'mma donate
your brain to science

and then I'm gonna get Moe's
money, Moe's money, Moe's money.

Till they find out
your brain ain't worth no money,

no money, no money.

You think you got jokes?
You know what you gon' get?

You gon' get
this gas money.

Take that with you.
Take that gas money with you.

- That's what you gon' get.
- Oh, goddamn you nasty as hell.

That's all you gon' to get. Ooh!

Who the hell is this?
MaDude: That's Taylor, fool.

Look at this boy, here.

6'8" and driving
a damn Mazda Miata.

What? He ought to be
ashamed of his damn self.

And does he look like a man

that could throw
a 10-yard pass to you?

You know what,
you gon' pass away

if you don't watch your mouth.

You ever seen a shark belch?

I seen a, a dinosaur belch.

Well, I have
and I'mma see it again

if you don't watch
your mouth,

MaDude: and stop smoking
them damn cigarettes.

Don't you worry about me
and my damn cigarettes.

Get my house all messed up.

Hey, baby, come on over here.
Oh, that's disgusting.

You ain't supposed to be kissing
your own child in the mouth.

- What the hell y'all doing?
- That is your son.

- Hell it is.
- Dad!

Well, hell, they must have
tricked me.

I took my money down,
I said, "Look,

gimme two pit bull puppies."
Came back with this one.

I thought you were
supposed to be in court?

- What you doing here?
- We won.

But, MaDude, I need you
to come with me right now.

We gotta get to the house.

- Ellen needs your help.
- Oh!

- We gotta go.
- Well, hell, let's go!

Let's go. Come on. Yeah.

Get your big ass out this house.
Now, I can see the TV.

Smell better in here already.

You gotta put on
your seatbelt.

Oh, damn, boy. I got
my knees up to my titties.

It's the law.

Boy, you better worry
about your damn self.

This matchbox ass car.

Oh, you know,
I love this car.

It's tiny, sleek and powerful.

Sends a tingling sensation
up my spine.

I got a tiny little version
of this in my nightstand too.

She do all the good things,
works all the areas real good.

You know, this morning,
right before court, God told me

I'm supposed to empower
all the women of the world.

Oh damn, boy. With all your
jobs, God got you pimping too?

I mean, God came to me
and he told me that

that he wants me to empower
the women of the world.

Wait, what?

MaDude: Boy, I swear
something ain't right with you

and we're gonna pray on it.

Oo-wee!

MaDude: Boy, you're going too
fast. Slow down now. Slow down!

MaDude: Shit, my wig!
- Oh!

- Good God.
- Wow!

Boy. You got me out here
looking like the Dora Milaje.

You done cost me
another damn wig.

Well, use one of mine.

Here you go.

The hell you got a wig for, boy?

I'm a Boy Scout.
I'm always prepared.

When God said empower,

I bet he was
talking about Ellen.

Well, MaDude, thank you so much

for coming to
help me get my things.

Listen, I'm a little nervous.
It might get violent.

Oh, that's okay. Violence is my
Tinder name baby. Let's go.

Okay, let's go.

If anything goes down,
I got your bail money.

Yeah. So I was saying...

MaDude's gonna now take care of
this. What the hell is this?

Is this Shaka Zulu
interior design?

- You came back to cry?
- No!

I bet you when you leave here,

you gon' go tell all the Black
women that Darnell ain't shit.

But guess what?
You right. Darnell ain't shit.

- Get your ass out my house.
- Hell nah.

- She ain't going nowhere.
- MaDude, mind your business.

'Cause I'll fight a woman

if that's what
your big ass really is.

Oh, okay. Come on Lil Achi.
You feeling froggy? Come on, leap.

Okay. Okay. No. Okay, listen.
Peace. Let's try peace y'all.

No, girl. Peace don't work. Hell
nah. The judge, she said half.

I'm about to whoop her big ass.

What are doing,
MaDude? No, no, no.

- And we gonna start right here.
- No, MaDude.

Whoo! What else needs to be cut?

- Come on over here.
- No, no!

Oh, yeah, this
Shaka Zulu shit got to go!

Why would you do that?

Oh, now, what is this ugly ass
shit you got on this wall?

This the Monique Lisa? Yeah.

That's a ugly monstrosity
you don't want that?

I ain't cutting that shit
for you. This TV though.

Look at that, ooh!
Why would you do that?

Oh, now, this here. This
definitely needs to get cut.

Now look at that.

Lord, I'm gonna pray
for you, MaDude.

Girl, you ain't
gotta pray for me.

You gotta pray for his ass
if he don't get out my way.

- Anything in here you want?
- Don't touch the closet, don't.

I need to get
some things outta there.

Oh, no! Oh, my.
- Girl. What's in this kitchen?

- You hungry?
- MaDude, no!

The judge said half,
your ass is gonna get half.

Look at that. Damn!

You know, I can't have this,
I'm on keto.

Now look here, I might have
flunked out of beauty school,

but not before I learned
a few tips.

That's right.

- Look at that. Look at that.
- Wait, wait, wait. MaDude, no!

I'm the best barber
you ever saw.

Ooh, girl, I did a good job.

Hell, maybe you can
get you a man now.

Edward Scissorhands
ain't got shit on me.

Ah! He's gonna
get so mad at me.

MaDude. Wait a minute, will ya?

Now that is what you call
a haircut. Oo-wee!

MaDude: I ain't seen
an edge that straight

since Meg Thee Stallion.

That's the cops? Shit, I already
got two strikes. I gotta go.

Girl, I ain't got time
to do your mustache. Next time.

Ha!

Lord Jesus.

When God said
he wanted me to empower women,

I'm not sure
he meant like this.

- Darnell.
- What?

I don't care what the judge
says. I still love you.

I don't care
that you slept with my sister.

Now I got a daughter-niece.

I don't care that you gave me
the crotch critters twice.

I don't care about any of that.

Damn woman.
You don't care about nothing?

No, I just wanna have your baby.

You've been my husband
for 11 years.

And I've been cheating
on you for 12.

- But I love you.
- And I don't love you.

- We can make this work out.
- No, you gon' be moving out.

How could you do this to me?

How could I do what, huh? Watch
out, Karen. How can I do what?

This? Huh?

- Not today, sucka. Yah!
- Oh, shit. What the hell?

- All I did was love you.
- Oh, no, don't do this.

- I told you!
- Why you doing this to me?

Another dead body moving
through the oval.

And another one.
I was a good woman.

You had this coming,
you had this coming.

I can't believe it.

Why you doing this to me?

Help! Help!

I can't... Tsu--
Tsunami. I can't swim, girl.

Oh, just stand up, stupid.

Oh! Damn it.

I'm 'bout to whoop your ass.

Empowerment comes
in many forms.

I guess.

One thing I can say
about my cousin Ellen,

when one man was gone,

another man was right
around the corner

and he kinda seemed similar.

Where you come from?

I'm an angel.

Why do you sound like
a R&B Auto-Tune singer?

You see, girl, this is my
regular seductive voice

and T-Pain is
my play step-daddy.

I don't get in
the car with strangers.

Hold that thought.

Does this body look
strange to you?

Airbrushed, maybe,
but I guess not strange.

The name's Tallahassee.

Not to be confused with Orlando.

Now, we not strangers no more.
So do yourself a favor, girl.

Get on in this truck
and let me ride you

to wherever you need to go.

I got nowhere to go.

I swear to God, he try me,

I'mma whip
his little fragile ass.

Yeah, come on girl.
I got you. I got you. I got you.

Come on. Get up in this truck.
Get up in this truck.

Get up in this truck.

Okay.

Watch your bunions, girl.

I don't know why I'm doing this.

Body never fails me.

I don't
even know this man.

Alright.

Alright.

Do me a favor,

steer for me, baby.

My name's not baby, it's Ellen.

Okay, well, since
you're not gonna do it,

I'm gonna have to go ahead
and get my workout right here.

You see most people got guns.

I got dogs.

Okay, listen. My godmother
lives all the way across town.

Uh-huh. It's all good.

My godmother
live over there too.

I'm just gonna run by
my crib right quick

and then I'm gonna ride you
all the way there.

- Oh, oh!
- Yeah.

Thank you so much
for doing all this for me.

Yeah, it's all good.

You know I do have
rather large areolas.

- Yeah, they are large.
- Yeah.

It might be all those sexy
steroids I be taking.

You got to excuse me.

Sometimes I turn myself on.

Are you... You-- you--
you gotta be kidding me.

Ready to go?

I ain't got nowhere else to go.

You in for the time
of your life, girl.

So don't you
worry about nothing.

You better make it
happen, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Right here, baby. Here's
a special drink I made for you.

I drink it all the time. That's
how I look the way I look.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

- You see I put bananas in it.
- Uh-huh.

Most people just use the banana.

- I use the banana and the peel.
- Oh, okay.

I also use a little bit of
Red Bull. It gives you wings.

I don't, I don't wanna fly.

Yeah, you do just a little bit.

I put a little bit of coke
in it without the can.

No, no, no. Okay.

And, mmm. Okay, oh.

There you go, baby.
It'll do your body right.

Um, you know, I want
some real food,

you know, like Waffle House

or White Castle
something, anything.

- Not this.
- No, no, no, no, no.

- You don't want that crap.
- I do.

You see this here, right here.

It's gonna help get rid
of ya lady lumps.

Uh, excuse me. That is not
how you talk to a lady.

Uh, excuse me.

But I don't expect we are here
to do much talking now, are we?

I guess you right.

You damn right I'm right.

Now we just gonna tighten
that up and tighten that up,

little dat. Tighten it up,
and you'll be as tight as me.

I don't wanna look like you.

I just need you to
relax and trust me,

and let me do
my thing. Hands up.

Ooh. Ah!

You like my stick, you like
my magic stick, don't you?

You ready for the new you?
Spin around for me.

Woo-wee! Damn. I'm good.

Come on and check
yourself out, girl.

Come on over to the window
and look at yourself.

- Voila.
- Damn. I do look good.

You do, but I look better.

- Oh, no. I look better.
- Oh, hell no. I look better.

Look at them biceps, girl.
Oh, shit. Where we going?

Damn.

You do know my areolas
won first place

in the Mr. America pageant.
Damn, girl.

Shut up and take it like a man.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I didn't know you was gon' go

all "Fifty Shades of Grey"
on a brother.

You do know that's
white people shit, right?

Shut your ass up.

- What the hell is that?
- My electric toothbrush.

You ain't about to use
a toothbrush on my ass.

I'm about to use
this toothbrush up your ass.

- No, you ain't.
- Yes, I am!

Hell no!

Can't believe she
done tied my hair up.

- What you still doing in bed?
- Oh, come on. Let me go.

Oh, you want a little more
before I go.

No, I want you to
untie me so I can go.

- Oh, you been bad?
- No. What's wrong with you?

What the heck? Ow! Ow!

- Say my name!
- Evil?

- That's not my name.
- Crazy?

- That's not my name.
- Deranged?

Say my name. Boy, say my name.

I thought you was a Christian.

Helluur. Y'all better
eat this food now.

Coming from a family

of professionals and
non-professionals,

our family is just like
any other.

What you got,
Sly and the Family Stone?

If you
really look for it,

finding empowerment of women

can even be found
at our family barbecue.

Black, what the hell
is you doing?

MaDude: I swear to God if you
make my meat as black as you is,

we're gonna have problems.

I-- I'm trying to make me
some crispy ribs.

I am the king
of Atlanta barbecuing.

Who told you that lie, mothersucker?

Oh, oh, this how
I make my living.

I can tell, that's why your
ass is broke as hell

with them Ronald McDonald Socks.

Don't burn my meat. Hey,
everybody. Y'all looking good.

You looking good today.

I'mma show you how to do it
up in here. I need more.

Whoo!

In Atlanta they make it flame.

- Whoo!
- The hell you doing over here?

Oh, Lord. Here comes
the Grinch that stole ugly.

I know you ain't calling
nobody ugly.

MaDude: You about as pretty as
a murder scene.

Well, can you even see
them damn dominoes?

Know your ass can't count.

Look, they used to
call her lowenbrau.

One nipple was low.
The other one had a eyebrow.

Boy, I should have
killed you in your crib

when you was born. I don't know
why the hell we let you live.

Help! Help me! Help me!

Take this, domino, you summa
bitches. Game over.

- Help me! Help me!
- You lost again.

Well, look at this crispy
nigga over here.

- Help me, help me!
- Ain't that something.

Boy, stop, drop and roll, nigga.
Stop, drop and roll!

Boy, don't be trying to burn up
my grass, now what you doing?

I think you better save
that for the meat.

It's hot as hell out here

and he's trying to
burn up the grass.

This some good water? Boy...

In the name of the father.

Always doing the Lord's work.

I believe family
also means familiar,

and God knows why
I'm saying that.

I taste like bacon.

You look good.

Girl, I look great, but
I didn't wanna look this good.

- No, why not?
- Oh, I look like a hoochie.

- A hoochie mama, for real?
- Yes.

I don't think so. I think
you're taking it too far.

No, he took it too far.
Girl, I actually got hips.

- You do.
- And my butt sits too high.

- It does.
- Yeah.

And if he think
he gonna keep changing my body

for his likings,
he's got another thing coming.

I guess God wants me to
learn about female empowerment

before I can be empowering.

Hey, Black, now I know
as big as your ass is

you know how to make
some chicken.

- I do.
- Come on now.

I like my chicken
without salmonella.

Now are these chicken breast
or it's your breast?

Is you slow in the head?
Somebody hit you?

Bitch, that is chicken
and you better make it right.

Hey, girls, how y'all doing?
I'm so glad y'all here, ladies.

Y'all good? Y'all feeling good?

Ooh, sure is a nice day
for a picnic.

Yeah, it's all for me, her, her,
her. All of us.

Darnell, I know you didn't bring

them ugly ass Karens
up to my cookout.

MaDude: Boy, I can barely
stand your ass anyway.

You better get them away
from my grill.

I seen more ass on a snake.

Come on girls. MaDude's tripping
and she's packing.

That's right,
you better get them girls

MaDude: away from my damn grill.

Bro. Come on Karens.
MaDude: Come on now.

Y'all ain't moving
fast enough for me.

Gets it moving. Chop, chop.

I don't ever wanna
see, taste, touch,

talk, walk, do nothing
with that girl, man.

Man, it couldn't have been
that bad.

Oh, it was.

But you have those
wonderful abs.

She must've been
everything you needed.

- Man, that's what I thought.
- Wow.

Oh. Here's-- here's
my cousin. Ellen?

Hey... What are you doing here?

- This the crazy woman...
- This the crazy man...

- I was telling about!
- I was telling about!

You left me for dead, girl.
Why you gotta be so mean, woman?

Mean? You don't know me.

You don't know what
I've been through.

You mean to tell me you gonna
make the new brother

pay for
the last brother mistakes?

- Somebody gotta pay. Amen.
- Hell yeah, somebody gotta pay.

So you just another
mad Black woman, huh?

So what you gon' do?

Go home and write in your diary

about your raggedy ass weave?

Raggedy ass weave?

You should be the last person
to talk about somebody having...

Girl, my hair is luxurious.

You know what? I got something
from you. Stay right there.

I'm standing right here.
I ain't running.

- Oh!
- I got wet! My waist is wet!

Maybe I'm not
the right person for this job.

My abs are melting. Oh no, girl.

You know, it took me
all week to paint these on.

- Should've took longer.
- Why would you do this?

Boy, stop all
that windmilling shit.

Oh, no!

Ooh! My waist is wet.

Well, at least I still
got my areolas.

I got something for
areolas too. Hold on.

Get him again.
He gonna run outta here?

But don't run too far, baby.

You got your abs
in a puddle in this grass.

Boy, you better come
clean this shit up.

With everything I am,
I'm only one man.

Yo "Fairy", wanna ball?

Uh, it's Pherry.
I don't mess with P.

We need one more.
Get over here. We chests.

I'd love to play!

Male Empowerment.

God never said
nothing about that.

I love this game.
Thank you, God. Balls! Balls!

Oh, crap.

- Yo, Taylor.
- Oh, God.

- How was the cookout?
- Uh...

Not really good,
you know. My family is...

They, um, they crazy.
The shit they get...

Oh, stuff, the stuff
they get themselves into.

Well, it's up to
you to change that.

I have an idea and I'm
gonna need you to commit to it.

If not, I'm out of a job.

Oh, I'll-- I'll do
anything for you, God.

Great. I need you
to become a writer.

- A writer? A writer?
- A writer. A writer.

I can't do that, I mean,
I'm a doctor, a lawyer,

a-- a hotel manager,
a badminton coach,

an architect, an unlicensed
plumber, a mover, a shaker.

I don't know nothing
about writing.

Do you know what
a plot point is?

- No. Hell no.
- A good storyline.

- I ain't never heard of that.
- Your family's crazy, right?

They'll have all the drama,

the comedy,
and the horror you need.

You're gonna write a play.

- What? What?
- Better yet, a movie.

Include me and Hoprah.

But you can do bad
all by yourself.

It's gonna be
a box office hit.

W-- well, what if I-- I screw up
everything for the whole world?

Have faith, Taylor,
you're on a divine path.

Speaking of which,
you better take that.

Alright, that's it. Gotta go.
This fellow Putin is tripping.

Hey, hey, hey Julie.

I can't take another
minute of this traffic.

It's driving me crazy.

I meant to ask you for
a favor at the cookout,

but I got caught up
eating chicken.

What can I do for you?

I need a good driver
for tomorrow.

Say no more. I'm on my way.

Woo! God be talking his ass off.

First female empowerment.

Now, God wants me
to write a movie?

Dear diary, today,
I took my mother's advice

and I need spaghetti, sauce,
ground turkey meat,

turkey sausage, mushrooms,
garlic, oh, and vodka.

I sure hope it tastes good.

With everything
I've been going through, diary,

I need some comfort
and joy in my life.

Lately, it just feels

like a sad little rain cloud
follows me everywhere I go.

Ugh!

Yo baby, you need a ride?

No, I can wait for the bus.

Girl, go on and hop
into this truck.

Can't you see the lightning?

I'm fine.

All this rain gonna make
your gout swell up, girl.

I can wait for the bus.

Besides, I'm a new woman

and this woman don't ride
with certain types of men.

Why you gotta be so mean, woman?

Why you gotta be so nice, man?

Look just get in the truck.

The next bus don't come
for about an hour.

Okay, okay. Let me get in.

Yep. Get your ass in, girl.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

- Here, get my purse.
- I got you.

Come on now. Come on.
Yep, I got you. Come on.

- There you go. Close the door.
- Okay, hold on.

Is this what God meant

when he said my family's
like no other

or are we all the same
like my cousin Monte Carlo?

You girls get ready. Your mama
is gonna be here soon.

Hey, come on in.

How is my favorite limo, Lyft,
Uber driving cousin?

Take your shoes off
at the door if you don't mind.

Oh, as disgusting as this place
is, I absolutely do mind.

Why don't we take the floor up?

- Ah!
- Fair enough.

So what do I owe
this surprise visit

from the most prominent prestigious

lawyer, surgeon and employee
in the entire city?

- Well, I've got a job for you.
- Mm, you got a job?

- Yes. High paying job.
- Ooh!

Make your own hours. I've been
calling you. Do you want it?

I gotta say extra money
is always needed around here.

You know I got the three kids,
maybe two, four baby mamas

and you know,
I'm trying to get that chicken

and check cashing
place off the ground.

Chicken and check cashing?
That don't go together.

Neither does chicken
and waffles,

but you see how that blew up.

Oh, you know what, cuz,

I am very,
very proud of you.

With three years in prison,
three little girls

Not Precious, Least Precious,
Not Precious at all

you really got
your stuff together.

That's right, you see,
'cause hate put me in there.

- But love busted me out.
- Love busted you out.

Tell me about it.
Tell me about the job.

Well, her name is Julie.
She's a lawyer.

She's an Ivy League attorney.
She needs a driver.

And I can give you a car today.

What kind of car we talking?

Well look, I've got exotic cars.
I've got a Bugatti.

I've got a Lamborghini.
I've got a Porsche.

Wait. Stop right there.

Yes.

You know I don't do exotic cars.

I need something with
a carburetor, you know.

- Well, I've got a truck.
- Sold.

Okay. Gimme a minute
to put on some clean clothes.

Okay, I am ready. Alright.

You girls fix yourself
some dinner.

Here you go. That's for you.

And whatever you do,
please don't open the door

for any strangers.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are we sure we want
to leave the girls alone?

I mean, somebody's gotta watch
daddy's little girls.

Oh, don't worry about that,
man. They stay strapped.

Ready for any unwanted police
officers. She might not be mine.

Come on.

Bye, daddy.

Again. You gotta
stop calling me that.

He's like
a movie character, right?

I get Idris vibes.

In my movie, he's comedy relief

and Julie could use
some comedy in her life.

That I know.

- Are you gonna open the door?
- Uh, you want me to...

Oh, yeah. I just thought
you was gonna open it for me.

- Me open it for you?
- Yeah. I just, I don't know.

Lemme finish sending
this picture real quick.

I-- I-- I'll wait. It's no rush.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I'm--
I'm in no rush.

- Get the door.
- Goddamn. Chill.

Please open that door.

Dang, you can be polite.

What's up?
Ná#á#, you a fool.

If you don't come
close this door...

You want me to close
the door too?

Open and close the door.

Act like you ain't never
closed a door before.

You didn't say open and close
is in the job description.

Hey. Yeah.

I can't believe the jury came
back from deliberation so soon.

This is a good sign for us.

I bet you think I'm listening in

on your conversation,
'cause I'm not.

I'm talk...

Excuse me, Mr. Carlo?
I said excuse me.

Hey, yo, Charlie.
Hey, what up with it, man?

Ain't nothing, man,
I'm just sitting here,

chilling at the new gig, man.

Hello, hey, driver?

What? Rollo got shot? When?

Just, he's on the phone.
Can you turn the music down?

Hey, bitch, can't you see
I'm on the phone? That's rude.

I'm on the phone too.

Hey. Who shot him?
Who shot him? The baby?

Man, the baby love
killing people, man.

This is completely
and utterly unprofessional.

Was he at Walmart again? I told
him the savings are at Target!

Hello? Hello?

God. Damn. My phone got cut off.

Look, and I need to get
to the courthouse.

Relax, sugar tits. I'mma get
you there, you in good hands.

- Forget Allstate.
- If you don't watch the road.

Hey, keep your goddamn kids
off the street.

That's bad parenting
right there, man.

I've always said that.
- Where are you going?

You need to, to stay on I-95.

Like, w-- why are you getting
off the freeway?

Oh, trust me, I know how
to get to the courthouse.

No, you need to stay on I-95.

Get off on downtown
and make a right.

- Well, so why are we stopping?
- 'Cause we here, stupid.

Uh...

Next time, I need you to
follow instructions. Okay?

- And why am I opening my door?
- 'Cause you got hands. Bitch.

You're supposed to be a driver.

Can't admit when
you wrong, shit.

Ooh, I'll tell Taylor.
Weak ass.

Don't know why I did this.

Goddamn.

God is good. Won't he do it?
Mm-mm-mm.

Everyone has
that family member

who's always struggling.

Well, Beverly is mine.

If it's not men, it's money.

But this is how
she met the Browns.

I mean the Blacks. The Blacks!
It's how she met the Blacks!

Oh, good morning, Ms. Mildew.

Don't good morning me.
You got my money?

I'll have it for you this
evening when I get paid.

Well, you better.
All of it, and I ain't playing.

Okay. Alright.
Bye-bye, Ms. Mildew.

I ain't gonna have her money.

Bitch better have my money.

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

Oh, man! Come on. What the hell?

- Stop, stop, stop.
- What are you doing?

Hi, whoo! My friend's coming?
Can you just wait for her?

No, we got to go.
You making me late. Come on.

You know if she miss the bus,
she's gonna lose her job.

And if I miss the next stop,
then I lose my job. Come on now.

Come on, bro. Just wait.

No, no. Have a seat.
Sit down. Sit down.

Okay, okay, okay. What if
I show you my breasts?

What? Don't nobody wanna
see your silicone breast.

If I wanna see some plastic,
I'll reach in my back pocket

and I'll pull out
my credit card.

Come on. Just wait
for her, please.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Show me
the nipple. Show me the nipple.

Goddamn!

Okay. Alright, alright.
Which one? Where she at?

Oh, that's her. That's her.
Right there. Stop it.

Alright, I see her.
Come on then.

Come on, shorty.
Come on. Let's go.

Let's go, let's go.

Whoo! Thank you for waiting.

Don't thank me.
Thank her nipple.

- Girl, you took forever.
- Good lord, Jesus.

Beverly is like
every other lead in the movie.

She's likable.

Thank you. I appreciate you.

Like Angela Bassett.

I appreciate you now.

- Ooh, girl.
- Girl, that was crazy.

You are always looking out
for me.

- You know I got you.
- You crazy, but you my girl.

You made sure I'm
straight. You check on my baby.

- I even show my breast, girl.
- You got my, oh, you did what?

Yes.

What the hell is going on here?

Man 1: I need all of you
to vacate the premises.

The first time I'm on time to
work and then this shit happens.

- We don't know what's going on.
- Place is closed.

What do you mean
the place is closed?

How? I just met with
the Browns last night.

Plus, they are
super nice people.

I don't think they're gonna
close down without telling us.

COVID Infinity. Place is closed
until further notice.

Go home. You're making me work.

I didn't even get
my last check.

I didn't get mine either.

- Go home.
- What?

Man 1: Let's go, everyone.
You're interrupting my lunch.

What am I gonna do?
I owe Ms. Mildew.

If I don't pay her, she gonna
put my Kiki out on the street

to pay her her money back.

I mean, why don't you
ask your son's father?

He owes you over $80,000
in back child support.

- Wait, how do you know that?
- He told me last night.

Wait, you didn't know
he was hitting this?

I be screaming your name
every night.

Oh, you're so sweet,
but I do need that money.

Oh, but he's gonna kill me
if I ask him for it.

I'm gonna ask him for you

because he don't
ever say no to me.

Okay.

- Got you, girl.
- Well, let's go get this money.

Let's go get it, girl.

Okay, I'm gonna be strong.
This is his kid too.

Beverly! What the hell
are you doing here?

I thought I told you
I ain't got no money for you

or them ugly ass kids.
Now get on!

Scat!

Hey, Shirley, baby.
What's going on?

- Michael, baby, how are you?
- I'm doing fine.

Yes, you know, Michael.

She really, really needs
her child support money.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Is that what she needs?
- Yeah.

Why don't you just like,
help her?

If you ask, then it's yours.
Okay? Yeah.

Oh, thank you so much, Michael.

We really need it, the kids need
ramen, they need Cheetos--

- I was talking to her.
- But--

Not you! I ain't
got no goddamn money.

I am working my ass off
securing this empty ass spot.

Working for a ass-hole boss
that I can't stand,

on three hours of sleep. Why?

Because I am trying to make
a better life for myself.

That's what's wrong
with you Black mothers.

You lazy. You don't wanna work.

I am not lazy, Michael.
I do work.

Nah, you lazy as hell.

See, I told you don't have
that damn baby.

But here you come trying to mess
up my expensive lifestyle

with your needs. Hell no!

Way to go, Michael.
I'm giving you a raise.

Oh! You hear that?

More money for you
to do nothing with.

Nothing.

- Come on, man.
- Deuces.

I'm gonna buy you
an ice cold glass of water.

I got something for your ass.

Oh, you dirty mother--

Oh, shit.

God says my family's
like a movie.

Then it must be, right?
God's never wrong.

And if God's not wrong,
then Beverly could be a star.

Look, this all started
because of Trump.

Now how did he become president?

Angel 6: That's a good question.

Hey, wasn't on me.
That wasn't me.

I mean, I-- I-- I never
answered his prayer.

- You're right. You're right.
- I did give him the voice.

It's a lot of
great people on both sides.

Lots of great people on both
sides. Excuse me. Excuse me.

Fake angels. Fake angels.

You like that?

Toast me.

We have
comedy and drama,

and I know about my cousin.

Julie might even be his type.

Mm, mm, mm How'd it go?

This motherfucker.
I guess I'll let myself in.

- Ooh, she's pretty.
- Is she gonna be our new mama?

How did they get in my car?

Look, I gotta take these kids
to they mama house.

Unless you wanna
roll around with them all day.

Then I gotta go pick up
the 3-year-old from the dentist

'cause she's getting
her wisdom teeth pulled.

If you don't take these kids
home and drop me off...

- I have a date tonight.
- Okay. Gonna get to your date.

Okay. Come on. Come on, come on.

There we go. Ha!

Alright, now listen girls,

no matter what
anybody tells you,

you might not be
daddy's little girls.

Off you go.

You ain't slick.

And next time you come out here,

you better not have
no kids with you!

Gimme my goddamn money!
Bye, bitch!

Get y'all asses
in the house.

Now one thing I've
learned about my friend Julie,

when it comes to men,
she has a type, the wrong type.

Girl, Now you know
I don't like blind dates,

but last time I went
on a blind date,

we met at the movies
and afterwards,

he started handing out
"Watchtower" pamphlets.

Come to find out he is
a Jehovah Witness.

I'm not that desperate.

Okay, maybe I am.
Lemme call you back.

- I'm Rob.
- Hi.

- You are beautiful.
- Thank you.

So what do you do?

I am a district attorney.
I try cases.

- What kind of cases?
- Anything assigned to me.

Mostly felony, drugs. Murder.

Oh, man, you are the girl
I've been looking for.

Look, I got this small case.

Allegedly, allegedly,
they caught me with nine kilos

of some Colombian Bambam.

So, I'm trying to put the dope
in my girlfriend's car, right,

so she could take the wrap--

Next.

Switch.

- You married?
- No.

- Got a girlfriend?
- No.

- Wife?
- No.

- Baby mom?
- No.

- Hmm, you got a job?
- I'm an architectural engineer.

That's my future husband's job.
So why are you single?

I just got out of a relationship
and yeah, I'm done with men.

- These mens are no good.
- Oh, next!

Man 2: Switch!

After I do all that securing and
watching perimeters, you know,

it's really hard just doing
nothing all night long.

You see, I'm looking
for a sugar mama

that's go' pay my bills,
and, you know, complete me.

I'm looking to start a family.

- Next!
- Switch.

Ugh, God, what am I doing here?

You must be tired
of all this, huh?

Uh...

Quite frankly, I am.

Then why do you put
yourself through it?

Because it's really hard
to find men within my field.

Then why don't you stop telling
people your line of work?

- Maybe I should.
- Maybe you should.

- Huh.
- Yeah.

So tell me about yourself.

I went to Yale.

- Yale?
- Yes.

- Harvard.
- Harvard?

Some Ivy League Love.

Ivy League Love. I like that.

Yes.

Get away from my daddy!

Oh, who the hell
is this, Spencer?

Baby, um, this... Listen.

Uh, I didn't know you had
a pregnant wife.

Bitch, I ain't pregnant.
This is my colostomy bag.

- She...
- That don't look right.

She's not my wife.
I'm not really her husband.

Let's go.
Get in the car, Spencer.

No, no, no, no.
You got me messed up.

Spencer Jr.: Stay away from
my daddy, you garden tool.

- I'm not no garden tool.
- I told...

Why are you tracking
me down like this?

Woman 1: Let's go.

Do you have my money?

I-- I'll have it
by tomorrow. I promise.

That's the problem
with you young mothers

always thinking
about yourselves.

Here you go, Ms. Mildew. No need
to count it. It's all there.

Okay. Thank you, baby.

Your daughter's one of
my best workers.

Don't think I'mma let you
mess that up.

What am I gonna do?

Oh, so my family
may have some stories.

Like Michael. That boy
sure can play basketball.

Even if he has no fashion sense.

Yes, baby!

Woo! Go, baby! Go baby! Woo!

Get off of him.

That's not your son
talking to my son, right?

He better get off his back.

Let's go. Let's go, baby!

Shoot it, shoot it, shoot it.

Yes, Michael! Go baby!

Oh, my goodness.
You were so good.

But what was going on
with those shoes, though?

They were raggedy. W-- why
didn't you just wear those?

I can't wear those on that court.

I might get 'em dirty.

Listen, I got these.

- Where you get...
- I got these.

Where you get these from?
Okay. My baby a hustler.

Can we sell these so that I can
get my nails done now?

- It's up to you.
- Okay, cool.

Nail shop tomorrow.
- Hey yo, Michael.

- Good game, baby.
- Calvin?

What are you still doing
in high school?

I couldn't, uh,
pass the SAT test.

You don't need to pass the SAT
in order to graduate.

But look, me and the fellas
about to go down to the spot

to get us a few drinks.

You trying to come
hang with us or what?

Oh, so y'all finna go down
to the spot, huh?

Have some drinks
and get drunk?

Yes, Ms. Black.

Well, can we roll with you?

- Are you serious?
- Hell yeah.

Mom, what are you doing?

Mind your business, I am grown.
Go home, get the homework done.

Watch your sister. Make sure
she eats some, alright?

I'm finna teach the young man

something he ain't ever
learned before. Okay!

Excuse me. Move out the
way I gotta walk through.

Well, can I come too?

- Hell yeah. Come on, girl.
- Damn. My mama's a hoe.

Bye, baby! I love you.

Girl, you think he
can handle both of us?

Hell no, girl. We finna rob him.

Oh, my God! I'm down.

- Hey!
- Hey, so what's up, girl?

- So, where your cash at?
- Hey, I'm Shirley.

Hey, what's up? How you doing?

But the-- the question is,
where is your cash?

- My cash?
- Yes.

It's at the ATM, what you mean?

You ain't got no cash on you?

- Nah, girl, I got a debit card.
- Oh, hell no, bitch.

- Get out the car.
- No, no, no, no.

- No, nope.
- I do got...

- Ooh, oh, hey, girl.
- Hey, how are you?

- I am tired as ever.
- How's the kids?

Hungry, as usual.

Oh, it's not a bill
for once in my life.

Oh, what is that?

I-- I got a letter from a man
across town. Says he's my uncle.

Says my father died
and left me in his will.

Wait, what, bitch, you rich? Oh,
my God. Who do you have to call?

I don't know. It don't-- It
don't even... It has an address.

- Address?
- It says to come down.

Okay, then go down.

Uh-uh, they probably
gonna tell me

he owed some money
and now I owe them.

- I'm not doing it.
- Wait, what? You got money?

You're not going?

He probably ain't
got shit, either.

They gon' ask me
to pay his bills.

I'm not doing it,
I'm not doing it, Shirley.

- Beverly, you come on! Beverly!
- I'm not doing it.

I need to get me one of these,
yo. Ladies gonna love these.

- Hey, you know Ms. Mildew?
- Damn, you hitting that too?

Man, that old lady
got some skills.

Especially when she be using
those molars on your boy.

She be like all day.

Who's that?

Man, that's just
your daddy, Michael.

My dad? I never met him before.

And if you want me to
buy you something,

you still ain't met me.

Alright. You know. Mm-hmm.

Mm-mm.

Yo. What's up then?
What you need?

Uh, I'm gonna need
a little spark. Okay.

And, uh, I ain't got no money

and I'm gon' need
the "know my son" discount.

Hold up, dad, how
come you never come around

or help mom with money?

Because boy, I'mma grown-ass
man, I got bills to pay.

I got another
family across town,

I got this nasty drug habit,

and I'm in love with
this bitch I can't stand.

I ain't buying you shit.

Oh, hold on, ladies,
ladies, ladies.

Look what I found in my pocket.
Wait a second, now.

Who need their bills paid? Uh?
Need your hair done? Nails done?

Who want to do me?

Come on, let's do
each other together.

What's up, Calvin?

What I tell you about
hustling in this alley?

Yo, this my alley, homeboy.
I do what I want.

Oh, yeah, that's right?

Ricky! Wrong movie. Michael!

Oh! My movie could be
like every other urban movie.

Why? Take me, Lord!
Take me, Lord.

But I'm glad you got him.
Oh, Lord, my boy.

Dad, that's not me.
I'm your son.

Oh. Oh. Here, let me
wipe this evidence off.

Help me up, stupid.

Hey, so your mama told me
you play a little basketball?

Yeah, I mean, I do
average 25 points a game.

Uh, don't call me dad
till you make it to the league.

- Listen, I'm gonna need $20.
- What?

Oh, it's a
lovely day, MaDude.

MaDude: Well, damn.
- What's wrong?

Look at that
good-ass clothesline,

and I ain't got
my laundry basket.

The hell is wrong
with me? Oh, wait.

Oh!
Ah-ha! Still got it.

Impressive.

MaDude: That's what
I'm talking about.

I did not know
you could do that.

You know I hate coming up here

to see these poor folks
in all this heat.

Well, it's okay,
I'm a doctor and a lawyer

and I'm here to
make things better.

Boy, go on and head on home.
Ain't nothing you can do here.

MaDude, I just
don't know what to do.

Girl, what you mean you
don't know what to do?

I don't know what to do.

Well, what that letter say?

It says that he died

and he left something
for me in his will.

Well, girl, you know
exactly what to do.

You need to go get
that goddamn money.

What if it's not money?
What if it's a bill?

Who gonna leave you some bills?

Look, girl your dead deadbeat
daddy is dead.

Deadbeat daddy dead?

Deadbeat daddy dead.
Go ahead and get your money.

I'm not going down there.

Good things don't
happen to me. Okay?

A man ain't never
done nothing for me.

And now I'mma think he gonna do
something in his death?

This is too good to be true.
Look at this.

Girl, you know I can't read that
shit, ain't got my glasses.

Look, girl, look it.
You need money.

You know you need money,
everybody need money.

Look at this house. Look at
this cheap ass microwave.

W-- why you gotta talk
about my microwave?

You need to change
that attitude.

You gotta take care of this boy.

You gotta take care
of these bills.

Why don't you show him
what the letter say?

Yeah, you right.

Well, hey, Michael Jr.

How you doing, boy? You
sure do look good today.

- Hey, baby.
- Hey, MaDude.

Now, girl, you listen
to what I said.

Now you go get that money
like you supposed to,

and, baby, you take care
of your mama.

- You be a good boy, alright?
- I will.

Mm-hmm. I see you
got that good fade.

You got some money
for something, girl.

MaDude: But hey, you call me
'cause I want my 10%

when you get that money.

- Oh. Alright.
- What's wrong, mama?

My father just died and left me
something in his will.

But I thought you said
your father was already dead.

Well, he was just dead to me.

But now he's dead to
the rest of the world.

Everything's
gonna be okay, mama.

I don't know, baby. We're in
a real tough spot right now.

I'll figure it out.
Oh, my God.

I can't even pay the light bill.
What else could go wrong?

Come on, mama.

- What are you doing? Boy.
- Get up. Don't worry.

When I go to the league,
I'mma buy you a nice car.

Buy you a nice house.

- And better wig.
- A better wig?

Don't be playing about
my wig, boy. Keep dancing.

Get yourself hurt.

- Everything's gonna be okay.
- No, I know.

Don't worry.
I know what I gotta do.

Beverly,
she's got star power.

Oh, I almost forgot.

I wanted to tell you the story

of what happened
on MaDude's Halloween.

No, here come
the little children.

Now, Ham, you know better

than to give all this free
candy away to these kids.

Hell, you know how hard
I had to work

for some free candy
on Halloween?

I had to give candy
to get candy.

She had to get all up
on that pole.

My daddy backyard had a pole,
the big old telephone pole.

Swing around that thing.

I got me a Snickers bar, a Mars
bar, and a pregnancy test.

- Still came back broke.
- Baby, you need Jesus.

I got Jesus. Got splinters on
my inner thighs, too.

Knocked the pole down
too, big ass.

Trick or treat, smell my feet,
gimme something good to eat.

Always begging.

I like your
little nursery rhyme.

He's a cute little thing.
What you got there, here?

Oh, you got some Mike and Ike's.

You know what you need to do?

You need to get rid of
all that shit.

Now, you know, you didn't need
to do that to that thing.

It's hard to
play soccer with one leg.

Yeah, he's tryna to save you
from diabetes. It's okay.

Maybalene, get your brother.

Trying to keep your teeth
from running out your mouth.

Your mama be glad.

Boy, you better
shut your mouth up.

Don't let the devil use you.

Man 3: It's time to party.

Ooh, that's good.
That's some good, mm.

- What?
- You look how I feel.

- And how is that?
- Constipated.

Your prostate flaring up
on you again?

Shut the hell up, Moe. You know,
I ain't got no prostate.

- You do got a prostate.
- Y'all talking about prostates?

Sound a little too happy
'bout it.

Man 4: Real nice costume, dude.

Who the hell is y'all
and why y'all in my house?

We-- we're the frat guys.

You know, the frat guys
from up the street?

- Oh.
- We live in the frat house.

- You've seen us before.
- Pat 'em down.

Oh, I see, so y'all
just wanna come here

and y'all wanna see a woman?
That's what it is?

Man 4: Titties.
- Oh, titties.

Y'all wanna see titties?

Well, we thought you were a man.

- You thought I was a man?
- More like a monster.

- We were taking bets.
- Oh, okay.

Here let me
show you something.

No, don't do that.

Don't nobody
wanna see them Jurassic...

- Oh!
- Lord, have mercy.

- Those are real, dude.
- That's paradise right there.

That's Jurassic Park
right there.

- Like scrambled eggs.
- Come on.

Come, come reach your paradise.

Come bring your hands in here.

- Come on. Come, come, come on!
- Don't do it.

- You got to drop out.
- Get the hell out of my house.

Have some respectability
up in here.

I told you didn't wanna see

them old, Aretha Franklin,
long sleeve titties.

You better think.

You know what, I hate this song,
but it sure make me wanna move.

Move over there then.

Feel a little something.
I just can't, just can't...

Oh, Lord.

Just catch the spirit
a little bit.

Oo-wee, there it is,
there it is!

That damn show
ain't "Flashdance."

Oh, Lord. Oh, Lord.

Somebody call the exorcist.
The woman is possessed.

Whoo!

They got to burn
this whole damn house down now.

Oh, Lord. It's definitely
a ghost up in here.

MaDude: Show me how we do it.
Show me how we do it!

Don't you go in that closet now.

You know R. Kelly's in there.
Don't you do it.

Tiffany, y'all got
some good candy here.

Oh, Lord!

Boy, don't be trying to
scare nobody.

It was something on the TV,
just popped up there.

What nothing on that
TV. Shut up.

I saw it.

Oh, Lordy. Oh, Lord.
What was that?

I told you it was something.
It went from here up there.

Sound like somebody
up there fighting.

That's what I thought.
Really starting to scare me.

You know I'm scared
of everything.

MaDude, go up there and check
out and see what it is.

Oh, I ain't going up there.
Mm-mm. No. That ain't for me.

'Cause you ain't
scared of nothing.

Everything scared of you.
And I see why.

Fine. I ain't scared.
Look, I ain't never scared.

You ain't never scared?
- I ain't scared.

You ain't never scared.
Go get 'em.

I'mma go right on up here.
I ain't scared.

You done survived looking in
the mirror every damn morning,

you can survive that,
you can survive this.

- I ain't scared.
- You ain't scared of nothing.

Go on up there. Tell him to
smell you, that'll kill him.

Don't be scared there now,
now keep eating your candy

and watch the movie.
This a good one.

Watch they gonna go
in the closet right here. Look.

Oh, Lord. They not gon'
scare me in my own house.

I ain't gonna get got.
Oh, no, not today.

The devil
ain't gonna use me.

Mm-mm, he gon' get his ass
on outta here.

I sure hope ain't
nobody behind this here door.

When I open up this door,
'cause it's gonna be...

What the hell?
Oh-ho.

Ain't no clown chasing me.

Ain't no clown chasing me!
Ain't no clown chasing me!

I told 'em not to go in there.

Ain't no clown chasing me.
Ain't no clown chasing me!

Alright, well that's my cue.
Y'all better come on.

Oh, hell now, lemme see what
I can do to get up outta here.

Oh-hoo! Come on now.

Come on, girls. Come on, girls.

Moe, I need you to move.
Come on, Moe!

I hope I didn't scare
you too much with that story.

But back to Beverly.

You ever know people who can't
just say yes to a good thing?

Well, that's Beverly for you.

- Ooh! There they are.
- Hi. Hello there.

You's Beverly.
I, Leroy Black, Black.

You can call me Black.
This my seed.

Yes, I'm his daughter.
Flora Black.

You can call her Flora,
without the Black.

It is so nice to meet you all.

MaDude has told us
so much about you.

Well, it is so nice to
meet you as well, I think.

Put that away, Missy.

If they
knows you'se been reading,

they gonna sell you off
down the river.

Sell me?

I'mma take y'all by
the underground.

The underground?
Like the railroad?

To see y'all's new house,
and meets y'all's family.

Follow me easy.
Keeps your head down.

Shh. Bes quiet.

Oh, oh.
- Mr. Black, don't go too fast.

You know he got
the gout, and the sugar,

and erectile dysfunction.

I don't even know
how I got here.

That's a lot of information.
Okay. Hell.

So, I think this is just
constipation right here.

That's why he's walking
this way?

Yes. And you are just
the prettiest little thing.

I know you do not
expect us to live here.

This can't be real.

Uh-uh. Take us back to
the bus stop. We are going home.

But Papa done left this for you.

I-- I know it ain't much, but
it's all your daddy has to give.

Mm-mm, I would rather work
for Ellen DeGeneres

before I let my kids
step one foot in that house.

- What? Okay.
- Calm down.

This is bigger
than your mama's house.

You sure you don't want it?

Hell no. I don't want it.
Let's go, kids.

- But mom!
- But nothing.

Look at that water fountain
running all day and night.

You know what I'd have to do
to pay for that water bill?

Just do
what we always do.

And what's that?

- Don't pay.
- Don't pay.

Well, Beverly, you can at least
come and see the house, honey.

Just come on in and see inside.

I don't wanna come
and see inside this house.

It's-- it's-- it's got
a wobbler room.

- Not enough dirt.
- Not enough dirt?

Well it's got
pet chickens in the back,

and, and you got a trained pig.

- A trained pig?
- Yeah.

Yep, one thing
MaDude always tried to do

was help others,

but she always finds herself
in her own mess.

MaDude: The po-po is coming for
us. The po-po is coming for us.

You think
you ran a red light?

I didn't, I don't know
what the hell I did.

- Mr. Black! Mr. Black!
- What is it, Flora?

Look! Is that who I think it is?

It is! It's MaDude
on the TV tube.

Running from the whirly bird.

Oh, ho, them overseers
running her down.

They gon' chop her foot off when
they catch her. Run, Kunta, run!

I'm in the helicopter,
live in the air

during this exciting car chase.

Can we get a tighter shot of
the vehicle's occupants? Wow.

This feels like a scene straight
out of the movie, "Set It Off."

Where's my phone?
I gotta call her. It was here.

Oh, Lord Jesus, help me. Hello?

MaDude, is that you
driving that car?

Well, who the hell
you think it is?

Are you sure 'cause you, you
kind of look like Queen Latifah.

Look like King Latifah.

Look, I'm wearing Queen
Latifah's disguise

from the movie, "Set It Off."

Should have dropped me off.

MaDude: Well, you
know that's what I do.

I just steal from movies.

Well, you know the Lord say,
"thou shalt not steal," now.

The Lord is not being
chased by the po-po.

And I ain't stealing,
I'm speeding.

Well, I steal a little bit,

just 'cause I'm inspired
by stuff, you know?

Driving like you're on speed.
You slow down now.

Now if you want a smack across
your mouth, I give you one.

- Keep talking to me, old man.
- Oh, Lord. What is she doing?

MaDude, head to the North Star.
It's free peoples over there.

Tell the little man
to shut the hell up.

MaDude: Is-- is--
is Beverly over there?

She gone. She and her children
done gone back to Africa.

Didn't nobody go back to
nobody's Africa.

No, she done left.
She didn't want the house.

I don't know what's
wrong with it.

Maybe, it's too much for her,

but back to you, MaDude,

please pull that
car over, please.

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

Now I ain't giving up,
though. I got a plan.

Just pull the car over before
MaDude goes to jail.

Ooh. That's a good
idea for a sequel.

You ain't finished
the first one now.

That's-- that's a, that's
a nice sequel. I like that.

MaDude: Okay,
I done pulled over.

I thought you was supposed
to be meeting the Blacks?

Oh, hell, now they got me
out here meeting the Whites.

Yeah, you be about to
meet the Whites, alright.

Get out of the vehicle.

I think we should just give up.

No, no, no, no, no.
Hell no, fool.

You should know we have
no problem using deadly force.

MaDude: Look, if this works,

you meet me at the cabin
up in the mountains,

but if it don't, you tell Taylor
to put some money on my books.

Now what the hell
you about to go on and do?

Oh, I, I'm going
undercover, fool.

Okay, good, I'm about to
tell them you kidnapped me,

and I ain't had nothing to do
with none of this shit.

And by the way,
it ain't gonna work.

I'm doing everything in my power

to make it difficult
to arrest you.

Hold on there, Captain.

And what is that? What you got,
what you got all that from?

T.I. gave me all this.
MaDude: When you know T.I.?

This one, this from
the movie "Scarface."

He said, "Say
hello to my little friend."

MaDude: What is that?

Shit El Chapo gave me.
This shit all broke up.

Hold on now, I got a couple
more things. O.J. gave me this.

What's that?

I-- I like to choke my chicken.

I ain't have nothing to do
with none of this, officer.

- I'm putting my hands up.
- Out of the vehicle.

MaDude: Just shoot him,
just shoot him in the head.

Don't shoot me.
Don't do nothing.

Put your hands on the ground.

They don't reach down there.

Throw your feet in the air.

I-- I can't lift them.

And wave 'em like
you just don't care.

Come on get out of the car.

Get out the car, fool.
Out of the vehicle!

Oh, they 'bout to shoot me!
They 'bout to shoot me!

Oh Lord,
I don't have no bail money.

They 'bout to take her
to the king!

They 'bout to take you
to the king!

Next case.

Your Honor, she should be
coming in at any moment.

Ooh! Helluurr!

Dead MaDude walking

- That's not funny.
- It is funny.

Oh, Jesus. Lord, why today?

Your Honor, I is so sorry to
have troubled you this morning.

Now this is all can be just
throwed away, you know?

I'm gonna tell you a little
story about my cousin.

Her name is V'Gina.

Now you know, people always
mispronounce her name too.

Like they mispronounce
Judge Loreal.

People might wanna call you
Judge Revlon or something,

but you know, they, they call
her vagina. But it's V'Gina,

Uh, V apostrophe G-I-N-A.
It's V'Gina. V'Gina!

She can't even spell vagina.

That's what she trying
to spell, vagina.

Can't even spell it.

But we damn sure can smell it.

Y'all smell it?

Y'all heard?

- Dad, dad.
- Don't call me that.

Boy, you ain't smell vagina
since 1932.

How you doing, Your Honor?
Saw it this morning.

MaDude, be quiet, and
be respectful in my courtroom.

That means shut up.
- I understand.

I was just trying
to explain to you why my cousin,

she had been bullied by that
name. She 52 years old.

And I didn't want
that to happen to you.

Your-- Your-- Your Dishonor,
you know.

- I'm warning you.
- I understand. Uh, I'm just...

I'mma be quiet right up
here in your courtroom today.

Yes, yes, yes I am.

I believe
you gonna fry.

You better shut your ass up.
Just shut up!

Just shut up talking to me.

Shouldn't have ran
all them red lights.

- Bailiff?
- Mmm.

Keep your good eye on
this one. She's trouble.

Well, it looks like
that way to me, Your Honor.

Looks that way to me,
Your Honor.

This whole courtroom
looks suspect.

Matter of fact, this whole
courtroom looks suspect.

MaDude Himms, you are sentenced
to 180 days jail time

Judge Loreal: for attempting
to evade the police.

Your cellmate will be R. Kelly.

Oh!

He not my type, Your Honor.

You gonna be trapped
in the closet.

Followed by six months
of house arrest.

Then we will possibly
reevaluate your probation.

Don't reevaluate it.
Just keep it like it is.

Also... mandatory
church on Sundays.

- Not the church!
- Church.

Oh, Lord.

- Gimme anything but church!
- Church!

You 'bout to have
a religious love.

No, Lord, please gimme
solitary confinement.

Y'all got a bed
big enough for her?

- Gimme the electric chair!
- Church!

- We're gonna help you!
- No, we ain't.

Jesus!

Well, I know how
you feel. Believe me.

Well, I know how she feels.

Ha! Case Closed.

Yes!

I get to use my dick pump
all by myself.

Pornhub all week. Gimme one!

Not even God can save
your ass now, MaDude.

I can't believe
MaDude's going to jail.

I can't believe I lost the case.

I am the worst lawyer ever.
I'm the worst everything ever.

I mean, God, where are
you when I need you?

God.

Bam. He was incensed.

Pow! Wu Tang, nigga.

I can say nigga in heaven.

But you can't! I been me damned.

When God told
me to write a movie...

I never thought
the devil would show up.

Do you see the color of my suit?
Who the hell you think I am?

That's what I get
for not writing.

Perfect. Makes perfect sense.
The devil's talking to me.

Why wouldn't
the devil talk to me?

Well, I'm sensing
you kind of need my help.

How may I be of service,
Fairy? - No.

I have been
appointed by the Lord.

I'm delivered. I'm delivered.
I'm delivered.

Well, brother, if you don't
need me, I'll just go back

to the Proud Boys community
and Peckerwoods.

Hey, they love me over there.

I'm their idol.
Hasta luego, Fairy.

It's Pherry.

My name is
Pherry, Pherry, Pherry!

No, it ain't.

Damnit. This is BS.

I bet you never show up to
Kevin Hart's bathroom like this.

Write the vision, son.
Write the vision.

I finally figured out
what I needed to do.

I needed to write the movie.

So I decided to have
my assistant, Joy, write it.

With Joy around,
there's no need for AI.

Oh!

This is plot,
character development.

This is a storyline.

- Can we put that in the movie?
- Put what in the movie?

- A storyline.
- A storyline?

Yeah. Just-- just steal it.
Just put it in the storyline.

- Oh, yeah. Okay.
- Just write it down.

- Make me look good.
- Okay.

I can steal all things through
Christ who strengthens me.

- We stealing this.
- Um, you going to hell.

- What you say?
- Nothing. Mm-hmm.

Ooh. This is gonna be good.

We gon' use it all.
Just mix it up like a gumbo.

I smell WGA.
I smell Oscar.

Everybody gonna wanna
be in my movies.

Joy, when I blow up,

I'm not taking you with me,
but keep writing.

Oh! Oh! Write
this down! Montage.

Every movie need a montage.
A good montage.

Oh, Joy, how is
my screenplay going?

Oh, it's going.

Oh, but wait, wait, wait.
No, don't talk, more writing.

I just want to envision
myself in the words.

No, no, don't stop writing.

Ooh, it's gonna be so good.
Damn, I'm good. Damn, I'm good.

That's lazy.
Mm, I need this job.

I need this job.
I need this job.

Ooh, I like that.
Watch for that for me.

- You're so close to me.
- Yeah, we're very close.

This is close.
You, you read my mind.

This is exactly what...
We're on the same wave...

You're so physically
close to me.

Yeah. Yeah. Go down,
go down. Scroll, scroll.

- I'm scrolling.
- Oh, wait, wait. Stop, stop.

Too fast. Go back
up, up, up, up.

Yeah, yeah. Whoa!
So great. Oh, wonderful.

Oh!

Hey, this is Attorney Pherry.

The P is silent.
Wait, MaDude?

No, I-- I can't possibly deal
with MaDude today.

That's not on my docket.

I'm in the middle
of writing a screenplay.

Could you scroll please?
Thank you.

Oh, no, I couldn't
possibly do that.

Thank you.

Damn, that's good.
Oh, I'm a good ass writer.

That's so good.

Oh, Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.

Look at us here
just getting clean,

so we can be there with
the Lord in the end days.

You know, cleanliness
is next to Godliness,

and I know he love you
because I sure do.

Oh, Lordy, Lordy.

Make sure y'all get all
that dirt off you.

Oh, uh... Done seen too much.
No, no, no, we good.

Sure we should make this water
get us a little colder.

God. You know, I'm a old lady.

Only got so many of these left.

Alright, ladies,
two-minute showers up.

Let's go. Let's go, let's go!

Oh, I knew there was a God.
Officer : Come on. Let's go.

Well, it was so nice
to see you ladies.

Y'all go ahead.
Y'all get on out here.

Ladies, ladies, ladies,
cut that water off.

Y'all been here long
enough now. Come on.

- We in a drought.
- Stop your yabbering.

MaDude: Look Barney Fife,
I'm just trying to make sure

everything is where
it needs to be.

You're taking all day.
You want to go home or not?

Got me up here with all this
temptation, wetness, and water.

Just trying to be
my best Christian self.

Today's your lucky day,
MaDude. Let's go.

Ain't a jail alive
that can hold me, baby.

Where my shit?

- Is this yours?
- Hell nah, that ain't mine.

What the hell I look like?
You can keep that.

Well, I'll save it
for you when you get back.

Well, I ain't coming back to
here. No, no, no. No way.

Oh, but you know what?
You might be right.

I'll be back for
my next movie.

Free at last, bitches,
free at last! Oo-wee!

Look at the fresh air out here.

Damn, it is hot.
Hell is my family at?

There your ass is.
Why you late?

Just get your big ass in the
car, San Quentin Tarantina.

They gonna have your ass
right back up in here.

The end.

Ooh, Joy, this is fabulous.

Fool, this might be
the best thing I ever done.

Written by Taylor Pherry,
my P is silent.

Hey! Wha-- wha-- what the...
No, no, no, no!

No, no!

Let me tell you, computers
ain't like your stories, man.

- They need backup.
- Oh, please.

Stop praying, bitch.
He ain't gonna help you now.

What the...

It's like life.

The devil's in the details.

Says you.

Oh, man.

I thought you-- you
weren't happy with my work?

Your work
is pure joy, son.

It's probably best to say that
you were divinely inspired.

I was, wasn't I?

It's time to
go worship, son.

Yes, Lord. Yes, Lord.

What we're here
to do today is...

give it up to the Lord.

Amen.

All of our plans?

We give it up to the Lord.

All of our ideas?

Uh-huh, uh-huh!

We giving it up to
the Lord. You hear me?

- Lord!
- Hallelujah!

- Amen!
- Mercy. Mercy!

- Yes, Pastor!
- Yes.

Listen, now. All our wishes,
we give it up to the Lord.

- Up to the Lord.
- Yes!

- Hallelujah!
- That's right, that's right!

- Hallelu!
- And all of our money...

- Yes, yes.
- Yes--

You give it to me.

- To the...
- What?

- Are you with me?
- No, no, no.

That ain't gon' be it.

I thought we was giving
it up to the Lord.

No, thank you. Hallelujah?

MaDude: Helluurr!

No, Miss Celie.
Oh, Lord, have mercy.

The one day I come
to church, look at this.

The devil showed up.

Think I done gone blind
for two seconds.

She going to hell.

- She going to hell hell.
- Like real hell.

She's shaking, she's shaking
her ass in church.

Thank you for my Pilates class.

Jesus, I wasn't supposed to come
to church today. That's...

Hi. Oh, ey, ey!
Come on, Pastor.

MaDude, you 'bout
to catch on fire.

Oh, Lord.

No, no, no. Hey, hey. Hallelujah.

MaDude: Oh, they
got chicken at church.

If I had known that
I'd have been here months ago.

Hey, hey, must be
Church's Chicken.

Whoo! Moe got lice, y'all.

Killed 12 Clydesdales
for them boots.

Go ahead. Pastor on, carry on.
Praise and praise, do it up.

Mm,, Come on, Pastor.
Go 'head, preach.

Ladies and gentlemen,
we got a special guest.

- Taylor Pherry?
- Me?

It's your day to lead us
in prayer. Get on up here.

- Alright, alright!
- Get on up there, baby.

Alright. Thank you, thank you.

Huh! Ooh, I'm so nervous.

First, giving honor
to God and...

Amen.

And the congregation,
I just wanna say,

put your hands together.

Yes!

I wrote a movie, y'all.

Y'all wanna sing a song
or something for me?

Hey!

'Cause I can,
I can, I can!

Come on, Hoprah. Come on,
Hoprah. Hoprah, Hoprah, Hoprah!

Get out the way!

Where's my successor?

I crown, Taylor Pherry,
the new me.

And with me, thy will all come.

I wrote a movie
"Inspired by God,"

and it's coming out soon,

and each of you is gonna get
a movie premiere ticket!

And you get a ticket!
And you get a ticket!

And you getting a ticket.
Don't think I forgot about you!

You getting a ticket.

Y'all getting tickets!

You getting a ticket!

And that is my story.

The story of how I became

the world-famous writer,
director, actor, producer,

lawyer, doctor, handyman,
plumber, mover, shaker,

Grossmates delivery driver
you now know and love.

And I'll make sure
you also get a ticket

to my next church movie.

Coming to a theater near you.

Today was a God's Day.

Won't I do it?
Won't I do it?